Title:           Thread 9: Stories 106-120
Author:          PrincessApplejack
Pastebin link:   http://pastebin.com/JtRPF0ri
First Edit:      Monday 10th of March 2014 05:41:43 PM CDT
Last Edit:       Monday 10th of March 2014 05:41:43 PM CDT

 
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 
>Celestia
"Twilight."
------
>Twilight, you mentioned that the Ruckus room-
 
"The Sub-Space Alternate Reality Simulator?"
 
>Yes, that. You said that it could run on altered rules of reality, exactly how much alteration can you do in there?
 
"Well, honestly, i have no idea."
 
>Come again?
 
"I said i have no idea, I've tested it hundreds of times with multiple subjects that were animate, inanimate, organic, non-organic, magical and non-magical along with all of the possible combinations of each."
 
"As long as the fabricated reality does not have attributes that would cause a paradox, it is theoretically possible to simulate any type of reality you could possibly imagine."
 
>So, lets say we wanted to simulate a reality exactly like our own, with the only change being that ponies and other creatures are completely unaffected by an excess amount of radiation and heat energy?
 
"What kind of radiation?"
 
>Lets go with every kind, just to be safe.
 
"Does it have to be exactly like our reality? Because i could completely negate all radiation and heat, but we need at least a little for our reality to function and there are millions of factors i would have to compensate for in order to do that."
 
>How about a single room, about the size of my bedchambers?
 
"Would take me 5 minutes."
 
>And you're absolutely sure it would work? There isnt a chance of somepony dying or being severely hurt from some kind of feedback?
 
"Zero chance, I've tested every kind of sensory input up to their maximum setting and the failsafes protected the subject 100%."
 
>Twilight, i need you to be completely honest with me on this.
 
"...Subjects suffered slight headaches after experiencing heightened senses and being reduced back to normal levels in the real world."
 
>That shouldn't be a problem as long as the holode-
 
"The Sub-Space Alternate Reality Simulator."
 
>As long as the room isnt overused, it shouldn't be a problem?
 
"Correct."
 
>Thank you Twilight, now if you'll excuse me i need to go select several guards for a special mission.
 
"But princess, most of them are still recovering from the robot attack."
 
>Have no fear Twilight, the mission i have in mind will only involve some light physical activity and could actually be considered a type of R&R.
 
"Alright, do you want me to set up the room for you?"
 
>Always the faithful student, but it can wait until...about 7 o clock tomorrow?
 
"Can do!"
 
*Inside the barracks*
[So i was talking to this crystal pony the other day, and he said that the queen of the changlings grew about fifty fee ta-]
 
*SLAM*
 
>Gentlecolts!
 
[M'AM!]
 
>At ease.
 
[Have the robots returned?]
[Or those mutant things from under the mountain?]
[Dont tell me we're under attack by giant spiders!]
[Or sharks!]
[OH CELESTIA I HATE SHARKS!]
 
>Calm down! Nothing is attacking us, that i know of.
 
>I have come here to request a group of you for a very important mission but due to the nature of this mission, i require the selected members to be fit for physical duty, well groomed and have an open mind towards sexual pursuits.
 
Many of the guard were confused about these requirements, but the remaining few quickly realized what the "mission" was and began fearing for the lives of their comrades.
 
>I see a few of you have figured out what this mission is, so be assured that every precaution has been taken to ensure your complete and utter safety. I ask you to trust me, not as your princess or as your boss, but as a mere pony asking for aid in her time of need.
 
The royal soldiers looked amongst each other with confusion and fear in their eyes, many of them still confused as to why this mission was something to be scared of, before steeling their resolve and nodding in unison.
 
>Excellent! I'll leave you all to determine who shall go on this mission, i require five, no six candidates to report to my bedchamber's at 18:45 tomorrow.
 
Turning to leave, a particular specimen catches her eye.
 
>You, with the tree cutie mark, are you by any chance related to Big Macintosh, from ponyville?
 
[He's my third cousin thrice removed M'am, why do you ask?]
 
>I thought you looked alike, are you fit for physical duty?
 
[Yes m'am.]
 
>Good, you're now part of tomorrows mission, see you tomorrow.
 
She leaves the barracks with a swish of her tail and a slight prance in her step, already anticipating tomorrow evening.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 
>Luna
"77"
 
>Greetings changeling I-OHGOODSWEETMOTHEROFUSALLWHATISTHAT!?
 
"Ah, your majesty, I wish I'd known you were coming, I would have prepared."
 
>77, what IS that thing?
 
"Proof my imagination is a vile creature that must be destroyed."
 
The two continue to look up at the planet-sized monstrosity that hovers in the sky, all teeth and tentacles and necrotized flesh.
 
>We thought you'd worked through your issues.
 
"I have, this is a misguided attempt at helping Equestria."
 
>How does THIS help Equestria?
 
"Simple, after the robot invasion I began to ponder what could possibly pose a threat to Equestria after our decisive victory. I borrowed some books on lucid dreaming from Princess Sparkle and put my mind to work."
 
>So you believe the only remaining threat to Equestria is a massive eldritch...planet monster?
 
"Hm? Oh no, there's them-"
 
77 pointed over to a group of tall grey ponies, regarding the changeling and princess with black pupiless eyes as a fleet of saucer shaped spacecraft floated behind them.
 
"-and them-"
 
He nodded to a hulking trio of diamond dogs, behind them a seemingly unending horde of their kin.
 
"-and them-"
 
Another nod towards an army of heavily armed battle-tested gryphons.
 
"-and him."
 
A cackling skeletal unicorn sorcerer and his army of the damned stand at the ready.
 
>...would you like to wake up now?
 
"Very much so, yes."
 
>Have a nice night, 77, we hope your dreams are less troubled in the future.
 
"They never are, but thanks for the thought."
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 
>Celestia
"Twilight"
~~~~
 
>Twilight.
 
"Um, Celestia? The guards mentioned you, uh... you ripped the Sub-Space Alternate Reality Simulator out of your room and... ate pieces of it. Why?"
 
>Let's just say, I'm glad I decided to practice a bit before I met up with my... recreational assistant.
 
"...whhyy?"
 
>Because for all the fancy mechanics, one little problem will always seem to remain. Alicorn magic versus technology? Does not go well for the latter.
 
"Ah."
 
>Now, if you will excuse me, before I go into my room and gorge myself on so many cakes I will die of diabetes before my hated magic resurrects me, I am going to fly out of the atmosphere, and... remove some molten bits. I never like that candle stick anyway.
 
"..."
 
>Good day, Twilight.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 
>Celestia
"Applejack"
~~~~
 
"Tia? Everyone is worried."
 
>Oh? Whatever for?
 
"You've been shooting giant beams at the sky for 'bout six hours now. Any particular reason?"
 
>She knows what she did.
 
"What?"
 
>I said, SHE KNOWS WHAT SHE DID! OHHHH! YOU THINK YOU'RE SO, SO FUNNY! HA! HAHAHAHA HA! "Oh, Celestia, your powers can go so far out of control in a place like that!" SO MUCH CAN HAPPEN, RIGHT!? HAHAHAHAAH! FUUUUUUUU-
 
From the heavens themselves, a white object rocketed down, and landed square in her mouth before she could say another word.
 
"...Ya'll okay?"
 
She merely moved the bar of soap around in her mouth, and gave a somber nod of her head.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 
>SA
"Chrysalis"
~~~~
 
>Oh for the love of.
 
"Messing up Shiny's paaapers!"
 
>You know you don't HAVE to do that, right? I'm pretty sure Celestia doesn't want you to do this anymore.
 
"Celestia? What are you... OH! Oh shit, right, I'm supposed to be doing this for her. Huh..."
 
>...Are you serious?
 
"Yeah. Damn, forgot why I was supposed to be doing this."
 
>For how long?
 
"Uhhh, shit, like a month after I got here?"
 
>You've been wrecking my paperwork for MONTHS... and you didn't even remember why.
 
"Nope."
 
>Didn't even question it.
 
"Nu-uh."
 
>...You are lucky I am not a weaker pony. Were I, I would toss you out into the snow and make you walk ho-
 
Any continuation died a fairly quick death when she kissed him on the cheek.
 
"But you're nooooot~! You're Shiny. So I'm going to keep on bugging you... HAH! Bugging! I JUST got that!"
 
>...No more kissing like that unless I ask, okay?
 
"Pfft, spoilsport-OW!"
 
>Bad Crissy.
 
"Don't hit me in the head with a newspaper!... Hit me here! Punish me, I'm a bad bad girl-OW!"
 
>Bad Crissy.
 
"I said not in the hea-OW!"
 
>Nnnno. No.
 
"Will you st-OH! I just got it! Cause you smack a bug with those! Man, I am just in the ZONE tod-OW!"
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 
>Twilight
"Shining Armor"
'Poindexter'
-Rarity-
~Chrysalis~
~~~~~
"OnO in Twilight's new Sub-Space Alternate Reality simulator!"
 
'Oh, man! This is so awesome! This is what it's like to be on the holodeck!'
 
-And it's ability to simulate high fantasy medieval fashion is simply gorgeous!-
 
~You know what else can be done here?~
 
"What-? OH, CELESTIA NO!"
 
~I'm gonna use my advanced initiative to secu-~
 
"PLEASE! CHRYSALIS, NO!"
 
~Seduce.~
 
Rarity munches popcorn
 
~Shining~
 
'Sigh... it's never me'
 
~Arm-~
 
>AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
 
"... Oh... crap."
 
>You all forgot one thing when you tried to hold an OnO game within my machine: that when you do so I AM THE DM!
 
~... And my lady boner is dead.~
 
'And the rest of your body and ours to follow...'
 
>YOU HAVE ALL ENTERED MY MAGICAL REALM! IT IS FILLED WITH DEAD BODIES, BONES, AND BLOOD! MWAHAHAHAAHAHA! GET READY! THE LICH LORD DESCENDS UPON YOU!
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 
>Celestia
"Twilight"
~~~~
 
>Okay! So you're sure this will work?
 
"Celestia, I am not going to lie. You asking me to make a sun-temperature level resistant Condom? A part of me is dead. A little piece of Twili is dead and she is never coming back. Where once was innocence is now death. And I blame you."
 
>...but it works?
 
"It should."
 
>Fantastic! Now, where is it?
 
"It's... huh, I can't seem to find it anymore. Where'd it go? Oh-oh well, I have a whole box over..."
 
>...
 
"Well, I have the machine to make more right-OH COME ON! How does a fifty ton machine just VANISH!? It's fifty tons! FIFTY TONS!"
 
>... MOTHERFU-OMF!
 
"...Is that so-"
 
>Suf za fu uh, twivite
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 
>Celestia
"29"
~~~~
 
"And you're SURE this is safe?"
 
>Don't worry, I'm totally sure. One hundred percent. Yep yep yep.
 
"Finally! I am SO READY to fulfill some fantasies! So, what do you want? Princely stallions? Another Alicorn? Mare with some added... benefits?"
 
>I literally do not care.
 
"GOOD ENOUGH! Now, let's..."
 
>What is it!? I am so ready!
 
"...You're lying to me, aren't you? I'm going to die if I go through with this."
 
>...N-noooo! Whatever gave you that idea?
 
"The stars are literally spelling 'she's lying'."
 
>...Those stars are liars! I fired off so much magic you would only be mostly singed! I wouldn't' KILL you!
 
"...Mostly singed."
 
>No worse than third degree burns, I promise.
 
"..."
 
>...DAMN!... Oh, what, Damn's fine but when I try to say fu-OMF!
 
"...Shit. I'm too revved up."
 
*SIGH!*
 
"I guess the mayor finally gets her pirate lover fantasy fulfilled."
 
>....MMMMMFUHMUMINGMHMMHMANA!
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 
>Twilight
"Fluttershy"
'Discord'
[Birds]
~~~~~
 
>...You did this, didn't you?
 
"Twilight, I would never!"
 
>Talking to Discord.
 
'I don't listen to Rock and Roll, I'm a Blues guy.'
 
"That sight gag doesn't work in writing."
 
'They have an imagination!'
 
>So then, YOU explain why those things are singing to Celestia, and making her try to kill herself.
 
[If you like it then you gotta put a ring on it!~ Don't be mad if you love him he'll get it!~ If you like it then you gotta put a ring on it oh-oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh-oh! If you like it then you gotta put a ring on it!]
 
'...I don't know, but, I have so much to learn.'
 
*Gunshot*
 
'I am but a learner'
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 
>Chrysalis
"Celestia"
~~~~~~
 
>BOOMBITCH!
 
"...That door was titanium."
 
>And I am pure, fired up BADASS! In hypotherminay, I mean, my ass is FANTASTIC.
 
"One, that's not why hypothetically mean, you mean metaphorically. Two, any particular reason you just broke into my room?"
 
>That would be THIS my lesser in the world of sexiness!
 
"No comment... oh, fuck you."
 
>Yeah, you like it? That's the total damage cost to the Crystal Empire. ALL OF IT. That tiiiiny little number. And you know how many casualties? ZERO! It's an easy number to remember, cause it's all the fucks I give!
 
"You're bragging that you sustained less damage in an invasion?"
 
>Damn straight I am!
 
"Well then, what a shame it was you weren't here, where all your actual subjects are, isn't it?"
 
>...Damn.
 
"That burn?"
 
>Little bit.
 
"You know, Chrysalis, it's a shame we don't have magic to make words physical. Cause otherwise we would both finally get what we want."
 
>What's that?
 
"Cause you just got RAILED! Hah!"
 
>...your snappy comeback is "Neither of us ever get any?"
 
"...shit."
 
>Yeah...
 
"We lose this round, Chrysalis."
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 
>???
"Flim"
'Flam'
[???]
~~~~~
 
>You two are so lucky.
 
"...Flam, do you see what I see?"
 
'The light? Oh, dear brother, it seems our time has come. He's Flim'
 
"He's Flam"
 
"'And this is the Flim Flam brothers, going off..."
 
*SMACKSMACK!*
 
>You're both still alive, quit!
 
"...OH THANK CELESTIA!"
 
'LIFE! PRECIOUS BELOVED LIIIIIIFE!"
 
"Fuck the two-people speak thing for a sec, I'm just going to bask."
 
'Bask with me brother, in our sweet breath of... shit.'
 
"That doesn't sound very sweet, bro- oh..."
 
>Yeah.
 
"...Brother, I fear we can't talk our way out of this one."
 
'I feel the executioners blade already.'
 
>...Really? If we were going to kill you, you would be dead. No, we have something else in store for you two traitors.
 
"Technically, we're residents of Swindlton, we're not actually Equestrian citizens."
 
'Yeah, we don't even have a license to sell our stuff here.'
 
"Pretty big reason why we helped out Blueblood, actually."
 
'The prospects were down to him, or hooking. And I'm the pretty one.'
 
"Would not have gone well."
 
>...Point is, you are going to regret your actions... soon enough. But for now, someone wants to see you. Be thankful that someone up there likes you, and try to cling to that in the next few hours.
 
"...What does she mean by that?"
 
'I do not know, brother.'
 
With a burst of confetti, the door exploded open.
 
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 
>SA
"Chrysalis"
'Cadence'
~~~
 
>...
 
"Mooorning! Boy I wish I could see the smile on your face."
 
'She wouldn't leave.'
 
"I didn't hear Shiny object."
 
'He was asleep.'
 
>So why are you on my back instead of between us?
 
'...I like the smell of your hair. I thought you'd notice when you woke up.'
 
"And yet, I see that instincts have taken over! You are pressed up against that pretty hard."
 
'...And you're still somehow looking at me. Isn't that hurting your neck? That's a near total 180 swing.'
 
>I-I can't feel it. It's gone numb.
 
"We totally did this wrong."
 
'Correct. For starters, you are in our bed.'
 
"I'm in here all the time, why is this a problem?"
 
'You're only in here when everyone else is! You're not supposed to be in unless we have at LEAST two other changelings present-
 
"Kinky!"
 
'-one of which is the innocent daughter you are forbidden to introduce lewd stuff to.'
 
>You are pinning one of my legs with your hips.
 
"I know, I like it when you try to wiggle out."
 
>Are you going to stop this?
 
'...It's four in the morning.'
 
>Really? Shit forget that. I'm going back to sleep.
 
"Aww, I wanted more Shiny wiggling!"
 
>Chrysalis, I couldn't get it going for CADENCE at this hour, there is no chance.
 
"...Fine. Let's do this right."
 
>Oh, thank Celestia, bloodflow-and she's back on top of it.
 
"There! Now you're in the middle, and you can see both me AND Caddy with moving your neck... but I do miss you pressing against my back, sadly."
 
>Are you going to say anything?
 
'...zzzzz...'
 
>Oh for the love of, Chrysalis, you should not-
 
"....zzzz..."
 
>...something is brushing against my hooves.
 
[Sorry, there wasn't any room up there. I'll see you in a couple hours, Shiny.]
 
>Have a good rest, 42.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 
>Spike
"DT"
'42'
-Filthy Rich-
{Luna}
~~~~
 
>Hey DT got anything to drink?
 
"Yeah, in the fridge."
 
'Hey Spike, grab me a glass of malk'
 
>There's no malk, but I can get you some milk.
 
"That's what she just said."
 
'Yeah, I just want some malk'
 
>No, you're saying it wrong. You're saying MALK. Like it's a disease.
 
"Heh, how do you say it?"
 
>I'm saying it the way everypony ought to say it. Milk. M-I-L-K.
 
"Right, like 2 percent."
 
'Right, whole malk.'
 
>Nonono, say milkshake.
 
'Milkshake'
 
>Okay, now say Milk.
 
'Malk'
 
>...Are you hearing this?
 
"Yeah, the girl wants a glass of mulk"
 
>...Mulk?!
 
"Give her the mulk, Spike!"
 
Filthy Rich walks in.
-Diamond Tiara...inside voices please.-
 
"Sorry dad...my non-pony friends."
Filthy Rich walks out.
 
'Spike! Pour me. A glass. Of Malk!'
 
>Why are you yelling at me?
 
"Just give her the freaking mulk"
 
>You guys aren't even saying the same thing!
 
'We're all saying malk, Spike!'
 
>No, you're saying malk. DT is saying-
 
"Mulk!"
 
'Malk!'
 
"Muuuuulk."
 
'MALK!'
 
"MULK!"
 
'MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALK~'
 
Takes out Charity and points it at them.
>SHUT UP! Just SHUT UP!
Points her to his head.
 
DT and 42 pull out guns and point them at Spike.
"Better put it down pal."
 
'Don't do it Spike!'
 
>You're going to shoot me if I shoot myself? That doesn't make any sense!
 
"'...'"
They point them to their own heads.
 
"Spike put it down"
 
'Put the gun down!'
 
>Put your guns awaaay!!!
 
"Spike, just put it down now or you're gonna-"
 
>I'm going to kill myself over this!
 
'You're like a brother to meee!!!'
 
>PUT THE GUN DOWN!
 
'Your hand is like a brother to meee!!'
 
>RAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
 
{Got milk?}
~~~~~
>Princess Luna, I don't know how I feel about you using us in your dream commercials. Do you even know what we do?
 
Luna counts bits
{We don't know and don't care.}
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 
>DT
"Filthy Rich"
~~
 
Diamond Tiara felt as if she had just run a marathon. While underwater, at that.
 
>I'm home!
 
It had to be three in the morning, but there he was, sitting anxiously at the table, an plate of brownies next to him. The bags under his eyes were deeper than she would have wanted.
 
"Hi sweetie! Did you have fun on your field trip?"
 
>...Dad, I wasn't-
 
"Must've been fun. I made brownies, you want some? Had to... had to make another batch, those friends of yours sure can eat! Heh... just like you did when you were four. Oh, you would just shove the whole brownie in your mouth. C-couldn't wait to get it."
 
>...Daddy, are you okay?
 
"Fine, sweetie! Robots attacked, did you see that? That happened. Glad you weren't here. Think your friend wished you were, though. Mentioned it once or twice."
 
The weight of the day just crashed down on her, and all of a sudden it was near impossible to stand.
 
But that's alright, he seemed to be waiting just for this. She was on his back before she ever hit the ground.
 
"Oh, all tired from your trip? It's alright, it's been a long day, you can tell me all about it later."
 
>I... I got a medal, daddy.
 
"Oh, that's fantastic honey! I'm so proud. Not that it takes much for me, eh? I'm proud no matter what you do."
 
>Daddy...
 
"Do you want me to read you a bedtime story? I still have that book you love. The one with the pink bunny."
 
>...No, daddy, I just want to go to sleep.
 
"Oh, of course honey."
 
He tucked her in gently, with all the care he would take of wrapping a snowflake. He placed a soft, gentle kiss on her forehead, and gave her one last hug.
 
"Good night, my little angel, I love you."
 
>I... I love you too, daddy.
 
He blew out the candle, and she was asleep in no time. When morning came, he was still there in her room, just watching her sleep.
 
Waiting for the moment she could tell him all about the fun trip she had.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 
>Chrysalis
"various Changelings"
~~~
 
>Hey guys! Just checking sure to make sure we're casualty free.
 
"We're all still alive!"
 
"Even, against all logic, 55."
 
"I'm back off the wagon!"
 
>Isn't that on the wagon?
 
"...WHY HAS NOBODY CORRECTED US!?"
 
"We've been using it like that for SO LONG!"
 
"Now I just feel stupid!"
 
"You? These buttons I made are useless!"
 
"...Sexy inspector?"
 
"Other buttons!"
 
"I'm not a foxy grandma, but I-"
 
"Ran out of room, other button!"
 
"That one is just your dick."
 
"...OH! Right, I decided against the 'get off the wagon' pins. Crisis averted... wow, am I glad I didn't send these out to the schools like I planned, would my face have been red!"
 
"And also your ass when you were raped in prison."
 
"That only happens in those terrible movies!"
 
"But DAMN are they sexy."
 
"They are."
 
>...Would anybody be offended if I said I hoped at least SOME of you didn't make it out okay? Survival of the most intelligent and all that?
 
"No! I too wish the betrayer would die!"
 
"It's over between us, I said!"
 
"BETRAYAL!"
 
>...Because I'm going to think it anyway.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________