Title:           The One About The Car
Author:          SilentOrion
Pastebin link:   http://pastebin.com/vcu9xkUR
First Edit:      Sunday 18th of August 2013 05:47:29 PM CDT
Last Edit:       Sunday 18th of August 2013 05:47:29 PM CDT

>You are Anon.
>And today, you will remind them.
>Walking along the edge of the Everfree to kill some time, you came across a passenger car abandoned with the keys still inside.
>The door was swinging in the wind, and you could see bloodstains inside, as well as a large hole punctured in the top that looked like it came from a manticore tail.
>Dumbass.
>Didn't he know you can't fight a manticore unless you show up unexpectedly as it's attacking one of the CMC?
>Still, you could have fun with this.
 
>"MONSTEEEER!!!!"
>15 minutes later, you're barreling down a path straight through Poneville with your foot on the gas, banging on the window and screaming in mock horror at the pones you pass.
OH GOD IT'S DIGESTING ME AND I AM CURRENTLY IN AN UNREASONABLE AMOUNT OF PAIN!!!!
>Pones scatter left and right trying to avoid the rampaging car, diving behind stalls and into houses.
>Driving through the market, you turn in time to see Applejacks' face morph from worried fear, into hard determination as you smash through her apple cart.
>"Hold tight Anon, Ah'm comin!"
>Throwing her lasso like a champ, she manages to catch your tailpipe and kicks up a cloud of dust as she is dragged along the path behind you.
>Pulling herself along the rope, she finally manages to close the distance between herself and the car, and somehow get herself on top.
>"You just stay calm now, Sugarcube!"
>Looking down through the hole above you, she gives you a grin as she begins to mercilessly beat the roof of the vehicle while calling it a varmint.
 
>Glancing to the side, you see Rainbow Dash flying alongside you.
>"Bro, are you okay!?"
>Shooting a look of profound terror, you scream to your Rainbro.
JESUS FUCK NO HELP ME!
>Gasping in fear for your safety, she veers to the side and body checks the drivers door repeatedly.
>Chuckling to yourself, you turn the wheel slightly to the left (Cause ur from Murica') and hear a thump when the car nails her with a pit maneuver, sending her careening away from you with a yelp as she crashes through the window of Golden Oaks Library.
>The thumping above ceases as you hear the apple farmer yell out to her friend.
>"RD!"
>Seeing as she's distracted, you choose this moment to slam on your brakes and watch as AJ is flung forward from the roof.
>Road rash abounds.
>Twilight comes out of the library behind you and looks around in shock.
>"What in the name of Celestia is going on!? Anonymous!?"
>Catching sight of you, you give your best approximation of a death rattle as your eyes roll back, and you sink lower into your seat.
>"ANONYMOUS, NO!!!"
>As she gallops closer to the vehicle, you rev the engine a few times causing her to falter.
>"Anon, please be alright... I have to go get help!"
>She teleports away in a purple flash as you direct the car to the edge of town to await your "rescue".
>Getting a bit bored, you resort to checking the cars CD player and finding a lone album entitled "Ya'll Cowards Don't Even Smoke Crack".
...
 
>Be Twilight Sparkle.
>And be awaiting a response to your letter that was sent a few minutes prior, in regards to Anon being consumed by a large, unknown metal beast.
>"U-ugh..."
>Looking over, you see Rainbow Dash regaining consciousness on your library floor.
>"What happen-"
>A small silver disc flies in through your window out of nowhere and shatters against Rainbows head, knocking her out once more.
...
>Suddenly, a bright flash envelopes the room causing you to cover your eyes.
>When you can see again, you look to the center of the room and see Princess Cadence, flanked by Princess Celestia, and Princess Luna as they strike a pose.
>All 3 wearing a tight spandex the same color as their coats.
>They break their stances and trot up to you as Cadence starts speaking.
>"What's the situation Twilight, where's this monster that thinks he can put a hoof on my honey bear, Anon?"
H-honey bear? What about my brot-
>"ENOUGH OF THY CEASELESS PRATTLING, WHERE HAS THE FOUL BEAST TAKEN ANONYMOUS?"
>You step back quickly at the volume, and Princess Celestia moves behind you with a comforting hoof.
>"This is of the utmost importance, my faithful student. What can you tell us?"
>As you divulge the details that you know pertaining Anonymous' whereabouts, as well as what you know of the beast that captured him, the atmosphere in the room grows tense.
>"Then we have no choice. The safety of Equestria hangs in the balance, this creature must be stopped."
>Looking down resignedly, the Princess of the sun makes up her mind.
>"But sister, what of Anonymous? Surely we cannot leave him to such a terrible fate?"
>"We won't if we can help it, Luna. We will try our hardest to save him."
>Princess Cadence slams a hoof to the floor.
>"Trying isn't enough. We WILL free my boobywooby from the clutches of this monster, and he WILL reward my courage... With a k-kiss...
>Starting strong, the Princess of love is staring at the floor and blushing by the end of her statement.
>...Seriously, you're telling Shining.
>"Now. Let's find you some spandex Twilight."
 
>Be Anon, and be jamming to your emergency MJ/Prince mix CD that you keep for just such occasions.
>Because you ain't no jive turkey.
DIRTY DIANAAA! NO.... DIRTY DI-
>"Anonymoooooous!"
>Turning off the CD, you look around outside the car for the source of the call.
>Up in the sky, you see a chariot falling towards you with the 4 princesses riding atop it, all wearing what can only be described as spandex superhero outfits.
>As it nears the ground several yards away, they leap from their seats and land in a pose ripped straight from Charlies Angels as the chariot explodes behind them.
>Except Twilight.
>She sits behind the others facehoofing, and looking like she is wondering how the hell her government has managed to function for so long.
...What the fuck did I just watch?
>"Anonymous, we have come to rescue you from your imprisonment!"
And what happened to the two guards that were pulling that chariot?
>Ignoring you as you stare at the flaming wreckage behind them, they break from their pose and begin to walk to the car in a threatening manner.
>"SPAWN OF TARTARUS, PREPARE THINE SELF FOR THE TASTE OF DEFEAT."
>"You have alot of nerve, thinking that you can bring harm to one of my subjects in my own kingdom."
>Damn, Celly in white spandex with gold trimming.
>The ass was fat.
>H-hi Anon~"
>You raise an eyebrow as Cadence gives you a wink.
>...Kay. Anyway.
 
P-please... Hurry...
>Resuming your look of near death, you rev the engine once more.
>The Princesses sans Twilight take a step back with a raised forehoof, but don't back down.
>"Don't worry, Anon, I came up with the perfect idea to get you out safely! Twilight, do it!"
>Why does the Cadence even know your name? You've met her like, twice...
>Breaking from mumbling to herself and trying to pretend this isn't happening, Twilights' horn begins go glow as she speaks to you.
>"Alright Anonymous, I prepared a spell that will cause the monster to void it's bowels, and hopefully get you out of there. Unfortunately, it's an area wide spell, so you may feel some discomfort."
I...What?
>"I'm sorry, but this was the only way we could think of to see you out safely..."
>Her eyes light up with the intensity of the spell she is attempting to cast.
>"Be safe, Anonymous..."
>Celestia gives you a sad look, like a mother who's forced to send her crying child to school for the first time.
>A look that means this is going to suck balls, but that you're going to do it anyway.
>Oh hell no.
>Putting the car into drive, you put the pedal to the floor in an attempt to avoid this situation you have found yourself in.
>You didn't drive fast enough.
>A wave of purple overtakes the vehicle, and you feel the bottom half of of your intestines sink.
Oh god...
 
>We did it!
>Not quite in the way you expected, but as soon as the monster saw it's demise coming, it turned tail and ran.
>Anon wasn't ejected from it's rear as planned, but when Twilights' magic crashed over it, the beast began to veer off course erratically before slamming into a tree!
>Flying over with the other princesses in tow, you rip the now assuredly vanquished monsters mouth open, and pull your cute little Anon from within using your magic.
>"WE HATH SAVED OUR LOYAL SUBJECT."
>"You did well, dear sister."
>Luna and Celestia look happy with the outcome, as Twilight begins to trot home with a shake of her head.
>Pulling Anon close to you, you claim your prize after all this time.
>As he looks on with a face that you would assume to be absolute horror and regret if you didn't know any better, you give him a soft kiss.
...You could use a shower...