Title:           short stories
Author:          LoveandPowerlifting
Pastebin link:   http://pastebin.com/R6ZJ94N1
First Edit:      Tuesday 9th of June 2015 05:01:18 PM CDT
Last Edit:       Last edit on: Saturday 8th of August 2015 02:36:51 PM CDT

BE TWILIGHT SPARKLE
>At the moment you are about fifteen years years old
>You are also at Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns
>Because you are the smartest little smart ass and do can do magic betterer than anypony else!
>Like most days you are in class with your notebook open and your books at the ready as your fellow classmates are shouting and carrying on while you all waited on Headmistress Celestia to start the days lesson
>The bucking savages
>Doing your best to ignore all of the rolled up paper being tossed your way you make sure to read up on what you assume is today's lesson
>Being a teacher's pet is hard work yo!
>Bitches might be givin' you swirlies right now but in a couple years you'd be able to blow them up
>With your motherbuckin MIND!
>Yeah, you were going to be a dark lord when you grew up, what about it?!
>You are brought out of your sudden plans for world domination by the door flying open, revealing Headmistress Celestia, all decked out in her teaching glasses and her teaching robes, with a pile of books under a wing
>"Alright, settle down, settle down now," she said, slamming the door behind her
>Quickly, the class scurried to their seats and open their books and notebooks
>Not you tho, since you had been ready for the last ten minutes for the Headmistress to arrive
>Teacher'spet4life!
>Holdin'thefrontseatdownFILLY!
>Headmistress Celestia put her books and notes down onto her desk before looking up at all of you
>Thelearningbegins.pgn
>"Alright, before I begin the lesson will those of you who are playing in the hoofball match this afternoon move your robes down onto the lower peg immediately after lunch before you write your letter home if you're not getting your mane cut unless you have a younger sister who's going out this weekend as the guest of another filly, in which case collect her note before lunch, put it into your letter after you've had your mane cut and make sure she moves your robes down onto the lower peg for you. Now--"
>"Ma'am?" Minuette says, raising her hoof
>The Headmistress looks over at her, her nose scrunching up in irritation at being interrupted
>"Yes, Minuette?"
>"My sister is going out with Candy Floss this weekend, Ma'am, but I'm not having my mane cut today, Ma'am, so--"
>Minuette stops when the entire class snorts and giggles at her
>Heh, is this filly slow or is she slow?
>Didn't she just hear what the Headmistress said?
>Mrs. Celestia, for her part, only looks mildly annoyed
>"Minuette, will you listen?" The Headmistress said with a roll of her eyes. "It's perfectly simple! If you're not getting you mane cut then you DON'T have to move your sister's robes to the lower peg. You simply collect her notes before lunch after you've done your magic studies prep when you've written your letter home before rest move your OWN robes down to the lower peg, greet the visitors, and report to Mrs. Bindy that you've had your horn sharpened."
>Nodding, Minuette, looked back down at her notes while the Headmistress took a deep breath and looked up over you all to collect her thoughts
>"Now... SEX."
>She looked thoughtfully down at her notes before looking back up at all of you
>"Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex..."
>You're eyes widened
>Holy shit!
>You had been studying the wrong lesson!
>And you hadn't been in class the other day before you had bee sick so you didn't have any notes from the day before!
>And you haven't read everything on sex yet!
>So you weren't BUCKING ready for this!
>YOUWEREN'TREADY!!!
>You had no idea what the hay was going to happen in class!
>wakemeup.png
>CAN'TWAKEUP.pgn
>Not paying any attention to your nervous breakdown, Mrs. Celestia left her desk and started to pace the room
>"Now... where were we?"
>All around you you see you classmates looking around, their faces scrunched up in thought
>It looked like they knew just as much as you what the buck was going on
>...Idiots
>The second that you became a Dark Lord you'd make sure to blow them up first...
>Or turn them all into candy
>Yeah... that'd be neat...
>After a minute of nopony giving her an answer, Mrs. Celestia looked back at the class
>"Well, have I gone as far as the stallionhood entering the marehood?"
>The class hummed and hawed a bit before a few of them shook their heads
>"I don't think so, Ma'am."
>"Definitely not, Mrs, Definitely not."
>Nodding, your teacher walked over to the big window in the classroom and looked out of it
>"Well, have I done foreplay?"
>This time a few of the mares nod their heads
>"Yep."
>"I think you did, Ma'am."
>"I do believe that I remember that, Mrs.!"
>Nodding, the Headmistress started pacing the room again
>"Aw, as well all well know about foreplay no doubt you can tell me the purpose of a foreplay is.... Trixie."
>Trixie looked up from her book, her eyes wide
>Oh... dis filly right here wasn't even listening
>Youhaveshamedyouancestors.jag
>Trixie looked around the room, and, after getting no help from her classmates, said,"I, um... Don't know Ma'am... Sorry Ma'am..."
>Not to be deterred, the Headmistress looked around the class
>"Moon Dancer?"
>Moon Dancer, a little more prepared than Trixie had been, said,"Eh... was it takin' your robes off, ma'am?"
>Mrs. Celestia looked at her expectantly
>"And after that?"
>Moon Dancer looked down thoughtfully
>Surprisingly, Sugar Belle raised a hoof
>"Oh! Oh! You put it on a lower peg, Ma'am?"
>With a growl your teacher magicked up a board eraser and tossed it at the mare, who bucked with a yelp
>...What a bucking moron...
>Glaring at the mare for a moment, Mrs. Celestia continued to pace the room
>"The purpose of foreplay is to get the stallion's cock hard and lubricated so that it can penetrate the marehood more easily!" she said slowly, as if you were a bunch of morons
>You made sure to write down whatever the Headmistress said as quickly as you could
>This might be on the test after all!
>Upper Crust raised her hoof
>"Could we have a window open please, Ma'am?"
>Mrs. Celestia nodded
>"Yes, yes, of course. Jet Set will you?"
>Clearing her throat, your teacher continued on with her lesson
>"And of course to cause the mares marehood to lubricate and being wink-ing!"
>She once again looked out through the window, taking a moment to collect her thoughts
>"Now! Did I do stallionhood juices last week--oh do pay attention Apple Stars! I know that it's Friday afternoon, oh, are you watching the hoofball game are you now?"
>She pointed at the offending mare
>"Move over to the desk here! I'm warning you! I may set aside a certain exam during this term..."
>Eying the whole class now to see if she had your undivided attention, your teacher angrily stomped back and forth around the front of the classroom while everypony groan and complained
>"Aw, come on, Ma'am--"
>"So just listen," Mrs. Celestia interrupted, standing in the middle of class and looking all over you
>That shut you all up, all of you looking down at her notes
>"...Now did I or did I DO stallionhood juices?"
>The classroom, as a whole, nodded
>"Yes, yes, Ma'am."
>"Good! Name two ways of getting them flowing. Trixie."
>Trixie looked back up from her notes
>"Deep throating the cock, Ma'am?" she offered
>Mrs. Celestia looked at her incredulously
>"What's wrong with a kiss, girl," she asked, bemused. "Hmm? Why not start him off with a nice KISS? You don't have to go shoving his cock down your throat like a bull out of the gate! Give him a KISS girl!"
>"Kiss the cheek, Ma'am?" somepony in class said with a raised hoof
>Mrs. Celestia nodded. "Good, good, well done Fleur."
>"Pulling the mane, Ma'am?" another student called
>Once again your teacher nodded
>"Yes, yes, I suppose so!"
>"Playing with the ballsack?" a student from the back called
>"Yes, yes, good! Pulling the mane, kissing the cheek, teasing the balls, sticking your horn up his butt, and so on and so forth! So! We have all of these possibilities before diving into the deep-throating, Trixie"
>Trixie looked down, her cheeks burning slightly from your teacher's jab
>"...Yes, Ma'am... Sorry, Ma'am..."
>Nodding her head, Mrs. Celestia started walking to the certain part of the front of the classroom
>"Now! All of these forms of stimulation can now take place!"
>Kicking a part of the wall, Mrs. Celestia took a step away as that part of the wall fell and a bed slammed into the floor
>"And of course licking will give you the best idea of how the juices are coming along!"
>Mrs. Celestia looked at the other door that lead out of the class while she started pawing at her robes
>"Anon!"
>Looking away from the door, Mrs. Celestia walked in front of the bed and started unrobing, first taking off her glasses and tossing them onto the desk before untying her mane and letting it flow freely
>"Now, penetration, that is to say intercourse adding up to the whole exper--"
>The door that you teacher had been looking at was thrown open, revealing Mrs. Celestia's husband, Mr. Anonymous, who walked over to his wife
>Respectfully, you all stand up for the married man
>"Aw, hello dear," Mrs. Celestia said, giving Mr. Anon a peck on the cheek
>Mr. Anon smiled, also pawing at his clothes like his wife
>"Lovely to see you Hon."
>With a frown, Mrs. Celestia looked toward the back of the class
>"Do stand up when my husband enters the room, Lemon Hearts!"
>Looking up from her notes in panic, Lemon Hearts quickly stood up
>"Oh! Sorry, Ma'am! Sorry!"
>"Hon, I hope you don't mind but we're going to go to the Saddle Arabian king and queen castle for dinner tonight," Mr. Anon said, pulling off his shirt
>Pulling her her robes, Mrs. Celestia rolled her eyes and huffed in irritation
>"Yes, yes... I suppose we must..."
>"They said to be there by eight."
>"Well at least that gives me a reason to end the staff letting this afternoon. I'll teleport us there by Seven thirty so we can get the niceties out of the way and all of that nonsense..."
>Mr. Anon rolled his eyes as he pulled off his pants
>"Well I know that you don't like them but they keep insisting on having dinner with us and I couldn't make ANOTHER excuse!"
>"Well, it's just--"
>As naked as the day as she was born, Mrs. Celestia suddenly looked up
>"Charm!This is for your benefit, will you kindly wake up? I have no intention of going through this all with you again thank you very much!"
>Sitting down on the bed, Anon pulled off his underwear, revealing his slowly stiffening stallionhood as he laid down on the bed
>Licking her lips, your teacher hopped up on the bed with him, and, licking her lips, leaned down and popped Mr. Anon's member into her mouth
>You all scribbled away as your teacher bopped her head up and down her stallion's cock, her tongue swirling around his head
>Mr. Anon groaned, his hips bucking into your teacher's mouth as she let out her own hungry growl, his hand going to the back of her head to help her along
>With a few more bops and a bit more suckling, Mrs. Celestia let go of Mr. Anon's cock with a pop and climbed on top of him
>"We'll take the proper amount of foreplay as read," your teacher said, grinding her winking marehood against her husband's throbbing cock. "I-If you don't mind d-dear?"
>Grabbing her hips to steady her, Mr. Anon shook his head
>"No, of course, no dear, it's fine. Continue."
>Nodding, Head Mistress Celestia looked up at all of you
>"So! The mare starts b-by sitting down on the stallionhood--"
>Lifting her hips, Mrs. Celestia slowly sank down on the human's cock, biting her lip hard
>Her wings unfurled as she slowly took inch after inch of her, the sounds of her winking getting louder and louder until she bottomed out
>Both your teacher and Mr. Anon groaned, Mr.s Anon's grip tightening on Headmistress Celestia as she started to grind her hips
>--L-Like this! The m-marehood, as you can o-observe, is now winking and l-lubricating... Hmmm~"
>Mr. Anon grinned, giving his wife's ass a hard squeeze
>"Is someone excited, Hon?"
>Your teacher giggled, leaning down and kissing her husband
>"Will you be quiet and let me teach--"
>Mrs. Celestia trailed off as a moan escaped her as Mr. Anon lifted her up off of him and slammed her right down
>"A-Ah~! M-My BIG, BIG stallion..."
>A meaty, wet smack filled the air, followed by another, Mrs. Celestia leaning down and giving Mr. Anon a kiss as she quickly raised herself up before slamming herself back down
>"O-oh yes! Oh you dirty little c-colt you!" AH~!"
>tfw today was an "we all need to take notes because this is probably going to be on the test" day
 
 
************************************************************************************
 
>'Tis another day in Canterlot
"Urgh!"
>The nobles were strutting to and fro like so many peacocks doing nothing for nopony
>The peasantry were meandering through their daily activities as one of lower class does
"H....H-Hah!"
>Everypony is happy and safe and going about their lives under illumareti control
>TheGreatEyeiseverwatchful.jpg
>Though the affairs of mortals do not concern you at this moment
>Nor do the illumareti
"Hooooooasdaaaaa!"
>Thou art Princess Luna
>Ruler of Equestria, Goddess of the Moon, and Lady of the Night
"Arise, thou treacherous... heap of... stone!"
>And it appears that you may have bitten a little more than you could chew
>Before you was a stone
>It was round, was of greyish coloration, and weighed somewhere close to three hundred pounds
>The stone was made from liquid stone or "concrete" as you sister had called it
>But be it hewn from the ground or made by modern day sorcery this hunk of rock brought back old memories
>You remember from your younger years how mare's would lift stones such as these as a form of training
>Lifting stones like these, along with weapons training and wrestling, was how warriors toughened themselves up for battle and sculpted their bodies into things of beauty
>But there was also another purpose for these giant rocks
>They were a test of strength, character, and a perfect way that one could attract a stallion
>Which was why you were trying to lift the blasted thing over your head
>Trying and failing
>No matter how hard you strained and grunted and pulled the blasted thing would not move
>You could not use magic on it (as doing so would shame you)
>You had to overcome this trail with pure marely muscle alone
>Muscle it you didn't have by the looks of it
>You might have been a goddess that moved a giant rock in the sky with but a simple spell but apparently your physical body was as weak as a newborn babe
>But that was why you were out in the gardens training!
>In front of the massive stone you were trying to lift was a bar that was just above eye level
>If you could pick up this stone and place it over the bar (letting it drop safely on the other side) you could show off to all of the stallions that you were the strongest mare and therefore the most ideal mate
>Ideally you wanted to show off to ONE stallion
>An odd stallion that you so desperately wanted to woo
>To make your's and--
>"Whooo! Come on, Luna, you can do it!"
>...And your bucking sister was not helping ONE BIT
>Sure, you appreciate the support but the cheering and hoof waving was throwing you off
>"Come on Luna rarara! Come on Luna disboomba!"
>...You swear that she's making fun of you now...
>But no matter!
>You were going to pick this bucking stone up!
>You were going to lift it over your head!
>And you were GOING to get it over that bar!
>Because you were Luna
>You were a goddess of the highest order!
>Your power was unfathomable and your knowledge was vast!
>And, most, importantly
>You
>Were
>The
>NIGHT!
 
BE ANON
>It's another swell little day in horseland
>You had just gotten off work at your local candy store working as a taffy maker (the manlest of professions) and were now taking a stroll through Canterlot castle's gardens
>Why would you go through all of the trouble to walk all the way to the castle from your shitty little apartment on the east side of Canterlot?
>Well why the fuck-figgey-nigglet not?
>None of the little guard horses were going to stop you
>The gardens here were a hell of a lot nicer to walk through than anywhere else in the city
>And you might happen upon one of the little princess pone's, therein which you would shoot the shit with them and maybe bother them until they did something with you
>Basically another Tuesday for you
>"ARRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!"
>Your head perks up as what only could be described as a growl, a grunt, and a whimper cuts through the garden's silence
>What was that then?
>Did one of the garden's bigger critters have a case of the shitalldays?
>Was a little horse losing his mind?
>Was someone getting robbed?
>Why don't we find out?
>Whistling a merry little tune to yourself you stride down the path until you come upon a cheering Sun hoers and...
>...What the hell was Luna doing?
>Cocking your head to the side you quickly make your way over to Sunny buns
"Hey Princess."
>Celestia stops her silly hoof waving and cheering for a second to look over at you
>"Oh, hello Anon," she says with a smile. "Taking a walk through the gardens I take it?"
>"EEEEUUUUUUUMMMMMMPPPPPP!"
"Yep, I heard that your gardener put in some white roses and I wanted to have a looksie."
>"Oh, you must be talking about the winter frost buds! Yes, from what Green Horn tells me there's a few bushes near the lime trees! I haven't gone to see them myself but I heard that they look absolutely lovely."
"Good... good..."
>Both you and Celestia watch in silence as Luna struggles with what looked like a big ol' Atlas ball, red-faced and panting and sweaty as all hell
>...Alright
>You got the casual greeting out of the way
>Now you could get down to business
"... So... you mind telling me what your lil' sis is doing over there?"
>The Princess of the Sun shrugs
>"Luna really wouldn't say. All she muttered was something about training and had me acquire that big rock and that bar thingy over there."
>"Thou will submit to my might, bastard kin of Giga!"
>"I don't have the faintest idea what she'd be training for but I decided to give my support and cheer her on as any good sister would!"
>She does a happy little wiggle that makes you reach down and give her ear a scratch
>Aw
>What a sweetheart
>Cutelestia is for huggles
"Maybe you should get a flag or something," you advise. "Flag waving always pumps people up for shit."
>Humming you once again look at the struggling Woona
>What the hell could she be training for with Atlas stones?
>You were a pretty /fit/ gentlemen
>You'd been around the block once or twice when it came to picking things up and putting them down
>And in your semi-professional experience there was really only one place that these stones were really used and that was in a strongman competition...
>...
>...
>...
>Was that what Moona was training for?
>'Cause if she was THAT wasn't the way to pick up the stone
>Silly pone was gonna hurt herself!
"Oi, Luna!"
>Moon hoers freezes as you walk over to her
>"A-Anon?" she stutters, looking up at you with those pretty blue eyes of hers
"You're going to snap your shit trying to lift it up like that you silly potato!"
>Untangling her from the stone ball you squat down and wrap your arms around it
"You gotta get real low like this first."
>With a grunt you lift the ball up and put it in your lap
>The shit was pretty heavy but it's nothing to someone who's lifted these things before
>"Then you put it in your lap like this."
>Taking a few short, quick breaths you explode upwards with a shout, lifting the ball up to your chest and holding onto the sucker for dear life
>"Whoo! Go Anon!" You hear Celestia yell as you waddle toward the metal "bar thingy" as she called it
"Make sure your feet are close together and your arms are under this sucker," you grunt.
>With another yell you lift the stone to your chin as you lurch forward
>The bottom of the stone ball clips the the top of the bar but you manage to get it over, sending the Atlas ball to the soft dirt with a solid thud'
>You can't help but smile, lightly panting
>It'd been awhile since you've done something like that
>Shit was as fun as you remembered!
"And that's how you do it!"
>Turning around you look down at a wide-eyed Luna
>The little horse looks awestruck
>Kek
>She be mirin'
"Doing shit like this is fun but make sure to keep everything tight when you lift shit like this since it's kinda awkward," you say, ruffling her mane. "I don't want you accidently hurting yourself!"
>Luna takes a few nervous steps away from you and does her best to hide behind her mane
>"T-Thou also..." you hear her murmur... for some reason
>Silly horselet was being silly
>You look around and take a deep breath
>You know what?
>You should go down to that little pub that your boss recommended to you the other day
>It's been too long since you went out someplace nice
>You could play with these two later another day
"Hey, it was great talking to the two of you but I think I'm gonna go hit the town for a bit."
>Still smiling, you wave at Celestia before making your way back onto the path
"I'll make sure to see those roses tomorrow or something. And hey Luna, just remember to keep training and I'm sure you'll be great at whatever you're training for! I'll catch you two later!"
 
Be The Almighty Princess of the Night
>"I'll see you two later!"
>You and your sister watch as Anon makes his way down the path, whistling a happy tune
>....
>....
>....
>what the buck was that?
>How the hay did he lift that?!
>YOU couldn't lift that bucking thing!
>And you were a mare!
>A BIG mare!
>...
>...
>...
>A stallion was STRONGER than you!
>Now such a thought would have horrified you >Normally
>But all you can think about are those muscles of his tensing and bulging as he picked that ridiculous weight up
>The look of concentration as he lifted it up with ease and carried it over the bar like it was nothing...
>"Well that was something wasn't it, sister?" your sister asked, walking over and sitting beside you
>The two of you just watch as Anon struts away like the dirty little colt he is
>That flank of his waving to and fro
>...You bet BIG money you could balance a cup on dat flank...
>...
>...
>...
>Oh sweet gods
>You think you came...
"...Yes ... that was something," you mutter, biting your lip and rubbing your thigh together
>Oh sweet gods above you hoped your sister wouldn't smell your... excitement
>A colt had just shown you up
>But this here princess had more tricks up her sleeve than a zigga trying to get away from the poince
>It was only a matter of time until Anon was lying butt naked in your bed doing... stuff
>Sex stuff
>With you
>And you'd be really great at it and you'd make him cum nine time and... stuff
>Which you knew how to do because you've had sex before and noIdon'twanttotalkaboutitsowhydon'twejustdropitalright?!!?!?!?!?!?
 
*********************************************************************
 
 
BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!
"Urgh... fucking alarm..."
>BE ANON
>Welp
>It looked like it was that time again
>Time to get up, go to work, and be a productive member of society
>Grumble grumble fuck work grumble
>Though you REALLY don't want to get out of the comfort of your nice warm bed the Quill and Sopa's store was acallin'
>Unfortunately
>Fucking book horse taking away your government checks because you called her a tubby tuba tummy tum tums...
>Yawning hugely you sit up in your bed and open your eyes
>Your bedroom was just as you left it
>Not too neat, not too dirty
>Every place had a thing and everything had it's place
>But it looked like all was not well in Candyland folks
>There, sitting on your nightstand, was a single apple
>A Red Gaia you think
"Fifth time this week... goddamn apple fairy..."
>Rubbing an eye you reach over and pick the apple up, running your fingers over the perfect apple-y skin
>Yep
>It's an apple
>A plain, ordinary apple
>Just like all of the other apples that had been appearing in your house for no fucking reason
>With your apple in hand you get up and start your day
>You're greeted with another apple-- a granny smith-- in your bathroom
>After your shower you find two more in your underwear drawer
>And three more in your closet
>When you went downstairs and into your kitchen you saw about a dozen of them stacked up on your counter
>Shaking your head you place all of the apples on your table and grab yourself a glass of OJ
>Last week seeing all of these apples around your house would have freaked you the fuck out
>In fact it HAD had freaked you the fuck out
>Pretty badly in fact
>You had rushed to the locksmith and got brand new locks for everything and locked your doors and slept with a baseball bat all of that shit
>You weren't going to be murdered by some weird apple fetishist!
>But then it just kept happening
>You'd wake up and find an apple by your head or by the counter or some shit like that
>THAT had scared the shit out of you
>You were expecting to wake up in some rape dungeon or murdered or something
>But then... nothing really happened
>Whoever was going through the trouble to break into your house wasn't doing anything other than leaving you a whole bunch of apples to find
>They weren't stealing anything
>They weren't breaking anything
>To the best of your knowledge they weren't doing anything to you
>They were just leaving apples everywhere
>So you had eventually calmed down and rolled with it
>It wasn't like finding a bunch of apples every morning was a BAD thing
>More weird than bad if you thought about it
>And at worst there was just some apple fairy running around leaving apples in peoples houses... or something like that...
>Sure, it was weird, but just another day in horse land right?
>And for all you knew there actually WAS a fucking apple fairy running around
>'Tis a silly place horseland is
"At least I don't have to go and buy apples anymore," you mused, grabbing one of the apples and rubbing it against your shirt before taking a bite out of it
>Hmm
>Apple-y
 
BE APPLEJACK
>It's lovely ah day out
>Celestia's sun was a'shinin'
>The apple trees were ready for buckin'
>An' there you were outside Anon's window watching as he took ah bite out of one of the apples you left him
>An' NO
>You weren't stalkin'!
>You were just... scoutin' out for a potential mate the good ol' Apple way!
>Like your ma and her ma before 'er you left apples all 'round Anon's house while he was sleepin' to see how well he'd take to 'em
>If'n he liked the apples you left him that meant that he'd like you
>'Cause you liked apples and apple accessories
>And were also an Apple
>So it make a whole lick of sense
>You guessed...
>...At least that what Granny told you...
>...
>...
>...
>But why would Granny be wrong?
>In her day she'd have the stallions darn near knocking down the door!
>You were gonna listen to your gut and stick to the Apple way
>An' the Apple way said that you needed to find a stallion that loved apples
>Though it looked like you didn't have to worry none about that with Anon there!
>No ma'am!
>Every morning the big colt would walk all through his house lookin' for your little gifts
>An' most importantly he'd eat one or two before headin' on to his job where he's wear that cute little outfit of his!
>Heh
>You couldn't WAIT to get him in a cute little outfit yourself...
>...Hey!
>HEY
>Now none of that there fantasizin''!
>You needed to stay focused ya hear!
>Giving your head a shake and doing your best to ignore the blush that had somehow made its way to your face you watch as Anon took another bite out of your apple
>You could almost HEAR him hummin' at the taste
>You sure could see that pleased look on his face though!
>You can't help but do a happy little wiggle in your hide-y bush
>Anon liked your apples!
>An' you liked your apples!
>The two of you made for each other
>As sure as sugar!
>He done passed the first test!
>He liked apples! Maybe even loved them!
>An' don't forget him being good lookin' and nice and...
>You try not to yelp as Anon looks through his window in your direction
>OhsweetCelestiayougottahide!
>You duck into the bush that you were hiding him and pray to both Celestia and Luna that he didn't see you
>You didn't want to explain why the hay you were out here like this...
>Granny sure was right!
>It was harder an' hay gettin' yourself a mate
>You had to stake out his house day in and day out
>You needed to pick the most perfect apples to give to 'em
>You needed to break into his house--making sure he didn't wake up-- and leave them apples where he's find'em
>AND you had to keep yourself from pokin' at'em while he was asleep in his bed!
>Shoooot!!!
>None of your friends had to deal with any of that nonsense you bet
>Though, to be fair, your friends usually weren't racking the stallions in
>'Cept Rarity
>But you knew the ones she got weren't the kind that you'd want to bring home to your parents...
>Like Anon was...
>You can't help but smile
>Even though you knew that this all was a bit of a pain you knew it'd be worth it
>Anon would be the mother of all catches
>He was a hard worker
>He never complained
>He was an' honest one
>An' he had the best flank in town
>An' you were gonna reel'em in!
>Just you wait an' see!
>A couple more apples an' he'd be chasing YOUR tail!
 
BE ANON AGAIN
>Humming a little tune to yourself you walk out your door you finish the apple that you'd been munching on and toss it into a nearby bush while hefting the apples that you'd gotten this morning in a paper bag
>You kinda needed to get rid of all of these
>You liked apples and all but you must have had like six dozen in your house right now
>There was no place to put them and he had others to eat so these one's had to go
>...But who you were going to dump them off on?
>THAT was the question of the day...
>A question that you were going to have to answer later
>Right now you had to go to work and earn your pay check!
>You're about to start walking when you hear a little voice squeaking out in the distance
>"Hey Mr. Anon!"
>Looking around you see little Applebloom trotting toward you with a smile and that ADORABLE little bow of her's
>Goddamn is that horse a weapon of HNNNG destruction
>You swear your teeth hurt just by looking at her
"How's it going Applebloom?" you greet as the little filly stops right in front of you
>"I'm just headin' on ta school," she says, eyeing the bag in your hands with a curious expression. "Whatcha got there?"
"Apples from the apple fairy."
>The little filly blinks owlishly
>"Apple fairy? What the hay's that?"
>You shrug
"Someone that breaks into my house everyday and leaves a bunch of apples around my house for some reason."
>You receive another blank look
>"Is that right?"
"Yep, it's been happening for a couple of days now."
>Nodding slowly, the little earth pony follows you as you step off your porch and onto the dirt road that led to town
>"Ain't ya worried 'bout whoever's breakin' into yer house?"
>You shrug again
"Nah, not really."
>Humming thoughtfully you look down at your bag of apples
"Hey, you think Cheerilee would want these for her class? I got so many apples I don't know what to do with all of them."
>It's Applebloom's turn to shrug
>"You can come an' ask 'er if'n you feel like it," she tells you. "I'll take a couple if you're really hankerin' to get rid of 'em."
>You can't help but smile at that
>Those silly little appul horses really do love their apples
>That and their countryisms
"I got a bit before my shift starts so I can go and ask her. At the very least I can just dump them off you kids when teacher pone isn't looking."
>There's a rustle behind you
>"B-But muh a-apples of marely l-love!"
>Both you and Applebloom stop and look around
"...Did you hear that Applebloom?"
>"...I recon I did, Mr. Anon."
>Huh
>There's no one around though...
>Maybe it was just the wind?
>Eh, whatever
>You had to get to work
>You could deal with talking shrubs after your shift was over
"Come on, Applebloom, let's get you to school."
>The tiny little horse smiles up at you and does a happy little hop
>"Alright, Mr. Anon!"
"Hey, whatever happened to that sister of yours? I swear I haven't seen her around in like a MONTH..."
 
**********************************************************
 
BE PRINCESS CELESTIA
>"Are you sure something like this is... necessary, your Highness?"
>You find yourself striding down one of the hallways of your castle with your assistant Raven
>While you would have liked to say that it was a normal day for you that'd be a lie
>Your usual motherly smile was gone
>You had forgone your royal garb
>The usual calm and thoughtfulness that was usually associated with your person was nonexistent
>Because today was an important day
>One of the most important days that you've had in a long time
>And, for a mare that's fought everything from eldritch horrors to the mightiest of dragons, you were a little bit... nervous
>Which, to be honest, wasn't something that you usually felt
>Like at all
>You had been calm when your sister had returned
>You had been collected when Discord decided to rear his ugly head
>Heck, you had even been semi-ready for Triek when he marched on Canterlot
>But now you had to resist the urge to run back to your room and hide under a blanket
>Because right now you weren't facing a normal enemy
>This foe was one that you could not seal away or send to the moon or send your student to fight
>No
>You, Celestia Solaire Invictus, Lady of the Sun and the mother of one of the most powerful nations that has ever existed, were about to match wits with a colt
>A colt that you really liked
>A colt that liked to be around you, Celestia, not "Princess Celestia"
>And who you didn't have to look down at to talk to
>And whose smile made your heart flutter and--
>Urgh!
>Focus Celestia!
>You can't let this stallion get into your bucking head before you've even seen him!
>You snort and give your head a shake to get some alpha flowing
>YEAH!
>ALPHA AS FUARRRRRK!
"I assure you that this is ABSOLUTELY necessary, Raven," you tell the little mare beside you
>"But Highness doesn't this seem a little ... excessive for some colt?"
>Though your first instinct say that Anon wasn't just SOME COLT and chew your assistant out you restrained yourself
>Raven was one of your closest companions and it WAS her job to make you think carefully of what you were doing was good for your image and for your little ponies as a whole
>But this was different
>This wasn't some silly manner of state
>This was a manner of love
>And that shit was totes important yo!
"He's not a colt, Raven."
>"You know what I mean your Majesty."
>You can't help but crack a small smile
"I know, my little pony, but trust me when I say that everything I have done was necessary to woo "some colt" as you so elegantly put it. He is important to me and I want to make sure that this is as perfect as can be."
>To be fair you might have gone a little overboard with this
>A Princess such as yourself shouldn't be following a stallion around like a lost puppy
>But it wasn't your fault!
>This colt, this hyemon just had... something
>Something that drew you in!
>You had just thought him another stallion when your student had brought him up to Canterlot
>Cute and a bit exotic sure, but nothing that you hadn't seen
>You had questioned him, found out that his name was Anonymous and he was a "huemon"
>And, after speaking to him at great length, you had offered him a room at the castle (as any mare would do)
>It was when you had invited him to your room for a cup of tea that you found out Anon wasn't like any stallion that you'd seen in a LONG time
>The hyemon was excellent company
>Someone that wasn't intimidated at all of your rank and size and stature
>And you enjoyed that about him, so much so that you invited him to another tea time
>Just like last time you had a wonderful time speaking to him
>So after that you started to speak to him on a daily basis
>The two of you became fast friends after a month or two
>And a few months after that you could safely consider Anonymous as one of your closest companions
>Then you started getting this funny, colty feeling whenever he was about
>Which then got worse and worse until you couldn't think about anything other than him and how nice it felt when he hugged you and how lonely your bed felt at night
>You hadn't know until to was too late but this odd stallion, this creature from another world, had stolen your heart
>Stolen it with such efficiency and precision that your heart pounded and your knees went weak whenever you were around him
>But now it was your turn!
>YOU were going to take HIS heart and win him over and call him yours!
>...Hopefully...
>It had been a long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, LONG time since you had taken a mate
>So long that you couldn't remember your last coltfriends face
>Sure, you'd had your share of tail over the years but that was just sex
>Dirty, dirty sex...
>But sometimes you wanted something more meaningful than riding some walking cock!
>You wanted some walking cock to care about you and you wanted to care about him
>Emotionally and shit
>Which meant that you might have been a little bit... RUSTY with wooing
>But say what you will you had always been a grade A planner!
>Somepony that could get anything she wanted with enough patience and elbow grease!
>So you had planned on the best course of action into winning Anonymous
>Then you had put your plan, the bit of genius it was, and into action
>The first thing you did was make sure to quietly tell every single mare in Canterlot, in no uncertain terms, that any attempts to woo, seduce, or sexually harass Anon would NOT go very well for them
>He was your human!
>No bucking touchy!
>Then you had gotten out the oldest books on courting that you could find and began reading like there was no tomorrow
>You weren't going to need all of the new fangled poppycock that the kids used today!
>The old way would win Anon's heart over!
>It worked back then and I'd work now!
>Maybe!
>Probably!
>Hopefully!
>...Wooing couldn't have changed that much right?
>Nah
>You bet that it didn't change at all!
>After your books were read you had decided to mold yourself into the marelest mare that has ever and will ever exist
>You had let your chest tuft grow free and wild
>You starting hitting the gym with a vengeance
>And you had doubled up on your vanilla shampoo ('cause colts LOVEd vanilla)
>It had taken months of preparation but you finally felt ready
>The castle was empty, you had worked your horn to the nub making a beautiful sunset, and Anon was out in your garden doing silly colt things
>Today was the day that you were going to woo yourself a hyemon!
"Remember to have that bottle of 407 Frankenswine Delore in my room within the hour, Raven," you tell your secretary. "Make sure it's chilled but not too chilled, I don't want Anon getting a headache while drinking it."
>Raven nods, though you can still see that she clearly did understand why you were doing this
>She would when she fell in love with some colt herself you wager
>Then you'd tease her and do your best to help her out to win the colt of HER dreams
>'Cause mares had to stick together yo!
>"Would you like it if I brought you something to nibble on also?" Raven asked as you looked down at the mighty jungle that was your chest tuft
"That would be wonderful, thank you," you say as you use your magic to puff out your chest hair even more
>Raven rolls her eyes but you just puff your chest out proudly
>Your tuft game was top bucking notch!
>The second that Anon was it he drop those pants of his faster than you could say cake!
>...Hopefully
>...YOU thought it looked good...
>It took a few minutes but soon both you and Raven find yourselfs at the entrance of the garden
>"I'll make sure that everything's ready for you, Highness," she says, patting wither before adjusting her glasses
>You nod
"I appreciate your help, Raven," you say with a smile. "I wouldn't be standing here if it weren't for you."
>Raven answers you with a smile of her own
>"It was my honor, Princess," she tells you before pointing out the door. "Now go and get your colt while I make sure everything you asked for is ready."
>You take a step forward and take a deep breath as Raven leaves you
>Alright Celestia
>It was do or die time
>You had to be commanding and firm but understanding and gentle
>You had give off an area of attraction and mareliness but not so much that you scared Anon off
>You needed to be in the zone
>So take another deep breath...
>...
>...
>...
>You now are lighter than a slice of bread
>An alpha slice of bread
>That could woo any colt it wanted without batting an eyelash
>COME ON!
>YOU BUCKING GOT THIS!
>YOU
>GOT
>THIS!
>FUAAARRRRRKKKKINNNNNGGGGGG ALLLLPPPPPHHHHHHHAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!
 
BE ANON
>It's another day at the lovely Canterlot castle
>You, being the lazy asshole that you were, were lounging under your favorite oak tree in the gardens while you did your best to whittle a lion out of a chunk of wood
>You had already managed to make a wolf (or wolfish thing) and a deer (or at least something that looked like a deer in the right light) and you wanted to get every houses animal from Game of Thrones
>Since you were a fucking dork and you had nothing better to do in horseland
>...
>...
>...
>You should probably look for a job or something
>You lazy putz...
>"Oh, there you are Anon! I was looking everywhere for you!"
>You look up from your "masterpiece" to see a grinning sun horse
>A naked grinning sun horse
>how was naked for... some reason
"Heya Celly," you greet, folding up the pocket knife you had been using and leaning forward. "How are ya doing?"
>Her smile widens
>"Oh I'm doing very well, thank you for asking."
>You nod and wait for her to say something else
>She said she had been looking for you, so she must have something important to tell you
>So you just leaned back against the old oak tree and wait for her to spill the beans
>And waited
>And waited
>ANNNNDDDD WAAAIIITTTTEEEDDDD
"...Did you need something Celestia or..."
>The Princess blinks in surprise before nodding
>"Oh! Yes! I have something I wanted to show you!"
>You see her fidget slightly, looking around nervously
>"Something... important...
 
BE CELESTIA AGAIN
>ALRIGHT!
>You had Anon right where you wanted him!
>All cute and innocent sitting against a tree!
>So now it was time to show him that you wanted to be together and maybe see a movie sometime maybe when he wasn't busy or anything because youlikedhimandwantedtostartseeingeachother!
>And to do that you had to unleash your secret weapon
>A colt magnet
>Something that would really SHOW him your interest
>You had to show him one of the most potent dances of love conceived by ponykind
>The Amore de Fantasia
>Anon didn't know what was coming
>You can't help but grin impishly
>Heh
>Coming...
 
BE ANON ONCE MORE
>You watch as Sun hoers stretches, readying herself for... whatever she was gonna show you
>You would have asked what exactly she was showing you but she looked as serious as all hell right now so you decided to shut your mouth and see what happened
>Thiswasgonnabegood.jnp
>After a minute of stretching and Celestia stands back up to her full height, looking down at you with a look of utter focus and concentration
>"Alright, are you ready Anon?"
>It'shappening.gpj
"Whenever you're ready, Celestia," you say, gesturing for her to start
>"Okay... here I go!"
>Celestia takes a deep breath before sitting on her rump
>A whicker escaped her throat as she spread her wings and give them a little flap
>...
>...
>...
>What the hell was goin--
>Ohshitshe'sstartingagain!
>The Princess hops back to her hooves and begins... prancing around in circles, tossing her head back and forth and keeping her chest puffed out as much as possible
>...Aw
>What is this silly horse doing?
>Celestia let out a loud neigh before giving her wings another flap and rolling onto her back
>You can't help but smile as she starts kicking her hooves sporadically
>With an utter look of concentration she rolls onto her belly and lets out a horsey snort before looking over at you and bobbing her head
>Trying not to laugh you bob your head right back
>You might not have known what the heck was going on but this was the cutest thing that you've ever seen Sun horse do
>Hell, this might have been the cutest thing you've seen ANY pony do
>Grade A Hnnngg material this
>Seeing your head bob Celestia whickers again, her ears moving to and fro, before rolling around on the ground for a bit
>Putting your little wooden lion down and rising to your feet you make your way over toward the silly little horse before you
>You couldn't just sit there and watch this silliness unfold before you!
>You had to join on in!
>Celestia let out a surprised squeak as you sit down, wrap your arms around her neck, and roll around with her
>If Sunny Buns wanted to be a silly hoers and play around you were happy to oblige
>It was a hell of a lot better than sitting around whittling a shitty lion that much was for sure
>Celestia let out another neigh and snorts into your face as you laugh, rolling the two of you around until you both were panting and sweaty and you were laughing so hard that you chest hurt
>Eventually, after five minutes or so, you stop playing around with the silliest horse in poneland, simply laying there scratching Celestia's ear as she nuzzled your chest
>Heh
>Silly sun Hoers
 
BE CELESTIA ONE LAST TIME
>Ohmygosh!
>It actually worked!
>You had barely started your wooing dance and Anon couldn't keep his hands off of you!
>It was kinda of a shame that you didn't get to finish the dance since you had spend days perfecting it but buck it!
>Anon liked you!
>Liked-liked if him rolling around holding onto you meant anything!
>*HappyHorsenoises*
>This was perfect!
>You couldn't have planned for this to turn out anymore perfect!
>You had the colt of your dreams cradling your head as you laid atop him, rubbing yourself all over him to get your stank on him and claim him as your own
>You could REALLY claim him as your own after the two of you got up and you carried him to your bedroom and whispered sweet nothings into his ear
>But for now this was enough
>Sitting here under your sun nuzzling his chest while he pet you and called you a silly horse
>With a happy sigh you close your eyes, reaching up with a wing and tickling your human's nose
"Yep... still got it"
 
 
**************************************************
 
 
BE ANON
>You can't but frown in irritation as you walk out of your house pushing a wheelbarrow toward your front lawn
>Because of some BULLSHIT housing code you had to go and install a new, eco friendly septic tank for your home
>A septic tank that was going to cost you a fuck ton and that was a hell of a lot smaller than the one you had first installed in your house in the first place
> And yes
>You're pretty fucking mad about it
>You paid your taxes to this little horse government!
>You were out working seventy hours a week trying to make the world-- and your pockets-- just a bit fuller!
>Where did they get off telling you what kind of tank you needed to store your shit in?!
>You WOULD have gone to the town hall but FUCK THAT
>You didn't feel like going down to the local magistrate to bitch just to get told off
>A lot of ponies had already tried that and the mare had sent them away, insisting that this was for the BENEFIT of everyone
>What a bunch of bull
>The citizens of Ponyville had tried to find a way around the order or even say that it was illegal (the cheap little buggers they are) but it looked like it was a no-go
>Apparently there was some shady law in some long forgotten book of horse laws that said you had to get your septic tank upgraded every forty years or so
>And since it just so happened to be right about the forty year mark and most of these houses-- even though pretty much all of them had been destroyed like fifty times in the past two or three years-- still used old tanks you were all fucked
>You personally just think that she was trying to get her one of her fuckbuddies--that just so happened to own a bunch of the tanks that you just so happened to need--some business but whatever
>If they wanted you to do it you'd fucking do it
>If it was good for the environment and you got a tax deduction from buying the thing you could deal with it
>But you were going to be DAMNED if you were going to pay someone to dig the thing up!
>Mayor Mare had said that she'd send construction crews around for just that purpose--from her sister's construction company no fucking less!-- but just like most of the little horses around here you were just going to dig it up yourself
>In fact you've seen ponies walking around offering to help dig up their neighbors tank for free!
>Or, at the very least, for a heck of a lot cheaper than what the construction company wanted to charge you
>RoRofightthepower.gpj
>The Mayor might be fucking you over so her niggers could get 'de paper but that didn't mean you had to smile and deal with it
>...Fucking Mayor Mare
>If that bitch gets back into office next election there's no hope for horseland...
>But enough about that shit
>You had a big ass hole to dig
>And you just so happened to have had taken a few days off so you could get this shit done
>So that's what you were gonna do
>Because if you didn't get it done right now then you were never going to
>You had already picked out and parked a good spot for the thing and you had a shovel and pick axe for digging the ten foot deep by fifteen feet wide hole
>Now you just had to man up and get that shit done
>You weren't a stranger to hard labor
>It'd take a while to do it by yourself but you'd get it done eventually
>And besides, it was better than paying someone else to do it
>'Cause FUCK that!
 
BE APPUL HOERS
>"Thanks for the help, Applejack! It would have taken us forever to get this done by ourselves!"
>You can't help but smile at Lyra and Bon Bon, both whom were as sweaty and dirt-covered as you were, as you placed your well used shovel on your shoulder
"I was happy ta help," you tell them. "The mayor might be runnin' the lot of us through the dirt with this cot-picking new housin' law of 'ers but that don't mean we can't go around helpin' each other out!"
>An' you'd keep helpin' ponies get through this nonsense that the mayor was puttin' you all through
>It weren't right for her to be pullin' this outta the blue like she did
>Especially if she was doin' is 'cause she wanted ta get her husband some business!
>Darn near gave poor ol' granny a heart attacking payin' for that new tank
>In fact the lot of you at the Apple farm had been mighty sore about the whole thing
>But you were an Apple darnit!
>Since you couldn't get around the house code-- and Celestia knows you tried every way you would think of-- you an' lil' Applebloom had set yours up in a jiffy
>And, seeing how much that fancy-pants construction crew was tryin' to charge folks out the horseshoes, you had decided to see if you could get a bit of money on the side biggin' some holes
>Apple buckin' was a ways away and you HAD been meanin' to to buy yourself some new rope for... reasons (and NOT 'cause you wanted to join a rape herd!) so this was a good chance to work up a sweat and get yourself paid!
>And even if what you were a'chargin' ponies it was still half of what those crew ponies were!
>...Bucking government
>Tryin' to take muh hard earned bits so no good reason...
>After collecting your bits and wishin' Bonny and Lyre goodbye you trot into town to see if anypony else needed your services
 
"Hey Cherry Berry! Did ya need any help with that there diggin'?"
>"No thanks Applejack! Me and the girls got it!"
"What 'bout you Junebug? you look like you could use a helpin' hoof!"
>"Nah, I'm good over here Applejack! Me and the herd will get this done in a jiffy!"
>It went on like that for a long while
>You'd go to ponies houses askin' for work and you'd get turned away
>It looked like most ponies were just up and doing it themselves or gettin' another pony that had gotten the same bright idea as you to help
>It looked like you had gotten lucky getting Lyra and Bonny and the few others that you managed to work fer
>Ponyville looked drier an' the Appleloosan desert for diggin' work
>...Shoot
>Darn shame that you didn't finish up with Lye and Bon earlier
>You might have gotten a bit more work
>You still travel this way an' that, if just go have a chat with a few of your buddies in town an' just shoot the shit
>After this you had nothin' better to do
>Maybe a you and a couple of your buddies could go down to Berry's bar an' try to pick up a colt or---
>What the hay happen' over there?
>You stopped in your tracks when you see a few mares all gathered together whisperin' about somethin'
>Though you're not usually a neb-noser like Rarity you find yourself trottin' closer out of boredom
>"And he's just doing all of that work by himself!"
>"It's a shame. The poor stallion's got nopony to help him..."
>"Do you think we should go over there and see if we could lend a hoof?"
>"At the very least we could go over there and flirt a bit! Seeing a stallion working up a sweat is pretty bucking hot!"
>Trotting closer, you do your best to look over the group of mares to see what they're lookin' at
"An' what the hay's got ya'll riled up like this?" you ask. "Is somethin' wrong?"
>Every single mare turns toward you, each and every one of them looking slightly uncomfortable
>"Oh, hiya Applejack," Roma says, nodding her head at you. "We were just talking about... well, just look for yourself."
>You follow the mare's hoof and see Anonymous, your local alien primate, diggin' himself a hole
>It takes a few seconds to connect the dots of what you were seein' but when they did you couldn't help but gasp
>That poor stallion over there didn't have no herd an' he lived by his lonesome
>The poor colt was a different sort of fella an' he hadn't been livin' here that long....
>So when the mayor passed her little code he probably figured that he had to go an' put in his tank by himself
>A STALLION was bigging a big ol' hole ALL BY HIMSELF
>And not a single mare here thought to help 'em
>You find yourself glaring at the group
"Now why didn't ya'll go over there an' offer to help?!" you snap
>The mare's flinch an' one tried to say something but you cut her off
"Letting a stallion work by himself."
>You snort
>"Now I'm sure your pa's raised you better 'an that!"
>Pushing your way through a group of thoroughly ashamed fillies, you walk toward poor, poor Anon
"If ya'll ain't goin' to help'em then I'll mosy on over there an' offer myself!"
>Unlike a SOME ponies YOU were raised to help a stallion in need
>An' you couldn't let Anon do all of their marely work with him and his stallion senseabilities an' all
>As you near the human, who looked to have dug at least a foot deep for his tank, you heard him quietly singing to himself
>"My milkshakes bring all the boys to the yard, damn right it's better than your's. I'd teach you but I'd have to charge!"
>You can't help but twitch when a certain scent fills the air
>Sweat
>Stallions sweat
>...Anon is lookin' mighty fine swingin' that pick of--
>Hey now!
>Just wait a cotton-pickin minute Miss Apple!
>Now don't you go on tryin' to do anything other than what you came over here to do in the first place!
>You twitch again as Anon lets out a grunt as he swings the pick axe again but you quickly shake your head
"Howdy Anon!" you call with a slightly too big smile on your face
>The human doesn't look up from his diggin'
>"Hi Applejack, how's it going?"
>Adjustin' the hat on your noggin' you trot close toward him
"I saw you over here diggin' an' I was wonderin' if you needed any help sugarcube."
>Anon grunts again as his pick axe sinks into the soil
>"Thanks for offering but I'm good."
>You blink owlishly
>A stallion WANTED to work like a dog?"
"Are you sure?" you blurt out. "I'd be more an' happy to help ya!"
>Was there somthin' wrong with'em?
>Other than your big brother you didn't rightly recall any stallion that'd do this willingly!
>Was he shy?
>Did you make him nervous?
>Was he just tryin' to be a stubborn colt an' show all you mares that he didn't need no help?
>Your face falls as Anon just shakes his head
>"Thanks for offering but I'm good."
>You shuffle in place uncomfortably
"Are ya sure? I wouldn't even charge ya or nothin'..."
>Anon just grunts
>"You'll just get in the way and this take a hell of a lot longer."
>You're about to say somethin' but he just waves you away
>"You have a nice day Applejack."
"...You... You too partner..."
>You glance at the human for a second before slowly walkin' away
>Somethin' wasn't right here...
>You didn't know what but anypony would want help digging a big bucking hole!
>Somethin' was the matter with Anon and you needed to find out what
>But first you needed to get some help
>"My booty be shakin' my haters be hatin'.... something, something FIREBALL!"
>...
>...
>...
>Yep
>There was somethin' wrong with that colt...
 
BE ANON AGAIN
>"Whoo! Yeah, you dig that hole colt! You work up a sweat!"
>It's the second day of you digging this big ass hole and you'd like to think you had gotten a good bit done
>"Someponies working up a sweat!"
>You had managed to dig up about a foot and a half up from your laid out digging area and had even found someplace to put all of the dirt yesterday
>And now that you used your pickaxe to break up all of the really hard dirt, leaving the softer stuff underneath, you were sure to get this fucking hole dug up in a day or two
>Even though it was barely past lunch you had managed to dig up and haul away another foot of soil already
>So you had this shit in the bag
>"Why don't you let a real mare show you how to dig a hole, colt! The two of us can even take a shower together after I show you how it's done!"
>And speaking of soil you found yourself with a lot of it
>Almost a half of a ton right now and a hell of a lot more coming
>There was a good chance that you weren't going to need all of this soil to bury your tank-- which STILL hadn't been delivered yet-- but you were sure you could do SOMETHING with it
>Hell, you could just use it to make a little garden somewhere in your front lawn
>Maybe you could even plant up a bunch of flowers over this fucking septic tank
>"Poor stallion. Somepony should go over there and help him out! He's gonna hurt himself if he keeps working like he's working."
>The soil was already all turned up so you couldn't see why not
>Your front lawn was pretty dull and it could use a bit of colo--
>"Turn around and show us your flank you slut!"
>You finally look up from your digging to the crowd that had gathered around your fence
>The second you look up at them every single mare looks away, each one of them doing their best to look like they were doing something other than gawking at you
>...And shouting and whistling
>Lets not forget that they're doing THAT
>...And have been for the past FOUR HOURS
"OI! Will all of you shut the fuck up and get away from my fence," you snap, waving your shovel at them. "I'm trying to work and I can't when half the fuckin town's got nothing better to do than bother me!"
>You had managed to ignore it at first
>You knew these little horses were weird and did some weird shit
>Some catcalling and whistling was almost normal compared to what usually happened around here
>Hell, you were even a bit flattered
>You weren't going to stick your dick in any of them--you weren't no horsefuker--but it was nice to see that these little ponies thought you were attractive
>In a weird, slightly narcissistic way
>But then the mares just kept coming and coming until there were like EIGHTY little pone's just standing there watching you fucking dig
>And you had just about enough of it
"Go on! Get the hell out of here and go be fucking weird somewhere else!"
>The mares shy away from your fence as you drop you shovel and step out of your hole and make your way toward them
>You were going to boop the SHIT out of them
>THAT'D teach em a lesson they'd never forget...
>You ready your pointer fingers of destruction and were about to reach out to the nearest little horse when someone starts to loudly tsk
>"Well I never! I trot into town to buy some bread and look at what I find!"
>The crowd parts, revealing a horrified looking Rararararara
>"You all harassing some poor stallion like he was some piece of meat! Never in all of my years--"
>Rarity continues to berate the mares as she walks toward you, so much so that each and every one of them look like they're ready to run away from embarrassment and shame
>You just sit back and watch the scene in front of you unfold with a smile
>Good ol' Rarara
>She'd get these women off your back so you can get back to work!
>"--And further more each and every one of you should have just offered to help the poor dear in the beginning instead of bothering him like--"
>Wait a second
"Hey, Rarity."
>Rararara stops her little rant and looks at you with a smile
>"Did you need something Darling?"
>You lean against your fence
"It's actually what I DON'T need."
>You watch as confusion worms it way onto Rarity's face
>"Whatever do you mean, Darling?"
"I don't need any help with digging," you tell her
>You hear the crowd start to murmur amongst themselves but you continue to eyeball the dressmaker
"I already told a bunch of you that I didn't need any help and I still don't.
>"B-But--"
>You boop Rarara and she reels back, her nose scrunching up and her eyes derping
>...Aw
>Qt little pone
>You were about to reach out and boop her again but decide against it
>Her little horse body wouldn't be able to handle two boops in such a short time
"I appreciate the offers ladies," you say, looking up at the crowd. "But I think I can handle digging a hole by my lonesome. All I want is a bit of peace and quiet doing it if you don't mind."
>All is silent as you and the crowd stare at each other
>You're looking at them expectantly and they're looking at you like you just grew a second head
>...
>...
>...
>...And the seconds tick by...
>...
>...
>...
>Oh shit!
>Could it be?!
>You knew this silence!
>It was AWKWARD SILENCE!
>Every Time there's an awkward silence a terrorists is born!
>Ohfuckingshitson!
>Youcan'tlettheterroristswin!
>Youhadtodosomething!
>For'Questria!
>Loudly clearing your throat you clap your hands together
"Alright, so... you can all go now. Shoo."
>The mares look at one another before slowly leaving
>"Well he didn't have to be MEAN about it. We would have been happy to help but he had to tell us to buck off..."
>"If he wants to do it all by himself who are we to stop him? Even though it's pretty bucking weird...."
>"It looks like we got a case of "strong independent stallion that don't need no mare"!"
>"I didn't even want to see his flank anyway..."
>Rararara looks like she wants to say something else but you just shoo her away until she leaves with the rest of them
>These little horses have overstayed their welcome
>The chattering and yelling was funny for a little while but you still had to dig this hole
>Sooo...
>Don't let the door hit you where the pony god split you
>The moment that the last mare is out of sight you take a deep breath and spin around
"Good! Now I can get back to fucking work!" you mutter, making your way back to you hole and your shovel. "Fucking silly, crazy little horses... Trying to keep me from my lawn work..."
 
BE TWILIGHT SPARKLE
>"--And that's when he said that he didn't want anypony to help him and shooed us away!"
>You find yourself frowning as Rarity tells her rather disconcerting tale
>It looked like what Applejack, and some other ponies that you had spoken to, had said was right after all
>Anon didn't want your help digging the hole for his septic tank
>Which didn't sit well with you and any other your friends
>Applejack and Rarity seem particularly concerned about it since they were concerned that Anon was going to hurt himself with all of that digging
>A concern that you shared
>Anon was a stallion after all
>And not to sound sexist or anything but colts were a good bit more fragile than a mare
>If he swung that pick axe of his he could get seriously hurt!
"Are you sure he actually told you to go away?" you ask your friend. "You know how colts are; them telling you to go away could just be another way of saying that they want some help."
>Rarity shakes her head
>"I'm afraid not," she tells you with a shake of her head. "It sounded like he really just wanted to do it himself."
>Huh...
>But why and the hay would be want to do something like that though?
>You had a brother, you knew what colts were like
>Even though Shining was a guard even he wouldn't want to dig a hole by himself
>He'd let a mare help him if they asked
>Heck, he'd probably GET a mare to help him
>Sweet Faust above, even Big Mac, one of the hardest working stallions you knew, wouldn't want to dig a hole by himself
>Hmmm...
>Something wasn't right about this...
"I think something else is going on here girls," you tell the other elements, all of whom were sitting around the friendship table of doom with you.
>You see Rainbow shrug
>"I don't know why you're making such a big deal out of this, Twi," she says before yawning and ruffling her feathers. "If the stallion wants to do the work himself then why make a big deal out of it?"
>She licks her lips
>"And besides, now we got some eye candy whenever we're in town. Watching a stallion work is as hot as buck."
>Rarity scoffs
>"Rainbow's views aside--"
>"Hey! I'm just speaking the truth, Rarity!"
>"--We really should go and help the poor dear out. No stallion should have to do hard labor like that..."
>Pinkie hops out of her chair and lands onto the table
>"Yeah! And we can have a hole digging party afterward I can invite everypony and wecanhavelotsoffunand--"
>Rolling your eyes, you try to pick Pinkie off of the table with your magic but she hops around, envaded it
>"andmaybewecanget'Nonnytomeetsomemare'ssoitdoesn'thavetodothisagainand--"
>Waitaminute!
>Thelightblubisabovemyhead.eureka
>This time you manage to grab Pinkie with a spell and you bring her close to you face
"Pinkie!" you say, grabbing her cheeks. "Say what you just said again!"
>Your pink friend blinks
>"...We're going to have lots of fun and I'll and I can finally try out that chocolate fountain that I just bought?"
>You shake your head
"No, what you said after that!"
>"And maybe we can get 'Nonny to meet some mares?"
"That's it!"
You drop Pinkie and throw up your hooves
"Why didn't I think of it sooner!"
>The girls look at each other before looking back at you
"Um, if you don't mind me asking, Twilight, what are you talking about?" Fluttershy mumbles from behind her mane
>Lifting Pinkie off of the table you hop up on it yourself
"Just think about it girls! Stallions are usually extremely social creatures! If they're not with their friends they're with their herd mates or marefriends or what have you!"
>"An' your point is sugarcube?" Applejack asked
>You turn to face her
"We already know that Anon doesn't have a herd right? But when was the last time you've seen him running around with a group of stallions? When did you last see him accept a mare's advances? ANYTHING like that"
>Rarity understands where you're going with this first, her eyes widening as she gasped dramatically
>"Oh sweet Celestia! The poor dear must feel so isolated from everypony!"
>You nod
"Exactly! Since Anon isn't from around here he has no idea about pony culture and mannerisms, so when he acts differently stallions stay away from him and when a mare shows her interest he either ignores them or drives them away even if he doesn't know he's doing it!"
>How couldn't you have seen it earlier?
>You had wondered why a colt like Anonymous had stayed on the market for as long as he had
>He MUST have noticed mares tripping over themselves to win over a stallion or join a herd
>And it must have hurt when not a single one--or so he thought-- showed interest in him
>Human females MUST attract males differently than how mares did
>That HAD to be it!
>That was why Anon always seemed to stay to stay away from everypony!
>...
>...
>...
>...Oh
>...He must be REALLY hurting...
>Stallion from another dimension or not that's a blow to any ego...
>The poor thing, with no stallion friends and probably thinking that he was the ugliest thing in the world...
>But he WASN'T ugly!
>He wasn't ugly one BIT!
>He was a big intelligent, funny, handsome, muscular glass of water that you...
>Hey now!
>Not in front of your friends!
"Poor Anon," Applejacks says with a shake of her head. "The fella must feel mighty awful..."
>"That must be why he doesn't want anypony to help him out with his digging," Rarity adds. "He must think we're just doing it out of pity..."
>The other girls mutter the same as you look at each and every one of them
>Thefeelsarebeingfelt.feel
"BUT we can fix this!" you say brightly. "Now that we know the problem we can work on solving it!"
>Hopping off of the table you motion for your friends to crowd around you
"Alright girls, here's what we're going to do..."
 
>BE ANON: LORD OF DIRT AND SHOVELS
>It's the third day of you digging this big ass hole
>Since you had gotten some peace and quiet the other day you had gotten a hell of a lot more work done
>You must have dug up three tons of dirt and moved it all by your lonesome
>Hell, you had even managed to find someone who'd be willing to take any dirt that you weren't going to use
>#DiggyDiggyHoleHole
>You were happy with your process but two days of some pretty hard labor was starting to beat you down a bit
>Your shoulders, back, and hands ached
>You had blisters on your blisters
>And you were TIRED
>Like the kind of tired where you wanted to just pass out on your bed for a day or five
>But you were a big boy
>All you had needed was some bandages for your hands and you were fine
>You were still kinda bored, since you were just digging a hole and doing nothing else for three fucking days straight, but you weren't going to bitch about it
>Your pa taught you better than that!
>And it wasn't like what you were doing was THAT awful
>You had taken plenty of breaks in between digging
>And thank god the last couple of days had been pretty mild, otherwise you'd be pretty miserable right now
"I've been working in this hooooole, alllllll the fuckinnnnnnggggg daaaayyyy!"
>Humming your little tune to yourself you throw another shovelful of dirt over your shoulder
"Soooomething something woooooordddddds woooooorrrrrrdddddsss! Blah blah blahblah!"
>*quiethorsenoises*
>You pause for a second
>It sounded like someone had just said something...
>Maybe...
>It was so quiet that it could have just been the wind but you swore someone had just said your name...
>Leaning against your shovel you wait for the speaker to pipe up and say something else
>You wait for about a minute before scratching your head and looking around
>There wasn't a single little horse in sight
>And the last time you checked this little horse town wasn't infested by any microscopic talking critters or ghosts...
"Huh... I guess it was just the wind or something," you mutter, going back to your digging. "Bit I could have sworn I heard--"
>"Um... excuse me?"
>Usually a voice speaking out of nowhere would have scared the SHIT out of you
>But because the voice was so quiet and timid and quiver-y that all you did was look around once again
>Though you couldn't see the speaker you know who that voice belonged to!
"Flutters? Where the hell are you?"
>You hear someone landing behind you
>"O-Oh, I'm sorry if I frightened you... I was just trying to get your attention but you couldn't hear me so I decided to fly a little closer.... I'm sorry..."
>Turning around you see Fluttershy, as shy and Flutterish as ever, doing her best to hide behind her mane as you stared at her
>"I'm sorry that my voice wasn't loud enough for you to hear the first time, Anon..."
>You do your best not to groan
>Silly little horse apologizing for every single little thing
>If you didn't know any better you would have sworn that she was fucking Canadian
"Hey, it's fine, flutters," you say, wedging your shovel into the ground before wiping your dirty hands off on your pants
"There's no need to apologize because you have some weird condition that only lets you talk in whispers."
>The little yellow bird horse blinks
>"W-Wait, that's not why--"
>Stretching, you groan as something in your back pops
"Hey, Flutters, could you do me a favor and grab that jug of water and that pickaxe?"
>You point toward them out with a hand before using your shirt to clean up your sweaty face
"I'd appreciate it."
>Fluttershy looks like she wants to say something but decides against it, going over and grabbing the items that you asked for and placing them next to your hole
"Thanks, Fluttershy," you say, grabbing the jug of water and uncorking the bottle. "You're a lifesaver."
>You take a big gulp of your H2O and sigh
>Hmmm
>Watery
"Now, what did you need?"
>You watch as Fluttershy just looks at you for a second, waiting as the little gerbil in her head to start running again so she could remember why she was here
>...At least that's how you think ponies brains work
>Them being silly little talking horses and all
>"Oh! Um, well..."
>A blush quickly forms on her face
>"I j-just wanted you t-to know that you're n-not alone, Anon. Everypony h-here cares about you and we all t-think you're a w-w-onderful s-stallion."
>She bites her lip while you were busy processing what she had just said
>"A-And... I thinkyou'rehandsome!"
>With a quiet epp she takes off into the air and darts away from you
>...
>...
>...Alright
>That... happened...
>Where the hell did all of that come from?
>Did flutters have a thing for you?
>And what was that part about all of the little ponies caring about you?...
>With a shake of your head you grab your shovel
>It looked like the last guy that put in this old tank had decided to take the piss and put in a shit ton of big stones that you were gonna have to dig out
"It's going to be one of those days," you mutter, bringing your pickaxe up and swinging it down. "I just fucking know it..."
 
BE TWILIGHT SPACKLE
>You and the girls watch as Fluttershy zooms toward you, her eyes as wide as saucers and her face as red as a tomato
>"Ohmygosh!" she whisper-shouted, landing in front of you all and trotting in place. "Ican'tbelievethatIsaidallofthat!"
>You smile, walking over and placing your hoof on her shoulder
>The other girls might have been concerned at first about Fluttershy being the one to kick off your master plan
>The poor mare usually got so nervous around stallions that she could barely BREATH
>But despite her nervousness she HAD been a supermodel, and she was a pretty good-looking mare (no homo)
>If anypony would be able to tell Anon that he was a looker and get away with it it was her
"I'm proud of you, Fluttershy," you tell your friend. "Those confidence classes really are working!"
>Fluttershy just continues to trot in place, muttering to herself while she hyperventilates
>"Hey now," Applejack says, walking over and wrapping her a hoof around Flutter's shoulder. "You just calm down now, ya here? We don't want ya go and passin' out on us."
>The cowpony leads Fluttershy away as Rainbow Dash walks over to you with a smirk
>"So is it my turn, Twi?" she asked, her feathers ruffling and her tail swishing back and forth in what you can only assume is excitement
"Just give Anon a few minutes to digest what fluttershy said, Rainbow," you say with a shake of your head
"Somepony just appearing out of nowhere and complimenting you could be a bit much for anypony. I want to see how he takes Fluttershy openly telling him that he's attractive to a pony before I go sending you in."
>You heard Rainbow sigh as you pull out your binoculars and sp--er study Anon from afar
>It looked like he hadn't even slowed down after what Fluttershy had said!
>Talk about a thick-skulled stallion!
>He was just digging, pulling stones out of the hole and tossing them out with little effort
>Adjusting your binoculars you notice that the human had worked up quite the sweat...
>And... you could see those muscles of his tensing and straining each time he swung his pickaxe or picked up a rock...
>You bit your lip
>Sweet Celestia on her golden throne was Rainbow right
>Watching colts work up a sweat was the hottes--
>"Hey Egghead! YO! Twilight!"
>You almost drop your binoculars in shock as Rainbow gives you a light shove
>"Are you alright there? You've been looking through those binoculars of your's for like five minutes..."
>Ohshityoucansmellthesauce!
>Anditgoingtogeteverywhere!
>Trying your very hardest not to blush you start to awkwardly laugh
"O-Oh, I was just making sure that he's still calm and stable! Yep! We want the calmest and most stable human we can get if this is going to work!"
>Rainbow frowns as you magick your binoculars away
>"...Are you sur--"
"YesI'msurenowjustdropitplease!"
>Rarity giggles at your little outburst
>"Oh come now, darling," she chides, walking over to join you and Rainbow. "There's no need to be sheepish like that~"
>You can' help but squirm under the fashionista's gaze and that smile of her's
"B-but muh research..."
>Gently shushing you Rarity looks over at Rainbow
>"Rainbow dear I do believe that Anon has had enough time to think over what dear Fluttershy told him."
>She nudges toward Anon's general direction with her head
>"Why don't you be a dear and start your part of Twilight's "masterplan"?"
>You try to say something but one look from Rarity shuts you right up
>"Do be gentle now, dear. Anon is not like the... gentlecolt's that you usually associate with."
>Your Rainbow-maned friend frowns at that
>"Hey! What the hay do you mean about that?!"
>Pinkie, who had been balance a ball that she had gotten from... somewhere on her nose finally piped up
>"She means whorses, Rainbow. You spend a lot of time around and sleep with whorses."
>Now blushing herself, Rainbow stomps her hoof
>"HEY! I do NOT sleep with Whorses!"
>Pinkie bounces the ball on her nose and giggles
>"Well, you might not PAY them but I' heard that Thunderlane will--"
>Rarity loudly clears her throat
>"Girls, please! We can talk about Rainbow's choice in stallions at another time!"
>Rainbow glares at Rarity and Pinkie before walking toward Anon's house
>"I do NOT sleep with whorses," you heard her mutter. "Sure, Hooves might be a bit... loose and Jelly Belly might know how to eat a mare out but..."
>Rarity loudly sighs
>"Oh sweet Celestia I do hope that that mare doesn't do anything to ruin this plan for us."
>She bites her lip
>"Anon is such a nice stallion and it pains me to think of how lonely he must have been these past few months..."
>You can't help but smile
>Your friends were going out of their way to help a colt that must have felt alone and different for no other reason than to make sure he didn't feel like an outsider
>Sure... YOU might have been a little...skewed toward helping Anon and all (sinceyoulikedhimandstuff) and Rainbow would make a pass at him if he offered, but the other girls were doing this because they cared about him
>Not because they wanted to get in his pants and get all up in that monkey dick, but because he was their friend
>And you know what?
>Even if you didn't want to ask Anon out on a date maybe-if-he-wasn't-too-busy-or-something you'd probably still be out here helping him
>Because like the others you were this stallion's friend
>And friends help friends no matter what!
>Sure, he was a bit... distant with you all
>And sure, he usually preferred working than making friends
>But he was a good colt
>And more importantly he was a good friend
>You smile at your little revelation
>If you still wrote to your teacher this all would probably get turned into a friendship re--
>"So, Twilight," Rarity says, nudging you with a sly smile. "Why don't the two of us have a little talk about attracting colts."
>You flinch, ears pinning against the sides of your head
>Oh horse apples!
>You're bucking blushing again!
>spaghettimancer100
>Rarity's smile widens when she sees you in a flustered state
>"Now I know you said that Anon wouldn't respond to pony mating rituals but I happened to have a few pony sutra's that I'm SURE would be interesting to take a look at in case you ever happen to be thinking about looking outside your species to find somepony."
>You can't help but squeal as she nudges your ribs with her elbow
>"If you know what I mean."
 
BE RAINBOW DASH
>You're trotting toward that weird human's house
"--And I DID have had to get some shots after a roll in the hay with Caramel but that doesn't mean I can't find a bucking "good colt" or whatever the hay Rarity said..."
>And during that three block walk (the egghead had insisted that you didn't fly for some dumb reason) you were evaluating some of your life choices
>Namely the ones that revolved around colts and how you may or may not be sleeping with the town bicycles and ONLY the town bicycles...
>Though you really didn't know WHY you were thinking about it
>You were the awesomest pegasus in Ponyville
>No!
>You were the awesomest pegasus in the whole bucking WORLD!
>All you needed to do was flap your wings and show the colts the tuft and you'd be up to your neck in dick faster than you could BLINK!
>So what if the last couple colts that you had tagged and shagged weren't the some of the most... wholesome of specimens
>You could get anypony in this town if you wanted!
>And what do Rarity and Pinkie know about getting colts?
>Rarity only goes after those stuck up bitches up in Canterlot and Pinkie...
>Well... you really didn't know what was Pinkie's type
>...Or if she had a type
>...Or if she even knew what sex was an--
>Urgh
>StopstopstopstopSTOP!
>You don't need to be thinking of shit like THAT!
>All you needed to do was walk up to Anon and tell that he was a swell guy and pretty and that you cared about his feeling and shit
>You know, feelsy stuff
>You didn't know how doing that was going to make him feel any better and get him out of that hole of his but Twilight said that it'd help
>And she was an egghead that probably read a bunch of books on making colts feel pretty or something dumb like that so you were willing to take her word for it
"--Just because I don't go after the the prissy ones doesn't mean I go for bucking WHORSES..."
>Shit!
>You were supposed to be in the zone for this!
>And what Rarity said DIDN'T bother you because she was a big, dumb tom colt that played with dresses
>Youweren'tbuttblisteredaboutanything
>Youwereperfectlyhappyaboutyourdatingchoicesthankyouverymuch!
>You do a bit of grumbling before kicking a stone on the dirt road that you were walking on
"I bet If I bothered I could get Anon out of those dumb pants of his in a heartbeat!"
>....
>....
>....
>Yeah
>You probably COULD do that!
>That'd shut Rarity right up!
>You can't help but smile as you begin walking with a pip in your step
>Yeah!
>And Anon would stop being such a needy little colt after a good rutting you bet!
>You and the girls wouldn't have to spend the whole day bothering this colt
>Sure, you didn't find him particularly attractive or anything but so what?
>As long as he had a dick and not some bitey-grabby thing between his legs you weren't gonna complain
>You weren't picky after--
>NO!
>What you meant to say was that you had very high standards when it came to finding somepony to buck!
>You weren't easy!
>Nor was anypony that you've rutted!
>...Bucking Rarity
>But yeah, this was WAY better than the plan that Twilight had cooked up the other day
>And after you succeeded in winning over Anon so the other girls could dig up the hole for him all would be well
>You'd be able to rub it in Rarity's face (since, as far as you knew, Anon wasn't a sloot)
>And you'd get sum fuk out of it
>It'd be a win-win for everypony
>With your genius idea in hoof you make your way toward Anon's house, humming a little tune to yourself
>Alright!
>Time to do a quick check to see if everything about you was smexy as possible
>Were your wings large and well-preened?
>Yep
>Was your chest tuft thick and luxurious?
>You bet your flank it was!
>Were you the fastest thing alive
>You knew it!
>Weird alien thing or not you were sure that Anon would see how bucking good looking you were the second he saw you
>And even IF the whole "he doesn't know pony mannerisms" thing was on point you could always just out and ask him if he wanted to rut
>Colts always loved when you were aggressive and upfront about what you wanted
>They wanted to be taken by an ALPHA not some beta
>And you were alpha as fuaaarrrrkkkkk!
>Taking a moment to fluff your tuft up you trot into Anon's front yard
"Hey hot stuff! Do I have a proposition for YOU!" you say with all of the swagger your little horse body can muster as you walk over to the hole that the human had been at all day
"How'd you like to..."
>You frown when you see that the hole was empty
>...
>...
>...
"What? Where the hay did you go?"
>You quickly look around the front yard to see if he was walking around anywhere
"Huh... He must have went to the bathroom or something," you mutter, sitting on your flank
>Shoot
>You had really been in the wooing zone too
>And Anon just had to ruin it by up and vanishing...
>And that left you in an awkward position
>Should you go ahead with your idea and try to get into Anon's pants?
>An idea, now that you really thought about it, could end pretty badly for you if Anon got mad about it
>Since he had a shovel and all
>Or should you just stick with Twi's idea and just compliment him before leaving?
>With a sigh you look back into the hole
>...
>...
>...
>Huh
>It looked like Anon got a good bit of it already dug out
>That'd make it a LOT easier for you and the girls to dig it up the rest of the way
>Colt or not Anon could really...
>While you were just sitting there thinking your gaze drifted out from the hole and wandered the yard
>And that was when you saw it
>There, in the corner of Anon's front yard was a bird bath
>A stone bird bath that was filled with water and that looked JUST big enough for you to fit in...
>With a happy little squeak you trot over and look the thing up and down
"Wow! I didn't know Anon had one of these at his house!" you mutter, running your hoof down the bird bath's base
>Peering over the top you see that it's practically filled to the brim with water
>...
>...
>...
>No...
>You really shouldn't...
>You still had to help Twilight out with her stupid plan and stuff
>And you weren't a bird you were a pegasus for Celestia's sake...
>Your wings twitched and you bit your lip
>...Just splashing around for a minute or two wouldn't hurt anything
>Right?
>Driven by your bird-horse instincts, you quickly scramble up into the bird bath
>You giggle in delight when you feel the cold water hits your hooves
"Yes..."
>You can't help but giggle again, letting out a coo as you use your wings to pick up some water and dump it onto your head
>Though you didn't know WHY this felt... right
>Almost like you were MEANT to do this
 
BE ANON
>After digging a for a bit longer after Fluttershy's... complement you had decided to go into your house and get something to eat
>You needed to keep up your strength and all
>After fixing up something real quick, and a trip to the bathroom, you walk outside with a big grilled ham sandwich and a jug of water on your hands
>With cheese, 'cause you weren't a dirty savage
>You were just going to--
>"Hehe!"
>You pause mid bite of your sandwich you look over and see Rainbow Dash sitting in your bird bath, splashing around like it was the best thing in the whole world
>...
>...
>...
>Fuck
>This shit again?
>Why the hell did these fucking bird-horses always to try play around in your fucking bird bath?!
>You'd had to buy THREE of the damn things since the town's Pegasi population always tried to play around in them whenever you weren't around
>Fucking autistic horses
>Thinking that just because they had wings meant they were birds
>They weren't fucking birds
>So they shouldn't. Be. In. Your. Fucking. Bird. Bath
>GOD. DAMNIT.
>It might have been adorable seeing them splash around the first few times while they made their silly bird sounds but you had had enough
>You were tired of them breaking these damned things and you were sure as SHIT weren't gonna fork over the money to buy another one or take the time to chase Rainbow around town to force her to buy a new one if she broke the thing
>A frown makes its way onto your face as you walk over to the blue fast
>Rainbow, so caught up in her playing, doesn't notice you until you loudly clear your throat
"Oi, Rainbow."
>Rainbow stops her splashing and cooing to look over at you
>"Oh, hi Anon!" she says, giving you a little wave
>If your hands weren't full you would have facepalmed
>Fucking ponies...
>You take another bite out of your sandwich, wanting to give her a moment to think about the position she was in
>After a minute she just cocks her head at you
>"Did you need something? Cause I'm a little busy," she splashes around a little bit, "right now."
>She--
>What--
>Why was she--
"...Rainbow."
>"Yeah?"
"Get the fuck out of my bird bath."
>Rainbow blinks slowly before her face scrunches up
>"What? No!"
>She splashes around a bit more
>"I wanna splishy splashy!"
>...
>...
>...
>Nope
>You quickly finish your sandwich and put down your drink, taking a step toward the little horse
"Rainbow... I got work to do and I don't have time for this shit."
>Rainbow squeaks as you poke her chest
"So. Get. Out. Of. My. Fucking. Bird. Bath. For. Fuck's. Sake."
>Now, when trying to tell a little bird horse to get out of one's bird bath it could go two ways
>One: They would paw at your bird bath and make sad bird horse noises before leaving
>And two: they would glare at you, puff out their little chest spread their wings, make angry bird horse noises, and they wouldn't budge
>It looked like Rainbow was in the latter category
>"No! This is MY bird bath! I'm gonna play in it and there's nothing you can do about it!"
>She then proceeded to make this loud growling/purring sound that you suspected was supposed to startle other bird horses
>And you were sure that it was scary and all
>For bird horses
>But you weren't a bird horse
>You were a human that had was ready to stick his foot up Rainbow's ass
"...So you're not gonna get out of my bird bath?"
>"Nope."
"Even though I'm asking you real nice like?"
>"Naha."
>Rainbow yelped as you picked her up by the scruff of her neck
"Then I'm not gonna ask nice then."
 
BE TWIBRIGHT PURPLEHOERS
>What the hay is Rainbow doing?
>WHAT THE HAY IS RAINBOW BUCKING DOING?!?!?!?
>A bird bath? Really?!
>"Is something the matter, Darling?"
>You look up from your binoculars to look over at Rarity wide-eyed
>This wasn't good!
>Anon HATED it when Pegasi played around in his bird bath!
>You thought that you'd told Rainbow about that before!
>In fact you were SURE you had about her about it just the other day!
>Bucking three second attention span bird horses...
>Hey
>HEY NOW
>You might be upset Twilight but there's NO reason to be racists or stereotypical!
>Realizing that your little mental tangent was going on a little too long you focus back on Rarity
"Rainbow's playing around in Anon's bird bath," you say, placing your binoculars back into your saddle bag
>You honestly couldn't look at that... scene anymore
>...Bucking bird horses
>Rarity blinked before snorting in amusement
>"Oh? Is she now?" she said, a hoof coming up to cover up her mouth while she giggled. "Oh THAT is something I MUST see!"
>Rarity was about to paw at your bags but you gently pushed her away with a hoof
"No, we have to get Rainbow away from that house right now!"
>You must have sounded as panicked as you felt because your friend rolled her eyes
>"Oh come now, Twilight," she said with a wave of the hoof. "I'm sure that the stories of Anonymous finding Pegasi in his bird--"
>Rarity pauses mid sentence as a particular sound fills the air
>It was quiet, but you swear it almost sounded like... screaming
>Screaming that was getting louder and louder and--
>"Oh sweet Celestia! What is that?!"
>You gaze turns skyward, where a blue blur was zooming across the sky toward you and Rarity and Pinkie (who was STILL playing with the ball of her's)
>"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!"
>As the blur came closer you could JUST make out a rainbow trail behind it
"...Holy hay," you murmur, your ears pinning to the sides of your head. "I think that that's Rainbow..."
>Rarity looks up at the blur and then back at you
>"Rainbow? Why would she be--"
>From behind you you hear Pinkie giggle
>"Oooooh! It looks like we got a flying Dashie on our hooves!"
>With another giggle the party pony trots past you and Rarity and...
>Where the heck did she get a baseball mitt?
>Didn't they only play baseball in Labyrinthia?
>And why the hay is it so bucking big?
>...Bucking Pinkie...
>With a big smile on her face Pinkie (somehow) picks up the mitt and slips one of her hooves into it, getting up on her back legs with a little hop
>"It's all tied up here on the corner of Candy Lane and Hooves Street in the seventh inning! The bases are full and there's two outs and Pinkie Pie is in the outfield chewing her bubble gum and making dirt castles!"
>What...
>What the HECK is Pinkie talking about?!
>You and Rarity just sit down as Pinkie hits her mitt with a hoof
>Eyeballing Rainbow you do some quick math in your head
>...
>...
>...
>Yep
>Rainbow was definitely going to hit where Pinkie was standing
>And, while you really SHOULD use your magic to stop your friend's inevitable plunge to the cold, hard ground you decided to wait and see what would happen
>The craziness that was Pinkie had just left the train station
>And right now there were no brakes on this crazy ride that you found yourself in
"HAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPP MMMMMMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!"
>Pinki squats down and hits her mitt again
>"Ooh! It's a pop up! And it's coming toward Pinkie! All she needs to do is catch this and the Ponyville Party Ponies can go into overtime to win the game!"
>You can heard the sound of Rainbow cutting through the air as she flew toward you
>How the hay Anon was able to throw Rainbow this bucking HARD was something you'd have to ask about later
>Right now you had to sit back, not blink, and enjoy the ride
>TheRideNeverEnds.exe
>One second Rainbow might have been a hundred meters away from you
>The next second she was within twenty
>You could hear window rattling as Rainbow zoomed by them
>Carts and fruit stands were thrown around and upturned by her awe-inspiring speed
>You could see the disbelief and terror in her eyes when she saw the wall of leather that was waiting for her
>She opens her mouth to most likely scream something just as Pinkie giggles
>"And Pinkie races for the ball! Will she get it?!"
>Realizing that you and Rarity were in the line of fire as it were you quickly teleported both you and Rarity away from Pinkie so she wouldn't crash into either of you when Rainbow's force inevitably throws her backward and down the street like a rag doll
>But, knowing Pinkie, what was SUPPOSED to happen wasn't going to happen AT ALL
>"Thank you, darling."
"Don't mention it."
 
THUD!
 
>Rainbow lets out a grunt as she slams into Pinkie's mitt with enough force to shatter bone
>Though, once again, knowing Pinkie and her fuckery, your blue friend would be fine
>None of her organs would be ruptured
>No brain damage
>No broken bones
>Nothing
>Heck, Pinkie didn't even move an inch when Rainbow crashed into her mitt
>TfwSciencedoesn'thavealloftheanswers.jpg
>"Whooooo! Pinkie made the catch! PINKIE MADE THE CATCH!" Pinkie screams, lifting the giant mitt above her head while she made crowd cheering noises and did some silly little dance
>It looked like she was going to toss it onto the ground
>...Yeah
>No
>Frowning, you grab the mitt and levitate it over toward you and Rarity
"Rainbow? Are you alright?"
>You see Rainbow's leg twitch in the mitt
>"...Man, BUCK Anon..."
>Rarity cracks a smile
>"Well, it looks like SOMEPONY now knows not to play around in other's bird baths."
>You hear Rainbow growl from within in the mitt
>She shouldn't be able to growl
>Heck, like you said before, she shouldn't be BREATHING
>But buck it
>You're marking out
>Andtheeyesstarttoglaze.jpg
>"I swear to Celestia if he wasn't a colt I'd fly back there and smack him RIGHT in the bucking mouth!
>You use your magic to open up the mitt so a disheveled Rainbow could wiggle out of it
>Boy does she NOT look happy...
>Though, to be fair, you wouldn't be too happy either if somepony tossed you through the air like a hoofball
>Rainbow ruffles her feathers and looks down the street toward Anon's house, her face a mask of rage
>"You know what? Buck it! I don't care if he's a colt! I'm going to go back over there and give him such a--"
>Tsking, Rarity closes Rainbow's mouth with her magic
>"Rainbow! I'm ashamed of you!" she said, walking over and placing a hoof on the Pegasus's shoulder
>"I don't care WHAT Anon did to you! You know better than to lay your hooves on a colt!"
>Pinkie hops in between the two and does a little bounce in the air
>Yeah! And seeing how hard 'Nonny tossed ya Dashie I'm not so sure you'd be the one slapping somepony around!"
>Rainbow's frown deepened and it looked like she was about to say something when Pinkie darted forward, wrapping her up in a hug
>"I'm glad I caught ya, Dashie," Pinkie said, nuzzling her friend's cheek.
"I would have been real sad if you would have gotten hurt."
>The anger seemed to drain off Rainbow's face
>"...Yeah, yeah," she muttered, returning the hug. "I'm sure I would have been fine any way... but thanks for the save, Pinks."
>Both you and Rarity quietly aw at the little scene before Rarity trots away from you all and toward the human's abode
"Rarity," you call. "Where are you going?"
>Rarity looks over her shoulder at you and smirks
>"Well, seeing how thoroughly Rainbow failed--"
>"HEY!"
>"--Anon is certainly distressed. If we are to have any luck calming the poor colt down and get him out of that FILTHY hole in the ground somepony needs to go and sooth the savage beast as it were."
>The fashionista puffs her chest out and turns back toward Anon's house
>"And not to brag dears but I believe out of all of us I'm the most qualified in talking down fuming stallions."
>You open your mouth to protest but immediately close it
>Who the buck were you kidding?
"Well... good luck with that Rarity..."
>Though she doesn't turn back around you swear you can FEEL her smile
>"Thank you for the kind words, Twilight, but I shant be needing them. A lady does not need LUCK with a stallion."
 
BE ANON
>You're once again digging in your hole
>Though now you're in a bit of a better mood than you had been before your little snack break
>Tossing little horses through the air like footballs did that to a guy
>Not that you ENJOYED throwing them through the air like you did
>You actually DID like throwing them but whatever
>But someone had to learn these little pone's around hopping up on shit they weren't supposed to
>And besides, you've tossed like ten bird horses through the air like that and not a SINGLE one of them had gotten hurt!
>...Except Rain Cloud
>She ended up in the hospital...
>But FUCK her
>Breaking TWO of your fucking bird baths and laughing at you when you had demanded that she pay for them both
>She learned
>And so did Rainbow
>Hopefully
>Probably
>Maybe
>But if not you were more than happy to see if you could toss her ALL the way across town
>Stupid hyper light weight aerodynamic horses...
>Well you don't have to deal with anymore of THAT nonsense
>Today
>Now you could just dig your hole in peace without anyone and--
>"Oh ANNNNNOOOONNNN!"
>You pause mid shovel and sigh
>Why can't you just dig in without anyone bothering you?!
>Putting down your shovel you turn around and look up a smiling Rarararara, who was looking down at you from the edge of your hole
>"It's oh so lovely to see you! It's been ages darling!"
>You blink
"...I saw you yesterday..."
>She continued like she hadn't heard you
>"Anon, darling, why don't you get out of that horrid hole and let me take you out on the town!"
>"Anon, darling, why don't you get out of that horrid hole and let me take you out on the town!"
>She looked you up and down, biting her lip
>"You look SO stressed you, Darling! So angry! You need to take a breather and just RELAX!"
>Angry?
>Stressed?
>You didn't feel either of these right now
>Tired sure
>And more than a little bit bored
>But not angry or stressed or anything like that
>And you most certainly don't have time to be pissing around town
>You still had a fuckton of work to do
"I'd love to Rarity but I really need to get this hole dug for the septic tank that's coming."
>A septic tank that STILL hadn't fucking come in
>FUCKING. SEPTIC. TANK. PONE
>WHEN. WAS. THE. FUCKING. THINK. GONNA. COME IN?!
>Rarara lets out a ladylike snort, waving your remark away with a hoof
>"Come now, Darling! Life's too short to be doing such menial labor!"
>She looks like she wants to take a step toward you but then she remembers that you're in a dirt filled hole and you also happened to be covered in dirt and sweat
>Though she does her best to hide her distaste you can't help but smile when you see her muzzle scrunch up
>Aw
>Silly marshmallow pone
>Still smiling you pick your shovel back up and lean on it
"I'd love to go out with you and mess around, Rarity but we're going to have to go another day."
>If you worked out ass off today then there was a good chance you'd be able to finish digging this tank up and get the new one put in by tomorrow
>If the fucking then ever decides to fucking come in that is
>Then you'd be able to take the rest of week off and just be the lazy motherfucker you were
>Rarity bites her lip
>"What if I told you I knew a few mares that would be more than happy to dig up the hole for you, Anonymous?"
>....
>....
>....
>What the hell was she--
>Oh that motherfucker...
>You snort
>You didn't even need to think about the "few mares" that she was referring to
>It looked like appul hoers had ratted you out
>She never did like it when you did yard work by yourself
>For some fucking reason...
>You'd bet a bag of bits that dress horse (or Appul hoers more likely) had a group of mares around the corner RIGHT NOW
>Fucking super nice, helpful little pones...
"Oh? And who might these mares be?"
>"Why Twilight, Applejack, Pinkie, and I of course! Gentlemares such as ourselves saw that you were working your fingers to the bone and we simply couldn't let you work as such any longer!"
>You guffaw
"YOU'RE going to get down here and get dirty?"
>That was a load of bullshit with a capital B
>You can see her stumble a bit at that
>"Well... The other girls WILL," Rarara says with a light blush and a stomp of her off. "And I'd be more than happy to cheer them and manage everything so as to keep your yard as intact as possible!"
> 'Intact as possible'?
>THAT was a phrase that you didn't really care for
>Doing your best to clear off your dirty hand with your slightly less dirty shirt, you reach up and pat Rarity on the cheek
>As you expected she hopped backward with a look of terror on her eyes
>The silly little marshmallow clean freak
"I appreciate the offer, Rarity, but I'm still gonna have to say no."
>Wrenching the shovel out of the ground you once again start to dig
"I don't need you all running around my yard fucking shit up anymore than it already is thank you very much."
>And those four would do it to
>Not Rarity, since there was no way in hell that she'd pick up a shove
>But you KNEW Ponk and Twibright and Appul Kicker
>Even though they usually didn't mean it they were some pretty fucking destructive ponies
>Like REALLY destructive
>"...Are you sure darling? We'd all be more than happy to help. I for one cannot bare to see you digging out here by yourself with nopony helping--eep!"
>You can't help but smile as you throw another shovel full of dirt over your shoulder, damn near hitting Rarararara
>None too surprisingly, Rarity combat rolls away from the thrown dirt almost faster than you could see
"I'll be seeing you later, Rarity," you tell the huffing and puffing little horse behind you. "I gotta load more work to do and daylight's a'burning."
 
BE TWBRIGHTO SPENIO
>You can't help but grip your binoculars tightly as you watch the scene between Rarity and Anon unfold
>They're talking...
>And talking...
>And Anon...
>Tossed dirt at Rarity...
>And Rarity looks really mad about it and...
>Huh...
>It looked like Rarity couldn't talk Anon out of his hole
>RARITY
>The mare that made stallions swoon just by walking by!
>Horse feathers!
>And she was supposed to be the last solution if what you had planned didn't work out!
>But all of that got tossed right out of the window after the second part of the BUCKING PLAN!
>All Because Rainbow HAD to jump up on that bucking bird bath and play around like it was her personal swimming pool!
>And now that Rarity just WALKED over there now your plan was ruinedandnowAnonwouldnevergoonadatewithyouandhe'ddiefromdoingallofthisworkandtheprincessandyourmomwouldbeDISAPPOINTEDINYOUWHENTHEYWOULDYOUTHATYOU--
>Oh sweet Luna were you hyperventilating?!
>Are you seeing red?!
>WHY THE HECK DOES IT FEEL LIKE EVERYTHING'S CLOSING IN ON YOU!
>WHY DOES IT FEEL LIKE THE SKY'S GETTING CLOSER?!
>IT FEELS LIKE SOMETHING CRAWLING ALL OVER YOU!
>YOUCAN'THAVEANIGHTMAREIFYOUNEVERBREAM.can'twakeup!
>Calm down Twilight!
>CALM THE BUCK DOWN!
>You have to force yourself to sit down and close your eyes
>Just do your breathing exercises that Cadence taught you
>Breathe in
>And out
>In
>And out
"Whooooooo...."
>Taking a few deep breaths you use your wings to rub the sides of your head, the feathery appendages doing their best to relieve your growing headache
>...Alright
>Even though your plan went tits up you can still fix this
>The fat stallion hasn't sung yet
>All you needed to do is go over there, get Anon's attention, and hit him with some science
>Colts LOVED science
>...You think
>The second that Anon saw that you and the girls, and the whole town's mare population on general, respected the SHIT out of him (courtesy of the charts that you've taken the liberty of drawing up) he'd calm right down and you all would be able to dig up that septic tank for him without any more fuss
>With a new plan made you can't help but feel a little better as you wait for Rarity
>The fashionista comes into view a minute or two later, her face scrunched up in irritation and anger
>"The NERVE of that stallion! I offer our services to help the poor dear out and he throws dirt at me! DIRT! Never in all of my years have I seen a stallion do--"
>Your eyes can't help but glaze over
>Oh holy horseshoes
>Here we go
>Rarity is on another one of her rants that'll probably take an hour or three as she whines and complains about everything and nothing
>The mare might be one of your very best friends but whole SHIT was she a tom colt sometimes...
>...Alright
>More than sometimes
>But that was what you loved about her
>...No homo
>While you would have LOVED to just sit there and listen to her rant for an undetermined amount of time (insert sarcasm here) you had work to do
"Oh really? Huh. Naha! Get out!"
>Seeing that she had somepony listening to her (though you weren't REALLY listening of course) Rarity sinks further into her little whine fest
>Which allowed you to walk over to her, place a hoof on her shoulder, and gently guide her over to where Pinkie and Rainbow were sitting
"Yep. Yep. No! You didn't deserve that AT ALL!"
>You weren't even sure what you were saying was appropriate to the conversation
>But Rarity seemed to appreciate it all the same
>"--It wasn't like I was saying anything that would cause him to act in such a manner! I swear that--"
>...Alright
>Enough of that
>Back to ignoring and nodding
>It was better for everypony involved
>Both Pinkie and Rainbow stop whatever they were doing when they see the two of you walking over to them
>Trying to look as casual as possible you nudge your head toward Rarity before waving your hoof around your head and making a face
>The two of them look at each other before nodding
>In a flash Pinkie was gone, only to reappear a second later with two mannequins
>Since Rarity was so wrapped up in her bitching she wouldn't even notice that she was talking to two inanimate objects until she had calmed down enough
>That meant Pinkie could do... whatever she was going to do to help with this whole mess >You hadn't even bothered to tell Pinkie all of the plan since you knew that she was just going to go about it in her own impossible way
>And Rainbow could be your backup incase Anon wasn't too keen on seeing anypony else today
>You had JUST watched him toss Rainbow through the air like it was nothing
>YOU had no desire to share a similar fate
>Flying over to the two of you Rainbow grabbed Rarity
"Do whatever you're gonna do with that colt, Twi," she murmured into your ear. "If anypony here can knock some sense into him it's you."
"--I try to be the perfect gentlemare, Darlings! But sometimes it's so hard and--"
>Ugh
>Sweet Celestia flaming teats Rarity...
>Shaking your head your head you do a quick check to see if you had everything you needed for this little lecture of yours
>Did you have the portable chart board?
>Yep
>Did you have your charts and notes and pictures?
>They were in your right saddle bag
>Did you have paper and quills in case Anon wanted to take notes during the presentation?
>...
>...
>...
>Did REALLY bring extra paper for Anon?...
>God were you a nerd...
>A cute nerd but still
>Nottobragoranything.jpn
>The walk to Anon's house is a short one
>Two minutes and forty-three point two-three-four to be precise
>You can see Anon still digging his hole
>All dirty and sweaty and...
>Hey now!
>None of that!
>You needed to focus!
"Um, Anon?" you say quietly
>No Twilight!
>You needed to be more forceful than that!
>A stallion ALWAYS reacts more positively toward a commanding mare than a submissive one!
"YO ANON!"
>...
>...
>...
>Whatthebuckiswrongwithyou?!?!?!?!?
>Yo Anon?
>YO ANON?
>Why would you say something so stupid?
>Why didn't your brain stop your bucking mouth?!
>Why were you so bucking AWKWARD around stallions?!
>Ihaveascendedtosauceboss.autism
>Thesaucerises.jpg
>You can't help but cringe awkwardly, taking a few nervous steps back
>You're wings flair from your sides, and you had the sudden but overwhelming urge to fly away, never to be seen again, but you force yourself to stay put
>You had already bucked up now
>May as well try to go through to your plan and hope that it doesn't bite you in the flank
>...It was going to blow up on your face but you had to at least try
>For Anon
>Said human sighs, putting his shovel down and turning around
>"Now who the hell wants to--"
>He stops when he sees you, his eyes narrowing slightly
>"Twilight?"
>You find yourself sweating under his gaze
>Sweet Luna you better not be blushing!
"O-Oh, Hello, A-Anon!" you say, mentally cringing at your stutter
>Anon looks you up and down
>"When the hell did you start saying yo?"
>Your wings twitch and your whole body seems to stiffen
>You could hear the pounding of your heart on your ears as you shuffled in place
>You were desperately trying to keep your head above your own sauce
>But the noodles were trying to drag you down
>Everything you had wanted to say to Anonymous seemed to vanish so now you were racking your brain trying to figure out what to say and how to respond to him in a way that wouldn't make you look like a dork
>Your hooves were sweaty
>Your knees were weak
>Your wings were heavy
>Something, something, Dad's spaghetti
>Youhadtobuckingsaysomething!
>Youcouldn'tjustkeepstandingtherelikeaputz!
>Saysomethingdamnit!
"Y-You too..."
 
BE ANON
>...
>...
>...
>Alright then
>You just look at Twilight, who's turning so red and looks so embarrassed that you kinda want to get out of this hole and give her a hug
>So you do
>With a grunt you crawl out of your hole and walk over toward the adorkable, awkward little horse
>She takes a few steps backward and looks over her shoulder with the obvious intent to run but you're too quick
"Oh quit being silly and get over here."
>Twilight squeaks as you pick her up and give her a squeeze
>Her back hooves kick around a bit and she mads some panicked horse noises but soon she's returning the hug, her little hoofsies trying their hardest to wrap around your frame
>"...Anon?"
"Yeah Twi?"
>"You're really dirty."
>You can't help but laugh, patting the silly little horse on the back
"Well, digging for like eight hours straight does that to a guy."
>The two of you hold your hug for a little longer, you rocking Twilight back and forth and Twilight nuzzling your shoulder, until you set the little horse down
>Looking down at her you see that she looks a little bit better, though she's still as red as all hell
"You feel better?"
>Twilight looks away from you, kicking at the dirt
>"...Yeah... Thanks Anon..."
>Chuckling, you cross your arms
"Alright, so did you need something or were you just gonna shout yo and be one you merry way?"
>Twilight blushes even harder at the little jab but she manages to look back up at you
>"A-Actually I wanted to talk to you about something."
>She patted her saddle bags
>"I t-think you'll find it interesting!"
>Humming thoughtfully you look back at your hole
>Well...
>You COULD go for something to eat
>That sandwich might have hit the spot twenty minutes ago but that was twenty minutes ago
>Now you were getting kinda peckish again
>As long as we get something to eat first I'd be more than happy to hear you out."
 
BE ANON
>You know, there weren't as many diners, restaurants, fast food places, or what have you's in Ponyville as you'd like
>Sure, the little town didn't have more than a thousand little horses living in it
>But there wasn't even a fucking pizza place here!
>All there was was Sugarcube Corner, Laffy's Taffy Emporium (which was actually a pretty good mom and pop diner despite what the name would have you believe) and Hay's Burger Place
>Three places to eat
>THREE!
>And Sugarcube Corner was a place that pretty much sold baked goods; so unless you had one hell of a sweet tooth that place would get pretty fucking old REAL fast
>The other two places were hardly any better
>You couldn't eat most of the things on the Hay's Burger Place menu (what with most of it being hay based) and Laffy's Taffy Emporium was so god damned small that it was only once in a blue moon that there would be an open seat in the whole place!
>If you had the slightest inkling of how to business you'd have opened up Anon's Pizza and Strip club Hideaway
>Where one could get a large cheese peetzer and a pair of LX ta-tas waved in one's face if one so desired
>...Or whatever the pony equivalent of boobes were...
>Whatever
>But that dream had died when you had asked the Mayor how much it would cost to get a building permit
>...Fucking atrocious permit cost
>Taking your right to be your own boss and making a fuck load of money being a sleazy business man away from you...
>You can't help but grumble at the thought as you sipped on your cola and stuck another handful of french fries into your mouth
>Though you couldn't eat MOST of the shit at Hay's Burgers they still had potato fries on the menu
>And even though they didn't call them french fries, and even though they cut the fries into this weird lightning bolt shape you could still eat them
>So you did
>As you listened Twilot go on and on and on about... something
>You HAD known what that something was in the beginning, after Twilight had finished her FIVE burgers and set up a little stand and started putting charts and shit on the thing
>But then the little purple pone princess started to get a bit excited
>And when she gets excited she starts to use big words
>Like the kind of words that one only knew if they were looking to get their doctorate in something science-y or medical-y
>And since you only had a high school degree under your belt (East High 4 life) all you could do was sit there, eat your fries and drink your pop, and just TRY to understand the words that were coming out of Twilight's mouth
>You knew for a fact that at first she was talking about friendship and ponies caring about you and some such shit then she just went off
>"--So you see, if you look at this equation here under Nightingales' Polynema behavioral Diorama--"
>Doyouspeakenglishmotherfucker.wat
>One of the burger joint's many patrons leans toward you
>"Is that filly speaking Prench or something?"
>You shrug
"Probably."
>You look over at the other little horses that also happened to be listening to Twilight's little presentation
>Just like you every horselet in attendance was looking at Twibright with a mixture of confusion and awe
>They had no idea what the hell she was fucking saying
>And you'd bet the deed to your house that they didn't know what any of the charts or notes Twilight had given you all (apparently she had extra) said or meant
>But they were sure what she was saying was important in a friendship, life lesson-y sort of way
>And since this was most likely about friendship these little ponies, since they were ALL about friendship, had decided that they were going to sit here and listen to this so they could be better friends in the long run
>...Or at least that's what the mare next to you had said when you had asked her why the hell she was still listening to this
>You weren't sure if she was just fucking with you or what but...
>Ugh
>Man was this shit boring!
>You figured that Twilight was going to talk your ear off but you hadn't expected that it'd go THIS far!
>You had been sitting here for two and a half hours for Christ's sake!
>TWO AND A HALF HOURS!!!
>You enjoyed a little get together with your buddies as much as the next guy but this was going a bit too far for your liking!
>You had come here for a talk not a fucking lecture!
>Twilight saw you digging that hole of yours
>She should have known that you wanted to get back to it at some point!
>You don't blame her for her thoroughness or her dedication to... whatever she was talking about
>But you had work to do!
>And you kind of NEEDED to get back to that work
>Sometime today!
>You resist the urge to yawn as you take another sip of your pop
>The little mare next to you (one of the flower sister's you think) takes notice of your boredom and nudges you with a hoof
>"Anon? Are you alright there buddy?"
>"--And if you turn to page twenty-seven to look at graph D2 you can see that--"
"How do you think I'm doing?"
>The flower sister looks at Twilight then back at you, her widdle nose scrunching up
>"AW, come on, it's not that... bad."
>You just give her a look while you eat some more of your now cold fries
>The little mare's ears pin against the back of her head
>"Well... you know how the princess gets! Holy hay, I barely know the princess and I know how she gets!"
>She nudges you again
>"AND she's the Princess of Friend! So you should be honored that she cares enough about you to talk to you about it!... Even though nopony here knows what the buck she's saying!"
>You look at the little horse for a long moment before nodding slowly
>...You know what?
>This fun sized mystery horse was right
>It WAS nice that Twinought had taken time out of her busy schedule to come to your house and take you to an eatery and pay for your food (which you thought was awfully sweet) and talk to you about friends and love and caring and sharing and all of that biz
>No matter what people thought about Twilight she was a good friend
>One of the better ones that you've ever had
>Someone that you could go to and you knew she'd do her very best to listen to you or help you out
"You know what? You're right random mare!"
>Flower pone blinks
>"...It's Daisy Anon..."
>You slap her on the back just a bit too hard and nearly knock her out of her seat
"Of course you are!"
>Looking at Twilight to make sure her back's still to you you get up out of your seat
"Hey Daisy, do you want to do me a favor? While I do care that Twilight's trying to explain something to me... whatever the fuck it is I have to get back home and get some work done."
>The flower pone now known as Daisy just looks up at you
>"What? Are you talking about that hole you've been digging by yourself for the last couple of days?
>You nod
"Yeah, listen, when Twilight realizes I'm gone just tell her that I'm back at my house digging out that hole alright?"
>Flower pone's face scrunches up
>"So you're just going to leave when I just told you that you should care that your friend went through the trouble to set all of this, "she waves at the charts and the notes and shit, "for you?"
>All around you ponies are glaring at you
>It looked like a guy couldn't have a private conversation...
>Neb-nose little horses...
>You frown
>Hey now...
>If you phrase it like that you kinda sound like a piece of shit
>...Which was, in retrospect, was kinda true...
>But still...
"Hey! Don't you give me that look!"
>You boop her nose
"I gotta get that hole dug before my tank comes in! All of this friendship and care is nice and all but that's not gonna get finished by itself!"
>Daisy just looks at you, crossing her widdle hoofsies
>Pone's mad
>And she's silently judging you
>Judging you all over...
>You can't help but quietly groan
"Alright, alright... if you tell Twilight then I'll go down to your flower shop and I'll buy a fuckton of roses from you."
>The little mare's face softens somewhat
>"...I'll tell her if you buy the tulips. ALL of them. My sister's and I've been trying to sell--"
"Fine, fine! I'll buy your flowers!"
>"And you need to come and have lunch with me something!"
"Lunch? What for?"
>The little pone pokes you again
>"Because SOMEPONY needs to get out more and socialize with the ponies around him!"
>She crossed her hooves again
>"I mean come on! I live two doors down from you and you didn't even know my NAME!"
>Hey now!
>It's not your fault that all of these little horses look the same!
>...And yes
>You realize that sounds racist
>Butfuckittho.OGboy
>And when in the hell did the flower sister turn into such starch advocates of friendship?
>Weren't they supposed to be the town cowards?
>You just look at her for a little longer before nodding slowly
"...Fine, if you want to get all chummy with me then I'll go with you on this little lunch date."
>Daisy brightens considerably at your news
>"GREAT!"
>She waves toward the exit
>"Go and dig your hole then, you big stallion you!"
>Scrunching your nose up at the odd phrasing you look at Twilight one last time you quickly make your way out of the Burger Place
>Not because you were a bad friend
>But because you had a man on a mission
>...And you might have been sick of listening to shit you didn't understand...
>...Alright
>You WERE kind of a bad friend...
>But you'd fix that
>You Pinkie Promise!
>As soon as you finished digging out that hole of yours you'd take Twigly out and do friendship related things with her to make it up for leaving out of the blue like this
>AND you'll give her all of those flowers you just got conned into buying
>'Cause bitches LOVED flowers
>Especially horse ones
BE TWIBURGH STEERKLE
"--And that, Anonymous, is why you should let the girls and I help you dig out your septic tank!"
>You can't help but smile as you finish the final part of your presentation
>Though it was a little short and rushed you figured the message would help carry it through
>And the notes you'd given everypony probably helped too
>You take a deep breath as you retract the pointer that you had been using since part seven of your little powerpoint
>Sweet Celestia you hoped you didn't bore Anon...
>You might not have been a gentlecolt's mare even you knew most stallion's didn't care about science as much as you did
>BUT you HAD done your best to make what you had been saying as interesting as possible!
>So hopefully that helped and--
>"Whoo! Yeah princess! Great job!"
>Your can't help but gasp in shock when you hear the other ponies in the eating joint start to clap
>"That was... something!"
>"Yeah! I almost understood some of it!"
>"You... You made some great graphs your majesty!"
>Wait
>Ponies were clapping?
>...
>...
>...
>Ohmygosh!
>Was your powerpoint so good that you actually had normal, non science-minded ponies clapping to it?!
>Ha!
>Though it wasn't entirely professional, you couldn't help but hop into the air with glee
>You knew that your presentation would be riveting!
>Awe-inspiring even!
>Buck yeah!
>Who's the princess!
>You were! Yes you were!
>And this princess was going to be helping dig out her friend's hole within the hour
>Which would hopefully end with you asking him out on a date and him saying yes
>A girl can hope right?
>But enough about the future!
>Right now you wanted to bask in the present!
>You could see Anon's smiling and touched face now!
"Thank you, thank you everypony," you say modestly, turning around to see the bright-eyed and smiling faces of your adoring public. "But there's no need to--"
>Your eyes scan the room, and you see a group of ponies all clapping and cheering you on...
>But no Anon...
>Your smile lessens just a hair as you continue to look around for him
>Where did your human go?
>Was he in the little colt's room?
>You HAD been speaking for a while now and if you learned anything about stallions from you BBBFF you knew that stallions had bladders similar to an infant's
>Or maybe 'Nonny had gotten hungry again had gone to the register to order some more food?
>He might not have been able to eat much here (you had offered to take him somewhere else but he HAD said that eating here would be fine) but he seemed to enjoy the fries...
>As your adoring fans continue to clap and shout your name to the heavens a particular mare, one of the flower sisters, gets up from her chair and walks over to you
>"Princess? You wouldn't happen to be looking for Anon would you?"
>Your smile turns slightly embarrassed
>Was it really that obvious?
"Well... Yeah actually," you admit, rubbing your elbow with a hoof. "You didn't see where he ran off to by chance did you Daisy?"
>Though you bet he was going to walk right back in the dining area any minute now and demand that you re-say the whole last bit because--
>"Actually, he left a couple of minutes ago."
>...
>...
>...
>...What?
"What?"
>Daisy must not have heard the concern in your voice, a smile still glued to her face as she looked you up and down
>"Yeah, he told me to tell you that even though your speech was wonderful and great and stuff he had to get back home and work on that hole of his."
>Daisy puffed her chest out just a little bit while your wings drooped to the ground
>He had just left?
>Even after you had poured your heart out to him and these ponies up here on the stage that was Hay's Burger Place?
>...Why?
>Did you say something you shouldn't have?
>Was your speech a little too sexist?
>Did you dump too much science on Anon's lap at once?
>Your mind races while Daisy continues to speak
>Of sweet Celestia
>You MUST have put too much science in your presentation!
>Poor Anon must have run home with a nasty migraine from all of your big words and gotten confused about what he was saying!!
>...Or
>Or maybe there was another reason that he left...
>With dread making itself known in the pit of your stomach you look back at Daisy
"Daisy!" you practically yell, interrupting her. "Did Anon seem off to you when he left? Was there an odd look on his face or was he moving in an odd way or anything like that?"
>Daisy blinked before growing thoughtful
>"...I don't think so," she said after a minute. "He just kind of asked me to tell you where he had went and that was that."
>The mare's nose scrunched up
>"Well... actually..."
>You have to resist the urge to grab the mare by her shoulders and shake the information out of her
"Please, Daisy, there might be something wrong with Anonymous," you plea
>"When he left I kinda called him out on being a bit of a jerk leaving while you were doing your presentation..."
>Really?
>Aw
>That's really nice of her
>Putting hoes before bros...
>"And he got a bit defensive saying that he REALLY needed to get that hole of his dug."
>Daisy plops down onto her flank and crosses her hooves
>"He actually seemed like he really, really wanted to get back to it, which is weird considering how much normal stallions hate manual labor..."
>You listen to Daisy carefully, going over what she said again and again, trying to see how they fit in with all of this...
>Why would Anon tell Applejack that he didn't need your help?
>Why would he get mildly aggressive when Rarity told him that she had a group of mares at the ready to help him out?
>Why, after listening to your speech on why it's not sexist for a mare to help out a stallion, and why one should help a friend no matter their race or gender or beliefs, did he just up a leave?
>And if what Daisy told you was true, why the hay did he wait until near the end of the speech to get up and leave the building?
>If he really wanted to leave and finish up with that hole of his he could have just left in the beginning of your speech...
>...
>...
>...
>...Unless he WANTED to listen to it and something you said at the end that him away...
>...
>...
>...
>Oh sweet Cider!
>"Um... Princess? Are you alright there?" Daisy asked.
>You found yourself shaking your head
"No... no Daisy, I'm not alright," he say, the fur on the back of your neck standing on end
>The last thing you had been talking about in your speech was about friendship
>What friendship meant, why it was important, and how it help fulfill and enrich a pony's life
>You yourself had said how lonely Anon seemed to be most of the time
>How he would rather work or stay in his house than be out and about making friends
>Well...
>What if it was worse than you thought?
>What if all of the self-inflicted solitude was a cry for help?
>Maybe human's had to go the extra mile for their friends
>And when he saw none of you going that far for him Anon just shut himself off from the world?
>He WANTED to go out and make some guy friends
>He WANTED to start dating and maybe start or join a herd
>Heck, you bet your castle of doom that he WANTED somepony to help him dig that hole!
>But he just didn't know how to ask any of you or show you that he cared in a way that you'd understand
>And in his frustration he's unreasonable and believes that everypony is out to get him!
>THAT'S why he left at the end of you speech!
>He heard about all of the friends that most ponies had and how great it was, and, realizing (or thinking) that he didn't have any of that and that he was alone, he left because he was upset
>And that was why he wouldn't let any of you help digging the hole!
>He didn't think you were his friends
>...
>Hedidn'tthinkyouwerehisfriends!
>Now in full panic mode, you grab Daisy and pull her close
"Daisy! I need you to do me a favor!"
>"...Alright, but could you ease up on the--"
"There's no time for any of that! I need you to find your sisters, then the three of you can go and..."
 
BE ANON
>Walking through town whistling a little tune to yourself
>With your belly full of greasy fast food and your body slightly rested you were ready to dive back into digging that damned hole out!
>Like a baws!
>...Now you just needed to get there without tripping over some little horse
>Even though it was getting a little later in the day it looked like half of the town is out in full force at the marketplace
>And a full market meant crowded streets
>And crowded streets meant that what was supposed to be a brisk walk to your house had turned into a crawl
>Not that you were upset or anything
>You couldn't be mad at the pones for being up and about
>They were just doing what little horses does
>Feeling a little more social than usual you find yourself idly chatting with a little horse here and there while you walk
>But then you hear it
>That giddy, bubble sound that meant sanity was about to leave the building
>"'Nonny!"
>You watch as Pinkie Pie pops out of a flower pot the size of a shoe box, hops up onto a apple stand (which scared the HELL out of poor big Mac) then jumps off of it and high into the air before landing right in front of you
>"Hi 'Nonny!" Pinkie said with a bright smile and a cheery little bounce
>You make it a point to look up at the market full of ponies, all of whom had just witnessed what the hell had just happened
>And, like fucking always, not a single one of them batting an eyelash
>...Fucking Pinkie Pie
"...Hi Ponk," you say, not breaking your stride
>With that impossible smile still on her face, Pinkie hops along beside you
>The two of you walk along a bit before you decide to break the silence
>Though you were sure Pinkie was just popping out of shit to say hello just for giggles she MIGHT have something important to tell you
>You weren't hold your breath tho
"So... did you need something, Pinkeno? Or were you just trying to give me a heart attack back there?"
>Pinkie giggles
>"Oh you're such a silly, 'Nonny! If I wanted to give you a heart attack I'd have brought my death stare mask!"
"...Wha--"
> "Nonners! I have to ask you something super duper important!"
>You just look at the little pink horse with a small frown before motioning for her to continue
>She just keeps on hopping along with that big ol' smile of hers
> "Well, I was with Twilight and the other girls and we all heard that you didn't want any help with digging that big hole in your front yard so we tried to think of something to--"
>Oh god
>Here we go...
>You find yourself slowing down as Pinkie talks faster and faster and faster, until it didn't even sound like she was speaking words
>Sighing, you reach over and close her mouth with a hand
>This, of course, does not stop Pinkie from continuing to hop right next to you
>Nor does it imped you in anyway
>...Fucking logic-breaking Ponk...
"I need you to slow down and use english, Pinkie. Please."
>Pinkie giggles once again the second you
>"You mean Equish, Silly."
"I know what I said."
>Pinkie snorts in amusement before her face turns serious and she hops right in front of you
>Stopping you watch as the little mare looks at you in determination
>" 'Nonny, will you let me suck your dick?"
>...
>...
>...
>U fukin wot m80?
>Your eye twitches as a stallion not three away from you gasps in shock
>You could FEEL every single pony in the market turning and staring at the two of you
>You could have heard a fucking pin drop at the moment as every single little horse here digested what Pank just said
>And all Pinkie did was look up at you with her smile
>You awkwardly clear your throat
"Any particular reason why, Pinkie?" you ask as calmly as you can manage.
"This seems a little... out of the blue."
>Sure you could have just told her no and left the market as fast as your legs could take you
>But you were not the kind of guy that was bothered or embarrassed very easily
>Hell, back on Earth you had been arrested five times for extreme nudity
>...You can still see those girl scouts faces...
>That and you dad always taught you to NEVER refuse oral from any women, no matter what
>A belief that got him in a hell of a lot of trouble with your mother when she found your old man throat fucking her ninety year old grandmother sure
>But you had to, at the very least, admire dad's commitment to his principles
>His really, really fucked up principles...
>...Sweet Jesus was your childhood fucked up...
>Like unusually fucked up...
>Long-buried childhood trauma aside you may as well see what the fuck she was on about
>The pink part planner does this weird happy little wiggle
>"Well, I thought that since you wouldn't let anypony help you dig your hole you were grumpy or something, and usually when a stallion's that grumpy they're all pent up because they haven't put any baby batter in an oven or a gobbler."
>Ponk poked your stomach as another stallion near you up and passed right out
>The pussy
"So I thought if I gobbled up your lollipop you'd feel better and let us help you with your yard work, silly filly!"
>You stare down at Ponk for a moment, trying your very best to process what she said
"...Alright... so you want to blow me because you think I'm so mad about everything and anything?"
>"Yep!"
"And you think after I give you some of my fifty herbs and spices I'll feel better and let you and your little friends help me with digging up my septic tank?"
>"Aha!"
>Pinkie pokes you again
>"We're all worried about you, 'Nonny, and we want to show you that we all really care!"
>The crowd of ponies behind you aw's as your eye twitches
"...You want to show me you care... with your mouth?"
>Ponk nods
>"Yep, with my mouth!"
>That...
>That's...
>...Kind sweet actually...
>In a weird, eighties porno shoot kind of way
>But still
"Well, Pinkie that's real... nice of you, and I really appreciate that you'd be willing to go so far to show me that you care."
>You reach over and give her head a little pat
"But I'm good."
>Pinkie frowns
>"But!--"
"I'm not mad at the world or grouchy or grumpy or any shit like that."
>Pinkie cocks her head at you
>"Really?"
"Really, really."
>You give her another pat on the head
"Thanks for offering but I'd rather just go home and finish digging up my tank if you don't mind, Pinks. So if that's all you want I gotta be getting home now..."
>You hear a little horse from the crowd snort
>"Heh... What a scaredy colt..."
>You frown
>Oh
>Someone's talking shit eh?
>SmackyainthegabberIwill.jpn
>Your reaction was almost instantaneous
"Whoever said that I'm going to find where you live and fuck your mother while your dad watches! Then I'm gonna buttfuck HIM!"
>You try to scan the crowd for the shittalker but suddenedly every single little horse in attendance finds the ground to be the most interesting thing in the world
>...Huh...
>Some of them looked a little shook up
>But you had to harden your heart
>You had to be a bit tough on these little horses every once in a while
>If you didn't put your foot down they'd go ahead and walk all over--
>"U-Unf... C-Could you describe what you'd do to my parents? Or m-maybe what would y-you' make them wear?"
>...
>...
>...
>Nope
>Nada
>Noperino
>Not even going to go there
>Fucking weird, weird fetishizing ponies...
>Snorting, you give Ponk's head one more pat before turning to leave
>Huh
>You were a heck of a lot calmer and more mature than you thought you'd be for this...
>Your dad might be spinning in his grave that you just turned down a mouth hug and you might have just threatened someone in front of a bunch of witnesses (...you think?) but so what?
>You had shit to do and you didn't have that much time to--
>"...Er, about that 'Nonny... You might actually have not be happy with me and Applejack then..."
>You look down at Pinkie Pie and cock and eyebrow
>Applejack?
>Why would you be mad at appul bucker?
>She's not even here right now...
"What are you--"
>You stop, eyes narrowing
"Wait! Is fucking Applejack digging up my hole?!"
>Pinkie opened her mouth to answer but you were already sprinting down the street as fast as your legs could take you
>That little orange fuzball!
>She had NO right to be in your front yard
>Rummaging through your dirt
>Playing with your shovel and pickaxe
>That was YOUR hole to dig
>Yours!
 
>You race back to your house with the speed of a thousand Kenyans
>Ponies have to throw themselves out of the way to keep from getting run over
>And you might have actually ran a pone or three over
>But fuck that!
>Appul hoers was touching your stuff!
>And that's a bad pone
>A bad, bad pone!
>And all bad pones get sent to the no-no corner for half an hour!
>80%angry!
>"'Nonny wait!"
>Out of the corner of your eye you see Pinkie running, or hopping in her case, right beside you
"WHAT?!"
>"See? And you said you weren't grumpy! Now how about you stop and let aunt Pinkie--"
>You skid around and corner and growl when you see your house
>Sure enough you can make out a shovel head from here
"OI! GET THE FUCK OUT MY MUH HOLE!!!"
>With your prize in sight you find an extra burst of speed, which causes you to break away from Ponk
>Oh Applejack done fucked up today!
>You were gonna boop her SO HARD!
>Then, after that, you were going to tickle her until she cried
>Twice!
>And maybe hit her with a rolled up newspaper to finish it all up
>Yeah you're a monster
>What the FUCK are you gonna do about it?!
>As you draw nearer you see Applejack poke her little horse head out of the hole to look at you
>It doesn't look like she had that big of a pile of dirt next to her
>Which means that she must have just started digging
>Good, that meant you actually had something to dig
"Applejack!" you yell. "Get out of there! Bad! BAD!"
>With a mighty roar you take a few steps before launching yourself into the air
>The wind whipped at your face, your clothes rustled, and your stomach turned as you flew the rest of the from the entrance of your house (which was like two feet), through the air, and into the hole (which, all in all, might have been a bit more than five feet but who's counting?)
>Applejack yelps in surprise as you fly overhead and land a foot next to her
>...Shit!
>You nearly rolled your fucking ankle...
>Glaring down at the little orange horse before you you try to discreetly roll your ankle around, trying your very hardest not to wince in pain
>7/10 landing
>Any landing you survive is a good landing but would prefer a smoother one next time
>Apple tries to open her mouth to say something but you grab her by the scruff of her next and left her bodily into the air
"What. Did. I. Say. About, Wanting. Help?"
>She glares right back at you while adjusting the hat on her head
>"I'ah heard what ya said yesterday but I'ah ain't havin' any of it," she says, poking your chest. "Ya'll ain't diggin' this here hole of yers without mah help anymore!"
"I already told you I appreciate the offer but--"
>Applz just scoffs
>"But nothin'!"
>She poked you again
>"I'ah don't care if yer bein' ornery or if yer just thick in the head! Yer a stallion an' this ain't stallion work, at least not by yerself. So shut yer trap an' let me help ya finish digging up this here hole!"
>Your chest receives another poke
>"Now why don't ya be a good colt an'--
>Your eyes narrow dangerously
>This little horse comes onto your property, uses your equipment without asking, and tells you that she's digging out your hole just because
>And she poked you
>More than once
>In the motherfucking chest!
>Oh...
>You done fucked up now little horse
>You bring her so close that you noses were touching, your lips drawing back into a snarl
"Applejack," you growl. "If you don't--"
>She pokes your chest again and you eye twitches
>...This pone is about to get a fucking smack down...
>If she pokes you ONE MORE FUCKING TIME!
"--don't get out of my hole and off my property in the next five seconds I'm going to TOSS you through the air as hard as I can."
>Apple pone leans in for another poke but stops when she sees the look on your face
>"Why don't ya want anypony else helpin' ya ya ornery varmin?" she demanded, her eyes narrowing down to slits
>Your frown grows
"Because it's my hole and I took a fucking week off to dig it! I don't want any of you coming around here trashing up my yard anymore than it needs to be."
>You lift Applejack a bit higher before booping her like like she's never been booped before
"AND I'll get more done by myself than if I had a shitload of you crawling around everywhere getting into my shit."
>Shaking your head you toss her out of the hole and pick your shovel back up
>Looking up you see Applejack glaring down at you with her widdle nose scrunched up in irritation as she quietly huffed and puffed to herself
>Little pone mad
>Though you couldn't find a fuck to give at the moment
>You had dealt with enough fuckery today
>Work NEEDED to get down
>For christ's sake
>Waving her away you make a show of starting to dig
"Now if you excuse me I have work that I need to--"
>Applejack tries to hop back into the hole but you're too fast for her, snatching her out of thin air and holding her against your chest
>"Let go of me an' let me help ya, Celestia damnit!" she yells, squirming in your grasp
>Keeping a tight grip on the little cow pone you get out of the hole
"Fuck off Applejack."
>"Yer bein' difficult fer no good reason!"
"Fuck off Applejack."
>"Yer goin' ta get yerself hurt if ya keep on workin' like this gosh darnit!"
>"Fuck off Applejack."
>You grip her tightly as she struggles as hard as her little horse body will let her
>"STOP TELLIN' ME TA BUCK OFF!!!"
>Making your way to the end of your front yard you drop Applejack in a heap on the other side of your fence
>She hits the ground with a grunt, her hat falling off of her hat and gently floating down and onto to her rump
>You might have laughed if you weren't so jacked right now
>...But...
>Eh what the hell
>Kek...
"I didn't tell you to buck off," you say, grabbing her hat, dusting it off, and leaning over your fence to put it back on her head. "I told you to FUCK off."
>Emerald eyes glare up at you as you look down at her with the tired determination that came when a man had to deal with horse bullshit for far too long
"So if you'd kindly FUCK OFF and let me go back to my digging then I'd greatly appreciate it."
>Not taking her eyes off of you Apple bottom climbs to her hooves
>"This ain't over, Anon, ya here!"
>Still glaring at you she slowly begins to trot away
>"THIS AIN'T OVER!"
>You watch as she leaves, more than ready to grab her, boop her, and toss her right back over if she tried anything funny
>You had your hands in booping position and everything
>But thankfully she just leaves, leaving you mildly upset and irritated and drained
"Fucking horses," you mutter making your way back to your hole.
>Hopping back into said hole you sigh
>Sweet baby Jesus were you having a fucking day
>And you kinda almost didn't have the energy to dig after all of the weird, random shit that you had had to put up with
>But you were going to be DAMNED if you weren't going to do it now!
>This was your fucking yard
>This was your fucking dirt
>And that tank was yours to fucking dig up
>No matter what anyone had to say on the matter!
>Grumbling to yourself you grab your shovel and swing it into the earth
>You were gonna get this fucking hole dug, by your fucking self, even if it killed you!
>Out of spite if nothing else!
>Damnit!!!
>You don't know who long you stay in that hole
>It could have been minutes, it could have been hours
>But in that time you focus on throwing as much dirt over your shoulder as possible
>Right now you were on an inner journey with your spirit tonka truck
>A journey where you would learn the meaning of life, the workings of the universe itself, and how to make the best honking sounds to sound EXACTLY like a car
>A big, fast, awesome care
>With flames on the sides
>You dig and dig and dig, all the while muttering about apple horses and pone mayors and random I'll-ask-to-blow-you-when-the-whole-towns-watching pones and vrooming to yourself until you stop for a moment to take a breather and see how you were doing
>...
>...
>...
>Holy fucking shit...
>You must have dug like two more feet!
>Boy did you work like a champ when you were mad!
>Now smiling slightly you put your hands on your hips, taking a moment to bask in your own glory
>You must have been five or six feet down by now
>If you worked for a bit longer you could finish the rest of this shit up tomorrow easy!
>But first you should probably go and move all of that dirt
>Now you you were looking at it you could see that you were running out of places to toss the stuff...
>Still smiling you climbed out of your hole, and you were about to make your way toward your wheelbarrow, when you hear something
>Something that sounded suspiciously like a lot of hooves stomping around...
>You just stop and cock your head to the side, trying to listen carefully
>...Yep, that sounded like hooves
>What were the little towns pone's doing running around this late in the day?
>And why in the hell did it sound like there were a load of them?
"The fuck is going on?" you mutter, walking toward your fence
>The sound seemed to pick up with each passing second and by the time you reach the fence, leaning out into the streets to see what the hell was going on, you could very clearly hear, and feel, the sounds of marching
>"We gotta find a a way!"
>"WE GOTTA FIND A WAY"
>"To show our friend that we care!"
>"TO SHOW OUR FRIEND THAT WE CARE!"
>"And he needs to know that he has some really great hair!"
>AND HE NEEDS TO KNOW THAT HE HAS SOME REALLY GREAT HAIR!"
>The marching gets louder and louder and more thunderous, so much so that you can feel the vibrations in your feet,until Twilight motherfucking Sparkle turns the corner
>With about a THOUSAND fucking ponies
>Earth pones, bird pones, horny pones of all shapes and sizes marched behind the purple princess in perfect formation and in step
>They had determination in their eyes, their little heads were held high and their chests were puffed out
>And
>They
>Were
>All
>Marching
>Toward
>Your
>FUCKING
>HOUSE
>...
>...
>...
>Shit!
>With a yelp you charge back toward your hole and hop into it
>You knew those fucking looks!
>The little horses had finally formed a pone version of the KKK (like you knew they would) and now they were marching around town lynching/raping/other all of the minorities!
>And since you were the only non pony in town (other than all of the donkeys but who gives a fuck about them?) they had come straight to your fucking house!
>Looking around desperately you find your shovel, reaching down and grabbing it before poking your head out from the hole as best as you can and watching as the mob marches toward you
>You always knew that these little horses were out to get you!
>What with them looking at you funny whenever you walked around outside to buy things or shouted obscenities at them whenever they pissed you off
>They didn't like the fact that you wore clothes
>They didn't like the fact that you had hands
>They didn't like that you had come down here with your new fangled ideas and views on life and shit
>And you couldn't even go and get help, what with Princess Pork Spork leading the little fuckers
>For all you knew the head horses up in Canterlot wanted your ass murdered Tupac style
>Except with widdles hooves instead of bullets
>And horses were killing you not gang members/the government
>Most people would have had the common sense, after seeing a big ass mob marching toward you Nazi style, to take a hint and run the other direction
>Maybe go find that Zecora bitch and live your days out as a kickass witch doctor
>But you were going to be DAMNEd if they were going to scare you off or take you without a fight
>This was your fucking house!
>And even though the ponies here didn't want you you liked this fucking town!
>If these little horses wanted to get you than that'd have to come down here and MAKE you leave
>Your grip on your shovel tightens as you look at the adorable little pone surpremists
>With their fucking smiles...
>And the way that they chatted happily while the front row sang about friendship...
>Blood thirsty, and racists, monsters
>The lot of them!
 
BE Twilight Spong
>You can't help but feel terribly pleased with how all of this had turned out
>After Daisy and her sisters had gathered up everypony in town you had spend the next two or three hours explaining everything
>How Anon looked at everyone and town, seeing friendship blossom and strengthen, and felt alone and sad at not experiencing them himself
>How the poor, poor stallion must have felt because of having a culture that was a little different than his
>How he obviously wanted friends but didn't know how to show you all that he cared or that he even wanted to be friends
>Needless to say every single mare in attendance had been horrified; the stallions doubly so
>Every single one of them had passed by, talked to, or had been around Anon
>But not a single one of them knew he was hurting as bad as he was
>You, until very recently, included
>But that was in the past!
>Now that you all knew the problem you could all fix it!
>It almost brought tears to your eyes (no homo) with how quickly the towns ponies had rallied around you, dropping everything they were doing to go and console this gentle(ish) giant that you had all come to know
>A gentle giant that was peering out from his hole, looking absolutely terrified as you all march up to his house
>Alright Twilight!
>You had a stallion that was in emotional
turmoil on your hooves
>Time to be an alpha mare, walk up and tell him that everything was going to be fine, hit him with a friendship lesson, and begin to make out furiously so that the other mares didn't try anything funny with him
>...
>Y-You know
>For friendship and... stuff!
>Your little army of friendship stops with you
>Alright
>Time to shine!
"Anon!" you call. "Can you come over here for a second? We all have something really, really important we need to tell you!
>"Fuck off purple!" the human yells, waving a shovel at you. "You're not gonna fucking lynch me!"
>The smile that had been on your face dips
>What the hay was a "lynch"?
"Anon what are you--"
>"You might have formed a fucking pone power movement, Spackle, but don't think I won't fucking go down fighting!"
>Now you can hear ponies behind your starting to speak amongst themselves
"Anon plea--"
>"I already got a big ass hole dug up so we don't need to motherfucking graves! I'll make sure we all die tonight!"
>Glaring at you all he points a shovel into the crowd
>"Especially you Bon Bon!"
>Ever pony in the crowd turns to look at Bon Bon, who frowns
>"What?! Why me?" the earth pony demands indignantly, stomping her hoof
>Anon waves his shovel around a bit more
>"Fuck you! You know what you did you dirty little horse!"
>"No fuck you!"
>You awkwardly clear your throat
>With had obviously gotten out of hoof already
>You just needed to swing it back in a more friendship-y direction and everything would be fine
"Um, Bon Bon, maybe--"
>"Fuck me? You don't even know what fuck means!"
>"I don't care!" Bon Bon roars back, stepping out of the crowd and walking toward Anon's fence. "Fuck whatever fuck means and FUCK YOU!"
>The human, his eyes narrowing, crawls out of his hole and stomps toward her
>"Double fuck you you little marshmallow-looking candy-maker!"
>Bon Bon, growling, hops up onto her back legs, leaning against Anon's fence and butting heads with him as soon as he's within headbutting distance
>"Triple fuck you you whiney, weird, clothes obsessed monkey thing!"
>"Chubby, three color tone having, grouchy tooty-fruity!"
>"Gangily, weird dick having, fuddy-duddy!"
>Anon growls
>"And how do you know what my dick looks like you taffy stand monk tickler?"
>Bon Bon answers his growl with her own, though you could see a blush forming on her face
>"Because I just do you..."
>She blinks, trying to think of an insult
>"...you...you... you double zigger!"
>Anon's eye bug out, and he staggers back as if struck
>You can hear ponies in the crowd gasp at the blatant racism as you eye twitches
>This...
>This wasn't friendship...
>This wasn't friendship at all!
>"Double zigger?!?!?! You--"
>"WILL THE TWO OF YOU JUST BUCKING MAKE OUT ALREADY?!"
>Both Bon Bon and Anon look back out into the crowd
>"FUCK OFF!" they both snarl before once again butting heads, growling and glaring at each other
>...What is--
>Why--
>How--
>You can't help but groan, facehoofing so hard you very nearly knocked a tooth you
"Well everypony just calm down for ONE SECOND?!"
>With a flap of your wings you launch yourself over Anon's fence and toward Anon's side
>Grabbing him you gently pull him away from Bon Bon
"Bon Bon! You know that Anon's really emotional right now! WE'RE supposed to be here to show him that we care, not scream at him!"
>Bon Bon's face scrunched up dangerously
>"No! Buck you and fuck him!"
>She bares her teeth as she leans over the fence so far that you fear she's going to break it
>"Fuck you Anon! Fuuuuuccccckkkkk yyyyyoooooouuuuu! If you think I stopped making my gum drops just to get yelled at by a stallion for no BUCKING REASON THAN YOU HAVE ANOTHER--"
>You watch as Lyre slowly trots out of the crowd, shaking her head
>"Bonnie, sweetie, remember what the doctor said about that temper."
>With her magic she pulled the frothing at the mouth Bon Bon away from the fence and dragged her into the crowd
>"I'm sorry about that, Fingers," the mint green mare calls over her shoulder as Bon Bon struggles against her magic. "I hope that the princess manages to help you out with all of your biz and stuff."
>"FUUUUCCCCKKKK YOOOOOUUUUUU ANNNNNOOOONN--thmp!"
>"Come on, Sweetie, let's get you home before you pop a blood vessel."
>You, Anon, and pretty much the whole town watches the two leave before all eyes turn to you
>You can't help but whimper, sitting heavily on your rump and sniffling
>This... hadn't turned out like you had been expecting
>There was supposed to be a song and dance and Anon was supposed to get real happy when he found out that you all cared about him and--
>You wipe your nose with a hoof, sniffling again as your wings drooped onto the ground
>Don't you bucking cry!
>Not in front of everypony!
>Don'tyouBUCKINGCRY!
>"God is Bon Bon a cunt," Anon says before looking down at you
>"Twilight? what the hell's biting you?"
>He gets down on one knee and puts one of his hands on your shoulder, giving it a squeeze
>"Hey now, there's no need to cry."
>Still sniffling, and uncomfortably close to crying, you shuffle forward, burying your face into Anon's chest and wrapping your hooves around him
>You'renotgoingtocry!
>You'reabigmare!
>Abigmare!
>Anon wraps those glorious arms of his around you, rocking you both back and forth as he runs his hand through your mane
>"There there, everything's alright, Nerkle."
"I just wanted to bring e-everypony to s-show you t-that we all c-cared a-and--"
>You can't help but sink against the human as much as you can
>You felt so comforted, so safe in those arms
>You could have stayed like this forever...
>And there, in the arms of the big stallion that you had come to comfort you started crying
>Like a big colt
>A colty colt
>And sweet Celestia, if you didn't feel so safe and loved right now you would have died from embarrassment
>#PrincessProblems
 
BE ANON
>Welp
>It looks like Bon Bon broke Spackle
>Her and maybe you just a little bit but it was mostly her fault
>...Fucking Bon Bon
>She knows what she fucking did...
>You do you best to calm the crying pony in your arms as she mumbles something about friendship and care and holes
"It's alright. Shush, it's alright..."
>Damn
>It must be more stressful organizing a lynching mob than you thought...
>You take a minute to look up at the crowd
>All of whom look slightly uncomfortable and confused as to what the hell was going on
>You also were confused as to what the hell was going on
>Time to change that
"Hey you."
>A little horse from the crowd looks at you
>"Me?" she says, pointing a hoof at herself
"Yeah you. What the hell's going on? Are you all here to lynch me or some shit?"
>Your question is met with looks of confusion
>"..What the hay is a Lynch?"
>The mare looks at her fellow soon-to-be murders
>"We're all just here to help you."
>You frown as the whole lot of them say as much
>Help you?
>What the hell did they mean by that?
>Was is the good kind of help or was it the help where you find yourself in a death camp?
"...And what, pray tell, are you here to help me with?"
 
>BE TWIBORG DARKLE
>You don't know how long you've been in Anon's wonderful, caring arms
>It could have been a minute, it could have been an hour
>You weren't the best judge of time whenever you were being a cry baby
>But when you HAD finally managed to stop your crying and unlatch yourself from his chest you could see that the sun was about to set
>"There you are, Purple."
>Wiping your tear-riddled face with a hoof you look up and see Anon looking down at you
"H-Hey, Anon, " you say weakly, hiccuping
>The human gives your back a rub
>"You feel better now?" he kindly asked
>You lean into the rubbing, your wings twitching in delight
"... A little bit," you answer
>Boy must you look like a baby right now...
>Holding onto a colt while you cry your eyes out in front of everypony...
>Anon nods, patting your back before getting to his feet with a grunt
>"So, I've been talking to the little army of horses over there," he says, pointing at all of the towns ponies that you had brought with you. "And they mostly told me what the hell was going on while you had your little... moment."
>You can't help but blush a bit as you nod
>You wanted to say something, wanted to take what all of these wonderful and caring ponies behind you had (hopefully) told him and say some words of wisdom that would be the cherry on top but you were a bit scatterbrained at the moment
>It was hard to think now that you had Anon's scent all over you
>His powerful, alluring, stallion-y scent...
>Your wings twitch once again
>But it's because of a different kind of excitement
"Aha..." you say almost absentmindedly, trying your very hardest to keep your wings in check
>"And I just want you to know, from the bottom of my heart, that I appreciate what you were trying to do."
>Your ears perk up as he pats your head
>Looking over your shoulder you see the towns ponies all smiling at you
>"It's nice to know that all of you little guys care enough about lil' ol' me to come out and do this," Anon continues, a small smile making its way onto his face.
"Even though I'm not the kind of guy that likes the feelsy stuff all that much it's nice to know that someone cares. Really, it does."
>Anon shrugs, rubbing the back of his head
>And I know I haven't been the... BEST neighbor in the whole wide world, and I know that I'm a pretty hard guy to be around and befriend and all of that shit-- hell, I don't even know all of you guy's names when you know mine-- and that's pretty shitty of me... To treat you all like that I mean..."
>You look up at Anon with wide eyes
>Was this it?
>Was this the moment when this shit show turned out alright and everypony learned a lesson about friendship?
>You can't help but find yourself smiling, rocking to and fro in giddiness
>Oh it's happening wasn't it!
>You could FEEL it in your bones!
>Your friendship bones!!!
>"I'm a big boy. I can admit it when I'm wrong."
>Anon throws his arms up in the air
>"And I'm wrong... I guess. So I'm sorry. For being a dick and stuff... I'll try to work on my dickery in the future and try to act more friendly and nice and stuff."
>"And you'll stop swearing at us whenever we walk by your fence?" somepony in the crowd asked
>Anon stiffens
>"Hey! I didn't start swearing at some of you for no reason"! he says defensively. "Some of you little fuck--"
>Anon stops himself, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath
>"...Fine. I'll stop swearing at you all whenever you walk by my fence alright?"
>The towns ponies look at each other before each muttering that they accepted his apology
>...Wait
>You did it?
>You solved the friendship problem?
>Even after all of the horse apples that happened today that tried its best to mess this up?
>HAH!
>Who's the bucking Princess of Friendship?!
>You were that's who motherbucker!
>You were the BEST Princess of Friendship!
>Whoooo!!!
>Squeeing you leap into the air, doing a little dance, before landing on your hooves
>We did it!
>We did it!
>We did it!
>Yay!
"So does that mean you'll let us help you dig your hole?" you ask him
>Oh you could not WAIT for write a friendship report about his!
>Princess Celestia was going to be so--
>"Nope."
>You freeze
>The towns ponies freeze
>About half a mile away a flock of geese freeze
>...
>...
>...
>Wat
"...What?"
>Anon nods, shooing you out of his yard
>"While I'm up to the gills in love and understanding and friendship and shit I'm still gonna dig the hole by myself."
>Looking back at his hole Anon frowns
>"I would have probably finished almost all of it today if it wasn't for all of the other stuff that I had to do but I'm sure I'll finish it tomorrow. Right now I got a shower and some leftover pizza calling my name."
>Nudging you with his foot, Anon pushes you out of his front yard
>"See you guys later."
>No!
>This wasn't how this was going to go down!
>NOT AGAIN!
"Wait a minute!" you cry. "Anon! We're not going to let you work on this by yourself!"
>It took a minute to figure out why he was STILL being difficult
>But then you remembered that this was how his species' stallion's acted
>You HAD to get a aggressive with him!
>Even though you weren't particularly comfortable doing so
>Anon cocks his head at you, the smallest of frowns coming to his face
>"Yes you are, Narkle," he says, crossing his arms. "If you were my friend then you'd understand that I want to do it alone."
>Oh that bullshit friend shaming wasn't going to work on THIS bucking mare!
"But friends help friends with whatever they need, Anon!" you retort. "I know you don't want us help--though I have no bucking idea why you wouldn't want anypony to help you with digging up a hole-- but you've got to stop being so stubborn and let us help you!"
>It almost felt like you were talking to a male right now Applejack for Celestia's sake
>And if stubbornness and/or thick-headedness was as common trait among humans as you think it was then Applejack would probably fit right in on "Darth"
>Or however Anon pronounced the name of his world
>But you HAD gotten Applejack to let you and the girls help her with her farm after Big Mac got hurt
>You were SURE that you'd wear Anon down!
>One way or another
>"I already told Applejack that I didn't want any of you fucking up my yard, Twilight," Anon said, his tone slightly raised, though you could tell that he was trying to keep himself calm. "You little horses are little walking hurricanes! I'd rather dig out this hole by myself than let you all come in here and touch everything with your grubby little hooves."
>Hey now...
>That sounded awfully racist...
>You DO NOT have grubby hooves
>And pretty much everypony you knew took hoof care very seriously
>You weren't a zeb--
>Hey!
>Now you're bucking doing it!
>Youaren'tracistdamnit!
>Anon gives both you and the crowd a look before turning around and walking toward his house
>"Now I don't want to hear about anymore about you helping! I appreciate it but it's not going to happen! For Christ's sake..."
>You watch Anon walk away from you all with slowly narrowing eyes
>It appeared that diplomacy had failed
>You didn't need to be a genius to figure out that Anon wasn't going to let you help with this willingly
>So now it looked like you were going to have to do it by force!
>Luckily you had explained to the little mob behind you that this might be something that you'd all have to do so they were ready
>You could already see a few of them pulling out the shovels that they had brought with them
>Sighing loudly, you magick a shovel to your person
>Sorry Anon
>You might be one hunk of a stallion but you had let your stubbornness get the better of you...
>Time for a mare to straighten you out...
"I'm sorry to hear that, Anon," you say.
>The towns ponies began walking toward Anon's fence, hopping or flying over it as the human turned to look at you all in confusion
"But we're not going to take no for answer!"
>You lift your shovel into the air and point it at him
>You hoped with all of your heart that nopony would be overly pushy with Anon when they made him go back into his house
>It'd kill you if you made him cry
>Or if he got hurt in ANY way
>But it really couldn't be helped
>Hopefully all of you could all laugh about this in the morning when it was all over
>I'mheretokickflankandchewbubblegum.pog
"GET HIM!"
 
BE ANON
>You know, it had been a pretty fucking weird day all things considered
>But if someone would have told you that you would have ended your day with a god damned 1v100 drawl you would have scoffed
>Unfortunately you weren't scoffing now
>Nor were you chuckling, cackling, laughing, giggling, or anything in between
>Right now you were dirty, exhausted, your clothes were torn, and you were pissed right the fuck off
>You had told those little horses that you wanted to dig your hole alone
>You had said these works more than once to multiple ponies
>You had thought this was something that their widdle horse minds could understand
>And that they would leave you alone so you could dig your hole
>But each time you told them to fuck off they just came back with more little horses and more reasons why they needed to help you
>You liked their spunk, you really, honestly did, but this was too god damned far
>So, like any pissed off individual that had intruders on his property you calmly and civilly told them to piss off
>By tossing them, throwing them, calling them names, breaking their shovels, and much much more
>Sure, you could have had at them with your shovel, but you REALLY didn't want to hurt the little guys
>You might have been a dick but you weren't a monster
>...At least you weren't THAT much of a monster...
>They had tried defending themselves from your "onslaught" but you would not be stopped
>You were a juggernaut on this ridiculous field of battle
>They had tried stopping you with blankets but you tore through them like they were paper
>They had tried to beat you down with pillows but you had batted them away like they were nothing
>One stallion even called you names for about ten minutes, something that horrified his fellow ponies (for some fucking reason) but it had flowed off your back like you were a duck in water
>Even though you had almost stopped the scuffle with how ADORABLE they ponies were being you had hardened your head
>They had fucked up your yard and you weren't going to let them get away with it
>You weren't going to let them get away with it
>One
>Fucking
>Bit
>No matter how adorable they were and how silly their methods of self defense
>"Anon! PLEASE!"
>Book horse did her best to try and wiggle out of your grasp as you carried her by the scruff of her neck away from the battlefield that had become your yard
>Shovels and clumps of grass were scattered across the place, and the big pile of dirt that used to be next to you hole was gone
>During some part of your little "battle" the horses, seeing that you were tearing through their ranks like they weren't shit (and they WEREN'T shit), had, in their panic, dumped the WHOLE FUCKING PILE back into your hole
>Making all of your hard work for the day mean jack shit
>You hadn't even felt sorry for Cloud Chaser when you had tossed the bitch into a tree
>And hell, you almost giggled when you sent Hooves running with a string of yo momma jokes
>...God damned, motherfucking, pissing, cocking, bullshitting ponies...
>But there was a silver-lining in all of this bullshit
>Really, there was!
>Now that you had (metaphorically) bashed in some heads hopefully you wouldn't be bothered again
>Ponies might not have been the brightest bunch but even THEY weren't this dumb
>You had just showed them how much you didn't want them helping you
>So now they'd leave you and your hole alone
>All you needed to do was toss the little "leader" of this shit show and your statement would be complete
>"Anon! If you'd just listen for me for one second so I can--"
"Look at all of the fucking damage you all fucking caused!"
>You poke her again
"Do you know how much work it's going to take to fix all of this?"
>Not that much really, what with there being magic and all, but you may as well make her feel bad about what she did
>Bust her balls as it were
"I'm probably going to have to spend the next two or three fucking days working on all of this!"
>You expected Twilight to look ashamed
>Or at the very least a little upset since you foiled her plan and all
>But she was just looking at you with look of utter determination
>"I'm going to help you with this, Anonymous," she said. "I'm going to help you with this, and the girls are going to help you with this, because we care."
>You find yourself frowning as she lurches forward and wraps her hooves around your shoulders in what you assumed was a hug
>Wat?
>What was she--
>You watch as Book hoers teleports away from you in a pop, appearing a in the street a second later
>The two of you have this weird... stare down for a few seconds before she raced away
>"Don't you worry Anon!" she yells. "You might have beaten me this time but I'll find a way to beat you and dig that hole out! It's be our friendship hole, Anon! OUR FRIENDSHIP HOLE!!!"
>You just stand there watching as she sprinted around the corner, your mind trying to piece together what the hell she was yammering on about
>...
>...
>...
>You know what?
>Fuck it
>You were too tired to deal with this shit!
"Fucking ponies," you mumble to yourself. "I swear to fucking god..."
>Right now your fucked up lawn and your fucked up neighbors and your fucked up life could wait
>You wanted to get something to eat
>You wanted to take a fucking bath
>And you wanted to just RELAX for five minutes
>Sit down for a bit, maybe have a deer or ten
>If anyone deserved to take a break right now it was YOU
>But then, after your leisure time, you needed to get back out here and man the fort
>From the look on Twilight's face, and all of the bullshit that she had just put you through, it looked like this nonsense was far from done
>She, for some unfathomable reason, wanted to help you dig this hole
>And you, being the unreasonable cunt you were, weren't going to let her
>Because she just wouldn't leave you alone
>Because she had gotten like half of the town to jump you and ruin your front yard
>Because freedom and America and fireworks and shit!
>Because some men aren't looking for anything logical like money
>They can't be bought, bullied, reasoned, or negotiated with
>Some crazy, fucked up men just want to watch the world burn
>YOU were that crazy motherfucker
>And TWILIGHT
>WAS
>NOT
>GOING
>TO
>FUCKING
>TOUCH
>YOUR
>MOTHERFUCKING
>HOLE
>JESUS
>CHRIST!
 
 
BE TWILIGHT SPARKLE
>You had been unprepared
>Vastly unprepared
>You didn't expect Anon, a stallion, to put up that much of a fight!
>Not one bucking bit!
>Human females must have been bucking shit brick houses to deal with that shit!
>Trying your hardest to ignore the burning in your legs you race toward your house, magicking open the door and running through into your home without stopping
>So from what you had gathered human males were more aggressive, stronger, and a lot tougher than stallion males
>But the problem was you didn't know HOW tough or strong he WAS
>And you couldn't test the waters by using your magic on him because you, along with most mares you knew, didn't have the stomach to try to physically overpower a male
>You mother had taught you better than that
>So that left you with only one choice
>You needed somepony with the experience and knowledge to handle any type of stallion
>Somepony who's presence demanded respect and awe
>And if words wouldn't sway Anonymous then they would have courage and the grit to lay down the law and force him to step down!
>Scrambling upstairs you race toward your desk, putting out a quill and a piece of paper
"Dear Princess Celestia...
 
>BE ANON
>You weren't gonna lie
>It had been a pretty rough night
>After your shower and regulary scheduled masterbation secession you had walked by one of your windows to find a group of ponies trying to dig up your hole in the middle of the night
>They had latern helmets and they were singing songs, and it was adorable, but still...
>Though all it had taken was some yelling and threats on your part to get them to go away you had been paranoid that they were going to come back the second that you went to sleep
>So you had done the only thing that made sense at the time and slept outside in your hole with a broom on your right and your shovel on your left
>Which, oddly enough, wasn't as bad as you thought it was going to be
>It wasn't cold out, so all you needed was a thin blanket that you had wrapped around yourself
>Since the ground was all dug up that made it a pretty comfortable to lay on
>...Maybe better than your bed now that you think about it...
>Fuck did you need to get a better bed...
>But the whole sleeping outside thing wasn't what made it hard to sleep last night
>What made it hard to sleep was the fact that you had been correct in assuming that the little horselets would try to come back later in the night
>At about twelve in the morning you had awoken to about five or six of the little buggers trying to drag you out of your fucking hole by your t-shirt
>Which you hadn't been happy about one fucking bit
>So instead of the sleep that you had been wanting to get you had spent most of the night playing sentry, just waiting with your broom to give someone hell
>And that meant, as the sun peeked its fiery head over the horizon, you weren't in the best of moods
>You were tired
>You were achy from digging and fighting yesterday, and sitting in a hole for about eight hours wasn't helping one bit
>And you were starting to get hungry and you kinda had to go to the bathroom
>But FUCK all of that!
>You weren't going to leave this hole!
>You were going to wait until the sun came up and then you were going to dig this motherfucker!
>Fucking ponies
>Telling you that you couldn't dig your hole by yourself!
>And why the hell not?
>This was YOUR property!
>You should be able to do whatever the hell you wanted
>This house of your's was your castle
>Your kingdom
>Your motherfucking empire
>And you were it's ruler
>The one that looked after and maintained everything!
>Not Twibnight, not appul hoser, not anyone else
>So you were GOING to dig this hole
>'Cause it was your hole
>And no one else's
>YOUR'S
>Yawning hugely you hold your blanket tight against your shoulders before rubbing your eye
>But that didn't mean you were too happy about it
>...FUCK this no sleeping bul--
>"Nonny! NONNY!!! Whoo! Over here!"
>Turning your head you see Ponk skipping down the street toward you, a paper bag in her mouth and a spring in her step
>Still yawning you reach over and grab your broom
"Morning Pinkie," you say tiredly, hefting your weapon as she made her way toward you
>She giggled
>"I saw that somepony was being a grumpy gills and decided to sleep outside!"
>She drops the paper bag at your feet
>"But not like camping outside because you didn't have a sleeping bag or a campfire or a tent! Did you need a tent Nonny because--"
>Why the hell does she have to sound so chipper right now when it must be five in the fucking morning?
>No one's supposed to be happy at five in the morning!
>...Fucking morning people...
>Quickly tuning out the chatting pony you reached down--making sure to keep an eye on Pank so she didn't try anything funny-- and grabbed the paper bag
>Frowning slightly, you give it a little shake
"Oi, Pinkie," you say, interrupting... whatever Pinkie was saying. "What's in the bag?
>Still smiling Pinkie reaches behind her back and pulls out a steaming foam cup of coffee
>...At least you think it was coffee...
>It SAID coffee on the side so...
>"I thought that you'd like some breakfast, Nonny Puss! You'll need the energy to "dig your hole of freedom!"
>You bat at Pint's legs with the bag as she stomps around your hole, deepening her voice and making faces at you as she said it.
"Hey, I did NOT say that," you mutter, taking a careful sip of your coffee
>Hmm
>Hot and black and bitter
>Just like you liked your ex-girlfriends
>Pinkie giggled again as you put down your coffee to see what goodies awaited you in your paper bag of mystery
>"I know silly! I just thought it'd be silly enough to get you to smile!"
>You stop messing with the bag to look up at her with bloodshot eyes
"What time is it Pinkie?"
>Pinkie looks up at the sky, squints, and looks back at you
>"It's about four-thirty Nonny Bagonny."
>Four-thirty?
>Jesus Christ
>Did the sun really raise this early?
>What the fuck was wrong with Sun hoers?
"There's no way you're going to get me to smile, laugh, grin, chuckle, or giggle at four-thirty in the morning, Pinkie."
>"Aw, come on, Nanny Panny Fo-Fanny!"
>Pinkie jumps into the hole with you as you finally manage to open up the paper bag
>Huh
>There's a LOT of donuts in here
>And they're Caramel Apple
>Your favorite
>With a grunt you sit down, Pinkie hopping into your lap the second your ass touches the dirt
>"Come on! Give your aunt Pinkie a smile!"
>She squishes your cheeks together as you reach up for your coffee
>"Come on! Who's a silly filly? Who's a big ol' filly--thmp!"
>Pank lets out a pleased hum as you stuff a donut onto her mouth
"Shush," you demand, pulling out another donut from the bag. "Let me get some fucking coffee in me and something to eat before you start yammering again... For fuck's sake..."
>Her ears twitching, Pint nodded with a smile, wiggling in your lap as she reached into your bag and helped herself to another one of your donuts
>Which was just as well since you kind of wanted to make sure she didn't put anything into them
>...Though, knowing Pinkie she'd--
>Ugh
>Too much thinky
>Needed wakey upy foody
>There's a comfortable silence as you and Pinkie just sit there and eat, Pinkie trying to chat with you and you stuffing more food into her face whenever she opened her mouth while you tried to find a way to wake yourself up
>And, after seven to ten cups of coffee, all provided by Pinkie pulling them out of her asshole, and a couple of donuts, you could say that you almost felt halfway awake
"Alright," you say, giving Ponk Pea a pat on the back as you finished up your last cup of life-giving nectar. "Get up off me Pinkie."
>Pinkie, still licking the crumbs off of her lips, hopped off of your lap, allowing you to rise to your feet
>"Do you feel better, Nonnynator?" she asked
>You pat her head with the barest of smiles
"Yeah, I feel like a million bucks, Pinkie. Thanks for the grub."
>Pinkie giggles, hopping out of the hole
>"Alright, this party pony's got some baking to do!" she says with a happy bounce
>You nod, tossing your blanket off of you and grabbing the trusty shovel that had been keeping you comfortable during this long, hard night
"And I gotta get to work since the sun's all out and such."
>Pinkie was about to turn away but then she just stopped
>"Nonny?"
>You yawn again
"Yeah?"
>"How come you don't want anypony helping you?"
>Looking up you see Polio looking down at you with a big, sad look that would melt the heart of even the most dastardly, evil creatures
>...
>...
>...
>We can't take the hnnnngg Cap'n!
"Come on, Pinkie! Don't give me that fucking look!" you demand, shielding your face so as to protect your poor, poor heart
>She doesn't stop, and you swear you can feel the cute seeping through your forearm
"For fuck's sake stop looking at me like that god dammit! You're killing me here!"
>"..."
"I just want to dig it up by myself alright?"
>"..."
>You pick up your shovel and do your best to shield yourself with it
>It didn't work but you tried
"Don't you ever have the desire to do something yourself without anyone helping you?"
>"..."
"I want to dig out this big ass hole by myself and look at all of the dirt and feel proud and shit!"
>You find yourself backing away from Pinkie
>It was like you were looking right at the eye of fucking Sauron
>Except it was a hell of a lot cuter
>...And Pinkie wasn't on fire
"And look at what happened when some of your ponies tried to help me the other day!"
>You wave a hand around the war zone that had become your front yard
"I don't even see what's the big deal about me doing it by myself anyway! It's just digging a fucking hole and--umph!"
>You stagger backwards as Pinkie leaps toward you and wraps you up in a patented Party Pone hug
>"Alright, Nonnykins," she says, nuzzling the side of your face. "I believe you, silly filly."
>Regaining your balance you return the hug--though you're not really too happy about it-- giving the mare a squeeze before the two of you break it
>"Bye, bye Nonny!" Pinkie says with a wave. "I hope you manage to dig your freedom hole!"
"Wait, it's not a freedom..."
>You sigh, facepalming
"Fuck it... See you Pinkie..."
>It's gonna be another long fucking day
>You just knew it
 
BE PRINCESS LUNA
>'Tis another lovely, lovely day in your kingdom
>Or at least it would be if not for some disconcerting news that your sister made you aware of
>Apparently sister had received news--from young Twilight Sparkle no less-- that that odd stallion that your sister had allowed sanctuary was being... difficult
>So difficult that Twilight had requested your sister's help in the matter
>Something that, for the life of you, you couldn't fathom
>Why would she need help with a difficult colt?
>All one needed to do was show them to the nearest kitchen and they would know what to do from here
>Stallions were, by nature, very simple creatures after all
>...Though to be fair, a mare, in many ways, was just as simple...
>And you yourself would LOVE to know how to make a sandwich...
>But enough about your views about the lesser sex!
>You and your sister had a matter of importance to settle!
>And from the way that your sister had insisted on cancelling her schedules to go to Ponyville to see the mattered settled you had figured that it the matter at hoof must have been far more serious than you expected
>...Or your dear sister was simply so bored that she had been looking for any excuse to ditch work and go goof around
>Your expect it to be the latter since she was sitting in the royal chariot next to you looking positively giddy with excitement
>Though you are no better, since you had also decided to postpone your (admittedly minor but horribly boring) duties of the day to, as they say, "play hookie and swing loose man"
>...Or however the fillies and colts say it these days
"Art thou well, sister mine?" you ask, poking her with a wing. "Thou art moving to and fro as though thou hast a swarm of ants in thy pantaloons."
>Your sister just smiles, leaning over to nuzzle you
>"Oh, it's nothing, Luna," she tells you, looking out into the horizon. "I was just thinking on Twilight's letter."
>You nod
"Aye, it is an... interesting read."
>You can't help but chuckle in amusement as what she told you about it came to mind
"Though we fear that it is more fiction than fact."
>Your sister giggles quietly
>"Oh, I'm sure that Twilight just got a little excited over what must be a silly little understanding," she says with a wave of the wing
>You can't help but shake your head in disbelief
"Couldst thou imagine a magicless stallion fighting off a hoard of mares with none but his bare hooves?"
>"Hands," your sister quickly corrected
>You roll your eyes and wave a hoof dismissively
"It makes no difference WHAT appendages he has, the two of us still have to make the journey down to Ponyville to quell this situation. A situation that your student should--"
>Your sister bit her lip
>"Luna?"
"Yes sister?"
>"I know that you might think that this is silly and all but I'd appreciate it if you'd take the situation seriously. From what Twilight said Anonymous is already agitated with what happened, and there's no need to make things any worse.
>You find yourself frowning
>Your sister didn't think you were going to be serious?!
>You were the definition of seriousness!
>You OOZED it!
>The contents of your chamberpot had more seriousness in it than a room full of diplomats during a world meeting!!!
"We promise that We will give this all of the seriousness that it deserves, sister mine," you tell Celestia
>"And remember what I taught you about today's stallions and how... gentle they can be...."
>You snorted
"I, Princess Luna, Lady of the Night, Mistress of Dreams, swear upon my crown and my honor to look upon the young colt Anonymous' plight with understanding and gentleness. We will also hold his hoof and call him pretty, and--"
>You can't help but grin as your sister slugs you in the shoulder
>"You know what I mean, Luna!"
>Resisting the urge to rub your shoulder you slug your sister right back
"What We DO know is that thou art taking this matter far too seriously, sister. The two of us will go down, solve the issue, and have enough time to frolic with the peasantry."
>Or at least you'd do your best to make sure that was what happened
>Hopefully Anonymous wasn't a screamer, or heaven forbid, a cryer
>You HATED when a stallion was a bucking cryer
>Bucking mare up and take life's lumps like you had a pair of ovaries!
>"Your Majesties," one of your drivers says over the wind. "We will be landing in Ponyville in a few moments."
>You grin, giving your sister a look
"Art thou ready to lay down the law, sister mine?"
>Celestia rolls her eyes and shoves you when you wiggle your eyebrows at her
>"I don't know why I take you anywhere..."
 
BE ANON AGAIN
>Diggy hole, diggy hole
>You were a motherfucker that was digging a hole!
>Not wanting a repeat of yesterday you had decided to take breaks in between your digging to move the soil that you had shoveled up into the back
>All the while keeping an eye out for little horses carrying shovels
>You knew that they were out there
>Waiting for you to be just a LITTLE lax in your vigilance
>Then they'd descend upon you like an adorable tornado of destruction
>You were so paranoid that they were going to jump you again your process was nothing like it had been yesterday
>You just could keep your eyes down for more than a minute without looking around
>For fuck's sake, you had been digging since the fucking break of dawn but had only managed to dig a foot and a half or so!
>...
>...
>...
>But that was fine
>Slow and steady won the race!
>As long as your fucking neighbors left you well enough alone everything would be fine
>You'd dig your hole, you'd put your new tank in, and everyone would live happily ever after
>And if you just--
>"Anon! ANON!"
>...God damnit
>Poking your head up from out of your hole you see book horse leading her little troop of "do-gooders" toward you
>But unlike last time it appeared that they had two extra special guest
>Motherfucking Princess Celestia and Princess Luna
>That...
>That fucking tattletale!
>She told on you didn't she>1
"Did you go and fucking tell on me, Purple?" you demand as they stop just short of your fence
>While Twilot at least had the common decency to look a bit ashamed Celestia looks like she's about to start laughing
>"I wouldn't say that, Anonymous," she says, both her and her sister entering the "danger zone"
>You don't break eye contact as you reach over and grab your broom
>This seems to amuse Sunny bun's further, and even Woona looked like she wanted to crack a smile
>"Oh come now, my little human, there's no need for that. My sister and I have just come here to speak to you."
>Luna nods
>"Aye, we hath come to settle the dispute between thee and the townsfolk."
>Hah!
>You'll be the fucking judge of THAT!
"Oh really?"
>Though they're doing their best to look disarming you heft your broom, making it a point to give it a few practice swings
"There's nothing so you to talking about or oversee or any of that shit," you say as they stop a few feet from you
>Just a bit out of your broom's range you couldn't help but notice
"I told Twinight over there that I didn't want anyone helping me and look at what the hell she did!"
>You gesture to your poor, poor yard
"I wasn't asking her or any of those little horses over there to move a fucking mountain, I just asked them to leave me alone so I could spend the day just getting some yard work done. Is that really too much to ask?"
>Celestia just looked down at you with her motherly smile, taking a step forward and opening her mouth to say something, but then her sister cut her off
>"Anonymous, We would like to know why art thy britches in a bunch?"
>A small frown comes to her face as she brushes past her sister and keeps walking forward until she's at the edge of your hole
>"My sister hath given thee a home to lounge in and put in a good work to thy boss so that she would hire thee--"
>You have to resist the sudden urge to start swinging your broom
>Celestia didn't GIVE you this house
>...Well, she DID, at first
>But after you had gotten back on your feet you had worked tooth and nail to pay her back
>She had tried to protest, the generous little horse that she was, but you wouldn't be denied
>You HATED free handouts
>Especially when you were the one getting them
>"'--Thou also live in a place with a plethora of young and spry mares-- mares who, We are sure, would be happy to settle in with thee and protect thee from the world-- but thou continue to live in isolation like a leper!"
>She snorted, looking you up and down
>"Thou art only getting older by the day, Anonymous. It would be wise for thee to find thyself some good wives before mother time sets her gaze upon thee."
>You watch as the Princess of the Night unfurls a wing and uses it to poke your nose
>"But thou willst never find thyself a mare if thou continue playing the shrew. Now come, crawl out of that hole and let us do what is obviously mare's work while thee speak with our sister."
>She nudges her head toward your house
>"Thou can reward our chivalry by making us something to eat after thou settle thy grievance with her !"
>...
>...
>...
>You very slowly put down your broom
>With narrowed eyes you pick up your shovel
>For a moment, a LONG moment, you consider the chances of getting away with regicide
>And then you put your shovel down after a few more seconds of thinking it over
>No
>You might not have been the smartest tool in the shed, and since Woona was talking in her Ye Oldie you could barely understand what the hell what she was saying, but you understood the gist of it well enough
>This little zigga didn't want to help you get these little horselets away from your house
>She, for whatever fucking reason, had joined them
>And now she wanted to fuck with your hole, your property, and yer liberties
>And not only that she had called you a freeloader and demanded that you go into your fucking house, walk into your motherfucking kitchen, pull out some bread and assorted foodstuffs, and make her a motherfucking sandwich
>The
>Bitch
>Wanted
>You
>To
>Make
>Her
>A
>Motherfucking
>Sandwich
>Oh, you done fucked up now little horse
>You done fucked up real good...
 
BE TWILIGHT
>...Holy hay
>That must have been the most sexist things you've heard since your Granny Sparkle was in town...
>Didn't your teacher said that she was doing all that she could to help Luna get used to the modern life?
>Shit, she could have fooled you!
>...
>...
>...
>...She must have not covered the fact that stallions had rights and all of that stuff yet...
>Oh...
>Yep
>The Princess looks horribly embarrassed...
>"LUNA!"
>And she sounds angry and--
>Oh holy shit....
>Anon looks a heck of a lot angrier than Princess Celestia sounds...
>A LOT angrier...
>And he's getting out of his hole...
>He looks at all of you, his face suddenly becoming emotionless
>"Will you all excuse me for a moment? I have to go and get something."
>Before anyone can think of replying he walks off, leaving you all just standing there looking at Princess Luna, who was very slowly realizing that she MIGHT have said something a bit... inappropriate
>[Angry Human noises off in the distance]
>She looked back at her upset sister, then at the crowd of disquieted--not the stallions though, most of them looked pretty bucking mad--, then at you
>"Oh... did we say something wrong?" she asked, blinking slowly
>You try to hold it back but a groan escapes your mouth
>Thereistrulynopeacefromthisevil.jgp
 
BE PRINCESS CELLERY
>Wha--
>What the heck was that?!
>Did you sister REALLY just do that?!
>You TOLD her to be gentle with Anonymous!
"Luna! What did I say to you in the chariot!" you growled, taking a step toward her
>Your sister just looks around in confusion
>"We were simply saying the truth, sister mine," she tells you as you stand there fuming. "We do not understand where thy anger is coming from nor why it is directed at us."
>Your eye twitches
>Really?
>REALLY?!
"You told him to go and make you a sandwich Luna? What did I tell you about telling stallions that?!"
>You through you were getting through to her with your lessons about today's males
>About the struggles they had gone through through the years, earning the right to vote, own property, hold positions in government, among other things
>A stallion was no longer just something that a group of mares could own!
>Sweet gods above
>YOU were the one that had fought for male's rights when nopony else would!
>They were creatures with this own thoughts and and feelings and all of that jazz!
>Luna cocked her head, obviously still puzzled as to why you were upset
>"...But what crime is that, dear sister? We art hungry and we would enjoy a hay sandwich with tomato if it was brought it to us. Is it truly wrong for asking to sup with one that you had gone out of your way to help? Hath you and I not had many a feast for a hero that helped save our kingdom?"
>You stomped your hoof so hard that the earth shook
"It is NOT the same thing!"
>"We do not understand why thou art yelling at us," Luna said, now starting to look slightly upset herself. "All that we said was true. Thou gave Anonymous this home, and we hath heard from thy own mouth that thou had set him up with a job."
>She stomped a hoof herself
>"And we are not WRONG about his need to find a mate. The longer he stays without a herd the more likely it is that a group of mares will force themselves upon him."
>Luna turned away from you to look out at the crowd that your dear student had brought with you
>"That is not a fate we would have brought on any stallion and We would spare him of it if We could."
>You open your mouth to continue yelling when you stop
>That--
>Th--
>...
>...
>...
>...Huh
>You take a moment to think over what your sister had told Anon
>It might have been a little... rude and more than a little blunt
>And Anon had every right to be mad that she had said it like that...
>BUT...
>You HAD given Anon that house, even though the silly man had insisted that he pay you back the house's worth...
>And you HAD gone out of your way to make sure that the big colt had gotten a job where he would be able to provide for himself...
>...And even YOU had been slightly concerned about Anon getting taken advantage of by mares that didn't have his interest at heart when you had found out that he STILL hadn't found somepony...
>And heaven forbid if somepony tired to force him to rut...
>...
>...
>...
>Your sister, in her own really, really, REALLY blunt and harsh way, had voiced her concern for young Anonymous...
>...
>...
>...
>Huh
>You really don't know what to feel now...
"...Luna, I... THINK that you mean well--"
>"Of course we mean well, Sister! We wouldn't--
"--BUT the way that you said what you said might have been a little too blunt for Anonymous."
>You hadn't seen hide nor hair of the poor thing since he stormed off
>The dear must have been crying his eyes out somewhere...
>For the briefest of moments your sister looks just a bit unsure of herself
>You can't help but take a step forward and wrap a comforting wing around your little sister
>...You know, this was just as much your fault as it was Luna's
>You knew that your lil' sis was still adjusting
>Of course she'd say something every once and a while that wouldn't be "politically correct"
>You should have known that she might say something like that...
>Then you could have simply explained to everypony that you sister was still learning and that-- even though it didn't look like it-- she cared just as much as you
>If you had done that then Anon wouldn't have stormed off you wouldn't have to look forward to a bunch of angry letters when you got home
>...
>...
>...
>You done bucked up Celestia...
>Luna leaned against your side
>"...We said something wrong didn't we sister?"
>You nuzzled the top of her head
"It's nothing that we can't fix, Luna," you tell her
>Luna nodded
>"Aye, if we said something that truly offended him as a person then we are more than happy to make amends. We art a lady after all, and a princess to boot. It would be shameful if we did not."
>She snorted half-heartedly
>"Though we are still going to dig the stallion's hole whether he wants us to or not. He may be a stallion but we art the night and--
>If you would have been paying attention you would have noticed that Anonymous had finally returned from wherever he had wandered off
>If you would have just looked over your shoulder, or if your sister would have, or if the hundred ponies would have said something (bucking ninnies) you would have seen that he was carrying a hose
>You would have also been able to watch as he attached the end of the hose, muttering angrily to himself, to a spigot, put a nozzle on the other end, and turned the water on
>But you didn't see any of that, which was why Anonymous was able to get right behind the two of you, aim his hose, and fire the cold, cold water
>Hitting your sister right in the back
>"AURTHRGRNGRTOBNRO!"
>The second that the water hit your sister she launched herself out of your wing hug, her wings flaring, and rolled across the grass
>"WHO HATH DARED thmpmepempe!--"
>Still confused as to what the BUCK happening you rolled away yourself, spinning around to see a narrow-eyed human glaring at your sister while he sprayed water right into her face
"ANON?!?!!"
 
>BE ANON
>You watch with no small amount of satisfaction as Moon bottom bucks and rolls and hops around your house, trying her very hardest to get away from your hose of death
>Her body twitched and tensed each time you nailed her with what HAD to be fucking freezing cold water
>"Anon! Thou will cease thy actions at onc--"
>Yawning you flick the end of your hose, causing a jet of water to hit the Angwy Princess of the Night right in the middle of her back
>She lets out a surprised whinney, doing a barrel roll onto the air before crashing in a heap next to your fence
>"ANON!"
>Still making sure that your cold water of doom was hitting some part of Luna (and silently awing as she tried to bat it away with her hoofsies) you turn to see Celestia glaring at you
>She mad
>Not that you have a fuck to give tho
>In fact you give negative fucks
>You're the oxygen of fuckronegativity
>'Cause you be takin' fucks
"Don't you worry," you tell her. "You'll get yours in a minute."
>Luna rolled away from the water, desperately trying to get to her sister
>"Tia, Tia! WE art in need of assistance! The water is too cold! THE WATER IS TOO COLD! We will get a cold if--"
>Another flick of your wrist sent a turret of water into the princess' face, which forced her to shield her money maker with her hooves
>"SISTER--THLMPMTHMTPLMTPL! HALP! HAL--FULUREREULRTRL! WE ART BEING OVERWHELMED! THOEUREORNEROI! WE BEG OF THEE TO COME TO OUR AID!"
>Luna rolled around on the ground, coating herself in newly made mud, trying to get the water off of her body but your hose, and the water coming out of it, followed her
"Bad horse," you murmur. "BAD. Saying grown folks didn't work for their shit..."
>"WE SWEAR TO THE GODS OF VENGEANCE THAT WE PUT THEE OVER OUR KNEE AND TEACH THEE TO TREAT THY--THOEKRNEON! SISTER HALP! IT'S GETTING INTO OUR MOUTH! IT'S. GETTING. INTO. OUR. MOUTH!!! WE ART BEING KILLED BY WATER!!! HALP!!!!"
>...Sweet Jesus was this adorable
>It was like hosing down a big dog and watching--
>"ANONYMOUS!"
>You can't help but drop your hose as what sounded like a fucking gun shot went off right next to your ear
>A magical golden glow encases your hose, shutting it off and moving it away from you
>And before you can try to process that an invisible force spins you around to face down an angry-looking Celestia
>...
>...
>...
>Fuckthepolice
>You try to dive for your water-tossing weapon but sun hoers is already upon you, her chest puffed out and her wings spread out wide
>You can't help but back peddle as she stomps toward you
>Fuckingshit!
>You might have gone just a bit too far with this one...
 
BE CELESTIA
>Anon just hosed your sister!
>HOSED HER!
>You hadn't seen savagery like that in...
>...In decades!
>You had expected Anon to be a little upset but you didn't think he was going to outright attack her!
>Poor Luna was probably going to need counseling...
>And a towel
>Warneverchanges.horror
"ANON!" you roar
>The human, surprised, drops his terrible weapon, which allowed you to turn it off and throw it away from him
>Anon spins around, looks, at you, then at his hose, before trying to dive for it
>Unfortunately for him you're too quick
"STOP!" you roar, hoping in front of him and spreading your wings
>Anonymous, letting out a panicked squeak, backpedals away from you, but you don't give him an INCH of breathing room
>Stallion or not you could not let such an attack on your sister go unanswered
>You had to put a stop to this AT ONCE!
>You stomp toward the retreating human with all of the anger of a goddess as he retreats with a panicked look on his face
"Sister, are you alright?"
>You see Luna, gasping and shaking, rise to her hooves
>"We... We shall live... Sister."
>Anonymous tries to skirt around you but a growl stops him in his tracks
>He tries to do it again and once again you barely manage to force him back
>The fear is slowly leaving him when he notices that you aren't attacking
>He continues to try to get around you as you desperately try to think of a way to stop this
>You could keep him back with your magic if you had to but the second that it would take to cast the spell might give Anonymous enough time to reach his dreaded weapon
>Then you'd all be doomed...
>Wet AND doomed...
 
BE ANON
>You can't help but just stand there for a moment and watch as Sunhoers stomps toward you
>Her chest was so puffed out that you expected her to fall flat on her face at any moment, her nose was scrunched up adorably, her wings were extended and the ends of them were flapping, and this weird horse-y/ pigeon cooing sound was coming from her mouth
>...But that was it
>She wasn't blowing you up with her horse god magic
>She wasn't trying to fuck you up with that pig sticker on her forehead
>Hell, she wasn't even trying to hit or tackle you
>She was just stomping around being adorable and making her silly sounds
>...
>...
>...
>You honestly don't know if she's just making fun of you or what but you think its about time Princess Cellery and Moonbottom kindly fucked off your property
>Like right meow
>You try to walk about her but she takes a few quick steps forward, flaps her wings, and honks at you
>She honks...
>Like a goose...
>You find yourself taking a few steps backwards in shock
>You didn't know why but you're... intimidated
>And you're confused as to WHY you're intimidated
>...Fucking ponies must be rubbing off on you if you think that big white horse stomping around like a ninny was scary...
>"Yeah!" one of the little horses shouts from the crowd that was--for some reason-- still watching this shit show. "Go get'em Princess! Show that colt who's boss!"
>"YEAH!" a whole bunch of mares yelled
>Well fuck you too little horses...
>"No!" someone that sounded like a stallion screamed right back. "You stand your ground, Anon! Don't let a sexist mare try to oppress you!"
>"YEAH!" a whole bunch of stallions cried
>Ohshit!
>Whatrudoinpone?
>Staph!
"Shit the fuck up!" you yell
>There was no way in HELL you were going to be the cause of a fucking gender war
>...Not again...
>You turn around and start making your way toward the crowd, rolling up your sleeves with a furrowed brow
"And all of you little fucks get away from my house! I just want to dig my fucking hole and--"
>"Anonymous!"
>Turning around you see Celestia looking at you with worry on her widdle horse face
>"You know that I don't look at you different than anypony else, no matter if you're a mare or a stallion, right?"
>You nod, walking back over to the silly white pone and patting her on the head
"Yeah, don't you even worry about it, Princess. Don't go and listen to any of these little horses trying to start shit."
>The princess smiles, nuzzling your hand
>"Oh thank goodness, I was sure tha-- HAH!"
>With what suspiciously sounded like a battle cry, Celestia launches herself at you
>You stumble backward as her hooves wrap themselves around your shoulders
"Celestia, what the hell--"
>"Shush, shush," the princess pone whispered, wrapping her wings around you and pulling herself close against you. "Just relax, just relax. Go to sleep, go to sleep..."
>You heard Twilight gasp
>"I-Is that a-a combat snuggle?" she asked, sounding horrified. "P-Princess, Anon doesn't d-deserve t-tha--"
>You feel Celestia nuzzle the side of your head
>"It's alright, Anon," she whispered, her wings tightening around you. "You're safe here. Nopony's going to hurt you or make you angry. In fact you're not angry one little bit; you're calm, happy, and sleepy... SLEEPY..."
>You just kind of stand there wondering what was going on
>Combat snuggle?
>What the hell was that?
>And why did all of the little horses look like they've just shit themselves?
>She was just hugging you....
>Hugging and whispering nonsense in your ear
>But that was IT...
>...
>...
>...
>Fucking ponies...
 
BE CELESTIA
>Your plan worked!
>You had managed to close in on Anon when he was distracted!
>Though you hadn't imagined in your wildest dreams that you'd have to combat snuggle anypony, let alone a stallion, when you came down here there was no helping it
>No matter how much doing this hurt you to your very core you couldn't let Anonymous get near that hose of his
>You didn't want anypony else to get hosed by the angry human
>And you were more than willing to taint yourself by committing this vile act to achieve this goal
>May the gods above save your soul...
>You feel Anon relax under your assault
>Soon he'd be incapacitated and you'd be able to talk some sense into the silly stallion
>And if not you'd just have to cuddle him until he couldn't be cuddled anymore
>No matter how much it sickened you to cuddle a stallion without his permission
"There, there," you coo, nuzzling him. "You're getting sleepy, Anon. You want to relax and take a nap."
>You knew that Anon would collapse at any moment
>You could feel it in your BONES
>In your younger years you had spent decades mastering the art of cuddle based combat
>And though it had been many a year since you had been forced to use it you knew even now that nopony came close to your expertise
>None could withstand your cuddliness or your softness
>Just a few more--
>"...What the hell do you think you're doing?"
>You stiffen slightly and look down
>...
>...
>...
>Why didn't Anon look like he was going to fall asleep?
>Why weren't his eyelids drooping?!
>Your form in that cuddle leap had been PERFECT!
>PERFECT!
>You wiggle around, fluffing your wings and chest tuft out the best you can in your position
"Shush, it's alright, Anon."
>You continue to rub your cheek against his as soothingly as you can...
>But he doesn't even yawn!
>What the holy horse apples was going on?!
>Anon looked up at you in irritation for a moment before looking past you and at the hose that was lying a few feet away
>You follow his gaze before the two of you just look at each other for a long, awkward moment
"..."
>"..."
"...Anon?"
>"Yes Princess?"
"You wouldn't happen to feel sleepy or lightheaded do you? Maybe you're about to pass out? Anything like that?"
>Anon shakes his head
>"Nope."
>Anon tried to push you off of him but you wrap both your fore legs and your back legs around him
"Not even a little bit?"
>"Get off of me Celestia."
>Your eyes widen in alarm
"Oh, I'm not too heavy for you am I dear?" you asked, concerned even while Anon was trying to pull you off of him
>But you weren't going to let go if you could help it
>There was too much at stake!
>...And you REALLY didn't want to get wet
>Anonymous ignores your question, and begins to make his way over to his hose of doom
>Ohshitwhatrudoin'?!
"Anonymous please, we can talk about this!"
>You try to throw your weight around to hopefully knock him off of his feet so you can try some ground glomping but the man may was well have been rooted to the ground
"Anon please, be reasonable. There's no need to use that hose."
>Anonpls
>You try to cover Anon's face with your hooves and your wings but he just continues to walk forward
>With an angry growl you grab the human's face
>Anonstop
"Anonymous! You will stop right this instance and you wil-- Anon don't you touch that hose! DON'T YOU TOUCH THAT HOSE!"
>NoAnonplsstahp!
>You try to keep Anon's arms by his side but the human managed to wiggle his arms free just in front of your boom
>Why wasn't anypony trying to help you?!
>What the hay was Twilight doing?
>What about your sister?!
>Didn't they see you were in a bit of trouble here?!
>Anon squats down and paws at the hose as you try your very hardest to push it away from him
"Anonymous," you say as calmly as you can manage . "Please, let's be reasonable about this."
>The damnable human continues to ignore you, his eyes narrowing as he comes closer and closer to getting those hands of his on that hose
>AnonNO!
"I can give you anything you want if you just stop being so silly. Do you want bits? A title? Clothing? Jewelry?"
>Your wings bat at his arms, you squeeze his cheeks and look at him as sternly as you can but he still manages to grab that hose of his
>Flyyoufools.pgn
>You try to roll away from Anon but one of the human's arms snakes upward and grabs you by the back of your peytral, lifting you bodily into the air
>You squirm and wiggle with all of your might
"ANON! You put me down right now!"
>...You had no idea that Anon was with STRONG
>Sweet gods above you couldn't remember the last time anyone was able to hold you like this!
>..Don't you get bucking aroused!
>Now's not a good time for that!
>Not looking away from you, Anon very slowly and deliberately brings up the hose and puts the cold metal faucet against your chest
>You gasp at the sensation, freezing and staring down at the stone-faced human with wide eyes
>You can feel the human's hot breath wash against you neck
>You could see his unblinking, merciless eyes
>For a brief, brief second you couldn't help but feel...
>Small...
"...A-Anon pls..."
>Anon brings you close and leans toward your ear, whispering,
>"Fuck. The. Pol-ice."
 
BE TWILIGHT SPARKLE
>You look all around the main lobby of your library
>You had maps of Ponyville all laid out on a table and both Princess Celestia and Luna, both wrapped in towels holding cups of cocoa, were sitting beside you
>This was your impromptu war room
>Your fellow princesses were your generals
>You were the starry-eyed commander that had been tasked with the most difficult of missions
>Show Anon just how much you cared about him by digging his hole up
>Even though he didn't want you to help ONE BIT
>...
>...
>...
>A task that you had so far, even with help, had failed at completely
>Badfeelsfilly
>The entire room was dead silent as you all quietly think over what the hay just happened
>Princess Celestia was the first one to speak
>"...Well, You were correct in saying that this was a problem."
>Luna nodded, her teeth drawing back in a snarl
>"Forsooth, sister mine."
>She growled
>"Never in all of Our years have we seen such... such..."
"Aggression from a stallion?" you suggest, rising from your throne
>Luna grunted and Princess Celestia nodded, both of them looking at you expectantly
>You had hoped that the two of them would be able to deal with Anon but it appeared that not even two all powerful goddesses could sway a huffy stallion
>They weren't able to move him with words, and force had been met with greater force
>Sweet gods, Anon brushed off a bucking combat hug from the Princess like it was nothing!
>A. COMBAT. HUG!
>If Princess Celestia did that to you you'd be out like a light for THREE DAYS!!
>THREE!
>You begin to pace the room, quietly putting your thinking cap on
>You had tried a frontal assault in every way you could think of
>A night attack didn't work
>An all out attack didn't work
>Even bringing in two heavy hitters did jack shit!
>You had been defeated and dishonored
>Your foremothers were rolling in their graves loudly demanding that you commit seppuku
>But you weren't going to do that
>Since what the buck did your ancestors know?
>All of them were DEAD!
>So...
>...So you were just going to have to come at this in a different way
>YES!
>That was it!
>Even the most difficult and impossible situations could be overcome by thinking outside of the box!
>You had to immortals that were eons old, and (not bragging) but you were a pretty smart cookie
>If the three of you put your heads together you could think up something that was sure to knock Anon's sexy, sexy little socks off!
>You could still do this!
>Youcouldstilldothis!!!
>Your expression must have changed since Princess Celestia rose from her chair and made her way over to you
>"Is something wrong, my dear student?" she asked, laying a wing over you
>You shake your head so hard that you darn near knock yourself over
"No! There's nothing wrong at all," you say, looking at both your teacher and Luna. "In fact I think I might know a way we can get Anon out of that hole of his!"
>Princess Celestia and Luna look at each other, Luna getting out of her chair and trotting toward you
>"If you had an idea I'd be more than happy to hear it Twilight," Princess Celestia said with a tired smile. "I'd love to have this matter settled without razing half of the town to do it."
>Luna growled again
>"WE would also like to best this stallion and show him who his betters are."
>They both look down at you
>"We're all ears, my faithful student."
>"Aye, regale us."
>You have to resist the urge to start hopping up and down
"Alright, I want your opinion on this..."
 
 
BE ANON
>You find yourself panting like a dog as you thrown another shovelful of dirt over your shoulder
>The dirt hits the ground behind you with a thud and a quiet sizzle
"...FUCK..."
>You reach down and grabbed the dirty rag that you had tucked into your pants and whipped your face
"Man... FUCKITY FUCK," you mutter, reaching down and grabbing the big jug of water that you had in the hole with you
>You unscrew the lid and take a drink
>Spitting it out the second the water's in your mouth
"Fucking piss warm," you grumble to yourself, throwing down the jug and picking your shovel back up
>And no fucking wonder
>What with it being a hundred and three FUCKING DEGREES OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW
>It was about noon time and the sun (which seemed a hell of a lot closer than it had been a few hours ago) was baring down on everything
>You could see the air shimmering, you could feel the hot air burning in your lungs along with the sun's rays doing their very best to kill you, and hell, you could even SMELL the fucking heat
>Heat that was only made worse by the fact that you were in a fucking HOLE
>It was hot
>REALLY hot
>The kind of hot where most people would be hiding indoors
>In fact you couldn't help but notice that there wasn't a little horse in sight walking the streets
>Seemed like everyone was tucked away in their houses lying in front of their magic air conditioners
>Like a bunch of smart little pone's
>Which meant that this was the PERFECT time to dig up this fucking hole
>Sure you were soaked with sweat and miserable and you were going to have some fucking wicked sunburn on the back of your neck but no one was outside
>No little horses out to try to dig your hole
>Or try to wrestle you or whatever the fuck Celestia was doing to you this morning
>You were free and in the clear!
>All you needed to do was suck it up, be a man, and dig, dig, DIG
>...
>...
>...
>By odin's hairy BALLS was this going to be awful...
>Still grumbling to yourself you continue to dig
"Come on, Anon," you mutter to yourself. "You've done shit a thousand times as hard as this when you were twice as miserable! This heat ain't shit! In fact it's fucking COLD out right now and--"
>"By the stars! It's sweltering out!"
>You pause for a second, just closing your eyes and putting your head down onto the backend of your shovel
>Oh sweet babby Jesus not right now...
>You didn't want to deal with anyone when it was THIS fucking hot outside!
>You just stay as you are for a moment before your mystery speaker loudly clears their throat
>"Ahem, I said, 'By the stars! It's sweltering out.' "
>...I heard you the first fucking time...
>Not even bothering to try and act civil you wrench your head up
"WHAT?!"
>You look up to see Celestia, Luna, and Twilot all looking at you from the otherside of your fence
>Both Celestia and Luna were missing their royal nick-knacks and their manes were tied up in pony tails and their tails were braided
>But that wasn't all folks!
>Celestia, from what you could see from the safety of your little hole, had replaced her royal regalia with something more... appropriate for this fucking HEAT
>And by "appropriate" you meant that she was KINDA dressed up like a whore
>A pony whore
>A whorny
>...Man is this sun fucking with you...
>The Princess in question was wearing what looked like a yellow g-string-- that looked like it was two sized too small since it was straining against her massive ass-- with this weird seashell string thingy that was wrapped around her waist
>...
>...
>...
>You know what?
>You'll take back what you said about her looking like a whore
>It actually didn't look all that bad...
>In fact it looked pretty alright in her
>She almost made the look kinda classy
>Like one of those fancy whores that basketball players hire for the night to take to places and shit
>Moonbottom was wearing a simple dark blue swimsuit bottom with the same weird string thingy around her waist except instead of seashells it had these metal moon looking things on them
>But Twilight...
>Oh sweet babby Jesus...
>Even though it was like a thousand fucking degrees outside and you were sweaty and hot and miserable you couldn't help but smile as you looked at the little purple princess that was leaning on your fence with a nervous smile
>While Celestia was skirting risque to its uttermost degree, and Luna's outfit was conservative, Book horse had gone about as conservative as you could get
>The little mare had on a dark purple one piece that looked just a bit too loose on her widdle body and, for some (probably adorable) reason, she had on a pair of water wings
>Little ducky water wings
>Hnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnggggggg.....
>Your heart could hardly take it!
>You very nearly clench your chest but you stop yourself
>No
>You can't show weakness in front of the horses
>They'd be on you like a pack of piranhas...
>The three princesses look away from you the second you look up at them
>"Luna, my sister!" Celestia says, turning to Wuna. "It is ever so hot out here."
>Luna nods while you try to keep from groaning
>"Yes, Sister it is very-"
>She looks down at her hoof
"-warm outside, as you have just observed! In fact we all might melt if we do not do something to-"
>She once again looks down at her hoof, her lips moving
>"-cool ourselves off!"
>Twilight balances herself on her back legs and throws her hooves up into the air
>"But WHAT could we use to cool ourselves off?"
>Is this...
>Is...
>What is...
>For fuck's sake it sounds like the three of them are reading off a fucking script!
>The three princess hum loudly before Celestia throws a hoof up into the air
>"Wait! I have an idea!"
>The alicorn's horn glows, and there's a pop, and a medium sized plastic kiddie pool appears in your yard
>Is this real life?...
>"We can use THIS to cool ourselves off!"
>Luna slaps her sister on the back
>"Excellent idea-"
>She looks down at her hoof and you find yourself frowning
"If you're going to stand in front of my house and do some weird theatrical shit the least you could do is learn your "lines" and not put them on your fucking hoof!" you call out
>The princesses act like they hadn't heard you, Luna continuing without missing a beat
"-Sister! We can use this to beat the heat!"
>You don't even bother to stop them as they all leap over your fence and make their way over to the little pool that was just a few feet away from you
>This feels like it's going to be one hell of a shit show
>And you just HAD to watch to see what happened
>The Pone princesses happily trot over to the kiddie pool (still pretending that you weren't there)
>There's another flash of magic and three lounge chairs, and umbrella, and a small metal table with some assorted goodies appear next to it
>...Of course they didn't put the umbrella where YOU'D get a little bit of shade...
>Twiggy awkwardly rolls into the pool as Celestia and Luna stand by the little table with their asses presented to you
>Tails out of the way and everything
>"Ah yes, this was just what I needed, my dear sister!" Luna says robotically. "But I do believe I would enjoy a quick bite to eat and a frosty beverage before venturing into the pool!"
>"I could go for something to eat as well, Luna!" Celestia says, her eyes scanning all of the consumables
>All which looked awfully phallic in nature, you couldn't help but note
>"I think that I will have this long, HARD banana here!"
>Sunhoesr gives her big behind a little wiggle as she peels her banana
>"Boy does it look tasty~"
>Celestia turns her head (making sure to give you the best view no doubt) before going to town on the piece of fruit held in her magic
> The sun glistens off the sweat on her boys as she rubs her lips along the tip of the banana before her tongue starts to tease the "crown"
>"Oh I do so love having long and hard things to gobble up," she says to no "one in particular" as she takes a bite out of her treat. "I enjoy it so much that if anypony just so happened to present something LONG and HARD to me it'd spend all day and night gobbling it up with a smile on my face!"
>Luna, now obviously trying to look at you out of the corner of her eye, picks up a cucumber
>"Yes! I just so happened to enjoy putting long and hard things into my mouth as well, Sister!"
>She tries to put the cucumber into her mouth but it's just a bit too big and she just ends up gnawing on the first half inch of it
>"I also would be more than happy to listen to a stallion's problems or what have you; especially stallions that were interesting and handsome and had an eye for fashion!"
>Twilot pokes her head out of the pool
>"It is a shame that there isn't a stallion that would let the three of us take care of all of his needs while he tries to beat this heat!"
>"It is a shame, that's what that is!" Celestia added, now looking at you out of the corner of her eye as well. "We're all right here willing to do whatever a stallion would just so happen to what to do with us!"
>"It is a shame that there's nopony that was all hot and-"
"Will you stop looking at your fuckin--"
>"-AND SWEATY THAT us three beautiful mares, who are good listeners and good cooks and whatever else a stallion might like, could look after and pamper on this hot, hot afternoon!" Luna finishes
>Celestia once again shakes her ass, as does Luna
>And you were sure sure Twiggy would be shaking what her mother gave her if she wasn't in that pull right now
>You just look at the three of them, just letting all of... THIS sit
>After about a minute all three of them finally turn to look at you
>...Anonymous?" Luna says, her butts still gently shaking
>You lean on your shovel
"Yes Princess Luna?"
>"Art thou aroused?"
>You make a point of looking down at your crotch
"Nope. I'm as hard as a wet noodle right now."
>Celestia gives you what you think are bedroom eyes
>"Well, if you just get out of that dirty hole of yours the three of us would be more than happy to remedy that~"
>Luna waves the cucumber that she was trying to eat around
>"Wouldst thou enjoy watching us fellate this vegetable some more?"
>Twilight nervously smiles at your bored expression
>"H-How about it, Anon? Don't you want to be pampered by three--"
"Twi?"
>Twilight gulps while she runs her hooves along the edge of the pool
>"Y-Yes Anon?"
"Why are you wearing water wings in that kiddie pool?"
>Book horse looks down at you floaties, blushes, and looks down at the ground
>"W-Well... I don't swim very well so I thought it'd be safer to have them on then not to have them on..."
>Aw...
>It was kind of dumb that she wore them in a kiddie pool that was like two and a half feet deep
>But aw...
"Alright then."
>You smack your lips loudly, not looking at anything particular, before once again letting the conversation descent back into awkward silence
>Sun horse rocks back and forth and Moonbottom frowns
>"Anonymous, we--"
"Get the fuck off my property with ALL of this bullshit."
>Twilight's eyes widen, and she opens her mouth to say something, but then Luna interrupts her with an angry snort
>"Nah! We will not "fuck off" as thou demand, Anonymous!"
>She starts stomping toward you
>"We three hath offered thou pleasures beyond thy understanding and comprehension!"
>Standing at the foot of your hole she pokes your chest
>"Any stallion of a right mind would KILL to be looked after by three of the most beautiful mares in the whole world!"
>She wiggles her flank so hard that she very nearly tears her swimsuit bottom
>"Especially dressed as we were! Look upon us mortal! For we art scantily dressed for thy benefit!"
>She continues to poke you while you just look up at her blankly while leaning on your shovel
>"So We believe that we will stay here until thou get out of that wretched hole so that we may copulate with thee until exhaustion, where we will then finish digging this hole!"
>Looking down at you like you were the scum of the earth, Luna leans down and presses her nose against yours, daring you to tell her to fuck off
>Was...
>Was that really their plan?
>Puff
>Where the hell did they get that from?
>Some shitty romance novel?
>Keks4daysson
>Keking internally you regard the angry widdle horse in front of you for a moment or two
>She wanted to play chicken?
>Alright then, you'll fucking play chicken
>In fact you'll do her one better
>This horse didn't know who she was fucking with
"Oh really? So that's how it's gonna be then is it?"
>"Aye."
>Nodding you let go or your shovel and stand to your full height
"Alright then, allow me to retort..."
 
BE RAINBOW DASH
>Tiredly dragging yourself into your bedroom after a double shift as a weather mare
>Your asshole boss had made you fly all the way over to Dodge Junction to help with a pretty nasty thunderstorm
>So were tired, you were soaked, and your mane was a mess
>And you weren't even going to THINK about your mane and tail...
>Ugh...
>...Did you mention that you were tired?
>Cause you were
>So tired in fact that you didn't even bother to bathe or brush your teeth or even get out of your uniform as you dragged your sorry kiester to your soft, inviting bed
>With a happy little groan you flop down on it and close your eyes
>Yeah
>That's the bucking stuff right there...
>You close you eyes, ready for--
>"AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!"
>Your eyes snap one as a blue blur flies through your bedroom wall, streaks across into your other bedroom wall, and disappears, all in the snap of a second
>Your ears perk up, and you can still hear the sounds of screaming and cursing before it fades off into the distance
>Well...
>That was... something
>Since you live in a cloud house the clouds simply wiggle around a bit before returning to their wall-y state
>...
>...
>...
>...As you were saying, you close your eyes, ready to hit the hay
>Celestia knows that you bucking deserve it...
 
BE TWILIGHT SPONGNARKLE BOB BOOKPANTS
"Are you sure that this is going to work, Princess?"
>"Of course I'm sure, Twilight. This little ditty here's helped me out of a jam more than once."
>You can't help but eye the big wooden pony that you're dragging behind you with a mixture of concern and doubt
"But... there's holes all through it and it looks like a lot of the wood's rotten..."
>Deep from within the bowels of the two story tall wooden horse you could hear a snort
>"Well of course the Neighgen horse is a little... weathered. It HAS to be well over eighteen hundred years old!"
"Wait! This is actually the ORIGINAL Neighgen horse?! The one that helped you conquer the Broadshire Empire?!"
>"Yep!" your teacher chirps from within the wooden beast in a prideful tone. "It took a bit of leg twisting for the Canterlot Museum to lend it to me but I just HAD to have it for this."
>Your teacher tapped the wooden pony's stomach from within
>"It didn't let me down in Broadshire, it didn't let me down when I invaded the Gryphons, it didn't let me down when I sieged the Diamond dog capital, and it won't let me down here."
>...Well
>She's not WRONG
>But just look at this thing!
>It looked like one light tap would send this thing crashing down!
"...Maybe we should try to fix it up a little before trying this, Princess?" you helpfully suggest. "I don't think Anon would want something like this when it's so broken..."
>The Princess guffawed
>"Oh, just trust me my dear student when I say that this will work like a charm."
>You could hear her moving around the hollowed out wooden pony, probably trying to get comfortable
>Frankly, you were surprised that she'd be able to fix at all (what with the secret compartment being so small and all) it looked like it could barely keep a foal inside it, much less a full grown alicorn
>But somehow she managed to squeeze herself into it so you HAD to give her credit for that
>...Now the problem with that plan of hers was that she was going to have to somehow get out of the thing...
>THAT was going to be one heck of a thing to see
>Hopefully she had some lube or something in there to help her with that
>"We'll leave this in Anon's front yard, he'll think that we left and that this is an offering to the gods for a safe return home and he'll take it inside his yard so he can use this "gift" to gain the gods favor, and when he least suspects it we'll jump out and hogtie him before he knows what's happening!
>Though you can't see your teacher you know she's smiling
>"I've done this a thousand times. Just trust me my dear student."
>Another snort came out of the giant pony that you were lugging along with your magic
>"We do not understand why thy enemies didn't grow wiser to thy tactics, dear sister. One would think they would learn after you used this horse for the third or fourth time."
>Celestia giggled
>"It's very hard to outthink a military genius like myself, Luna."
>"...If thou art a military mastermind then we fear for this world..."
>"HEY! You take that back, Luna!"
>"...Nay.Thy plan is bad and thou should feel bad for it and--OW! DO NOT HIT US!"
>"Then don't tell me or my Neighgen horse is dum--HEY! DON'T YOU BUCKING START TRYING TO BITE!"
>You know...
>You don't want to shit all over your teacher or anything but you don't think that this "plan" was going work all that well
>You flinch as one of the princesses hooves breaks through part of the giant pony's belly
>"OH! NOW LOOK AT WHAT YOU DID!"
>"WHAT I DID?! IT WAS YOUR FAULT THAT--"
"Could you two please keep it down?" you beg, feeling the begins of a headache coming on. "We're going to be there in a minute or two!"
>"...Yeah. Be quiet, Luna."
>"Shut thy trap or we will strike thee again, Sister."
>Now that you don't have to listen to a shouting match you do your best to think over what you had to do
>And on paper your task was a pretty simple one
>All you needed to do was to get this wooden pony in Anon's front yard and run away before he saw you
>But off paper there were...
>Problems
>Big ones
>Like how you were going to get this GIANT, CREAKY WOODEN HORSE into his yard
>A wooden horse that was, at the very least, two stories tall and almost wider than this whole street
>...Well, you could cast an illusion spell on the thing and maybe a noise dampening charm
>And as long as the princesses managed to keep quiet and you were fast enough to be--
>...
>...
>...
>What the hay is that?
>As you turn the corner on the end of the street to Anon's house you see what looked like two ponies standing in front of Anon's house facing outward
>And it also looked like they were wearing... armor?
>...
>...
>...
>Wot?
>Oh you just HAD to see what the hay that was about...
>Almost without thinking about it you cast your cloaking spell and your dampening spell on the wooden pony while picking up your pace a little
>Remember to act like you weren't using your magic to carry a two ton giant wooden horse behind you
>You were just Twilight Sparkle, the Princess of Friendship, and you had decided to take a walk down this particular street for... reasons
>And ease up on the smile filly
>You want to look normal, not like you've just murdered a bunch of ponies and stuffed them under your bed
>...Wow
>That got a dark a bit too fast
>Maybe you should go ahead and ease up on the horror novels for a little while...
>With each step closer to Anon's house you're able to see the two mystery ponies just a little bit better
>When you were at the end of the street they looked like to armored sentinels that were unmoving and still as statues
>When you had gotten about halfway down the street you could see that one of the ponies was hopping around while the other just looked kind of defeated and irritated
>Not to mention that there armor was looking a LOT less like real, metal armor, with each step
>It kind of almost looked plastic-y and...
>It...
>Wha...
>Were those hoofball shoulder pads and helmets?
>...
>...
>...
>Alright
>What the hay was going on over there?
>When you were about fifty feet from the house you finally got your answer
>There, standing at (at least to the best of their ability) attention and holding a broom and a feather duster respectfully, were Lyra and Bon Bon
>...Wat?
>Lyra manages to spot you first, the bubbly mare almost dropping her duster as she waved
>"Hiya Twilight! How's it going?"
>With an awkward and nervous smile you keep walking toward the two of them until you were just a few feet away
>Ohsweetstarsplsdon'tletthemseethewoodenpone
"Oh hello Bon Bon, Lyra," you say as casually as you can manage. "How's it going."
>Bon Bon, looking about as irritated and grumpy as you've ever seen her, grunts before going back to looking at nothing in particular
>Lyra shoves the pouty earth pony
>"Aw come on Bonnie, don't act like that!"
>"...Don't you tell me what to do..."
>With a giggle and a roll of her eyes Lyra looks back over at you
>"I'm sorry, Princess, Bonnie's in another one of her MOODS. We're both fine though; thank you for asking."
>Doing your best to look inconspicuous you look past the two
>A bit of a ways in the yard you can still see Anon throwing dirt over his shoulder
>Which meant that he was still here
>And since he wasn't yelling that also meant that he hadn't seen you yet
>Good
>Letthegamesbegin.png
>Awkwardly coughing, you once again look at the two ponies blocking your way
"Well... it IS nice to see you two but I really--"
>You try to take a step forward but Bon Bon and Lyra block you with their "weapons"
>"I'm sorry princess, but we can't let you in," Lyra says apologetically, using the tip of her duster to gently push you back
"Wait, why?!" you demand with a stomp of the hoof
>Lyra shrugged
>"Because Anon told us to keep everypony out until he finished digging his hole."
>She giggled again, her helmet sliding down her face
>"He said that I'd get to play with his hands if we helped him!"
>You look over at Bon Bon
"...And what did he offer you, Bon Bon?"
>The mare's eyes narrowed and she turned and glared at Lyra
>"Lyra MADE me come with her."
>She crossed her hooves
>"I don't even want to help that bucking monkey..."
>Wait
>When the hay did Anon get out and...
>No that doesn't matter!
>Think of the mission, Twilight!
>Remember what the hay you still have TO DO!
>Though you try to keep a smile on your face you're fidgeting
>It's only a matter of time before Anon looks up!
>And if he looked up this mission was a bust
>You needed to get these two silly mares out of the way ASAP!
>Now frowning you stand tall and puff your chest out
"I'm sorry you two but I'm going to have to insist that you move."
>You gesture to the yard
"I need to get into Anonymous's yard for... reasons..."
>10/10
>You got that 100 speech filly
>Bon Bon and Lyra look at each other
>"I'm... sorry Princess but we still can't help you out."
>With a cheery smile on her face Lyra points at a small wooden sign that was in the middle of the yard
>...How the BUCK didn't you see that thing?
>It's right in the middle of the bucking yard!
>...Maybe you should go and get your eyes checked...
>"...Um Bonny? What did Anon want us to say if one of the princesses came by?"
>Bon Bon groaned and rolled her eyes before looking into yours
>"Your authority is not recognized in fort kickass."
>Sure enough, written in what looked like magic marker, were the words, "FORT KICKASS"
>...Wait
>Anon's house isn't a fort
>There weren't walls or gates or anything that would make it even closely resemble a fort!
>And even if he was talking about his hole he'd probably have to call it a tench sinc...
>What
>Why the buck are you even thinking about this?!
>You didn't have time to THINK
>You only had time to COMPLETE THE MISSION!
"Lyra, get the buck out of the way!" you snap, irritated. "And THAT isn't a fort! That's a hole!"
>Lyra hummed thoughtfully
>"...You know what? You're right!"
>She looked over her shoulder in Anon's direction
>"Hey Anon!"
>"What!"
>"Princess Twilight's here!"
>"Did you tell her to fuck off?"
>"No, We told her what you told us to tell her!"
"Guys plea--"
>"Did she leave?"
>"No!"
>"Then tell her to fuck off then!"
>Bon Bon and Lyra look at each other while you consider running away
>Your cover was blown so you--
>"I'll tell her in a second but she said the same thing I told you a little while ago!"
>Anon finally poked his head out from his hole, and even from here you could see a frown on his face
>"That bullshit about how I should change the sign?"
>Lyra nods
>Yeah! It's not NOT a fort! It's more of a trench... thing!"
>Anon throws his hands up
>"Then fucking CHANGE it! I'm not going to argue with you!"
>"Alright!" Lyra chirped, spinning around
>You and Bon Bon watched as Lyra walked over to the sign, magicked herself up a black magic marker, X'ed out the FORT and Wrote the word TRENCH above it
>"Alright Anon, I changed the sign!"
>Shaking his head Anon went back to his digging
>"Good for you! Now tell book horse over there to fuck off!"
>Nodding once again Lyra trotted back over and stood back in front of you
"...Lyra--"
>"Fuck off!"
>...
>...
>...
>Is this real life?
>Is this really rea--
>"Luna, can you see what's going on?"
>"Nay, sister."
>"But there's a big hole to the left of your head."
>"Truly? Where?"
>"Right there! You just make it like a minute ago! Are you blind or--"
 
CRACK!
 
>You watch with a twitching eye as, with a thunderous crash, both your teacher and Princess Luna come flying out of the invisible wood pony in a spray of splinters
>"Oh horseap--OMPH!"
>You find yourself sitting down on your rump as Celestia hit the ground with a loud and painful sounding thud, not even getting a second to collect herself as Luna crashed into her
 
SNAP!
 
>"Muh breadsticks!"
>"Our rump!"
>"Hiya Princess Luna, Princess Celestia!" Lyra said with a little wave, seemingly unphased at the sight before her. "... Oh wait... HEY ANON!"
>"WHAT?"
>"DO WE NEED TO TELL THE OTHER PRINCESSES TO FUCK OFF TOO OR WAS IT JUST TWILIGHT?"
>"TELL EM ALL TO FUCK OFF! NO HORSE PRINCESSES IN TRENCH AWESOME SAUCE OR WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU CALLED IT!"
>Lyra nodded, her golden eyes once again meeting yours
>She was the picture of innocence and happiness you were about ready to walk over to a random building and keep hitting your head against it until either your skull or the wall broke
>"Fuc--"
"No, fuck YOU, Lyra!"
>Something just... snapped inside of you and you find yourself seeing red
"FUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOOOOUUUUUU! I DON"T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS BUT FUCK. YOU!"
>Bon Bon snorted
>"No, fuck you you purple chubby smelling-like-old-books curd sniffer."
>She pushed you away from Lyra with her broom
>"You better back up before you get smacked up purple drank."
>Grinding your teeth you turn your attention toward Bon Bon
>A mare that just so happened to buck RIGHT UP just now!
>Spreading out your wings you take a step toward the bored-looking earth pony
>Is Twilight gonna have to smack a bucking filly?
>...
>...
>...
>It looks like Twilight motherbucking Sparkle's gonna need to smack a--
>"Ahem, excuse me. Excuse me!"
>You, Bon Bon, and Lyra look over to see a mare with a construction workers helmet on
>Behind her there were a group of mares wearing similar helmets carrying a great big metal... thing
>...Wait
>Is that?...
>The mare looked down at a clipboard
>"This wouldn't happen to the residence of Anon Y. Mous is it?"
>You just stare at the mare for a moment, your anger slowly draining out of you
"...Yes, yes it is," you say, pointing toward Anon. "He's right over there..."
>The mare nods, scribbling something on her clipboard
>"Great. This is the house girls! Bring the tank over!"
 
BE ANON
>You couldn't help but feel a bit giddy
>You were almost done with this FUCKING HOLE
>You must have had less than half a foot to dig up before you were done!
>Which meant that just a bit more digging and you could get this fucking tank out!
>No more noisy ponies
>No more fucking around beating yourself up outside
>You could just lie around, enjoy a frosty beverage or two and--
>"Excuse me, Mr. Anonymous?"
>Oi?
>What the hell's this?
>That didn't sound like any pone that you knew
>You look up and see a little horse wearing a hard hat and holding a clipboard walking toward you
>And behind her...
"Holy shit finally!"
>Grinning, you climb out of your hole
>Looking around you see, Lyra, and Bon Bon the destroyer of worlds, and the three princesses, all standing on the other end of your fence watching you
>Princesses that DIDN'T fuck with your hole!
>HAH!
>They didn't DO SHIT!
>You did it
>You fucking did it!
>YEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!
"So is this my tank?"
>The little worker pone looks down at her clipboard and nods
>"Yep, I'm sorry that it took a bit longer than it we had originally told you," she says, not sounding very sorry about it at all. "We've been kind of swamped and--"
>With a chuckle you pat her on her widdle head
"Don't worry about any of that," you interrupt, pawing at her clipboard. "Just let me sign whatever the hell I need to sign so I can get this thing put in the ground!"
>She moved her clipboard away with an irritated frown
>"Well you wouldn't happen to have your old septic tank out would you?"
>She looked around your yard
>"My clipboard here says that we're supposed to take your old tank away but you need to get it out of the ground yourself before we can do that."
>The smile on your face lessens just a bit
"...Really?"
>You had kinda figured that they'd get it out of the ground for you
>I mean, how was someone gonna pull one of those things out of a fucking ten foot hole by themselves without professional help?
>The mare nodded again
>"Yep, technically we don't even need to take it off your property expect if you pay for the service but since we're so late and my boss doesn't want you going to her office and yelling her ear off she decided to throw that service in for free."
>She finally looked up from her clipboard to look at you
>"So do you have it out or not?"
>...
>...
>...
>...Fuck
>You open your mouth, only to close it again a second later
"Well... you see..."
>Someone to your left loudly clears your throat
>"Actually, I'd be more than happy to help with that..."
>Both you and the blue collar pone look over to see Sunny buns, Wuna, and Purple Nerple smiling at you
>Celestia takes a step forward, nudging her head toward your hole
>"...If you'd like Anon..."
>...Alright
>Now you have a hell of a choice, Anon
>You could let Sun Hoers lift up your tank and save you what was probably going to be a hell of a job
>Or you could figure out how to lift what was probably a two ton metal tank out of a ten foot deep hole using nothing but your wits, grit, and tuffness
>...
>...
>...
>Aw shit
>Celestia's giving you "the face"
>You know, the kind of face that put a roomful of puppies and kitties to shame
>...AND her lip's sticking out
>FUCK!
>...
>...
>...
>And now all of them are doing it...
>Come on, Anon
>You gotta resist
>You gotta...
>You...
>Yo...
>...
>...
>...
>Fuck...
"... I'd appreciate the help, Princess," you say, though you're trying your hardest not to sound happy about it
>The princesses squee and Twilight looks like she's about ready to leap at you but they all somehow manage to reign it in
>Barely
>With a smile Celestia leapt over the fence and trotted to your side, looking as pleased as punch
>"Well then, I'd be more than happy to help!" she chirps as you look back down at the construction pone
"Alright then... so can I sign whatever the hell I need to sign?" you asked
>She nodded, handing you her clipboard
>"Alright... I don't know what the hays going on but... here you go!"
>God dammit...
>You REALLY didn't want any of these little horses helping...
>But...
>Eh
>What the fuck were you going to do?
>Pretty much all they were going to do was dig up a tiny bit of dirt and that tank out
>You still did pretty much all of the work
>So that took most of the sting out of it...
>"So if you'll just sign on the dotted line then we can hand over your large septic tank and..."
>Wait
>A LARGE septic tank?
>With wide eyes you quickly read over the clipboard
>Son of a fucking BITCH!
>They brought you the wrong fucking tank!
>These. Little. Niggers. Brought. You. The. Wrong. Tank!
>A growl escapes your throat as you drop the clipboard, lean down, grab the little hard hat pone, and lift her up
"You motherfucker's brought me the wrong tank," you snarl as the mare yelps in surprise
>"W-What are you talking about?"
>You give the little horse a little shake as Celestia steps away from you in surprise
>Visions of the last few days flash through your mind
>The sleepless nights
>The ponies harassing you
>Having to piss in jars so you didn't have to leave your FUCKING POST!
"I ORDERED a normal sized tank," you growl, the edges of your vision turning red. "Not a fucking giant one!"
>The pone in your arms blinks
>"...Really?" she asked in surprise, looking over her shoulder at the other little horses carrying the tank that you couldn't FUCKING USE!
>"I guess that that kind of makes sense since tanks this big are usually for buildings that have more than one--"
>The mares yelps as you shake her around a bit
"Look, I don't give a fuck about all of that BULLLLLSHIT!"
>The little pone yelps once again as you drop her roughly to the ground
"Just go back to your warehouse or hidey hole or wherever the FUCK you keep these tanks and go and get me the one that I ACTUALLY ORDERED!"
>Looking more than a bit nervous, the widdle mare adjusts the helmet on her head and scrambles to her hooves
>"W-Well there might be a-a little p-problem with that..."
>Your eyes narrow and you take a step toward the now retreating mare
"And WHAT do you mean by that?"
>"Well... We may not have another normal sized septic tank..."
>"WHAT? How the hell do you--"
>"I'm sorry, I'm SORRY! If you just check my clipboard!... There's a list of our inventory and..."
"So that means I have to TAKE THIS FUCKING THING?!"
>Celestia steps in your way as you take another step toward hard hat pone
>"Anonymous, please just--"
>You try to walk about her but her wings spread out, effectively blocking you as the cowardly little pone practically runs back to her other work horses
"DO I?!"
>"W-Well we can either give you this one or you could wait the few weeks until we get a new shipment in and--
>Alright
>Maybe there's a way you could salvage this
>So what if the tanks to fucking big for your house?
>You still should be able to use it right?
"Could you just leave the fucking tank here so I can use this one?" you ask. "You can come and get the other one after I dug out the extra--"
>"A-Actually, we're not a-allowed to l-leave a tank h-here out in the o-open."
>Looking a hell of a lot paler than she had when she had come in here the mare hopped over your fence
>"I-It's company policy a-and we c-could get in a-a lot of trouble i-if we did it. S-So I'm sorry but we're going to h-have to t-take the t-tank back u-until you--"
>You couldn't help it
>After realizing that all of your work had JUST been fucked over
>That there was a good chance you had a hell of a lot more work ahead of you in the upcoming days
>Along with more horse harassing
>And sleepless nights
>And pissing in jars that you may or may not be tossing at horses whenever they walk by
>You just kind of...
>Snap
"RRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
 
BE CELESTIA
>Also be scared, confused, and holding your hooves to your ears to block out whatever the... sound Anon was making
"ANON!"
>"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE--"
"ANON!"
>Gritting your teeth you force yourself to take a step forward
>The sheer force of his scream almost sends you skidding back but you dig your hooves in
>"EEEEEEEEEEEEE--"
>All around you you would see the sky getting dark and stormy
>And was your sun turning blood red?
>Ohs hit filly
>You had to do something!
>Come on now Celestia
>You HAD to stop this yelling
>Ponies were going to be wondering why their windows were rattling
>...And why it looked like the world was ending
>You really didn't want to bother anypony with that
"ANON! STOP. YELLING. RIGHT. NOW!"
>Looking up you see that Anon has his legs spread wide, his head thrown back, and...
>Were his irises white?
>...Whatever
>Ugonnatackleacoltnow!
>With a battlecry you charge forward and, moving your horn out of the way so you don't impale poor Anon, you tackle the human to the ground
>You think you hear your student gasping behind you but you're too busy using your magic to close Anon's mouth to really take notice
"ANON!"
>"THmpmepromfep!"
"ANON! CALM DOWN, SWEET GODS ABOVE CALM DOWN!"
>"THPRMERNERPFENRPOE!"
>Mind racing you lift up a hoof and bring it back
>Celestia'sgonnahavetosmackacolt!!!
>Grityourteethson!
 
SLAP!
 
>...
>...
>...
>Oh no...
>NO STOP!
>Time seems to slow as your hoof connects with Anon's cheek
>You...
>You just hit a stallion...
>Ohholyhorseseedyoujusthita--
>"Who, what, where?" Anon cries, his eyes returning to normal as he looked around dazed. "The moon landing was fake, Ronald Reagan was the devil, the illuminati are real and--"
>Anon stops his squirming when he sees you standing over him with an open mouth, your brain still processing the fact that you had JUST hit a stallion
>And you hit him because he was noisy no less!
>You had just committed one of the most horrible nd deequinizing acts a mare could do to a stallion
>You were a fiend
>A monster
>Sweet gods above, you've thrown mares behind bars for what you just did!
>Now'sthetimeforpanic!
>NOW'STHETIMEFORPANIC!!!!
>What were you going to do?!
>Whatwereyougoingtodo?!
>You didn't mean to HIT HIM!
>He just wasn't listening and you wanted him to stop yelling and--
>...
>...
>...
>Holy motherbucking horse apples...
>You were a BAD PONY!
>A BAD, BAD, BAD PONY!
>You had to figure out a way to make this up to Anon!
>You had to, you had to--
"EPP!"
>Your wings flap in surprise as Anon (who had somehow managed to roll away from you and get to his feet while you weren't looking) grabbed you by the scruff of the neck and lifted you into the air
>"Where the FUCK did those worker ponies go?" he growled, looking around
>You couldn't help but look up at him wide-eyed
>Why wasn't he crying or screaming?!
>You JUST hit him!
>Like the evil, horrible, terrible mare that you were!
>Sure he looked mad, maybe matter than you've ever seen him, but--
>You yelp once again and he brings you close to his face
>Even now you couldn't help but marvel the strength in those arms
>"Celestia."
>You can't help but flinch when you heard the pure, unadulterated rage in his voice
"A-Anon?"
>"Where. Did. The. Fucking. Work. Ponies. Run. Off. Too?"
>A quiet whimper escapes your throat
>You could see the red mark on Anon's cheek where you hit him...
>You bet it still stung
>And maybe worse...
>You, a mare that had sworn to protect all that were under your care, had struck a defenseless stallion for no gosh darn reason
>...
>...
>...
>Which meant that, along with being a bad pony you were a bad princess...
>You blink when you feel the beginnings of tears starting to form in the corners of your eyes
>Hey now
>Don't you bucking cry
>DON'T CRY
>Even though you just did something that would make your mother and father ashamed and make your subjects horrified and...
>And...
"A-Anon?"
>The human's gaze softens when he hears you sniffle
>He gently put you down, got down on one knee, and put his hands on your shoulders
>"Celestia? Are you alright there?"
>He was asking YOU if you were alright?
>YOU weren't the one that just got s-slapped by a cruel, uncaring, evil--
"ANONI-I'MSORRY!"
 
BE ANONYMOUS: THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS
>A few moments ago you had been angry
>Hell, you might have been angrier than you've ever been in your life
>And in your righteous fury you had been more than ready to drag that little construction worker pone and her little posse all the way back to their boss so you could put her over your knee, then the work ponies, then the boss again, until you had the septic tank that you HAD FUCKING ORDERED GOD DAMNIT!
>But it looked like you rage had gotten the better of you
>The little horses and their little hard hats had disappeared to parts unknown, you had a crying sun horse blabbering into your ear as she hugged you, and for some reason you wanted chicken tenders
>...And there was something about normal people but what the fuck ever about that...
>But do you want to know the real kicker about this?
>The kicker was that you REALLY didn't really know what had... happened
>The construction ponies running off and sun horse part; you knew why the hell you had been pissed off
>Sweet lord almighty did you know about that!
>...But after that little mare with her clipboard told you you were basically fucked all you remember was seeing red and then...
>Nothing...
>...
>...
>...
>Did you go fucking bonkers or something?
>Because that's what it kind of feels like wh--
>"Oh A-Anon! I didn't mean to hurt y-you!"
>You blink as a big pair of purplish-pinkish-whateverthefuckish eyes invade your vision
>Real close like
>A bit too close in fact
>Almost reflexively, you gently move the face and those big, pretty, sad eyes away so you could get a proper look at Princess McEatscakealot
>The big mare had tears streaming down her face, her ears were pinned against the side of her head, her nose was running, her usually immaculate coat was smudged and dirty, and her wings were drooped onto the ground
>Sunhoesr, for all intents and purposes, looked like you had just killed a truck load of puppies in front of her
>Adorable puppies that she had spent the entire day naming and playing with before their demise
>She looked sad
>So sad in fact that she was damn near making you sad
>Almost like you were the one that made her sad so now you should feel as sad as she felt
>Like osmosis sadness or some shit
>And you didn't want to be sad
>You wanted to be upset and pissy and throw ponies around because you were a rage-filled monster of destruction
>And there's no way in hell you can be that when you have a sad pone holding onto you for dear life while crying her eyes out!
>Though you're more than a bit confused as to why Celestia was latched onto you balling little a itsy-bitsy little babby you couldn't help but give the widdle big pony a hug
"What the hell's gotten into you?" You ask, using one of your hands to clean up her face as best as you can
>Celestia sniffles, her eyes widening
>"Oh sweet stars above! I must have hit you so hard that I t-traumatized you!"
>A sob escapes the princess's throat
>"I t-traumatized you so n-now you don't even r-remember that I h-hit you!"
>Now shaking, Celestia's grip on you tightens
>"A-Anon! I'm s-sorry t-that I'm a B-BAD PONY!"
>You rock the poor princess back and forth as your brow furrows in thought
>Sunny buns hit you?
>...Huh
>That explains why your cheek stings a bit...
>But you don't know why the hell she's so beaten up about it
>She was a pretty reasonable/thoughtful horse god
>If she actually bopped you one than there was a good chance that you deserved it...
>You were a bit of a dick on occasion after all
"There, there," you murmur, patting her back while she sobbed and cried and got snot and tears everywhere.
>And by everywhere you meant all over you
"It's alright, it's alright..."
>Out of the corner of your eye you see Darkle and Bafoona looking pretty uncomfortable about everything that was happening
>...Whatever the hell was happening...
>Putting your hand under Celestia's rump so she didn't go ahead and just fall off of you you look down at your hole
>For about a minute
>Before you get pissed the fuck off and looking away from the fucking thing
>Man... FUCK that hole...
>If that fucking hole was a person you'd kick that nigga's ass in the middle of the street, steal his fucking wallet, and then go fucking his girlfriend and video tape that shit
>You worked like a fucking DOG for the last couple days in this fucking hole
>And it goes and tries to fucking you
>But it is YOU who will be doing the fucking!
>So fucking this fucking, fucky, faggot hole!
>You're done!
>DONE!!!!
>...At least for the fucking day anyway
>There was no way in HELL you were doing anymore digging
>You'd probably fucking explode with rage or something
>Looking away from the bane of your existence you look back down at the mare in your arms
>...
>...
>...
>So now that that's decided you had to figure out what the hell to do about all of... this
>"Hey, Anon?"
>Looking to your right you see Lyra and Bon Bon (aka Ms. Grumpy Pone) looking up at you with their widdle helmets and shoulder pads
>God were those little dykes as cute as a couple of buttons
"Yeah? What do you need?"
>"I t-tried to be a g-good ruler b-but if I can't e-even keep s-somepony safe f-from myself w-what kind of a-a princess a-am I?!"
>Murmuring comforting words in Celestia's ear you once again start rocking her back and forth
>Though she continues to cry and moan and belittle herself and all of that shit she quiets down a bit, putting her head on your shoulder and whimpering quietly
>Lyra bites her lip
>"...Would it be alright if Bonnie and me go?"
>She waved around at you awkwardly
>"I know that we said that we'd stay here and watch out for you but--"
"Yeah, yeah, you guys can leave," you say with a wave of a hand. 'I'm probably not going to dig for the rest of the day since I'm so fucking pissed off and it looks like I gotta deal with a crying god horse."
>You reach up and give Celestia's head a scratch
>Sniffling she tiredly nuzzles the side of her head into the nape of your neck
>Aw
>Qt pone is cute
"But thanks for helping anyway, I appreciate it."
>Lyra shifts her weight from her left to her right, refusing to meet your gaze
>"...And the whole 'me playing with your hands thing'..."
>Trying not to roll your eyes you nod
"Yeah, yeah... just come over one day and I'll let you do whatever you want with them."
>Knowing that weird little horse it's probably going to be some fucked up shit
>Some REAL fucked up shit
>With a happy squee, Lyra grabbed Banonononononon and started dragging her out of your yard
>"Awesome! Bye bye 'Nonny, see ya princesses!"
>"Fuck off Anon."
"You two Bon Bon... you cunt..."
>Sweet Christ above do you hate that little candy horse...
 
BE TWILIGHT (not the book) Sparkle
>Right now you are trying your very hardest not to flip the buck out
>Not only had your teacher just HIT a stallion but now she was crying like a little colt
>In front of you and Luna!
>And Anon, the colt she just SMACKED, is trying to comfort her!
>COMFORT HER!!!
>You don't know what to think
>You don't know if you could ever see your teacher in a positive light again!
>Sweet stars above you COULDN'T HANDLE THIS!
>Luna looks like she was in the same boat as you, just staring at the scene in front of the two of you with wide eyes and an open mouth
>What the hay were the two of you supposed to do about this?!
>Did you need to fight your teacher to defend Anon's honor?
>Did you have to go and arrest her?
>Did you have to kill Anon to keep this from getting out?
>You didn't want to KILL a stallion!
>Nor did you want to fight your teacher!
>WhatwereyougonnadowhatwereyougonnadowhatwereyougonnaDO?!
>"Oi, purple, dream horse, get your asses over here," Anon barked, making both you and Luna jump slightly in surprise
>The two of you look at him while he taps a foot impatiently
>Usually you'd be a little indignant about a stallion trying to boss you around like that (and you were sure it was the same with Luna but times a thousand) but all of... everything is just too much
>"Will you quit your fucking gawking and get over here for god's sake?!" Anon snarls, his voice cracking like a whip
>You move so fast that you darn near trip over your hooves and Princess Luna's not too far behind you
"Y-Yes Ano--"
>"I'm going to take the princess here into my house to get her cleaned up," he said, deadly calm. "And I'm not coming out of my fucking house for the rest of the FUCKING day."
>Your nose scrunches up when he reaches over and boops your nose
>"The two of you are going to come into my house with me. On the counter in my kitchen is a bag of bits. One of you are going to teleport or use those wings or some shit like that and you're going to use those bits to go and buy a fuckton of pizza."
>Luna opens her mouth to protest but Anon growls
>"I don't care where the fuck you get it, and as long as there isn't any fucking flowers or hay in the pizza I don't give a shit what the fuck you get on it, but you're going to fucking get it."
>His lips drawing back into a snarl, he does his best to lean down toward you with your teacher in his arms
>"And I swear to every fucking god that I can think of, if I get out of my fucking shower and find one of you little horses trying to dig out that hole over there..."
>He growls again, though this time it sounds deeper...
>Almost animalistic...
>"I. Will. Fucking. Eat. You. Little. Niggas."
>Without waiting for either of you to answer he turns and makes his way toward his door, your teacher still sobbing like a colt holding onto him like her life depended on it
>...
>...
>...
>Wait, why the hay were you jealous that Anon was holding your...
>No
>Come on filly
>You're better than that
>Clearing your throat you turn toward Luna
"...So I know I good place in Canterlot that'll deliver all the way here..."
>Luna doesn't look at you, instead watching as Anon slams his door behind him with possibly the loudest bang that you've ever heard
>"We... We will simply teleport you there," she finally says.
>You slowly nod, looking at the door
>Sweet Faust...
>Did Anon slam his door so hard that it cracked?...
"It'll probably save us an hour or two waiting for them," you say. "And I should be able to teleport all the way back with the pizzas when they're done."
>Luna nods and the two of you just kind of awkwardly stand there, letting everything that just happened seep in for a second
"...Princess?"
>"Yes Twilight Sparkle?"
"Do you really think that Anon would ACTUALLY eat us if we tried to dig up his hole?
>Luna opens her mouth to answer but immediately closes it
>"...Come Twilight," she said, slowly making her way toward Anon's house. "Let us get you those bits so that we may teleport thee to Canterlot. We will stay here and await your arrival."
 
BE ANON
>"A-Anon! You let me get out of this shower this i-instant!"
>And you feel a bit better now that everything had pretty much settled down
>You weren't a hundred precent or anything but you felt alright enough not to bitch too much
>...TOO much
>It must have taken an hour to calm Sunny Buns down and convince her that;
>A: she was not a bad pony nor was she a "colt beater" or whatever the hell she said
>And B: You weren't hurt and you could take a heck of a lot more punishment than her little love tap
>The sweet little horse had insisted again and again that she didn't mean it and that she was sorry and that she'd make it up to you
>You had tried to tell her that it was alright but it was like she didn't hear you
>In fact she kept talking about how she was going to right "this horrible travesty that had to be settled no matter what" with so much fervor and passion that she had followed you into the bathroom while you were trying to take a shower
>You had tried to tell her (as nicely as you could since she still looked a bit tender) to get out of your bathroom but she kept yammering on and on and on
>And, since you had negative fucks to give, you had just kind of let her do her while you got ready for your shower
>She had continued to talk while you, with rolling eyes, stripped down and turned on your shower
>She didn't stop talking when you had hopped into your shower and immediately hopped right the fuck out because it was balls freezing
>But she HAD woken the fuck up when you had picked her up and tossed her into the shower with you
>Since ponies were a bunch of nudist anyways you had figured that Celestia here wouldn't mind if the two of you shared a shower
>She was pretty fucking dirty right now herself and you wanted to save water since you were a cheap bastard
>She'd get cleaned up, you'd have someone to wash your back for you; it'd be a win-win for everyone involved
>But sweet mother Teresa on the hood of a Mercedes Benz were you fucking wrong about that
>Celestia, the second that she had seen that she was in your shower with you and you were in your best birthday suit had, and continued to, freak the fuck out, covering her eyes with her hooves and blushing so hard that half of her body was red
>Plus the demands that she be let out and something or other about "honoring a colts virtue"
>Though it wasn't like she couldn't have just gotten out of the fucking tub anytime she wanted
>But, as stated before, you were tired and grouchy and not giving a fuck about nothin' so you let her huff and puff while you cleaned yourself off
"Will you stop being a fucking baby and wash my fucking back for me?" you demand, a bar of soap and a rag in hand.
>Celestia just shakes her head, sitting in the corner of your shower as she wiggles around this way and that, her wings spreading out and pointing at you almost if she was going to use them to drive you away
>...Bitch
>I can see you fucking peeking over your hooves at a nigga!
>Ain'tnobodygottimeforthat!
>Frowning, you flick her nose
>She epps, her head reeling back and her hooves leaving her face to cover her nose
>"Anon! Don't you--"
>She freezes when she sees you standing there in all of your naked glory
>She tries not look below your waist
>She fails
>And now here you are in the shower with the ruler of a country trying to burn a hole into your junk with how hard she was staring at it
>I'mgettingtoooldforthisshit.pgn
>You sigh
"Yep, you're looking at my dick. There's Regan Mc Dickson right between my legs. Here, watch the little fuck dance a little jig for ya!"
>Celestia blushes even harder when you start helicoptering
>Her eyes follow as you rock this way and that and
>...For fuck's sake...
>Rolling your eyes again you shove the rag and the sopa into one of her hooves and turn around
"Now that we've gotten that out of the way why don't fucking help me out here?"
>You hear Celestia get to her hooves and just kind of stand there for a minute or two-- probably looking at your ass you're guessing-- before you feel a soapy rag on your back
>"...Anon?"
"Yeah?"
>You can't help but sigh as Celestia gently moves the rag in a circular motion all along the top of your back
>Shit felt nice
>"I..."
>She pauses
>"Would you be so kind as to help me wash as well after I've helped you?"
>Looking over your shoulder you see that she's looking away from you and biting her lip
>"Your shower doesn't appear to be big enough for me to move as freely as I need to to properly attend to myself... I promise to do my best not to make it anymore awkward than--"
"Princess?"
>"...Yes Anonymous?"
"You know that the two of us are naked together in a shower right?"
>The blush that had been slowly disappearing from her face returned full force
>"Y-Yes, though I find it HORRIBLY inappropriate and I protest being in here with you--"
"Princess just... shut the fuck up. I'd be more than happy to help wash you off."
>Celestia doesn't answer you, in fact if she wasn't scrubbing you back you'd think she left the shower
>Hell, you could barely hear her breathing and she was only a foot or two away from you!
>You had no idea why the hell she was getting so jumpy about this
>She was like a zillion fucking years old
>She's probably seen thousands of dicks in her time
>Seeing your's was probably just a drop of water in a bucket for her!
>The dick bucket
>Hell, when you had first popped up in Horseland this little princess here herself had asked you why you were even wearing clothes in the first fucking place!
>It's not like you're going to spin around and try to shove your willy in her mouth!
>You know horses aren't for sexual!
>...Fucking jumpy ponies
>The rest of your back washing goes by without a hitch, the big pone princess quietly asking if you'd be so kind as to rinse yourself off before handing you the bar of soap and the rag
>"I-I appreciate your help in advance, Anon," she says as you step past her and nudge her forward and into the water. "I w-wouldn't have asked you if I didn't need any help."
"Hey, don't even worry about it," you tell her, making sure to lather up the rag real good. "Now just get wet so I can start cleaning you up."
>"...Oh I'm wet alright..."
"What was that?"
>"N-Nothing! Nothing at all!"
>Trying not to shake your head at the silly horse in front of you you start cleaning her neck
>She tenses at first, her wings flapping a few times, but after a minute or two of gentle scrubbing she relaxes, even going so hard as you offer more of her neck to you
>"Anon?"
"Hmm?" you absentmindedly say, using your free hand to pat the un-soaped side of her neck
>Man, were pony necks soft
>You hear sun hoers sigh, closing her eyes as she leans into your scrubbing even more
>"W-Would you mind not touching my wings?"
>She gave said wings a little flap
>"I have to use a special shampoo to clean them and with normal soap they tend to get a bit... dry."
"Can do, Celestia."
>With that you're off, cleaning the big horse in front of you like a fiend
>The only sounds that could be heard in that shower was the pitter-patter of the water, your scrubbing, and whatever sounds that the Princess of the Sun just so happened to be making at the time
>And boy did she make a lot of sounds
>She sighed and hummed as you scrubbed her from neck to lower back (making sure not to touch her wings)
>She let out this weird, horsy-bird cooing sound when you scrubbed her back and legs
>She actually let out a whicker when you washed her mane (which was pretty fucking adorable by the way)
>And she giggled and chuckled when you scrubbed her sides
>You know, you honestly didn't think you'd enjoy washing a horse
>But fuck you up the ass if you weren't pleasantly surprised with how much you enjoyed it
>It was almost therapeutic washing someone
>Feeling every twitch and breath and heartbeat as you scrubbed them
>In fact you might even be a little sad when this was all over and the two of you were drying off
>But you weren't done yet
>You still had to wash her tummy tums
>And you were going to scrub the SHIT out of her tummy tu--
>"Anon, are you in there? I got the pizzas and--"
>Both you and Celestia watch as Purple Nurple opens the door
>And just... stands there
>Her mouth open and her wings--
>"OhsweetFaustI'msososorryI'mgonnagonow!"
 
SLAM!
 
"Oi! Don't go and fucking slamming my doors, Darkle!" you yell, looking up at sun horse
>...Goddammit she was blushing again
>Oh well
>Time to rub some tubs!
 
BE CELESTIA
>It's night time
>Your sister's moon has begun its descent, though it still shined as bright as ever, bathing everything in its protective, luminescent glow
>You have a belly full of pizza
>And you happened to be in a bedroom that was not your own holding into the main reason why you had not been able to get a wink of sleep tonight
>Anon shifted slightly against your chest, making light noises under his breath as he slept and dreamed his little human dreams
>Though you don't believe that you've ever seen the young stallion in your hooves look anything other than irritated, bemused, or angry whilst amongst the living, right now he looked actually quite... peaceful
>His eyes were closed tight, his lips were slightly parted, and he was curled up against you in a way that brought a smile to your lips
>It was nice to know that he trusted you enough to sleep in your presence in such a way
>And you meant that with all of your heart
>Most stallions would be nervous and squirming even while asleep if you were holding them like this
>You were too big, too intimidating, too marely of a mare for most of the lesser sex
>Heck, you could usually make most mares sweat buckets with nothing but a raised eyebrow
>But not this big stallion that was sleepily wiggling himself against your chest to get more comfortable
>He was as calm as a cucumber
>Maybe even calmer
>Almost as if he was used to sleeping with big mares like you
>Then again that wasn't surprising given the last few days...
>Not in a thousand years would you have thought a stallion would show enough grit and enough stubbornness to tell not only you but your sister and one of the elements of harmony to buck right off --to your face no less!-- but here was such a stallion
>A quiet, thoughtful hum escaped your throat as you lifted your head up and nosed your rather unexpected cuddle buddy's face and neck
>Your hum grew louder at the sensation of his nearly hairless skin against your fur, your nostrils flaring as you took in his scent
>Oh~
>Oh by the river Styx...
>Anonymous did not have the delicate scent of a stallion that hadn't known a hard days work in their life
>This stallion... this MAN, even though you had spent nearly an hour in the shower with him cleaning each other off, smelled of dirt and sweat and iron
>He smelled as the fabled warrior kinds of old smelled
>Strong and musky and overpowering and unquestionably ALIEN
>Just one whiff was enough to make your heart flutter and know that what you had in your hooves could be your greatest friend or your most horrible and dogging enemy
>He had the will to not only spit at a command that did not suit him but he had enough strength to resist all but the toughest opponents
>A strength that you had witnessed with your numerous clashes with this paragon of creatures before you
>Taking another deep, shaky breath, you bury your muzzle into the bit of mane on the top of his head, your wings spasming and your legs kicking as you bathed in his ESSENCE
>Oh~!
>Oh it was almost TOO MUCH!
>In your mind you couldn't help but relive, again and again, every time that he battled you and your sister
>When he and you fought in hand-to-hoof combat and you ended up getting soaked for your efforts
>When he hoisted your sister up by the scruff of her neck and threw her into the air so hard that Luna very nearly became the second pony in recent history to perform a sonic rainboom
>But there was also a gentleness to this human
>You had felt it when you had been desperately holding onto him while crying your eyes out at your horrible, terrible mistake
>You had also felt it when Anon had tossed you into his shower as though you were a filly and washed you whilst humming alien melodies
>You bit your lip and your tail whipped against Anon's blanket as you remember those strong fingers digging into your sides, playing with and caressing every inch of you so thoroughly and so lovingly that you were surprised that you had even been able to get out of the shower under your own power
>So thoroughly, so lovingly
>Touching
>Kneading
>FEELING YOU~
>Though it is pitch black in this bedroom the your eyes look out, your piercing eyes lazily drinking everything that they could
>You could see clothing lying in heaps all around the room, you could see the question mark designs on the blanket that was covering you and Anonymous, and you could see your beloved student, a big smile on her face even while sleeping as she was, in the arms of Anonymous, her hooves wrapped around his neck and her nose and face buried in the nape of his neck
>Like Anonymous, Twilight looked peaceful, content, but most of all happy
>Even when the three of you were getting ready she had not been against being the human's little saddle
>In fact she had seemed excited just to be in his arms as she was
>Your dear student had been the one to talk Anonymous into letting the three of you sleep in his bed, so it had been a surprise that she hadn't picked a better position for herself
>With a smile you leaned in and nuzzled the side of her head
>Luna would sleep on his couch, she had said, but there was no way in hay that she was going to let him sleep on the floor while the two of them took the bed
>That had been another thing that had blown you away when you had heard it
>This stallion in your arms had OFFERED to sleep on the floor so that you and Twilight might be able to rest for the night
>As though it such a thing was nothing out of the ordinary!
>Even though not more than a few hours ago the two of you had been enemies!
>He had offered to house you, he had fed you, and he had forgiven you after you had struck him without a second thought
>And now he had your student in his arms as some less than honorable thoughts come to your mind unabated
>Anonymous would not simply let you rut him as another stallion would
>You would not have to gently coax and encourage him to enter you
>No, he would fight you for domination
>He would throw you around on the bed, force you into whatever position he wanted you to be in, and he'd take his pleasure with whatever hole that he would so happen to fancy at the time
>He would bite you, he would dig those hands on his into your coat, and he would slam against you so hard that the world would spin
>He would conquer you fully until you were nothing but his slave
>His treasure
>His cock warmer and cleaner
>A quiet moan escapes your mouth as you imagine fighting this MAN, trying to force him to bend to your will so you could pleasure him, only for him to overpower you with that strength of his
>You once again rubbed your back legs together, trying your best to ignore the wetness streaming down them
>Yes~
>He'd hold you down by your neck, rut you until you couldn't move, then he'd wrap you in those arms of his, kiss you right under your horn, and lay there until the two of your drifted off to sleep
>Your breath starts quickening and you have to fight with your wings to keep them from rising
>Calm down now Celestia
>You wouldn't want Anon to know that you were a hairsbreadth away from flipping him over and trying to have your way with him for the rest of the night and most of tomorrow until the two of you were nothing more than two sweaty, happy heaps
>Heaven knows what he'd do to you if he found out
>You were already sure that he could feel the pounding of your heart, maybe even smell your arousal from under the blankets
>Another thought comes to your mind that makes you shiver
>What if he DID know that the mare holding him in her hooves right now might have less than honorable thoughts/intentions with his person?
>What if he's just pretending to slumber in your hooves, waiting for you to lose control so that he may overpower you
>Flaunt his strength over you and push you down onto his bed with your rear sticking HIGH into the air
>And make YOU the stallion
>You kiss Anon's cheek, then his throat, lightly running a hoof up his side
>And just imagine what he'd do to Twilight since she would no doubt try to stop him from... punishing you the moment she was awake
>It didn't take a genius to figure out that your young student here was quite smitten with him, so he HAD to know as well
>And knowing that he would also have to know that Twilight would never hurt him
>So would he simply shove Twilight out of the room, tormenting her with the sounds of your lust filled screams until she was nothing but a lust drive husk of a mare willing to let him do whatever he wished for the slim chance of him using her as he had no doubt used you?
>Or would he be gentle with her as he had been with you?
>Would he lay her down, teasing her with light nips and kisses and touches until she was a red faced, twitching, and shimmering mess?
>Would he let you calm her down with a reassuring smile and an encouraging word as you and him showed her all of the best tricks to please a stallion?
>Would he let the two of you ride him until he filled you both up with his seed?
>Almost as if your hoof had a mind of its own it stopped stroking his shoulder and began to travel downward
>It glided down his chest, past the stomach, and kept going until it--
>You freeze as Anon let out a quiet snore before muttering some nonsense to himself and shifting slightly while nuzzling his cheek against your student's face
>"zzz... I didn't kill Biggie Smalls... zzz... pones are for cuddles and pets... zzz... King Kong ain't got shit on me..."
>Your ears swivel left and right and your hoof stays tense, ready to snake back the second you think he's about to wake up
>You hold this rather tense, awkward pose for what felt like an hour, your eyes wide and your mind screaming in panic
>Don'twakeupdon'wakeupdon'tbuckingwakeup!
>Thankfully Anon's breathing once again slows down and he lies still, making you sign in relief, your hold body visibly untensing
>Thank the Maker above...
>With a chuckle and a shake of the head you wrap your hoof around Anon's lower stomach and close your eyes
>Though it had been rather fun playing out the fantasies in your head maybe you should be getting to sleep?
>There was a good chance that you were going to be up bright and early once again trying to dig up that silly hole for this silly human here and you needed to be well rested to do such
>And, knowing Anon, he'd continue to fight you until he got what he wanted, so you had to be in tip top shape
>You wanted to tease and tense this stallion under you
>You wanted to see just how stubborn and prideful and strong he could be
>No longer was this REALLY about some silly hole
>This was a test of wills
>A battle of souls
>And, oddly enough, it was something that you had wanted for a very long time now
>...Though what Anonymous REALLY wanted had yet to be seen
>With a sigh you spread one of your wings and drape it over him and your student, both whom let out a pair of sleepy sighs
>Maybe he'd TAKE what he wanted from you once he noticed that you had a mess of him and his sheets
>With a quiet giggle you give his cheek a kiss before nuzzling your head into your pillow
>Maybe he'd make you lick him clean~
>Ah, a mare could only dream...
Be a silly horse wearin' a cowpone hat (aka Applejack)
>Yer in your barn, happy as ah apple in a tree
>Though it had taken a few days to set everythin' up, an' ya had had to bride Spike so ya could use his fancy-shmancy dragon fire it was all worth it if the barn full of of yer kin folk meant somein'
>And ta put a cherry on top it looked like yer letters had gotten to everypony!
>The head apple of the Ginger Gold clan that lived up near manehatten was here, along with the Jonagold, the Wealthy, the Fuji, the Gala, and even the Honeycrisp clan leaders ta name a few
>A bunch of old and ornery varmints (especially since you called them out of the blue like this) sure, but they were your kin
>Ponies that ya had known all of yer life
>Apples ta the core each an' every one of 'em
>Ya knew that they'd be more 'an happy to help ya with yer little human problem the second that ya explained yerself
>Clearin' yer throat ta get the chattering bunch's attention ya grab yerself a soap box and hop on up that sucker
>Alright Aj
>Time ta get ta talkin' fancy!
"Now, I'm sure yer all wonderin' why the hay I called ya'll out ya the farm in such short notice like this."
>Yer Aunt Seedling snorts as she gnaws on her corn cob pip
>"And how cuz'," she said with that thick Fillyadelphia accent of 'ers. "But I ain't wondering about that was much as I'm wondering about why ya asked us ta come out here and not yer granny, Applejack."
>More 'an a few ponies in the crowd muttered 'round the same
>"What, is the old bag finally losin' it and ya wanted the lot of us ta help ya brag 'er to the loony bin?" somepony in the crowd hollers
>This gets a right load of chuckles from both ya and the crowd
>Hehe
>Yer kin say somethin' like that every time they come down 'ere an' it's funny every time they say it...
>Still laughing to yerself, ya shake yer head
"Nah cuz, it weren't nothin' like that."
> Ya look away from the crowd and bit yer lip
>Fiddlesticks!
>Yer getting stage fright!
>Or some such silly think...
>All ya know is that yer as nervous as an apple durin' pie bakin' season...
>What ya hadn't told anypony was that ya haven't even told granny about all of the nonsense that was going on
>'Cause ya knew the second she heard what the hay had happened to ya'll she'd laugh so hard she'd break her hip
>Yer already felt sore about getting yer fanny kicked by a colt
>There was no need ta get yer nose rubbed in it
>...
>...
>...
>But 'ere ya were, askin' yer kin ta help ya tame the unruly stallion
>Such might be worse dependin' on how they take ya askin' em'
>...
>...
>...
>AW sweet Celestia
>This was gonna be plum embarrassin' ta ask of 'em wasn't it?
>Yer weren't blushing were ya?
>Darnit!
>Ya WERE!
>Welp, an Apple's gotta do what an Apple's gotten do
"Well... ya'll remember that big diamond dog lookin' fella that I showed ya'll at the family reunion last year? Fella that went by the name Anon?"
>"...Yeah mean that orney feller that tossed Poppy Seed inta the tub that we was puttin' the apple cider?"
>Ya can't help but flinch when that particular memory flashed through yer mind
>...Poor Poppy Seed never could get the cider smell off 'er after that...
"Yep, that's the one," ya say with a shake of yer head
>Yer kin all look at each other all confused like
>"What about him, hon?"
>Ya gulp, yer cheeks burnin' as ya take yer hat off
>Stars above did ya hate ta have ta ask anypony ta help ya with somein' as silly as this but ya didn't have no choice...
"Well, ya see..."
>Ya then spent the next ten minutes tellin' yer story
>'Bout how ya had seen the big colt tryin' ta dig out that big ol' hole all by himself
>How ya, bein' the gentlemare that ya were, had offered ta help him out with his hole free of charge
>And how Anon had told ya ta buck off and beat the stuffin' out of a bunch of ya here and Ponyville when ya took exception ta that
>Ya didn't like tellin' yer failin's one bit but ya didn't know anypony else ta turn ta
>Almost the whole town had come out ta help Anon and he had sent ya'll packing with that crazy human strength of his so ya couldn't go back ta them
>Twi had brought the princesses themselves down here and from what ya heard they were havin' one heck of a time with the stubborn stallion an' it looked like they weren't gonna be much of a help either!
>An' ta top it all off Anon was still out there all day doing mare's work
>The poor thing was gonna hurt himself any day now and ya didn't have the apples ta get him to stop!
>So ya HAD ta turn ta yer kinsfolk
>Ya didn't have anypony else ta turn ta really
>But ya bet yer hat and yer silly pony ways that ya should have asked these fellers first
>Ain't no pony as stubborn and sly and as hard workin' as an Apple
>If all of ya had ta move a mountain with nothin' but your hooves and a bit of rope you'd find a way ta make it work
>'Cause ya'll were Apples!
>Farmers and cowponies and bakers and Railroad workers and a whole load of other stuff!
>Ya were sure the lot of ya would figure out something quicker an' a fruit bat could pick an apple tree clean!
>While yer kin folk were usually a chatty bunch of ponies not a single one of 'em said as word as ya went over yer little tale
>Ya got a few gasp, and more 'an a few chuckles, but by the end of it most of the mares in your ol' barn looked plum upset
>"Yer sayin' that is colt won't let you help even after ya insisted on helpin'?" yer third aunt twice removed aunt Flaxseed asked
>Ya nod
>"An' he beat the tar outta a bunch of ponies when ya all jumped him?" one of yer cousins asked, sittin' down and shakin' her head in disbelief.
"What the sam 'ells wrong with 'em?"
>One of yer great aunt's snorts, crossing 'er hooves
>"It sounds like a colt that needs a mare ta slap a bit o' sense inta him..."
>Ya couldn't help but snort
"We TRIED that but ya heard how that worked out," ya say. "An' I ain't feelin' up fer another whoopin' myself!"
>Leanin' as far out as ya could on yer little platform ya look around at every mare in the crowd
"Ya'll can go ta his house an' try it, but I wouldn't recommend it!"
>With that yer kin chatter amongst themselves fer a bit
>"What are we gonna do?"
>"How 'bout we go an' bake 'em a couple pies?"
>"We could get some o' the younger fillies ta try ta get the colt swoonin'. Maybe that'd work?"
>"Or we could--"
>"Or ya could what?"
>Everypony gets all quiet-like as yer barn doors are thrown open
>...Oh crud
>Is that granny?
>...
>Yep it buckin' is!
>Shoot!
>An' she don't look none too happy either!
>"All of these kinsfolk in the barn hootin' and hollerin' and not a single one of 'em thinks ta come an' get your ol' granny," Granny says with a shake of 'er head, the crowd partin' as she slowly made her way toward ya, the thumpin' of 'er cane echoin' off the barn walls with each step
>Ya awkwardly shift yer weight around on that ol' soap box, biting yer lip
>Oh
>Ya done bucked up now!
>Granny was gonna give ya a whoopin'!
>Ya could see it in 'er eyes!!!
>Ya can't help but gulp as Granny gets a big closer, yer eyes settlin' on the open barn doors
>Ya had ta get out of 'ere!
>"Applejack! Don't you move a muscle ya varment!"
>Granny's voice is as sharp an' cuttin' as a switch, and sweet apples above do you listen ta yer granny
>Tryin' not ta look like some sissy ya sit right down on the soap box an take off yer hat
"...Y-Yes Gra--OW!"
>Movin' faster 'an ya've seen 'er move in years, yer granny races forward, cocks back 'er cane and smacks ya right on the noggin' with it
>And sweet Celestia above and Tirek below did it smart somethin' fierce
>With a yelp ya lose yer balance and tumble off the soapbox, hittin' the ground with a thud
"Aw... Granny why--"
>"Don't ya Granny me, Missy!" yer Gran' snaps, wavin' 'er cane around yer face. "Ya call a clan meetin' about that there monkey lookin' fella--"
"His names Anon Gra--Ow!"
>"Don't ya interrupt yer Granny filly! Yeah go ahead an' get everypony 'ere an' ya don't go an' tell yer granny!"
>Ya scooch away from yer Granny an' 'er cane
>Oh my apples Granny looked like she was about ta go an' bite ya!
>"If'n ya would have asked me ya might not even have had ta call all of our kin fer--"
>Granny's about ta take another swing at ya but yer great aunt Mabel stops 'er
>"Granny ya better lay off the youngin'," she said with a shake of yer head
>Great aunt Mabel lifted up 'er cane an' conked yer ol' granny on the noggin'
>"OW! Ya low down, buck-toothed varment!" Granny cried, stumblin' a couple feet before straighten' herself and rubbin' yer head
>Mabel looked like she wanted ta hit granny again, takin' a step toward 'er with cane raised high
>"Look at ya acting all high an' mighty just because Applejack 'ere didn't tell ya we were all a'comin'!"
>The older mare sneered
>"I remember when ya was just as young as she 'er callin' the family 'ver every little thing ya old crow!"
>Huffing, Granny walked over and pulled ya ta yer hooves, givin' yer shoulder a pat 'fore reachin' down, grabbin' yer hat, an' tossing it onto yer head
>"I know! I was just givin' 'er the whoopin' my granny gave me whenever I did somethin' like this!"
>Yer granny give ya a wink, all anger vanishin' off yer face
>"I ain't mad at ya, youngin', I was just carryin' on a tradition that ya'll be doing when yer older."
>Giving ya another pat on the shoulder, Granny turned toward the crowd
>"An' I don't think this here's a little thing if'n what Applejack say is true, Mabel, ya mangy fossil."
>Yer Gran starts hobblin' from left ta right, a right thoughtful look on 'er face
>"That Anon feller IS an odd 'un. An' a mighty big colt to boot. If anypony could toss 'round a bunch of mares like they was fillies it'd be him."
>Granny tapped 'er cane against the ground, hummin' thoughtfully
>"If'n we're gonna go an' dig that critter's hole we're gonna need some right sound advice..."
>The crowd looked at each other, everypony lookin' mighty confused
>"Isn't that why Applejack called us here?" somepony yelled. "So we coul--"
>"Will ya shut yer trap an' let me talk!" Granny snapped, her dentures nearly flyin' out of her mouth. "Darn kids these days... won't let an old mare collect 'er thoughts before tryin' ta butt in..."
>Closing 'er eyes, Granny loudly cleared 'er throat
>"So, as I was tryin' ta say... this here situations gotten out of hoof if'n the princesses are down 'ere tryin' ta solve the issue. An seein' how even THEY'RE havin' a bit of trouble with 'em we might have to ask..."
>Granny looked both ways, her ears foldin' back against 'er head as she leaned forward
>"...The Great Apple..."
>Ya could have heard a pin drop in that big ol' barn, every single one of yer kinsfolk lookin' at Granny like she just grew a new head and started breakin' out inta a jig
>An' ya were lookin' at yer Granny the same way
>The Great Apple?
>THE GREAT APPLE?!
>Why the hay did Granny what ta bother the Great Apple for somethin' like this?!
>The crowd seems ta share yer thoughts, lookin' mighty uncomfortable at the prospect
>Your cousin Caramel Apple stepped outta the crowd
>"Are ya sure that that's a good idea, Granny? The Great Apple don't take kindly to ponies wasting it's time...
>The crowd murmured in agreement
>"Yeah, we could go an--"
>With a snort Granny slammed 'er cane inta the ground so hard that ya could have swore ya heard the wood splinter
>"Now ya'll listen here! If'n I say that we should go an' talk ta the Great Apple about this 'an we should go an' talk ta the Great Apple!"
>Grumblin' ta 'erself, granny pushed and shoved her way toward the door
>"The Great Apple's always helped the Apple family whenever we needed it, an' we've always gone out of our way ta show it we appreciate what the hay it does! I'm sure it won't hurt none if'n we go ta the Lake of Knowledge an' ask it fer a bit o' advice!"
>Granny snorted again, smackin' one of your aunts in the face with 'er tail before walkin' out the door
>"Sweet apples above! I bet the darned thing would like the company!"
>With that Granny leaves the barn, leavin' ya'll mighty unsettled with how the night turned out
>...Fiddlesticks...
>Ya were gonna have ta follow 'er weren't ya?
>Dangit...
"...Well ya'll, we best be following 'er," ya say, swallowin' the lump in yer throat
>Though a good many of yer kin look mighty nervous they go ahead and follow ya out of that there barn an' inta the open night sky
>A lotta ponies don't know this, but yer farm's a might bigger 'an what it looked
>In fact over half of yer property goes out inta the Everfree a ways, which was here ya'll would be findin' yerself tonight
>An' where the Apple clan's biggest secret was tucked away all nice an' quiet like, and it'd stay that way as long as there was an' Apple in Equestria
>Not a pep was heard outta any of ya was ya led yer little group through the animal trails an' the far off, outta the way paths in that dark forest
>Ya could hear a plum big critter growlin' or grumblin' every once in a while but ya knew, along with the rest of yer kin, that there weren't no critter in this forest that'd bother you
>Not when ya were going ta see the Great Apple....
>Ya walk long inta the night, makin' yer way through that jungle by the marks that yer long dead kin had left an' by memory
>Though ya hadn't seen the Great Apple since ya were a youngin' ya remember everythin' that happened at that lake like it was yesterday
>Boy howdy did ya remember it!
>Ya still have dreams of it...
>"Are we almost there cuz? My hooves are gettin' tired!" somepony in the crowd whisper-shouted at ya
>Ya snorted
"Will ya quiet yer whinin'? I thought I had a bunch o' mares walkin' behind me, not a bunch of prissy colts," ya chide with a shake of yer head. "Granny Smith's a hundred an' ten years old an' she's makin' the same trip as ya are an' I don't hear 'er belly aching ahead of us!"
>Well...
>Hopefully yer Gran' WAS ahead of ya'll and not sleepin' somewhere in this forest...
>Wantin' ta check up on Granny ya quicken yer pace, ignoring all of yer stallion-y kinfolks complaints
>Ho boy, Granny better not still be at the farm or somethin' dumb like--
>"Applejack? Is that ya'll?" a voice called out through the forest
"Granny? Is that ya?"
>"Of course it's me ya idgit! Now get yer fannies over here! The shows about ta start!"
>Not lookin' back at yer kin ya race through the trees, hoppin' over brush an' thicket an' critter holes until ya break the tree line
>An' there ya are, lookin' at a little regular lookin' lake with a small wooden pier
>Yer Granny's sittin' on the pier with a small frown, lookin' at ya'll
>...Huh
>It looks just like ya remember...
>A lil' lake so small an' normal that ya and yer friends could be swimmin' in it an' not a single one of ya would have thought of it...
>Except fer what's in that lil' ol' lake...
>Without sayin' a word ya take yer hat off an' put it on a tree branch
>All around ya, yer kin are takin' off their boots an' hats an' coats an' doin' the same
>Every single one of ya knew ya were on holy ground
>Ya had ta show it proper respect
>The lake seemed ta glow in the moonlight as ya make yer way over ta yer granny, the water unmoving an' as clear as glass
>Waitin' until everypony got ta the pier, Granny cleared 'er throat an' raised her hooves up inta the air
>"Oh Great Apple! We of the Apple clan is a'needin' yer help! Come ta us on this here night from the otherness so that ya may help us in our time of need!"
>Now most of yer kin bowed their heads, but ya kept an' eye on that there lake
>Even though yer momma had told ya when ya were a youngster ta NEVER look at the lake when ya were tryin' ta summon the Guardian of the Apple family ya just couldn't help yerself
>Ya had to watch, ta see where it came from
>Nothin' seemed ta happen fer about a minute before a hummin' sound started to come from the lake
>It almost sounded like a thousand crickets started singin' at once
>It started off real quiet, but as the seconds passed it got louder an' louder an' louder until ya could feel it shakin' ya to yer very core
>This was 'bout the time that the lake seemed ta get brighter and brighter and brighter
>Brighter an' the moon itself
>Until, out in the center of that there little lake, ya could see somethin' started ta break the surface of the water
I KNOW THEE, JACK OF THE APPLES!
>Ya gasp, and try to take a step back from the water's edge, but ya can't move yer hooves an inch
>It almost felt like the suckers were glued ta the ground
I KNOW WHY THOU HAST COME HERE TO THIS MOST HOLY OF HOLY PLACES.
>The water stayed clear and still as a big brown stem rose up from the water
I KNOW OF THE FOE THAT THOU HAST COME UP AGAINST.
>From each end of the lake ya could see the tips of feathers that were as white as untouched snow rise up with the stem
AND I KNOW THEE, JACK OF THE APPLES! I KNOW THY FEARS, THY HOPES, THY TERRORS, I KNOW THAT THOU ART A PROUD DAUGHTER OF THE APPLE CLAN! A CLAN THAT HAS FLOURISHED UNDER MY STEM FOR THE LAST THOUSAND YEARS!
>After the stem and wings rose the body of the god before you started poking above the water
>Perfectly round it was; bigger 'an the biggest bolder an' it's skin as red as blood with a sheen that shimmered even in the moonlight
>An apple, far more perfect than any you've bucked from a tree before, with a great big pair o' wings to spread out wide on it's "back", rose fully out of that there lake, floating toward ya'll
>A tear falled from your eye as ya watched the beautiful, majestic thing before ya
>[Spoiler] oh m-muh a-appulz[/spoiler]
APPLES OF THE APPLE CLAN HEAR ME!
>Even ya couldn't help but bow nice an' low when the Great Apple was just a few feet from ya
>Ya weren't a worth enjoy pony ta look at it
>Not yet anyway...
>"We hear ya, Great Apple!" Granny Smith cried, wavin' her hooves 'round like some sort of loony mare. "Please! Tell us what ta do about this here colt; this Anonymous feller!"
>The Great Apple hovered gently in the air quietly, almost as if it was lost in thought
THIS... HUMAN DOUBTS THE MIGHT OF THE APPLES! HE REFUSED JACK OF THE APPLES HELP AND HE REFUSED THE HELP OF ALL THAT OFFERED IT!
>The lake seemed ta shine just a little bit brighter for a second
IT IS A SLIGHT ON THE APPLE CLAN AND IT IS A SLIGHT ON ALL THOSE WHO CALL THEMSELVES MARES! AND YOU WILL NOT LET SUCH A SLIGHT GO UNPUNISHED!
>The buzzing suddenly stopped, only ta be replaced by an earth shatterin ' boom a second later
>Ya and the rest of her kin scrambled backwards --yer heads still lowered in reverence-- away from the mighty being before ya
>"What is yer command, Great Apple?" Yer Granny cried ta the heavens
>The Great Apples seemed ta shimmer
HARDEN THY HEARTS! READY THY ARMS AND ARMORS! CALL THY ALLIES!
>The Great Apple roared
GATHER THE GRAPES, GATHER THE ORANGES, GATHER ALL OF THE CLANS FROM ALL OVER THE LAND AND READY THYSELVES! IF THIS... ANONYMOUS WISHES TO BE AS HARD AND UNYIELDING AS A ROCK THOU SHALL HAVE TO BECOME A MIGHTY OCEAN!
>Somehow gatherin' up yer courage, ya look up at the Great Apple
>An' all around ya ya can see yer kin doin' the same
>In their eyes ya could see a fire and determination that made ya squirm somethin' fierce
GO FORTH MY APPLES! BECOME A MIGHTY OCEAN OF MARES! LET WAVE UPON WAVE OF OF THY NUMBERS CRASH AGAINST THIS STALLION UNTIL HE IS NOTHING MORE THAN A PEDDLE, SMALL AND HUMBLE!
>With a marely snort, ya stand straight up, yer kin standing up with ya, yer heads held high and yer chests puffed out
DIG THAT HOLE FOR HIM! SMOTHER HIM! CRUSH HIM! SHOW HIM WHAT IT MEANS TO STAND BEFORE THE MIGHT OF THE APPLE FAMILY!
>"Apples!" somepony in the crowd roars. "APPLES!....APPLES!...APPLES!..."
>It doesn't take too long until the rest of ya are chanttin' away with 'er, every single one of ya liftin' yer heads high and screamin' at the moon
"APPULZ! APPULZ! APPULZ!"
>Yer finally had yer orders
>Ya know what ya had ta go ta put Anon in his place
>So ya were gonna do it
>'Cause an Apple never forgets, nor does she let things lie
>Ya better be ready 'Nonny boy
>'Cause the Apples are comin' fer ya
>An' this time we ain't takin' no fer an answer!
 
BE DARKLE FARKLE
>You've been awake since approximately four fifteen in the morning
>About an hour and a half ago you had heard (and felt) your teacher get up off the bed, raise her sun, and hop back into bed to hold both you and Anonymous
>So, running the numbers and eyeing how high the sun was in the sky, you had figured out that it was about seven thirty
>Give or take a few minutes
>So, all in all, you've been awake for about three hours and some change, just laying there listening to Anon's breath and heart beat while he cuddled you
>One hundred and eight minutes
>Ten thousand eight hundred seconds
>In that time you've heard that heart of his beat over one thousand two hundred and thirty five times
>You also couldn't help but note that Anonymous had inhaled and exhaled over two thousand five hundred and forty three times
>You've noted, and counted, these arbitrary numbers for one very important reason:
>If you just laid there keeping your mind busy you'd be in that bed with Anon for long enough to think up of something that would awe and wow him when he finally woke up
>It could be some witty joke about him taking a bath with your teacher and something about saving water
>Or maybe you could look around Anon's room and use the environment around you to say something charming or witty or smart sounding
>And, after some more math and a quick mental fine combing of your mind on how many knock-knock joke and/or humor books that you've read, coupled with all of the philosopher's that you've studied, in the time that you've had you should have already come up with something that was ninety seven point two-three-eight percent guaranteed to knock Anon's socks off
>Note the word "SHOULD"
>It was kind of hard (more like really, really, really, REALLY, REEEEAAALLLLYYY hard) to do any proper thinking when you had a handsome stallion with his arms wrapped around you and with your muzzled buried in the nape of his neck
>The way that his pajamas felt against your fur, the way his muscles twitched and flexed as he held you, his breathing, his heartbeat, how warm he was...
>Sweet stars above HIS SMELL!
>Unf!
>No sciencing could be done with all of those distractions!
>And you LOVED sciencing!
>And were able to do it pretty much on command no matter the situation!
>But you couldn't do anything more than simple mathematics at the bucking moment!
>SIMPLE MATH!
>Heck, you couldn't even go back to sleep because your heart was pounding in your chest!
>You've just been laying there with your eyes closed pretending that you were asleep
>Like some sort of creepy pony!
>The situation wasn't helped by your teacher either
>The way that she made those happy little sounds of hers as she wrapped her hooves around Anon and nuzzled the top of his head and laid a wing over the two of you
>...And the way that she got to be the bucking big saddle...
>Why couldn't you have been the big saddle?!
>So what if she was bigger than you? You would have figured something out!
>You were soft!
>You were cuddly!
>You had a LOT of fur on your chest
>AND your horn was two point four three-one-five inches bigger than the national average!
>Sure, it wasn't the BUCKING MONSTER that you teacher had but it was still pretty good
>And it wasn't how nice the carriage was it was how well you drove it!
>And another thin--
>You stiffen up a bit as Anon gives your cheek a sleepy nuzzle, his lips brushing along your face before stopping at the tip of your nose
>...
>...
>...
>You know what?
>The Princess can be the big saddle
>Being the big saddle was overrated anyway
>With a happy sigh you nuzzle Anon's cheek back, your grip on the human tightening ever so slightly
>In response Anon gave you a little squeeze back before going back to his quiet breathing
>Being the small saddle was where it was at!
>A smile works its way onto your face as you wiggled again Anonymous, ready to--
>"MORNING SLEEPY HEADS!"
"Eep!"
 
CRASH!
>With a not so marely yelp you find yourself launched off the warm, soft bed and out of Anon's WONDERFUL embrace
>Vertigo hits you like an apple to the face, making your stomach do a flip or two, before you landed onto the cold, hard, unforgiving ground
>Rather painfully
"Who?! What?! Why?!"
>Ignoring (or at least mostly ignoring) your hurting... well everything, you scramble to your hooves, open your eyes, and see...
"PINKIE PIE?!"
>Your pink friend, who was standing on top of Anon's bed with a big paper bag and a couple cups of coffee on her back, smiled at you with a little hop
>"Hiya Twilight! Lovely weather outside isn't it?"
>Blinking you look out of Anon's window
"Well... I haven't been outside yet so I honestly couldn't tell you but--WAIT!"
>With a stomp of the hoof you take a step toward Pinkie mother bucking Pie
>Aka the mare that just ruined your human cuddle session
"What in the name of Celestia are you doing in Anon's bedroom Pinkie?!"
>Your teacher, who had opened an eye to look at the pink party pony, snorted
>"It's a bit too early for anypony to do ANYTHING in my name, Twilight," she said with a yawn. "Especially after the day that we all had yesterday..."
>Anon, who also had one of his bloodshot eyes opened, looked up at Pinkie in irritation
>"Pank... what the hell did I tell you about breaking into my house?"
>"Only do it when you weren't in the bathroom or drinking!" Pinkie automatically said with a happy bounce, hopping off Anon's bed and putting the paper bag and drinks on his counter
>With a groan, Anon turned away from Pinkie and wrapped his arms around your teacher, burying his face into her chest tuft
>Chest tuft that was BARELY bigger than yours by the way
>...You teacher probably didn't even have it fluffed out all the way to make it as soft as possible...
>"Pont, get the hell out of my house please," the human begged, his voice muffled. "Give me another hour of sleep before you make me have to deal with your shit."
"Anon! Aren't you worried about HOW Pinkie got into your house?" you say, concerned. "Somepony else could--"
>"PINKIE probably doesn't even know how she got in my fucking house, Purple drank" Anon growled as your teacher, closing her eyes, wrapped her hooves around him and nuzzled the top of his head while laying a wing overtop of him
>...Don't get mad
>Don't get mad
>DON'T GET MAD!
>DON'TGETMAD!!!
>...Faust DAMNIT Pinkie!
>That was supposed to be YOU in Anon's arms!
>Pinkie giggled, walking over to Anon's side of the bed and poking his back with her muzzle
>"But 'Nonny Bofonny! If you don't eat the most important meal of the day how are you going to have enough energy to play with all of the ponies that are standing out in your front yard
>One moment Anon's in your teacher's hooves and you're as jelly as all Tartarus
>Then you blinked
>There was a swoosh and a burst of air hit you in the face as Anon somehow got up of your teachers hooves, hopped up out of his bed, and raced past you, looking out of his window
"What the fuck..." Anon growled, leaning on the window's frame to get a better look outside
>You see him visibly stiffen after a moment before he gritted his teeth so hard that you swore you could hear his teeth cracking
>"Is that fucking APPLEJACK out there?..."
>Pinkie hopped past you and to Anon's side
>"Yep! I wanted to see if my favorite green guy was sleeping in his hole again, and I brought you some food again so that you'd keep up your strength, when I saw a WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOLe bunch of ponies outside!"
>Pinkie hopped again, craning her neck up to look out of the window
>"I don't think I've seen that many ponies since--"
>Both you and your teacher watch as Anon slowly got angrier and angrier as Pinkie talked her nonsense
>...And angrier
>And angrier
>And...
>Sweet stars, is there a weird red mist coming off of him?!
>"...Pinkie?" Anon interrupts quietly, his voice surprisingly calm.
>Too calm actually
>"Could you do me a favor?"
>Blinking in surprise, Pinkie looked up at the human
>"What can your Aunt Pinkie do for you, 'Nonnynator?"
>"Could you be a dear and take all of that stuff off my nightstand please?"
>Both you and your teacher look at each other, worry as plain as day on both of your faces
>You didn't know WHAT exactly was wrong BUT...
>Something felt... OFF
>No, not off. That wasn't the right word
>...
>...
>...
>Bad
>Something felt BAD
>You could feel it in the air, darn near smell it too
"...Anon? Are you alright there?" you asked as Anon, with no emotion in his face, walked over to his nightstand
>"Nope," he said simply, patiently waiting for Pinkie to take everything off the table before picking it up
>"Was that all you needed 'Nonny?" Pinkie sweetly asked as Anon hefted his nightstand, moving it back it forth in a...
>Wait a second!
>What was he?...
"Anon, what are you going to do with that nightstand?" you asked nervously
>"..."
"Anon, I know you might be upset that Applejack brought a bunch of ponies to your house to do something that you might not entirely agree with but why don't we just take a second to think about this!"
>Almost as he if hadn't heard you, Anon slowly walked past you and toward the window
>Behind you, your teacher cleared her throat
>"Anonymous, why don't you be a dear and come back to bed? Twilight can go outside and resolve any silly little thing that's going on outside while the two of us get some well deserved shut eye. Then after the two of us wake up we can all go out and get breakfast"
>With a smile your teacher patted the side of the bed with a wing
>"There's no need to get huffy about that silly hol--"
>"You wouldn't happen to know just how many ponies are outside, do you Pint?" Anon asked, turning toward Pinkie
>Pinkie stopped hopping around for a second, humming thoughtfully before giving her head a hard shake
>"Nope! But there were a TON! So many that even I'll have some trouble setting up a welcome to Ponyville party for ALLLL of them!"
>"And are you sure that they're out there to fuck around with my yard?"
>Pinkie nodded
>"I saw a bunch of them carrying shovels 'Nonny! So it's either there's some shovel party happening that I don't know about or they're here for you ya silly goose."
>The room was silent for a few moments
>"And there's no shovel party happening around here; I checked."
>Anon nodded again, his eyes narrowing as he looked back through the window
>"Hey Pinkie?"
>"Yeah Fo'fonny?"
>For the first time that morning, Anon smiled
>And it was a nice, bright smile; the kind of smile you wanted to see on this human every morning when the two of you woke up in bed together
>"Thanks for bringing me breakfast the last couple of days, I really appreciate it."
>Grinning, Pinkie nudged him with her hoof
>"Aw, don't mention it my main monkey man! It's the least I could do!"
>"I still appreciate it. You're a good friend, Pintino. Don't let anyone ever tell you any different."
>With a frown Anon looked back out of his window
>"Now if you'll excuse me I have some fucking horses to throw off my property."
"Anon--"
>Before you, Pinkie, or the Princess could do anything, Anon took two big steps forward and, with a roar that would be more at home coming from a Hydra's mouth, threw his nightstand as hard as he could right at his window
 
CRASH!
 
>All of you but Anon flinch as the nightstand goes through the window as if it were paper, glass and bits of wood flying everywhere as you hop back in shock
"Anon what are you--"
>"I'z a reel niggna mang!" Anon cried, hoping through his now destroyed window. "Reel nigga OG straight out of that hood!"
BE ANON
>It was finally happening
>The day that you known, in the back of your mind, since you started on this fucked up little adventure of yours, would eventually come to pass
>The pones communicated with each other
>They became more intelligent
>And they had General Silly Pony at the helm spearheading the charge
>...Sweet mother of gawd...
>Appul horse HAD said that she wasn't done with you when you shooed her away the first time
>And the time after that
>If only you had known just how not done she was with you
>Then maybe you could have done something about this before it happened...
>Welp
>It didn't matter now
>What happened happened
>The ship had sailed and the sun had set
>It was obvious that these little horses weren't going to leave you and your hole alone no matter how many times to tell them to fuck off the end of your dick
>So now was the time to take the kid gloves off
>No more mister nice Anon!
>Time to show these fucking ponies that you meant motherfucking business!
>With a grunt and a roll you land out in your front yard (Only stepping in a bit of broken glass and fucking up your ankle just a teeny tiny bit) looking around with a snarl
>All around you were pones
>There were pones by the hundred out in front of your yard and in the streets, filling every inch of space with widdle furry bodies
>There were pones flying in the sky, so many in fact that you damn near couldn't see the sky
>Hell, there were fucking pones standing on top of roof tops!
>Not even the ones with wings either; there were horn heads up there pointing their horns at you!!
>Twenty or so of them, shovels and pickaxes at the ready, had already hopped over your fence and had been making their way toward your hole, but your spectacular entrance had sent the little buggers scrambling back in surprise
>"What the hay?! Are ya out of yer mind, colt?!"
>Ah, speak of the silly pony and she will appear
>In silly horse battle armor no less
>Little Applejack was dressed in armor that wouldn't look out of place in the guard, though her's had apples all over them
>There were apples on her little general's helmet, there were apples on her plate armor, there were apples on her little metal combat boots, and she even spray painted a silver apple on both of her cheeks
>If you didn't know any better you'd say that you were looking at a mighty general that just so happened to really, really, REALLY like apples
>And also happened to be a three foot tall horse
>....Which, now that you think about it, actually seemed to be the case
>But there was one fatal flaw in the little "warrior" that you could see in Appul pone's big green eyes
>You could see fear
>More specifically fear of you
>Not surprisingly since you just smashed your window and jumped through the hole you made like a crazy asshole
>But you know what?
>Right now you WERE a crazy asshole!
>The craziest of assholes!
>This was your motherfucking house
>You had told these motherfucking ponies time and again and time and again and time and again to fuck off and leave you to your lawn work
>And they had ignored you, fucked up your poor, undeserving lawn, and pissed you the fuck off
>MORE THAN ONCE MIGHT YOU ADD!
>And now it looked like they were going to try to do it again!
>Well NOT TODAY THEY FUCKING WEREN'T
>THIS WAS YOUR YARD, THAT WAS YOUR HOLE, AND SOME SILLY, COUNTRY-ASS HAT WEARING, APPLE-LOVING HICK HORSE WASN'T GOING TO TELL YOU OTHERWISE!
>The little group of horses, all wearing the same armor that Appulz was (though fuck you if you knew where the hell they had gotten it from), though her helmet looked a hell of a lot fancier than theirs was, quickly retreated as you stomped toward them
>Only Applejack managed to stand her ground as you readied yourself to purge the unclean
>FortheEmperor.gnp
>And, with eyes blazing, teeth bared, and soul screaming in rage and hate and for battle, you walk up to Applejack, leaned down, and whispered,
"Yes, I am, now GET the FUCK off of my lawn!"
>Though Appul horz looks more than a bit unnerved she stands her ground
>"I'm 'fraid I can't do that Anon," she said with a stomp of her widdle hoof
"And why the fuck not?!" you growl
>Applejack gives your leg a poke
>"Ya'll carrin' on bein' the ornery varmint ya were has stirred up enough trouble fer everypony! An' me an' everypony here have had 'bout enough of it!"
>Applejack gives you another poke before looking over her shoulder at the little group still standing behind her
>"I got every Apple from here ta the Crystal Empire, an' most of the other clans too ta help me!"
>She sneers at you
>"I suggest ya let me an' the gals dig that there hole fer ya, Anon. We wouldn't want ya getting--"
>Suddenly the door to your house was thrown open, revealing an exhausted looking Luna, who had a piece of burnt toast in her mouth
>"Human, we require thy assistance! We hath scoured thy larder but we cannot find the--"
>Blinking, Woona looked around
>"...Oh... it appears that thou art busy with what appears to be some sort of mob at the moment."
>She slowly reached for the door
>"We apologize for the interruption. We art sure if We tear through thy larder a bit more we will find what we desire eventually, and even if We do not there is surely enough food to fill our belly. Please, continue as thou were."
"Don't you eat my fucking ice cream in the freezer!" you yell as she closed the door. "I've been waiting for the last three goddamned days to eat the rest of that!"
>Glaring at the door for a second more you once again turn your attention toward Appulz
"And you... YOU... get the fuck off my property before I bet the hell out of all of you!"
>And you'd do it too
>You'd gladly ruin every single little horse here
>Once again Appulz snorts
>"Oh? Ya'll gonna go and fight ALL of us?"
>She gestured all around her
>"Darn near half of Equestria's here, Sugarcube, an' all ya got on yer side is nopony but yerself!"
>"Naha! Anon's got us!"
>From out in the crowd you see someone pushing and shoving their way toward you
>"Don't worry, Fingers, Bonnie and I will be there to protect you in a second!... Excuse us, pardon us, sorry about that..."
>It takes a minute but eventually a grinning Lyra and the master of frowns Bon Bon herself hop over your fence
>"Ha! We made it!" Lyra said before clearing her throat and doing her very best to look serious. "Don't you worry Anon! Me and Bonnie won't let you and those delicious little wigglers of your get all beat up by these big, mean mares!"
>The weird little horse giggles
>"Then I can do all that weird stuff that I wanted to do with your hands yesterday! How's that sound?"
>Applejack sputters
>"Lyra? Bon Bon? What the sam hell are ya'll doing?!"
>"We're here to help Anon, Applejack!" Lyra says matter-of-factly before looking at Appul pone in concern. "...Didn't you just hear u--"
>"I heard what ya'll said! I just can't believe it!"
>Appulz points a hoof at you
>"Ya'll tryin' ta help a colt that's actin' like a right stone head?!"
>Well fuck you too apple horse
>Fuck you and your country ways
>You cunt
>"What if the other stallions see what he's doin' an' they start taken after his nonsense?!"
>Bon Bon, a frown on her face (no fucking shit), walked over to one of your bushes, pulling out the helmets and shoulder pads that she and Lyra had been wearing the other day
"Oi! What the fuck are you doing hiding shit in my bushes, Bon Bon, you bitch?"
>Slapping on her helmet, Bon Bon walked back over
>"Buck AND fuck you Anon, you big, green, weird looking monkey," she said, pointing at you before putting Lyra's helmet on her head
>Snorting, Bonnie Buns turns toward Applejack
>"And buck you too Applejack, trying to come in here and trying to ruin Anon's day like this!"
>"That's MY job you carpet muncher! And I'm not letting anypony take that away from me!"
>Urgh
>Sweet Christ above do you fucking HATE Bon Bon
>HATE!
"...How does it feel knowing that you suck all of the dicks, Bon Bon?"
>Bon Bon snorted once again
>"I'm a dyke you dumb monkey thing."
"I was talking about the invisible, metaphorical dicks, you cunt. You suck all of those because you're the worst little horse in this little horse town and if I could get away with it, I'd punt you in the cunt so hard and so many times that the little horses would make a game out of it in commemoration for my efforts. They'd call it cunt ball, or Bon Bon's a cunt ball..."
>"Well this cunt and this cunt's marefriend the only ponies that you got helping you, you in the closet fudge packer! so BUUUUCCCCKKKK YOOOOOUUUUUU"
>You open your mouth to once again tell Bon Bon to fuck the fuck off when Applejack finally snapped
>"Enough of this here tomfoolery!"
>She looked back toward Lyra and Bon Bon
>"If'n ya'll not fer us yer against us, an' we'll gladly rough ya up along with Anon if'n ya don't get out of our gosh dar--urgh!"
>Apple pone lets out a yelp as you pick her up by her chest plate thingy and bring her close to your face
>The mob she brought with her gasped, and more than a few take a few aggressive steps forward
>But you don't pay attention to any of that
>You just stare at Applejack while your raging hate stiffy twitches
"Applejack, if you don't get off my property in the next ten seconds then I'm going to rip all of this armor off of you, put you over my knee, and beat your ass until you learn your lesson."
>Applejack growls
>"An' if ya don't let all us here help ya with yer darned hole I'll be doin' the same same ta ya ya senseless stallion!"
>She yelps again she you give her a little shake
>"I'm not a stallion, tree bucker. I'm a lot bigger and meaner than a stallion."
>"And he's a lot more antisocial than one!" Lyra chirps
>"And he has a lot of anger issues that he clearly needs to sort out," Bon Bon adds as she walks over and turns on the water for your hose
>"And he could stand to be outside more"
>"And he could learn to bucking smile every once in a while."
>"And he needs to take better care of his hygiene just a bit more."
>"And--"
"Alright, alright! She fucking gets it!" you yell. "I think she gets the idea ladies!"
>"...And he's a grade-A dick sucking asshole. Don't forget about that..."
>Urgh
>FUCKING BON BON
>SO MUCH FUCKING HATE!!!!!
>With an irritated huff, you toss Applejack away from you
"You can still leave, Applejack, you and your little "army" can fuck off and let me dig my hole," you offer. "We don't need to do any of this battle royal bullshit."
>Applejack just looks at you, laying on her back, with a glare before screaming,
>"Alright gals, he ain't cooperating! Time ta knock some sense inta this here stallion!"
>"HOHA!" the crowd roars, forcing you to cover your ears to keep you ear drums from exploding from the noise
>"Draw yer weapons!"
>Looking up you watch as ponies all around you tossing away their shovels and pickaxes and pulling out...
>...
>...
>...
>Swimming pool noodles?...
>What the fuck is that bullshit?
>...
>...
>...
>...What the fuck ever
>If it's a fight they want then you're more than happy to oblige!
>Lyra and Bonny Buns seem to be of the same mindset, Lyra magicking a bunch of fly swatters all around her and Bon Bon readying your hose
>...Alright
>Admittedly not the trained killers that you'd usually want to fend off something like this but you'd take what you could get
>Who knows, maybe harp and candy butt would be a big help
>You doubted it but it was nice to hope
>And after this was all over and you kicked the SHIT out of all of these ponies you'd have to do something nice for these two
>Maybe you'd take the dykes out to dinner or something
>Or take them out to a wine tasting thing
>Lesbians like going to wine tastings right?
>...
>Well, whatever
>First things first...
>With a roar you rip off your pj top and spread your arms out wide
"Ponies! Today you come to fuck me up and dig up my hole for whatever stupid fucking reasons you have!"
>Spreading your arms out wide, you gesture at them while slowly walking around in a circle
"You are an army! A mighty ocean of three foot tall marshmallow horses!"
>You growl, and all of the enemy near you take a few hasty steps backward
"But I am the OP shitposter! I am the internet asshole! I am the triple X librarian! You will not beat me and you WILL NOT STOP ME FROM DIGGING MY HOLE!"
>The horses take another few steps backward, though with time they have their pool noodles aimed at you, as you take a few more steps forward
>Not that you gave a fuck tho
"I am the shore of eternity you little niglets! Send wave upon wave of your number! Crash upon me AND. BE. BROKEN!"
>With another roar, you slam your fist against your chest and get into a wrestler's stance
>"Woo! That was pretty bucking awesome, Anon!" Lyra says with an excited giggle
>You couldn't help but smile slightly
>Bon Bon snorts
>"It was pretty stupid if you ask me... What? Did you get that out of a Power Ponies comic or something you bucking putz?"
>Your smile leaves your face once again
>Your hate stiffy throbs
"....FUCK you Bon Bon..."
 
BE Twilight Sparkle
>This is bad!
>This is very, very, VERY bad!
>Why the buck did Anon jump out of the window?!
>Couldn't he have just used the bucking stairs?
>The bucking crazy stallion must have had a death wish!
>Sweetstarsabovewhatwereyougonnado?!?!
>Trotting in place, you look over at your teacher
"Princess! We have to do something about this!"
>While you didn't know what that something was you were sure that the Princess would know what to do!
>You watch as your teacher, with a tired sigh, rolled out of Anon's bed and ruffled her feathers
>"I suppose that you're right, Twilight. Something DOES need to be done about all of this."
>Shaking her head the Princess looked past you and at the ruined window that Anon just hopped through like a nut
>"Come, lets go downstairs and see what my sister is doing."
>You didn't know how the Princess was able to walk out of the room and down the stairs as calmly as she did
>You ran down the stairs as fast as your hooves could take you, then ran back up them when you noticed that your teacher hadn't been running down the stairs with you, then ran back down them because you honestly didn't know what to do with yourself
>It still looked like you still had to master the art of being calm under pressure, something that your teacher seemed a master of
>She was probably thinking up something right now to solve all of this under that cool, calm gaze of her's
>Cool as a cucumber AND the other side of the pillow your teacher was
>"Sister, is that thou?" a voice from the kitchen called
>Yawning (what a bucking ZEN MASTER) your teacher led you to the kitchen, where Luna was sitting on Anon's counter eating a big tub of what looked like chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream
>"Shouldn't you be eating something more breakfast related, Luna?" your teacher asked in amusement
>Luna froze, a spoon in her mouth, before her eyes snapped toward you and the Princess
>"Oh, it is thou," she said, sighing in relief. "We had feared that the mob outside had besieged the house and were trying to force themselves in."
>Wait!
>Back up!
>BACK RIGHT UP!
"THERE'S A MOB OUTSIDE?!"
>Luna nodded, scooping a big spoon full of ice cream out of the tub before shoving it into her mouth
>"Aye, a very big one at that."
>Your teacher seemed to take the news surprisingly well, walking past her sister and opening Anon's fridge
>"Did you save any food for us or did you eat everything in sight like you usually do, Luna?" she asked, poking her eat in
>Luna snorted
>"There was barely any substance in the human's house to speak of, dear sister, so thou shall have to make do with whatever We have left thee. AND we would like to remind thou that WE are not the one that managed to eat half of the castle's supply of--"
>Wait!
>They're EATING
>Right after Luna said that there's a mob outside?
>A MOB!
>Hundred of ponies doing Faust knows what to Anon out there!
>They could be hurting the poor, defenseless stallion
>OR WORSE!
>MUCH, MUCH WORSE!!!
>Why the hay didn't you take a minute to properly look outside that BUCKING WINDOW?!
>You could have stopped this before it began!
>You didn't know how but you would have figured something out
"WHAT THE HAY ARE YOU TWO DOING?!"
>Both the Princess and Luna reeled back in surprise at your shout, looking at you then each other in confusion
>"... We are eating, Twilight Sparkle," Luna said before scooping up another spoonful of ice cream for herself to emphasis her point. "What does it look like we art doing?"
"Anon's outside, by himself, with a mob of mares outside ready to do Faust knows what with him, and the two of you are just going to sit in here and EAT BREAKFAST?!"
>The Celestial sisters looked at each other once again before nodding
>"Yes, my student, and after that I do believe that I'll go back up to Anonymous's bedroom and fix his window since he was such a dear and let us all sleep over his house.
>Luna nodded
>"Say what you will about that stallion but it was good of him to shelter us like he did."
>Wat
>WAT?
>WAT?!?!?!?!?!
>WERE YOU THE ONLY PONY HERE THAT HAD ANY SENSE OF DECENCY?!
>THEY COULD HAVE BEEN RAPING ANON RIGHT NOW AS THE THREE OF YOU WERE HAVING THIS--
 
BOOM!
 
>You can't help but jump as two armored mares come flying through Anon's door, knocking the thing off its hinges, mystery mares tumbling through the entryway before skitting to a stop a few feet from the entrance to the kitchen
>"YOU CUNTS ARE PAYING FOR THAT!" You could hear Anon, as clear as day, roar over what sounded like a battlefield outside. "JUST LIKE YOU'RE PAYING FOR MY FUCKING FENCE!"
>With a hum your teacher walked over to the bruised, battered, and unconscious mares and gave them a little kick with her hoof
>"Oh I wouldn't worry too much about Anonymous, my dear student--"
>"DESPAIR, FOR I AM THE END OF DAYS YOU LITTLE HORSES!"
>"--I think that he'll be able to handle himself. "
>Luna nodded, kicking her hooves around as she levitated the now empty tub of ice cream over to the garbage bin
>"Aye, and if he DOES become overwhelmed then mares outside should, along with probably having their way with Anonymous on the bare earth outside, dig up that blasted hole that hath been vexing us all for these last few days."
>With a huge yawn Luna opened one of Anon's drawers and pulled out a bag of cookies, opening them with a flick of her horn
>"And if he doesn't there is a good chance that he will be too tired to stop US from overpowering him and digging up his hole."
>She shrugged, levitating a cookie out of the bag and nomming on it
>"And we three can have our way with him if we so desire at the time. I myself hath always been a bit frisky after--"
"We'renotgonnabuckingdoanythinglikethat!!"
>Luna blinked
>"...Thou didn't need to bite off our head, Twilight Sparkle. A simple no would have sufficed."
>Rolling her eyes at you, your teacher walked over and laid a wing over you
>"I know that this might seem... strange to you, my dear student, but why don't the three of us just let all of... THIS sort itself out on its own."
>You watch as one of the cookies from Luna's bag levitates over to your teacher, who took a big bite out of it
>"I've always found that the less you do in situations like these the faster and better they seem to sort themselves out."
"But--"
>"AND if it gets too out of hoof than I'm sure that the three of us are more than capable of ceasing any silliness."
>With a grunt your teacher hopped up onto the counter with her sister
>"Let everypony out there let off some steam for an hour or two. Heavens know that Anonymous needs it, and I'm sure half of the town need it after how that stallion out there's been acting. So why don't the three of us just go ahead and look through Anon's kitchen to see if he has any food and have ourselves a hearty breakfast, hmm?"
>You just stand there, mouth agape, looking at Luna and your teacher, a mare that you thought was a paragon of all things good and noble and marely, in shock
>What the TARTARUS was wrong with these two?!
>You three just couldn't sit here, eat all of Anon's junk food, and wait for all of this to sort itself out!
>You three were better than that!
>And you had no bucking idea WHY the princesses would even suggest something like that!
>It wasn't like the two of them did nothing while...
>...
>...
>...
>...Oh
>Oh holy horse apples...
>All of the puzzle pieces just fitted together...
>The Princess...
>Luna...
>They were...
>S-L-A-C-K-E-R-S
>...
>...
>...
>"...Twilight, dear, are you alright? You're looking a little... Flustered..."
>...
>...
>...
>NA! That couldn't be true!
>This was bucking Princess Celestia you were bucking talking about!
>S-She was just
>She was just...
>...Testing you?...
>YEAH!
>That's what this was!
>A test!
>A TEST!
>This was another test!
>The Princess WANTED you to go out there and protect Anon so that you could be a marely mare like her!
>In fact, you bet that she set this ALL up (somehow) so that you'd better understand FRIENDSHIP!
>Yeah!
>That was it!
>YepYepYep!!!
>Don'tthinkaboutit!!
>Themadnesssetsinifyouthinkaboutit!
>With a giggle that sounded just a teeny bit crazy, you saluted
"I understand what you want me to do now, Princess! And don't you worry, I'm on it!"
>Both your teacher and her sister look at each other once again
>Though, to the untrained eye, it looked like they were WORRIED about you!
>"...On what, Twilight? What are you talking about?"
>Oh!
>OH!
>Just look at her!
>Look at how faked worried she looked!
>Worried, hah!
>But you knew the truth
>They were just surprised that you figured out their little test so quickly and were hiding it under masks of concern!
>But of course you managed to figure out the Princess's plan so quickly!
>You were her star pupil!
>Somepony that she wanted to mold and test so that you'd be the very best, smartest, and friendliest mare in the whole wide, wide world!
>Hahahahahaha!
>She REALLLLLLY had you going there for a second!
>You had almost thought that you teacher was a lazy mare that got others to do important things for her!
>But she wasn't a lazy pony
>NO!
>She was the hardest working, most qualified mare that you've ever met!
>You bet your bucking Crystal Castle of Doom that if she really had wanted to she would have beaten off Chrysalis, and Tirek, and Nightmare Moon, and all of those other challenges that you and your friends had had to overcome
>...
>...
>...
>Hah!
>With only the slightest eye twitch you spin around
"DON'T YOU WORRY, ANON! I UNDERSTAND EVERYTHING THAT'S GOING ON NOW! I KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON AND I'M COMING TO SAVE YOU!"
 
BE CELESTIA
>Both you and your sister watch as Twilight raceD out through the hole in the wall that used to have a door, shouting some nonsense to the heavens before joining the battle that was probably still raging outside
>You didn't know cause you hadn't looked out the hole
>Not really well anyway
>Cause your tummy had the rumblies
>That only hay bacon could satisfy
>Luna, still eying where your student had run off to, reached into her cookie bag and pulled out another cookie to shove in her mouth
>Though you'd usually chastise her for eating junk food this early in the morning you'll let it pass this time
>There wasn't anything else in Anon's house TO eat except junk food it seemed
>The colt really needed to go out and do some proper shopping...
>Reaching over you grab yourself a cookie
>Hmmm
>Cookielicious...
>"Sister?"
"Yes Luna?"
>"Should We perhaps venture forth and assist Twilight Sparkle in whatever she plans to do?"
>"BURN, MAIM, KILL! BURN, MAIM, KILL!!!"
>You twitch as Anonymous throws another pair of mares into his house sending them tumbling through what was left of the entryway and past the first two mares and into a wall
>Huh...
>That looked like it hurt
>A lot...
>Maybe you SHOULD go out there and put a stop to this nonsense?
>All it would take was a spell after all
>You could teleport the mob away, knock Anon out, or just dig up the hole yourself if you REALLY wanted to...
>...
>Eh...
>Nah
"Let us wait a bit before charging out there," you say, taking another bite out of your cookie. "Let's let everypony tire themselves out before we both go charging out there horns ablaze."
>You know, you quite like the little seat that Luna had picked out
>It was a good deal higher up than a normal chair and it had that firmness that you sometimes wanted whenever you say down...
>Yes...
>You'd have to sit on a counter more often whenever you happened to find yourself in a kitchen
"For all we know Twilight will have this all settled by the time the two of us fix ourselves a proper breakfast. Let's give the mare a chance, eh?"
>You sister nods at your obvious wisdom
>"Aye, we also believe that that is the best course of action. We wouldn't want to steal any glory from young Twilight."
>Nodding yourself you hop off the counter and walk over to the four knocked out mares
>A quick pat down reveals four bit bags
>Bit bags filled with bits
>Bits that you were sure their owners wouldn't mind "lending" to you
>They HAD broken Anon's door down
>The very least they could do was full up his fridge with goodies to eat
>Like hay bacon
"Then come along sister and lets make a quick run down to the marketplace to get something to cook up for breakfast!"
>Luna scrunches up her nose
>"...Will thou buy the pancake batter that We like?"
>You roll your eyes
"Of course I will, you big baby. Now come on, let's get something to cook up before I start to fade away."
>And not a bother was given that day.jng
 
BE ANONYMOUS
>Fighting in a battle was a lot different than what you've read about
>The history books never mention the how fucking loud it was
>The Movies never could show or explain the sensory overload of having dozens and dozens of little horses charging at you all at the same time with weapons raised
>Nor did they talk about the full body sting of getting hit everywhere at once by foam pool noodles
>And they most certainly didn't talk about how eventually the sounds and the sights and the smells dimmed until they were nothing
>Not even background noise
>The only thing you could hear was the mares that were charging you and maybe Lyra's scream or Bon Bon's cursing and/or barrage of hurtful insults
>Half of which were directed at you
>The only thing you could see were those colorful plastic noodles of pain and the bodies that you had to dodge
>And the pain
>Well
>You weren't feeling much of that after getting knocked around for what felt like an eternity
>Probably cause you were a real motherfucker
>....Or because they were hitting you with pool noodles
>Eh
>Somewhere during the beginning of the attack you had managed to wrestle two foam noodles off some mares and had been tearing into the enemy like a man possessed
>You hit the little horses on the muzzles, you hit them on the rumps, you hit them on the back of their widdle furry legs
>And you showed no mercy
>They'd get hit whether they were tear-eyed and begging you to stop hitting them because it stung everywhere or screaming about how they were going to beat you until you cried like a colt
>No mercy, no rest; you had to be a machine on this battlefield that had become your front yard
>You had to keep swinging your noodles like a mad man
>You had to keep pushing the enemy back, and you had to protect you hole at all cost
>Because this was war
>...A war where you and a bunch of ponies beat on each other with foam noodles...
>But it was still war!
>Or at least the closest thing that you want to get to a real, proper war
"How are you doing over there BON BON?" you yell, taking three noodles to the stomach and one to the back
>"Why won't he stay down?" one of the little horses that hit you asked, her voice filled with panic. "WE KEEP HITTING HIM BUT HE WON'T STAY DOWN OR CRY OR ANYTHING!"
>With a battle cry you spin around and start pummeling the closest armored mare with your noodles of death
"Because. You. Fuckin. Horses. Are. Outta. Your. Damn. Mind." you grunt in between hits
>The mare does her best to block your attacks, her eyes wide with panic while she backpedals, but your barrage starts to find kinks in her defense
>The little earth pony mare cries out when you hit her on the side of the neck
>Tears start to form in her eyes when you hit on of her legs
>And her lip begins quivering when you hit her on the rump
>Ihavebecomethedestroyerofpone
>"S-Stop it you m-meanie! T-That s-stings!"
>Bon Bon leisurely waved your hose back and forth, bringing down pone after pone with a spray of water
>If you didn't know any better you'd say that the mare was watering her flowers, not leaving her fellow ponies in a shivering, soaked mess
>Bonnie Bun's was one stone cold motherfucker
>And a cunt
>A big one
>"Maybe you should stop worrying about me and start worrying about all of the mares that are hitting you, dummy," Bon Bon called over the screaming and shouting of the mob. "Maybe then you'd stop getting hit so many times!"
>Ugh!
>Fucking Bon Bon...
>From behind Candy rump you could see a mare charging at her with noodle raised
>"I'm going to buck you up you bucking DIRT HORSE!"
>Yeah!
>You fuck that bitch up random pone
>Time seemed to slow as the charging mare sprinted closer and closer toward Bon Bon
>Bondeno didn't seem to notice her attacker, just waving your hose back and forth while humming a little tune to herself
>You watch the scene unfold holding a little horse in a headlock, a smile coming to your face and your eyes widening
>Come on!
>Hit her
>Whack her in the head!
>"ARRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH!"
>Almost there....
>"AAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!"
>Just a few more feet....
>"AAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHH!"
>Smack her RIGHT in the back of the head
>Maybe that'd knock some of the cunt out of her!
>You're practically squirming as the random little horse comes within swinging distance
>She skidded to a stop and spun herself around so she that she'd had Bon Bon a little bit harder
>Yes...YES!
>COME ON!
>YOU WERE SO. FUCKING. READY. FOR THIS!!!
>Without even looking back at her attacker, Bon Bon's back leg shoots out, hitting the little mare right in the face
 
KONK!
 
>You make a disappointed sound as the little mare crumbles in a heap, tossing the little horse in your arms into a group of mares that were about to dog pile on you
>FUCK!
>So close...
>Good try little pone
>Good try...
>Bon Bon, seeing you staring at her, frowned
>"And if you quit staring at my butt maybe I wouldn't have to take out most of the mares myself!"
>You growl, dropping one of your noodles and picking a mare up by the scruff of her neck as she tried to race around you
"I wasn't staring at your fat ass you cunt! And the only reason why you're beating down more ponies is because you're using a fucking hose!"
>You throw the little horse at another horse that was about to go for Lyra
"That shit has area of effect!"
>"Stop making things up you weirdo and keep fighting!"
>You grunt as an armored mare slams into your gut, making you take a few steps back and almost knocking the wind out of you
>Two more mares slam into both of your sides, nearly knocking you off of your feet
>"Just. Let. Us. Dig. Your. Bucking. Hole!" one of the growls, pawing at your arm
>With a snarl you shake yourself like a dog, causing the mares on you to go flying off
>"You see? If you paid attention to what the hay was going on all around you then stuff like that wouldn't happen!"
>Spitting, you lean down and grabbed the noodle that you had discarded
"Just keep hitting them with that fucking water while I keep hitting them with these noodles!"
>To your left you could hear Lyra giggling
>Yeah! Yeah! Take that!"
>When this little clash of yours had started you had been worried about the bird horses flying around
>They could have started dive bombing you or they could have even flown behind you, Bon Bon, and Lyra and started fucking around with your hole
>But, luckily, that was where Lyra came it
>The mint green little horse would use those fly swatters of her's to smack any pegasus in the sky on the nose, causing them to lose control and crash, effectively taking them out of the fight
>Which was great and all...
>But you kinda wish she could control WHERE they fucking crashed
>Your poor bird bath had been destroyed in moments, and your fence was so fucked up by the bird horses flying through it (though the little fuckers never seemed too worse for wear afterward) that the enemy had just up and tore down the rest of it
>Which was another thing that they were going to have to FUCKING PAY FOR!
>That and your fucking door
>The fucking destruction CUNTS
>"See Bonnie? I told you that I'd find something for you and Anon to bond over!" Lyra called, two of her fly swatters flashing through the air
>You head two yelps in the air before two bird horses came crashing into the mob
>"It might not be the... BEST thing to bond over but the two of you are definitely bonding!"
>"SHUT UP LYRA!" both you and Bonnie yell
>Time seems to slow after that
>Though, at most, you had been out here for ten minutes, it felt like you had been out here all day
>Battle time was weird like that... you think
>The mob of ponies in front of you try everything to overwhelm you
>You had shown them that that wasn't going to fly during the first ten minutes
> So then the mob tried to get around you so they could get at the hole
>Even if you kept beating them down eventually they dig up the hole and pull out your septic tank, especially with all of the unicorns and their dirt moving magic
>But like last time you, Lyra, and Bon Bon managed to beat them back
>And through all of this bullshit, though all of the hitting and yelling and adorable pony swearing that wasn't really swearing, looking over everything with a frown, was Applejack
>MOTHER
>FUCKING
>SILLY
>APPUL
>HOERS
>Sweet Christ above how you wanted to rush that silly pony and give her such a SMACK
>But that was just what she wanted you to do probably
>Appul hoers might have been the silliest pony around but she wasn't stupid
>She knew the second that one of you broke formation you'd all be overwhelmed
>And that'd be bad mkay?
>But as everything stood none of you were going anywhere and as the minutes ticked by the more you three ground down her little "army"
>All you needed to do was make a few more mares cry, maybe toss a couple more through the air, and...
>"Man, BUCK this!" one of the mares said, throwing down her noodle and backpedaling away from you, her eyes wide and her ears pinned back. "I'm not getting my bucking flank kicked to dig some hole!"
>...The army would start to waver
>Though both of your noodles had chunks missing and your body was REALLY starting to ache from all of the continuous activity you couldn't help but smile
>With a growl you swiped at the row of mares in front of you
>With a chorus of yelps they hop away from you
>Yes!
>You can see the bravery leaving their eyes!
>A bit more testosterone-filled aggression and mares would start to run
>And, if you were lucky, if a few mares started to run then a WHOLE BUNCH of mares would start to run
>Heh
>Only (at max) twenty minutes of fighting and you were ready to end the battle?
>These little horses were fucking plebs
"Come on then!" you yell, taking another step forward and swinging your noodles around like you had ants in your pants. "I can keep doing this all day!"
>You reach down and grab two mares that had been lying curled up on the ground sniffling
>Casualties of your might you were guessing
"I'll take you all on you little marshmallow horses!" you scream, tossing the mare into the crowd
>Bon Bon, seeing what you were trying to do, starts walking forward with her hose
>"Come on buckers! Who wants some?!"
>The mob slowly starts to back away from you, some mares throwing off their helmets, others throwing down their pool noodles and looking around for any exits
>At the moment not a single mare was trying to hit you and from what you could see no little horse was trying to dive bomb you
>They were all just kind of quietly standing there looking at you nervously
>None of them seemed to know what to do
>You could tell that more than a few of them wanted to retreat, but there were others that still wanted to take a crack at you even after seeing that their silly little horse weapons didn't do much more than piss you off
>Come on...
>Run you little niggas...
>Run on home...
>The gap between your three man/horse army and the mob increase a bit more as the mares continued to slowly back away
>You and Bon Bon didn''t even have to herd them back anymore, they were slowly retreating back toward Applejack's little command center on their own
>Just a bit more...
>Run the fuck away so I can--
>"An' where the sam 'ell do you think ya'll going?!"
>You frown as you see motherfucking Granny Smith in some weird green, apple themed robes shoving her way through the crowd toward you
>The fuck is this then?
>It takes a minute but she eventually makes her way to you
>"Are ya'll gonna let some no good, ornery, pig-headed colt walk all over ya like a bunch of door mats?!"
>Snorting, you take an aggressive step toward the elderly mare
"You best to pissing off, Granny Smith," you advise
>Looking past the crowd you see Applejack hurriedly making her way toward you all
>You could see the horror on her face
>...
>...
>...
>What?
>Did she think that you were low down enough to beat an elderly women with a pair of noodles?!
>She was right, you'd beat Granny Smith with these foam noodles until you knocked the denchers out of her mouth if she made a break for your hole, but it was still a bit shitty of her to up and assume that you'd beat up old people willy-nilly!
>The bitch
>Granny Smith frowned at you
>"Now see here ya young whipper-snapper! You're gonna stop all of this here nonsense an' let these mares do their work!"
>You smile mockingly
"They can dig up my hole any time they want, Granny. All they have to do is step over my dead fucking body to do it."
>You spread your arms out wide
"Do I got any takers? Any takers at all?"
>Your smile widens when you see the mob take a few more steps back at that
>Yeah!
>Alpha as fuark!
>"Granny! Ya get yer fanny back over here right now!" Appulz screamed
>Granny looked over her shoulder
>"I ain't standin' by an' letting this there stallion make all of us act like fools any longer!" she said with a stomp of the hoof before turning to look at you with a set jaw
>"Now listen here youngin'! Are ya gonna let all of these here mares dig yer bucking hole or am I gonna have ta bring out the big guns?
>Both Bon Bon and Lyra snort and you couldn't help but smile yourself at that
>What the hell was this fossil going to do?
>Talk you to death
"That hole's MINE to dig, Granny. Not your's, not Applejack's, not a single pony here. MY. HOLE."
>Squatting down until you were eye level with the old bag you flash her a toothy grin
"So you can bring out whoever or whatever you want to try to fucking move me but I promise you I ain't going NOWHERE."
>A look of sadness flashes across the elderly mare's face
>"An' that's yer answer then, youngin'?"
"That it is, Granny."
>Shaking her head, Granny Smith steps away from you
>"Then I'm afraid ya left me no choice," she said, placing the hood of her robe over her head and slowly standing up onto her back hooves. "I must summon the Great One ta stop yer nonsense!"
>As you stand back up to your full height the wind suddenly started to pick up
>Winds strong enough to damn near move you
>...Strange
>There wasn't a windy day scheduled today...
>Looking up you see that black clouds were starting to form over Ponyville
>What?
>There wasn't any rainstorms scheduled today either
>In fact it was supposed to be bright and sunny, without a cloud in the sky, for the rest of the week
>You, Bon Bon, Lyra, and every single little horse in the mob look at Granny Smith, watching in a mixture of confusion and awe as the old mare starts to rock back and forth, her eyes becoming hazy and unfocused
>"Oh Great Apple! I call upon thee! Leave yer sanctum within that there Everfree forest and help yer servants!"
>The clouds seemed to get darker and more pronounced as Granny Smith lifted her hooves high into the air
>Was...
>Was Granny fucking doing this?!
>You look over to your right to see Bon Bon, her head pinned to the back of her head, taking a few nervous steps back
>Looking to your left you see Lyra doing the same thing, her fly swatters falling to the ground as the mint mare's golden eyes surveyed the sky with nothing less than terror
>The crowd in front of you fare no better, every single one of them, Applejack included, moving away from Granny
>"Come! Help us beat this here critter down so that he may know of yer might and the might of the Apple family oh Great One!"
>Another gust of wind whipped through your yard, tugging at your clothes
>"Anon," Lyra yelled, her mane flying this way and that. "Anon! What the hay is she doing?!"
"I have no fucking idea what the fuck she's doing!" you yell, backing up with her and Bonnie. "You're the one with all of the magic! You tell me what the hell she's doing!"
>"This isn't like any magic I know about!" Harp butt yells back
>Another gust of air knocks the hood off of Granny's head, letting you all once again see her face
>It seemed... sharper
>More... animalistic...
>"DO DRA SHON HABBA DABBA DO SHIM SHAM THANK YOU MA'AM BOFANGLE MOMANGLE--"
>"Anon! Anon!"
>You grunt in surprise as something nails you in the back, causing you to stumble forward
>Ohsnapson!
>GetitoffgetitoffGETITOFF!
>Reflexively you reach down a pluck your attacker off of you, and you get into tossing position, but then you stop when you see that it was Twiggy Piggy
"What?!" you yell. "Can't you see that I'm a bit busy at the moment?!"
>Twilight, who must not have noticed all that BULLSHIT popping off like ten feet away from her (cause she was blind or some shit), smiles, all four of her hooves spreading out wide before wrapping themselves around you in a weird and slightly uncomfortable hug
>"Anon! I just realized that this was all a test by the Princess!" Dorkale said with a crazy(ish) look on her eyes. "I wasn't supposed to be trying to force my help on you! I was supposed to let you come to me and ask for my help like a friend SHOULD!"
>...What the fuck is she talking about?
>And why does her mane look all weird like that?
>...And what was that about a Princess?
>This wasn't a FRIENDSHIP LESSON either or whatever the hell she just said...
"Parkle, what the FUCK are you talking about?"
>Twilight nuzzled your neck
>"Princess Celestia set this all up so we could all learn something about friendship today, Anon! FRIENDSHIP!"
>She nuzzled you again, and you have to resist the urge to throw her at into the crowd of mares in front of you
>Exasperated, you look back over at Granny Smith
>Did Twilight seriously not see the world ending shit that was going on RIGHT OVER THERE?!
>What the hell was wrong with her?!
>"I'm sorry for trying to dig up your hole, Anon!" It wasn't right to try to force anything on you, even if you are a stallion," Book Hoers said, looking up at you with a big smile. "If you want to dig up your hole by yourself then you should be able to do it all by yourself! You're a person that deserves to make your own decisions and I should have respected that."
>...Huh
>It was... nice to hear someone say that
>A little sudden and out of place-- you know, since Twilot looked like she was about to lost it and with whatever the fuck Granny Smith was doing-- but it was still nice
>Maybe the little horse had an epiphany or some shit while she was fucking around in your house?...
>Yeah
>It was probably some stupid shit like that
>Fucking ponies...
>The magic of friendship (or some such faggotry) was practically sparkling in the little mare's eyes
>"But remember, if you need DO need help, with anything, you can come and..."
>Slowly trailing off, Twilight looked over at Granny Smith, then up at the blackened sky with the clouds all spinning around and shit, before she looked back at you
>"...Anon?"
"Yes Twilight?"
>"Could you please tell me what the hay's going on?"
>Gently grabbing the mare by the scruff of her neck you peel her off of you and set her down on the ground
"I fucking wish I could tell you, Narkle."
>"DTHUM DOM DURTHAGEL FORE NAGTH APPLE QUSIEM APPLE APPLA APPLERN APPLAOLU!"
>What sounded like a roar echoed out from the clouds, shaking the very earth itself and knocking you off your feet
>"ARISE GREAT APPUL! ARRRRRIIIIISSSSSEEEEEE!"
I HAVE ANSWERED YOUR CALL, GRANNY SMITH OF THE APPLES!
>One moment all you were able to see up in the sky was the clouds
>The best moment this... thing appears right above you all
AND I HAVE COME TO REAP AND DEVOUR THE NONBELIEVERS!
>HELLO!
>THAT YELLING WAS A FUCKING THING!
>"Is that a bucking giant apple with wings?!" Bon Bon yells, pointing at a... giant... apple with...
>What the hell is this shit?!
>Candybutt frowned, looking over in your direction
>"Anon, why is it whenever me and Lyra try to help you some SHIT like this happens?!"
"Because you touch yourself at night Bonnie," you immediately answer, your mind trying to process what the hell was happening in front of you
>Bon Bon's frown deepened
>"You'r mother touches herself at night you dick."
"No you!"
>That little verbal fencing out of the way you look back at all of... that
>All of that shit happening in front of you
>So...
>Old Granny Smith summoned some giant apple god thing so fuck you up?
>...Why did it have wings?
>What ever was life?
>What the hell were you doing her--
ANONYMOUS THE HUMAN! I HAVE GAZED UPON YOU AND FOUND YOU WANTING!
>The apple yelled turning (?) toward(?) you
>Holy shit is that thing weird...
>Shuffling in place uncomfortably , you look over at Bon Bon, then at Twilight, then at Lyra
"...Well fuck you too big apple thing!"
>The winged apple huffs(?)
>Wait
>Where the fuck was it's mouth and how was it--
DO NOT FEAR THIS CREATURE, DAUGHTERS OF THE APPLE AND ALLIES! HE IS A CREATURE OF FLESH AND BLOOD AS THOU ARE!
>The mob looked up at the apple, their fear slowly leaving their faces
>Though you didn't know why
>There was a GIANT, FLYING, TALKING APPLE floating above them!
RALLY THYSELVES! TAKE HEART NOW, FOR I HAVE COME TO THIS FIELD OF BATTLE TO SPILL AND SHED BLOOD WITH THEE! FIGHT LIKE LIONESSES AND HE SHALL CRUMBLE!
>Applejack threw a hoof up into the air
>"Ya heard the Great Apple, girls! Come on now, lets give ol' Anon what fer!"
>Oh shit!
>They're fucking rallying!!!
STEEL THYSELF, BEAST, FOR THOU SHALL SUFFER AN ETERNITY IN A POOL OF STALE CIDER AFTER I HAVE SMITTEN YOU!
>Double shit!!
>That thing wasn't to kill your ass!
"Hey Twilight?"
>You, Twilight, Bon Bon, and Lyra slowly back away as the big apple monster in the sky and it's horde of pone minions slowly descend upon you
>"Yeah, Anon?"
"Since you're an alicorn you're pretty much a god now right?!"
>Twilight chuckled, giving you a shove with a blush on her cheeks
>"Oh Anon! Now I wouldn't say that I was a GOD! I mean that after becoming an alicorn I might be a little more--"
"Just answer the god damned, motherfucking, pissing question Twilight!"
>Twilight stops, humming thoughtfully
>"Aw... Maaaaybe?"
>Fuck it
>You'll fucking take a maybe if it meant not getting murdered by a giant flying apple
"Hey, great! Listen, you remember when you said that you'd help me out with anything if I asked for it?"
>"You mean the whole thing that--"
"Yeah, yeah, that! Look, I'm going to have to ask you that favor right now!"
>The armored mares in front of you lower their pool noodles while they shouted and jeered at you
"Could you take out that fucking flying apple demon while me, Bonnie, and Lyra deal with everyone on the ground?"
>You stop your retreating and look at her
"Can you do that for me, Twilight?"
>The giant flying apple seems to glow for a moment
DO NOT TEST ME YOUNG ALICORN! I AM FAR BEYOND THEE!
>The apple warned
IF THOU TRIES TO STOP ANY OF US THERE SHALL BE NO MERCY FOR THEE!
>Twilight looks at the big apple then at you, her ears splayed back
>Come on Darkle...
>Help a nigga out...
>For once in your little horse life go ahead and be based...
>Twilight closed her eyes and took a deep breath before looking up at you with a determined smile
>"Alright! I'll help you Anon!"
>Fuck Yes!
>Narkle for the motherfuckin--
>"B-But if I help y-you I want you to do something for m-me..."
>You stop
>Bon Bon and Lyra stop
>The mob stop
>Even the fucking apple stops
>And you all just look at Twinought
"...What do you want?"
>Twilight looked away from you, rubbing a leg shyly
>"Well... could you give me a... k-kiss after a-all of this is o-over?"
>You don't think you've seen the little mare any redder as she looked back up at you
>"I-If y-you don't m-min--"
>Twilight squeaked when you kneeled down and put your hands on her shoulders
"Twilight."
>"Y-Yes A-Anon?"
>You point at the big apple
"If you keep that thing from mashing my potatoes then I'll give you all the kisses you want."
>Darkle seemed to perk up considerably at that
>"R-Really?!"
>You nod
"Really, really."
>"Y-You Pinkie Promise?"
"Cross my heart and hope to cry, stick a cupcake in my eye," you say, going through the motions
>Now grinning like a crazy person, Twilight takes off into the air
>"Then don't you worry, Anon! I'm beat the hay out of this apple monster and w-we can k-kiss all we w-want afterward!"
>The apple rises up in the air a little more
COME THEN, CHILD! IF THOU WISHES TO FIGHT A GOD THEN LET US TAKE OUR BATTLE TO THE SKIES!
>As you get back up you notice that somewhere in the middle of the big winged monster apple appearing you tossing horses around you seemed to have lost your noodles
>You look down at you empty hands before looking over your shoulder
>About a foot away from you, Bon Bon, and Lyra was your hole
>None of you could back up anymore; you all either had to make your stand here or you'd all have to run away
>And there was no way in hell that you were running away
>Not now
"I SEEMED TO HAVE MISPLACED MY WEAPONS!" you shout at the once again advancing mob, your teeth bared as you squat down into a fighter's stance.
"THANK GOODNESS THERE'S A GREAT BIG GROUP OF HORSES HERE THAT I CAN REARM MYSELF FROM!"
>Once again slamming your fists against your chest, you look out at the mob like they were the scum of the earth
"COME ON THEN, LADIES! COME AND MAKE MY FUUUUCCCCKKKKIIIIINNNNGGGG DAY!
 
BE TWILIGHT SPARKLE
I SHALL SLAY THEE UPON THIS BATTLEFIELD, TWILIGHT SPARKLE: YOUNGEST OF THE ALICORNS! ALL WHO LOOK BACK UPON THIS DAY WILL KNOW MY MIGHT AND KNOW THY WEAKNESS!
>You know, you honestly never expected any of those aerial combat books that you read while back in Canterlot would have any use
>You had only read them out of boredom, back when you were a pudgy purple unicorn that didn't into friendship
>But now you were a perfectly healthy and not puddy at all alicorn
>With wings!
>And right now you had a winged apple god chasing you through the air at high speeds
>Speeds that SHOULD have been impossible for the boulder-sized apple if you looked at the laws of Aeronautics and--
 
ZING!
 
>You yelp as a bolt of white magic shoots right above your head
"MOTHERBUCKER! STOP. SHOOTING. AT ME!"
>And since a giant flying apple was trying to kill you in the fly, and since you both were flying, it looked like all of those flying techniques in the books were going to be put to good use
I WILL FLAY THE SKIN FROM THY BONES!
>...So if those books were useful than maybe that one you read about how to make paper mache teddy bear might help you in the futur--
THOU CANNOT RUN FROM THE GREAT APPLE, WELP! MY STEM IS LONG REACHING AND MY VENGEANCE IS ETERNAL!
>Oh yeah
>You had a flying apple trying to kill you
>...You should probably be focusing on that and not that dumb shit about useless books that you've read over the years....
>Yeah, that'd probably help
"HEY!... WHY DON'T YOU GO BUCK YOURSELF!"
>With a mighty flap you rise into the air before tucking your wings against your sides
>Your momentum takes your up a little farther before you feel gravity grab ahold of you and start to pull you back down toward the earth
YOU WILL NOT BEST ME, TWILIGHT SPARKLE!
>The apple boomed, speeding toward your quickly slowing down form
CEASE YOUR STRUGGLES AND I SHALL MAKE YOUR DEATH QUICK!
"Comeoncomeoncomeoncomeoncomeon!"
>Hurry the buck up gravity!
>You bitch!!
>As you begin your descent to the ground you tuck your legs in to give you just a bit less wind resistance
>Alright
>Lets do this
>Time to wreck shit!
>The wind whips at your face as your body falls, the wind stinging your eyes as you quickly pick up speed
>Out in the distance you could see the black cloud covering the town
>A bit above that you could see the unicorn mountain range and Canterlot in the center of it standing atop the highest mountain top
>For some reason, as you're fall toward the earth, you couldn't help but wonder how your parents were doing
DIVING INTO THE CLOUDS WILL NOT SAVE YOU CHILD! THERE IS NO BARRIER ON THIS OR ANY OTHER WORLD THAT I CANNOT SEE THROUGH!!
>It HAD been a while since you've seen your mom or dad
>Maybe a bit too long
>...You know what?
>After this was all over you'd get Spike to send them a letter to see how they were doing...
>No
>You'd take Spike up with you to Canterlot so you could visit mom and dad
>You bet dad would like that
>The apple, seeing you falling, quickly dives with you, trailing behind as it fires more bolts of death your way
>Which was another odd thing because you couldn't see where the hay it was casting
>Usually you'd need a central point of focus for a spell (i.e. a horn or a staff or the tip of a finger) but with this apple it looked like it just fired its spell out of nothing!
>Which was really interesting given the--
 
ZING!
 
>Oh
>Oh right
>You needed to DODGE the bolts that would probably kill you if they so much as grazed you so that you didn't DIE
>You know, like the book said!
>Keeping your wings tucked in tight you awkwardly weave randomly through the air as best as you can, dodging bolt after bolt that flies your way
>Come on... come on...
>Just a little more...
>You were going to look so cool if you pulled this shit off...
>Like a missile you fly down through the black clouds (keeping your mouth closed so you don't get a mouthful of whatever they were made out of) and toward the ground, where the mother of all battles appeared to be happening
>There were armored mares as far as the eye could see
>So many that they spanned almost the half the bucking town
>And Ponyville wasn't a small bucking town!
>Some of them were carrying shovels
>Others were carrying weapons of war
>Even over the screaming of the wind in your ears you could hear the army-- maybe one of the biggest ever seen on Equestrian soil-- yelling, cheering, singing war songs and screaming prayers
>You don't think you've ever seen this many ponies in one place before...
>Certainly not like this at least
>This mob, this army, this... sea of ponies looked like they would be able to sweep over any obstacle that dared oppose it
>It was a giant beast
>Unmoveable
>Savage
>unstoppable
>A force of nature itself
>And anypony trying to stop it should have been swept aside like they were nothing
>Should
>You said should
>Because, there, in Anon's yard, the mighty beast was finding itself stopped in its tracks
>Though he was barely a dot from where you were you saw Anon, not a few feet from his hole, fighting like his life depended on it
>Which, in retrospect, it probably did
>Though the mob below you moved and swelled and charged toward that hole not a single one of them seemed to make it
>They were either tossed away, or beaten down then tossed away, or hosed down and beaten down then tossed away
>You can't help but smile in excitement at the thought of your hopefully, maybe, sweet-Celestia-above-please-please-please soon to be coltfriend fighting all of those mares down there and WINNING
>WINNING!!!
>Heh
>It looked like you found yourself a warrior prince like the ones in your fantasy (dork) novels (and self-written fanfiction of said novels)
>Wonder if--
 
Zing! Zing!
 
"EEP!"
>Another bolt of magic flies by your head
>Like so close that you could smell the fried air particles
SO YOU SHALL NOT FACE ME? YOU WISH TO RUN? VERY WELL! I SHALL RIP OUT THY SOUL AND FORCE IT INTO AN APPLE TREE YOU WRETCHED COWARD!
>OHBUCKINGSHIIIIIT!!!
>The winged apples attacks seem to increase the closer you get to the ground
>Bolts fly through the air in such heavy concentrations that it might as well have been rain
>Eventually the only thing you can do it dodge and pray that one of his magic missiles doesn't hit you by chance
>COME ON!
>You couldn't die now!
>You still had to beat this thing and get your kiss from Anon!
>He had said that he was going to smooch you and everything in front of a bunch of ponies!
>So you COULDN'T mess this up!
>The ground seems to racing up towards you as the seconds tick by, the houses and ponies below becoming sharper and more pronounced as you fly downward
>You're moving so fast that you've had to close your eyes to keep the wind from bucking them up and, if your calculations are correct, you're going fast enough to nearly break the sound barrier
>A speed that most pegasi didn't dare go because normally their bodies couldn't take it
>If you were a normal bird horse the moment you tried to open your wings at this speed they'd be ripped off you faster than you could spit
>Which you'd imagine would hurt
>A lot-lot
>Luckily for you you were NOT a normal bird horse
>You were an alicorn
>And being an alicorn meant that your body was quite a bit more durable than a normal pony's body
>And it also helped that you had magic on your side
>Magic that you neededtousenowbeforeyouhitthegroundanddied!!!!
I SHALL CRUSH THEE, WORM! THOU SHALL BE NOTHING MORE THAN PASTE ON THE GROUND IN WHICH I SHALL GROW MY CHILDREN ON!!!
>Your fur stood on end as you felt a massive amount of magic being built up behind you
I PROMISE THAT THOU SHALL NOT EVADE THIS ONE, PUP! NOW DIE!
>Alright!
>It's now or never!
>Timetodothis!!!
"AWWWWWWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!"
>Now screaming at the top of your lungs you unleash the magic that you had been gathering since the beginning of your little fall into a series of spells that would hopefully save you from becoming a pony pancake and make you look really cook and alpha mare material at the same time
>Firin'thrustersCap'n!
>Light explodes off of your horn and your vision blurs for a second as you cast your spells in quick secession
> It takes a few seconds, but soon you feel tingling all over your body
>Tingling that quickly turns painful
"AURGH!"
>Bars of magic encase your wings
>Wings that, as the seconds passed, grew to an utterly massive size
>OhmygoshthishurtsmorethanIthoughtitwould!!!
>Adrenaline and pain spurring you onward, you throw a quick prayer to anypony listening and unfurl your wings
>Don'tfailmenowmagic!!
>Vertigo makes your stomach do flips and puts your lungs in your throat as your body violently slows down before you flap your wings
>The bones in your wings groan in protest but they don't break
>They withstood a force that you weren't even going to bother calculating
>Now it's time to see just how strong these puppies are!
>GOTTAGOFAST!
 
ZIIIINNNNNGGGGGGGG!
 
>Moving so fast that it feels like your eyeballs were in your colon, you fly above the winged apple just as it launches a storm of magic right here you had been a moment ago
>...Owowowowowowowo
>Gritting your teeth you quickly charge up another spell
"YOU MISSED YOU DUMB HUNK OF FRUIT!"
>Almost faster than you could see the apple spins around to face(?) you
HOW DID--
>Not giving it a chance to say a darned thing you launch a fireball at it
>The apple's wings flap desperately to dodge your attack but it may as well have been moving through honey
 
BOOM!
 
URGH!
>The apple cries, flying backward
YOU DARE--
>Moving faster than most ponies could dream about you close the distance between you and the apple
"SO NOW IT'S MY BUCKING TURN!"
>Your magically toughened hooves connect against the apple's shiny hide with another boom and with a flap of your wings you start to force it downward
>The apple's magical bolts fly over your head as you flap your wings as hard as you can, driving the apple down toward the cold, hard ground
>Realizing what you were trying to do, the apple tries to do a barrel roll to make you slide off the things but you had prepared for that, simply slowing down a bit, letting it do its roll, and slamming right back down on it
STOP... THIS... AT... ONCE!
>You were going to turn this bucking thing into the worlds biggest batch of applesauce!
>Nopony gets away with trying to murder Twilight Sparkle!
>Nor do they get away with threatening Anon!
>YOUR ANON!
I SAID STOP THIS AT ONCE YOU--
"JUST SHUT THE BUCK UP AND GET SMASHED ALREADY!"
>Letting your magic flow through your body you give the apple one last hard buck
 
BOOM!
 
>A sonic rainboom rips through the sky as the apple flies toward the ground
>And into a hou--
 
BOOOOOOOOMMMM!!!!
 
>...
>...
>...
>...You really hope that there was nopony in that house
>...Or in any of the houses around THAT house
>Cause that would have been bad
>Really, really, really, really BAD
>..Maybe the next time you kick something so hard that it breaks the sound barrier you should do it in an area that's a little less... populated?
>For safety reasons and all that?
>...Yeah...
>You really need to remember that next time...
>Flapping your giant wings (which looked pretty AWESOME by the way) you take a moment to survey the damage you caused
>...
>...
>...
>Well...
>Shit...
>It looked like you might have knocked down a whole block
>...But on the bright side you had kicked the winged apple through the houses and not where all of the ponies were standing around
>So at least that was something right?
>...
>Maybe you should have thought through that plan a little--
HUMPH, IT APPEARS THAT I MAY HAVE MISJUDGED THEE, YOUNG TWILIGHT SPARKLE
>Your eyes widened in shock
>Wait
>There was no way that--
 
ZING!
 
>You cry out in pain as a bolt of white magic comes flying out from the ruined part of town and hits one of your massive wings
>You fall out of the sky for a few dozen feet before you manage to catch yourself in the air
"...OW..."
>Gritting your teeth, you quickly use your magic to heal your damaged wing
"How the hay did you--"
>Dust and debris go flying as something comes flying out of the ruined buildings
I HAD COME INTO OUR FIGHT EXPECTING I FACED A CHILD THAT DID NOT KNOW HER WAY AROUND A BATTLEFIELD
>You yelp in surprise as the winged apple, with not a single scratch on it, just... appears in front of you
>With another yelp you flap your wings, distancing yourself from it
>HOW WAS THAT BUCKING THING STILL MOVING AROUND?!
>YOU KICKED IT HARD ENOUGH TO BREAK THE SOUND BARRIER!
>The apple floats into the air, regarding you with... whatever the hay that it was looking out from
>If that thing had a mouth you were SURE that it'd be smiling
IT APPEARS THAT I HAVE QUITE THE WARRIOR STANDING BEFORE ME. A WARRIOR THAT I HAVE DISRESPECTED IN MY ARROGANCE
>The apple dipped its body toward you
IF I HAD KNOWN THAT I HAD A FIGHTER IN MY MIDST I WOULD HAVE NOT HELD BACK AS I HAVE
>Wait
>THAT THING'S BEEN HOLDING BACK THE WHOLE TIME?!
>What kind of bullshit is that?!
THAT IS A MISTAKE I WILL RECTIFY AT ONCE!!!"
>There was a flash of light that forced you to cover your eyes
READY YOURSELF, TWILIGHT SPARKLE! FOR I SHALL COME AT YOU WITH EVERYTHING I HAVE!!!
>You gulp as you open your eyes to see what the apple had become
>...
>...
>...
>Double shit
"...Actually, would you mind holding back some more please? I'd appreciate it since--"
READY THYSELF!
>Oh buck you right up the buckin--
 
BANG!
BE ANON
>"KEEP PUSHING GIRLS!"
>"JUST A LITTLE BIT MORE AND WE'LL GET'EM!"
>"THAT HOLE'S OURS MONKEY MAN!"
>And things were starting to get pretty fucking rough
>After that apple... thing appeared and gave the crowd that little pep talk the army of mares had come at you with a zealous-like ferocity
>It took a bit longer to beat them down with your noodles
>They no longer flinched as you tossed one of their number through the air
>They didn't even bother trying to move out of the way of Bon Bon's hose of death
>Hell, your screaming and shouting wasn't even doing anything anymore!
>You were fighting a new breed of little horse
>And, at that moment, things weren't looking good
>"ANON YOU NEED TO KEEP THEM OFF ME!" Bon Bon, yelled, booting a mare in the face before weaving under a pool noodle
>You grunt as no less than five mares launch themselves at you, nearly knocking you on your ass as they pounded you with hoof and noodle alike
"I'M A BIT FUCKING BUSY HERE MYSELF, BONNIE!" you scream, ripping the little horses off of your body as quickly as you could and throwing them out of your yard
>Lyra, who had to summon up a bunch more fly swatters to deal with all of the new pegasi flying around in the air yelps as she dodged a noodle swung at her
>"ANON! WE NEED TO FIGURE OUT SOMETHING SOON 'CAUSE MY MAGIC'S GONNA RUN OUT EVENTUALLY!" mint pone say, her coat matted in sweat and her mane frazzled
"JUST KEEP FIGHTING! IF WE KEEP FIGHTING THEN--"
>"SHIT!" Bon Bon screamed
>Whacking another little horse with your noodle so hard that you swear you saw one of her teeth fly out of her mouth, you look over to see what the hell Bonny Buns was on about
>You had expected that one of the little horses had finally managed to hit her or tackle her to the ground or something like that
>What you saw was a hell of a lot worse
>The water from the hose wasn't coming out as powerfully; in fact it looked...
>Shit
>SHIT!
>SHITSHITSHITSHITSHIT!
>"THEY GOT AT THE BUCKING FAUCET AND TURNED THE HOSE OFF!" Bon Bon screamed in anger, watching as the hose's water trickled down to nothing before throwing it down in disgust
>Seeing that that they weren't about to get a jet of water to the face, a group of mares charged Candy Butt with a terrifying roar
>Heh
>She's definitely gonna get the cunt ass of her's--
>With a very un pony-like snarl, Bon Bon launched herself forward the group
>Now...
>You really couldn't explain what she... DID to them
>...You saw a bunch of flipping and spinning and you swear to god above that Bon Bon hit one of the ponies with this blue spinning ball... thing
>And then something like a small explosion went off and a smoke cloud surrounded them all ...
>You know?
>Eh, what the fuck ever
>All you know was by the end of it there were a group of mares laying around the panting angry little horse
"... WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?!"
>With a back flip (the fuck?...) Bon Bon is right back to your side
>"DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT!" she yelled, getting into this weird, horse kung fu stance. "WE GOT COMPANY INCOMING!"
>Company?
>What the hell ohmygodheretheycomeagain!
>The next few minutes are a flurry of noodles, hooves, and you tossing what felt like a MILLION fucking ponies through the air
>Somewhere during this intense, pain in the ass of a fight, you had lost both of your noodles once again, forcing you to use your hands to slap around the horses
>Bon Bon seemed have to picked up a noodle, her coat matted and her breathing ragged, and was fucking EVERYTHING around her up
>Lyra looked like she was ready to kneel over, more and more of her fly swatters falling to the ground as she was forced to conserve more and more magic
>You weren't doing any better
>Your body was REALLY starting to ache
>And with each tackle and each hit you found yourself recovering less and less
>Shit
>It looked like your three man army was going to be overwhelmed
>You put up one hell of a fight but the enemy was too numerous and too determined
>Though it had looked like you were going to pull out in the beginning it had turned bad and there was nothing that you'd be able to do about it...
>But that didn't mean you were gonna go out like some fucking BITCH!
>FUCK THAT!
>If you were going out right now you were leaving this world the way you came in it
>Being a general nuisance and a bother to everyone around you!
"COME ON, YOU CUNTS!" you scream, throwing punches, throwing out kicks, tossing your body weight around, doing everything to fight back and keep the mob at bay. "I STILL HAVE A HELL OF A LOT OF FIGHT IN ME!"
>"Not fer long ya don't!"
>Your pupils dilate as you hear that FUCKING voice
>A voice that easily carried across the battlefield
>A voice that had that country twang that made you twitch
"Fucking... Applejack..."
>And lo and behold there was the silly pony herself, not five feet from you with a paddle in her mouth
>The mob, seeing that their leader was ready to join the fray, parted for the mare
"And what the fuck do you think you're gonna do with that, Apple horse?" you growl
>Tree Kicker grins
>I remember sayin' somethin' about puttin' ya over my knee and teachin' ya some manners," she said around the handle in her mouth
>You find yourself growling as she takes a step toward you
>"An' I mean ta do it with this here paddle."
>She pats one of her legs
>"Now why don't ya come over here and take yer medicine like a good stallion?"
>Some of the mob jeers at you as you look at Applejack
>Dis...
>Dis here little nigga was playing with forces beyond her control
>Ain't nobody paddling Anon. Y Mous
>Not your fucking dad when you were little, not your mom, not your teachers, and not this here little FUCKING HORSE RIGHT HERE!!
>With teeth bared you flipped Appul hoers the bird
>She doesn't know what it means but it makes you feel a bit better
"Why don't you fucking come here and make me you fucking apple humper?"
>The smile on Applejack's face vanishes
>"Ya best watch yer buck--"
"Fuck off the end of my dick, Applejack, you apple-themed cunt."
>Everything's silent after that
>No one moves a muscle
>You and Appulz glare at each other, not blinking, not turning away
>Bon Bon hands you a pool noodle that she got from fuck knows where
>Appulz kicks at the dirt
>You ready yourself for her charge
>Wait for it...
>Wait for it...
>Waaaaaiiiiitttttt fffffooooorrrrr iiiiittttt.........
>NOW!!!
>The two of you launch yourselves forward
>"AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!"
"AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!"
>Applejack cocks her head back while you ready to swing your noodle
>You had to hit the bitch first!
>If you didn't hit her first she'd fuck you up with that paddle!
>Like fuck up fuck up!
>Cause it was real wood and shit!
>So if you just stunned her and you manged to grab--
 
BOOOOOOOOM!!!
 
>Both you and Applejack, not five feet from each other, skid to a halt as a purple blur flies through the air so fast that there's an air cone around it
>Whatever the hell it was arches in the air before it started to fall down toward...
>OHFUCKINGSHIT!
>Spinning around so fast that you nearly give yourself whiplash, you run back toward your hole as fast as your legs can take you
>Applejack, seeing where the blur was headed, and seeing just how fast it was going, dropped her paddle in panic, spinning around and looking at the mob
>"GET OUTTA THE WAY, YA'LL! IT'S COMING RIGHT FER US!"
>Not looking back you scoop both Lyra and Bon Bon into your arms, ignoring their cries of shock, indignation, and protest, and hopped into your hole
>Ponies are climbing over each other to get out of the way, shouting in panic as the blur grew ever closer
>Along with the air cone you could see, at it's edges, the blur looked like it was on fire
>And if you knew anything about anything you knew that whenever something had flames on it, be that real flames or flames painted on, it was going pretty, really, terribly, fast
>And stick a carrot up your ass and call you the Easter Bunny if the fucking thing wasn't about it hit your fucking yard
>...God fucking damnit...
"GET YOUR HEADS DOWN!" you scream, grabbing the two little mares in your arms, sitting against the wall of your hole, and holding them close. "THAT FUCKING THINGS ABOUT TO--"
 
BOOOOOOOOM!
POP!
 
>You held onto Lyra and Bonnie, shield them as best as you can, as the ground shook above you, throwing rock and dirt everywhere, the second that thing hit the ground
>The boom that it made was so loud that if you hadn't been hiding in your hole your eardrums probably would have exploded
>Everything's gonna be fine old boy...
>Just keep hiding in your hole until the earth stopped fucking shaking...
>Your hole wasn't going to collapse and kill you
>And the earth most certainly wasn't going to open up and swallow you all
>And just ignore the sudden wetness in your pants...
>You can just blame it on Bon Bon after this was all over...
>Stay calm, stay calm, STAY CALM...
>You don't know how long the earth shakes, or if anyone that wasn't in your hole was alright, or if your fucking house was still intact, but, eventually, the ground stops shaking and your ears stop ringing
>It takes a bit longer for you or the little horses to stop shaking but eventually you find yourself sitting at the bottom of your hole, your pants soaked in what was DEFINITELY not your own piss, with Bon Bon and Lyra holding onto you like their lives depended on it and their muzzles buried in your neck
>"...Anon?" Lyra finally says after a few minutes of everything being silent
>You crack open an eye to look at the dirt-covered and frazzled little horse
"Yeah?"
>"Are you alright?"
>Despite the situation you couldn't help but snort, giving the mint pone a scratch under the chin with a shaky hand
"Yeah, I'm alright."
>You look up out at the sky above your hole
"But I'm not sure about everything that's up there."
>Lyra's golden eyes look over your face before she looks up at the sky with you
>"I'm sure everyponies alright..."
"Yeah... I'm sure too..."
>Feeling particularly generous, you give Bonnie Bun's chest a scratch as you and Lyra go quiet again
>Huh...
>It sounded pretty dead up there...
>Hopefully no one died on your lawn...
>You really didn't want to somehow get sued over this...
>Still looking up at the sky, Lyra lays her head on your chest
>"...Anon?"
"Yeah?"
>"What do you think's up here?"
>She looks back at you
>"I mean what do you think crashed?"
>You give the little horse another scratch to keep her calm while you hum thoughtfully
"I really couldn't--"
>"Did you pee your pants?"
>Doing your very best not to flinch you look over at Bon Bon, who's glaring at you
"...Come again?"
>Disgust fills the earth ponies face as she wiggles in your lap
>"I said did you pee your pants?" Bon Bon snapped. "Your pants are wet and I sure as hay did--"
>Timetonipsthisinthebud!
>With a gasp you push Bon Bon off of you
"Bon Bon, you sick fucking horse! Did you fucking pee on me?!"
>Lyra gasped as you looked down at your wet pants
"Lyra, look at this shit!" you yell, pointing at your pants before pointing at Bon Bon. "Bon Bon over there peed ALL over me!"
>Lyra looks at Bon Bon with wide eyes as Bon Bon growls
>"Anon! You know I didn;t--"
>"Bon Bon!" Lyra interrupts, wrapping her hoofsies around your neck and pulling your head toward your belly. "What the hay's wrong with you! Peeing on poor Anon then trying to blame it one him!"
>Bon Bon's eye twitches, and you very nearly laugh at the expression of disbelief on her face, before the candy mare stomps a hoof
>"Anon, you dumb bucking monkey! Don't you go and trying to blame that on my when you obviously peed your--"
>You bury your face into Lyra's belly with a fake sob
"S-She p-peed all o-over me, Lyra," you say as she holds you close. "S-She peed a-all over m-me a-and r-ruined my p-pj's..."
>Lyra gasped again, pointing a hoof at Bon Bon while you shake with laughter
>So sweet Jesus above look at Bon Bon's fucking face!
>Keks4daysson
>"On his bucking pj's Bonnie! ON HIS BUCKING PJ'S! Have you no shame?!?!?!"
>Bon Bon looks all around your hole, probably trying to find something to hit you with
>But was that a flustered look you spied?
>"I-I didn't, I couldn't I-I--"
>"...Ow..."
>The three of you freeze as you hear a voice coming from right above your hole
>"Anon, did you hear that?"
"Yeah, I heard it..."
>Gently pushing Lyra off you, and ignoring the big ol' wet patch in your crotch area, you slowly get to your feet
>That little horse up there sounded like she was hurt
>And, while you wanted these fucking ponies off of your property you REALLY didn't want to see them seriously hurt
>So, against your better judgement, and with a little help from both Bon Bon and Lyra, you poke your head out of your hole to see what was happening
>You were expecting one of the mares in the mob to be laying in a heap right next to your hole on fire or some shit
>What you weren't fucking expecting was Twiggy Piggy, all bruised and battered with her wings spread out wide on the dirt, laying not three feet away from your hole
>Behind her it looked like god's hand had come down on high and had dig a trench into the ground, starting from the other end of the street to your yard
>Dirt was everywhere, everything was on fire, the mob that had been in your lawn had fucked off a to the other street where Twilight here didn't drag her sorry hiester through the dirt at a violent speed
>But you weren't paying attention at all of that
>Right now you were focused on Twilight
>Scrambling out of your hole you run to the poor purple horse
>Holy hell
>You REALLY hopped that you wouldn't have to shoot Twilight now
>...Or did they have pone hospitals in Horseland?
>You honestly could remember at the moment...
>Hitting your knees you scoop the little mare up and set her head in your lap
"Twilight, TWILIGHT! Are you alright? Say something!"
>Groaning, Twilight's eyes slowly opened, her eyes slowly focusing on you
>"Anon?" she said weakly
>You nod, holding her close
"Yeah, yeah, it's me, Twilight. I'm here."
>She smiled , her eyes closing as she tucked her legs against her furry little chest
>"I'm... sorry but I couldn't... stop the apple," Twilight murmured as you did your best to put her wings back to her sides. "It was... too strong..."
THOU MANAGED TO SHIELD YOURSELF AS I SENT THEE CRASHING TOWARD THE GROUND? IMPRESSIVE.
>Looking up you see the winged apple hovering above you, a glowing aura coming off it's body, it's white wings now sparkling, and it's stem... longer?
>Did that fucking apple go fucking super sayian?!
BUT THOU LIE DEFEATED, TWILIGHT SPARKLE. EVEN THOUGH THOU MANAGED TO PROTECT THYSELF FROM THE BRUNT OF MY ATTACK THY MAGIC IS USED UP. I HAVE WON AND I WILL TAKE THE SPOILS OF WAR
>The apple regards (?) you
NOW RISE, ANONYMOUS THE HUMAN! YOUR ALLIES LIE--
>Something in your snaps, your vision turning red
>Gently pulling Twilight off of your lap you look over at Lyra, and Bon Bon, who had somehow managed to climb out of your hole
"I'm going to need you to get Narkle out of here."
>With a grunt you get to your feet and stare hatefully at the giant winged apple
"OI! FUCKHEAD!"
>The apple stops its monologuing (or whatever the fuck it was doing) and stares (?) at you
DO NOT INTERRUPT YOUR BETTERS, PUP! I--
>With a roar you launch yourself toward the flying apple
"YOU FUCKED UP!"
>The apple tries to back away as you race toward it, charging up some fuck-you-and-everyone-you-ever-loved magic to blast you to bits, but you're too fast
"YOU FUCKING FUCKED UP!"
>With another roar you launch yourself in the air and toward the apple
FOOL! I-- URGH!
>Your fingers dig into the apple's flesh as you grab ahold of it, causing the apple to take off high into the air
>Still growling and snarling and just being an angry motherfucker in general, you hold on tight to the apple as it spins around and bobs and weaves through the air, desperately trying to shake you off
"BECAUSE OF YOU MY YARDS NOW FUCKED UP AND ON FIRE AND ONE OF MY FRIENDS IS FUCKING HURT YOU CUNT!"
>The apple lets out another pained yell as you wrenched your fingers from the holes that they had put in the apple and drove them right back into a new spot
CEASE YOUR ACTIONS AT ONCE, CREATURE! I-- AURGH!
>You slowly start to climb the apple's body, your mouth frothing and your vision tinted in red
"AND I FUCKING BET YOU TOLD APPLEJACK AND ALL OF THESE FUCKING LITTLE PONIES TO COME TO MY YARD AND FUCK WITH ME, DIDN'T YOU?!"
>The mob of mares on the ground look like they're about to shit their collective pants as the apple fires off a barrage of spells wildly into the air
>Applejack in particular looks like she's about to faint
>"A-Anon!" she shouts up at you. "Ya leave the Great Apple alone, ya hear? Get yer fingers outta him and--"
"YOU THINK YOU'RE SO FUCKING TOUGH? WELL YOU WON'T BE SO FUCKING TOUGH AFTER I'VE FUCKING EATEN YOU!"
>The apple cork screws through the air, stopping suddenly before speeding up to incredible speeds
>Your legs dangle useless behind you but you don't need them
>Your hate stiffy will anchor you down
C-CREATURE! IF THOU RELEASES ME FROM THY GRASP THAN I WILL--YEOW!"
>You sink your teeth deep into the apple's apple-y hide, shaking your head back and forth before you rip a big chunk out of the apple
>FUCK. THE. POLICE!
>Spitting out the mouthful of apple you growl
"How about that you fucking cunt?!"
>With another ear-splitting cry, the apple slams into a building
>You let out a cry of your own, and you can feel something snap inside of you, but you manage to hold on
>You weren't gonna let go of this fucker!
>Not until it was in PIECES!
S-STOP THAT AT ONC--OW! CREATURE! I WILL LAY A CUR--OW! UPON THOU AND THY--AW! FOREBEARERS FOR--OW!"
>Applejack throws down her helmet as you keep taking big chunks out of the apple
>"Anon! ANON! YA BETTER QUIET EATING THE GREAT APPLE RIGHT NOW OR I'M GONNA GIVE YA SUCH A THRASHING WHEN YA GET DOWN HERE! I SWEAR TA CELESTIA!"
>The flying apple keeps slamming you against buildings but you barely feel it after the second or third time
>Your hate stiffy had transcended reality
>Where did this fucking apple get off flying and using magic and talking and shit?!
>You'll fucking teach it!
>You'll teach it good!
STOP--AW! FEASTING UPON--EEK! MY FLESH--OWOWOWOWOWOWOW!
>The apple dipped in the air, it's wings flapping weakly
JACK OF THE APPLES! MARES OF THE APPLE CLAN AND IT'S ALLIES! COME TO MY--
>Reaching up you paw for one of the apple's wings
"I'm... going... to fucking... fuck you.... up..." you grunt, your fingers straining as you paw at the apple's wing joint
>Almost....
>There....
>And...
 
SNAP!
 
>The apple lets out a pained shriek as you reach up, grab its wing joint, and pull on it with all of your might
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
>And just like that you're sent spinning toward the ground with this big fucking apple, holding onto it with all of your might
>HolyfuckingSHIT
>BRACEYOURSELFNIGGA!
 
BOOM!
 
>You're thrown off the apple and sent rolling as you and the apple hit the ground with a bone breaking amount of force
"Argh..." you groan, forcing yourself to a knee with a shake of your head. "I'm... not... done... yet..."
>Sweet Christ above that's gonna smart like a motherfucker tomorrow...
>And for a long while after that...
>Opening an eye you see Applejack's paddle, looking as good as new, right next to your foot
>Reaching down you grab it before turning toward the winged apple, both of its mighty wings bent at awkward angles and it's whole body cut up and bitten up and bruised
>Forthefuckinemperorwemarch.jnp
>You begin lumping toward it
>Seeing you advancing toward it the apple tries to weakly flap its wings
P-PLEASE, HAVE M-MERCY!
>You growl as you point the paddle at it
"I'm going to fucking hit you with this fucking this until you split in half you fucking prick!" you promise
>You didn't care that you vision was blurry, and you didn't care that you could see darkness at the ends of your vision you were going to go over there and--
>"AAAAAANNNNNNOOOOOOONNNNNNN!"
>Out of the corner of your eye you see an orange blur racing toward you
>If you weren't so fucked up you might have been able to dodge or roll or do SOMETHING to get out of the way but you honestly didn't know how you were still up and walking
>There was a good chance that you broke more than a few ribs when that apple slammed you into all of those buildings, your left leg didn't feel right, and you were pretty sure you had a concession
>So the blur that was Applejack was able to charge at you at full tilt and DECK you hard enough to knock you off your feet with a surprised grunt and send the two of you head over heel into your hole
>A wet crunch fills your ears and stars flash across your vision as you hit that cold, unforgiving earth face first
>Your vision starts to go black, and all of the rage that had been keeping you going for so long was starting to drain out of your body
>If you weren't hurt before you certainly were now
>And it wasn't a good pain
>...
>...
>...
>Welp
>It looked like this was it
>You were too hurt to continue and you were about to pass the fuck out because of the pain
>The spirit was willing but the body was too broken...
>...Heh
>At least you got some good hits in right?
>AND you fucked up some sort of apple god
>So that was something right?
>With a wheezing chuckle you let your body go limp
>Above you you see an orange blur moving back and forth and you can barely register that someone had rolled you onto your back and was now yelling something into your ear but you just ignore it
>Sorry little pone...
>Anonymous isn't in right now...
>Please leave a message at the end of the beep...
>Though it hurts you chuckle again, slowly closing your--
ARISE MY WAR BOY! YOU STILL NOT HAVE EARNED YOUR PLACE IN VALHALLA! YOU MUST FIGHT FOR ME UNTIL THE END!
>Your half-lidded eyes snap all the way open
>Was that voice...
>Coming from below you?...
YOU ARE DESTINED TO RIDE ETERNAL, MY WAR BOY! BUT NOT YET!
>You're not sure how you did it but you manage to roll your head to the side
>There, past the orange blur, something shiny and metal-y could be seen
YES, ANONYMOUS, IT IS I! YOUR SEPTIC TANK! THE ONE WHO YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO DIG UP TO FIND YOUR GLORY!
>You blink, a frown making its way into your face
"...What?... Septic tanks... don't talk..." you mutter
>Impossibly, you can hear the septic tank below you chuckle
THAT IS WHERE YOU ARE WRONG, MY WARRIOR! NOW ARISE! SHOW THESE PONIES THAT YOU ARE AWAITED! RISE AND FIGHT PAST THE POINT WHERE YOUR SOUL LEAVES YOUR BODY! SHOW THESE SIMPLE PONIES WHAT YOU CAN DO!
>You blink again, trying to get the dirt out of your eyes as your face scrunches up in thought
>Whoo
>You must be REALLY fucked up if you think your fucking tank's talking to you...
>...
>...
>...
>Eh
>What the hell?
>What's the harm in listening to it?
"...Am I really awaited in Valhalla?"
YOU SHALL RIDE TO VALHALLA, ALL SHINY AND CHROME MY WAR BOY! BUT FIRST YOU MUST RISE! RIIISSSEEEE!
>Though your mind is clouded with a haze of pain you couldn't help but think of what Immortan Tank just said
>What if...
>What if the tank was actually speaking the truth?
>What if you WERE awaited in Valhalla?
>Where you could drink all day and kick the shit out of other people while getting blown by Valkyries?
>That'd be FUCKING AWESOME!
>You could deal with an eternity of that shit!
>Your mind races as you feel a tingling all along your body
>Along with the orange blur you can see that a bunch of other blurs had hopped into your hole
>The hole that you had sworn to keep from the little horse menace
>The hole that you had fought tooth and nail to make sure that it was dug by you and only you
>The hole that had the Immortan tank awaiting you at the bottom!
>The tank that just promised you a one way ticket to paradise!
>The cool one, not that cuck Buhhda's paradise!
>Your body twitches as magic hits it, and you can't help but groan as you feel your broken bones and torn muscles mending and healing at an incredible rate
>Your arms and legs spasm and you can't help but smile
>The Immortan was right!
>Who else would use magic to heal your broken body other than the heroes of Valhalla?!
>This...
>THIS WAS A SIGN!
>YOU WERE DESTINED TO RIDE TO THE GATES OF PARADISE ALL SHINY AND CHROME!
>ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS BEAT THESE LITTLE HORSES!
>IF YOU COULDN'T DUG UP THE IMMORTAN THAN NOBODY COULD!
>YOU'D LEAVE ONE LAST IMPRESSION BEFORE YOU GO OUT HISTORIC!
>With a yell you hop to your feet, looking wildly around
>You can see Applejack, who looks horrified and scared and had tears in her little pone eyes, and a whole bunch of little horses around her
>Sniffling, Appul hoers looks up at you
>"A-Anon?"
"I LIVE, I DIE, I LIVE AGAIN!"
>The ponies in the hole jump as you scream out to the heavens, slamming your fists against your chest
>Past all of the ponies in YOUR HOLE, hidden under a mountain of dirt and something that had somehow managed to survive this shitfest, was your trusty pickaxe
>The pickaxe that had been your faithful companion since the beginning of this journey of yours
>And the pickaxe that was going to help you to put an end to this
>ALLLLL of this
>"A-Anon, please, ya hit yer head pretty darn hard. Lily Crisp over here did 'er best ta heal ya up but--"
"WITNESS ME, APPLE HORSE!"
>Applejack blinks in confusion
>"...Pardon? What the hay am I--"
>With a giggle and an explosion of confetti, Pinkie motherfucking Pie suddenly appears in your hole
>The little mare had covered herself in white flour and it appeared that she had painted a skeleton's mouth on her face
>"WITNESS!" she screamed, tossing a can of something at you
>Catching it you see that Ponk had tossed you a can of sprayable silver food coloring
>It wasn't chrome spray, but since there wasn't such a thing as chrome in horseland, it'd have to do
>Aw
>Thanks Pank
>I'll save ya a seat in Valhalla and find you a Valkyrie sloot to blow you too
>It'll be fucking cash
>With a deranged cackle you slam the can against your chest before spraying your mouth with the "chrome"
"WITNESS ME!" you shout again
>Ponk points at you as you push through the mares, who try to stop you but are too confused and disorientated to more than paw at you as you barrel through them, and reach your pickaxe
>"WITNESSED!" Ponk screams again, hopping up and down on her back legs. "WIIIIITTTTTTNNNNNEEEESSSSSSSEEEEEDDDDD!
>Though Appulz has no fucking idea what the hell's going on boy does she not look happy
>"PINKIE! Anon needs ta go get somepony ta look at 'em! He don't need ya comin' in here an--"
WITNESSED!
>Your septic tank roars as you push past the mares in your hole toward that bit of exposed metal
>Applejack follows your gaze, her eyes widening
>"SOMEPONY STOP 'EM!" she yelled, realizing what you were trying to do. "DON'T LET 'EM GET NEAR THAT THERE BIT O' METAL!"
>The group of mares begin to spur into action but by then it was already too late
>You were ready to get your dick sucked by big tittyed white women in the afterlife
>...And other races as well...
>You weren't picky
>And you were gonna SAVOR that dick suckin'!
>Almost as much as you were going to savor THIS...
>You backhand a mare as she crosses your vision, and you kick another as they try to grab your pickaxe
>You feel two of them tackling you but you don't even miss a step
YES! YES! GO FORTH MY WAR BOY! I SHALL CARRY YOU TO THE GATES OF VALHALLA MYSELF WHEN THIS IS ALL OVER!
>Huh
>The place where your shit goes was going to fly you to the afterlife
>...It's not the flaming Harley-Davidson that you wanted but you guess it'll have to do
>"ANON!" Applejack yells, trying to push past the group of mares to get to you. "ANON! THERE'S PROBABLY SOMETHIN' WRONG WITH YER HEAD RIGHT NOW! I NEED YA TA THINK ABOUT WHAT THE HAY YOU'RE DOIN'!"
>You take a step
>Then another
>Then another
>"ANON! DON'T YA DARE--"
>With one last shout, the last shout that you'd utter on this mortal plane, you raise your pickaxe above your head
"WWWWWWWIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTNNNNNNNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS MMMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
>"ANON DO--"
 
BOOM!
BE ANON
>"Wash my mane again you bucking jerk. It still smells"
"Fuck off Bon Bon," you say tiredly
>The soaking wet little mare in your lap wiggles around angrily, smacking your knee with a hoof
>"Get. Washing."
>You sigh, looking up from the Candy mare to survey your surroundings with your one good eye
>Well... the eye that WASN'T bandaged up
>You were sitting butt naked, covered in bandages, in the mother of all artificial hot springs with about a hundred other mares, each one of them as bandaged up and miserable as you
>When you had been swinging around that pickaxe of yours, all hopped up on magic with pain and anderline making your mind race at a million miles a minute you had figured that the best way to make a lose-lose situation for everybody was to poke a hole into your septic tank
>You had figured that if you weren't going to dig this hole up by yourself the least you could do was cover everyone in your piss and shit before they dragged you kicking and screaming out of it
>Unfortunately for you and everyone else that wasn't exactly what happened
>Apparently your tank had been building up a fuckton of gases over the years since it was an old tank and you hadn't bothered to do anything to maintain it since you got your house
>So, the second that you put a hole in that tank, you didn't get the rush of foul smelling, shitty air that you had been expecting
>You had a fucking bomb
>The gases erupted out of the tank with such force that not only did you and everyone in the hole AND in your yard get a shit and piss coating the thing just up and EXPLODED in your face!
>With shrapnel and a loud boom and everything
>The explosion was such a big one that if Celestia hadn't swooped in out of nowhere they would have probably been putting your ass, and everyone else in the hole's ass, in a hole in the ground AND a lot of other horses might have gotten hurt
>Thankfully the lot of you only got a couple of cuts and bruises because of it
>And you all got a good thick coating of shit and piss
>We couldn't forget that now could we?
>And speaking of the Princess, her and her sister had apparently been running around during that "battle" of your's getting shit done
>And they kept getting shit done about the clusterfuck was all over
>No wonder these big god horses were princesses with all of the shit that they could get done in so short of a time!
>They made sure that Twilight didn't kill anyone when she was flying around fighting that big fucking apple, they kept Applejack's little army from damaging too much of Ponyville, and they had been RIGHT THERE when that tank had gone off to keep all of your from dieing
>They were also the ones that had dug out this big ass hole and magicked a whole bunch of self-cleaning, heated water so you could all wash yourselves off
>AND from what Celestia told you Luna was over seeing a whole BUNCH of other shit while she fussed over you
>Right in the middle of one of the town's streets no fucking less!
>Pone Princesses got shit DONE son
>Something nudging your face brings you out of your little thought world
>"Anonymous, are you alright my dear?"
>Looking straight up you see Sunhoers, who had forced you to sit in your lap while she fussed over you like your fucking mother, looking down at you in concern
>"Is something hurting you? Do you want me to cast another spell on you to take some pain away?"
>Sighing again you snatch the bottle of shampoo out of the air (fucking magic) that she was poking you with and popped the top
"I'm alright," you say, dumping a shitload of shampoo into Bonnie's mane before running your fingers through it. "I was just thinking."
>Sunny Buns makes some concerned horses noises as her grip around your waist tightens ever so slightly
>"Are you sure? I could get Mrs. Sweetie Drops to get off your lap so you could have a bit of breathing room if you'd like."
>Bon Bon snorts
>"I ain't moving," she said stubbornly as you washed her hair. "I had to fight an army of bucking mares for this bucker! The least he could do is get all of HIS shit off me!"
>You were about to retort but decided against it
>You know what? You honestly couldn't find any fault in that logic
>Bonnie here went above and beyond the call of duty for your ass
>Even after she had helped Lyra carry Twilight away Bon Bon had come back to try to help you
>Hence why she, like all of you, had been covered in shit and piss and all sorts of terrible, horrible, unholy things and as miserable as the rest of you were
>So at the very LEAST she deserved to sit in this glorified bathtub in your lap while you dumped bottle after bottle of whatever you could get your hands on to try and get the shit smell out of her fur
"It's alright, Princess, Bon Bon--"
>You stop, narrowing your eyes as you looked down at the little mare in your lap
"Wait, what was that about Sweetie Dro--"
>Her ears flying up, Bon Bon turned to glare at you
>"Don't you worry about that you dummy," she snapped, wiggling her hips as you gently dug your fingers into her scalp. "Just worry about getting me clean."
>You snort
"Fuck off, Bon Bon."
>Bon Bon gives your knee another poke
>"No you!"
>With a hmph she leaned against your chest and crossed her front legs with an angry huff
>"...And I can feel your thingy on my butt you weirdo."
>Your mouth twitches as you cup your hands in the water, bring them up, and dump the water on Bon Bon's head
"If I could kill you with hate you'd be SO dead with now... I swear to fucking god..."
>You could hear Celestia chuckling to herself as she reached down and grabbed the bottle of shampoo that you had just let float right beside you
>"Now, now, Anonymous, let's be civil."
>Bon Bon elbows your rips
>"Yeah, you heard the princess, monkey! Try not to be such a jerk and keep washing my mane!"
>...
>...
>...
>Fucking
>Bon Bon
>HAAAAAATE
>Celestia just chuckles again when she hears you growl before she clears her throat
>"Oh, I almost forgot to mention, my little human."
>Stopping your mane washing you look back up at the princess
"Forget about what now?"
>Though she's trying to look sorry you could tell that she was pleased as punch
>"I'm sorry to say Granny Smith and what was left of the mob managed to fish out that tank of yours, Anon," she said, nuzzling the side of your head before popping open the bottle's top
>You snort again, dumping more water on Bonnie's head to get the suds out of her mane
"Yay, they managed to get out the tank for the fucking house I can't live in anymore because it got so fucked up from the tank explosion," you grumble as Sunhoers dumps a load of shampoo in your hair. "What a fucking achievement."
>"I believe that you're the one that didn't want them to dig out that septic tank," the Princess chided, using her hooves to scrub in the shampoo. "I was even forced to keep you from accidentally killing anypony you were so determined."
>Still grumbling you lean against Celestia's chest and just enjoy her scrubbing your hair
>That shit felt oddly nice
"Well I didn't want it to go so fucking far that my house got fucked up over it! And I won't even talk about my poor front yard and what you all did to it..."
>Out of the corner of your eye you see Applejack, with a bunch of bandages all over her just like you, (which somehow didn't getting water logged or any shit like that) flinch
>Humming a little tune to herself, Celestia thoroughly gives your nogging a good washing
>"Homes and yards can be rebuilt with some time, Anon," she says in her usual "motherly-ruler" tone. "Especially with magic. With magic it'll be done in a jiffy. Like, for example, it could dig out a hole in a matter of minutes if the caster is powerful enough."
>You flinch at the obvious jab before your frown deepened
"...Your sister helped Granny Smith out with the tank, didn't she?"
>Though you couldn't see it, you'd bet your fucking house (or what was left of it at least) that she was grinning
>Fucking cocky god horses...
>"She had insisted since she didn't want anypony getting sick swimming around in your... excrement to get to it. She also went ahead and cleaned all of the... matter off your yard and the other houses around your home."
"Remind me to thank her the next time I see her," you dryly comment as Sunny Buns bumped a load of water into your head to get the suds out
YOU SHOULD THANK HER YOU CUR. A GODDESS'S HELP IS FAR LESS THAN YOU DESERVE!
>The frown on your face deepened as you looked to your right to the far end of that big ass "pool"
>There, guarded by no less than twelve Apples and covered from stem to bottom in bandages, was the Great Apple
>Which the princesses HADN'T let you horribly murder when your ass had woken back up
>...Fucking princesses...
>Not letting you kill talking food
>...Food wasn't supposed to fucking talk damnit...
"Hey!" you bark, pointing. "Shut your fucking mouth before I swim over there and make a hole in you to stick my dick in so I can fuck you!"
>Making a disapproving noise, Celestia bats the top of your head with a wing
>"You better calm down, mister," she chided, looking down at you with a frown. "I'm not going to have you in here starting anymore fights."
>You stare hatefully at the apple, who retreated away from you until its "back" was against the edge of the pool, before once again pressing your back against Sunny Bun's chest with a low growl
"You should have let me turn that apple into fucking apple sauce..."
>Tsking, Celestia laid a wing over you and Bon Bon, no doubt trying to shield the "poor widdle apple" from your glare
>"The Great Apple was only trying to do what it thought was right for the Apple family, Anonymous."
>Celestia's amethyst eyes looked toward the apple... god... thing...
>"I will not say that it was a bit too... enthusiastic about its approach but nothing was really lost. The Apples promised that they would rebuild everything that was damaged today free of charge and you have a place at the castle for as long as you need until your house is rebuilt."
>Bon Bon let out an annoyed grunt as Celestia's wing passed over her head, giving it a pat
>"In fact, I'd like to think that we've all learned a great deal with this adventure of ours; didn't we Applejack?"
>Appulz flinched again at the mention of her name, and she desperately looked like she wanted to swim the other way, but Apple hoers was nothing if not a mare that took her lumps when she deserved them so she swam right over to you
>"Yeah, I reckon I done learned somethin'," she said, taking off her hat and looking down. "Anon... I'm... mighty sorry fer the trouble I put ya through these last couple of days..."
>...No she wasn't
>You fucking KNEW Appul hoers
>And you knew her countryisms
>That fucking mare was probably about as sorry as you were about all of this!
>Applejack looked back up at you with sad green eyes
>"I thought I was doin' the right thing by tryin' ta help ya, but then I went ahead an' took it too far."
"Yeah you fucking did..." you grumble, earning yourself another wing smack for Celestia as she motioned Appulz to continue
>"Yer a stubborn an' tough colt, Anon. If I didn't know that 'fore I sure as hay know now after all of the horse apples we all put ya through. Ya didn't need no mare ta help ya with yer chores an' it was wrong fer me ta try ta force help on ya."
>Applejack sighed
>"I see that now, an' I promise ya I'll only offer ta help ya next time if yer out doin' lawn work. An' then it'll be because I want ta help a friend, not because I NEED ta help a stallion..."
>You just stare at Applejack for a long while
>Sizing the little horse up to see if she was just saying that because god heors was there
>You know
>Like you would do if you had fucked up this bad
>...But...
>...
>...
>...
>Fuck...
>It honestly looked like she was sorry...
>And Celestia JUST told you that she and all of her family would build you a new house for free...
>...
>...
>...
>Double fuck
>You were going to have to forgive this little nigger weren't you?
>Scrunching up your face, you push Bon Bon off your lap and open your arms wide
"Alright... apology accepted. Get over here, you silly little horse."
>You try not to groan as Applejack's eyes light up, the little horse gasping in delight as she doggy paddled over toward you and hopped in your lap
>Sweet Christ above this felt like some fucking cheesy TV show ending
>For a SHITTY TV show...
>Sharing your feelings an' shit...
>Appulz lets out this ADORABLE little happy sound as she wrapped her widdle hooves around your neck and pulled you into a hug
>You just kind of sit there and awkwardly pat her back as Bon Bon, the cunt, glares at you
>Why was she glaring?
>Because she was Bon Bon, she was a cunt, and fuck you! That's fucking why
>Clapping her hooves, Celestia beams down at all of you
>"Wonderful! And what about you, Anon? Did you learn anything important about friendship today?"
>You open your mouth but immediately close it
>...
>...
>...
>...No
>You don't think saying everything you did was completely justifiable and you'd do it again in a heartbeat would sate the big princess
>Not one little bit
>Even though that was the most correct fucking answer in your book
>You rack your brain, looking up at Sun hoers, who nodded at you eagerly
"... Well... I think that I could have been a little bit more open about Applejack and everyone else helping me?"
>Though it sounded more like a question than a statement, Celestia smiles all the same
"Even though she was as pushy as all hell she was just trying to help me and I shouldn't have just pushed her away like I did... Even though I was completely--"
>"Anon..."
>Sweet Christ on a motorcycle was this harder than you thought it would be...
>You weren't built for talking about FRIENDSHIP!
>...But at least you could try you guess...
B-Baka
"Friends should let friends help each other; I was a stubborn asshole about my hole and because of it all of this shit happened," you forced yourself to say
>Come on Anon
>Just a little bit more
>Then you wouldn't have to do another bullshit friendship lesson for at least a few months
"So, Applejack... I'm sorry that I just pissed all over you like I've been doing for the last couple of days. I'm also sorry that all of... THIS happened."
>You glare at the Great Apple
"I'm not sorry about fucking up that apple over there since he's a fucking CUNT and the second I let a second alone with him he's DEAD but I'm sorry about all of the other stuff. Next time something like this happens we'll have to sit ourselves down and talk it out like normal people."
>Though Celestia doesn't look too happy with you calling that cunting apple a cunt... and threatening to murder it she still gives you a pat on the head all the same
>"I'll admit that you could of learned a little more but we'll take what we can get! Learning a little is a whole lot better than learning nothing."
>The Princess looked over at Bon Bon, who was being as grumpy as usual
>And a cunt
>Don't forget about that
>"And what about Sweetie Drops over there, Anonymous? Don't you have something to say to the mare that's been helping you for the last couple of days?"
>...
>...
>...
>Oh fuck
>Here it comes
>Now you were going to have to look onto Bonnie's eyes and say some real heartfelt shit
>You could hear the shitty "we learned something" TV music if you listened hard enough...
>...Fuck hell...
>Realizing that you weren't going to walk away from this without at least giving Bon Bon a pat on the back you pick Applejack up off your lap and move her to the side
"Alright, Bon Bon, get your ass over here. It's your turn."
>Bon Bon's frown deepens
>"And what if I just want to keep sitting here huh?"
>Ugh
>FUCKING BON BON!
"...Get your fat ass over here before I get up and shove my foot up your ass for fuck's sake..."
>Humphing, the little candy mare swims over and sits back in your lap
>"You've been talking a lot about my butt you weirdo," she said, wiggling her rump back and forth to get comfortable. "You shouldn't--thmp!"
>You ignore Bonnie's glare as you clamp her mouth shut with a hand
"You're a fucking asshole, Bon Bon. You're unpleasant, you're grumpy, and you go out of your way to just be the biggest cunt you can be to everyone around you. Especially me. You're a REAL cunt to me."
>You made a face as if you had just tasted something foul
"But... I'm not much better than you and... you're my cunt I guess."
>Bon Bon stiffens as you wrap your arms around her in the fourth most awkward hug of your life
"And if I needed to have best friends I could do a hell of a lot worse than you and Lyra."
>You try to break the hug but Bon Bon suddenly wraps her hooves around your neck, holding you close
>...Alright then...
>"You still need to thank me for helping you, you jerk."
>You run your hand through her wet mane while the other hand awkwardly pats her on the back
"...Thanks for helping me out, Bon Bon. You and Lyra are some real pals."
>Bon Bon snorts as she rested her head on your shoulder
>"Pals? Don't be a faggot about all of this, Monkey."
>You twitch
"Fuck off you cunt," you grumble, giving the little asshole horse in your arms another hug. "And you'd better start working out this fat, fat ass of your's. I swear to god it feels like there's a big bowl of fucking jello in my lap right now..."
>"Yeah, well, that's not what your mother said last night. She LOVED this flank when I sat down right on her face."
>All around you little horses aw
>They fucking AWED
>But you managed not to ruin the moment by swearing or giving anyone the finger
>Barely
>You just held onto the toppest of cunts and let this sappy moment wash over you
>And boy did you not like it
>With a happy squeal, Celestia wraps her hooves around the both of you and pulls you against her chest
>"Oh I can just FEEL the friendship in the air!" she chirps while you and Bon Bon groan
>You swear, this big white horse and her fucking friendship lessons...
>"Ahem... Anon?"
>Looking up from Bon Bon you see Nurkle just standing there staring at you all with a nervous smile
>Oh look
>A wild Twily appeared
>Giving Bonnie one final pat on the back you pick her off of you
"Come 'ere Twilight."
>The littlest princess gulps before doggy paddling toward you
>She hesitates for a moment when she's right at your feet so you just pick her up and set her right down on top of you, ignoring her yelp and her gasp
>"A-Anon! Do--hmph!"
>You stare at the purple dork for a long while, your hand clamped over her muzzle
"I guess if I have to do a fucking live friendship report then I have to do one with you too, Spackle," you grumble, looking up at Celestia, who gives you a pleased smile
>"I'd love to hear what you have to say to my student, Anonymous. It always warms my heart to see friendships strengthen."
>...Yep
>You could taste the sappy in the air
>And it tasted like some BULLSHIT
>Goddamnit you were going to have to take a shower after getting out of this bath because of this...
>Releasing Twiggy's muzzle you cup her cheeks
>She blushes, and her wings twitch, but she doesn't shy away as you look into her eyes
"Twilight, you were just as much of a pain in the ass as Appulz over there."
>You grimaced, not wanting to make this any more lovey dovey than it already was
>...Fuck it
>You were already in too deep
>Might as well go all in...
"But I THINK I understand where you were coming from, and you DID get yourself fucked up when you tried to help me out in the end. So I forgive you and... THANKS for helping me out."
>Book horse blushes as you pat her on the shoulder
>W-Well... thank you for that, Anon," she said, coughing into a hoof. "But... I didn't come over here for an apology... Though I really appreciate it and it means a LOT to know I didn't ruin our friendship over all of this..."
>You find yourself frowning again as she trailed off, refusing to look at you, as red-faced as can been and squirming in your lap
>She didn't want some bullshit friendship lesson that you were just YOLOing?
>Then what the hell did she...
>...
>...
>...
>Wait...
"You aren't going to bother me about that kiss I promised you are you?"
>Darkle flinches and she did her best to look as small as possible
>"Well we c-could do i-it another time if you wanted!" she sputtered, damn near stomping on your balls as she sperged around. "I D-didn't mean t-to try to -pressure you so s-soon but I just--"
>Alright
>Hand goes back over the mouth
>"Hmph!"
>And there. we. go.
>With a groan you close your eyes and rub your temple with your free hand
"Now isn't the best time to be asking this, Twilight."
>Twilight's eyes got real big and she slumped down even more, her wings dipping into the water
"...But what the hell, it's not like I'm doing anything other than soaking in a big fucking tub while Sun horse tries to play footsies."
>Celestia gasped
>"I am NOT playing hoofsies with you!"
>Your frown deepens so much that you swear it comes off your face
"No you're not, you're playing FOOTSIES... Fucking ponies..."
>Shaking your head you let go of Twilight's mouth
>The little mare looked a lot happier now that you said that you were willing to give her a smooch
>But she also looked a hell of a lot more nervous
>...She better not get fucking cold hooves on this shit
>You weren't going to be waiting around when she wanted to fucking kiss you
"Come on then! Pucker up so we can get on with the show!"
>Twilight yelped again as you slapped her sides
>"W-Wait, Anon!"
>Books Mcgee shyly looks around
>"What a-about all of the p-ponies?
>You look at your "crowd", all of whom were openly gawking by now
>Fucking nosey pones...
"Twilight, right now I'm butt naked with my junk RIGHT under this water," you state, trying not to slap her when she gets even redder in realization. "I'm not sure you noticed but I've lost a good deal of fucks and I'm not about to give one right now."
>You give Twiggy's sides another slap
"Now come on, I don't got all day!"
>Twilight looked up at her teacher, who nudged her head toward you encouragingly, before staring back at you
>"A-Alright," she said, gulping. "H-Here I g-go..."
>With her rear legs tucked tightly against her chest, Twilight closed her eyes and puckered her lips
>Every single pony other than Celestia (who already had front row seats to this shit) leaned in as Twilight slowly started to wiggle up your lap
>She leaned in and ever so slowly...
>Eh
>Fuck all of this waiting
>Rolling your eyes you grab the back of Twilight's head
>Before the little horse could so much as make a noise you leaned in and roughly crashed your mouths together
>Ignoring the crowds collective gasp your tongue slides out of your mouth and brushes up against Twilight's lips
>The purple princess mewls, her eyes shooting open and her wings shooting up as your wet muscle invades her mouth
>She tries to wiggle away from you but you keep tight hold of the back of her head as your tongue explores the inside of her mouth
>It wrestles with her longer, thicker tongue, before your tongue does a bit more exploring
>You run it over her teeth, you trace the insides of her cheek, and after a while you start to suck on her bottom lip
>It wasn't your best kiss in the world but you figured Twilight would find it good enough to leave you alone about it
>You continue play around in Narkle's mouth, listening to all of the noises she made and trying to keep her from wiggling around in your lap too much, until your tongue got tired, wherein you broke the kiss
>Missioncomplete.jnp
>A spit trail connects your mouths as your lips break from each other, you taking a deep breath and Twilight just kind of... going limp in your arms
>Making a face you smack your lips together a few times
"Why the hell do you taste like old paper and ink Twi--"
>Whatever else you were going to say changes into a groan the second you look down at the purple dork in your arms
>Twilight Sparkle, Book Horse Supreme, was out cold with her wings at full extension and her tongue hanging out
"Seriously? You fucking passed out because of a kiss?!"
>You look up at the crowd, all of whom were red-faced with mouths open in shock
"Why the fuck would she pass out from a fucking kiss?!"
>Bon Bon, the only one not affected by your little kiss, snorted
>"Because you touch yourself at night," she snarked, clearly pleased with herself
>You open your mouth
>Then you close it
>Then you open it again
"...FUCK you Bon Bon..."
>You make sure that Twiggles doesn't fall out of your grasp before leaning back against Celestia and closing your eyes
>Though you couldn't see it Twilight smiled
"Fuck you."
 
THE END
