Title:           LtD 16-28
Author:          notkickass222urmom
Pastebin link:   http://pastebin.com/NjHD2gs6
First Edit:      Monday 31st of March 2014 02:38:13 PM CDT
Last Edit:       Monday 31st of March 2014 02:38:13 PM CDT

>>Chapter 16 - Part 3
…
> She smiled, "Yes, but Princess Celestia told me to take you instead. But I don't know why."
I know why. It involves another romantic subplot. I mean, Iron Clad already has a crush on Luna since he arrived. Her destiny is already sealed.
…
> I sat up quickly. What is that on my face?
I’d like to day shame, but we both know that you’ll never reach such complex emotions.
…
> I looked over to the mirror beside the couch. I began to laugh at what I saw.
You are strong, I’ll give you that. I haven’t been able to stop screaming since I read about you.
…
> A clowns mask had been painted on my face. Who did this? It kinda creeps my out, but its also funny.
I can’t help but see a mix between Girokon and Pennywise
…
>'Hope you like clowns. Love your official prankster,
You have to love your prankster, he feeds on love. Oh, God are we gonna get changeling OC’s next?
…
> Purple Blaze a.k.a Peter.'
Peter is your real name; your alias would be Purple Blaze
…
> My dog jumped up and ran over to me. "There you are. I thought I lost you last night. Decided to come back I see."
If you care so little about your dog, why would you use that as an analogy for your parenting skills? I know it seems like I’m beating a dead horse here, but it just baffles me how incompetent this guy is. And of course he’s gonna turn out to be an amazing parent nonetheless.
…
> I looked at him confused, "Can you understand me?" He nodded again.
Apparently Louie’s genes created a mentally advanced species of dogs.
…
>"Well I'll be damned. That must be why Greg keeps talking to his dog."
I’m sure there are other reasons as to why that happens.
…
> I haven't even named him yet. What should I name him? "What can you do?"
I’m sure it will be a meaningful, not at all random name.
 
 
 
 
>>Chapter 16 - Part 4
…
> He smiled, and walked over to a book I had left out, 'Medieval Equestria.' And opened it. He began to read through it.
The literacy rate among dogs is higher than most African countries.
…
> Damn dog is just like me in every way it looks like.
Don’t say that, I’m pretty sure that counts as animal cruelty.
…
> I looked the notebook over, insistently seeing that it was mine, the one I use to write down details about my favorite war, World War Two.
Hey, grandpa. This is why you got your legs blown off in Poland.
…
> I looked over and smiled, "So, you want your name to be Winston Churchill?"
Why would you do such a thing? How is the dog’s stance in World War II politics gonna be relevant to the story?
…
>"Oh no. That is not for reading. Its my journal of every thing me and Twilight have done together."
Hey, go figure. There’s a piece of literature even worse than this one.
…
> I laughed. He was going to see a few things in there that he would wish he had never seen.
Better you than me, Churchill.
…
> David laughed to himself, "Oh nothing. Just teaching my dog to play the drums."
Didn’t he already know how to play the drums?
…
> I smiled, "Really? Whats his name?" "Leonardo." "Nice name. Like Leonardo DiCaprio." David laughed, "No, like Leonardo da Vinci."
This is high class humour, right here.
…
> I walked over and patted his head, "Good thing you can't talk or write. Or I would be screwed." As I headed for the stairs, something strange happened. "That's what you think."
The Dog talked. I am dead serious. The dog talked.
…
> He looked up at me, "What is strange? Me talking or your stupidity at not knowing it?"
Finally someone tells it like it is. I fear it won’t last.
…
>"Wake up Lance."
God damn it. It was a dream? Wait. Does that mean that Lance’s subconscious called him stupid?
 
 
 
>>Chapter 16 - Part 5
…
>"When I slammed the door. Your head was in the way. I came out to see you passed out on the floor. I'm so sorry dude."
You mean in the way of the door closing? Did you smash his head? How the hell did you not notice that?
…
> I waved him off, a smile on my face, "Don't worry about it dude, I've had worse."
You are the most forgiving being in existence.
…
> He grinned, "Yes you have."
For example, this fanfic!
…
>"Its okay, I'll live."
Much to our chagrin
…
> I looked over at him, "You can't talk right?" He looked at me strangely and shook his head.
“Nah, I can only understand what you speak and also read.”
…
> I rolled over and put a pillow over my head.
Try keeping it there.
 
 
 
>> Chapter 17 - Part 1
…
> He glanced over at the Princess, his heart jumped a beat when he looked at her,
And that’s enough characterization for today, Iron Clad.
…
>"So Princess, why are we here?"
Why indeed?
…
> She looked down at him, a smile on her face, "Celestia wanted me to let you meet somepony."
“Seeing as you’re the first one to come here, and we’ve been aware of your existence for a long time, it makes sense that we’re only introducing you now.”
…
> She put her hoof on his shoulder, which sent a wave of nausea over him
His love for Luna is so strong it’s making him physically ill.
…
>"I'll take you to him. But don't be put off by his appearance."
So he turned down you rape attempt, so you consider him off-putting? I don’t really blame you.
…
>"Isn't this the towns library Princess?" Frederic asked in confusion.
So that’s the plan the writers have for Twilight. Celestia is the Day Princess, Luna is the Night Princess, Twilight is the Library Princess.
…
>"Why are we going there then?" She smiled and kept walking in silence.
Well, she said she was gonna introduce you to ‘him’, so I assumed she was gonna introduced him to Lance. But they’re at Twi—Oh, I get it, he finally got around visiting her.
And by visiting I mean having sex.
…
> Frederic shrugged, "The Princess wants me to meet somepony." Twilight looked at him, "Who?" Princess Luna walked up and smiled, "Lance." Twilight smiled and nodded, "Oh Lance. Your in luck, hes upstairs in my room asleep."
 
C-called it…
…
> Twilight nodded, "He works at the Cafe down the street."
He doesn’t go too often, and he has to commute from Canterlot. He still makes enough money to live lasciviously.
…
> Princess Luna walked up the stairs, "I'll go wake him."
I’m totally over that rapey incident!
…
>"Why do they want you to meet him?" Frederic shrugged, "I have no idea."
The writer remembered that he needed something resembling a plot.
 
 
 
>> Chapter 17 - Part 2
…
> Giro looked at him strangely, "Five years? But the bronies only came here over two months ago. How could you be here five years?"
Wait… If the world “ended” in 2012, that means Fred here was murdered in 2007. The show didn’t exist back then. Lauren wasn’t involved in this until late ’08 – early ’09. And Equestria didn’t exist in previous generations. What the hell?
…
>"Well, the rapture happened and people got a choice also. Guess others got the same choice too."
So… God told him about this mystical land of magic ponies that would be created a few years from then, and Fred was so compelled by this that he decided to be sent here? Did he just make God a brony?
…
>"All Celestia said was to take you to him and let you two meet." She put a hoof on his shoulder, causing him to blush, "I think she just wants you two to get to know each other."
She’s doing her best to keep you all confined.
…
> Lance lowered his voice, so only Frederic could hear him, "You like Luna don't you?"
This may be a good moment to tell you about her rapey tendencies.
…
> I think I can get you two together."
I think all the Twifags have already commited suicide, so he’s going for Lunafags now.
…
>"How could you get us together?"
My word is truth. My will is law. I am Girokon, the OC. Destroyer of fics.
…
>"Go for it. What could I lose."
Your position in the guard, your years of service, your friendship with the Princesses.
…
> Lance smiled, "Alright then."
Your fate has been sealed.
…
>"Princess, could you do something for me?" He asked in a loud but pleasant voice.
Because when you think of pleasant things, the first thing in your mind is “loudness”.
…
>"Anything Lance." "Could you take Frederic out on a romantic date?"
Subtlety. He knows about it.
...
>"I would be delighted too.
THE ONE TIME YOU DON’T HAVE TO USE TOO, YOU GO AND—I hate you.
 
 
 
>> Chapter 17 - Part 3
…
> I've been thinking about doing something like this for a while now."
Of course you do Luna, you’re as desperate as everyone else in this fic.
…
> He slumped to the floor and passed out.
Prime-time dating material
…
> Twilight looked at Lance, "Please explain Lance, I don't understand why he passed out at something like that?"
“Normally, I’d know this kind of thing in the show, but this bizarro universe has nullified my entire character.”
…
> Lance turned to face her and smiled, "Its called true love. I take it he is deeply in love with Luna."
Either that or has had a heart attack. He was feeling nauseous not too long ago.
…
> A warm smile played across her face, "That's so.... Sweet. I've never had anypony do this to me."
“I am a repressed mare who hasn’t explored her sexuality nor had a relationship in her thousands years of life.” Woah, I was right about this being a 50’s fantasy.
…
> Lance walked over and patted her back, "Well, you have one now. Treat him well, I can already tell he's waited a long time for you to accept him."
So, no rape; do you hear me, Luna?
…
> Lance Smiled, "No problem Princess. Happy to set up couples."
Is this what the author think he’s doing? Are people coming to him and asking him to be shipped with ponies? Because if that’s the case…
…
> Louie walked out of the barn and yawned. He looked back into the barn to see Winona and his pup still asleep. He smiled, life was good for a brony dog.
…I don’t think I want to meet Louie
…
> Cody Benson opened his eyes.
Oh, right. Gritty McEdgerson. He exists
…
> He tried to sit up, but something bound him to the bed.
Because if this fic needed one thing, it was bondage.
…
>"Your not going bud."
With all the ´ponies being paired, the one that hurts me the most is the constant rape of grammar.
 
 
 
>>Chapter 17 - Part 4
...
> The Guard didn't blink, "Your receiving medical care. But after this, your heading straight to the Royal Dungeon." "Why?!"
I can’t think of anything I’ve done that could have negative consequences that would somehow affect me.
…
>"What ever you say. Your still going to the dungeon."
You’re not going to get a fair trial if that’s what you were wondering.
…
> He closed his eyes tightly. Lance was still alive, and there was nothing he could do to change that now.
Sadly, or thankfully, I’m sure you’ll find a way out and go for Lance again.
…
> Unless. "Hey, could you give me some water." The Guard sighted and left the room.
Hey, the guy’s asking to be waterboarded, take the chance.
…
> Cody quickly moved his hoofs around, slowly working at the straps. Which wasn't as secure as they could have been. Slowly, they began to give.
“Goddamnit, Carl! I told you not to tie the prisoner with yarn.”
…
> Soon, he had them all off. He placed them over his body and limps again
His fight with Lance and Greg was so intense it gave him a limp.
…
> The Guard returned with a tray, a glass filled with water on it.
Surely he won’t notice the straps he put back on, but he should at least see the one that snapped open.
 
 
 
>>Chapter 17 - Part 4
…
> Cody held the small object he had picked up off the table next to his bed, a scalpel. He laughed, a devilish laugh, and plunged the scalpel into an unarmored piece of skin.
This will prove I’m innocent!
…
> Cody pulled out the scalpel and laughed again. He plunged the small scalpel into the Guards right eye.
Now they’ll realise I’m a perfect example of mental integrity.
…
> He charged at the Guard and slammed his hoof into the scalpel, pushing it all the way into the Guard's eye and into his brain.
Gee, I hope they only had one guard taking care of me, otherwise I’ll be dead in minutes.
…
> Cody turned to the window and smiled.
Won’t somebody notice if you get out of a window of the Castle? I mean, there will most certainly be more guards patrolling outside.
…
>"Your next Lance Greenfield!"
You’re really shaping up to be the next one.
 
 
 
>>Chapter 18 - Part 1
…
> WARNING: BLOOD AND VIOLENCE IN THIS CHAPTER
We had to witness Lance’s life in Ponyville; at this point, gore won’t make us flinch.
…
> MULTIPLE PONIES DIEING IN A BLOODY FASHION.
And yet I don’t think Lance won’t be one of those.
…
> YOUNGER READERS BEWARE!
If any young person was reading this, they lost their innocence around the time Twilight gave Lance a wet sloppy kiss.
…
> Captain Barehoof was the leader of the Princess's Royal Guard.
Equestria has abandoned the traditional military ranking system and now only has “leaders”.
…
> He was a white Pegasus
Check your privilege.
…
> and being the commander of the Guard, wore a special suit of armor.
Obviously.
…
> His armor was bright blue with a golden strip going along the side. The helmet had a red star on the front
Wait. Blue and red star… Leader… Is he North Korean? Holy shit. Kim Jong-un also went to Equestria?
…
> He looked over to his second in command, Lieutenant Brink. He was a grayish unicorn
Moving on.
…
> the same kind of suit as Barehoof, but without the golden streak and star.
So… Not the same?
…
> Captain Barehoof walked over to him, a blank stare on his face,
And he’s back to being a captain. Wait, where’s Shining Armor?
…
> "Do we know who did this?"
We should put more than a single guard next time there’s a dangerous prisoner in custody, that way there’d be more witnesses. And it’d be harder for the prisoner to escape, that too.
…
> "Maybe sir. This room belonged to a Pegasus named Cody Benson."
He is the only other person that was here, and now he’s gone. But he just may be a suspect, I don’t know.
…
>"And why would we suspect him?"
It’s not like he has a motive to escape nor has showed violent tendencies before, right?
…
>"Cody is wanted on the account of assault on two Canterlot citizens. This leads us to believe he is the one responsible for this."
Sherlock Holmes has nothing on these guys.
 
 
 
>>Chapter 18 - Part 2
…
> On the wall, written in blood, was the words, 'Your next Lance!'
And these are the ponies in charge of the army.
…
>"Tell me, do you know what this means? As in, who is Lance and why he's next?"
You don’t want to know, trust me.
…
>"We do sir, thanks to Princess Celestia.
Great, you’re starting to do intelligent stuff, I suppose tha--
…
> He is the one this Cody Benson is after."
WELL DON’T YOU FUCKING SAY.
…
> Captain Barehoof turned to the Lieutenant, "Relay a message to the Princess, tell her we need to know what to do next."
I can’t believe there’s someone even less competent at their jobs than Lance.
…
> I looked at Twilight, who was reading a book. "What'ca reading Twilight?"
Twilight is doing something in-character? What is this madness?
…
> Twilight looked up at me and smiled, "Oh nothing, just a book about parenting." I chucked, "Again? That's the fifth time this week."
At least she’s preparing herself for the birth of your demonspawn.
…
> I turned to Frederic, who was off in dream land. "And what are you doing?"
He’s still there?
…
>"Just thinking about my date last night with the Princess." He said while smiling to him self. "How was it?"
Oh, boy. Here comes the horror, brace yourselves for the graphic tale of –
…
>"Great! We ate, talked, and best of all, sat on the side of the hill outside of town and watched the moon rise and fall."
Huh, go figure. Fred is not a dimwitted prick.
…
>"Doing what?" "Talking, laughing, that sort of stuff." I shrugged, "Sounds kinda fun."
Well, I’m sorry that Frederic doesn’t have the need to tarnish the name of a mare, unlike some people. Jesus, Lance. You make Flash Sentry seem like an ok guy.
…
> I was surprised to see a armored Pegasus and Unicorn standing there. Both Royal Guards but wore the symbols of high ranking members.
Which I clearly recognise despite not having contact with the military.
 
 
 
>>Chapter 18 - Part 3
…
> Damn, what did I do? No, better question is, what has Greg done.
You leave him out of this.
…
>"The Pegasus Cody Benson as killed a Royal Guard while escaping his hospital room. He wrote the words, 'Your next Lance.' In the Royal Guards blood on the wall."
He’ll be part of the new government program “Grammar for Idiots”.
…
> I looked past him to see at least ten Royal Guards standing in two lines. "We are just here to Protect you while a bigger force searches for Cody."
You see, we could have used these guards to keep Cody restrained while in captivity instead of using just one guy, but this way is more dramatic.
…
> Isn't this place safe enough?" He shook his head, "No. This is likely the first place Cody will look for Lance."
Rather than, you know, his house.
…
> Twilight put a hoof to her chin, "Well, there is no place outside of Ponyville that would be safe
What about the castle? Y’know. With the Princesses, and the lots of guards.
…
> but there is a place in Ponyville that would be just as safe."
Where? Your basement? Where else could he be protected than with the most powerful uni--
…
>"The school house. There's no classes going on,
Of course. What other possible place could be safer than the freaking school?
…
>"Yes, plenty of rooms.
You mean the single classroom?
…
> I looked at Frederic, "Come on lover boy, lets go to school." Frederic looked at me and laughed, "I thought I was out of school when I turned twenty?"
Frederic. Just when I was starting to like you.
 
 
 
>>Chapter 18 - Part 4
…
> Cody sat watching the library and the Royal Guards outside.
There’re a dozen guards outside of the Library. Why isn’t any of them scouting the perimeter just in case?
…
> They talked for a few minutes, then all of them, even the Guards, left the library and started walking down the street. Cody smirked, perfect.
How is that perfect? He’s now surrounded by trained guards.
…
> Night would be here soon, and when night begins, the killing begins.
You see, on one hand I hate you; but on the other, I hate Lance more. Can you kill each other simultaneously?
…
> Cody smirked evilly as he looked down at the two weapons he had. A Royal Guard sword, very few of those, and a small cooking knife.
Wouldn’t Royal Guard swords be very common given that there’re hundreds, if not thousands, of them?
 
 
 
>>Chapter 18 - Part 5
…
> He had put six Royal Guards out side, in groups of two, to patrol the grounds. There's one in the tower, one by the door to this room and two walking around the rest of the school, keeping guard of each room.
Huh, that’s not such a bad idea, Barehoof, I look forward to see it hilariously backfire.
…
> He had all his Guards armed with the standard issue curved swords. The sklash's as they were called by the Guard.
I don’t know if I should congratulate him on creating his own type of sword instead of just using an existing kind, or slapping him for making such a horrible name.
…
> We may be here all night. Is that okay with all of you?" Lance looked up from a book he was reading and smirked, "Oh yeah, I could stay here all night."
“Well, we could just go back to Canterlot, and leave you without protection from the homicidal maniac, you ungrateful whelp.”
…
> Lieutenant Brink sighed. Why did they have to stay here, of all places? He would rather be back home, with his beautiful wife and filly.
Oh, I’m sure you’ll see them again, Brink.
…
> Tomorrow was his daughters ninth birthday, and he couldn't miss that.
Eeyup. Everything’s going to be all right.
…
> If he did, she would be devastated.
We get it! He’s gonna die. Lance is going to kill him. He’s gonna die a horrible death that will devastate his family.
…
Brink spends two more paragraphs talking about how much he loves his family, and drawing a target on his head.
…
> A loud knocking sound came from outside the room. At the front door that lead outside.
These two sentences are redundant, they repeat the meaning of the other. Only one sentence should be used, because both say the same.
…
>"Lieutenant, go see what it is. Probably one of the patrols."
“Probably, never mind that we’re on the watch for a dangerous psychopath. It’s probably just one of the guards.”
 
 
 
>>Chapter 18 - Part 5
…
> As he neared the door that lead out side, he started to sense something. Something felt off.
It’s the edginess. I can feel it slicing through the air
…
> When he opened the door, he jumped back in horror and let out a small yell. Because, right outside the door was the six Royal Guards, all missing their heads.
Ok, let’s back up.
So, after Cody attacked the first guard, his partner: a)didn’t react at all, b)Cody was fast enough to kill him without noticing, c)killed both at the same time, or d)They didn’t want to be a part of this horrible fanfic any longer and willfully let Cody killed them.
And then he did the same with the other two groups.
And the one guard at the tower, otherwise he would have alarmed the rest.
And where the hell are the other guards? Celestia sent at least ten besides Brink and Barehoof
…
> He shook his head and pulled the door shut.
I had the same reaction, Brink.
…
>"Captain!" He yelled as he ran back to the room where everypony was. "Captain, their all dead! All dead!"
“Except for the other guards, but fuck those guys.”
…
> The Captain walked over to him and shook his shoulders, "Get a hold of yourself!"
Ignore the fact that your comrades are dead!
…
>"I know Lieutenant, none of us have. This is all new to us."
Then what right do you have to tell him to get ahold of himself? Panic, Brink! Panic!
…
>"Dead? That can't be. Who can take on six Royal Guards, all armed with weapons I made, and live?!"
It’s not your fault, Fred, for the guards may wield your weapon, but Cody is in possession of the mightiest of them all. Plot convenience.
 
 
 
>>Chapter 18 - Part 6
…
> Frederic nodded and his horn glowed. A bright light surround his body and burst outward.
And this is the point in which Living the Dream becomes Dragon Ball.
…
> When the light faded, he stood there, completely different. A steel colored suit of armor covered his body, his full body, not like the Royal Guards armor that only covered some. There was also two swords by his sides.
But somehow even dumber!
…
> each one of the sheaths had the name 'Sanger' and 'Yolosh' carved into them.
Ok, Sanger I can get. Anger. Blegh, blegh, blegh.
Yolosh, I don’t even want to begin to talk about.
…
> It was strange why he would name his swords, but nopony asked questions.
The wisest decision anyone has made so far.
…
> The Captain nodded, "Stay here and protect those two."
All “main” characters present must stick together, that way there’s no doubt about who will die next.
…
> He then looked to the Royal Guard standing by the door, "Sergeant Romper, go get Private Daily and bring him down here. We need to all stay together."
“And while you’re at it, asking what the hell he was doing up there. All the guards were murdered.”
…
>"Private Daily, come down to the main part of the school. We're regrouping."
If you’re dead don’t say anything!
…
> But, when he reached the top of the stairs, he was meet with a horrifying sight.
A skeleton popped out?
…
> The Private was stuck to the wall, his own sword sticking out of his chest. His face was carved to make him look like he was smiling.
Oh, good. Cody has read about Jeff the Killer.
…
We are treated to a delightful scene of Cody killing the guards that were left with Lance & Co. doing diddly squat. So far this chapter has failed to deliver on its promise of BLOOD AND VIOLENCE and the ponies DIEING IN A BLOODY FASHION.
…
>"Corporal, whats that on your back?"
I kid you not. The surviving guard just galloped back to the main room with a knife stuck on his neck
 
 
 
>>Chapter 18 - Part 7
…
> Upon looking closer, Lieutenant Brink could see that the object was a knife! Stuck deep into the back of the Corporal's neck bone.
I suppose that the author is implying that adrenaline took him this far. But the guy has a knife stuck in the back of his neck.
That’s the kind of thing that kills you in one hit.
…
> The Captain began to walk forward, but a green blur outside the door stopped him. The Corporal had a look of surprise on his face. His surprised face fell to the floor, followed by the rest of his body.
So, decapitation seems to be a running theme here.
…
> The mare named Twilight Sparkle screamed in horror at the sight
Oh, that’s right. Twilight was here. How could I forget, seeing all the important things she’s been doing?
Wait. Why didn’t Twilight just do her bubble shield spell thingie around the Library and called it a night?
…
> Lance began to throw up his dinner.
Oh, right.
…
> the same green blur dashed in and slammed into the Lieutenant
Oh, no. Cody has entered the school! Now what of us?
…
> The Lieutenant winced from a pain in his chest. When he looked down at his chest, the full pain hit him.
Brink!? Dying? How completely unexpected!
…
> His last thoughts was of his family and how much he was going to miss.
Rest. You’re in a better place now. Not the Living-verse.
…
> Frederic was shocked at the sudden attack from Cody, as was everypony else in the room. Everypony was to shocked to to move or think as they watched Cody kill the Lieutenant.
How convenient that the Captain of the Guard, the most powerful unicorn in Equestria, a blacksmith that came out of Full Metal Alchemist and Hero McProtagonist were too shocked to actually get anything done.
…
> The Captain hit the floor and slide. He than lay still, barely breathing.
Ok, the trained soldier is down too. This all bodes well.
 
 
 
>>Chapter 18 - Part 8
…
> Frederic lunged forward, while Cody was distracted and pulled out his two swords with his magic.
So… We’re saving Lance for the final showdown?
…
> Frederic plunged the first blade into the top of Cody's back and the second into his flank. Cody screamed in pain and collapsed. Blood oozing out of his two wounds.
No? Jeez, just get over with the action so we can get back to the—Uh, never mind.
…
> Frederic shook his head and brought both blades over Cody's head, ready to end all the killing.
Great! Now we can at least wrap up Cody’s stupidity arc and—
…
>"Stop Frederic!"
GOD DAMN IT, LANCE.
…
> you would be a killer. If you truly want the killing to stop, then let him live. Let the Princess deal with him."
Yes. Let THEM do the dirty job.
…
> Twilight nodded, "The Princess will give him a fair trial."
Just lock him in an insane asylum. But place more than one freaking guard with him.
…
>"Frederic, we left a world of killing behind. Do you really want to become a killer?”
Yes, this doesn’t need more dark and grittiness.
…
> Something of the old world that doesn't belong here."
Yes. All of you.
 
 
 
>>Chapter 19
…
> I'm sorry for this short chapter
I am not.
…
> I am feeling terrible.
As you should.
…
> please enjoy.
I’ll do my best…
…
> Aaron sat up and yawned. What a night!
Oh, bland underdeveloped OC #3 What was his one trait?
…
> Last night was his second date with Vinyl Scratch
Right, bland, uninteresting personality makes the object of his affection immediately attracted to him. I know I have no right to expect anything different, but mayb—
…
> Vinyl was still asleep, a smile on her face. Her goggles was off, taken off before they got to the bed.
No, no. You know what? It’s ok. Vinyl is accepted as a party girl, it shouldn’t be a surprise if she sleeps around from time to time. It’s her ri—
…
> Aaron laid back and put his hoofs behind his head. Wondering if she would be ready for round three when she woke.
Go to hell, Kickass222urmom.
…
> Zane walked down the dirt road, alone.
Oh, Bland underdeveloped OC #2. How could we forget about you?
…
> keeping his destination in mind. He was on his way to New Mane City. The Princess had told him that what he was seeking would be there.
Because, what kind of story would give you hints and details about the arcs of its characters?
…
> So, three days into the trip and he's not even close. He had at least another four days of walking and flying to go.
Everyone seems to have forgotten that Equestria has trains.
…
> Peter smiled with pride at his work. His newest prank.
He is a musician with a pony name that is a subtle reference to Jimi Hendrix, of course he’s a prankster.
…
> David stood in front of his newest painting. It was a painting of Ponyville.
I’m glad to know that David got his shit together after he got his cutie mark.
 
 
 
>>Chapter 19 - Part 2
…
> He walked to the door and opened it. A large barrel pointed straight at him.
The sheer “gore” and “violence” of the previous chapter has seeped into this one.
…
> There was a loud bang. Something wet and creamy slammed into his face. Peter stopped laughing and smirked, "Got yeah dude."
This story has jaded me to the point that I can’t enjoy a simple prank.
…
> Twilight stood reading the letter from the Princess, a smile on her face
Anything that makes this Twilight happy, can’t be a good thing.
…
> Next to the letter was a stack of tickets, enough for all her friends and Lance's friends.
Another landmark of FiM is about to be tainted.
…
> "Yep." She smiled, "This year is going to be fun."
In the same way that a puppy drowning is fun.
…
>"Because, Lance and his friends are going. It is going to be very interesting."
The buried remains of Chernobyl are also interesting, that doesn’t mean we have to dwell into them.
…
> Greg looked at the School house, and at the ponies in white walking around it.
Why didn’t Cody go for Greg as well? It’s because of him that he couldn’t kill Lance.
…
> What happened there?
EdgeCon.
…
>"Looks like things aren't as peaceful as they seem, huh Weedy."
And for once, the blame wasn’t Lance’s.
…
> This was the first ever killing in Equestria history for over one thousand years.
Makes you wonder what the Royal Guard actually does. The one thing they’ve been shown to do is prevent people from entering places.
…
> As [Barehoof] laid back in bed, a young private walked up, "Captain, was it really as bad as they say?"
“Indeed it was. A dozen elite, armed guards were defeated by one crazy Pegasus with a sword and a kitchen knife. It was pretty damned bad.”
…
>"Do you think it will happen again sir?"
Considering the sheer number of chapters left? Yes. I do think it will happen again.
 
 
 
>>Chapter 20 - Part 1
…
> I had a large cheerful smile on my face. I don't completely know why though.
Nobody knows why anything happens here.
…
> Today just seemed like a happy day for some reason.
Surely it’ll remain that way.
…
> The night at the school was four days ago. The Princess's clean up crew had cleaned the scene before anypony saw it.
Didn’t Greg see it?
…
> I do find it strange how Twilight just shrugged that nights events like it was nothing.
It’s almost as if she was written by someone who doesn’t know how to do so.
…
> I thought she would have at least stressed over it, like I did, but no.
Lampshade Hanging doesn’t work that way.
…
> She went back to normal Twilight after we arrived back at her house.
I highy doubt that anyone here can pass off as normal.
…
> she gave me a few tickets to the Grand Galloping Gala. She told me to give them to all my friends, just the bronies
“Because, let’s be frank here, there’s no feasible way in which you could have made friends who weren’t bronies.
…
> The Gala seemed kinda boring on the show, unless something goes wrong. And knowing Greg, something is bond to happen
Don’t give him all the credit. You’re more than capable of screwing up on your own.
…
> I stopped walking and smiled, I know what to do with Zane's ticket. There's a pony who deserves it more.
Sure, Zane is the least developed character here. And that’s including Aaron “I want to rut Vinyl”, but seriously, that’s kind of a dick move.
…
> I turned about face and started walking towards the Palace.
Who else do you know who’d want to go to the Gala?
 
 
 
>>Chapter 20 - Part 2
…
> [Rarity] was in the process of making dresses for her friends to wear to the Grand Galloping Gala. After a little consideration, she had decided to go with last years design, just with a few new things here and there.
The Grand Galloping Gala is the biggest social event in Equestria. Rarity wouldn’t be caught death using the same dress.
…
> Greg laughed loudly at the thing that lay in front of him. A suit, for the Gala. Does Lance really expect him to wear a suit?
Because stoners are known to have no notion of societal norms.
…
> He levitated a pair of scissors in front of him. He'll wear it, but only after a little work.
‘Cause you’ve got to fight against the system, man! You can’t let “The Mare” oppress you.
…
> Griffin's are getting anger at the Ponies of Equestria. Because a group of bronies made their way to their land and went on a rampage trying to find a Griffin.
Hilariously enough, this is the most realist portrayal of what would bronies do if they were in Equestria.
…
> Years of compacted hate and anger are about to explode, causing a war that Equestria does not need or want.
I’ve seen into the future. And it holds no hope.
…
>'Captain Barehoof,
>I want you to have my last ticket to the Gala. Think of it as a thank you for keeping me and my friends safe.
>Sincerely,
>Lance'
“I just thought that you’d want to take a break from having panic attacks in the middle of the night due to the PTSD”
…
> He laid back, for the first time in a long time, he felt happy.
“Yeah, I lost almost a dozen soliders, and we’re in the brink of war. Life’s good.”
…
> Zane galloped down the dirt road at his top speed, the blood thirsty manticore quickly catching up
Aren’t you a Pegasus?
…
> The thing had been chasing him for over a mile, and didn't look to be letting up anytime soon.
Pegasus can fly. That’s the reason you have wings.
 
 
 
>>Chapter 20 - Part 3
…
> He looked forward, so close now. Just a little further.
Wings. Seriously, Zane.
…
> What is [Princess Celestia] to do? Equestria is on the verge of war, and because of bronies.
“My beautiful, peaceful land is threatened. If only there was one specific group of people who could be blamed.”
…
> The Equestria army doesn't even have real combat experiences, just what the trainers put them through.
Living near other warrior nations, one would think that Equestria would have a back-up plan in case of war, but apparently that’s not the case.
…
> The trainers would cast a spell on the soldiers, putting them into a combat simulation trance. This was the closest they have ever been to actual killing and war. But it would have to do.
Virtual Reality exists in Equestria.
…
> The only comforting though she had was that the Griffin's hadn't made a move to attack, and probably wouldn't.
Celestia just jinxed her nation.
…
> Private Dune, your Division is scheduled to go to Manehattan as soon as the Princess gives the order.
Is Princess Celestia gonna enforce a military state? Is that what’s happening?
 
 
 
>>Chapter 20 - Part 4
…
> They had been assigned to move to Manehattan in case the Griffins decided to attack. Which he knew they wouldn't.
You see, this here is called foreshadowing. It hints towards what is going to happen. In this case, “hints” means “explicitly states”
…
> The Equestria Army was not the same as the Royal Guards. Even thought they wore similar armor, they were not the same. The Equestria Army was created to guard against foreign attacks only.
You mean the kind of stuff that had never happened before? Woah, they surely act quickly.
…
> They where all excited about going to Manehattan, the big city.
The political relations between the two countries are tense, and there’s the threat of war looming on the horizon, and you know what that means. Party in the Big Apple!
…
> Private Dune joined in their conversation about mares. He was going to enjoy himself for awhile. Besides, once they arrive in Manehattan, they will all be able to party and have fun.
Oh, shit. They were serious. Your country is going to be attacked. Focus on your duty for a moment
….
> That was something to look forward to.
You mean the story living up to its gore tag?
 
 
 
>>Chapter 21 - Part 1
…
>Title: That’s not posible!
It’s what I’ve been saying this entire week.
…
> We was a my house
Ugh…
…
> "Should we arrive with everypony else, or just me and you?" She said while she held my hoof with hers.
Just both of us, I don’t think the Castle can take so much ocness in a single blow.
…
>"Umm dude, there's this mare here. She said she knows you and needs to see you."
Every mare wants to see him, David. It shouldn’t come as a surprise.
…
>"Oh my God! Lance, honey there you are!"
If this is his girlfriend from Earth, then Lance would become the ultimate douche.
…
>"Mom?!"
So… His mother just died? Damn.
…
> No! Why this?! I haven't done any thing to deserve this!
I get to see my mother again, who has suffered the agony of having her son lapse into a coma and then commit suicide, I am the most unfortunate being in existence.
…
> Let me describe my mom. She is over protective, I mean way over protective. Always telling me what is safe and what is not.
So, every mother who has ever lived. Ever.
…
> If you asked me what I thought about the things she believed in. I would laugh you off, because I don't.
Yes, Lance, we are aware that you don’t think.
…
>"Lance! Why are you wearing those type of cloths. You know how I feel about gang related things!"
“And why do you have stripes? Have you been getting tattoos?”
…
>"That's right! And who might you be?"
“I’m the stand-in for your son’s fantasies.”
 
 
 
>>Chapter 21 - Part 2
…
>"Take those goggles off, we're indoors!"
Mrs. Greenfield, Anons. She knows how to deal with bullshit.
…
>"Good heavens! What's wrong with your eyes?! I'm taking you to the doctor right now."
“I am afraid it’s late stage edginess, ma’am. Your son is destined to be a shitty oc for the rest of his life.”
…
> What'd I tell ya! To damn over protective.
You have striped eyes. Any being capable of conscious thought would be worried.
…
> My mom looked at her and her face light up with anger, "Is that horse pregnant?!"
“I hate pregnancy.”
…
>"I thought I taught you better than this! Your coming with me and leaving that animal behind!"
“Disregard the fact that we are both animals now, and for all I know she could be a human too.”
…
> She looked at me, confused, "No? What do you mean no? You've never said no to me before."
So, you’ve never stood up to your mom, and you complain about her being overprotective?
…
> That is true, I always tried to be nice to her
Assertive, he’s not.
…
>"Lance Greenfield! Your coming with me right now, and your going to be ground for a long time for that little comment."
Not that he doesn’t deserve it, but damn. This is approaching Norma Bates levels of controlling.
…
>"Why? I already have a better life here than I did with you."
“I’m already living every fantasy I could think.”
…
> She looked hurt and pissed at my response, "I gave you a home and a happy safe life. How could you say that?"
Well, he is a prick.
…
> "Fine! Have it your way! I never thought I would have to do this, but I'm going to get the police to make you leave."
You know? Lance is still underage, so she’s in her legal rights to do so.
…
> Why would [Lance] want to come here to a world of horses? And want to be one of them?
Your second question answers the first one.
 
 
 
>>Chapter 21 - Part 3
…
> She would straighten him out after she found a police officer to make him go with her.
Why not go to a lawyer? Or go to the mayor? Find someone who knows enough legalese to help you
…
> She walked down the street, asking questions and searching for something that doesn't even exist in Equestria.
Further proof that there were no problems in Equestria before the arrival of Lance.
…
> This little twist was going to bring on a lot of fun for him to watch and enjoy.
See, this is the reason I like Greg. He can look at this mess and just laugh at it.
…
> After it was over, [David] became worried. What if his mom came here to and was looking for him?
OC’s Mothers in Equestria General, get on it, people.
…
> Tomorrow is the day. The day of the Gala, the most magical night of the year. Its going to be one hell of a party with all of us there.
Well, Lance, I’ll have to agree with you on that. I’m sure it’ll be hell alright.
 
 
 
>>Chapter 22 - The Grand Galloping Gala - Part 1
>> Chapter 22
…
> I nodded, looking at the magnificent Palace in front of us. "It looks better in person than it did on the show." I muttered.
Even though Twilight already knows Lance is human, he still hasn’t mentioned that My Little Pony is a tv show.
…
> I was wearing my suit that Rarity had made for me, and also my goggles.
Bent goggles are the ultimate accessory that denotes class.
…
> I smirked, "What, no musical number?"
Stick to ruining one art field at the time.
…
> All the high class ponies around [Greg] looked at him like he was a street rat.
And with good reason, to be honest.
…
> Greg had cut the sleeves off his suit, let the tie hang half done. He looked more like a punk pony than a high class pony.
Rarity will be delighted when she sees what I’ve done to the suit she made for me! Then again, she should have been able to design something for Greg that would fit the occasion.
…
> He reached back into his saddlebag, yeah he wore it, and pulled out a blunt.
I’m sure a least a guard would ask him to turn it off.
…
> As he looked around the room, he saw that one purple brony. Peter maybe? Messing with a punch bowel.
I don’t think I want to drink from that.
…
> The the punch in the bowl seemed to explode outward, covering the mare in punch.
You know? For all the disaster the Mane 6 caused in “The Best Night Ever”, they didn’t really do anything mean spirited. It was her high expectations that ultimately let them down and spoiled the party. But these guys are going out of their way to mess with people. And yet I’m sure there’ll be no consequences to their actions.
…
> Spice things up. Spice. Spike. Spike drinks.
So… Greg is a witch?
 
 
>>Chapter 22 - The Grand Galloping Gala - Part 2
…
> after some work, [Greg] was able to bring one of his favorite drinks here. Vodka.
Wait, so there’s no alcohol in Equestria? Because if there is, then these ponies should be able to identify the alcohol in the punch. Also, you only spiked one bowl, that won’t really do anything.
…
> I leaned my back against the wall, sweat under my suit. It really was hard to slow dance, harder and needs more work than real dancing.
Waltz. More physically demanding than line dancing, Irish folk dance, or moshing.
…
> What do you know, Octavia is up there playing.
What do you know, nobody is safe from you.
…
> What did [Greg] do to his suit?! That thing cost me four days of work salary.
Seriously? Do any of the other bronies have a job? Why the hell do you have to pay for everyone’s suit?
…
> I shrugged, it might be fun to see what happens.
I’ll have to agree with you, Lance. See everyone get black-out dunk at the Gala will be fun.
…
> Twilight walked up to me and smiled, "Tired already?"
If this dance is too extenuating for Lance, a physically fit Pegasus, then I don’t think a pregnant mare should be dancing that.
…
> Dana sat on the edge of the bench, a confused expression on her face.
Don’t try to understand the Living-verse, Ms. Greenfield. It means to stare straight into madness.
…
> all the horses just laughed and made complements about her looks, not very nice ones at that
Oi. Oedipus thread, the author seems to be one of yours.
…
>, he's just like his older brother, Mark. Always resisting and trying to be his own person.
How dare they? Trying to be mature and grown up and failing miserably.
…
> She can't have him living with others people like that. What if their sick or try to give him something like nuts or something he may be allergic to? She can't have that!
If he’s allergic to something, I’m sure he’d know about it and would let others know.
 
 
 
>>Chapter 22 - The Grand Galloping Gala - Part 3
…
> Frederic took a deep breath and walked straight up to Princess Luna, who had been standing next to the stage, just standing there.
“Shouldn’t we go greet the Princess?” “I don’t know, she’s just been standing there all night”
…
> He took another deep breath and knelled down on his front knees.
Oh, God… No.
…
>"Will you take me as your husband as I would take you as my beloved wife?"
You see, your speech was nice and all, but you’ve had one date, I don’t think you two can just go and –
…
>"Yes."
Never mind.
…
> That was unexpected, Frederic proposing to the Princess, and she saying yes. Proposing? Ummm, that makes me feel like I forgot to do something
And I wonder what could that be.
…
> Wait a damn minute! I haven't proposed to Twilight! And she's pregnant!
“This has never occurred to me until now!”
…
> I turned and headed for the door. I need to hurry and get back before Twilight notices I'm gone.
“This will in seem completely sincere, and not an attempt to upstage Fred.”
…
> Greg looked at David, who was already passed out outside in the garden.
How much spiked punch do you have to drink before you pass out?
…
> He picked David up with his magic and put him on his back. Time to get the weak drinker home.
Oh, I get it. He was just trying to be spared of the disaster to come.
…
> As [Cpt. Barehoof] stood there, he didn't notice the sky blue mare behind him. Looking him over.
 
Nice, cap. Now you can have a leisure night with a nice mare.
…
>"Yes, I'm the Captain. Why do you ask?"
“Have you been a bad, bad filly?”
…
> She nodded, "Good, I need you to help me bring my son back home with me."
Oh, damn it. It’s Lance’s mom. Wait, is he going to ship the Captain and Lance’s mom?
…
> She looked furious, "No! I need you to get him home now!'
“Screw you and your only free night in which you can distract from the horrible memories!”
 
 
 
>>Chapter 22 - The Grand Galloping Gala - Part 4
…
>"This is the first night in seven years that I've had to myself. Please let me enjoy it."
Equestria doesn’t mess around with its military service.
…
> She seemed to soften, "Seven years? You haven't had a night off in seven years?"
I think this guy’s going to ship his mother with the captain.
…
> She bit her lower lip, "I can dance with you if you want."
He IS going to ship them together.
…
>"Well, Dana, lets dance. Shall we?"
I am all for this ship.
…
> I ran back into the ball room, sweaty and out of breath. I had to run all the way home, grab the cash, fly at top speed to the store, then make a mad dash back to the Palace.
Weren’t you dancing with Twilight? How did she not notice you were gone?
…
> I had a smallish box in my mouth. I looked around the room and saw Twilight, talking to Rainbow Dash. Why Rainbow Dash?
Because you never resolved that sub-plot. Gee, I wonder what she’ll do. Surely with how constantly selfish and conceited she’s been characterized, she’ll stick around or try to make snarky comments at Lance.
…
> Rainbow Dash laughed, "Okay Twi, I'm heading over to the Wonderbolt's V.I.P area."
Or not.
…
> I knelled down and put it on my hoof. "Twilight, I've never done this. So, I'm kinda lost right here."
 
You’ve never been a pony, flown, worked as a waiter, fought beasts or crazy psychos before. That hasn’t stopped you before.
…
>"Will you marry me and make me the happiest stallion in Equestria."
What will Twilight say? The tension is killing me.
…
> "Yes!"
For any Twifag that has survived this far, my deepest condolences.
 
 
 
>>Chapter 23 - The Grand Galloping Gala - Part 5
…
> I sat back, gasping. Damn, I need to work out more often. This dancing is to much work.
Your fiancée Ugh… is pregnant, man. She’s already showing, you shouldn’t let her dance
…
> Peter was walking away from a table, a smirk on his face. What is he up to this time?
Oh, that silly rascal Peter. I wonder what shenanigans he’ll cause.
…
> a snapping sound was heard. A pie flew from the side of the table and hit the stallion on the side of his head
You think someone would have said something about all the attacking food, but everyone has stopped caring.
…
> Peter began to laugh loudly. He had a large smile on his face, but suddenly, it changed to one of sadness. He looked on the verge of tears.
Have you been near Greg’s stash?
…
> He turned towards the stage and walked behind it. He soon emerged with a acoustic guitar strapped across his side. He walked out the door that lead to the garden. A sad look on his face
Clearly he is in a down mood, and wants to be left alone for a while.
…
> I looked over to Twilight, "Should we go after him?"
Clearly.
…
Peter proceeds to sing “The Poet and the Muse”
…
> I know I've heard this song before, but where?
Well, Alan Wake was a popular video--
…
> I got it! I heard it at my uncles, after his wife died of cancer.
Wait. What? So either his uncle was a gamer, or he was really into the Finnish alternative rock scene.
…
> I walked forwards, "I didn't know you could play the guitar, or sing."
The Jimi Hendrix half reference should have tipped me off, but no.
…
> He turned back to me, "Two years ago, me and my friend was out on Halloween, you know, doing pranks and things like that."
Did he die in a horrible accident involving a whoopee cushion?
…
Long sobby flashback made short: Peter convinced his friend to go pranking at a party after they threw them out of a party for pranking. His friend was hit by a drunk driver.
 
 
 
>>Chapter 23 - The Grand Galloping Gala - Part 6
…
>"He didn't even live long enough for me to say I'm sorry." Peter said as he sobbed into his hooves.
I am amazed that this guy managed to make a good backstory for one of his shitty OC’s. Hopefully Peter will continue to—
…
>"Yes, you can help me with something." I nodded, "Sure. What is it?" He smirked, "A prank."
I hate you so much.
…
> Captain Barehoof looked over at her. Why was she still here?
Because that’s how shipping works here.
…
> It was fun dancing with her, but she was sort of stuck up and to safe. The sort of mare that the Captain hated.
So you’ll be the one to tear down that hard exterior and teach her to love? I may be getting too much into this.
…
>"How did you get in? Its invite only, and you don't seem like the type that would be invited to the Gala."
Once they saw Lance get inside, they realised that standards no longer applied.
…
>"Its called charm. You need to work on your guards Captain."
The guards are into MILF’s
…
>"Dance?" She just don't know when to leave does she? "Sure, why not. Not like I'm doing anything."
Why are his mom and the captain getting more romantic development than, say, anyone else?
…
Somehow, the author managed to write two scenes in which nothing outstanding happens.
Peter, Lance and Twilight throw pies at some mares and Greg puts Dave in his room.
There.
…
> "Hey Twilight. Guess who just got asked to hang out with the Wonderbolts at their HQ."
Lance?
…
> Twilight grinned, "You'll be a Wonderbolt soon at this rate."
Sadly, she’ll probably be a Wonderbolt here before in the show.
 
 
 
>>Chapter 23 - The Grand Galloping Gala - Part 7
…
> Twilight looked down, "Oh this? Its nothing, just my engagement bracelet that Lance gave me.
"The guy you’ve tried to rape repeatedly has asked me to marry him!
…
> Rainbow Dash, who you would have thought would be furious, actually smiled
Gee, why would we think that she’d be furious? Have you given us any hint at all about how Rainbow would feel about this?
…
> "No, its okay now. I know there's no way he would go with me. So, I'm happy your happy."
Allow me to remain doubtful.
…
> Frederic sat smiling. Happier than he had been in years, because he was finally going to be able to spend the rest of his life with the one he loved. Luna.
Lunafags, take solace in knowing that at least she’s not paired with an overtly shitty OC.
…
> She looked at him, "How did the stars make you fall for me Frederic?" "They was a master piece, special and beautiful. Just like you."
Wait. That’s the entire basis for your relationship? Nothing about her personality, the way she acts or treats her subjects or something like that?
…
> Captain Barehoof and my mom dancing. The Captain looked like he was bored, and my mom looked to be having a good time.
That’s New Dad to you.
…
> Time to look for Twilight and enjoy the rest of the night.
Yes, I’m still waiting for everything to blow up.
 
 
 
>>Chapter 24 - The Grand Galloping Gala - Part 8
…
> I nodded, "I wish I could play an instrument. I suck at it, along with most things."
How nice of you to notice!
…
> Greg walked over to Pinkie Pie, a large grin on his face. “I need your help making this party cooler and more exciting."
And by exciting I mean disastrous.
…
> Ow ow, the pony pokie would be the best song to play, just like last year.
No it wasn’t. It sucked, nobody appreciated it, and she realised as much.
…
> He plopped the blunt in her mouth and lit it, "Puff that and then drink this." He put the bottle next to her.
Why are you actively trying to destroy the Castle?
…
> Greg began to step back, a smile on his face.
It was an old castle anyway.
…
> Pinkie Pie had just finished the blunt and the vodka. She was now shaking up and down, extremely fast.
It’s been here for centuries, it needs to be updated.
…
> Now that he thinks about it, this may not have been a good idea.
Who cares about the historical value of the building?
…
Things turn out as one would expect.
…
> Greg started backing away and towards the exit. Things were starting to get a little to crazy and better to leave early.
 
Run, Greg. Save your life.
…
> Lance stood there, a stern look on his face, "Greg, do you know what you've done?"
Do something interesting that doesn’t include cringy performances?
…
> The sounds of destruction and the laughs of a crazy pony could be heard behind him. "Oh no. Your staying here and clean up your mess."
“Just like I clean ‘my’ messes.”
 
 
 
>>Chapter 24 - The Grand Galloping Gala - Part 9
…
> His horn glowed and he disappeared in a cloud of green smoke and light.
Consequences rarely ever catch up to you if you live in the Living-verse.
…
> The Gala had been cut short, mostly since all the ponies ran out, fearing their lives.
A success, I see.
…
> I'm surprised this building is still standing.
I’m disappointed.
…
> Please, next time don't give her alcohol." I looked at him, "I didn't give it to her, it was Greg."
Ha! Surely the Princess won’t let this slide so easily. After all, there was some serious damage done to the castle and ponies got hurt this time. They’ll at least—
…
> Princess Celestia chuckled, "Well, I wanted this year to be different. I guess I got it, even if this isn't what I meant."
GOD DAMN IT. I'm losing my god damned mind here!
…
> I laughed, "You brought bronies to the Gala. You should be lucky there still is a Palace."
“Geez, you should have known better Celestia. What were you thinking?”
…
> Captain Barehoof stood next to the mare named Dana, looking at the Palace. "Well, that was unexpected."
Not really. Everyone knew perfectly well this night was going to suck.
…
> “I should have stayed, but you drug me out."
Mrs. Greenfield! I never would have guessed you’d resort to roofieing the captain..
…
>"It's fine. I'll help you with your son tomorrow." She nodded, "I'll be outside the gate first thing in the morning. I want you to be out here early and ready to help."
What exactly does she want him to do? Go to his house and give Lance a stern lecture?
 
 
 
>>Chapter 25
…
> Captain Barehoof and Dana walked up to the house that her son was staying.
So far, I know Mrs. Greenfield wants Lance to go back home with her. And then what? The little prick is already over seventeen, he’s going to be an adult soon. This is a temporary fix at best, and even then you’ll only get him to get mad at you.
…
> She rolled her eyes, "Call me Dana. I hate being called ma'am, makes me feel old."
When these two inevitably get together, it won’t feel as forced as *ahem* other ships in this fic.
…
> The door opened to reveal a dull green unicorn with a blue mane and tail. He had a weird look on his face. "Oh, look its that one pony... the mom."
Do they know that Greg is responsible for last night’s fiasco?
…
> Dana looked at the unicorn, "Where is he?" The unicorn turned and laughed loudly, "With that one bitch I think."
 
Stay classy, Greg.
…
> The Captain looked up at her, instantly recognizing her. It was Twilight Sparkle, from the school. And by the the looks of the bracelet on her hoof, Lance's fiancee. Wait, if she's here, does that mean... that Dana is Lance's mom?
She didn’t tell you!? She spent the whole gala with you, talking about his son and how she wanted your help and she didn’t even mentioned, even briefly, who her son is?
…
> Dana looked up and half screamed, "Lance Greenfield! Come down here right now, we're leaving."
With such a compelling argument, I don’t see how he can say no.
…
> Dana pushed Twilight out of the way, "Oh yes you are!" Twilight feel to the floor.
Again, pregnant mare. You should try to be less rough around her.
…
> He had thought once a pony was old enough to take care of them self, the parents sent them on their way.
Sorry, cap. This family doesn’t abide by logic.
 
 
 
>>Chapter 25
…
> Why was Dana still on Lance's back? "Dana, I can't force him to leave." She looked at him shocked, "What do you mean? You said you would help me!"
And I thought I loved you…
…
>"I did. But that's when I thought you was talking about a colt. I didn't know your son was a full grown stallion. He has every right to live away from home."
Thank you, cap. I’m glad to know there’s at least someone know what they’re doing.
…
>"No! He's only seventeen, that's to young to be living alone. Besides, he doesn't have a house of his own to live in." Lance raised a hoof, "Ummm, mom. If you haven't noticed, this is my house. I own it."
For an overtly controlling mother, you haven’t looked much into what your son has been doing.
…
> She came face to face with Lance, "I'm your mother, I know everything about you." He smirked, "Then tell me who makes me the happiest." She grinned, "Me of course."
What’s the reverse of an Oedipus complex?
…
> Lance turned away from her, "I learned to live mom. I think you should leave."
I wonder what made her mom the way she is. Did his husband left her?
…
> The Captain looked at Lance, "She's quite the hoof full."
Try rising a kid like Lance.
…
> She looked at him and smiled weakly, "My little boy is growing up, to old for his mother I guess."
Could it be? A character is actually experimenting growth?
…
> She walked over to him and smiled, "Well, how about you take me out for breakfast."
She doesn’t mess around, now does she?
…
> He looked at her strangely, "Why?" She shrugged, "Because you want to."
Can we ignore everyone’s arcs and just focus on these two? Maybe Greg from once in a while.
…
> They turned and headed down the street. Heading towards the Captain's favorite restaurant.
Well, color me impressed. I actually like something from this literary abortion.
Thet, or I've finally snapped.
 
 
 
>>Chapter 26 - Part 1
…
>Title: MorningDate.
If this is about Dana and Captain Barehoof, this could have potential.
…
> I stepped out of my house and took a breath of the fresh air. Being in a house that smells like weed makes you dizzy after a while.
Of course, how could we not talk about Lance for a whole chapter?
…
> I almost forgot about my job at the Cafe. Good thing Twilight remembered.
Yes, that thing. The thing that gives you money to pay for your friends’ shenanigans.
…
> Zane stood out side of New Mane City. Finally, after days of traveling, he had arrived at his destination.
Oh, right. Zane. You guys remember Zane, right? I wonder why Lance didn’t invite him to the Gala. He dragged along the rest of the bronies. Why not him?
…
> If the Princess was right, she would be here. The only person he had to meet.
Wait. When he was, let’s say, “introduced”, he mentioned he was going on a date. You mean to tell me that he’s being walking, not flying, not taking the train, but rather walking, this whole time?
…
> Captain Barehoof looked at the menu in front of him. What should he order?
Yes!
 
 
 
>>Chapter 26 - Part 2
…
> As the waiter walked away, Dana looked at the Captain, a smirk on her face, "Someones a big eater aren't they."
“And that someone is me”
…
> The Captain chuckled, "I'm just hungry." She gave a sly smile, "Of course you are."
Damn, she IS flirting with the captain.
…
>"I eat fast." She chuckled, "I see that." She sat back, "But I eat faster." Her bowel was empty.
Jesus, mare. Can’t you go to the bathroom? You’re eating right there.
…
> The Captain held back a smile. It seems shes not as stuck up as he had thought, "You was distracting me.
And the captain fights back.
…
>"How about I prove it." He pushed one of the salads over to her, "First one to finish wins."
I doubt it was intentional, but this chapter is full of double entendres.
…
> He chuckled, "Unfair, you had a head start."
Point in case.
…
> The Captain looked up at him, "Yes, bring us five hayburgers."
> The waiter nodded and turned for the counter.
> Dana chuckled, "Five huh? Wouldn't there be one left over?"
> The Captain smiled, "Who ever eats three wins."
What does it say that an eating challenge between two adults is the most engaging scene so far?
 
 
 
>>Chapter 27 - Part 1
…
>Title: Greg’s new spell
Hitler could have preemptively found a cure for cancer and AIDS, but people would still be mad at him for the whole World War II thing. I’m not going to forgive you for the horrible story just because you wrote one chapter that didn’t make me want to kill myself.
…
> "Your just lucky." She shook her head laughing, "I sure am, but I also have skills."
Keep the double entendres coming.
…
>"We have to have a rematch sometime." She nodded, "Oh, we will. How about tomorrow night?"
Hey, Kickass222urmom, this is the closest you’ve come to writing decent romance. You should start taking notes.
…
> The Captain raised a eyebrow, "Are you asking me out?"
Dana's face lit up with a slight blush, "Maybe. Do you want to?"
Yes. Yes I want.
…
>"Its a date."
Great! I have something else to look forward besides a stroke.
…
> Rainbow Dash landed in the park. While she was flying over, she had heard a very catchy tone.
Oi, and the predator spots its prey.
…
> He pointed past her, "See that tree?" It looked like any normal tree, "Yeah, and?" She turned back to the purple Pegasus. Something slammed into her face, wet and creamy.
Ok, prankster meets prankster, I see..
…
> Rainbow Dash glared at him, "Your dead!" He smirked, "Bring it on."
This won’t end well.
…
> I walked into my house, tired from today's work. So many tables, so many orders. Why am I the only waiter there? It's next to impossible to serve every table at once.
You’re the only waiter? How did they operate before you arrived?
…
> I walked up the stairs to see Leonardo and Churchill staring at each other
Are the dogs getting their own subplots?
…
> The door across from mine opened and Greg walked out. "Ahh, Lance. Just the guy I wanted to see."
Ah, now we arrive to the promised new spell of Greg.
 
 
 
>>Chapter 27 - Part 2
…
> Greg smiled, "I just read something in one of those old spell books Twilight gave me."
You’d think that, given my proclivity to make things FUBAR, she wouldn’t let me get near a spell book, but you’d be wrong.
…
>"[The spell is] called, 'True self revealed.'"
Ok, this should be interested
…
>"It shows your true self, duh." He said like it was obvious.
And it isn’t?
…
>"Yep, and I want you to be my test dummy."
I hope the spell backfires.
…
>"Okay, I think I know how to do it now."
Spell. Backfiring.
…
> He shrugged, "Yeah. Now are you going to shut up and let me concentrate or are you going to bitch about it?"
You speak as if you don’t know Lance.
…
> Greg's horn glowed brightly. A green glow began to engulf me. Then it just stopped and his horn stopped glowing. "What? Did it work?" I asked. He shook his head, "No, I just need some weed."
Get it? Because he’s a pothead! So he smokes all the time!
…
> A bright flash filled the room and I had a strange feeling in my gut. I heard Greg chuckled, "So that's what it means by true form."
Are we ready to see the eldricht abomination that is Girokon’s new form?
…
> Greg walked up, "Dude, open your eyes and then you will see what I mean."
If his true form is his human form, I’ll need to get arm extensions for the jacking off motion I’ll be tempted to do.
…
> I shook my head, "Can't dude
Oh, no! Lance has lost his ability to dude!
…
> I squinted my eyes, and jumped back on the bed in shock. I was a human again.
What would that do to an Equestrian native pony?
…
> Dress in the same black clothes I had been wearing when this all began. My black hair with red highlights was the same length as it had been, down to my neck.
Oh, so he was this ridiculously edgy ‘before’ coming to Equestria.
 
 
 
>>Chapter 27 - Part 3
…
> "Damn dude, you look like a punk rock dude. Which is weird since I though you would look like a nerd."
Here. This is probably the most sincere line in all this fic.
…
>"How long does it last then." "Five days."
Oh, no! Now Lance won’t be able to go out with the fiancée who is ok with him being a human, nor go the job he remembers occasionally! What will be of him?
…
>"Sure you can dude. Now, explain the clothes. Because, I always pictured you wearing button up shirts and dress pants."
I like Greg, he just doesn’t care.
…
>"I was tying to impress a girl.
Surprisingly.
…
>"Now, how am I going to explain this to Twilight?"
“Greg did a stupid spell, I’m sure you’ll be able to find a counter-spell, and even if you can’t, the spell is reversible. Luckily, you said that you don’t mind me being a human, so let’s just wait for all of this to blow over.”
See? I did it, you’re welcome.
…
> Twilight sighed and looked back to Lance. She had to admit, in his human form, he did look good.
Of course he does.
…
> Twilight smiled. She hadn't seen this side of Lance. The whining side that is, "Its not all that bad."
I’ll give you that, he’s not whiny. He’s just freaking annoying.
…
> He looked up, "How? This place has nothing to do." She smiled slyly, "You still have me."
Oh, God. Are we going to get Human on Pony action?
…
> Greg shrugged, "True, but I can drink more, smoke more, and fuck better than you could ever."
Please, let Greg’s awesomeness last.
…
A random line in between dialogue, out of nowhere.
…
>"I wouldn't mind fighting you Lance. Might be fun to fight your skinny ass."
On one hand, I want to see Greg kicking Lance’s ass; on the other, his protagonist powers should be enough to make him win regardless.
 
 
 
>>Chapter 27 - Part 4
…
> Twilight coughed from the smoke.
Doesn’t anybody give a flying fuck about the pregnant mare!? Seriously! I don’t want Lance’s spawn prancing around, but this is just reckless.
…
>"I'm going to bed Twi."
We already know you’re bedding her, stop rubbing it on our faces.
…
> Twilight sat up and looked at her lover, Lance.
Ugh…
…
> She found it strange that he could still be cute, even as a human
“I guess he’s just that flawless.”
 
 
 
>>Chapter 28 - Psrt 1
…
> [Peter] slammed into the door and fell to the ground. He stood and shook the stars from his vision and opened the door. He ran in and slammed it shut, and put his body against it. Barricading the door with his body.
On one hand, I don’t care about three fourths of the OC’s. On the other, the option is talking about Lance.
…
> The door behind him jumped forward, like something was slamming into it. Twilight narrowed her eyes, "Peter, what did you do?"
Oh, let’s see what fine mess has he gotten into.
…
>"Well, I kinda pranked Rainbow Dash. As in, I slammed a pie in her face."
And she was pretty chill about it, actually.
…
>"Shit." He looked up at her, "Do what you want. I can't run anymore."
That’s not the kind of thing you say to a rapist.
…
> She chuckled, "I like you. You know how to pull a prank and live up to it."
A pie to the face. The pinnacle of physical comedy.
…
>"Want to hang out?" She spread her wings, "Oh yeah."
I insist. What happened to you and David? Weren’t you dating him twenty chapters ago?
…
>"You know David, I've barely seen you out of your room. I though you was going after Rainbow Dash?" He stopped and stood still, "Shit man, I forgot."
I get the feeling the author is the one who forgot.
…
> I looked in his room and saw a guitar. A smile came to my face. Might as well try and learn the guitar. I have an idea.
I might as well assault another art form, I’ve already made literature my bitch.
…
> Captain Barehoof stood in front of the mirror in the restroom that was in the Royal Guard's barracks. "Got a date or something there Captain?"
He do.
…
> The Captain turned around to see Staff Sergeant Irony
At this point, it’s not even funny to mock the sheer idiocy of the OC’s names. Luckily, I can still mock the rest of them.
