Title:           LtD 54-58
Author:          notkickass222urmom
Pastebin link:   http://pastebin.com/YhZG0QvS
First Edit:      Wednesday 7th of May 2014 03:37:22 AM CDT
Last Edit:       Wednesday 7th of May 2014 03:37:22 AM CDT

>>Chapter 54 - Part 1
…
> Title: Crossover of consciences : KillJoy and Breaking Dawn
And we’re off to a shaky start. This seems to imply that there’s another person that has the exact same ability/mental disorder/plot contrivance that Lance. And it has an equally dumb name.
…
> Crossover with 'Three of Me Vs School Society' by Killjoy.
How many shitty self-insert universes are going to cross over with this already shitty self-insert universe?
…
> Graze
> [My conscience Kill writes in the brackets and bolded]
> <My conscience Joy writes in these and Italics>
> {I respond in these}
What? I thought that was how Lance and his other personalities talked.
…
> Lance
> [ My conscience Break writes in these bracket and bolded]
> < My consciences Dawn writes in these and italics >
> { I respond in these }
 
Are you serious!? You are using the same formatting for both of them? Do you really not see anything wrong with that?
The bracket thing is already annoying to read and stupid. Now we have to infer if it’s your consciences or the other shitty OC’s since you never give any indication as to who is speaking?
Why the fuck can’t you just write them as if they were other characters? What the hell is wrong with you?
The chapter hasn’t even started and I already want to bash my head against the wall.
…
> Graze's POV
You are writing a novel. You are supposed to use the narration to show who is speaking. It’s even the most basic thing anyone should know. Has Kickass222urmom ever read anything on his entire life?
…
> It was now morning and I had packed all my bags with clothes, supplies and some school books to study while in PonyVille.
So, this Graze guy seems to be a kid of school age.
…
> I looked at Ditzy who was a bit saddened to see me go, I hugged her and kissed her on the lips,
Yes, definitely a little kid.
 
 
 
>>Chapter 54 - Part 2
…
> I opened the door and allowed Ditzy to go first but to my surprise, there were a whole lot of ponies at my front door: Shot, Breeze, Ice, Vine, Light, Dark, Charge, Cross and Legit.
Ten.
Ten fucking OC’s out of the blue that we are supposed to know from having read the other story.
Well, guess what. I am not going to read it, because if “Living the Dream”, and this entire genre, is any indication, you are just jamming in OC’s of your ‘friends’ for the purpose of having them in Equestria and fulfill their stupid fantasies.
I know that the entire concept of a self-insert is already just wish fulfillment, but that only explains why it would appeal to the writer and those he has included in the story, and yet these stories have hundreds of upvotes and thousands of comments that consist of nothing but praise.
This is fucking unreal and unfair to anyone else who ever writes something that they take seriously. You are lowering the bar for quality so badly that it’s practically non-existant, and this enables the creation of more and more of this ass-quality fics.
Omnius, Killjoy, Kickass222urmom, self-insert writers, all of you can go to hell.
…
>" Graze! Why didn't you tell us anything!" Vine exclaimed.
Why does anyone withhold information in this universe? To create cheap dramatic moments.
…
> “Well why are you going?" Ice asked.
I think it’s because Kickass222urmom is running out of ideas, so he’s trying to drag his latest plot point with a four-part crossover.
…
> Somepony named Girokon, a pony I went against in a hoofball match with Breeze, you remember him right?"
I’m assuming Killjoy’s story crossed over with “Living the Dream” before this crossover happened.
And Lance did nothing but play toss and still use his stupid name. All in all, as useless as the last crossover, it seems.
 
 
 
>>Chapter 54 - Part 3
…
> Also, apparently some magical mishap caused him to have two consciences just like me but he is a bit inexperienced.... She wants me to teach him."
How convenient. A random spell backfired in such a way that enabled the condition Lance had to develop in a way identical to someone who has already mastered said condition. Said person, incidentally, knows Princess Celestia and is willing to help Lance.
Eeyup. How convenient.
…
>" Ha, Graze, I know you have the tendency to get injured and cause mass confusion wherever you go but take care, I won't be there to fix any broken bones, just be safe,"
And that’s as much characterization anyone is going to get. Moving on.
…
>"....It's fine... I'm just going to miss you that's all..."
He said he’s going for two days. What’s with the weeping?
…
> I then hugged the only mare of our group telling her it was going to be okay,
It’s the only mare of the group, and you’re just going to characterize her as chronically dependent. Great. Seriously, she just weeps for an entire paragraph until Graze hugs her and comforts her.
…
> I looked at the scroll and stomped on it, usually, it would be a green flame which would teleport the scrolls but for me, I used some black flames.
Is there a reason for this? Anything at all beyond just looking “cool”? No? Ok, I just wanted to check.
…
> I was teleported in the centre of PonyVille
Hey, remind why is he going to Ponyville. Lance, the Princess and everyone else is in Canterlot, wouldn’t it make more sense to go there instead?
…
> by a fountain where ponies would gather and relax.
While I’m sure everyone would be at least sort of used to seeing unicorns popping up every now and then, I think it’s safe to assume at least one pony would be freaked out by someone appearing in a puff of black flames.
 
 
 
>>Chapter 54 - Part 4
…
> [ Isn't that AppleJack?]
> < Nah, can't be! She is in school remember?>
Wait… what?
What I get from this is that Graze comes from a universe in which everyone is younger, but the fact that he thinks she should be in school means that he doesn’t know he’s in an alternate dimension, so what the hell? Didn’t he know about Lance & Co. beforehand? He must have surely known they came from an alternate reality.
And he knows this Celestia, they’ve talked to each other, that much has been established. He ‘has’ to know this is an alternate dimension, why is he acting as if it isn’t?
…
> " Why ah've never seen you here before, how do ya know muh name?"
> " Don't you remember me, it's me Graze, you know, Razor Graze!"
Oh, he’s just an idiot, then.
…
> {How does she not know me? And why is she here?}
> [Beats the fuck out of me]
Is your character supposed to be carrying the goofball indefinitely?
…
> " Ah, [Lance] lives way in Canterlot!"
> [ THEN WHY THE BUCK WAS I TELEPORTED IN PONYVILLE!?]
That’s why I want to know!
…
> < Wow, the awkward tension was sooooooo tight, you could fuck it>
Jesus Christ, this guy is even more obnoxious and sexually deprived than Kickass222urmom.
…
> I flew from PonyVille to Canterlot in only few minutes
Wait, so Ponyville and Canterlot are now next to each other? Have any of these two ever watched the show?
…
>"YO, Girokon, that you?" Said a voice that I barely remember.
You two have already met. Do you really think there’s any chance you’ll find anyone else who looks like him?
…
> Graze then smiled, "Cool, you do have two consciences, like me.
Hold on.
If Graze already had this two consciences thing going on, then how it comes Lance didn’t immediately recognise what was happening to him as the same that happened to Graze?
He discovered Break and Dawn in the same chapter that Graze is mentioned, so the crossover must have happened before that.
God damn it.
 
 
 
>>Chapter 54 - Part 5
…
> What's their names?"
Are! For fuck’s sake, are! I am sick of this, it’s been over fifty chapters, learn to conjugate verbs, you dolt!
…
> <Pleasure to meet you> Said Joy.
> [Sweet! Yo Break, whats up?] Said Kill.
If you ARE going to write the dialogue and the speaker, then the whole bracket thing is pointless.
…
>[Lance, walk over to Graze, I want to tell Kill something.] Said Break.
You spoke clearly less than twenty words ago and there didn’t seem to be a problem.
…
> Both of our hooves came up and slapped each others faces.
Oh, you wanted to make them punch themselves. I would have done the same.
…
> I looked back at Graze, "So, the Princess said you could teach me how to use them, or something."
Even though he’s clearly not in control of them. Funny Kickass222urmom would decide to undermine this character’s, and crossover, entire reason for existing just as they are introduced.
…
> I then smiled, "What to meet my wife?"
Oh, right. You had one. I forgot since it’s felt like forever since she’s been mentioned.
…
> Break then made a few pelvic thrust.
This OC’s make me want to give up on sex entirely.
…
> He looked at it and smiled awkwardly, "Ouch, that sucks. Where is your wife then?"
> I pointed down the street, "We're staying at my friends Dali's house."
And here was I, thinking that we’d never see Lance’s bestie ever again.
…
> Girokon and I walked down the street reminiscing on the day of the hoofball match," Ahaha hey Giro, remember when we had a food fight in the cafeteria?"
Cafete—? No, I don’t remember, what cafeteria? When did that happen? Why did Kickass222urmom do a crossover with another story and never bothered to mention that in his story?
 
 
 
>>Chapter 54 - Part 6
…
> Greg groaned loudly before opening his eyes. He blinked a few times and looked around. He was in some kind of hospital room, with David and Peter in two other beds.
They had to go to the hospital? Why didn’t Fred use his cure-it-all spell? Does it only work when Kickass222urmom has wrote himself into a corner?
…
> [Greg] smiled at her, "Thanks Pinkie, but like, where's my weed?"
You know, Greg? Maybe you can get a prescription for it, what with the crippling pain and all.
…
> David rolled over and groaned, "Do I get a party? I was hurt too."
> Pinkie Pie looked at him, "Are you Greg?"
> David raised an eyebrow, "No..."
> Her head snapped back to Greg, "Then no."
Well, it was bound to happen sooner or later. And even though it lacks the build up every pairing has in this fic, at least I can see Greg’s lone character trait working well with Pinkie.
Either that or I missed the point in which my sanity completely disappeared.
…
> Greg smiled, "I get all the bitches."
Haven’t you only got Pinkie and that one unnamed mare you said you had sex back when you were introduced?
…
>[ HEY! GREG IS A BADASS! HE SMOKES POT AND GETS BITCHES!] Break said protecting Greg.
[ REALLY?! GRAZE WE NEED TO VISIT GREG!!] Kill begged [ PLEASE!! I NEED TO GO!!]
These fucking personalities are making me lose my mind. Is there any real reason why they have to be a parody of Lance’s already parody of a personality?
…
> < Actually, it was because of Greg that we are in this situation> Dawn pointed out.
That’s true. But Break and/or Dawn said that they already existed in Lance’s subconscious since he was born? Wouldn’t have they found another way of manifesting themselves sooner or later? They ‘do’ have control of Lance’s body, after all.
 
 
 
>>Chapter 54 - Part 7
…
> “Honestly and I am sorry to say without Break and Dawn, you won't have survived."
Sadly, that is indeed the case. Break and Dawn are an asspull that exist entirely to justify the shonen~ish battle of chapter 53
…
> Both of Girokon's consciences were silent now realising how thin the line of life and death was drawn.
Oh, stop that, you’ve already died three times. What’s stopping you from coming back from the dead a fourth time?
…
>" But for now, let me tell you my story”
Well, let’s hear what Graze has to say for himself.
…
> there was this alicorn named ShadowBlade
Oh, my God. Is there any self-insert story written in the 2011 period that isn’t absurdly stupid!?
…
>[ Read Chapters Epic fight, Darkness Falls to Four Vs One for the entire story]
So, is this Break speaking? Kill? If you are using a nonsensical format for the way these characters speak, why would you use the same for an annotation?
…
>" WOW! A TRIPLE SONIC RAINBOOM!"
COME ON! At least ‘try’ not to be so dismally dumb.
…
> Girokon was amazed at my long story.
And, once again, the guest OC of the crossover glosses over his entire backstory, and just makes off hand comments about it, instead of directly telling us anything about the characters themselves as if to entice us to read the other stories.
…
> < Yeah... Just how powerful is Graze?>
As powerful as the plot demands it, I assume.
…
> He took down an alicorn the size of Iron Clad> Dawn said shocked.
Why are you referring to him as Iron Clad? You’ve had no problem calling him Fred for the last twenty or so chapters.
…
> [ Yeah, alicorns are tough as fuck! And, well truth be told, we did lose control for a bit] Kill admitted.
You still managed to take him down, right? I am sure it was a riveting tale.
…
>" NecroFlare Boom," I corrected him
What the hell is with these names? What’s next, Penumbra Mortis? Archane Psychosomatic?
 
 
 
>>Chapter 54 - Part 8
…
> something happened....something very special made me gain control over it.
I remembered that I am a one dimensional overpowered self-insert, and as such everything will always come out right for me in the end.
…
>" I saw my mom..." I said," She gave me direction when I was lost...
Sadly, Lance has too many mommy issues for that to work.
…
> I never knew what my cutie mark meant until a few days ago."
That’s not how cutie marks work. They’re the representation of the pony’s talent, their true calling in life.
…
> Girokon stopped in front of the house and opened the door," Welcome to Dali's house."
I am sure there is something about Deela you should have mentioned, Lance. Something important.
…
> As I had let out my hoof she bounced back in fear away from me," STOP! Don't touch!" She shouted in a weird incomplete sentence.
Nah, I’m sure it was nothing.
…
>" Just...don't touch her, it's against her culture, that only ponies who are very close to her can touch yet alone talk to her," Girokon said.
 
Oh right. That’s what it was, the fact that due to her culture she is timid to the point of it qualifying as a mental disorder. What the fuck Lance, do you really think so off-handedly of her? Next thing you’ll be taking her to a densely populated city.
…
>" Thanks Girokon," Dali said only paying attention to him.
Ok, sincere question. Am I reading too much into their interactions? Is Kickass222urmom really writing Deela as a puppy in love with his master?
…
>" So is this your wife?" I asked.
I don’t blame you for thinking that. It makes much more sense.
…
>" LANCE! I'M HOME!!" A familiar voice said and entered the room.... A pregnant Twilight.
Just how long has Twilight been carrying that baby? I already lost track of time.
…
> HOLY SWEET FUCKING CELESTIA! WHAT THE BUCK HAPPENED TO HER! SHE GAINED LIKE TWICE HER WEIGHT! THE FUCK IS GOING ON!!
But… She’s obviously pregnant, you said so yourself.
 
 
 
>>Chapter 54 - Part 9
…
> Now collecting my train of thought, I grabbed him with both hooves and carried him outside closing the door in front of the two mares.
That won’t be suspicious at all.
…
> I pushed Girokon against the wall of the house and shouted," WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!
Don’t think too much about it. I’ve been asking that myself for a couple of weeks now, and I’m not closer to getting an answer.
…
> WHY IS TWILIGHT PREGNANT?!
You see, Graze. When a bad writer loves a show very, very much, he’ll force his ideas into a terrible wish-fulfillment fantasy.
…
> AND WHY DID SHE CALL YOU LANCE!!"
See, this is the kind of troubles that could have been avoided if you just used your real name.
…
>[Breaking Dawn, won't help you against KillJoy] Kill stated turning a leaf of friend to foe.
That’s not what turning [over] a [new] leaf means.
Also, why is he getting so worked up over this? I mean, it is shocking to see Twilight pregnant, but this seems like an extreme over reaction.
…
>" CELESTIA HELP ME! IF I DON'T GET ANY ANSWERS....." I raised my hoof now covered in a black flame.
What the hell? Why would he react this way? Why does this matter so much to you as to go full auti—I mean, full Killjoy?
…
>" CALM DOWN! I will tell you everything, can you just please let me go?
Was that really so hard to do from the beginning?
…
> You are scaring Twilight and Dali
Aren’t they inside the house? Graze closed the door behind you, right?
…
> "Hold the fuck up! What do you mean, different world?"
You come from an alternate reality too, why is it so hard to understand that Lance comes from one as well?
…
> Our world ended, and we was given a choice. We chose to come here.
And apparently are still being given, if the latest OC’s are any indication.
 
 
 
>>Chapter 54 - Part 10
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> You see, your not from this dimension, you was brought here. We went to your dimension last time.
He… He doesn’t know?
How can he not know? What did he think happened during the other crossover? Did he saw the lot of you and just shrugged the whole thing off?
What about Celestia? It was this dimension’s Princess that contacted him, so what the hell?
…
> Think about this, Frederic is married to Princess Luna here, but where you're from, he's not.
There’s a Fred in Graze’s universe too? That’s… highly implausible.
…
> Think about this then, how could I get Twilight pregnant that fast?
It may have had something to do with the fact that she was smitten by Lance’s blandness since day one, and wanted the D ever since.
…
> I've been married to her for two months and she's been pregnant for about seven!"
Mark your calendars, only three to four months until the arrival of the spawn of Lance.
…
> "Hmmmm, I don't know if your telling the truth, or lying."
What the… how?
How could he be lying, you’ve met all of those people. And what did you expect the explanation for Twilight’s pregnancy be?
…
>"I believe you, why else would the Princess send me here."
Is there a single Celestia overseeing every existing universe? If not, then you should already know about the alternate universe you gigantic tool.
…
> "I just got back from the hospital, our friends are doing fine."
Any word on how the baby is doing? No? Nobody cares either? Alright.
…
>[Thank God? What's that suppose to mean? Its suppose to be thank Celestia!] Kill said a little annoyed.
Did you already forget the part where he said he comes from a different world?
 
 
 
>>Chapter 54 - Part 11
…
> I chuckled and turned to the door to see a certain mail pony and green pony, "Hey Derpy, hey Cody."
What?
What!? Is this the same Cody? “I want nothing but revenge on the wrong guy, even though it was my entire family’s own fault that they’re all dead” Cody? Wasn’t he thrown into a dungeon, never to be mentioned again? When did he go out? Why did he go out? He killed a dozen guards. Why is he delivering the mail with Derpy? Did he undergo some severe reformation process? Why did we skip over that?
Or is he supposed to be a new character? Then why is he named the same way as killer Cody? Did Cody even looked like that?
What the hell is going on!?
…
> I grabbed the package and looked at Cody, "I see you and Derpy are dating."
So this was nothing more than an elaborate ploy to make Graze feel jealous even though it’s a freaking different reality and it’s not the same Derpy he’s dating?
Still, why did you have to reintroduce Cody out of the blue/introduce a new character named Cody?
…
> "Uhhh, Graze? You okay?"
Hopefully this gives him a stroke and dies on the spot.
…
> I was enraged at the sight but my expression was blank,".....You dare call her Derpy... Do you know how much she was ridiculed in my school for that?"
No, he does not. Remember, Graze: Different. Reality.
…
> I looked at Cody," You dare love a mare and disrespect her with such a name?"
Since she doesn’t seem to mind, I don’t think you should take it so personally. Then again, when was the last time anyone cared about what mares thought?
…
>[ Note: In my fic, never was she called Derpy, I planned on sticking with Ditzy since it wasn't confirmed yet thus this outcome]
Also, this makes it seem as if Kill or Break were speaking. Your formatting sucks.
…
>[ DUDE DO SOMETHING!] Break shouted.
> < HE IS GOING TO MURDER CODY!> Dawn shouted.
How do they know that? It’d make sense if Kill or Joy are saying that, but how do they know that?
 
 
 
>>Chapter 54 - Part 12
…
> Cody stood up bravely with his answer," I LOVE HER AND HER NAME IS DERPY!"
Whether or not you are the same Gritty McEdgeson from thirty chapters ago, or you’re an entirely different Cody, I congratulate you on actually standing up for your partner. It’s more than anyone has ever done here.
…
> I snorted a hot breath of air like a bull," Wrong fucking answer."
Why in the name of fuck do you care so much? Derpy doesn’t care! If you think this is wrong, ask her! Why do you think you’re entitled to act on her behalf? Is this what happens when SJW are sent to Equestria?
…
> { Kill, take over.... No one messes with my mare not even in this dimension }
She. Is not. Your mare. This isn’t your dimension either! For all you know, everyone loved Derpy in this universe. Jesus Christ, for someone who claims to love Derpy so much, you care next to nothing about her opinion or stance in the matter.
…
> [ Break, this is something your going to have to learn... To fully take control Lance's body]
I thought Graze was supposed to teach Lance how to take control of his other personalities and not the other way around. Why would you want your extremely stupid personalities to have absolute control over your body?
…
> He guarded his face with his hooves as I repeatedly assaulted him hoof after hoof
Seriously!?
You have laughable impulse control. Has it ever crossed your mind that maybe in this universe she outgrew the Derpy thing and accepted her as part of herself? And that she allows him to call her Derpy as an affectionate nickname?
Of course not, you’re an asshole.
…
> WHAT! ARE YOU NOT GOING TO FIGHT BACK?! IF SHE IS YOUR MARE STAND UP FOR HER!"
You jumped on him and didn’t give him a chance to react before you started pounding him.
Why isn’t anyone doing anything?
 
 
 
>>Chapter 54 - Part 13
…
> I stopped my assault on his guarded face and with an enflamed black hoof, I punched straight in his gut.
Jesus Christ, you flaming son of a bitch. What the hell is wrong with you?
…
>" HER NAME IS DITZY! IF YOU LOVE HER, RESPECT HER!" I shouted at him.
“Ignore the terrible example I am setting!”
…
>[ NOPONY EVER WINS WITH A HEADBUTT!!] Shouted Break.
Why are you not intervening!? He’s beating the living hell out of Cody because he stood up for her mare?
Why isn’t Lance saying anything? Why isn’t Twilight stopping the fight with her magic? Why isn’t Derpy saying anything? Why is everyone a recalcitrant idiot?
…
> Ditzy shouted," CODY FIGHT BACK! DON'T LET HIM BEAT YOU!"
Ok, this should take Graze out of his trance and make him realise that he’s the douchebag here, and hopefully make him stop right—
…
> It tore me apart from the inside that the mare I had loved was not cheering me on, I was even more enraged.
Oh my G—SHE IS NOT YOUR MARE. She is a different pony from a different dimension. She has never met you! She is dating Cody out of Kickass222urmom’s free will, so for fucks sake, stop!
…
>" NO I WON'T GO BACK TO MY MURDEROUS WAYS!" Cody shouted still conscious.
WHAT!!??
That one is THE Cody!? What the hell? When did he come out? Why did they let him come out? Who deemed him fit of be part of Equestrian Society? Did he just say “I’m sorry I killed a bunch of ponies”? When did he got over his murderous urges? When did he stop blaming Lance for the death of his dad?
Why must Kickass222urmom gloss over the stories that are infinitely better than Living the Dream?
…
> I stopped my assault on him," Did you just say... Murderous ways?"
That was a very melodramatic way of outing yourself, Cody.
 
 
 
>>Chapter 54 - Part 14
…
> He gulped, the once badass Cody who had murdered countless Royal Guard ponies was now scared.
Wait, Graze knows about Cody’s past? And he still pounced him and started beating him unprovoked? What the hell, Graze?
…
> He was about to answer my question when I interrupted him choking him with one hoof.
I can’t believe the sheer awfulness of Graze is making me side with the serial killer.
If your character’s actions are making the audience sympathize with a former serial killer, then your character is not “good” by any definition.
He didn’t even let him respond.
…
> I looked at him and shouted," WE ARE PONIES! WE DON'T FUCKING KILL! WHAT THE HAY IS WRONG WITH YOU?!"
> He didn't answer
Do you think that may have something to do with you holding him bye the neck while you fly?
…
>" YOU CAN'T EVEN SPEAK WITHIN YOUR LAST SECONDS OF LIFE! FUCKING PATHETIC!"
I can’t even begin to express the anger I feel for this utter asshole.
…
> I intend to fucking end you. It's time some pony paid for their sins."
What happened to that whole “We don’t kill” thing you literally just said, you freaking hypocrite?
…
> " OH SHIT! IS HE ACTUALLY GOING TO DO IT?" Lance asked himself.
No shit, Sherlock. He’s only been beating the last living snot out of him while you stood there doing diddly squat. Fuck Cody at this point, I guess. But it seriously doesn’t irk you that the guy that is supposed to teach you CONTROL is showing a lack of precisely that quality?
…
>"Somepony help Cody!" Ditzy shouted.
I’m wavering, Anons. There is not a single redeemable thing about Graze. He is a complete douchebag from the moment he’s introduced. He has piss poor anger control, imposes his will on everyone, and has no respect of others.
What the hell were they thinking? This is the biggest son of a bitch I have ever had the displeasure of reading.
 
 
 
>>Chapter 54 - Part 15
…
> Ditzy began to cry as she saw cone thicken scared for her colt
Ok, this is Graze speaking. It’s first person narration. That means he realises that Derpy cares for Cody. And he still doesn’t stop. He is going to kill him in front of the mare he allegedly loves.
…
>" GRAZE REMEMBER! THIS IS NOT YOUR DIMENSION! THINGS ARE DIFFERENT HERE! YOU NEED TO CALM DOWN!"
Why do you think he cares? He obviously thinks his way of thinking is law, and is willing to enforce it violently, ignoring everyone else’s stance on the matter.
…
>" THAT PONY MURDERED?! AND YOU WANT ME TO STOP!"
Has it ever crossed your mind that if he’s not in jail, maybe he has been pardoned by the Princesses and has been deemed fit for him to get back into pony society?
No, of course it hasn’t. You’re a close minded asshole.
…
>" HE HAS CHANGED GRAZE! LIKE SHADOWBLADE AND LIGHT! JUST LOOK AT HIM! HE DIDN'T EVEN FIGHT BACK!"
And why didn’t we see his redemption? Why didn’t we read about the psychiatrists that helped him get better and break his mental barriers? Why didn’t we see the Royal Audience in which he was pardoned for his crimes?
Why does Kickass222urmom skip over every single thing that could be even remotely interesting.
…
> This is not your dimension.... She isn't the Ditzy you know... No pony here is the pony you know
You should have inferred that long ago, actually. What, with the completely different set of ponies and events that have transpired here.
And that it was explicitly stated that this was a different dimension.
 
 
 
>>Chapter 54 - Part 16
…
>" THIS IS NOT FAIR!
What’s not fair? You making assumptions about everyone else, or taking action in your own hands against people who don’t deserve it?
…
> WHY DO I HAVE TO SEE MY MARE GET DISRESPECTED AND I CAN'T DO FUCK!
A) She is not your mare; everyone has been repeating that for a while now.
B) She is not getting disrespected, she doesn’t seem to mind.
C) You can’t do anything because it’s not your place to act.
…
> " Graze.....
Is he aware that ellipsis are just three dots and not as much as there are on screen after you mash the dot key after two seconds?
…
> I'm sorry but you have to let it go....
If Lance “Girokon” Greenfield is calling you out on your dickery, you know you’ve gone too far.
…
> I didn't want to make any eye contact for now as I had just experienced a heartbreaking moment... I had lost my marefriend
THE DERPY YOU LOVE IS BACK IN YOUR DIMENSION, YOU INCREDIBLY DENSE ASSHOLE.
Jesus Christ, just how stupid is this guy?
…
>" You sure he won't hurt her?"
Graze, can’t you remember the chapters we spent following Cody’s rehabilitation? All that time we suffered alongside him while he managed to let go?
What? That never happened? Oh, alright then.
…
>" Definite.... I know we've had a stressful day but why don't we get something to eat huh?''
Merciless killing sure opens one’s appetite.
…
> I then followed Lance as we began our trot to a near diner.
Wait, weren’t you holding Cody in the air and were about to Rainboom him? Did you just let him go?
…
> As we sat around eating in a awkward silence, I rubbed my chest. I can't keep doing this shit.
Then by all means, stop doing it.
…
> Graze wasn't looking at Derpy, or Ditzy as he called her, or Cody. He kept his head down and ate silently.
Yes, you should be ashamed of yourself.
 
 
 
>>Chapter 54 - Part 17
…
>[That was hardcore man!] Break said as he and kill sat on the edge of the table.
Yeah, attacking someone with an intent to kill for selfish reasons is so awesome.
…
>[You haven't seen what we can do yet. Wait till you see Raging Breaking Dawn!]
Since Breaking Down hasn’t really done anything and was easily beaten by a griffin, I don’t have high hopes for another upgrade.
…
> Cody nodded and shakily stood
You were all eating together? After he beat the crap out of you and clearly stated that he wanted to kill you?
…
> I stood next, "You coming Graze? You can stay with us if you'd like."
Aren’t you staying with Deela? That one very shy pony who doesn’t trust many ponies?
Don’t you think that THIS time you should ask first if it’s ok?
…
> I looked at him, "What is it?"
> [Graze] shrugged, "Nothing, just today's events is all."
Acting like an utter douchebag and almost killing people always brings me down
…
>"And you'll be sleeping here." I said pointed to a couch in the living room.
At least he’s not offering him the main bedroom.
…
> He looked at me, "Where are you sleeping?"
> I turned and walked down the hall to Dali's room. I walked in and jumped on the bed.
Oh, so you didn’t gave Graze the main bedroom because you already hogged it for yourself.
I sincerely hope she willingly gave her room for Twi and Lance to sleep, and he didn’t kick her out.
…
> After a few minutes of waiting, Twilight and Dali walked in, just now getting ready for bed.
Are you out of your mind!? You’re sleeping with both of them? And they’re ok with this?
What am I saying, of course they’re ok with this. Deela has this puppy crush on Lance and Twilight is too pregnant to care, I guess.
…
> Twilight climbed in bed and took her usual spot on my right side, her hoof over my chest. Dali got next to me and snuggled up to my side.
This is how Kickass222urmom wishes reality worked.
 
 
 
>>Chapter 55 - Part 1
…
The chapter opens with a foreword explaining yet again the butchered, and already stale format used to tell apart Lance and Graze from their respective consciences.
…
> I opened my eyes and saw the floor, wait the floor! I panicked and began to thrash about. Causing me to fall onto the floor, head first.
How would you have to bend in order to be able to watch the floor without falling, and yet fall down once you start moving?
…
> I walked over and kicked [Graze]. When he didn't respond, I kicked him harder, causing him to jump up, "WHAT THE FUCK!"
This is the same guy that almost chocked Lance because it took him more than five seconds to explain that Twilight was pregnant. Kicking him may not be the best way of waking him up.
…
> We both chuckled and walked towards the kitchen. Upon entering, we saw Dali and Twilight finishing up their breakfast.
> [The kitchen, where all the mare's are suppose to be.] Kill said with a smirk.
Jesus, this fic is turning me into a feminist.
…
> Dali smiled proudly, "Thank you Lance. I knew you would like them."
> Twilight chimed in, "And so did I."
Twilight’s intervention seems almost tacked on, doesn’t it? Then again, all of Twilight’s actions seem forced.
…
Graze and Lance proceed to race over who can finish their pancakes first.
…
> Graze stood up, "You ready to train?"
Yes, please. Justify this crossover. I want to believe that you won’t wait until the last paragraphs to make things happen like last time.
…
> We both suddenly shot out of the kitchen, down the hall, and blew through the front door.
If it weren’t for Deela’s utter lack of spine, and Twilight’s general aloofness, I’d expect someone to chastise them for being reckless.
…
> We were now in the middle of a field where we could have trained in peace.
Grammar, Kickass222urmom. It’s not that hard.
 
 
 
>>Chapter 55 - Part 2
…
> < Ahh yes....so peaceful> Joy and Dawn said.
> [ FUCK YEAH!!! LET'S GET THIS SHIT STARTED!] Both Kill and Break remarked breaking the serenity and peace.
How did they manage to speak at the same time? Are they linked or something?
…
>" Hahahaha afterwards but first, you need to know how these consciences work."
I don’t know if I want them to ignore how that nonsense works, or try to come up with an explanation that will most likely be completely stupid.
…
>[ First thing that you should know is, that you share a body but your mind is still control of it, therefore only you can control freely]
Bullshit. The other personalities have taken control of their host bodies several times now.
…
>< Well ya see, as Kill said, we share a mind, thus we are able to somewhat control your actions.>
So the “only you can control your body” thing you just said is false?
…
> you can only enter your 'Breaking Dawn' when you are perfectly in sync, as I mean, all thinking the same thoughts, ideas and plans.
This is an elaborate way of saying “When the plot requires it.”
…
> I unfolded my wings releasing a black flame to outline them," That's just a small sample you know?"
Living The Dream drinking mini-game: Take a shot of your favorite alcoholic drink every time Kickass222urmom references and butchers an anime trope. Whoever doesn’t have liver damage by the end of this chapter wins.
…
> Lance then got up and tried to follow my steps, he then growled thinking I was the enemy.
And you infer that from a growl?
…
>" I'm trying to get angry! You know, so I can enter Breaking Dawn."
Did you seriously forget what Graze said less than twenty seconds ago?
 
 
 
>>Chapter 55 - Part 3
…
> Lance... stop it, just stop it.... I said your consciences have to in sync with each other and here's a lil' conscience 101, you don't think clearly when you're vex, you just act in the heat of the moment.
But didn’t Lance go into Breaking Dawn mode when he was pissed at Richard’s dad for attacking his friends? Wasn’t that acting “in the heat of the moment”?
…
> He looked at his flamed hooves and changed mane," HAHAHAHAHA!! YES YES YES YES!"
Changes in physical appearance that denote an increase in power and aura of fire/energy that somehow doesn’t harm you? That counts for two shots.
…
>" Okay calm down bro, there are also some risks to this,"
The inevitable downside of the ultra-powerful upgrade. I’d like to think that the downside is death, but everyone just shrugs that off here. Either way, drink.
…
>[ Fucking KillJoy.....Killing my joy]
I want to believe Killjoy didn’t name himself that way so he could make that pun, but I’m forced to believe he did.
…
>" You may feel a bit rushed, adrenaline pumping no?"
Yes. So, what’s the catch? It will rip apart his muscles? It can stop his heart? It reduces his lifespan?
…
> when you tire out.... Everything you did, it's going to pain like a mofo....
You mean, the same effect that any kind of strenuous physical activity would have on him? That’s the big downfall of going Breaking Dawn?
Also, did he just use “pain” instead of “hurt”?
…
> " Wait.... I have one last thing to teach you man...calm down,"
Yeah, you’re over fifty chapters late for that.
…
> I rushed him and grabbed his neck cutting off his blood supply to his brain
What the hell? Why would you do that?
…
>" It's how to get rid of your Breaking Dawn."
You mean that to get rid of his super form, he has to give himself a stroke? Really?
 
 
 
>>Chapter 55 - Part 4
…
>" I know, one thing you need to learn is that your brain needs blood to function...DUH!"
And that was the best way of teaching him such an obvious thing. Just go ahead and give him a Vulcan nerve pinch.
…
>< I'm sure Graze had a very good reason for doing this...sorry> Dawn replied.
Surely there’s an explanation, right?
…
>" And I do!" I stomped on the floor and spread out my wings, both hooves, tail, mane and wings were now outlined with black flames," Let's see you get into Breaking Dawn while in a fight."
Oh, no explanation, then. Alright.
…
> I then rushed Lance and punched him with a hoof covered with black flames
You just took him out of the form in which he can resist your hits. Why don’t you make him transform again before you start beating him?
…
>"Don't worry it won't scar! It just burns"
How is that better? It’ll still cause him pain.
…
> IN FIGHTS YOUR ENEMY WON'T GIVE YOU A CHANCE! SO PONY THE FUCK UP AND LET'S GET STARTED!
Cliché motivational speech before training. Is there any real reason why Graze can’t just guide Lance through the steps of transforming and ‘then’ start with the fight?
…
> IF I GET YOU WITH A NECROFLARE BOOM WHEN YOU AREN'T IN YOUR RAGE MODE... YOUR FRICKING DEAD!
Isn’t that something only Graze can do? Is he training Lance to fight him?
…
> Lance began to panic as I rushed him.
> Lance's POV
> As Graze neared me, I began to panic.
I understand that Kickass222urmom is trying to make a transition between Graze and Lance, but he’s just repeating the same line and changing the wording.
…
> I took a deep breath, beginning to focus... when Graze slammed into me.
And, since Lance wasn’t in his super form while Graze was, the logical result would be several broken ribs and pierced organs.
…
> Grace punched me in the chest, making me stumbled back.
Or just flinching, that too.
 
 
 
>>Chapter 55 - Part 5
…
> He stopped his onslaught of hooves and grabbed my hoof. He then yanked me past him, while I was flying past him, he bucked me, sending to the ground harder.
I think this “training” is just an excuse for Graze to beat up Lance. Seriously, think about it.
Graze hasn’t taught anything useful to Lance. He just told him how to enter his super form, despite the fact that Lance already did that twice.
And really, how does Lance benefit from knowing that cutting the blood supply to his brain will turn off his Breaking Dawn form? If he didn’t know he wouldn’t have cared? It’s your freaking brain; you should always worry about it not getting enough blood. The only thing Lance can do with this information will be that next time someone has him in a chokehold, he’ll think ”Oh, now I’ll go out of Breaking Dawn form”, and how is that supposed to be helpful at all?
…
>[Get mad! We can go Breaking Dawn if you do!]
> {I'm not going to get mad! I'm going to do it the right way!}
Despite knowing that getting mad is an effective method of doing that, I’ll do this the hard way.
…
> Graze looked at me, "Oh no you don't!" He flew into me and began to fly straight up.
I insist, is there any real reason for going all the way just as you begin training?
No warm-up, no meditation, no guiding Lance through the process?
Graze is an awful teacher.
…
>[TIME FOR A NECROFLARE BOOM!] Kill yelled.
I still don’t understand why Lance and Graze can hear what the other’s consciences say. Nobody else can hear what Break or Dawn can say. Does having Dissociative Identity Disorder also gives you telepathy?
Also, I am convinced Graze wants Lance dead.
 
 
 
>>Chapter 55 - Part 6
…
> Suddenly, a burning sensation went through my blood.
Graze has been pummeling you non-stop. He is now holding you and flying at top speed with the clear intent of killing you.
THERE IS NO WAY YOU ARE CALM AND EVEN MINDED UNDER THOSE CIRCUMSTANCES.
If you can go Breaking Down right now, it means everything Graze said is pure bullshit.
…
> I smiled and slammed my head into Graze's, breaking his concentration. He let me go and held his head.
You were both flying at a near-Rainboom level of speed, and you just head-butted him while in BD form. Ignoring the made up Bradonking-esque levels of power you both probably have, a hit at that speed would throw you wildly off course and probably crash horribly, not just “break his concentration”.
Though I guess I shouldn’t be surprised Kickass222urmom has never opened a physics textbook in his life.
…
> I said looking at the transformed Lance he was smiling that he had gotten Breaking Dawn," C'mon Bro! Give me your best shot."
That’s not training!
Isn’t Graze supposed to be teaching Lance how to fight/control his consciences? Telling him to do stuff without explaining him how to do it does not count as training.
Has Kickass222urmom ever seen Karate Kid? Or Star Wars? Or any movie with a training montage ever?
…
> He charged me head on with his hooves singeing the grassy field leaving behind marks.
I’ll assume this is the typical fire that doesn’t spread and won’t cause a wildfire.
…
> Lance was about a foot away from me before he grabbed me and carried me too the highest altitude," NOW IT'S TIME FOR THE SHADOW BLAST!"
Graze said that doing his Rainboom knock-off would kill Lance if he wasn’t in his super form. How does that work? It’s not as if Lance is from another world or is tapping into ancient energies, he just has a mental disorder, how is that supposed to protect you from a blast?
 
 
 
>>Chapter 55 - Part 7
…
> < LET'S FUCK HIM UP!> Dawn agreed.
You gave Dawn ‘one’ characteristic. He’s supposed to be the calm and collected part of Lance. That’s what defines him.
That doesn’t sound calm and collected.
…
> I waited for the perfect moment, for the cone to form and thicken. He dove faster and faster as the cone appeared around both of us.
If two self-inserts do a Sonic Rainboom at the same time, who loses? Answer: Us.
…
There are so many things wrong with the next part that I have to break it down to be properly enraged.
…
> I engulfed my hoof with black flames and tainted his cone,
How is that supposed to work? Wouldn’t the sheer speed kill any fire? Or is this that stupid magic fire? And how does he not realise what’s happening and stop?
Actually, if you stopped right now, Graze would be send flying to the ground, which would probably kill him instantly. If physics applied to this universe, that is.
…
> giving me the edge I needed.
Excerpt offered without further comment.
…
> The darkness of my flames around the cone burnt his hooves as he was going to use them to pierce the sound barrier.
If the outside of the cone is catching fire, somehow, then there’s no way the flames are directly burning him. And if the inside of the cone is catching fire, then both of you should be getting roasted.
And what kind of bullshit power up lets you withstand a killer Sonic Rainboom, but doesn’t protect you against fire?
…
> Foolishly he continued with the Sonic Boom, not his Shadow Blast but my NecroFlare Boom.
How?
Lance is the one doing the high speed flying, you’re just tagging along. How can your fire change who is performing the Rainboom? Does it somehow stop Lance and transfer his momentum to you?
 
 
 
>>Chapter 55 - Part 8
…
> As planned, tainting the cone with black flames would only help KillJoy as they engulfed his wings which were immune to it.
Ok first of all, why are you speaking in the third person?
Second. If your wings are immune, does it mean that the rest of your body will get horribly burnt?
…
> The sound barrier acted as a gas to the small outline of flames causing them to look twice as big when the ShadowBlast took place.
That sentence doesn’t make sense. At all.
I’ll assume you meant “air cone” instead of sound barrier. If that is acting as a “gas” to the flames, it should light up in fire, not act as a magnifying glass.
…
> We were still descending at mac-4 speeds with little time to act
Mach 4 is 1.361 m/s.
Taking into account the time they’ve been falling, and the time they’ll keep falling after this point, they were flying at a height of 20~30 km above the surface. Assuming Equestria has an atmosphere remotely similar to that of Earth, they were flying right in the middle of the troposphere, where not only there’s not enough air for Grazes flames to exist, or for them to breath; but they’re also near enough to the point of gravitational inversion that they could have been flung straight into space.
…
> I whistled at Lance catching his attention
How are you doing that? Is the cone of air crating a pocket of air stable enough for you to whistle and for Lance to hear you?
I may be wrong, but I don’t think that’s how air cones work.
…
> [Graze] grabbed [Lance] with my flaming hooves and punched him straight to the ground causing him to crash at a dangerous speed.
Over a thousand meters per second and just above the surface? Yes, that does sound dangerous.
Bone-pulverizingly, and organ-liquifying dangerous.
…
>" He will live,"
Much to our chagrin.
 
 
 
>>Chapter 55 - Part 9
…
> I responded to both of them landing near to Lance," Hey, dipshit! Wake up!"
You are an ass. Plain and simple, there’s no redeeming quality about you.
…
> I grabbed his coat intensifying the heat through my hooves burning him," AGGGHHHH!!!"
He has taught him nothing and he’s actively trying to harm him.
Why did Celestia bring him again?
…
> Lance's eyes opened wide in horror as my hoof reached towards him and paused in mid air.
And now the anti-climactic conclusion to the already anti-climactic fight.
…
> He looked confused at me as I smiled at him
Anyone in Lance place would be extremely angry, but he has already forgiven rapists and murderers, so I don’t expect any serious reprisal against Graze
…
> I looked at him and raised a hoof, "Dude! What the fuck! We was fucking sparing!"
That was more “Graze beating the living hell out of Lance” rather than sparring.
…
>"Oh don't worry, I was going easy on you.
Beating Lance with flaming hooves when he was powered down, flying him into the stratosphere and putting him through a Rainboom count as going easy on someone, apparently.
…
> As far as I can tell, you can take on anypony, but me." He finished with a smirk.
And seeing as you’re overpowered to the point of pointlessness, he can take on anyone Kickass222urmom forces into the story.
…
>[We'll see about that! We'll go full on Raging Breaking Dawn on your asses!]
I guess that since Break is supposed to be hotheaded and violent, I can’t really blame him for being so insultingly stupid as to want to fight against the guy that almost killed him.
So I’ll blame Kickass222urmom for creating a god awful character, instead.
…
> Graze chuckled and stretched his back, "That was fun."
“Savagely beating people always cracks me up”
…
>"Well, I'm fucking starving."
> <Somepony needs to go on a diet.> Joy said.
> [Fat joke for the win!] Break said.
The standards for humour get lower with each passing chapter.
 
 
 
>>Chapter 55 - Part 10
…
> The cheerful old stallion smiled and handed (Hoofed?) me a hayburger.
> [Lance, we've been over this! Just say handed!]
Yes, stop trying to make a running gag.
…
> I looked at Graze, "Okay bro, this may be boring."
Unlike anything that has happened in this story so far.
…
> David looked at me with pleading eyes, "Please make it stop!"
> Peter held his hooves up, begging, "Please! We've been enduring this ever since we woke last night!"
Please. I’ve been reading this for weeks, and I’m not complaining as much as you are.
…
I’ll spare you the graphic details. Suffice to say that…
…
> Greg smiled lazily, "Yo man, check it! Me and Pinkie here are a couple."
That happened. Now it’s only a matter of time until Fluttershy and Malbatorus get hitched and whatshisface hooks up with Applejack.
…
> They then went back to making out.
What is left to say at this point? Their whole romantic build up was saying that they liked each other forty chapters ago, then nothing, then back to this.
…
> David reached out for me, "You have to get us another room!"
> Peter nodded, "Please dude!"
Out of all the things that you have witnessed, seeing Pinkie and Greg make out is not the worst. You could say that common decency would make you want to give them privacy, but we already know there’s no such thing in this universe.
…
> [Lance] smiled, "Wanna meet the Prince?"
> [Graze] looked at me, "Prince?"
Graze already knows Fred, that much has been stated. This is contradiction’s only purpose is supposed to be a set up for Graze being surprised at Fred being an alicorn; but since Fred married Luna twenty chapters ago, there’s no excuse for Graze not to know he’s a Prince.
…
>" WAIT! THAT PONY WHICH I TACKLED DURING OUR MATCH? HE MARRIED HER!," [Graze] shouted.
Is Graze going to go ballistic again because there’s a discrepancy between his universe and this one?
 
 
 
>>Chapter 55 - Part 11
…
>"Heh....I'm... doing...fine," Lance said," Okay... screw this... I really...REALLY.....need to fucking.... workout more."
You get more exercise than an Olympian. You have no excuse.
…
>[ Fuck ... the...both of you] Break said tired.
> < Yeah!... What's ... happening?>
Wha…?
Why are you tired as well? You’re only his conscience, you don’t share the same body, except when you’re in Breaking Dawn mode, and ‘that’ doesn’t tire you.
…
>[ Dude... Talk to one of the guards.]
> < Yeah, let's see if he would say something >
Oh, good. Another scene lifted from the show. I wonder if Kickass ate least tried to give a new spi—
…
>" I used to be an adventurer before I took an arrow to the knee."
Remember when “Arrow to the knee” jokes were fun? Me neither, but I’m sure it was way before the time this chapter was published.
…
> I looked at him quizzically and turned the other guard," So how's the pay here?"
Isn’t that a bit indiscreet?
…
> He then replied," I used to be an adventurer before I took an arrow to the knee."
I hate this fanfic so much.
…
> < I'm guessing this is Princess Luna's room> Joy said looking at the doors.
> [ What makes you say that?] Kill replied looking at a sign on the door saying 'Luna'.
Aside from the painful joke, Fred moved in with Luna? I thought that they would at least give him his own chambers. Or Kingdom, seeing that he’s the God of Good, and whatnot.
…
>"Hey, Graze wanna do something a bit fun?" Lance said smiling.
I doubt it will be fun for anyone but you.
…
>" Do you know about Flim and Flam?"
> [ I FUCKING HATE THEIR SINGING!] Kill shouted.
Just as Lance. What were the chances.
…
> < We just violated both of them... mentally and physically> Joy replied.
You… What?
 
 
 
>>Chapter 55 - Part 12
…
Lance and Graze break down the door and start to parody the Flim and Flam song. And as much as I hate when Kickass222urmom inserts a song, it’s preferable to:
…
> All four of us stared at Luna on top of Iron Clad with a frozen face of pleasure and shock.... Simply too put it, they were having sex.
Yeah, one would expect that the Royal Couple would at least have guards outside to make sure that nobody bothers them. I mean, Graze and Lance could have easily been assassins, or whatever.
Either way, why the hell did Lance and Graze barge into their bedroom? Even if they weren’t having sex, it’s still the private chamber of Princess Luna.
…
>"LANCE WHAT THE FUCK MAN!" Iron Clad shouted," I'M GOING TO DEAL WITH YOU LATER!"
I’m amazed he didn’t go Edge and kick them to the other side of Equestria.
Side note: Since Fred reverted back from his “corrupted” form without issue, should we assume that it’s just another “form” such as Breaking Dawn and KillJoy?
…
> He then teleported both Lance and I way back into Dali's home in Canterlot.
I would have thrown you into the dungeons, just to be safe.
…
>" .....Are you fucking kidding me? We hauled our asses way into the fricking palace and now we're back here!" I ranted.
You barged into their room in the middle of them having sex. How exactly, did you expect they would react?
…
>[ Yeah! I was enjoying my free porn!] Kill exclaimed
>[ YOU CAN'T JUST PAY FOR THAT SHIT!] Break shouted agreeing with Kill.
You are supposed to like protagonists, right? Because Kickass222urmom seems to be going out of his way to make the other personalities annoying as hell.
…
> I ran into another room and came back with a board game, "Wanna play?"
> He looked at it, "What is it?"
> I shrugged, "No idea. Something like Battleship."
And now we’ll see two overpowered self-insert OC’s in a battle of wits.
 
 
 
>>Chapter 55 - Part 13
…
> Four long intense hours of game play latter.
Or not. Even Kickass222urmom realised he couldn’t make a session of Battleship interesting.
Should have thought of that, Hasbro!
…
> <Graze, your the best cheater ever!> Joy said. He then covered his mouth.
Not only is Joy an idiot, it raises the question; How do you cheat at Battleship? You think Lance would have noticed if he had looks at his side of the board.
…
> I stood and glared hard at him, "I'm going to beat the hell out of you!"
> He turned and ran down the hall, "If you can catch me."
This bromance is more developed than his relationship with Twilight.
…
> Graze looked at me, standing on his hind legs, his front ones against the walls. A sexy pose. He let out a loud scream, "Oh my oh my! Perv!" He said in his best female voice.
It is only going to be a bromance, right?
…
> Before I could do anything, somepony knocked at the door.
I guess we’ll never know.
…
> Lance then headed over to the door and opened it," Oh, uhhmmm hi Ditzy, did you need anything?"
Oh, great. Now we are going to have to see someone, who doesn’t understand how alternate realities work, explain it to someone else.
Also, why are you speaking in the past tense?
…
> I silently walked outside and closed the door behind me," Don't worry Lance, I will come back soon, just give me some time with this."
If Graze closed the door, how can he keep talking with Lance?
…
> He nodded.
And how does Graze know Lance nodded?
…
>[ You think he is going to be alright?]
> < I know so>
This again. We’re supposed to be reading from Graze’s point of view, why are we still able to hear what Break and Dawn say?
…
> I chuckled at her saying that trying to keep my calm complexion," It is true YOU have never met me before but where I am from, I have."
So, you’ve met you? That’s good to know.
 
 
 
>>Chapter 55 - Part 14
…
> She looked shocked at me," Are you serious!... B-but how.... And why did you act so...so...?"
Violent? Childish? Stupid? Entitled?
…
>" So overprotective?"
I guess that’s one way of putting it.
…
>" Because, where I come from, I love you and you are my marefriend."
There, that should explain everything, and now this chapter can end.
…
>" Please... Mr. Graze, tell me more."
God damn it. Is he going to steal Derpy from Cody?
…
> She looked at me saddened and supported me staring me with those bright eyes," You really do love her."
Oh, thank God. Now could you please just wrap this up? This fanfiction has already enough romantic subplots that go nowhere.
…
> " Yeah.... that's why I kind of lost it when I saw Cody and you and especially when he called you Derpy," I said.
“That’s why I beat the living hell out of him and almost killed him. No hard feelings, right?”
…
> Iron Clad was on the stage speaking about something. I really didn't catch the gist of it but I was curious.
Well, what do you know, Fred actually does things.
…
>" HEY GRAZE!" Lance shouted," COME QUICK!"
And that wraps up the first two chapters of the crossover.
This cliffhanger doesn’t really make me feel hopeful about the next three chapters.
 
 
 
>>Chapter 56 - Part 1
…
>Title: Crossover of Consciences: The Assassin’s game.
My hopes for the rest of the crossover being standard awful Slice of Life have been destroyed.
…
> kickass222urmom says: The idea for this chapter popped into my mind when I was in class.
So he is a high school student. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised.
…
> But some credit goes to 2k LOL for writing BLAMMO! Got me to thinking about contest.
What are you talking about? Is this even another self-insert universe?
…
> Quick note:
Why would you insert an author’s note and then another one?
…
> We are going to be switching between views with a few of the other teams.
Sure, this story’s narrative wasn’t convoluted enough. Let’s throw in even more characters to narrate the events.
…
> [Fred] looked out at the gathered crowd of ponies, "Citizens of Ponyville, I've come here today to tell you of a competition that is to take place in this very town. […] It is a game called 'Assassin', where you will all divide up into teams of two or three and battle it out against everypony else.
Is he going to rip off The Running Man/Battle Royale/Hunger Games?
…
> No, this is not real.
Well, there goes my hope that the number of OC’s in this story would be reduced.
…
> A blue bracelet with his cutie mark appeared in front of him, "Those are 'Assassin Bracelets', once you shot your opponent with them, it sends them to the 'losers box'.
So this whole chapter is going to be an elaborate game of Dodge Ball?
…
>"Now for the rules: No magic." His horn glowed and every unicorn lost their horns.
> "No flying."
Did Fred just pull a Discord? This was published in mid-2012, Return of Harmony had already aired; so what the hell, he can use chaos magic out of the blue?
And what if there were unicorns there that didn’t want to participate?
And what about Earth Ponies? Are they allowed to use their natural magic and connection with the Earth?
 
 
 
>>Chapter 56 - Part 2
…
> Frederic smirked at us and mouth the words, 'Told you I'd get you back.'
You mean Fred set this up solely to get back at Lance and Graze? That seems way too complicated for revenge. Besides, how did he set up this whole thing in just four hours?
…
>"No leaving Ponyville. There is a magical barrier up to prevent you all from leaving the game.
Does it discriminate the ponies who ‘don’t’ want to play the game? Or are you forcing an entire town to take part into your revenge plot against two idiots?
…
> I looked around and saw that everypony else had [a bracelet], same color as their coat and with their cutie mark on it.
Blank flanks are excluded from the game, then?
It’d make sense for kids not to take part on this, but what about donkeys, or mules? Why can’t they be a part of this?
…
> I looked around and saw Drax, perfect. Me and Graze galloped over to him.
I am amazed that Kickass222urmom is willing to give character development to the new guy.
Then again, he probably wants him for cannon fodder. If that’s the case, then why is he using a character we don’t care about, instead of the other half dozen or so OC’s you have already introduced before? That way there can be something resembling care for the fate of said character.
…
> They dropped their hooves and looked at me.
> I raised an eyebrow, "What?"
> Graze smiled, "Bro, your the one who is going to provide us with our gear."
Why? Lance lives in Canterlot, all of his stuff is there. Drax, on the other hand, lives in Ponyville so it would make sense for him to provide you with equipment.
…
> I chuckled, "Sure, why not.
Because it doesn’t make sense, that’s why. But I guess I should know by now that such a little inconvenience wouldn’t matter.
…
> I know what we can use. Anyone up to dressing in tight black suits?"
And where are you going to get those? Do you plan to ravage Pinkie's stash?
 
 
 
>>Chapter 56 - Part 3
…
> 10 PM at night, four hours into the competition.
Because who would have wanted to read boring things such as the beginning of the competition and the first four hours of it, let’s just jump straight into the middle of the thing
…
> Graze smirked, "I like our name."
> I looked at him, "What? Silent Nights?"
Dumb name, but I know that Kickass222urmom was perfectly capable of calling them something even more stupid, so let’s count our blessings.
…
> I looked out of the branches and saw Pinkie Pie and Greg chasing three poor filly's.
What!? Fred is letting kids go against full grown adults? Did he see nothing wrong with that?
…
> Frederic's voice boomed through the area, "The Cutie Mark Crusaders have been removed from the game."
Minor thing but, if they are also part of the game and they are blank flanks, what do they bracelets have in place of a cutie mark?
…
> Greg smiled and turned and yelled, "The 4th wall breakers are gonna win! You hear me pussies!"
Greg hasn’t broken the fourth wall, and neither has Pinkie in this story. Unless he means a metaphorical fourth wall, since he comes from a different universe in which they know about the show, but I doubt Kickass222urmom has that level of depth
…
> Frederic's voice boomed again, "Hiding for long periods of time is illegal... Lance."
And you didn’t tell them beforehand? I know you’re trying to get back at them, but isn’t this something the rest of the players should have known, too?
…
> I nodded, "Okay, have fun. Don't get hit, I don't want to lose my best player."
> He smirked, "I won't, just stay here." He turned and galloped off.
> I rolled my eyes, "We will."
The bromance is strong with these two.
…
> I walked out of the alley and scouted the area looking for any signs of life and Pinkie
Doesn’t Pinkie count as “life” too?
 
 
 
>>Chapter 56 - Part 4
…
> I looked up and saw a climbable path leading to the roof. I jumped and used my hooves to grasp onto several ledges as I progressed to the top of the house.
Don’t you have wings? Why does every Pegasus forget that they have wings?
…
> Finally making it, I scoped the entire PonyVille
The only building high enough to see all of Ponyville is the Town Hall, which doesn’t have any alleyways nearby.
…
> [ I'm the Celestia Damn BAT-COLT!]
Referencing good things doesn’t make your story good.
…
> " Ha! Team Bond is going to win this competition!" said Lyra.
> " And when we do, we can finally afford a vacation, hopefully if the prize is that valuable!" Bon Bon said.
I hate to disappoint you, but seeing that this whole contest is just another act of petty revenge by Equestria’s newest Prince, I doubt there’s any real prize involved.
…
> Lyra pushed her hoof forward which I then suddenly grabbed pulling her and Bon Bon in.
If they were so determined to win, why did they act so recklessly? Shoot preemptively and then check it out.
…
> A few shouts and screams were heard from the pile of hay, even a few cries announcing rape.
> < Rape is not a funny joke people, not even in this fic>
I’m sorry, what?
…
> Rape is not a funny joke
> not even in this fic
Hey, Kickass. Did you forget about the entire chapter you dedicated to the OC’s getting raped by the mares of Ponyville?
…
>[ It's not rape if they enjoy it]
I could print this out and send it to feminist groups. Kickass222urmom would be crucified within the week.
…
> I looked at the bracelet which I 'borrowed' from Bon Bon and had one of the greatest ideas known to PonyVille.
You mean anyone can use any bracelet? Then what was the point of each having the cutie mark of their bearers? To keep them as trophies?
…
> I ran a circle around the other three as they aimed their weapons and fired at me.
YOU HAVE WINGS. Fly up high and shoot all of them.
 
 
 
>>Chapter 56 - Part 5
…
The next part shows how much of an asshole Graze is, so allow me to shred it apart bit by bit.
…
> I picked him up and made him kneel.
You already shot his entire team, just shoot him and get back to Lance and Drax.
…
> " PLEASE MERCY! MERCY!" He cried.
He is begging, Graze, shoot him and be done with this.
…
> I smiled wickedly at the pony and said," Kill. Do it."
Are you going to let your violent personality take over just shoot a guy that has given up by this point? What the hell?
…
> Kill then walked across on air by the conscience of my victim
He did what? Does this pony also have the same conscience thing Graze and Lance do? Who is he and why does he have this?
…
> beat him
How the hell did he do that? His conscience doesn’t have physical presence, in fact they’re invisible. They can only interact with the world by possessing their host’s body, how is Kill beating him up. And remember, that pony can’t see or hear Kill, so as far as he know he is being beaten up by the air.
…
> and forced him to shoot himself.
How!? Did Kill possess him? How did he force him to shoot himself? Why the hell would you do that? Aren’t you supposed to be the good guy? You just offed this guy’s entire team, you made him kneel before you, you stood there as he begged for mercy, you made your violent conscience beat him up somehow, even though that wasn’t part of the contest and isn’t required for you to send him to the losers booth, put him under a lot of mental distress, and you made him shoot himself? That is going to scar him.
…
> Suddenly, a loud voice boomed throughout the skies," GRAZE! I SAID NO VIOLENCE!"
Please, just disqualify him.
And send him to a psychiatric hospital, he’s obviously deranged.
…
>," FUCK YOU IRON! THAT WAS SELF DEFENSE! I RESTRAINED HIM!"
No, it wasn’t. You had already put down his entire team and he had surrendered.
You are a raging, self-entitled douchebag, Graze.
Fuck you.
 
 
 
>>Chapter 56 - Part 6
…
>" Hmmm... Alright! NEXT TIME DON'T DO IT!"
This is so biased it’s not even funny. Graze has been a complete douchebag over and over again; he has non-existent restraint or self-control, and lashes out at the minimum provocation.
And yet everyone keeps forgiving him and shrugging of his dickery.
…
> I looked at [Greg] bemused and fired two shots from both my hooves sending him to the losers booth
Weed OC is out. Hopefully Pinkie will get so mad that she’ll get rid of Graze
…
> The tension built between the two of us as we waited for the other to get mentally prepared.
A Mexican standoff with Pinkie Pie. This should be getting some sort of enjoyment out of this, but I think I’m physically incapable of feeling joy.
…
> { Kill, Joy, remember how Pinkie uses her Pinkie Sense?}
> < Yeah! She uses her consciences Pinkamena and Surprise!>
I can’t even properly get mad about this.
I mean, how could you? There are so many things wrong about these two sentences alone that I want to slam my head against my desk, but I’ll focus on three.
First of all, why do you have to drag down Pinkie Pie into your stupid ass-pull ability?
Second, seriously Pinkamena and Surprise as Pinkie’s consciences? Wasn’t it established that Pinkamena doesn’t exist in this universe? What with the prank they pulled on Lance and everything.
And lastly, how does having two additional consciences make Pinkie clairvoyant? Lance and Graze don’t have that ability, thankfully. Do they go around scouting for possible danger and then take control of parts of her body in specific ways to let her know what will happen? Because that— Huh… Actually, that kind of makes sense.
I guess something good hat to come out of this crapfest.
…
>{ Exactly, I want the both of you too distract the two of them, I want this to be a fair match }
Correct me if I’m wrong, but aren’t you using TWO guns? How is that fair?
 
 
 
>>Chapter 56 - Part 7
…
> Suddenly Kill and Joy both grabbed Pinkamena and Surprise, restraining them from doing anything. […] Her eyes suddenly opened in realization and jumped out of the way at the bullet," WHAT'S HAPPENING!?" She shouted.
How did she not see Kill and joy going for Pinkamena and Surprise? Lance and Graze can see each other consciences, why can’t Pinkie?
…
> Two guns versus one.
Yes, this is a match as fair as they come. Unsurprisingly, Graze sends her to the losers booth.
…
> Team: Musical Killers
While I’m sure that Kickass222urmom meant this as a joke of some sort, I think it’s fitting that Aaron is in the team called “Musical Killer”.
…
> [Aaron] looked over at his two teammates, Vinyl Scratch and Octavia
Is he doing this just to tease all the VinylxOctavia shippers?
…
> "Okay you two, we need to secure that library. With it, we can easily win this!"
How? The Library isn’t placed on a very strategic location. Wouldn’t Carousel Boutique or the Town Hall be more precious location? It’s centric and easily defendable.
…
> Vinyl nodded her agreement, "Yeah, but Team Sparkle is in there."
Twilight is taking part on this thing? Why? She’s 8 months pregnant for Christ sake. Think about the hellspawn inside of you.
…
> He held up two small balls. But those were no normal balls, (DIRTY THOUGHTS! BE GONE!)
Not that anyone would think about testicles, but seriously, with all the near-explicit stuff you’ve been writing ‘this’ is what worries you?
…
> they were sound grenades.
You are musicians, how the hell did you get sound grenades?
…
> Aaron nodded and threw the door open, he then tossed in the sound grenade.
They were holing up in the Library but it didn’t occur to them maybe locking the freaking door?
…
> They all covered their ears.
If you can be unaffected by a sound grenade just by covering your ears, doesn’t it defeat the purpose of a sound grenade?
 
 
 
>>Chapter 56 - Part 8
…
> The loud screech could still be heard, but had no effect on them.
Or not, what do you know?
…
> Aaron looked around and saw Twilight staggering. Perfect. He aimed at her first and fired, sending her to the loser's box.
I find it hard to believe that Twilight didn’t put any protection spells around her house, then again, she left the door unlocked.
…
> Vinyl shot Rarity, who was also staggering around.
Two unicorns, and none of them thought about casting any sort of protective spell, or shields, or transport the grenade away, or lock the god damned door.
…
> Applejack jumped off the stairs, "Ah got one!" She then shot Octavia, sending her away
That sound grenade sucks, Applejack was upstairs and was completely unaffected by it.
…
> Aaron gulped and put his back hooves against the wall and his back against the bookshelf. He then began to push outward, sending the bookshelf crashing down.
I was going to say that Twilight would probably be mad about you wrecking the library, but then I remembered she had moved.
Who is living in the tree now? Who takes care of the library? Why are you staying there? Did you kick out the new owner?
…
> He looked at his bracelet and saw that it was missing the barrel.
Barr—? Is it supposed to be a revolver? Why the hell did you call it a bracelet, then? Just say that is a revolver worn as a bracelet. The main feature is the gun, not that ponies can tie it around their ankles.
…
> He twisted around and jumped through a random window.
But you already took out all of them, and AJ is… somewhere. I don’t know, Kickass222urmom just stopped mentioning her. Try to take over the Library, don’t abandon it.
 
 
 
>>Chapter 56 - Part 9
…
> Team: Joki Knights
Please don’t tell me Omnius is back just for this.
…
> Peter watched as the group of stallion's made their way across the open ground. He looked over at David, "Is the 'traps' ready?"
While the plot reaches new lows with every chapter, is nice to know that Kickass222urmom’s grammar is consistently terrible.
…
> Is Doctor Whooves in place?"
Jesus, does he have to drag more— Wait. I remember that Dr. Whooves was mentioned way back in the first chapters. He was hired by Twilight’s parents to keep an eye on her, or something like that. Did that plotline unsurprisingly go nowhere?
…
> David smiled and performed a bird call.
> As soon as the Doctor ran over them, they waited till they could hear the group.
> Suddenly, they jumped up and began firing at the group, screaming out, "JOKI KNIGHTS!"
> They shot down every member of the group.
Surprise attack? Yes. Trap? Not by any stretch of the imagination.
…
> Peter smirked and looked at David, "Best trap ever!"
You didn’t lure anyone there; you were just waiting for a group to pass by. You didn’t set up anything even remotely looking like a trap, either.
…
> Team: Outcast United
Equestria welcomed you with open arms and allowed you to be a part of their culture. You have no grounds to call yourself an outcast.
Not even Malbatorus can say that, although he’s already been forgotten by the story.
…
> [Zorrow] was sitting there, faking like he had broken his hoof. It looked pretty believable, to a pony. To a human, you could tell he was faking it.
Since he has been a human for far longer than he’s been a pony, shouldn’t he be able to fool humans, but not ponies? And what’s the difference? Are ponies incapable of identifying bad acting?
 
 
 
>>Chapter 56 - Part 10
…
> He had been there for hours, letting Seth and Big Macintosh take out all the ponies stupid enough to try and help.
If there are still ponies who are willing to help each other during this all-out war, then it just further proves that the bronies are raging douchebags. Specially Graze.
…
> Rainbow Dash looked at him, "What's wrong with you?" She said, keeping her distance.
> Zorrow played his role, "I fell off the building. I think I broke my hoof."
“In that case, I’ll send you to the loser’s booth so you can be given proper medical attention. It’s the right thing to do.”
…
> They both turned their attention to [Rainbow Dash], as Fluttershy was no threat.
Boy, I wonder what will happen.
…
> Seth finally hit Rainbow Dash, barely, but enough to send her away. He then turned to Fluttershy, "Wow, she took out Big Macintosh... By accident!"
And, unsurprisingly, Fluttershy takes out Seth too.
…
> they had assigned me to Sniper support, they gave me a scope
Where did they get a scope? And one that would fit these bracelets that they’ve never seen before today. Are they standard issue? Did Fred made them to fit the average gun equipment in Equestria? which is zero, by the way.
…
> as I can guide them throughout PonyVille and take out any passerby's.
How? You’re on top of the Town Hall. Did Lance and Drax got walkie talkies from the same place that had scopes?
…
> The Joki Knights and Outcast United traps and the one surviving member of Musical Killers run out of the Library.
Only Aaron ran out of the library. The other groups weren’t near it.
…
> I aimed down sights looking at Aaron," Just one small squeeze aaaaaand--"
> [ YOU ARE SUPPOSE TO BE FUCKING LOOKING AT LANCE AND DRAX! ]
Wouldn’t take out Aaron help them in the long run?
…
> I looked carefully and saw two twin sister ponies," Aloe and Lotus."
The spa ponies are giving Lance a hard time? That’s highly implausible.
 
 
 
>>Chapter 56 - Part 11
…
> * BOOM* Headshot. One was down.
 
> [ Get back to the kitchen ]
Since Kill is the one speaking, and nobody else can hear him, I’ll take this as proof that Graze is a misogynistic dick.
…
> I think I shot .... Lotus?
> " ALOE!!" The other twin shouted.
How did she hear that? She’s all the way down.
…
> Lance and Drax then took the opportunity making a straight dash to the library, clearing out any ponies that ran by them.
Which wouldn’t be necessary if you had been a good sniper.
…
> I remembered one pony, Aaron if I had remembered correctly, ran out of that building.
And you could have taken a moment to shoot him, but nah.
…
> As Drax reached for the door while Lance leaned against the wall. I shot a round aiming exactly at the knob before Drax touched it.
I am sure you could have shot to the ground near them and don’t risk accidentally sending them away.
…
> I aimed down my scopes trying to look through the windows. I only saw one shadow, kinda weird. Oh fuck it's AppleJack.
So, you’re going to shoot her so that Lance and Drax will be safe, right?
…
> She opened the door from the balcony of Twilight's treehouse moving silently not too attract any attention.
I mean, you have a clear shot now.
…
> I shouted," RUN LANCE!! RUN!!!”
Or that, you can do that too.
…
> He looked back at me," WHAT?! I CAN'T HEAR YOU!!"
Why? You were yelling clearly less than a minute ago.
…
> Drax looked at Lance," I think he wants us too move."
> Lance asked," Why?"
> "Beats me."
“Hey, the guy with a panoramic view of the scene is telling us to move, should we do something?”
“Pfft, it’s probably nothing.”
…
> I facehoofed," Those fucking retards."
You’re one to talk. You had a clear shot of Applejack and you wasted it.
…
> { Alright, Celestia if I don't make this shot, I am going to kill Cody}
Why would you do that? Are you still not over Derpy being in love with him?
 
 
 
>>Chapter 56 - Part 12
…
> A shout boomed throughout the skies," NO CAMPING GRAZE!"
He’s been doing this for quite a while now. Why didn’t you say anything before?
…
> Fellas, do you see what's in my hoof? Oh, you see nothing right? IT'S THE AMOUNT OF FUCKS I GIVE! I AM A CELESTIA DAMN SNIPER!"
Which you promptly demonstrate by not sniping them.
…
> "Damn, we was lucky that time." [Lance] said, looking out the window of the library.
That is one way of saying that you were idiots.
…
> We got into position, behind the couch, and aimed at the door.
> Suddenly, Zorrow burst in.
Good, just take him out and end his misery.
…
> I sighed, "No, but I'll let you go. Run now."
Why? If you don’t shoot him, someone else will. Just send him to the loser’s booth with everyone else.
…
> Another pony ran in. This time, we both turned and fired.
What was different this time, huh? Did you have a one-pony quota to fill and Zorrow took that spot?
…
> Graze's eyes went wide and he dodged both the rounds, "WHOA! Watch your fire!"
If he managed to evade those shots, does it mean anyone who comes inside can evade them too?
…
> We all nodded in agreement. Time to set up defenses.
Time for me to groan in frustration again.
 
 
 
>>Chapter 57 - Part 1
…
> Title: Crossover of consciences: The Assassin's games, part 2
Yes, please. Get this over.
…
> Note: KillJoy couldn't write today. Well, he wrote the first scene, but the rest is my doing.
As much as I hate Kickass222urmom, I hate Graze even more, so I welcome this change.
…
> " Fuck.... Cody and Ditzy
You know, someone who doesn’t want their murderous tendencies to come back would avoid these murder-themed games.
…
> [ YOU BUCKING SERIOUS?!]
> < HOW DID THEY SURVIVE UP TIL NOW?!>
> { Luck I guess}
The guy that survived your barrage of attacks at full strength, and has been shown to be able to murder ponies without problem? Yeah, probably luck.
…
> “Hey guys, I'm going to go out for a little while."
Don’t tell me he’s going to shoot Cody out of spite. He forgave you, Derpy forgave you. Move the fuck on.
…
> I nodded and lied," Some ponies with some tactical grenades... Might be useful, so I'm going to scavenge."
Yeah, I can see Killjoy wrote this part, Graze is his usual conceited self.
…
> I then closed the door exiting the tree house.
See, this is the problem with the stupid first person format they’re pushing. See, this whole part is narrated from Graze’s POV, he put that little title thing at the beginning saying so. But now that he left, the narration goes to third person and describes the conversation between Lance and Drax.
Sticking to their format, they should have gone to Lance’s POV for two paragraphs, then back to Graze and then back to Lance again, all in the span of a thousand words.
…
> " I don't trust Graze with this one," Lance said
This amount of insight is out of character for Lance, but whatever helps move the plot along, I guess.
…
>" DRAX! WE NEED TO GO! GRAZE IS HEADING AFTER DITZY AND CODY!"
Eeyup. He’s still an ass.
 
 
 
>>Chapter 57 - Part 2
…
> " I know Graze, he is going to let Ditzy live and he will be eliminated if he doesn't shoot!"
What exactly is Graze plan? Does he even have a plan? Is he just going to walk up to them and see what happens?
…
> I ran quickly away from the house covering a lot of ground between my two teammates," I'm going to eliminate them."
So, both Cody and Derpy? Why?
…
> [ There is more to it than the game isn't it]
You’re Graze’s conscience, shouldn’t you know that?
…
> { I need to get rid of Cody and talk to Ditzy! Something important!}
Wait, weren’t you going to eliminate them? Now you only want to off Cody?
…
> [ Yeah, as much as I hate too admit with Joy,]
Agree. It’s agree, you illiterate bastard.
…
> [I want that prize and what could be so important? ]
> { Heh, my anniversary.}
He’s still hung up on this Derpy? Jesus, everyone has made it clear that this isn’t your dimension, this Derpy never met you.
…
> Should I just pop a cap in his ass and talk to Ditzy? Nah... too simple.
What? Do you want to make a grand entrance to shoot Derpy’s boyfriend?
…
> Cody then looked closer into the bush and saw my two eyes, I whispered for only him to hear," Fuck you," shooting him with a magical rounding and sending him to the loser's booth.
No, Graze. Fuck you.
…
> " Well you see, it kinda has been well over a month since Ditzy and I were going out and I wanted to get her a gift."
And that couldn’t wait until ‘after’ this was over? What was the hurry?
…
> " GRAZE! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!" Lance shouted," YOU COULD HAVE BEEN SHOT!''
Graze does whatever he wants, because he knows nobody will do anything against him.
…
> Honestly, I wanted to rip Lance limb from limb and feed him his legs
Because he made the surprisingly reasonable decision of shooting an opponent who was facing you as he was unaware that you had disarmed her?
 
 
 
>>Chapter 57 - Part 3
…
> [Lance... you're an idiot...]
For once, no, you aren’t.
 
…
> Graze stomped his hoof, "I was asking her a very important question!"
“One that in no way could have waited until this was done. Or before it started, there were several hours we skipped.”
…
> Graze screamed in rage, still pissed at me, "I'm going to win this!"
It’s a good thing Peter and David just appeared; otherwise Graze would have discharged all of his anger on Lance.
…
> Drax smiled and raised his hoof, but seconds before it made contact, he disappeared.
> I looked over to the one who did it and my mouth hung open. The Mayor!
I thought you say only two teams were left. Blegh, screw it, you’re obviously making things up as they go.
…
> As we passed a small store, I looked in and smirked. "Wait, I just found two targets."
> I smirked again, "Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon."
I insist, why are they letting little kids go against adults?
…
> I aimed at the first one, Silver Spoon, "I fucking hate you!" I fired, hitting her in the face.
> I shifted my aim to Diamond Tiara, "I FUCKING HATE YOU MORE!" I fired three times, all hitting her.
Yeah, that won’t cause some deep emotional scarring in the two fillies.
…
> <Whoa, Lance, why all the anger towards those two?>
I think Kickass222urmom felt one-upped by Graze’s sheer awfulness that he decided to be a douchebag too.
…
> I smiled, "I just hate those two."
> He looked at me strangely, "Why?"
Probably for the same reason he hates Trixie, which is to say not a good one.
…
> I shrugged, "Lets just say they mad fun of my looks."
No they didn’t. I’m sure this is the first time they are mentioned in the whole fic.
…
> He pointed out the broken window. "Aaron and Zorrow."
> I looked out, "Damn, they've teamed up!"
Could they turn around the game and come out as winners? Of course not!
 
 
 
>>Chapter 57 - Part 4
…
>"I see... We should run now."
Why? You’ve taken out bigger groups. Why are them such a threat all of a sudden?
…
> Zorrow and Aaron
I am going to infer by this throwaway phrase that we’re now reading in their point of view, which wouldn’t be necessary if you just canned this stupid gimmick.
…
> They had teamed up, mostly because Aaron had no weapon and Zorrow did.
So Aaron is just freeloading.
Wait, you’re using third person narration? Then why—Ugh, forget it.
…
> As they advance on the building, Lance and Graze burst out, running at full speed towards Sugar Cube Corner. As they ran, Graze dropped a bracelet.
Well, isn’t that freaking convenient? Now both of you have guns. It’s a good thing that Graze is freaking oblivious to everything.
…
> "Nice, now we will win this." Zorrow said as he walked up behind him.
> Aaron smirked, "You mean, I'm going to win this." He spun around and fired.
If you are going to double cross somebody, wouldn’t it make more sense to do it ‘after’ they’ve helped you take out the rest?
…
> Lance's POV
It’s not only me, right? Does this actually seem like an awful way of narrating? And an awful transition?
…
> "THERE ARE NOW THREE PLAYER'S LEFT!" Frederic said in his booming voice.
Good, now that everyone else is out, this thing can finally wrap up.
…
> <Three? But who's the other?>
Maybe Aaron or Zorrow, seeing that those are the only ponies you have seen lately.
…
> [Graze] smiled and... a ball of magic hit him in the face. He instantly vanished.
Excellent! Now we won’t have to deal with his shittiness for the rest of the chapter
…
> Suddenly, I saw a ball of magic flying towards me. I smirked, easy dodge. I jumped to the side... right into the path of the magical ball.
So, that’s it? Not even a sort of dramatic final confrontation?
 
 
>>Chapter 57 - Part 5
…
> Spike lowered his arm and smiled. He did it! He took out the last two players! He wins!
Ah of course, the completely out of the blue resolution. Hell, it could have been anybody else that hasn’t been mentioned.
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> Spike scratched the back of his head, "Yeah, I though I would get out." He then became excited, "So, what did I win?"
You win the knowledge that you had a small success in a filler chapter of an already filler fanfiction. Which is, sadly, more than you’ve done for most of the show.
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> "Well, you've just won a all expense paid trip to a local Ski Resort in the mountains. You're allowed to bring as many friends as you want."
I hope this isn’t set up for a ski resort episode.
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> I watch Graze get ready to leave.
Well it was about time.
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> Graze sighed, "Well, I'm about to leave."
Yes, no sense in
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> [Like hell you are! Me and Kill have a score to settle.
> [Oh hell yeah! Graze, we are staying to fight!]
God damn it, there’s going to be another nonsensical and poorly paced fight chapter?
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> Suddenly, I felt Break take full control of my body, pushing me back.
> The same happened to Graze.
So, it’s going to be a fight between the overtly violent personalities of the two OC’s.
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> <Well, this is going to end badly...> Joy said.
{I agree with you.} I said.
I want to agree with you, but it’s not as if it started well, either.
 
 
 
>>Chapter 58 - Part 1
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> Title: Crossover of the Consciences: Kill VS Break
Ok, fight chapter. Did Kickass222urmom and Killjoy learn how to properly write action scenes? Probably not!
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> Kill and Break will be spoken in first person a.k.a myself and Graze so we will refer to them as I or me.
If you are going to change your already shitty format, then why did you bother copypasting that same nonsense about the brackets at the beginning of the chapter?
God damn it. I wish at some point in the 80 chapters left his consciences get murdered by some OC villain, or otherwise get turned into their own ponies.
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> Kill and Break stood silently on the field, quiet as the wind blew through their manes. The tension was hyped up for two days as it was a battle of the two consciences.
You mean you’ve been standing there for two days? Because there hasn’t been any tension between you too in the last chapters.
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> They both dashed at each other at full speeds, Kill with his hoof enflamed with black corruption and Break with his engulfed with the brightest of flames.
I’m not sure if it’s intentional or not, but Kickass is implying that Kill is bad and he is good.
Either that, or he doesn’t know what “corrupted” actually means, which is a very distinct possibility.
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> " Fuck this!" I announced being controlled by Kill.
Then wouldn’t it be Kill speaking and not Graze?
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> I spun on all hooves making a one hundred and eighty degree turn and whipped my tail causing a successful distraction as his eyes were no longer on me.
Wha—? How can your tail distract Lance? Is it flashy or something else that you didn’t mention?
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> < Why are we even doing this? >
I don’t fucking now; at this point it’s just about me raging incessantly.
Oh, the fight is just because Kickass thinks he can write action scenes. Or write at all.
 
 
 
>>Chapter 58 - Part 2
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> Break then got up and wiped his hoof across his cheek, spitting out some blood," Not fucking cool."
Yeah, it’s almost as if he actually wants to fight. Weird, huh?
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> { KILL! D... SOM...TH..NG! } My voice tried to call out aiding him.
How is that aiding him? It’s like those people that advice writers by telling them “get good”.
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> I raised one hoof straight up in the air and struck down upon his genitalia.
Shouldn’t your balls be so crushed that you can’t feel anything at this point?
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> " Millionth time for this fucking month," Break said holding his balls under his breath. ( Yes, perverts, I encourage these thoughts unlike Lance).
Oh, no. Lance is perfectly aware of what he does when he puts his stupid “no don’t think bad stuff ‘key?” messages with his lame double-entendres.
You, on the other hand, are doing so in a sentence that is literally about a character holding his balls, there’s no hidden meaning or sex pun here.
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> I grew silent and fell to the floor holding my own jewels as I saw Break's hoof out where it had just made impact.
This fic has an odd fixation with testicles.
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> With one of my supporting hindlegs, I placed one gently on Break's face and tensed it gaining enough energy and force.
Why would you place it gently? Knock him out once and for all.
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>" Octavia taught me how to stand up." Kill said with a smug tone
I’ve re-read these paragraphs for the last two minutes. I still don’t understand how that is relevant. Also, what could anything a musician taught you be helpful in a battle?
And don’t say that if I had read Killjoy’s story, I would have understood that.
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> " It's time for the Seismic Toss."
Reference to Pokémon or not, I am holding that against you.
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> The intense speeds of revolutions had taken colour of my black flames
Well, then. That happened.
 
 
 
>>Chapter 58 - Part 3
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> Approximately halfway there with my continuous momentum, I rolled in mid air with my victim. With a snap and flicker of my tail, I shot him sending the black flamed trailed body to his dirt like death bed
How is Kill not flying off into space? Did he somehow transfer all of his momentum to Break? Is that what’s happening? Ok.
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> *Thud*
That’s all? I would have expected a huge explosion, or the Earth cracking, judging by the speed you were flying.
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> [ Yeah.... Wait.... It can't be! THE BASTARD IS STILL MOVING!]
*sigh* His talent is getting beaten up. It’s his get-out-of-jail card, no damage will be permanent.
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> With my distance drawing nearer to Lance's impact zone the white thick air resistance cone formed around me. Perfect.
Wait, is he going to do his cheap Rainboom knock-off?
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> " BREAK! MEET THE NEWEST ADDITION TO MY ARTILLERY!" […]" NECRO VORTEX!"
What? When did you have the time to tear physics and the show a new asshole and make this thing up? You’ve been next to Lance since you arrived here. At which point did you thought, trained, and perfected this Necro bullspooge?
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> I counted down," THREE..... TWO.....ONE..... The fuck?"
> Suddenly all my speed decelerated and my flames extinguished.
So you’re going to pull another power thing out of thin air, again. And you’re going to make it completely useless, again.
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> it was Breaking Dawn who had stopped my assault with a catch of his hooves
Didn’t Dawn said that he wanted no part of this?
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> "Now the real fight begins." I laughed loudly and slammed Kill into the ground.
Two unlikeable and unkillable characters. None of them take damage. Nothing is at stake. Remind me hos this fight is any different than the previous one.
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> His wings caught fire, and his eyes darkened even more, "KILLJOY IS HERE!"
As if that is going to make any difference. Didn’t you pull a different Rainboom while in Kill form?
 
 
 
>>Chapter 58 - Part 4
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> As he beat the crap out of my head, I smiled.
I kind of suspected Lance would be into S&M.
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> I then took off my coat and shirt showing off my two exquisite cutie marks,
Just when you thought he couldn’t be more horrid.
Come on, seriously? Two cutie marks? Aren’t you enough of a special little snowflake?
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> the tribal deviled wing and the angelic one
Of course. I should have known better.
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> " Not cutie marks, I was born with them,"
Shitty self-inserts! Just when you think they can’t get worse, they come back and punch you in the gut.
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> " Trust me, you don't want to see these bad boys at a third NecroFlare."
You are right. I don’t want to see that.
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> Break's eyes widened," Th-THIRD?! NOT EVEN CLAD CAN DO THAT! ARE YOU FUCKING WITH ME?"
Of course he can’t, the NecroFlare is Graze’s own autistic mark.
And I can clearly remember Graze telling lance that he did three of those against another alicorn OC.
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> Necro Flare Vs ShadowBlast, the outer colored perimeter from both versions of our sonic booms collided with one another, spreading throughout the lands of Equestria darkening it's skies. No longer was it a sunny day but rather a gloomy one as the shadows and dark, violent colours covered the skies.
And I’m sure nobody will mind that.
“Oh, sky turning black. That’s Wednesday for you.”
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> Lance got the first hit on me, sending me flying but he was so fast that he caught up to me before I even had time to catch my balance.
If he was indeed going so fast, then how could he turn around and go after you?
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> " Ah, BREAK YOU BITCH! I'M GOING TO FEEL THAT IN THE FUCKING MORNING!"
So, the dozens of hits you’ve received are nothing, but ‘this one’ will make you feel pain next morning.
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> I stopped in my tracks and placed him firmly on all four hooves as he was delusional from my hit and drag technique.
Exposure to Graze causes delusion. Makes sense.
 
 
 
>>Chapter 58 - Part 5
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> I hoofed him with my right and then my left picking up the momentum to spin and hit him with a spin kick from my right hind leg making two spins hitting him twice.
Remind me, why are they fighting?
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> Before he fell from the hit, I grabbed him, kneeing him in the face.
Seriously, I can’t seem to remember.
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> He then floated for a while unconsciously as he recoiled from the hit. I made one final spin with my forelegs supporting me as I bucked him with both my hind sending him high sky.
I mean, it must have been something pretty awful for them to fight this violently.
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> We both panted," Ready... for one last move?"
Yes, please wrap this up.
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> "LANCE! Stop all this now! Please!" Somepony said running towards us.
I hope it’s the police, who are here to take them down for threatening Equestria’s safety.
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> Me and Kill looked in that direction to see three mare's running towards us; Ditzy, Dali, and Twilight.
Hopefully they’ll think with their dicks instead of the void they have for brains and stop this nonsense.
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> Twilight then glared, "Stop this fighting now Break."
> I smirked, "Nah."
Break is an asshole.
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> Ditzy looked Kill, "You don't have to do this!"
> Kill shrugged, "True, I don't have to. But I want to."
Kill is even more of an asshole.
 
 
 
>>Chapter 58 - Part 6
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> Dali looked at me and looked close to tears, "Please don't continue this, your going to hurt Lance!"
She actually makes a good point. Then again, Lance was the one to start this.
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> Kill flew straight up and away from me, I did the same.
They are both assholes. Great!
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> Down below, I could hear the girls trying to talk us out of it, but it was of no use. Kill and Break wouldn't listen, they had a score to settle.
Why!? Is it because of that “training session” that didn’t do anything? Is Kill still mad about that? Then what about Graze? Why does he care?
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> I laughed as we speed closer and closer, "You stole that from Dragon Ball Z!"
And you realise this just now!?
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> When we slammed into each other, the shock waves from both of our sonic booms slammed into each other, causing a massive explosion of sound and wind.
One that would surely harm the three ponies beneath you, and probably anyone near you.
…
They knock each other out. There, it was a draw and this entire chapter was for nothing.
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> in two days, we leave for the Ski Resort, and that is going to be fun!
God damn it. That WAS foreshadowing.
At least the crossover is done.
Again, fuck this fic.
