Title:           Thread 74: Stories 1-15
Author:          PrincessApplejack
Pastebin link:   http://pastebin.com/GFSFFWnB
First Edit:      Monday 11th of May 2015 04:10:49 PM CDT
Last Edit:       Monday 11th of May 2015 04:10:49 PM CDT

https://archive.moe/mlp/thread/22828938/
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OMAKE TIME!
>AJ
"Arana"
~~~
 
>So do ya'll just hang out up there all the time?
 
"Yep."
 
>So, wait... does that mean ya'll... uh...
 
"Yes, I watch all the time."
 
>............
 
"You make funny noises when you do it, you squeak like a mouse."
 
>SPIKE! GET MAH' SPIDER SPRAY!
 
"NO AJ NO!"
 
>C'MERE YA' DANG PLOT DEVICE!
 
 
TO THE LEWD PASTEBIN I GOOOO
 
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 
>Celestia
"SA"
~~~
 
>So, how are things going over there?
 
Her voice had been coy and amused. The look he gave her was anything but.
 
>That bad, dear Bubblehorse?
 
He sighed, shuffling up until he joined her on her place next to her favorite balcony spot, the exact spot she so loved to have, just in case she needed to make a jump for it. He plopped his equally to her white rear down, and he slumped. He slumped like a little defeated puppy who had just found out his ball was gone forever because, in a fit of playfulness, he had eaten it.
 
"At least she used to spend some time over here making sure the were alive. Now? I barely get a moment away from her, she's three seconds from attaching herself to my hip and forming some kind of body horror nightmare."
 
>To be fair, most of this probably is just her being thankful to you for what you've done for her. Give her a little credit, she's just trying to thank you for being the one to let her in and treat her like a real being... correction, a real being who isn't secretly plotting to take over the world.
 
"Sometimes I wonder about that."
 
>I wouldn't, even if she got it, she'd play with it for a minute and then get bored and forget about it. That or just use it as an excuse why you have to marry her.... or just decide it's not worth it and set fire to it all.
 
"I'm trying to question which of those is the worst, and I'm coming up tellingly blank."
 
>The first one, since then it's just Equestria circa about a year ago.
 
"...Still trying to decide."
 
Playfully, she bopped him in the head, messing up that eternally non-regulation cut mane even more so than it normally was.
 
>Well, all the same, you're going to have to deal with it. You fed it, and now it's just going to keep coming back.
 
"See, this is why mom said I couldn't have a puppy."
 
>Shining, the time for joking about irresponsibility became quite inappropriate the moment you legally adopted one of the chaos bringers.
 
"More like cuddle bringer."
 
>Point.
 
"She drew you another picture, by the way."
 
>And thus, I am forced to purchase yet another chest to keep them in. I shall bankrupt Equestria at this rate.
 
"It'll be worth it when she gets older and can literally swim in her own artwork."
 
>That it will... so, did you come seeking advice, help with a daring plan to get her back over here, or merely to vent?
 
"I suppose there's not a whole lot to do, I'm just venting. I don't want to kick her or her guys out, after what happened over here in Canterlot... I do want them to know that there's someone out there who doesn't hate them and won't send them packing, it's just tiring. They're loud, obnoxious and not very helpful, but I'm trying."
 
>Mmm... and thus, the student has surpassed the master.
 
"Don't be hard on yourself again, Tia. You've done that far, far too much already. You've done a lot, stop selling yourself short on everything."
 
Warmly, she felt a smile cross her face once more.
 
>Oh, I suppose. But rather, I was referring to Applejack.
 
"...Oh?"
 
>Please, never speak this to her, but... I was rather disappointed how this all ended up. I wanted this to be a grand test, a way to show her how to deal with unruly foreign royals, difficult situations and accepting that a people is not made of their loudest and most dangerous members... but I realize now that I was too hard on her, I forced too much on her too quickly. She wasn't ready for this, not remotely, and it almost ended in tragedy because of it.
 
A long, warm wing wrapped around him, drawing him in close enough he could feel the heartbeat through her alabaster fur.
 
>I thank you, and of course Cadence, for growing where she did not, and being there to stop that tragedy before it occurred. You saw past all the... unfortunate things she did to you, and understood what I hoped she would. You both did so well, Shining Armor.
 
He chuckled, reaching out and poking her in her side, right where he knew she was ticklish. He loved watching her face scrunch up as she tried to hold in the giggles, but they would not stay down for long.
 
"You know, you did too. She blasted you, nearly took over your kingdom and tried to raise hell, and you gave her another shot too. Sure, she hurt me and Cadence, but that wasn't all she did."
 
>Yes, there was more to her, I discovered... I just wish that I could have made Applejack understand that.
 
She sighed, letting what little mirth had built up escape her with the breath. Instead, she felt a bit of defeat.
 
>But I failed on that front, and there is nothing to do with it. Hopefully they will find happiness over there... even if you do drive them mad.
 
Concern washed over him at Celestia being saddened once more, but that was not all that crossed his face.
 
"...You know, there is one little thing even I'll admit you could have done better?"
 
Worry, real worry, that whatever possessed Applejack had at last moved to her dear Bubblehorse and that her final line of defense for her sanity was corrupted.
 
>Oh?
 
"Yeah. Actually? Lot like Chrysalis here."
 
>...Oh?
 
"Yeah..."
 
He pressed forwards, once again bringing her wing closer to him and himself closer to her taller frame.
 
"You need to let in someone else on these freaking plans, you know? We could probably have actually guided Applejack better if you weren't playing mysterious mentor all the time. This isn't a 'drown or swim' situation here, there was time to make real moves without just waiting for one of them to snap."
 
She tensed, only relaxing when she saw the real, genuine concern on his face, and knew he spoke only to show support, not criticism.
 
>...Yes, I suppose... I got to caught up in the lesson, rather than the teaching.
 
"Well, that's a new one!"
 
Again, another bop to the head, and another ruffling of wavy blue mane.
 
>Oh stop.
 
He laughed, gaze turning out over the land once more. A land he had once protected, lived in, and loved in. It was not his kingdom... but this place would always be a special part of him, always be his home.
 
"...Tia?"
 
>Yes, Shiny?
 
"Next time, you'll let me help, right? You are not alone."
 
Something inside of her stirred at those familiar, never forgotten words, and she too had to look away, over the balcony, to the kingdom she had ruled for over a thousand years... but not alone.
 
>No... I suppose I'm not.
 
Not anymore.
 
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 
[Editor's note: There's 2 variants of this story. Variant 2 is the widely accepted one. I am including variant 1 for complete's sake, though.]
 
[Variant 1]
CD as fuck.
>Luna
“???”
~~~~~
 
Even after staring for the better half of an hour, and she’d been staring from different angles while tilting her head every which way, Luna still couldn’t believe it.
 
She knew they’d stopped carrying that worn little tome sometime ago, but that was because she figured they didn’t need it anymore, having gained a better grasp of that particular weakness.
 
But this…
 
Aghast as she was to admit it, there was some measure of respect to be had for this.
 
Being the mare of the night, Luna was well-versed at moving tacitly, effortlessly blending in with shadows her moon created. Not that it would’ve mattered to the two patrons of the room as Luna was too shellshocked to worry about being hidden.
 
And Chrysalis was far too engrossed in the dictionary she was currently pouring over to notice, her lips moving rapidly as she hoofed through bookmarked pages and self-created notes.
 
Was she.. studying?
 
Her teal mane was pulled up into a ponytail and, Faust above, what in the hell was she doing wearing those glasses?
 
There was no word yet invented to sum up Luna’s surprise as she continued to watch that bitchy, self-centered, egotistical, mentally warped changeling queen circle the word ‘indefatigable’ with a red marker.
 
“Induh… indefriggle…fraggle! Fruggle? Defibblegabble…”
 
It was obviously the next word she was trying to learn.
 
“Ha… HA! This one… this one here’s going to be a problem, I can already see it. Just had to challenge myself with a ten-plus letter word, didn’t I? Hrrrm… fine. I’ll practice it a few more times, get it really down pat, make sure it sounds natural, then use it the first chance I get… yeah, that’ll work, make sure it sticks.”
 
She pushed up her glasses with a dominant, hard-earned smirk.
 
“One word at a time, girl, hmph! This dictionary and these damned words won’t get the best of THIS queen, nuh-uh! At this three-word-a-week pace I should have the biggest vocabulary out anyone before the year’s up! And then no one’ll be able to make fun of me again!”
 
>…Art thou serious?
 
“GAAAAAH!”
 
Wings flaring, tail whipping, Chrysalis spun around, frantically snatching the glasses from her face and tugging her hair from its ponytail, no doubt snatching a few hairs free in her haste.
 
>…
 
“I-I-YOU! Y-you- but h-how did you- who the fuck let you in here? You can’t just- WHAT? What’re you looking at me like that for? I wasn’t doing anything! I was just… just… I…”
 
Chrysalis was on her hooves without remembering the stand and Luna watched with ever-astonished eyes as the queen struggled to find an excuse, any at all, to save herself.
 
But there wasn’t a need for saving.
 
A dark blue hue of magic encased the dictionary behind Chrysalis, the same one she’d been trying to hide in her shadow, and it jumped into the air, zooming toward Luna.
 
“Y-YOU GIVE THAT BACK RIGHT NOW!”
 
Luna’s gaze shifted from left to right on the marked pages, then up into the Queen’s snarling face.
 
>Hm. Seems thou art rather… indefatigable in thine’s effort at gaining a higher vocabulary.
 
Fangs were bared, legs were taut, eyes were nothing but slits… all signs that Chrysalis was seconds from charging.
 
“You bitch-”
 
>Rude.
 
“If…hear me now, if you so much as breathe a word of this to anyone, I swear on my hive I….”
 
When Chrysalis faltered, it almost compelled Luna to taunt her. What would the Queen of Changelings do indeed? Threats wouldn’t work and grandstanding against a princess had about as much sway as a foal mouthing its teacher.
 
The only viable option there would be to cause her physical pain, and Luna would let her. A nail in the coffin if ever there was one.
 
“I…”
 
Deep hues of an embarrassed red had overtaken her face, and grew more pronounced with every passing second.
 
“I…”
 
She looked on the verge of hyperventilating, passing out, and Luna knew why. If the last remaining Queen of a near-extinct race were found out to be studying vocabulary… such knowledge would tarnish that meticulously crafted veil of superiority Chrysalis worked so hard to keep up, for both her and her species.
 
Never mind what ponies would think, imagining how the Gryphons, among other races wary of them, would respond was enough to cause Chrysalis to slump in the shoulders.
 
“I…”
 
>Have no need to fear a soul discovering this.
 
The look of disbelief that overcame Chrysalis at this statement was nothing compared to how Luna herself felt on the inside.
 
Fucked up beyond all measure with confusion.
 
She had in her hooves a piece of evidence that, if ever it got out, would strike a blow to Chrysalis and leave her reputation forever tarnished. Even if such a thing were to be lauded, Luna had a good grasp of the bug queens twisted mind and knew she considered this nothing but a weakness.
 
“You what…?”
 
And although she deserved it, at its core, Chrysalis was trying to better herself, present a better example… and that was something Luna couldn’t bring herself to sabotage.
 
“…You’re just trying to fool me, aren’t you? Trying to get me to lower my guard so the next day BAM! I’m on the fucking front page with some stupid caption like ‘Stupid Bug Queen Tries To Get Smarter’! That’s it, isn’t it? Get all of Equestria laughing at me and-”
 
>All of Equestria is already laughing at thee for thine failed takeover of our castle.
 
The book was closed with a sharp snap and sent sailing through the air where it bounced off Chrysalis’s chest and thudded to the floor.
 
>But this… is one thing they shan’t mock thee over.
 
Flabbergasted. That’s what Chrysalis was, flabbergasted, and thus left silent as Luna straightened her back, fixing the queen with… soft eyes.
 
>We know all too well the feeling of trying to better one’s self, that struggle to climb and prove something. It’s hard, and there is much stumbling… and sometimes we can better ourselves too much.
 
Her eyes stared through Chrysalis, traveling back in time for a tense moment before she blinked, zoning back in on the present.
 
>Be that as it may… continue on thine’s path of learning three words a day. And then move up to four, and five. Continue to push thyself… Chrysalis.
 
Just saying the name left an acidic aftertaste on Luna’s tongue. It was truly painful… seeing an endeavor so right being attempted by a creature she so detested.
 
There was something of sharp defiance in the queen’s eyes, a close-guarded hesitance like she wanted to believe Luna’s words but was still wary.
 
“…Not a soul? Not… not a word even to that apple-snorting wench Applejack?”
 
>…
 
Wordlessly, Luna turned toward the door and began to walk, able to hear Chrysalis scowl in her wake.
 
>Thou doth insult the apple ones honor.
 
“…Honor? Her HONOR? Both that bitch and her honor can jump off the tallest building with her wings strapped down, tell me about honor. She did virtually nothing to assist me or my hive in Canterlot, and you know this. I had to ensure the survival of my species. Me. Not her.”
 
>As acting Queen of thine’s populace, thou damn well should have. The apple one owed thee nothing, and she still does not. Thou chose to stay after she brought thee to the castle, and then proceeded to make life a living hell. Typically, the one of weaker positioning humbles themselves before the one with power to gain the needed help… yet somehow, within thine’s twisted little head, thou got the roles mixed up entirely and wanted us to kneel before thee, like ye was entitled to such respect.
 
 
“Um, hello? Queen over here. See this crown? That’s pretty much standard.”
 
Luna did not turn around.
 
>What’s also just as standard is thine’s delusions. All we shall say is that if thou thinks the apple one would make fun of thee for trying to sincerely learn and make thineself better… then perhaps it is a good thing thou moved over here. She knows very well what it means to feel inadequate and to push one’s self to get better. To our utter shock, it seems there is indeed a trait shared between thineself and her after all.
 
Luna might have backhoofed Chrysalis when she did a double-take.
 
>As it stands, we will not betray this… session to anyone else. We actually only came to ask thee a question concerning Fifty-Six.
 
That trademark sneer of a grin formed over chitinous lips. Finally, back in her territory.
 
“Oh, is there now? How odd that you bring up your number one fan, because there’s a meeting with him that I’ve just been dying to have….”
 
>...We suspect so, but there is no need to hasten thineself as he is currently making his way over to speak with thee himself.
 
“Hm. Smart bug, he is.”
 
>Indeed. We only ask that he be allowed to approach thee, not the other way around. He is exhibiting great bravery by seeking thee out.
 
“Well, see, there’s two things wrong there, Lunar Cougar. For one, signs of bravery from one of my drones, especially aimed at me, is usually met with a stomping out. If one shows bravery, they all show bravery, and then you have a grand case of anarchy. So, you know, strike one there. And two, even if he did chose not to seek me out, I would find the little fool regardless. Either way it goes, he’s easily… apprehended.”
 
The outline of Luna’s jaw was prominent as she clenched her teeth.
 
“Buuuut, I’m not exactly stupid. Were I to go get him against your humble request, I’ve no doubt you would make my little hobby here public knowledge. And, of course, that would have tragic outcomes that neither of us want.”
 
>Least of all you.
 
It was almost audible, the sound of Chrysalis’s eyes widening, the rush of rage building.
 
“…You dare threaten me-”
 
>Kindly step down off thine pedestal, thinking thineself worthy of receiving a threat from us. We simply wanted to act like thee and give an answer thou would have given. Now doth thou see how easily such an attitude upsets? That is thee, nearly every time thou speaks.
 
“…”
 
>We suggest thee return to studying. Indefatigable is going to take quite awhile to master, it would make a grand test to use against Fifty-Six when he arrives, no? And do clean those glasses, the lenses are absolutely filthy. Until next time… Chrysalis.
 
The door closed behind Luna’s ethereal tail and in silence Chrysalis stood.
 
In silence, she glanced down at her book, knocked open to her current word.
 
In silence, she reclaimed both her hair band and her glasses.
 
In silence, she cleaned the lenses.
 
In silence… she returned to studying.
 
“…me and her are nothing alike. Nothing….”
 
~~~
 
[Variant 2]
>Luna
“Chrysalis”
~~~~~
 
Even after staring for the better half of an hour, Luna still couldn’t believe it, and she’d been staring pretty hard, from all sorts of different angles at that.
 
Being the mare of the night, Luna was well-versed at moving tacitly, effortlessly blending in with the shadows her brilliant moon created.
 
Of course, such mastery amounted to pretty much nil when the subject of her thus far astounded gaze was also just as well-versed at the art of ghosting.
 
Which meant Luna’s presence had been realized, taken into account, and then summarily dismissed without so much as a verbal acknowledgement.
 
…How this creature managed to exude her pretentious attitude even without speaking was a mystery to Luna, but she continued to remain silent, continued to stare.
 
Because there was no Mother-given way that Chrysalis could be… studying?
 
The attire was there, sure… the ponytail, the glasses-
 
Wait, what in tartarus was she doing wearing glasses?
 
>Art thou in literal need of such eyewear, or was the need to get in character that great?
 
A teal tail flickered.
 
“And lo, she doth speak. I was just beginning to consider hanging a picture off your horn, make you a true piece of wall.”
 
>If thou art eager to lose thine hoof then by all means, touch us.
 
“Well, there’s a shocker. Less than four minutes in and already hitting me with…
 
A page flipped in the dictionary Chrysalis was currently sifting through and she narrowed her eyes at a certain word.
 
“With… comminations? Did I use that right? Lessee… HA! I remembered! There’s a Shiny hug right there!”
 
>…What nonsense be this?
 
There was no amount of smug lost when Chrysalis pushed up her glasses, never once glancing back yet smirking all the same.
 
“To answer your first question, peddy, my eyesight is borderline terrible. Not ‘oh Hivemind, I can’t see four feet in front of me’ but it’s not great either.”
 
The term ‘peddy’ went in one ear and right out the other, only drawing a slight frown from the lunar princess.
 
>Then why not avail thineself of them more often?
 
“Oooh, avail? There’s one, that’s definitely a new one right there, let me just make a quick note real quick annnnnnd….”
 
Flip, flip, flip.
 
Flippity.
 
Flip, fli-
 
“Okay, saved for later. Now then, why the hell do you think I haven’t worn them? Because all this sexiness would be marred by such drab attire, that’s why!”
 
She had dragged out the word ‘marred’, once more flipping through her dictionary to check for correct usage.
 
“HA! TWO Shiny hugs!”
 
>…Thou wouldst chose personal image over practicality?
 
Flip, flip, flippity, fli-
 
“Ah. Yes.”
 
>We will never understand thee….
 
“Then everything is going according to plan! MWAHAHAHAHAHAH- but no, I just had my fill of being called ‘dorkalis’ and ‘geekbug’ back when I was younger. Shit got real annoying real fast, there was much choking, let me tell you. Besides, I’m a Queen. If I can’t see it then I just get it brought to me.”
 
>Or, OR, just put on thine damnable eyewear.
 
“Distracts from the ass. I know, that’s impossible because it’s so ginormous but still, all focus should be on the booty.”
 
She gave her black, chitinous tush a teasing wiggle, beginning to hum as she circled a particular word.
 
“And to answer your second question, you nosy little pony-"
 
>We are of the same height-
 
“-I’m boning up on new words to throw at my subjects. If we’re to make a decent living here, or wherever, a stellar vocabulary is a must for proper communication annnnd…”
 
Flippity, flip, flippers, fli-
 
“Transactions! HA, booyah, baby! THREE Shiny hugs! He’s gonna be minus a spine when I get through!”
 
While that might be a well thought-out truth at its center, Luna had been alive for a great many years, and had seen her fair share of civilizations rise and fall, so she knew exactly what the queen of changelings really meant.
 
And it was with great reluctance that she began to sport something of an appreciative smirk.
 
>We… commend thee.
 
“On my ass? Are you looking? HA! So not only are you a cradle-robbing princess, but you also-”
 
It was almost as if Chrysalis had never began with her jibe when Luna continued.
 
>As acting Queen, thou has every right to approach thine subjects and speak to them the facts as they are, that their education will only happen through thee to sever the possibility of an uprising through knowledge. But no… thou wouldst choose to take the more amicable route of giving them another reason, a moral-boosting reason at that. We never thought we would speak these words to thee of all creatures but… we are impressed.
 
Flip, flippity, flip, fli-
 
“As am I with your… induh… faggot… guhble? That’s not right. Nope, not at all. I’ll come back to you, bitch, you and your thirteen-letter ass. What’s another word… ah! As am I with your unrelenting idiocy. …I already knew that word but Shiny doesn’t need to know that, HA! Anyway, you’re half correct, pedo-horse. I am queen. Right. That I’m sparing their feelings. Wrong. It would just be a pain in my sexy ass to gather them all up- again- just to have a meeting about nonsense. That’s all.”
 
>…
 
It was on the tip of Luna’s tongue to point out that the alternative, either holding vocabulary classes or going to each changeling for individual lessons, would be equally cumbersome, if not more so.
 
But she didn’t. Because somehow, she knew Chrysalis was already of that.
 
“Besides, this is really to keep them alive. If they learned too much, hivemind forbid they use a word I don’t know yet, then I’d have to kill ‘em, HA! There can only be one smart bitch in this hive, and that’s a seat only my ass can fill, thank you very much!”
 
>Hm. We have yet to see another so two-faced about their affection.
 
The change in atmosphere was so instantaneous and paramount that, to Luna, it felt as if gravity had somehow increased.
 
She could see only one pupil, one very wide, very constrained pupil as Chrysalis glanced over her shoulder.
 
“Affection equates to care… which could equate to some base-level love. And there is not a drop of that to be found. Yes, I keep them alive on love, but I do NOT love them. Wayward, rouge, and rowdy they may be, they are my subjects. My minions. My chess pieces. And I will fucking move them… and play them… and discard them as the need arises. Do you desire an example of such a need, Princess? Shall I summon one here now and crush their skull to paste to show you the distinction between high and low? It would take but a flicker of magic.”
 
One of Luna’s vast wings suddenly extended itself.
 
The act was seemingly involuntary yet Luna continued to keep that sole wing extended.
 
>Whatever befalls thine hive is thine business. Whether thee seek to improve it or diminish it, our concern remains bereft of-
 
“HA!”
 
That sharp, barking laugh would forever be grating, Luna realized as she fell silent.
 
“Distinction! Didn’t even have to second-glance the definition! Four! Count ‘em, FOUR hugs now!”
 
The marker slid across her book, another word conquered.
 
“Now then, we’re both adept at grandstanding, Lunaphile. And we both know I would not decrease my hive’s number just to prove a point to a lowly princess such a yourself. But, most importantly… we both know that despite your lackadaisical attitude, there is one of my precious chess pieces that you care about. Very deeply.”
 
As Chrysalis returned attention back to her dictionary, her tone might have suggested the two of them were taking an easy stroll through the park.
 
And very slowly, Luna’s wing began to fold back into her side.
 
>Despite the endearing nickname bestowed upon us, we appreciate the use of the word ‘care’.
 
“Is that truly all it is?”
 
>To be any further would put some inkling of truth into thine’s asinine assumptions of us.
 
“So, were I to summon the little fool here right now and discard him for such flagrant disobedience, you would not bat an eyelash?”
 
>…Is that a newly learned word there? Flagrant? Congratulations.
 
“Five hugs, Lunaphile. At ten, I can trade them in for a kiss on the cheek.”
 
>Thine’s infatuation with a married stallion to this extent is something we find both detestable and confusing.
 
“What a jolly coincidence. I find your romps with one of my smaller, foal-based minions a tad on the detestable side as well. Borderline disgusting at times, really.”
 
>Yet, oddly, we are not the one who brainwashed and essentially raped their affection.
 
“Affection, hm? He’s your affection now?”
 
>Fifty-Six is a creature we have affection for, indeed. We wholly understand how a queen with such twisted mental sparks can get the definition confused, despite having a dictionary at the ready.
 
“Strangely, the definition I see here omits dressing up in lacy ribbon and letting him deep kiss your ass on a regular basis. If that’s just affection then thinking what love would grant him quite frankly makes my stomach flip. It almost beckons me to discard the poor thing to protect him.”
 
>Thou wouldst come to such a depraved state of reasoning.
 
“Sometimes you gotta kill to save, HA!”
 
>We were wondering when that word would finally be uttered. So doth thee plan to make an example out of Fifty-Six?
 
Flip, flippity, flip, flap, fli-
 
“And if we do plan as such?”
 
Luna’s heart throbbed with such force her body twitched.
 
>…Wouldst thou prefer the honest answer, or the answer that one of our position is expected to give?
 
Flip, flip.
 
“Oh, by all means, Lunabait, be honest. You tactfully avoided the question earlier, don’t think I didn’t notice, you shy thing you.”
 
>…Regardless of thine’s insufferable attitude, we find it admirable… the lengths taken to strengthen thine’s hive. But we feel it only just to warn thee that if Fifty-Six did perish by thine’s hoof….
 
At her slight pause, the most sinister of smiles began to split the face of the changeling queen.
 
“Yeeeeees?”
 
>We would eat cake.
 
Fli-
 
“What?”
 
The page-flipping came to a pause as well, a longer pause than Luna’s.
 
>Well, to be exact… First, we would leave this room and seek out the main chef of our kitchen, and have them order us some cake. Moon Rock cake, a rare delicacy that tickles our palette just so. If thou hath yet to try it, do so, it’s fantastic. After that, we would seek out Shining Armor-
 
“HA! That’s a good one! Fucking genius, Lunaphile! Wait, wait, wait, let me guess, you’d start pleading and begging him to have me change my mind, right? ‘Abloobloobloo Sh-shiny get the big bad bug to st-st-stoooop!’”
 
Another barking laugh followed and the page-flipping resumed.
 
“Predictable as always, Lunaphile. Not to mention adorable, diving right behind the biggest shield of Equestri-”
 
>HA!
 
The Royal Canterlot Voice blared in full effect as Luna copied that infamous laugh, lifting and stamping a hoof.
 
>Now look who is the adorable one! We would seek Shining Armor out, yes, but not to grovel… merely to borrow his camera.
 
The page-flipping resumed, albeit half-heartedly.
 
“Huh, I never would have pegged as you as that disturbed, wanting to take commemorative photos of the act, but to each her own. Or perhaps… you would distribute them to-”
 
>Let us repeat, whatever befalls thine hive… is thine business. We meant that. There exists no power or care within us to govern what thou does with thine subjects. We would actually lose what little respect we have if thou allowed a third party to sway thine’s decision on the matter. No, we would seek out Shining Armor’s camera because on it are pictures of Fifty-Six from some of our outings.
 
“…And? That saves him how?”
 
Luna blinked.
 
>It… doesn’t? It’s not supposed to. As we were saying, we would print a few out and stick them to the wall within our room, and light a candle underneath. It would be but one of a few thousand lit, only one in a blazing sea of other lives we’ve had taken from us in a variety of ways during our long life. And then, when our specially ordered cake arrived, we would eat it in commemoration of the bouncy little changeling who tried to get us to diet properly.
 
The smallest of giggles escaped the lunar princess.
 
>He would never know we often cheated but still….
 
For the first time since Luna had entered the room, Chrysalis was facing her, body and all, sitting back on her haunches and staring with eyes that exuded a cold nothingness.
 
“Touching. But why the warning?”
 
>Because we would not move until the entire cake was gone, so the duties of lifting and lowering the moon would fall upon our sister, and she has been known to goof that responsibility more than once.
 
 
Still, Chrysalis stared.
 
Her mouth twitched.
 
“HA! Hahahaha! And they call us changelings cruel! From Applejack to her little secret footstool of an agent right down to you… it’s fucking ironic how the black creatures of love-sucking nightmares are far superseded in heartlessness by ponies! Just… shit! After all the fun he’s brought you, that’s all you would do for him in return? Light fucking candles and eat some cake?”
 
>Lives blur in and out of our vision with surprising haste. The best we can do is light a candle and remember them.
 
Suddenly, between the two titans there flickered something, for only an instant.
 
“…You know what? Fuck your haste. And fuck killing him. If all he’s worth in your eyes is a dime-store cake and a cheap candle, he’ll live. Just so he can wake up one day and see what shit his princess is, of how little she thinks of him. If he wants to keep seeing you, fine. I’ll let him. When the truth comes out, and he realizes the time he wasted on you, that’ll be worse than anything I could have ever done.”
 
Disbelief.
 
Then a shed of hesitance.
 
>…So doth thou still need to mix words with him?
 
Now Chrysalis blinked, like that was the most insipid question she’d ever heard.
 
“Of course. He defied me. Openly. He’ll live through the scolding but he won’t soon forget it.”
 
>And then…?
 
“He can go back to doing whatever the hell it was he’d been doing before. Which I hope was following you around like a lovesick puppy. It’ll make the pain of heartbreak that much more suitable for his crimes.”
 
>…We thank thee… Chrysalis.
 
Hearing that accursed name pass through her lips was like glass cutting into Luna’s ears.
 
Fortunately, caught up in the act, Chrysalis herself missed it.
 
“Thank… me? HA, what? You just essentially handed Fifty-Six his own punishment and you’re thanking ME?”
 
Staring incredulously as though Luna had grown a second head, Chrysalis abruptly turned, settled back down before her dictionary, licked her hoof, and flicked a page.
 
“Begone.”
 
Not wanting to press the matter, Luna dipped her head and left the room, waiting until the door had closed with that glaring click before heaving a sigh and bringing a hoof to her mouth.
 
She felt nauseous.
 
Utterly, uncontrollably nauseous.
 
Those words earlier… they had been the truth, yes, but she never thought they would have been spoken in reference to Fifty-Six.
 
Just the thought of losing him, of having to go through those horrible motions, only ever able to see his beaming face through a frame… She could feel her hooves quivering in their gilded shoes and swallowed.
 
>Steady yourself, Luna… wait until we’re home to collapse. Chin up, head back….
 
As she marched back through the Empire’s castle, covering her jitters with falsified smiles and salutations, she realized Chrysalis had been right about one thing.
 
The two of them… were very well adept at grandstanding.
 
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 
Non-Canon
>Pinkie
"Applejack"
~~~~~
>Welcome to Not Late Night /pa/ with your host Pinkie Pie! It's during this time that content does matter, but this looks like a job for me, so everypony just follow me! Now for our main guest...APPLEJACK!!!
 
"Howdy."
 
>Applejack, what big hooves you have.
 
"The better to hug you with, sugarcube."
 
>Applejack...what a big wings you have.
 
"The better to shade you from the sun with, sugarcube."
 
>Applejack...what a big horn you have.
 
"The better to move the spotlight away from you with, sugarcube."
 
>NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!
Applejack wakes up.
 
"Huh...that was different."
 
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 
>Dash
“Fluttershy”
'???'
~~~~
 
>...Uh, Fluttershy-
 
“I noticed.”
 
“Kind of hard not to.”
 
>Oh, good. Just worried about that. You okay?
 
“It's fine.”
 
“Totally fine.”
 
The azure mare winced, mentally flipping a coin to try and guess which of the two heads sprung up on her friend's shoulders she was supposed to respond to, while also simultaneously trying to force down the giggles at the thought that her head looked like two pompoms.
 
>...Rah rah she's our mare, does crazy shit without a care.
 
“I care immensely.”
 
Internally, she cursed. She had been hoping to keep that one quiet enough she wouldn't hear, but she supposed it was stupid to expect the mare known for being quiet not to be adapt at hearing quiet noises.
 
>Sorry, just trying to lighten the mood.
 
“Thank you for the effort.”
 
>...You, uh, you want to go flying or something? Helps me take the edge off.
 
“I think I'd throw her off balance.”
 
“I don't think I'm very areodynamic right now.”
 
“That and I would look embarrassing.”
 
“Everypony would laugh at me.”
 
>Hey! Don't say stuff like that, anyone gives you a hard time, I'll show them what a real hard time is! BAM! WONDERBOLT PUNCH!
 
The giggle was short, but she was oh so thankful to hear it again.
 
“Thank's, Dash.”
 
“You're a good friend.”
 
She deflated just a bit, not really feeling that.
 
>...Just wish I could help with this too. Can't exactly punch chaos.
 
“We're sorry.”
 
She deflated even more, leaning hard against her desk.
 
>Yeah... I guess.
 
“...But that's okay.”
 
Her ears flickered back, in tune with the confusion on her face.
 
>It is?
 
“Yeah, it is.”
 
“Because just knowing someone wants to help means a lot.”
 
“And besides, you don't have to fix it.”
 
>What? Why?
 
'kkaaaaaa...'
 
>...What the hell is that-
 
'SLAMALAMA!'
 
The pegasus nearly leapt out of her chair as the Queen made her entrance, flourishing in without a single care.
 
>DAMN IT, CHRYSALIS!
 
'BOOM BABY!... Ah, fuck, this again?'
 
“Hello, Chrysalis.'”
 
“Could you help? I think I'm bothering her.”
 
“Oh no, it's not trouble.”
 
“No, I insist, it's hard to look left with me there.”
 
“Well we do keep bumping noses, are you sure?”
 
“I'm sure. If that's okay with you.”
 
“It's only okay with me if it's okay with you.”
 
“Well I-”
 
'AM GETTING ZOTZED! ZOTZ!'
 
In a flash of green magic, the yellow mare was back to normal... well, mostly normal. As normal as she got for her.
 
“Thank you!”
 
'HAH! Love doing that.... YOU!'
 
Dash cocked an eyebrow, leaning back in her chair with a huff.
 
>Me.
 
'The fuck was up with that thing with my pancakes!?'
 
>...Oh... OHHH! Right, forgot about that.
 
“Thing?”
 
>I mixed her pancakes with glue.
 
'IT TASTED HORRIBLE!'
 
“Oh, Chrysalis, it's not so bad, Dash just likes to have fun sometimes! Her pranking you means she likes you.”
 
'Wait, really?'
 
>...Sure, let's go with that.
 
She didn't look totally convinced, but at the same time...
 
'..Pfft, whatever. Come, Flutterbutter! We have stuff to do, chaos stuff. You're getting more chaosy, and it's pretty noticable.'
 
“Am I, really?”
 
“You are kind of. By the way, could you move our hair? It tickles.”
 
She rolled her head to the side, revealing yet another face on her back.
 
“Thank you-”
 
'MINDZOTZ!'
 
“...Thank you!”
 
'You, me, chaos training, NOW.'
 
“Oh, um...”
 
'Got something else to do?'
 
“No, um... c-... can Dash come with us, this time?”
 
 
She glanced over to the surprised, but still somewhat stoic looking pegasus. It was no secret that in recent matters, the wonderbolt captain had been quite on Applejack's side, and quite rewarding of her fellow fliers who had stood up against her, but...
 
'...Whatever, could use a meatsheild.'
 
“Oh, thank you!... come on, Dash! Now you can help!”
 
Surprised, the mare did as asked, rising up on her forelegs.
 
>...Yeah, might be fun.
 
'Fun? HAH! You have no idea. COME! I know just the spot. It shall be quite... enlightening...'
 
Green fire began to swirl around her, casting a dark shadow on her face.
 
While Dash felt like gulping, Fluttershy, on the other hand, seemed to prefer giggling.
 
“So, it's all silly looking?”
 
'….Must you take the fire out of my sails?'
 
“You look silly when you do that!”
 
'Says the previously two headed mare.'
 
“Oh, stop.”
 
>Hey, uh...
 
Wearily, Dash scooched away from the green flames.
 
>Is this going to hurt?
 
'...hahah... ahahaha.... AHAHAH! AHHHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAH!'
 
>...
 
“She means no, it's actually really fun.”
 
'KILLJOY!'
 
To the sound of Fluttershy's quiet giggles, they left.
 
And Dash had to admit... it was a little fun.
 
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 
>Chitania
"PM"
'???'
~~~
 
They made the worlds strangest pair.
 
The Titanic changeling of power, huge and intimidating and nothing but frowns. Beneath her, practically glued to her side, was the lithe and prim, pretty little thing with a bounce in her step and a beaming smile on her face. One carried the popcorn that was clearly only being eaten by the larger one who had her own nose in a book, but she had no complaints, just happy to serve. Together they walked down the streets, not a care to the ponies who leapt out of their way or the machines that occasionally pointed weapons at them. Not a hint of fear, be it from the bulletproof monster or the much squishier little one. Not a hint of fear from them.
 
'OH SHIT!'
 
Plenty from the one in their path.
 
The tangy, distinctive voice was enough to make even Chitania look up from her book and to the figure trying, desperately, to pull something out of her way.
 
'ARE YOU SERIOUS!? This thing can take a machine gun fire but it CAN'T ROLL UP A FREAKING CURB!?'
 
Surprisingly, the longer she watched the one in front of her, the more the Titan slowly, carefully, lowered her book. Her eyes grew just a bit wider as she watched, honestly surprised.
 
All the while, a sound kept ringing in her head.
 
"...Oh my goooooosshh!"
 
The sound of an infant giggling.
 
A changeling infant.
 
Her companion shot forwards, helping the frantic changeling to move the stroller onto the curb. So surprised by her help, he found himself frozen in shock as she cooed over the giggling little thing, eyes wide with wonder at what she was seeing.
 
"SHE'S SO CUUUUUTTTTTTTTEEEE!"
 
'U-uh... t-thanks?'
 
"OOOH WOOKIT HER WIDDLE CHEEKS!"
 
'Please don't poke my baby.'
 
"Whoops! Sorry!... WOOKIT HEERRRRR!"
 
With all the attention, she just giggled away.
 
>So... this is the child.
 
The booming, rumbling voice snapped the starstruck changeling from his thoughts, and instantly he covered her.
 
'N-NO! UH... THIS IS A...A...'
 
>Calm yourself, as if I cared about your second hand spawn.
 
'YOU TAKE THAT BACK!'
 
Even her companion of questionable job status dropped her jaw in shock when the positively tiny by comparison changeling pointed threateningly at her.
 
'SHE IS THE MOST CUTEST SPECIALIST BABY ON THE PLANET AND YOU DON'T KNOW! PLPLPPLPLPLP!'
 
Someone blowing a raspberry at her was new.
 
She did not like it.
 
>...You are of her hive. My sisters.
 
He went white, realizing right away what he had done.
 
'Uh... u-uh....'
 
>No need to lie. Were you there, when it happened?
 
He shook, shook like a leaf in place, unable to move or breath.
 
>I suppose you must have been...
 
She craned her neck forwards, looking down into the carriage. He tried to cover his child again, of course, but she just looked on, a single eye trained on the infant.
 
And then that infant picked this exact moment to start crying.
 
Whoever could guess why.
 
'Y-you... uh... you're scaring my baby.'
 
"Awww, poor thing. She ain't that scary, hun!"
 
'...I'm going to challenge you on that.'
 
"She ain't!"
 
The Titan ignored their back and forth and remained looking at her, thoughtful, distant, unfocused.
 
>...She is healthy.
 
And then it was gone, and she pulled away.
 
>Be thankful for that.
 
Her friend shook out of her shock the moment she saw the beast began to step away, and was on her tail in a moment.
 
"Nice talkin' ta' ya'! She's cute!"
 
'...Thanks? You uh... you seem nice too.'
 
"Thanks!"
 
The moment, the instant they were away, Dadling tore off as fast as he could.
 
The baby loved every second.
 
Her companion moved back into place, just in time for a hoof to come down and get a swipe of popcorn, and the book to go back up.
 
"Wasn't she a cutie, Chitty?"
 
>...I've seen cuter...
 
She didn't ask about that, didn't pry, didn't question.
 
She just stayed by her side, and kept that popcorn level.
 
Just the right height for the changeling... who only pretended to read that book.
 
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 
>Watchdog
"Train Staff"
'???'
 
>This is some bullshit!
 
"I'm sorry, sir, but due to your activities, we're going to have to reassign you to the baggage car."
 
>I AM NOT AN ANIMAL!
 
"No one's saying that."
 
>...
 
"We're saying you're pretty much a robot."
 
>I got my head, man, I got my head, and my organs! I'm not a machine!
 
"Really, because when you were throwing the small armored pony around earlier you were singing 'I'm a machine I'm a machine, look at me do this cool sh-stuff, I'm a machine'."
 
>...wow, you got a good memory.
 
"It was fifteen minutes ago."
 
>I DON'T LIVE IN THE PAST!
 
"No you don't, until we reach our destination, you live in this car, good day."
 
Click.
 
>...jerk.
 
'Heightened anxiety levels detected.'
 
>Wha?
 
Watchdog looks over his shoulder into the depths of the baggage car...where two blue lights regard him under a white tarp.
 
>The heck?
 
'Can this unit be of assistance?'
 
Watchdog took a step towards the covered figure, grabbing the tarp and yanking it off to reveal...
 
'Good evening.'
 
A robotic gryphon, standing stoically on a platform, still regarding him with the beaming blue eyes.
 
'I am a Fawntaine Brand Aerodroid, pleased to make your acquaintance.'
 
>...ooh, this train just got cooler.
 
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 
CD
>PD
"Coltsly"
 
To say it was surprising her boss had barged into her office was an understatement. To say it was surprising her boss barged into her office with the biggest painted on smile in history would also be an understatement.
 
>Well if it isn't my rising star, how are you today?
 
"Uh...fine?"
 
>Super, just, just super. Listen, I've been hearing about a new neighbor you have.
 
"Hm? Oh yes, Mr. 32, he's heading up a changeling embassy here after they all left."
 
>If he's here then they haven't allll left, obviously.
 
"Well of course not, there's at least...hmm, how many are there now? I want to say four, no no, five, if you count the one who works in Ponyville. That's not counting the ones who visit and-"
 
>Of course! But I hear you've 'altered' the 'programming' of our droids towards those...'people'.
 
"...you did air quotes a lot there."
 
>I'm just curious why you've altered all our fine products, is all.
 
"Oh, well I found this bug in the programming-rather odd phrasing considering the situation- but it had our droids targeting changelings willy nilly."
 
>...Really?
 
"Yeah, and considering one of the changelings that had been getting targeted was an infant, I didn't want to send a bad message that we condone that sort of thing."
 
>Of course...we don't 'condone' the killing of children...inpublic.
 
"What was that last bit?"
 
>Oh nothing nothing, but what do you intend to do about your 'neighbor'?
 
"Oh I'm not sure, I believe I'll see him during Mr. Pants' soiree come friday, perhaps I should introduce myself? Get to know him."
 
>Of cooourse, get to 'know' him, really 'ingratiate' yourself, why not send him a 'care package' while you're at it?
 
"Oh good idea, actually, let him know there's no hard feelings."
 
>'Yes' no 'hard' 'feelings'.
 
"...am, am I not picking up on a subtext here or..."
 
>No at 'all'-wait, no, I did those at the wrong time. Just 'handle' him in your own 'unique' way, Frank's files on you said you were quite the 'up and comer'.
 
"Aw, Frank was a sweetheart. Little rough around the law, but I think that was growing up in the Hartland. I miss him, Ms. Pennydrop, really I do, he gave me that job heading up his warehouse in Baltimare and then you came along with this promotion. I owe pretty much everything to you and him."
 
>Oh yes, I'm sure you're 'grateful'. Er, grateful. Just 'take care' of the changeling, and we'll call it all even.
 
"Thanks boss."
 
>No 'problem'. No 'problem' at all.
 
Pennydrop, eyes narrowed, slowly slid back out of the room.
 
"...I feel like she was trying to tell me something. Ooh, Shamrock? Be a dear and fix up that zuchinni salad recipe Lady Firmament gave us a few days ago, he's sure to enjoy that."
 
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 
Non-Canon
>Pinkie
"Twilight"
~~~~
>Welcome to Late Night /pa/ with your host Pinkie Pie! It's during this time that content doesn't matter and there's no real point! Now for our main guest...TWILIGHT!!!
 
"..."
 
>Don't make such a frownie face! Are you hungry for some pancakes?
 
"I'm just not in the mood to-"
 
>Humor me pleeeeease? I'm in Limbo right now and can't get a canon spotlight. At this rate, I'll have to hire a changeling intern to pose as me.
 
"*sigh*...fine, yes. I guess I'm a little hungry for so-"
 
>That's our show for tonight! I need to go because I'm going to wake up friend-
Twilight wakes up to Pinkie in her face.
>and give her some pancakes!
 
"...But these are waffles."
 
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 
 >Actarius
"JJ"
~~~
 
>Would you stop bouncing so hard? It's hurting my hips.
 
"NOPE! I'M BOUNCING WITH ALLLLLL I'VE GOT! OH YEAHHHHH!"
 
>Look, I know you-oof-know you missed me, but this is a little much.
 
"THERE IS NO MUCH MUCH ENOUGH THAT CAN DESCRIBE THIS!"
 
>Well, I'm sure there's A much enough, if you know what I mean.
 
"I DON'T BUT EEEEEEE!"
 
>Yeah, that sound about right.
 
"BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCEBOUNCEBOUNCEBOOOOOUNCE... HNN! Awww..."
 
>Uh... sorry. Kind of got started before you arrived, didn't think you'd show up this fast.
 
"No no, it's fine."
 
>You sure? I can, you know, help you out so you have fun too.
 
"Naahh, it's fine, just glad we're back together again."
 
>Heh, yeah...
 
"..."
 
>...Sorry.
 
"It's fine."
 
>No, it's not.
 
Wearily, he got off the now very broken bed.
 
>They're going to make me pay for that.
 
"Can we buy one? BOUNCING IS SO FUN!"
 
>It really, really is.
 
"...Since it's broken anyway..."
 
>Bouncing and Juggling?
 
"DADADADADA-"
 
>HEEEHEEHEE!
 
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 
>2
"Teacher"
'Students'
~~~
 
"Okay! Today, class, we're going to be learning about... what in the Empire?"
 
>Are 'sposed ta' guess?
 
'OH OH! Ahhhhhh... crystals?'
 
'Everything is about crystals with you!'
 
'I AM A MAGICAL SPARKLING CRYSTAL PONY, what the crickle cracks else am I going to talk about?!'
 
"LANGUAGE!... I THINK!"
 
'I just made up funny words, how is that bad?'
 
>Cracks was already a word.
 
'Point proven!'
 
'So what does crickle mean?'
 
'I don't know!'
 
>Shiny says when ya' make up a word it's cause yer' a kid and don't know no better.
 
'WHY DON'T YOU JUST MARRY SHINY IF YOU LOVE HIM SO MUCH!?'
 
>Cause that'd be silly.
 
"She'd probably have to get in line at this point anyway."
 
'Teacheeeer! You're mumbling again!'
 
'You said to make us stop you if you did.'
 
>WAIT A MINUTE!
 
"..."
'...'
 
>...What was ya' gonna say!?
 
"...I have absolutely no idea."
 
'...'
 
>HAH!
 
'Okay, you doing that was really scary for some reason.'
 
"Yeah, please don't-OH CRAP RIGHT THE FIRE!"
 
>The what?
 
"One of the statues was on fire!"
 
'...How.'
 
"...That is a very good question..."
 
>'".........."'
 
*FWOOSH!*
 
"CRAP!"
 
'This is probably a good time to say I didn't do my homework.'
 
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 
>18
"Dash"
'AJ'
~~~
 
>And that's how you properly file forms forty three through sixty seven. Now we get to move on to uniforms!
 
"AJ! AJ HELP!"
 
'Ah'm just enjoyin' the show.'
 
"AJ! I need a favor! Big favor! Favor for alllllll the favors I've ever favored in your favor!"
 
'Pretty sure Ah' outnumber ya' in those by a lot.'
 
"I need you... to pick up that book... and not stop swinging until I am DEAD."
 
'Nope.'
 
"NOT VERY LOYAL THERE!"
 
'Ah'm honesty, yer' loyalty.'
 
"You know what? All those assholes who say we got our Elements mixed up are MORONS! Pure, unrefined, MORONS!"
 
'Says the gal who once tried ta' pawn off Fluttershy workin' fer' someone."
 
'One time! One time I nearly make Fluttershy look after a two headed animal without reward or compensation, and I'm not loyal."
 
'Ya'll also didn't back Twi back at the weddin'.'
 
"NEITHER DID YOU!"
 
'Nope, Ah' HONESTLY thought she was actin' crazy.'
 
"...hate."
 
>Oh, shoot, looks like you accidentally forgot to capitalize your name on this one, you're going to have to redo the whole thing!
 
"...AJ! GET THE GUN!"
 
'Nope, and that's the honest truth.'
 
"HATE!"
 
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 
>Vekir
"Siegfried"
'Gwen'
-Bob-
~Aerus~
 
>Okay, okay yes, Vekir's stomach has returned to non-disgustingness. I make many apologies for what happened.
 
"Good, that was gross."
 
'Oh do be quiet, she didn't get any on you.'
 
-It was mostly in her helmet, must have been a real pain to wash out.-
 
>The stench will follow Vekir to the grave.
 
The Morlock hung her head low.
 
>I am ashamed.
 
-Oh come now, child- -
 
>I am-
 
"'She is-'"
 
>"'-not a child! ...'"
 
>Thank you.
 
'You're welcome.'
 
"Yeesh."
 
-Still, I'm sure we've all had motion sickness at some point or another, all a part of life as my dad used to say...along with 'One day I'll burn this pony pigsty to the ground' but that one was mostly when he'd had a biiiiit too much to- -
 
"Too much information, sales guy."
 
-My apologies. But perhaps I could propose something to lighten the mood?-
 
"If this is another sales pitch, I'm going to scream..."
 
-Not at all, but the little pony here is going to the capitol to learn about gryphons, yes? Why not regale her with what began this tradition in the first place? Surely you royals would know the tale.-
 
"Of course mom knows the story, she's all kinds of a history freak."
 
'Excuse me?'
 
"Uhm...well I mean..."
 
'How about YOU tell the story. Considering the amount of noble houses that are sticklers for tradition, making you're not a braindead imbecile when it comes to our history might not be a bad idea.'
 
"Seriously?"
 
'...'
 
"Crud."
 
>Tell me the story, Prince of Catbirds!
 
"...would ya get out of my lap first?"
 
>Never, it is comfy here.
 
"Riiight. Okay, here we go, the story of Six Kingdoms, the Dragon Scourge, and the First Kingsmoot."
 
We Now Take You To A Special /pa/ Presentation:
 
History with Siegfried!
 
Today's Episode, The History of the Gryphon Kingdoms, Part 1: Dragons Are Total Assholes
 
"Okay, so a really long ass time ago, like, y'know how Princess Moonshine Sparklebutt-"
 
'Luna, you cad.'
 
"Right, that one, she got locked up for a thousand years? This was like a thousand before that. Long time, so anyway, there wasn't much in the way of unity among gryphons-shocking, I know-it was mostly some clans feuding with some other clans over someone stealing someone else's favorite ax...or running off with a chief's daughter."
 
"Blah blah blah wars, blah blah blah weddings, blah blah blah wars resulting from weddings and vice versa, WHOLE LOTTA SCREWING AND SHANKING! Got it?"
 
>Vekir is hanging on your every word.
 
"Good good, so around this time, the Kingdoms start to pop up, mostly because folks started noticing the chiefs owned a lot of land. There were eight to start with, but then one turned out to be super tiny so they kind of just annexed the place before it did much. So then there were seven, right? Okay, here's where shit gets wacky, y'know my last name?"
 
>Ulf Grifflefiffle.
 
'Af Gryphonia.'
 
"Yeah, that, it's Old High Gryphon speak for 'Of Gryphonia', because Gryphonia was one of the Kingdoms, along with Griffheim, Griffonstone, Gryphearth, Gryphland, Griffhelm-no relation to Griffheim-, and The Empire of the Roc. Nobody liked those last guys. So hey, guess what happens when there's seven fucking Kingdoms all trying to be the head honcho of Gryphondom? EVEN MORE SCREWING AND SHANKING!"
 
=You're being very uncouth about this, my Prince.=
 
'Let him be, this is the closest he's come to having an intellect in a while.'
 
"Besides, the cave pony isn't going to understand stuff like lineages and casus belli, but she does understand the shanking and the screwing, right?"
 
>She muchly understands both of these things!
 
"See? Great. So wars go on, everyone keeps everyone in check, and Griffonstone ends up getting rich because they're sneaky bastards and kept out of the fighting while selling the other guys weapons and mercenaries. But guess what happens when you leave a bunch of gold and jewels lying around? FUCKING DRAGONS!"
 
=The Dragon Scourge.=
 
-Not *A* Scourge *Of* Dragons, mind you, a Dragon *Named* Scourge.-
 
"Because dragons are dickheads with dumb dumb names. Seriously, I defy you to show me a dragon with a name like...Johnny the Dragon. No, it's all Slash and Smash and Stabby. But yeah, old Scourge comes along, pretty much lays waste to Griffonstone and that leaves us with six Kingdoms, all of 'em gaping in terror at this big bastard of a beast. Scourge, of course, believes he is the rightful ruler of all gryphons by right of 'I'll eat anyone who disagrees', so the Old Kings just kind of stand down. But here's where the good part starts."
 
=The sons of the Old Kings rose up. Six mighty warriors who would defy the dragon.=
 
-With golden weapons.-
 
'Feh.'
 
-What?-
 
'I honestly don't care for that detail, gold weapons would never stand against a dragon.'
 
"It's MAGIC gold, thank you. Here's something for your legends, runty, just throw in the word magic and everything works."
 
>This will be remembered.
 
"So anyway, yeah, 'Af Gryphonia' of Gryphonia, that was our ancestor, Magnus. Him and the other five, Osric, Bjorn, Edmund, Rodrick, Olaf, they all set out with their weapons of choice to slay the beast."
 
>Ooooh.
 
"They sneak their way in and, while the dragon was sleeping in its money, as dragons do, they fell upon it-!"
 
=A tremendous battle!=
 
-The stuff legends are made of!-
 
"WHO'S TELLING THIS STORY!? So yeah, the Gryphons fight with all they got, but they were up against a dragon. Edmund, son of the Roc Emperor, went first, gave his life to save Magnus. Then Olaf fell, dislodging three of the dragon's big ole fangs with his warhammer before it snapped him up. Bjorn and Rodrick finally managed to use ax and spear to take out some of the big bastard's scales in his chest, but got ripped apart by the talons."
 
>Gasp!
 
-Exact-wait, why'd you actually say-?-
 
"And then, with a helpful distraction from Olaf and his arrows, Magnus slipped in and stabbed Scourge RIGHT in the chest, down into his disgusting still-beating heart."
 
'Six gryphons went into that monster's cave that day, each a prince of his Kingdom, the two that came out saw each other as brothers forged of a desperate struggle.'
 
"And the people saw their King. Olaf and Magnus returned to find that the lords of their lands had heard of Scrouge's demise and turned against the Kings that had cowered before the dragon's tyranny. As one they gathered in the Gryphonian capitol of Gryphos to decide what would come next for all of Gryphonkind."
 
=The first Kingsmoot.=
 
"There Magnus and Olaf left it to the people to decide, pledging their undying loyalty to each other as brothers born of the dragon's blood."
 
'After weeks of deliberation, it was decided that Magnus, who had struck the killing blow, would be the first High King of all the Gryphon Kingdoms.'
 
"Of course, Olaf ended up marrying in to the family later, think we might actually have some relatives descended from him in some obscure House around here. Long story short, my great great great great great great great grandpa killed a dragon and got elected King."
 
>...Vekir is amazed.
 
"So did I do well or..."
 
'Could have got it worse.'
 
>The history of catbirds is truly great and powerful!
 
"What about you, you little weirdos got anything like that?"
 
>The Morlocks have many stories...mostly about eating things that tried to eat us.
 
"Eh, go figure."
 
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 
 >Jetset
~~~~
 
One would think that after a bit of failure, and nothing but a lot of dead ends, that the first job of the agent would be to report back to his Queen and describe to her the situation. To accept that this might extend slightly beyond his capabilities, and to seek a grander scope of abilities to call upon.
 
Clearly, the ones who thought that were destined to be dropouts.
 
Instead, he had redoubled his efforts, perhaps going a bit beyond what one might call his 'authority' and 'obtaining information' in a variety of ways concerning every single train that had ever passed through Ponyville in the last month.
 
Not that he was bothered, it was very unlikely that the soul he had interrogated would ever recognize him... or speak clearly enough in the next month to articulate the masked pony who had 'spoken' to him for about an hour.
 
Thankfully, it had only taken three such 'interrogations' to find what he was looking for, and he was on his way back to Canterlot. It seems a conductor had recently come into a large 'inheritance' and had finally purchased his dream home in the sterling city of white, home to the most powerful and influential ponies on the planet. He was most fortuitous, not many can claim the uncle they never knew would be so kind. And now, he was set for a long, happy life in his new home...
 
>I'll have to bring him a housewarming gift.
 
Subtly, he brushed off what remained of dried red on his hooves, and readjusted his glasses. Silently, he took his place atop a train to his home city, and waited.
 
>...It would be rude not to congratulate him...
 
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 
 >Spitfire
"SA"
'Guards'
~~~~
 
"So, how's it going?"
 
>Watch this.... DODGE!
 
'OHFUCK!'
'HELP!'
'NOTREADYNOTREADYNOTREADYDOOVER'
 
*CRASH!*
 
>...
 
"...They kind of dodged?"
 
>....
 
"...Hey, it's an improvement."
 
>How the hell did you make these guys a real army?
 
"Uh, 42 mostly did that..."
 
>...
 
"...DODGE!"
 
'FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK'
'NOTAGAIN'
'NOPENOPENOPE'
 
*CRASH!*
 
>...
 
"It's kind of funny-"
 
>DODGE!
 
*SMACK!*
 
"OW!"
 
>Too slow.
 
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________