Title:           King of Equestria
Author:          notkickass222urmom
Pastebin link:   http://pastebin.com/SfQKpDVB
First Edit:      Tuesday 27th of May 2014 10:17:19 PM CDT
Last Edit:       Tuesday 27th of May 2014 10:17:19 PM CDT

>Title: King of Equestria
Somehow, I don’t think that this story will dwell on the story of Celestia and Luna’s father.
…
> Cover art: http://www.fimfiction-static.net/images/story_images/29277.png?1338411386
According to the comments, the author stole this cover art from some other fanfic, I checked and it’s true, he used the cover art of “Through the Eyes of Another Pony”, which is a popular self-insert.
How lazy/uncreative/ desperate do you have to be to resort to stealing from another shitty author?
…
> Length: 1023 words
Quite short, makes you wonder if this story will be able to fully explore its potential in just slightly over one thousand words. Even more so due to the fact that:
…
> Status: Complete
It’s seemingly done, and since the author doesn’t have other stories, we have to assume that we’ll go through a journey of emotions in just over a thousand words.
…
> Tags
>> Adventure
An adventure. In 1023 words.
It’s doable.
>>Alternate Universe
While every fan fiction is technically an Alternate Universe, this tag is commonly used to indicate a deviation from canon in a particular point. I doubt his is what the story is about.
>>Human
What self-insert is complete without a human tag?
…
> Synopsis: Name's Michael, I'm just a normal teenager until I landed in Equestria through a portal. Celestia and Luna arent doing a good job so I had to defeat every pony to become KING OF EQUESTRIA!
Oh, a coup d’état. This should be interesting.
…
> Synopsis 2: A human gets teleported to Equestria and decides to become king
There, no nonsense. Straight to the point, though I miss the energy behind the “King” part.
…
> Chapter 1
Well, let’s see how this fares.
…
> Hey I'm Michael, a normal teenager.
Allow me to remain sceptical.
…
> One day I got home from school and there was a portal in my room
These damned normal teenagers, always leaving their portals lying around.
 
 
 
…
> and I thouht F*ck yeah and I went through it.
As one tends to do when they find wormholes in their houses.
…
> There were colors everywhere as I fell through time and space and landed a minute later on a hard ground.
It’s a good thing these tunnels across dimensions always are full of breathable air.
…
> Everything was all colorful and I looked around.
But isn’t everything technically colourful? I know it means “of varied colour”, but there’s no specific scale to measure that variety. A red brick house with a white door and a green yard can be considered colourful. Unless you’re in the poles, everything can be considered colourful.
Oh, well. Enough delaying.
…
> The magical place seemed to be filled with these weird colorful creatures like ponies or some shit
Up until this point there’s been no mention of this guy being a brony, and yet he immediately recognises these creatures as ponies, despite them not really looking like real ponies.
…
> and I'm like holy shit I must be in Equestria!
Because “Friendship is Magic” is the only piece of fiction in the history of ever to feature ponies, magic or a combination of those.
…
> then I realized I was the only human in the world.
I’m glad to know you still maintain even the most rudimentary thought processing skills.
…
> and therfore the most awesome.
Yes, if you are the only one of a species that makes you the best of said species at anything by default.
…
> All of a sudden I got surrounded by a beam of magic light and then thrown to the ground.
Is it too optimistic to think that he was slain by the elements as soon as he arrived?
…
> When I opened my eyes, I wasnt a human guy anymore but I was an ALICORN!
If you were going to become an alicorn, why did you have to arrive as a human? Why not just appear as an alicorn immediately?
…
> It was so awesome as I looked at my new body.
So, if you looked away it would stop being awesome?
 
 
 
…
> I had a electric green striped mane all jagged and a muscley black body and bat wings that were also black.
Ugh… At least you’re not a Zebra Pegasus.
…
> I had a really giant horn and could do the best magic in the land with it.
How do you know that? You just got the horn five seconds ago; you haven’t done any magic yet.
…
> I also had a cutie mark that was a lightning bolt dripping with blood and it was f*cking awesome.
What can I say? What can I really say?
It’s just a generic stupid edgy cutie mark. What is that even supposed to mean?
Why are you censoring the cursing? It’s not as if the readers will say “Oh, there’s a letter missing, I have no way of knowing what this word is!” Then again, knowing the average self-insert reader, they probably will.
…
> All of a sudden there was this pink pony with curly pink hair coming at me and I'm like hello pony!
Did Tommy Wiseau write this?
…
> She didnt say anything she just looked at me all lusty and I introduced myself.
So, either Michael exudes raw sex appeal or Pinkie is a slut. Probably both.
…
> I am Lightning Thundercrash,
Really? You might as well have gone with Chad Thundercock.
…
> I was a normal human teenager but now Im a pony in Equestria!
“Because you’re so familiar with humans, right?”
…
> Her eyes got wide and she's all Wow youre so awesome you look like such a badass!
This sounds like the kind of story that a wannabe cool kid would tell back in fifth grade.
…
> I was just like nodding my head like yeah who runs this place?
Don’t you watch the show?
You recognised Canterlot, shouldn’t you know about Celestia and Luna too?
…
> Shes all Celestia and Luna the princesses
Again, this isn’t so much “dialogue” as it’s a retelling of something that, like, totally happened, man, but I didn’t take any pictures, so you have to believe me.
 
 
 
…
> Im like I have to defeat them to become KING OF EQUESTRIA!
Though in concept you are right, why do you want to be King of Equestria?
…
> I put the pink pony on my back and flew to the canterlot castle and kicked down the door with my strong leg.
“Let’s go bring down the diarchy so we can establish a monarchy, Pinkie Pie!”
…
> I yelled CELESTIA WHERE ARE YOU IM HERE TO BECOME KING OF EQUESTRIA.
“DO I HAVE TO SIGN SOMETHING?”
…
> There was no answer so i used my magic to find celestia
I know that you’re supposed to be using the “best magic in the land”, but wouldn’t have been easier to just ask someone?
…
> who was in another room making out with Luna
It’s at this point that I realise I may be reading the most brilliant piece of satire in all of FiMFiction, intentional or not.
I dare all of you to find a piece that mocks so openly every aspect of bad storytelling.
This is so full of clichés it transcends them; it goes beyond them and becomes something of its own. I am less than four hundred words in and I’m already laughing hysterically.
…
> and Im like aw shit thats hot but I have to defeat you both now.
So says the destiny that has been imposed on you, Lightning Thundercrash.
…
> I blasted them apart with my magic horn
So, you blasted them apart with your magic, or with the horn itself?
…
> and slapped them with my wings and hen
Didn’t you have bat wings? When did you become a hen?
…
> I kicked Celestia in the gut and pushed her into luna, who I kicked in the gut also.
“Then they fell to the ground, which I also kicked.”
…
> I defeated both of them and went to my throne
Where you settled as the King of Equestria, I presume.
…
> until the pink pony stopped me and she like you cant be king of equestria you have to defeat ALL OF US!
“How can you reign over us if you haven’t royally beaten the hell out of us?”
 
 
 
…
> Pinky pie showed me all of these ponies from ponyville behind her and said i had to defeat all of them and im like yeah bring it on.
Truly, no challenger is a match for Lightning Thundercrash.
…
> Rainbow dash came flying at me and i kicked her in her lesbian globes.
What globes are you talking about, and what about them is lesbian?
Are they her eyes? Crotchtits?
…
> Then twilight sparkle came at me and i headbuted her across the room
Normally I would advise against head-butting someone that has a large horn protruding from its forehead, but hey, this is Lightning Thundercrash we’re talking about here.
…
> and i was like IM THE MOST MAGICAL BITCH!
Hey, you called yourself that, bitch.
…
> I hit fluttershy in the face with my hoof and she cried as I ate her bunny riht in front of her.
I am going to assume “eating her bunny” is actually an euphemism for oral sex and you can’t convince me otherwise.
…
> I paused for a second to have sex with rarity and then i kicked her too with my magic blast
Ever the gentleman.
…
> and i ate applejack because she is an apple after all.
Ok, admit it. Which one of you wrote this?
Who created a fake account just to post this story?
…
> i also threw pinky pie put the window and she screamed as i sat on my throne. I was the KING OF EQUESTRIA!!!
How could have Pinkie Pie screamed as you sat on the throne if she was falling out of the window?
…
> For my first order of busines I said that every pony in equestria has to learn how to use a gun and shoort things with it because now all ponies have to be badasses just like me Lihtning thundercrash.
I don’t know enough about American politics to make an informed assumption, but is this supposed to be a jab at Republicans or Democrats?
 
 
 
…
> I got the biggest gun because i was the king and it was red and black
So he ended up being a red and black alicorn either way.
…
> and shot lihtning and fireballs
I was hoping you’d ignore physics and say that it shot thunders, if only so you could say “You’ve been Thundercrashed” every time you fired at someone.
…
> and i would use it against any pony who tried to take my throne from me
And what would happen if Spike or Zecora tried to take over your throne? They’re not ponies.
…
> Then i gave rainbow dash a big black gun and she already knew how to use it because shes a lesbian.
I can’t even mock this; it’s already mocking something else.
Are there people out there who actually believe this?
…
> I gave pinky pie a chainsaw because that bitch was crazy and she could saw everything and it would be awesome.
At least there was no Cupcake mention.
…
> I gave fluttershy a squirt gun that shooted water cause she cant do anything else.
Kindness has no place in the reign of Lightning Thundercrash.
…
> Then i gave rarity a sniper rifle becasue she can kill people from far away and she wouldnt have to get dirty of anything
Is it wrong that I think this is a good idea?
…
> and she really liked it and offered to make out with me because she was so happy but im like no bitch i have to run a kingdom.
Don’t you just hate when beautiful mares throw themselves at you?
…
> And then i gave twilight sarpkle a handgun with a silencer because she wanted to be like a secret agent and im like okay thats pretty badass here take this handgun with a silencer.
She can teleport ponies on top of volcanoes, why should she need a gun?
…
> Last but not least i gave applejack a hunting rifle cause shes a southerner and really good at hunting things like apples.
“Aye, I remember when the wild packs of apples roamed freely through the plains of Equestria.”
 
 
 
…
> Then i had everyone all gunned up and i told the rest of equestria to WATCH OUT CAUSE YOUR KING WILL KILL EVERYONE WHO REVOLTS!
Violently threatening a group of people guarantees a bright future! Just take a look at any brutal dictatorship in the history of Earth.
…
> I got to stay in the castle the whole time and celestia was my own private sex slave and i got to keep her all the time for myself and she really liked it because it was me and i was the greatest of all time ever.
Sure it was pal. I wonder what he did to Luna, though.
…
> I got luna to cook for me all these yummy ass foods and i ate all of them and i ate all of the cakes in front of celestia and that bitch didnt get any.
Get it? Because Celestia loves cake!
…
> They were so tasty cause luna made hem and shes a really good cook and she lovd to cook for me because i was the king and it was an honor
Sure she used to rule Equestria, but here we see that cooking was her true calling in life.
…
> And so I got to be king of equestria forever and it eas awesome and i was immortal.
Happy end?
…
> Meh meh meh i need a thousand words blah blah la la la there we go i think
He had 1005 words before writing this line.
…
Well, that’s it for King of Equestria, and I’ve got to say I loved it.
I really did, whether it was intentional or not, this is a story that didn’t take itself seriously and managed to play a lot of common self-insert clichés in a way that resulted humorous.
At least to me.
