Title:           Thread 32: Stories 31-45
Author:          PrincessApplejack
Pastebin link:   http://pastebin.com/gbiYzfvC
First Edit:      Monday 4th of August 2014 05:05:39 PM CDT
Last Edit:       Monday 4th of August 2014 05:05:39 PM CDT

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 
>DT
{Ringo}
~~~~~
 
{COME ONE COME ALL AND FEAST YOUR EYES ON THE MOST SPECTACULAR, STUPENDOUS, SCRAMTACULAR DISPLAY THERE EVER WAS! BEHOLD, THE AMAZING FILLY WONDER!}
 
They were surrounding her now, a gaggle of performers that clearly were far, far, faaaaar too into their jobs.
 
>Okay, since what's his face clearly did not care about my offer, I'll make the same to you all. I know you heard it. Come on, do you really want to do something like this for such low wages for the rest of your li-AH!
 
She just barely rolled out of the way of the crack of the whip, a crack which left quite the visible, er, 'crack', in it's wake.
 
>...Do you all...
 
Deftly, she reached into her cloak.
 
>...have any idea...
 
And pulled out what looked like a hairdryer.
 
>WHO YOU ARE MESSING WITH!?
 
Powered by it's tiny battery pack, the appliance sprang to life.
 
And sprayed fire in every direction.
 
She cackled with glee as they all wobbled away from her, their shoes making it far too hard to get out of the way quite as easily as they should. She had them now.
 
{His muscles are the size of watermelons! His neck could bend steel! More deadly than a room of murderous felons! You won't believe your eyes are real! BEHOLD AND BE AWESTRUCK! HE'S THE STONGEST STALLION ALIVE, SHOW THEM WHAT YOU'VE GOT CHUCKTRUCK!}
 
That clown just charged her, running right through the flames like it was nothing more than a particularly nasty waterhose, laughing all the while in that same crazy laugh as all the others. Even on fire, he could smash his hooves against the ground like a jackhammer, shattering chunks of floor, and very nearly turning something else into chunks. Needless to say, physical fighting was not the way to go.
 
>O-OH YEAH!? WELL, NO SMOKING ALLOWED!
 
Dodging under a flaming hoof, she rolled beneath his far larger form, easily able to thanks to her comparatively minuscule size, and rolled out behind him. But she did so a touch... lighter.
 
If you'll forgive the pun.
 
The hairdryer combusted as the tiny explosive strapped to it went off, consuming the larger stallion in flames and force, and launching him from the ground like a comical rocket gone wrong.
 
>...Wait a minute...
 
He just kept going up. Almost as if he had been made of helium. Up... up... uuuuuupppp...
 
And then splatting against the ceiling.
 
>...Okay then. Who's ne-GAH!
 
{Wings so wide to take him to the sky and beyond the naked eye! The fantastic fervor flapping feverishly forever floating from Fanciscolt! The Fabulous Flying FLOPSY!}
 
He circled her like a hawk, making daring and overly showy moves just below the ceiling. With a pivot, he divebombed down, charging at top speeds and headed right for her. The little filly dove out of the way, but she could not escape the after-shock he left in his wake. A force far greater than it should have been launched her against the twisted and bent cage she had shot earlier, leaving her vulnerable as he banked around, and resumed the charge right towards her.
 
At least, that's how it looked.
 
>Idiot.
 
She pulled a cord on her strap, and before the pegasus's eyes a net woven from strips of shower curtain and mesh sprang out, wrapping around him before he could even blink, and leaving him unable to stop his charge as she rolled free from the cage. He, on the other hand, could not do the same.
 
TWANG!
 
Him suddenly ricocheting off the cage and launching straight upward in a clear defiance of physics was... troubling. Not as troubling as his splatting against the cotton candy above, but troubling all the same.
 
>...Right...
 
She didn't even have to look to know she should dodge, the blaring disco music did told her everything she needed to know.
 
{He dances! He prances! He'll rock you up and boogy to the ground! Get those legs loose and wiggle that neck like a goose, get out of the way cause disco is loose! Can he be stopped? No no no no! For this is the daring dazzling dance of DISCORONO!}
 
The pony in question slid out into the dancefloor, his afro bouncing to and fro as he reared back and starting rolling his forelegs in a way that looked, quite frankly, anatomically impossible.
 
>I FUCKING HATE DISCO!
 
Uncaring to her screams, or her launching of several sharpened pikes via her slingshot, he just continued to gyrate away, deftly avoiding every single attack. Her spinning blades? Dodged. Her deodorant can and lighter combo flamethrower? Missed. Even her nailbomb made from a glass bottle, a napkin and some fuel? Not a single scratch... on him, at least.
 
>OW OW OW STUPID STUPID STUUUPID!
 
Nobody disagreed that setting off something designed to go in every direction that close was dumb, of course. They didn't need to.
 
>I am so sick of-OW!
 
If she had been a little slower, that would probably have cut deeper. Not that it would have hurt anymore, seeing as a solid strip of light was a fine cauterizer.
 
>...Wait a minute.
 
The disco dancing darling struck a daring pose, and his hair exploded. His magnificent afro burnt away to reveal a gigantic disco ball atop his head, on that shot beams of light in every direction.
 
>FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!
 
The pouch filled with her smoke powder met a fiery end as a stray shot nearly took off her legs. Then her tail end of her cloak met a similar bath of flames. Then finally, the goggles on her eyes.
 
Not a good day.
 
>Fuck it, I was saving this for chuckles, but you just earned yourself a nice taste of rocket you asshole!
 
TPOSRLIMOTF was off her shoulders in a second, and firing away in the next. Two shots remain.
 
He didn't even bother dodging, just blasted the projectile right out of the air. You'd think this would worry her. You'd be wrong.
 
Amid all the smoke that covered the room thanks to his attack, he heard her laugh.
 
>Got you now.
 
Curious, he stepped forward.
 
And then screamed in pain as something sunk into his hoof. Then the other when he hopped back from that, then again, and again and again. He was surrounded on all sides by tiny, sharp spikes, and could not find his footing. At last, he could stand no more, and fell backwards.
 
His ball shattered upon the ground, and an explosion overtook him.
 
Like the others, he was launched straight up, sparkles surrounding him and the sound of disco music reaching an apex. An apex that stopped abruptly as he splatted against the ceiling.
 
>...Your turn.
 
TPOSRLIMOT was reloaded before the ringleader had even lowered his head. But to her dismay, he had never stopped smiling.
 
{The show's been greats, fillies and gentlecolts! But the night draws to a close, and the finale is about to begin!}
 
His forelegs were pulled back at an unnatural angle, and for the first time Diamond Tiara noticed what looked like ropes of Cotton Candy going into his back.
 
Slowly, he began to rise.
 
{The wondrous day that has yet to be! The glorious power for all to see! This my dear audience is the grandest of your days, for this is just one of life's many stage! This is the finale, for all you see, for the curtain must bow for you and Ringo, that's little old me. Now is my time to exit stage left, but have no worries, you will not be bereft! Another comes to take my place! The one with the face that makes your heart race to space! Sit back and enjoy, all who love the show! Because she's only getting one chance, and then her head is going to-}
 
SPLAT!
 
She could do nothing at the strings tightened at the last moment, and dragged him into the mess above in half a second.
 
>...U-uh...
 
One by one, the spotlights began to turn off.
 
>Y-y-you... uh...
 
She hugged her rocket launcher a little tighter as the ones to her left went out.
 
>Y-yooooouuuu...
 
Slippery hooves pressed against the trigger as the lights to the right went out.
 
>You're not...
 
The ones in the front.
 
>Not a...
 
And finally, behind.
 
>...You're not a security guard, are you?
 
In the darkness, far, far above her, those pearly white fangs glowed in the light.
 
“My turn.”
 
For the rest of her life, Diamond Tiara would not know what was louder. The explosion of her rocket...
 
Or her own scream.
 
One left.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 
>Chrysalis
"???"
'???'
~~~
 
>Almost there... almost-
 
"And just what do you think you're doing?"
 
Because, of course.
 
>Celestiaaaa, and just what are you-WHAT THE FUCK!?
 
"...What?"
 
>No no, don't you pull that! What the fuck!?
 
The solar princess blinked in confusion for a second, and looked around.
 
"...I don't... OOOHHH! You mean, the-"
 
>What is that on your face!?
 
"Cucumber? I think it's a cucumber spread. I don't know, I didn't read the bottle all that deeply. I just kind of slathered in on. To be frank, it might be conditioner for all I know. I give that little of a fuck."
 
>...Alright then. What do you want, swamperella?
 
"Just to see what you're up to, Queen swampington."
 
>Hey!
 
"Your hair looks like it came from a swamp, or some kind of seaweed, I make no excuse for this."
 
>Yeah well... uh...
 
"Out of insults, really?"
 
>Oh, shut up!
 
"Nope. What are you going to do about it?"
 
>I laid your ass out at the wedding, I'll do it again here!
 
"Brilliant plan, attack the foreign royalty currently sheltering your people while she's minding her own business in a hallway. Would love to see my picture on the front page of me in my robe and slippers, face covered in goop, and you standing over me, horn smoking. You'll make so many friends!"
 
>...Uh...
 
"No no, I understand, by all means, fire away."
 
>...Is this a sex thing? You can't get off the normal way, so you want me to start beating you or something? Kinky.
 
"Really now, if I wanted a sexual release, why would I go to you? You seem so inexperienced."
 
>Pfft! Like you would know!
 
"Oh my, that is true. By all means, tell me how many partners you've had."
 
>...
 
"...Well?"
 
>Shut up.
 
"That's what I thought."
 
>What, do you want me to say something like "You win this round" or the like?
 
"Mmm, nope. You don't have to say it. Have a nice night! I'm sure Shiny will absolutely oblige whatever it is you want from him. G'night, Crissy!"
 
>Choke on your own blanket.
 
"Wouldn't matter if I did!"
 
Steaming, Chrysalis could only turn on her heels, and walk away with what little dignity she could muster.
 
"...Oh my, that was fun."
 
'Indeed, sister! It was quite fun to watch you give her what for!'
 
"GAH!... Luna!? How long have you been standing there!?"
 
'We had to get ice!'
 
"...That doesn't... nevermind. And I didn't 'give her what for', it was just us tossing barbs. We do it all the time."
 
'...Really?'
 
"To be honest, she's the only one who will talk to me like that, it's quite refreshing sometimes. I wish you would be as frank."
 
'We have no desire to participate in your little games!'
 
"Of course not, then I'll bring up the time you offered to be bred by that-"
 
'WE WERE DRUNK!'
 
"Suuuuure you were."
 
'Well...NEH!'
 
"Ow."
 
'HA HA! THE ICE IS VICTORIOUS!'
 
With that, she took off.
 
"...Three... two..."
 
'WAIT! SHIT!'
 
"Still got it."
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 
>DT
"???"
~~~~
 
It didn't work.
 
It didn't work.
 
IT DIDN'T WORK!
 
The thing above her just laughed as her pitiful cobbled together rocket fizzled out in front of it, as if it had been snuffed out like a candle tip between the claws of a dragon.
 
“Poor little filly.”
 
She couldn't even focus enough to reload, just jammed her last remaining rocket in there without much of a care.
 
“Tsk tsk.”
 
She screamed as a giant, comical white gloved hand floated out in the darkness, seemingly connected to nothing, and bopped the rocket launcher out of her hooves, sending it clattering to the ground before her. In a frenzy, she pulled from her satchel a party popper, pulling the string and sending a tiny ball of acidic chemicals outward, into the hand.
 
It wasn't even bothered, and just continued on to poke her in her shaking chest?
 
“Not having fun?”
 
It was getting hard to breath as she lashed out, the sharpened toothbrush she had brought trying to stab into the glove, and bouncing right off.
 
“Naughty...”
 
Next came the ball of white powder, something to cover her escape while she regrouped. The cough from her itching lungs was quickly drowned out by the subtle, easy chuckle of that thing.
 
“Don't run.”
 
What sounded like the screech of metal against metal filled her ears. Intercut with the banging of something smashing against the ground in short, rapid steps.
 
Blurs surrounded her, spinning faster and faster like a hurricane of color, that same screeching of metal reaching a feverish, painful pitch. The blurs cast her pitiful bubble of smoke away, and her heart froze at what remained instead.
 
They whinnied and huffed, metal bodies twisting like they never should. The ponies from the carousel ride surrounded her, dangling just above the air by the skewer across their midsection, kicking futility, but unable to fully touch the ground.
 
“Move”
 
She dodged to the side in a scramble, just barely able to get out of the way as one of them rocketed forward, it's metal pole tearing along the ground and cutting a deep hole in it's wake. She tried to run again, only to be cut off as another cut a swath before her. She tried flinging whatever piece of junk she still had left at them. It didn't even leave a scratch. In every direction, in every way, they taunted her, waiting for her to try to move and then cutting her off.
 
The dark chuckle deepened, and his hand swung down.
 
To her horror, the carved bits of floor fell away, falling to the ground like shattered glass falling through a broken pane. All that remained was the one, jagged platform she sat upon, floating in the void as if it were held aloft by nothing but her fear.
 
“Poor little filly”
 
The carousel horses whinnied and screeched, almost in laughter, almost in joy.
 
>P-please...
 
Tears were beginning to prick at her eyes, and she found herself curling downward.
 
>D-don't...don't...
 
The white glove reached out, resting atop two fingers and mockingly walking towards her.
 
>I don't want to di-... d-daddy...
 
The glove came to a stop right in front of her, dwarfing her entire body with a single finger now, and those large, impossibly large red eyes drew in close, towering over her.
 
“Too bad.”
 
Maliciously, a finger curled in.
 
“Fun's over.”
 
And then flicked forward.
 
The chuckle of his mirth mixed with the screeches of his companions as she slid across the platform, only barely stopping before she slid over the edge, dangling over an endless and empty void for dear life.
 
>I D-DON'T WANT TO... I DON'T WANT TO D-D...
 
Furiously, she slammed her hoof down, and the entire platform tilted. Amused eyes watched as her piece of junk rocket launcher slid over to her, and into her waiting hoof. With what little determination she could muster, she gripped it tightly, and dragged it closer.
 
Gloved fingers snapped.
 
From the void around her, ribbons of every color came forth, a forked end upon their tips. As one, they struck, not with the softness of cloth, but as though they were blades alive. Like snakes, they tore into the poor launcher, and ripped it asunder. He expected her to despair, at last.
 
>I don't need That Piece Of Shit.
 
Instead her hoof curled inward.
 
>I just need this.
 
Fire erupted beneath her, propelling her straight up into the air as she clung atop her final rocket. Up, up up she went. She only had a second to do this right.
 
It was all she needed.
 
Jumping off at just the last second, she clung to the ropes of cotton candy dangling from the ceiling, using them to swing away just before her rocket could go off. To her confusion, it never did.
 
>...Seriously? I made a dud? I must be slipping.
 
Thankfully metaphorical, she resumed her swinging, trying her best not to think about the lights of red just beneath her, following her every movement. Tried not to think about the ponies from the carousel, sliding up against nothing but air but somehow managing to make that same horrible scraping noise. Tried not to think as they took their pose upon where his shoulders would be, and joined him as they all stared at her frightened form. Don't think about that. Had to get closer, had to get to-
 
And that's when she froze, unable to move a single bit more as she felt a very distinct shape beneath her hooves.
 
Trembling, she pulled away at some of the cotton candy beneath her, and then screamed. The pony beneath her body, clown makeup covering his face, had nothing to add.
 
Panic now within every inch of her, she stumbled as best she could through the webbing, desperate to get just a bit forward, just a little further, just a little more...
 
“Don't run.”
 
Gently, she tried to tug her hind leg forward once more.
 
Terrified, she looked back. Just in time to see those ropes of sugary treat, all creeping towards her like vines.
 
>NO NO NO NO!
 
In desperation, she used her final trick. Nothing fancy, nothing unique. Just a knife. A common serrated knife served with any dinner tray. She swung away madly, hacking herself free and continuing to roll and swing without any thought or mind.
 
>HELP ME!
 
In one last, desperate leap, she reached out. She felt her hooves just barely touch her target. Just barely.
 
“Too bad.”
 
She also felt his grip pinching upon her back.
 
He pulled back, and she came free... but she did not come alone.
 
The only thing stronger than his grip... was hers.
 
She suddenly swung backwards, tossing an object just behind her. The thing had little time to register it before it ignited in a brilliant flash of light. Her final blind-stick was gone. As was her last chance.
 
She fell.
 
Down, down, down into the dark, she fell. He did not catch her, he did not care.
 
In one final mockery, his gloved hand snapped. As if they were birds summoned on call, squares of every color fluttered in. Each one perfectly laying themselves in place, just as they had been when she entered, making a little musical noise akin to a piano striking a chord as they laid in place. Soon, it was as if the little filly was never there at all.
 
He laughed, and laughed, and laughed.
 
“Poor little...”
 
Clack.
 
Click.
 
>Missed you, Sexy.
 
Like a phoenix reborn, fire erupted from the pits he had cast her into, shattering the floor that had relaid itself and sending the broken pieces every which way. Shards of striped road flung into the air, and it was not alone.
 
She soared upward, landing on the platform she had once stood with a flourish. Upon her shoulders, he glowed like the moon in the sky, warm blue magical cooling units glowing in lines along his long, reinforced metal form. On his side, a small cone smoked softly, his booster rocket still warm from her ascension. Humming to life, all sorts of small compartments began to ignite and glow with renewed energy. And most of all, the red light to indicate he was primed to fire burned like the flames it was about to unleash.
 
But perhaps most important... her fear was gone. Not diminished... gone.
 
>Too bad. Fun's over.
 
The whirring of internal motors reached a fever pitch.
 
>You may be able to take on that garbage I used for fun, or This Piece Of Shit Rocket Launcher I Made On The Fly...
 
A wave of it's glove covered appendage, and the platform beneath her vanished, attempting to send her plummeting into the vast shadow once more. She never even blinked. The booster rocket reignited, launching her forward through the air, towards the shadow. Right at him, without a single care.
 
>But this right here?
 
From TBDRLIATU's maw, flames spilled out, propelling rocket after rocket without missing a beat. Each one moved as if alive, twisting in the air and aiming for the things still glowing upon it's shoulders. Each one delivering unto the horses of the carousel it's deadly kiss.
 
The survivors raced around, the pole speared through their centers scraping through the air and allowing them to resume charging her, just as they did before, hoping to get close as the fire spilled from their maws. To anyone else, it would seem she slipped up, let them get too close.
 
They knew better soon enough.
 
She spun in the air like a fiery ballerina, and from her form stingers shot forth, sprang from every inch of the ring upon his circular body. Each one found it's mark, and each survivor was sent to whatever passes for an afterlife for carousel horses come to life as enough electricity to briefly power a small house was sent to them. She did not even slow down as they descended into ash, nothing remaining of what once was.
 
Not to be outdone, another wave of that gloved hand sent forth his striped ribbons, viper like fangs growing out of their tips as they all converged on her from every possible angle, a haphazard sphere of attack forming around her.
 
From his top, they sprang forth. Disks forged of a perfect blend of steel and synthetic diamond. Each one weight tested for perfection of cutting ability and speed. Over a dozen arced through the air, twisting just right in every direction to make a picture perfect curve through space, each one finding it's mark again and again.
 
As they shredded to bits, the hand swung down in a fury, snapping all the way. From the ceiling above, they rained. The cotton candy cocoons twisting and reshaping as they shot downward, each one forming a claw.
 
Just like before, it was of no concern at all. She rolled forward, allowing them a full view of her and his backsides. His, however, had a surprise. A missile fired from the bottom of his form, an eerie blue tip atop it.
 
But it was not a fire akin to a volcano as it met it's mark, but a snowstorm. Ice ruptured outwards in every direction, liquid nitrogen blended together with a host of other chemicals to spread forth and cling to every one of them, freezing every sticky treat solid.
 
And that's when the glove, just for a moment, wavered.
 
>This, you stupid clown...
 
The eyes that had for so long been narrowed in mirth grew wide as her roll ended, and she looked down her sight, right at his face.
 
>Is THE BEST DAMN-
 
One launched, splintering around him rather than at him, bright flares igniting and finally allowing her to partially see more of his white makeup covered face.
 
>-ROCKET-
 
An entire salvo came this time, five rockets rolled into one that separated and struck the thing from a host of different directions
 
>-LAUNCHER-
 
Electricity arced from her next rocket, long strings of the white hot light searing into the thing beneath her as it clung to him, a taser fit for a dragon.
 
>-IN ALL-
 
Dazed, electrified and staggering, it had no means to stop her as she shot behind him, past it's field of view.
 
>-THE-
 
It had just enough time to slightly tilt his head enough to see her, and to see latch after latch fall off the maw of the machine she wielded like part of her own body.
 
>UNIVERSE!
 
The beast she held within TBDRLIATU was special. She had imported so many different substances, materials, chemicals, schematics, electronics and circuitry, tested and re-tested, and finally created the sheer pinnacle of perfection. It almost made her sorry to see her crown jewel go.
 
{ALL LIMITERS OFF!}
 
Almost.
 
Like the light of heaven, it rose. A blinding white ball of sheer, unbridled power, held aloft by a force so strong it's kickback shattered the pillars around her, flying so fast it would have made a rainboom had it the necessary colors. Had she the ability to look upon it without being blinded, Diamond Tiara would have been privy to see it connect with her target, and lift him up.
 
Though she could not look upon it as it broke through the ceiling, she could turn her eyes to it as it rose into the air, a bright ball of white ascending high, high above the sky of Partyland, almost to the edge of space itself. It exploded, a color and intensity pouring out in waves far beyond what any firework could ever hope to match. Those that had heard the screams of it's ascent were among the few that would ever see a beauty so wide and far reaching, an aurora borealis that would only be seen by them on this day, and perhaps almost never again. They, as one, could gaze upon it's majesty as it lit up the night sky.
 
Standing within the light of the moon that poured in from the gap above her, at last the little pink filly could sigh in joy, in relief, and in comfort as she brought the still warm body of his barrel to her cheek.
 
>I missed you.
 
It was in this moment, she at last felt at peace. In this moment, she could feel at ease, and enjoy her time, victorious.
 
...And that's when the hole in the ceiling started to crack outward, bits already crumbling from it, and the bodies within the cotton candy cocoons started to slip.
 
>....FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
 
~~~
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 
>DT
"???"
'???'
[??]
{??}
~???~
~~~~
 
>UUUUUUUUUUUU
 
His booster rockets burned to life once more, propelling her upwards as she straddled him. Several of his many compartments snapped open, grappling hooks with long, flexible claws shooting outwards and grabbing hold of every body that fell from the cocoons. She was probably jostling them around pretty badly as she suddenly banked left to avoid a hail of stone. She didn't care.
 
With no time to get back on track to the hole in the ceiling, she took the only path she could. Back through the hell from whence she had came. Another rocket launched forth, and her journey began again.
 
Back through the gaping hole and darkness, flying past every dangling trapeze bar and rope.
Up through the tunnel that seemed to stretch on forever, careful to avoid the pole in the center.
Blasting through the carousel, now bereft of it's horses to bob, and through the wall as it spun, destroying the mechanism.
High above the tightrope, no longer caring for balance or safety.
Out into the hallway with the slip and slide floor, and up it's seemingly endless corridor.
One final turn, through a door she knew well.
The bathroom was but a flicker in her vision, a brief moment to grab one last body, and the wall one final obstacle before she tasted the cool air of freedom once more.
 
She must have looked good, skidding to a halt just outside the building, rubble and dust kicking up around her and flowing through the night.
 
The bodies tailing behind her, less so. Not that she cared.
 
She was free... at last, she had found her freedom, and her beloved TBDRLIATU was in her hooves. The warm wind that rushed through her nostrils at that point tasted finer than the sweetest of candy ever could.
 
She had won.
 
“WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO!?”
 
...Fuck.
 
She really, really did not expect Pinkie to arrive so soon, certainly not both her and Cheese Sandwhich.
 
'Pinkie blinky, language! She's just a filly.'
 
“I can't believe you! Are you really so obsessed with that thing that you broke into my building to steal it back!? Did you really wreck the place just for some weird game!? What the hell was that rocket!? That thing could level Canterlot Castle! WHY ARE YOU LAUNCHING CASTLE KILLING ROCKETS ON MY PARTYLAND!?”
 
>Are you serious!? LOOK AT THAT PLA-
 
...It looked normal.
 
The... the building looked normal. There were windows, there was a nice little door, there was no sign of any slip and slide through the hole past the bathroom she had made. It looked... like a building.
 
“What? The gaping destruction!? I KNOW! THAT'S WHY I'M MAD! YOU NEED MEDICATION!
 
Inside her mind was nothing but sheer terror, and maybe just a touch of shame.
 
On the outside...
 
>If I find out you knew about this and hid it, I will BURY YOU, PINKIE PIE! YOU TOO, GRILLED CHEESE!
 
Together, they shifted backwards, suddenly feeling a lot less forceful in her presence.
 
“W-w”
 
>Don't you give me that 'w-w-what?' horse malarky! Ohhhh, I'm SURE a level SIX threat with freaking perception based magic, AT THE BARE MINIMUM, just so happened to get by you, YOU, a freaking Element of Harmony!
 
'Now listen here, who do you think you-'
 
She popped him right in the nose, just to shut him up, and reached into her badly worn satchel to pull out a certain badge.
 
>Who am I? Who the fuck do you think I am, you overpriced carnival fair!? You see this? This badge here? A-TEAM. I am part of the goddamn A-TEAM. You know what that means, right? A MEANS ASSUALT! I'm the one CELESTIA sends off when stuff like evil robots or giant monsters threaten the world, this stuff is my JOB, and I do it well, thank you! And it's a good thing I do! Do you have any idea what kind of risk you just went through? Here's a hint, I'll help you, I had to go through a fucking slip and slide to nowhere, a tightrope walk for my life, and a fucking ARMY OF KILLER CLOWNS, who, by the by, are THEM!
 
Her eyes darted over to the bodies, seemingly just noticing they were bodies at all. She gasped and raced over, tenderly placing her hooves on them.
 
“G-GUYS!? Oh my gosh! Nightstick! Are you okay!?”
 
{M-my... head...}
 
[What... what happened?]
 
“HOLY CHEESES! Stay still, Daywatch, I'll get you guys some help!”
 
>Security, right?
 
'R-righ-'
 
>THEY WERE FUCKING CLOWN MONSTERS! Because that thing that I exploded MADE THEM CLOWN MONSTERS!
 
“Thing!? What thing?! Y-you're lying! No way did they-”
 
>Taste them.
 
'..What?'
 
>You heard me.
 
Deciding it was best just to roll with it, Pinkie stuck out her tongue and scraped it across his cheek.
 
{...Boss, what the...}
 
'...Pinkie, we talked about this-'
 
>Cotton Candy, right?
 
Her eyes wide, she could only nod numbly.
 
>It wrapped them up in it. It tried to wrap ME up in it. You know the only reason it didn't?
 
She tossed her belt to the ground, allowing them to see what little remained of her once heavy arsenal.
 
>I had to jimmy rig SO MUCH to get this done. If I hadn't, I would be DEAD.
 
“W-why didn't you come get u-”
 
>Well, gee! Your security was compromised, and I had no idea if YOU were a part of this, I wonder why I wouldn't come get the pony who might actually be a part of this, right? RIGHT?! NOOOO! I'LL COME GET THE ONE WHO MIGHT ACTUALLY HAVE GONE CRAZY AND BE THE FUCKING CLOWN! THAT'S A SMART IDEA! NOT GO FIX IT, GO GET YOU!
 
She trotted forward, pushing her nose right in Pinkie's face.
 
>I hope this opening wasn't all that important to you, BECAUSE I AM ABOUT TO RUIN.... R-RUIN...
 
At Pinkie's worried face, she at last relented just a touch.
 
Internally, she smiled.
 
>...Ahhh... ah, shoot. I'm sorry, Pinkie.
 
Passively, she waved at all the others.
 
>Calm down, everyone calm down, I'm sorry. Really I am. Been a long, stressful night, but I know it wasn't your fault. You're a victim here.
 
“R-right!”
 
She sighed, plopping down tiredly.
 
>You got lucky, Pinkie. So lucky. I contained it, and I dealt with it without causing a panic. That was hard, Pinkie. That was real hard. It could have gotten bad.
 
The party ponies eyes started to sparkle, just a touch.
 
“I-if... if we have to close down-”
 
'Pinkie, no! We need this opening, if we close down now, we'll lose everything!'
 
>No!
 
Both of them jumped as the smaller filly jumped up.
 
>No need for that, no need. Good news, I couldn't find any trace of magic except here, and it all reverted back to normal. That means that the source was that thing, and I dealt with it, it's done. For now, the problem is solved, and there's nothing to indicate something else is going to pop up. We live in a crazy world, anomaly's like them happen. If it were anyone else, I would demand this place get shut down and looked over, but for you, Pinkie? You're my friend, heck, you're one of Spike's very best friends, and you know how close we are! So... for you, we can keep this place running.
 
“R-really!?”
 
>Really really. But Pinkie... you've got to make a hard choice now, and I'm sorry for putting this on you.
 
“...Oh?”
 
Solemnly, she trotted over, and put her hooves on the pink ponies shoulders.
 
>Pinkie, I managed to cobble together enough to put up a fight. I even made a rocket launcher, and it worked. For what I needed, it did the job, and I can make more to keep with your policy. But Pinkie...I was losing that fight, and I was losing hard until the end, and we both know why. I don't want to make you compromise like this, but-
 
“You can keep him.”
 
It took everything she had not to smile maliciously.
 
>Thank you for trusting me, and I'll be there if something happens.
 
“I know... buuut.”
 
Don't twitch... do nooot twitch...
 
>But?
 
“Could you put him in this little trench coat and sunglasses?”
 
...Don't roll your eyes... do NOT roll your eyes.
 
>For you, Pinkie? Sure.
 
“T-thanks so much for saving my guys! It just... thanks!”
 
>It's what I do.
 
“No, really, here! Here's free passes for every ride for the weekend, you and a friend, go nuts!”
 
Already could with my bank account, she thought to herself. But the gesture is nice.
 
>I'll do that. And hey, you bet I'm going to go nuts!... not in the bombing way, though.
 
“Yeah! Of course! I trust you.”
 
>Thanks, Pinkie. Now if you don't mind, I need some rest.
 
“Thanks again!”
 
Containing the explosive joy of having her beloved on her back once more she trotted off, trying to look as stern and as powerful as she could.
 
All the while, smirking right in her very SOUL.
 
~~~~~~~~~~
 
>Hey.
 
She opened the door to her hotel room as casual as could be, noticing right away that Silver Spoon was still awake and waiting for her.
 
Her bags were also, quite obviously, packed.
 
Strangely, there was also a map of Partyland with a bunch of paths marked out.
 
To her inquisitive glance, Silver Spoon just shrugged.
 
~Didn't seem like you would go halfway.~
 
She dramatically rolled her eyes, and laid TBDRLIATU on the bed.
 
~...really?~
 
>Yeeep. Here.
 
She tossed one of the free passes to her, tiredly climbing into bed next to her rocket launcher after.
 
~...really.~
 
>Mmmhmmm.
 
~Do I want to know?~
 
>Tell you about it in the morning, involved a killer clown monster. All you need to know is... I'm good. Very, very good.
 
~...Okay.~
 
Kicking her bags to the floor, Silver Spoon decided to join her in snuggling into her own, separate bed.
 
~...Hey, DT?~
 
>Mmm?
 
~You ever miss... you know... back when?~
 
Even after all this time, his barrel still felt warm, and that smell of smoke was still so present.
 
She just snuggled closer, and smiled.
 
>Nope.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 
EPILOGUE!
~~~~~~~
 
In the dead of night, alone in a single bathroom in the middle of the hotel, something stirred. The seemingly only occupant in the bathroom sighed.
 
(What have you been up to?)
 
Bubbling in the mirror, a distorted shape took form.
 
*Little old me? Why, nothing at all!*
 
(…)
 
*Oh, alright, I have been a little... naughty.*
 
(Why did you change your voice?)
 
*Why, so none would know it was me, of course. Can't use my standard MO, or they'd catch on in a flash! But it was important, I assure you. Let's just say I was setting up a plan B for... fun. Just a little someone who needed a crash course in a very specific type of 'fun', and she passed her test with flying colors! Have you been enjoying yourself?*
 
(Oh, yes... it's been great seeing them all again.)
 
*I'd say! Well, don't want to get in your way, this is all about you for today. Have fun, girl out, you know. Oh, and if you see Celestia, do tell her that the whole 'scorched earth' thing might be underselling it a bit. She'll know what I mean, trust me.*
 
(What if I need you?)
 
*Why, my dearest friend, if you need me, simply call! I'll be there in a...*
 
SNAP!
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 
>32
{32}
 
32 stares into the eyes of himself, his own wide, those of his mirror narrowed with contempt.
 
{And so we meet face to face at last, you reprobate. I must admit, I didn't think the point at which your cancerous thought processes truly turned malignant would have been so...recent. Yes, yes, it's all coming together.}
 
>Cancerous thought processes? What are you talking about!?
 
{Do you not pay attention? No, I suppose you haven't, you've been stuck in a delusion not of my making for quite some time. Let us examine ourselves for a moment shall we?}
 
A canvas and slide projector appear from the all surrounding abyss, the latter coming to life and shining the image of a graphically dissected changeling on the former.
 
{A tad more grisly than intended, but it's the closest I could find in our memory. You see, my dear heretic, we are changelings, more specifically the sub-type more commonly called 'Drones', as in 'Servants' 'Minions' 'Serfs'. Sure we give ourselves little castes based on our purposes, Warriors, Workers, Infiltrators, the sadly extinct Scouts and Assassins-}
 
>Ok, I'm calling bullshit, those last two don't exist!
 
{Not anymore. The Scouts died out before Queen Chrysalis took the reigns, replaced by the subtler if slower Infiltrators, and Assassins...well they were just doomed, sure they could kill like no others without being seen, but they were unable to develop relationships to really slake the thirst their abilities demanded, meaning they were love sinks for whatever Queen put them to use. You can see the problems there, yes?}
 
>That they were created to serve a specific purpose and then cruelly put down before they could drain resources?
 
{Truly the Queens of old were logistical geniuses. But I digress, we are a drone, by virtue of, well, being male. And what is the OTHER form of changeling?}
 
>A vestigial waste of brain cells with no redeeming qualities whatsoev-AAAARGH!
 
32 collapses, his body wracked with a sudden a electrical shock, the other 32 smirks.
 
{Wrong answer.}
 
The projector cuts to the next slide, that of a procession of different Queens, each standing over their subjects with grim faces.
 
{Yes, the Queens, the pinnacle and focal point of our evolution, they who we owe our survival, our existence-}
 
>Our decline, our decimation, our-AAAARGH!
 
{Tsk tsk, you are just so rude today, me. Now let's see, survival, existence, ah, and soon our great passage into a rebirth! A golden age!}
 
The next slide is of Chrysalis herself, standing triumphant over Celestia...at the wedding...
 
>Wait...I wasn't there, how-?
 
{Are debilitating electric shocks your sick fetish or something? Quit asking unimportant questions! Behold Chrysalis, clever, deceitful, merciless...}
 
>...
 
{Well?}
 
>No, I agree, I just don't list those as virtues.
 
{Damn, wanted to shock you again. She is the last remaining Queen in possession of a hive, a very fortuitous occurrence. Finally we can progress, knowing the fittest has survived! Finally we can rebuild what we've lost! Finally the inferior species of the world can be made the livestock they were always meant to be! Since the days of our old Queen, we-}
 
>Who?
 
{Our old Queen, Queen-}
 
>I've never served anyone but that bitch Chrysalis.
 
{Heh...heh heh heh...about that...}
 
>What? Stop talking in these obscene superior speeches and just TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!
 
The other 32 smirks, the projector clicks on another slide, on it is the single most imposing Queen 32 has ever seen, regality and ferocity intermixing as she glares down.
 
But that isn't what gives 32 pause, what gives him pause is the infiltrator at her side, glaring right along with her. The scars are less pronounced, there is less weariness to the eyes, but there is no mistake...
 
>That's me...
 
{Did you think me some kind of split personality? Some vague monstrous product of our mind? No...no no no, I AM you, a you that has been locked within your mind for far too long. A you that has watched your descent into this spiral of depraved willful treachery. And a you...}
 
32 balks as his double advances on him, pressing nose to nose with.
 
{...that is going to take back what you have spoiled and stand at the side of our Queen as we march to a glorious future! Now...have fun in the latest little scenario I've put together for you, it should tide you over until my assimilation of our mind is complete.}
 
32 opens his mouth to protest, but the world goes black again...for the second of many many times this night.
 
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 
>SA
"???"
~~~~
 
>...She's probably not doing anything too crazy...
 
He said this, yes, but he was also probably going to make a hole in his floor if he kept his pacing up.
 
>I mean, it's Cadence. Her idea of crazy is putting on eye shadow on the left eye first. I mean, sure, she's wanted to get out there and have some more adventures here recently, but that doesn't mean... back me up here.
 
His adoptive daughter, for her part, simply continued to snore away.
 
>Right, see? Nothing to worry about...
 
And then he started to worry.
 
>Am I being silly? I've got to be being silly, I mean, she's the immortal alicorn here. She's got, like, way more magic than I do. Sure, it's not as combat based, but there's no denying she has magic. Lots of magic. Unlike him. If anything, she should be worried about him, he's squishy, he doesn't have her magic. He should clearly be the one being worried about, not worrying.
 
He was being sill-
 
*KNOCK KNOCK!*
 
OHTHANKCELESTIATHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANK...
 
"Hey."
 
>...Chrysalis.
 
You know, in all honesty, he was actually considering slamming the door in her face. He is that done with her shit right now.
 
At least... until he saw her face.
 
>Bad night?
 
"...Yeah, I've had a pretty crappy night. Mind if I crash with you?"
 
Yes, he thought, I do mind. I mind you always trying to bug me at every hour of the day. I mind you latching onto me like a lamprey somedays. I mind you being here ALL THE TIME, even when I'm on vacation. I mind the fact there is always, always a bug monster of some form who wants to polish my spear with their own built in damp cloth, and they are very happy to voice this fact despite the fact I am married. I mind. I mind so hard.
 
>...I guess you can come in.
 
"Thanks... daw."
 
>She is adorable, is she not?
 
"Meh, six out of ten."
 
>Want to talk about it?
 
"Nah. Not a big deal."
 
>...Want to play candyland?
 
"Pfft, are you serious?"
 
>...
 
"...yes."
 
>Thought so.
 
"...Thanks."
 
>Already said that.
 
"Oh, you want me to start saying something else? How does 'oh yes, Shiny! Right there, Shiny! Spank me harder!' sound?"
 
>Sounds like 'be thankful she's not awake or I would toss you out the window.'
 
"Pfft, I'm not corrupting that, she ends up like me and we're all dead."
 
>...Huh.
 
"Can't even bring yourself to deny it. Now shut up and set up the game pieces. Fair warning, if I take the lead I will start making sex puns for everything. There is a chocolate swamp. You know the risks now."
 
>...Right.
 
"By the way, she's just being silly, she's fine. Made sure of that."
 
>...Thanks.
 
"Stop stealing my gig."
 
>Says the changeling.
 
"HAH! Got me there! Roll them bones fast, or I'll start talking about other bones."
 
>Always the same with you.
 
"As if you'd want me any other way."
 
...Somedays, maybe.
 
But right now?
 
Yeah. Just the way you are.
 
"Roll!"
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 
 
Cancelled bad ending branch for DT where Spike left the group.
 
Non-Cannon
>DT
"SS"
~~~~
>Where the hell is that shithead?
 
"Maybe we should give up and just enjoy our- Oh hey there he is! He's with the princesses."
 
DT spots Spike with Rarity and Applejack. She clenches her teeth in rage.
>You mean we've spent hours looking for him and he's been with them the whole time? That MOTHERFUCKER!
 
"Maybe it's not what it looks like. Let's just ask Spike."
 
DT starts walking towards them. When Spike starts laughing and enjoying his time with the princesses, she pauses.
>...Grrrr...you know what? Fuck him. He can burn in hell for all I care.
Turns around and walk away.
 
"DT wait!"
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 
Non-canon to the non-canon branch. I just felt compelled to write this for some reason.
 
>DT
"Spike"
~~~~
>Spike?
 
"Ah! DT! It's not what it looks like. I meant to find you and-"
 
DT starts dragging Spike away.
>Look just walk with me so we can chat for a moment.
 
"Wait, I was-"
 
>You'll have plenty of time later. Just come with me.
After they walk a distance away where Rarity and Applejack are out of view.
 
"What's this ab-mmph!"
DT gives Spike a deep kiss.
"...*gasps for air*...w-what was that about?"
 
>I was wondering what's so special about you that you have 2 princesses fawning after you, so...I wanted a taste.
 
"R-really?"
 
>...Hmph it's funny. I have a tiara on my butt and I practically am royalty, but I guess I could never compete with 2 real princesses. I should have known...but what bugs me the most is your choice in mares.
 
"Hey, what's that suppose to mean?! They're-"
 
>You do realize you're with older mares, right? They're adults and you're still pretty much just a kid. You're my fucking age, damn it! You don't think their pedo shit is the least bit creepy? I can't believe Princess Twilight lets them do this shit, or how nobody calls them out! By the way, your taste in mares is shitty too. I'm five times the mare they'll ever be and I'm not even in my prime yet! I'm growing up as much as you are, so look at me too damn you!
 
"I...I didn't know you-umph!"
She gives him another kiss.
 
>...One more for the road.
Shoves Spike to the ground.
"Oooph!"
 
>There's no way in hell I'm going to be a part of your harem. Enjoy fucking your pedophile princesses.
She walks away.
 
"I'm...I'm so confused."
 
While DT walks away.
>You're an idiot, Spike.....I fucking hate you.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 
Cancelled bad ending branch for DT
Non-canon and incomplete
DT laments
 
>DT
"SS"
~~~~
DT sits in front of a fountain.
>So much for our anniversary.
 
"Tiara? Why did we leave Spike like that?"
 
>What's the point? He's not going to leave their sides now.
 
"You don't know that. We can still catch them if we go back now."
 
>*sigh* Everything is ruined. I really did wanted to do something nice for once. What a joke.
 
"What do you mean?"
 
>I...I wanted to celebrate the anniversary of the club's formation. I wanted everypony to be together, but 77 got Cheerilee, 42's with Shining and Cadence, and PJ's is...who knows where she is. I was hoping...I was hoping Spike was going to be different. I thought he was going to hang out with us at least...but all he wants is to get some stay with his lousy princesses. We didn't even do much together and I'm...*sniff*...really really pissed!
As DT starts tearing up SS hugs her
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 
>Spike
"???"
~~
 
>Figures... just... friggen figures.
 
"Spike?"
 
>Mm.
 
"Why... why are you banging your head on Rarity and Applejack's door?"
 
>Because they're not in there, Twilight.
 
"...Oh, shoot, I was going to ask them if they were coming over for the sleepover. Where do they keep running off to?"
 
>Dunno.
 
"Huh, good thing Chrysalis isn't here, she'd probably say something like 'well clearly they've fallen head over heels in love, and are running off to be together for funtimes!' or something."
 
>...
 
"...and I realize now that she is managing to get into my brain."
 
>Mind controlling bug monsters tend to do that.
 
"Hey, that's not nice. Some of your best friends are bug ponies!"
 
>42, 77, PJ and Two don't know how to mind control stuff... I think. Never asked.
 
"...Also, bug monster is kind of racist sounding."
 
>I have lots of Bug Monster friends, it's okay for me to use that word.
 
"Not sure that's how that works."
 
>Mneh.
 
"Well, come on!"
 
>No magic gripping, stop that.
 
"Nope, I am having a sleepover right now, and you are so invited!"
 
>Twi...
 
"Hey, come on, I can't have a sleepover without one of my very best friends."
 
>...fine.
 
"That's the spirit! And I'm sure Rarity and Applejack will show up soon, they can't have gone far."
 
>I guess you're right.
 
"...Seriously, though, the BM thing sounds bad."
 
>Don't try to censor me.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
NC
 
"Hi, I'm Applejack 12. Some of you may remember me from that time you probably tried to set me on fire. But I'm here today with my friend 13 to talk about a very important matter."
 
"And that matter is... Bug Monster."
 
"This is a very offensive term, and using it to describe us is hurtful."
 
"It demeans us, making it sound like not only are we evil monsters, but we're insects at the same time."
 
"We're not. We think, have feelings, and get hurt just like you."
 
"The chitin on our outside doesn't protect the heart inside from hurting."
 
>Cut to- Applejack 2 sitting in the middle of the room, bottom lip wibbling
 
"So Please don' call me that. Please? I'll share my marchmalleys with ya' if you don't."
 
>Both join her from either side.
 
"So please. Stop the hate."
 
"Stop the hate."
 
"Cause it makes us feel sad, just like when you feel sad."
 
"Let's end this problem... together."
 
DO DO DO DOOOOOOO!
 
>"THE MORE YOU KNOW" flashes across the screen.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 
>DT
~~~~~
 
>Hi, I'm Diamond Tiara. Don't pretend you don't know who I am. And I'm here to talk to you all because my presence has inspired some of you to try to be a hero, just like me. Well, I'm here to tell you...
 
She smiles.
 
>You can't be me.
 
CUT TO- DT sitting in a training room with TBDRLIATU on her shoulders, idly destroying everything.
 
>You can't be me.
 
CUT TO- her falling out of the sky, destroying flying opponents was she does so.
 
>You can't be me.
 
CUT TO- her on the high seas, shooting a whale in the face.
 
>Because you see... you just don't have what it takes to be me.
 
CUT TO- her in the middle of a lab.
 
>I'm brilliant...
 
CUT TO- her in Celestia's throneroom
 
>Influential.
 
CUT TO- her on a giant pile of money
 
>And oh, oh so very rich. You can't be me because you're none of those things, or just a measly one of those things. You have to be ALL of those things to be me and of course...
 
CUT TO- Her in front of a fireplace, draped enticingly over TBDRLIATU
 
>You just don't have him, do you? Mmm, no, you don't, but I do, because I'm me. So no, you can't be me...
 
Zoom in on her face as her smile grows wide.
 
>So don't even try.
 
CUT TO- TITLE CARD READING "Don't even bother trying, you'll just fail" IN BRIGHT BOLD LETTERS!
 
~~~~~~~
 
>Well? What did you think?
 
"Well, our juvenile vigilantism is down to the lowest it's ever been."
 
>Success!
 
"But our suicide rates have skyrocketed."
 
>....Succ-
 
"..."
 
>... I mean, how tragic...
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 
>Cadence
"SS"
~~~~
>You there!
 
"Uh me?"
 
>You're young. What do kids consider cool these days?
 
"Uh, I don't know...um twin-tail manes?"
 
>Hmmm, twin-tails...what else?
 
"Ummm...glasses? ...duckface? ...a cool pose?"
 
>Yes...I see. What are music that kids still find cool? Is Metallicolt still cool?
 
"WHAT! UH NO! DEFINITLY NOT. I'M INTO NO DIRECTION AND JUSTICE BEAVER."
 
>Ugh...maybe I'll give them a shot...I guess. Thanks for the advice.
 
"No problem Princess Cadence"
She smiles awkwardly as Cadence walks out of view.
 
"No one must ever know...I'm actually a metalhead."
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 
>Flash
"Fizzle"
 
"A COOKHOUSE?! PENNY BUILT A GODDAMN COOKHOUSE IN HERE?!"
 
>Shut up and hand me the salsa! This freakin' {HOMARUS GAMMARUS}- thing isn't done yet!
 
"I don't think Griffons like salsa! You're just making this dish up as you go along you bolt bucket!"
 
>Yeah well I wasn't the one who incinerated the-{SENSUAL METAL POLE GYRATOR} who was cooking this!
 
"She looked like a cop, man! I can't go back in! DB keeps going after me there! You don't know what it's like!"
 
>THAT WAS HER STRIPPER OUTFIT YOU DUMB FUCK!-*WRRRRRRRRKKCKKKCKHHC*....Damnit! Now the lobsters a puree!
 
"When in ever was it a good idea to cook with a chainsaw!?"
 
>Well that salsa is going to have to be the focal poi-{PIECE DE RESISTANCE}....WHEN DID I LEARN FANCY?!
 
"No salsa! Only this! Here-*fwoosh*"
 
>...-{ERROR}
 
"Oh what? What did I possibly do wrong?"
 
>Chocolate.....Peanut butter.....mix....that is on....FIRE?!
 
"Crag and Fissure like it! So would they!"
 
>These are Griffon Monarchs! Not your dumb slag-head dragon "bros"! Now we have to serve up some kind of...this!
 
"Hey, don't you go calling the King and Queen of Dragons slag-'eads, that's disrespectful"
 
>Oh why don't we just go all out and throw some TANGY CHEESE CRUNCHITOS at it then?! And sprinkle it with a dash of MESA MOISTURE?
 
"You know what? Fine!... but this cheese block doesn't have any holes in it! it's no us-
 
>GraaaaAAAAA-*BLABLAMWRTBLABLAMWRTBLABLAMWRTBLABLAMWRT*-THERE! HOLED!
 
"You just shot that whole block into dust!
 
>I need a beer....Need....Mental....LUBRICANT!
 
"Hey do you think the kitchen was meant to have these many bullet holes and scorch marks?"
 
>Nope, now's the time-{BAD MENS INBOUND} to see how well you are at booking it
 
*THUMP THUMP THUMP*
 
"Whassat?!"
 
>Oh nothing, just a few more strippers to see you- IT'S SECURITY DUMBASS! NOW RUN!
 
They flee
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________