Title:           Cuddle thread oneshots
Author:          thatguywiththeface
Pastebin link:   http://pastebin.com/JZD14Xu0
First Edit:      Monday 22nd of February 2016 10:40:17 AM CDT
Last Edit:       Last edit on: Friday 13th of May 2016 08:29:50 PM CDT

>You are just an ordinary ponice officer on her rounds doing your best to keep the peace in Ponyville.
>While doing so, you encounter the resident human laying on his back with a mint green unicorn in his sweater snuggling him.
>"Thank God you came, officer! Can you please get her off of me? I'm gonna be late for work."
>You give the unicorn your best stink eye, and she shrinks into the human's hoodie.
"You causing this stallion trouble?"
>"C'mon, officer, he was just BEGGING to be cuddled! Look at what he's wearing!"
>...
"Your story checks out."
>"WHAT!?"
>You crawl into the garment alongside the unicorn and wrap your hooves around the human's neck.
"Justice feels good. Really, really good."
 
____________________________________________________
 
>You're Anon, oddly enough, and you're currently giving Applebloom a ride in the front pocket of your hoodie.
>It wasn't long after the ponies had discovered hoodie cuddle technology that they figured out the front pocket was perfectly-sized for foals.
>Twilight had written a peer-reviewed paper about it and everything.
>Her two friends were close behind you, talking about crusades or whatever.
>When a cold breeze whips by, you absentmindedly slide your hand in your hoodie pocket, only for Applebloom to hug it tightly.
"Uh, I kinda need my hand, Applebloom."
>"Well ah need it more!"
>She nuzzles into your wrist and gives you big puppy dog eyes.
>That would've probably given you diabetes if you hadn't been living around stuff like this for years.
>You pull your hand out of the pocket, only for Applebloom to be pulled out with it.
>"H-hey! Put me back!"
>Before you can, you feel a warm weight settle in as Scootaloo jumps into the pocket.
>Applebloom's fear is quickly replaced by annoyance.
>"Git outta there, it's still my turn!"
>"You move it, you lose it."
>You feel a tug on your pant leg and look down to see Sweetie Belle looking back up at you.
>"When can I have a turn, Mr. Anon?"
>Right as you're about to speak, Applebloom begins crawling up your sleeve.
"C-cut that out, I-ah!"
>You look back down to where Sweetie Belle was standing only to see her tail disappearing up the bottom of your hoodie.
>After a few seconds, their heads pop out of the neck hole, beneath yours.
>"Aw, yeah~ nevermind, Scootaloo."
>The three of them begin to settle in as you resign yourself to your snuggly fate.
>"Thanks for the ride, Mr. Anon!"
"...Anytime, girls."
 
______________________________________________
 
>It has been almost a month since the ponies discovered the mysterious powers of your hoodie.
>You'd have thought things would have normalized by now, but no.
>You were currently trapped on a park bench by a sleeping Lyra in your hoodie.
>Salvation was on its way, however, as Twilight happened to be walking by.
"Twilight, I need your help!"
>"Oh, hello Anonymous! What seems to be the problem?"
"I need you to teleport Lyra to her bed or something."
>"...Why?"
"Why? I've been sitting here for almost an hour, Twilight. This bench has, like, no lumbar support."
>"You want me to teleport Lyra and you to her bed? I can handle that, easy!"
>Her horn begins to glow purple and you quickly reach out and pinch the end.
>"Ouch!"
"Not both of us, just her."
>"My horn really hurts..."
"Sorry, I-"
>"Kiss it? Make it feel better?"
"..."
>"Please?"
>You awkwardly lean over and kiss the end of her horn.
>She smiles up at you and rubs her horn.
>"Thank you, Anon."
>Frowning, she glances at Lyra.
>"Why would you want me to move Lyra? She looks so comfy."
"I was supposed to be at work half an hour ago."
>"I'll write you an excuse!"
"What? Twi, wait-"
>Before you can protest, she vanishes in a puff of purple, leaving behind a strong odor of lavender and ozone.
"Damn. She could have at least offered to bring me a pillow."
 
___________________________________________________
 
>When you went to bed, you'd hoped to wake up to a shenanigan-free morning, but alas, it was not to be.
>Sometime while you were asleep a gaggle of ponies had broken into your house and turned your bedroom into...
>Snuggle nest is probably the most accurate term.
>An unholy Union of pillow fort and blanket cave.
>You counted ten ponies currently cuddling into you, and there were several more snuggling each other on the edges of the mattress.
>Twilight was under your left arm, Fluttershy was under your right.
>You were using Princess Celestia as a pillow, and Derpy and Bon Bon were keeping your legs warm.
>Lyra had one and your hands on lock, and was gently suckling your thumb.
>Rainbow Dash was laying on your stomach, wiggling her hooves and wings while she dreamed.
>Big Mac was laying his head across your chest, and Doctor Whooves had squeezed into what little room was left on your side.
>Applejack was splayed across your lap, her hat covering her face as she softly snored.
>You feebly attempt to move, only to cowed by a chorus of feeble whines and your bedmates clutching you tighter.
>You settle back into their embrace with a defeated sigh.
>The indignities you must suffer as the only human in Equestrian.
 
________________________________________________
 
>Celestia sighed contentedly as you slid the brush through her mane.
>"Mmm~ You're doing a wonderful job, Anonymous."
>You didn't really expect to find yourself sitting on a huge bed brushing a pony when you first moved to Canterlot.
>Celestia had originally offered to help you find a job here, but when you scratched her behind the ear she offered you a job as the Royal Groomer on the spot.
>You agreed, thinking that you'd just be helping her get ready in the morning, but this is one high-maintenance horse.
>Sometimes you spent up to half an hour just brushing her mane.
>And right when you felt like you were getting it just right, you'd look away and it would get disheveled again immediately.
>On top of that, it was hard to work with her always laying on you and wrapping her wings around you.
>Plus, she always seemed to need primping during the day.
>Sometimes you found yourself wrapped in Celestia on her throne all day while she was working.
>You reached up and dragged your fingers along the roots of her mane, ahead of the brush.
>"Ngh~ Do that again, from the top please."
"You're the boss."
>You reach up with your left hand, brush in the right, ready to brush the hell out of her ethereal mane.
>When the brush enters her peripheral vision, she grips it and gently pulls it out of your hand.
>"Both hands, please."
>These horses had a weird idea of grooming.
>You dig your fingertips into the base of her scalp and drag them down.
>She arches her back and softly moans. You feel the now familiar feeling of her wing wrapping around you and pulling you into her side.
>She wraps her neck around you and begins rubbing her cheek against your shoulder.
"P-princess, I need to start on your tai-"
>She presses her weight into you, pushing you onto your back and falling on top of you.
>"...Preen my wings next, please."
"You've got a meeting with your financial advisor in fifteen-"
>"Consider it cancelled."
 
_________________________________________________
 
"...What?"
>"Ya heard me, there's a toll on this road!"
>The scruffy little Street urchin looked up to you with a defiant look, their chest puffed out.
"...I assume you meant to say five BITS, right?"
>"I meant what I said, big guy. Five kisses or you're gonna hafta take the long way 'round!"
>The "long way 'round" would have added probably 15 extra seconds to your trip.
"Do your parents know your soliciting kisses from strangers?"
>"C'mon, big guy! We ain't got all day, pay up!"
>You take a quick look around to confirm that no one's looking, and kneel down in front of the weird little horsechild.
"You promise not to tell anyone about this?"
>"Scouts' honor, mister!"
>You lean down and plant two small kisses on their left cheek, one on their right, and one on their forehead.
>You try to put the last one on their nose, but they jump up and give you a peck on the lips.
>Ew, horse germs.
"Alright, there's your toll. Now just let me go to work in peace."
>Before they can respond, a shrill cry makes them jump.
>"There you are, I've been looking for you forever!"
>She stops when she sees you, and furrows her brow at the foal.
>"Are you holding up traffic for affection again?"
>"...yes, mommy."
>She apologizes on her kid's behalf, and carries them off like a kitten.
>You're going to be late for work now.
>Mrs. Harshwhinny is probably going to demand, like, 30 kisses for this.
 
_______________________________________________
 
>It was almost midnight, but you haven't slept a wink.
>Twilight's fever was still running high, and you weren't going to bed until you know she's asleep.
>"*sniff* -Nurse Redheart said it's just a cold. I'm going to be just fine, Anon."
>She coughs into her hoof, and you gently pat her back.
"I know, but I wouldn't be able to sleep anyway knowing your in the next room suffering."
>She groans and rolls her eyes.
>"You're taking this too seriously, Anon. This isn't my first cold."
>While she takes a sip of water, you happen to notice her beginning to shiver.
"Getting chills?"
>"Yeah, a little. Don't worry about me, Anon, just go back to-"
>You interrupt by lifting her into your lap and pulling a blanket around you, snuggling her against you.
>"Guh...*sniff* -this isn't gonna do much to help my fever, Anon."
"It probably isn't going to hurt much, either."
>Ponies' body temperatures were always a degree or two higher than yours, Twilight was like a fuzzy little furnace in your arms.
>Her intense warmth soaked into you as you felt her body wracked by tiny tremors.
>She sits silently in your embrace, before sighing and pushing herself into you and closing her eyes.
>"If you- *sniff* -get sick, it's your fault, Anon."
"I'm not compatible with your germs, Twilight."
>"Yeah, yeah. Whatever."
>You slowly stand up and start carrying her to bed.
"Besides, I'm sure if I get sick, I'll get all the Twilight cuddles I could want until I was better, right?"
>She playfully bats at you with her hoof until a small cough interrupts her before she could speak.
>You plant a kiss next to her horn before backing into her bedroom.
>Twilight buries herself into you to fight back the chills while you lay back onto the bed with her.
>You pull the covers over the two of you and turn off the lamp, cloaking the room in darkness.
>"Thanks, Anon. You didn't have to do this."
"What are friends for?"
 
__________________________________________
 
>When you came here, Fluttershy decided that you needed a pet to help you through the adjustment process.
>When none of the ones she had available piqued your interest, her solution was...
>...strange.
>You awkwardly walk enter your home, making sure to leave the door open for your...pet...
"Um, come on in...Rosy..."
>Roseluck happily trots through the doorway, the tags on her collar jingling with each step.
>She gives your house a quick glanceover before smiling up to you.
>"This is a real nice place you got, Master!"
>Master.
>You felt weird every time she said it.
>When Fluttershy said that you needed a pony companion, you expected to get a roommate.
>The "Pet Auditions" were surprising, but nowhere near as surprising as the massive turnout.
>It seemed half the town wanted to be your pet.
>You tried to get out of it, but Fluttershy would have none of it.
>Walking home with a collared pony drew a lot of attention, but it was envy rather than the condemnation you expected.
>You had refused to use the leash Fluttershy had provided, even when a ponice officer wrote you a ticket for it.
>"Are you okay, Master? You look distracted."
>She quickly returns to your side and rubs her cheek against your hand.
"Are you sure this isn't some kind of weird fetish thing?"
>She slips her muzzle in-between your hand and thigh and pushes forward until your hand ends up behind her ear.
>"What's a fetish?"
>You sigh and scratch behind her ear.
"Nothing."
>You plop down on the sofa, and Roseluck hops onto the cushion next to you and drapes her neck across your lap.
>After a quick internal debate, you slowly begin running your fingers through her mane, eliciting a small moan from her.
>"See? Isn't this nice? You need to relax, Master."
>Petting her was indeed soothing, but a voice in the back of your head wouldn't let you forget you'd collared and tagged a sapient being.
"Listen, Roseluck-"
>"Rosy."
"...Rosy...I don't know if I can do this."
 
>Roseluck sits up in your lap and nuzzles into your neck.
>"Don't worry so much, Master. I would love nothing more than to be your pet."
>Your hand falls on her back, and you gently stroke her.
>Nothing ever seemed to make sense in this crazy place.
>Right now, however, you felt like you might be able to let go and immerse yourself in the snuggly absurdity of this colorful horse dimension.
>You suck in a breath and wrap your arms around her, burying your face in her mane.
>She giggles and hums as you close your eyes and let her warmth soak into you.
>"Hmm, thank you, Master~."
>Her calling you Master again almost shook you out of your reverie.
"...Do you have to call me Master, Rosy?"
>She kisses the end of your nose.
>"Of course, Master!"
>She giggles as you wipe the kissy mark off.
>She hops down and trots over to your bedroom door.
>"Can we lay down and snuggle, Master?"
>Her eyes quiver as she looks up to you eagerly. Her tail is wagging excitedly.
>"...please?"
>You find yourself at a crossroads.
>Snuggle your pet pony and submit to the madness, or refuse and break her adorable little heart.
>Not even a choice.
>You stand up and shrug.
"...Sure thing, Rosy."
>"Yes! Thank you, Master!"
>She hops in place excitedly before nuzzling your thigh and prancing into your room.
>'Tis another day in the life of Anonymous, sole human of Equestria.
 
__________________________________________
 
>Go into your bedroom.
>your mattress, sheets, blankets, and pillows have been replaced by dozens and dozens of Cadence plushies.
>A single large Shining Armor plushie sits atop the pile.
>"You know, to snuggle with!"
"Gimme my bed back, Cadence."
>"Not until you try this! Hop on in!"
>You sigh wearily as you climb atop the mound of plushies.
>It's surprisingly comfortable, but without a blanket it'd be impossible to sleep on it.
"There, I tried it. Bring my bed back now."
>As you start to get off the pile, Cadence's horn flickers with a pink spark.
>Suddenly you sink into the pile; it feels like some of the plushies moved out from beneath you.
"H-hey, what the-"
>You freeze when you realize the plushies are moving on their own, crawling over you to envelop your body.
>You can hear lots of excited little squees and happy noises as they cover you until only your face pokes out.
>You even hear a few say they love you.
>They begin to gently rub your body all over with their soft hooves.
>Some of them just wrap their forehooves around you and nuzzle whatever they can reach.
>You try to pry them off and climb out, causing them to cry out and beg you not to leave them; some even apologize and promise to hug you better.
>Their little grips are surprisingly strong. You give up after a short while and sink in, eliciting a chorus of cheerful hoorays.
"C-cadence, what the fuck is-"
>She's gone. Where the fuck did she-
>You notice a long pink horn moving through the plushies, like a shark fin through water.
>A warm weight settles on you as she climbs onto your chest and tucks her muzzle beneath her chin.
>She begins humming a soothing lullaby, and a chorus of soft voices from all around you join in.
>Your eyelids feel heavy. Right as you're about to slip into unconsciousness, you hear a soft voice speak out.
>"Sweet dreams, Anon."
>Damn you, lovehorse.
 
__________________________________________
 
>It's a beautiful day outside.
>Birds are singing, flowers are blooming...
>On days like this, you just want to enjoy nature.
>Alone.
>These ponies had been extraordinarily welcoming and accommodating, but they were a bit too touchy-feely for your taste.
>After finding a nice, secluded spot just outside of Ponyville, you lie down and close your eyes.
>For a few moments, everything is peaceful.
>You hear the sounds of hooves against the grass nearby, but you ignore it in the hope that they'll just pass you by.
>No such luck, however. They're getting closer.
>Before you can open your eyes and tell them to fuck off in the most polite way you can, a warm weight settles onto your chest and stomach.
>You do nothing for a few moments.
>They can't be serious with this shit.
>You open your eyes to discover that yes, there's a pony laying on top of you.
>She had a bright green coat paired with a red mane twisted into dreadlocks covered with a bandanna.
>Her eyes were closed, and her face was the absolute picture of serenity.
"...Can I help you?"
>After a long, awkward silence, she finally opens her purple eyes and speaks.
>"Are you sure it isn't you who needs help? You feel very lonely."
"What do you mean, I 'feel' lonely?"
>"You have a very lonely energy. I can feel that you don't appreciate the company of others very much."
"And yet here you are."
>She traces her forehoof along your neck and down your chest.
>"Despite that, your sexual energies flow so freely. So open, so free...I can feel the radiant warmth of your lustful aura."
"...What?"
>"Perhaps you would like if we shared our bodies?"
>Before you can respond, you feel something that you quickly realize is her undoing your pants with her back hooves.
>With amazing proficiency, too. By the time you stop her, she has the button undone and the zipper halfway down.
"C-cut that out!"
>After refastening your pants, you try to lift her off of you only for her to slip out of your grip.
 
>Her body is so entirely relaxed that every time you try to pick her up she just pours out of your hands.
"What the hell?"
>You go in for another attempt, but this time she deftly avoids your grasp and wraps her forelegs around your neck.
>Snuggling her muzzle beneath your chin, she begins to softly hum.
"W-what are you-"
>"I'm smoothing out the sharp peaks and the deep troughs in your aura into a nice, smooth wave."
>You feel indescribably strange, as if her voice is somehow physically effecting your body.
>She lowers the pitch, and your limbs feel like they're made of lead.
>She raises the pitch, and you wrap your arms around her to avoid floating away.
>After reaching a happy medium, she opens her mouth and begins...
>...doing something. Singing? She's making weird horse noises.
>Beautiful weird horse noises.
>You feel as if you're in a trance.
>"Yes, that's it...just let go of your negative vibes."
>Looking down, you realize that at some point you've started petting her.
>You stare up at the clouds with a dull smile and half-lidded eyes as she continues her blissful auditory assault.
>Your eyelids droop even lower as her voice begins to carry you ever closer to sleep.
>At some point, she stops singing and snuggles into your arms to sleep as well.
>"I'll be with you in your dreams, gentle stranger. I'll be there to help soothe your aching soul."
>Burying your face into her herbal-scented mane, you hold her tight as sleep begins to take you.
>One thought dominates your mind, though:
>This hippy bitch better not steal your wallet while you're asleep.
 
__________________________________________
 
>After another long day, you're finally about to feel the sweet embrace of sleep.
>As you lay in the dark feeling your eyelids grow heavy, a brilliant flash of light practically blinds you.
>Princess Celestia is standing next to your bed.
>Beautiful. Majestic.
>...Incredibly tired looking.
>You sit up to respond to the Horse Princess, but she forces you back down with her magic.
>She wordlessly crawls under the blanket with you and wraps her limbs around your body.
>Grabbing your face with her hoof, she points your face at hers and stares deeply into your eyes before speaking in a serious tone.
>"Nopony will believe you."
>She nuzzles into your neck and wraps a wing around you as you try to figure out whether or not you're being raped.
 
__________________________________________
 
>"Read me a bedtime story, Anon?"
>She holds a rather hefty tome out, giving you her biggest puppy dog eyes.
"Aren't you a little old for bedtime stories?"
>"...pleeeeeease?"
>Her eyes shimmer in the dull light of the oil lamp as she pleads.
>How could you say no to that face?
"Alright, one story."
>"Yes! Thank you Da-uh, Anon!"
>Ponies seemed to be making that mistake a lot lately.
>Feels weird, man.
>And strangely wonderful, too.
>You feel the heft of the old leather-bound book in your hands and frown.
"Jeez, this thing looks ancient. Where'd you find it?"
>"At the bottom of the ocean."
"...What was a book like this doing-"
>The words catch in your throat as you open the book and lay eyes on its contents.
>The ancient runes held no obvious meaning to your conscious mind, but to your subconscious they held terrible splendor.
>Each line, dot, and dash told a thousand tales of kingdoms long dead, and the kingdoms that would rise from the ashes of this one.
>An unbroken history stretching back to the beginning of time, and perhaps further back still.
>Kings whose names you knew not how to pronounce with mere verbal utterings, and whose appearance was enough to drive you insane.
>The deepest parts of your mind became simultaneously saturated with terrible knowledge and made aware of an entire universe of unknown unknowns.
 
 
>You ran upstairs as soon as you heard the screaming.
>Anon was holding a book and shouting at the top of his lungs in a language you didn't understand, and Twilight was staring up at him from her bed.
"Twilight! What's going-"
>She brings the tip of her hoof to her lips and shushes you.
>"Quiet, Spike! This is my favorite part!"