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Ponyville Blvd.

Yes, this is Ponyville, Equestria and it’s about two AM in the morning.  A team of paramedics has been sent to one of those great big houses on Ponyville Blvd’s ten thousand block.  A young mare has been found unconscious at a party.  Nopony important really, just your average unicorn from Canterlot with a few uninteresting spells.  Poor foal, she always wanted her friends to meet the pony who was the guest of honor at this party. Well, in the end they met her, only the price turned out to be a little high. You’ll hear about this again because one of Ponyville’s biggest stars was involved.  Perhaps you’d like to hear what happened?  You see, that unicorn is me. Let’s go back a few months to when it all started.

I was living in a small house about a block from town square.  Things were tough at the moment.  I hadn’t worked since my temporary position at Quills and Sofas had been eliminated.  The Summer Sun Celebration had given a temporary boost to Ponyville’s economy, but after the tourism bits dried up, the ponies just weren’t buying as many quills or sofas as they had before.  So, I sat at my desk, grinding away at my resume.  Maybe my special talent wasn’t useful enough, maybe it was too specific.  All I knew was, nopony wanted to hire me.

There was a knock at my door.  “Just a minute,” I called.  I opened it, and Pinkie Pie was at the door.  It only took a moment for Pinkie to leap through the doorway, and she started bouncing up and down.

“It’s soon!”

“Excuse me?”  I asked.

“You said you’d pay me soon, and it’s soon!”

“Yes, but that was last night, Pinkie Pie, you can’t possibly think that I’ve gotten a job and earned your money since then. Believe me Pinkie Pie, I’ll give you the bits when I have them, but right now that just isn’t going to be possible.”

“Sure thing, but you believe me Colgate,” she said as she pulled me close and bugged her eyes at me.  “If I don’t get my bits soon, you’ll lose your house forever!”

“You say the cutest things.” I replied.  Pinkie Pie went out the door, which I decided to lock before she decided to come back.  I needed about two hundred and ninety bits, and I needed them quick.  I had mortgaged my house to pay for an investment in a town hall expansion project, but that all went out the window after the Cutie Mark Crusaders decided to try their hooves at controlled demolition.  After I got laid off, the bank traded my mortgage to Sugarcube Corner without telling them about my prospects.  Pinkie Pie was in a tough position. She wasn’t unfair, but she needed the money if they were to keep to restaurant running.  And if she needed to sell my house to do so, that was that.

It was hard to think on an empty stomach, so I decided to have lunch at Sugarcube Corner.  It felt strange walking right into Pinkie Pie’s place of work when I was trying to avoid her, but I figured that Pinkie Pie would find me when she wanted to no matter where I decided to eat lunch.  Rumor had it, not even Rainbow Dash could get away from her when she wanted something.  Then I saw a pal of mine, Lyra.  Awful nice pony, she was a musician who I knew from the time I lived in Canterlot.  She waved me to her table and ordered me a cupcake.  I sat down, and we talked.

“So Colgate, how’s your job hunt going?”

“Not too well, Lyra, not too well at all.  Yesterday I went to the library and asked Twilight if she needed a hand with anything, but she really got her saddle in a twist.  She chased me out while screaming something about me ruining her parasprite mitosis studies or something.”

“Well, that pony always was a little strange, but forget about her.  I’m sure you can find a job somewhere else, you just need to find a place where you can apply your special talent.”

“It’s just too specific, there isn’t enough demand for a pony of my qualifications in a town this small.  Sometimes I think I should just give up and move back to Canterlot.

“Don’t say that…” she started but I wasn’t listening.  My attention had turned to Pinkie Pie, who was standing behind her, glaring at me.  I looked down at my half eaten cupcake, and realized that I probably didn’t look like I was working very hard.  I excused myself, stuffed what was left of my cupcake into my mouth, and galloped for the door.

“Forever!” shrieked Pinkie Pie.

I had no idea where I was going.  I knew that nopony could get away from Pinkie Pie, but I had to try.  I galloped down the road, and something caught my eye.  At the end of the road was a lovely sight indeed, a rundown looking mansion at the edge of the Everfree Forest.  If ever there was a place for a fugitive pony…  I walked up to the house to look for any sign of habitation when somepony from inside called to me.

“You there, why are you so late?” asked an oddly familiar voice.  I could see the silhouette of a unicorn through the blinds, but I couldn’t recognize the face.  I decided to interpret her question as an invitation to come in.  Maybe after explaining that I wasn’t who she thought I was I could convince her to hide me from my creditor.  The door telekinetically opened as I stepped toward it.  I entered the house and a chill ran down my spine.  All of the windows were blocked by thick curtains, and the only sources of light were the candles in the hallways, which illuminated the cobwebs hanging from the ceiling.  “This way.” called the voice.  I turned around, and at the end of the hallway was a blue unicorn with a silver mane.

Suddenly, I remembered where I had seen her.  “Wait a minute, I know your face.”

“Of course you do, do you not know that you are standing before the most magical unicorn in all of Equestria?”

“You’re Trixie! You used to put on magic shows, used to be big!”

Trixie frowned.  “The Great and Powerful Trixie is big!  It’s the ponies who got small.  Now where are Trixie’s robes?”

“Robes?  Trixie, you’ve got the wrong pony.  Pinkie Pie is chasing me, and she won’t leave me alone until I’ve repaid my debt to her or handed over my house keys.  I was wondering if you’d be kind enough to hide me.”

Trixie rolled her eyes. “Of course, Trixie knew that Rarity would want to bring them to her in person.  Get out!”

“Wait, I haven’t seen you around here since the time Twilight vanquished the Ursa Minor.  Where have you been?”

Trixie cringed at the name.  “There was a time when my little ponies were satisfied with watching the Great and Powerful Trixie perform feats beyond imagination, but oh no!  That isn’t good enough for them anymore.  Ever since that purple hack came along and ruined everything, they weren’t satisfied with my shows anymore!  Now you have to vanquish an Ursa live for them to love you!” she said, growing louder the longer she continued.

“Settle down!” I pleaded, “Pinkie Pie will hear us!”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” she said “If you’ve eluded her for this long, it’s because she let you. Now what did you say your name was?

“I didn’t but it’s Colgate,” I replied.

“Are you looking for a job Colgate?”

“Yes, I would be grateful,”

“Then follow Trixie.”

Trixie led me into her living room and sat down at her desk.  “The Great and Powerful Trixie has been planning a magic show for her return, but she hasn’t been to Ponyville in a long time.  In that time, Twilight Sparkle could have performed any one of these tricks, but Trixie has no idea which.  Trixie’s new show needs to be bold!  Inventive!  And completely original!  You need to look over her outlines and make sure nopony has seen these before.”

Why not?  I didn’t have anywhere more important to be, and the job she mentioned probably involved badly needed bits, so I sat down and read her outlines.  Her silly looking scribbles were unintimidating at first glance, but I was completely unprepared for what I was about to read.  Her show was an origins story; describing how she became the mare she is today.  Some of the tricks she called for sounded like they might be interesting, but most of them were just prettied up rehashes of tricks she had performed at her last show,  usually little more than a few explosions and smoke.  And the story was an incoherent mess. For the bulk of it, I could not even imagine what Trixie was trying to say, but there was something about her overthrowing the “Dreaded Zebra King” and bringing liberty to a zebra nation.  Just when it started to get boring, there was a knock on the door.  Rarity had arrived with Trixie’s new costume.

Trixie beamed at Rarity’s creation. “At last, the Great and Powerful Trixie will look absolutely stunning!  Trixie is so glad she didn’t let you talk her into buying those rags you designed the first time.”

A blood vessel swelled on the side of Rarity’s head.  “Of course, darling, if you need me to make any more changes, just let me know.”

“But of course you needed Trixie’s help with the design.  What did Trixie expect after your performance at her show last year?”

“You said that you could do anything better than us, but you didn’t style my mane better than I did! You destroyed it!”

“You’re just mad because turning it green was an improvement.”

“You! You...” Rarity snarled and stomped out, muttering something about Trixie’s etiquette.

After I finished reading her outline, Trixie spoke up. “Well?”

“This looks like a fascinating show,” I said.  “It needs work, but if we change the story to something more believable and you learn some new tricks, we can work with it.”

“That is the story of Trixie’s life! Are you saying that it’s a lie?”

“Um, of course not, that’s not what I’m saying at all.  But after the incident with the Ursa Minor last year, some of the citizens might not believe it.  Maybe you could just drop the narrative altogether and stick to your guns.”  I was lying too, of course.  It didn’t feel right to encourage her, but I needed the money, and maybe if she hired me I could make her show less of a disaster.

“If the Great and Powerful Trixie is to learn new spells, she’ll need books from the library.  She knows! She could send you to get what she needs!”

I couldn’t believe my luck! “I don’t know Trixie, I’m very busy this week, and I’m not cheap.”

“Don’t. Lie. To Trixie!” she barked.  “You already told her you were looking for work!”

I guess it’s only easy to lie to her when you’re telling her what she wants to hear.

*** *** ***

I couldn’t talk Trixie into giving me advance on my fees to repay Pinkie Pie, but I had convinced her to buy my Mortgage off of Sugarcube Corner’s hooves so that I could work off my debt with her. You’d never guess it by the shabby trailer she travels in, but Trixie is loaded.  Her trust fund payments were more than enough to pay for all of her expenses, and the shows that she put on were more of a hobby than an actual job.  I slept better than I had in months, at least until she came.  At about 5:30 in the morning, I heard a hoof on my door.  When I opened it, Pinkie Pie was standing in front of me.  She was wearing a suit and a tie, with a suitcase on her left and an alligator on her right.  Before I could open my mouth, she burst into song.

This is your singing foreclosure,

You have yourself to thank.

I’m throwing you into the street,

Because you broke the bank.

You borrowed lots of bit and you

Signed contracts you can’t keep.

I’m sure that you regret it;

Now you have no place to sleep.

I said that you should get a job,

But you refused to work.

You stayed at home eating cupcakes;

You kind of were a jerk.

You are a lazy pony

And you really goofed up good.

I thought that I’d come by this way,

Make sure you understood.

You gotta start packing your things,

You’ve got one day to vacate.

Don’t worry ‘bout where you’ll stay now,

Everfree Forest looks just great!

Pinkie Pie kicked her suitcase which cracked open revealing a row of oversized glitter guns which all fired at once.  For the next few moments she just stood there grinning at me sheepishly.

I snorted. “Well that was rude.”

“I’m sorry, I tried to tone it down, but then I just couldn’t get it to rhyme.  Unfortunately, as I’m sure you’ve already guessed, I’m not here for constructive criticism.”

“Hold your horses now, Pinkie Pie, I’ve convinced Trixie to buy my mortgage off your hooves, I’m just waiting on the paperwork.”

“Oh, well why didn’t you just say so?  Thanks!”

“You know, I don’t even remember what I’m paying you for, if anything you still owe me after somepony almost poisoned me with that muffin!”

“Don’t be a meanie Colgate, Applejack already apologized for that.  You know what Twilight would say? ‘Dear Princess Celestia, when somepony offers to do you a favor, like baking you a muffin, you shouldn’t be overly critical of something that was generously given.  In other words, you shouldn’t look a gift horse in the mouth.”

At this I just face hoofed.  I didn’t think it was fair to compare Rarity’s dresses to septic shock inducing baked bads, but I knew Pinkie Pie wasn’t going to listen so I didn’t say so.  “Listen Pinkie, I still owe Trixie a lot of work, so unless you have something else to say, would you mind if I go back to bed?”

Pinkie Pie gasped, and I could tell by the look in her eyes that I had made a big mistake.  “I’ve always got something to say! You said Trixie is in town? Wow! The last time she was here she was kind of annoying but I thought that if she had some friends to keep her in line it would be good for her, so I had this big party planned for her, but she left before it could start! Can you believe that?”

I knew that I only had one option left, and rudely shut the door in her face.

“Okay, see you tomorrow Colgate!”

*** *** ***

Later that morning I walked down to the library to start researching new tricks.  I wasn’t too thrilled about returning, but luckily Twilight wasn’t still mad at me for interrupting her experiment.

“Hi Colgate, I’m sorry I snapped the last time you were here.  I had been working a little too hard and the strain was getting to me.”

“Well that’s alright.  How did your project work out?”

“I was working on potion to hinder parasprite division, but it didn’t work out the way I hoped.  The mixture worked properly most of the time, but eventually some of them built up a resistance to it and started giving birth to hideously deformed baby parasprites.  Fluttershy freaked out, and I’m on a break from that research for now.”

“Oh, yikes.” I wondered to myself what a mutant parasprite would look like.  They seemed like they were such simple creatures that it would be hard to get them wrong, but I decided it would be better not to ask.

“Yikes is right.  Fluttershy is sweet most of the time, but if she gets angry enough she changes and believe me; you never want to get one of those lectures she gives when she snaps. Apparently my ‘mad experiments’ show no regard for the sanctity of life, and she expected better of me. Anyhow, I should let you go.  Let me know if you need help finding anything.”

I looked around the library and picked out a few of the more interesting looking titles.  I brought them to Twilight to check them out.

“Advanced Pyrokinesis for Gifted Unicorns?  I’ve never seen you using magic like that before.  No offense Colgate, but are you sure you aren’t going to burn down the town with this?”

“It’s not for me, I’m helping Trixie plan a magic show.”

“Trixie?  As in she who is great and powerful? I haven’t seen her around in a while.  But, are you sure you should be encouraging her?”

“I’m going to try to convince her to take it easy with the boasting, but either way I need the job. There is nothing inherently wrong with magic shows.”

“Well, good luck with that Colgate.” she said, looking at me like she thought I had lost my mind.

I said goodbye and walked to Trixie’s house.

*** *** ***

“Now Trixie, make sure that you’re careful with this book.  Twilight Sparkle says that the spells in it can…”

“Colgate, stop.  Twilight may appear to be a great magician pony, but she’s really just a magician phony.  There is no pony spell that Twilight can do that Trixie can’t.  Trixie isn’t going to listen to a word of her advice.”

I rolled my eyes.  “Alright, I’ll bite, what do you have against Twilight?

“Well, let Trixie tell you.  Twilight may not be a particularly good magician, but she isn’t dumb either.  In hindsight, the ploy she used to discredit Trixie was ingenious.  Now the first thing you may remember about the night of the Ursa Minor attack was how impotent Trixie’s magic had become.  Her telekinesis wasn’t even strong enough to bind the Ursa’s fingers, and she dares say a pegasus pony could have conjured a bigger storm cloud than the one she used to smite it.  Now it just so happens that the day before the Ursa attack, two of Trixie’s fans brought her a hay shake.  It seemed innocent enough, so she drank it.  However, now she suspects that Twilight spiked it with some kind of magic inhibiting potion.  Now this still leaves the question of how a talentless loser like Twilight could have vanquished such a powerful creature, but Trixie has figured that one out too. Obviously, the day before the attack Twilight paid the creature off to take dive once she stepped up to the plate.  Afterwards she hypnotized Trixie’s fans into thinking that it would be a good idea to bring the Ursa to town, where else would they get an idea that idiotic?  Trixie is mad at Twilight because not only did she use an insidious ruse to discredit Trixie, but she used her own fans against her! Trixie will not rest until that snake is brought to her knees!”

I nodded and took another sip of my drink.  I took a mental note to mention Twilight as infrequently as possible from now on.

*** *** ***

Later, I took a second look at Trixie’s outline.

Fillies and Gentlecolts, prepare to be amazed!  Soon you will witness the most astounding spells ever cast!  Introducing, magical talent made flesh: the Great and Powerful Trixie!

What baffled me most about Trixie’s outline was that everything she said was scripted.  I had always assumed that it was improvisation, but apparently every self-flattering monologue had been carefully planned.  I tossed the first page into the trash, but just than Trixie appeared.

“What was that?” Trixie asked suspiciously.

“Just a few lines I threw out.  The monologues were getting a bit repetitive, and frankly, I don’t think anypony is interested in hearing you talk about yourself all day.”

Trixie laughed.  “Ponies come for miles to hear Trixie talk about herself.  The Great and Powerful Trixie can’t help being the most interesting pony in the world.  She gets fan letters every day, and they want to know everything about Trixie, Trixie, Trixie! The Great and Powerful!”

“And that’s the other thing; you don’t have to talk about yourself in third person the whole time.  Ponyville is only home to a few thousand ponies. Everypony already knows your name.”

“Trixie has heard just about enough of this, change it back!”

I didn’t argue with her anymore.  She couldn’t hear me over the roaring sound of how awesome she felt that she was.  She was just plain crazy when it came to that one subject, the Great and Powerful Trixie.

*** *** ***

“Colgate, what are you waiting for, bring us our hay smoothies!” I sighed and trudged over to the kitchen.  Trixie had invited her entire fan base over to play poker with her, and I was waiting on them.  Their names were Snips and Snails, but I just thought of them as those two idiot colts.  The poker chips were worth a centibit a piece, and I’d get half of her winnings once they ran up to  three bits, which was just about the only cash money I ever got.  I dropped the smoothies on the table and whispered “Trixie, it’s getting late.  Would you mind if I go home now?”

“Colgate, what did Trixie tell you about distracting Trixie while she’s playing cards?”

“Yeah Colgate,” said Snails, you’re making it hard to… concentrate on… gah!” He shouted clutching his head between his hooves.

“Snails, what are you doing?” asked Snips.  “You aren’t supposed to show us your hand yet.”

I shrugged and walked toward the door.  Trixie was concentrating too hard to see me leave, and I’d hate to be a distraction.  I would be more useful to her at home sleeping so I’d be ready for another day of work.  However, I was in for a nasty surprise.  After I got home, I went to my bedroom.  I turned on the lights, and found another pony sleeping in my bed!  Seafoam woke up with a start and frantically looked around.  “Colgate, what are you doing in my house?”

“Your house? Seafoam, I’ve lived here for three years.  How did you even get in here?”

“With the key the landlady gave me, of course.  Trixie didn’t tell me that the previous tenant still had a key though…”

Trixie?  How could she?  Trixie didn’t tell me anything about my house getting rented out.  She had a lot of explaining to do.  I stormed into Trixie’s house and slammed my hoof down on the table.

“Colgate, you made Trixie forget what was in Snails’s hand.  Where’s the fire?”

“I just went home and found somepony in my house!  She said that you rented it to her, what it the meaning of this?”

“Oh it’s just that?  With all the fuss you were making, Trixie thought it was a matter of life and death.”

“It is to me! Our deal was that you would bail me out if I took this job!”

“Well of course, dear, but if Trixie let you work on her plans at home she could hardly supervise you very effectively.  Trixie has plenty of room here for you stay until the revisions are complete.  In the meantime, Trixie rented out your house so you can pay her off faster.  Trixie still owns your house, and if her terms are unacceptable, Trixie is sure you can find a tree to sleep under in the Everfree Forest.”

“This deal gets worse all the time.” I muttered, but we both knew that I had little choice in the matter.  It wasn’t like I had anyplace better to stay. Trixie and I stared for a long time.

Then, Snails broke the silence.  “Why do they call these things poker chips?  They don’t taste anything like chips.”

*** *** ***

The next few weeks were fairly typical by Ponyville standards.  Princess Celestia visited town to taste the first apple of the season, the Cutie Mark Crusaders tried to figure out if their special talent was court ordered community service, and Twilight and her friends saved the town from a pack of marauding sphinxes.  Over this time, Trixie began demanding more and more of my time.  If I had too much privacy, after all, I might harm that precious plan of hers.  My range of duties expanded as well, becoming something of a personal assistant to her.  My salary was raised in accordance to the time she demanded, but I still felt like it had been too long since I had gone shopping with Bon-Bon or shared a muffin with Derpy.  A few times a week, Trixie would take me on walks though the Whitetail Wood.  Occasionally she would let me speak, but most of the time she told me stories about her adventures.  Before long, I had heard about her battling just about every kind of monster I had heard of, and several I had not.  And much of the time, she would walk very close to me, looking at me almost as if she was begging me, in her own proud way, to believe her fanciful tales. One day, while we were on one of our walks Trixie asked me, “Colgate, just what are you wearing?”

“I’m not wearing anything, should I be?”

“Well, your coat is getting tiresome.  Trixie will take you into town and have Rarity make you a new dress.”

“A new dress? Why would I need that?”

“Must you question everything Trixie does?  She wants you to look nice.”

And before I knew it, we were at the Carousel Boutique.  When Rarity heard the door open, she closed her eyes and began her customary greeting in French, but she was taken by surprise when she opened her eyes to see Trixie standing in her store. She looked like she was physically straining not to show her displeasure. “Oh Colgate, Trixie…how pleasant to see you.”

“It’s always pleasant to be in the presence of arcane might incarnate, but believe it or not, this isn’t about Trixie, my friend here needs new evening clothes.” said Trixie.

“Of course darling,” Rarity said through gritted teeth, “I’ll put together the most elegant gown you’ve ever seen Colgate, just you wait.”

As Rarity got to work, Trixie found a mirror and began to examine her mane.  “Now Colgate, I’d like you to feel this material, gold silk.  Of course it’s a little more expensive, but it adds just the right touch, don’t you think?”

“No thanks, the other material will do just fine.” I replied.

Rarity looked over her shoulder and whispered in my ear, “As long as the… lady is paying for it; why not take the gold silk?”  It was disturbing to realize how casually I had come to accept the generosity of my employer, but as Twilight Sparkle had once said, why be overly critical of something that is generously given?  Besides, I didn’t mind having a dress with just the right touch added.  In a flurry of fabric bolts thread and needles, Rarity finished my dress.  She did a great job, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that she had worked extra quickly, not wanting Trixie in her shop longer than necessary.  We boxed the dress and headed out.

On our way back to Trixie’s house, Trixie mentioned that her Christmas Cacti were dead, so I offered to find some replacements for her at Daisy’s Flower Shop.  Trixie liked this idea, so I went inside.  I picked up a houseplant, and headed to the counter to pay, when I heard a familiar voice behind me.

“Well, look who’s returned to town.”  Bon-Bon and Lyra were standing behind me.  “Lyra here wanted to send out a search party for you, but I figured you were already manticore food, so why waste the effort?”

“Colgate, I haven’t seen you around in a while, where have you been?” asked Lyra.

“Well, I’ve taken a job as Trixie’s personal assistant, and it keeps me pretty busy.”

“The Great and Powerful Trixie?” asked Lyra.

“Wait, I get it, sneaking around with disgruntled magicians, only coming into town to pick up spell books, and avoiding contact with the rest of the town? This pony is going to help Trixie overthrow Canterlot!”

“Oh shut up Bon-Bon.” Lyra said before turning to me.  “The last time Trixie was in town she seemed a bit… abrasive.  How has she been treating you?

“Oh, don’t be too hard on her; she’s not so bad once…”

Just then, Trixie burst in through the front door.  “Colgate!” she barked, “The Great, and Powerful Trixie does not like to be kept waiting.  What is taking you so long?”

“Well, technically I’m still on duty right now, so I’d better go.  I’ll catch up with you two later.”

“Remember us little ponies when you and Trixie take over Equestria!” shouted Bon-Bon.

Trixie and I walked away. “What took you so long?” she asked.

“I ran into some ponies I knew.  I hadn’t seen them in a while so we had a chat.”

“Where are Trixie’s cacti?”

In the rush to get out before Trixie lost her temper, I had forgotten them.  “Eh, I’ll plant you some new ones.”

*** *** ***

It was at Trixie’s Spring Fling party that I found out how she felt about me.  Maybe I had been an idiot not to have seen it coming, that sad, embarrassing revelation.  The party was a bit more formal than what Pinkie Pie would prefer; no party hats streamers or balloons.  Everywhere there were ice sculptures Trixie had made of herself using her magic, and somehow their horns were burning without melting them. On the edge of the room there was a phonograph playing tango records.  In the heart of it all, was Trixie in what had to be one of the ugliest dresses I had ever seen.  Rarity really needs to stop making these co-designed monstrosities, I thought.

“Colgate, you look simply stunning!” She said as she trotted up to me.

“Oh please…” I said as I weighed returning the complement.

“Trixie wasn’t joking.”  She replied.  “That pony’s mane may look like a mass of purple taffy from Sugarcube Corner, but she did a good job on you.”

“You know, to me getting dressed has always meant taking good enough care of myself that my coat doesn’t fall out.”

“Hahaha, cute. Come on, let’s have a drink.”

We drank punch, talked, and danced at her strange, quiet little party.  We even ate a cake with a picture of the two of us painted on it in frosting.  I wonder what Mr. and Mrs. Cake thought when they made it?  As we danced, I found the nerve to speak up.  “Trixie, when are the other guests coming?  You invited my friends like I asked, didn’t you?”

“There are no other guests. We don’t want to fill this night with other ponies; this is for you and Trixie.”

“Oh?”

“Hold Trixie tighter.”

“…Ok, after a while do you feel like bringing the ice sculptures to life and terrorizing the town?”

“You think this is all very funny.”

“A little.”

About an hour later, we got tired sat down on the couch.  “What a wonderful spring it’s going to be! After our show, Trixie will take you for a ride in her dirigible and we’ll fly to Cloudsdale and…”

“Trixie, this is getting weird.  Why don’t we just bail on this party and head down to Sugarcube Corner?  Surely Pinkie Pie is having a party there and I could introduce you to the other ponies.”

“Don’t be silly, if Pinkie Pie hosted it, that awful Twilight Sparkle will probably be there.  And besides, Trixie isn’t interested in all that Ponyville trash, she only wants you.”

“Trixie, I’ve had enough of this, what right do you have to take me for granted?” I shouted as I stood up.

“What right? Do you want Trixie to tell you?”

“Has it ever occurred to you that I may have a life of my own?  That I have friends who I’m starting to miss?”

Trixie frowned. “Who, some carrot farmer or cupcake baker?”

“What I’m trying to say is that I’m all wrong for, you’re my boss, and I’d prefer if we kept this professional.”

“You’re saying that you don’t want Trixie to love you!  Who could be so ignorant as to reject the most magical unicorn in all of Equestria?” Trixie shouted.

“I’ve had enough of this insanity; I’m leaving!”

“Then be gone with you!”

*** *** ***

Without turning back, I went out the front door.  I just had to be away from Trixie.  I was willing to pretend that the way she always talks about herself in third person didn’t annoy me, and I was willing to pretend that I didn’t always feel like I was about to put a hoof across her face every time she told me one of those absurd stories and expected me to believe her, but I wasn’t willing to pretend that I loved her as well.  That mare could be insufferable.  I needed to be away from her, have some fun for a change.  I knew just the place.

I arrived at Pinkie Pie’s apartment above Sugarcube Corner, and everything was exactly the way I pictured it.  There were balloons, streamers, cakes, and ponies from wall to wall.

“Muffins!” I turned around there was a grey Pegasus with crossed eyes behind me, offering me a muffin.

I thanked her and inhaled it.

“It’s been a while Derpy, how has life been treating you?”

“Just fine,  after the town square incident I had expected that my company would be delivering a lot more construction material for rebuilding the town hall, but the Mayor still hasn’t cleared up all the red tape that is necessary to begin.  The investigation is ongoing and apparently, somepony in Canterlot is afraid that we’d be building on top of potential evidence.  I’ve mostly just been carrying paperwork back and forth between the Mayor and investigator ponies.  Anyhow, I didn’t see you at the winter wrap up, where were you?

“I’m afraid that my job has been keeping me too busy for me to attend.  You see, I’m helping Trixie prepare for another magic show.”

“Trixie as in the Great and Powerful Trixie?”

“That’s the one.  Why does everyone keep asking me that?  I asked her if she would come to it, but she said that we had too much work for us to attend. She said that she could wrap up winter with magic on her property by herself. so we were pulling out own weight.  I’m not sure I agree, but that’s our excuse.”

“Well don’t worry, you didn’t miss anything good.  Last year I had a good time clearing the clouds, but this year I was assigned to teach my cousin, Ditzy Doo to use a compass.  It seemed manageable at first but we had to send her to urgent care after she broke it open and cut herself on the shards.  She said that she wanted to see the little ponies inside that moved the needle.”

Ouch, hope she gets better soon, send her my best.  Anyhow, technically I wasn’t supposed to come to this party, but my employer and I had a little bit of a disagreement, and I’m on a mini vacataion right now.  Hopefully she won’t still be mad when I get back.”

“Sorry to hear that.  Anyhow, I should give you a chance to talk with the others.  See you later!”

Not a moment passed before Bon-Bon was waving me over to where she and Lyra were standing.  “Colgate, I was hoping you would come!  How close are you and Trixie to taking over the kingdom?”

I grinned.  “Bon-Bon, you know I can’t talk to you about work.  It’s for your safety as much as mine.”

Lyra facehoofed.

“To tell you the truth,” I said, “the boss and I got into a bit of a disagreement, and I ended up leaving before she could tell me whether or not I was fired.”

“Whoa. Well to be honest that doesn’t really surprise me, but I hope you two can make up.” said Lyra.

“I know” said Bon-Bon  “I’m not ready to give up on having a friend in the government just yet.  Still, it’s like Lyra said, it’s not like we didn’t expect this.  You were always a big softie, Colgate.  I knew you weren’t really going to go through with this.”

“Actually, that’s not what I meant at all.” said Lyra.  “Anyhow, I didn’t see you at the winter wrap up this year, Colgate, where were you?”

“With Trixie.”

“That’s what we figured. “said Bon-Bon. The plant patrol managed to do its part without incident, so I don’t have anything interesting to tell you about that.  But has Lyra told you about what happened with the animal patrol this year?”

“I’d rather not” said Lyra.

“Well that’s ok; I can tell her for you. Fluttershy and Lyra were at the burrows waking up the critters when one of the badgers went into a frenzied panic at the sight of Fluttershy. It wrapped itself around Lyra’s head and wouldn’t let go!  We could hear the screams all the way from Sweet Apple Acres. Fluttershy went into hysterics and it took them almot twenty minutes to calm her down enough to use the stare on the critter and get it off of Lyra.”

“That’s not funny Bon-Bon!  Fluttershy thought that her talents were failing her, how would you feel if all the ingredients ran away while you were trying to make candy? Lyra protested.

“Erm… it truly is a shame that I couldn’t make it this year” I lied.

“Sure is.” said Bon-Bon.  “Well, enjoy the party, and let me know as soon as you’ve banished the princess ponies to the moon so I can stop paying my taxes.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.” I deadpanned.

*** *** ***

After a few hours, I realized that I wasn’t enjoying the party as much as I expected.  And why should I be?  As fun as it was it laugh and swap storied with friends, I had another whom I had abandoned.  Trixie may have her flaws, but she was the only pony who had given me more than just words in my time of need.  She had given me back my home, even if she had rented it out to other ponies to pay off my debt.  But she had also given me work, and ultimately a purpose in a town where I had felt useless.  And to thank her, I had left her all alone in that empty house.  Sure, her advances had creeped me out, but surely I had overreacted. The more that I thought about it, the more that I felt I had made a mistake.  Even if I could not explain what, there was some reason that I was drawn to her, why else would I have stayed with her so long after my debts had been paid?  I may not approve of everything that she has done tonight, but right now she needed me more than anypony else did.  I heard a loud crash in the direction of Trixie’s house. Nopony else seemed to notice it, but at that time I knew exactly where I needed to be, so I left Pinkie Pie’s Spring Fling without looking back.

*** *** ***

Part of me was afraid to see what I might find there, but I just had to know; what had Trixie done?  As I approached that creepy old mansion, the sounds of things being broken got louder.  I opened the door and saw Trixie standing at the top of the stairs.  She was telekinetically holding a stack of plates over the balcony and dropping them over the balcony one by one.

“Trixie, are you mad that I left your party?”

“No, she’s not mad, what makes you ask that?” she asked as another plate shattered on the floor. A particularly large shard of porcelain slid across the floor and bumped against my hoof before spinning to a stop.

“Trixie, you’re being ridiculous, stop that!”

“To fall in love with you, that was the ridiculous thing!” she said as she hurled a plate in my direction.  My horn glowed as I deflected the plate with my own telekinesis, and it shattered against the wall.

“I know I hurt your feelings, but tearing the house down isn’t going to do us any good.”

“Are you kidding? Trixie feels better already, now get out of here!” she said as the wardrobe next to me imploded.

“Look Trixie, I’m sorry!” I shouted as I walked up the stairs.

“What?”

“I thought the whole thing was a mistake, and I didn’t want to hurt you.  You’ve been good to me.”

“Then thank me and go!”  Trixie dropped the remaining plates and wept bitterly.  I walked up to her and nuzzled her ear.

“Good Spring Fling, Trixie.”

“… good Spring Fling, darling.”

I couldn’t tell whether I felt something for Trixie, I just felt like I owed it to her for helping me in my time of need, or I just felt like she needed me.  But I asked myself what I could do for Trixie; I decided to stay by her side.

*** *** ***

Trixie continued to practice her craft, and I’ll admit that her magic was starting to look rather impressive.  One day, we ventured into the outskirts of Ponyville so that she’d have some space to rehearse.  Unfortunately, her presentation wasn’t getting any more watchable.

“Come one, come all, witness the power of the Great and Powerful Trixie!  Although savagely run out of town by ignorant mules, Trixie has returned to perform the most amazing tricks ever seen by ponykind!”

For her first trick, Trixie filled the sky with clouds, only leaving an opening for the sun to shine on her, creating a natural spotlight.

“Behold the incredible magic Trixie used to banish the Terrible Zebra King!

Trixie reared up and wiggled her hooves, with her horn glowing.  Then, an enormous burning image of a zebra wearing a crown appeared in the sky.  The burning zebra snorted flames.  That thing had to be bigger than the Ursa Minor those two idiot colts brought to Ponyville last year.

“When the Great and Powerful Trixie was but a filly, she was traveling with her family through the zebra kingdom of Straipobi, when they were detained by the Straipoban royal guard!  The Terrible Zebra King had intended to hold us hostage in order to lever concessions out of Princess Celestia, but when they tried to separate Trixie from her parents, she discovered her amazing magical power and turned the guards into carrot sticks!  The Zebra King was most impressed and offered Trixie a deal.  He would let Trixie’s family go if Trixie agreed to become his court magician, but if Trixie refused he would kill us all.  Not yet having mastered her uncanny magical talent, Trixie grudgingly agreed.  However, Trixie practiced her magic, and once she became powerful enough, she banished the Terrible Zebra King with her awesome power and brought democracy to Straipobi!”

As she spoke, the burning zebra in the sky whinnied and faded away.

I rolled my eyes.  As if it wasn’t bad enough that Trixie expected her audience to believe this garbage, her show had treasonous undertones as well.

“Well well well, once again it seems we have some neigh-sayers in the audience!” Uh oh, she was looking at me.

“Well Twilight Sparkle, you may think you’re hot stuff for vanquishing that Ursa Minor last year, but is there anything you can do that the Great and Powerful Trixie can’t?”

I didn’t like where this was going, but I knew better than to break character. “Um, parasprite mitosis studies?”

Trixie was stunned.  She just stared at me for about ten seconds before smiling.  Her horn glowed and she turned me into a gem studded bowtie.  “Once again, the Great and Powerful Trixie has proven that she is the most powerful Unicorn in all of Equestria!  Not even Twilight Sparkle can stand before her arcane might!”

I transformed back into my original self.  “Is that really your plan Trixie?  To challenge Twilight to a magic contest and turn her into a bowtie?  Surely you don’t think it will be easy?”

Trixie’s color changed from its usual blue shade to a bright red.  “Colgate, what did Trixie tell you about interrupting her rehearsal?”

“Um, right, I’m sorry I interrupted the performance.  You were doing a great job.”

“You’re so sweet, thanks Colgate!”

She was a fool not to sense that there was something phony in my praise, and I was a heel to lie to her like that, but I was afraid.  If I told her what I really thought she might shut me out entirely, and then I wouldn’t be able to help her at all.  And she was so protective of the show she was planning, that precious braincolt of hers.  Was it so bad to let her be happy for now?

*** *** ***

I was on my way to the library to pick up a book for Trixie, but my mind was elsewhere.  I couldn’t stop thinking about Trixie, and how comically ineffective my attempts to socialize her had been.  I had tried to convince her to come into town and meet my friends, but she insisted that I was the only pony she needed.  Even worse, I was running out of excuses to delay her big comeback and unless I did something soon it was going to be a disaster.  Sure, she had learned enough magic to put on three times the show she had the last time, but she didn’t care about making the audience smile.  The only purpose of her show was to force a confrontation with Twilight Sparkle, a contest she would surely lose.  Twilight may have been too humble to challenge her directly last year, but surely her friends would not allow her sit idly through Trixie’s boasting a second time.  Trixie simply could not conceptualize putting on a show that does not revolve around her being the most powerful unicorn in Equestria, and until she reclaimed this title by proving herself against Twilight, she could not return to performing for the sake of performance.

“Colgate?  Are you feeling all right Colgate?”  As I snapped back to reality I came face to face with Twilight Sparkle.

“Sorry, I must have gotten lost in thought.  I’d like to borrow Advanced Telekinetic Animation and Golem Crafting if at all possible.”

“It happens to the best of us, I’ll have my number one assistant find it for you.”  And a little dragon wearing a bowtie which looked a lot like the one Trixie turned me into nodded and started searching the bookshelves.

“Well, look who it is.”  If everypony keeps sneaking up on me like that I’m going have a heart attack, I thought.

“Lyra, nice to see you, what have you been up to?”

“Well, the Town Square reconstruction effort has been keeping most of us busy.  Even with magic, it took weeks to clear the debris.  We still haven’t figured out what genius it was who gave those fillies access to demolition charges, but at this point we probably never will.”

“Yikes, I hope those three get their cutie marks before the whole town is destroyed.  Anyhow, Trixie’s been keeping me pretty busy, but we’re getting results.  Her magic will be more impressive than ever at her next show.”

Lyra grinned. “From what I hear, that’s not all she’s been keeping you busy with.”

“Lyra I…”

“Don’t worry, I know a lot of ponies have said some nasty things about her, but I’m happy for you two.”

I cringed. “Lyra I’m feeling a lot of things, but I’m not feeling happy for Trixie and I right now.”

“What?”

“I’m just frustrated right now, I’ve tried to help Trixie, but she’s just as vain, reclusive, and deluded as ever.  I’ve tried to get her out of the house to meet you and my other friends, but she refuses.  She still won’t stop obsessing over how she’ll crush Twilight and reclaim her former glory.  And worst of all, she won’t stop boasting or quit telling those ridiculous stories of hers.  I want to help her, but whenever I try to talk about it she just tunes me out.  More than anything, I think that me becoming her marefriend validates her behavior in her mind.”

Lyra looked horrified.  “Colgate, I know that you’re not the type to use a pony for her money, and if you were lonely you could find company elsewhere, but do you love her or not? Because from where I’m standing, it sounds like what you really want is to change her into somepony else.”

“Of course I love her! I’m trying to make her happy.  If I could just help her make more friends, get her to drop the theatrics, mend fences with Twilight, and stop obsessing over who is the most powerful Unicorn in town, we could just leave all this drama behind we could come back to the community with our heads held high.”

“Colgate, those may not necessarily be the things Trixie needs to be happy, those are the things you would need.  Not everypony needs the whole town’s approval to feel good.  You might be the only friend she needs, but here you are, trying to take away everything that makes her Trixie.”

“If this gets any deeper, I’ll have to wear boots.” said Spike.

Lyra and I both turned to the little dragon and stared.  “How long have you been listening to us?”  I asked.

“Since the part where Lyra passive aggressively called you a gold digger…”

“I did not!” shouted Lyra.

“…So do you still want this, or are you afraid that Trixie learning more magic will just make this worse?” Spike continued, ignoring Lyra.

“Give me that!” I shouted as I telekinetically snatched the book from Spike.

“I was just trying to help! Last time I’m getting mixed up in this namby pamby baloney.” Spike muttered as he stormed out of the room.

I turned back to Lyra.  “Listen, I appreciate that you’re trying to help, but what Trixie is doing isn’t healthy, and I have to put an end to it.”  I turned towards the door.  “It’s been nice talking to you, but I have a lot of work to do, so I really must excuse myself.”

“I expected better of you Colgate.  You tell yourself that you’re doing this to help Trixie, but you’re really just trying to turn her into somepony who would fit into your own life better.  It makes me sad, Colgate.”

I considered turning back, but I really had nothing left to say.

*** *** ***

When I returned to Trixie’s house, I learned why she wanted that book.  Apparently she liked that idea about the ice sculptures a bit more than she had let on.  She was demonstrating one of the scenes from her show for me, to show me how her frigid puppet worked.  However, my mind was still on the conversation I had with Lyra.  Maybe she was right?  Maybe I was being selfish; maybe I could learn to love all of Trixie’s traits.

The sculpture of Trixie came to life as the scene began.  “After defeating the dreaded Zebra King, Trixie was invited to come to Canterlot to receive a medal from Princess Celestia herself.  But Trixie was not ready to leave Straipobi!  Trixie could have an audience with the princess any day, but even she cannot go on vacations to faraway lands all the time.  So she told the messenger to tell the princess that she would grace her with my presence after she was done shopping and touring, and not a day sooner!  Everypony wants Trixie’s time and Celestia would just have to wait her turn.”

If I cannot learn to accept Trixie for who she is, she deserves better than me.  Surely she could find somepony else who would.

The sculpture of Trixie floated into the air alongside that of a stallion in the uniform of a sailor.  “When Trixie was finally ready to indulge the princess’s request, she was taken aboard a great ship, where she met a charming sailor.  He and Trixie spent a great deal of time together.”

Trixie is just being herself, who am I to decide she needs to change?

“Trixie fell  in love with him on their long voyage, she danced the dance of seven veils. But the sailor rejected Trixie, saying that she was but a filly and to become involved with her would be wrong.  So she hurled him over the deck to his death!” At that, the sailor dropped out of the air and shattered on the ground.  “And then she raised his body from the sea on a golden platform, kissing his cold dead lips. Who are you to reject the greatest equine who has ever lived? If Trixie can’t have you no one will!”

Alright, forget Lyra, this pony needs help!

*** *** ***

I knew that if there was anypony who could help me assimilate Trixie into the community, it was Pinkie Pie.  However, I wanted to be discreet about this project, so I decided to meet her in the middle of the night.  I crept into Sugarcube Corner, walked up the stairs, and knocked on Pinkie Pie’s door.

“Colgate, hi there!  You won’t believe what happened to me, that one paparazzi pony, Cashier said that he found a severed ear in my cupcake and scared away all my customers!”

“Seriously?  I thought that everypony had agreed that the jokes about your cupcakes were getting stale?”

“Well I guess somepony didn’t get the message.  But why did anypony believe him?  It’s not like anypony actually saw him pull it out of the cupcake!  And the crumbs that were stuck to the hairs were all burnt!  I never burn my cupcakes.  Well except when I’m baking with Applebloom, but with that pony all bets are off!”

“That’s awful Pinkie Pie, I hope you can prove that he’s lying soon.”

“Thanks Colgate, but I’m sure you’re not here to hear about Cashier and his loony get rich quick schemes.  You’re here to talk about Trixie!”

Uh oh, Spike must have talked.  And if Pinkie Pie knows, it won’t be long before everypony in town must know about that talk I had with Lyra.  That was supposed to be private!  Oh well, it’s not like Trixie ever talks to anypony but me, maybe she won’t find out.  “Yes, you see Trixie has been planning this big magic show in which she intends to force a confrontation with Twilight Sparkle to prove that she’s the better magician.  The problem is, in the likely event that she loses I don’t know how she’s going to deal with it.  I thought that if we threw a party for her and got her to meet more ponies, we could get her to see that she doesn’t need to be the most powerful Unicorn in town to be liked.”  I wondered what Lyra would say to this.  Maybe she’d ask me to consider whether Trixie is doing this show so that the other ponies will love her, or so that she can love herself… No, that’s crazy, Lyra.  This party is going to happen, and it is going to work.  “But I can’t throw this party on my own, and you might be the only pony who can pull this off.  You’ve already told me that you’ve planned a party for Trixie before, so will you help me?”

“Of course I’ll help you!  I’m always up for a party, and a change in attitude might be just what Trixie needs!  These parties never backfire, well except that one time my party drove Gilda into a psychotic rage, but I’ll tell Dashie not to booby trap the punch this time.”

*** *** ***

Trixie began training non-stop for the show that I was hoping to prevent.  She counted every calorie, and went to bed every night at nine.  She was determined to be ready, ready to perform for those ponies who would never turn their heads. And whenever she was not receiving extensive beauty treatments at Carousel Boutique (much to Rarity’s displeasure) she was practicing her magic, which I must say, had become drastically more potent.  However, being constantly occupied with her preparation left her unable to keep tabs on me.  Even she could not be fooled forever, though, and seemed to catch on to my extra-curricular activity.  One night, she confronted me with her suspicions.

“Colgate, where were you last night?  Trixie had a nightmare!  It was like she was reliving the day she defeated the Kraken, only this time she had lost her magic.  She was standing on the docks at the Cape of Good Hooves between the citizens and the monster, and she was about to smite it with lightning, but then Twilight emerged from the crowd and put a curse on Trixie!  Suddenly Trixie had lost her magic.  The Kraken wrapped a tentacle around her and she cried out for help as the monster dragged her beneath the waves, but everypony was ignoring her!  They couldn’t see Trixie and the Kraken, or maybe they were just ignoring them, but they had just gone back to their lives!  It was horrible.  When Trixie woke up she screamed for you, and you weren’t here.  Where were you?”

Whoa, did she just make this up to make me feel bad, or does she actually dream about these stories she tells about herself?  “I’m sorry,” I said, “I must have gone for a walk.”

Trixie sighed.  “Trixie forgives you, she just doesn’t want to be left alone. Not while she’s this stressed out.  You’ve seen what she’s going through to prepare herself for her comeback.  And with Rarity being Ponyville’s only beauty expert, Trixie lays awake every night, just knowing that one of these days she’s going to mess up and dissolve Trixie’s mane!”

“Trixie, if you’re so concerned about that, why do you even go?  You look beautiful, there’s nothing wrong with you that Rarity can fix worse than having you hair melted off.”

“Don’t be absurd!  Trixie can’t go on stage with puffy eyes!  Trixie just needs you to be a little patient with her and a little kind.”

I just nodded reassuringly.  Don’t worry Trixie, Colgate is going to make everything alright.  Just give me a little more time and you won’t have to worry about that horrid magic show any longer.

*** *** ***

That night I lay in bed pretending to be asleep.  The sounds of Trixie’s soft snoring usually alerted me that it was safe to leave, but for some reason, she remained silent.  Suddenly, Trixie walked into my room with tears into her eyes.

“Colgate, where were you really?  You’re seeing another pony aren’t you?”

Oh Celestia, this is so creepy!  This monologue isn’t meant for my ears, please, make her leave!

“Oh Colgate, why can’t Trixie ask you? It’s Twilight Sparkle isn’t it? Trixie should have known that witch wouldn’t be content with ruining her life just once.  But no one would ever cheat on Trixie intentionally, she’s the greatest mare there is!  Unless… Twilight must have you under a trance!  She has you programmed to sneak out at night so she can have you for yourself!  Curse you Twilight!  When Trixie is done with you, you’ll wish you were never born!” Trixie stormed out and, and I listened as she threw herself into her bed and began to snore.”

I put my pillow over my face and tried to forget what I had heard.

*** *** ***

Trixie was right to suspect that I was playing hooky every night, but not for the reasons she thought.  I had been going out to see Pinkie Pie and various other ponies important to our plot.  It reminded me of when I was a filly growing up in Canterlot.  Sometimes, I would sneak out on my parents and go to parties with my friends.  For some reason we could never get Twilight Sparkle to come along.  But this time, I wasn’t going to a party, I was planning one.  So I returned to Sugarcube Corner to put the finishing touches on our plan of attack.

“Oooh, Colgate!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed as I entered her apartment.  “I just had the most exhausting day ever; Cashier dragged me into court to sue me for traumatic injuries.  He claimed that he could prove to the jury that the ear came from my cupcake.”

“Uh huh…”

“But I was like “are you loco in the coco?”  The molecular analysis found honey in the crumbs found on the ear.  All of the candies I put into my cupcakes use maple based sweeteners!  Furthermore, the overall composition indicated the ear had been cooked in a wood fueled stove, I don’t even own one of those!”

“I’m impressed Pinkie Pie, when did you learn all this?”

“A few chemistry journals at the library got torn apart, and I picked a few things up while I helped Twilight clean up.”

“Torn apart?”

I heard Twilight groan from behind a nearby couch.  “Remembers how the Cutie Mark Crusaders are doing community service? Well they were assigned to prune Ponyville's trees.  The Library is public property, so they had to prune that to.  However, it has so many branches that they figured they could just cut the tree at the trunk and get them all at once.  We stopped them before they could do too much damage, but there was a shelf of scientific journals where they decided to start cutting, and they all got shredded.”

“Oh…”

“But that’s beside the point, Colgate.  Pinkie tells me that you’ve found a way for me to use my magic to help out in this plan of yours.  What’s that?”

“Well, we aren’t going to be able to get Trixie out of the house to go to a party voluntarily, so we’ll have to bring the party to her.  While doing research for Trixie’s magic show, I came across an advanced alternative to invisibility spells.  This spell can be used telepathically induce hypnotic suggestion, and convince Trixie that she is all alone, even while we are setting up right under her nose.”

“Interesting” Twilight said, looking at the book I offered her.  “This spell looks complicated, but nothing I can’t manage.  Looks like we’ve got ourselves a plan.

*** *** ***

“Things are starting to look up.” I thought to myself as I walked up the stairs to the upper level of Trixie’s house.  “All I have to do is stall Trixie until her surprise party, and then maybe Pinkie Pie can help her mend fences with everypony.  It may not work, but it’s worth a try.”  Why can’t anything ever be that simple?

“Colgate, Trixie is glad you’re here.  She has great news; she’s decided to debut her performance tomorrow!”

I facehoofed.  “Trixie, if you were planning on doing this, why did you send me to the library to get this book?”

“Trixie just discovered that Twilight Sparkle is leaving town the day after tomorrow, and won’t be back from Canterlot for a month.  Trixie can’t wait that long, it has to be tomorrow!”

“But Trixie, you can’t hold your comeback on such short notice; this should be an important event. We need time to build hype, so everypony will be there.”

“Trixie doesn’t care how big the audience is, all she needs is a handful of witnesses to see her outperform Twilight Sparkle, and then soon enough, everypony will know once again that Trixie is the greatest equine who has ever lived!”

So it had come to this.  I had tried being gentle with her, but the only option that I had left was to be completely and brutally honest with her.  I hoped that she could forgive me for what I was about to say, but I wasn’t going to bet the farm.  “Trixie, you’re being ridiculous.  Nopony is interested in your grudge; they just want to be entertained!

“That’s a lie!” Trixie said, “Trixie gets fan letters asking her to put that purple harpy in her place every day!”

“Trixie, you haven’t gotten a fan letter from anypony but Snips and Snails in over a year, and those ponies have less brains between them than a bag of hammers!  Wake up; you aren’t going to win back your prestige by picking a fight with Twilight you can’t win!”

“Can’t win?  Can’t win?  Do you not know that you are in the presence of the most powerful unicorn in all of Equestria?”

“Trixie, there’s nothing tragic about being the second most magical unicorn in town, just abandon this mad scheme before you embarrass yourself!”

“Second most powerful?  You wouldn’t know magical talent if it bit you in the hindquarters!  Just what in the name of Celestia is your cutie mark and special talent, Colgate?”

“It’s an egg timer.  My special talent is cooking eggs.”

“Is that so? Well than I challenge you Colgate, anything you can do, I can do better!”

At this point I didn’t think it was a good idea to encourage her anymore, but the chances I get to show off my special talent are so rare that I couldn’t help myself.  So I went downstairs, opened the fridge with my telekinesis, and pulled out two eggs.  I telekinetically shelled them and held them in midair where they began to coagulate as if cooked by invisible flames.  Before long they were both cooked perfectly, with the yolk left runny and the whites completely unburned.  To finish the act I telekinetically lifted up a napkin, and transmuted a piece of it into my special blend of herbs and spices and evenly sprinkled the tops of the eggs.  Finally, I dropped them both on a plate in front of Trixie. “Ta-da!”

That’s it?  Behold the Great and Powerful Trixie’s magic!  She pointed her horn at my eggs, and they both exploded, bits and pieces flying everywhere except onto Trixie, who shielded herself in a bubble of magical energy.

I was stunned.  I just stared wordlessly at where my eggs used to be.

“Once again, the Great and Powerful Trixie has prevailed!  None shall ever dispute my might again!” Trixie said with her back to me, as if there was an invisible audience with us in the kitchen.

“I don’t understand, what do you think you accomplished?  What did destroying my dinner prove?”

“Weren’t you listening, darling?  Trixie just said it proves she is more talented than you.  Now are you done with this nonsense? We need to get to work if we’re going to be ready for the show tomorrow.”  Trixie teleported out of the room and out of my sight.

“Trixie, where are you going?”  I galloped up the stairs and found Trixie in her room reading the spell book I brought.  Upon seeing me she snapped it shut and tossed it aside.

“Trixie is sorry she has to do this Colgate, but you’ve forced her horn.”  Her horn glowed, and suddenly I felt so tired that I couldn’t bear to keep my eyes open. “Trixie can’t concentrate amidst your constant disruptions.”

*** *** ***

I have almost reached the part where you found me.  I had hoped that I would have regained consciousness by now, but it seems that Trixie’s spell failed even more disastrously than I thought.  She seems to have put me into a coma. This certainly is distressing, but as long as I’m unconscious I had may as well tell you the rest.

*** *** ***

I awoke to a sudden falling sensation as I tumbled out of a wardrobe at the top of the stairs.  “What was that?” asked Trixie.  As she opened the door to her room, the lights turned on and a flurry of confetti came down.

“Surprise!” said the voices of too many ponies for me to count.

Trixie looked down at the crowd of ponies that had gathered in her foyer.  Pinkie Pie stood at the head of the pack, grinning madly.  “What is this, Pinkie Pie, what’s everypony doing here?”

“It’s your party, silly!” said Pinkie Pie.

“Oh yes… yes, Trixe’s pre-show reception. Down below they’re waiting for their magic.  Trixie is ready.”

So they were turning after all, those ponies’ heads. Life which can be strangely merciful had taken pity on the Great and Powerful Trixie. The dream she had clung to so desperately had enfolded her.

Trixie began to walk down the stairs and a tear appeared in her eye.  “Trixie can’t go on with the party. She’s too happy. Do you mind, Pinkie Pie, if she says a few words? Thank you.  Trixie would like to thank Pinkie Pie and Colgate for throwing this party.  You really do care, don’t you? And Twilight Sparkle, you must be here to apologize.  All is forgiven; Trixie won’t put you to shame in front of everypony if you don’t want her to.  Trixie just wants to tell you how happy she is to be putting on a show again. You don’t know how much she’s missed all of you. And Trixie promises you she’ll never desert you again, because after this show she’ll put on another, and another and another! You see, this is Trixie’s life. It always will be. There’s nothing else – just us and the magic and those wonderful ponies out there in the dark. All right, Pinkie Pie, Trixie is ready for her cupcake.

The last thing I saw before I fainted was the sight of Trixie slowly pulling the cupcake toward her mouth with her magic, and just before it touched her lips everything went dark.

The End

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