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# Drury Lane: Chapter 5 -Wild Mild West-

By: PaleNarrator on Apr 22nd, 2012 | syntax: None | size: 9.81 KB | hits: 930 | expires: Never
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1. >Day 612 in Equestria.
2. >You sat inside a train cart, sleeping happily to locomotive's too and fro motion.
3. >You smiled to yourself. Today had been going swimmingly.
4. >You helped Pinkie construct a massive doughnut earlier for a small convention in Canterlot.
5. >In fact, the train you were on was going to that convention.
6. >It was funny, you had no idea about a doughnut convention in Canterlot.
7. >Pinkie was the one who informed you about it, and she seemed pretty excited about the venture.
8. >waking yourself up from your nap, you let out a yawn and scratch at your chin.
9. >Damn that feels nice, bro.
10. >You look out your window to gaze at the spectacle that was the rolling valleys and mountainsides of the Canterlot's countrysi-
11. >Brown.
12. >So much brown.
13. >Cacti?
14. >Tumbleweeds?
15. >Since when did Canterlot go down the shitter so much? Last time you checked it was a lot more colorful than this.
16. >Hell, it reminded you of what Appleloo-
17. >...
18. >No.
19. >NO.
20. >NONONONONONONO
21. >Bursting through the door to the next car, you spot Pinkie Pie eating happily away on a crepe.
22. >"Morning Anon! Ooh, did you know they have crepes on this train? It's like a pancake got squished into an itty-bitty pan-"
23. >HAAAAAATE
24. >Pinkie stops herself when she notices the intense, burning fury in your eyes.
25. >Like Satan's boiling ANUS.
26. >"...You alright bestest, special somep0ny? Is it the crepe? I mean you don't have to have one if you don't want to."
27. "APPLELOOSA."
28. >"What?"
29. "APPLE. LOOSA."
30. >Pinkie pauses, shifting a bit, but fainting ignorance.
31. >"Whaaaaat about Appleloosa? I don't know aaaaaaanything about Appleloooooosa!"
32. >She finished her fib off with a sweet smile, perking her ears up.
33. "YOU LIE, PINK ONE."
34. >You're in her face now, nostrils flaring like a bull ready to stomp the shit out of something.
35. "Are we on our way to Canterlot, Pinkie?"
36. >"...yyyyyeeeeeeess."
37. "Pinkie."
38. >"Yup?"
39. "Are we. On our way. To CANTERLOT?"
40. >She stares at you.
41. >You stare at her.
42. >She stares at you.
43. >You stare at her.
44. >"Nope."
45. >You've never jumped out of a train window faster in your life.
46. >Your escape it cut short when Pinkie latches onto your leg and pulls you back into the locomotive.
47. >"Oh no you don't, silly filly!"
48. "RELEASE ME."
49. >"No!"
50. "You pastel nightmare, I will not be dragged back to that hell hole!"
51. >She's got her hooves latched to your face, your foot pressed onto her head.
52. >A battle of immense proportions prepares itself.
53. >"If I told you we were going to Appleloosa, you wouldn't have come with me!"
54. "Damn right I wouldn't have!"
55. >"But how am I going to carry the monster-donought without my super special bestest baking partner?"
56. >You're taken aback my the utter sweetness she says this with.
57. >And then you poke her tummy.
58. >"Gaheeheehee! No fair! MY weakness!"
59. >Stunned by your tickle attack, you dart to the outside of the train, and climb up to the roof.
60. >You'd rather risk serious bodily harm than be taken back to Appleoosa.
61. >Fuck Appleloosa.
62. >Pinkie is quick to follow, appearing on the opposite side of the train car.
63. >She's dressed like Uma Thurman from Kill Bill.
64. >Yellow Jumpsuit, no katana.
65. >You're glad there's no katana, but still.
66. >Shit just got real.
67. >She adopts a fighting stance that screams, "Bring it Motherfucker."
68. >You adopt one that says, "I haven't stretched in YEARS."
69. >Suddenly you're both in the air, flying at each other, feet and hooves extended for an in-air collision.
70. >You're screaming like a goddamn madman.
71. "I WILL NOT GO BACK."
72. >"OH YES YOU WILL, TEEHEE."
73. >Through right as you're about to make contact with Pinkie, she pulls some physics defying Matrix bullshit and spins onto your leg, runs up it, and locks her arms around your face.
74. >Goddammit you've been bested.
75. >If it had been Trixie, someone would have had spit in their mouths by now.
76. >You tumble out of the air and onto the train's roof, having been taken down by Pinkie's Matrix Love Hug.
77. >She pins you to the roof, a hoof on each of your appendages.
78. >"Anon. You are coming with me to Appleloosa to deliver this doughnut whether you like it or not!"
79. >You say nothing.
80. >She will NOT break you.
81. >"Oh c'mon Anon, don't make me be a meany to you!"
82. "How on earth could you be mean to me?"
83. >"Fine, you leave me no choice. Anon, I ban you from nose kisses for a month!"
84. >Your eyes grow in a sudden flash of fear.
85. "You... you WOULDN'T."
86. >"Oh, WOULDN'T I?"
87. >You try to call her bluff, but her poker face is strong and practiced.
88. >Dammit.
89. >Looks like you have to give in.
90. "...Fine. I'll go with you to Appleloosa..."
91. >She instantly brightens up, but gets serious again.
92. >"Pinkie Promise?"
93. "Cross my heart, hope to fly. Stick a cupcake in my eye."
94. >She's back to her old self.
95. >Even the jumpsuit is gone. Weird.
96. >"Yay! Trust me Anon, it's not going to be that bad!"
97. >She kisses your nose.
98. >You hope it's worth it.
99. -------
100. >Appleloosa.
101. >what a piss-hole.
102. >Sure, ponies got by just fine here in the West, but dammit you didn't have the luxury of being a Pony.
103. >Most ponies didn't mind your being a human, but Appleloosa.
104. >Appleloosa disliked the SHIT out of you.
105. >You had told Pinkie of your various adventures throughout the land, but not of Appleloosa.
106. >You dare not speak about Appleloosa.
107. >But now here you stood, ponies trotting to and fro through the tiny town going about their business.
108. >Pinkie had changed into a "wild west" era outfit for the occasion.
109. >Fuckin' Pinkie Pie.
110. >Whenever the townsp0nies see you, they freeze, only to quickly trot away to wherever they were going.
111. >Pinkie Pie seems to notice right away.
112. >"Why is everyp0ny acting so loco? It's like they think you're a monster or something!"
113. >She's still all smiles and giggles, as you trudge on next to her carrying the doughnut box.
114. "It's... complicated. Let's just get this over with so we can go back home."
115. >Okie-dokey-lokey! We need to take it to a saloon I think. The Salt Block."
116. "The Salt Block."
117. >"Yep!"
118. "Great. Just... just great. Okay, let's go."
119. >You lead Pinkie to the saloon, and see two old colts fist fighting outside the bar.
120. >Something about a mare they saw, you don't know.
121. >You step into the saloon through the swinging double doors, and the whole place goes deathly silent.
122. >Daggers. They're staring daggers at you.
123. >"Hiya everyp0ny!"
124. >They all tip their hats to Pinkie, they're eyes still locked onto you.
125. >Fuck me, do they still remember what happened?
126. >Pinkie looks up to you.
127. >seriousface.png
128. >"Okay, out with it."
129. "I got into a duel."
130. >"What?"
131. "I got into a duel with a colt in town. I won. They drove me out."
132. >"Wait, if you won, then why did they drive you ou-"
133. "Favoritism."
134. >"Ah. Well, let's not waste anytime then! I'll go talk to the owner and get the payment for the doughnut. Wait here."
135. >She bounces off happily.
136. >You try to relax, but it's not easy. All eyes are on you.
137. >Suddenly there's a hoof on your shoulder.
138. >"Well well well. Look who decided to bring his scrawny flank back to Appleloosa."
139. >Well shit.
140. >Tex.
141. >You turn around to meet the stony gaze of Buck Texas, local badass and dickhead extraordinaire.
142. >He's eye level with you, and his cronies stand behind him, sneering at you.
143. "Tex. Didn't expect to run into you again. How's the eye?"
144. >He stares heat back at you, the eye with a small scar twitching slightly.
145. >"I thought we told you to never come to this town again, you fuckin' monkey."
146. "And I thought I told you to not fuck up my bar, you asshat."
147. >"This ain't your bar no more, boy. Now I suggest you step out of here and keep on walking."
148. "Can't. Doughnut."
149. >"What?"
150. "Doughnut. Have to deliver it. Sorry to disappoint you."
151. >Tex eyes the large box with the Master of Doughnuts inside, and gets a wicked look in his eye.
152. >"Oh you mean THIS doughnut?"
153. >He then stomps the ever living shit out of the box, dough and frosting seeping from it's smashed remains.
154. >You cover up the burning wildfire of hatred you have for Tex right now.
155. >After all it's not him you're worried about.
156. >"Well now, monkey, what are ya gonna do about THAT?"
157. >Then, you hear what you were preparing for.
158. >A saddened squeal from across the bar.
159. >Pinkie's eyes are welling up with tears, her face in a distraught frown as she looks at the mushy remains of her creation.
160. >One tear drops to the floor.
161. >That's all it takes.
162. "Hey, Tex, how's the other eye?"
163. >"Wha-"
164. >You headbutt Tex as hard as you can right in his good eye, sending him flying back out of the saloon.
165. >His posse is speechless.
166. "No one, makes Pinkie Pie cry."
167. >You crack your knuckles and tighten the bandanna around your neck.
168. "NO ONE."
169. >A flash of Pink zooms past you as Pinkie connects a hoof with the stomach of on of Tex's buddies, rocketing him into the air and through the roof of the Salt Block, his body twinkling into the distance.
170. >Pinkie's eyes are fiery and full of rage, as she looks at you and smiles.
171. >You smile back, and pull out a frying pan and toss it to her.
172. "Shall we?"
173. >PP:"After you."
174. >Everybody was Kung-Fu fighting, it was fast as lightning, and dammit Pinkie can kick ass.
175. >Flank.
176. >Whatever.
177. >Out of nowhere, Trixie appears on the scene in a puff of smoke.
178. >Trixie: "ANONYMOUS. The Great and Powerful Trixie demands that you return her hat to-"
179. "Oh sweet, a hammer!"
180. >Trixie: "Whu-"
181. >You smack Trixie, stunning her stiff, and begin using her as a pseudo-pony-flail to combat Tex and his goons.
182. >My god, it was the best of both worlds.
183. >Only minutes pass by, and Tex and his pals are piled up, dazed and beaten.
184. "FAST BALL SPECIAL!"
185. >PP:"ON IT!"
186. >Pinkie balls herself up into a poofy orb, and you launch her directly at the pile of dicks.
187. >Connecting with an almost "bowling ball-esque" sound effect, they're sent Team Rocket Style into the air, never to be seen again.
188. >You stand with Pinkie Pie, the two of you breathing in a breath of triumph.
189. >The Braeburn tells you to get the fuck out before you murder someone.
190. >You oblige.
191. >And you and Pinkie never return to Appleloosa.
192. >Ever.
193. >Again.
195. ~End of Chapter 5~

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>Day 612 in Equestria. >You sat inside a train cart, sleeping happily to locomotive's too and fro motion. >You smiled to yourself. Today had been going swimmingly. >You helped Pinkie construct a massive doughnut earlier for a small convention in Canterlot. >In fact, the train you were on was going to that convention. >It was funny, you had no idea about a doughnut convention in Canterlot. >Pinkie was the one who informed you about it, and she seemed pretty excited about the venture. >waking yourself up from your nap, you let out a yawn and scratch at your chin. >Damn that feels nice, bro. >You look out your window to gaze at the spectacle that was the rolling valleys and mountainsides of the Canterlot's countrysi- >Brown. >So much brown. >Cacti? >Tumbleweeds? >Since when did Canterlot go down the shitter so much? Last time you checked it was a lot more colorful than this. >Hell, it reminded you of what Appleloo- >... >No. >NO. >NONONONONONONO >Bursting through the door to the next car, you spot Pinkie Pie eating happily away on a crepe. >"Morning Anon! Ooh, did you know they have crepes on this train? It's like a pancake got squished into an itty-bitty pan-" >HAAAAAATE >Pinkie stops herself when she notices the intense, burning fury in your eyes. >Like Satan's boiling ANUS. >"...You alright bestest, special somep0ny? Is it the crepe? I mean you don't have to have one if you don't want to." "APPLELOOSA." >"What?" "APPLE. LOOSA." >Pinkie pauses, shifting a bit, but fainting ignorance. >"Whaaaaat about Appleloosa? I don't know aaaaaaanything about Appleloooooosa!" >She finished her fib off with a sweet smile, perking her ears up. "YOU LIE, PINK ONE." >You're in her face now, nostrils flaring like a bull ready to stomp the shit out of something. "Are we on our way to Canterlot, Pinkie?" >"...yyyyyeeeeeeess." "Pinkie." >"Yup?" "Are we. On our way. To CANTERLOT?" >She stares at you. >You stare at her. >She stares at you. >You stare at her. >"Nope." >You've never jumped out of a train window faster in your life. >Your escape it cut short when Pinkie latches onto your leg and pulls you back into the locomotive. >"Oh no you don't, silly filly!" "RELEASE ME." >"No!" "You pastel nightmare, I will not be dragged back to that hell hole!" >She's got her hooves latched to your face, your foot pressed onto her head. >A battle of immense proportions prepares itself. >"If I told you we were going to Appleloosa, you wouldn't have come with me!" "Damn right I wouldn't have!" >"But how am I going to carry the monster-donought without my super special bestest baking partner?" >You're taken aback my the utter sweetness she says this with. >And then you poke her tummy. >"Gaheeheehee! No fair! MY weakness!" >Stunned by your tickle attack, you dart to the outside of the train, and climb up to the roof. >You'd rather risk serious bodily harm than be taken back to Appleoosa. >Fuck Appleloosa. >Pinkie is quick to follow, appearing on the opposite side of the train car. >She's dressed like Uma Thurman from Kill Bill. >Yellow Jumpsuit, no katana. >You're glad there's no katana, but still. >Shit just got real. >She adopts a fighting stance that screams, "Bring it Motherfucker." >You adopt one that says, "I haven't stretched in YEARS." >Suddenly you're both in the air, flying at each other, feet and hooves extended for an in-air collision. >You're screaming like a goddamn madman. "I WILL NOT GO BACK." >"OH YES YOU WILL, TEEHEE." >Through right as you're about to make contact with Pinkie, she pulls some physics defying Matrix bullshit and spins onto your leg, runs up it, and locks her arms around your face. >Goddammit you've been bested. >If it had been Trixie, someone would have had spit in their mouths by now. >You tumble out of the air and onto the train's roof, having been taken down by Pinkie's Matrix Love Hug. >She pins you to the roof, a hoof on each of your appendages. >"Anon. You are coming with me to Appleloosa to deliver this doughnut whether you like it or not!" >You say nothing. >She will NOT break you. >"Oh c'mon Anon, don't make me be a meany to you!" "How on earth could you be mean to me?" >"Fine, you leave me no choice. Anon, I ban you from nose kisses for a month!" >Your eyes grow in a sudden flash of fear. "You... you WOULDN'T." >"Oh, WOULDN'T I?" >You try to call her bluff, but her poker face is strong and practiced. >Dammit. >Looks like you have to give in. "...Fine. I'll go with you to Appleloosa..." >She instantly brightens up, but gets serious again. >"Pinkie Promise?" "Cross my heart, hope to fly. Stick a cupcake in my eye." >She's back to her old self. >Even the jumpsuit is gone. Weird. >"Yay! Trust me Anon, it's not going to be that bad!" >She kisses your nose. >You hope it's worth it. ------- >Appleloosa. >what a piss-hole. >Sure, ponies got by just fine here in the West, but dammit you didn't have the luxury of being a Pony. >Most ponies didn't mind your being a human, but Appleloosa. >Appleloosa disliked the SHIT out of you. >You had told Pinkie of your various adventures throughout the land, but not of Appleloosa. >You dare not speak about Appleloosa. >But now here you stood, ponies trotting to and fro through the tiny town going about their business. >Pinkie had changed into a "wild west" era outfit for the occasion. >Fuckin' Pinkie Pie. >Whenever the townsp0nies see you, they freeze, only to quickly trot away to wherever they were going. >Pinkie Pie seems to notice right away. >"Why is everyp0ny acting so loco? It's like they think you're a monster or something!" >She's still all smiles and giggles, as you trudge on next to her carrying the doughnut box. "It's... complicated. Let's just get this over with so we can go back home." >Okie-dokey-lokey! We need to take it to a saloon I think. The Salt Block." "The Salt Block." >"Yep!" "Great. Just... just great. Okay, let's go." >You lead Pinkie to the saloon, and see two old colts fist fighting outside the bar. >Something about a mare they saw, you don't know. >You step into the saloon through the swinging double doors, and the whole place goes deathly silent. >Daggers. They're staring daggers at you. >"Hiya everyp0ny!" >They all tip their hats to Pinkie, they're eyes still locked onto you. >Fuck me, do they still remember what happened? >Pinkie looks up to you. >seriousface.png >"Okay, out with it." "I got into a duel." >"What?" "I got into a duel with a colt in town. I won. They drove me out." >"Wait, if you won, then why did they drive you ou-" "Favoritism." >"Ah. Well, let's not waste anytime then! I'll go talk to the owner and get the payment for the doughnut. Wait here." >She bounces off happily. >You try to relax, but it's not easy. All eyes are on you. >Suddenly there's a hoof on your shoulder. >"Well well well. Look who decided to bring his scrawny flank back to Appleloosa." >Well shit. >Tex. >You turn around to meet the stony gaze of Buck Texas, local badass and dickhead extraordinaire. >He's eye level with you, and his cronies stand behind him, sneering at you. "Tex. Didn't expect to run into you again. How's the eye?" >He stares heat back at you, the eye with a small scar twitching slightly. >"I thought we told you to never come to this town again, you fuckin' monkey." "And I thought I told you to not fuck up my bar, you asshat." >"This ain't your bar no more, boy. Now I suggest you step out of here and keep on walking." "Can't. Doughnut." >"What?" "Doughnut. Have to deliver it. Sorry to disappoint you." >Tex eyes the large box with the Master of Doughnuts inside, and gets a wicked look in his eye. >"Oh you mean THIS doughnut?" >He then stomps the ever living shit out of the box, dough and frosting seeping from it's smashed remains. >You cover up the burning wildfire of hatred you have for Tex right now. >After all it's not him you're worried about. >"Well now, monkey, what are ya gonna do about THAT?" >Then, you hear what you were preparing for. >A saddened squeal from across the bar. >Pinkie's eyes are welling up with tears, her face in a distraught frown as she looks at the mushy remains of her creation. >One tear drops to the floor. >That's all it takes. "Hey, Tex, how's the other eye?" >"Wha-" >You headbutt Tex as hard as you can right in his good eye, sending him flying back out of the saloon. >His posse is speechless. "No one, makes Pinkie Pie cry." >You crack your knuckles and tighten the bandanna around your neck. "NO ONE." >A flash of Pink zooms past you as Pinkie connects a hoof with the stomach of on of Tex's buddies, rocketing him into the air and through the roof of the Salt Block, his body twinkling into the distance. >Pinkie's eyes are fiery and full of rage, as she looks at you and smiles. >You smile back, and pull out a frying pan and toss it to her. "Shall we?" >PP:"After you." >Everybody was Kung-Fu fighting, it was fast as lightning, and dammit Pinkie can kick ass. >Flank. >Whatever. >Out of nowhere, Trixie appears on the scene in a puff of smoke. >Trixie: "ANONYMOUS. The Great and Powerful Trixie demands that you return her hat to-" "Oh sweet, a hammer!" >Trixie: "Whu-" >You smack Trixie, stunning her stiff, and begin using her as a pseudo-pony-flail to combat Tex and his goons. >My god, it was the best of both worlds. >Only minutes pass by, and Tex and his pals are piled up, dazed and beaten. "FAST BALL SPECIAL!" >PP:"ON IT!" >Pinkie balls herself up into a poofy orb, and you launch her directly at the pile of dicks. >Connecting with an almost "bowling ball-esque" sound effect, they're sent Team Rocket Style into the air, never to be seen again. >You stand with Pinkie Pie, the two of you breathing in a breath of triumph. >The Braeburn tells you to get the fuck out before you murder someone. >You oblige. >And you and Pinkie never return to Appleloosa. >Ever. >Again. ~End of Chapter 5~