Title:           LtD 70-72
Author:          notkickass222urmom
Pastebin link:   http://pastebin.com/zXk75hRy
First Edit:      Sunday 18th of May 2014 02:14:21 AM CDT
Last Edit:       Sunday 18th of May 2014 02:14:21 AM CDT

>>Chapter 70 - Part 1
…
> Title: Who am I?!
If this is a crossover with that German fic I will break my computer.
…
> I'm making something for this chapter.
I doubt it involves giving it quality.
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> 12 days after party
Ah, the lovely and unnecessary time cuts.
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> "Click that one!" Break said
Did… did Kickass222urmom finally got rid of the formatting for Break and Dawn’s dialogue?
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> He then went back to scrolling through the list of memories.
Oh, right. It’s just for the times they use that computer, memory-archiving thing that was on the Ski Res—wait, what? So, that computer that appeared out of nowhere back then was actually conjured by Twilight’s magic? How did that happen?
…
> Break grabbed the other side, "You can take this from me! I want to relive Lance's first time!"
You mean the two seconds of penetration that somehow made Twi pregnant?
…
> Dawn grabbed the side of the computer, "That's it! I'm taking this away from you."
You are supposed to be the metaphysical representation of Lance’s consciousness.
Nobody could see you and you couldn’t interact with anything, when did you gain the ability to do so?
Does it only work with the computer?
Is this like “Ghost” and you’re training to be able to touch and interact with things in the physical world?
…
> Break smiled victoriously... until he heard a loud crash and the sound of glass breaking.
Good, you’re getting rid of things that were tacked on into the story to move the “plot” along. Are you targeting the OCs next?
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> Break rubbed the back of his head, "I hope that wasn't too important."
Something being important? In the Living-verse? Don’t be silly, break.
…
> Scene switch over to Lance
Why are you doing this, Kickass222urmom? You’re not writing a play, you’re allegedly writing a novel, narrate the freaking change of scene, don’t just say “now we’re here”.
 
 
 
>>Chapter 70 - Part 2
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> “I need to find my old book on spells."
I would say that, since it’s her book, she should have taken it with her when she moved with Lance. But then I remembered that he’s the one that packed her bags, which explains why many of Twilight books were left behind.
…
> What? I'm a sucker for a good romance...
And you’re good for sucky romance.
…
> Twilight turned and glared slightly.
Can you glare slightly?
…
> I turned and looked at Twilight, making sure she wasn't looking. I then slipped the book in my saddlebags.
Lance somehow feels embarrassed by his liking of romance novels.
Out of everything wrong with him, ‘that’s’ what embarrasses him.
…
> Man, I can't wait to get back and spend some time with Spark. I hope Dali is taking good care of him.
I wonder…
If Deela can’t touch anyone because of her culture, how would she consider touching a baby? Or is she poking Spark with a pole?
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> My head began to pound slightly. What the...
Maybe all the concussions Lance suffered throughout the story are finally catching up to him.
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> I let out a yell of agony... okay a scream of agony, happy?!
‘Yell’ is a perfectly appropriate word to use in this sentence. And no, I am not happy.
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> I began to recoil around on the floor as the pain was increased.
First of all, I don’t think ‘recoil’ is the best word to use here. Writhe, maybe? Or maybe squirm, contort, convulse? And what do you mean by “the pain was increased”? Increased by who?
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> Twilight watched as her husband thrashed around on the floor, tears in her eyes.
If you’re writing using first person narration, why would you abruptly change to third person?
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> He raised and eyebrow, "Who are you?!" He began to thrash around and jumped away from her and stood.
Seriously? He lost his memories? Just like that, random headache, collapse into the ground, *poof*, memories gone?
 
 
 
>>Chapter 70 - Part 3
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> Twilight stood, a tear in her eye, "Its me... Twilight..."
Is this the reason why Break, ugh, broke that memory machine thing? Just so this plot point could be dragged?
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> He backed away, "Twilight? What kind of name is that? Sounds like one of those gay Twilight fans."
Why would any fan of those trashy vampire series call themself “Twilight”? Aren’t all of those characters named more-or-less normal things?
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> He raised an eyebrow, "Break and Dawn? Is that who's talking in my head. Because to be honest, they're freaking the hell out of me."
You say they’re “freaking the hell out of you”, but you don’t seem to be more than mildly annoyed by the discovery that you can hear voices in your head.
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> "I know! Maybe they know whats going on!"
> Lance shook his head, "I doubt it, they sound like idiots."
Well, Lance, they ‘are’ you.
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> His eyes widened, "Whoa, cool it you freaking horse thing!"
So, how much has he forgotten? Enough to not remember anything from the show, it seems.
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> She shot the magic out and collapsed. It hit Lance in the forehead and she slipped inside his mind.
This is the spell that Twilight intended to use on Lance to see his rape-by-horse memory.
Now that I think about it, Lance passed out that time, too. Maybe this is the aftermath of Twilight’s spell?
…
> Lance's mind
Again with the bland transitions.
Anyway, why is Twilight entering Lance’s mind to talk with Break and Dawn? Wouldn’t it be better to whip out one of those computer thingies out of thin air again, so Lance can see his consciences again, along with his memories of this place?
Wait…
Is all of this nonsense happening because Break, ugh, broke that first memory machine?
 
 
 
>>Chapter 70 - Part 4
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> Normal world
For a given value of normalcy.
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> Twilight stood and shook her head, "Those two... they're just like Lance in every way."
Which begs the question, why do you put up with Lance? Actually, why are you two even in a relationship? Why are both of you in love?
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> She looked at Lance.... but he wasn't there.
Well, what did you expect would happen? You left Lance alone and with no memory of who or where he is. You should have restrained him, at the very least.
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> I looked at the strange horse thing as it fainted. I though it was going to attack or something, but all it did was shot me with some kind of light. Strange.
And why are you sure that it wasn’t an attack? For all you know, she could have shut off your liver or kidneys.
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> I looked around and shook my head. I hate this place already.
Is he supposed to have lost his memories, or become an angsty douche? Well, more than he already is.
…
> who am I? Where am I?
I wonder if Andre was reading this when inspiration struck him.
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> I look around again and saw a door. I walked over to it and opened it.
Prime quality narrative.
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> Behind the door was the outside world.
Well, color me impressed.
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> The position of the sun indicated that it was probably mid-afternoon or so.
What’s with the descriptions? Kickass222urmom usually breezes through that.
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> I could see other horses... well, now that I look at them, they look like ponies.
Real life ponies, or horses for that matter, don’t look like the ponies in the show. How can you know they’re ponies if you have no reference or size, and have forgotten everything about the show?
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> As I strolled down the street, they were all waving, being friendly. To friendly, I don't like it here.
Why? You were so chipper when you first arrived.
 
 
 
>>Chapter 70 - Part 5
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> Greg nodded for a few seconds, then smirked, "So, you don't remember anything?"
Quick, take advantage of his situation. He trusts you, because reasons, so you can make him believe anything.
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> He smirked, "Your name is Bitch Magnet."
You blew your chance of giving him a stupid name, Greg. Though I must say “Bitch Magnet” is already stupid.
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> He nodded, "Yes, you are the test dummy for the group. You let us beat the shit out of you and you take it like the bitch you are."
That’s better.
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> "Your my bitch, so that means, you give me all your money that you've earned."
Yeah, I don’t think anyone would give their money to a stranger just because they say so.
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> I reached back to my saddlebag and opened it. I pulled out a small bag of coins and tossed them to him.
Putting aside that Lance is somehow used to his pony body immediately, why the hell is he giving Greg his money?
Actually, why are Break and Dawn allowing Lance to give all of his money to Greg? Are they so busy with fixing that machine inside of Lance’s mind that they’re not paying attention to what their vessel is doing? Why?
I know he can’t get hurt because of the aura of protagonism that surrounds him, but it still seems stupid to leave the memory-less Lance unattended.
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> He caught them and smiled, "It actually worked!"
“What I just said shouldn’t arise any suspicion!”
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> He chuckled, "Purple pony? You mean the towns crazy lady. Don't listen to her, she's crazy and thinks everyone's her husband, even me."
This won’t come back to haunt either of them.
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> He turned again, "Lets go. I have to do something that I'm only going to get one chance with."
More horse rape?
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> Twenty minutes later
Not nineteen or twenty one? Odd…
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> I stood outside of a bakery while Greg sampled Pinkie's contents.
Hey, Kickass. This is one instance of a double entendre; you can put your dumb warnings here.
 
 
 
>>Chapter 70 - Part 6
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> As I stood there, a olive green mare walked up to me, holding a cup of coffee.
It’s “an”, you illiterate dimwit. Anyway, Vinetion is going to take advantage of Lance’s memory loss/stupidity episode.
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> She smirked and stomped the ground. A single blue flower arose. She then picked it up and handed it to me.
Poison Joke. This should be mildly amusing.
If Lance has no real talents or passions, how would the poison joke affect him? Maybe he’ll act in such a way that everyone will realise how much of an ass he is.
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> She smiled, "It'll give you your memory back. All you got to do is rub it on your body."
If you had no memory of, uh, anything at all, would you go around doing whatever strangers told you to do?
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> I looked at her, "When will I get it back?"
> She smiled, "The day you get your memory back."
I’ve read this part several times, and I still don’t understand why Vine is laughing.
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> [Greg] held out his hoof, "Okay, for walking away you owe me another bag of bits, hand them over."
Didn’t he already take all of his money?
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> He caught them and smiled, "Wicked. Now, lets go mess with that crazy lady."
I assume he means Twilight. Why would he want to mess with one of the most powerful unicorns in Equestria?
 
 
 
>>Chapter 70 - Part 7
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> [Fucking finally! That took forever!]
> <Yay! We fixed the memory bank!>
Ugh, the stupid brackets are back.
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> I could feel and see memories coming back to me. It was like a wave of pictures hitting me in the face. I squeezed my eyes shut against the pain.
I can’t imagine the pain that must come with reliving everything that has happened so far.
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> "You fucking asshole! You almost made me cheat on my wife!”
“You prick, just wait until I tell this to Deela when we’re in bed hugging each other.
…
> No details of the fight.
I could call you lazy for skipping over something, again. But I’m glad we don’t have to suffer through your “fight scenes”.
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> All I'll say that happened was this: Lance beat the crap out of Greg, then went Breaking Dawn on him, then Raging Breaking Dawn... yeah, it wasn't pretty.
Almost killing him seems like fair retribution.
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> I looked at the plant she had given me. My eyes widened.
Yeah, that’s your fault. You didn’t know her and you trusted what she said.
 
 
 
>>Chapter 71 - Part 1
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> Title: Back to School.
I don’t think there’s anything the education system can do for Kickass222urmom or Lance.
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> This is a great chapter!
You mean, comparatively speaking?
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> I had fun writing it!
That can’t end well.
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> It also sets up a whole new plot :D
> It also sets up plot
FTFY
Then again, I doubt you’ll live up to that promise.
…
> Two days after Vine tricked Lance into rubbing Poison Joke on himself.
And still nothing has happened to him, I suppose.
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> "Go to sleep Lance!" Said Twilight
> "I can't Twi! If I go to sleep, the Poison Joke will take effect!"
Was it ever established that poison joke took effect after a determinate amount of time, or was it during the victim’s sleep? I can’t recall the episode right now.
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> For all we know, it'll turn me into a mare! Or worst! It may take away my dick!"
And since that’s what comprises your entire character, you might disappear entirely.
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> [*Yawn* Dude, if we don't sleep *Yawn* We're going to have a repeat of the Russian Sleep Experiment.]
Don’t mention things I’d rather read instead, Kickass222urmom.
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> I waved her off, "I'm find. Its not effecting me in anyway."
“See? My grammar has improved!”
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> "You went on a long rant about how the chair in the living room is to hard. You yelled at Zorrow for a whole hour just because he bumped into you.”
So, things are normal so far.
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> "Nag nag nag. That's all you do. Oh, I'm sorry, Mrs. Nag isn't here leave a fucking message!"
Did he just refer to himself as Mrs. Nag?
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> I had passed out while standing up and feel backwards, hitting the door and taking it off its hinges.
I suppose the slapstick is… Humorous?
 
 
 
>>Chapter 71 - Part 2
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> The next day, 7:43 AM
Maybe I’m looking at this from the wrong angle. Maybe there actually aren’t any round numbers for time in Equestria.
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> I jumped off the bed and landed on the floor... why is everything so big?
Oh, I see where this is going.
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> I was a colt, a young one.
Yep. The poison joke transformed Lance’s body so it would reflect his current mental age.
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> [Twilight] smirked, "See, I told you it wouldn't be that bad."
Yeah, I expected worst, although not really. Living the Dream will disappoint you regardless of your expectations.
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> She rolled her eyes, "You're not that young. You look like your Apple Bloom's age. […] I think she's four."
What? There’s no way that she’s four.
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> "You see Lance, ponies here mature very fast. Take Spark for example, he'll be up and talking within a year or so."
This raises so many questions.
First of all, if ponies mature more rapidly, then does that mean that Twilight is technically twelve?
I think this whole age/maturity thing was introduced so Spark could begin to speak in a couple of chapters; which means that, once again, Kickass222urmom manipulated logic so it could serve his story.
…
> "A year... that means, he'll be as mature as a six year old in my world? Damn, they grow up so fast..."
What?
How many kids do you know that began to speak when they were six? Actually, scratch that.
If Kickass222urmom didn’t speak until he was six, then that could explain his current state of mind.
…
> Twelve years of enjoyment with my son... not enough time. "That sucks..."
Bullshit. Three chapters ago you were whining about having to take care of him.
…
> "Oh Twi, I want to tie you to the bed and buck you all night long. I want to taste your..."
“Hey, Twi. Does pedophilia turn you on?”
 
 
 
>>Chapter 71 - Part 3
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> "Lance!" She screamed out, her face turning red, "Stop it... its creepy when you're a colt."
I’m sure it’d be even creepier if a full grown Zebrasus was saying that.
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> I laughed, "Wanna fuck a young school boy like myself?"
I really, really want to believe that this is a joke.
…
> She glared, "Okay, that's it. I'm going to go to Zecora's and get that potion made for you."
But… It’s been more than two days since Lance was infected by the Poison Joke, why didn’t you ask Zecora to make some for you before?
Why did you have to wait to see the effect of the Poison Joke before you tried to get the antidote?
Why doesn’t anyone in this fic act with a little bit of common sense?
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> "Holy shit, Lance, is that you?!"
“You look slightly less ridiculous than usual!”
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> He flew for a few minutes until I could see a red building coming up... oh shit! Its the school!
What are the chances of Lance learning something? Zero and dwindling.
…
> damn, his pie throwing legs must be strong!
Yeah. “Pie throwing” legs.
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> Peter sat me down and rested his hoof on my head, "I got you a new student."
Don’t let his horrible appearance fool you. He’s just as awful on the inside.
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> [Ow ow! Say your name is Isaac or something awesome!]
Unless you’re an Amish, I don’t think “Isaac” is an awesome name.
…
> "Uhh... I'm... uhhh, I'm Stripes." I stuttered.
Dumb. But not as dumb as “Girokon”.
…
> One pony, Diamond Tiara, leaned over to her friend, Silver Spoon, "To old for school. Today is going to be fun!"
You’d think that Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon would recognise the maniac that kicked them off the Assassin’s game.
After all, how many cyan Zebra/Pegasi hybrids are there?
…
> I glared at them and mouth the words, 'Touch me and I'm going to fuck you up!'
I’s a good thing nobody ever tells on Lance with any authority figure, because he could have been thrown in jail several times.
 
 
 
>>Chapter 71 - Part 4
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> I shook with anger, but held it down and walked back to the seat I was assigned. I'm going to get him back for this!
What is preventing him from just flyi—walking away? He’s going to get the antidote soon enough, and he’s been clear enough about his distaste for school.
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> Oh God! Algebra! My one true enemy.
I assume you say that because you have already vanquished and killed Grammar.
…
> It was a crappy drawing of four colts, one on the ground, and the others standing around him. There was a caption, New kid gonna get his flank kicked.
Now, the sensible thing to do would be to tell the teacher and the kids’ parents. After all, you have evidence.
So, of course Lance won’t do that.
…
> Dear Blitz,
> I hate to inform you, but after today, you won't have any genitals left. The colt Stripes is going to kick your bucking ass and rip off your stallion hood and make you eat it.
> The colt who gives no fucks,
> Stripes
> P.S. Tell your mom I left my pants in her room.
Way to go, Lance. Way to go.
…
> I sat back and smirked, he's not going to do anything.
Hopefully not. I have the feeling he’d have no problem with beating up a bunch of kids.
…
> I sighed and jumped out of my seat and turned to walk outside... only to run into a filly.
Boy, Lance is surely being productive today.
…
> The filly in front of me stood, rubbing her head, "I'm sorry... Ummm, wanna eat lunch with me?"
I really, really, really hope Kickass222urmom doesn’t write a romantic subplot with a filly, a filly that has already been stated as not having more than four years.
…
> <Somepony likes you Lance.>
> [Oww, you do get the bitch's!]
You know, for being Lance’s consciences, they’re not doing a good job.
…
> {Quiet, both of you! I don't think she likes me, may just want to be friends with the strange new kid.}
Yes! Friendship! There’s no need for there to be anything more between you two.
 
 
 
>>Chapter 71 - Part 5
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> [Oh my God! Lance, you're doing it again!]
> {What again?}
> [Remember when we got here, you was all naive to Twilight liking you. You're doing it again!]
So he should lead on this poor filly that is just trying to be friendly?
Really?
…
> She gasped, "No food!" She reached down and picked up a paper bag, "Here, the orphanage always gives us enough food for two."
Oh, God. She’s an orphan? Run, little girl, you have suffered enough in your life.
Also, welfare in Equestria must be excellent if an orphanage in a remote town like Ponyville can afford giving kids double lunch.
…
> "What happened to your parents?"
What do you think happened, asshole?
…
> "My names Little Fawn."
Well, that’s a relief. At least it’s not Scootaloo.
…
> I smiled, "Nice name. Can I just call you Fawn?"
> She nodded, a smile on her face, "Yes of course!"
Damn, she’s adorable. I think I may actually feel bad when Lance inevitably breaks her heart.
…
> She opened the bag and pulled out a few food items: Apples, hay, bread, something I think was jam, and three bottles of something.
If she was given food for two, why did the orphanage give her three bottles?
…
> She smiled, but I could sense sadness in her voice, "Oh, its great. They let us go out when ever we want and give us plenty of toys to play with. Its fun, I mean it..."
If Lance “Deela is just my best friend” Greenfield can sense the sadness in her voice, she must be the saddest thing ever.
…
> "No, I really do love it there... very much. Who needs parents." A single tear rolled down her face.
This is so sad.
And awful.
But mostly sad.
…
> She looked up, tears in her eyes, "No... no I won't! Every time somepony comes there, they just look at me and shake their head. I'm unlovable.."
Geez… Did you also have a puppy that died?
 
 
 
>>Chapter 71 - Part 6
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> She shook her head, "Yes I am! All the others pick on me because of it, especially Diamond Tiara. She's the worst of them all... I'm a failure.."
Fawn’s story is so sad it’s not even funny.
This is the worst kind of sad backstory. Not the completely artificial and manufactured side, but the fact that it actually succeeds at being mildly saddening ‘despite’ being completely artificial and manufactured.
I don’t think this is a victory for Kickass222urmom, but it’s certainly a defeat for me.
…
> "That's him guys. The one who things he's all big and bad." I heard a familiar voice behind me.
Yes, please. Show me a horrible action scene if it means no more Little Fawn Depression Hour.
…
> I shook my head, a dead stare on my face, "No, I don't want to hurt you three."
I really hope you don’t. They’re three kids and you’re an overpowered being from another dimension.
…
> Blitz walked up, a smug look on his face, "Here, I'll give you a chance. Say your weak and a wimp and we'll let you go."
“We promise we’ll let you go. Bully’s word.”
…
> Blitz's slammed his front hoof into my gut, knocking the air out of me. He then spun around and bucked me in the chest, hard.
How strong can four year olds really be?
…
> Butch slammed his free hoof into my face, busting my lip.
This could have been avoided if you hadn’t gone to eat in the most secluded place in the playground.
…
> Blitz's laughed and bucked me again, right in the groin.
I doubt your testicles have descended by age four, so you’re safe.
…
> My eyes widened as the sharp searing pain shot through my body.
It’s odd. This scene has far better writing than most of Kickass222urmom’s fight scenes.
…
> Blitz smiled and walked up, "You had enough colt cuddlier?"
You’re four. None of you have developed your sexuality, your insult is completely pointless.
 
 
 
>>Chapter 71 - Part 7
…
> I heard Fawn scream out, "Leave him alone!"
Hey, Fawn. How about going for Miss Cheerilee? I’m sure she can help.
…
> [Kinda late, don't you think?]
Oh, shut up you ungrateful whelp.
…
> I clenched my teeth, "Leave her out of this. Your problem is me, not her."
You know, I am actually enjoying this.
A bunch of little kids reenacting several action movie clichés made me chuckle.
…
> He raised an eyebrow and smirked, "So, your weak point is her? Butch, Hardhoof, make him watch this."
This is your fault, Lance. You could have easily told her to scram, have her run away crying, get beaten up for a while, and then apologise later.
Hell, when Cheerilee found Fawn crying, she’d tell her about the bullies and this whole thing would be over.
And even if she doesn’t, your talent is getting beaten up, you can take it.
…
> I felt anger boiling up inside me, "Don't you fucking touch..."
Is this what will trigger you into going Breaking Dawn in the bullies?
…
> "This is priceless! Make him watch me hurt his filly friend."
These kids are extremely douche for a bunch of four year olds.
I can expect teenagers to act like this, teenagers suck; but this kids are in kindergarten, what the hell?
…
> *Mental snap*
This many mental snaps can’t be good for Lance’s psyche. Then again, there’s not much to wreck.
…
> *Breaking Dawn mode!*
Yeah, your super forme that can easily kill someone. I understand that it didn’t kill Graze, because that was played for laughs; but this is supposed to be a dramatic moment, and you’re going to fight a bunch of four year olds, whose bones probably haven’t hardened yet.
…
> When my hooves connected, so did their heads. They bounced off each other, falling to the ground.
I have the nagging feeling that nobody will get mad at Lance for endangering the life of a bunch of shitty kids.
 
> "YOU DO NOT..." I slammed my hoof into his face, causing a small amount of blood to pour from his lip, "HURT FILLY'S!"
The exclamation points of fillies are very delicate, and they shouldn’t be hit.
 
 
 
 
 
>>Chapter 71 - Part 8
…
> I punched him again, causing a little more blood to come out of his mouth.
Considering that every “serious” fight Lance has had has been to the death, when was he planning to stop beating Blitz?
…
> Before I could hit him again, something grabbed me and pulled me off him.
Hopefully it’s Miss Cheerilee, who has come to call off this nonsense.
…
> Butch turned me around and punched me in the chin.
No, it’s not. It was my fault for expecting a swift conclusion to this chapter.
…
> I glared and grabbed his shoulders and slammed my head into his. He staggered back and fell to the ground, unconscious.
And with a concussion and possible brain trauma.
…
> I turned and jumped on Blitz, and began to repeatedly hit him.
Correct me if I’m wrong, but doesn’t Breaking Dawn have flaming hooves that should be burning Blitz’s fur?
…
> I turned to see Fawn, curled up in a ball.
 
Excellent job, Lance, you further traumatized the orphan.
…
> I concentrated and forced myself out of Breaking Dawn.
Wasn’t there another one?
…
> something slammed into me. Fuck! I forgot about Hardhoof!
Odd, since there were only three of them. Then again, after seeing you go Breaking Dawn, why would Hardhoof try to fight you?
…
> My eyes caught fire and my hooves turned red, smoke rising from them.
Oh, there they are. Now let’s burn a colt.
…
> "What are you?!"
> I smiled a corrupted smile, "Your mom!"
I’m your mom…
Kickass222urmom.
…
> I slammed my head into his, then again, and again, till his eyes rolled up in the back of his head.
And this is how Lance put another foal in a coma.
…
> I walked over to Fawn and leaned down, "Are you okay?"
“I know you just witnessed an atrocity, and you should be scared shitless or even catatonic. Want to finish lunch?”
 
 
 
>>Chapter 71 - Part 9
…
> All the ponies were standing in a circle around us, looks of horror on their faces.
Oh, so everyone was watching and did nothing while the bullies were going to you, nor when they started to beat you?
…
> Even Miss Cherilee was frozen in place at what she had just seen.
Really? Really!? The teacher was there and in no moment she thought about calling for help when she saw one of her students get beaten, or when said student went super saiyan and nearly killed the other three kids?
…
> I bit my lower lip and rubbed my hooves together, "So yeah, that's the main reason why you don't hit filly's."
Not because it’s wrong, but because an overpowered hybrid will beat you up?
…
> Shit.... this is awkward...
Totally. Beat three kids into a partially living and breathing pulp? Emmm-barrasing!
…
> "He hurt three other students! One of them can barely talk!" Miss Cherilee yelled as Peter stood there, a worried look on his face.
Oh Miss Cheerilee, thank you for being the first person in seventy or so chapters that is willing to make Lance face the consequences of his actions.
I mean, we all know that there’re not going to be any serious retaliation against Lance for his reckless endangerment of children’s lives. But the intention is what counts.
…
> "Look... I don't really care..." He started.
“So what if three children almost died?”
…
> He gulped, "Because, he's not my kid..."
And really, he shouldn’t be here; and nobody was keeping him here, he was free to go away at any moment.
Even if Miss Cheerilee went Mr. Rooney on Lance’s ass, she just had to talk to Twilight to clear any confusion.
This whole chapter had no reason to exist; then again, neither does this story.
 
 
 
>>Chapter 71 - Part 10
…
> I smiled, that's what you get Peter.
That’s what Pe—? What the hell are you talking about?
Did he force you to stay in the school? Did he force you to beat up those kids? No, that was all you, Lance.
‘You’ are the one that let Peter take him to the school.
‘You’ are the one that didn’t clear things up with Miss Cheerilee.
‘You’ are the one that stayed at the school.
‘You’ are the one that didn’t tell the teacher when you were threatened.
‘You’ are the one that faced the bullies.
‘You’ are the one that went Breaking Dawn on them and nearly killed them.
All that happened today was because of you, Lance.
Screw you.
…
> I looked up and became relieved, thank God! It's Twilight!
Will Twilight get mad at Lance for what he did? Will the devastated mothers ask for Lance to be exiled from Ponyville? Will I bash my head against the wall in frustration?
Only one of these questions can be answered with a yes!
…
> I chuckled, "Oh you know. Bully hits me, I hit him, his friends gang up on me, I beat them down, and repeat."
“And by beat down I mean almost kill.”
…
> I shrugged, "They started it."
So I put all of them in a coma.
…
> Fawn smiled, "I'm Little Fawn... Are you Stripes mom?"
I think I like Fawn. She’s the only character with whom I’ve felt even the faintest traces of sympathy, at least since Dana and Captain Barehoof.
…
> Her head snapped up, "Oh yeah! Here you go honey." She levitated a small bottle over to me.
But… In the episode, the effects of the Poison Joke were reverted with a special bath, not by drinking a potion.
Is anyone going to explain that change? No? Ok, then.
…
> A few seconds passed, then a minute, "Ummm, Twi, why am I still a colt?"
Because reasons.
More importantly, why aren’t Fawn, Peter or Cheerilee saying anything? They’re right there, after all.
 
 
 
>>Chapter 71 - Part 11
…
> I thought for a second, "Pretty big. It had a few purple and red dots on it and it had a single green leaf."
And you didn’t think of mentioning this before? That’s not how normal Poison Joke looks like, shouldn’t that have made you think twice about it?
Then again, probably not. At this point I’m not even sure if Kickass222urmom watches the show.
…
> "Lance... That was a more advanced type of Poison Joke.... It's effects last a month... or forever."
Call me crazy… But I think this is great.
You’ve just gained an additional 14 years of life, who wouldn’t be happy about that?
…
> Fawn looked at us, "What's going on?"
This, little Fawn, is what is commonly called a plot contrivance.
…
> Miss Cherilee walked in, a glare on her face, "Yes, what is going on?"
You go, Cheerilee! Show them what a responsible adult is capable of doing!
…
> Twilight's horn began to glow and it encased me and her. Second's later, we appeared in our room at Dali's.
That’s it? Twilight is not even going to talk to Cheerilee about the brutal beating of those three colts? Lance isn’t going to say goodbye to Fawn either?
…
> She turned, a tear in her eye, "There's no known cure..."
Why are you crying? It’s not as if he’s going to die, sadly.
…
> She looked down, "Hope... All we can do is hope that this ends in a month..."
Get ready for a month of young Lance in Equestria.
…
> I fell to my haunches, "It better, I hate this body... and school..."
Again, you have no reason to go to school.
Despite the overwhelming amount of evidence to the contrary, you are not a kid. You already went to school.
…
> She leaned back and smirked, "So, who was the girl?"
> I smiled, "What, you jealous of her?"
Please, don’t imply that Twilight ‘should’ be jealous of a four year old.
 
 
 
>>Chapter 71 - Part 12
…
> Her eye's widened, "NO! I mean, no, I'm just curious."
Let’s pretend for a second that they’re a real couple, they know each other well and there’s some degree of understanding between each other.
That means that Twilight thinks that a four year old could sway Lance and take him away.
And I’m sure nobody is going to raise any eyebrows to that.
…
> I chuckled and pulled her into a hug and kissed her cheek, "Don't worry, you're the only mare in my life."
Because we’ve already established that Deela is just your “bestie”, right?
…
> She then smiled smugly, "No sex."
Ow… no sex between Twilight and a minor? How sad.
Then again, Lance was seventeen when he had sex with Twilight, so yeah. Minor’s galore!
…
> She shook her, "Nope, no bedtime story either."
She shook who? And why no bedtime story? Is that all the punishment he’s going to get for nearly killing three kids?
…
> I smiled, "Oh no reason. Just wanted to do a few things. Can you send me back to Ponyville? You kinda took me out of school."
You mean the school that you don’t really have to attend? The one where you beat the hell out of three kids? The one where any sane person would want you expelled? That school?
…
> I shrugged, "No, but I have to. There's a few things I need to do."
Apologizing probably isn’t one of them.
…
> Seconds later, I was standing in the class room. All the ponies in the room looked at me, a mixture of fear and respect on their faces.
I don’t think that’s how kids would react to someone suddenly transforming into an even weirder version of himself and nearly killing three colts, even if they were bullies.
 
 
 
>>Chapter 71 - Part 13
…
> I smiled awkwardly, "And that's how Equestria was made..."
Go stuff a hot iron down your throat.
…
> Miss Cherilee glared at me, "Stripes, take your seat. Now."
“And wait for the police to come, the parents have issued a complaint against you.”
…
> I nodded and walked down the roll of seats, but stopped for a second at one. A seat owned by a filly, Diamond Tiara.
Of course, he couldn’t just go to his damned seat.
…
> I smiled, "I'll pull that tongue of yours off and make you eat it."
Yeah, I know you’re allegedly protecting Fawn, but how does openly threatening another filly make you better than the bullies who said were going to beat you up?
…
> Once there, I looked over at Blitz.
He’s still there? Well, I’m glad to know he didn’t die. Imagine if the first life Lance takes it that of a small colt.
…
> His face was swollen and purple, and he had dried blood on his cheeks.
Jesus Christ, take him to the infirmary, or to the hospital, he can have serious head trauma.
…
> I smiled and looked to the front. Hey, if I'm going to be a kid, might as well enjoy it.
You’re a freaking psychopath, Lance. That’s not how kids are.
…
> Oh yeah! That was fun to write, took me all day but so worth it!
Oh, I bet it was, you crazy bastard.
…
> about Fawn. You all know I don't go to the trouble of making pictures of OC's unless they're important
Thankfully.
…
> so keep an eye on her XD
Please, please don’t let there be a romantic subplot with Lance and Fawn.
I don’t care about the foalcon, I just don’t want any more horrible subplots.
 
 
 
>>Chapter 72 - Part 1
…
None has merited so far, but there’s a first time for everything with this fic, so here’s a breakdown of the title of the chapter.
…
> Detention,
Amazing, Lance is going to have to face the consequences of his actions. This may seem like nothing, but while it is nothing, it’s at least a step in the right direction.
…
> evil teachers,
Actually evil? Or just evil from Lance’s twisted point of view?
…
> and drugs in class room….
You are four. Everyone in that classroom is four years old.
Even if you buy that whole “fast maturity thing” that just makes them a bunch of ten year olds, they don’t even qualify as teens.
…
> wow
Yes, wow. All in all, pretty shitty title, nothing unusual here. Now let’s get right into the sto—Oh, an author’s note.
…
> Here, you have to see this. Its a prank I pulled on my Grandmother.
What? You pranked your own grandmother? What kind of heartless monster are you?
…
> watch the video used in the prank
I’ll save you the problem, it’s a clip from Luna Eclipsed with very low audio that jumps very high when Luna uses the Royal Canterlot Voice. It’s the type of video that makes you rise the volume of your headphones/speakers and then destroys your eardrums with a loud noise.
So, the kind of shitty prank Kickass222urmom would do.
…
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_4zQ5EHnEsQ [Embed]
Anons… He has a YouTube account.
It’s full of horrible GoAnimate! Pseudo-cartoons and low quality recordings of his friends, I still haven’t found a video of him.
…
> I'm so cruel, aren't I? XD
No, you’re an asshole, that’s what you are.
 
 
 
>>Chapter 72 - Part 2
…
> Three hours later
You have just started the chapter. Is there a real reason why you couldn’t just start at some random point near the end of the school day? Why did you have to so the “x time later” immediately when you start the chapter?
…
> Miss Cherilee was tapping her hoof against the floor, "Is there a problem Stripes?"
Yeah, but I can’t list all of them right now. The character limit here is 2000, and I still have to go through the rest of the chapter.
…
> I thought for a second and shrugged, "Uhhh, yeah, I'm bored as buck. My flank is freaking numb from this hard ass chair, and..."
Again, you don’t have to be there
You don’t want to be there, Cheerilee doesn’t want you there, and I’m pretty sure the rest of the kids don’t want you there.
Really, why the hell is he in school?
…
> She held up a hoof, "You find this boring? And you feel the need to interrupt class, and use bad language?"
Could be worse, he may have burst into song. Apparently, he thinks he can rap.
…
> I sit back, "Pretty much teach."
Utter contempt and complete lack of respect for authority. These are truly the backbone of a good protagonist.
…
> She sighed, "We'll see how bored you are in detention."
Nearly killing three kids warrants you a strong glare, insulting the teacher gets you detention.
Does that mean one could get expelled by chewing gum in class?
…
> I smiled, "Detention? Its been awhile since I got that. I'll see you three."
Who three? Did you mean ‘at’ three? It’s already four, so…
…
> She smiled slyly, "Oh, I'm not in charge of detention. That's Mr. Bleak's job."
“Dr. Dread doles the physical punishments and Mr. Amabadgaeh kicks colts and fillies outside of school.”
…
This is what Mr. Bleak looks like
http://s1094.photobucket.com/user/kurtisawsome/media/MrBleak-1.png.html
Horrid OC complains aside, this guy looks like the kind of pony that wouldn’t be allowed near a school.
 
 
 
>>Chapter 72 - Part 3
…
> I take it this Mr. Bleak is a very feared and strict guy.
What tipped you off? The scared gasps or the heavy murmuring?
…
> [Challenge accepted.]
> <What are you doing?>
> [Your mom!]
> <.... My mom is your mom.>
> [... Oh...]
Impeccable humor as usual, Kickass222urmom.
…
> Shit... I hate school!
Then why the hell are you here?
…
> "Okay then, continue." She glared and went back to teaching.
“Getting really tired of your shit, Stripes.”
…
> [Damn, she hates us.]
I know, that bitch is crazy. It’s not as if you’ve done something wrong, right?
…
> One hour later, 2:58 PM
Twilight teleported you back to school at around one pm. The chapter started by saying three hours had passed, now you say one more hour has passed, meaning that it should be almost five pm. And yet, it’s “2:58” according to the time stamp.
Does he even bother to read what he writes?
…
> "Remember class, tomorrow is show and tell. Who want's to volunteer?"
Yes, Lance volunteers. Who or what will he show? Maybe the Prince? Or Twilight?
Or, since he can show objects as well, will he show any of the gizmos Fred has given him?
Or what about Spark? Show your son and prove you’re technically an adult and shouldn’t be here.
…
> [One word, Greg.]
Yeah, this won’t end well.
…
> I stood and stretched out my wings and limbs.
> I'm so stiff!
> [Hahaha, you're stiff!]
There was no purpose for that line besides setting up a lame boner joke.
…
> I walked up to Miss Cherilee's desk. She had her forelegs propped up on it and had her face in her hooves.
I understand the feeling, Cheerilee. But don’t worry, it’s nothing that a couple of bottles of wine won’t solve.
…
> I felt sorry for her. This job must be stressful.
Oh, yeah. It’s a good thing that she has model students such as you to ease the load on her shoulders.
 
 
 
>>Chapter 72 - Part 4
…
> She took a ragged breath and stood, "Good luck." She then left the building, quickly.
“Evil teacher is feared by all the other teachers” cliché.
In all seriousness, why would the school hire such an obviously evil person to oversee detention? That’s just lawsuits waiting to happen. Or did he volunteer? Didn’t anyone see anything wrong with that?
…
> Play this music. Just play it till the scene is over or after the entrence. Wait ten seconds and start reading.
You know, I don’t mind when a greentext links to a song or ambience music to help set the mood.
But when someone is writing something in a –relatively speaking- professional way, it just seems cheap.
…
> *Thud*
> What was that?
The one guy that may out-OC you.
…
> Something hit the door.
> Holy shit! What's going on!
Here it comes!
…
> To lazy to describe him, so picture time.
I’m sorry, what?
…
> To lazy
>to describe him
You’re too lazy to describe him? Too lazy to describe the character you’ve spend the last five paragraphs building up?
Ok, I’ve said this a lot of times, but I am one hundred percent serious when I say: Fuck you, Kickass222urmom.
This is a shitty story, and I am fully aware of that. But jeez, I thought that maybe the guy writing his self-insert would get some enjoyment out of it, with it being about him and everything.
But apparently he doesn’t care either. Why is he writing, then? Why the fuck is he dragging this story along if he has no interest in doing so?
Fuck you, Kickass222urmom.
…
> He held a large ruler in one hoof and had it slung on his shoulder, carrying it like a sword. He looked at me and smiled evil smile, "You're an odd one. We're going to have so much fun today."
Eeyup. Lawsuit waiting to happen.
