Title:           Daring Douche 13: Doughnut Dreams
Author:          brandnewwritefag
Pastebin link:   http://pastebin.com/qUMH8ns0
First Edit:      Saturday 13th of December 2014 03:12:45 PM CDT
Last Edit:       Saturday 13th of December 2014 03:12:45 PM CDT

>So you end up pretty much talking to Pinkie like you did Dash
>How these mares got you to open up so easily...
>...well it's not like you had a lot of friends.
>I guess that's what they are now? Friends?
"Heh."
>"What's so funny?" Pinkie asks, finishing off what has to be her 10th cupcake of the hour
"Nothing - just, I really didn't have many friends before this, what with my lifestyle, and now I'm just pouring out my guts to you."
>"Ewww. But I understand." There's cupcake #11. "So, what are you concerned about now?"
>You mull things over
>On one hoof, Anon might know everything now
>on the other, you're not really doing a good job of playing these small-town hicks
>Really, they've got the upper hoof
"...well, I'd like to know what Anon knows. And eventually I need to catch up with Dash and Twilight."
>Pinkie starts clearing the table - I guess you're wrapping up here.
>"Welllllll I think the best thing you can do is go visit Twilight. You can see how she's doing, if she's walking straight - "
>No, seriously. How does this mare know? That's creepy as fuck
>" - and ACTUALLY go over your notes. I'll distract Anon long enough to get him to forget allllll about you."
"You mean my ex."
>"Mhm!" She nods enthusiastially - a bit too enthusiastic for your tastes
"...and how are you plann-"
>"OKWELLITISTIMETOGODON'TWORRYIFYOURCATSUITSAREMISSINGFROMYOURRUCKSACKIPROMISETOBRINGTHEMBACK" and with that, you're pushed out into the street
>Crazy, friendly, feisty. Apparently Omniscient too.
>Shaking off the mystery that is Pinkie, you begin your trot to the gaudy-as-balls 'castle of friendship'
>It looks like a colt's playhouse
>You meander in - no guards, so... that's neat
>You could probably steal the crystal... uh. everything from this place.
>Suddenly purple
>"Hey there! Hahaha! Ah. Uh Long time no see!" Princess purplesmart awkwardly greets you
"Gah! Tacky! eer. Hey! ah. Hm."
>Wordsmith extraordinare
>You both look at pretty much anything but each other for a few moments
 
>"Your NOTES" a scruffy, alto voice calls out
>"Oh! RIGHT, THANK YOU SPIKE!"
>Spike, who's thi-
>A tiny purple lizard waddles out of one of the side-rooms, looking very nonplussed
>he locks eyes with you for a moment
>those eyes
>he's seen some shit
>"Spike. Dragon. Male, not interested."
>Wow he's got it down pat. Poor bastard.
"Daring Do. Pleasure to meet you"
>"Mmm."
>Twilight giggles nervously. "Oh, ah, forgive Spike - he was up all night recataloguing and shelving the donated books from canterlot - ever since the old treebrary got destroyed, we've had to replace AND enchant all new books against fire damage! And explosive and acid damage, you ca..."
>You tune her out
>so does the lizard
>Another look between you two
>You mouth out "I'm sorry"
>"Only the dead know peace" is his response
>Whoops she's finishing up
>"...and that's why I had to lick the entire encyclopedia! So, ah. N-notes?" Twilight pokes her front hooves together
>Poor thing
"Sure, that'll be great. Do you have any coffee?"
>"C-coffee? I uh, I think we have some for guests, right spike?"
>"Yes. I'll get it to you in a few." He trundles off to what you assume is the kitchen
>"Now, this way! I was able to take a look at some of the sketches you made earl-"
>DAMNIT THOSE WERE PRIVATE AND KINKY. MOSTLY PRIVATE.
>"-some wonderful anatomical, ah, similarities. So tell me, what do you know about bonobos?"
"I know I don't bonobo for free. That shit's gonna cost you."
>"Wait, What?" Twilight turns to look at you
"What?"
>"...no, Bonobos, the monkey."
"OH! Oh, oh. Eh. They're pretty much like any other ape I run into. Don't harass 'em, toss some apples at their general direction, they won't try to rip your wings off. Chimpanzees are the real cunts, though."
>Damn you Mr.Flippy. I remember your bullshit. That's the last time you tour with a circus.
 
>You sit down at a familiar table - all evidence of the rush teleportation job is gone.
>All the windows are open too, and is that a new bedsheet
>You poor mare
>Your notebooks and journals are already unpacked - stacked neatly on the table, little colored sticky notes on various pages
>"S-so, Bonobos. Is that all you know?"
"I know they always travel as a troupe, and uh..."
>You think back to one of your many trips through the jungle
>When did you see bonobos - oh right, just before the whole "fertility goddess" thing...
>Oh. Right.
"...they fuck pretty much all the damn time."
>Twilight giggles again, blushing softly
>"They do pair up quite often, yes. And ac-"
"Pair up?"
>Twilight blushes a bit deeper.
"Say it."
>"N-no! Proper princess ponies don't use such lan-"
"SAY IT."
>She gives you a pouty face - who does she think she is, a stallion?
>You stare at her nonplussed.
>She gives in.
>"Fine, a compromise. They Rut quite-"
"PONIES Rut, Monkeys FUCK."
>"FINE, FINE. THEY FUCK ALL THE DAMN TIME, HAPPY?!" Twilight cries out, exasperated
>a coffee tray lands on your table unceremoniously
>You both look over to a young dragon who has seen some SHIT. "I don't care, I don't want to know."
>"Spike, it's no-"
>"I. DON'T. WANT. TO. KNOW. I'll be out digging gems." He says, turning around and jogging out
>You two look at each other
>You shrug
>She facehooves
"So. Bonobos-"
>"Fuck, yes. But that's not what I was getting at - though I can get to that later." Twilight turns into lecture mode twilight(tm)
>Podium not included
>"Bonobos - and most apes - travel in troupes. From what interviews I've had with him, and gleaned from your notes, he's a social creature cast into a non-social world. Who knows when the last time he was groomed, or when he was playing with his family's young!"
 
>You settle in to listen. Twilight starts to pour the coffee as she speaks
>"Bonobos have very strong ties, and that's something that I don't think Anon is getting. I tried talking with Fluttershy on possibly getting a couple of her other ape friends - maybe a chimpanzee or a gorilla to befriend Anon, but in the end they weren't having it. They were saying somethin' about 'if it ain't got that fuzz it ain't right, cuz.' so that was a bust-"
>Twilight hovers the sugar bowl over your coffee. You shake your head, and she starts dumping it into hers
>Holy shit that's like... half the bo- ok she's not a coffee mare
>You can change her
>"-and then I tried to mimic some of the ape's grooming habits, but I wanted it to seem more realistic, so I got him here and used puppets to help me but he thought it was a puppet show so I ended up doing improv and I don't think he was impressed-"
>You sip your coffee, half listening to her.
>That dragon knows his stuff. You gotta get him some gems sometime.
>I wonder if it's true - that 'sacred' gems taste better.
>Doesn't matter, you can't go back to Bitaly
>Time to tune back in, cause she's looking like she's just vomiting out words now
>"-and I didn't know what to do! I thought that he said he was an omnivore, but when I offered him a terrarium of bugs so he could keep a sustainable supply of protein at his home he laughed like it was a joke! And then-"
>You wave your hoof to stop her
"Ok. So this went from 'let's talk about Anon scientifically' to 'why won't my seduction work?'"
>Twilight lowers her head. "I'm sorry, I just..."
"It's ok! It's ok. We can get to that later."
>She brightens up immediately. "Really? You'll help me be a gentlemare?"
>Cringeinwardly.png
"Ah...your gang and I already talked."
>"Gang?"
>You give her a brief overview of the past 24 hours - minus Sweet Bean. You don't want to go back to there yet.
 
>She nods, sipping from her coffee every so often. Now here comes the cream - damn this mare, she's gonna ruin a good cuppa.
>"So... so you're ok with this? I mean, I know it's odd pre-herding like we are, but I didn't think we could take any chances with screwing this up."
>You're not really 100% behind it
>But... a smaller slice of the pie is better than nothing
>Though, that does raise a question
"How did you actually get all these mares to pre-herd with you? Is it because you're a princess?"
>She grins and shakes her head
>"No, it goes back to bonobos. See, when Anon first showed up, we did take some blood, tissue and hair samples to see what exactly he was."
>Okkaaayyyyy not the best introduction to a stallion, but you've done worse
>Admittedly fucking a mare while wearing a strapon and handlebar moustache to get back at that damn museum-owner's son was pretty boss
>But I digress
>"Turns out, humans are related really closely to bonobos. Like, really related."
"...okay...? I'm still not get-"
>"Bonobos fuck all the damn time."
>You shut up as it hits you
>Nah. Naaaah.
"...are we talkin-"
>"Well, possibly. I mean, I don't know personally, but if he's related that closely to 'em then..."
"So that's why-"
>"You would not BELIEVE the appetite of some of those mares. Yes, that's pretty much the first reason..."
"Even the unico-"
>"From what Pinkie tells me, ESPECIALLY Rarity. But don't tell spike."
"And what abou-"
>"Predator fetish."
"And sh-"
>"Dominatrix."
>You've run right out of questions
>Brain, you got anything?
>Honestly, no. That's pretty impressive.
>It's always the small-town mares you gotta watch out for
>Tell me about it
"Uh."
>"So now...the only thing left to do" Twilight places the coffe down infront of her and looks at you hard. "..is to confirm our hypothesis."
>Kinky!
>Yes, brain. Yes.
>So the two of you begin to bounce ideas off each other
>She's taking the more pragmatic approach of 'cast a want-it-need-it spell on my flank and see what happens'
>You have to remind her that it's not only outlawed to cast love spells on other sentient beings in equestria
>But doing that usually causes the stallion to snuggle your ass until the spell wears off.
>Not that you'd know anything about that first-hoof
>not at all.
>Instead the two of you need to hypothesize about realistic ways to get him to give up the D
>An idea pops into your head
"Hey, so. I know this might be a bit shallow, but what about just getting him roaring drunk?"
>Twilight shakes her head. "I won't allow a stallion to get that drunk around me! Some gutter-trash mare could force herself onto him!"
>She leans in close, like a conspirator. "And I've looked at his legs - I don't think he's strong enough to fight off anypony, let alone a raping-herd."
>Wooow. raping-herd? Where was she getting her news from
>Besides, this isn't frickin medieval equestria where stallions were basically property
>Things had advanced! Hm.
"Well, we'd be the ones drinking with him, so wouldn't he just be around, ah... gentlemares like ourselves all night?"
>You cringe internally after saying 'gentlemares'
>But this idealistic virgin over here seems to be mulling it over
>"Hmm... I guess. We could always chaperone him, and since we're going to herd with him anyway it's fine if I don't get first dibs..."
>There we go. Time to take the reigns
>Kinky!
>I KNOW, brain, I know. Right? Unf. I wonder if he's into saddleplay...
"Well. The way I see it, we have to do it right, so..."
>You begin describing your plan.
 
>It's really simple
>Find a nice middle-run bar
>Not too hoity-toity (though you doubt a place like that exists in a town like this)
>Not too colt-unfriendly. Like a dive bar - great places to meet interesting mares, not so much, ah... get guys in the mood.
>All the girls - the whole herd - will bring him along
>Stallions always think it's safer to drink in a group
>hehe. Just means ya'll get to play "who gets nailed next" roulette
>Get him roaring drunk.
>That step is IMPORTANT.
>Almost as important is NOT TRYING TO MATCH HIS DRINKS.
>You tell Twilight this, and she's shocked/flustered/jealous of your solo-drinking/petting/wingjob on Anon's couch
>can'ttouchthis.mov
>So basically we'll start off drinking socially
>Then each one of us will challenge him to a drinking game until he's good and tipsy
>Spread the pain around, we'll still be somewhat sober
>Then back to Twilight's place for castlesex(tm)
>Also so she can record it, apparently.
>THAT IS SO KINKY
>I KNOW, BRAIN, I KNOW.
>Excited, the two of you split. She'll send her minion out to notify the girls, and you just have to bide your time until nightfall.
>Running on exactly 0 hours of sleep in the past 48 hours, you decide to do what pegasai do best
>Pass the fuck out on a cloud after partying way too hard
>hey, if she ain't got that wing she ain't no thang, child.
* * *
>"oblooblooblooo~"
"Mwha...?"
>"OooBlooblooblloooboboooo~"
"Fuckin'..."
>You open your eyes and stare out at the inky blackness that surrounds you
>BUCK DID YOU SLEEP TOO LATE WHAT TIME IS IT
>You frantically look around, but you can't see...anything
>"Oooblobloblboo~"
"Who's there?!"
>"Faacee yoouurrr feeeaarrsss"
 
>What.
"What."
>"Ooblooo~ Faaacee yooourr feeaaa~"
"Luna can you just stop that now please?"
>You hear quite an undignified harumph and a stomp behind you
>Turning you see the princess of the night
>You feel like you should bow, but yanno
>She's in YOUR head
>with her morals n' shit
>Well, better be safe than sorry
"Your Majesty, to what do I owe this honor?"
>"How did ye know it was me?" She inquires, tilting her head with a small frown
"Well... to be fair, the only things I usually dream about are-"
"-Zebrican Harems"
>"Zebrican Harems" she finishes with you. "Right, well. We weren't about to insert ourselves into something like THAT."
>You chuckle
"It's fun, yanno. Really relaxes the body~"
>You do the sexy wing stretch thing that all mares just know how to do
>Luna rolls her eyes
>"Yes, well. Apparently we are not allowed to have a guardian-harem like we used to. Honestly, why does sister keep an all male castle guard, then?!"
>Wait WHAT was this?
"I, uh.."
>"Oh nevermind. We'll make you forget this by the time you wake up." She sits next to you, legs tucked under her barrel.
>Well dang. That was some juicy information...
"So. What fears do I need to face?"
>She shrugs. "Commitment. Love, actual intimacy. The usual, when it comes to your type."
"Well Excuuuuuse me princess for boring you!"
>Luna sighs. "We did not mean to insult you, adventurer. Just... after doing this job for thousands of years, it does start to get a bit repetitive."
"Yeah, well. Still."
>"Very well then. We shall treat you like a delicate little unique flower. Better?"
>You give luna a flat look.
>She giggles
>But seriously, why is she here?
>"Well, Daring, I had to calm a horrible nightmare from a Sweet Bean last night... know anything about that?"
>HOW DID YOU KNOW - CAN YOU READ MINDS?
>"I can read your mind when I inhabit your dreams. Makes things much easier."
 
>FFFFF
>"Now. About that poor stallion you've led on for months. I thi-"
"YES, OK! I was a whorse, I admit. I cut him loose, I told the truth - isn't that enough?"
>"Well. It is better than what you've done in the past, but in this case you've already lined up another stallion? This has never stopped you before."
"Well... I think this one might be THE one..."
>"Is this why you're planning on getting him drunk and rutting him?"
>Ffffff..fuck.
>You sigh
>"Who is it, if we may ask?"
"Luna, you can read my mind."
>"Yes, but we want you to tell us, and tell me why."
>She smiles softly.
"Anon."
>She tilts her head. "R-really?"
>Yes, can- WAIT YOU CAN ONYL READ MY ACTIVE THOUGHTS THAT I AM ACTUALLY THINKING HA I GOT YOU
>"Gah ok stop yelling!"
>BRIAN-YELLING. Ok.
>"Thank you! Some mares... just tryin to help...." Luna rubs her forhead gently. "So the alien stallion. Why? Just like exotics, like zebras?"
"Ok, one, that was a teensy bit racist, and two, no! He's just... he's not like other stallions. He's dominant, but not in the 'don't hold my hoof I'm an independent stallion that don't need no mare' kinda way."
>Luna nods, looking a bit lost. You think some examples at her, and she 'aahs' softly.
>"Well it is good, we suppose, that there is more equality amongst our ponies." She muses. "So, why this plan to get him drunk?"
>Do you think about it
>Or do you not
>If you think about it, then she'll know
>But if you choose not to-
>"Not thinking about it is causing you to obsess over it, and then I can read your mind."
>FUCK
>"Language, young mare!"
>You grumble in your thoughts. Thoughtily? yeah. New word, take that Maream-Oxford dictionary!
>Luna is silent
>SILENTLY JUDGING YOUR THOUGHTS
>wow that brain-yelling didn't even make her flinch
>Is she
>She is!
>She's steadily getting redder and her wings are lifting from her barrel
>Oh. Oh so she's got to the part where twilight talks about-
 
>"WE MUST GO"
>FUCKING ROYAL CANTERLOT VOICE IN YOUR SKULL
>"PLEASE STOP YELLING" Luna, well, yells, trotting in place
>She hastily looks right, then left, then dives to what seems to be an opening portal
>It would be a graceful exit if her fully-erect wings didn't cause her to get caught.
>She squirms quite ungracefully
>Yeah you're gonna remember ALLL THIS shi-
>"PRESS THE BIG RED BUTTON"
>WHAT DID YOU JUST FRICKIN FINISH THINKING AT HER? YOU SWEA-
>Everything goes black
* * *