Title: Daring Douche 16: Ponice Problems Author: brandnewwritefag Pastebin link: http://pastebin.com/g0jAJDpD First Edit: Sunday 14th of December 2014 04:06:43 PM CDT Last Edit: Sunday 14th of December 2014 04:06:43 PM CDT >Be Daring >You just said that >Shutup and focus, brain >You're trailing the paddy wagon that Anon's currently sitting in >Boy does he look PISSED. >At least they let him keep his basket, that was nice of them >There's a colt officer in there with him >mare guards pulling and walking beside the wagon "Alright, alright..." >"What's the plan?!" "GAH!" >You jump and wheel around, surprised at the pink menace that's snuck up on you "Pinkie! Don't scare me l-I mean, don't startle me like that. You know we pones kick..." >She smiles. "Right, right! So, what's the plan? How we gonna bust Anon out?" "Bust hi- no, we just wait for them to drop him off in jail, then go in and post bail. I'm just here to make sure no other mares try to-" >"YAAAAAAAAA" >Fuckin. Why do you keep tempting the universe? >You look up as a rainbow streak makes directly for the Ponice >The sarge pone looks at the streak and does this weird flippy-kick thing >*PING* >Rainbow Hits the hoof of the Ponice pony and performs a graceful arc right down into a nearby lake >"See? This is why we're taking you in.... for your own good." >Wait, what? >"Don't  you get it, Daring? They're taking him in because he's been flaunting himself all around town, inciting a riot!" "Wait, but he didn't-" >"Doesn't matter! Stallions shouldn't tease." "But pinkie, you know Derp-" >"S'ides, I kinda want to see him chained up...." >KINKY. But still, that's wrong. >Don't get me wrong; chained colts are great, especially if they're given in offering to a certain zebrican fertility goddess >But this is just wrong >"So like I was saying, Dara, what are we gonna do?"   >The two of you follow the wagon in relative silence >On the way you pick up Marshmellow Gossip and Book Pone >The four of you discuss the awesome, totally marely battle you just had in the middle of town >As well as catch glimpses of Anon >He's still pissed. But it looks like he's at least winning over the colt that's with him >You better be taking good care of that boy >Oh hey Ponice station >You look at the blue brick station - well, that's generous to call it such. In a town as small as this, it's more like a "reconverted house" with the word "Ponice" painted on the side. >Works as good as anything, you suppose. >The wagon pulls around to the back, and the four of you walk right in >Nopony here >You take a seat in the lobby, looking around >You glance at the reading material >Highlights magazine from 8 years ago >Why are you not surprised? >Finally a mare comes to the front >"Oh! Your Majesty, what do we owe the honor?" >That's right! You've got royalty in your corner! Damn, why didn't you just tell her to arrest the other herd? >"Well, officer, we're here to pickup and post bond for the colt you just arrested. He's new to Equestria, you see, and he-" >The ponice officer shakes her head. "Sorry, we can't do that just yet. He has to go through processing, that sort of thing. You can get him after, though." >Twilight nods, intimately understanding paperwork "But that makes no sense! None of this does!" >Everypony turns to look at you "Think about it! I mean, WE were the ones fighting! If anything, he should be free and we sho-" >"Wait, you were involved in that?" The mare asks >What kind of Ponice force is this >"Uh, yes, is that a problem dear?" Rarity asks >"Well, if it's an issue regarding royalty, we have to pass it up to the crown, so he won't be released until another royal comes dow..." >You tune it out >Your white-knighting just got Anon pushed from a 4 hour stay to a who-knows-how-long stay >You facehoof   >You stand vigil outside the Ponice station >Every so often the guard around you changes - sometimes Dash stays for a bit, sometimes it's Applejack. You don't really pay attention, and they don't try to talk. >The bench is comfy enough, so whatever >In an effort to expedite things, Twilight offered Spike's services to speed up the royal notification >A few minutes after they go in you see a whisp of smoke trail out the window, towards the general direction of Canterlot >You exhale a breath you didn't know you were holding >I'm so sorry, Anon >Heart? What're you doing here? >Just rubbin' in some hoof-made guilt. You? >Pondering life choices. S'good. >"Hey." >You look up at Twilight, a sleeping Spike resting on her back >"Let's get you back home, eh? We never really did... discuss our notes, if I'm remembering right." >You laugh >Of all the fucking things to say at a time like this "You realize most of it is just hypothesis and smut, right?" >She joins your laugh, shrugging a bit. "Fine, then let's go home and read some horrible porn." >Now this is a princess you can get behind! >You stand up and stretch, working the kinks out of your back "So how is he?" >Twilight sighs. "At first, he was pissed. Still is, pretty much. But I assured him that the Crown would refund him all his bits he spent at the market today, plus a little extra for his inconvenience." "Can't you just, I dunno, bust him out with a decree or something?" >Twilight shakes her head. "Apparently not. I checked that - agreed laws stay on the books until a majority princess ruling against them. It's a check and bala-" >You wave your hoof at her, and she stops, giggling >"Sorry. Law can be fun and interesting, yanno!" "And I am certain you are the first sentient being to ever say that sentence and mean it, ever." >She smiles >You return it >"Still. I don't blame you for what happened - neither does Anon." "Wait, you TOLD HIM I CAUSED HIM TO ST-" >Now it's her turn to interrupt you with a hoof   >"First, he deserves the truth, don't you think?" >You grumble your agreement "Just hope you didn't toss me under the chariot." >Twilight shakes her head. "If you didn't say it, I probably would have. Honestly, I had to research that law once the Ponice told us that..." >You both sigh >"Anyway. He's not mad - he's taking it very well. Of course, knowing stallions, we're never going to hear the end of it-" >You laugh and nod >"-but we can make that up to him later. Maybe another Pinkie Party, or-" >"I'M READY!" >You and Twilight cry out as Pinkie just...materializes infront of you! >No, seriously, she just appeared >"Pinkie! How many time hav-" >"Yeah yeah, Twilight, we know. You don't explain your magic, I ain't gotta explain nothin either." >"Pinkie, Magic is a science with fundame-" >"TOPIC CHANGE! So, what's this about Anon?" >Twilight gives out an exasperated groan >You fill in Ponka on what's going on >She nods, seemingly paying attention. Honestly, you don't know with this mare >"So basically Nonny's gonna get a visit from a royal? So what's the big problem?" "The problem!? Royals don't give a fuck about a lot of things, especially law breakers! Who knows what kind of impression they'll have on Anon!" >Pinkie laughs. "Silly, you don't know Twilight!" "How does that even matter?" >"Yeah, I don't really-" >"Twilight, seriously?" Pinkie looks at her flatly. "Your mentor is a princess, your old foalsitter is another who is married to your brother, and the third one owes you her life. How can this go wrong?" >Oh. >Twilight facehoofs. "-sometimes I just forget about all that..." >You laugh. "Well Fuck, girls, this is great! Let's go home and get some dinner and pass out - by tomorrow all this will be sorted out then!" >Pinkie enthusiastically agrees, and the three (plus a passed out spike, but he doesn't matter) of you are off for the castle! >[spoiler] and drunken reading of poorly hoofwritten clop stories [/spoiler]   >BE ANON. AGAIN. >Wow is this gonna be a regular thing? >Possibly, if only to move the story along >ok. What story is this? >"Silence, criminal!" "But I didn't-" >You hear the crack of a whip >"Oooh, I love the tough colts~" The first warden says, licking his lips >"Mmm. He'll be almost as fun to break in as that appleoosan one~" the second one replies, standing waaaaay too close to the other dude >You stand there in a cell - well, two. They kinda just removed the partition between the only two cells in the building - your basket of goods slowly rotting on one of the too-small desks >You haven't been given "orders" to sit yet >The two colts that have you at their mercy? The sadistic one is named Hard Time >The other one is called Fudge Packer, and you just don't like how he looks at you >"We need to check you for contriband!" Hard Time exclaims "Hey now you frisked me for about 20 minutes on the ride here, wha-" >"Shirt off, prisoner!" Fudge Packer says "What? Th' fuck are you-" >"Get the hose" >"Oh I'll get his hose~" >They giggle >So this is hell. You died and are in hell. >You hear the sound of heavy vinyl against stone and think against testing them >Off your shirt goes >Fudge Packer whistles >Heh. Yeah you're gettin swole - work on a farm will do that. Plus, no fast food or soda, so... >He motions for you to turn around >Fuck you want a show? Fine, you jackass >You turn and flex, showing your muscles rippling under your skin >Plan A: They open the jail cell, you crack their skulls and head for the everfree >Plan B: They open the jail cell, you tie them up with the bedsheets into a compromising position, alert the sarge, get new wardens >You feel a spray of cold water hit you unexpectedly "Hey, FUCK! STOP THAT!" >Or, yanno. Plan C: Be dumb as fuck, tease them and give them eye candy   >Hard Time is just...licking the bars to your cell >He's doing it and looking at you in a way that REALLY rustles your jimmies >Fudge Packer is sitting belly-down on a stool, rocking it back and forth with his hips >Damnit don't make eye contact don't make- FUCK >He grins >They demanded you take off your pants, but fuck that >So they just kept hosing you down >You stopped caring. Once you got used to it, it was basically no worse than being hit with a garden hose >They realized you weren't crying or begging for it to stop, so they turned it off >and for the past hour or so, this shit's been going on >"Hey Hard Time" >"Hmm?" >"Think the princess will chain him to the wall like last time?" >Fuck them there was no last time >You look at the wall and... well there -are- screw holes... >They giggle >"Maybe, Fudge Packer. I especially love it when they're done questioning him and let us take over...interrogations..." he inhales sharply as he finds the keyhole for the cell and starts >oh fuck he's tonguging it that's disgusting >You shudder >"Getting cold, Colt? You can always ask for us to warm you up~" >You give them the bird "Fu-" >They suddenly look at you with shit-eating grins >....they even took your favourite curse word from you >Those bastards >"Mmmmmm" Hard Time moans, and you actually hear the tumbling of the pins in the lock as he tongues the fuck out of them >Oh wow that's disgusting "Why not just use a key, you sick fuck?" >"Well, sadly the sarge keeps all the keys on her person. Doesn't want anything to happen to us poor lil' stallions." >Suddenly the clicking of the lock gets more ominous >So if we're ever going to help you, we have to improvise..." >*thunk thunk tick tick CLICK* "Fuck."   >Be Anon >Last and only Human of Equestria >Apex fucking predator >Scared shitless of two tiny marshmellow ponies >You wave your basket at the two colts as they slowly advance "Back! BACK YOU DEVILS" >They laugh - it's not a nice sound >"Go ahead and complain as loud as you want - not like anypony can hear you in here..." >Fuck did they PLAN this from the beginning? >They look at each other and grin in unison >"I call Right!" >"I call Left!" >A Pincer attack! >You slam your back against the wall and pull out a bottle of wine, readying it with one hand >The other you hold your basket, hefting it's weight >You ain't gonna give up your black cherry without a- >THEY MOVE >ALL SYSTEMS ON HIGH ALERT >You crouch slightly and wait for them to come into....range... >You can't >they're fucking with you >Both of them scrabble as quick as they can to the two beds in your double-cell >And start bouncing on them >You...just kinda freeze there, waiting for the other shoe to drop >Don't put down your gua- >"I'm gonna win, Hard Time~" Fudge Packer says as he grips a pillow with his teeth >"Nuh-uh! You're gonna go down~" Hard Time says, thick with innuendo >They charge at each other, pillows at the ready >Are you >Are they... a jail-house pillow fight >Are you in a softcore porn? >You stand/crouch there, back against the wall, bottle ready to cave in a skull, dripping wet >As the two wardens start smacking the shit out of each other with big fluffy down pillows >Feathers going everywhere >What "What." >"That is what I would like to know, human."