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// Division// Story: Winter's Child// by Softy8088//------------------------------//

It was hypnotic; watching Pinkie Pie eat.

Although “eating” was a term to be used loosely. It was more accurate to say Pinkie inhaled the sweets and baked goods set in front of her, the over-loud munching and movements of her jaw more of a guise designed to make it appear that she was chewing, when in actuality she was simply forcing every bit of foodstuff down her gullet in the most expedient manner possible.

Twilight did some quick mental arithmetic; at her present rate of consumption, Pinkie would eat everything on the table in under ninety seconds.

And there was a lot on the table; two oversized pastry trays holding impressively-stacked pyramids of everything from cookies both simple and fancy, through various puffs and strudels, all the way to miniature cakes, all being devoured without mercy. Edibles powdered and glazed alike met their end in Pinkie’s maw, their only respite being when the pink party pony took a second to down another full teacup, which Twilight dutifully refilled time and again, mesmerised all the while.

Not that the unicorn could complain much; it had been Pinkie herself who had brought the treats from Sugarcube Corner.

Fluttershy, on Pinkie’s right, sat cradling her own tea in her hooves, at intervals taking a sip or nibbling on the small fruit tart she had rescued from the pile. She, too, watched the spectacle with a degree of calm fascination.

Across from them sat Twilight and Rainbow Dash, occasionally eating what they could, occasionally exchanging glances as the former slowly mustered her courage and the latter helpfully filled in for her silence with an admittedly engaging story about the Wonderbolts’ training program.

It was midday on a Friday in the library; the same Friday that had been supposed to be a get-together of six pony friends. Two had received invitations to hear Twilight’s biggest life secret. Two were absent because of it. One was on her team.

In truth, Twilight would have preferred to have Applejack by her side most of all, but she and Rarity had gone to Manehattan to repair their friendship. It had been the earth pony who insisted on “making it up” to her friend, and though Twilight personally believed that Rarity had behaved in a unjustifiably detestable manner toward Applejack, the farmpony had quite fiercely accepted full blame for the fiasco in spite of Twilight’s argument.

And so Applejack, in a truly formidable effort at making amends, had pulled some favours from her Manehattanite relatives and spent a not-insignificant amount of bits to secure two box seat tickets to a Friday showing of the Manehattan Symphony Orchestra – a notoriously exclusive high-society event of the kind Rarity was known to fawn over. She had presented the pair of tickets, accompanied by a further set of two-way first-class train tickets, as a gift to Rarity in the hope that the fashionista would find herself somepony worthy of her company to attend the event with.

Here, the details got a little fuzzy, as Twilight had gotten the news second-hoof from Rainbow Dash, but, through some mind-bending interplay of the rules of gratitude, courtesy, reciprocity, humility, and honour between the two ponies, Applejack herself had inadvertently been lassoed into becoming Rarity’s “date” for the evening.

Their friend held no objections; her own invitee list had been lightened by two names, but a smaller gathering was more conducive to her goal anyway.

Thus the stage was set.

Twilight’s wingpony paused in her speech, having wrapped up her current tangent with a trademark glib, self-confident remark in such a way that somepony else could interject with a new topic if they wished. It was the third time she’d done that, but Twilight had silently passed every prior opportunity – though if Dash was annoyed, she failed to show it. Last-minute doubt flitted and tumbled in the unicorn’s mind, the memory of the fight at Sweet Apple Acres having spooked her into questioning whether it made sense for Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy to know the whole truth after all.

Her senses in a Pinkie-trance and her brain effectively still chasing its own tail, she was about to pass on this lull as well, when suddenly Pinkie Pie belched. Very, very loudly.

Everypony’s head snapped. Nothing remained on the table.

The unexpected aural disturbance toppled the wobbly coin standing on edge in Twilight’s mind, and she was speaking to the real world before she even realised it. “Ahem, everypony, I have an announcement to make.”

Just like that, all eyes were on her. Recent unpleasant memories triggered. ‘Oh, dear.’ There was still time to back out.

But no; the coin had landed firmly, and Twilight was committed. Her mental checklist was check-ready.

And Rainbow Dash was with her. No matter what, she wouldn’t be alone. She drew strength from that. “Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, please understand that what I’m about to tell you, I’m telling you in confidence, because you’re my friends and I think you deserve to know the truth.” She glanced downward with a sigh. “Though I wouldn’t be surprised if you already guessed part of what this is about.” Rarity had spoken of the rumours milling around town...

“Ooh, ooh!” A hoof waved manically in the air. “Pick me, pick me! I love guessing games!”

Rainbow rolled her eyes, cringing slightly.

Twilight, meanwhile, prepared for any off-the-wall, sanity-bending answer. “Uh... Pinkie?” she indicated cautiously.

“You have a bun in the oven!” the mare declared, grinning.

Twilight breathed again, and mentally checked off the appropriate item with a glimmer of satisfaction. “Very good, Pinkie, you got it in one.” She pushed forth a smile and gave her navel a self-assuring stroke. “Though I suppose it’s getting to be pretty obvious at this point.”

“Nuh-uh!” Pinkie denied with a vigorous shake. “I had no idea at all! It was just a lucky guess!”

Twilight arched a brow. “Really?”

“Yes, really! It was a total shot in the dark! I mean, I can’t even smell any buns right now, and if anypony would know the smell of something baking, it’d be me, since I work in a bakery,” the pink pony proclaimed. “Is it just one bun, though? Because I don’t think that’s enough for all four of us, unless it’s a really, really big bun. Do you need help decorating it? ’Cause I brought some icing; you know, in case of icing emergency!”

Twilight stared at the bowl of pink, vanilla-scented stuff Pinkie had conjured, before bringing her forehead and the table together for a concussive conference. “Pinkie! I don’t have a literal bun in the oven. In fact, there are no more buns! You ate them all.” She resisted the urge to point out that, thanks to the earth pony’s appetite, she was actually still pretty hungry. She downed her tea in substitution.

“What?! Why would you say that, then?” Pinkie huffed as if she’d been personally wronged. “That’s not very nice.”

“I didn’t realise you meant it literally.” ‘Though I probably should have guessed,’ her mind added. “‘A bun in the oven’ is a figure of speech.” Twilight scratched away at her mental list. Few things were as unsatisfying as removing a checkmark.

“Aww, I don’t like figures of speech,” the other mare said, looking suddenly morose. “They always get my hopes up for something really neat, and then I end up disappointed when it’s something boring.”

“Yeah, well, this is pretty far from boring,” Rainbow interjected.

“I’m pregnant,” the unicorn said with surprising ease. The desire to get the conversation back to some semblance of rationality definitely helped move things along, outweighing any trepidation.

There were two gasps: a timid, quiet one – and another which nearly sucked all the air out of the room.

“You’re gonna have a foal?!” Pinkie near-shrieked, her eyes bugging. “You hear that everypony?! Twilight’s gonna have a little little itty-bitty baby Twily! Ohmygosh, ohmygosh, this is so great! Congratulations!” A party horn sounded as inexplicable confetti rained down on the group.

Twilight considered this a good start. Box ticked for sure this time. “Thank you, Pinkie. And yes, I’d be happy for you to plan the foal shower,” she anticipated smartly.

Another mega-gasp started...

“In about four months.”

...and died. “Aw.”

“You seriously couldn’t tell Twilight was pregnant?” Rainbow asked, incredulous.

“Well, duh, of course she’s pregnant! I mean, just look at her!” The pink pony demonstrated by appearing behind Twilight and jiggling her protruding belly.

“Hey!”

“Look at this baby bump! What pony wouldn’t be able to tell she’s pregnant?”

“Um... actually... I couldn’t,” Fluttershy offered meekly as Rainbow dragged the personal-space-invader back to her seat, pink hooves scraping along heartwood.

“Ugh, then why’d you act like it was a surprise?” she asked.

The earth pony clucked her tongue. “Oh, Dashie, don’t you know you never mention a mare’s pregnancy before she tells you herself? It’s super-mega-rude! I mean, do you think I just started talking to Mrs. Cake about her big belly to her face?! Because I totally did, and that’s how I found out about that rule!”

“Congratulations, Twilight,” Fluttershy said with a demure smile. “That’s wonderful news. Oh, unless it isn’t...” A smile and nod assuaged her. “It is? Well, then, I’m very happy for you. I hope you’re feeling well.”

Her friends’ positivity bolstered Twilight. Unfortunately, she had been down this road before. “I am, but...”

She could stop. They didn’t need to know. And the consequences of knowing could rend their friendship apart. 

But they deserved to know.

“I’m sure you’re both wondering who the father is.”

“Ooh, ooh, more guessing games!” Pinkie bounced on her pillow. “Is it Thunderlane?”

“What?!” cried Rainbow.

“Thunderlane?!” Twilight shouted at the same time. “But–? How–? Why would I be involved with Thunderlane?” 

The earth pony shrugged. “Dunno. You kinda looked like you were checking him out during tornado training.”

“That was ages ago! And I wasn’t ‘checking him out’, I was paying attention to him because he showed signs of being sick. And he turned out to have the feather flu in the end, so my suspicions were completely justified! And how did you see that, anyway? You weren’t even part of– Aaaugh!” Twilight brought both forehooves to her face, shielding her sanity from the ridiculousness.

The pink pony, meanwhile, stroked her chin as she wound up for another try. “Hmm, if it’s not Thunderlane, then is it–”

“No! No more guessing! This is serious!” Rainbow shouted furiously from mid-air, pre-empting by milliseconds Twilight doing the same. She, too, threw a forelimb over her eyes. “Ugh, Twi, can you just skip to the part where you say it? She’s not going to get any less Pinkie the longer you hold out.”

The unicorn was forced to agree. Like ripping off a bandage, the exchange was bound to be less painful if she bypassed some of the preparatory grooming and got straight to the point.

She took a breath. “The father...” She swallowed. “...is...” She bit her lip.

Rainbow Dash was still hovering beside her. Facing her were the pony that accepted and showed kindness to everyone, and the pony who only wanted to see those around her be happy. Her friends.

“The father is... a pony I’ve known all my life. He’s somepony I’ve always been close to. Somepony I love. We never meant to have a child together, but I don’t regret the relationship we have. The father... is Shining Armor.”

There was darkness.

That was because Twilight had her eyes shut tight.

When she opened them, she was met with Fluttershy staring back at her with an expression of shock. Slowly the yellow pegasus sank an inch or two into her seat, in her typical fashion of making herself smaller in view of a threat. "Oh... my," she said, barely audible. 

Pinkie Pie, in contrast, was looking back with a face of mild confusion, as if she were trying to work out the meaning of a joke she didn’t get.

And then she got it.

The earth pony exploded into laughter, falling backwards and hugging her stomach. “Ahahahahahaha! Oh, that’s a good one! I almost believed you there for a second!”

Twilight and Rainbow exchanged looks. Both cringed uncomfortably.

“Heeheehee! Oh, Twilight, you’re such a crack-up! Ahahaha!”

“Pinkie, I’m serious!” the unicorn cried.

This only caused the laughing pony to hiccup and snort a few times. 

Twilight stared, helpless. Out of all the responses the pregnant mare could have gotten, this was the most unexpected... and somehow the most hurtful to see. Even Rainbow’s insolent laughter hadn’t cut as deep as the innocent chortles of a pony who simply didn’t accept the truth. Twilight’s relationship with her brother had been long and intense enough to shape a part of her personality. To have it deemed unbelievable was somehow even worse than simply having it judged as wrong.

Thankfully, Pinkie’s cackles were dying off naturally, and she righted herself while wiping a cheek. She was still half giggling when she said, “That was really funny, Twilight. I mean, you having a foal with your brother?”

“Um, Pinkie...” Fluttershy eyed the earth pony with concern, before turning back to Twilight. Her expression was reluctant; pensive and downcast. “I think she’s telling the truth.” There was no accusation or anger in her voice, but something was definitely being held beneath the placid surface.

Dash, too, came to Twilight’s defense. “Pinkie, this isn’t a joke. Twilight’s gonna have a kid, and it’s her brother’s.”

“But... but...” The pink pony’s ears folded back, as she looked momentarily lost; a helpless filly separated from her parents in a bustling city street. “That means you and Shining Armor...?”

Twilight affirmed, “Yes, Pinkie. We’ve been involved physically.” ‘And this time, I’m not going into details.’

“It’s kind of a requirement, you know,” Rainbow added, forcing the unicorn to bite her tongue to avoid a detour lecture regarding artificial insemination methods.

“Twilight, that’s...”

There was a length of time – likely lasting only a few ticks of the clock, but which to the unicorn stretched agonisingly long – where it wasn’t altogether clear which expression the earth pony would settle on, as the well-worked muscles of her face appeared fraught with indecision, vacillating between her natural smile and the rarer but no less authentic Pinkie frown. More and more, though, she appropriated the look of a pony who had just put a very, very sour candy into her mouth.

“...that’s horrible!” Pinkie’s voice rose as she stretched upward, forehooves planting into the tabletop, her face twisting into an expression of unmistakable anger. “How could you do that?! And how could Shining Armor do that?! He’s supposed to be a Captain and a Prince and a husband and big brother and officer and gentlecolt and all sorts of other shiny good things and that’s not how a pony who is a shiny good pony acts!”

“Whoa, there!” Dash mirrored the pink pony’s posture, the two standing nearly nose-to-nose over the table. “There’s nothing wrong with what they did!”

“Nothing wrong?!” the other mare screeched and huffed. “Are you kidding me?! They were bumping rumps, knocking horseshoes, playing hide the hoagie, churning the butter, doing two-pony push-ups, practicing the mattress mambo, making the beast with four cutie marks, corralling the one-eyed snake behind the dock, doing the hippity dippity doo-dah!” her mouth screamed into the heavens.

Amid the mounting sense of anguish, the pregnant unicorn couldn’t help but be impressed. For a pony who supposedly disliked figurative turns of phrase, Pinkie was certainly in no shortage of them.

“Yeah, so what? Big deal! If Twilight wants to get it on with her big bro, what’s it to you?”

“What’s it to me is Twilight’s little ‘private party for two’ has more than two, no matter who got the invitations or how many pieces she cut from the cake!”

“What–? She’s gonna take care of the foal. And get the candy corn out of your ears; she wasn’t trying to get pregnant! It just happened.”

“And it wouldn’t have happened if she didn’t have sex with her brother!”

Seeing Fluttershy cowering with her hooves protectively over her head, and Rainbow and Pinkie seriously looking like they might come to blows, Twilight quickly opted to give diplomacy a chance, putting her own growing hurt aside.

“Pinkie Pie,” she stated as authoritatively yet non-confrontationally as she could, at the same time gently pulling Dash back. “I respect your right to feel the way you do, but I hope you can respect that this is my choice and I will be the pony to handle the consequences.”

Yet Pinkie wasn’t in the least bit pacified. “Respect?! What about your respect for other ponies? You think this is all about you? Pfft! No way, missy! I don’t go judging what ponies do in bed – unless I’m the judge at a pillow-fort building competition, but that only happens twice a year. But when you play games that can end up hurting innocent ponies, that’s where I draw the line!” Pinkie declared as she plowed a thick red crayon over a large paper sheet spread before her, then spit it off into the distance.

Rarely had Twilight heard the logic-bending pony speak with such coherence about matters so weighty – though, of course, with her own bit of Pinkie flair. What was truly surprising was that Pinkie was, to all appearances, meeting the scholar on her own battlefield – a landscape of reason and normative ethics – and making a competent attack.

Twilight’s tryst had brought into being Little Cadance – an innocent who deserved no punishment on account of her mother’s actions. A pony’s entire thread of existence was in her hooves. The thought still stung; and the unicorn rallied all her resolve to repel both Pinkie and her own biting conscience.

“How my daughter was conceived is irrelevant. I can be a responsible mother for her. I will be a responsible mother. I know it. I admit that Shining Armor and I could have been more careful about protection, but there is nothing inherently wrong with our relationship. He wanted it, I wanted it; it was a case of completely mutual desire.”

Pinkie huffed, then yelled, “If you wanted your twat tickled that badly, you could’ve just asked Thunderlane!”

Twilight’s jaw dropped, though she recovered fast with a slam of hooves and a surge of righteous fury. “Enough with Thunderlane! The only pony I wanted to mate with was my brother, who is smart and attractive and loves me, and I don’t care whether you like it or not; I’m glad we did it!” It felt almost too good to strike back; every word seemed to bubble up from some warm and secure place in her core, soothing her throat as she spat it out.

Pinkie Pie gasped, then gasped again, somehow channeling Rarity all the way from Manehattan. “Well, if that’s the way you feel, then I guess we don’t have anything to talk about!” She crossed her forelegs and harrumphed.

“I guess we don’t!” Twilight shot back.

“Fine!”

“Fine!”

“Double-fine!”

“Quadruple!”

“Fine times infinity!”

Twilight blinked.

Pinkie leaned closer. “Psst...You’re supposed to say ‘fine times infinity plus one!’”

“That doesn’t make any sense,” the unicorn rebutted the suggestion. “Infinity plus one is equal to infinity.”

“Oh, then I win!” Pinkie squeaked the briefest of smiles – before settling back into a low-browed snarl. “Well, since we’re both so very infinity fine, I will be on my way. Oh, don’t bother getting up, I’ll get my own hat.” Here, she pressed a stylish dark-grey fedora to her head – though Twilight could swear she hadn’t come in with it – and opened the front door. “Come on, Fluttershy, we don’t need to be around where ponies don’t care for ponies who care about ponies – even those ponies that don’t care.”

Fluttershy downstared as she rubbed her hooftips together. “Umm, actually, I was hoping that I could hear Twilight tell us more about how this all happened to h–eeeep!” Her sentence was cut short as a pink limb hooked her waist and dragged the surprised pegasus out the door.

There was a slam.

Several seconds of vacant silence passed before Rainbow threw her hooves toward the door and screamed, “What the hay was that?!”

The empty entryway gave no reply.

“I made a mistake,” Twilight declared in acrid defeat. “It was a bad idea to tell them. They didn’t have to know. Ugh. What was I even thinking? Now Pinkie Pie hates me.” Her chin rested on the table as she blew a few sweet crumbs away and used her magic to languidly collect the empty plates and teacups into a pile, her eyes staring dully forward. She paused to examine the dark residue at the bottom of one cup.

That wasn’t supposed to be there. It should have been filtered out. And nopony had commented on the tea blend. A poor job, just like the rest of the evening.

While her hopes had lain on Pinkie’s accepting and free-spirited nature to be approving, or at least ambivalent, about things like consensual incest, Twilight had also planned for a distinctly negative outcome. As part of that, she’d promised herself that, no matter what happened, she wouldn’t cry. She’d done plenty enough of that already.

She inhaled and wiped her eyes. They were moist, but she wasn’t crying. 

“Something here doesn’t add up,” said the pegasus beside her. “Rarity’s one thing, but I never expected Pinkie Pie to act like that. I just don’t understand what her problem is.”

“She’s concerned about the effect this whole affair will have on my daughter. Pinkie loves foals; she thinks Little Cadance won’t have a proper childhood because of how she was conceived. I’m going to do my best, but... she has a point.”

“Nuh-uh. She’s concerned about the kid? Fine. But then she should be trying to help or something. How’s yelling at you going to do anything?”

“She was just surprised and angry.”

“I’m going after her.”

This snapped Twilight to attention. She literally put her hoof down. “Rainbow, no. Pinkie’s emotions are running high right now.”

Dash stared at her.

“...Well, higher than normal. We should give her time to calm down. Maybe I can talk to her in a day or two, reassure her that the best interests of my foal are my top priority; maybe I can salvage our friendship.”

But the pegasus was already airborne, her features sketched in grim creases of determination. She scoffed, “You can wait and plan all you want, but right now, I’m going after that pony to find out what crawled up her tail-hole! Nopony talks to my friend that way!”

Twilight prepared to object again, and had even begun to charge her horn to stop Dash leaving, when the front door squeaked open.

A sliver of long, soft-pink mane came into view, soon followed by the rest of Fluttershy’s timid frame. “Oh, um, h– hello again. Pinkie’s gone, but... I just wanted to come back and say: Thank you for having us, Twilight. I hope everything works out for you and your daughter. Your secret’s safe with me and... and you can count on my help if you need it.” Her muzzle birthed a tiny smile, though the rest of her demeanor – still barely inside the library, ears down, hoof scraping at a spot on the floor – made her look especially uncomfortable.

At that, Twilight felt a wave of relief wash through her. With Pinkie having so overwhelmed the situation, she had nearly forgotten the involvement of another friend whose feelings were just as important. She could only hope that she hadn’t seeded the beginnings of an ideological tear between Fluttershy and Pinkie.

“Hah!” Rainbow cried triumphantly. “See, Twi? Things’re gonna be just fine. We got Fluttershy on board; Pinkie’s gonna have to come around.”

“So, you don’t have any problems with incest?” Twilight asked, daring to tempt her good fortune.

Fluttershy looked thoughtful. “Not really. Some of my critter friends have found comfort in the same way, so it can’t be all bad. Love works in strange ways. It is the first time I’ve met a pony who was involved in that way…” She looked to one side and another, her lips bitten into a small frown. “I’m just worried about Princess Cadance in all this. She and Shining Armor seem like such a sweet couple. I hope their marriage can survive. Is your brother going to tell her?”

Dash and Twilight looked at each other.

The unicorn pulled her mental checklist for review. Thanks to a certain pony’s antics, a few of the entries had been scribbled, skipped, and/or covered in pink frosting. One item in particular.

“…Uh-oh.”



“Alright, first question,” Shining Armor said, his wary and confused eyes fixed on the mare before him as his heart rate returned to normal. “What exactly are you doing in my bathtub?”

“I came to talk to you about Cadance,” Pinkie Pie replied, contorting her bottom lip to blow an accumulation of soap bubbles off her muzzle.

“...While I’m taking a bath?”

“Oh, I know how busy it can get, being a Prince and all, and we needed someplace private,” Pinkie explained with a series of playful bats at the water. “I figured this wouldn’t impact your schedule, you’d be relaxed, and we’d have all the privacy we need.” In a flash her features turned grim. “But don’t get any ideas, Your Highness. We’re not going to do anything naughty. In fact, me being in this tub has absolutely nothing to do with sex. Oh, except the part where we need to talk about you having sex with Twilight.”

The stallion exhaled and faced the water. “So, she decided to tell you.”

“Yep. It's a reeeal tough spot you’re in, which is why your good friend Pinkie Pie’s here to help,” the mare declared earnestly as she herded a rubber momma-ducky and her brood around the perimeter of the bath.

Shining Armor’s eyes formed a squint. “Alright. Next question: How did you get past the guards?”

Pinkie titled her head. “Guards?”

Hoof met face as the unicorn grumbled, “Great. Just great. You were completely right, Cadance, why don’t we just hang a huge banner in front of the Crystal Palace that says, ‘Welcome Changelings’?”

“Ooh, I can help with that! I’m really good at painting banners!”

“...Right. And the fruit basket?” He pointed to the colorful arrangement atop Pinkie’s head.

“Oh, that’s just my present for you and Cadance. Rarity says the proper protocol is to always bring a gift to the reigning monarchs when visiting their castle.”

Shining Armor leaned back and stared somewhere above, his face tensed in thought. “Well, that part makes sense, at least. Ever since we came to rule the Crystal Empire, we’ve been getting lots of gifts. But, for the future, you don’t have to bother, Pinkie. Cadance and I have more than enough.”

“Oh, okay!” The earth pony said as she bit into a pear she’s picked from her mane-basket. “Does that answer all your questions?”

“All except the one: What exactly do we need to talk about?”

Here, Pinkie sloughed off all pretense of joviality, tossed the fruit aside, her countenance as serious as a heart attack at a funeral.

“If you’ll recall, Prince Shiny, I was your certified, official, and approved-by-Princess-Celestia-herself wedding reception planner. I don’t accept an assignment like that without taking on a big responsibility for the results. Your marriage didn’t end when the party did, and neither did my obligation to ensure that you both remain as happy as the day you were married.”

“But... Cadance and I are happy.”

The pink mare sighed sadly and dramatically. “Denial. I thought this might happen. Prince Shiny, do you really think that a happy husband deceives his beloved, and gets another mare pregnant when everything is all right in his marriage?”

“What? But I never–”

“Oh, I understand!” Pinkie called out, pulling the stallion into a sloshy side-hug as one forelimb stretched upward. “The pressures of palace life! All your subjects looking to you for leadership. Politicians trying to curry favour, jockeying for position in your court. The economy in a nosedive!”

“Actually, our economy has been impro–”

“You and Cadance barely see each other! Your schedules so full, you might as well be strangers. And when you do get together, she’s just as stressed out as you are, it just doesn’t happen, and a stallion has needs. Oh, I understand you perfectly, Prince Shiny.” Pinkie faced the young Prince, her hooves on his shoulders, their noses almost in contact.

“Please stop calling me Shiny–”

“So you turn to a mare you’ve known all your life; a safe relationship, a safe love, and you think: ‘What Cadance doesn’t know won’t hurt her.’ She pushed you away; doesn’t attend to your needs. Why else would you turn to Twilight for comfort? How could anypony blame you? Oh, but you’re wrong, so wrong!”

“I think you have the wrong idea–”

But Pinkie paid him no mind, instead expounding to some invisible audience. “Just two bodies seeking relief. You tell yourself it doesn’t need to be more than that, but then BAM! Twilight’s pregnant, and you think you can hide that, too, and maybe you can, but it doesn’t change the fact that it’s wrong to treat Cadance like this; it’s wrong to live a lie! I know you two still love each other! I know there’s still hope! Your marriage doesn’t have to be an empty shell built around a hollow lie covered in the slime of infidelity and spiralling towards the deadly whirlpool of divorce!”

Shining Armor stared, his jaw slack as Pinkie panted hard enough for the movements of her chest to create sizable waves in the tub. The water level had receded as the splashing had displaced a fair amount of liquid, fruit, and ducks onto floor, walls, and pony.

Once calmed somewhat, the mare pressed a hoof to her chest. “It is my solemn duty to see that you and Princess Cadance get your happily ever after.”

The stallion’s eyes went wide as understanding, and with it, a genuine fear, sparked within the soldier who had countless times brushed off death and eldritch horrors. 

Heedless, Pinkie declared her intentions. “I’m here to save your marriage!”