Title:           Daring Douche 2: Wherein Songs are Sung [RGRE]
Author:          brandnewwritefag
Pastebin link:   http://pastebin.com/4frqRuPK
First Edit:      Monday 6th of April 2015 05:44:46 PM CDT
Last Edit:       Monday 6th of April 2015 05:44:46 PM CDT

>"N-no, Lawn. Remember, we agreed - Daring's Evil Exes. We ordered the matching vests and everything." Sweet Bean says
>"Aye, and they are smart, but the League of Extraordinary Gentlecolts just sounds so much better. Rolls off the tongue, lad."
>Peach Tea huffs something under his breath
>Lawn and SB turn as one, glaring at Peach
>"...look, maybe we just combine them?"
>He always was a troublemaker
>Your poor life choices all look at each other, then nod.
>"THE LEAGUE OF EXRAORDINARILY EVIL EXES!" they all cry at once
>The market gasps as one, and then you hear the murmurs
>"...he an actor-"
>"-all food named, is she into that kind-
>"-heard she had 5 colts at onc-"
>"-Lawn's beard gives him his power-"
>You shake your head and tune them out
"Why are you here. Why are *any* of you here?!"
>You stomp your hoof in righteous anger.
>Peach tea titters loudly, covering his mouth with his hoof
>"Why, Daring. You've toyed with our hearts and wasted our years! It's only right that we get revenge!"
>You growl, and the market gasps
>A blue hoof wraps around your neck, holding you back. "It's not worth it, relax mare, relax"
>Right. Fuck. You can't... you can't just fight colts, not here
>A grin spreads across his face. "That's why we're going to utterly ruin the only colt you DO love. Him!"
>He points at Anon, who is...
>...busy buying his apples anyway.
>"Hmwha? Oh, are you going to have another dance-off?" Anon asks, smiling down at you
>Damnit boy THIS IS SERIOUS
>"N-no! No, pay attention to your doom! We're serious!"
>Anon laughs. "Serious doom? You're just seriously adorable. I mean, look at your vests! What kind of street gang has color-coordinated bejazzled vests?!"
>angrycolthoofstomps.recording
>"No! No, we're going to fight you at inappropriate times that will embarrass you and run you out of town! And then everyone will be sad and we'll win!"
>"Hmmmm...." Anon purses his lips. "How about no? Look, I have to actually go buy some food, so-"
 
>"No! We're doing this now!" Sweet Bean huffs, stomping his adorable little hoofsie-
>Stop that, Daring. They're the enemy
>The sexy, knows-how-to-use-their-tongues, pull-my-mane enemy
>Anon rolls his shoulders. "Fine. So we're going to get into a street fight, right here, right now? One against ... five?"
>The colts all laugh in unison
>"No, I'm going to go first - and I'm going to crush you!"
>Sweet Bean steps forward and begins to fluff himself out
>Oh shit he must have extensions or enhancements or something - his tuft wasn't THAT fluffy when you were with him
>"Yeah, no. I'm not going to let you power up and show me your final form, little horse." Anon says, reaching into his basket. "I'm fucking sick of being on Namek."
>"As if you're gonna have a chance! Your chest isn't nea-"
>*THMP*
>Now, you were an adventurer
>Well. Were/are/semi-retired/chasing-dat-flank-at-the-moment adventurer
>But your reflexes are still good
>You STILL didn't really see what happened
>Anon pulled out an apple from his basket, did this... weird stance - one leg up (his goods getting tight against his pants, u-unf), his hand near his head
>And then it was a blur
>You saw a red streak, and now...
>"I-iugh... ih-" Sweet Bean reaches up, touching the somehow still-solid apple that's embedded in his eye
>Tears begin
>"NNG-AAAAHHH HAAAAAAAAAAAANNN~"
>He sits down, crying loudly
>"*hic* GAAAHHHH *cough cough*"
>Crying loudly AND ugly
>Everyone loses their collective shit
>windigoesareattacking.tapestry
>Mares and colts rush to console Sweet Bean
>It looks like Fluttershy and Twilight are face-level with Anon, scolding him
>He's trying to verbally defend himself
>You look back at Sweet Bean - and see one of your herdmates over there
>Traitor!
>Wait, no
>Applejack is ... petting her apple, consoling it
>Well then.
>You just stand there
>"Weee-Oooo Weeee-Ooooo Weeee-Oooo"
>Apparently someone already called the Ponice
>And this was going to be such a GOOD day.
 
>Be Daring
>Still?
>It's now.... about 6PM? Give or take
>The Ponice didn't have a chance to handcuff, frisk or interrogate anon - what with a princess being RIGHT THERE
>Although, that didn't stop you from offering to do it for them
>Aaaand that's why you're not allowed to argue Anon's case to the Ponice anymore
>You, Rainbow and Rarity are all sitting on a Bench outside the station, passing some street food between the three of you
>Honestly, You expected RD to go for it - but Rarity's actually a pretty cool sis
>As long as no colts are watching, of course
>"Mmmh. Dear, do we have any more haybacon slams?" Rarity swallows the mouthful of food, crumpling up the wrapper in her magic
"With how much you ate, buck no!"
>You feel the wrapper hit your head, and you laugh
>"It's not my fault I'm a stress eater! Besides, it was a good deal..."
>"What, 3 for 2? Yeah, they run that special every Wednesday, and on Fridays you get large curly fries for free."
>You and Rarity nod, listening to the sage advice of a confirmed ex-bachelorette
>Collectivesigh.recital
>"...how long do you think they're going to keep her in there?"
>"Well, Rainbow, they've got to make sure the colt isn't going to require surgery... so that'll show us how serious a crime Anon committed-"
"He was defending himself!"
>"-yes, but... ugh, I don't know."
>Rarity huffs
>"I don't think this has ever happened before - certainly, not to this degree."
>Rainbow nods. "It wasn't supposed to go down like that. A-at least, that's not what I've been... uh..."
>You feel her wings rise, and you do the right thing
"True. Coltfights are supposed to be kinky, right?"
>You egg her on
>"Why yes! With oil, and grooming afterwards and possibly pillow-fights..."
>"Rarity! D-daring! Ugh, you're not helping my wings, girls."
>You all share a chuckle
>"-eeeyy-"
>Your ears perk up, and you look to your right
>Pinkie's running towards you at a full gallop
>Oh. News from the hospital, then
 
>The three of you wave as Pinkie barrels towards you
>Don't flinch
>She's still a blur, and isn't even 40 lengths from you
>Don't blink
>30
>Sweat beads on your brow
>20
>Fuck just slow down a bit
>10
>SHE ISN'T GOING TO
>Your wings spread to take off and hit Dash's, and you see the empty bag of food lifted by magic raised as a pathetic sheild
>Pinkie stops RIGHT INFRONT OF YOU, wearing that shit-eating grin of hers
>fffffff
>"Nopony trusts in Pinkie? Awww."
>She punches everypony's shoulder once
>"That's one for flinching!"
>"Oww! Dear ar-"
>*pap*
>"And two for bitchin! Any food left, or did Rarity eat it all?"
>"Hey! I stress-eat!"
>Pinkie sticks out her tongue at Rarity, her grin turning genuine. "I know, Rarity. But Anon likes soft mares too!"
>Fashion marshmallow huffs, tossing all the wrappers at Pinkie, one at a time
"Ok, ok. News from the hospital."
>A wrapper gets stuck in Pinkie's mane as she nods
>"Yep. He's bruised pretty badly and has a permanent dent. He's also lost some fluids... so he needs to have it cut out."
>The three of you inhale sharply
>Oh fuck
>Pinkie looks between the three of you, confusion on her face
>"....what?"
"Pinkie... that's... fuck, that's hardcore. Do we need to send flowers, or -"
>Pinkie rolls her eyes. "Gosh, Daring. It's just an apple - but don't tell AJ I said that."
>FFFFF
>The three of you launch onto Pinkie, wrestling/rolling around/noogieing her little fluff-brain into submission
>Laughing, getting all that concern and uncertainty out of your system, you get back up
>Pinkie's bouncing in place, dirty and smiling
"...Well?!"
>"Oh, right! Sweet Bean is fine. He's got a nasty black eye, and needs icing - but no permanent damage with magical therapy."
>You let out a breath you didn't know you were holding
>"Awesome. Awesome! So this is all over now?!"
>Pinkie's smile turns....well
>"N-no. Hard Time was there from the jail..."
>Oh well this is new
>And foreboding
 
 
>Pinkie swallows and inhales deeply
>"So... apparently due to the 'mandatory friendship/railroading' statute, Anon and the League of Extraordinarily Evil Exes have to work out their differences in a conductive, positive manner befitting colts."
>a long silence follows
>The four of you look between each other
>"...I don't get it" Rarity bashfully admits
"Whoo, fuck, I thought I'd have to be the first to admit that."
>You and Dash laugh, and Rarity fumes. "It's not weak to admit you're confused!"
"Yeah ok, if that makes you feel bett-"
>A wrapper bounces off your forehead, and Pinkie giggles
>"Well. Whatever it means, we're supposed to meet up at the rusty saddle iiiiinnnnn...."
>Pinkie looks up, directly into the setting sun
>She squints
>"Hmm.... 20 minutes ago?"
"What?!"
>You launch into the air, cursing as you go. "Pinkie, come on!"
>She apologizes, but you don't hear her - you're gaining altitude, trying to spot the bar from the sky
>Come on... where is it?
>There are like 4 bars in this town You've blacked out at all of them HOW HARD IS IT TO-oh
>You see a low, wide building with a line of mares outside of it
>Using your keen adventuring skills, you deduce
>it's a building
>Damnit you need to get back into the field
>Gliding down, you see that - yes, it is a bar... and something's going on
>Whelp, better stop here first
>You land with your patented Daring Pose(tm)
>This time (due to popular demand) with chestfluff action
>The assembled mares gasp in admiration and envy
>"Daring?! Daring - Over here!"
>Twilight's waving at you from the front of the line
>Wellllllll ok then
>You trot over, giving her a light nuzzle
"Hey, sup?"
>"I see Pinkie final-"
"No, what's going on first. Then gossip."
>She smiles bashfully
>"S-sorry. You're curious as to what the court decided?"
"Yeah. I'm....not quite sure what's going on here. Does it involve a mud pit?"
>Twilight laughs, her wings fluttering a bit. "No, sadly. It's [spoiler]a sing-off[/spoiler]."
 
>You blink
>"I-I'm sorry... what?"
>"It's apparently an ancie-"
>Twilight is cut off by a buttery-smooth baritone voice
>"A bullshit law they pulled out of their asses because they didn't want to see me hulk out."
"Anon!"
>Anon walks out of the bar, Fluttershy acting as an impromtu backpack
>"A-anon, dear, i-it's not that ba-"
>"Flutterpack, hush, or I'll stuff you with water bottles."
>"Y-you can stuff me with yo-"
>He reaches behind himself with his hand and boops Fluttershy on the nose, not breaking eye contact with you
>She scrunches, and he continues. "So, yeah. Apparently whomever sings the best or whatever wins all the tiny horse points and... seriously, what's the point of this again? They attacked me."
>Twilight sighs. "No, they -challenged- you, YOU attacked THEM!"
>She rounds on him, her wings spread slightly
>"You could've just walked away, or let your mares handle it! But you had to be an independent colt an-"
>"-And defend myself, yeah, yeah."
>"-An' hurt one of mah apples!"
>You all turn to AJ, who has materialized out of the Bar. She gives Anon a poutyface, and he smiles sheepishly. "AJ, it's just an-"
>"Don' you finish that sentence unless you wanna be barefoot in mah kitchen' startin' tonight."
>She says it with a smile, but those eyes
>those eyes
>A shudder runs through your body
>Twilight continues. "Anyway...We can't stop what's going on now - it's just something that we'll have to work through."
>Anon sighs
>"But don't worry Anon!" Twilight chirps happily. "We're on your side, and we're gonna work hard to make sure you win!"
>"Ok, ok." Anon smiles, and you find yourself joining him. "So what're the rules?"
>"Ah, th' rules are easy, sugarcube, don't worry. C'mon in an' I'll go over 'em with th' rest of the girls."
>You all smile encouragingly at Anon
>". . . I feel like this is going to backfire horribly."
>Naaaahhhh
>He's gonna be fiiiiiine
 
>Pinkie, Rarity and RD make their way to the bar, and you find yourself, your herd and your stallion packed into an impromptu 'green room'
>Apparently they have to separate the two sides to stop slapfights and sabotage
>typical colts
>Twilight goes into a long, detailed explanation of the history of the singoff, how it ties into spontaneous musical numbers, blah blah blah
>But for those of you playing at home, here are the rules:
>One: Opposing sides take turns singing a song of their choice. No shenanigans while the other team is singing.
>Two: Whichever side gets the biggest reaction out of the crowd wins a point.
>Three: Once each colt has sung a song, whichever side has the most points wins
>Then she said something about prench maid outfits and losers are servants and something about a quick-set plaster mold but you weren't paying attention
>Three sharp knocks on the door
>"Mr. Anonymous~ You're on for the bit flip in 5 minutes."
>"Thanks Mrs. Cake!" Pinkie shouts, and you hear a giggle on the other side
>"We'll be rooting for you dearie!"
>Wait, we?
>You don't have long to wait - as your group heads out to the karaoke stage, it seems that half of ponyville has emptied out to see this
>I guess in a one-market town besieged with freak disasters, hearing about something unique and non-life-threatening would bring 'em all out
>...now you have a sad
>You sigh
>"Something wrong?"
>You look up at Anon, who reaches down to rub your ear
>You lean into him
"No, just...I want you to win."
>"Oh, I will."
>You look up at him, eyebrow quirked
"You sound confident"
>He's grinning
>Wait
>Colts grinning like tha-
"Anon, Shenanigans are against the rul-"
>"Would Anonymous please come up to the stage? The bit toss is going to begin."
>"Sorry Daring, gotta go!"
"Wait, no! Anon!"
>You stop your hoof in exasperation as he jogs away from you
>Mmmm, love how his flank is eye-level
>But NO, FOCUS
>He's going to DO SOMETHING
>He hops on-stage, staring down Lawn Ponnery.
 
>Lawn strokes his coltly beard, looking Anon up and down, a smirk on his face
>Anon does the same, stroking his nonexistant beard, wiggling his eyebr-
>Luna damnit Anon, be SERIOUS
>He says something to Lawn, and his smirk vanishes
>Lawn looks like he's going to say something, but the referee walks between them
>The tan colt, clears his throat, and everyone quiets down.
>"We're goin' to flip the bit. Per custom - so I've heard - local team calls the flip in sports, so..."
>He turns to Anon, the bit in his hoof. He nods, and flicks it up
>"Heads"
>The colt catches it, then slams it onto the floor
>He moves away, and in an instant Lawn laughs - and the crowd erupts in cheers and jeers
>Whelp. This is off to a roaring start
>As the ref waves his adorable little hoofsies to get everypony's attention, Anon is saying something to Lawn
>Lawn looks around, then down at his hooves - then back at Anon
>Anon just grins and walks away
>Huh
"Hey Anon, what w-"
>"SO GIRLS." He claps his hands loudly. "What kind of stuff should I expect from these epic rap battles?"
>"What's Rap?" Pinkie asks innocently, and you can see the light go out of Anon's eyes
>"Just...I have so much work to do, and so little time. Anyway. Expectations?"
"Uh-"
>You look at Twilight
>Everyone looks at Twilight
>She sighs
>"Alright, alright. Ugh. You complain I nerd too hard, and now you need me to explain things."
>"Aww, but when you nerd out you're adorkable"
>"I don't want to be adorkable, Anon!" Twilight huffs, puffing out her cheeks
>You all collectively Awww, and Twilight mumbles oaths under her breath
>"...right. Well, The first song is going to set the tone of the whole battle. Depending on what it is, and if he gets the crowd's momentum on his side, he could destroy your chances right from the start."
>Oh.
>"Oh." Anon says, realization dawning on him
>"Yes, OH! Losing that coin toss was a VERY bad start!"
>The crowd has quieted down, and you turn your attention to the colt on stage
 
>You inhale deeply, and the sugary scent of dough washes over you
>Donut Joe
>Sweet colt - pun intended. You funded his bakery, and he got uppity
>Demanding more money, more time, wanted cross-branding
>Who on Equus would buy a 'Daring Frosted Ponut Hole' anyway!?
>So you dropped him without looking back
>He taps the microphone, and a memory stirs
>If you remember right...
>"Test...test? We're good? Hello, Ponyville!"
>Because he went to every musical religiously
>"I hope you don't mind if I start off with a classic."
>He had a great singing voice
>Suddenly you feel a lot more nervous
>Donut Joe clears his throat, and you hear the piano begin
>"BUCK. It's an Ancient Canter Hymn!" Rarity cries out, stomping her hoof against the floor. "This isn't going to be fair!"
[spoiler]https://youtu.be/XwLLH9EZiqc?t=8s[/spoiler]
>Fuck, you feel yourself begin to sway
>Looking around, the whole bar is swaying too
>Even your herd is trying to fight it
>FUCK FUCK FUCK
>Colts hold their mares close
>You see nuzzling, some singing under their breath
>They weren't playing fair at all
>You look at Anon, who is standing perfectly still
>Oh
>This might be the first time he's heard this song
>He's... probably enraptured
>Damnit. They knew - they're demoralizing him and getting the entire town on their side DAMNIT
>"And remember..."
>Donut Joe looks directly at your group
>No
>Directly at you
>"...I love you." He finishes huskily, winking
>The crowd erupts into cheers
>A few mares toss one of their horseshoes on the stage
>You stomp your hoof in frustration as Anon's shoulders begin to twitch
>It's ok, colt. You can cry, we can't...
>"*snrk*"
>Wait
>You walk around, looking at his fac-
[spoiler]>IS HE HOLDING IN LAUGHTER?![/spoiler]
 
>The crowd's cheers slow down, and Anon lets out a laugh
>A hearty, wonderful laugh that rings like a clear bell on a winter's morning, waking you in the cool sunl-
>Woah, brain. What's all this?
>You in love, Daring. Remember?
>Oh right. Hey, can we remember this to tell him personally? Colts love this shit.
>How much liquor you going to have?
>Fuck you too, brain.
>Anon turns on his heel and kneels infront of your herd
>You all crowd in
>"Ok. I need..."
>He ponders for a moment
>"I need wubhorse. Pinkie, can yo-"
>"On it!" Pinkie salutes, and is off like a flash
>"And Twilight, I need you to do one thing for me."
>"S-sure, Anon. But you know we mares can't actually interflhlf-"
>Anon grabs her cheeks and smushes them together
>"No. Twilight, I need you to do ONE THING. ONE. Can you do this for me?"
>She nods
>"I need you to look at Wubhorse like you would at spike. Can you do that for me? Say nothing, just look."
>She nods, curiously grunting
>"No, shhhh, my pretties-"
>HE THINKS YOU'RE PRETTY
>"-My plan is coming to fruition."
>Wait, plan? NO.
"Anon, No! You're not allowed to plan! Remember the rules - no shenanigans!"
>Anon opens his mouth to respond, but Pinkie's voice interrupts him
>"He's over here!"
>"Oh wow, killer! Woah!"
>A white pony you've never seen trots up to your group like what's up I've got a big clit
>incomingslut.alarm
>"Woooah. You're Anon? I've heard of you - and seen you before - not like that, but-"
>The spaghetti is strong with this one
>You're gonna nip this bitch in the bud when Anon's hand rests on your shoulder
>"Wubhorse."
>"A-actually, it's Vinyl Scr-"
>"The princess knows."
>"W-what?!" The white pony looks at Twilight, who looks at her with the gaze of the infinitely patient and the infinitely disappointed
>"Ha...ha ha, Anon. This is the first time... we've met..."
>Twilight stares at the white pony like the sum of her hopes has amounted to ash, and all she wished for this little one has been slapped out of her hooves
 
>White pony begins to shake
>"But-but...no"
>Twilight tilts her head, and you see her barrel rise and fall in a silent sigh. The type of sigh that is so frequent it doesn't need to be expressed, that is so common it's almost like breathing
>The pony begins to cry
>"I DIDN'T KNOW HE WAS UNDERAGE! HE TOURED WITH ME FOR 4 MONTHS AND HAD HIS FRIEND MAGIC HIS CUTIEMARK ON HI-"
>"Wait WHAT?!" Twilight snaps out of her look, and time stops
>"Oh... uh...."
>"You did WHAT with a mino-mmmnh!" Anon's hand wraps around Twilights' muzzle, silencing her
>"Now now, let's not be hasty-"
>She begins to silently fight against his grip
>"I have a proposition for you, Wubhoers. And if you do this, we'll forget we ever heard anything."
>If you remember right, he's named his hands... that one isn't 'the stranger'
>"Isn't that right, Twilight?"
>It seems strong, seeing as how Twilight's now on her rump, thrashing her head back and forth
>"That means yes. Go get your things, we go live in 5."
>"Yeahoksurethankscoltyou'reachamp" and off she goes
>Anon releases Twilight's muzzle, who gasps for air
>"Anon! Tha-We need to get the ponice on her, NOW"
>"Ok, we could do that, ooooor...."
>He boops Twilight's nose, and she scrunches
>"Or we could win."
>A silence drops on all of you
>The lengths some colts will go to...
>"I'm for winning" RD says
>"Me too" AJ chimes in
>everypony quickly nods their agreement, with Twilight being the reluctant last
>"Anon? Anonymous - it's your turn on the mic." The Referee colt says, motioning towards your group
>Wubhorse dashes behind the stage, setting things up
>"Whelp. Looks like this is my cue. Wish me luck!"
>Anon hops back onstage, smiling broadly
>Your stomach sinks
>"Hello, Cleveland!"
>"Hi, Anon!" A colt yells from the back of the bar
>"And hello to everyone else!"
>He grins toothily
>"You know... when I got here, I felt all alone. But then I realized something important. And I want to share that realization with you all."
>The music begins
 
[spoiler]>https://youtu.be/xat1GVnl8-k[/spoiler]
>Well, you have to admit, it's got a nice beat
>I can understand why he needed the techno be-
>Oh, what's this?
>Oh... oh my
>Your wings go straight up
>You saucy colt
>You don't know what daylight savings time is
>But you want to find out
>Anon begins to sing the chorus and thrust his hips in tune with the music
>You feel warmth on your inner thighs
>UGH FUCK WHY IS HE DOING THIS
>He's looking at your herd the ENTIRE TIME
>YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING YOU BUCKING TEASE
>You hear the dull roar of the crowd, and a purple shield goes up around the stage just in time to stop a wave of mares plowing into your colt
>That's YOUR job
>U-unf you're gonna discover his channel
>his dick channel
>Brain come on that was like, 4/10 what's going on
>Ovaries takin' direct control, cap'n
>Oh you
>RUSH THE STAGE YOU STUPID CUNT
>You slap wetly against the bubble, and through it Anon licks his canines
>YOU SAUCY DICK GET INSIDE ME N-
"Whoof-"
>Pinkie slammed into you
>"NOT BEFORE ME YOU HOT STUD"
>You give her your best "it is on" and "I'm too horny to argue" look with a dash of "get out of my mind", and grind on the bubble
>break you stupid magical fuck
>BREAK
>Anon finishes, and the crowd roars in pleasure and frustration
>he says something about someone named "slain est cultists" before running backstage
>Fuck that mare you're MINE
>The bubble ripples, and you look down
>AJ's kicking it
>hard
>"TWI AH SWEAR IF YOU DON'T LET ME AT 'EM-"
>"We are GENTLEMARES and we will NOT take advantag-"
>"AH SWEAR ON APPLES, TWI-"
>"N-NO, Darling! Girls, please!"
>Uuuuuggghhhhhh
>Twilight is going all coltist-justice warrior on you
>You feel so twat thwarted
* * *
>"...and that is why we are NOT going to let you sing unless we have prior knowledge of your songs!" Mayor mare finishes, her voice echoing slightly against the barricaded green room walls
>Anon sighs. "It only took 4 hours to calm everyone down, what's the big deal?"
 
>Mayor mare huffs, stomping her hoof. "No, just... I'm not going to explain the logistics of evacuating 500 ponies to a colt-"
>"Hey!"
>"-who relishes in creating the crisis in the first place!"
>"Point taken. So does this mean I win by default?"
>The mayor rounds on Anon, scrunching hard
>Oooh she mad
>"...no. No."
>She composes herself, mumbling something about not being able to hit colts like back in the day
>"No. At best, this is 1 to 1-"
>"Horseshit!"
>"Hey! Language!"
>"Youshit, then! I created a mob-"
>"A-anon, don't remind the mayor of-" Rarity begins, but he continues
>"-of creaming mares. I created PROPERTY DAMAGE, Mayor. My songs got EVERYONE LAID. Hell, didn't you see Big Mac?! He was bodysurfing on the crowd, giving me the thum-eer. hooves up! Everyone got laid!"
>Applejack coughs.
>"...what?"
>"Ah, well..." AJ begins, blushing hard. "I ken only speak fer my brother, bu-"
>"BUT." Mayor Mare interrupts, a predatory/exasperated grin on her face. "But you still created a Mob, caused property damage to a local business-"
>"It sounds less impressive when YOU say i-"
>"AND Big Mac was not giving you the 'hooves up'. He was being kidnapped by a raping-herd. The ponice found him 3 hours later hanging from a pear tree with a satisfied smile on his face."
>"-Ah PEAR TREE, Anon!" AJ cries, bursting into tears
>Oh, well then... wait why is the problem that it's a Pear tree?!
>You give your best "what?" look to Rarity, who just shrugs, shaking her head
>"So. You are going to go out there and do ONE MORE SONG, and Celestia help you if you cause more damage..."
>Mayor Mare raises a trembling hoof, but lowers it after receiving questioning glares from your herd
>That's right
>Hitting him is OUR job
>Wait. Damnit brain.
>The door opens, and the dull roar of the crowd is heard once more
>"One more song? I can do one more song."
>You look up at Anon, smiling softly. "Really?"
>He grins, looking down at you. [spoiler]"Fuck no, I'm out of ideas."[/spoiler]
 
>Ha ha ha... oh Anon, that kidder
>He's not kidding, Daring - look at his fa-
>Shutup brain it's ok ha ha ha
>You plaster the fakest, largest smile you've worn since that zebra tribe realized you weren't Um'bek'ue, the Temple Fertility Goddess
>Good times.
>That still ranked as your 3rd best Tuesday
>Anyway. Your group makes its way onto the stage once more, and a bubble goes up as mares try to toss themselves onto the stage
>Your grin turns genuine as you snuggle up to Anon's leg
>Aww yeah
>You get ALL the legs
>...I'm talking about his third le-
>"Ok! Ponies, calm down please!"
>The announcer colt - whose little uniform seems a bit... damaged, limps back out onto the stage.
>"Hey Caramel~"
>"I want some caramel covered nuts-"
>"OK! OK!" He shivers a bit, blushing hard. "OK. So... Anon had his... turn." He says, a mixture of venom, admiration and exhaustion tinting his words. "So now it's the Extraordinary"
>"Metronome me, boy!"
>Caramel's ears flat against his head "... eh. It's those colts turn."
>He unceremoniously limps off-stage, a hoofprint very visible on his flank
>Poor colt
>Lucky mare
>A restless silence falls over the crowd
>....and there's nopony there!
>THEY LEFT! ANON'S GONNA WIN BY DEFAULT!
>You start doing a little happy-dance
>Well. Happy wiggle. You have an image to maintain
>If this continues and there's no mo-
>*clop* *clop* *clop*
>Damnit. Hoofsteps
>The next contender colt walks out of the back...and it is Lawn
>And he is covered in what looks like Blue foundation
>And....wow he seems really determined.
>"Anon."
>"The good Bond."
>"I've been thinking about what you said, before all this began. And you're right."
>He narrows his eyes at your colt an-
>Wait, no
>He's narrowing his eyes at YOU
>"And we won't stand for it anymore."
 
>A breeze picks up from one of the many many many holes bucked through the walls, causing Lawn's mane to blow back gently
>Somehow, through the magic of Equus, a song begins to play
>[spoiler]https://youtu.be/4jLIYEsC-84?t=2m26s[/spoiler]
>"For too long we have been at the mercy of others who claim to love us!"
>You see movement out of the corner of your eye
>"For too long, we've let our mares determine what we wear, where we go, who we see!"
>The rest of your exes come out onstage, dressed in what you're assuming is battle-makeup
>"But no longer!"
>A few colts make their way to the front of the bubble, watching enraptured
>"There may be a day when the strength of colts fail us! When we can't open the picke jar, and we need help getting things from the top of the cupboard!"
>Lawn looks at the colts below, and shakes his head. "But it will not be this day."
>He starts pacing the stage
>"There may be a day when the last handbag is sold, and Marecy's no longer has Hearthswarming sales!"
>More colts join those at front
>Uh....
>"But it will not be this day! I ask you, Colts of Equestria!"
>He points at a gangly earth pony, who takes off his paper cooking-hat
>"Will you stand up for freedom?! For justice?!"
"Anon what did you DO?!"
>You stagewhisper up to the human who's....
>is he fighting back tears?!
>"...Rohirim..."
"ANON"
>"Oh? Oh, sorry. I uh... just, yanno. Told him some things-"
>In one flap you're face-to-face with your colt as your ex drones on
"WHAT THINGS"
>"Yanno... how the beauty-industrial complex is a tool of mares to keep you down, how all the products he's spent to look good have been sold to him to keep a woman, and how this cycle of consumption can only be broken with freedom of thought and violent revolution."
>You blink
>"-AND SO THEY MAY TAKE OUR LIVES, BUT THEY'LL NEVER TAKE OUR MAKEUP!"
>Every colt in the bar cheers
>You look down
>Ugh how do they look so good on short noti-
>FUCK THEY'RE RUSHING THE STAGE AGAIN
 
>You body-tackle Anon, pushing him back through the backstage
>Your herd follows suit, pushing or plowing through painted colts and frisky mares
>You weren't even at a salt lick party and this shit was cray-cray
>You hear a muffled "form ranks and charge!" followed by some very loud bangs
>Whelp. Time to flee town
>Ponyville was getting a bit old for you anyway
>You push your stallion down one hallway, then around the corner to another - the red EXIT sign showing you the way to freedom!
>RD flies forward and slams into the crashbar, flinging the door wide open
>"FUCK"
>She skids to a halt on the gravel as blue-and-red lights light up the night
"IT'S THE PONICE"
>"Maaan fuck the ponice" Yellowquiet adds, just audible enough to hear over your herd piling out behind you
>An officer taps a megaphone, then puts it to his lips.
>"ANONYMOUS THE HUMAN-"
>"WHY YOU WHITE PONIES GOTTA KEEP THE GREEN MAN DOWN"
>The officer sighs, and turns to one of the guards
>Wait, guards?
>Suddenly blankets descend from the rooftop
>"THE TREES! CHARLIE IN THE TREES" Anon cries
>And then all is annoyingly soft darkness
* * *
>The mellow sound of a harmonica cuts through the silence of the cell block
"Pinkie... just stop."
>"Aww, but how else will I silently protest the injustices of the system?"
>"Have you thought about prison rape?"
"Woah, Flutters!"
>Fluttershy laughs, then rolls onto her back. "Gotta 'stablish dom'nans, Darin."
>Well SOMEPONY was busy drinking
>"Honestly, I don't understand your laws at all."
>You look out from your cell, across the hallway to Anons' cell
>"Like. Why am I here? What did I do? Why they always gotta arrest the human?!"
>"Well, to be fair, dear, you did kind of...start a riot." Rarity begins
>"I told them they should unionize! Passionately!"
>"Didn't you say something about 'The red sun rises' while we were running?"
>"...."
>Anon turns with his back to the cell
>heh
>It would be cute if it wasn't FREEZING in here
 
>You wrap the tissue-thin blanket around you, and are certain it's actually making you colder
>Fucking jail
>Fucking ponice
>Fucking Anon
>Mmmmm
>Wait it's warm now huh that's nice
>"Anon, ah don't know why ya'll are complainin'. Yer cell's much nicer n' ours." AJ says from the cell next to yours, trying to make things better
>oh filly
>NEVER try to "make things better" when a stallion is in this mood
>You try to wave your hoof at her to get her attention, but nope
>"Ah mean, you've at least got ah nice uh... well, errythin', an-"
>"A nice everything? Really!?"
>Anon gets up and turns around, waving his hand at his cell
>Your brain begins glazeover.exe
>"I've got a vibrating, heart-shaped bed, a wall of photos of... colts with little tick marks next to them, fuzzy handcuffs hanging from the ceiling and EVERYTHING SMELLS LIKE OILY CHERRY."
>Mmmmm cherry Anon
>There's a heavy thunk of a bolt being drawn as the main cell block door opens...
>"I think that's our cue, Hard Time!"
>"Ooooh, I've got SHIVERS, Fudgy~!"
>"Fucking Ponice." Fluttershy states with the certainty of saying 'the sky is blue' or 'the ass was fat'
>"Mmm, no, but he might!" the Warden says, licking his lips
>"Ha ha ha no. I can knock you little bitches out again-" Anon begins, but is cut off
>"Oh, we know! But you caught us off-guard that time - we're ready. Also, you don't have a bottle with you... well, you do, but it's not filled with wine."
>Fudge Packer points to a little red heart-shaped bot-
>Oh hey that looks a lot like Cadances' candy-cream love lube
>N-not that you'd know about that! You're a good Pegasus!
>"But you can't stay up forever, and we can take shifts....besides, not like your mares will stop us."
>Understandably, a chorus of voices and slurs are launched at the guards, who are
>...just smiling
>"Mmm, I love it when they're feisty-" Hard time begins
>"-at first, but then they keep coming back for more~" Fudge Packer finishes, slowly clopping towards your stallion