Title:           Waking up: America & Australia
Author:          brandnewwritefag
Pastebin link:   http://pastebin.com/Z5hcmy3C
First Edit:      Sunday 15th of February 2015 07:58:34 PM CDT
Last Edit:       Sunday 15th of February 2015 07:58:34 PM CDT

>The alarm goes off, playing "The Star Spangled Banner"
>You wait for it to finish because you're not a communist, then turn it off
>You FREEDOM EAGLES have already awoken before the dawn and fly about, establishing a perimeter
>You roll over in bed and nudge your pone
>"mnfnmgn."
"Come on, come on."
>You rub her side, and she inhales deeply, finally coming to the land of the living
>"Mnwha?"
"Good Morning."
>"Mn. Morning."
>"SKREEEEEEEE"
>"Gah!"
"Oh. Coffee's done. Want me to get you a cup?"
>"Dangit, Anon! Do your FREEDOM EAGLES also have to share the bed with us?!"
>You chuckle as you swing your legs off the mattress, petting your favorite eagle, JUSTICE, on her neck
>She coos
"Of course! How else will we be protected from the dirty liberals in our sleep?"
>Your pone mumbles her agreement
>It's just another day in America
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>You wake up to the clockspider's mating call
>it's hissing and clicking rousing you from sleep
"Crikey"
>That's the best way to start the day
>You snow-angel some space among the pile of fosters cans, reaching for your emergency tub of anti-swooping gel
>You rub the vegemite behind your ears and get out of the "bed", stretching
>aaaand bend over to touch your toe- oh hey, a death adder
>It has a green sticker on the top of it's head, and it hisses at you harshly
"Yeah, nah. Wat are you doin' off me donger?"
>Channeling your commonwealth heritage you grip the snake and shove it right back onto your dick
>Can't be too careful - dingo might take your babymaker in your sleep
>"A-ausnon?"
>You turn around and look at your pone companion
>She flicks her ears sleepily as she tries to wake up, calm down from the sheer amount of terror that is contained in the local fauna, and ogle your rump
>So, an average monday
"Sheila, ya gotta get brecky goin'."
>She nods and steps out of the pile of fosters
>OH SHIT SHE FORGOT
"SHEILA!"
>She turns, and in slow motion you see it
>The most dreaded creature on the planet
>The Drop Bear
>Hissing and foaming at the eyes, it drops on your pone waifu
"SHEEEIIILLLAAAAAA"
>Your pone waifu screams and flails
>You rush to the tub of vegemite and grab a handful
>Such a waste, but no time!
>You slather it all over your pone, and the Drop Bear vanishes in a puff of smoke
>You cradle her in your arms, singing about Bollywogs and Kookaburras
>Tilting your head back, you channel the powers of Fuck off we're full
>A warm, 39 degree C glow envelops your pone
>The power of the metric system is made manifest in your arms
>The Eternal Kangaroo appears
>She knowingly stares into your eyes, and you nod
>From her pouch she pulls your waifu, healed and smelling slightly of coffee
>You check for any black flags, finding none
>You pet her and thank the Eternal Kangaroo with a cold beer
>Just another average monday