Title:           Neckbeard in Equestria 5
Author:          noodle-
Pastebin link:   http://pastebin.com/FLvQ1Qey
First Edit:      Monday 22nd of April 2013 05:09:07 PM CDT
Last Edit:       Monday 22nd of April 2013 05:09:07 PM CDT

>You awake in your rank bed, the late afternoon sun flooding the windows.
>It’s been a long time.
>The bed’s still here, like an old friend…still reeking of your scent.  
>Ol’ Reliable.
>You roll your body out of the sunken-in mattress, springs squeaking.
>You put on your week-old jeans and head to the bathroom to wash your…
>Nothing.
>You look in the mirror.
>Your face…it’s starting to become…normal looking.
>So much has happened in the past months.
>You can’t focus on that right now, you need to stay ever vigilant, for the threat of danger never takes a break.
>You quickly slip on your crusty socks and reexamine your face.
>Your beard…
>It’s starting to fade, becoming obscured within itself…the lines blurring.
>You turn on the faucet and grip your razor blade.
>As a master of blades, you make quick work of your face.
>You can catch your dirty plunger leaning on the wall in the mirror.
>The toilet is still clogged from Luna’s glorious grilled cheese sandwiches.
>They were quite delicious, with the 4 sticks of butter per sandwich and all.
>Your lips and pants still stained with the buttery goodness.
>The whiskers below your chin glisten in the bathroom lighting.
>You finally have a soul mate in this terrible pony world.
>Speaking of which, you have a date with her soon…better get ready.
>With a final flick of the razor, you lower it.
>The work is finally over.
>The razor hits the sink with a clank.
>You peer at your reflection in the mirror…
>It’s hard to make out through the water stains.
I…have returned.
>You head for the door and grab your fedora.
>Luna is supposed to meet you at a restaurant in the town’s square.
>Everyone in town can’t believe you two are together.
>To be honest, you can’t either.
>You are an exotic creature to these ponys; vastly intelligent, dashingly handsome, cunning…
>You’re artistic, creative, poetic…
>All in all, you’d consider yourself the driving force in the relationship.
>The man.
>Luna is more of a backseat character; she’s disposable at best.
>You often think about breaking up with her, but she has her benefits:
>She’s fantastic at playing Haystation 3, even though you often laugh at her for playing an inferior gaming device…
>Haystation 3 has no games.
>She makes Rarity jealous. Everytime the two of you cross paths now, and you go on and on about how Luna sends you her OC yaoi comics on your iPone.
>Often times you shove the photos right in her face to get the maximum effect…the essence of boy love in its purist form.
>You know she’s jealous by the contorted face Rarity makes, as well she should be.
>Luna is quite the artist. You guess she’d have to be with spending so much time alone on the moon.
>As you stroll down the path to the restaurant.
>Everyone in town is looking at you oddly…they have been ever since your relationship started.
>You lock eyes with a green mare,
Pony, kudasai. Out of my way.
>She scoffs. Gaijin’s can’t understand your perfect pronunciation.
>Lately you have opted out of using your sword.
>No, you haven’t gone soft…
>Luna has taught you that if you are ever in danger, simply kicking another pony in the ribs will easily disable them.
>To be honest, you can’t believe that you haven’t thought of that yourself.
>In your eyes, the attack is more personal and therefore more honorable than using a sword.
>Boy, Luna sure is smart.
>Well…for a pony.
>You arrive at the food joint.
>”McPony’s.”
>It was your idea. Good food, cheap price.
>You figure you should treat your lady to something nice for once…make her feel like the princess she is.
>You find a booth and squeeze yourself into it.
>After waiting what feels like a whole five minutes, you grow restless and decide to order something for yourself before Luna arrives.
>You rush to the counter as you see a small family of unicorns enter the restaurant and head for the counter.
>You peruse the available food. The unicorns behind you are chatting happily.
>The two small ones want filly meals for the toys.
>You scoff to yourself.
>Toys are such a child thing to own.
>Maybe when they grow up  and own action figures, they’ll see how silly they used to be.
>You slap a few bits on the counter and order a large fry with extra salt.
>”Thank you, sir. Your order is number 9, we’ll announce it when it is ready.”
Okay.
>Silence.
>Your protruding stomach is still pressed against the counter in front of the register.
>The stallion is whispering to his wife behind you.
>You peer back to them,
Sorry. The service is so slow here.
>You look back to the cashier who gives a nervous smile.
>It’s not her fault her coworkers are incompetent.
>Time passes as you continue to stand there.
>You notice the door open as someone comes in.
>Still you stand there.
>”Uhm..excuse me sir…could we possibly go ahead and order?”
>The mare asks you kindly. Her voice is a little fluttery but stern.
>You know that people should speak sternly to each other, a Luna lesson you learned.
>You put grit in your voice,
Sure. Just let me move out of the way for you and just let you go ahead of me.
>You step aside and roll your eyes.
>”O-okay…thanks…”
>The mare gives a confused look.
>They must not be familiar with the rule.
>With arms crossed, you stare at the cashier as the family orders.
>She has a lot of money in there.
>Your eyes avert to the mother mare’s flank.
>It’s pretty decent is you do say so yourself.
>Nice and round. You can’t sneak a peek at anything though…
>The stallion clears his throat loudly at you.
>The two of you lock eyes as he looks sternly at you.
>You give him a thumbs-up and a wink, letting him know he did good, but could do better if he applied himself.
>His face turns confused.
>Not everyone can be as blessed with naturally good looks as you.
>”Number 9?”
>You push your way passed the mother mare to get your fries.
>You shove your fingers into the greasy box as you make your way to your seat.
>So delicious.
>You plop down and devour the golden sticks.
>Out of the corner of your eye, you see something else yellow…much larger than any fry you’ve ever seen.
>”Hello dear Anonymous. Enjoying those?”
>The figure removes the helmet to reveal Luna, clad in a tight leather jumpsuit.
Luna…what the hell is that?
>Her face turns sad.
>”Why it’s…I made this. You drew me that comic about the bride who goes on a revenge spree with a katana. I figure I’d show up as the heroine of the story as a surprise!”
>Oh. The pseudo-Tarantino manga roughly based off of his Kill Bill movies.
Well that’s….unique.
>Luna’s eyes light up,
>”You really think so? I sewed it myself!”
>Luna holds up a hoof to show the uneven stitching on the cuffs.
Pretty good. It’s not exactly like it was in the mov-, I mean manga.
>Luna’s mouth scrunches.
>”Awfully sorry, I’ll try harder next time then…”
Okay.
>Luna sits next to you and nuzzles your greasy neck.
>She smooches your furry cheeks as your shovel fries into your mouth.
>Too much salt.
>Your wipe your fingers on your jeans.
>”So Anonymous, what shall we dine on?”
>You finish off the fries and crush the box.
I don’t know, I’m not hungry anymore.
>Luna sighs.
>”Oh, okay then. Perhaps we shall go for a walk then.”
>You hate walking.
I hate walking.
>The two of you head out into the twilight.
>Luna keeps nudging you and staring up.
>”Verily, Anonymous…I say that the stars sure are pretty this evening, wouldn’t you so agree?”
Meh.
>You continue walking as you stare at the grass being crushed by your socked and sandaled feet.
>Luna becomes irritated and uses her magic to bring your head to her eye level.
>”Look, Anonymous!”
>Your eyes dart around.
>You see a wooden stick poking out behind her back.
What is that thing?
>Luna looks back.
>”That’s just my…katana. Wouldn’t you rather look at the stars?”
Katana? But it’s a piece of wood!
>You snort some laughter.
>Luna’s cheeks turn flush.
>”I know…sorry…”
>You reassure her,
It’s okay, Luna. Actually, a wooden katana is called a bokken. Still an effective weapon…for a female.
>Luna perks up a little more.
>”Will you gaze above now?”
>Your eyes go skyward as you can make out a new star pattern.
>In Kanji characters, Luna has moved the stars to spell out: “Happy 67 Day Anniversary, Anonymous. I love you.”
Luna…
>You look at her embarrassed face.
Thanks. I love you too.
>You throw your arms around her and give her a quick hug.
Let’s go home and write some ero-guro.
>Luna smiles brightly,
>”HUZZAH!”
>She leans in and snatches a fry entangled in your beard.
>”Yes…let’s!”