Title: Welcome to Stiffy's! [RGRE] [Shenanigans] Author: brandnewwritefag Pastebin link: http://pastebin.com/n6iCT4Sn First Edit: Sunday 15th of February 2015 05:44:55 PM CDT Last Edit: Sunday 15th of February 2015 05:44:55 PM CDT Prompt: RGRE Pony Hooters. --------   >You are the manager at Stiffy's >And you could use a stiff drink >The regional hoofball playoffs were in full swing, and tonight was the final game between the Trottingham Trouncers and the Ponyville Pounders >"Hey colt I got somethin' you can pound~" >Ugh fuck >So of course before, during and after matches >fans of both teams pour into Stiffy's for hayburgers, cider and buffalo hooves >You never got the appeal - hot-sauce caked fried mushrooms... eww >The grease alone would make your coat matted and jus- >"Hey sweetie, how about you sit down with us, hmm~?" >fakesmile.photobooth "Sorry hon, company policy - can I get you something instead?" >The face-painted mare drunkenly leans over the table, licking her lips >"Yeah, how about you take off that thong and let momma have some sauce with her hooves, hmm~?" "Ma'am if you keep that up I'll have to ask you to leave." >The mares laugh, and one of them drunkenly tumbles out of the booth >"Yeah, and who's gonna stop us, sugarmane? Now how abo-" "ANON!" >You are the manager of Stiffy's >And your best hire kicks down the kitchen door, rattling the entire restaurant >He was such a good catch! You just had to pay him in liquor, fast food and ....double the normal pay >You sigh internally >"OI. WHICH ONE OF YOU LIL' FUCKS IS HARASSIN' MORNIN' WOOD?!" >The mares either "oooo", laugh, or cat-call him "Anon don't use my stage name for fuck's sak-" >"I did! Now how about you get your oiled ass over here and let momma lick you!" >Oh you out-of-towner, you're fucked >Anon looks pissed >He stomps over to the table, and they're suddenly aware of the size difference >sobering up intensifies >He stops just infront of the drunken mare, his package wobbling slightly in the standard-issue XL thong >She's switching between lust and self-preservation >"You. Drop all your bits on the table and fuck off." >*wobble* >"Fuck y-" >Anon reaches down and grips her by her mane, lifting her up   >a vicious gut-punch thuds through the restaurant, and everyone goes quiet >"Haaaa~*" >Yep. She's winded >Anon drags her out by her mane and opens the door, tossing her out into the street >Past the... line....of customers >damnit >He turns and stares down the waiting customers >"This is what happens if you harass the staff. Got it?" >Everypony nods in unison >He stomps back to the kitchen, murmuring something about chafing "T-thanks, Anon!" >He stops, looking back at you >"No problem. Get me some fucking pants and I'll hang out in the lobby." "S-sorry, bu-" >"Company uniform, I get it." >He disappears, and you put on your best smile, grabbing the mare's bit bag >"I'll just...take this as a tip. Now, can I get you girls anything?" >They shake their heads, and you turn to hide your grin >You sway your hips as you walk away >mmmf. Teasing without any trouble is the best feel >Some of the other colts start talking to their tables, and soon the party atmosphere is back >It's such a shame Anon won't come out unless there's trouble - an exotic server like himself would clean up in tips...   >You sigh >You can hear table #5 from here, and it all started once Anon made another "guest appearance" >Drunk, of course >A mare with coke-bottle glasses coughs for attention >"But no, see. Humans are monogamous - it's because some of them have nipple hair-" >A ratty-maned pegasus butts in >"-No, come on. Their stamina is measured in days, I heard, and sometimes they collapse from-" >And now back to the mare >"-It's obvious you don't know anything about the subject matter. Put down your freshman nature/nurture-" >UGH BUCK ME THAT WAS SO BORING >Also do they not wash?! Just... eww look at them I can see the hayburger stains on her chin...s.... >Oh Celestia please tell me that table is covered >You look around to your servers, who are pointedly NOT going over to Table #5 >You check the board... >Some clever colt erased his number from #5 >You don't blame him >Whelp. Time to volunteer.... "Rock Hard!" >A Red Earth pony raises his head and comes over >Buck, you forgot how big he was - you stand only up to his withers >Well, that's... why you picked him "Table #5 has been there for 2 hours and has ordered nothing but water. Get them drunk or get them out." >Rock Hard nods, then slowly walks over to the mares, who are engrossed in their pointless fucking argument >"-if it scares you, then it might not be for you! It sounds like you're trying to be condes-" >He stands, stoic and strong >You sigh internally. Now only if he'd let you braid his tail... >He clears his throat >Nothing >Taps his hoof on the table >Nothing >Shrugging, he turns around and walks back to you "H-Hey! At least try to get their attention!" >"Ah Did." he smirks >Dangit! Those mares were being problem....customers.... >You facehoof and grin, and Rock laughs >"Shall ah?" >You nod >"AHNON! PROBLEM AHN TABLE FAIVE." >"WHO'S BEEN TAKIN MAH WEE MEN?!" >and you never saw those mares again.   "Ok, everypony-" >"Racist!" >the colts giggle, and you roll your eyes >Fucking tuesday morning staff meetings "Ok, everyCREATURE-" >"Hey!" "-not changin' it! Take your seats, and let's work out our week, ok?" >EveryTHING sits down, Anon so helpfully hopping on a table >If it breaks it's comin' out of his pay "Alright, so. First, great month last month - playoff season is always rough, and the doubleshifts hard, but ya'll rode it out like champions. Anon, stop laughing. We did have one problem, though - we have had an...overabundance of problem customers." >The colts nod >"Well, that's just... how it is! Sometimes, some mares just need to be kicked out!" >Nods and murmurs across the group "Yes, I understand that, but I think we're using Anon to kick out customers we just don't want to deal with, not ones that are an issue. So, I had an idea-" >Anon groans, and you cut him a look >The look of "there are horn-tassles that would fit you" >He shuts up >That's what I thought "So. We have an Anonymous suggestion box. No Anon, that does not mean it's just for you. I want everypony to put in at least one suggestion this week on how we can handle problem customers WITHOUT kicking them out. Any other general tips are appreciated, but I want to see at least one idea per employee. Sound fair?" >Grumbles of agreement and forced acceptance >To your management ears it sounds beautiful "Ok! So let's talk about our schedule..." * * *   >Another week, another weekly meeting >You wait for everypony to get settled >Everyone's talking about their weekend, or about that cute mare they met out shopping >You sigh internally >When are you ever gonna just put yourself back out there, colt? You really should - you've got great [spoiler]calfs[/spoiler] and you've got a great tail an- >"Heeeyyyyyyy if you're going to zone out and talk to yourself, can we go home?" >-and then there's this colt. "Well, thanks for snapping me out of it, Anon! Hopefully I won't remember you when I'm looking for somepo-" >He grins wide "-ody. Somebody to cover a double." >His grin vanishes >That's what I thought >You place the suggestion box on the table in front of you, patting it gently "Anyway, it's time for our suggestion box! And first, I want to thank everyBODY for putting in suggestions. It looks stuffed!" >"T'ch, stuffed - just like Sunday night." Third Leg says >"Oooh, don't remind me - those watercress wraps were wonderful!" High Wings replies, shimmying in his chair at the memory "Oh yeah, that was a good dinner. And that waiter! Where did he get that half-vest..." >Colts night out - can't beat it! >"Rarity?" Rock Hard suggests >"Mmm, no. I don't think so, at least - has she branched out into stallionswear now?" Third Leg asks >Maybe you can go back and ask that waiter where he shops. A vest like that would look great on your barrel, an- >"Please someone, kill me now." "And there's our doubleshift volunteer!" >That's what you get for destroying TWO of my daydreams. >You smile smugly as Anon grumbles "Now. Let's get into this suggestion box, shall we?"   >You pull out the first suggestion, unwrapping it "Let's see...." >It's number >>21780651 "We all know the lamp is a real slut though." >You look up at Anon, who's looking away "Ok, so somebody was a bit drunk..." >"That bitch flickers at me-" "ANON. Inanimate objects hold no agency! We've been over this!" >"THE LAMP IS A WHORE AND YOU KNOW IT!" >"YEAH, ANYPONY CAN TURN HER ON!" High Wings adds, and everyone laughs >You included "Ok, ok ok. Come on, let's get a serious one..." >You pull out a second idea "Anon should let us paint on his chest the specials of the day" >Ah...huh. >You look up at Anon, and he shakes his head "Ok... well, that's... an idea." >The colts look at each other, before Wet Mane raises his hoof >You nod at him >"Well... I mean, he does have a lot of surface area, and it would get him out of the back more often..." Wet Mane begins >"But I *like* the back. It's got blackjack and alcohol." Anon replies >"Yeah, but we worry sometimes! All you do is get drunk and then punch a patron-" >"-who deserves it!" >"Well... yeah, but-" "Would it be just the special of the day, or also our drink specials?" >"Hey!" "What?! It's a legitimate question!" >The assembled colts nod in agreement >"I think we could do drink specials too - or we can also paint on his back-" >"What? what about when I sit down? That's sill-WHY AM I HELPING YOU?!" >"Cause you know it's a good idea! Come on, that's great!" "Alright, we'll just shelve it for now, ok?" >A few more murmurs go through your team before you put the idea on the side "Second one, second one... this says...oh." >You re-read it "Anon should walk around town to drum up business" >"I already walk arou-" "In uniform." >"Hell no."   "Why not?! You wear it go-" >"HELL. No. No, just no! I'm not going to walk around town in that!" >"But you walk around town in /that/." >Everyone Oooooos and looks at Rock Hard >shotsfired.newspaper >"And what do you mean by that, big red?" Anon quirks an eyebrow, rocking his chair from side to side >"Well... Look 'atcha! You've got blue jeans an' a pinstripe jacket with ah white undershirt! An' you always layer up so weirdly an' an...you wear socks EVERYWHERE!" "That is a bit lewd, Anon." >"Oh, I didn't know he was into THAT kinda stuff" Third Leg stage-whispers to Rock Hard >"What?! They're in my fucking shoes!" >"That's another thing I was curious about!" High Wings interjects. "Why does he get to wear custom horseshoes... eer. shoes?" >He looks at Anon, who nods >"...Like all the time?! I come in with a buffed pair ONCE and you tell me it scuffs the floors-" >Oh dear you're gonna lose control! >Rowdy colts talking about fashion - this could be bad "Everyone, please! Solutions, not complaints!" >Murmurs, then silence >Wet Mane raises his hoof, again. >Fuck. >You love the colt, he's adorable, but... "Yes, Wet Mane?" >"What if Anon just came to work nude? Like, yanno. Everyone else?" >That's.... "That's actually a good point. Why don't you come to work na-" >"Because my junk is attached to my hips." "Ok, that's ev-" >"And my hips are juuuuust at your head height." ". . ." >"So, yanno. If you don't mind me boopin' everyone that comes i-" "Ok. Moving on." >You put the slip of paper in the "nope" pile >You're almost certian you heard a soft 'aww', but... nah "Next suggestion..."   >"HEY GANG, LET'S SEE WHO'S GOING DOWN AT STIFFY'S!" >You look at Anon and just....stare "This is not going to be our new slogan." >"Aww, come on! The jokes write themselves!" "No, Anon. Take it up with corporate." >The human huffs, resting his chin on his forearms >The pile of "maybe" ideas is about... oh, 3, 4? >This one gets added to the nope pile, now about 15 deep >And there's a special pile of "fucking marshmallow horses" which is in Anon's fist - so that's another... 5? "Ok, let's see. Another one: Anon should be our new mascot! We can dress him up depending on the holid-" >"NO. Fuck you little marshmallow hor-" "Now hold on! Let's put this to a vote." >"Th' fuck?! Why on earth would you put this to a vote!" Anon sits back up, growling >"Well, you /did/ teach us about democracy, Anon." Rock Hard smirks >"You're just angry that your sister wants me." >Another round of Ooooos go across the team >Mmm, and you do love some good daytime drama, but "All in favor of..." >You squint "..dressing Anon up in, and I'll quote here, 'adorable little outfits and booties'?" >Every hoof goes up, grins all around "All opposed?" >Anon raises his hand. "I'll kill you all, you know that, right?" >You put that in the maybe idea pile >Boy, harassing Anon is a whole lot of fun >But you'll have to take him out shopping to get him to calm down >Oooh! There's your monthly group outing idea~ >You reach back into the box, and realize your hoof scrapes the bottom >Huh, maybe you're do-oh wait, one left! "Ok, everypony!" >"Hey!" "Sorry. Ok, every-marshmallow-horse!" >"Hey!" High Wing cries in perfect sync with Anon >Everyone laughs >You look at the suggestion, and ... you're actually stunned >It's a legitimate, well thought out suggestion! "Wow. Uh, out of curiousity, who put in this suggestion? Anyone recognize it?" >You raise it up, and nopony claims it   "Put up a rules and conduct plaque in the front of the bar. Put it on every menu as well. If mares get rowdy, give them a warning. Have Anon come out regularly to establish a presence and calm any would-be barfighters. Start a cider-drinking club, giving customers something they can lose if they're not nice." >Everyone's silent, taking in the wise words >From the back, a meek voice rises up >"So that's a yes to writing it on his chest?" >Damnit Wet Mane. * * * "So will that be all for you, hon?" >You bat your eyes at the farmers, who smile at you >"Yes, sweetie. But you know you could join us if you'd-" "Aww, I'd love to, trust me-" >You wink "-but rules are rules." >"Aww, if you're sure-" >"He's sure." >Suddenly Anon looms over the table, arms folded >his XL studded-steel cup wiggles threateningly at the group, and they try to laugh it off >"Alright, alright - you can't blame us for tryin, right?" "Of course not, ladies~" >You turn and sway your hips as you walk away, letting your tail show juuuust a little bit of your package >Incidents are down >More customers are here than ever before >And with the inclusion of Anon's suggestion- >"Next up on the pole - Wet Mane!" The white DJ horse proclaims, and the bar erupts in cheers >-business has never been better.