Title:           LtD 95-96 pt 1
Author:          notkickass222urmom
Pastebin link:   http://pastebin.com/eaN3jt3k
First Edit:      Tuesday 16th of September 2014 12:52:40 PM CDT
Last Edit:       Tuesday 16th of September 2014 12:52:40 PM CDT

>>Chapter 95 - Part 16
…
> but he was a good colt, I promise you that.
Well, if you compare it to the parents, of course your impossibly alive child is good.
…
> His name was Blade, a name I've always thought about.
Ugh… Could be worse, I guess.
…
> Why? I'm old, get over it.
Why is “Living the Dream” so shitty? Kickass222urmom doesn’t care about quality, get over it.
…
> He was a thoughtful pony, I loved him.
That’s quite an accomplishment for a pony that shouldn’t be born.
Ok, I’ll let this go for the sake of finishing. Maybe the Nightmare helped speed up the gestation period to just a month or so, and also made their son grow up more quickly, whatever.
…
> “Skipping ahead to the day Nightmare Moon was cast away.”
This is a weird way to phrase that bit of dialogue, Bleak.
…
> You see, after she was banished to the moon, that only left me, her lover, and her son, Blade.
But, seeing how you were also banished for a thousand years, and were out and about at most a year after Luna was released, there’s no way you’ll be around for too long, especially not to see your son grow up and have grandchildren.
…
> Princess Celestia took mercy on us and banished us from Equestria.
They… banished your son too?
…
> I left with my son and set up a home a few hundred miles from the Equestrian boarder.
Oh. So they were actually banished, as in the traditional sense of the word “banished”.
I… Did not see that coming, and is actually a better explanation for the whole family thing.
It still doesn’t make up for the sheer idiocy of the rest of his backstory, though.
…
> We lived there for a long, happy century.
Seeing how there can’t be a non-dark and edgy backstory, I’ll assume the next nine centuries were spend wallowing in misery.
…
> But our peaceful life was interrupted by the progress of society.
I love how he says that as if it was a bad thing. “We were alright until those damn ponies came here to grow and prosper.”
 
 
 
>>Chapter 95 - Part 17
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> You see, a town was built a few miles away from our cabin.
They must have built that overnight, otherwise you could have simply packed things up and gone somewhere else.
…
> And the ponies there all seemed interested in us
And this is a bad thing, how?
Really, if they’re interested in you after all the things you did, you might as well could have started working your way back into society.
…
> not because of who we were, but because of my cutie mark...
It just dawned on me that I don’t know what Bleak’s cutie mark is. It was covered by his wings on the awful OC generator art.
http://i1094.photobucket.com/albums/i456/kurtisawsome/MrBleak-1.png
…
> a cutie mark given to me by Nightmare Moon.
But… That’s not how cutie marks work.
…
> I then turned and raised my wings to show Lance my cutie mark. I always keep it hidden from everypony
“I accomplish this by only wearing a vest that covers my body up to my waist, just above my cut—Oh, no.”
…
> I don't want them to know who I am... or who I was.
Since nobody remembers you, I don’t think they can make a connection between your cutie mark and your crimes against the world.
…
> My cutie mark is a grey shield with Nightmare Moon's head on it and a crescent moon below it.
> http://i1094.photobucket.com/albums/i456/kurtisawsome/trishield.jpg
So… Nightmare Moon basically branded Bleak like cattle.
…
> "Due to this, my son found a mare...”
Yeah, you may want to clear up that sentence, it seem as if you’re saying your cutie mark caused your son to fall in love.
 
 
 
>>Chapter 95 - Part 18
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> a mare I did not approve of
Out of the many possible reasons Bleak could have to disapprove the relationship, many of which would be firmly planted in dickery, he chooses this:
…
> She was mortal, and I knew if my son fell in love with her, he would only be hurting himself.
Would you look at that, an actual sensible reason.
I am pleasantly surprised for the second time in this chapter; then again, I also had a rage fit.
Let’s see how bad can things get before the chapter is over.
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> That is why I've never fallen or even tried to fall for another pony.
And you didn’t even try to patch things up with Luna once she returned. I guess you got used to the loneliness.
…
> My son and his wife had a foal, Starch. They loved him, and I grew to love him over the years.
And now the family is complete. Time for disaster to strike!
…
> The day came that she died of old age, and my son, he was still his normal self.
Well, if Blade was willing to start a relationship with a nameless mare, then he must have comprehended the consequences of his actions, right? After all, he couldn’t be that dense.
Right?
…
> I left the house, I wanted to give him time to mourn over his lose, I took Starch with me.
Oh, sure. Take away his only son while he’s grieving. It’s not as if this is a tense moment in which they need the support from their family.
…
> “but when we returned... my son was dead."
Ok, let’s backtrack for a moment here...
Bleak is an eldritch abomination older than the world itself, by all accounts he’s proven to be immortal, or at the very least supremely resilient.
Judging by how things went down at Pleasant Fields, Starch is also very powerful.
So, are we to assume that OP’ness skipped a generation? How could Blade die?
…
> "He had hung himself...”
This is… severely underwhelming, to say the least.
I expected something more dramatic, or even remotely interesting.
 
 
 
>>Chapter 95 - Part 19
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> but he left me a note.
“This totes sucks, Imma go reunite with my wife; take care of the kid, dad. kthnxby”
…
> 'Dad, I should have listened to you when you told me not to marry her. But you was wrong about one thing, I do not regret it. I love her with all my heart, and that still doesn't cover how much I love her. I'm sorry to say this, but I can't go on living forever without her. Father, I am sorry. I love you.
Not even a mention to his son, that’s cold.
I guess that’s why Starch spends his time picking up women at bars; he saw how close his parents’ relationship was and how that ended, so he decides to take a laid back and disinterested approach.
…
> I turned away and began to wipe the tears out of my eyes. This was to emotional for me.
The emotion must have been clouding his storytelling skills, because I don’t feel anything.
…
> "Sorry about that Lance, I will now continue”
There’s more? God damn it…
…
> I was left to take care of Starch, even if he didn't need my help.
Yeah, who needs emotional support after the death of their parents?
…
> He was pretty strong on his own, but he had a flaw.
A flaw? That would make him far more complex than all of the other OC’s combined.
…
> He had mortal blood in him.. he was born a Pegasus, a normal pony almost.
I guess the only thing he inherited from his dad and grandpa were the god awful looks.
…
> Luckily, he kept the trait of immortality.
What? No. Wait, what? No.
What?
Starch is immortal but Blade isn’t? That doesn’t make sense! How the hell would that work?
Is immortality recessive; is that what you’re implying?
Then again, he said he ‘kept’ the trait of immortality, so Starch must have gotten it from his dad.
Who died.
Does Kickass222urmom know what immortality means?
…
> He was a great stallion to have around, but he was like his father.
Incapable of thinking ahead?
 
 
 
>>Chapter 95 - Part 20
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> Always trying to find a lover, he even got a cutie mark for it! Can you believe it?! A cutie mark for dating mares!
Lance got a cutie mark for getting beaten up, so I believe it.
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> we lived out there in my old house for a while, but finally, I decided it was time to come back to Equestria.
I don’t think that’s up to you to decide. You were banished by Celestia for aiding Nightmare Moon in taking over and killing thousands.
…
> It was easy enough, the Princess forgot about us, at least, I hope she has.
“That alicorn that was on this world since before my sister and I arrived, who served as our bodyguard for a long time, joined my sister’s ranks when she was corrupted, was responsible for thousands of deaths, had a child with my sister, and I banished? Nah, doesn’t ring a bell.”
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> I found a nice town, I already forgot its name.
If you didn’t care enough to remember the name of the town, why should I?
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> We settled down in it and stayed for a while, at least half a century, but then the residents became suspicious of us.
It took half a century for the townspeople to become suspicious of you?
It must have been a very distracting period.
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> It was fun though, but not full feeling.
Not full feeling, just partially feeling.
…
> "Over a hundred years ago, Starch and I broke apart. No, we didn't fight, we just decided to take our own paths in life.”
Then why did you say that you broke apart? That seems to carry more weight.
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> I just recently moved to Ponyville, and when I say recently, I mean thirty seven years ago.
So, what did you do when Nightmare Moon returned and appeared in Ponyville? Or did you conveniently sleep in that day?
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> Now, I enjoyed my peace for a while, but then you bronies showed up.
Well, I can’t argue with that.
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> I didn't pay you much attention, but I knew you were not a pony. I knew you were a human
And, do pray tell, how do you know what a human is?
 
 
 
>>Chapter 95 - Part 21
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> I just didn't sense anything of worth in you.
You can say that again.
…
> But, a few days later, I saw you again, but this time, I sensed a great power coming from you.
To keep it short, he’s talking about the energy Lance got from being in the presence of God.
…
> Now think back, I actually helped you a few times through out your stay here in Equestria.
Outside of the Pleasant Fields situation, the unsurprisingly unimportant Violent Inferno incident, and that one time they fought thugs in the schoolhouse, I can’t remember a single time Bleak was “helpful”.
…
> "I've done my best to keep you out of harms way, and I had fun doing it."
Change “out of” for “in” and you’ll get a more accurate representation of Bleak’s intentions.
…
> "WAIT! If you were watching over me, then why didn't you help me when Frederic's father attacked us?!"
Because Kickass222urmom hadn’t come up with Mr. Edge, yet.
…
> "Lance, I knew you could handle yourself. So I didn't intervene.”
You keep talking, but all I hear is “copout, excuse, excuse, and pretext.”
Ok, I’ll buy that you were just seeing if Lance could defend himself, but what about the rest? Greg and several others were sent to the hospital, and it’s not that I care, but it seems that you could have saved the rest a lot of pain.
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> You went from being the weak pony who couldn't defend himself to a stallion who can fight off a crowd of stallions
And it’s all thanks to lazy writing and ass-backwards plot points.
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> But, I'm sad to say you are still weak, compared to a lot of beings out there.
This is all the justification we’re going to get as why there can be beings even more powerful out there.
There just are.
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> When you became a small colt, and went to school, I couldn't believe it.
You couldn’t believe that Kickass222urmom kept coming up with random plot hooks to keep the story going?
 
 
 
>>Chapter 95 - Part 22
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> When I first saw him, I couldn't believe it. I sensed something in him, something only a Alicorn should have.
Wait… Is Bleak trying to say that—
…
> “Lance, I'm very sure Spark has the ability to use magic."
I suppose this counts as a plot twist around here.
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> "What?! How is that even possible?!"
The guy writing this is a hack that can only structure a story using clichés.
…
> "Because, your a human, but your also part Pegasus, Reptile, and part Zebra.”
You mean the snake eyes are ‘actual’ snake eyes? Jeez…
Also, I have another line to add to the ever increasing list of “Sentences that show everything wrong with ‘Living the Dream’.”
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> Now, Spark's mother is Twilight Sparkle, the most powerful mortal unicorn alive.
Not that you could have known that from reading this story, seeing how the only thing Twilight has done is orbit around Lance and give birth to Spark.
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> I can not really explain this
“Man, I really think I’m stretching things. How is this supposed to work? Eh, fuck it. If I don’t know, then neither do the characters.” –Kickass222urmom.
…
> somehow, Spark has taken some, if not all, of yours and Twilight's traits.
I am not a hundred percent sure that’s how genetics work…
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> He is very unique, a one of a kind.
Yes, that’s what “unique” means.
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> He will grow up to be something special, I can promise you that Lance.
And I hope we don’t get to see that.
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> "Anyway, I've been wanting to tell you this Lance. I've taken it upon myself to be Spark's protector.”
Did you really need to tell him all your backstory for that? Specially the part about how you were attracted to a very young Luna and Celestia?
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> I will keep him out of harms way, even after you and Twilight are no longer around to be there for him.
On one hand, I guess this is a nice gesture; on the other one, Spark is Lance’s son, harm will follow him wherever he goes.
 
 
 
>>Chapter 95 - Part 23
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> “I only ask you this, do you approve?"
You actually care about his opinion? You seemed very firm just a couple of sentences ago.
…
> "You can call me Darkest if you want, my full name is Darkest Bleak."
Isn’t that a bit redundant? Bleak already implies darkness.
…
> "Okay... Darkest, I give you my approval.”
No need to ask my wife.
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> "Lance, […] I have never had a real friend, just ponies trying to be my friends.. but Lance, I'm proud to call you my friend."
It’s a pity to wreck such a nice record.
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> "Mr. Bleak, I'm glad your my friend too..."
Well, the alternative is having him as an enemy.
Hmmm… Tough choice.
…
> Awkward silence.
> I chuckled, "Whoa, we just killed the mood."
No you didn’t. The only reason the “mood” was ruined was because the narration said so.
…
> "I guess we did. First its all serious, then we're getting emotional. Funny shit man."
Sans the “funny” part, I agree.
…
> Lance's POV
Oh, good.
I was worried we’d never go back to our dear protagonist.
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> I sat down on the bed and sighed, "Wow, that's a lot to take in."
Yeah, who could have thought that Bleak was even more awful than previously thought?
…
> [I know, who would have thought he went through all that?]
> <I feel sorry for him.>
Oh, it’s you.
Spending almost a full paragraph without you made me realize how much I miss you.
Nothing, nothing at all.
…
> I stood up and looked around, "I guess I should go talk to Spark."
“Hey, son! The creepy pedo guy is going to take care of you once mom and I are gone. I guess that means Fawn will go back to the orphanage then.”
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> I can't write anymore
Don’t get your hopes up.
…
> I read Purple Blazes blog: This link. I'm no longer in the mood...
> http://www.fimfiction.net/blog/15592
No, he ended up not killing himself, or maybe he postponed the date.
 
 
 
>> Chapter 96 - Part 1
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> Title: Spark in the palace
I wonder if this will mark a shift in focus in the story from Lance to his son.
They’ve been building him up for a while, in a ham-fisted and uninteresting way, but it’s been there.
Either way, I welcome this change. As long as we no longer follow Lance around, I’ll be happy.
Unless Spark turns out to be a bigger evil than his father, but only time can tell.
…
> I must say this now. Spark may be able to us magic, but he can only do one thing: Telekinesis.
Seeing how that’s the one way every unicorn uses their magic, outside of fringe cases like Twilight’s extensive knowledge and Trixie’s stage magic, was this really necessary to say?
…
> He may be able to do more later
Get ready for Spark Greenfield, saviour of the universe
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> but that's all I'm giving him.
Sure…
I know for a fact that there are still two forms left for Lance that haven’t been introduced, but I’m sure Spark will only have telekinesis.
…
> Why did I just tell you all this?
Because you are incapable of properly conveying ideas through the story itself?
 
 
 
>> Chapter 96 - Part 2
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> Well, I kinda didn't want to read comments saying I'm making Spark a mary-sue, because I'm not.
I’m sorry, I just—Yeah, he’s being sincere, at least I think he is.
Ok, listen Kickass222urmom, I don’t think you’ll ever read this, unless the other Anons are planning on sending this to you at some point, and even if you do find out about what I’ve been doing, I doubt you’ll reach this part.
Either way, I just wanted to say something.
Kurt, you’re a god awful writer. That isn’t really that bad, not everyone has talent, and I encourage everyone to do their best.
The problem is that you don’t care. You continuously refuse to improve your storytelling skills, you don’t try to make the characters interesting in any way beyond the superficial, and from what I’ve gathered from the themes of your fic, you’re probably an awful person as well.
But up to a point I thought you were aware of this, but seeing you say that you are NOT making Spark a Mary-Sue despite that he’s growing to be a shining example of it just like his dad is downright embarrassing.
Unless you mean to say that you’re not turning Spark into a Mary-Sue because you’re going to turn him into a Gary-Stu, in which case I’d agree with you.
…
> You will also notice something. When Spark is with Lance and Twilight, he acts confident and happy, but when he's with others, he acts more mature and less confident.
This way, we know without actually having to be told through the story.
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> Just like me XD....
The only way “Kickass222urmom” and “mature” can be used in the same sentence would be if “is not” was between them.
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> I need to stop putting my flaws in those characters, do you agree?
I think you just need to make real characters instead of the bland caricatures you tend to use.
 
 
 
>> Chapter 96 - Part 3
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> "And that pretty much sums it all up." I said, finishing up my explanation of what Mr. Bleak told me about Spark.
“The miasma that surrounds me got into Spark, sorry about that.”
…
> Twilight had a shocked look on her face, but it soon formed into a happy smile,
Thank goodness, we almost had conflict for a second.
…
> "So, Spark can use magic?!"
Of course, being a Zebrasus is not unique enough for a main character.
…
> I shrugged, "I guess."
“I mean, it’s not as if I was explicitly told so by someone who knows more about this stuff than me.”
…
> Spark was jumping up and down happily, "Does this mean I'll be like mom?!"
I’m sorry, Spark.
But for you to be a pale shadow of a great character, you need to be one first.
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> "I hope so, I want to teach you so many things!"
“Lesson One is how to stay in the background and stay out of the way.”
…
> I chuckled and stood up, "Hang on there Twi, I don't want our son to be into this magical stuff so soon."
Misogyny aside, why not?
It seems like it would be nice for Twilight and Spark to bond. God know we’ve hardly seen anything like that happen.
…
> "But Lance! I've always wanted to have a foal I could teach magic too, and now I can! You have to let me, please!"
This is just pathetic…
Twilight is begging Lance for permission to teach magic to her son?
What the hell is wrong with Kickass?
…
> I walked over and put my hand on her shoulder
Right, he’s still a human.
Is that ever going to be resolved?
…
> "Twi, you can teach him to use it, just please keep it to low level spells. Okay?"
How gracious of you, Lance.
…
> She smiled happily, "Don't worry honey, I wouldn't teach him something to advanced."
Odd, seeing how Twilight would probably seize the opportunity to shape her son into a prime magic user.
Then again, who knows what goes through the mind of this particular unicorn.
 
 
 
>> Chapter 96 - Part 4
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> I looked at Spark and rubbed his head, "Hold up buddy, I want to take you somewhere first."
Are you taking him to a better fic than this?
…
> "The Palace." I answered simply.
“Obviously, haven’t you been paying attention?”
…
> “I think I should talk to Frederic about this."
Asking for an opinion from one of your friends?
Well, would you look at that, Lance is acting like a normal human being for once.
…
> "Why not Princess Celestia? Wouldn't see be a better source of information?"
Twilight! What did I tell you about making intelligent and insightful remarks?
Still, I believe Lance is looking for someone to talk to, not really get information since Bleak basically spelled everything out for him.
…
> "I don't know, I may go to her if Frederic can't help me."
Then again, I may be wrong and I accidentally thought there was some logic behind Lance’s actions.
My bad.
…
> Twilight sighed, "Go to her first."
> "But I..."
> Twilight gave me a stern look, "Go to her first!"
It saddens me that we only see Twilight be firm in things that are ultimately inconsequential.
…
> I sighed in defeat, "Fine. Come on Spark, lets go see Uncle Frederic."
Geez, what an ass.
“Okay, honey, you win. I’m still doing what I originally wanted, regardless.”
…
> Before I could open it, I heard Kara squawk unhappily. I turned to see her holding her wings up to me, a sad look on her face.
Poor Kara, she just wants to feel included. Do you know who else would like to feel included?
Freaking Fawn.
You know, the orphan Lance adopted and now just dismisses at every chance he gets?
…
> Twilight yelled out to me. "Remember, Princess first!"
> I sighed, "Sure thing Twi." I closed the door and smiled down at Spark, "We're talking to Frederic first."
“That’s something else you must learn, son. Your mother has no authority.”
…
> He snickered, "Good one dad."
Great, lil’ abomination has already learned not to obey his mom.
