Title:           Equestrians Human Spirit pt 2
Author:          notkickass222urmom
Pastebin link:   http://pastebin.com/CcUL3m8v
First Edit:      Thursday 9th of June 2016 07:40:28 AM CDT
Last Edit:       Thursday 9th of June 2016 07:40:28 AM CDT

>All I can hear was screaming and crying everywhere.
And they're from all the world's grammarians, who suffered a collective seizure after you typed out this sentence.
 
>All around me were shadows of beings running, and crying on the ground.
Probably because they have to be in this fanfic.
 
>It was adding confusion and fear into me.
You seem confused pretty much all the time, bimbo.
 
>I then heard an evil laugh, and saw something merge from the Shadows. It stared me down with purple eyes, and the very same evil smirk I saw from before.
A Chekhov's Gunman? In a shitfic? It's more likely than you think!
 
>I gasped and my eyes shot opened. I breathed heavily, having to experience such a nightmare and felt my head throbbing badly.
This is why you are bullied.
 
>I finally managed to calm myself after having to see such a nightmare, and I looked around and got a look of where I was. My new surrounding are not familiar to me at all. I didn’t understand why I ended up here.
It's because the author, i.e. you, wanted you here. Duh.
 
>I was in a lush, green forest
Fifty bucks, please.
>that I couldn’t recall ever being in before.
Maybe you can ask any of the thousands of other Human in Equestria sues for advice.
 
>Where the hell am I? Where did I go to, and more importantly, how did I get here? These questions plagued my mind.
That's because you're an unoriginal shit who thinks the Everfree Forest isn't a horse so beaten to death that you can boil it up and serve it as horse pudding.
 
>When I lifted myself up from the ground, I realized I still had my backpack and was holding my sword.
Good thing you brought them in advance! It's not like you knew this would happen or anything.
 
 
 
>"HEEEELP!" I heard the sound of a young boy screaming in the distance. I quickly ran as fast as I could to the source of the screaming.
You know, anyone with a brain would probably run *away* from a boy screaming in terror. But because you were also a young boy at some point, and the only thing you'd be screaming alone in a forest for was pleasure from being molested by your retarded grandpa, you probably think it's an orgy.
 
>However the task was harder than I would’ve liked, all of the various vegetation made it hard to locate the source of the scream.
Oh, boo hoo. Maybe your black crystal obsidian katana (lol) can clear up some of that shrubbery.
 
>Three wood-like wolves were circling a young boy...or pony...I think it was an anthro kind of pony.
Probably because the author doesn't want to go through the effort of figuring out how horse anatomy works, yet wants to stay somewhat pony-related for his readers' sakes.
 
>From my times as a child, I was a Sonic fan.
HA HA HA! Of course you were.
 
>Sonic was an anthro hedgehog. How else can you explain how he has fingers, feet, and can talk?
Author stupidity? That's a better explanation.
 
>He was a little young, probably around eight or nine years old.
Which would explain why you ran *toward* him then. That's how young you were when your grandpa took your virginity.
 
>He was wearing a red and white striped shirt and jeans.
Chris-Chan?
 
>As the beast closed in, the boy screamed and cowered in fear of it.
Kind of like what you probably did when Tom had that hammer to hit your dumb necklace.
 
>From that, something in my body and mind clicked, telling to...FIGHT!
That something is called author intrusion. There's no way this homosexual gay faggot has the balls to fight a wolf.
 
 
 
>Before I knew what I was doing
You never know what you're doing.
 
>I quickly got between the boy and the creatures and got into my battle stance.
Your battle stance being something you learned from Naruto or Dragonball Z.
 
>"You Bark breaths want to get to this boy, you gotta get through me!"
All they have to do is point you to the nearest gay bar and you'll be polishing anthro ponies' swords before you know it.
 
>I shouted with will and determination.
Two things that you never really had, or else you'd have actually achieved something in your real human world.
 
>As I stood in a defensive stance, my grandfathers words played through my mind yet again.
They were whispers of sweet nothings, which gave you a stiffy, which the wolves promptly sunk their teeth into and ripped out from your diseased groin. The whole world then let out a collective sigh of relief at the knowledge that you could no longer reproduce.
 
>The wood-wolf I had originally knocked down got up and snarled at me. It quickly leaped at me, but I did a horizontal slash, causing it to split apart with ease.
Oh, Dan's a lumberjack, and he's okay. He cries all night, and he faps all day!
 
>It was scared of me now that its fellow wolves were dead around it, and it retreated back into the forest.
Hopefully off to murder your waifu.
 
>With that plan being a failure the next thing I was concerned about was the boy.
Specifically, his plump, luscious anthro horse boo-tay.
 
>He looked up at me with a frightful expression and asked, "Who...who are you?"
I am Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way. Genderswapped, but no less girly. Nice to meet you.
 
>I gently smiled at him and answered, "Don't worry, you're safe with me. I promise I won't hurt you."
He says while pondering fifty different ways to tenderize his colon without his consent.
 
 
 
> could tell he was still a little unsure about me, probably because he never saw anything like me before and due to what he had just experienced.
Or maybe because you're not as subtle about your homoerotic intentions of rape as you think you are.
 
>He then asked me again, "You promise you won't hurt me?"
A five year old wouldn't be this naive. You know what? This brat deserves to be raped. Even if it is by a Gary Stu.
 
>"I promise with my life.
A life being something you never had.
>I answered him, "What's your name little guy?"
I have to know so I can look you up in the phone book. Y'know, so I can stalk you. See how caring and protective I am?
 
>He gulped a little, as if trying to gain some extra courage, and said, "P..Pipsqueak."
Oh. Pipsqueak. Never mind, then. He's probably came here to be raped in the first place.
 
>It was rather unusual that his name was Pipsqueak, but I had a hunch he was called that for a reason.
Mostly out of personal experience.
 
>"It's nice to meet you Pipsqueak. My name is Daniel Blaze."
Because 'blaze' totally wouldn't be a villain name in Equestria.
 
>He was starting to get more comfortable around me
Retard.
 
>"It's...good to meet you too Daniel."
Yeah, the hairless monkey with the completely alien name and the ridiculous black obsidian katana (lol) makes you more comfortable in his presence.
 
>I gave him a warm smile and said,
"Prepare your anus, sweet-cheeks. I'm going in dry."
 
>"You as well. Now, try to get some rest. I'll find the nearest town and try to find some help."
Yes, because as some asshat who just got warped in from another universe, you're far better equipped to find the nearest town than one of that universe's natives.
 
>He gave me a soft nod and nuzzled into my chest before falling asleep.
OH, GOD. HE'S GAY TOO.
 
 
 
>I couldn't help but smile while my heart exploded by how cute he was at that moment.
I really hope that means you got an infarction.
 
>Yeah, I have a soft spot when it comes to cute creatures.
Yes, one soft spot, and one hard spot. Clearly.
 
>I continued to walk through the forest until I came across a clearing. About fucking time.
You're in pony-world now. You can't swear anymore.
 
>As I started to walk out of the forest, the sun's ray's hit my eyes, causing me to shut them tightly from the sudden change in brightness.
A sensation I imagine you got used to in the human world.
 
>I opened them and looked at my surroundings with awe. It looked so peaceful, so green and very beautiful. It was an open field with a few patches of flowers here and there.
>It felt like this came out of a fantasy story book.
Well, those actually get published. Except the Maradonia Saga, which is self-published, and is almost as bad as this shitfic.
 
>As much as I wanted to enjoy more of the scenery, I still needed to find help for Pipsqueak and for myself.
Mostly for yourself. Just be honest.
 
>I began walking through the meadow towards it and eventually came across a sign.
A sign from God-Empress Faust, to use your black obsidian katana (lol) to commit sudoku?
 
>WELCOME TO PONYVILLE
Oh, shit, son. The human/anthro shipping is soon to begin!
 
>Ponyville? Elements of Harmony? This all sounds like it came out of a five year old girls book.
Wait, so the obvious brony self-insert doesn't know anything about My Little Pony? Probably so the idiot author can pile on more pointless exposition.
 
 
 
>I cautiously started walking past the sign and into the town.
And all the anthro-ponies promptly got out their torches and rope to lynch the alien invader. The end. I wish.
 
>I saw many ponies wearing different clothing, with different colored manes, tails, and some of them even had horns and wings.
Looks like alicorn OC's made it in this fic after all.
 
 
 
>The last thing I saw on them were different tattoos that each seemed to have on their arms.
Cutie marks are arm tattoos in this universe. Fucking what? If you put them on the flanks, author, you'd have made a perfectly valid excuse to make your waifu drop her pants without coming off as a creep (assuming you could maintain some level of composure, you autistic freak).
 
>I haven’t seen one human since I arrived here, but only because I just arrived to this town. Hopefully, I see my own species soon.
Why? Other humans hate you. At least with anthro-ponies, you can use your alien-ness as a scapegoat for your autism.
 
>As I entered the town to find a hospital or some other form of help, many of the ponies began eyeing me. Some were whispering to others, a few backing away from me, and some were even frightened of me.
Maybe your stupid red and black outfit and horrific body odor have something to do with it.
 
>Before I could open my mouth to ask for help, a rainbow blur hit me out of nowhere, making me drop Pipsqueak and collide with a wall of a nearby building.
And your lungs then collapsed against your broken ribcage, and you suffocated to death. Ponyville then celebrated good riddance to bad garbage.
 
>Holy mother of fuck that hurt! I groaned while I was getting up, feeling like a train had hit me. I had a few bruises on my arm from the impact, and it was hurting like hell, but nothing big.
Yes, a cyan pegasus colliding with Gary at Mach Two only gave him a few bruises. But they still hurt like hell because he's a little bitch, and a flamboyant queer.
 
>"Stay away from him you foul creature!" Shouted a tomboyish voice.
This is totally something that Rainbow Dash would say.
 
>I looked up and saw a cyan furred girl with wings, a rainbow mane and tail, wearing a white tank top, short blue jeans, and had rosy eyes.
Fifty bucks says the author got a stiffy writing this.
 
 
 
>I growled
like a true wolfkin
>and shouted at her, "Don't you know ramming into others is rude!? And I wasn't going to hurt him! I was looking for help!"
A likely story.
 
>She looked at me with surprise, but then said, "So you can talk. However, it's a likely story
Even the author knows how autistic that line was!
>to believe some foul creature like you to carry a hurt colt. You're gonna wish you never came here!"
This sperglord can't write dialogue for shit.
 
>She shouted back at me while cracking her knuckles. She sounded serious, and I knew what was going to happen now.
An author's saving throw?
 
>I guess I had no choice but to fight. I had the disadvantage, since she could fly and I couldn't giving her more maneuverability, however I had a weapon with me, but I didn't want to hurt her.
This is why you are bullied.
 
>I dropped my sword and back pack and got into my fighting stance.
She should thank you for giving her your weapon and all those supplies you conveniently carried with you before you got sent to anthro-pony-land.
 
>I looked up at the cyan girl and said, "Let's dance Skittles." Since she looked like the rainbow, I couldn't help but call her that. What, she has a rainbow mane for crying out loud?
The joke is bad enough, but he dedicates two whole sentences to explaining it. It's no wonder this guy has no friends.
 
>She growled at me and charged at high speeds with the use of her wings and punched me in the face with great force before I could pull up a block.
Which probably isn't that hard to do when you're more than likely a big fat tub of lard with hardly any muscle.
 
>She charged at me again and threw another punch, but being ready this time I managed to dodge the attack and return one of my own. *Smack*. She stumbled back a little, holding her nose in pain, as a little blood began to drip from it.
This guy doesn't know anything about adrenaline, does he? Of course not. He's never fought anything ever.
 
Also, the scene has a picture.
 
 
 
>She saw the blood and her gaze seemed to harden, she then quickly growled out, "Alright you wanna do this the hard way? WE'LL DO THIS THE HARD WAY!!!"
A callback to the show, seemingly to make up for the egregious lack of show-related material in the previous chapter. Too little, too late, author.
 
>more boring fight scene blah blah blah
>I raised my head and placed my hand on my chest where the punch had landed, but instead of feeling the bruise I realized my pendant was gone.
I think we know what this means...
https://youtu.be/t_mlyEtzax8?t=1m13s [Embed]
 
>*CRACK*...no...this can’t be happening...
>A cyan hoof came down and crushed my pendant.
Haha, sucks to be you.
 
>I rose up quickly, ignoring all the pain in my body and roared, "YOU BASTAAAAAARD!" You just made the biggest mistake of your life girl. No one and I mean NO one, breaks my pendant and gets away with it!
Our hero, everypony!
 
>I threw a powerful punch at her face that was just too fast for her, which caught her by surprise as she stumbled back from the hit.
I think this guy's tard rage is going to be a recurring Deus Ex Machina throughout this shitfic. I don't think I'll ever be proven wrong.
 
>But I had had enough of this, it was time for me to finish this. I jabbed my punches into the vulnerable spots of her body, such as the chest
Boob-punch.
>and arms.
He knows shit about anatomy if he thinks that's a weak spot.
 
>but certain nerves that would leave her paralyzed for a short time. I had studied these vary weak points with my grandfather when we had trained together.
I'm pretty sure girl anthro-pony buttholes shouldn't have the same "sweet spots" as male sperglord buttholes. But I wouldn't know.
 
>She gasped and collapsed on the ground, now paralyzed and unable to continue the fight.
Gary just beat up a girl. Our hero, everypony!
 
 
 
>Suddenly, a rope latched onto my hand and started pulling, "GAH! What the Hell!?"
Actually, you said "Oh, my~."
 
>I turned and saw five more ponies.
To save you a long, poorly written paragraph: it's the mane six.
 
>"Stay away from Rainbow ya Vermit!" The orange pony shouted in a old western voice, tugging a little on the rope in her grasp.
Is 'Vermit' the term they use in Equestria for Gary Stu OC's?
 
>I growled at her and started pulling back while I shouted, "Get the Fuck away from me!"
You just assaulted their friend, and you act like you're in the right. Fuck you, Gary. And not in the way you fantasize about constantly.
 
>Great, now I have to deal with these girls as well.
Considering how shit you are at writing action scenes, we're all saying the same thing.
 
>I quickly grabbed my sword with my free hand and threw the sheath off of it. I raised the blade in the air and sliced the rope in half. The rope cut easily and the orange girl stumbled back a little as all of her force that was pulling on the rope no longer had any tension.
Real rope isn't that feeble, Gary. You're using your Garu Stu author intrusion powers again.
 
>The lavender girl caught her and asked, "You okay Applejack?" So that's the name of the orange girl. And if I recall, the cyan girl is named Rainbow.
A real Inspector Gadget here, folks.
 
>"Ahm okay Twilight." Applejack said to the lavender girl. These girls have unusual names.
You're less concerned with the fact that they're anthro ponies and more concerned with their strange names. Your priorities are as screwed up in this world as they were in the human one.
 
 
 
>Twilight, if that's her name, looked back at me and shouted with a growl, "How dare you come to our town and cause havoc!"
Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Dash have nearly indistinguishable dialogue. Think about that for a moment.
 
>I quickly got my sword up and in front of me as I got into my battle stance. I then shouted, "Your pathetic
Our hero, everypony!
>friend attacked me first. I never meant any harm, until she pushed me off the edge!"
You need to get away from edges. Badly. She was doing you a favor.
 
>However, my words fell deaf to her ears, and was more pissed off.
Maybe the fact that you insulted her friend after you beat her up has something to do with it.
 
>She growled again and shot a lavender beam at me from her horn. I pulled up my sword in an attempt to block it, surprisingly
Not the word I'd use for it.
>my sword reflected the attack.
'Predictably' would be far more accurate.
 
>Twilight dodged to the side as her own beam flew back at her while Applejack charged at me, and threw me a powerful kick to the face. The impact cracked my nose, and caused it to bleed.
Haha.
 
>Dear GOD, this girl is stronger than Rainbow! I flew off my feet again and landed on the ground, with a bloody nose and the worst pain I’d ever felt for my face.
Probably because it's the only time a female ever touched you in the past ten years.
 
>I couldn't believe I was getting my ass handed to a bunch of girls!
If you fought a girl in the human world, she'd probably hand you your ass, too. Just FYI.
 
>I weakly got up from the ground and looked at the girls and growled.
Like a true wolfkin.
 
>I needed to get out of here before things got worse.
Coward.
 
>I quickly looked for my sword, which had ended up next to Rainbow. I already lost my pendant. I refuse to lose my grandfather’s sword.
Why not? Then maybe you could get something more useful. Like social skills.
 
 
 
>I ran up and grabbed my sword, but then, Rainbow grabbed my hand while getting up from the ground and said, "You won't beat me that easily!"
So you didn't even beat Dash before you picked a fight with her five friends? Ha ha fucking ha.
 
>I was stunned that she was already up on her feet, and she was no longer paralyzed.
According to your shitty pencil art, she has hooves instead of feet. Try to be consistent, please.
 
>How the hell did she recover so quickly!? That is so unbelievable.
Actually, recovering from your wimpy punches and kicks quickly is within any able-bodied humanoid's capabilities. What's unbelievable is that she needed to recover in the first place, but then again, that was your tard rage messing up the plot again.
 
>She flew into the air with me in tow and started spinning at high speeds, making me dizzy.
Oh, look, one of those spin-throw-things you see in every shonen anime ever.
 
>Using whatever strength I had left, I lifted myself off the ground and picked up my grandfather's sword and grabbed my bag.
Which just happened to be nearby when you landed.
 
>I weakly looked back at the girls and pointed a weary finger at them and shouted, "I'll remember this you fucking assholes!"
Then they all got into a fit of giggling (at your expense) and you threw a tantrum.
 
>I then ran out of the town as fast as I could in my current state, leaving my broken pendant behind. I couldn't believe I left it behind. It was all I had left of my mother. I felt anger, and sadness wash over me as I continued running and I finally ran back into the forest.
This guy makes Kylo Ren look like Mr. T.
 
>********************************************************************************************************
I think we can all agree that *this* is not how you do a scene break.
 
 
 
>We watched the creature run back into the everfree forest, where it belongs, but I still couldn't shake off what it was.
A timber wolf. A wolf made of timber. This is Twilight's POV, isn't it? She shouldn't be this thick.
 
>It was also intelligent, knew how to fight, and was strong.
PFFFF. Oh, Twilight. If only you knew how horribly wrong you were. Then again, you are being used by a retarded fanfic author as a mouthpiece to aggrandize a Gary Stu, so I can't really blame you.
 
>"Rainbow, you okay?" I asked her in worry.
Redundant dialogue tags are redundant.
 
>She looked up at me and smiled, "I'm alright Twilight.
As anyone with skin thicker than rice paper should be.
 
>I returned her smile
because it came broken and with a two-year warranty
>and shook my head. Always trying to act tough as usual.
Looks like Twilight also hates the basic literary rule of 'show, don't tell'.
 
>"Girls, have a look at this!" We turned and saw Rarity levitating what looked like to be some kind of pendant.
Why? She has hands. Is Rarity such a lazy bitch that she can't bend over and grab the pendant? It'd give the author a perfect opportunity for some anthro-Rara fanservice.
 
>"What is it?" Pinkie asked looking at the pendant.
>"I’m not entirely sure, but it appears to be a pendant of some sort." Rarity answered.
The mane six are retarded, too. No surprise there. An author with a Gary Stu and no brains can really make his Stu stand out by knocking all the other characters down a peg. Or two. Or so many that they start getting blunt force trauma to the head.
 
>a young male creature of some kind and a female creature of the same strange species next to him.
This is written in POV. Twilight is an amateur scientist. She should be better at making observations than this.
 
>The boy was smiling, and looked liked he was laughing while hugging the female creature.
Tragically, that was the last time a female of the same species would ever touch him willingly.
 
 
 
>"Who do you think this girl is?" Rarity asked.
The victim of a broken condom and anti-abortion laws.
 
>"Girls," I turned and saw Fluttershy carrying Pipsqueak, who was unconscious in her arms, "We have to take Pipsqueak to the hospital." Pipsqueak laid in her arms, still out cold, but still breathing.
How does Fluttershy know his name?
 
>We all got up and ran for the hospital, but my mind was still drifting around this strange new creature.
Oh. Oh, no. No, no, no! She's been infected with Sue-itis! If we let the infection spread, she'll become either extremely in love with, or incredibly hateful and envious of, the Stu. How long? How long does the infection have to spread to the rest of Equestria?
>300k words
...there is no hope.
 
>**********************************************************************************************************
Wanton cruelty to the asterisk button.
 
>We were all sitting in the waiting room, waiting for news about Pipsqueak.
Don't you have anything better to do than wait on a stranger?
 
>But my mind was still focused on something else. I needed to know more about this creature
All you need to know is he needs to be torched with a flamethrower. It'll save you a lot of heartache, and it'll save everyone a lot of time.
 
>All of us quickly got up and walked up to him, fearing the worst. "How is he?" I asked him.
>"Pipsqueak will be fine, other than being in a little bit of a shock, just a few scratches and bruises. He'll be up and about in the morning."
Of course. How in the world could Blaze McEdge not pull off a perfect rescue of a boy he doesn't know in a universe he doesn't know?
 
>We all walked up to him and smiled, surrounding his bed.
Genderswapped bukkake imminent.
 
>Pipsqueak opened his eyes slowly and looked up at us and said, "Wha..where am I?"
>"You're in the hospital.
Durr, really?
 
 
 
>"Where's Daniel?"
Hmm, so I just woke up from a brief coma and woke up in a hospital bed. What's the first thing I should ask about? My health? My parents? My parents' medical bills? No, I think this alien I just met in a strange forest is far more important than any of those.
 
>"Who's Daniel? All we know is a creature was carrying you and we drove his sorry butt out of ponyville." Rainbow said proudly.
Rainbow can't piece together this incredibly obvious thing. Even she shouldn't be this thick.
 
>I saw Pipsqueaks eyes widen before he asked, "Was he wearing black clothing, had black hair and blue eyes?"
If you look back to his description in the first chapter, the red is actually more prominent. Which makes it even worse.
 
>Rainbow simply answered, "Yep,
>"WHAT WERE YOU ALL THINKING!?" He shouted at us while sitting up more, making us step back in complete surprise.
...that the strange alien with the foul mouth, abrasive attitude, black obsidian katana (lol), and archetypal villain color scheme wasn't the best guy to be carrying around a damsel in distress?
 
>"Sugarcube, what are ya talkin ‘bout? We saved you from him."
>"GAH! No, you got it all wrong, he was trying to help me, AND he saved my life!"
Yeah, you're very welcome, Pipsqueak. You entitled little bitch.
 
>Me and the girls stood there wide eyed by what he told us, nothing but confusion in our minds. I then asked, "What do you mean?"
Twilight Sparkle, erudite top student of Celestia, herself, and future Princess, can't figure out basic phrases like 'trying to help' and 'saved my life'.
 
>Pipsqueak sighed and explained
Incoming exposition block
 
>"I was playing with my ball in the meadow outside of ponyville, but it rolled off into the everfree forest. I ran after it but then I got lost.
How cliché.
 
 
 
>Then three Timberwolves came out of the darkness and attacked me. I thought i was done for, but Daniel, the creature you all Chased away, saved me and he was bringing me to ponyville for help."
The paranoiac in me would guess that this was a deliberate setup by Daniel to gain Pipsqueak's trust so he can be groomed into a boy sex slave. The cynic me would guess that Daniel only could chase off the timberwolves because his horrible body odor was too offensive to these woodland creatures who depend on sniffing piss and shit daily to track their prey. But because I actually witnessed that spergfest first-hand, both the paranoiac and the cynic can agree that both the author and the Stu are too stupid to think that deeply into things.
 
>This creature, the very same that we drove off...was only looking for help and he saved Pipsqueaks life.
This is just something he told you secondhand. You are literally taking the word of a traumatized child as gospel truth. You're an idiot.
 
>"If ah remember, it was Rainbow that attacked the critter first." Applejack said looking at Rainbow.
And all of a sudden, the Stu has washed his hands of all responsibility without even trying, through the power of author favoritism.
 
>"Grrr, he saved my life and this is how you all repay him?
Yes, they brought you to the hospital and took time out of their day to see if you are alright, yet you're angry that they didn't bow down to Flamingo McCockwarmer and worship him as Equestria's new messiah. They should've let you lay there and rot, you ungrateful shit.
 
>He did make a good point.
Of course he did. He's Gary's top shill.
 
 
 
>After what we did, we owed him an apology for what we did to him.
Let's see. Gary:
-Kidnapped a child
-Let himself be seen in public in a horrific eyesore of an outfit
-Called Rainbow Dash pathetic after beating her up
-Damaged one of Applejack's lassos with his black obsidian katana (lel)
-Called all of you assholes after running away from you like a bitch.
You:
-Attacked an alien creature as a preemptive strike against a whiny red-and-black OC
-Defended your friend from him after he pummeled her to unconsciousness in a fit of tard rage
 
...wait. Sorry. I was wrong. You're completely in the wrong here. Go get him some free Mojitos at Ponyville's best gay bar. You owe him everything in the world because he exists.
 
>"He's right girls, we have to apologize to him. He didn't deserve this."
That's right. You horrible person-pony-thing. How dare you be concerned about a kidnapped child.
 
>I just hope this creature can forgive us for what we did.
Of course he will. He can't get his horse waifu if he holds a grudge. Well, he is a Gary Stu, so I suppose anything's possible.
 
>**********************************************************************************************************
If this fic had any more stars, it could compete with Hollywood.
 
>I was lucky that I was able to retrieve my sword, but I lost my mothers pendant.
And I'm guessing you're going to keep angsting about the stupid necklace, huh?
 
>I was still pissed at the girls that attacked me.
Yep. Should've bet fifty bucks on that.
 
>I didn't do anything wrong. I was only trying to find help for me and Pipsqueak, and yet they just attacked me like I was some kind wild animal that wanted to eat them. The way Rainbow attacked me, and the way she destroyed my pendant, everything around me just shattered. I felt truly alone...abandoned...and shattered.
Jesus Christ, get a grip. You don't have to present your case to us. The mane six are about to bend over backwards for you anyway.
 
 
 
>I continued to walk through the forest, feeling the cool air hit my face.
And longing for something warmer and stickier to do that, I bet.
 
>I didn't know what to do anymore.
Nothing. Just... nothing. The plot will fix all your problems.
 
>I don't have anything else, other than my grandfather's sword, my backpack, my Iphone, my laptop, and very little food and water.
Oh, you poor little thing.
 
>I had nowhere to go. I was on my own now.
Didn't you spend the vast majority of the first chapter on expository narration telling us this was your situation anyway?
 
>I was carrying Pipsqueak in my arms. Even though I didn't know him for a long time, he seemed like a good kid.
He seems really fond of Pipsqueak despite having barely met the brat. I'm starting to think the author identifies with him more than a little bit. Just a hunch.
 
>I took out my Iphone, and decided to listen to some soft music to calm myself.
Yes, feel sorry for this tortured soul who gets to have calming music everywhere he goes with his handheld music-playing device.
 
>I placed my earbuds in and played a soft song.
The word "song" links to this music video:
https://youtu.be/TtNHOEIDOSM [Embed]
Because nothing says "strong, tough, brooding, and badass" like some sappy musical number from Kingdom Hearts.
 
>The soft smooth beat of the piano, and the sound of a violine rose into my ears, soothing any of my stress or anger.
I'm pretty sure you could've gotten the same thing with a bottle of whiskey, but 70 proof is probably too hardcore for you.
 
>I shifted my head toward the valley, and saw something shining on the ground.
It's that tiny glimmer of hope that this fic will be good. And of course, it's not real.
 
>I stood up and grabbed my sword. I walked over to the source of light and started digging a little around it.
What an intelligent use for a highly valuable and rare black obsidian katana (lol).
 
 
 
>My eyes widened when I saw a large Ruby in the shape of a heart was in front of my eyes.
Lucky you. It's not like this is a world where gems and rubies can be dug up by the bucketload from three inches under a layer of soft sand or anything.
 
>Who would leave a ruby in the middle of a valley!?
A seemingly unselfish thought. But then...
>This was incredible! I'm freakin Rich Baby!
Our hero, everypony! He is not only too dumb to not know that rubies and gems are worth shit in this universe, but also too selfish to even consider taking this back to its former owner despite it apparently being so valuable.
And keep in mind that he has his dumb little sword that's also worthless but he thinks is extremely valuable. If he left that on the ground for someone else to pick up, he'd be branded as irredeemably evil for having this exact same thought process. I guarantee it.
 
>….But...as much as I wanted to keep this ruby to make some easy money, this gem might belong to someone. My mother once taught me to never take valuable items and to always return them to their owners.
Nope. It's too late. We already saw your true colors, Gary. Blame your author for not editing that part out in a second draft.
 
>I laid down on the soft grass and my face was met with a lizard face.
Which was ripped off a lizard's head by whoever laid that gem there, so he could throw it at the idiot dumb enough to take the bait.
 
>I stood there wide eyed. The lizard went wide eyed as well. The two of us stood silent for a second, until I broke the dam.
I'm pretty sure the dam is public property. You should be in federal prison. But with all the swords you'd get to polish and let penetrate you in there, you'd probably prefer it there anyway.
 
>"AAAAAAAAAHH!" I screamed as I shot up from the ground and ran behind a boulder not too far from me.
He gets spooked by lizards. And we're supposed to accept him as a brave and strong man who can take on timber wolves. What.
 
 
 
>I placed my hand over my heart, feeling it beat rapidly by the sudden surprise of the face of the lizard. I didn't know what to do now.
First of all, stop holding your hand on your shoulder like you're saying the Pledge of Allegiance. You're probably about as patriotic as a Bernie Sanders supporter.
 
>Suddenly, I heard the sound of a teenager boy from behind the boulder.
It's yourself from five years past, begging you to stop writing horrible fanfiction and go hit the gym.
 
>"Hello? Hey, you don't need to be scared of me. I'm not gonna hurt you." His voice calmed me a little, but I was still freaking out like hell.
Over a lizard.
 
>The lizard I saw was pretty big.
Show, don't tell.
 
>Around as high as up to my abdomen.
You're a five foot even manlet. Half of that is not big.
 
>He had green, dagger eyes, had purple scales, a tail, green spines from his back, and blah blah blah
It's Spike.
 
>He was wearing a green T-shirt, a purple sweatshirt, and short jeans.
This is the second creature we've seen here in short jeans.
 
>He looked like to be around thirteen or fourteen in my mind.
Because you're a gay pedophile. That's why. Don't try to hide it; we already know about your perverse lust for Pipsqueak.
 
>He smiled again and said, "There. Now I can see you. My name is Spike. What's yours?"
Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way. Like the original, except I'm too much of a pussy to cut myself. Nice to meet you.
 
>I was finally able to swallow and greeted, "D..Daniel. Daniel Blaze."
Stammering is the mark of a true badass.
 
>"Sweet name.
Can not one character here not felliate him without being irredeemably evil or immediately regretting it soon after?
 
>It's good to meet you Daniel. Are you new around here?" He asked.
Yes, ask the alien creature if he's knew to Ponyville.
 
>"I guess you can say that." I replied dryly, not wanting to remember my warm welcome to this crazy world.
They would've been nice to you if you could actually function normally in society.
 
 
 
>"Cool. By the way, i've never seen anypony like you before. Are you some kind of furless pony?" Spike asked when he was circling me.
This sort of stupidity is actually in-character for Spike, but since everyone else is this stupid too, I guess we can chalk it down to a broken clock being right twice a day.
 
>Did he call me a furless pony? I guess this is his first time seeing a human. Probably.
Naww, you think so?
 
>"No, I'm not a furless pony. I'm known as a human."
I don't think even other humans would call you human, Gary. More likely sub-human. That'd explain why you had nobody who cared about you except for your incestuous child-molesting grandpa.
 
>He then asked shockingly, "You're really a human!?"
>I arched a brow by his sudden outburst. He knows about my race? I then answered, "Yeah, I'm a homosapien, or human in your words."
I'm surprised he didn't emphasize the "homo".
 
>"I don't believe this. Humans are supposed to be a ponytail." Spike responded with his shocked face still glued to his head.
As opposed to his happy face, his sad face, and his war face, all of which he keeps in hammerspace along with his stash of face-glue.
 
>Spike said, "Well, a pony named Lyra Heartstrings has been studying about humans ever since she was filly We all didn't believe humans existed, because we thought they were made up. Not real."
Nothing needs to be said.
 
>He's saying that humans don't exist in this world and are just some made up creature, but now it has one...me.
Aren't you so special?
 
>First talking anthro ponies, now dragons!? What's next, a Hydra!?
Babby's first foreshadowing.
 
>"Dude, you okay? You look pale."
Of course he looks pale. For most of his life, he hardly ever left the house.
 
>I snapped back into reality
, which I should've done a long time ago,
>and looked at Spike. I then said, "Y-yeah. I'm fine.
Is anything interesting going to happen here? I'm running out of ideas for jokes.
 
 
 
>"Dragons don't exist where you're from?" Spike asked.
>I shook my head and answered, "No, not really. Dragon's from my world are supposed to be just legends, made up majestic creatures. Even though they're not real, many of my people
"And by that, I mean myself."
>look up to them, and see them as legendary, powerful creatures."
The author is a Spikefag. Explains a lot.
 
>"Wow. That's cool." Spike said, "You mentioned you got sent here because of some light?"
>"Yeah. I was walking along a beach one night and I was then engulfed in light, tearing me away from my home." I didn't want to go too far to tell him that Tom and his friends were chasing me, because I didn't like talking about it.
But you did like fapping to it at night. Admit it.
 
>"Woah, dude, I'm so sorry to hear that." Spike said feeling bad about me.
Whereas a normal person/pony/dragon would've... you know, this is stupid. This whole riff is stupid. Why am I even doing this? There's nothing new to poke fun at. The joke got stale way too long ago. This is just an endless puree of your average, typical Mary Sue shitfic. I'm done. Fucking done. Fuck this fic, fuck this fic's author, and fuck this thread. I wasted far too much time on it already.