Title:           wai-wai pt 11
Author:          notkickass222urmom
Pastebin link:   http://pastebin.com/GUN4035u
First Edit:      Tuesday 16th of September 2014 12:50:08 PM CDT
Last Edit:       Tuesday 16th of September 2014 12:50:08 PM CDT

>Part 23: Lyra
I would say "Hold on to your waifu!", but people don't actually have a fanon character as their waifu? Do they?
Anyway, I feel bad for Lyra, at least as much as someone can feel bad for a non-existing mint-pony, as she's forced into almost every shitty brony fic. Especially if it has humans in it. And here character is always the same shitty "OMG HANDS HUMENS HOT MONKEY DICK" character. It's incredibly overused.
 
>Ponyville: 4 weeks before John Price arrived in Equestria.
Steve hasn't become a Royal Guard yet (or a pony for that matter), which means that he has about 5 weeks to get from a random human to becoming a Royal Guard.
 
 
 
>A voice said, "Hm what's that? Steve Connor? Must be your name. Born 20 May 2000? HUH IMPOSSIBLE!... hmmm. Driver license? What's that? Health-insurance card? Weird stuff!"
Enter Loira. Let's just hope she used her magic to search through Steve's pockets, and not her mouth.
 
>His head muttered like somebody would play with a drum next to him.
That sounds like one gentle drum.
 
>Then he noted he was bounded on a bed.
Welcome to the Rape Dungeon. I wouldn't hold LoiraxSteve shipping to be beyond Andre. It could happen.
 
>"Hey, hey please stop, I won´t hurt you. I didn't do that by design and you look very bad. Did you have an accident?"
Welcome to the Kind Rape Dungeon.
"Oh, that poor hairless monkey-like creature is hurt. I better tie it to my bed."
 
>"Who is this? I SWAR I SHOOT IN YOUR FUCKING FACE IF I´M FREE AGAIN!"
English is so hard. Why even bother, right?
Oh, and I just remembered. Steve earlier claimed to have killed the unicorn who first met him and took care of him. So that might happen. Though I'm sure he had his reasons. Gotta work hard to maintain proper edgy-ness.
 
>The pony went to him, "Oh hi my name is Lyra and yes I am a pony, an unicorn but what in Cilestias name are you?"
I wonder if Andre ever finds out how to spell Princess Clerasil. It's not even a simple misspelling, but a constant error. He really believes "Cilestia" is her name.
 
 
 
It just really occurred to me, I mean truly struck me, that this entire story, 60k+ words are all so that one German can write about his Ameriboo self kicking ass and fucking horses. That is literally the only reason this exists. So that Andre to write about action and horse sex.
Think about that for a minute.
 
>Connor said, "No, No impossible speaking ponies ... no what the hell happened here? Where am I?"
I almost expected a title-drop there. Let's just be glad that didn't happen.
 
>"Please calm down, you are save I wont hurt you."
"Shh, no tears. Only secret backdoor horn fun."
 
>Lyra answered, "I founded you in the Ever-Free-Forest."
Well, that's a new (and shitty) name for that place.
 
>Connor said, "You don't know what I am?"
Weird, normally talking pastel horses have a detailed knowledge about humans and US secret agents.
 
>Connor said, "I am Steve Connor. I am a human or homo sapiens sapiens. I life in Los Angeles. I work in Washington DC. for the U.S government."
That's pretty inconvenient, considering the distance between those two places.
 
>Connor said, "USA? Unite States Of America don't tell me you never heard about that?"
Andre is such a ameriboo.
I just noticed that I'm not really commenting a lot on the story so far, but let's all be honest, who gives a shit? It's stupid anyway. You all know how this is going to play out.
 
Sorry for delays, the net is acting (un)funny.
 
 
 
>Lyra said, "You are in the magical land of Equestria."
"Welcome to my magical realm."
 
>Connor said, "OH GREAT! Ok thanks for you help now I need a plane a helicopter or a car is there anything of it?"
"Woah, this magical horseland that I've never heard of and only found when time-travelling sure is strange. I bet I could grab a car and drive back to the US."
 
>Lyra said, "Ehm it´s Monday the 8th May 116354 and we lived on the Earth, why?"
Even though humanity died, the ponies kept our time system. Seems awfully convenient. Or lazy. But that might just be me being overly critical, right?
 
>Lyra answered, "No sorry, I never heard about your kind or what happened to them maybe Twilight Sparkle can help you?"
>Connor asked, "Is she a human?"
That's like the fifth time in >1000 words that you've asked that question, Steve. You're not the brightest agent, are you?
 
>Then he saw Lyra´s horn glowing.
>Connor asked, "You you can use magic?"
This is a example of things you shouldn't do while writing. Steve is leaping to a mostly baseless assumption, and Steve does not properly function as a "window" for the readers to use. It makes this entire conversation extremely fake and unengaging.
 
 
 
>Connor asked Lyra, "Lyra I have a question."
>Lyra´s eyes widened, "YES ASK ME!"
"YES TAKE ME!"
But her excitement is understandable. Not only is he a middle-aged pink skin-ape, but he has all the intelligence and charisma of wet clay. It's enough to make any mare wet at the nethers.
Why is it that being a self-insert/shitty human protagonist is enough to make the character drown in horse pussy? Is human dick-smell like the most potent of pheromones for mares? Are they all equipped with dick-seeking capabilities? Or is it simply just pure wish-fulfilment?
 
>Connor asked Lyra, "Can you transform me into a ... Pegasus pony?"
>He looked at his hands and body...now he had hooves. He was a Pegasus. A white Pegasus with wings.
Well, that was exciting and engaging.
I'm actually surprised/glad that pony-Steve is neither black nor red, and even though he's still a shitty character, Andre knew better than to make him some alicorn. At least yet.
 
>pic related
According to the DeviantArt source, that OC is called Milky Way. So that's what I'm going to call pony-Steve from now on. I'm sure it will go smoothly, and cause no confusion.
 
 
 
>Lyra answered, "You can switch between your humanity and your pony body."
>Connor´s eyes beamed. "REALLY WOW THANK YOU!"
WHY ARE WE SHOUTING?
Just when you thought this fic couldn't get any lazier.
 
>Connor said with an evil thought, "Perfect now I can spy this stupid fools however I want."
NSA in Equestria.
What is he even spying for? He has no declared mission or course of action, and he has a chance to re-establish his life? Is he simply a voyeur?
 
>Connor closed his eyes. "Be a human."
>*PUUUUFFFFF*
>LOL it worked. Really. Perfect.
Once I'm done riffing this, I'm going to contact Andre and ask if he can record himself reading some of these chapters. I'm serious. I want to hear him play out these stupid sound effects and maymays.
 
 
 
>Connor said to her, "Hey Lyra thanks for everything. But please don't tell anyone else that I am a human, please!"
>Lyra said, "Eeehm oh ok. But don't hurt them. I promise I wont tell anypony about you."
>Connor said, "Thank you Lyra. I promised if YOU don't say anyone else about me."
>Steve smiled to her, "...or I rope out your horn!" he thought.
NO, NOT ROPING! Andre, this is no laughing matter! Billions of innocent unicorns get roped every minute. By writing about this, you're supporting rope culture, and I will have to ask to you put "TW: Rope" on your story. I bet several unicorns reading your story have already been heavily triggered, and are undergoing angst related to Post-Roping Stress Disorder right now.
Don't make me write a angry blog post about this, because I will ask you to check yourself, shitlord!
 
Sorry for that.
 
>Steve went outside.
Chapter over?
 
>Steve left the house.
Oh. Yeah. Because stepping outside isn't the same as leaving the house. Got it. Thanks for the clarification.
At least Loira is still alive, and her appearance was far less autistic that expected. So that's probably good, though that's unlikely to be the last we see of her.
 
Well, that was a trainwreck.
Chaper 23 is fin.
