Title: Pseudoporn one shots Author: Navarone Pastebin link: http://pastebin.com/m2A5wePx First Edit: Friday 8th of November 2013 06:41:42 PM CDT Last Edit: Friday 8th of November 2013 06:41:42 PM CDT http://i.imgur.com/afM1L3t.png >Day oh god why in Equestria >You just got back to your house after a day of professional partying with Pinkie. >It's hard work, but it pays well and someone has to do it. >You just wish she wasn't so consistent. >Anyway, as soon as you step through your front door, you freeze. >A certain princess is at your computer desk for some ungodly reason. >Your computer is on. >And she's looking at pony porn. >Of herself. >Before you can sprint away and skip country, the door slams shut behind you, coated in a blue aura. >"ANONYMOUS, WHAT DOTH THOU HAVE TO SAY FOR THYSELF?" "I WAS FRAMED, I SWEAR!" >You are not a clever man. >But she blinks in confusion. >"WE DO NOT GET THY MEANING. GAZE UPON THIS PICTURE OF OUR POSTERIOR." >Since it's not like she can give you two death penalties, you slowly edge forward, looking at what she has open. "W-what about it, your most gracious and forgiving majesty?" >"WELL, WHAT IS THY ANSWER? DOST THOU WORSHIP THE MOON?" >As she asks this, she stands from the chair and throws her ass in your face. >Today, you learned where the full moon of Luna's moon-chart cutie mark is.   http://i.imgur.com/zJY9oA5.png >Day scary implications in Equestria >After getting back home from your job as Luna's new stocking stuffer, you immediately consider installing a lock on your door. >Not that it would matter for your current guest. >Princess Cadance sits at your computer desk. >And like the princess that came before her, she is looking at porn. >Unlike the previous princess, this is porn of her husband. >"...Where did you get this, Anon?" she quietly asks, turning to face you. "The internet." >She's nice, right? Surely she won't murder you. >Right? >"...I see. And tell me, why do you have this?" >Don't say for fapping, don't say for fapping... "For... research?" >"Oh. Well, that's my reason, too. Do you think Rarity can make this outfit for Shiny?" "Wut"   http://i.imgur.com/rdhDj1N.png >Day considering assassination in Equestria >When you step inside your door after your job as Cadance's fetish adviser, you find that you have yet another guest. >Once again, a princess, her giant white wings extended to full mast. "Why do I even have a door?" >Celestia flinches when you speak, spinning around and trying to cover the screen. >"I wasn't doing anything!" "...Sure you weren't." >"...Right. So Anon. Where did you get these pictures?" >Oh boy. Celestia's a little less understanding than Cadance, you think. Better lie. "I uh... I took them all myself. I had permission for all of them!" >For some reason, an uneasy grin comes to her face. >Oh shit, you forgot that you had some pictures of her. Hope she wasn't looking at those. >"Anon, do you happen to know of my... students? Such as how I adopted Twilight at such a young... tender age?" "Uh... Yes?" >Did she have to be so creepy about it? >"Well, I happen to be in need of a new royal... photographer. Somepony who can find difficult shots of certain things. Would you be intere—" "YES!" >Anything to stop you from hearing Shiny's whimpy grunts. Dear God, how horrifying. >"Excellent! Your first task shall be obtaining more pictures like this," she said, stepping aside and revealing the screen. >"I expect to hear from you soon," she said, her horn lighting up. "Use Spike to send the pictures." >With that, she teleported out. >Today was an enlightening day.   http://i.imgur.com/9ZpzzLD.jpg >Day Twilight motherfucking Sparkle in Equestria >You step inside your door and heavily consider suicide, your camera full of pictures that will forever haunt you. >Since your mind is full of fuck and fillies right now, you barely notice that you have a new uninvited guest. >After resolving to destroy that computer, you sigh. "Can I help you, Twilight?" >She turns back to you, anger in her eyes. When you get close enough, you can see why. "I can explain!" >"There are no excuses! Just look at this!" "I didn't take it, I swear!" >"Well, I certainly hope not! Look how inaccurate it is!" >Wait, what? >"My ears are nothing like that! And the horn is too low, not even close to mine. It's also a lot pointier. And Celestia, the hair! Ooh, this has to be drawn! "Well, yeah." >"How could you have ever drawn something this horribly?" she demanded, glaring. "What? No, it wasn't me!" >"Don't deny it! I've seen you looking at all those mares so knowingly! I bet this computer is full of awful drawings of all of them!" "...Well, you have me there. But I didn't draw them!" >"Who else would spend all this time drawing terrible pony porn?" "...Fuck." >"You're taking drawing lessons, mister! Now put that camera down and come with me!" >God dammit.