Title:           Chaotic Happenstance V
Author:          LaPsbin
Pastebin link:   http://pastebin.com/x6xcyQYJ
First Edit:      Thursday 25th of February 2016 01:42:05 PM CDT
Last Edit:       Thursday 25th of February 2016 01:42:05 PM CDT

>A new day began with you opening your eyes and finding that Eris wasn't in your bed
>Which was both a relief and very, very disconcerting
>At least if your mate was sleeping with you that meant she wasn't fucking around somewhere else
>With YOUR fucking money...
>So, as you stared up at the ceiling trying to fully wake yourself up, you couldn't help but wonder what the draconequus was up to
>Probably nothing good if you had to guess
>Groaning quietly, you rolled out of your bed and made your way toward your bedroom door
>Fuck bathing right now
>Fuck getting out of your PJs
>Fuck brushing your teeth
>You needed to see what Eris was up to and if she was--
"ofvnsdfvndlkn!"
>The second you try to step through your door you slam face first into a wall of saran wrap
>Cursing like a sailor you lost your balance and fell onto the floor in a heap, saran wrap flying everywhere
"Mother... FUCKER!"
>As you tore at the cunting plastic you could hear a giggle from outside of your room
"OI!" you shouted, tearing the saran wrap from your face. "Who the fuck decided to be a funny cunt? And is this the shit I bought the other fucking day?! Eris? ERIS! DID YOU DO THIS MATE!"
>Tearing the last bit of plastic off of you you stomped through the door--
>Only to step on a banana peel
"SON OF A--"
>With a yelp you found yourself in the air
>A second later you found yourself staring up at the ceiling on your back with a stinging arse
>Oh...
>Oh NOW someone was going to fucking get it...
>You quickly sat up as you heard another giggle coming from just around the corner
>Eris's fucking giggle
>The pub basher in you wants to leap to your feet and charge toward the giggling with ill intent but the more sensible part of you decides against it
 
>No...
>That's what she WANTS...
>Climbing to your feet you SLOWLY began to make your way toward your stairs, making sure to keep a sharp eye out for any boobytraps or other such nonsense
>Twice you had to jump out of the way of a spring loaded pie trap
>And there was that giant whoopee cushion that you almost tripped over
>But eventually you managed to get downstairs relatively unscathed
>All the while you could hear that giggling
>That teasing, mocking kind of giggling that just set you off
>Eris thought she was being a funny cunt huh?
>Well she better laugh it up now because you were going to get her right--
PLOP!
>You stiffened as a pie flew out of nowhere and hit you right in the face
>Whipped cream flew everywhere, all over your nice carpet and your PJs
>...
>The pie tin slide off your cheek and hit the ground with a thud
>"Morning Nonny!"
>Cracking open an eye you looked over toward your kitchen to see your mate standing there with a grin and another pie in her clutches
>"It's strawberry if you're wondering. I thought about using cherry but--"
>With an earsplitting roar you launched yourself toward your mate, murder in your eyes
>Eris yelped, disappearing with a snap of her claws as you threw yourself at her
>Skidding into your kitchen with whipped cream and fucking strawberry pie all over you you noticed that your entire kitchen was filled with pies
>There were pies on your kitchen counter and your table
>There were pies on top of your fridge
>There were pies in the sink
>There were even pies perched on your chairs
>Not giving it a second thought as to WHERE your friend had gotten these fucking pies you grabbed two
>Just as you did that Eris appeared near your sink
>With a pie in each claw, a cowboy hat on her head and a bit of weed in her mouth
>The two of you stared at each other down, waiting for the other to make the first move
 
>Do it...
>Fucking do it...
>PLEASE fucking do it you scaley cocksucker
>Eris stuck her tongue out at you
>"Your name calling really isn't very nice, Nonnykins," she said, spitting out the weed in her mouth. "I'll have you know that I've never sucked on a rooster in my LIFE... Though maybe I'll try it one day."
>You tense as she tilts one of her pies back just a hair
>"If nothing else it'll be funny to hear what noises it'll make. Maybe I can go ask Fluttershy if I can borrow--"
>At that moment you chose to fucking unload
 
>Be random pone
>And like any random pone you name does not matter
>You are simply your normal, run of the mill horse-like creature who was just making her way through this technicolor world as best as she could
>You are sitting behind your little pone stall selling your little pone wares
>And you were happy
>Not happy-happy or kind of sad happy
>Just... happy
>Last night you had asked out that nice stallion that one of your friends had introduced you to last week
>And today it looked like you were going to sell all of your horse tangible goods that you had brought out here today
>Yep
>It looked like things were really going your--
>"COME BACK HERE YA FUCKING BLIGHTER!"
>Before you could even register what the hay was going on you could hear screams of terror in the distance
>Looking down the street you saw a group of ponies running away as fast as their hooves could carry them
>Many of them looked ragged, some of them were pale, and...
>Oh sweet Celestia...
>Were some of them covered in PIE?!
>What the hat was going--
PLOP!
>A startled grunt escapes your lips as a pie flies out of nowhere and hits your wither
>...
>You stare down at your sudden but terrible wound
>Huh
 
>You always thought that getting hit with a pie would hurt...
>They always showed ponies getting hit by pies screaming in pain or just falling over in the movies and stuff like that
>But it didn't hurt or anything
>In fact you couldn't even feel any--
>You continued to stare at your wither as the strength in your legs give out and you fell to the ground
>...Why?
>Why did this happen?
>Why did you get hit with a pie?
>Your breathing starts to become shallow as your vision darkens
>You weren't supposed to die today!
>You were supposed to sell all of your little horse things and you were supposed to go home and eat all of that fudge that you bought the other day!
>You weren't...
>You couldn't...
>Why would...
>Your eyes slowly flutter closed as you breathe your last few breaths
>Looks... like its... time to... die...
>...
>...
>...
>"OH STOP BEING SUCH A LITTLE BABY! YOU'RE FINE!"
>You yelped as somepony jumped over you
>Opening your eyes you saw that it was that weirdo Discord with a pie in each one of his grabbers
>You were about to glare at him when Anonymous leapt over you, covered in pie and with a crazed look in his eyes
>"GET THE FUCK BACK HERE YA GIT!"
>"YOU GOTTA COME AND GET ME FIRST, NONNY!"
>"OH I'LL FUCKING GET YA! I'LL FUCKING GET YA GOOD!"
>You let out a huff as the two disappear around a building, tossing pies around like it was a thing to do
>...
>There's pie all in your fur...
 
"GET THE FUCK BACK HERE!"
>You dodged a pie as it flew toward you, tossing one of your own
>It missed Eris by a mile, the giggling draconequus weaving through the air like a snake
>Growling, you tossed your other pie, accidently hitting some poor, unsuspecting bystander
 
>"MUH HORSE FACE!"
>Jumping over the little horse you continued to give chase
>Oh you were going to get this cunt!
>You were going to get her SO fucking--
>Faster than your eye could follow Eris spun around
>With a snap of her claws dozens of pies appeared out of thin air
>Ohshit!
>"Oh Nooooonnnnnnnyyyyy. I have a little something for you~""
>Grinning, Eris snapped her claws again, sending the pies careening toward you
>Cursing, you did the only thing that you could do
>You closed your eyes, prayed to whoever was listening, and you rolled like a motherfucker
>Like in your video games
>And your roll might have actually worked too
>If you didn't roll smack dab into the front door of SugarCube Corner
"Fuc-OMPH!"
>Your body collided with the poorly made pony door, knocking the thing off its hinges so that you and it slid into the establishment
>Before any pain registered you were on your feet running toward the counter at full tilt
>There must have been about twenty little horses sitting in that pastry shop not including Mr. Cake, who was standing behind the counter doing very important business horse things
>If you would have bothered to look you would have seen the looks of shock and surprise on their faces at your very sudden entrance
>You also would have seen the horror in Mr. Cake's eyes as he looked at his ruined door
>But you weren't paying any attention to them
>The only thing you were paying attention to were all of the cakes and pies under that counter
>"ANONYMOUS! WHAT THE HAY DO YOU THINK YOU'RE--eep!"
>Mr. Cake dove out of the way as you jumped over the counter and hid under it
>Just in the nick of time too, because the second you were hidden behind the counter a barrage of pies were hitting where you just were
>"Are you ready to give up, Anonymous?" Eris asked, lazily floating into the room with dozens of pies behind her
 
>Most of the ponies took this as a sign that maybe they should be elsewhere, many of them dropping whatever they were eating and drinking and running out of the shop like their tails were on fire
>The pansies...
>"CupCake!" Mr.Cake yelled, crawling into the backroom army style. "Sweetie! Get the kids, RUN FOR YOUR LIFE, OH SWEET CELESTIA ABOVE WILL SOMEPONY CALL THE POINCE?!"
>Reaching under the counter you grabbed what looked like a cherry pie
>It was a good looking cherry pie, the crust golden brown and the cherries and filling a nice looking red color
>This pie probably took a lot of love and hard work to make
>You could imagine Mr. or Mrs. Cake slaving over an oven to make this bad boy
>...
"Fuck you mate!"
>You threw the cherry pie as hard as you could
>Eris, with a yelp, dove behind a table
>"HA! YOU MISSED!"
>Her claw poked over the table and without warning she snapped it, sending every pie toward you
>Grabbing another pie you hunker down and get ready for one hell of a shootout
>And what a shoot out it was
>Pies, cookies, cakes, everything and anything was used for a weapon that day
>From outside of the bakery you could hear Mr. and Mrs. Cake, Twilight, the captain of the local guard and the poince yelling at you to cease desist and stop all of your bullshit
>The lobby, from the ceiling to the walls to the floor was covered in filling and icing and cookies
>Both you and Eris were covered in ruined treats
>You were breathing hard and covered in sweat as you were reaching for whatever was left under that glass counter
>You were going to show your fucking mate what was up
>You were going to get her
>You were--
>"You're not going to get anypony, Nonny!"
"Stop fucking doing that!"
>"Stop doing what?"
>THAT'S IT!
>Snarling, you grab the only things left underneath that counter
>Two triple stacked ultimate death-by-chocolate whole chocolate cakes
>TIME TO FINISH THIS!
 
>As if sensing that the end was drawing near, Eris poked her head up over the table and looked at you as you rose to full height with a cake in each hand
>Her eyes narrow and she quickly stood as well, two pies appearing in each of her claws
>...
>...
>...
>NOW!!!!
"AAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!"
>"AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!"
>With mighty battle cries you hop over the counter and Eris hopped her frankenstein ass over the table that she was hiding behind
>There's not much of a distance between you two but you're both moving as quick as you could, madness in your eyes
>HERE IT FUCKING COMES!
>THE FINAL BATTLE OF YOUR TIME!
>THE BIG END!
>THE ENDING CREDITS TO THIS SHITTY MOVIE THAT YOU CALLED LIFE!!!
>FFFFFFFFOOOOOOOOOOOOOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTBBBBBBBBBBAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!
>You could see the pies coming toward you in slow motion but you do nothing to get out of their way
>You were going to get hit; there was no helping that
>But if you were going to go out you damned sure were gonna go out getting this bitch too!
>Icing and bits of cake behind to fly everywhere as you bring the cakes forward with the intent to fuck up
>Eris's eyes widen she she sees that you're not stopping, not moving one little bit
>You could just make out her trying to slow down as you turned your head and closed your eyes
Plop!
Plop!
PLOP!
"Fucking!-"
>"Oh apple sauce!--"
>One pie hits you right on the side of the face
>The other nails you right on the hip
>You could hear Eris let a squeak as one of the cakes got her full on the muzzle and the other one splattered against her chest
 
>Not half a second later the two of you crash into each other full force and hit the ground with a thud
>...Alright
>MAYBE it wasn't the best idea to run at your mate as fast as you can and then look AWAY from her
>But you had already made your stupid, short-sighted decision
>Time to motherfucking doubledown
>Though the wind is knocked out of you and there's pie, cake, and whatever the fuck else you were throwing all over you you rolled to your knees
>Grabbing a handful of floor-cake you grabbed your mate, who was busy groaning in pain on her back, and shoved that handful of cake into her muzzle
>Her claws immediately shot up and she began to flail
>"Nonny noooooo!"
"Ya wanna be a fucking joker mate? Do ya now?"
>"It's getting into my fur!"
"I'll give ya fucking jokes! I'll twist yer fuckin' funny bone until ya can't stop laughing!"
>You were about to grab another handful of cake stuff when Eris's tail wrapped around you and knocked you onto your back
>You only had time to blink when the crazy lass was on top of you with bits of cookies in her claws
>She better not--
"Orgnkfndlfndkjnl!"
>It was your turn to flail and sputter as Eris rubbed the cookies into your face and neck and chin
>"How do you like that, Nonny? Sweet enough for you?!"
>You managed to uncoil yourself from her tail
"I'll give ya fuckin' sweet!"
>For the next ten minutes the two of you wrestle on that messy, messy floor ruining your clothes
>Sometime during that roughhousing you found yourself smiling
>A little bit after that you found yourself laughing
>Genuinely, honestly laughing
>Eris, so covered in cake that she was borderline unrecognizable, looked as happy as you felt, a big old grin on that face of her's as she tried to put you in a headlock
>This was the Discord you remembered
>This was your mate that you fucked around and got in trouble all the time with
 
>This was your friend
>And it was... nice
>Really nice honestly
>After a bit more of wrestling you found yourself laying flat on your back staring up at the ceiling
>Eris was laying right next to you, one of her claws holding your hand
>Though the handholding usually bothered you this time it wasn't all that bad
>...
"Ya know yer gonna be owing me some new fuckin' clothes right ya cunt?"
>Eris giggled, giving your hand a little squeeze
>"I'm sure that I can figure something ou--"
>"ANON E. MOUS!" Mrs. Cake's voice rang out. "I SWEAR TO CELESTIA IF YOU RUINED THOSE CAKES I JUST MADE I'M PUTTING YOU OVER MY HOOF AND BEATING SOME SENSE INTO YOU MISTER!!!"
>...
>...
>...
>Ohhhhhhhh....
>Alright....
>You broke into a pony's place of business and vandalized it
>Like a lot
>Vandalism was committed, a few chairs and tables were broken, and you were pretty sure you accidently broke that glass counter...
>Crimes were committed...
>...
>Both you and Eris look at each other
>The draconequus snapped her claw
>Almost as if it was magic (because it WAS fucking magic) the gunk on the floor and the walls started to disappear
>The tables and chairs started to fix themselves and the glass reattached itself to the counter
>In less than a minute all of the destruction that the two of you had left in your wake was all fixed and tidied up
>Which was kind of... disappointing
>You mean you made the mess and now it was just... GONE
>Like all of that hard work had bee--
>"THIS IS THE POINCE! COME OUT WITH YOUR HOOVES, HANDS, AND CLAWS UP OR WE'LL... W-WE'LL DO SOMETHING!"
>Hah
 
>Fucking pansy pony police
>Both you and Eris giggled as the Draconequus snapped her claws and the two of you were gone
 
~Later~
"Fucking... buggering... get the fuck off you cunting..."
>You wiggled around as you struggled with your cake-sodden shirt
>Come on...
>Get off...
>Fucking get off you cunting thing...
>A cry of triumph escaped your lips as you FINALLY managed to pull the shirt over your head
"Got ya fucker!"
>Tossing your shirt onto your floor (because fuck it) you then began to work on your pants
>Ugh
>Rara was going to have a shit fit when she found out you had to throw away the clothes that she made for you
>But it couldn't be helped
>There was no way in hell you were cleaning all of that shit off your clothes
>Fuck
>That
"It's all in me fucking hair," you muttered, pulling off your pants and tossing them over near your shirt
>Wearing nothing but your boxers you made your way out of your kitchen toward the stairs
>It was going to take half the fucking night to get all of this cake off of you
>You just KNEW it...
"I swear to Christ the shit's in me ears..."
>You shake your head like a dog
"I can't hear a fucking thing."
>Jamming a pinkie in one of your ears you quickly made your way up the stairs and toward your bathroom
>If you were paying attention you would have noticed that the door was closed
>You might have also noticed the sound of water being run
>But because you couldn't hear because of the fucking cake in your ears and you fusing with your hair you didn't notice any of that as you opened the door to your bathroom
 
>You twitched in surprise as a puff of steam hit your face as you stepped into your bathroom
>Looking up you saw Eris, naked as a jaybird, cleaning herself off with a loofa in your shower
>The draconequus was humming a little tune to herself as she cleaned herself off
>She was doing this silly little two-step dance
>Because of it you could see her two big, full, and round breasts with two perky little nipples bouncing to and fro on her chest
>You could see the taunt muscles in her stomach moving as she shimmied back and forth
>Those perfect legs and hips tensed and untensed as she moved
>You could even see her perfect slit between those legs of hers
>...
>This wasn't some sort of scheme to get into your pants
>Eris's little dance was an innocent one; the kind of innocent little dance that one did when they were alone in a shower
>She didn't know you were going to barge in
>She had just wanted to clean herself off so she beat you to the shower so she could do just that...
>Though every fiber of your being was screaming at you to close the fucking door you stood there frozen, unable to look away as your mate bent over to scrub her le--
>Annnnnnd there's an eyeful!
>"I'm walking on sun spots, ohhh! I'm walking on sun slots, ohhh! And don't I feel--"
>Eris looked up from her legs toward your stupid, frozen ass
>Her eyes widened
>"ANON!"
>Quickly covering up her goodies with her claws and her tail she threw her loofa at you
>"G-GET OUT OF HERE!!!!"
>You stumbled backwards as the loofa hit you in the face, the back of your foot catching on the bathroom rug and sending you back into the hallway into your ass
>You could hear Eris snap claws
>Not half a second later the door was slammed your face, leaving you heaving hard staring at your door
>...
>...
>...
 
>What the FUCK was that?!
>Looking down you see a very disconcerting sight
>There, straining against your undies, was Anon jr.
>Harder than he had been in a long while
>...
>...
>...
>WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?!?!?!?!
>WHY DID YOU FREEZE LIKE THAT ?!?!?!?!?!
>WHY WAS YOU DICK SO DAMNED HARD?!?!?!
>WHY WAS ERIS'S BODY BURNED INTO YOUR FUCKING MIND?!
>FUCKING HELL!!!
