Title:           Diggy Hole 1
Author:          LaPsbin
Pastebin link:   http://pastebin.com/6BQnJLUX
First Edit:      Saturday 22nd of August 2015 11:54:08 AM CDT
Last Edit:       Last edit on: Saturday 22nd of August 2015 12:09:05 PM CDT

BE ANON
>You can't but frown in irritation as you walk out of your house pushing a wheelbarrow toward your front lawn
>Because of some BULLSHIT housing code you had to go and install a new, eco friendly septic tank for your home
>A septic tank that was going to cost you a fuck ton and that was a hell of a lot smaller than the one you had first installed in your house in the first place
> And yes
>You're pretty fucking mad about it
>You paid your taxes to this little horse government!
>You were out working seventy hours a week trying to make the world-- and your pockets-- just a bit fuller!
>Where did they get off telling you what kind of tank you needed to store your shit in?!
>You WOULD have gone to the town hall but FUCK THAT
>You didn't feel like going down to the local magistrate to bitch just to get told off
>A lot of ponies had already tried that and the mare had sent them away, insisting that this was for the BENEFIT of everyone
>What a bunch of bull
>The citizens of Ponyville had tried to find a way around the order or even say that it was illegal (the cheap little buggers they are) but it looked like it was a no-go
>Apparently there was some shady law in some long forgotten book of horse laws that said you had to get your septic tank upgraded every forty years or so
>And since it just so happened to be right about the forty year mark and most of these houses-- even though pretty much all of them had been destroyed like fifty times in the past two or three years-- still used old tanks you were all fucked
>You personally just think that she was trying to get her one of her fuckbuddies--that just so happened to own a bunch of the tanks that you just so happened to need--some business but whatever
>If they wanted you to do it you'd fucking do it
>If it was good for the environment and you got a tax deduction from buying the thing you could deal with it
>But you were going to be DAMNED if you were going to pay someone to dig the thing up!
>Mayor Mare had said that she'd send construction crews around for just that purpose--from her sister's construction company no fucking less!-- but just like most of the little horses around here you were just going to dig it up yourself
>In fact you've seen ponies walking around offering to help dig up their neighbors tank for free!
>Or, at the very least, for a heck of a lot cheaper than what the construction company wanted to charge you
>RoRofightthepower.gpj
>The Mayor might be fucking you over so her niggers could get 'de paper but that didn't mean you had to smile and deal with it
>...Fucking Mayor Mare
>If that bitch gets back into office next election there's no hope for horseland...
>But enough about that shit
>You had a big ass hole to dig
>And you just so happened to have had taken a few days off so you could get this shit done
>So that's what you were gonna do
>Because if you didn't get it done right now then you were never going to
>You had already picked out and parked a good spot for the thing and you had a shovel and pick axe for digging the ten foot deep by fifteen feet wide hole
>Now you just had to man up and get that shit done
>You weren't a stranger to hard labor
>It'd take a while to do it by yourself but you'd get it done eventually
>And besides, it was better than paying someone else to do it
>'Cause FUCK that!
 
BE APPUL HOERS
>"Thanks for the help, Applejack! It would have taken us forever to get this done by ourselves!"
>You can't help but smile at Lyra and Bon Bon, both whom were as sweaty and dirt-covered as you were, as you placed your well used shovel on your shoulder
"I was happy ta help," you tell them. "The mayor might be runnin' the lot of us through the dirt with this cot-picking new housin' law of 'ers but that don't mean we can't go around helpin' each other out!"
>An' you'd keep helpin' ponies get through this nonsense that the mayor was puttin' you all through
>It weren't right for her to be pullin' this outta the blue like she did
>Especially if she was doin' is 'cause she wanted ta get her husband some business!
>Darn near gave poor ol' granny a heart attacking payin' for that new tank
>In fact the lot of you at the Apple farm had been mighty sore about the whole thing
>But you were an Apple darnit!
>Since you couldn't get around the house code-- and Celestia knows you tried every way you would think of-- you an' lil' Applebloom had set yours up in a jiffy
>And, seeing how much that fancy-pants construction crew was tryin' to charge folks out the horseshoes, you had decided to see if you could get a bit of money on the side biggin' some holes
>Apple buckin' was a ways away and you HAD been meanin' to to buy yourself some new rope for... reasons (and NOT 'cause you wanted to join a rape herd!) so this was a good chance to work up a sweat and get yourself paid!
>And even if what you were a'chargin' ponies it was still half of what those crew ponies were!
>...Bucking government
>Tryin' to take muh hard earned bits so no good reason...
>After collecting your bits and wishin' Bonny and Lyre goodbye you trot into town to see if anypony else needed your services
 
"Hey Cherry Berry! Did ya need any help with that there diggin'?"
>"No thanks Applejack! Me and the girls got it!"
"What 'bout you Junebug? you look like you could use a helpin' hoof!"
>"Nah, I'm good over here Applejack! Me and the herd will get this done in a jiffy!"
>It went on like that for a long while
>You'd go to ponies houses askin' for work and you'd get turned away
>It looked like most ponies were just up and doing it themselves or gettin' another pony that had gotten the same bright idea as you to help
>It looked like you had gotten lucky getting Lyra and Bonny and the few others that you managed to work fer
>Ponyville looked drier an' the Appleloosan desert for diggin' work
>...Shoot
>Darn shame that you didn't finish up with Lye and Bon earlier
>You might have gotten a bit more work
>You still travel this way an' that, if just go have a chat with a few of your buddies in town an' just shoot the shit
>After this you had nothin' better to do
>Maybe a you and a couple of your buddies could go down to Berry's bar an' try to pick up a colt or---
>What the hay happen' over there?
>You stopped in your tracks when you see a few mares all gathered together whisperin' about somethin'
>Though you're not usually a neb-noser like Rarity you find yourself trottin' closer out of boredom
>"And he's just doing all of that work by himself!"
>"It's a shame. The poor stallion's got nopony to help him..."
>"Do you think we should go over there and see if we could lend a hoof?"
>"At the very least we could go over there and flirt a bit! Seeing a stallion working up a sweat is pretty bucking hot!"
>Trotting closer, you do your best to look over the group of mares to see what they're lookin' at
"An' what the hay's got ya'll riled up like this?" you ask. "Is somethin' wrong?"
>Every single mare turns toward you, each and every one of them looking slightly uncomfortable
>"Oh, hiya Applejack," Roma says, nodding her head at you. "We were just talking about... well, just look for yourself."
>You follow the mare's hoof and see Anonymous, your local alien primate, diggin' himself a hole
>It takes a few seconds to connect the dots of what you were seein' but when they did you couldn't help but gasp
>That poor stallion over there didn't have no herd an' he lived by his lonesome
>The poor colt was a different sort of fella an' he hadn't been livin' here that long....
>So when the mayor passed her little code he probably figured that he had to go an' put in his tank by himself
>A STALLION was bigging a big ol' hole ALL BY HIMSELF
>And not a single mare here thought to help 'em
>You find yourself glaring at the group
"Now why didn't ya'll go over there an' offer to help?!" you snap
>The mare's flinch an' one tried to say something but you cut her off
"Letting a stallion work by himself."
>You snort
>"Now I'm sure your pa's raised you better 'an that!"
>Pushing your way through a group of thoroughly ashamed fillies, you walk toward poor, poor Anon
"If ya'll ain't goin' to help'em then I'll mosy on over there an' offer myself!"
>Unlike a SOME ponies YOU were raised to help a stallion in need
>An' you couldn't let Anon do all of their marely work with him and his stallion senseabilities an' all
>As you near the human, who looked to have dug at least a foot deep for his tank, you heard him quietly singing to himself
>"My milkshakes bring all the boys to the yard, damn right it's better than your's. I'd teach you but I'd have to charge!"
>You can't help but twitch when a certain scent fills the air
>Sweat
>Stallions sweat
>...Anon is lookin' mighty fine swingin' that pick of--
>Hey now!
>Just wait a cotton-pickin minute Miss Apple!
>Now don't you go on tryin' to do anything other than what you came over here to do in the first place!
>You twitch again as Anon lets out a grunt as he swings the pick axe again but you quickly shake your head
"Howdy Anon!" you call with a slightly too big smile on your face
>The human doesn't look up from his diggin'
>"Hi Applejack, how's it going?"
>Adjustin' the hat on your noggin' you trot close toward him
"I saw you over here diggin' an' I was wonderin' if you needed any help sugarcube."
>Anon grunts again as his pick axe sinks into the soil
>"Thanks for offering but I'm good."
>You blink owlishly
>A stallion WANTED to work like a dog?"
"Are you sure?" you blurt out. "I'd be more an' happy to help ya!"
>Was there somthin' wrong with'em?
>Other than your big brother you didn't rightly recall any stallion that'd do this willingly!
>Was he shy?
>Did you make him nervous?
>Was he just tryin' to be a stubborn colt an' show all you mares that he didn't need no help?
>Your face falls as Anon just shakes his head
>"Thanks for offering but I'm good."
>You shuffle in place uncomfortably
"Are ya sure? I wouldn't even charge ya or nothin'..."
>Anon just grunts
>"You'll just get in the way and this take a hell of a lot longer."
>You're about to say somethin' but he just waves you away
>"You have a nice day Applejack."
"...You... You too partner..."
>You glance at the human for a second before slowly walkin' away
>Somethin' wasn't right here...
>You didn't know what but anypony would want help digging a big bucking hole!
>Somethin' was the matter with Anon and you needed to find out what
>But first you needed to get some help
>"My booty be shakin' my haters be hatin'.... something, something FIREBALL!"
>...
>...
>...
>Yep
>There was somethin' wrong with that colt...
 
BE ANON AGAIN
>"Whoo! Yeah, you dig that hole colt! You work up a sweat!"
>It's the second day of you digging this big ass hole and you'd like to think you had gotten a good bit done
>"Someponies working up a sweat!"
>You had managed to dig up about a foot and a half up from your laid out digging area and had even found someplace to put all of the dirt yesterday
>And now that you used your pickaxe to break up all of the really hard dirt, leaving the softer stuff underneath, you were sure to get this fucking hole dug up in a day or two
>Even though it was barely past lunch you had managed to dig up and haul away another foot of soil already
>So you had this shit in the bag
>"Why don't you let a real mare show you how to dig a hole, colt! The two of us can even take a shower together after I show you how it's done!"
>And speaking of soil you found yourself with a lot of it
>Almost a half of a ton right now and a hell of a lot more coming
>There was a good chance that you weren't going to need all of this soil to bury your tank-- which STILL hadn't been delivered yet-- but you were sure you could do SOMETHING with it
>Hell, you could just use it to make a little garden somewhere in your front lawn
>Maybe you could even plant up a bunch of flowers over this fucking septic tank
>"Poor stallion. Somepony should go over there and help him out! He's gonna hurt himself if he keeps working like he's working."
>The soil was already all turned up so you couldn't see why not
>Your front lawn was pretty dull and it could use a bit of colo--
>"Turn around and show us your flank you slut!"
>You finally look up from your digging to the crowd that had gathered around your fence
>The second you look up at them every single mare looks away, each one of them doing their best to look like they were doing something other than gawking at you
>...And shouting and whistling
>Lets not forget that they're doing THAT
>...And have been for the past FOUR HOURS
"OI! Will all of you shut the fuck up and get away from my fence," you snap, waving your shovel at them. "I'm trying to work and I can't when half the fuckin town's got nothing better to do than bother me!"
>You had managed to ignore it at first
>You knew these little horses were weird and did some weird shit
>Some catcalling and whistling was almost normal compared to what usually happened around here
>Hell, you were even a bit flattered
>You weren't going to stick your dick in any of them--you weren't no horsefuker--but it was nice to see that these little ponies thought you were attractive
>In a weird, slightly narcissistic way
>But then the mares just kept coming and coming until there were like EIGHTY little pone's just standing there watching you fucking dig
>And you had just about enough of it
"Go on! Get the hell out of here and go be fucking weird somewhere else!"
>The mares shy away from your fence as you drop you shovel and step out of your hole and make your way toward them
>You were going to boop the SHIT out of them
>THAT'D teach em a lesson they'd never forget...
>You ready your pointer fingers of destruction and were about to reach out to the nearest little horse when someone starts to loudly tsk
>"Well I never! I trot into town to buy some bread and look at what I find!"
>The crowd parts, revealing a horrified looking Rararararara
>"You all harassing some poor stallion like he was some piece of meat! Never in all of my years--"
>Rarity continues to berate the mares as she walks toward you, so much so that each and every one of them look like they're ready to run away from embarrassment and shame
>You just sit back and watch the scene in front of you unfold with a smile
>Good ol' Rarara
>She'd get these women off your back so you can get back to work!
>"--And further more each and every one of you should have just offered to help the poor dear in the beginning instead of bothering him like--"
>Wait a second
"Hey, Rarity."
>Rararara stops her little rant and looks at you with a smile
>"Did you need something Darling?"
>You lean against your fence
"It's actually what I DON'T need."
>You watch as confusion worms it way onto Rarity's face
>"Whatever do you mean, Darling?"
"I don't need any help with digging," you tell her
>You hear the crowd start to murmur amongst themselves but you continue to eyeball the dressmaker
"I already told a bunch of you that I didn't need any help and I still don't.
>"B-But--"
>You boop Rarara and she reels back, her nose scrunching up and her eyes derping
>...Aw
>Qt little pone
>You were about to reach out and boop her again but decide against it
>Her little horse body wouldn't be able to handle two boops in such a short time
"I appreciate the offers ladies," you say, looking up at the crowd. "But I think I can handle digging a hole by my lonesome. All I want is a bit of peace and quiet doing it if you don't mind."
>All is silent as you and the crowd stare at each other
>You're looking at them expectantly and they're looking at you like you just grew a second head
>...
>...
>...
>...And the seconds tick by...
>...
>...
>...
>Oh shit!
>Could it be?!
>You knew this silence!
>It was AWKWARD SILENCE!
>Every Time there's an awkward silence a terrorists is born!
>Ohfuckingshitson!
>Youcan'tlettheterroristswin!
>Youhadtodosomething!
>For'Questria!
>Loudly clearing your throat you clap your hands together
"Alright, so... you can all go now. Shoo."
>The mares look at one another before slowly leaving
>"Well he didn't have to be MEAN about it. We would have been happy to help but he had to tell us to buck off..."
>"If he wants to do it all by himself who are we to stop him? Even though it's pretty bucking weird...."
>"It looks like we got a case of "strong independent stallion that don't need no mare"!"
>"I didn't even want to see his flank anyway..."
>Rararara looks like she wants to say something else but you just shoo her away until she leaves with the rest of them
>These little horses have overstayed their welcome
>The chattering and yelling was funny for a little while but you still had to dig this hole
>Sooo...
>Don't let the door hit you where the pony god split you
>The moment that the last mare is out of sight you take a deep breath and spin around
"Good! Now I can get back to fucking work!" you mutter, making your way back to you hole and your shovel. "Fucking silly, crazy little horses... Trying to keep me from my lawn work..."
