Title:           Daring Douche 19: Celestia Cares
Author:          brandnewwritefag
Pastebin link:   http://pastebin.com/z3zJ9c2t
First Edit:      Sunday 21st of December 2014 11:29:53 AM CDT
Last Edit:       Sunday 21st of December 2014 11:29:53 AM CDT

>The City... of Townsv-eer, Canterlot
>Glorious jewel of pone civilization
>But you weren't here for the sights - not this time, at least
>Your herd scrambles off the train as it pulls in, not even waiting for it to come to a full stop
>you tuck and roll like a true bawss
>The other mares.... well. Anon has some bruises to kiss away
>Checking the time you note that it's roughly 10AM. Seeing as how you left him around midnight... and assuming there was some time between leaving and his struggle, he's only been foalnapped for 6-8 hours
>Honestly, that's not too bad a response time!
>You mentally pat yourself on the back as Twilight stands next to you
>"Alright, so straight to the castle, girls!"
>You nod and start running
>"-ing! Daring!"
>You turn to look an-OH FUCK IT'S PEACH TEA.
>The stupid colt starts running next to you
>"Daring, darling, it's been too long! I'm sorry-"
>You don't even let him finish
>You push him right into a fruit cart (because they're everywhere? don't look at me, they just appear during chase scenes)
>Keep running as he starts to cry
>sympathyfuckincoming.png
>You look over your shoulder - some mares are shaking their hooves at you, a couple others are tending to the colt
>Eh. He'll get over it
>And he'll be over them too, if they play their cards right
>heh heh
>RIGHT FOCUS DARING. Anon. Luna. Foalnapping.
>Right, right. Gotcha.
>"Uh... who are you talking to?"
"Did I say that out loud?"
>Pinkie is looking at you quizzically
>"And who was that colt that you just ah.... discouraged?"
"I dunno Rarity, why don't we talk about it over your romantic novels?"
>She looks at you, and you silently return it
>She nods. "Right. Let's hurry!"
>You both speed up
 
"Guh, haah, Ugh." *gulp* "Haah."
>Be Daring
>Be out of shape, apparently
>Being a pegasus, any distance longer than a couple hundred meters you just flew
>But nooooo, you had to run with the herd
>The country girls make it to the main door - up a couple hundred steps, of course
>Everypony's panting, but you - you're dying.
>Thanks, heart
>NO PROBLEM DARING JUST BEATING MYSELF TO DEATH
>"Yeehaw! That was a good run!"
>Shutup absurdly healthy apple pone
>You look up - and see that same damn door guard
>At least you think so - they all look alike
>Is that racist?
>You peer at him, pondering if your parents raised you properly
>"....Ma'am I'm still gay."
>Fuck this dude.
>You just give him a look that you hope will kill him
"Just open the doors."
>"I only take orders from princ-"
>"Just open the doors." Twilight echos
>"Yes Ma'am!"
>He magics open the doors and you all trot into the main hall
>Where - HUZZAH - there are MORE STAIRS
>fuck this
>You take off, hovering
>As you look around, you notice Pincess Celestia descending the central staircase
>Whoops
>You land and bow with the rest of your herd as she finally stands infront of you
>"Rise, my little ponies. I got the letter you sent earlier, Twilight."
>"Yes, Princess! We're just worried about him, and-"
>Celestia silences Twilight with a warm smile. "It's admirable that you care about him so much, Twilight. I would expect no less from my favourite student and her friends"
>"I-I'm your only student"
>Celestia titters softly. "It was a joke, Twilight. A poor one; perhaps I need to spend more time with Pinkie?" She smiles as the pink pone starts to bounce. "But you're not here for me - Anon is most likely fine. So do not worry."
"Most...likely?"
>Celestia turns to you. "Yes. I have not received the final briefing from the night guard, but most likely he was moved to a cell-"
>you gasp
>"Not like that, little ones. At worst, he is in the drunk tank, and at best he's in an ambassador suite under house arrest."
 
>You collectively breathe a sigh of relief
"Thank you, your Majesty. That's a load off my mind."
>Celestia just keeps smiling. "Now, shall we go find your stallion?"
>She winks at Twilight, who blushes hard
>Haha oh wow this is golden
>"Come, my ponies. We shall stop by the guardhouse and find out where he was placed."
* * *
>"Now. Tell me this again."
>The poor colt is shaking so hard his whole armor is clinking
>"W-w-w-w-w-w-w-w"
>Celestia sighs. "You won't be banished or lose your job or standing. Just speak, colt."
>"W-we, we." *cough* "We have not received any prisoner or citizen transfer from the night guard that m-matches that description, MA'AM!"
>A little loud at the end there, but understandable
>Twilight's looking at him like she wants to turn him into cinders with a thought
>she's the element of magic so maybe she can?
>But it's Celestia who's the worst
>Celestia is looking at him like a disappointed mother
>That's gotta hurt.
>"And have you chec-"
>"TRIPLE-CHECKED, MA'AM!" The guard salutes while still shaking - it's actually pretty impressive that he's keeping his balance
>Twilight's horn fires up and she starts sorting through the documents. "What am I loo-"
>"A double-blue stamped sheet of paper, labeled NPTF-07." Celestia rattles off
>Dang. Right, she's singlehoofedly run the whole empire - I guess paperwork is like, 90% of her day
>You look at her with such sympathy now
>She glances at you and raises an eyebrow
>You can't help that you're getting misty-eyed
>'it's ok' you mouth at her. 'we'll get you drunk later'
>Celestia seems to be thinking about...something, but turns her attention back to her frustrated pupil. "No luck, Twilight?"
>"No! It's not here! And it's not that there's something fishy - it's just NOT BEEN ENTERED."
>Twilight leans far over the desk, and the stallion freezes. "WHERE IS HE?!"
>"Twilight! That is uncalled for!"
>Celestia gently rests a hoof on her shoulder.
 
>"We will find him - let's just be methodical. Breathe."
>Twilight does her breathing exercise for a few moments, and then calms down.
>"What if we split up?"
>Everyone suddenly turns to Fluttershy, who shrinks under the collective weight of your gaze
>"I-i-I just mean that we c-could cover more g-ground...if you want...."
>Celestia smiles. "That's a wonderful idea. Twilight and I will talk to the guards."
>The colt audibly gulps
>"You, Daring and Dash fly around, see if you can spot him through a window or something" Twilight begins. "AJ, Pinkie and Rarity form the second team, go down into the dungeons and just do a sweep."
>Rarity squeals a bit. "Eee! I get to rescue him from a cell? Oh, the poor dear will be so... famished."
>She licks her lips
>I don't think she really realizes we're here with her
>Celestia coughs
>"Yes, well. Let's split up and come back in a few minutes - say 30?"
"Sounds like a plan!"
>Everypony else agrees, and you split off
>You don't know what the other group is going to do, but you turn to the other two pegasai
"Dash, you're on me. Fluttershy, can you cover the residential towers? Dash and I will hit the military side, and then we'll meet with you to finish up."
>Both girls nod. "No problem, Daring! I-I can do it!"
"That's the spirit, girl!"
>You hoofbump her, and Dash pulls her into a hug. "Let's go get our colt!"
"Yeah!"
* * *
"This.... is not as easy as I thought."
>"Mm. Tell me about it."
>It's been about 25 minutes and nopony's found ANYTHING.
>You've checked every cell window
>Every balcony
>Everything in the military and the civilian towers
"It's like he just disappeared."
>"Don't say things like that!" Dash snaps at you
"Hey, easy girl, easy. Besides, for all we know, he could be with the other girls right now."
>Fluttershy nods. "Exactly. Infighting won't help us - let's go talk to Celestia again."
>Why do you get the feeling you've overlooked something really REALLY obvious
>Bah. Prolly ain't no thang.
 
>You and the girls reconvene in the main hall
>Everyone's turned up blanks
>No guards have seen Anon
>The night guards are all passed out - or hiding, you can't tell which
>Your own search has prooved fruitless, as has the dungeon-crawler contingent
>I mean, granted, they did pick up some sweet loot, but no colt
>That feel when no coltfriend to rescue
>You tune back into the conversation at hoof
>"...possible he was taken to another place? Could he be held in cloudsdale, or down in the mines?"
>"I don't think so, Rainbow Dash. We've sealed the mines after the changeling invasion, and there would be a paper trail if he was taken to another Equestrian city."
>"Diamond Dogs, then?" Rarity asks, but Twilight shakes her head.
>"I think not - the guards were flying - so was Anon. Dogs couldn't reach him..."
>"It's a conspiracy by the Equestrian Dental Association to turn Anon into a cavity-creating machine to destroy our candy reserves!"
>"No, pinkie."
>"Well we don't KNOW th-"
>Applejack just silences her with a hoof. "Hush. Ah think we're just missin' somethin' obvious here."
"And what would that be, Apple?"
>Applejack smirks. "Now, ah ain't the smartest pony around, but ah ahm pretty clever. We've got two princesses here - where's th' third?"
>It takes a few seconds for a collective groan and facehoof to roll through the herd.
"And we never did check the royal quarters...."
>"Well then, let's GO!" Dash says, quickly taking to the air
>"Not so fast, my little ponies."
>Everypony turns to look at Celestia.
>"We should be mindful of my sister's privacy. Let's go up to her tower together and speak with her. And please-"
>She looks at Dash, who grounds herself. "-no outbursts. She's still trying to acclimate to modern society, and it would be a shame if her friends accused her of a crime she didn't commit."
>Smiling, Celestia stands up - you follow suit.
>"Do not worry. Someone as colorful as Anon doesn't just disappear."
 
>Your little tour group makes its way to the Palace of the Royal Sisters
>Yes it deserves the caps in your mind
>Although the castle proper hosted many functions - the administratum, mechanarium, solar and noctis guard - the Palace was the private quarters of the sisters
>As such, security was tight - and rightfully so.
>Guards stop their rounds to bow to you - well, to Celestia, but a mare can dream - and you eventually stand at the base of a tower with the phases of the moon carved into a pair of beautiful, black marble doors
>"Now. I know this looks large, but Luna only really uses the middle and top of the tower. The bottom is...well. Unused. Please hold onto Twilight."
>"What? Why do I nee-" Twilight begins to protest, but AJ and RD latch onto her barrel
>Celestia smiles and opens the doors, dramatically revealing
>books.
>Just... stacks of old, dusty books
>Why in the world Celestia needed to have Twilight hel-
>*POMF*
>You look over and Twilight is sporting a couple of hardons
>This mare
>"Twilight, this is Luna's personal library. Please do not... check anything out."
>Twilight nods.
>"Other than Nonny, of course!" Pinkie adds, and you all share a chuckle
>You make your way into the tower, all the while Twilight mumbles about 'history' and 'knowledge' and 'words'
>First floor is books, and second floor is... looks like furniture. WOW, this feels like your gram gram's house after she died
>Yeah, someone lived here, but it doesn't seem like
>wait
>Your ears twitch, and you hold up a hoof
>Everyone stops
>another twitch
"I think I hear something...."
>"What is it?"
>You shrug. "Sounded short and sharp... further up the stairwell, I think.
>You make it to the third level - this place seemed lived-in
>Pillows, a kitchen, some food set out in a bowl
>*crack*
"Hmm?!"
>you look around, but the source of the sound isn't apparent.
"Did you hear-"
>You turn around, and the other mares are all tilting their heads, trying to find the source of the sound.
 
>You hear another muffled crack, and look at a side stairwell
"Where does that go?"
>You point to the stairwell, and Celestia moves forward. "To an observation tower, to my recollection. I've not been here in... a while."
>The mood softens a bit
>"Well. Onward!"
>Your group falls in behind Celestia as you climb YET ANOTHER SET OF STAIRS
>Your flank is gonna be TONED, girl
>As you ascend, you can hear things
>good job describing things, brain
>shutup daring
>another sharp crack, the sounds of a fight - you know those sounds, and muffled yelling
>Sounds almost like
>"Anon! It's Anon!"
>You don't know who said it, but the effect is instantaneous
>Your group gallops up the stairs and down a hall, finally ending at a thick oak door
>It's browned and dusty with age, but you can tell by looking at it that sucker can withstand a siege
>Behind, you hear the baritone yell of your stallion
>he sounds PISSED
"Well, at least he's alive."
>The girls cut you a glance
>Rarity nods. "Yes...yes." She sighs. "Probably throwing a coltish hissy fit. I guess this explains why Luna's not been out to help - she's had her hooves full!"
>You all share a slight chuckle.
>"Well girls, they do say 'Tartarus hath no fury like a stallion scorned'. What say we go save my sister, hmm?" Celestia responds with a coy smile
>You devilish mare. I'm buyin the drinks tonight!
>With a golden glow, the doors many locks *click* and *thud*
>And the door swings open
 
* * *
>Now gentle reader.
>I don't pull you aside often - this will be the last time, until the end, I promise.
>But I must point out that these ponies - what they saw when they opened the door - their bodies were just not ready.
>You will rejoin the story shortly, but give me the liberty to explain what happened to this herd, and what they saw.
>First, Fluttershy, Twilight, RD and Daring sported raging wingboners. And I have to add raging - have you ever had blood flow to a body part so hard it actually went numb? Fluttershy ended up collapsing.
>AJ and Pinkie pie got weak in the legs - AJ falling face-first, flank in the air, tail aside. Pinkie seemed to be shaking all over; moving yet standing still
>Rarity's eyes began to unfocus and she started to drool. Most unbecoming
>Twilight, however. Poor girl, she was front and center. She suffered the daze of wingboners, sure, but then the raw scent of musk and sweat rolled over her nose and tongue
>I don't believe she was coherent for quite some time afterwards
>Celestia, to her credit, kept her composure. But her wings betrayed her - in a majestic display, they extended to their full height
>and who could blame them?
>For you see, when they opened the door, Anon (the representative of all humanity) was in hour 5 of an epic struggle of wills and muscle, of sinew and sin
>Scrawled over his mostly-naked form were bits of lipstick, lewd words etched onto his skin in marker and mascara
>Most prominently, the word BITCHSPLITTER graced his stomach, with arrows pointing down
>There was evidence of bite marks on his arms and legs - and a couple hoof-prints on his chest
>His boxers had long-since begun to cling to his package, and with the added exertion, he was fully outlined
>But there was so much more to drink in, gentle reader
>He was bathed in a mix of baby oil and sweat, grappling with a similarly-oiled princess of the night
 
>His tacky fake wig flowed in the breeze created by Luna's wings
>Her rump had the word COCKTAMER with arrows pointing to her flank
>If you cared to notice, you could see claw marks down her back and sides
>Her right wing didn't have full range of motion anymore, but that wasn't stopping her
>She was pummeling him with her good wing, smothering him in firm warmpth
>A scowl was on her face, but her tail was always high
>She was trying to get Anon on his back - her legs locking with his, one hoof reaching down to grope lewdly
>In the back of the room, a tasteful tea set was laid out, the card on the table declaring it the "ten minute tea and truce table"
>But nopony noticed that
>And now, gentle reader, let me pull you out of hammer space and send you back to the story.
* * *
>"YOU WILL SURRENDER YOURSELF TO MY THUNDERCUNT, STALLION."
>"MY LIGHT RING IS REVOLVING, BITCH."
>Anon grips Luna by her barrel and bends over backwards, slamming her head and neck into the stone floor
>"GET ON MY LEVEL, SCRUB."
>Anon recovers, a giddy smile on his face - and then he notices the door is open
>And everypony is staring at him
>"HAVE AT YOU...You...ha."
>Whelp, Luna just noticed too
>They stare at you, like a changeling looking into a train's headlight
>"Luna."
>The iciness of how Celestia just said her sister's name instantly sobers you up
>Celestia steps forward
>*tak* *tak* *tak* *tak*
>The measured steps of a ruler about to mete out justice
>*tak* *taktak*
>Or is it of a predator?
>The door glows a soft gold again
>As it closes, you hear her continue.
>[spoiler]"Why was I not invited?[/spoiler]