Title:           Catcalling
Author:          LaPsbin
Pastebin link:   http://pastebin.com/v3Z1BUQB
First Edit:      Friday 26th of August 2016 03:33:06 PM CDT
Last Edit:       Friday 26th of August 2016 03:33:06 PM CDT

>"Twilight? Could you just PLEASE go and talk to them? Please?"
>You sighed
>Not again...
>Caramel was staring at you hopefully, like you had the answers to every problem imaginable
>He didn't need to say exactly who you needed to go talk to
>This wasn't the first time that you had had this conversation with somepony, and you doubted that it would be the last
"What did they do this time?" you asked, rubbing your snozzle in irritation
>Caramel reddened
>"The same thing that they always do," he grumbled, looking away from you while kicking at the floor
>It took a significant amount of willpower not to groan
>You knew where this was going
>You knew that you were going to have to go down and talk with them
>It wasn't going to help anything; they weren't REALLY doing anything wrong so you couldn't exactly charge them with anything or even get them in trouble
>And no matter how hard you tried Mr. and Mrs. Cake wouldn't make them leave since they were such good customers
>...
>Sighing again, you rose to your hooves
"I'll go and talk to them," you said, stretching like a cat
>Caramel smiled
>"Thank you Twi," he said, sounding as grateful as you've ever heard him. "I know you're busy and all but this is really getting out of hoof now. They're talking like that in front of FOALS!"
>It got out of hoof the moment that the three of them starting sitting outside SugarCube Corner, sweetheart...
>But you didn't say that, even though you really wanted to
>You simply smiled at the earth pony and made your way toward the door
>Into the breach as they say...
>The walk into town was a short one, as it always was
>The sun was shining brightly, Rainbow had taken some time out of her very important sleep schedule to clear the skies, and ponies were out and about doing everything under the sun
>If one didn't know any better they would have said that it was just another day in paradise
>But you, and everypony else here, knew better
 
>There was trouble in paradise
>The troubling kind of trouble that was troubling
>A wolf whistle cut through the air like a knife, drowning out all other sound
>Ponies stiffened, looking around warily, but you continued forward
>"Sweet baby Jesus! I hate to see you go but I LO-VE to watch you leave, Carrot Top."
>"UnunUM, look at that girl swing those hips! She be fooling around and turning every SINGLE head when she walks by!"
>"That ass is fit to make a good Christian man into a sinner lord."
>Itbegins.jpg
>Frowning, you quickened your pace toward SugarCube Corner
>As you got closer, you noticed a change in your fellow townsponies
>Their gaits were stiff and hurried, and they had blushes on their face to a mare
>...
>They must have been at it the whole morning...
>Turning the corner, you spied the sweets shop at the other end of the street
>Recently, the Cakes had decided to build an outdoor patio where their customers could sit and enjoy the weather while they ate
>It had been a hit with the shop's patrons, so much so that one would usually be very hard pressed to find a seat there at any hour of the day
>As usual, every single table was full of ponies enjoying cupcakes and bagels and coffee, but your attention wasn't focused on any of them
>No, you gaze was focused on the table seated closest to the street
>There were three occupants seated at that table
>Their names were Anonymous, Incognito, and Unknown, but you knew them by another name
>The Banes of your Existence
>To the untrained eye, these three looked like a couple of very respectable stallions
>Each of them were clean shaven, their hair was well looked after, and all three of them wore very fine suits, with matching bowler hats, whenever they went out
>But underneath all of those fine clothes and hair was a perversion; a perversion that no stallion should have
>Or any mare for that matter
>All three humans were facing the street, drinks in their hands and sweets carefully laid in their laps
 
>You could see their eyes roaming over ponies carefully
>They were looking out for their next victim, you knew, and the moment that they found her they wouldn't stop their shouting until that mare was a red, embarrassed mess or had dropped into a heap right there on the street
>Ponies were ducking around carts and keeping low to the ground, trying to go unnoticed, but you knew that it was a waste of time
>The humans saw everything, and no matter what you, the local borough, or the PDA did they would flirt with everyone and everything that crossed their path
>...
>As you looked at the three you could feel a headache coming on
>A part of you just wanted to turn around and leave
>No matter what you said they weren't going to stop
>They didn't mean anything bad by it, in fact their catcalls were really flattering every single time, but it was still embarrassing
>Embarrassing and wildly inappropriate
>Especially when they did it out in public like this
>...
>Buck it
>Steeling yourself, you marched toward Sugarcube Corner with your head held high
>Almost immediately, the three human's spied you
>"Well bless me, if it isn't our beautiful princess," Incognito chirped before taking a sip of his sweet tea
>"Good lord, I thought that the sun was shining just a little bit brighter," Unknown said with a smile
>"I'll have to say a prayer to almighty god before I rest my head down to sleep tonight. It is not very day that he sends such an angel this poor sinner's way," Anon said, clapping his hands together in prayer.
>...Aw
>That's actually really--
>No
>NO!
>Focus Twilight
>Your mouth twitched as you tried very hard not to smile, marching up and stopping just a few feet away from the three
>The humans were all smiles, as they alway were
>"Good evening, Mrs. Twilight," Incognito said, tipping his hat to you. "Would you like to take a seat and partake in some of the edibles that we have laid out?"
>You shook your head
 
"No thanks," you told them. "I'm actually here because a pony came to me with a complaint that--"
>"Applejack, honey child! Why don't you bring your fine self over here and chat for a little while?" Unknown playfully called, looking your wither
>Turning your head, you saw Applejack making her way down the street
>"Come on over, country gal. Come bring your fine self over 'ere. We won't bite!" Anon said with a whistle, leaning back, spreading his legs, and patting his lap
>Incognito took off his hat and began to fan himself with it
>"Lord above thank you for dropping all of these angels in my lap. Praise be to Jesus..."
>A blush came to Applejack's face as she stared over at the three
>She pulled her hat over her face, but you could see her grin
>She continued down the street as the boys continued to call out to her, a pip in her step and her hips swaying
>When she was out of sight the humans made disappointed sounds
>"If that girl's daddy was still alive I'd shake his hoof," Unknown said, buttoning the top two buttons on his jacket with an explosive sigh. "Sweet mercy me..."
>You loudly cleared your throat to get their attention
"Fellas, I know that you're just having a little fun but could you please tone it down a little?" you begged. "Ponies bring their foals into the marketplace..."
>Anon, Unknown, and Incognito looked at each other
>You could see the gears turning in their heads as they thought over your words
>You perked up slightly
>Maybe this would be it
>Maybe they'd finally listen to you and stop all of this nonsense, or at least not scream what they wanted to do to mares whenever they walked by
>"I hear ya, Mrs. Twilight," Anon said, standing up and taking his hat off. "I know where you're coming from and lord knows I've tried!"
>He looked toward the other humans
 
>"Brothers! You know that I'm a godly man. You know that I carry the lord's word in my heart and his good book in my pocket next to my beating heart. But I'm still a sinner; I carry sin in my heart, lord forgive me."
>Your wings drooped as both Unknown and Incognito pulled out fans and began to fan themselves
>Buck...
>"Preach brother. PREACH!" Unknown said, waving a shaking hand in the air
>Please...
>Please don't...
>With a solemn expression, Anonymous climbed up on top of the table, letting his hat drop to the ground below
"Anon, I dont--"
>"I try my best, lord knows that I've tried, but there's just so much TEMPTATION in this hard world," Anon continued, stomping his feet onto the table and spreading his arms out wide
>He looked up, staring out at every single pony in the marketplace
>"So many beautiful mares out here has a man thinking such SIN-FUL thoughts!"
>"Ahem," Unknown said, fanning himself rigorously
>Incognito closed his eyes and lifted a hand into the air, his lips moving but no words coming out of them
>Anon pulled out a handkerchief from his back pocket and began to mop up the sweat dripping from his face
>"I wanna hold a mare close, lord. I wanna hold her hoof in my hands and run my fingers through her mane. I wanna kiss every part of her body and show her just how much of a goddess she is. Fat ones, skinny ones, big ones, small ones; I wanna show 'em all lord!"
>Many of the mares listening perked up
>You even found yourself smiling slightly
>That was actually reall--
>"Sweet virgin Mary mother of Jesus Christ I wanna bend a pony over and fuck her in the ass lord!" Anon cried throwing his hands up to the heavens. "I wanna spear that ponut with my cock and coat her insides white, lord god! I wanna cum until my balls ACHE!"
>Everypony within earshot turned red
>Horse apples, everypony from here to Appleloosa turned bucking red
>A few feet away, Daisy crumpled to the ground, a hoof against her temple
 
>Parents were covering their children's ears
>Even the sun seemed to shy away
>And still Anon continued
>"And I wanna spill my seed all over a pony's ass, dear lord. I wanna put my member in between her sweet, sweet cheeks and blow my load right up her crack so hard that it hits the top of her head."
>"Speak the truth brother! Speak it!" Unknown cried, his fan a blur
>Anon stomped his feet some more, knocking over food and drink
>He was almost dancing now, you noticed, feeling your eye twitch
>His eyes were rolling in his head and his body was shaking
>His face was dripping with sweat, and he was wearing the look of one possessed
>"The holy ponut's got me child!" he cried, leaning backwards, covering his face with a hand. "It's got me! It's taken over my body lord!"
>The other two humans began to slap, throwing their hands up and cheering and yelling and making a fuss
>To your immense irritation you saw other ponies joining in, stomping their hooves with smiles on their faces
>"I wanna touch the ponut! I wanna kiss it! I wanna pound it until a mare's screaming my NAME lord!"
>"Hallelujah!" Unknown cried
>"Hallelujah!" Incognito shouted
>"HALLELUJAH!" every mare that could get away with it roared
>...
"...Hallelujah," you muttered, walking over and taking a seat next to Incognito
>Anon looked like he was having seizure but you ignored it, grabbing one of the drinks that had been lucky enough not to be knocked over
>Taking a sip you noticed that it was sweet tea with just the perfect about of sugar and lemon
>...
"Hallelujah..."
