Title: Thread 4: Stories 31-45 Author: PrincessApplejack Pastebin link: http://pastebin.com/1xJhvMpM First Edit: Thursday 6th of February 2014 01:20:15 AM CDT Last Edit: Thursday 6th of February 2014 01:20:15 AM CDT     _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________   >Applejack 42 "Applejack 29" 'Applejack 2' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   >Well look who it is! And how did your newest venture pan out?   "Well, I'm smarter than before."   >Oh?   "Yep. I now know the exact Changeling not to ask for advice."   ~~~~~flashback~~~~~~   "APPLEJACK 2!"   '...You're new. Hi! Always happy to meet somebody neumpH!'   "Hush that mouth for just a brief moment, my dear oh dear of the Empire, I am in need of advice!"   '...Hmph?'   "I need to know what exactly turns Shining Armor on."   '...HRMPH!?'   "That's right, I see right though your little game. Tried to take over his home, wrecked his wedding and yet somehow you get taken in, get your own little room and free board and meals? Oh please, we both know what's happening here.   '...'   "Oh, I know, you don't want to share. But look at me, seriously look at me! Could I ever settle for anything less than royalty? If they don't have a crown, they're not even worth my time. Just share a bit, I promise I won't break anything."   '...'   "So, how do you do it? Cute little sister routine? Cheerleader outfit? What's his stance on threesomes? Because lord almighty, getting both of them together... YES. Spill your secrets!"   '......I NEED AN ADULT! ALL OF THEM! EVERY ADULT!'   "...Aren't you an adult? Look, I'll do a lot of things, but the little filly act is a bit much-Oh hey, Shining Armor! We were just talking about you! Cadence too! Actually this'll cut down time on... why are there two Cadence-OH DEAR GOD!"   ~~~~~~Present time~~~~~~~~   >....So, when did they say you could walk again?   "Four weeks, if they manage to pull the crown out of there... "   >And the teeth?   "We grow those back, right?... right?" _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________   >Applejack "Applejack 42" 'Spike' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   >So Ah'm thinkin' if we move the funds we were gonna use fer' the railway repair here, and just move them inta' makin' a new one over here, we could shift it so that commute between Apploosa and the Crystal Empire would be cut in half. This way, WE can get at the minerals they dig up way faster.   'Sounds like a plan. What do you want to do about the Changeling?'   >'The' Changeling, like, one of them?   'The one over in the corner of the room, specifically.'   >...How long she been there?   'Lunch, actually. Tried to tell you like, a bunch of times.'   >...Applejack 42? That you?   *Grumbling noises*   >...Ya'll okay honey? Ya' look a little-   "THEY'RE SO STUUUUPIIIIIIHIHIHIIIIIIID!"   >...Ah' sympathize.   "I-I just wanted them to get together and do something important! Break into another building! Fight the guards! Hell, I'd have taken going and stealing some more ice cream, we've been out for weeks!"   >...Sympathy fadin'....   "BUT NO! They've all decided they like it in that ballroom! They like the couch! They like those dumb, dumb movies! And I'm just supposed to handle everything because I can could past four!"   >...Returning...   "I know my Queen wants me to take charge, to get them back into gear so she can rule Canterlot! But they can't even fill out those stupid citizenship papers! THEY'RE ALL SO STUPID!"   >...Ah' am so conflicted.   *Long, drawn out sobs*   *Sobs abruptly stop*   "B-but wait! WAIT A MINUTE!"   "YOU! You went though the same thing, didn't you? They were all just as stupid as the Changelings!"   >Debatable... not very, but still.   "You're right, I can't give up! I am the strongest Changeling after her Majesty! I have faced countless foes, beaten monsters! Surely I can defeat the beast of ignorance itself as well!"   >...That ain't really-   "Oh thank you Princess Applejack! You've inspired me to try harder! I WILL make my queen proud! I swear it! I WILL!"   *Runs off*   '...Yay?'   >So conflicted." _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________   >Cadence "Shining" 'Guard' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   >SHINING ARMOR!   "Not Shiny? This isn't good."   >WHAT THE BUCK IS THIS!? You're PAYING that imposter!?   "...H-honey!"   >Yes?   "You did paperwork!"   >Wha-   *He tightly embraces her, tears pouring from his eyes*   "You looked at the paperwork! You looked at the budget! I'm so, so happy!"   >Actually, Applejack-   "-L-let me dream."   >...Fine. I'm still mad at you for paying Applejack whatever.   "I felt bad. She does more of your work than you do."   >...Fair enough. Still feels weird.   "I promise it's purely professional, I'd never cheat on you."   >Good.   "..."   >...You can let me go now.   "No, this is the most physical contact we've had in months, I'm going to savor this."   >... Well, it HAS been a while, maybe we could take a bit off and just-   *Door slams open*   'YOUR HIGHNESS! The city is on fire!... Don't ask me how, because, you know, crystal... but it is! We need you to deal with this!'   ...   >"MOTHERFUCKER!" _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________   *Elsewhere, Applejack 56 is being dragged away by two guards*   >You don't understand! IT'S LIKE HUGGING A ROCK! IT HAS TO BURN! THIS HERESY ALL HAS TO BUUUUUUUURN! _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________   >Applejack "Celestia" 'Dash' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ >Huh.   "...Yep."   >Should... should we stop this?   "Do you honestly want to?"   *Far down below* 'YOU TOOK THE BITS FROM THE CHARITY TO PAY FOR TRAINING EQUIPMENT!? I DON'T CARE IF YOU 'NEED TO BE THE BEST!' ORPHANS COME FIRST YOU STUPID LITTLE-'   >...Not particularly.   "Good call." _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________   >Applejack “Celestia” ________   “Applejack. Dear. I’ve got a question for you.”   >Ya don’t say. Is it ‘bout why AJ56 is chasin’ Luna around the courtyard?   “What? Why is he… no, never mind. Don’t care. That’s not it.”   >Hm. Maybe yer’ curious as to why Spike seems to have an almost iron-hoofed attachment to that gun?   “Wait, is that where it got to? He has it? Why that little-… no.”   >Can’t be 'cause AJ29 has been traumatizin’ Twi’ with his Shinin’ act, tryin’ to get her to tell him if he’s got the right dong size?   “...you’re kidding.”   >No, huh? Ah'm guessin' it ain't about how AJ2 ate all the marshmallow cake?   "She did WHAT?"   >Then again, it could be that y'all done found out 'bout-   “No, stop! Why don’t you just let me ask it, for me’s sake!”   >‘Cause it’s funnier watchin’ yer’ jaw drop with each guess.   “I… oh, damn it! Thanks to your rambling, I forgot what my question was!”   >Good, saves me the headache of havin’ to answer. See ya next time!   “You dirty-”   *slam!* _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________   >Applejack "Celestia" ~~~~~ >'Tia, Ah got a question fer ya'll-"   "Is it about the mathematical forumal used to determine tax to income bracket ratios?"   >No, we worked that out already an' found out that was the lightin' equation used fer a video game-   "I see, perhaps you want to know why Cadence thinks she's pregnant even though she's gotten as much as Shining Armor has in the past year and a half, which is to say, she hasn't even seen a dildo in that whole time."   >'Tia, Ah'm tryin' ta talk-   "Oh, maybe you want to inquire about the nature of the Twilight's experiments into capturing helium from my occasional bouts of flatulence-"   >Ya know what? Forgit it! You don' wanna talk, Ah ain' gonna force ya.   "Are you sure you're not curious about your older brother forming a socialist political party-?"   Applejack slams the door.   Some seconds later...   "YES! Two CAN play at that game, Applejack! I deserve a bit of victory cake."   Celestia trots out of the room and double takes finding Applejack's question scrawled all over the castle hallway in huge, block letters along with a few dozen copies of the forms relating to the question nailed to her door.   One of the graffiti tags reads something else though...   >Two can play at that game, but I'm much better. -Applejack. _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________   >Applejack 42 >(Applejack 42 thinking) "Random Crystal pony" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   >(Hrmph, this infiltrating thing isn't so hard)   The Crystal Empire pays her no mind as she walks through the streets. Why would they? She's perfectly concealed, perfectly fitting into the crowd. She could have been any of them, and they would never know.   Princess Applejack may have ordered that the Changelings not disguise themselves in Canterlot, but she gave no such order about any land outside her boarders. A minor oversight in language, normally, but one the fighter is all too happy to exploit.   And exploit it she has. She noticed several weak points in minutes. Not quite the inept, almost comical levels she's used to from Canterlot, but there is more than enough to utilize when she brings this place the the ground, and they're none the wiser. It's all going according to plan. Soon, she would find the rogue Changeling who threatened her highnesses plan on conquest and-   >(HIT SOMETHING-NO! No no no, multi-dimensional! There is more to me than just hitting things! Sneaky! Be sneaky and do sneaky things, and THEN we hit Applejack 2 a lot. I have more sides than a set of dice!... which is six, I guess? Is six good? Should I try for seven, or is that too much?)   "You okay?   >GAH! YES! FINE!... just... have I been standing here the whole time?   "Several minutes, actually."   >Where does my mind go that I can't follow...   She trailed off again, staring blankly ahead of herself. The crystal pony was about to try and snap her out of another reverie, until she noticed her line of sight connecting with a certain someone down the street.   "Let me guess, Canterlot?"   >Er, how did you know?   "Pfft, you Canties always freak out when you notice 2. I don't know why, she's adorable! You really have to meet her, she's like what would happen if you crossed a puppy with a clown... regular clown, not- not the other kind."   >She's just... walking around. Ponies are waving and smiling. Not disguised.   "Eeesh, you Canties are worse than I thought. Course she's not! We like her like she is! Always assuming the worst of them, aren't you?"   >She's a Changeling.   "Yeah, and she freaking loves waffles. Seeing as my shop makes said waffles, that's all I need to know. I'd leave that specisim at the train tracks, we don't want any of it around here."   The crystal pony stomps off, muttering about 'Canties this and that' under her breath. 42 payed her no mind, nothing more really to say.   >...I like waffles.   Nobody responded to her, not that she expected them to.   >(I think I have enough info. It's probably best if I leave now, before I arouse more suspicion. I can go home and... plan.)   >Yeah... plan for a bit.   She just hoped her corner would be open when she finally arrived back in Canterlot. _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________   >Gryphon sorcerer "Cadence" 'Shining Armor' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   "...You know, this day is actually pretty kickass... could be more fun, though."   *The window next to her suddenly shatters."   >Ah hah! I, Galphon the Gryphon, have exploited your weak, pathetic defenses!... It honestly wasn't that hard, all I did to distract your guard was toss a rock at the wall... he's still searching for something over there... but no matter! TAKE THIS!   *He pulls out a magic staff and fires an energy beam, landing square in Cadence's chest*   >AHAHAHA! Now, you shall always remember the day I pierced though your...   "..."   >...Wow, was expecting, I don't know, screams of pain? Horror? Really, anything would be nice.   "It actually kind of tickled. Do you want me to laugh? I can laugh if you want."   >...TAKE THIS!   *He fires off blast after blast, nothing phasing Cadence in the slightest.*   >...Wow, just, okay, wow. This is going nothing like I planned. See this, this right here? I made plans.   "Awww, that's adorable, you made a little drawing!"   >This is not helping my pride.   "Oh look, you even got the shade of my coat right! I just want to hang this up on my fridge!"   >Please stop, I'm pretty sure I can feel my ego shrinking and slowly dying.   "Oh, if you insist. Can you see yourself out, or..."   >Actually, and I know this is going to sound weird, can you just, like, shoot me out of the window or something? It's petty at this point, but at least an injury of some kind would save a fraction of my masculinity.   "Oh, I suppose I could, just for you! So long as you promise to tell everyone how indestructible I am. Pinkie swear?'   >...   "...Get it? Because I'm pink, and you... er, PONY LASER BEAM!"   *He's sent flying up, and clear out of the city.*   "...That was fun."   *Shining Armor walks in*   'Hey, 18, you seen Cadence around here?'   "She went off to get her teeth whitened."   'Figures. Hey, thanks for all the help with the paperwork, by the way.'   "Oh, it's worth it... sometimes." _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________   >Shining “Applejack42” ‘Changeling’ _________   In a corner of the ever rambunctious ballroom filled with explodable Changelings sits one Changeling by herself, one forlorn Changeling wearing their Helmet of Helmets, which is actually just three torn up helmets mashed together but she adores it all the same because her Queen gave it to her.   She's so zoned out she doesn’t notice Shining until he’s right beside her, seated on his haunches and staring at… whatever she was staring at.   “H-hey! Don’t be sneaking up on me like that, or I’ll make our next fight really painful!”   >I’m sure you will, 42. So. What’s got you so down?   “Down…? Who… who says I’m down?”   >Well, usually when I sit in the corner like this, staring off at nothing, it’s usually because my wife hasn’t noticed my existence for about four days straight, or because you happened to shame me once again, so I’m well-versed in the ‘fuck my life’ look at the point. And you’ve definitely got that look going on.   “I’m fine, quit being stupid. I just want to hit things.”   >Is hit things what you really want to do, though?   “Yes it is! But then I can’t hit those things… and everyone seems to think that’s all I want to do, is to hit things. And they’re right. And it makes me feel stupid…”   Shining noticed how her helmet began to slip the more she lowered her head.   >You hungry, 42?   “What? N-no, I’m not hungry….”   >Ah, okay then. I recall somep0ny at the empire telling me they ran into this… peculiar pony, y’know. A ‘cantie’ she called them. And how she described them while she laughed made me think….   “Oh… she laughed…?”   >Almost laughed herself sick, actually.   “…”   >Well, I don’t know who she was referring to but….   There was a sudden clink and AJ42 looked down between her hooves to see a plate of warm waffles layered with syrup.   >I made these for you.   And before she could speak, Shining rustled the patch of mane not covered by her lopsided helmet and strode away.   “…”   As she slowly begins to eat, a random Changeling bounces over to her, tilting their head at the tracks of water shining over 42’s cheeks.   ‘Hey, hey, why the waterworks, what’s wrong, helmety? You don’t like waffles?’   “N-no… I love waffles….”   _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________   >Celestia "Chrysalis" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   "Nooooo! Roseluck, pull him up! Just, just go swim over there and get some more wood! There's stuff floating everywhere, he doesn't have to freeze to death! NOOOOOO!"   *Door slams open*   >I'm on to you!   "And I am emotionally devastated, so just say what you want and leave me to wallow in DESPAIR!"   >Cut the act, I know you're only pretending to be obsessed with these stupid movies-   "THEY ARE NOT STUPID!"   >-in order to distract us from your agent! You think we can't see 42 preparing for an attack? No, seriously, she's not hiding it all that well. Or at all. She's as sneaky as a eight foot multicolored clown, on fire.   "I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about."   >Applejack 42.   "Helmet one, right?"   >Right.   "Oh, does that mean she seduced Shining Armor? Or, wait, was she the one I assigned to that? Is she Sneaky Applejack?"   >No, different Changeling. She's the one who hits things.   "Really? Oh. How well is she doing?"   >Again, not well.   "Darn. Oh well, just try not to kill her when she fails."   >...That's it?   "Well, it was just a request. Don't want to tell you how to do your job or anything. Where is she now?"   >She's been on the outskirts of the city all night.   "HAH! Wouldn't it be really funny if I locked her out or something?"   >...Nevermind. I'm going to keep this conversation between us, if that's okay with you.   "Whatever. Now, where was I? Oh, right, EMOTIONAL DEVASTATION! BWAAAA!"   >...I will never get over the shame of losing to you. _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________   >Applejack "Shining Armor" 'Cadence'   >Hey Shining, Ah jus' wanted ta check up on ya and see how ya doing.   "Well, Cadence decided to try her hoof at baking cake since her cake budget got slashed"   >That's nice. How's it workin' out?   "Try it." *Shining levitates out a tray*   *Applejack raises an eyebrow* >but...those are cupcakes.   "They're chibi cakes according to my wife."   >*eats with a loud crunch* Um...are there...eggshells in these?   "She says it give them texture....I'm thinking of giving them to some foals as a joke."   >Um...Shining? Behind you.   '*sniff* My cakes are...are a JOKE!!!' *runs off crying*   "Oh crap, no wait!" *takes a mouthful of cupcakes and runs after Cadence* "I wuv your cupcakes! Shee? I'm eating them!"   'Waaaaaaa!'   "I mean CAKES!"   >...Ah don't think ah have a solution for this one. _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________   >Applejack 42 "Chrysalis" 'Various Changelings' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   >Your Majesty!   "ACK! I wasn't fantasizing about descending the staircase after going through a life-changing makeover and rushing into the arms of my one true love! YOU CAN'T PROVE IT!"   >...Oddly specific. Regardless, I had to inform you! I've taught those five how to do a formation!   "...Which five?   >Those, uh... wait, where did they... Applejack 13?   *Five different Changelings look up*   'She was talkin' to me you fuckers.'   'Nu-uh! I'm 13!'   'LIKE HELL YOU ARE!'   *The five immediately descend into an all out brawl.*   "..."   >...Why? Is there paint fumes or something in this room? Can we suck out stupidity as well as love? We at least knew how to fight before this.   "Pfft, no you didn't. You guys just stood in a mob and ganged up on whoever I told you to. You all couldn't co-ordinate enough to beat five ponies in a ten to one brawl."   >I-I'm sorry, my Queen, I will train them better next time.   "Whatever. Just not those five, this is fun to watch."   >Of course... my Queen. Of course. _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________   >Applejack 2 "Cadence" 'Shining Armor' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   >Ooooooh~ I'm AJ2, and I've always got a clue, AJ2! I have... man, coming up with stuff that rhymes with two is hard. Can you think of any, Caddy?   "Go. Away."   >...Hold up, that was a 'I'm actually mad' tone, not a 'you're adorable but I can't say it' mad. What's going on?   "Nothing."   >C'mooooon.   "DON'T YOU START WITH THAT!"   >...   "Sorry. That little bugger has been getting to me. It's nothing."   >Really? Cause it looks like it's about cookies. These cookies, specifically.   "They're bad."   >What's wrong with them? They've got a bunch of love in them! They're delicious!   "They're tiny, charred black circles. If you had taste buds, you'd understand."   >Well, I don't know what taste duds are, they sound pretty terrible, but I know love when I eats it! I know, let's make biscuits! I know how to make biscuits, I can show you!   "...Can't be any worse than my regular cooking."   >Yay! But on one condition, you have to open the can... the popping noise scares me.   "...It is pretty bad."   >Right!? Who designed that!   "A cruel, evil pony, I'm sure."   >The meanest, LET'S MAKE BISCUITS!   ~~~~~~~Later~~~~~~~~~~~~   'Zzzzz-SNRK HUH!?... crap, hope the drool didn't ruin that paper... or the one stuck to my head.... hm? Oh hey, biscuits.'   *Takes a bite.*   'Wow... these are really good. Who made these?'   *He shrugs, getting back to work, oblivious to the pink unicorn and Changeling practically bouncing with joy outside his door.*   *Which is good, in retrospect. If he had seen the two of them hugging like they were, he would probably be convinced he was dreaming again.* _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________   >Applejack "Shining Armor" 'Cadence' ________________   >Coming in for mah usual visit. How are things going?   "Cadence has been experimenting with Pound Cakes"   >Oh? And how's that going?   "Try it" *levitates a tray with pound cakes*   >*takes a bite but discovers that it's rock hard* OW! *it drops to the floor with a solid THUNK cracking the floor* >You could have warned me that it was unedible!   "....I'm thinking about sticking metal bars into them and distributing them to the guards as maces. They'll be mighty fine weapons."   >Uh, Shining?   '*sniff* You...you think my cakes are WEAPOOOONS!!!' *runs off crying*   "Wait, no! *is about to eat a cake but stops* Uh, I just wanted to share them with the guards! I love your cakes!" *runs after cadence*   >... _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________