Title:           Thing
Author:          Swift_M0nkey
Pastebin link:   http://pastebin.com/bz1hyYT6
First Edit:      Thursday 9th of January 2014 10:37:15 PM CDT
Last Edit:       Last edit on: Friday 6th of February 2015 02:18:46 AM CDT

>As you lay on the couch looking through your mail, you get to the last envelope.
>Shit.
>You're dead broke, and it's time to pay the bills again.
>Got no job.
>No one wants to hire the monkey.
>The only one who cares about you even slightly is this mare named Coco.
>She moved here a few months ago.
>Her, and Pinkie Pie.
>But your relationship with Pinkie Pie is a bit...
>She bursts through the door with a strapon.
>"GUESS WHAT DAY IT IS?!"
>She pounces on you.
>"HUMP DAY!"
"PINKIE GET THE FUCK OFF OF ME!"
>You elbow her in the face and she falls onto her back, bouncing up and landing back on her hooves as if she took a bite of the Gum Gum Devil Fruit.
>"Okie dokie!"
>She pulls out a notepad and scribbles down on it.
>"So that's a big no-no to prostate stimulation..."
>You look at the notepad as she scribbles.
>She's just drawing a penis.
>No wait...
>A penis with a party hat.
>Fucking Pinkie.
>A light knock is heard and you look up to see Coco tapping her hoof on the door frame.
>"Hey... Am I interrupting?"
>You shake your head.
"Nah, come on in."
>She nods and then walks inside.
"So what's up Coco?"
>"I just wanted to uh, check up on a friend."
>She lightly blushes.
>Pinkie jumps up and down.
>"Oh! So did I!"
>She turns around and presents both of you her winking marepussy.
>Looking back over her shoulder, she asks, "Threesome?"
>Coco looks away as her face scrunches up and turns bright red.
>You shake your head.
"No Pinkie."
>"Awww..."
>She slams her fat pink ass down on the pile of mail you dropped.
>You swat at her.
"Hey! Get off that!"
>"Huh?"
"Get off my mail! You're gonna get it soaking wet in your vile juices!"
>She stands up and you grab the envelopes.
>All except for the one to pay your rent.
>Coco picks that one up.
>"Anon, you can't miss this bill. If you don't pay this one, you'll be evicted."
>Shit.
"Shit."
>Pinkie gasps.
>"We can't let you get evicted! Then you'd be homeless!"
>She grabs your hand with her left hoof and Coco's forleg with her right hoof.
>"Come on, we've got to talk to somepony about this!"
>She yanks both of you outside in a mad dash into the city.
>You yell at her as she increases to near Sanic speeds,
"PINKIE!"
>She slows down and looks at you.
>"What's up Nonny? Oh, you want to have sex with auntie Pinkie? Heheheh, just don't tell uncle Gummy..."
>Both you and Coco stand there staring at her.
>She returns the gaze with a confused look on her face.
>"What?"
"You are one FUCKED up horse."
>Coco nods.
"Anyway, how will we even know where to go?"
>"I know just where to go!"
 
>You're now at a bar.
"Pinkie, what the fuck are we doing here?"
>"We're gonna get drunk so we can have dirty drunk sex!"
>Her smile stretches wide.
>Coco shakes her head.
>"I-I'm not much of a d-drinker actually..."
>Pinkie slides a mug to her.
>"Come on, try it! It's the best cider in all of Equestria!"
>You look at Pinkie.
"Pinkie, she doesn't have to drink if she doesn't want to. It's not like-"
>The pink demon interrupts you by slamming a mug down in front of you.
>"I challenge you to a drink off, Anon!"
>...
>You stand in the bathroom looking at yourself in the mirror.
>Got a nice suit on.
>Looking real fucking sexy.
>Coco will totally want the D now.
>You stroll out of the bathroom like a badass.
>Then walk over to the dance floor.
>Coco is doing a light shuffle and you stand next to her.
"Hey beautiful. I've always admired you from afar, but never had the guts to ask you out."
>She looks disgusted and tells you to get away from her.
"Heh, alright."
>You turn around and start dancing with another mare.
*What actually happened*
>You stand in the bathroom looking at yourself in the mirror.
>Got some vomit on your shirt there.
>Smells fucking disgusting.
>There's no way you've got a chance with Coco.
>You stroll out of the bathroom, causing ponies to disperse from you just like you're a disgusting neckbeard.
>Then walk over to the dance floor.
>Coco is doing a light shuffle and you stand next to her, nearly falling over from how intoxicated you are.
"Hey bby... You wan sum fuck?"
>You vomit on yourself a little bit and then try to wink at her.
>She looks disgusted and tells you to get away.
"Y-You too."
>You shrug and turn around and start dancing with a stool.
>All three of you leave the bar and look around at each other.
"Well that didn't help a damn bit."
>Pinkie raises her hoof.
>"I have another idea!"
"If it has to do with hookers and cocaine, I don't want to hear it."
>She slowly lowers her hoof.
>Coco clears her throat.
>"Actually, I have the letter right here."
>She pulls it out.
>"Why don't we just go to the address on it?"
>Both you and Pinkie look at her.
"That's a great idea."
>Coco smiles.
>"Why thank you Anon."
>Your eyes lock with hers.
>You smile a little bit.
>She blushes lightly.
>Both of you start to lean in toward each other.
>Suddenly Pinkie's hoof shoots up between both of your faces.
>She waves her hoof and screams out, "TAXI!"
>Fucking Pinkie.
>The taxi carriage comes over and all three of you get in.
>You tell the driver to take you to the address on the letter and he nods.
>Now the three of you face each other in the carriage.
>Pinkie raises her eyebrows at you.
>"So... Ever tried fisting?"
"Have you ever tried this cool new thing called shutting the fuck up?"
>Coco just watches both of you as if this is normal behavior.
>"Nope! Is that a game? I LOVE games! How did you know I love games? Did you also know that I love you? Did you want to make out?"
"No, I don't want to make out."
>"Oh."
>She rolls her eyes and looks at Coco.
>"Looks like sooomepony is sending out mixed signals."
>She giggles to herself and then looks back at you.
>Coco lightly shakes her head.
"Pinkie."
>"Yes?"
"You are literally too stupid to insult."
>She smiles and her eyes water.
>"Awww... That's the nicest thing anypony has ever said about me!"
>She jumps on you, wrapping her hooves around your body in a bear hug.
>Why you?
>The taxi screeches to a halt.
>Or maybe that screech were the kids he just hit.
>You all step out and look under the wheels.
>The three fillies are bloodied and barely moving.
>One of them whispers something about getting a speedbump cutie mark.
>As the driver screams over the dying bodies of foals, the three of you walk to the town square building.
>When you enter, a pony is there at a desk.
>She speaks without looking up.
>"What do you want?"
"To speak with Mayor Mare."
>She presses a button and the doors to the right open to reveal stairs.
>"She's right up there."
"Thanks."
>The three of you walk up the stairs.
>Holy shit.
>It seems like that was the only part of the story that wasn't filled with insane bullshit, stupidity, or breaking the 4th wall...fuck.
>You enter the Mayor's office and she looks up from the stack of papers on her desk.
>She fakes a smile and points to the three chairs in front of her.
>"Come, have a seat."
>You sit in the middle one, Coco sits to your right, and you force Pinkie to sit to your left instead of on your lap.
"Alright Mayor Mare. I need to talk to you about my rent."
>She nods.
>"Of course, what would you like to say?"
"I can't afford it when no one in town will hire me."
>She puts a hoof to her chin.
>"Hmmm... So I've been billing you when you don't even have an income?"
>You nod.
>She smiles.
>"My deepest apologies Mr..."
"Anon."
>"Mr. Anon, I feel as though I should repay you. So how about I give you these three tickets to 'Disharmony on ice' ?"
>All of you look at each other and back to the three tickets.
 
>"Ladies and gentlecolts! Introducing, Disharmony on ice!"
>A tall pony in a Discord costume skates backwards across the ice rink.
>Coco is leaning against your arm.
>Pinkie is trying to do the same with your other one, but you repeatedly punch her in the snout so she can't.
>You adjust your Discord fanboy hat so that it shows the same side as your Discord shirt.
"Wait..."
>Pinkie and Coco look at you.
"I think that was a bribe!"
>Coco nods.
>"Yeah, it was!"
>All of you stand up and leave the stadium.
 
>Bursting through the doors to Mayor Mare's office once again, you slam your ass down on the middle chair.
"That was a trick!"
>Coco and Pinkie both nod.
>Mayor Mare nods as well.
>"I'm truly sorry for doing that to you. I feel as though I should repay you for bribing you."
>She holds up three tickets.
>"Three tickets to the best rooms on the most amazingly luxurious cruise in Equestria, on the Canterlot Zeppelin."
 
"Holy fuck, the view from up here is amazing."
>Coco agrees.
>"Yeah, it really is."
>Pinkie nudges you with her hoof.
>"Isn't this just the same as before?"
>You pause for a few seconds.
"Son of a bit-"
 
>You kick open the doors to the Mayor Mare's office for a third time.
"ALRIGHT ENOUGH WITH THE BRIBES. I DON'T WANT YOUR FUCKING TICKETS."
>She puts her hooves into the air in defense.
>"Anonymous, I mean you no harm. Now, what was your claim?"
"I can't afford to pay the bills you're sending me, and it's not my fault."
>"Get a job."
"I CAN'T! THEY WON'T HIRE A MONKEY!"
>She writes a few things down and nods.
>"So let me get this straight. You are angry at me because you can't pay your bills, and you want me to change something?"
"I-I think you're oversimplifying it a bit-"
>"Get out of my office."
 
>You're now sat on the bench outside of your home as a new couple moves in.
>Pinkie has gone home because the writer can't find another purpose for her.
>Coco sits next to you with a sad look on her face.
>"Anon... Should we end this with feels?"
"No. We've done enough madness for one day."
>She nods.
>"Yeah."
"Yeah."
>You put your arm around her.
>She slightly moves away from you.
>tfw
 
And that's the end of the story.