### Socially Inept Sperglord Anon - by Anonymous

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>Be Adagio >Be in the cafeteria lineup >It's been two weeks since the battle of the bands >And without the amulets it was proving a bit difficult to gather negative energy or gaining control over the masses >Hell, just convincing Celestia not to expel us from the school or call the police was hard enough >It wasn't pretty, it involved a lot of tears >"So... Can we start following my lead now that you've completely failed?" >Aria, you cunt "No, I'm still the leader her!" >"Pfff, some leader you are." >God dammit I wanted to slap her across her stupid smug face >She must have had the most slappable face in the world "Look, if we're going to get power now we're going to need to be more tactical about it, and you're not tactical." >"More tactical than you..." "Shut up, we're gonna need to start playing it different, we need to become popular." >"But Dagi, everyone hates us." >This was true >Everywhere the three of us went was often filled with glares and the rogue spoiled tomato >I'd often take showers and discover at least twenty pencils in my hair "That's why we gotta start low, really low, we have to make friends with the absolute bottom and work our way up until we become the most popular students in the school." >"Soooo... Basically what Sunset did?" "Yes Sonata." >Aria rolled her eyes, food tray in hand and bitchy look on face >"And who exactly is gonna be so low they'd hang out with us?" "Him..." >He was skinny >He was fairly unattractive >He probably stank considering he never wore a different suit >And best of all >He ate completely alone in the corner of the cafeteria, poking at his already empty food tray and waiting for lunch to end >Anonymous >The only student in Canterlot high, a school so big on friendship and acceptance it was nauseating, who didn't have a single friend >Even Sunset, the queen of long winded speeches about friendship, wouldn't go near the guy >He was exactly what we needed >"You can't be serious..." "He's the best chance we have Aria! What, you want to go over there and try to get all buddy buddy with the Rainbooms?" >She definitely wanted to say something, but she shut up anyway >"Wait, didn't the Rainbooms take in Sunset after her big evil plan fai-" "Shut up Sonata!" "Alright girls, big smiles, like you mean it." >Oh god Aria looked like she was having a stroke >Good enough >Getting closer to the table confirmed my suspicions >He did in fact stink, his almost wet skin made it obvious why >Just endure it Adagio, be a big girl "Hey there, anonymous right? Mind if we sit here?" >Anon quickly looked up, and just as quickly began looking around for sight of anyone else within earshot >"Are you talking to me?" "Well do you see anyone else named anonymous." >"Uhhh... No" >Anon quickly scooted over without another word >As we sat down his eyes went back down to his empty tray >He stared at the thing with unmatched intensity as he drew heavy breathes into his open mouth >A sheen of sweat rapidly forming all over him >"S-so, w-what do you need m'ladies" >The moment the last word came out of his mouth he quickly brought a hand to it >He looked like he was about to start crying >His voice sounded like the high pitched squeak of a rocking recliner that hadn't been oiled in years >"S-sorry, I didn't mean to say that." >This... Might be a lot easier than I thought it would be "It's alright anon, we were actually wondering if you wanted to hang out some time. Right girls?" >"Yup, you just look so sad sitting here all alone nonny." >Aria didn't say anything >Until Sonata elbowed her in the side >"Oh yeah, totally dude, I mean you look like you'd... Be great to hang out with" >Aria stained herself to get out that last part with a straight face >Her body language made it obvious that it took all of her will power not to cover her nose >"You... You guys want to hang out?... You want to... Be my friends?" "Of course anon." >Suddenly his lips began to quiver and formed into a strange smile >The smile of someone who'd forgotten how to do it years ago >His eyes struggled to stay open and tears formed in the corners of them >Without warning he lunged forward and hugged me tight, crying into my shoulder >"This is the happiest day of my entire life!" >Oh god his entire body was damp >"I can't wait to tell my mom, maybe now she'll love me again." >I patted him a bit on the shoulder and looked over at Sonata and Aria with pleading eyes, mouthing the words "help me." >Oh god, was he sniffing me? >"Y-you feel nice." "Okay anon, I think we're getting a little too personal here." >Anon instantly pulled away and scooted away from me, head down and hands folded in his lap >"S-sorry, I'll stay arms length away from now on..." >Dear sweet Celestia this man was something else >How could one individual be this horrible with social situations? "It's alright anon, just try not to get so... Clingy." >"O-okay! So what do you want to do first... Friends?" >The way he strained the word friends was kinda sad to be honest >Like he had never used the word in his life >"Friend stuff, I guess" >Great suggestion Sonata >Only you made it to a person who probably has no concept of "friend stuff" >"You mean like... Sex and stuff?" >Aria spat out as much fruit punch as she could >It came out of everything, mouth, nose, even a little out the eyes >Sonata quickly got to work patting her back as she went into a coughing fit "N-no anon! Stuff like talking, going to the mall, watching movies." >"But there's nothing good playing." "It was just an example anon..." >Aria finally got over her coughing fit and quickly motioned for a group meeting >We got up and began to walk away, huddling up for a moment only to discover anon was also there "Uhhh, anon, this is kind of a private chat." >"Oh... Right." >Anon walked back to the table, we watched him the whole time just to make sure he went there >"Some plan Adagio" "Look, I didn't know he would be this bad!" >"Dagi, if we hang out with him we'll never get popular, like, ever!" >Sonata was right >It was no wonder anon didn't have a single friend >Being seen in his presence was an even worse reputation killer than trying to enslave the entire world >We had to get out while we could >We all looked back at anon, he still sat there, goofy grin on his face as he waved to us >We could already hear a few of the students snickering >"I say we ditch him." >"We can't do that Aria!... He'd still think he was our friend and might keep following us." "Alright, we'll go up to him, gently let him off, and then find some higher tier of loser to hang out with... Maybe the nerds." >Sonata and Aria agreed and we broke off, walking back over to anon "So anon..." >"Do you guys like tabletop RPG's? I've always liked them but the school group kicked me out for putting my fetishes into every game" >Please anon, no details >"Like this one time I made my character a trap and..." >"We don't want to hang out with you anon!" >Aria wasn't having none of it >She practically yelled it out across the entire cafeteria, drawing more than a few eyes >Anon's face went from a big happy smile to a look of absolute destructions >The only friends he'd ever had stopped being his friends in about three minutes >Of course this led him to crying >Crying, getting on his knees, and grabbing me around the waist >Honestly it was a little heartbreaking to see him looking up at me with that tear and snot covered face >"What did I do wroooooooooong!? I can change, give me a chahahahaance!" >Every single eye in the cafeteria was now on the scene >Aria and Sonata covered their faces and backed out of view, slowly moving towards the cafeteria doors "A-anon, people are looking!" >"I just wanted some friends! I just want someone to care about meeeeeeeee!" >It was almost impossible to make out what he was saying >His voice was so pathetic in its quivering it was almost enough to make me want to hug him back and take back my rejection >Almost... >Instead I tried prying him off >Despite having almost no muscle mass the man had a vice like grip on me >Oh god he was getting snot all over my stomach >I quickly reached into my purse and looked for anything I could use to repel him >I found my weapon and pulled it out, spraying him with the substance >It must have burned his skin or something because the moment it made contact he screamed and backed away >A few more sprays and he retreated into the corner of the cafeteria >Thank Celestia I always carry around a bit of spray on deodorant >Before he could recover I ran into a more well lit area of the cafeteria >Surely he couldn't survive in the light >But I needed something permanent, a way to make sure he never came near me again >And then I saw it, the ultimate loser repellant >The popular kids, namely the Rainbooms all staring wide eyed at me >I rushed towards them, running right up to Sunset Shimmer and hugging her for safety "I'm sorry! I'm so sorry, I'll never be a bad girl again! Teach me about the magic of friendship or whatever." "Just please, never let that horrible thing near me again." >I expected some kind of animosity, a hatred they'd surely feel towards me >Instead what I got was Sunset returning the hug and stoking my poofy hair gently >"It's alright Adagio, we all make mistakes." >"Come on, you smell horrible, let's go wash the filth of the friendless neckbeard off you." >Three weeks later >I don't know what happened to anon >But every now and again we'd see his shadow disappear behind a corner >We were scared of him >But learning about friendship and becoming semi-liked helped keep him away >Sometimes, if you listened very carefully, you could hear his voice coming from some unseen corner >"My feet hurt"