Title:           Thread 22: Stories 46-60
Author:          PrincessApplejack
Pastebin link:   http://pastebin.com/u5wBKPQY
First Edit:      Wednesday 11th of June 2014 03:27:29 PM CDT
Last Edit:       Wednesday 11th of June 2014 03:27:29 PM CDT

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 
Non-canon.
 
>Applejack
“Spike”
‘Two’
_______
 
‘Heeeeey, big sis! Big bro!’
 
>Two! Well, tan my hide-
 
“With my claws, face, or tail?”
 
>…Ha! So Loverboy has jokes!
 
“More than that, applebutt. Look at this list Twilight made for reasons I’m still trying to figure out. According to this thing and based on the length of time I was in those caves, I’ve got a lot of suggestive innuendo to make up f-”
 
‘…’
>…
 
“…soooooo anyway! Did you need something, Two?”
 
She shook her head experimentally, easily forgetting what she’d just heard in lieu of her news.
 
‘Yeah! Yeah, yeah, y’all gotta come see this! I met this weird pony down on the fifth corridor!’
 
A sudden stillness overtook Applejack’s office and her back stiffened. Spike’s tail slipped between his legs, pupils shrinking to pinpricks.
 
>Y… y’all went down t-to the fifth wing…?
 
Two nodded excitedly, practically hopping on her hooftips with her wings buzzing.
 
‘Eeeyup! I saw some pretty cool stuff, too! I mean, not cooler than marchmalley's but wooooow, y’all gotta come see an’… um… is everything alright?’
 
Judging by the aghast looks surfacing over both their faces, no, nothing was alright. Like his neck had a crick, Spike slowly turned to stare at Applejack, who was staring right back, the lines of her clenched jaw showing.
 
‘Wus’ wrong? Did… did I do bad…?’
 
>N-no, sugarcube.
 
Of course she hadn’t done anything wrong. But they had, by not telling her to stay away from that particular part of Canterlot castle, the only corridor with a more jaded history than 77’s toilet. No one except the solar and lunar princesses themselves knew the full details, but vague snippets of a failed Nightmare Night experiment gone horribly wrong were among the top rumors to explain the… otherworldly occurrences of that hall.
 
Naturally, they had tried to tear it down and begin anew. They had tried many times. And each time, the hall resurrected itself… Eventually, it was just labeled off limits to all personnel.
 
‘Okey-dokey! So come on, then! Y’all gotta see this!’
 
And her little legs blurred as she shot from the room.
 
“Oh God no. NO! We… we don’t actually have to go there, do we?”
 
>Ah’m afraid so, loverboy….
 
“Nuh-uh. Applejack, no. I went down into those monster-riddled catacombs willingly, of my own volition, but the fifth corridor? Ha, fuck that, no, you couldn’t pay me to set one toe in there. Tell Two no. Call her back right now and say we’re not going.”
 
Spike’s expression was absolute, yet Applejack only fixed him with a tired smirk.
 
>Tell ‘er no, huh? Lemme run a scenario by you, Spike. If we tell ‘er no, whatta ya think that bundle’s gonna do next? Ask why. An’ when we say we don’t know, she’ll take to every pony with an operable mouth to get an answer. Heck, she might even jus’ go down there herself WITHOUT tellin’ us, then we’d really be in the shit. So here’s what we do to end this as quickly as possible: we go, give it the ol’ left an’ right glance, then leave.
 
In a flash, Spike was holding Charity. After checking to make sure every slot was filled with a round, he gave the chamber a good spin and pressed the muzzle to his temple.
 
“We’ll see what this says.”
 
>...Yer’ cute when you get like this, gotta say.
 
*click!*
 
“HOW? THE CHAMBER’S FULL!”
 
Applejack only stood with a labored sigh, not even surprised at this point.
 
>Let’s go.
 
~~~~~~~~~
 
The fifth corridor….
 
>…
“…”
 
‘EEEEEEEE! SO AWESOME!’
 
Perhaps to someone of a younger, more innocent outlook, the entrance to the fabled fifth corridor was indeed somewhat "awesome" with it’s eldritch décor, cobblestone ground and wall brackets fitted with flaming torches… but to her escorts, it was nothing but a scene of terror-inducing darkness.
 
“Nope.”
 
>Spike….
 
“Applejack, I love you, really, I do, but there’s no way I’m getting within spitting distance of-”
 
Two suddenly whirled around, her bottom lip poked out and quivering up a storm.
 
‘Y-you’re n-not comin’ with me?’
 
“…”
 
>Give it up, loverboy. Ya caught it full on in the face. The word ‘no’ ain’t in yer’ dictionary anymore.
 
“Son of a-”
 
‘Yaaaaay, onward we go!’
 
And onward they went, with Two valiantly leading the way and stepping over the threshold whereas Applejack and Spike walked as though there were shards of glass littered everywhere, cautiously and slowly.
 
Centuries old cobwebs were caked into the corners and the air was left stale due to a lack of circulation. Even with the crackling fires overhead, there was a foreboding chill that even Spike felt through his scales. The ghastly atmosphere seemed lost on Two, however, as she sang aloud, her voice echoing off the peeling walls.
 
>Uh, Two? Sweetie pie darlin’? Maybe ya shouldn’t be so loud….
 
‘Huh? Why not?’
 
When Spike answered, his voice was barely above a whisper.
 
“Because there’s a very real chance you might wake the dead.”
 
‘…what? Pffffhahaha, you’re funny, Spike!’
 
“Right? I’m a real laugh a minute….”
 
 
Counting their steps since they first entered, Applejack had just reached forty, or close enough for her comfort, when Two led them around a corner and suddenly squealed with joy, pointing excitedly with a hoof.
 
‘There! There he is! I knew he’d still be here!’
 
Spike’s gaze followed her hoof, and he felt his heart sputter like a dying car.
 
“Oh… my… God.”
 
>What in tarnation…?
 
What looked to be the decapitated torso of a pony wrapped in cellophane was slowly dragging itself across the roughhewn floor towards them, leaving a trail of grisly muck in its wake. How in the world Two knew this creature was a male was answered by the severed stallions head wedged underneath a nearby door, a head also covered in plastic wrap that began to unleash an unholy shriek upon sighting them with its milky-white eyes.
 
‘He can get a bit loud, can’t he? Yelled at me too the first time. Where d’ya think he put the rest of his body, Spike?’
 
But Spike was out cold, having fainted seconds prior while in the middle of arming Charity.
 
‘Spike? You okaaaaAAAAAYYYY-’
 
An orange hue had enveloped both Two and the unconscious Spike, lifting them onto Applejack’s back before the apple princess took off in the opposite direction, back the way they’d come. Her frantic hoofsteps pounded against the rocky floor but it wasn’t loud enough to drown out the tormented wailing that followed.
 
‘Where we goin’, sis? Don’cha think we oughta help him find his head? I’m pretty sure he’s lookin’ for it!’
 
>HE CAN FIND IT HIMSELF!
 
‘Oh… okay!’
 
~~~~~~~
 
 
Spike’s eyes shot open, terror anew causing him to quickly glance about.
 
“Where-”
 
>Easy, sugarcube, easy. Yer’ safe, alright? Safe an' sound in mah bed. Took a bump to the noggin when ya passed out, though.
 
“I’m surprised that’s all I took... is Two alright?”
 
>Doin’ fine. Like Ah figured, she’s curious about the fifth corridor but Ah made her promise on a bag of marchmalley’s never to go snoopin’ there by herself, or ever for that matter.
 
Spike exhaled with relief.
 
“Good. That’s really good… Did you tell Celestia yet?”
 
>Nah, not gonna. She’s got enough on her plate without this, Ah reckon. ‘Sides, everyone old enough already knows what haunts that hallway, an’ her magic barrier’s still keepin’ ‘em from gettin’ to other parts of the castle.
 
“Yeah, but shouldn’t we, like… do something about it, though? We’ve got ghosts in there that even Tartarus wouldn’t accept for crying out loud!”
 
>Leave it, sugar. When the time’s right, we’ll do something. But fer’ right now? Let’s jus’… be thankful it’s over.
 
Spike nodded and for a moment, the two of them merely enjoyed the silence... until Spike clenched the covers in trembling claws.
 
“It… the one that we saw, that was the second sign, right? The Torso?”
 
>Eeeyup….
 
“Right... Well... Thank Celestia it wasn’t the Jackal, eh?”
 
>Eeeyup.
 
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 
>Teacher
"Students"
'2'
~~~~~
 
>Now class, I know there has been a lot of talk here recently, and I know there are some worries due to our... past history-
 
"Is the giant Changeling monster going to stomp us?"
 
>No, she's not. Why do you ask?
 
"Because she stomped everywhere else?"
 
"Except Ponyville."
 
"Really?"
 
"Just what my mom said she read in the paper."
 
"My paper said Princess Celestia moved her."
 
"My moms said it wasn't her, it was a changeling."
 
"Well I heard it was princess Luna!... From this paper."
 
>...Mine says Princess Twilight.
 
'But auntie Twilight wasn't even there!'
 
>Two, I see that bag of marshmallows.
 
'I brought enough fer' everybody!'
 
>That's the problem! Their parents are complaining that they're getting fat!
 
"THE TEMPTATION IS TOO STRONG!"
 
"You could tell her not to bring them."
 
>No, no I couldn't. Her adoptive father defeated that thing that stomped Canterlot flat. Sometimes you just have to smile and nod.
 
'...Shiny wouldn't hurt you!'
 
"He wouldn't. I've been to her castle a bunch of times. He makes crispy treats."
 
"...Can I have some?"
 
'SURE!... but ya' gotta wait till he gets home, he's gone on stuff fer' a bit.'
 
"Could your mom make them?"
 
'...uh.. Shiny says Caddy isn't allowed near the stove when he's not home.'
 
>...This child is going to pay for my retirement all by herself.
 
'What?'
 
>NOTHING! Teacher has to go... write a letter to a paper real quick... be right back!
 
"...That was weird."
 
"...SHARE!"
 
'Don't be mean!'
 
"...Please?"
 
'Okay!'
 
"...This is going straight to my thighs, and I don't care."
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 
>Chitania
"Titania"
~~~~~~
 
"So predictable."
 
Of course, it was too much to hope that just once she could go a fucking year without meeting up with that bitch. Even lands mostly inhabited by dragons couldn't keep her away.
 
"Always bailing out the morons around us."
 
Don't respond. More anger than normal is all that can come from this.
 
"Instead of achieving greatness like we could be."
 
>You don't even know what greatness is!
 
Damn it.
 
And, naturally, she just smiles.
 
"Well, why don't you tell me. Go on, tell me how the spare parts are so worth the effort."
 
>Fuck off, Titania, I'm tired.
 
"Of course you are! Because you just had to fight off two dragons because that moron stumbled right into them and tried to sap their love! DRAGONS! Dragons don't LOVE!"
 
>It was dumb, Titania, I agree.
 
"Good, then maybe you will reconsider my proposal. I just need you to let a few die, that's all. A few Queens is all it would take, and we could start making actual headway in a war with the ponies. My might would crush any who opposed us with just a few hives more to my armor!"
 
>...feh, you would be no match for the Sun Raiser, even if you had a dozen hives in your macabre armor.
 
"Better used to power me than wasting space!"
 
>I am done talking with you, cousin. I am starting to grow angry.
 
"Let them die!"
 
>NO!
 
"We could rule this world, together. I would be more than happy to let you have a sizable stake in it. Just let the idiots die, that's all I ask. You don't even have to sully your fucking hooves, just don't answer when they call. I will take care of the rest."
 
They say laughter is the best medicine.
 
>So are you going to finally call your minions out of that dirt around you or what?
 
Her eyes flickered wide, almost as if she found it surprising. Honestly? That was fairly insulting.
 
>Oh, what, did you really think I didn't know you brought others? You are far too reliant on their power to ever make a move on your own.
 
Oh good, the angry growl. That means the fun is about to start.
 
"Y-you... you are the one who knows nothing of greatness!"
 
Popping out of the sand like daisies, each of her drones carrying chunks of their fellow species on their backs. As expected, her magic came to life, and the pieces all began to combine together around her. Such a disgusting creature it made...
 
"This is MY POWER! Not theirs, MINE! And soon I'll have your power too!"
 
But it was kind of funny to watch her tiny little head poked out through the middle of that thing before ducking back in like a scared gopher.
 
Still, this is clearly a problem that needs to be dealt with.
 
Via punching.
 
>You know, Titania, I should kill you here, but I won't. Because, as loath as I am to admit it, without you to serve as a stress relief...
 
No matter how many times she did it, that magic would always be the ultimate rush.
 
>...I would probably come off as irritable.
 
"FUCK YOU!"
 
>No...
 
There maybe a scowl, but damn that felt good.
 
>FUCK YOU!
 
As promised, she would leave her alive.
 
But those teeth were going to make one hell of a necklace.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 
>Fluttershy
"Braeburn"
'???'
{Discord}
~~~~~
 
>Um, excuse me...
 
"Well howdy Fluttershy! Shoot, ain't never thought I'd see the real you you down here by yourself!"
 
*POP!*
 
{How rude, she clearly didn't come down here alone!}
 
"Mister, iffin' ya'll could turn the world rightside up again, that'd be swell."
 
>Discord, you can't hide and blame them for not noticing you.
 
{Ohh, if you say so!}
 
*SNAP!*
 
"...Mah' head was just inside out."
 
>By the way, um, 'real you'?
 
"Well, yeah! Fake you was running around here not that long ago, doin' some real strange things. Rockin' out ta' heavy metal music and breakin' windows! There was one'a you too."
 
{And clearly you hid underneath your desk until they ran off. Well, point us in the right direction and we shall-}
 
"They're that pile o' ash right there."
 
{...You ponies are far more hardcore than expected.}
 
"Weren't us, was... uh... a mysterious stranger."
 
>... Is it him?
 
Slowly, the changeling trying to hide behind the porch slunk down further.
 
'NO!'
 
{It's him, isn't it?}
 
'DUNNO WHAT YOU MEAN OLD BEAN! Ain't never been in a fight in me layf!'
 
{Are you on fire?}
 
'...No!'
 
>We saw you put it out.
 
'No you di'in, ah'm a strong fire free chan-er, pony!'
 
{You're not disguised.}
 
>And your accent is terrible.
 
'...LOOK! A THING!'
 
>There's nothing-
 
"Jus' do it."
 
*FWOOOM!*
 
{...he does realize I didn't turn away, right?}
 
>He can fly with fire? How does that work?
 
"Just... just keep looking the other way. Poor fella needs ta' think he's got us fooled."
 
>Why?
 
"Secret identity."
 
{...I'm the lord of crazy, and even I think that's crazy.}
 
>...That mare has been staring at him for a while.
 
"Yeah, we think she's sweet on him, but he's thicker than an apple made o' rocks."
 
>...Soooo...
 
"Wanna stick around for a hoedown?"
 
{DO I!?}
 
*SNAP!*
 
>Not those kinds of hos!
 
{Please?}
 
>DISCORD!
 
{...Dang it.}
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 
>Suckerpunch
"AJ41"
 
>Hrrrrngh!
 
"FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK!"
 
>Get...offa...me...
 
"NOOOOO! This was a terrible idea!"
 
>You're...telling...me!
 
The two are treading water in a local swimming pool. Well, one is, the other seems keen to stay perched on his head.
 
"I can't swiiiiim! This sucks! You suck! Swimming race proves nothing!"
 
>Why...didn't...you...say so!?
 
"I did!"
 
>You didn't!
 
"I thought it LOUDLY!"
 
>Quit dunking me!
 
"No! Pay for your criiiiimes!"
 
>I drown...you drown!
 
"Good! Learn your lesson! This is like that foible-"
 
>Fable!
 
"Shut up! The one with the scorpion and the...the other thing! I wanna say it was a mongoose...the scorpion and the mongoose! You knew what I was when you picked me up!"
 
>You leaped...onto me!
 
"JUST PADDLE DAMN YOU!"
 
>WE'RE! IN! THE! SHALLOW! END!
 
"..."
 
Sheepishly the changeling steps off her living lifeboat, finding that the water barely comes up to her thighs.
 
"Oh."
 
>...
 
"So draw?"
 
>I fucking hate you sometimes.
 
"Aren't we supposed to hate each other all the time?"
 
>Shut up.
 
"Not my fault you're slacking off on the hate."
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 
>SA
"Pinkie"
'Sombra'
~~~
 
>What do you mean, "We're not where we're supposed to be!?"
 
"Don't ask me! I didn't drive us off course and send us in the wrong direction. They won't let me drive the train, Shiny, I failed my "Train driver license test" too many times!"
 
>...You need a license for that? Wow, I have broken, just, so many laws in the past.
 
'I have spoken with our conductor, and he says it must have been a malfunction in the railway system. He will not have it restarted until morning.'
 
>A malfunction? We're in MANEHATTEN!
 
'If you have an explanation for why we veered off course so suddenly, I would love to hear it. So would they, actually.'
 
>You know what? Fine. It's fine. We'll just stay here for the night. In the most crowded city in Equestria. DURING A BUSINESS CONVENTION. I'm sure we will absolutely have no trouble finding a hotel-
 
"Found one! But they only had one room left, so we've got to share."
 
>Oh, Pinkie, you didn't have to do that. You should have let me pay.
 
"I did! With this stuff I borrowed from you."
 
>...So do you just have no sense of personal space?
 
"Eh, kind of varies. Sometimes I've got perfect reasoning behind everything, sometimes I just feel like ringing my head in a bell for a bit."
 
>...Well, it's getting dark, let's just go to bed so we can get an early start tomorrow. I'm sure the room is fine.
 
"...Try to lower your expectations."
 
>It can't be that ba-
~~~~~~
 
>-dminton. Those mice are playing badminton. In the middle of the table.
 
"Yeah..."
 
>Okay, did you not mention I'm the PRINCE?
 
"Nope!"
 
>Or that you are a several time savoir of Equestria?
 
"Nopers! Don't like to brag!"
 
'...She's sincere, you have to at least give her that.'
 
>You shut up, you get to float.
 
'I would recommend a showed, but those cockroaches likely do not want to be disturbed.'
 
>...CLEANBUBBLE!
 
*SHWOM!*
 
"Holy crap Shiny!"
 
'That is a nifty trick... even if it did just shove it all to the side.'
 
>ANTI BUG BUBBLE!
 
"Oh wow."
 
'It's just... a swarm. This room is a health hazard.'
 
>BLANKET BUBBLE!
 
"..."
 
'...'
 
>...That's your cue to pull out those blankets I saw you pack.
 
"That was a parachute."
 
>...W-...what?
 
'Reasonable or random explanation?'
 
"Could go either way, depending."
 
>...Let's just go to sleep. I didn't need blankets back in my barracks, I don't need them now. Pinkie, try to stay on your half of the bed, you look like you drool.
 
"HAH! I am totally going to tell Chrysalis we slept together."
 
>Now, see, you think that would bother her, but it would probably have the opposite effect.
 
"Sorry, Shiny! I'm not joining your harem."
 
>It's not a harem if I don't sleep with them! Why does nobody get this!?
 
"Comedy!"
 
*CONFETTIPOP!*
 
>...Just go to bed.
 
'Can I get an anti-bug bubble too? They want to make a nest in me.'
 
>ANTI-BUG BUBBLE!
 
'...Oh, okay, you scream that every time. That changes my opinions on the previous ones slightly.'
 
"Goodnight Shiny!"
 
>Goodnight, Pinkie.
 
"...Hey, Shiny?"
 
>Didn't even last two seconds.
 
"I just wanted to ask, and I know this sounds silly but... what's it like to be in love? Like, really, really, really in love?"
 
>...Ahh... Okay, imagine the best party you ever had, remember that feeling you had when you first opened the door, and you just knew everything was going to be amazing? I mean, you know there's going to be bad stuff, like cleaning up afterwards or someone slipping on spilled punch or something, but right now, it doesn't matter. The bad stuff just... just isn't enough to bring it down. It's going to end with you feeling happier than you ever thought.
 
"Yeah?"
 
>...It's like that, but every time you see their face.
 
"...It sounds nice."
 
>It is.
 
"...She's lucky, Shiny. Most guys wouldn't have lasted like you did when she started ignoring you."
 
>Heh. Have to stick through the parts where someone spikes the punch to get to the big dance off.
 
"..You ever want, you know, more?"
 
>Pinkie...
 
He just had to close his eyes, and there they all were.
 
>I already have more than I ever deserved.
 
"Daww.... g'night, Shiny."
 
>Goodnight.
 
No time left for the waking world, they were waiting. All courtesy of a little favor given by a certain alicorn's current favorite aunt.
 
But in the darkness, a pair of floating eyes held much less warm feelings than the pair shared.
 
'If I had been like you...'
 
Of course, neither answered, and that was probably for the better. Best not to dwell too much on the could have been. Or, at least, that's what he told himself.
 
His mind seemed to disagree.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 
>2
"Students"
'Cadence'
~~~~~
 
>Marchmalley snowman? Ah' gotta say, Ah'm beat. But you know, you were there but Ah' didn' eat 'cha. Cause yer' my buddy, no matter what Caddy says about tha' ants.
 
"What's wrong with you?"
 
>Caddy an' me were up past bedtime cause I wanted ta' know 'bout princess stuff.
 
"And?"
 
>Welll...
 
~~~~~~
 
'THIS IS SOME SCOOPER DOODLE! What kind of funky dancing message is "lay around and wait for a prince"!? I didn't do this! I ran to Shiny!... I mean, yeah, Twilight had to come help me first, but I still did it!... Why do none of these princesses do Princess stuff!? Where's the negotiations, the land regulations, the politics!? It's just monsterfighting! Monsterfighting monsterfighting mother I love you MONSTERFIGHTNG... It's okay, we have books. Books with regular information on political stuff, books that... that.... that I have no idea what they mean. What is the regulations on our land access, and does our border encompass more than... Oh sweet Auntie Celestia what did I do with my life!? I spent all of highschool goofing off and not doing Princess stuff! WHAT WAS I THINKING!? NOOOO! THIS IS ALL WROOOONG!'
 
~~~~~~
 
>....She said she'd get back ta' me, so we're doin' it again tonight!
 
"That doesn't sound so bad.'
 
>It can't be, 18 was laughin' like crazy the whole time!
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 
non canon of course
 
>AppleJack
 
Applejack was toiling away in her office, filling out form after form. All to correct the mistakes of the past and make sure that Equestria would stay afloat another day. As the Princess of Paperwork finished another stack, she noticed something leaning against the wall.
 
>Is that a pair o’ hedge clippers?
 
Next to her office door was a pair of hedge clippers that were never there before. Seeing this as an opportunity to be the Earth Princess she was originally if only for a little bit, she grab the clippers and called out the door.
 
>Spike Ah’m headin’ out for a few minutes.
 
She didn’t wait for a reply as she headed out the window with her hedge clippers in tow on her way to the garden. Going to town doing the landscaping made her feel the most overjoyed work she had in a long time.
 
>Ah love these Hedge clippers.
 
Feeling confident she decides to try and use her magic to do some of the cutting. At first it seems like she has got the hang of it but them she loses control of the clippers and the fly out her sight. She goes to turn to look for them when- *shurk*
 
>AHHHHHH!
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 
>18
"32"
~~
 
"Back so soo-"
 
>IGNORING YOU LALALALALALALALALALAL-
 
"SO MATURE!"
 
>GONNASEEFLIMANFLAMLALALALALalal...
 
"...I'll get her on the backswing... do do doooo... Lord, I'm hungry. What's the prison etiquette there? I mean, I've always heard stories about 'prison bitches' that get stuff for sex, but I've never seen it actually happen... would that technically be prostitution? Is that legal?... Why am I asking that when I'm IN prison? What are they going to do, prison me harder?... That came out pretty sexua- 18! STOP!
 
>LALALALALANOMOREMINDGAMESWHOWOULDTALKTOYOUTHAT'SSTUPIDLALALALALA-
 
"Can I have some more love please?"
 
>LALA..la... oh damn it.
 
"I'm just asking. You have a lot to spare."
 
>No, no you cannot. Because you are crazy.
 
"I am not! I am perfectly sane!"
 
>Name one sane thing you've done since Chitania attacked.
 
"...I have my moments!"
 
>Look, why me?
 
"Because you're here? And I know for a fact you think the Bitch Queen is every bit as stupid as she looks."
 
>She has her-
 
"Almost as stupid as that pink ninny you serve under. The pink ninny who decided to neglect her husband and ignore her empire, but not you. No, you took up her slack. And yet, are you ever rewarded in the way you deserve to be? No. He'd much rather fuck that airhead while she covers herself in more makeup, her needs are your responsibilities. Does that seem fair? Of course it doesn't. But what if I told you I could... help?"
 
>...Say, buddy? You wanted some love, right?
 
"Yes, and I do believe you have enough to ensure a little-"
 
Hello ceiling, his old friend. He's come to meet with you again. Flicked upward at the speed of hurting, no more words will he blurting.
 
>How's that?
 
"...This is the part where you kiss it better."
 
>No, this is the part where I bite down a threat and say FUCK YOU.
 
With a HMPH! She turned and started to trot off.
 
"...Note to self, Cadence and her have a connection."
 
His chin was smarting, but he was still smiling.
 
"We can work with this."
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 
>2
"Students"
'Spike'
~~~
School lets out
 
"Man, Two, you lead such an awesome life. Royalty, no weird family, all the marshmallows-"
 
>What's a marshmallow?
 
"And other treats you could ever want. Anything you're missing?"
 
"... How about a cool, dragon older brother with a hoverbike?"
 
'Hey, Two, I'm here to pick you up!'
 
>Hey, Spike!
 
Two rushes over and catches the helmet Spike passes to her
 
'Been enjoying that crown I made ya?'
 
>Yep! It toasts marchmallys great!
 
"A crown that toasts marshmallows... So unfair."
 
Spike pauses and sighs at the envious kids
 
'If you ask your parents and teacher's permissions and get a 'yes', i'll bring down the hoverbike here some time give give each of you a ride.'
 
"A really cool older brother."
 
'Let's head home, Two.'
 
>Hoverbike, away!
 
"... That's it, I'm calling her princess mary sue from now on!"
 
"Tall poppy syndrome much?"
 
"So unfair..."
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 
>29
"10"
'MM'
[Zecora]
{BBB}
~~~~
 
>WELL THIS-
 
*BLAM!*
 
>-IS JUST FLUBBING-
 
*BLAM!*
 
>-DANDY!
 
"Oh, you don't have to censor yourself, camera's off."
 
>IT IS FOR THE CHILDREN!
 
"Right, gotcha, I respect that. Lotta respecto for dads who set a good example, even if the kids are just in their heads."
 
'They actually are real. Didn't you see the flashing?'
 
"Kind of figured that had something to do with the zombies."
 
{BZZZZZZT! GET SOME!}
 
*DAKADAKADAKADAKADAKA*
 
"And everyone freaked out when I reloaded his weapons. Shows them!"
 
[My friend of chitin I have to ask, why did the child require this task?]
 
>I GUESS HE WAS A ZOMBIE FAN!
 
*BLAMBLAMBLAM!*
 
'Kind of rude not to watch it all the way through.'
 
"Also, MAJOR mis-allocation of my time. While I appreciate the whole "Film what happens next" thing you offered me, I'm more about the news. This is an angry orphan spirit summoning zombies with hell powers because he thinks it's cool... which I'm pretty sure my readers would think is fiction?"
 
'It's actually happening, though.'
 
"I am in a bit of a journalist conundrum here, aren't I? Wanna tell it like it is, but it is kind of nuts."
 
>HOW MANY OF THESE THINGS ARE THERE!?
 
"Dunno, how many are on average in an "Ancient burial ground"?"
 
[...I wish I had brought my special herbs so I could do this stoned. This isn't quite what I wanted when I said I wanted to be boned.]
 
'You're complaining? At least you have those weird dissolvey powders. I'm an earth pony with no training at all.'
 
"So why are you here?"
 
>TO THE DEPTHS SO FOUL, YE WRETCHED TWISTS OF SINEW AND ROT! YE DAMNED THINGS OF AN AGE NOT OUR OWN! TO HELL WITH YOU ONCE MORE! BURN IN THE GLORY OF THINE OF SKIN ABLAZE!
 
'... I love the sexy talk.'
 
[It's nice.]
 
"...Okay, keep it PG13 guys, camera's rolling again."
 
'Really?'
 
"Worst case scenario, I sell this to a movie production company and make a MINT."
 
'...'
[...]
 
"...What? I'm not lying about any facts here."
 
>BUUUUUUURRRN!
 
"...A. Mint."
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>Chrysalis
"Shiny"
------------
"No."
 
>Oh come on! Canterlot have an entire hall of these things and you wont even let me have one?
 
"First: That hall is for extremely historic events, not showboating your own greatness, and Second: Me and Cadence didnt get one for double-hoofingly stopping your entire invasion with a giant love bubble without causing a single casualty on your end, so you are not getting one for showboating your own greatness."
 
>I still dont get how that happened, some of them were inside buildings, they didnt even leave exit holes!
 
"I choose to believe it was the power of love."
 
> That's so cheesy i'm getting fat just hearing it.
 
"The alternative is beliving that a outerdimensional being on a higher plane of existance can warp our reality on a whim and decided to spare the lives of you and your hive because of reasons unfathomable to equestrian-life."
 
>....It feels like i should blame celestia for this, but sorta...
 
"Upways leftside-terracotta?"
 
>That is oddly specific and even more oddly correct.
 
"Just blame Celestia, she said more than a few ponies went a little crazy trying to follow that feeling."
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 
>Cadence
"Chrysalis"
'18'
~~~
>Sooo.... What do you think of the new stained glass room?
 
"... I feel so cheated."
 
>Aw, come on, what's wrong with it?!
 
"You didn't put in a real stained glass window of me, you just had some painters paint me on the more transparent wall interiors!"
 
>They were the best artists in the Empire!
 
"The paint is fucking running! I feel-! ugh! I'm not gonna take this, I'm gonna bug Celestia."
 
>... Is it really that bad?
 
'Well, maybe? I dunno. I mean I'm honestly really honored you guys gave me my own window. Totally not gonna look this gift horse in the mouth. ... Am I really that chunky?'
 
>Well... you are developing a bit of a pooch and a bum.
 
'Ugh... Good thing I'm not even trying to look like you anymore. Think Shiny likes meaty girls though?'
 
>Eh, Shiny's not a 'looks' kind of guy. I theorize that his Sparklejoule count is so high he literally perceives people as blotched of good and love and by how much. Like he's The One.
 
'That's the most ridiculous and touching thing I've ever heard.'
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 
non-canon
>Shining Armor
"Various changelings"
~~~
>Duuuuuuude...
 
One changeling makes you larger
 
"Hey, Shining dude, you okay?"
 
>Guys, just... just keep walking around
 
One changelings makes you small
 
"Should we be worried?"
 
"Eh, he's paying us in love."
 
And the one they call 'Queen' doesn't do anything at all
 
Go ask Shiny
 
When he's ten feet tall
 
>I'm trippin' balls.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 
>10
"Chrysalis"
~~~~
 
>So... say it again?
 
"NO!"
 
>Kay, right, thought that's what ya' said and I am with ya' here, I am on board... buuuut, just to clarify... no?
 
"WHY IS THIS NOT GETTING THOUGH!?"
 
>Look, I'm JUST saying, a whoooole lotta guys wanna know bout the new changeling running around. Point of importance, you see. Wanna know it like it is, and that's kind of what I do, it's my job.
 
"You are not to get within a hundred miles of that thing!"
 
>...Okay, issue's cropping up here, minor issue but I'm through, this is how I roll. Most of us are within a hundred miles of her. Including me right now. And you. And the hive. A hundred miles is a big place. Big place.
 
"YOU GET THE IDEA! I don't want anyone getting the impression she is anything but evil!"
 
>...Sooo... what if I just ask her about her hive? Just checkin', is there anything not evil about her hive? Like, if I said "Tell me about your mom", what would come out besides bad, as far as you know?
 
"...Huh."
 
>Which means they know the bad stuff, right?
 
"Right..."
 
>Which is how it is.
 
"...That is how it is."
 
>Soooo...
 
"...Good work."
 
>Fair warnin', Ah'm going to put me a big old "Parental advisory" thing on the top, and I'm not going to censor ANYTHING she says. Everything she says pure raw is goin' on paper. That cool?
 
"That is... 'cool'. Make sure to publish EVERYTHING she says about Sciderella. Everything."
 
>Can do! Tellin' it like it is!
 
"Bring your little machine and make sure he is armed. If she goes for you, kill her."
 
>...Uh... kay?
 
"Good. Have fun, 10."
 
>Can do!... Man, do not know why ponies call you unreasonable, you're perfectly reasonable!
 
"It's a mystery to us all."
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________