Title:           The Magical Edgeventures of Shimmy and Friends
Author:          V-4
Pastebin link:   http://pastebin.com/swLg2bLz
First Edit:      Saturday 2nd of August 2014 08:37:03 PM CDT
Last Edit:       Saturday 2nd of August 2014 08:37:03 PM CDT

>Anon, what the hell are you doing in my apartment?
---
>"Oh, you're back! So, how was the park?"
"Anon, why in the hell are you in my apartment?"
>"Uh, well, you know how doors usually have locks on them that work? Turns out yours doesn't."
"What did you do to my lock, Anon?"
>"Absolutely nothing, I swear! I was just coming to see if you were home, and when I called there was no answer. So, I just opened the door to check to see if you overdosed on Advil, but you were nowhere in sight. So, being the good friend I am, I sat here patiently waiting for you to return and to thwart any possible invaders from appropriating your valuables."
"So, you came in here to watch my house?"
>"Yes."
"And set up shop in my living room, eating my food?"
>"I had to keep up my strength."
"And turning on all the lights, and my television?"
>"It got boring, so I started watching some Shark Week, but turned on the lights cuz I got scared."
"So that's your story?"
>"Yep."
"You're sticking to that?"
>"I most certainly am."
>You stare intently at your uninvited guest, looking for any signs of dishonesty.
>But he's either got a damn good poker face, or he's telling the truth.
"Look, I'm having a really hard day, so please just get out of here and let me relax."
>"But the couch is so comfy."
"Get out."
>"Can't I just stay until the show's over?"
"Go home."
>By the way, your toilet clogged."
"LEAVE!"
>Anon's smile leaves his face, turning into a grimace.
>You stare sternly at him as he gets off the couch and into your face.
>You brace yourself for whatever he's about to do to you.
>As he rears back his arm, you clench your eyes shut.
>"Boop."
>Your eyes snap open, and you stare in disbelief at him.
"Did you honestly just do that?"
>Anon regains his smile, as he flicks your nose with his finger."
>You groan at the stupidity, and collapse on your beanbag.
"Anon, go get me an Advil."
>"You got it, Sweetcheeks!"
>You take out some Head-on, and sigh.
>It's gonna be one of those weeks, again.
 
1/50
 
>It finally feels like the medicine is kicking in.
>You kick off your boots and relax on your beanbag, enjoying the sensation of going numb.
>At least you get some relief from the agony you're experiencing.
>"Hey, Shimmy!"
>Emphasis on some.
"What."
>"I made some nachos. Want some?"
"You out of my house is what I want."
>"Come on, try it."
>He never seems to get the hint.
"Anon, I do not want your nachos."
>"..."
>Well, it seems like he has finally quieted down.
>*poke*
>By Celestia, no.
>*poke*
>Maybe if you ignore it, he'll stop.
>*poke*
>Eventually.
>*poke*
>You jerk your head and prepare to snap at him.
"For fuck's sake, I don't want your damn- IS THAT YOUR F-"
>The presence of nacho fills your mouth, and you try not to throw up.
>And if it wasn't bad enough with one foot, Lefty has also joined the fray.
>Anon's feet start to move your jaw, forcing you to chew the horrible abomination in your mouth.
>"That's it; up and down."
>Surprisingly, aside form the distinct taste of foot, it tastes great.
>For the first time in months, the great taste of home-cooked food takes you back to a much less stressful time in your life.
>"So, it's good, right?"
>You swallow the nacho and some pride and pout as you extend out your arm.
"Just give me the damn plate."
 
>*...and the baby seal is no match for the mighty teeth of the Great White, being killed instantly in its jaws of death."
"So, what's the appeal to this? You just watch things get eaten?"
>"Among other things, but yeah."
>Sloughing off your stupor, you look at the mess in your living room.
>Beans, chips, soda cans and some unknown paste litter the floor around you.
>And your clothes.
>You let out a small belch and feel sick.
>Definitely porked out on too many chips.
>You feel so gross right now.
"I'm gonna go take a shower. You start cleaning up this mess."
>"Will do, Cap'n."
>Leaving your home invader to clean the mess he made, you head off into the hall to the loving embrace of your pristine bathroom.
 
2/50
 
>The handle gives way, and you enter your sanctum of soli-
>BY DISCORD'S BALLS, THAT STENCH IS ATROCIOUS.
>With your hand over your nose, you try to locate the can of air freshener under the sink.
>When you finally grasp it, you bask in your victory as the foul stench is banished.
>You head over to the source of the smell and flush the toilet.
>At least it looks like it's going down.
>Whatever, you'll deal with that problem if it arises.
>For now, you just want to get out of these damn clothes.
>Swiftly, you toss off your outer layers and gingerly remove your padding from the support garment you bought.
>With the last of your fabric bonds discarded, you step into the shower and turn the faucets.
>The sensation of the warm water running over you feels so wonderful.
>You crouch down and sit on the floor, just letting the water run down your body.
>This is the only time you get to yourself anymore, what with the mess you've created.
>Paying for damages to the school, working that stupid job at the mall, and picking up trash at the park for community service.
>It could be worse, you suppose.
>You could be stuck in stocks, serving out a sentence in the rape dungeons these humans undoubtedly have for criminals such as yourself.
>With the kind of things you've seen Celestia have, you don't want to know what these monkeys do to their enemies.
>Suddenly, your reprieve is cut short by the emergence of cold water.
>Dammit, the heater must have burst.
>Well, that's something else you're going to have to suffer with, now.
>You stand up and turn off the water, not wanting to stick around and freeze.
 
3/50
 
>Grabbing your towel, you dry yourself off quickly and fasten it to your less-than impressive chest.
>You flick open the door and walk down the hallway, checking up on your squatter.
"Alright, you better have that mess...cleaned...what in the hell is this?"
>"Oh, I made myself a fort out of some of your pillows, your couch cushions, a blanket, some WD-40 and a twinkie."
"Why?"
>"Well, I figured I need a station so that I might watch over the door to prevent some unsavoury fellows from invading milady's castle."
"I-I-I-I'm not going to deal with this now. I have no patience for your shenanigans. I am going to bed. When I get up, you need to be gone from my house. Clear?"
>"Crystal!"
>Walking away from your living room, you walk over to your bedroom and shed your towel.
>You let your body go limp as you collapse into your mattress and drift off to dreamland.
 
>"Ngh, you'll never succeed, Sunset Shimmer! Twilight and her friends will stop you."
"Blahblahblah, less talking and more servicing my hooves, slave."
>You let your dark magics shine from your horn, forcing the former princess to bow before you and clean the underside of your hoof.
"Enjoy your privilege, Celestia, for you are lucky enough to be the first to taste the sweet flavor of my iron hoof coming down to rule over these idiots. But soon, all of Equestria will be under my control! Ahahaha, ahahahaha, AHAHAHAHA-"
>*knock*
"What the buck is that?"
>*knocknockknock*
>"Shimmy!"
>*KNOCKKNOCK*
>"Wake up, Shimmy!"
>As the dreamscape shatters around you, you find yourself dragged back into the hell of the waking world.
>"Shimmy, get up, this is important!"
>You look over at your clock and frown as you see the horrible presence of a 3.
>"Shimmy, you didn't die in there, did you?"
>You get off of your bed, grab your bat from the nightstand, and trudge over to the door.
>You nearly rip the thing off its hinges as you prepare to knock some sense into Anon.
 
4/50
 
"Anon, you have woken me up, in the unholiest of hours. You have 30 seconds to explain to me why I do not need to break open your skull and get rid of your body off of a cliff."
>Anon blankly stares at you, with a confused look on his face.
"ANON, DON"T IGNORE ME."
>"I'm just a bit surprised, is all. I honestly thought they were much larger."
>You smash the bat into the wall behind him, presenting yourself as angrily as you can.
"20 seconds."
>"Oh, uh, well I was just kinda loafing around and making sure that the door was secure, when I heard the oddest noise."
"15."
>"So I went outside to investigate, and there I see some shady character in the parking lot, just whaling away at some glass outside."
"10."
>"Then, I heard the loudest screech I've ever heard in my life as I dove out of the way from some blinding lights."
"5."
>"To put it shortly, someone jacked your ride, Shimmy."
>The bat falls from your grasp as you go slackjawed, trying to comprehend what Anon just said.
"No, you're messing with me, right?"
>"S-sorry, but it's true."
>You push Anon aside as you run frantically towards out the front door.
>Dropping to your knees in shock, you sit there and weep or your lost car.
>You let out a small mewl as you look behind you, Anon towering over you.
>”Come on, Shimmy, it ain't that bad. At least you're alright, and nothing happened to you.”
>Wiping away your tears, you get back your fiery anger and snap at your comforter.
“No, Anon, this is not alright! This is my life's story! Nothing ever goes my way! I get betrayed by my mentor, lose everything I worked for, get beaten by a purple egghead and a dog, get community service, have to deal with YOU and your bullshit, and now my car is gone! This is not good, at all. How am I supposed t-”
>Anon presses a finger to your lips, and brings you in close to him.
>”It's alright, Shimmy. I'll help you get your car back. Don't you worry about a thing. It'll be ok.”
 
5/50
 
"But h-"
>"Shhh."
"How are you g-"
>"Shhhh."
"My ca-"
>"Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhut the fuck up and come here."
>You feel awkward as Anon pulls you into a really tight hug.
>It's pretty comforting however, and soon you feel yourself reciprocating.
>Maybe Anon's not such a bad guy after a-
>*squeeze*
>"Wow, those are some pretty hot sunbuns. You do yoga or something?"
---
>You are now Anon, sporting a massive black eye.
>And you have no regrets.
>"Dammit, Anon, how much longer until we get there."
"Not much longer. It's just around the corner."
>You pick up your pace as you smell the sweet aroma of sugar and bacon.
>"Slow down, Anon; I can't keep up."
"Gotta go fast, Shimmy."
>You hang a left on the street lamp and turn the corner, right into the wall of the shop.
>Probably should have thought that out more.
>You regain your senses and shamble into the coffee shop.
>The decor all around is surrounded in bubbles, fish, and the occasional sea squirrel.
>Yep; you're home.
>A familiar voice rings out as you approach the counter.
>"Welcome to Seabreeze, what can I get for-ANON!"
"Sup, Derpy?"
>"It's been ages since you came in here, Anon! Where have you been?"
"Watching Shark Week."
>"Yeah, that sounds like you."
>The door jingles as the bells announce the arrival of your entourage.
>"O-oh, how are you, Sunset Shimmer?"
>Your friend sits up at the counter with you, too tired to converse with her usual sunny disposition.
>"I-is she gonna do something, Anon?"
"Nah, she's pretty tired. Got like, 5 hours of sleep."
>"Oh, well, maybe some coffee for her then?"
"Sure; why not?"
>You pull out a 5-dollar bill and pass it off to Derpy.
>You watch her fine ass go as she heads off to make you a drink for Shimmy.
>Speaking of which...
"Hey, Shimmy?"
>"What, Anon?"
"So, since we're here, I'd thought we'd discuss phase 1 of "Operation:Reclaim Shimmy's Wheels In As Few Pieces As Possible."
>Shimmy gives you a groggy-eyed look of disapproval.
"The name is subject to change."
 
6/50
 
>Shimmy waves you on and goes back to propping herself up on her elbows.
"Alright, so the most important part of phase 1 is that we find your car. To that effect, we are going to enlist the help of Ms. Hooves over there."
>"We're going to get wall-eyes over there, who bumps into the open doors of lockers, to help find my car?"
"Yeah."
>"...Anon, do you have autism? It is alright if you do, because that would explain a lot."
"Probably, but still, she's really god at finding things."
>"Maybe finding the crayons she's shoved up her nose, but I can't fathom her finding anything else."
>Shimmy jumps back as a plate and mug slide right in front of her at breakneck speed.
>"Perfect slide!"
>You chuckle at the incredulous look Sunset gives you and Derpy.
"Well, what are you waiting for? Drink the coffee! I already paid for the damn thing."
>She stares at you both as she slowly sips the brew, getting lost in the beautiful dance of the cream and coffee.
>"Heh, looks like she likes it, Anon."
"No one can resist quadruple espresso!"
>Derpy perks up as she rushes back into the kitchen with zeal.
>Guess she's got something else up her sleeve.
"Ah, before I forget, I found this note after I almost got turned into a pancake."
>Shimmy gets awfully livid once she hears what you said.
>Quadruple espresso never fails.
>"You've had a note this entire time, from the person that stole my car, and neglected to tell me?!"
"Hold on, don't get your ovaries in a knot, I was gonna tell you. Anyway, the note reads:'To the owner of the car, I'm borrowing it. I might return it to you. Maybe not. Later, dweeb'."
>"Why did you keep this from me?"
"Well, because the name part got torn up when the person peeled out of the driveway. All that's left is a G. That's why we came here."
>Your grey compatriot returns with two freshly baked muffins in her hands.
"Hey, there you are. Oh, sweet muffins."
>"I made them for you...and Sunset."
>She hands the two of you the yummy baked goods.
>"Eat up!"
 
7/50
 
>You scarf down the muffin, enjoying the caramel and chocolate baked right in.
>Sunset just stares at it.
>"I'll save it for later."
>Derpy frowns as Shimmy pushes the muffin aside.
"Hey, Derpy?"
>"Yeah, Anon?"
"So, we're looking for Shimmy's ride. Someone jacked it. We don't know whom it was but we got a note."
>"Can I see?"
>You give the note over to Derpy, who zooms over it with one eye.
>You'll never get used to that.
>"I see. Hey, Anon, did you happen to get a look at the person that did this?"
"No, but I smelled something on them?"
>"What did you smell?"
"Pretty sure it was Axe. I mean, I use the stuff sometimes, but this person overdid it. My eyes burned when I smelled it at first."
>"I think I know who took your vehicle."
>Shimmy beams at the revelation.
>"You do?!"
>"Yeah, but you're not gonna like it. I think Gilda was the one that took your ride."
>Shimmy slumps into her seat, dejected.
>"Well, we're not getting my ride back, I guess. Not like we're gonna find her anytime soon."
>"Actually, I know almost every place Gilda hangs out. She's probably doing donuts somewhere, running some yay over to Las Pegasus, or harassing Rainbow Dash. She's probably drunk, too."
>You and Shimmy both stare at Derpy, baffled.
>"What?"
>"I thought I was the only one that knew people that well."
>"You'd be surprised what I know, beestings."
>Shimmy narrows her eyes and stares at Derpy, who's still smiling without a care in the world.
>Then, you see a genuine smile for once on Shimmy's face.
>"Perhaps you're not so useless after all, Bannister-butt."
>You watch as Derpy and Sunset lock eyes with each other, before interjecting into the conversation.
"Perfect! Now, we'll just head over to my house and prepare our supplies for our arduous journey."
>"Alright, just let me tell my dad I'm going out, then I'm with you."
>You and Derpy grab hands, then drag Shimmy into it as you let out a cheer.
>"Go Team Carfinders!"
"Go Team Carfinders!"
>"...You're both idiots."
 
8/50
 
---
>"Just hold on a moment; I'll be out in a bit, Shimmy."
>Well, looks like you're stuck waiting for Anon to leave the house, again.
>You just loaf around outside, standing out in the driveway.
>How much time does he need to get ready?
>And why did he leave you out here with Wall-eyes?
>It's pretty awful, just sitting here trying to avoid talking to her.
>"Hey, Sunset, how are you holding up?"
>You look over to her, eyebrow cocked.
"You're talking to me?"
>"Well, I thought I'd see how you were doing. It must be pretty hard to imagine what might be happening to your car. I mean, I'd be worried sick if anyone stole my scooter."
>You roll your eyes and blankly stare at Derpy.
"Look, you're helping out Anon, and by proxy me, but don't start thinking this means we're friends or anything. I have no need for any more annoying parasites like him sticking around me."
>Derpy looks back down to the ground, and you do the same.
>What the fuck is taking him so long to get out of there?
>"Alright, ladies; prepare to be amazed."
>A click comes from behind the door of the garage, and you see Anon hanging in front of the most glaring red car you've ever seen.
>Wait, is that a remote?
>Anon smiles as he presses down on a button, and you are blown back by the sudden blast of sound.
>http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=RisWH8iMLdE#t=16 [Embed]
>Oh, hell no.
>The migraines are coming back.
>You try to shield your ears from the onslaught of the sound system, but to no avail.
"ANON, SHUT IT OFF!"
>*click*
>"You really have no appreciation for a dramatic entrance, do you?"
>Derpy starts to applaud and cheer at the tomfoolery taking place.
>Figures that she'd like it.
>You walk up to Anon and stare at the car.
"So, this is our ride?"
>"Yeah. This little Miata has gotten me through thick and thin, and she's gonna help us get your car back."
"I hope this thing runs better than it looks."
>"Cherry runs like a dream; now let's get going.
>"I call shotgun!"
 
9/50
 
>You roll your eyes as Derpy and Anon jump into the car, giddy with glee.
>Are you actually going through with help from these people?
>*HONK*
>"Get a move on, Shimmy! We're burning daylight."
>Reluctantly, you sidle into the back and recline into the leather as Anon starts the car.
>At least the seats are comfy enough to sleep on.
>"Okay; where to first, Derpy?"
>"Well, I'm thinking Rainbow Dash would be the best place to start."
>Uh-oh.
"Uh, maybe we should take a bit more time to-"
>"Next stop: Dash's house."
>"Just turn left and go straight for a three blocks. You'll know her house when you see it.”
“Celestia, no.”
>”What do you mean by that?”
>”You'll see.”
>Maybe if you can hide on the floor of the car, you can escape meeting her.
>”Oh, hey, we're here!”
>”Oh, I see what you mean. You'd think she'd put her equipment away. And is that a turtle?”
>”It's a tortoise, Anon.”
>While the idiots are distracted, you slink into the bottom of the car.
>The dorito crumbs and moist towelette wrappers will hide your presence.
>”Let's go see if she's up.”
>You trace every sound and prepare to wait it out in the car.
>*ding-dong*
>”BE RIGHT THERE!”
>Yeah, that's her voice.
>”Oh, it's you, Derpy... and who are you?”
>”I'm Anon. I sit next to you in Mr. Sans' class.”
>”Oh, yeah; I cheated off your test once. Thanks for that.”
>Alright, just small talk.
>No mention of anything yet.
>”So, what're you doing here?”
>”Oh, we came to look for Gilda. Was she here yesterday, perchance?”
>”Yeah, she was. How did you guys know?”
>”Derpy had a feeling. So, did she tell you where she went?”
>”Well, she came to the front yard and started yelling at me. Then she started chucking bottles at my house. Said something about how terrible I am. Then she peeled out and headed off towards downtown. Why do you guys want to know?”
>”Oh, we don't want to know.”
>”Then who wants to know?”
>Don't you do it, Anon.
 
10/50
 
>"Oh, she never came out of the car, did she? Hey, Shimmy, get your sunbuns out here!"
>"Shimmy?"
>Why did you have to do this, Anon?
>Everything was fine.
>"Hey, 'Shimmy', come out here!"
>Looks like there's no avoiding it now.
>Slowly, you crawl up and out of the car.
>"Oh, heya, Sunset!"
>You clear your throat and trace the the ground with your foot.
"H-hello, Rainbow Dash."
>"You go by 'Shimmy' now?"
"N-no! That's Anon's thing."
>"Oh, I see~"
"N-ot like that!"
>"Whatever you say. So, why do you want to know where Gilda went?"
>You fidget and stammer, unable to spit it out.
>"Yoohoo, Earth to Sunset: come in, Sunset."
>You're about to speak up when Anon interjects.
>"Ah, it's pretty embarrassing for her to speak about, so I'll do it for her."
>No, don't you dare, Anon!
"You see, Gilda left Sunset's place after a rousing night of hot lesbian yoga, but forgot her leather jacket as she rushed her way out of her house and she wants to go return it to her."
>Your cheeks go redder than Anon's gaudy car as you hear him fuck up this situation more.
"Anon!"
>"I -see- what this is about. Hehe, you guys have fun with tracking down Gilda. I'll give you guys a call if I see her."
>"Got it. Derpy, pick up Sunset and let's roll."
>You try to squeak out something to explain yourself, but just find no words as Rainbow Dash smirks and waves goodbye.
 
>"You alright, Shimmy? You've been awful quiet back there."
>You keep your mouth shut.
>"Come on, we got our first lead on her! Aren't you happy?"
>If you stare hard enough at the back of his head, maybe you'll drill a hole through it.
>"If you got a problem, we can talk about it."
"Anon, you ARE my problem!"
>"Don't be like that, Sunbuns."
"You just humiliated me in front of HER of all people. She's gonna tell her other friends and they'll think I'm a fillyfooler!"
>"Better that than them coming with us to get your car back, right?"
>Wait, he did that to throw her off?
 
11/50
 
>You stare at Anon as he smirks into the mirror.
>"I knew that you didn't want your new buddies to get concerned with your problems, so I covered for you. Quite nicely, I might add. I'm not that much of an idiot, you know."
>Your brow furrows as you stare directly at his reflection.
"So, you decided the best way to proceed at that moment was to ruin my image and have me forever associated with Rainbow Dash's Stalker?"
>"Oh, please; you're image was ruined far before that came into the picture."
>"He got you there, Sunset."
"You stay out of this, Wall-eyes!"
>"Anyway, what's done is done, and we're 2 steps closer to finding your car."
>You fold you arms and pout.
“I still don't like what you-”
>”Hey, pull in here!”
>You brace yourself against the door as Anon whips around a corner and into a parking lot.
>How did he ever get a license?
>”Okay, just wait right here guys. I'm gonna go have a chat with my uncle.”
>The two of you sit back as you watch Derpy head into Triple Malt's Liquor Store.
>You can even make out what's happening in the store through a far window.
>Looks like she's talking to someone.
>That's probably her uncle.
>Wow, he's a pretty active speaker.
>He looks pretty mad now, too.
>And now he's motioning choking the life out of somebody.
>Maybe chasing down Gilda is a bit more dangerous than you thought.
>Oh, she's coming out of the store.
>With a broken bottle.
>The fuck?
>”Hey, what the hell was that about?”
>”I found out that she came here. My uncle said she came around in some shitty lemon (his words, not mine, Sunset), walked into his store, tried to buy a pack of smokes off of him with a fake I.D., then she started getting violent and smashing stuff when he confiscated her card. He told me to take this bottle, and shove it up her ass when I find her. Apparently, this was some expensive booze.”
>Definitely having second thoughts about this, now.
 
12/50
 
>"That's nice an all, but did you find out where she might have gone?”
>”He said she drove down Trotter and Chariot, which heads right towards one of her other hang outs. I figure we'll find here there.”
>”Well, hop in and lead the way.”
>Derpy rejoins your caravan and you speed off into the road again.
>You tap her on the shoulder and look her in one of her eyes.
“Hey, Wall-eyes, how do you know all of this stuff? Even I don't know where she hangs out like this.”
>She giggles and gives you a smile.
>”When people think you're an idiot with eyes that swivel like an office chair, people get careless with what they say and do in front of you. Knowledge is better than self-esteem, I guess.”
“That was a bit dark, but informative.”
>You hug the door again, as Anon swerves into another parking lot.
>”Anon, what the h-e-double-fuck are you doing here?”
>”Well, we've been searching for hours, and I gotta say that we shouldn't miss lunch.”
“It's 4:00.”
>”All the more reason to eat now.”
“Whatever. Guess I could stand to eat something besides a muffin.”
>Your chauffeur swings into the drive-thru lane, hugging the corners tight.
>Your kidney will be paste by the time you get through this ride.
>A machine lights up below the menu to the side of the car.
>”Welcome to Hayburger, home of the Hayburger. What can I do for you, today?”
>”Oh, sup, Big Mac? Nice to see you got a job that pays enough to help pay those gambling debts.”
>”Yeah, it is. Now, what would ya like to order?”
>”I'll have a number 9.”
>Anon swivels back and looks to you.
“I'll take what you're getting, I guess.”
>”How about you, Derps?”
>She squints hard at the menu and refocuses her lazy eye.
>Creepy.
>”I'll have two number 9s, a number 9 large, a number 6 with extra dip, a number 7, two number 45s, one with cheese, and a large soda."
>You both stare shocked at the grey girl in the passenger's seat.
>”What? I'm hungry.”
 
13/50
 
>The two of you shrug and look back to the machine.
>"You catch that, Big Mac?"
>"Eyup. That'll be $37.50. Please proceed through to the window."
>Anon takes it easy for once as he rolls towards the pickup window.
>"Here's your order, sir. We hope you have a 'hay' of a day."
>Anon exchanges the food for the money and drives off with victuals acquired.
>Derpy wastes no time in digging into the bag for her order.
>Girl sure can pack it away.
>Anon hands you back a small bag, with what you guess is your food.
>You unwrap it and see a large frank wrapped in a blanket of sauerkraut and alfalfa.
>How does Anon eat this crap?
>”Don't be shy, Shimmy; it's good!”
>Cautiously, you take a bite out of the abortion of a food product.
>Hmm, it is pretty good.
>Guess not all of his decisions suck.
>“Hey, Derpy, where we heading next?”
>The bottomless pit ceases the snacking to answer.
>”Wuh huh dnn mrrstert n drd bhhks pst sgrcuhcnn.”
“Try that again without food in your mouth, Wall-eyes.”
>”*gulp* I said we go down Mare Street and thirty blocks past Sugarcube Corner.”
>”Hold on, you mean we go to the trailer park?”
>”Correctamundo.”
>”But that place is filled with crack addicts, meth labs, rottweilers and mexicans!”
“Sounds like the perfect place for her to be.”
>”...Yeah, it does.”
 
>The car pulls to a stop and you stare at the large congregation of brown men gathered around a ring.
>You pop another Advil to stave off the inevitable migraine from the extremely loud music.
>As you get closer to the ring, you hear a mixture of groans and cheers.
>”And the victor is: El Conejo Supremoooooo!”
>”Woohoo, you did it, Angel! You made mama proud!”
>Wait, you know that voice.
“Fluttershy, is that you?”
>You hear a startled squeak and see a yellow girl and a rabbit in a mask running off into the distance.
>Even animal rights activists need hobbies, you guess.
 
14/50
 
>"Okay, guys, just follow me and let me do the talking. Grab hands and don't break the train."
>Derpy grabs your hand, then Anon grabs yours.
>You stumble along as you work your way through the lines of vendors, the barbecues, the bunny infirmary and the stampede of hydraulically enhanced cars.
>Then, the train stops and you bump right into Anon.
>"We're here. Hold on, it'll be just a moment."
>Derpy knocks on the front of the trailer, to the tune of "La Cucaracha".
>After her secret knock, a burly man about 9ft tall with enough hair on his arms to make a gorilla blush.
>He bends down to your eye level and lets out a thunderous laugh.
>"Hola, mi ahijada! Como estas?"
>Derpy smiles and gives the man a hug.
>"Yo estoy muy contento, padrino, pero necesitamos su ayuda."
>"Que necesitas, niña?
>"Estamos a buscando a la chica del gallo. Sabes donde esta?"
>"Scootaloo esta en su casa."
>"No, la otra chica del gallo."
>" Oh; ella está cerca de la cantera. "
>Anon leans over to you and whispers.
>"do you understand what they're saying?"
"i don't speak their taco language."
>"Muchas gracias, padrino! Buenas noches!"
>Derpy heads back over towards you, with a nervous smile.
>"So, what hapened, Derpy?"
>"Well, I know where she is now, I think."
"REALLY?!"
>"Yeah, but, you know...there's a problem..."
>You don't like the sound of that.
"Problem? What problem?"
>"Well...she left for the quarry."
"SHE DID WHAT!!?"
>"Calm down, Sunset! I'm sure she's not driven it into a boulder...probably..."
>You reach into your pocket and slam back another Advil.
>Overdosing would be better than dealing with a migraine attack.
>"I'm sure it's fine, though! She's a good driver! She's done drag racing here while drunk, and only crashed once!"
>You go weak and hold onto Anon for support.
>You're definitely gonna need a bigger pill.
 
15/50
 
>The group collectively sighs as you all see the quarry coming into view.
>You just hope it's not too late.
>A horrible hiss fills the night air, and the car starts to slow down.
>"Uh-oh."
"No, no, don't slow down, keep going!"
>"Uh, it's not that simple."
>The car grinds to a halt as the hood lets out a huge burst of steam.
"What's happening?"
>"Looks and sounds like the radiator just got totaled. We're going to have to hoof it from here."
"Fucking A! Just what I wanted to do!"
>You kick open the door and storm off towards the quarry, your companions following suit.
“First, she takes my car; then I get stuck with you two, AND NOW I HAVE TO WALK A DAMN MILE IN THE NIGHT COLD. When I get my hands on that drunk bitch, I am gonna strip off her clothes, tie her up, beat her till her skin bleeds, give every finger and toe she has a paper cut and rub freshly-chopped peppers on her EXPOSED WOUNDS!”
>The footsteps behind you die down, as Anon and Derpy stop in their tracks.
>You look back to see them quite appalled at your recent outburst.
>They look at each other and then back to you.
>”Sunset, you need anger management classes.”
>”Shimmy, you need to get laid.”
“Oh, shut up, you losers. I was only 3/4ths serious.”
>You pick up your legs and start trotting onwards.
>”That's still quite a big percentage of seriousness.”
>”Also, she's like twice your size, Sunset. She'll kick your ass!”
“Oh, please, I've dealt with much larger things than Gilda.”
>”Oh, really?”
“Yes!”
>”Were they -stiff- competition?”
“Like you wouldn't believe.
>”Were they -hard- to deal with?”
“Not even Celestia herself could have resolved them.”
>”Did it take a -long- time to succeed?”
“I wasted the greater portion of my life on them, so, yes it consumed a lot of my time.”
>You stop in your tracks as you hear some muffled sounds coming form behind you.
>Your lackeys are holding their sides, trying their hardest to hold their laughter in.
 
16/50
 
"What's so funny?"
>The two buffoons can't contain their laughter and break out into hysterics.
"You two are so weird."
>"Pfft, did you really not understand what we were doing?"
"Gaah, stop trying to mess with my head! I've got enough problems with it, without the two of you exacerbating it."
>You turn around to walk, but your foot catches on a large stone.
>Time slows down as you observe your impending face-plant.
>*thwack*
>Sadly, it didn't slow down enough for you to react.
>Your “friends” bust a gut and collapse along with you.
>With indignation in your eyes, you turn around and give them the angriest look you can muster.
>They're too indulged into their laughter to care.
“I swear, once I find my car, I'm going to kick your asses into the quarry and peel out while you two slowly freeze to death.”
>They're still not done.
>Forget them, you've got a mission to accomplish.
>...and judging from that shape in the distance, you might have just succeeded.
>You hightail it into the distance, hoping that your instincts are correct this time.
>And they are!
>It's there!
>It's really there!
>You get on your knees and hug your precious motor vehicle.
>You've never been this happy to see an inanimate object before in your lif-
>Alright, you have, but we all know where that went.
>Regardless, you're so happy to see the car, you could just-
>”*Snore* Hands off the merchandise, dork...”
>That came from the bushes.
>Sure enough, you find the source of your discontent, passed out.
>In her own vomit.
>With no pants.
>...This bitch has no decency, does she?
>You take your leg, wind up a kick, and deliver a firm boot straight up her ass.
>She snaps out of her sleep and starts to freak out.
>”Ah, dammit, whattafuck just hit me?!”
“Up here, asshole!”
>”Fuck do you want, dweeb?”
“I want my car back.”
>”Oh, that's your car...it handles great.”
“I know how it handles, you fucking lush.”
 
17/50
 
>"Like seriously, great car. You wanna sell it? I'll pay double what it cost you."
"No! I just want to take my car back, and I'm doing that now."
>Gilda straightens herself up and cracks her spine.
>Sweet Celestia, she is much larger than you.
>And her muscles are massive.
>You may want to rethink your previous statement.
>"Hey, so, town's like fucking miles away. I also ain't got no car. You mind giving me a ride back to town?"
"What did you just say?"
>"I said, I need a ride."
>So, you did hear her right.
"Let me get this straight: You fucking stole my car, ran around town with it, got your fucking deodorant stench all over it, wasted my gas, and now you're asking me to give you a ride?"
>"S'right."
>Luna's teats; the gall that this girl has.
>The fucking BALLS this girl has to ask you to take her ass back to town.
>Of course, you could easily get her to come back to your house, and get your revenge quite nicely.
>She's a drug-addled delinquent, so no one's going to miss her.
"...Fuck it; get in my car. I'll make sure you get home, just fine."
>"Fuckin' finally. I'm gonna go lie down in the back; too tired to sit."
>You usher your prey into the back of your car, and hear more footsteps coming down the road.
>As much as you want to ditch them here, they were useful enough to get your car back.
>Plus, you really don't want to drive back so late at night.
>”Yo, Shimmy, you ditched us!”
>You ignore Anon and make sure the bitch is in the backseat.
>As soon as she's in, you pass off your keys to Anon and walk to the other side.
“Drive me home; and don't drop the keys.”
>”She hotwired the car, so I don't-”
“Just drive.”
>You get in the car and wait for Derpy and Anon to get in.
>Derpy looks back hesitantly in the back.
>”I-is she awake? I still have the bottle, so I need to know.”
"I don't fucking care."
>You kick up your boots on the armrest and chill.
"I just wanna go home."
 
18/50
 
>The car turns over and you enjoy the sensation of victory at last.
>Now you can actually reliably serve out the rest of your community service and work without worry.
>Seems like something's finally going your way.
>"Hey, what's that shiny thing behind us?"
>Gilda gets up and looks behind the car, and you swear you see her eyes turn into pinpricks.
>"Oh, shit, drivedrivedrive!"
>"What's the ru-"
>"DRIVE, DWEEB!
>Anon slams on the pedal and you go zooming off.
>And the window lever is in your OTHER kidney.
>You're gonna be in dialysis in no time.
>Behind you, the other light is getting closer.
>And Gilda is sweating bullets.
>Dammit, all over your new seat cover, too.
>”Step on it, dweeb! I zipped around that quarry in 2 minutes, I know this car goes faster than that!”
>The tires screech as Anon shifts into maximum overdrive, trying to get away from the ever-gaining light behind you.
>Eventually, the light gets close enough for you to make out a pair of horns on the roof of the car, or whatever the hell that thing is.
>Seriously, what the hell is that thing?
“Hey, Featherhead, what the hell is that thing?”
>”It's a Hummerzine!”
>”People actually drive those things? I thought they were an urban myth.”
>The giant obnoxiously yellow abortion behind you suggests otherwise.
>Oh, Celestia, something's coming of the driver's seat.
>”I'm coming for you, bitch! You cannot escape the pain, that's about to be delivered by Pimp Cane!”
>Pimp Cane?
>And you thought names sucked back home.
“Who is this man with the compensatory vehicle, and why are we being chased?”
>Everyone in the car turn around and singles out Gilda.
>”What are you dweebs looking at me for?!”
>You all give her a blank stare.
>”Alright, fine, I maybe sorta kinda pissed him off a teensie-weensie bit.”
“So, he's going after you?”
>”I guess-”
“All I needed to hear.”
 
19/50
 
>You take off your buckle with one swift motion, and leap for the right car door.
>You shove it open and use your weight to toss Gilda into the open door.
>"What the fuck?!"
"Free ride's over!"
>You attempt to finish the job, but she grabs onto the entirety of the doorway with her four limbs
>Clever girl.
"Anon, help me chuck this dead weight!"
>"What, NO, I'm not doing that!"
"IT"S HER OR US!"
>"You can't just toss me out there; I'll die! If the fall doesn't kill me, HE WILL."
"That is none of my business."
>”You're a HEARTLESS BITCH!”
“And you're going bye-bye!”
>You kick her left arm with all your might, and you definitely hear some fingers crack.
>Then, you wedge yourself between the seat and the armrest and drive your point home.
>”I'm not going to die here!”
>Before she's lost grip completely, she grabs onto the blond locks of Derpy and anchors herslef with her legs.
>Damn, you need core strength like that.
>”LET GO OF MY HAIR!!!”
>”NOT UNTIL I GET BACK IN.”
>”Shimmy, do something!”
“I tried, but you flaked on me!”
>”SOMETHING BESIDES THAT!”
>You stare frantically around the car, looking for something to use, and you spot the bottle in Derpy's lap.
“Sorry, Wall-eyes, but you'll thank me later!”
>You grab the bottle, grapple onto the doorway and fling with all your might.
>The bottle sails at the ground, right before the wheels of the Hummerzine catch you, and cracks.
>V.A.T.S. Probability:100%
>The shards go up in the tires, causing the vehicle to lose control and flip, landing straight onto the horns and tearing up the asphalt.
>The car slows down, and you come to a stop to check behind you.
>”Is he dead?”
>A roided-out body crawling from the wreckage confirms that, no, he is not dead.
>”You fucking assholes busted my ride! I'm gonna get revenge on all of you; there's no place you can hide!”
>You all silently agree to shut the doors and peel out, leaving behind Pimp Cane and his busted ride.
 
20/50
 
>The car is silent as it heads along the long stretch of road.
>You shake your Advil container, but nothing is inside of it.
>Of all the times to run out.
>Well, at least you can breath a bit easier, with the heat off of you.
>You turn over to Gilda, who's shaken to the core and nearly crying.
>Considering how close she came to dying today, you guess she earned the right to be shaken.
>Now, time to get to the bottom of this.
"Hey, it's Gilda, right?"
>She stops fidgeting enough to pay attention to you.
>"Y-yeah."
"Alright. So, you wanna tell us what the hell that was all about?"
>"N-nothing! I just cut the dude off in traffic earlier, and he started coming after me! He's insane! You saw those grotesque muscles, right?"
>You roll your eyes and glare at her.
"Yeah, because someone is definitely going to just try to ram you off the road for something as petty as that, not to mention chase you down long enough to actually find you."
>"Just, shut up and leave it alone! This doesn't involve you.”
“Bitch, we were going to get rammed and ran off the road. Not to mention he swore revenge on all of us. I'm pretty damn sure this involves us now.”
>Gilda looks guilty as she tries to avoid the truth, but you've got enough years under your belt strong-arming the information you want out of people.
>”Okay, so, I may have done more than just cut him off in traffic.”
“You don't say?”
>”Just shut up and listen! Alright, so, you know how people have dark secrets, and they will pay anything to keep those secrets from being public? Well, I've kinda been...blackmailingPimpCaneabout hisaffair.”
“What?”
>”Ugh, I”M BLACKMAILING HIM. Understand?”
>Well, that's just great.
>You're now involved in blackmailing someone that's rich enough to drive something that godawful-looking.
>This is another fine mess that fate's thrown you into.
 
21/50
 
"So, you're telling me we're being chased by a rich psychopath that wants nothing more than to keep his dirty little secret from getting out?"
>”Uh, sorta.”
“And you felt it was insignificant enough to not tell us that this man was going to come after us, having seen YOU in MY car, even though this would most likely mean we were going to get our asses handed to us by this guy?”
>”Hey, you know now, so stop riding my ass!”
>You wish you had some Advil right now.
>”Hey, Gilda, you gonna apologize?”
>”What?”
>”Apologize! You know; 'I'm sorry' and junk like that?”
>”What for?”
>”You almost took Derpy's head off!”
>”Oh, please, she's not whining about it.”
>”She passed out!”
>”Well, the situation resolved itself.”
>”I am beginning to rethink letting you fall.”
“Heyheyhey, bring it back to the important stuff! We're getting involved in your mess! YOUR MESS!”
>”It may as well be our mess, now. Pimp Cane knows your car, and he probably saw you toss that bottle. So, you're in this with me, whether you like it or not.”
>You put your head in your hands and scream until the rage is gone.
“Whew, glad I got that out of my system. Now, we need to call the police and get this maniac behind bars. Anon, can you get my phone off the dash?”
>”You don't get it, do you? This guy is BAD NEWS. The cops aren't going to be able to help you, and more importantly, the guy you call will just rat you out. They'll find out where you are, and then Pimp Cane's goons are gonna be on you in seconds.”
>Gilda reaches into her pocket and pulls out a cigarette.
>”Got a light?”
>You pull out your Zippo and hand it to her.
“So, what in the hell are you saying? We're just screwed? We're waiting to die?”
>”No! We just need to get ourselves some insurance. Small fry like me don't survive on our own. We get by with big fish backing us up. We just need to get ourselves to a bigger fish than Pimp Cane, and we're golden.”
 
22/50
 
"Bigger fish?"
>"Yeah; like a larger shark to eat a smaller shark."
>The car wheels stop, and you go lurching forward.
>Probably should have put your belt back on.
"Ow, what the hell is with that, Anon?"
>”There's a motel straight ahead. I'm saying we get in there and hunker down for the night.”
“No! There's a bloodthirsty asshole out for our hides! Keep driving!”
>”Hold on, Ketchup, he's got a good idea.”
>”I do?”
“He does?”
>”Well, yeah, it seems stupid, but it's not that bad. Pimp Cane isn't the sharpest tool in the shed. He's gonna send his guys out on the road, and probably not even think to check places like this. He'd assume we'd try to run as far away as possible as fast as possible. If we take our time, we might have a better chance of surviving.”
>You try to understand her logic, but Anon rolls over towards the motel anyway.
>Looks like this is happening.
 
>The key fits the lock, so this must be the room.
>It'd be easier to know if the numbers were still on these doors.
>You open the door and are less than amused at the lack of space in the room.
>What is this, a motel for ants?
>The rest of the crew gets into the room, and promptly stake out a claim for themselves.
>Gilda predictably takes one of the beds.
>Anon places poor Derpy on the bed, instead of himself.
>What a weenie.
>Looks like you get the couch.
>You swing the bag and chuck it to the far side of the room.
>Anon sees this and dives onto the bed.
>A shot rings out as a bullet whizzes by you head, and into the wall behind you.
“What the fuck did you put in there!?”
>”Dammit, Shimmy, be careful with that bag!”
“That could have hit me!”
>Oh, the migraines are coming back.
>You rub your temples and try to relieve the stress.
>Gilda comes over to you and hands you a hand rolled cigarette.
>”I'm guessing you had a headache. Try this, and I guarantee it will go away.”
 
23/50
 
"No thanks. Last thing I need is to get addicted to something besides power."
>"Just take it, you dork."
>Before you can protest again, she shoves it into your mouth and lights it.
>She motions for you to inhale.
>Oh, what does it matter anymore?
>Might as well enjoy life while you still can.
 
>”...and here we have the Nurse Shark, which is a bottom-feeder, as opposed to being an active hunter like many of its cousins.”
>Sharks suck.
>Like, hardcore.
>Like Gilda.
>She sucks a lot too.
>Everything about this situation sucks.
>But at least the migraines are gone.
>”Hey, Sunset, toss me a bag, would ya?”
>Well, all but two.
>”Come ooooon, Sunny~”
“You guys have plenty of chips over there.”
>”But you have all the cool raaaaaanch~”
>You wind up a pitch and catch Anon right in his face.
>Derpy takes up the bag and mindlessly munches away.
>”Thaaanks, Sunny~”
>You want to smack her so badly, but lack the motivation to do so.
>”Hey, Sunny~”
“What.”
>”Do you think it'd be cool to be a shark?”
“I don't know.”
>”I think it'd be cool~”
“I don't care.”
>”If we get murdered by that Pimp Cane guy, we should totally reincarnate as sharks~”
“Stop talking.”
>Derpy and Anon look at each other, and smile at you.
>Suddenly, you hear the two of them slinking off the bed.
>And now they're humming, in sync.
>”dununun~”
>Sliding across the floor, like a snake.
>”dununun~”
>Circling around you.
>”DununuNununNunununuNANANA!”
>You lean back as they jump onto the couch and bonk heads.
>The room is in complete silence, until they start to snicker.
>Then they burst out into energetic giggling.
>You are actually surrounded by hysterical idiots.
>You can actually say that, and it's a fact this time.
>And yes, they're idiots.
>Because only they could act like sharks and slink around a room when they're in mortal danger.
>Even Snips and Snails wouldn't be this nonchalant about death.
 
24/50
 
>”Hey, Shimmy~”
>If you pretend they don't exist, maybe they'll think your heart stopped and you died.
>”I got a question for you~”
>If you pretend enough, maybe you can die.
>”Don't be such an ice queen, Shimmy~”
“What the hell do you want?”
>”I just need to know: if we go find some hotdogs, can we use your hair for condiments?”
>And the laughter resumes.
>Yeah, you're going to go kick Gilda's ass now.
>You leave the shark pod to their own devices and grab the bible out of the drawer.
>With righteous indignation, you smack Featherhead awake in a single stroke.
>”Dammit, Ketchup, I thought we were cool now.”
“No, we are not cool. We haven't been cool since you stole my car. But, I could have overlooked that, had you not done -that-.
>You point towards the laugh attack pack and scowl.
“You somehow made them WORSE. I don't understand it, but you did. They've formed a mass of stupidity so dense that I lose braincells by just being near them.”
>”Hey, you gotta share the green with your buddies.”
“Let's set something straight, Gilda. You and me are not buddies, in any sense of the word. Your tomfoolery has cost me, dearly. I have no need for buddies, much less ones like you.”
>Gilda sits up and looks at you straight in the eye.
>”Are you looking to start something, Ketchup?”
>You kick your boots off, and tightly grip the bible.
“I'm not starting anything, Featherhead. I'm merely finishing what you started.”
>Gilda smirks and gets out of the bed.
>As she stretches out to full length, she cracks every one of her joints and smiles at you.
>”You sure you want to do this, Ketchup.”
>You solemnly stare at her, attempting to ignore the massive difference in body mass and height.
“I will not back down from you.”
>”Last chance to call it off.”
“No need. You're not going to win.”
 
25/50
 
>Gilda shrugs at you and balls up her fists.
>Looks like it's time to duel.
>Gilda throws in the first swing, and misses by a small margin.
>With the small gap in time, you rear your leg back and get a good angle.
>Letting loose all your suppressed rage, you throw every ounce of hate into that one kick.
>The wide stance just makes it easier.
>You can feel the utter look of pain from everyone in the room, even without looking at them.
>Let it never be said that you have any honor.
>Soon, Gilda falls to her knees as she grasps at the shattered remains of her taco.
>Perfect timing.
>You take advantage of the decrease in height to reach into her shirt, and grab on for dear life.
>The pain is evident in her face as you twist her nipples enough to wring milk out of them.
>She goes further down, wracked with too much pain for her to move.
>You grab a hold of her by the hair, and use all your strength to shift her to the bathroom.
>The door is no match for your foot, as you kick it open and drag her in.
>You decide to coronate Gilda as Bitch-queen, and baptize her in the porcelain throne.
>The flushes keep coming, until the smell of Axe is gone.
>As her head lies on the ground, you take a single swing, and bring down the weight of the Lord.
>Dingdingding.
>Gilda's out.
>You drop the book, tip your katana, and wipe off your hands, because you cut them pretty bad on all that edge.
>Derpy and Anon stare at you with shock.
>”Whoa. That was a bit harsh, Shimmy.”
>You walk up to Anon and grab him by his collar.
“Anon, she, like you, was a massive pain in my ass.”
>With his collar in hand, you drag him onto the bed, and smile as he lands with a pomf.
>”Waah, what are we gonna do on the bed, Shimmy?”
“You know exactly where this is going to go, Anon.”
>Tossing aside your clothes, you turn over to Derpy, red as a beet in her face.
“Don't you judge me, Wall-eye.”
>You turn back to Anon and smile.
“It's about time /I/ do some fucking around~”
 
26/50
 
>*beep*
>*beep*
“Grr, someone shut that off...”
>Someone hits the button, and holy silence fills the room again.
>You shift around, trying to find the sweet spot to this bed.
>Your ministrations eventually land your leg on somebody.
>”Watch those legs, Shimmy.”
>Hold on, did you just hit Anon, in your bed.
>Turning around, you see him in the bed.
“Anon, what are you doing in my bed?”
>”I don't know, why don't you tell me, Sunbuns~”
>Anon cocks his eyebrow and blows you a kiss.
>You sit up, looking around the room.
>Your clothes are everywhere.
>Except on you.
“No, just...no way.”
>”Yes way, Shimmy~”
“Nononononono, that was not real! That was a dream!”
>”I'm glad it was good for you too, Shimmy~”
“There was no way that happened! W-where's Gilda?!”
>”Hey, is anyone gonna use the shampoo? I'd feel bad for using it all.”
>”Nah; it's okay, Derps.”
“WHERE'S GILDA!?”
>”You should know, after what you did to her.”
>You put your pillow over your head, and lie in your shame.
“I can't believe I did that. I can't believe WE did that. Oh, I'm gonna be sick...”
>”Aw, but you were so much more fun last night, Shimmy! You got really fun once you got a different stick up your ass~”
“Get out of my bed, Anon.”
>Your biggest mistake yet snakes out of the bed, snickering the whole damn way as he goes out the door.
>”There's a continental breakfast downstairs. Course, you might not be hungry after all that sausage~”
“GET OUT.”
>Anon just moonwalks off as he closes the door, and you just stay in bed and hope you wake up from this nightmare soon.
>Derpy emerges from the bathroom, toweled up and smirking.
>”It really sounded like you had fun last night, Sunset.”
“I am not above beating the disabled, Wall-eye.”
>”By the way, don't worry about the bottle. I figured something out.”
>She smirks as she grabs the remote, no doubt to watch more Shark Week.
 
27/50
 
>The television crackles, and turns straight to infomercials.
>"Aaaw, lame. I want more sharks."
>You just attempt to fall back asleep, but you here something oddly familiar.
>"So, come on down to Iron Will's Iron Gym! Where your pain, means more gains!"
>You chuck the pillow, catching a fleeting glimpse of this Iron Will, before the picture changes to what you believe is a shark's ass.
"Was that Pimp Cane?"
>Derpy shakes her head at you as she tries to act disappointed.
>”The commercial obviously said 'Iron Will's Iron Gym'. Where would you even get an idea like that?”
>Oh god, the stupidity just got worse.
>You can't even tell if she's being facetious or not.
>”AAAAAAH, IT BURNS!”
>And it sounds like Queenie's awake now.
>The sound of rushing water fills the room, and Derpy is trying her hardest not to laugh.
>”Ah, it's good to know that you're cleaning up your act, Gilda.”
>”Who even does this! Jesus Christ, it's everywhere!”
>Oh god, she didn't.
>”Look at the bright side; your ass will have some luxurious locks.”
>She did.
>Derpy loses it, and you do too.
>For once, she's done something that's actually funny.
>You give her a thumbs-up as you try to keep from laughing too hard.
>Don't want another headache.
>”How could you do this, Ketchup? I swear, I'm gonna get you back for this!”
>Derpy grins as she watches her show.
>She's actually going to let you take the fall for this one.
>Not that you mind, because you should have thought about doing that while you were in there.
>”Do you have any idea how much this burns?!”
>After what you did, you'd think she'd take this better than that.
>The door creaks open, as Anon comes back in.
>”The continental breakfast sucked. They didn't even have real bacon. Just some lame turkey bacon.”
>”When I'm done in here, I'm going to shove this conditioner up your ass, and see how YOU like it!”
>Anon snickers as he gathers up the bag from the floor and produces a box of cereal.
 
28/50
 
>Looks more like multi-color paint flakes to you, though.
>Anon takes up residence on Derpy's bed, and they both share the paint.
>”Pebbles and Television: the breakfast of champions.”
“How can you two possibly eat that? It's just sugar and food dye.”
>”Don't hate on our fruity cereal, you cocoa-munching heretic.”
>Anon and Derpy high-five while you groan again.
>Looks like it's back to business as usual.
>The other door creaks open, and you see a less-feathery Gilda.
>”Alright, it's time for round two, Ketchup.”
“Please, not now.”
>”Uh-uh. We're doing this Ketchup. We're making this happen.”
>You sigh and get off the bed, walking up to her without any fear.
>She looks down and is surprised by your complete nudity.
>”G-geez, put some clothes on, Ketchup!”
“You're one to talk, Ms. Nopants.”
>”And what happened to your rack? I thought it was bigger than that.”
>”Me too, but what are ya gonna do?”
>Taking advantage of your foe's weakness, you make an opportunity attack.
>Nat 20.
>Right in the gut.
>Gilda keels over, the wind knocked out of her.
>”Ngggh, no fair! I wasn't ready...”
>And she's out again.
>”Well, that didn't last long.
>This is more sad than comforting.
>You'd think someone like her would know how to take a punch.
>Whatever.
>This whole thing is a waste of time.
>You start to gather up your clothes and redress.
“Hey, start getting dressed, you two. We're gonna split once Featherhead gets back up.”
>”But Shark Week!”
“Have you both forgotten that we're still probably being hunted by that freak?”
>”Well, really it's just you and Gilda being hunted. We're kinda along for the ride at this point, Sunset.”
“So, neither of you are concerned about the possibility of me dying?”
>”You need to relaaaaaax, Shimmy.”
“I've done enough of that to last me until I die. Which might be soon, by the way.”
 
29/50
 
>"You'll be fiiiine~"
"This is an actual life-or-death situation. MY life, here. At stake."
>"Didn't you say you hated your life here, Shimmy?"
"That doesn't mean I want to get beaten to death by that roided-out freak!"
>"Sheesh; make up your mind once in a while, Sunset."
"...I'm going to get in the car, away from you two. I can feel my brain tearing itself apart."
>You put one foot in front of the other and slam the door behind you.
>Perhaps one of these days, they'll get too stupid and forget how to breath.
>”...Should we tell her that she forgot to put on her skirt?”
>”Nah, Shimmy'll figure it out when she hits the lobby.”
 
>The jumping of the car wakes you out of a sleep you didn't even know you were in.
>”Hey, Sleeping Beauty's up.”
>You turn and see Gilda, back to her usual hairstyle.
>Must have found some hair gel.
“How long have I been out?”
>”How long does it take to get from Las Pegasus from Canterlot?”
“Wait, what?”
>Outside the window, nothing but cacti and tumbleweeds as far as you can see.
“We're in the middle of the desert?!”
>”Calm down, Shimmy. It's part of the plan.”
>Oh, no fucking way.
>They've concocted some hare-brained scheme without you around to veto their idiocy.
>And you're halfway through the fucking highway.
“Please tell me that this is a terrible, terrible dream, and that I'm going to wake-up soon.”
>”Sorry, Ketchup, but we're already here. There's nothing left to do but enjoy the ride.”
>You bang your head on the window, hoping that the repeated trauma might knock you out.
>”Don't worry, Shimmy; this plan can't fail.”
>With nothing left to do, you sigh and surrender yourself to the impending failure that's most likely going to get you killed.
“And what, pray tell, does this plan involve?”
 
30/50
 
>"So, I got in contact with someone, and I'm gonna pass them off the incriminating evidence once we get to Las Pegasus."
"Evidence? What evidence? And who are we even going to see?"
>"Shhhhhh. Don't interrupt my debriefing. Anyway, once we get there, and get this all sorted out, we're going to have Pimp Cane by the balls and get out of this with our asses intact.”
“So, we're meeting with a mystery man to get ourselves out of this jam, with no knowledge of who he is?”
>”Pfft, yeah right. I know this guy. I babysit his daughter on occasion.”
>Gilda?
>Babysitting?
>That's a job you never expected her to have.
>”All in all, it's a pretty solid plan...unless we get caught.”
“And what are the chances of that happening?”
>”Pretty high, but I don't aim to get caught.”
“This sure inspires me to have confidence in your plan.”
>”Come on, Shimmy; we can totally do this.”
“Anon, it's not YOUR life on the line! I'm the one who's fucked, literally and figuratively, up the ass if this fails.”
>”You make setting up those jokes too easy, Shimmy. It ruins the fun.”
“I don't care about your 'fun'. I care about getting out of this mess that SHE put me in!”
>”Hey, I know what to do to make this fun!”
>You hear a few clicks and some static, as Anon messes up your stations.
>http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qKggnBh2Mdw [Embed]
>”Sing-along!”
>Sweet Celestia, no.
>”Yeah, That's what I'm talking about, Stringbean!”
>This can't be happening.
>”Oh, I love this song!”
>Of all the people you could have been cursed to know, it was these three.
>”GET READY FOR SOME TUNES, SUNSET SHIMMER!”
>Damn you, Twilight Sparkle.
>Damn you.
 
31/50
 
>Anon's the first to chime in on this excruciating torture.
>”Livin' easy; lovin' free! Season ticket on a one-way ride~”
>Nothing you've done in your life can be justification for this.
>Wall-eye comes in, with the biggest shit-eating grin you've seen on her face.
>”Askin' nothin; Leave me be! Takin' everything in my stride~”
>Even the murders you've committed in your pursuit of power cannot absolve these people of their warcrime.
>”Don't need reason; Don't need rhyme! Ain't nothing I'd rather do~”
>Featherhead's headbanging rocks the entire car, as she warms up her voice.
>”Goin' down! Party time~”
>Did you genocide kittens in a past life?
>Or invent country music?
>”My friends are gonna be there too!!!”
>The trilling trio all inhale 'til they can't breath in anymore.
>You cover your ears and brace for high-octave musical violence.
>”WE”RE ON THE HIGHWAY TO HELL~
>Not even Advil could save you this time.
>”ON THE HIGHWAY TO HELL~”
>The gun is in the trunk.
>”HIGHWAY TO HELL~”
>If you remembered where the release was for the backseat, you could end this all.
>No one would judge you.
>”WE'RE ON THE HIGHWAY TO HELL!!!”
>You slink down into the seat and stare at the vast sandy nothingness.
>It's going to be a long drive.
 
32/50
 
>"What is love? Baby don't hurt me. Don't hurt me, no mo- oh hey, we're here."
>You wipe away the giant cloud of smoke from your bloodshot eyes.
>It's true.
>The giant lights, huge towering buildings, prostitutes and tourists littering the streets and ATMs, errywhere.
>This might just be the cigarette talking, but damn is this place beautiful.
>An oasis in the unforgiving desert.
>A-
>”Hey, Ketchup, I'm using your phone.”
“Hey, No! I don't have that many minutes on there!”
>Gilda pins your unfocused arms away from her as she dials up a storm.
>”Come on, pickuppickuppickuppickuppickuppic-Hey, how are you, little buddy? Your dad around? He's not? He went to go take care of business? Do you know where? Really? How close is that from the...Griffon Castle Casino? That far!? Damn, I can't believe we're still that far away. Okay, thanks for your help, kiddo. Don't worry, I'll go visit you soon. Okay, I gotta go, kid...alright, but I gotta go now. Thanks. Bye.”
>Gilda lets go of you and hands you back your phone.
>”See? Told you it wouldn't be that long.”
>You scowl at her as you pocket your phone and light a fresh cigarette.
>”So, where do we go from here?”
>”We gotta go to the giant dragon statue in Little Trottingham, drive towards Stalliongrad Slots, make a left turn at Albuquerque and head down ten blocks to get to the Lucky Mare. Sound like you can do that?”
>”Can do.”
>You slam into the window lever again as Anon swerves, and you swear you feel something rupture.
“Dammit, Anon, don't drive so hard!”
>Derpy turns around into the back seat with a puzzled look on her face.
>”Uh, what's up, blondie?”
>”I was wondering something. So, the guy's name is Pimp Cane, correct?”
>”Actually, his real name is Iron Will, but he prefers to be called Pimp Cane.”
“Told ya, Wall-eye.”
>”Don't pimps usually have a bunch of women?”
 
33/50
 
>"Yeah, but he's not really a pimp, per se. He runs a drug operation, and he's a former television personality. He also managed to worm his way into some old-money family of the Canterlot elite. And you know how people from the old-money feel about new-money. This could get him ostracized from the family, and ruin all of his connections, which is why he wants the pictures so badly."
“Pfft, those guys usually screw around with whatever tickles their fancy. Sounds like regular aristocracy to me.”
>”Maybe, if he wasn't slumming around with THIS!”
>Gilda removes the picture from her jacket pocket, and you all revile in disgust at it.
“Ugh, she's so ugly!”
>”And so young!”
>”Are you guys talking about Twist?”
“I wish. Look in the mirror.”
>Anon cries out in horror as he witnesses the picture.
>”I've heard of people fucking trees before, but not potatoes! Oh, I'm going to be sick.”
>Gilda chuckles and puts the picture away.
>”NOW you understand why he wants that picture back so badly.”
“What's wrong with him?! How can anyone want to have sex with that?! And why were you around taking pictures of it?”
>”W-well, uh, I-shut up! It's not important how I got the pictures! What's important is getting this over to Mr. Rich. Pimp Cane can't do anything to us when we do that. He'd never risk it. A former television celebrity accused of having sex with a child with down syndrome? They'd hang him before he ever made it to court.”
>The car slowly decelerates and shifts into the nearest alleyway.
>”Whoa, whoa, whoa; what the hell are you doing, Stringbean? We haven't even gotten into Little Trottingham yet!”
>Anon shuts off the car and stares intently at the mirror, and you look behind you as well.
“What are you looking at, Anon?”
>A yellow vehicle comes slowly behind you, carrying a familiar rack on the roof.
>Gilda starts shaking like a leaf in a huricane.
>”Oh shit.”
 
34/50
 
>Everyone unbuckles their seatbelts, hands on the door.
>Even as high as you are, you can feel the tension of the situation.
>Your collective hearts race as the seconds go by.
>And you all exhale as the vehicle rolls on by, none the wiser to your location.
>”Good eyes, Stringbean. Now, start this bitch up and we can get out before he ever spots us.”
>You all sit there in silence, as the car sits like a brick.
>”Uh, Shimmy?”
>No, this is a joke.
>After all the shit he's done, this is definitely a joke on his part.
“Hahaha, very funny, Mr. Comedy. Now, start the car and get out of town.”
>”...I can't.”
>”That's not funny, Anon. Start the damn car!”
>”Well, I would, but it looks like the battery is dead.
>”...”
>”...”
“...”
>”...yeah, we're hoofing it from here.”
 
>”How much longer do we have to waaalk?”
>”We got 50 blocks, Blondie.”
>Everyone groans at the revelation.
>”Hey! We made it here in one piece and avoided Pimp Cane. I'm chalking that as a victory.”
“Sure doesn't feel like a victory.”
>”Look; we'll get there quicker on foot. We can just cut through the casinos without needing to drive around. It's much easier this way.”
>”Says the person not carrying the bag of supplies.”
“No one made you carry it, Anon.”
>”So I was supposed to leave it in the car, where anyone could come up and steal me Lucky Charms out of the trunk? I think not.”
“I left my car back there, Anon.”
>”Yeah, but you have car insurance. You can't insure cereal. It's not a good business model. I've tried it.”
>”Alright, everyone shut up for a moment.”
>You all stop in your tracks as Gilda leans over to read a sign.
>”Hmm...okay, follow me.”
>Gilda picks up her feet and runs deeper into the plaza, before coming to a giant doorway, laden with marble.
>”Well, here we are.”
“Feels a bit short for 50 blocks...”
>Gilda pushes into the door and disappears.
 
35/50
 
>You step in after her, and are blinded by the extremely white interior.
>”Welcome to Chez Gourmet, guys.”
>Wait, what?
“Hold the phone. You lead us into a RESTAURANT?”
>”Not just any restaurant. This is, like, the best place in the whole city to eat.”
“NO! We're not going to stop just to eat something! We're not even dressed for this!”
>”I am.”
“You wear suits too much. That's your casualwear, now.”
>”Aw.”
>”Come on; loosen up a bit, Ketchup.”
“Why should we stop in the middle of what we're doing, even though we're about to accomplish our goal of getting this guy off our ass?”
>”I'll pay for the whole thing.”
 
“Waiter! Where are my damn breadsticks!”
>Best place to eat, your ass.
>10 minutes without a refill on your breadsticks.
>And this place is half empty.
>What kind of customer service is this.
>”Calm your ass down, Ketchup. Seriously, who stuck a stick up your ass.”
>”I believe that was my doOOF.”
>You shake out your hand and glare at the waiter over by the door.
>What the fuck is he even doing, just standing there?
>Is he just playing Farmville or something?
>Oh, now he gets it into his mind to come back over here.
>Finally.
>”Has the party decided what to order?”
>”Yeah, we got it worked out. I'll have the Filet Mignon.”
>”I'll have the Escargot.”
“Vichyssoise for me.”
>”You guys got spaghetti, right?”
>The restaurant stops and stares directly at Anon.
>”...I can't read anything else on the menu!”
>Leave it to Anon to order the least fancy dish on the menu.
>The waiter moonwalks to the kitchen, shaking his head in disapproval all the way there.
“Good job, Anon. Now everyone knows we definitely don't belong in here.”
>”I don't speak spanish!”
>Hello, migraine!
>Was your trip to Prague nice?
>So glad to see you're back.
 
36/50
 
>Tick-tock-tick-tock.
>So much time between your order and the food.
>And you still haven't gotten your damn breadstick refill.
>How is it that everyone else in this place has gotten their meals, but you've been here for nearly an hour with nothing?
>”I hope they don't skimp on the sauce, here.”
>...That's probably why.
>”Hey, Sunset?”
“What, Wall-eye?”
>”We've been running around for about 2 days now. Don't you have to go back for community service?”
“No. That's a once a week thing.”
>”How about your job at the mall, Shimmy.”
“...Dammit. I knew I was forgetting something. Working at the hotdog stand blew, anyway.”
>”Did you get your hair dyed for that job, Ketchup?”
>When your soup finally gets here, you're going to drown her in it.
>”Hot plates; coming through.”
>Speak of the devil.
>”Now that's what I call spaghetti.”
>It seems that everyone's dishes are here.
>Derpy's steak, Gilda's snails, Anon's spaghetti...where the fuck is your soup?
“Hey, Waiter, where is my soup?”
>”Gustav will be out with your soup in a moment, madame.”
>You see the kitchen doors swing open, and a grey-haired man steps out.
>With a bowl.
>Must be your order.
>All seems to be well, until the chef steps on a glob of red sauce on the floor.
>He falls on his face and the dish sails through the air.
>It's coming straight at the table.
>And now you.
>You're boxed in between Anon and the wall.
>No way out.
>You brace yourself as the soup falls from the bowl, onto your head and down your back.
“Eeeew~”
>”O-our sincerest apologies, madame! Gustav, don't lay about! Get some towels for this young lady.”
“Dammit; I wanted to eat the food, not wear it!”
>”To be fair, Shimmy, you've had that food on your mind for quite a while.”
 
37/50
 
>It was bad enough being hungry before you got wet.
>The humiliation conga never stops, you guess.
>You remove your napkin from the table and wipe the majority of the cold soup from your head.
>At least the soup's been removed for the most part.
>Still have the hunger problem, though.
>A loud sound moves across the table to you.
>You stare down and see a large platter of spaghetti before you.
>”I figure, since you didn't get your soup, you'd like some of this. I figure I've got enough spaghetti to split between the two of us.”
>He's actually offering you part of his meal?
>As idiotic a person he is, you guess he's not a completely worthless person.
>At least you'll get to eat something.
>You take out your fork and twirl it in the pasta.
>Fresh spaghetti is somewhat better than cold soup.
>The rest of the group commences eating, and you gotta say that this is some nice food.
>Juvenile as hell to order in a fancy restaurant, but it tastes well enough.
>Your noodle continues on for a while, giving you the impression that this is one giant noodle.
>Lazy-ass chef.
>Eventually, it starts to come to a head.
>The noodle grows more taut as you suck it in.
>The tension starts to move your head towards the right, and you lock eyes with Anon.
>You brandish your fork and hold it close to him.
“Surrender the noodle or suffer the consequences.”
>He bites off his end, and you claim the rest of the noodle as your own.
>”You're a cold-hearted woman, Shimmy.”
“I don't care. Now let me enjoy this spaghetti in peace.”
>Gilda and Derpy smirk at the two of you, enjoying your antics.
>”You know, Ketchup; you don't have to threaten a guy to suck his noodle.”
“Oh, go soak your head.”
>*crash*
>”Hello, puny greeter! Don't have any hesitation; Pimp Cane is here for his reservation.”
>”Ah yes, Mr. Will. Right this way.”
>”...can't ever get anyone to call me Pimp Cane...”
>Where the hell does he keep coming from!?
 
38/50
 
>You duck under the table, hoping he hasn't spotted you.
>But, apparently Gilda is too consumed with her meal.
>Winding your arm back as far as it can go, you shoot another solid shot into her crotch.
>She's probably not having kids in the near future.
>With her keeling over on the table, you manage to pull her down under just in time.
>”What did I do that time?”
“You were too busy having a flavorgasm to notice HIM.”
>You point over towards the table in the center of the restaurant, Pimp Cane sitting at the head with some friends.
>”Uh-oh. We gotta split.”
“I know that!”
>”Then let's bolt!”
“Hold on, Gilda. I have a plan.”
>You slowly crawl over under Anon, and pop out of the table.
“psssst, anon!”
>He stares down at you and smirks.
>”In the middle of the restaurant? Quite bold.”
“this isn't about that, you idiot! look over there!”
>Anon looks over as you motion to the center table.
>”Ooooh. We need to get out of here.”
“Right, so, I need you to...what the hell are you doing?”
>”I'm not going to leave this place without my leftovers.”
“That's disgusting. Anyway, get under here.”
>You motion for Gilda and Anon to huddle together with you.
“Alright, now that we're here, give me you shoe coin, Anon.”
>”What? That's my lucky penny!”
>”Hey, why are you guys all under the table?”
>”Oh, there you are, Derpy. We're making a break for it.”
“Shut up, everyone! Anon, coin.”
>Anon reluctantly hands over the coin to you.
>You steady your aim, prime the coin, and take the shot.
>It lands directly onto the table, bouncing around enough to catch Pimp Cane's eye.
>”Oooh, a penny! Aw, a newly minted one! Sweet!”
“Gogogogogogogo.”
>Like a well-oiled machine, you work together in motion, crouched to avoid suspicion.
>Almost to the exit...
>So close...
>Right on the handle...
>*crash*
>The sound of broken porcelain fills the building, drawing everyone's eyes to you.
>”Oops; my bad...”
 
39/50
 
>”HEY, IT'S THE THIEF AND HER FRIENDS! GET THEM!”
>Def-con fucking 5!
>Bail!
>You all sprint out of the door, the thugs on your heels.
“What the hell did you guys do?”
>”Uh, I think I got too close and knocked over a vase...”
>”With that fine badonkadonk~”
“Not the time for that, Anon; and you, Wall-eye, have doomed us with that ass of yours!”
>”I can't help it if my booty breaks things! It is a destructive force that no one can control!”
>Your running partner starts to slow down, breathing heavily.
>”Oh, crap, this thing is hard to run with.”
“Then lighten the load!”
>”But muh lucky charms...”
>You slow down and open the bag, chucking every excess item you can see.
“Incoming!”
>Cereal boxes: Direct hit.
>Two enemies down.
>”Muh charms!!!”
>Marble jar: Indirect hit.
>One enemy down.
>”Muh marbles!!!”
>New Advil container: Indire-
“WAIT, NO!”
>”Now you know my pain.”
>Looks like the only one left is Pimp Cane.
>The gun is the only thing left.
>You draw the piece and aim directly at him.
“Take this, you son of a-”
>*thud*
>Note to self: Keep eyes focused in front of you.
>The daze from the impact gives you a much greater headache than you thought could happen.
>This may actually be a concussion.
>You feel yourself being dragged along, but the blood in your eyes keeps you from seeing clearly.
>Your ears pick up the sound of a door being slammed, and multiple thuds against it.
>Yeah, this is getting worse by the second.
>Something clammy and wet is rubbing on your face, clearing the blood from your eyes.
“This better not be what I think it is, Anon.”
>”Sorry; all I had was napkins and spaghetti in my pocket.”
 
40/50
 
>With the last of the blood gone, you can clearly see a few costumes and props.
>All fantasy-themed.
>You're backstage at a casino, aren't you?
>But these costumes give you an idea.
“Everyone, take off your clothes!”
>”...”
>”...”
>”...”
“Just do it!”
>”Did that impact knock some screws loose, Shimmy?”
“TAKE OFF YOUR CLOTHES AND PUT ON COSTUMES!”
 
>”This thing's riding up my ass!”
>”This costume's too small~”
>”I feel sexier in this than I believe that I should.”
“Just shut up and follow my lead.”
>You gather your crew and assimilate into the hustle and bustle backstage.
>Pimp Cane and his men break through the door seconds after you blend into the crowd of workers.
>Gotta get out of this jam, somehow.
>They'll find you eventually.
>”Get me my wand! It's almost showtime!”
>You know that voice.
“Trixie?”
>”...Sunset Shimmer? Is that you?”
>You grab the idiot train and run towards the curtain.
“Look, Trixie, you're some sort of spellcaster or something, right?”
>”Of course! The Great and Powerful Trixie can use magics of all schools!”
“Good, because we need you to make us disappear.”
>”Fine, fine, but this is your favor! Trixie doesn't do freebies!”
>”That's not what the stall walls say...”
>”Don't cross a magic-user, Anon.”
>”Boss, I found them!”
“Oh shit, gogogo!”
>”Hold your horses!”
>The curtain rises, and you stare out at the crowd.
>They look quite confused.
>”Welcome to the Crystal Empire's Lovely Magic Show! Now watch in awe as I, The Great and Powerful Trixie, cause these legendary creatures of myth to DISAPPEAR!”
>You're starting to sweat as Pimp Cane and his friends get ever closer.
>”Abracazam and Hullabaloooo~ Make like a leaf, beasts, and SKIDOOOO!”
>A giant cloud of blue dust covers you all, and you manage to make it outside.
>RIGHT BACK TO THE FUCKING EXIT!
 
41/50
 
>Great and Powerful; more like worthless hack!
>”Whoa, she did it!”
>”That was awesome!
>Looks like she pleased the idiots, at least.
“Come on; let's go before they realize where we are.”
 
>”L-look! It's the Lucky Mare!”
>You gaze upon the distant establishment, and all its splendor.
>Which is to say, none.
>Thing looks like Applejack’s barn.
>But this nightmare is almost over.
>All your hard work; it was actually for something.
>”Come on! Let's get in there.”
>You all walk with a spring in your step, your goal finally at hand.
>Until you see lights coming from your peripheral vision.
>This is unreasonable.
“Everyone, bail!”
>The Hummerzine comes after you, with a vengeance.
>You're cut off from the Lucky Mare; only the alley can offer escape now.
>You zip through the alleys while knocking over trashcans and boxes, hoping you can make it out.
>Then, the unfortunate happens.
>A chainlink fence, too high to climb over before they make it to you.
“Guys, look for some way around this!”
>The group frantically searches the small alleyway, not finding a single break in the fence.
>”Hey, I found a grate!”
>Anon struggles to pry the escape's opening, and you rush in to help him.
>You put your back into it, and manage to pull off the guard.
>Wasting no time, you file into it first, coming into a storage room of some kind.
>Anon comes after you.
>So much for ladies first.
>You wait for the others, but they don't seem to be coming through.
“Hey, what's the hold-up?”
>”M-my butt! It's stuck! I can't get in any further!”
>Looks like that ass is more trouble than it's worth.
>”Hey, move, Blondie! They're gonna be here any second!”
>You hear the sound of struggle, as Gilda tries to push Derpy further in.
>Then the sound of footsteps.
>Oh, sounds like it's a fight, now.
>*CRACK*
>...That didn't sound good.
>You both crouch down to the hole, but see nothing but a bloodstain on the concrete.
>”They didn't make it...”
 
42/50
 
“Well, it's a good thing I managed to snag this when I had the chance, then.”
>You reach into your false cleavage, and reveal the evidence to him.
>”Dammit, don't show me that! Spaghetti doesn't taste good coming out the other way, Shimmy!”
>Good to see you finally found something to make HIM squirm, for once.
“Well, with this, we can finally get out of this mess once we get back to the Lucky Mare.”
>Anon crosses his arms and stares disapprovingly at you.
“What? I thought you'd be happy that I get to survive.”
>”Not at the expense of others. We have to go out and find them.”
“You want to go out and get killed trying to save Featherhead and Wall-eye?”
>”Not so much for Gilda, cuz she's a jerk, but definitely Derpy!”
“You saw that blood out there! She's already a goner.”
>”Not Derpy. She's got a skull thicker than her booty, and twice as dense. She'll still be around, I know it. She helped us both out, and we owe it to her to not to let her get murder-lated!”
>You stare at Anon and pout, knowing that he's set on this.
>Your rage at the unnecessary heroics you're going to perform and kick at the nearest cardboard box.
>It hurts a lot more than you expected.
“Gah, what's in these things!?”
>You tip over the box and hear the clatter of steel hitting the ground.
“Oh my...”
>Anon smiles a creepily-large grin at the recent discovery.
>”Shimmy...it's time for us to go...”
>You turn around to witness him pulling out a pair of sunglasses and put them on.
>”Beyond Edge.”
 
43/50
 
---
>”Sir, it looks like the ringleader is getting up.”
>As you open your eyes, you see a familiar figure towering over your.
”Uh, hey, buddy! How are you...?”
>”You know very well how Pimp Cane is doing...which is to say quite well, considering Pimp Cane just got it confirmed that the swelling in my prostate was a mild infection!”
“Oh, well, that's good news, ain't it?”
>”You're darn skippy it is! Now, what would make Pimp Cane be doing EXCELLENT...would be to knowing where that picture is.”
“Y-yeah, I bet it would.”
>”So, how's about you help Pimp Cane get what he wants?”
“Sorry, b-but I don't know what you mean.”
>”Oh, is that so?”
>Pimp Cane snaps his fingers, and a couple of his goons toss out a sack.
>He goes over to open it, and out pops Derpy from the bag.
“Dammit, Blondie, I thought you managed to crawl away!”
>”Well, you thought wrong! We snagged your little friend and you. Pimp Cane may not know where the rest of your friends are, but Pimp Cane plans on getting those two to join the party.”
>”So, why don't you make this easier on yourself and just tell Pimp Cane where the photo is?”
“Why don't you suck my dick, dweeb?”
>”...you know, Pimp Cane really regrets that you've decided to take this course of dialogue, because now Pimp Cane has to do something he really doesn't like to do.”
>Pimp Cane grabs a wooden box from inside of his gaudy coat's pocket, and produces a cigar.
>He lights it and takes a long drag.
>”Pimp Cane loves cigars. They really have a flavor that nothing else compares to. It's quite refreshing.”
>You watch in horror as Pimp Cane flips Derpy's skirt and rubs the cigar into her ass.
>Her screams are still loud enough for you to hear them through the gag.
>”Pimp Cane, however, doesn't like to do this to young ladies. Especially ones with the junk in the trunk that Pimp Cane so revels in admiring, but it doesn't have to be this way. Tell me where the photo is and she won't suffer."
 
44/50
 
>This dork is actually giving you an ultimatum.
>That delusional fuck thinks this is a movie or something.
>You scowl at him and grit your teeth.
>As much as it hurts you to see her get tortured, you know what's going to happen to you if you don't.
>Derpy, however, gives you a very sad look.
>Those eyes are too sad for you to want to ignore.
>Looks like your going to end up sacrificing your shot at freedom to save her.
>Damn you, empathy.
>You finally turned out to be the thing that ends this.
“...Fine. You win. The damn thing you want so badly is in my jacket. Untie my wrists and I'll get it for you.”
>”Nice try, but we searched every inch of you for that photo while you were unconscious. By the way, you should stop using jackhammers to get off. The swelling you have there is brutal.”
“It's in a HIDDEN pocket, you donut. It's sewn into the place where the griffon patch is on my back. That's probably why you missed the damn thing.”
>”Oh-ho-ho! You are a clever girl! Pimp Cane likes that in a woman. If it weren't for the fact that Pimp Cane is going to have you ground up into food filler for trying to get away with that, Pimp Cane would be making you a worker for Pimp Cane's upcoming brothel, 'Pimp Cane's Exotic Massage and Gyro Parlor'. Because, let's face it, you're gonna want something to eat after you get through boning someone for about an hour. I guess this one will have to do. She's got a rockin' enough body, that's for sure.”
>Even just being informed that she's about to be turned into a whore-slave for this guy, she still blushes at the compliment.
>She's too cute for words.
>Damn you, maternal instincts; y u do dis?
>Pimp Cane reaches into your back, and you feel his hand go into the pocket.
>But he frowns as he pulls out an empty hand from the pocket.
>”You think this is a joke?”
 
45/50
 
>You see stars as you get struck across the face by his meaty fist.
>”Pimp Cane doesn't like to be made a fool of!”
>More blows come at you, and you start to hear sloshing.
>It's looking like this is going south.
>”Pimp Cane will not tolerate being lied to!”
“I-it was in there! I don't know what happened to it!”
>”You think Pimp Cane will believe that? Pimp Cane knows when he's being gamed! Pimp Cane knows you're a lying thief that would do anything to save her skin. Pimp Cane-”
“Pimp Cane needs to stop talking in the third fucking person.”
>He snorts at you, and you swear you can see steam coming out of his nostrils.
>”Pimp Cane has had enough of your sass.”
>He takes out a set of brass knuckles, and puts them on.
>”This is going to hurt you more than it hurts Pimp Cane.”
>You steel yourself for the imminent beating, until a sound comes from the front of the vehicle.
>Everyone focuses on the rapping sound.
>Muffled talking comes from the front seat, followed by a loud squish.
>And now screaming.
>Was this car flipping before?
>Probably not.
>You and most everyone scream as the vehicle soars majestically through the air.
>The vehicle lands upright, but crunches in the middle as it hits a pole.
>Looks like everyone is still dazed from the impact, but you.
>You maneuver your hands and find purchase on the handle, getting it open.
>Derpy crawls over towards you, and you grab hold of her bindings and drag the both of you out.
>A roaring engine and a blinding light speed towards you.
>It comes to a stop right next to you, and you gaze in amazement at the visage.
>A man dressed in platemail armor, atop a...motor trike?
”Who are you?”
>The man flips over his helmet visor and you see a friendly face again.
>”I'm your white knight, baby~”
 
46/50
 
>Another person gets out of the sidecar, and unsheathes what you believe to be a shortsword.
>”Stay still so I don't fucking cut you.”
>Sunset Shimmer is actually here, helping, and not saving her own skin?
>What bizarro world is this?
>She actually makes good progress on the ropes, freeing both you and Derpy in under a minute.
>”Now get the fuck in!”
>You grab onto the back of Anon's armor and help put Derpy in the sidecar.
>”This is a bit cramped, Sunset~”
>”Deal with it unless you want to walk, Wall-eye.”
>”Hang onto your butts, ladies!”
>Anon peels the fuck outta there, and you all sigh a collective breath of relief.
>”I'm glad we managed to find you before something happened. If he wasn't driving around with that rack on his car, we might not have been able to differentiate you from the other douches driving those.”
>You smile with a glimmer of hope on your face, but then reality comes crashing down on you.
“But we've got a problem.”
>”Problem?”
“I...I think I lost the photo when we changed into the costumes. I'm sorry, guys.”
>”No you didn't. I stole it from you.”
>You look at Sunset with a fury in your eyes.
“You self-concerned, egotistical, megalomaniacal bitch! I almost DIED because of you!”
>”Then we're even.”
>You're about to continue your tirade, but a familiar horn sends a chill through your spine.
“HOW! HE SHOULD BE FUCKING STUCK THERE OR SOMETHING!”
>”Looks like we need to lose them. Shimmy; activate it.”
>You watch Sunset Shimmer pull out a crossbow from the pack and fire it at the tires of the vehichle.
>But she cannot aim for shit.
>You bolster your grip on Anon with one arm, and rip the weapon from her hand.
“Lrn2sht, scrub.”
>Your archery lessons pay off as you make direct contact with the tire.
>But the damn bolt doesn't even make a dent.
“The rubber's too thick!”
>Sunset grabs out a sword, and hands it to you.
>”Aim for the driver!”
>You line up your toss, and throw.
 
47/50
 
>The obstruction gives you enough of an advantage, however, and you manage to outmaneuver the visually impaired driver.
>Anon turns a hard right into a plaza, heading right for the monument models.
>“Anon, get out of here! People are gonna get hurt!”
>”I got a plan, Derps, so don't worry.”
>That's your cue to worry.
>The trike speeds up as you head straight for the recreation of the Great Pyramid.
“FUCKING NO! DON'T EVEN TRY IT, STRINGBEAN!”
>”Don't you know, Gilda?”
>Anon hits it hard, and the trike lifts off the ground as it sails into the air.
>”Ya gotta go fast!”
>You all scream as Anon's trick sends you clear over the rest of the plaza, and slams you all hard as the trike lands.
>The Hummerzine is even closer now, thanks to that stunt he pulled.
“They're catching up to us, now! Good going, dweeb!”
>”Maybe so, but we looked cool and that counts for something.”
>You groan.
>”Welcome to my world, Gilda.”
>Anon moves the trike through the streets and casinos like he's playing Tron.
“You know where you're going?”
>”Why don't you tell me?”
>The trike turns right one more time, and you see it.
>He actually managed to get to the Lucky Mare.
“Nice job, Stringbean. Maybe you aren't such a dweeb after all.”
>Everyone starts to cheer, but the celebration is cut short.
>With a sword.
>The trike starts to swerve out of control as the back tire goes flat, causing the thing to flip.
>As it comes down, you see Anon and Shimmer on the ground near you, but no sign of Derpy.
>*CRACK*
>Oh, there she is.
>The Hummerzine is heading your way, even faster than before.
>You try to crawl out, but you're pinned under the damn trike.
“Get on out of here, guys! They'll be on us in no time.”
>”We're not leaving you, Gilda. Shimmy and I are right here for you. Right, Shimmy?”
>The sound of boots storming off tells you exactly how much help she's going to be.
 
48/50
 
>The Hummerzine stops, and out pops Pimp Cane and 3 of his thugs.
>Anon and you versus these four.
>Yeah, you're gonna get shitcanned.
>”Looks like your luck finally ran out, bitch. Now, Pimp Cane is going to show you two who the boss is, right here and now.”
>”Not so fast, 'Pimp Cane'.”
>You look back at Sunset, wide-stanced with the gun.
>She's such a flip-flop.
>”Maybe you have forgotten, but we happen to have the one thing your group seems to be lacking. Now, how about you all get on your hands and knees before I fire this thing.”
>”Oh, please. Pimp Cane knows a little lady like you doesn't have the balls to do it.”
>”That a fact, asshole?”
>She pulls the trigger, hearing a click.
>And many more as she tries to fire off the gun, without firing a single shot.
>”What the fuck!? Anon, this thing is worthless!”
>She lobs the gun into the middle of the confrontation, falling short of hitting anyone.
>And then the gun goes off again.
>And again.
>Multiple shots ring out as the gun fires off, hitting Pimp Cane's goons in various areas and Anon.
>His shot gets ricocheted though, and you hear a string of curses and screaming coming from Sunset's vulgar mouth.
>”What are the chances it lands in my KIDNEY!?”
>She joins the thugs on the ground, clenching the wound in her body.
>It's funny in a cosmic way.
>Pimp Cane walks over to the Hummerzine and pulls out the sword from the windshield.
>”Looks like it's just us, tin-man. Time to finish this business.”
>Anon flips his visor back down, and shakes the remnants of tomato sauce from his gauntlets.
>”Gilda, get the bag.”
>You look at the bag, about 10 feet from you.
“That's a pretty tall order!”
>”Try!”
>With as much strength as you can muster, you attempt to worm your way from the overturned wreck.
>You pop one arm free, and use it to dislocate your other shoulder.
>It doesn't hurt, though.
>Oh shit, you're in shock.
>This is no bueno.
 
49/50
 
>You crawl out as far as you can and try to stand, but fall down.
>Looking back, you notice lefty is bending in the middle.
>This is bad.
>As fast as you can, you snake towards the bag and rummage inside of it, gripping onto the shortsword and... shield?
>You grab the shield and turn over to aim for Anon.
>Oh, he is getting the shit beat out of him.
“Anon, catch!”
>The shield catches some nice air, and lands right on his arm.
>Pimp Cane's blow with the sword is completely ineffective.
>Anon starts to take the offensive, trading blows with Pimp Cane.
>He's actually holding his own!
“Go, Stringbean! You can do it!”
>The fight starts to go in Anon's favor, as he gets in a few good hooks on Pimp Cane's face.
>He could win this thing if he had another thing to fight with besides his fist.
>You drag the bag closer, kneel as best as you can, and chuck the shortsword.
>They both see the incoming object and move out of the way as it enters their danger zone.
>Anon dives for the sword and grabs it successfully.
>He presses an even harder offensive strategy and starts to cut into Pimp Cane's body, forcing him onto a knee.
>It's actually pretty hot...
>Your heart sinks, however, as you watch him retrieve his knuckles and slip them on.
>Anon doesn't notice and goes in for the kill.
“IT'S A TRAP!”
>He can't stop in time with his momentum and takes the knuckles to the helmet.
>His weapons go flying along with his body, and he falls to the ground defeated.
>Pimp Cane plants his boot on him, keeping him pinned like a turtle.
>”Good game, little man, but as hard as you try, Pimp Cane's skills cannot be denied.”
>He looms the sword over his vulnerable neck and smiles.
>A whistle comes back from near where Derpy landed, and Pimp Cane stops dead in his tracks.
>Holy shit, the cavalry actually came.
>”Hello, Iron Will. What a pleasant surprise, meeting you here.”
>”This is none of you concern, 'Filthy', so stay out of it.”
>”Oh, but it is now.”
>Mr. Rich brings Derpy in front of him, and pats her on the head.
>”This charming young lady brought something very interesting to my attention. I do believe you and I should go discuss this matter in a much more...calm setting. So, just put the sword down and come with us.”
>Pimp Cane drops the sword and reluctantly moves away from Anon.
>”That's better, Mr. Will. Get used to observing my orders, because you're going to be doing a lot of that in the future.”
>He snaps his fingers and a squad of his underlings fall in line.
>”Gentlemen, please make sure that these young ones have their wounds tended to at Las Pegasus General, immediately.”
>You and Anon trade looks and smile, glad that you've actually wo-
“OH, GOD FUCKING DAMMIT! MY LEG!”
>You maintain consciousness for about 5 seconds before you go under.
>At least you're alive.
50/50
 
Epilogue
 
>”Hey, Shimmy, wake up!”
“I never fell asleep, Anon.”
>”It looked like it.”
>You ignore him and enjoy the lack of migraines.
>That morphine is some good stuff.
>The car pulls to a stop, and Anon gets out.
>He walks over to your door and helps you up on your feet.
“You don't have to do this, you know. My kidney is fine.”
>”Yeah, but I'm glad to do it anyway.”
>You crack a small smile, and hope he doesn't notice.
>As you near the door, you pull out your keys to get in.
>Perception check (8): Passed.
>You note the door is slightly ajar.
>Pushing in further, you see the house is completely dark.
>Guess the locksmith just forgot to-
>”SURPRISE!”
>The room lights up as multiple people pop out to greet you.
>Derpy, Gilda, Trixie, Twilight's friends, the Mexican, Angel and...Diamond Tiara?
>Pinkie Pie pops in front of you, and grins like a madman.
>Here it comes...
>”OhmygoshwelcomehomeSunsetweheardthroughthegrapevineaboutthehospitalsowegottogetherandthrewyouapartyandeveryoneshowedupbecauseIsaidtherewouldbecakeandgamesandnowyouhavesomanyfriendswaituntilTwilighthearshowyoudiscoveredthemagicoffriendshipand-”
>You calmly walk to the center table and pick up a copy of Redeemed Villains Monthly, roll it up, and bop Pinkie.
>The whole party goes silent.
>You drop the magazine and stretch yourself out.
“Sorry, but she was getting through the morphine. Now, let's get this party started~”
>Everyone cheers and squished you into the middle of a group hug.
>You groan at the cheesiness of the situation, but Anon moves in and gives you a peck on the cheek.
>You crack a smile and join in on the hugging.
>Nothing wrong with a little friendship every now and then~
 
FIN