Title:           LtD 95
Author:          notkickass222urmom
Pastebin link:   http://pastebin.com/cTtv59AZ
First Edit:      Monday 1st of September 2014 07:38:34 AM CDT
Last Edit:       Monday 1st of September 2014 07:38:34 AM CDT

>>Chapter 95 - Part 1
…
I remember back when I was in School and I’d spend the whole summer relaxing and having fun, only for classes to start again and feel how dread and desperation took over me.
This is how I feel every time I open a new chapter of Living the Dream.
…
> Title: The Story of Mr. Bleak
Ah, our least favourite Eldritch Abomination is back for some background info.
Buckle up, kids. We’re in for some god awful world building and equally horrible lore.
…
> Quick note: This first scene was written late at night... so it isn't the best.
And yet somehow I doubt it’ll be the worst.
…
> I was tired hahaha! But, its still kinda good.
I’d dare to say that since you weren’t fully aware of what you were doing, this part will be marginally better than the rest.
…
> *Groan*
Would you look at that, finally something we can relate to.
…
> I opened my eyes and sat up. I then rubbed my face. Oh man, this couch is uncomfortable!
It’s still better than the cold, hard ground in which you should be sleeping.
…
> I turned slightly to see Kara and Spark. D'awwww!
Just because you go “D’awww” every time you look at them doesn’t mean they’re actually adorable.
…
> Kara had her good wing over Spark and was snuggled up to him. So adorable! I looked over to Fawn, who's mouth was opened slightly.
Now, I’m not saying Kickass intentionally wrote Fawn away from Spark and Kara because he wants to isolate Fawn from his “real” family.
I’m saying he did it subconsciously.
…
> <*Yawn* Lance? What are you doing up at this hour?>
The real question is why is Dawn up.
It’s been shown that Lance’s whatevers are independent to a degree, and that they have their own sleep cycles.
…
> {I have to check on something.}
> <K, night.>
So this whole conversation was pointless.
We’re off to a great start.
 
 
 
>>Chapter 95 - Part 2
…
> I stood up slowly and popped my back. Oh yeah! That feels good!
Lance is still human, right?
Is that going to be addressed at all?
No? Ok.
…
> I then made my way to my and Twilight's room.
What follows is one of the most painful scenes in recent memory.
…
> Twilight was in the bed, making groaning sounds. Her right hoof was stretched out on the empty spot next to her, my spot. Her hoof was moving around, as if she was searching for something.
Twilight has become chronically dependent on Lance.
I think it’s safe to say that every aspect of her show version has been completely eradicated.
…
> She rubbed her eyes, "Yes... I haven't been able to sleep since you left."
“Nobody seemed to notice anything wrong with me, regardless. Then again, I don’t really do anything anymore.”
…
> I then held my arms out to her, "I think I can fix that."
And by ‘fix’, I mean screw beyond repair.
…
> "No Lance, you're being punished, remember?"
I commend you for trying to be firm, Twilight.
Now let’s see how things go Lance’s way in spite of that.
…
> I chuckled, "Come on Twi, I only want to help."
Lance, you are never helpful.
Never.
…
> She hung her head, then she crawled over to me, "Fine, you win."
Sadly, yes. Yes, he does.
…
> I smiled and wrapped my arms around her. She instantly relaxed, the tension in her body began to slowly leave,
I was only half joking about the chronic dependency earlier. This proves that Lance is like the worst of drugs.
He’ll destroy you, but you just can’t leave him.
…
> After a few minutes of holding her, I slowly stood up and sat her down in bed. When I began to walk away, she whimpered.
This is just painful.
If just getting a few meters away from Mr. Stu is enough to make her whimper, she must have been a wreck during the time he was away. You’d think any of the several friends Twilight has would have said something about it.
 
 
 
>>Chapter 95 - Part 3
…
> I then made my way into the living room. Once there, I picked up Spark and Fawn.
Speaking of whom, did they also experience withdrawal symptoms while their dad was gone?
Also, I know I give Lance a lot of crap for not taking care of his children, being interested in their development, or generally acknowledging their existence, but has Twilight ever been shown taking care of them as well?
…
> I yawned and scratched my back... I know this is bad timing, but damn! I love those boxers!
Not as much as Kickass222urmom loves irrelevant lines.
 
…
> [GO TO SLEEP LANCE!]
> I jumped at Break's sudden outburst.
As do I.
The consciences have different sleep patterns, that much has been established, so why is Break getting mad?
…
> The second my head hit the pillow, I let out a loud groan.
Oh, shut up and move to the next scene.
…
> The next morning, 9:38 AM
We wouldn’t want you to think it’s 9:40 AM, after all.
…
> "Good morning Equestria! This is White Noise and Grey Byte”
Oh, it’s the brony radio guys.
I have to say, for a couple of uninteresting OC’s, they’re at least somewhat aptly named for their job.
…
> This song began to play.
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Csqp-Mslq_c [Embed]
Wow.
First of all, how incredibly asinine is it to just say “this started to play” and link a song, instead of just saying that a song began to play, and have Lance react accordingly?
Second of all, they had the works of several Equestrian musicians to use, but they chose brony music?
Besides, how did they even get that into Equestria? Did God let them go back to Earth to download music from YouTube and then send them with all of that to Equestria? Why did he have that consideration with those two?
Did he also give them the equipment necessary to make a radio broadcast station in Equestria?
What the hell is wrong with God?
What the hell is wrong with everybody?
 
 
 
>>Chapter 95 - Part 4
…
> I opened my eyes to see the ceiling, but I could hear music... very familiar music.. from earth.
Boy, it sure is convenient that those two guys decided to play a song that Lance knew, huh?
…
> I looked over to the side of the bed to see a.. radio? What the hell?!
I know, right? It doesn’t make sense that Equestria didn’t have radios before.
…
> [Spark] smiled and crawled over, "It came in the mail a few days ago. Isn't it cool!"
Just imagine, this means that anybody can mass produce and send anything to everyone in Equestria.
I’m glad this hasn’t been used for edgier purposes in this story.
…
> Hmmm, bronies on the radio... yep, Equestria is screwed.
Uh… Why?
They may be a bit dumb, but they’ve brought a completely new technology that will revolutionise the country. Eventually more programs will pop up as this technology becomes available to everyone.
This is probably the single best thing ever done by bronies since this whole kerfuffle begun, or at least it is in comparison to all the things you and your band of merry men have done.
But, no. Equestria is screwed because two bronies started a radio station.
…
> Spark turned, "Race ya."
Spark still hasn’t learned that his dad is a cheating bastard? I guess they don’t spend enough ime together for him to know.
…
> I smirked and jumped over him, "Your on buddy!"
> "HEY! NOT FAIR!" I heard him yell from behind me.
These are the values Lance is teaching his son.
Poor Spark is doomed.
…
> Twilight turned and sighed, "Lance, could you at least put your clothes back on?"
I bet he could do that.
But the likelihood of that is almost as much as the likelihood of there being any interesting development on the next forty or so chapters.
…
> I looked down at myself, "What? I can't walk around in my boxers?"
While Lance is indeed an ass for parading around Deela’s house in his underwear, it shouldn’t be a problem, since ponies go around naked all the time.
 
 
 
>>Chapter 95 - Part 5
…
> Twilight chuckled, "No, no you can not. No matter how much I enjoy it."
Just for the record, this is what Twilight is currently watching: http://i1094.photobucket.com/albums/i456/kurtisawsome/HumanLance.jpg Only that in boxers.
And she considers that enjoyable.
…
> "*Sigh* Remember kids, don't do the things your father does." I heard Twilight say as I walked away.
“Your father is a horrible role-model that has done nothing of good since he arrived at Equestria. Who wants more pancakes?”
…
> *Knock knock knock*
> I stopped and looked at the door, "I got it!"
He’s going to answer the door in his underwear. There’s no way this won’t end in shenanigans.
…
> I then walked over to the door and opened it, "Yes.... Mr. Bleak?!"
Finally.
We’re almost halfway through the story and there was no sign of Mr. Bleak.
…
> The dude was still a little taller than me!
> http://i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/533/757/4d4.png
I am going to use that scale since is one of the most accepted.
It’s been said that Mr. Bleak is almost as tall as Celestia, who currently stands at 147 cm (4’10” for you imperialists). If Lance is “a little” shorter than him, that puts him at 140 cm approximately, this puts him 35 cm (18”) below the average height of a normal 18 year old.
…
> Mr. Bleak chuckled, "Good morning Lance... nice underwear."
I remember the days when Mr. Bleak was just a weirdo that gave off pedo vibes.
Those were good days.
…
> I grabbed a pillow and put it over my waist, "It's boxers, not underwear."
Where did that pillow come from?
Lance came from the kitchen and answered the door, he didn’t go back to his room, nor did he went to a couch to grab a cushion.
Do they just have pillows lying around in case of an impromptu pillow fight?
…
> Mr. Bleak laughed and walked into the house.
> I looked at him, "Yeah, just come on in."
As if you hadn’t done worse things.
 
 
 
>Chapter 95 - Part 6
...
> He looked directly at me and sighed, "Good, I'm going to tell you a story."
If he’s not looking forward to it, why should I?
…
> I groaned, "Why?! What's it even about?"
> "My life."
I don’t really want to know about Mr. Bleak’s dark and edgy past, then again, the option is more of Lance’s wacky adventures.
So, go on, Mr. Bleak.
…
> He nodded, "Yes, I've decided I can trust you”
Why?
What has Lance done to earn Bleak’s trust? I really can’t think of a reason why anyone should trust him.
…
> “just put on some clothes and meet me in your room."
Why in his room?
I may be a bit apprehensive about Mr. Bleak, since he gave off some really weird pedo vibes during the first five or so chapters in which he appeared.
…
> I then rushed into my room and quickly looked for my clothes... where are they?!
> [Behind you... dumbass.]
> I turned to see my clothes in a neat pile.
Was there a purpose to this part?
I suppose it serves to reaffirm that Break and Dawn have different environmental awareness than Lance, except for when it serves the plot.
…
> Hmmm, I wonder who washed them.
It was probably one of the females that orbit around you, looking to pleasure you.
…
> I quickly pulled on my clothes, but had a few problems.
Since the story doesn’t elaborate on those “problems”, you have to wonder why that was mentioned.
…
> Mr. Bleak walked into the room and closed the door, "Okay Lance, what I'm about to tell you never leaves this room, got that?"
This would be a good moment for Lance to make some sort of promise that carried some weight.
If only the show had an established way of making promises in a way that one couldn’t break it.
Oh, well.
…
> Mr. Bleak's POV
Uh… Why?
If Mr. Bleak is going to be telling the story, then wouldn’t it make more sense to have a flashback that would obviously be from his point of view?
So why is this line necessary?
 
 
 
>>Chapter 95 - Part 7
…
> "Okay Lance, do not interrupt me, got that?" I said, giving Lance a very stern look.
You’re just asking to be interrupted, Bleak.
And unsurprisingly, Lance does interrupt him.
…
> "A long time ago, around the beginning of the world..."
Sure, why not. Mr. Bleak was present at the dawn of the world.
I have the feeling things will be getting worse soon enough.
…
> "Like I was saying, I've been around since the beginning of this world, so has my brother.
Sure, let Burn Victim be there as well, what the hell.
I assume that means that the “Nightmare” he was trying to control is older than the world, then.
…
> We don't know how, or why we are able to live this long.
Convenient, since it lets that part go unexplained.
…
> “But, we think it's because we are both Alicorns."
Of course they are.
Why shouldn’t they be?
He’s an alicorn, his brother is an alicorn, Fred is an Alicorn.
Everyone is a God damned alicorn.
…
> "So... you are a Alicorn? But, where's your horn?"
Random guesses time!
Is it hidden? It broke off and you used sand paper to even it out with your skull? You lost it in an ancient ritual that was used to seal an evil being?
…
> "I will not bore you with all the details of what we did over the centuries”
“I’ll tell you the story of my life, but I won’t actually tell you about my life nor will it be a real story.”
…
> but I will say this: time has a way of making anypony, even brothers, hate each other.
I don’t think Time is to blame here, but rather the fact that you two are just awful.
…
> My brother and I hate each other, but, to tell you the truth, I don't fully know why.
That’s easy, you’re brothers.
…
> We fought over everything.
Of course you did, you’re brothers.
…
> This went on for a few hundred years, till finally, he snapped.
To be fair, I’d also snap if I had to deal with you for hundreds of years.
 
 
 
>Chapter 95 - Part 8
…
> He attacked me one night while I slept, and I would have died if it hadn't been for his knife.
“I’m going to kill my immortal brother who is as powerful as I am. A knife should do the trick.”
…
> I used his own knife to cut his wings off...
Ultimately, his brother was defeated by his own edginess.
…
> Sadly, that's not all that happened that night, in his rage, he managed to break off my horn.
Sadly, they didn’t kill each other and saved a lot of pain to everyone.
…
> That alone is one of the most painful things a male pony can go through.
I am going to give Kickass222urmom the benefit of the doubt and assume that he said that’s the most painful thing a male pony can experience, since the most painful thing a female can experience is probably giving birth.
Still, that recognition doesn’t make up for the rampant misogyny of this fic.
…
> "After that night, we went our own separate ways.”
Really?
And here I was thinking that the mutilation would have made both of you go over the edge (heh) and outright kill yourselves. I mean, it’s fairly obvious that you hate each other.
…
> I traveled alone for so long, I forgot what it was like to have a companion.
Ok, from what I’m gathering it seems that Bleak and Burn Victim were alone in the world for centuries.
Well, no wonder they hated each other. They were the only ones around!
…
> I grew to care for myself and only myself... moving away from that now.
Was there someone else you could have cared about? Because if there wasn’t then your statement is superfluous, but if there was someone else around, then that’s a completely different matter.
…
> I was there when Equestria was founded
So… How long has it been since you took your separate ways?
Must have been quite some time if three nations got to grew, have its own political issues, form an alliance and create a new country.
 
 
 
>>Chapter 95 - Part 9
…
> I watched it all take place from a hill. It was a great celebration
I know he’s supposed to be playing the role of the outcast, but I just want to know something.
Why? I’m sure you could have made your way into pony society somehow.
Hell, everyone accepted Lance, I’m sure you could have found someone to not hate you.
…
> I wasn't a citizen, I was a outcast, somepony who was nothing but a freak of nature.
Oh, that’s why.
Angst.
…
> The wilderness is a unkind mistress, Lance. Don't forget that. It can turn even the most loving of ponies into a heartless killer...
If only you didn’t have to stay in the wilderness.
Boy, it would be great if a new nation based on harmony, tolerance and friendship was just created. That would be amazing.
…
> I saw this many times.
You must be talking about yourself losing it, because you’ve already established that you were a loner and an outcast, and it would be a severe contradiction if you were talking about someone else.
…
> "A few decades pasted”
I didn’t knew you could make a collage with time, what kind of glue do you use?
…
> before there was a full on government in the land of Equestria.
This is something that I always wondered about pre-Royal Sisters Equestria, who ruled it?
Did they form a triumvirate to run things smoothly? Did they chose a single ruler and the other two races just had to roll with it?
I guess we’ll never know, since I don’t think this fic will give a decent answer.
Or just an answer.
…
> The first ruler was a unicorn
So that happened. Thankfully we’re glossing over the boring details of how a unicorn was chosen, how did the pegasi and earth ponies took it, were there revolts, and all of that uninteresting things.
…
> by the name of 'Golden Hoof'. He was a kind pony, but he was incredibly greedy.
A unicorn in a position of power is called “Golden” and is incredibly greedy.
Yeah, I’ll move on before things get too /pol/ in here.
 
 
 
>>Chapter 95 - Part 10
…
> Talk of a revolution began to spread through out the land.
You kind of have to wonder how anyone allowed unicorns in positions of power after that.
…
> But, before this could happen, two beings came down from the heavens and took over control of the land.
Yes, they are Luna and Celestia.
This doesn’t make the origins of alicorns any clearer.
…
> I did not know where they came from, or why, but what I did know was that I wasn't the only one of my kind anymore.
Excellent! That means the angst will be over!
…
> I felt I could finally be accepted into the normal life of a peasant pony.
It’s good to know you have modest aspirations, Bleak.
…
> Sadly, this was not to happen, because the same day I revealed myself was the same day I became the personal guard for the Princesses.
So the Princesses were fully aware of who you were and what you were.
How did they let you prance around in Ponyville beating the crap out of foals?
…
> Apparently, they felt safer being protected by another Alicorn...
If you’re already an alicorn, then why would you feel the need to be protected
…
> now that I think back, I should have been the king...
I guess your desire to be part of the peasants was short lived.
…
> forget that thought.
Yeah, ignore my desire to rule over Equestria. It’s no big deal.
…
> "Life was okay, I could get the best kind of food when ever I wanted. I could take a actual bath with hot water, and best of all, I could spend the day in the Princesses presence.
That’s nepotism for you.
…
> Now, I have to tell you this. They were much much younger back then
You mean that they were younger in the past?
Get out of here! Next you’ll tell me they’ll look older in the future.
…
> and I also mean they looked younger.
Really? I thought they would look all wrinkly and withered several millennia ago.
 
 
 
>>Chapter 95 - Part 11
…
> I may have had feelings for them
Ok, hold on.
I assume that when Bleak says that the Princesses looked younger, he means S1 Luna and pink haired Celestia.
I don’t want to believe he means younger as in ‘child’ young, because I was only partially joking with the pedo vibes
…
> but I couldn't act on them.
Oh, thank goodness.
Bleak is just a closet pedophile.
…
> It just felt to wrong, with them being so young looking.
And I thank you for taking the moral high ground for once.
…
> Well, a few hundred years went by and my feelings grew.
Oh, God damn it.
I don’t think “a few hundred years” is enough to make them look older, right? They’ve been alive for millennia, after all.
…
> I had trouble keeping them down sometimes...
Ok, seriously. Chill out with that, it’s starting to weird me out and not in the normal way this fic usually does.
…
> you know Lance, it sucks to have wings sometimes, they give off your feelings."
I really hope he doesn’t mean that he paraded around the Princesses with a raging wing-boner…
…
> Lance chuckled and nodded.
It takes one to know one, I guess.
…
> "You should know this better than most ponies Lance. Peace never last.”
“You should know about this, since you and your friends have the tendency to cause problems wherever you go.”
…
> “You know about the events of Nightmare Moon, am I correct? […]that's what the Princesses want you to know.”
Oh, boy. Political cover-ups and conspiracies, what a joy.
 
 
 
>>Chapter 95 - Part 12
…
> You see, it didn't last one day, that was made up by Princess Celestia so she could hide the horrible details from future ponies.
I assume she also convinced other kingdoms and cultures not to talk about that, right?
Because, even if you could somehow prevent all of Equestria from knowing that Nightmare Moon thing didn’t last a day, there’s no way other nations are going to ignore it.
Surely at some point ponies must have heard about the several days of darkness that happened during Luna’s rebellion from the Griffons, or dragons, or any of the other creatures they know.
…
> It actually lasted seven full months.
Are you kidding me?
How the hell can you cover up something like that!?
…
> Seven months with no sun light, and that my friend, was horrible. So much death...
Hell yeah, there were deaths, the entire world would probably die with no crops and no sunlight.
How the hell did Celestia keep that under wraps? Did she brainwash the few survivors?
 
 
 
>>Chapter 95 - Part 13
…
> Anyways, I too do not know how she became Nightmare Moon.
The hell you do.
It was the Nightmare, the one your brother wanted to release to control but it corrupted Luna instead.
You fought him over that when it happened, and got banished shortly after!
It was even brought up when you fought again back in Pleasant Fields, and that was three chapters ago, so even if you didn’t knew back then, you sure as hell know it now!
God damn it, Kickass222urmom, would it kill you to read what you write?
Speaking of inconsistencies how does Bleak’s grandson, Starch, fit in this discontinuity hell?
He’s also old as hell, and they mentioned Bleak’s son, Starch’s dad, died a long time ago as well.
All of that must have happened before Bleak was banished, and it was established that his banishment happened around the same time as Luna’s, so Bleak already had a family at this point in the story, and had had one for long enough to have a grandson that could fight alongside him.
That, in turn, means that Mr. Bleak had the hots for a young Luna and Celestia while he was married and had grandkids.
Sweet Jesus, what the hell is going on!?
…
> I walked into the chambers to see Princess Luna, but it wasn't really her. It was Nightmare Moon, and knowing me, I attacked her... why did I do that!
Aside from the awkward punctuation, I have to wonder why Celestia and Luna had you as their bodyguard if you’re so prone to attacking them.
I mean, you allegedly didn’t know what had happened to Luna, so you didn’t know if you could have actually hurt her.
 
 
 
Stupid character limit...
Oh, well.
This is as far as I can go tonight without giving myself an aneurysm.
This god damned fic, Anons. I had forgotten how gut wrenchingly awful it could be.
I'll do the rest of chapter 95 tomorrow.
...
God damn it...
----
 
 
 
>>Chapter 95 - Part 14
…
> "I'm ashamed of this next part Lance, I really am.”
It must be something pretty horrible to make you feel ashamed, considering that you told all of this with a straight face.
…
> During this very brief fight, something happened...
That “something” better be you realizing how contrived your existence is.
…
> she kissed me... she bucking kissed me!
Huh…
Wouldn’t that little incident make every encounter they’ve had since then very awkward?
…
> And my stupid feelings got in the way of my duties and I bucking joined her side!
Apparently, Bleak thinks having a marefriend is more important than the lives of literally everyone in the world.
…
> I still wish I had never done that... but I did and I will have to live with that forever.
Damn right, you do. Damn, Bleak is an asshole.
…
> I will leave out the details
How convenient.
…
> but we became lovers...
I wonder if this is why Bleak wasn’t invited to Luna and Fred’s wedding.
…
> horrible lovers.
Hey, if Lance can be a sexual dynamo, I’m sure you weren’t horrible.
…
> I actually enjoyed being that way, can you believe it!
Yes, yes I can. You’ve proven that you’re an awful pony, Bleak, I have no trouble believing that you enjoyed bringing misery and destruction to the world.
…
> “We... did things... unspeakable things."
“So there’s no reason to keep talking about it, really.”
…
> "Sit down boy! I do not want your sympathy!"
Then stop moping around.
…
> Her castle was out in the middle of the Everfree Forest, away from everypony else.
Technically, it was also Celestia’s castle, that’s why it’s called the castle of the Royal Pony Sisters.
…
> There was a few followers... but they were not the kind of ponies you want to be around.
A mass murderer is telling a conceited douchebag that cultists are not the kind of ponies one would want to be around.
 
 
 
>>Chapter 95 - Part 14.5
…
> I will now skip ahead to an important event
Why didn’t you do that since the beginning? Just give us the bullet points and let’s get over with this.
…
> the birth of my son.
If your son is only being born now, and you were banished around the same time as Luna, then when did you have a grandson who could fight alongside you?
 
 
 
>>Chapter 95 - Part 15
…
> Yes, my son was born of Nightmare Moon...
Gimme a moment, I just have to check something.
…
> "Darkest Bleak! What are you doing here?! Last we heard, you were banished from Equestria!"
> Mr. Bleak chuckled, "Yes, but that was over a thousand years ago! They've forgotten who I am."
I went back to chapter 88 to check that little part, and you may also remember this from a paragraph ago:
…
> It actually lasted seven full months.
Yeah, now that all the facts are on the table, I’m good to go.
KICKASS222URMOM YOU INCREDIBLY DENSE IDIOT! HOW THE HELL CAN NIGHTMARE MOON BE THE MOTHER OF BLEAK’S CHILD!?
Bleak was banished around the same time as Luna, since he clearly states that it happened “over a thousand years ago”. Therefore, he couldn’t have raised his son, much less his grandson, with whom he couldn’t possibly have trained for battle, nor had fond memories.
You know why else this doesn’t make sense?
Because this whole Nightmare Moon debacle only lasted for seven months, which means that even if Bleak and Luna had sex as soon as this whole mess started, it still would have ended before the child could be born.
And finally, wouldn’t there be at least some ponies who would know about what happened? Namely, Luna and her children and grandchildren.
After all, how do you keep secret something like that? Why didn’t Luna try to find out about her child once she returned from the Moon? Why didn’t she try to talk things through with Bleak once she found out he was released as well? Why did she so happily accept to marry Fred if she still had skeletons in her closet? Does she care that much about Fred, considering she has already left a lover and a family behind?
The answer to all of that is probably the same. Kickass222urmom doesn’t give a flying fuck about coherence.
Fuck. Him.
