Title:           /pol/ Anon in Equestria! (300th Thread Special!)
Author:          Pony_Azathoth
Pastebin link:   http://pastebin.com/W23H6YnG
First Edit:      Thursday 19th of July 2012 04:32:15 AM CDT
Last Edit:       Thursday 19th of July 2012 04:32:15 AM CDT

>One fine day, Mr.Anonymous was browsing /pol/
>He was getting educated about the world and politics and stuff
>And by Educated, I mean he was getting totally fucking fooled by 99.9% trolls and 00.1% Crazy Fucks
>Suddenly, he fell back in his comfy 1st world chair, unplugging his mouse made in Taiwan and sending a spark shooting into his open mouth, which mixed with the government approved and genetically modified pop-tart in his mouth.
>The last thing he screamed before he lost consciousness was:
"I BET THE JEWS DID THIS!!!"
 
>Anonymous slowly opens his eyes
>He notices grass beneath him
>But it is brighter, much brighter than any grass then he remembers
>He looks around and sees a glorious view, full of trees and grass and plants
>He shields his eyes from the sun, burning away the sensitive retinas of his beautiful Aryan eyes.
>Suddenly, he heard a loud voice from somewhere
"...Look! What's that?"
>Oh shit
 
>Anonymous quickly stumbles to his feet
"No! No officer I was not-"
>He looks and sees two bright, colorful ponies
>Oh god, it's much worse then Obama's gestapo police
>It's ponies
>please god no
>The pink one opens her mouth
"Hi! My name is Pinkie Pie and I know everyp0ny, and I mean everyp0ny! You don't look like a p0ny, but I still want to get to know you! So, what's your na-"
"...Fucking consumerist feminist brainwashing our kids into being gay and liking colors that aren't white..."
"What was that?" The purple one said
"N-Nothing. My name is Anonymous." Anonymous said, extending his hand
"I come from Earth. That means I'm sorta like a diplomat, so I have diplomatic immunity. So you guys can't, like, rape and murder me and stuff."
>The purple one seems a bit confused but just shakes it off
"...Ok. Well come with us Mr.Anonymous. This is Pinkie Pie and I am Twilight Sparkle. I'm sure you can meet lots of friends in P0nyville."
"...Christ that fucking name."
"What?"
"Nothing Twilight! Coming!" Anonymous said hastily as he chased after them, making sure to watch the woods for any signs of Vietcong.
 
>As Anonymous walks into the colorful town, he thinks about the meager amount of knowledge he knows from the brony welfare queens on /pol/
>He suddenly remembers something about a monarchy, and that didn't suit well with him.
>The only good government is a fascist, mono-cultural, Free-Market society
>With him as the almighty dictator, of course
>But he is distracted as he looks around the town
"...It's so nice here! So clean and... pretty! I can't believe it!"
>Twilight smiles and speaks again
"Yeah, it is nice here. Everyp0ny pitches in to keep everything orderly."
>Anonymous stops dead in his tracks.
"Wait, did you just say everybody... helps each other?"
>Twilight stops and nods, her smile fading, wondering what she did to offend Anonymous
>Anonymous growled, bunching up his fist
"That's communism!" He screamed at the top of his lungs, causing several p0nies to stop and watch
>Twilight looked embarrassed
"Uhmm... Anon can you please not shout? It's upsetting the foals."
"HA! YOU WOULD LIKE THAT WOULDN'T YOU! TO SILENCE MY FREEDOM OF SPEECH! "LOSING THE DEBATE? SHOUT BIGOT AND SILENCE THE OPPOSITION, CLAIMING VICTORY!"" He quoted
>Twilight backed away
"I'll just let you cool off for a minute..."
>She trotted off with Pinkie, them talking in hushed tones
"...Fucking Hipsters and their communist propaganda."
 
>Anonymous sits down on a park bench, no doubt paid for by his tax dollars, and looks at the carefully cultivated landscape
"Pfff, yeah. Spend MY tax money on making the bushes and trees look nice. Then where will the money be when you need it to beat China in a space race? Nowhere, that's where..."
>Anonymous kicks a pebble in his anger, but notices a blue blur at the corner of his eye
>He jumps off the bench, expecting an assassin to kill him, but it was just another p0ny.
>This one was flying with wings and was rainbow colored.
>Anonymous rubs his sore arm and looks up at her
>She seemed to be smiling
"Didn't, uh, hurt yourself there did you? What about the bench?"
>Anonymous looks over at the bench and sees a huge crack in it from where he slumped off
"Oh wow! You cracked it! ahaha! You're a bench cracker!"
>Anonymous grits his teeth
"What did you just call me?" He said, glaring icy daggers at Rainbow
>She stops laughing and looks confused
"A... Bench Cracker?"
"A Cracker? You called me a fucking cracker?!"
"Uhh..."
"YOU ARE PERPETUATING A RACIST SLUR. I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU ARE ALLOWED TO CALL ME A CRACKER BUT I CAN'T SAY KIKE, SPIC, GOOK, FAGGOT, OR NIGGER WITHOUT GETTING LYNCHED IN PUBLIC!"
"uhh, I think you need to calm down."
>Anonymous clenchs his teeth and fists in rage, and suddenly remembers a bunch of stuff about the p0ny before him
>Likes Sports: Check
>Fast: Check
>Lazy: Check
>Insulting: Check
>Uneducated: Check
>That settles it
"Rainbow Dash, you are A FUCKING NIGGER!"
 
>Rainbow Dash looked upset, her face seeming sad for a second and then angry
"You can't say things like that! I don't know what that means, but it still hurts my feelings!"
>Anonymous got even more angry
"OH POOR BABY, DID I HURT YOUR FEELINGS? My rights don't end where your feelings begin! Freedom of speech!"
>Rainbow Dash looked pissed off and flew away
"Yeah, serves her right."
>Anonymous placed his hands on his hips and looked over this socialist utopia, making a vow to make sure and change that when he got a chance.
>He saw Twilight again
"Anonymous, you really hurt Rainbow Dashes feelings! I saw the whole thing, you aren't very sensitive you know!"
>Anonymous chortled
"Yeah, well sensitivity is for women and gays. And I ain't a women and I ain't gay."
>Twilight just stood there
"...You know Anonymous, you really shouldn't talk about political stuff in public, it offends people."
>Anonymous rolled his eyes
"Yeah, whatever."
>Twilight sighed but led him to the library, where a new p0ny was waiting for him
>It was a white p0ny with purple hair, and blue eyes
>Anonymous perked up, finally another Aryan to talk to! He was a bit upset she changed her hair from the glorious blond to some ugly purple, but hey, feminism and all.
>They approached and Rarity spoke
"Oh! You must be Mr.Anonymous! Pleased to meet you! I am Rarity, owner of Carousel Boutique!"
 
>Anonymous smiled and nodded, he had to show some respect towards a fellow perfect Aryan, even if that Aryan was just a horse
>Rarity was wearing a backpack, and she reached inside it
>She pulled out a small white cloth and gave it to Anon
"Sorry I don't have anything else, it was all I could find with such short notice."
>Anonymous thanked her and took it, glad to have such great, non-imported goods in his possession.
>Suddenly, Rarity seemed to trip and her backpack spilled out on the ground
>She made a little yelp as tons of small pieces of gold and gems of different colors spilled everywhere
>Anonymous reached to help, but she swatted his hand away
"No! No need! I've got it!"
>She quickly put it all back in the bag, then acted like nothing happened
>Anonymous narrowed his eyes
>That was a bit... strange
>Anonymous looked over and saw a couple across the street, a unicorn and a Earth Pony
"...Hey Rarity."
"Yes Anon?"
"What do you think about that couple over there?" He asked, trying to seem as nonchalant as possible
>She looked over and turned back to him
"Them? They are just a cute couple."
>Anonymous narrowed his eyes
>Something wasn't right here
>He looked at that cloth she gave him
>He turned it over
>On the other side was a six pointed star in light blue
>He clutched his heart
>Oh god, how did he not see
>He stared right at Rarity
>Rarity stared back, and was put off after a second
"Uhhh... is there something wrong Anonymous?"
"Your nose is growing, Rarity."
"What?"
"I SAID YOUR NOSE IS GROWING YOU FILTHY JUDEN!"
>Anonymous pointed a greesy finger right at her and dropped the hankerchief, before stomping it into the mud
>Rarity gasped, Twilight gasped too
>Anonymous quickly turned and ran, no longer want anything to do with this liberal feminist Jew-ified society.
>He sped off into the woods, hoping to find something better there
 
>As he ran, he soon came to a cottage in the woods
>He approached towards it, hoping to find someone who wasn't corrupted by Rarity's filthy jew powers
>Anonymous knocked on the door
>It opened by itself, it wasn't locked
>He smiled, could this place be free of niggers and other various criminal minorities?
>He entered the cottage
>He saw a yellow pegasus working
>He smiled, since she was yellow, she must have been asian! Could he have his Korean waifu at last?
>She bent down and dropped some food to some rats
>Rats
>He looked around and realized there were rats everywhere
"AHHH! RATS!" Anonymous screamed, raising a foot to stomp
>Fluttershy turned around, gasping and flying at lightening speed
>She collided with Anon, knocking him to the ground
"Don't you dare crush these poor, innocent rats!"
>Anonymous stood up, brushing himself off
>He looked her dead in the eye
"You... you let animals and vermin live in your house?"
"Yeah, I live with them."
"Are they... pets?"
"Oh no, I view them as house mates."
>Anonymous grit his teeth in pure rage
"YOU FUCKING HIPPY SCUM!" he screamed, flipping the bird to Flutters before running out the back door
>Fluttershy gasped in surprise and sobbed at the insult, even if she didn't understand it
>Anonymous ran once again
 
>Anonymous ran until he came across a farm
>A farm? There might actually be some decent people here!
>He walked along the fence until he found the gate, and entered along the path
>Anonymous saw a group of similar looking p0nies around a farmhouse
>He shouted hello at them
>They looked surprised but waved back
>As he jogged closer, he smelt something great
"Ap-Apple Pie?!"
>These people made Apple Pie
>They had to be good
>Anonymous's eyes bulged out as he saw one of the p0nies there
>She was strong and healthy
>She was tan, but probably white underneath that orangish color
>She had glorious blond hair
>Anonymous felt his heart flutter
"How are you?"
"We're doing purdy good partner! How are you?"
>That accent
>HNNNGGG
"Great." He replied wistfully, looking over the family
>He could tell they were a moral, upright family because they had a whole range of ages here
>The old one got up and walked towards the kitchen
"I better go check on that pie! Applejack you keep your friend entertained!"
>Oh wow, the women here even knew their place; the kitchen!
 
>Anonymous nodded in approval
>Suddenly, the young one spoke up
"Hey! Who are you? Can you help me get my cutie mark?"
>Anonymous looked down at the annoying child, didn't she knew she should be seen and not heard
>The red male p0ny sensed Anon's annoyance and got up
"...Applebloom, go to your room."
"But!"
"Go! Go before I get ma' switch..."
>Applebloom stopped arguing instantly and ran to the house
>They even knew how to treat children here!
>Applejack cleared her throat and spoke
"Well stranger, it was great meeting ya' but I need to load up the wagons for the long haul into town."
>Anonymous perked up
>Wait, did she just say "Ron Paul?"
>He could have sworn she did
>His heart soared in jubilation
>He ran to her and tackled the pony, hugging her on the ground
"Ohh Applejack! I'm going to make you my perfect blond haired blue eyed Aryan wife!"
>Applejack seemed confused at what he said, and completely forgot about her being all tackled to the ground and such
"But I have green eyes!"
"Close enough."
----------------------------
End of /pol/ Anon in Equestria
