Title:           Hormones are a Bitch
Author:          LaPsbin
Pastebin link:   http://pastebin.com/NQfeN3Vs
First Edit:      Tuesday 22nd of March 2016 01:34:10 PM CDT
Last Edit:       Tuesday 22nd of March 2016 01:34:10 PM CDT

>Be Celestia
>Also be happier than you have been in a long, long time
>You were happy because your assumption had been correct
>Even though your husband had been skeptical about your ability to conceive children with him you had known better
>You could carry his child
>You could have a family with you
>You KNEW this in your heart of hearts
> And a few months after your heat you had gotten undenible proof that you were right
>After feeling a little under the weather on a whim you had taken a pregancy test
>To your absolute surprise and utter joy it had been positive
>You had run out of your bathroom like your tail was on fire so that you could find your husband to tell him the news
>Anon had carried you back to your bedroom and had all but forced you take about half a dozen other tests
>When those had all been postive your sunshine had somehow gotten his hands on the royal physician and had all but forced her to check you over
>During that examination both you and Anonymous had been bouncing around the room like a couple of antsy children
>You both hoped with all of your hearts that the tests you had taken weren't faulty
>You so desperately wanted them to be right
>And they were
>After an hour of checking you over the doctor had announced that you were with child
>To say that the two of us were excited was the understand of the century
>You suspected that the whole of Canterlot could heard your husband's wonderfully silly laugh as he picked you up, tears streaming down his face, and spun you around, exclaiming loudly to the whole world that he was going to be daddy
>You weren't too proud to admit that you had cried like a little colt yourself, wrapping both your hooves and wings around your husband's neck and holding onto him as hard as you could
>You were going to be a momma!
>He was going to be a daddy!
>You were going to have a child!
>News got out quick that Princess Celestia Solare, the Princess of the Sun, was with child
 
>From what you had been told every major city in Equestria had celebrated
>For WEEKS you and Anonymous had gotten letters of encouragement and congratulations from foal and adult alike
>It truly warmed your heart that you little ponies had taken the news to well
>Just like when you had managed to work up the courage to ask Anonymous for his hoof in married you had been worried that your subjects would have been outraged that you were going to have a child that might be... different
>But you had been never so wrong
>Not only did they wholehearted welcome your sunshine into the royal family it looked like they were going to give the welcome of the century to your little filly or foal
>You had a husband that you loved more than the sun itself, your people loved and supported your and you were with child
>You and Anon were having a baby
>One that had come from your loins
>A child that was YOURS
>But you were still a Princess of Equestria!
>Even though you had a baby growing in your belly didn't mean you could just slack off!
>No!
>There was still too much work to be done!
>You had laws to pass and diplomats to see and duties to get done!
>But, most importantly, you needed to make sure that your child came into the safest, most stable world imaginable!
>They needed a safe city where they could play safely!
>They needed the best schooling that bits could buy!
>There needed to be more toy stores and soda shops so you could take them to places after preschool so you could bond as a family!
>Your husband, the brains of your relationship, had said that your desire to turn Canterlot into the most perfect child-rearing environment ever imagined was a noble idea
>...But in the same sentence he had said that you were a curd head that needed to take it easy
>You had another "passenger on board" as he said it
>Which meant that you needed to take care of yourself a bit better
>That meant eating better
>That meant getting more sleep
 
>That meant taking a load off and taking it easy
>So you had, under your husband's insistence, given the majority of your duties to your sister and your student Twilight
>No more stressful work for you!
>Nope!
>You had the next twelve months to yourself so that you could re-lax
>Something which you hadn't been able to do since...
>...
>...
>...
>...Forever?
>You honestly couldn't remember the last time that you re-laxed...
>You barely knew the word really...
>Even saying it felt... wrong
>So yeah
>Forever
>But you wanted your child to be healthy when it was born so you had bucked down and gave it a try
>You spent some time with your husband
>You read a few books
>You cleaned up your room a little bit
>And you could honestly say, after experiencing all that re-laxing had to offer, you found that you really didn't care all that much for it
>You didn't care for it at all
>You were used to working from sun up to sunset
>Meeting with ponies, signing and revising documents, getting things done like the marely mare that you were!
>You were a workaholic!
>And you needed you fix DARN IT!
>And all of this waiting around and doing nothing was KILLING YOU!
>And that feeling of bordom/anxiety wasn't helped in any way when your hormones had started running wild during the second and third month of your pregnancy
>You might not have gotten any morning sickness (thank the gods) but that didn't mean you didn't have some problems
>More than once you had gone down to the kitchen and eaten an entire tub of crunchy peanut butter mixed with ketchup and Worcester sauce
>Once or twice you had woken up in the middle of the night with the sudden but all-consuming urge to hold your husband down and rut him until his pelvis broke
>And you weren't even going to get into all of your trips to the bathroom
>...Your child was barely formed and they were already using your bladder as a punching bag...
 
>But even through all of that horse apples you had carried yourself through your pregnancy with dignity and grace
>Even when your stomach started to swell up and your body started aching in all of the wrong places
>Even when you started going to the bathroom more than twenty times a day
>And even when you had accidently eaten your husband's shirt in your sleep because you had been dreaming of ice cream and carrots
>Because you were going to be a mommy
>A mother
>A mum
>A mama
>After month six you had even managed to convince your husband let you to take on a few of your old duties!
>Though you had waddle around to get to places and the toilet bowl was starting to become your new royal throne you could still see to the diplomats!
>And most of the time that was a heck of a lot more enjoyable than it was stressful!
>Which was what you were doing today
>Queen Amira and King Haakim had come all the way from Saddle Arabia to come see you
>They had insisted that it was to revise some trade agreement but you knew better
>The Rulers of the Red Desert had come all this way to see your swollen belly and tease you about it
>Not that you minded; you had done the same with Amira with her first foal
>So there the three of you were, sitting in your private study with a cup of tea in front of you and a bowl full of hay, sauerkraut and mayonnaise, chatting about the topic of children
>"So how has your husband been taking all of this, Celestia?" Haakim asked, mischief in his eyes. "Has he been tearing through the shops grabbing every diaper and bottle that he can get?"
>You quietly groaned as you shoveled another spoonful of your... food into your mouth
>Hmmm...
>Sauerkraut-y
"Actually, Anon's been oddly calm about this," you said. "He's been--"
>Your eyes widened and you quickly put your spoon down
"I need to use the restroom. Excuse me."
>Both Haakim and Amira giggled knowingly as you stood up and made your way toward the bathroom
 
>Whoooooo
>Momma needs to go baaaaaaaad!
 
>Be Prince Anonymous
>Also be pretty annoyed at the moment
>You were walking through the castle with a big glass full of some weird drink that your wife had to drink
>You didn't know WHY she had to drink it, something about it being filled with a whole bunch of essential vitamins and minerals, but what you did know was that she had to drink at least ONE of these glasses a day
>And while Celestia had been eating some weird shit since she had gotten pregnant this drink was a no-go for her
>She HATED the taste and did her best to stay as far away from this drink as possible
>So, being the wonderful husband that you were, you had decided to take it upon yourself to make sure that you wife drank her mystery beverage every single day
>Even if she didn't want to
>Usually it'd be a pain in the ass to track her down but today she was entertaining guests in her private study
>So all you'd have to do was go in there and make her guzzle down her drink and all would be well
>Everyone could continue about their day and you could get your work done
>...Hopefully
>As you arrived at the little room you could see two little horse guards standing there doing what their name suggested
>Seeing you they saluted, stepping away from the door and even opening it for you
>Your wife had tried to be silly and use her guard to keep you away from her when you were coming for drink time but the guard knew better
>They knew who wore the pants about this castle
>Even though you were going to come into the room anyway you decided to be nice and knock
"Celly? You in there? I got your drink."
>"Is that you Anonymous? Please, please, come in!"
>Hmmm...
>Was that Amira and her medium-sized horse husband?
>It sure sounded like them...
>Stepping into the room you see that it was indeed the Saddle Arabians, both of which were smiling warmly at you
>Closing the door behind you you couldn't help but smile back
 
>Out of all of the rulers that Celestia had introduced you too these two were the one's that you liked the most
>Even if they got a little... weird every once in a while...
>"Good afternoon, my lord," Amira said with an inclination of the head. "It is wonderful to see you again."
>"We were wondering if we were even going to see you in this trip," Haakim added as you walked over and sat down. "What with you being so terribly busy all hours of the day."
>You looked over toward the bathroom
"Is my wife getting some business done?"
>The royal couple nodded as you sat the glass down onto the table
>"Yes, the poor thing ran to the bathroom like her tail was on fire," Haakim said, a look of pity on his face
>Even Amira's nose scrunched up
>"It was the same when I was with my first child," she told you. "Running to the bathroom every five minutes... If was not an enjoyable experience to say the least..."
>She nudged her head toward the bowl of...
>...
>What the hell was your wife even eating?
>"That and all of the odd food cravings..."
>Haakim let out a giggle
>"I swear to the stars that she asked our chefs for meat in the seventh month of her pregnancy," he said, leaning against his wife and nuzzling her cheek
>You rested your elbows on the table, your smile widening
"Oh really?"
>Amira must not have liked the tone of your voice because the smile left her face
>Meanwhile, the grin on Haakim's smile grew
>This little horse knew what you were getting at
>You see, you liked to play a game with the rulers of other countries
>A game that only their husbands or significant others really liked to play
>It was "lets tell embarrassing stories about our wives and see how flustered they get because of it"
>You were VERY good at this game
>And as luck could have it so was Haakim
>"Oh it wasn't all bad," the stallion said, trying to act as casual as possible. "You should have seen the way that my little desert rose started to curl into a ball while she slept."
"Sounds cute."
 
>"It warmed my heart every time she did it, especially when she started to rub her stomach and whisper things to our unborn child when she thought that I was asleep."
>Both your and Haakim's smiles grew as Amira started to loudly sweat
> It was time to twist some teats
>IT was time to twist some teats real, REAL hard...
 
>Be Celestia
>Oh sweet baby Luna that was a close one!
>You almost didn't make it to the bathroom in time!
>And when it was all said and done you were pretty sure that you broke a sweat!
>...Yep, you broke a sweat!
>Fanning yourself with a wing you quickly rinsed off your hooves
>You could hear laughter coming from the other side of the door
>Huh...
>It sounded like somepony else was out there with the royal couple...
>Who were Amira and Haakim talking to?
>A small, curious frown came to your face as you walked over toward the door and began to open it, curious as to who else would be in the room with them
>It probably wouldn't be Luna since the lazy-bum was still sleeping
>It wouldn't have been Discord because only he'd be laughing
>Twilight was probably in the middle of court right now to it wasn't her
>So who could it be?...
>Opening the door you saw Amira had draped herself around your husband, her, Haakim, and Anon laughing their heads off
>...
>Now
>You knew that Saddle Arabian culture was a good deal different from Equestrian culture
>Their ideas of personal space were a lot different from your little ponies
>What Amira was doing was in no way sexual or questionable to your husband
>She was just being friendly because her and him were friends
>In your head you knew that
>You KNEW it
>But, as you stood there watching a mare touching YOUR stallion, you couldn't help but let out an angry, horsey snort
>An anger started to well inside of you
>An ancient, primal anger
>Anger one only feels when they see a rival attempting to steal their mate
 
>This anger came on so quickly and with such ferocity that you commonsense was washed away in a tide of rage
>Anon was YOUR's!
>YOOOOUUUUUURRRRRR'SSSSSSS!
>Nopony else could have him!
>NOT EVEN A LITTLE BIT!
>Your eyes narrowed and your horn sparked to life
>Both Anon and that HUSSY let out yelp as you picked Anon up and placed him in your chair
>Not anypony else's chair
>YOUR'S
>That was YOUR bucking chair!
>Puffing your chest out and spreading your wings you stomped toward the table
>YEAAAAHHHH!
>GET A LOOK AT THIS PLUMAGE HERE FILLY!
>THERE'S MORE THAN ENOUGH HERE TO BEAT YOU WITH!
>MORETHANENOUGH!!!
>"Oh, there you are, Celestia," your husband said as you walked over toward to him. "We were just-"
>You quickly neighed at the stallion of your dreams, shushing him up
>Mommy didn't have time to talk, honey pie!
>Right now she had a stallion stealer to deal with!
>Amira opened her mouth to say something but you whinnied, puffing your cheeks out and standing on your tippy hooves
>YEAH!
>LOOK AT HOW TALL I AM!
>I'M THE BIGGEST THAT THERE EVER WAS!
>BE THREATENED YOU BUCKING PONYLET!
>Your nostrils flared
>YOUR SCENT WASN'T ON ANONYMOUS!
>HOW THE HAY WERE YOU SUPPOSED TO KEEP OTHER MARES OFF YOUR STALLION IF HE DIDN'T HAVE YOUR STINK?!
>YOU'D FIX THAT RIGHT UP BUTTERCUP!
>AND AFTER THAT YOU'D BEAT THE HORSE APPLES OUT OF THIS HUSSY AND HER HUSBAND!
>WHY?!
>BECAUSE YOU WERE BUCKING PRINCESS CELESTIA!
>AND NOPONY TRIES TO STEAL YOUR MAN AND GETS AWAY WITH IT!
>[Angry horse noises intensifies]
 
>Be Stalwart Shield
>Ya yeah!
>Your shift was over!
>Time to get some grub and hit the hay!
>You hummed a little tune to yourself as you walked down the hallway
>It had been another easy, boring day
>Which, oddly enough, you were days you were starting to really enjoy
>You guess that Gungho was right...
>You SHOULD just sit back and smell the--
>"GET THE BUCK BACK HERE!!!"
BOOM!
>The castle suddendly and unexpectedly began to shake, the sounds of explosions and things breaking coming from not far from where you were
>With a yelp you lost your footing and hit the ground with a painful thud
>What in the name of Celestia was THAT?!
>As you looked down the hall, your eyes wide, you got to watch as Prince Anonymous, wearing nothing but some horribly torn underwear, sprinted down the hallway as fast as his feet could take him
>In either arm were the King and Queen of Saddle Arabia, both whom looked as ragged as he did, screaming in their native language
>Though you didn't know any desert talk you were pretty sure that they were screaming "GO FASTER!"
>...
>...
>...
>What the buck was going--
BOOM!
>You kissed the ground as another explosion rocked the castle
>Not a second later Princess Celestia, her mane and tail ablaze, flew around the corner
>"ANONYMOUS! YOU PUT THAT HUSSY DOWN RIGHT NOW SO SHE CAN FIGHT ME MARE-TO-MARE!!!"
>"Get your ass moving, Private," the prince roared. "My wife's letting her hormones get the better of her!"
>"I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT I'M COMPLETELY CALM THANK YOU VERY MUCH! NOW PUT HER DOWN SO I CAN BREAK HER!"
>"STOP GETTING YOURSELF SO WORKED UP! YOU'RE GOING TO HURT THE BABY!"
>"COME HERE AND LET ME RUB MYSELF ON YOOOUUUU!!!!"
>You are Stalwart Shield
>You are now running through the hallways of Castle Canterlot like your tail was on fire
>And right now you're staring to think that you should have taken your dad's advice and been a dentist
>...You would have been a GOOD dentist...
