Title:           Diggy Hole 8
Author:          LaPsbin
Pastebin link:   http://pastebin.com/M7iGAk5Y
First Edit:      Saturday 22nd of August 2015 12:07:30 PM CDT
Last Edit:       Saturday 22nd of August 2015 12:07:30 PM CDT

BE ANON
>"Wash my mane again you bucking jerk. It still smells"
"Fuck off Bon Bon," you say tiredly
>The soaking wet little mare in your lap wiggles around angrily, smacking your knee with a hoof
>"Get. Washing."
>You sigh, looking up from the Candy mare to survey your surroundings with your one good eye
>Well... the eye that WASN'T bandaged up
>You were sitting butt naked, covered in bandages, in the mother of all artificial hot springs with about a hundred other mares, each one of them as bandaged up and miserable as you
>When you had been swinging around that pickaxe of yours, all hopped up on magic with pain and anderline making your mind race at a million miles a minute you had figured that the best way to make a lose-lose situation for everybody was to poke a hole into your septic tank
>You had figured that if you weren't going to dig this hole up by yourself the least you could do was cover everyone in your piss and shit before they dragged you kicking and screaming out of it
>Unfortunately for you and everyone else that wasn't exactly what happened
>Apparently your tank had been building up a fuckton of gases over the years since it was an old tank and you hadn't bothered to do anything to maintain it since you got your house
>So, the second that you put a hole in that tank, you didn't get the rush of foul smelling, shitty air that you had been expecting
>You had a fucking bomb
>The gases erupted out of the tank with such force that not only did you and everyone in the hole AND in your yard get a shit and piss coating the thing just up and EXPLODED in your face!
>With shrapnel and a loud boom and everything
>The explosion was such a big one that if Celestia hadn't swooped in out of nowhere they would have probably been putting your ass, and everyone else in the hole's ass, in a hole in the ground AND a lot of other horses might have gotten hurt
>Thankfully the lot of you only got a couple of cuts and bruises because of it
>And you all got a good thick coating of shit and piss
>We couldn't forget that now could we?
>And speaking of the Princess, her and her sister had apparently been running around during that "battle" of your's getting shit done
>And they kept getting shit done about the clusterfuck was all over
>No wonder these big god horses were princesses with all of the shit that they could get done in so short of a time!
>They made sure that Twilight didn't kill anyone when she was flying around fighting that big fucking apple, they kept Applejack's little army from damaging too much of Ponyville, and they had been RIGHT THERE when that tank had gone off to keep all of your from dieing
>They were also the ones that had dug out this big ass hole and magicked a whole bunch of self-cleaning, heated water so you could all wash yourselves off
>AND from what Celestia told you Luna was over seeing a whole BUNCH of other shit while she fussed over you
>Right in the middle of one of the town's streets no fucking less!
>Pone Princesses got shit DONE son
>Something nudging your face brings you out of your little thought world
>"Anonymous, are you alright my dear?"
>Looking straight up you see Sunhoers, who had forced you to sit in your lap while she fussed over you like your fucking mother, looking down at you in concern
>"Is something hurting you? Do you want me to cast another spell on you to take some pain away?"
>Sighing again you snatch the bottle of shampoo out of the air (fucking magic) that she was poking you with and popped the top
"I'm alright," you say, dumping a shitload of shampoo into Bonnie's mane before running your fingers through it. "I was just thinking."
>Sunny Buns makes some concerned horses noises as her grip around your waist tightens ever so slightly
>"Are you sure? I could get Mrs. Sweetie Drops to get off your lap so you could have a bit of breathing room if you'd like."
>Bon Bon snorts
>"I ain't moving," she said stubbornly as you washed her hair. "I had to fight an army of bucking mares for this bucker! The least he could do is get all of HIS shit off me!"
>You were about to retort but decided against it
>You know what? You honestly couldn't find any fault in that logic
>Bonnie here went above and beyond the call of duty for your ass
>Even after she had helped Lyra carry Twilight away Bon Bon had come back to try to help you
>Hence why she, like all of you, had been covered in shit and piss and all sorts of terrible, horrible, unholy things and as miserable as the rest of you were
>So at the very LEAST she deserved to sit in this glorified bathtub in your lap while you dumped bottle after bottle of whatever you could get your hands on to try and get the shit smell out of her fur
"It's alright, Princess, Bon Bon--"
>You stop, narrowing your eyes as you looked down at the little mare in your lap
"Wait, what was that about Sweetie Dro--"
>Her ears flying up, Bon Bon turned to glare at you
>"Don't you worry about that you dummy," she snapped, wiggling her hips as you gently dug your fingers into her scalp. "Just worry about getting me clean."
>You snort
"Fuck off, Bon Bon."
>Bon Bon gives your knee another poke
>"No you!"
>With a hmph she leaned against your chest and crossed her front legs with an angry huff
>"...And I can feel your thingy on my butt you weirdo."
>Your mouth twitches as you cup your hands in the water, bring them up, and dump the water on Bon Bon's head
"If I could kill you with hate you'd be SO dead with now... I swear to fucking god..."
>You could hear Celestia chuckling to herself as she reached down and grabbed the bottle of shampoo that you had just let float right beside you
>"Now, now, Anonymous, let's be civil."
>Bon Bon elbows your rips
>"Yeah, you heard the princess, monkey! Try not to be such a jerk and keep washing my mane!"
>...
>...
>...
>Fucking
>Bon Bon
>HAAAAAATE
>Celestia just chuckles again when she hears you growl before she clears her throat
>"Oh, I almost forgot to mention, my little human."
>Stopping your mane washing you look back up at the princess
"Forget about what now?"
>Though she's trying to look sorry you could tell that she was pleased as punch
>"I'm sorry to say Granny Smith and what was left of the mob managed to fish out that tank of yours, Anon," she said, nuzzling the side of your head before popping open the bottle's top
>You snort again, dumping more water on Bonnie's head to get the suds out of her mane
"Yay, they managed to get out the tank for the fucking house I can't live in anymore because it got so fucked up from the tank explosion," you grumble as Sunhoers dumps a load of shampoo in your hair. "What a fucking achievement."
>"I believe that you're the one that didn't want them to dig out that septic tank," the Princess chided, using her hooves to scrub in the shampoo. "I was even forced to keep you from accidentally killing anypony you were so determined."
>Still grumbling you lean against Celestia's chest and just enjoy her scrubbing your hair
>That shit felt oddly nice
"Well I didn't want it to go so fucking far that my house got fucked up over it! And I won't even talk about my poor front yard and what you all did to it..."
>Out of the corner of your eye you see Applejack, with a bunch of bandages all over her just like you, (which somehow didn't getting water logged or any shit like that) flinch
>Humming a little tune to herself, Celestia thoroughly gives your nogging a good washing
>"Homes and yards can be rebuilt with some time, Anon," she says in her usual "motherly-ruler" tone. "Especially with magic. With magic it'll be done in a jiffy. Like, for example, it could dig out a hole in a matter of minutes if the caster is powerful enough."
>You flinch at the obvious jab before your frown deepened
"...Your sister helped Granny Smith out with the tank, didn't she?"
>Though you couldn't see it, you'd bet your fucking house (or what was left of it at least) that she was grinning
>Fucking cocky god horses...
>"She had insisted since she didn't want anypony getting sick swimming around in your... excrement to get to it. She also went ahead and cleaned all of the... matter off your yard and the other houses around your home."
"Remind me to thank her the next time I see her," you dryly comment as Sunny Buns bumped a load of water into your head to get the suds out
YOU SHOULD THANK HER YOU CUR. A GODDESS'S HELP IS FAR LESS THAN YOU DESERVE!
>The frown on your face deepened as you looked to your right to the far end of that big ass "pool"
>There, guarded by no less than twelve Apples and covered from stem to bottom in bandages, was the Great Apple
>Which the princesses HADN'T let you horribly murder when your ass had woken back up
>...Fucking princesses...
>Not letting you kill talking food
>...Food wasn't supposed to fucking talk damnit...
"Hey!" you bark, pointing. "Shut your fucking mouth before I swim over there and make a hole in you to stick my dick in so I can fuck you!"
>Making a disapproving noise, Celestia bats the top of your head with a wing
>"You better calm down, mister," she chided, looking down at you with a frown. "I'm not going to have you in here starting anymore fights."
>You stare hatefully at the apple, who retreated away from you until its "back" was against the edge of the pool, before once again pressing your back against Sunny Bun's chest with a low growl
"You should have let me turn that apple into fucking apple sauce..."
>Tsking, Celestia laid a wing over you and Bon Bon, no doubt trying to shield the "poor widdle apple" from your glare
>"The Great Apple was only trying to do what it thought was right for the Apple family, Anonymous."
>Celestia's amethyst eyes looked toward the apple... god... thing...
>"I will not say that it was a bit too... enthusiastic about its approach but nothing was really lost. The Apples promised that they would rebuild everything that was damaged today free of charge and you have a place at the castle for as long as you need until your house is rebuilt."
>Bon Bon let out an annoyed grunt as Celestia's wing passed over her head, giving it a pat
>"In fact, I'd like to think that we've all learned a great deal with this adventure of ours; didn't we Applejack?"
>Appulz flinched again at the mention of her name, and she desperately looked like she wanted to swim the other way, but Apple hoers was nothing if not a mare that took her lumps when she deserved them so she swam right over to you
>"Yeah, I reckon I done learned somethin'," she said, taking off her hat and looking down. "Anon... I'm... mighty sorry fer the trouble I put ya through these last couple of days..."
>...No she wasn't
>You fucking KNEW Appul hoers
>And you knew her countryisms
>That fucking mare was probably about as sorry as you were about all of this!
>Applejack looked back up at you with sad green eyes
>"I thought I was doin' the right thing by tryin' ta help ya, but then I went ahead an' took it too far."
"Yeah you fucking did..." you grumble, earning yourself another wing smack for Celestia as she motioned Appulz to continue
>"Yer a stubborn an' tough colt, Anon. If I didn't know that 'fore I sure as hay know now after all of the horse apples we all put ya through. Ya didn't need no mare ta help ya with yer chores an' it was wrong fer me ta try ta force help on ya."
>Applejack sighed
>"I see that now, an' I promise ya I'll only offer ta help ya next time if yer out doin' lawn work. An' then it'll be because I want ta help a friend, not because I NEED ta help a stallion..."
>You just stare at Applejack for a long while
>Sizing the little horse up to see if she was just saying that because god heors was there
>You know
>Like you would do if you had fucked up this bad
>...But...
>...
>...
>...
>Fuck...
>It honestly looked like she was sorry...
>And Celestia JUST told you that she and all of her family would build you a new house for free...
>...
>...
>...
>Double fuck
>You were going to have to forgive this little nigger weren't you?
>Scrunching up your face, you push Bon Bon off your lap and open your arms wide
"Alright... apology accepted. Get over here, you silly little horse."
>You try not to groan as Applejack's eyes light up, the little horse gasping in delight as she doggy paddled over toward you and hopped in your lap
>Sweet Christ above this felt like some fucking cheesy TV show ending
>For a SHITTY TV show...
>Sharing your feelings an' shit...
>Appulz lets out this ADORABLE little happy sound as she wrapped her widdle hooves around your neck and pulled you into a hug
>You just kind of sit there and awkwardly pat her back as Bon Bon, the cunt, glares at you
>Why was she glaring?
>Because she was Bon Bon, she was a cunt, and fuck you! That's fucking why
>Clapping her hooves, Celestia beams down at all of you
>"Wonderful! And what about you, Anon? Did you learn anything important about friendship today?"
>You open your mouth but immediately close it
>...
>...
>...
>...No
>You don't think saying everything you did was completely justifiable and you'd do it again in a heartbeat would sate the big princess
>Not one little bit
>Even though that was the most correct fucking answer in your book
>You rack your brain, looking up at Sun hoers, who nodded at you eagerly
"... Well... I think that I could have been a little bit more open about Applejack and everyone else helping me?"
>Though it sounded more like a question than a statement, Celestia smiles all the same
"Even though she was as pushy as all hell she was just trying to help me and I shouldn't have just pushed her away like I did... Even though I was completely--"
>"Anon..."
>Sweet Christ on a motorcycle was this harder than you thought it would be...
>You weren't built for talking about FRIENDSHIP!
>...But at least you could try you guess...
B-Baka
"Friends should let friends help each other; I was a stubborn asshole about my hole and because of it all of this shit happened," you forced yourself to say
>Come on Anon
>Just a little bit more
>Then you wouldn't have to do another bullshit friendship lesson for at least a few months
"So, Applejack... I'm sorry that I just pissed all over you like I've been doing for the last couple of days. I'm also sorry that all of... THIS happened."
>You glare at the Great Apple
"I'm not sorry about fucking up that apple over there since he's a fucking CUNT and the second I let a second alone with him he's DEAD but I'm sorry about all of the other stuff. Next time something like this happens we'll have to sit ourselves down and talk it out like normal people."
>Though Celestia doesn't look too happy with you calling that cunting apple a cunt... and threatening to murder it she still gives you a pat on the head all the same
>"I'll admit that you could of learned a little more but we'll take what we can get! Learning a little is a whole lot better than learning nothing."
>The Princess looked over at Bon Bon, who was being as grumpy as usual
>And a cunt
>Don't forget about that
>"And what about Sweetie Drops over there, Anonymous? Don't you have something to say to the mare that's been helping you for the last couple of days?"
>...
>...
>...
>Oh fuck
>Here it comes
>Now you were going to have to look onto Bonnie's eyes and say some real heartfelt shit
>You could hear the shitty "we learned something" TV music if you listened hard enough...
>...Fuck hell...
>Realizing that you weren't going to walk away from this without at least giving Bon Bon a pat on the back you pick Applejack up off your lap and move her to the side
"Alright, Bon Bon, get your ass over here. It's your turn."
>Bon Bon's frown deepens
>"And what if I just want to keep sitting here huh?"
>Ugh
>FUCKING BON BON!
"...Get your fat ass over here before I get up and shove my foot up your ass for fuck's sake..."
>Humphing, the little candy mare swims over and sits back in your lap
>"You've been talking a lot about my butt you weirdo," she said, wiggling her rump back and forth to get comfortable. "You shouldn't--thmp!"
>You ignore Bonnie's glare as you clamp her mouth shut with a hand
"You're a fucking asshole, Bon Bon. You're unpleasant, you're grumpy, and you go out of your way to just be the biggest cunt you can be to everyone around you. Especially me. You're a REAL cunt to me."
>You made a face as if you had just tasted something foul
"But... I'm not much better than you and... you're my cunt I guess."
>Bon Bon stiffens as you wrap your arms around her in the fourth most awkward hug of your life
"And if I needed to have best friends I could do a hell of a lot worse than you and Lyra."
>You try to break the hug but Bon Bon suddenly wraps her hooves around your neck, holding you close
>...Alright then...
>"You still need to thank me for helping you, you jerk."
>You run your hand through her wet mane while the other hand awkwardly pats her on the back
"...Thanks for helping me out, Bon Bon. You and Lyra are some real pals."
>Bon Bon snorts as she rested her head on your shoulder
>"Pals? Don't be a faggot about all of this, Monkey."
>You twitch
"Fuck off you cunt," you grumble, giving the little asshole horse in your arms another hug. "And you'd better start working out this fat, fat ass of your's. I swear to god it feels like there's a big bowl of fucking jello in my lap right now..."
>"Yeah, well, that's not what your mother said last night. She LOVED this flank when I sat down right on her face."
>All around you little horses aw
>They fucking AWED
>But you managed not to ruin the moment by swearing or giving anyone the finger
>Barely
>You just held onto the toppest of cunts and let this sappy moment wash over you
>And boy did you not like it
>With a happy squeal, Celestia wraps her hooves around the both of you and pulls you against her chest
>"Oh I can just FEEL the friendship in the air!" she chirps while you and Bon Bon groan
>You swear, this big white horse and her fucking friendship lessons...
>"Ahem... Anon?"
>Looking up from Bon Bon you see Nurkle just standing there staring at you all with a nervous smile
>Oh look
>A wild Twily appeared
>Giving Bonnie one final pat on the back you pick her off of you
"Come 'ere Twilight."
>The littlest princess gulps before doggy paddling toward you
>She hesitates for a moment when she's right at your feet so you just pick her up and set her right down on top of you, ignoring her yelp and her gasp
>"A-Anon! Do--hmph!"
>You stare at the purple dork for a long while, your hand clamped over her muzzle
"I guess if I have to do a fucking live friendship report then I have to do one with you too, Spackle," you grumble, looking up at Celestia, who gives you a pleased smile
>"I'd love to hear what you have to say to my student, Anonymous. It always warms my heart to see friendships strengthen."
>...Yep
>You could taste the sappy in the air
>And it tasted like some BULLSHIT
>Goddamnit you were going to have to take a shower after getting out of this bath because of this...
>Releasing Twiggy's muzzle you cup her cheeks
>She blushes, and her wings twitch, but she doesn't shy away as you look into her eyes
"Twilight, you were just as much of a pain in the ass as Appulz over there."
>You grimaced, not wanting to make this any more lovey dovey than it already was
>...Fuck it
>You were already in too deep
>Might as well go all in...
"But I THINK I understand where you were coming from, and you DID get yourself fucked up when you tried to help me out in the end. So I forgive you and... THANKS for helping me out."
>Book horse blushes as you pat her on the shoulder
>W-Well... thank you for that, Anon," she said, coughing into a hoof. "But... I didn't come over here for an apology... Though I really appreciate it and it means a LOT to know I didn't ruin our friendship over all of this..."
>You find yourself frowning again as she trailed off, refusing to look at you, as red-faced as can been and squirming in your lap
>She didn't want some bullshit friendship lesson that you were just YOLOing?
>Then what the hell did she...
>...
>...
>...
>Wait...
"You aren't going to bother me about that kiss I promised you are you?"
>Darkle flinches and she did her best to look as small as possible
>"Well we c-could do i-it another time if you wanted!" she sputtered, damn near stomping on your balls as she sperged around. "I D-didn't mean t-to try to -pressure you so s-soon but I just--"
>Alright
>Hand goes back over the mouth
>"Hmph!"
>And there. we. go.
>With a groan you close your eyes and rub your temple with your free hand
"Now isn't the best time to be asking this, Twilight."
>Twilight's eyes got real big and she slumped down even more, her wings dipping into the water
"...But what the hell, it's not like I'm doing anything other than soaking in a big fucking tub while Sun horse tries to play footsies."
>Celestia gasped
>"I am NOT playing hoofsies with you!"
>Your frown deepens so much that you swear it comes off your face
"No you're not, you're playing FOOTSIES... Fucking ponies..."
>Shaking your head you let go of Twilight's mouth
>The little mare looked a lot happier now that you said that you were willing to give her a smooch
>But she also looked a hell of a lot more nervous
>...She better not get fucking cold hooves on this shit
>You weren't going to be waiting around when she wanted to fucking kiss you
"Come on then! Pucker up so we can get on with the show!"
>Twilight yelped again as you slapped her sides
>"W-Wait, Anon!"
>Books Mcgee shyly looks around
>"What a-about all of the p-ponies?
>You look at your "crowd", all of whom were openly gawking by now
>Fucking nosey pones...
"Twilight, right now I'm butt naked with my junk RIGHT under this water," you state, trying not to slap her when she gets even redder in realization. "I'm not sure you noticed but I've lost a good deal of fucks and I'm not about to give one right now."
>You give Twiggy's sides another slap
"Now come on, I don't got all day!"
>Twilight looked up at her teacher, who nudged her head toward you encouragingly, before staring back at you
>"A-Alright," she said, gulping. "H-Here I g-go..."
>With her rear legs tucked tightly against her chest, Twilight closed her eyes and puckered her lips
>Every single pony other than Celestia (who already had front row seats to this shit) leaned in as Twilight slowly started to wiggle up your lap
>She leaned in and ever so slowly...
>Eh
>Fuck all of this waiting
>Rolling your eyes you grab the back of Twilight's head
>Before the little horse could so much as make a noise you leaned in and roughly crashed your mouths together
>Ignoring the crowds collective gasp your tongue slides out of your mouth and brushes up against Twilight's lips
>The purple princess mewls, her eyes shooting open and her wings shooting up as your wet muscle invades her mouth
>She tries to wiggle away from you but you keep tight hold of the back of her head as your tongue explores the inside of her mouth
>It wrestles with her longer, thicker tongue, before your tongue does a bit more exploring
>You run it over her teeth, you trace the insides of her cheek, and after a while you start to suck on her bottom lip
>It wasn't your best kiss in the world but you figured Twilight would find it good enough to leave you alone about it
>You continue play around in Narkle's mouth, listening to all of the noises she made and trying to keep her from wiggling around in your lap too much, until your tongue got tired, wherein you broke the kiss
>Missioncomplete.jnp
>A spit trail connects your mouths as your lips break from each other, you taking a deep breath and Twilight just kind of... going limp in your arms
>Making a face you smack your lips together a few times
"Why the hell do you taste like old paper and ink Twi--"
>Whatever else you were going to say changes into a groan the second you look down at the purple dork in your arms
>Twilight Sparkle, Book Horse Supreme, was out cold with her wings at full extension and her tongue hanging out
"Seriously? You fucking passed out because of a kiss?!"
>You look up at the crowd, all of whom were red-faced with mouths open in shock
"Why the fuck would she pass out from a fucking kiss?!"
>Bon Bon, the only one not affected by your little kiss, snorted
>"Because you touch yourself at night," she snarked, clearly pleased with herself
>You open your mouth
>Then you close it
>Then you open it again
"...FUCK you Bon Bon..."
>You make sure that Twiggles doesn't fall out of your grasp before leaning back against Celestia and closing your eyes
>Though you couldn't see it Twilight smiled
"Fuck you."
 
THE END
