Title:           LtD 76-78
Author:          notkickass222urmom
Pastebin link:   http://pastebin.com/tzngT1f3
First Edit:      Thursday 5th of June 2014 04:43:41 PM CDT
Last Edit:       Thursday 5th of June 2014 04:43:41 PM CDT

>>Chapter 76 - Part 5
…
> "You are not to take her out of here!" The annoying filly said.
Is this some kind of set up for a subplot about Fawn getting back on that unnamed filly?
How many subplots that go nowhere does this fic need?
…
> I could hear the filly behind me complaining to the others. All this did was increase the size of my smile.
I wonder how much of that smile is self-righteous contempt for that brat, and how much is just joy for messing with an orphan.
…
> As we stepped outside, Fawn hugged my neck, "Thank you so much Lan... ummm, can I call you... Dad?"
As long as you don’t call him “daddy”, I guess there’s no problem.
…
> I chuckled, "You have a baby brother."
> She let out a small squeal, "I do?!"
“You would know this if I had bothered to run this idea through anyone!”
…
> [Dude, I just saw that pony from before. The one from the forest.]
Right, the group of shadowy disembodied voices who are supposed to make things “[get] a little dark down past the happy times”.
Ugh…
At least it isn’t a sex scene.
…
> Who the hell is that? I'm so going to find out.
I doubt it, whoever these guys end up being, they’ve been following you for a while, and will most likely approach you in their terms.
Then again, you may just casually stumble upon each other, anything is possible in this place.
…
> But first, to get Fawn home and explain this to Twilight.
I assume it’s not going to be so much “explaining” as it will be just “Informing”.
…
> The Royal Palace, Canterlot
> "No! Nova, Star Chaser, obey me!" Luna shouted as she chased the two young foals around.
Oh, the twins. They are a thing that happened and continues to happen. They completely slipped my mind.
Also, I want to believe that someone else named Star Chaser, since it’s a fairly normal name. Nova, on the other hand, is one hundred percent Kickass222urmom.
 
 
 
>>Chapter 76 - Part 6
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> Not even a month old, and they was already flying and performing magic.
Well, it’s expected. Pound and Pumpkin were already doing all that so—
…
> Of course, they are Alicorn foals.
Aaaaaaand they’re alicorns, of course. It was dumb of me to expect anything different.
…
> This was one of the moments [Fred]'s been waiting for. The moments he gets to spend time with his wife and kids.
Why? What else do you do?
So far you’ve only been shown to fly around doing nothing.
…
> Luna jumped into the air and caught Star Chaser, "Got ya!" She turned for Nova, "Okay Nova, I got your brother, now come down here."
Oh, the ‘colt’ is called Star Chaser? Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
I just assumed the colt would be the one to get the Unusual name.
…
> Luna looked at him and smiled, "How about you do it Mr. I stand on the side lines."
Luna, have you been paying attention? Impregnating mares is the only thing that the OC’s have done that even remotely qualifies as “doing something”.
…
> He flew up in front of her and held out his forelegs, "Come here Nova."
> She began hovering towards him... but shot past him suddenly.
> He chuckled, "That little cheater." He spun around and flew after her.
Fred has demonstrated more interest in his child three lines than Lance in twenty chapters.
And it’s not as if this is a grand show of great parenthood, this is a simple everyday thing, which is also what makes it more believable than Lance’s “I fly over entire cities with my son on my back”.
…
> "Of course I signed all the papers Twi, I'm not as stupid as you think I am."
“Now, whether or not I read them is an entirely different matter.”
…
> I then told Twilight what I had done, and to my surprise, she wasn't that worried about it.
Really Lance? Has she ever complained or been dubious about anything you’ve ever done, regardless of the stupidity of said actions?
 
 
 
>>Chapter 76 - Part 7
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> In fact, she actually loved the idea of us adopting Fawn
Whoa, dodged bullet there. Imagine having to return Fawn to the orphanage. Awwwwwwk-ward!
…
> Typical Twilight.
I guess it’s typical for this twisted, empty shell of what Twilight used to be.
…
> She chuckled, "You're not stupid... most of the time that is."
I agree, when he’s not being stupid, he’s being an asshole.
…
> Have you seen Dali lately?"
> She nodded, "Yes, a hour ago. A few minutes after you left.
You mean that the whole adoption process takes less than an hour?
…
 
> “She said she and Drax were going to Ponyville to eat out."
I’m surprised Kickass222urmom didn’t put one of his silly disclaimers here.
Then again, I doubt he can identify this as innuendo.
…
> My suspicions are now conformed
Of blatantly obvious signs?
…
> "Well then, I think its time me and you had a little fun."
“The good thing about having a wife is that I get to have sex whenever I want.”
…
> [Lance, as much as I want to fuck the hell out of Twilight, I really want to get to the bottom of this mysterious pony thing.]
> <Wow, Break turning down sex. Never thought I'd see the day.>
As long as it spares us from a sex scene, I’m willing to take the butcher of Break’s sole character trait.
…
> "Not tonight Lance, I don't think its a good idea with Fawn living here now."
Oh, I see.
Lance only adopted Fawn so someone could take care of Spark while he has sex with Twilight.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
…
> "Oh... well, I'm going to go to Ponyville and check up on a few things."
After all, what kind of relationship shares its problems and is honest about the things that bother them?
…
> I then made my way to the door, "While I'm gone, you should get to know Fawn."
“After all, she’s your daughter now.”
 
 
 
>>Chapter 76 - Part 8
…
> I then stepped out of the house and sighed, so much to do and very little time.
It’s quite the contrary, actually. You have an infinite amount of time, and one single thing to do, since I’d like to remind you that you no longer have a job.
…
> Thirty two minutes later
Oh, random time jumps, how much I’ve missed you.
…
> I'm not sure I want to go in [the Everfree],
Your first instinct is to go
…
> its becoming twilight out.
If the twilight refers to the transitional period between day and night in which the last rays of the sun produce a soft glowing light, why did you say that it’s ‘becoming’ twilight? Why not say that it’s getting dark, or that the sun is setting down?
Is this Kickass222urmom’s attempt at purple prose?
…
> I don't want to be in there during the night.
Why not go tomorrow morning? Go there as the sun comes out, it’s just twelve hours of waiting.
Actually, why go now at all? Wait until tomorrow and ask a couple of you “friends” to come with you.
…
> I sighed, might as well get in there. Or Break will force me.
Why do you put up with Break? He hasn’t contributed to anything in a positive way.
Then again, the same could be said about you.
…
> I forced my way into the tree line, which was very tight, and popped out on the other side.
Really? Because I remember paths and gaps between trees long enough to let ponies pass.
…
> Damn, this forest is thick! There was overgrowth everywhere. Yeah, this was going to be hard as hell to do.
Yeah, if only you could do this in the company of other people, and during a time in which it wasn’t so dark.
But well, that’s life for you.
…
> I forced my way through the weeds and broken trees, but it was a slow process. I wish I had a machete, then this would be a cake walk.
Or you could take one of the many paths the Everfree Forest has.
Or, you know, use your freaking wings.
 
 
 
>>Chapter 76 - Part 9
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> After a good twenty minutes, I came to a small clearing, not very big.
Yes, that’s usually what small means.
…
> Just a few feet across, but enough to take a break in.
Break into what? The ground?
…
> * Crunch*
> What the hell was that?!
A noise? In the Everfree Forest?
Madness!
…
> The bushes in front of me began to shake.
Please don’t be a bunny, just show us the cultists/conspirators/separatists/hobbyists and move on.
…
> I prepared for something to jump out in front of me... but was caught off guard as something slammed into my side.
Well, Lance. If you wake up without organs, not only will I feel better, but it will be entirely your fault for coming alone at night into the creepy forest.
…
> It was the pony I had seen in the forest. I looked her over quickly.
> http://i1058.photobucket.com/albums/t414/Brony4ever/ponyWithBackground.png
So… Many… Jokes…
Speaking like… William Shatner… Doesn’t help…
“Oh no! She’s looking left of me!”
It’s quite amazing. This OC manages to irk me almost as much as an alicorn OC
Point ears, fangs, snake eyes. When you put so many things on a pony to make it look creepy, it ends up looking ridiculous.
The swamp green coat and the weird hairdo don’t help either. How is a Pegasus supposed to tie her mane like that?
The contrasting white background destroyed any immersion I could have had in the story.
Ok, let’s move on.
…
> She was on top of me, holding my forelegs down with her forelegs.
Were you also watching her eyes with your eyes?
…
> She was sitting on my stomach, holding the rest of my body down.
Again, you have an instant win form that costs you nothing to use.
…
> This is creepy...
That, it is.
…
> She leaned down and began kissing my right shoulder. Not cool!
Yet another mare obsessed with Lance? Aren’t there enough already?
 
 
 
>>Chapter 76 - Part 10
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> She sat up, blood dripping from her lips, a small piece of meat was hanging down from her teeth.
I think there’s a clear difference between kissing and biting hard enough as to rip a piece of meat from your shoulder, Lance.
…
> "I've been watching you for sometime now. Dreaming of your taste. But you know what? You taste even better than I thought."
Crazy, psychotic, cannibalistic mare is still not the most disturbing thing in this chapter.
…
> There goes my sanity.
Oh yeah, you were such an example of mental integrity.
…
> "Oh the smell... I must have another taste."
So, is she a vampire, or just into flesh eating?
…
> My loud scream echoed through the forest as she tore out a large chunk of my flesh.
If the sun has only set down recently, and your scream was heard through the forest, then it stands to reason that someone in Ponyville could have heard you. And will probably inform someone.
…
> She then took bites out of my right leg, each chunk she took out of it equaled a loud scream of agony from me.
If you don’t go into shock first, that is.
…
> This pain was indescribable
Good for Kickass, he won’t have to write a descriptive paragraph now.
But seriously, why isn’t Break kicking this mare’s ass? Why isn’t he going into Breaking Dawn mode?
You’d think the adrenaline would make him more prone to that.
…
> worst then all my stupid stuns combined.
I don’t think stuns are particularly painful, it’s more of a numb sensation.
…
> She then moved her attation back to my left leg and did the same thing, taking chunks of meat our of a few places, but leaving enough for it to still resemble a leg.
How much can she hold inside of her? That’s two legs and large chunks of your shoulders.
…
> "Mmmm, so good. Why do you taste so good?"
Well, junk food tastes great, too.
 
 
 
>>Chapter 76 - Part 11
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> I forced myself upward, but screamed out in pain as I felt the muscles in my forelegs snap and break.
Why should your forelegs snap and break? It’s not as if they’re being pulled.
Although, a better question is why are you not using your damned wings?
…
> I thought of my family, Twilight, the mare I fell in love with. Spark, the son I always wanted, but won't be able to see grow up. Fawn, my new daughter. Frederic, the only guy I think of as a brother...
Dude, what about your mother?
…
> Why does my time have to end now? WHY?!
Stop whining; if you die I’m sure God will have no problem in sending you back. But I doubt that will happen, because it should be about time that someone comes to save Lance
…
> She began to slowly bite into my neck, getting closer to the main vain.
I know it’s a typo, but I want to believe that Lance just referred to himself as the main vain, it’s fitting.
…
> "GET AWAY FROM HIM YOU CRAZY BITCH!!" I heard a familiar female voice scream out.
A woman? Being useful in the Living-verse?
Has the world gone mad?
…
> As my vision blacked from lose of blood, I saw a vine shoot out and hit the pony on top of me, causing her to fly off me.
Oh, it’s Vinetion. For a second I thought Twilight may do something.
Silly me!
…
> But, she also took a small chunk of the side of my neck with her.
Yeah, if this was a secondary character, he’d be dead. I am willing to bet that next chapter they’ll say “You were close, one drop of blood less and you would have died. For realsies.”
…
> I felt myself slip and everything around me went black.
Oh, no. I wonder if Lance will make it.
…
> Fuck you cliffhangers!
*Kickass222urmom
 
 
 
>>Chapter 77 - Part 1
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> Title: Hospital
Since the title isn’t cemetery, I’m going to guess Lance survived.
…
> Just a reminder: Everything that happens in this story happens for a reason.
“My whims qualify as a reason.”
…
> I didn't just throw that cannibal pony in because I wanted it to be there.
So, you didn’t want her to be there?
…
> I spent all week coming up with a plot for her, so it actually has something to do with this story.
You know what? I am fully aware that I’m going to be disappointed, but I want to believe that she’s going to have a backstory that will be just half as dumb as anything else in this fic.
…
> I know it seems like I'm all over the place, but remember, I never put something in my story just for the hell of it.
So all of that stupidity and mean-spiritedness was intentional?
…
> Remember the Cody chapter where he killed all the Royal Guards? Well, look were that plot lead. Cody is now a main character.
Wha—? No. That plot lead nowhere. He was just sent away and you just thrust him back into the story when you felt like it, completely ignoring the fact that he is a murderer.
If Cody’s story was even remotely planned, then you would have followed through with his trial and punishment, alongside with his rehabilitation and how he managed to get back into society and in a relationship with Derpy.
But no, you just send him to jail and forty chapters later you introduce him back saying “No, he’s cool now, that whole murder spree is in the past”.
Also, this seems to imply that the Hannibal wannabe is also going to become a main character, after an off-screen rehabilitation, I presume.
Fuck you, Kickass222urmom.
…
> Also, short chapter today.
At least this chapter has something going for it.
…
> Why? I kinda need to do some work, so yeah, I hope you all can understand.
Then do your work, it’s not as if you need the practice, nothing can make you improve.
 
 
 
>>Chapter 77 - Part 2
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> While reading this, you will see that its not very good.
Oh, my God. This is the chapter that even Kickass222urmom considers not good.
…
> Why? I'm not doing good today, as in, I'm sick.
Then why are you writing? Go do your damned work and come back when you’re better.
Or better yet, don’t come back at all.
…
> I'll do better tomorrow, I promise.
Allow me to doubt your word.
…
> I opened my eyes and blinked. A white ceiling...
I thought the Ponyville hospital had green ceiling.
…
> I listened for a few seconds, but all I heard was the beeping from the machine next to me... turn it off!
“Get rid of that machine that is telling the doctors whether I’m well or not!”
…
> The door burst open and Twilight walked in backwards
The sole purpose for Twilight moonwalking into the room is because she’s not supposed to know Lance is awake.
…
> Twilight turned towards the bed and I could see a look of relief flood her face
The relief was so strong, it didn’t wash over her face. It outright flooded it.
…
> "I want to be alone with him."
> "But I..."
“Screw you! What have you done for us besides saving my husband’s life?”
…
> The door slamming shut cutting off his words.
‘Slammed’. It’s ‘slammed’, god damn it.
…
> Twilight sighed and turned towards me, "So, do you like getting hurt or something?
All the evidence does point to that conclusion.
…
> Oh shit, I've screwed up this time
Yeah, Lance. ‘This’ time.
…
> "No Twi, its just that I saw this mare in the forest. So, I kinda wanted to know who she was."
“But I totally wasn’t going to cheat on you, despite that’s what I seem to imply.”
…
> Twilight rubbed her face with her hoof, "Oh Lance, what am I going to do with you."
Ritualistic sacrifice seems like a good option.
…
> "If Vinetion hadn't heard you screaming, you would be dead! Do you know that?!"
Sadly, I do.
 
 
 
>>Chapter 77 - Part 3
…
> I hung my head, "I know Twi, its just... You know me, I'm curious."
“And I know that my curiosity has never led to something good.”
…
> She chuckled lightly
Oh, Lance, you almost died. Hilarious!
…
> "I know, and I always knew it would almost get you killed."
Almost, not entirely killed, nothing can kill you.
…
> I let a small smile creep onto my face, "I'll be more careful, I promise you that Twi."
Yeah, I’m not buying it.
…
> "You better, you have two kids and a wife to look after."
“You just dumped another foal on me, don’t you dare dying.”
…
> I smiled, and tired to move to her, but felt a sharp pain in my forelegs.
How odd, it’s not as if you had most of your flesh torn out.
…
> She gently climbed on top of me and sat down, and rested her head on my chest, "Don't strain yourself."
“Let me strain your body instead!”
…
> *Ka-Boom*
Was it really that hard to write an explosion? It wouldn’t have taken more than a few extra words.
But it’s Kickass222urmom we’re talking about, it probably was too bothersome.
…
> *Sound of glass shattering*
Son of a—Just say that the glass shattered! Don’t insert random and inconsistent action blurbs.
Be a god damned writer, you hack!
…
> Twilight sat up quickly, "What was that?!"
> I looked past her, "I don't know..."
I’m going to go out on a limb and say it was an explosion.
…
> Five minutes earlier
Hey, Kickass? I know you’re lazy and don’t actually want to write, so here’s a tip for you.
You don’t have to put this.
If you just cut to a scene that culminates with an explosion near the hospital, we will automatically assume that it happened simultaneously to Lance and Twilight’s conversation.
…
> This scene is crap. I'm sorry, but like I said above. I can't focus anymore.
Then why are you writing? Just go to sleep and write later. Or don’t write at all, that’s a great possibility.
 
 
 
>>Chapter 77 - Part 4
…
> "How could this happen to Lance..." [Peter] whispered as he trudged along.
“His life is usually so calm.”
…
> As he looked to the sky, he saw a small Pegasus filly struggling to fly upward. The young filly was clearly struggling.
What gave you that idea?
…
> Peter stopped walking and looked upward, curious.
Wasn’t he already looking at the sky?
…
> The filly stopped and whipped her face
It’s a known fact that until a certain age, the faces of foals haven’t fully adhered to their skull, this allows these young fillies and colts to whip them with ease.
…
> Peter flew up beside her, "Huh, what you doing?"
“Besides the awful attempts at flying, I mean.”
…
> "Ummm, well... my brother said I would never be able to fly... so I'm trying to learn."
Why does this random character have a better motivation and depth than all of the OC’s combined?
…
> Peter chuckled, he loved kids
Maybe it’s just the remnants of Mr. Bleak, but I’m getting these weird pedo vibes from anyone that talks to a filly or colt.
…
> She shook her head, "No, I want to learn on my own." She then pointed to a cloud in the distance, "But, could you watch me and tell me how I do?"
First Fawn, now Unnamed Filly. Why are they the only ones with even a shred of character?
I mean, really. Since Dana, when was the last time a character had something even remotely resembling depth, or even hints towards an arc of their own?
…
> As he landed on it, he sighed loudly.
But… You offered your help.
…
> This filly better not take long, he has to get to the hospital.
Leaving aside the fact that the story of the little Pegasus is far more engaging than anything Lance could do; why would you stop on your way to visit your friend at the hospital, who has been severely injured, just to stay and help a filly you don’t know?
And don’t come with excuses about solidarity, nobody in this fic has done anything good for anyone else.
 
 
 
>>Chapter 77 - Part 5
…
> Now, why is she trying such an advanced move when she's still trying to learn? That's just stupid.
Living the Dream is normally narrated in first person from Lance’s point of view.
This scene is being narrated in the third person and is following Peter, so this is the narrator (Either Kickass222urmom, or Lance’s new omniscient but still undiscovered third conscience) just thinking aloud about the actions of the filly.
…
> Peter facehoofed, but when he looked back up, he noticed that the filly wasn't trying to dive, she was falling.
How exactly did that happen?
Did she just go Fluttershy for a moment and her wings snapped back to her sides? How can her wings get her high enough as to be falling but aren’t strong enough to let her glide to safety?
…
> Peter's eyes widened, "Shit!" He jumped off the cloud and began to fly towards her.
Well, at least he’s performing a good deed.
It’s more than what I can say about anything anyone has done lately.
…
> He pushed himself, trying to pick up speed. But, he knew at this rate, he wouldn't even come close to catching her.
Oh, God.
Is the filly going to die and send him in a spiral of depression or something? Making him vow to keep fillies safe?
Actually, I’d like that. It’d be a change of pace from the general dullness that has taken over.
…
> He pushed himself to the breaking point. The wind was slamming into his face, almost breaking the skin.
Wait…
Wind slamming? Breaking point? Skin that shouldn’t be affected directly due to the fur that ponies have?
Oh no. Not again.
 
 
 
>>Chapter 77 - Part 6
…
> Suddenly, he felt himself jerk forward, like he had been shot out of a slingshot.
It was my fault, really.
I think I brought this upon myself, what with saying that the chapters have been dull.
What did I think? That the story would try something different? No, I should have learned by now that Kickass222urmom likes to keep the shittiness of his story constant.
I’m sorry, Peter, I didn’t really care about you that much, you’re one of the few that just annoyed me.
I’m sorry that you had to fall too.
…
> He looked behind him quickly and saw a trail of purple fire, his mane and tail was also on fire. The rest of his body was thin golden flames. The flames licked at the air as he sped towards the falling filly.
At this point I’m expecting Greg to run really fast and make a Rainboom of his own.
…
> Seconds later, he slammed into her. He wrapped his forelegs around her and held tight.
The deathliness of knock-off Rainbooms seems to vary on the protagonism of the user.
…
> He began to spread his wings, trying to slow down. After a few minutes of this, he finally came to a stand still. Hovering in place a few meters above the ground.
Sure, why not. You might as well teleport to her to her house.
…
> She staggered for a few seconds, but quickly regained her composer. She turned to him and smiled happily, "Thank you so much! You saved me!"
At… At least something good came out of this, right?
Right?
…
> She looked at his flank, "Nice cutie mark."
Was that filly just casually checking out his flank?
…
> Peter looked back lazily to see his new cutie mark.
New cu—Are you kidding me!?
He didn’t have a cutie mark? And nobody made a fuss about that?
And what do you mean “lazily”? You just got your cutiemark, for crying out loud.
 
 
 
>>Chapter 77 - Part 7
…
> He smiled, a purple comet. How fitting.
How is that fitting? You’re a bloody prankster; you’ve been one since you arrived. Even if you take that out you still had music, you played the guitar.
You just did this Rainboom Knockoff with two lines of buildup, how is that your talent?
…
> Peter […] fell forward, asleep before he even hit the ground.
Weren’t you going to visit Lance?
…
> Hospital four hours later
“Hey, Doctor Stable?”
“Yes, Nurse Redheart?”
“Remember that huge explosion just a few hours ago that managed to shatter windows and most likely broke several life-support systems?”
“Yes, what about it?”
“Do you think we should investigate that, or at least inform the authorities?”
“Nurse Redheart, please get your priorities straight. We never have done paperwork for Zebra Pegasi and the insurance is up to our flanks with this.”
…
> Come on! Fall asleep damn it!
Try putting the pillow over your muzzle, I’m sure that’ll work.
…
> I was lying in bed, trying to go to sleep. But it was impossible. Stupid doctors.
“Damn those bastards, making sure I am alive.”
…
> <Relax Lance, wait till Twi gets back and then she can cast a sleeping spell on us.>
>[Dawn... shes not coming back till the morning, remember? She has to watch over Spark and Fawn.]
Thankfully you have eased her load by bringing a new foal into her life.
…
> I looked to my side and my eyes widened in happiness. A book!
Oh, right. You’re supposed to like reading too.
I can’t imagine how I could have forgotten that, seeing that it’s only been fifty or so chapters since you last read something.
…
> I reached out with my left foreleg, but cursed myself as a searing pain shot through it. Don't strain yourself Lance!
So, what’s the reason why Fred can’t do his instant-healing spell?
Even if it can’t cure him, although why the hell no, I’m sure it would at least help speed up the recovery process.
 
 
 
>>Chapter 77 - Part 8
…
> [I would so go Breaking Dawn on it if I could]
What prevents you from doing it? It’s not as if Kickass222urmom has established what going into Breaking Dawn mode does to you, it may as well heal your body.
Then again, the ‘plot’ requires you to stay in the hospital.
…
> Thankfully, the door opened. I looked down and smiled, "Ditzy! Thank God, I need somepony to talk to."
You’d think that one of his many, many friends would visit him.
I guess that saying is true, you know who your real friends in your moment of need; and in this case, it’s nobody except her wife and people doing their jobs.
…
> She shook her head, "I can't [stay], I have to finish my runs." She then pulled out a letter and dropped it on my stomach. "I'll see you later Lance."
Toldja.
…
> "No! Come back! Don't leave me in this hell hole!"
It’s a hospital, the ponies here are trying to save your life, you ungrateful whelp.
It’s not their fault that there’s no TV in Equestria, nor is it they fault that you’re too weak to read a book.
…
> I sighed and picked up the letter. I opened it and tossed the envelope away.
Didn’t trying to grab a book send waves of pain over his body? How comes he can easily open this letter and toss away the envelope with no problems?
And don’t say “a letter weighs less than a book”, he didn’t grab the book, he just stretched his foreleg and “searing pain shot through it”.
…
> Dear Lance Greenfield (Girokon)
Damn, it’s someone who knows his name, in spite of him rarely speaking with anyone outside his circle of friends.
This should be a sign of worry, right?
Right?
 
 
 
>>Chapter 77 - Part 9
…
> We are happy to inform you that we have chosen you and your family to come live in our small community of Pleasant Fields.
Damn, even Equestria has real estate spam.
…
> We are a friendly community of ponies, great for raising a family. The town is full of job opportunities, giving you a steady income of bits.
“Located in the beautiful Stepford county!”
…
> We would love for you, and only you, to come down here as soon as possible and look over your new house.
“Please use a blindfold when coming, and also be sure to enter the town backwards and spreading your cheeks.”
…
> I put the letter down and smiled. Finally, I can get my family away from those stuck up snobs.
I assume you mean the Canterlot people.
Remind me why you had to move there and you couldn’t just stay in the Golden Oaks Library?
…
> Once I'm healed, I'm going to go and check this place out.
“Because there’s nothing even remotely suspicious about this. And I probably shouldn’t tell anyone about this either.”
 
 
 
>>Chapter 78 - Part 1
…
> Title : Hospital : Part 2
But… The last one wasn’t Part One.
…
> Also, about the title for this chapter. You can tell I couldn't think of a name for it XD
You ass.
Why not call it “Recovery”, “Rehab” , or “Mindless Filler”?
…
> I recommend playing this for the first few scenes. Why? Because it fits Lance's mood
> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UQR_tdIg4vA [Embed]
I have no comment to offer here, but wouldn’t listening to this distract you from reading the story?
Oh, I see. You wanted to spare us. Thanks, Kickass.
…
> The next day, 12:28 PM
Will something happen that will justify reading about Lance in the Hospital, instead of skipping to the moment he’s discharged?
…
> God! I'm so bored!
What’s more boring than being bored? Reading about someone being bored.
…
> Twilight came by this morning, but she couldn't stay long. She had to run a few errands with Spike.
Spike is still part of this story? I can’t remember anything he’s done since winning the misleadingly mistitled Assassin’s Game and winning that stay at a Resort.
…
> I mean, last time I saw him was at the train station after we got back from the Ski Resort.
You mean you didn’t invite him to your Birthday? That’s harsh.
Then again, you didn’t invite your own mother.
…
> That was four hours ago, and I've been laying here ever since, just looking at the wall on the opposite side of the room.
Can’t you ask a nurse to read you something?
Or at least move you near a window.
…
> [Please Lance, do something fun! I can't take this anymore!]
Well, you were partially eaten while conscious, I’m sure they’d give you powerful painkillers.
Why not get high and sleep off the rest of your stay at the hospital?
…
> I looked over at the most annoying machine ever built and glared, "I will kill you."
It may be annoying, but it’s there to let the doctors know that you’re, alive.
Also, you can’t kill what’s not alive.
 
 
 
>>Chapter 78 - Part 2
…
> I leaned towards it and yelled, "I will end you!"
If you are leaning towards the machine, it means you’re supporting your weight in your limbs.
Therefore, you can grab a book and read.
…
> So bored... So freaking bored.... I actually feel like crying!
We already know he is a whiner. You don’t have to remind us.
…
> Two minutes go by, but it felt like an entirety...
So those two minutes felt like a full two minutes?
That’s not too bad, then.
…
> Wait, maybe if I slide over to the side of the bed and reached for it with my right foreleg, I may get it.
Or you could ask a nurse to prop you up and give you the book so you can read.
Or just grab the book, pain hasn’t been a problem all the other times you’ve been shifting in your bed and *ahem* using your arms.
…
> I take a deep breath and move to the left slightly, slowly sliding to the edge of the bed.
There are ponies in that exact building who are paid to do exactly this kind of thing for you.
…
> I fell off the bed, hit my chin on the desk, and slammed face first in the hard cold white floor..
Your wings didn’t get hurt, why in’s he using them to prevent the fall?
Well, if just grabbing a book caused that much pain, surely falling face first into the ground, and your forelegs recoiling and hitting the floor as well would make you pass out due to the pain.
Which would spare you the boredom of being in the hospital.
 
 
 
>>Chapter 78 - Part 3
…
> The book tilted forward to much and fell off the desk. It then struck my in the snout, sending a shock wave of pain through my head.
That’s what you get for letting your in the snout exposed.
…
> The door to the room burst open and in came the doctor, a worried look on his face, "Lance, are you okay?"
> I rolled my eyes, "Oh yes, I'm fine doc. I just fell out of bed, hit my chin and face, took a book to the nose... I'm just peachy."
I was stupid, as usual, and hurt myself. This is clearly your fault and I will take it out on you.
…
> "You know, you could have asked one of the staff to give you the book."
Which is exactly what I’ve been saying for the last five paragraphs.
…
> I facehoofed, ignoring the pain in my leg,
If you can ignore the pain in your half eaten leg long enough to facehoof, then you can grab the god damned book.
…
> I sighed and then looked at the book. A large smile formed on my face, finally!
Now that Lance is no longer bored, we face the horrible prospect that now he may actually do something.
…
> I picked it up in my bandaged forelegs and read the title, "'Daring Do and the Serpent Kingdom'."
Character has suffered an accident. Said accident leaves them stranded in the hospital, preventing them from doing what they desire to do. The characters fall victim to boredom. Eventually, they resort to reading to escape the monotony. Said book is part of the Daring Do series.
Seriously?
…
> "'Daring Do forced herself to keep up right…"
Are you actually going to read the whole thing? Do I have to make a riff within a riff?
Ok, let’s do this.
…
> "'Daring Do forced herself to keep up right as she walked through the hot desert sun. She so wanted to get out of this heat, but there wasn't a cloud in the sky. This was one of the many...'"
It’s sort of expected that a dessert won’t have clouds.
 
 
 
>>Chapter 78 - Part 4
…
> [Why does it feel like we missed some of the book?]
Why does it feel as if I missed part of my life?
…
> <I know, it was the same way in the 'Read it and Weep' episode. I don't get Equestria books.>
Rainbow Dash didn’t start the book at the beginning. She opened it almost in the middle, in good cartoon fashion, but I always assumed that it was because she had no real interest in reading yet.
…
> "'This was one of many of the challenges of the desert. Lack of water being the biggest concern.”
I don’t think a published author would use run-on sentences, but who am I to judge?
…
> Daring Do had already went through her five canteens of fresh water two days ago,
So much for rationing...
If you were going through the desert, wouldn’t you try to get the most out of your supplies? Why did you drink five canteens in two days?
How many canteens do you have? Why are you in the desert in the first place? Actually, the real question is why aren’t you using your wings. Did they got hurt again?
Did Kickass start the Daring Do book in media res just so he could skip through the plot of the story?
…
> and was already feeling the effects of dehydration.
If only you could have been prepared to deal with this.
…
> She kept going, hours passed, and still no sign of water. She saw a cactus and sighed a sigh of relief.
Quick advice, just in case any of you find yourselves in the middle of the desert.
This is a myth. Cacti don’t actually contain water, they contain a paste that contains liquid, but drinking/eating that would give you diarrhea, which is the last thing you’d need in the desert.
…
> She made her way over to it and carefully broke the top off. Inside was her prize, water.
Unless you’re in Equestria, in that case cacti are just big bottles of water with a fleshy container.
 
 
 
>>Chapter 78 - Part 5
…
> "Where to now?" She questioned to the empty desert. The map said..."
We interrupt this average adventure excerpt to bring you back your awful slice of life story.
…
> The door burst open and Greg trotted in, a large smile on his face.
“Hi, Lance. I had to come because the hospital had to check if I gave Cheerilee any STD’s.”
…
> "What do you want Greg?"
One would assume that he has come to visit you. Then again, Greg.
…
> He walked over to my bed and shrugged, "Nothing, just wanting to check this place out."
Why? You were in the hospital for a while too, what’s so different about this one?
…
> He turned and saw the other patient in the room.
Who hasn’t been mentioned until now, because that’s ‘Living the Dream’ for you; unless it directly affects the plot, it doesn’t exist.
…
> [Greg] levitated a black marker up to the stallion's face and began to draw a mustache on it, and glasses, and freckles.
At least you’re not pissing in his IV or something like that.
…
> He then blackened a few of his teeth and wrote, Dick muncher on his forehead.
Horrible punctuation aside, when did Greg become such an ass? I can’t remember a specific point, so I guess Kickass222urmom’s awful characterization eventually won.
…
> "Greg, what are you doing?"
> He smiled, "Getting me some morphine."
And taking it from someone who has lost large portions of his flesh seems the best way, huh?
…
> I shook my head, "No, that's my morphine. Take the fat ones."
What has that guy done to any of you?
…
> I held up a hoof, "Come here."
> He sighed and walked up closer to me, "What?"
“I’m totally not going to hurt you!”
…
> I smiled, "Closer." My moved my right hoof down the side of the bed to grasp the small mask and turn the tank on.
A tank? Of what? Oxygen? Those don’t get you high, why would you give that to Greg?
