Title:           Diggy Hole 4
Author:          LaPsbin
Pastebin link:   http://pastebin.com/6Yvvqckb
First Edit:      Saturday 22nd of August 2015 11:59:49 AM CDT
Last Edit:       Saturday 22nd of August 2015 11:59:49 AM CDT

>You race back to your house with the speed of a thousand Kenyans
>Ponies have to throw themselves out of the way to keep from getting run over
>And you might have actually ran a pone or three over
>But fuck that!
>Appul hoers was touching your stuff!
>And that's a bad pone
>A bad, bad pone!
>And all bad pones get sent to the no-no corner for half an hour!
>80%angry!
>"'Nonny wait!"
>Out of the corner of your eye you see Pinkie running, or hopping in her case, right beside you
"WHAT?!"
>"See? And you said you weren't grumpy! Now how about you stop and let aunt Pinkie--"
>You skid around and corner and growl when you see your house
>Sure enough you can make out a shovel head from here
"OI! GET THE FUCK OUT MY MUH HOLE!!!"
>With your prize in sight you find an extra burst of speed, which causes you to break away from Ponk
>Oh Applejack done fucked up today!
>You were gonna boop her SO HARD!
>Then, after that, you were going to tickle her until she cried
>Twice!
>And maybe hit her with a rolled up newspaper to finish it all up
>Yeah you're a monster
>What the FUCK are you gonna do about it?!
>As you draw nearer you see Applejack poke her little horse head out of the hole to look at you
>It doesn't look like she had that big of a pile of dirt next to her
>Which means that she must have just started digging
>Good, that meant you actually had something to dig
"Applejack!" you yell. "Get out of there! Bad! BAD!"
>With a mighty roar you take a few steps before launching yourself into the air
>The wind whipped at your face, your clothes rustled, and your stomach turned as you flew the rest of the from the entrance of your house (which was like two feet), through the air, and into the hole (which, all in all, might have been a bit more than five feet but who's counting?)
>Applejack yelps in surprise as you fly overhead and land a foot next to her
>...Shit!
>You nearly rolled your fucking ankle...
>Glaring down at the little orange horse before you you try to discreetly roll your ankle around, trying your very hardest not to wince in pain
>7/10 landing
>Any landing you survive is a good landing but would prefer a smoother one next time
>Apple tries to open her mouth to say something but you grab her by the scruff of her next and left her bodily into the air
"What. Did. I. Say. About, Wanting. Help?"
>She glares right back at you while adjusting the hat on her head
>"I'ah heard what ya said yesterday but I'ah ain't havin' any of it," she says, poking your chest. "Ya'll ain't diggin' this here hole of yers without mah help anymore!"
"I already told you I appreciate the offer but--"
>Applz just scoffs
>"But nothin'!"
>She poked you again
>"I'ah don't care if yer bein' ornery or if yer just thick in the head! Yer a stallion an' this ain't stallion work, at least not by yerself. So shut yer trap an' let me help ya finish digging up this here hole!"
>Your chest receives another poke
>"Now why don't ya be a good colt an'--
>Your eyes narrow dangerously
>This little horse comes onto your property, uses your equipment without asking, and tells you that she's digging out your hole just because
>And she poked you
>More than once
>In the motherfucking chest!
>Oh...
>You done fucked up now little horse
>You bring her so close that you noses were touching, your lips drawing back into a snarl
"Applejack," you growl. "If you don't--"
>She pokes your chest again and you eye twitches
>...This pone is about to get a fucking smack down...
>If she pokes you ONE MORE FUCKING TIME!
"--don't get out of my hole and off my property in the next five seconds I'm going to TOSS you through the air as hard as I can."
>Apple pone leans in for another poke but stops when she sees the look on your face
>"Why don't ya want anypony else helpin' ya ya ornery varmin?" she demanded, her eyes narrowing down to slits
>Your frown grows
"Because it's my hole and I took a fucking week off to dig it! I don't want any of you coming around here trashing up my yard anymore than it needs to be."
>You lift Applejack a bit higher before booping her like like she's never been booped before
"AND I'll get more done by myself than if I had a shitload of you crawling around everywhere getting into my shit."
>Shaking your head you toss her out of the hole and pick your shovel back up
>Looking up you see Applejack glaring down at you with her widdle nose scrunched up in irritation as she quietly huffed and puffed to herself
>Little pone mad
>Though you couldn't find a fuck to give at the moment
>You had dealt with enough fuckery today
>Work NEEDED to get down
>For christ's sake
>Waving her away you make a show of starting to dig
"Now if you excuse me I have work that I need to--"
>Applejack tries to hop back into the hole but you're too fast for her, snatching her out of thin air and holding her against your chest
>"Let go of me an' let me help ya, Celestia damnit!" she yells, squirming in your grasp
>Keeping a tight grip on the little cow pone you get out of the hole
"Fuck off Applejack."
>"Yer bein' difficult fer no good reason!"
"Fuck off Applejack."
>"Yer goin' ta get yerself hurt if ya keep on workin' like this gosh darnit!"
>"Fuck off Applejack."
>You grip her tightly as she struggles as hard as her little horse body will let her
>"STOP TELLIN' ME TA BUCK OFF!!!"
>Making your way to the end of your front yard you drop Applejack in a heap on the other side of your fence
>She hits the ground with a grunt, her hat falling off of her hat and gently floating down and onto to her rump
>You might have laughed if you weren't so jacked right now
>...But...
>Eh what the hell
>Kek...
"I didn't tell you to buck off," you say, grabbing her hat, dusting it off, and leaning over your fence to put it back on her head. "I told you to FUCK off."
>Emerald eyes glare up at you as you look down at her with the tired determination that came when a man had to deal with horse bullshit for far too long
"So if you'd kindly FUCK OFF and let me go back to my digging then I'd greatly appreciate it."
>Not taking her eyes off of you Apple bottom climbs to her hooves
>"This ain't over, Anon, ya here!"
>Still glaring at you she slowly begins to trot away
>"THIS AIN'T OVER!"
>You watch as she leaves, more than ready to grab her, boop her, and toss her right back over if she tried anything funny
>You had your hands in booping position and everything
>But thankfully she just leaves, leaving you mildly upset and irritated and drained
"Fucking horses," you mutter making your way back to your hole.
>Hopping back into said hole you sigh
>Sweet baby Jesus were you having a fucking day
>And you kinda almost didn't have the energy to dig after all of the weird, random shit that you had had to put up with
>But you were going to be DAMNED if you weren't going to do it now!
>This was your fucking yard
>This was your fucking dirt
>And that tank was yours to fucking dig up
>No matter what anyone had to say on the matter!
>Grumbling to yourself you grab your shovel and swing it into the earth
>You were gonna get this fucking hole dug, by your fucking self, even if it killed you!
>Out of spite if nothing else!
>Damnit!!!
>You don't know who long you stay in that hole
>It could have been minutes, it could have been hours
>But in that time you focus on throwing as much dirt over your shoulder as possible
>Right now you were on an inner journey with your spirit tonka truck
>A journey where you would learn the meaning of life, the workings of the universe itself, and how to make the best honking sounds to sound EXACTLY like a car
>A big, fast, awesome care
>With flames on the sides
>You dig and dig and dig, all the while muttering about apple horses and pone mayors and random I'll-ask-to-blow-you-when-the-whole-towns-watching pones and vrooming to yourself until you stop for a moment to take a breather and see how you were doing
>...
>...
>...
>Holy fucking shit...
>You must have dug like two more feet!
>Boy did you work like a champ when you were mad!
>Now smiling slightly you put your hands on your hips, taking a moment to bask in your own glory
>You must have been five or six feet down by now
>If you worked for a bit longer you could finish the rest of this shit up tomorrow easy!
>But first you should probably go and move all of that dirt
>Now you you were looking at it you could see that you were running out of places to toss the stuff...
>Still smiling you climbed out of your hole, and you were about to make your way toward your wheelbarrow, when you hear something
>Something that sounded suspiciously like a lot of hooves stomping around...
>You just stop and cock your head to the side, trying to listen carefully
>...Yep, that sounded like hooves
>What were the little towns pone's doing running around this late in the day?
>And why in the hell did it sound like there were a load of them?
"The fuck is going on?" you mutter, walking toward your fence
>The sound seemed to pick up with each passing second and by the time you reach the fence, leaning out into the streets to see what the hell was going on, you could very clearly hear, and feel, the sounds of marching
>"We gotta find a a way!"
>"WE GOTTA FIND A WAY"
>"To show our friend that we care!"
>"TO SHOW OUR FRIEND THAT WE CARE!"
>"And he needs to know that he has some really great hair!"
>AND HE NEEDS TO KNOW THAT HE HAS SOME REALLY GREAT HAIR!"
>The marching gets louder and louder and more thunderous, so much so that you can feel the vibrations in your feet,until Twilight motherfucking Sparkle turns the corner
>With about a THOUSAND fucking ponies
>Earth pones, bird pones, horny pones of all shapes and sizes marched behind the purple princess in perfect formation and in step
>They had determination in their eyes, their little heads were held high and their chests were puffed out
>And
>They
>Were
>All
>Marching
>Toward
>Your
>FUCKING
>HOUSE
>...
>...
>...
>Shit!
>With a yelp you charge back toward your hole and hop into it
>You knew those fucking looks!
>The little horses had finally formed a pone version of the KKK (like you knew they would) and now they were marching around town lynching/raping/other all of the minorities!
>And since you were the only non pony in town (other than all of the donkeys but who gives a fuck about them?) they had come straight to your fucking house!
>Looking around desperately you find your shovel, reaching down and grabbing it before poking your head out from the hole as best as you can and watching as the mob marches toward you
>You always knew that these little horses were out to get you!
>What with them looking at you funny whenever you walked around outside to buy things or shouted obscenities at them whenever they pissed you off
>They didn't like the fact that you wore clothes
>They didn't like the fact that you had hands
>They didn't like that you had come down here with your new fangled ideas and views on life and shit
>And you couldn't even go and get help, what with Princess Pork Spork leading the little fuckers
>For all you knew the head horses up in Canterlot wanted your ass murdered Tupac style
>Except with widdles hooves instead of bullets
>And horses were killing you not gang members/the government
>Most people would have had the common sense, after seeing a big ass mob marching toward you Nazi style, to take a hint and run the other direction
>Maybe go find that Zecora bitch and live your days out as a kickass witch doctor
>But you were going to be DAMNEd if they were going to scare you off or take you without a fight
>This was your fucking house!
>And even though the ponies here didn't want you you liked this fucking town!
>If these little horses wanted to get you than that'd have to come down here and MAKE you leave
>Your grip on your shovel tightens as you look at the adorable little pone surpremists
>With their fucking smiles...
>And the way that they chatted happily while the front row sang about friendship...
>Blood thirsty, and racists, monsters
>The lot of them!
 
BE Twilight Spong
>You can't help but feel terribly pleased with how all of this had turned out
>After Daisy and her sisters had gathered up everypony in town you had spend the next two or three hours explaining everything
>How Anon looked at everyone and town, seeing friendship blossom and strengthen, and felt alone and sad at not experiencing them himself
>How the poor, poor stallion must have felt because of having a culture that was a little different than his
>How he obviously wanted friends but didn't know how to show you all that he cared or that he even wanted to be friends
>Needless to say every single mare in attendance had been horrified; the stallions doubly so
>Every single one of them had passed by, talked to, or had been around Anon
>But not a single one of them knew he was hurting as bad as he was
>You, until very recently, included
>But that was in the past!
>Now that you all knew the problem you could all fix it!
>It almost brought tears to your eyes (no homo) with how quickly the towns ponies had rallied around you, dropping everything they were doing to go and console this gentle(ish) giant that you had all come to know
>A gentle giant that was peering out from his hole, looking absolutely terrified as you all march up to his house
>Alright Twilight!
>You had a stallion that was in emotional
turmoil on your hooves
>Time to be an alpha mare, walk up and tell him that everything was going to be fine, hit him with a friendship lesson, and begin to make out furiously so that the other mares didn't try anything funny with him
>...
>Y-You know
>For friendship and... stuff!
>Your little army of friendship stops with you
>Alright
>Time to shine!
"Anon!" you call. "Can you come over here for a second? We all have something really, really important we need to tell you!
>"Fuck off purple!" the human yells, waving a shovel at you. "You're not gonna fucking lynch me!"
>The smile that had been on your face dips
>What the hay was a "lynch"?
"Anon what are you--"
>"You might have formed a fucking pone power movement, Spackle, but don't think I won't fucking go down fighting!"
>Now you can hear ponies behind your starting to speak amongst themselves
"Anon plea--"
>"I already got a big ass hole dug up so we don't need to motherfucking graves! I'll make sure we all die tonight!"
>Glaring at you all he points a shovel into the crowd
>"Especially you Bon Bon!"
>Ever pony in the crowd turns to look at Bon Bon, who frowns
>"What?! Why me?" the earth pony demands indignantly, stomping her hoof
>Anon waves his shovel around a bit more
>"Fuck you! You know what you did you dirty little horse!"
>"No fuck you!"
>You awkwardly clear your throat
>With had obviously gotten out of hoof already
>You just needed to swing it back in a more friendship-y direction and everything would be fine
"Um, Bon Bon, maybe--"
>"Fuck me? You don't even know what fuck means!"
>"I don't care!" Bon Bon roars back, stepping out of the crowd and walking toward Anon's fence. "Fuck whatever fuck means and FUCK YOU!"
>The human, his eyes narrowing, crawls out of his hole and stomps toward her
>"Double fuck you you little marshmallow-looking candy-maker!"
>Bon Bon, growling, hops up onto her back legs, leaning against Anon's fence and butting heads with him as soon as he's within headbutting distance
>"Triple fuck you you whiney, weird, clothes obsessed monkey thing!"
>"Chubby, three color tone having, grouchy tooty-fruity!"
>"Gangily, weird dick having, fuddy-duddy!"
>Anon growls
>"And how do you know what my dick looks like you taffy stand monk tickler?"
>Bon Bon answers his growl with her own, though you could see a blush forming on her face
>"Because I just do you..."
>She blinks, trying to think of an insult
>"...you...you... you double zigger!"
>Anon's eye bug out, and he staggers back as if struck
>You can hear ponies in the crowd gasp at the blatant racism as you eye twitches
>This...
>This wasn't friendship...
>This wasn't friendship at all!
>"Double zigger?!?!?! You--"
>"WILL THE TWO OF YOU JUST BUCKING MAKE OUT ALREADY?!"
>Both Bon Bon and Anon look back out into the crowd
>"FUCK OFF!" they both snarl before once again butting heads, growling and glaring at each other
>...What is--
>Why--
>How--
>You can't help but groan, facehoofing so hard you very nearly knocked a tooth you
"Well everypony just calm down for ONE SECOND?!"
>With a flap of your wings you launch yourself over Anon's fence and toward Anon's side
>Grabbing him you gently pull him away from Bon Bon
"Bon Bon! You know that Anon's really emotional right now! WE'RE supposed to be here to show him that we care, not scream at him!"
>Bon Bon's face scrunched up dangerously
>"No! Buck you and fuck him!"
>She bares her teeth as she leans over the fence so far that you fear she's going to break it
>"Fuck you Anon! Fuuuuuccccckkkkk yyyyyoooooouuuuu! If you think I stopped making my gum drops just to get yelled at by a stallion for no BUCKING REASON THAN YOU HAVE ANOTHER--"
>You watch as Lyre slowly trots out of the crowd, shaking her head
>"Bonnie, sweetie, remember what the doctor said about that temper."
>With her magic she pulled the frothing at the mouth Bon Bon away from the fence and dragged her into the crowd
>"I'm sorry about that, Fingers," the mint green mare calls over her shoulder as Bon Bon struggles against her magic. "I hope that the princess manages to help you out with all of your biz and stuff."
>"FUUUUCCCCKKKK YOOOOOUUUUUU ANNNNNOOOONN--thmp!"
>"Come on, Sweetie, let's get you home before you pop a blood vessel."
>You, Anon, and pretty much the whole town watches the two leave before all eyes turn to you
>You can't help but whimper, sitting heavily on your rump and sniffling
>This... hadn't turned out like you had been expecting
>There was supposed to be a song and dance and Anon was supposed to get real happy when he found out that you all cared about him and--
>You wipe your nose with a hoof, sniffling again as your wings drooped onto the ground
>Don't you bucking cry!
>Not in front of everypony!
>Don'tyouBUCKINGCRY!
>"God is Bon Bon a cunt," Anon says before looking down at you
>"Twilight? what the hell's biting you?"
>He gets down on one knee and puts one of his hands on your shoulder, giving it a squeeze
>"Hey now, there's no need to cry."
>Still sniffling, and uncomfortably close to crying, you shuffle forward, burying your face into Anon's chest and wrapping your hooves around him
>You'renotgoingtocry!
>You'reabigmare!
>Abigmare!
>Anon wraps those glorious arms of his around you, rocking you both back and forth as he runs his hand through your mane
>"There there, everything's alright, Nerkle."
"I just wanted to bring e-everypony to s-show you t-that we all c-cared a-and--"
>You can't help but sink against the human as much as you can
>You felt so comforted, so safe in those arms
>You could have stayed like this forever...
>And there, in the arms of the big stallion that you had come to comfort you started crying
>Like a big colt
>A colty colt
>And sweet Celestia, if you didn't feel so safe and loved right now you would have died from embarrassment
>#PrincessProblems
 
BE ANON
>Welp
>It looks like Bon Bon broke Spackle
>Her and maybe you just a little bit but it was mostly her fault
>...Fucking Bon Bon
>She knows what she fucking did...
>You do you best to calm the crying pony in your arms as she mumbles something about friendship and care and holes
"It's alright. Shush, it's alright..."
>Damn
>It must be more stressful organizing a lynching mob than you thought...
>You take a minute to look up at the crowd
>All of whom look slightly uncomfortable and confused as to what the hell was going on
>You also were confused as to what the hell was going on
>Time to change that
"Hey you."
>A little horse from the crowd looks at you
>"Me?" she says, pointing a hoof at herself
"Yeah you. What the hell's going on? Are you all here to lynch me or some shit?"
>Your question is met with looks of confusion
>"..What the hay is a Lynch?"
>The mare looks at her fellow soon-to-be murders
>"We're all just here to help you."
>You frown as the whole lot of them say as much
>Help you?
>What the hell did they mean by that?
>Was is the good kind of help or was it the help where you find yourself in a death camp?
"...And what, pray tell, are you here to help me with?"
 
>BE TWIBORG DARKLE
>You don't know how long you've been in Anon's wonderful, caring arms
>It could have been a minute, it could have been an hour
>You weren't the best judge of time whenever you were being a cry baby
>But when you HAD finally managed to stop your crying and unlatch yourself from his chest you could see that the sun was about to set
>"There you are, Purple."
>Wiping your tear-riddled face with a hoof you look up and see Anon looking down at you
"H-Hey, Anon, " you say weakly, hiccuping
>The human gives your back a rub
>"You feel better now?" he kindly asked
>You lean into the rubbing, your wings twitching in delight
"... A little bit," you answer
>Boy must you look like a baby right now...
>Holding onto a colt while you cry your eyes out in front of everypony...
>Anon nods, patting your back before getting to his feet with a grunt
>"So, I've been talking to the little army of horses over there," he says, pointing at all of the towns ponies that you had brought with you. "And they mostly told me what the hell was going on while you had your little... moment."
>You can't help but blush a bit as you nod
>You wanted to say something, wanted to take what all of these wonderful and caring ponies behind you had (hopefully) told him and say some words of wisdom that would be the cherry on top but you were a bit scatterbrained at the moment
>It was hard to think now that you had Anon's scent all over you
>His powerful, alluring, stallion-y scent...
>Your wings twitch once again
>But it's because of a different kind of excitement
"Aha..." you say almost absentmindedly, trying your very hardest to keep your wings in check
>"And I just want you to know, from the bottom of my heart, that I appreciate what you were trying to do."
>Your ears perk up as he pats your head
>Looking over your shoulder you see the towns ponies all smiling at you
>"It's nice to know that all of you little guys care enough about lil' ol' me to come out and do this," Anon continues, a small smile making its way onto his face.
"Even though I'm not the kind of guy that likes the feelsy stuff all that much it's nice to know that someone cares. Really, it does."
>Anon shrugs, rubbing the back of his head
>And I know I haven't been the... BEST neighbor in the whole wide world, and I know that I'm a pretty hard guy to be around and befriend and all of that shit-- hell, I don't even know all of you guy's names when you know mine-- and that's pretty shitty of me... To treat you all like that I mean..."
>You look up at Anon with wide eyes
>Was this it?
>Was this the moment when this shit show turned out alright and everypony learned a lesson about friendship?
>You can't help but find yourself smiling, rocking to and fro in giddiness
>Oh it's happening wasn't it!
>You could FEEL it in your bones!
>Your friendship bones!!!
>"I'm a big boy. I can admit it when I'm wrong."
>Anon throws his arms up in the air
>"And I'm wrong... I guess. So I'm sorry. For being a dick and stuff... I'll try to work on my dickery in the future and try to act more friendly and nice and stuff."
>"And you'll stop swearing at us whenever we walk by your fence?" somepony in the crowd asked
>Anon stiffens
>"Hey! I didn't start swearing at some of you for no reason"! he says defensively. "Some of you little fuck--"
>Anon stops himself, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath
>"...Fine. I'll stop swearing at you all whenever you walk by my fence alright?"
>The towns ponies look at each other before each muttering that they accepted his apology
>...Wait
>You did it?
>You solved the friendship problem?
>Even after all of the horse apples that happened today that tried its best to mess this up?
>HAH!
>Who's the bucking Princess of Friendship?!
>You were that's who motherbucker!
>You were the BEST Princess of Friendship!
>Whoooo!!!
>Squeeing you leap into the air, doing a little dance, before landing on your hooves
>We did it!
>We did it!
>We did it!
>Yay!
"So does that mean you'll let us help you dig your hole?" you ask him
>Oh you could not WAIT for write a friendship report about his!
>Princess Celestia was going to be so--
>"Nope."
>You freeze
>The towns ponies freeze
>About half a mile away a flock of geese freeze
>...
>...
>...
>Wat
"...What?"
>Anon nods, shooing you out of his yard
>"While I'm up to the gills in love and understanding and friendship and shit I'm still gonna dig the hole by myself."
>Looking back at his hole Anon frowns
>"I would have probably finished almost all of it today if it wasn't for all of the other stuff that I had to do but I'm sure I'll finish it tomorrow. Right now I got a shower and some leftover pizza calling my name."
>Nudging you with his foot, Anon pushes you out of his front yard
>"See you guys later."
>No!
>This wasn't how this was going to go down!
>NOT AGAIN!
"Wait a minute!" you cry. "Anon! We're not going to let you work on this by yourself!"
>It took a minute to figure out why he was STILL being difficult
>But then you remembered that this was how his species' stallion's acted
>You HAD to get a aggressive with him!
>Even though you weren't particularly comfortable doing so
>Anon cocks his head at you, the smallest of frowns coming to his face
>"Yes you are, Narkle," he says, crossing his arms. "If you were my friend then you'd understand that I want to do it alone."
>Oh that bullshit friend shaming wasn't going to work on THIS bucking mare!
"But friends help friends with whatever they need, Anon!" you retort. "I know you don't want us help--though I have no bucking idea why you wouldn't want anypony to help you with digging up a hole-- but you've got to stop being so stubborn and let us help you!"
>It almost felt like you were talking to a male right now Applejack for Celestia's sake
>And if stubbornness and/or thick-headedness was as common trait among humans as you think it was then Applejack would probably fit right in on "Darth"
>Or however Anon pronounced the name of his world
>But you HAD gotten Applejack to let you and the girls help her with her farm after Big Mac got hurt
>You were SURE that you'd wear Anon down!
>One way or another
>"I already told Applejack that I didn't want any of you fucking up my yard, Twilight," Anon said, his tone slightly raised, though you could tell that he was trying to keep himself calm. "You little horses are little walking hurricanes! I'd rather dig out this hole by myself than let you all come in here and touch everything with your grubby little hooves."
>Hey now...
>That sounded awfully racist...
>You DO NOT have grubby hooves
>And pretty much everypony you knew took hoof care very seriously
>You weren't a zeb--
>Hey!
>Now you're bucking doing it!
>Youaren'tracistdamnit!
>Anon gives both you and the crowd a look before turning around and walking toward his house
>"Now I don't want to hear about anymore about you helping! I appreciate it but it's not going to happen! For Christ's sake..."
>You watch Anon walk away from you all with slowly narrowing eyes
>It appeared that diplomacy had failed
>You didn't need to be a genius to figure out that Anon wasn't going to let you help with this willingly
>So now it looked like you were going to have to do it by force!
>Luckily you had explained to the little mob behind you that this might be something that you'd all have to do so they were ready
>You could already see a few of them pulling out the shovels that they had brought with them
>Sighing loudly, you magick a shovel to your person
>Sorry Anon
>You might be one hunk of a stallion but you had let your stubbornness get the better of you...
>Time for a mare to straighten you out...
"I'm sorry to hear that, Anon," you say.
>The towns ponies began walking toward Anon's fence, hopping or flying over it as the human turned to look at you all in confusion
"But we're not going to take no for answer!"
>You lift your shovel into the air and point it at him
>You hoped with all of your heart that nopony would be overly pushy with Anon when they made him go back into his house
>It'd kill you if you made him cry
>Or if he got hurt in ANY way
>But it really couldn't be helped
>Hopefully all of you could all laugh about this in the morning when it was all over
>I'mheretokickflankandchewbubblegum.pog
"GET HIM!"
 
BE ANON
>You know, it had been a pretty fucking weird day all things considered
>But if someone would have told you that you would have ended your day with a god damned 1v100 drawl you would have scoffed
>Unfortunately you weren't scoffing now
>Nor were you chuckling, cackling, laughing, giggling, or anything in between
>Right now you were dirty, exhausted, your clothes were torn, and you were pissed right the fuck off
>You had told those little horses that you wanted to dig your hole alone
>You had said these works more than once to multiple ponies
>You had thought this was something that their widdle horse minds could understand
>And that they would leave you alone so you could dig your hole
>But each time you told them to fuck off they just came back with more little horses and more reasons why they needed to help you
>You liked their spunk, you really, honestly did, but this was too god damned far
>So, like any pissed off individual that had intruders on his property you calmly and civilly told them to piss off
>By tossing them, throwing them, calling them names, breaking their shovels, and much much more
>Sure, you could have had at them with your shovel, but you REALLY didn't want to hurt the little guys
>You might have been a dick but you weren't a monster
>...At least you weren't THAT much of a monster...
>They had tried defending themselves from your "onslaught" but you would not be stopped
>You were a juggernaut on this ridiculous field of battle
>They had tried stopping you with blankets but you tore through them like they were paper
>They had tried to beat you down with pillows but you had batted them away like they were nothing
>One stallion even called you names for about ten minutes, something that horrified his fellow ponies (for some fucking reason) but it had flowed off your back like you were a duck in water
>Even though you had almost stopped the scuffle with how ADORABLE they ponies were being you had hardened your head
>They had fucked up your yard and you weren't going to let them get away with it
>You weren't going to let them get away with it
>One
>Fucking
>Bit
>No matter how adorable they were and how silly their methods of self defense
>"Anon! PLEASE!"
>Book horse did her best to try and wiggle out of your grasp as you carried her by the scruff of her neck away from the battlefield that had become your yard
>Shovels and clumps of grass were scattered across the place, and the big pile of dirt that used to be next to you hole was gone
>During some part of your little "battle" the horses, seeing that you were tearing through their ranks like they weren't shit (and they WEREN'T shit), had, in their panic, dumped the WHOLE FUCKING PILE back into your hole
>Making all of your hard work for the day mean jack shit
>You hadn't even felt sorry for Cloud Chaser when you had tossed the bitch into a tree
>And hell, you almost giggled when you sent Hooves running with a string of yo momma jokes
>...God damned, motherfucking, pissing, cocking, bullshitting ponies...
>But there was a silver-lining in all of this bullshit
>Really, there was!
>Now that you had (metaphorically) bashed in some heads hopefully you wouldn't be bothered again
>Ponies might not have been the brightest bunch but even THEY weren't this dumb
>You had just showed them how much you didn't want them helping you
>So now they'd leave you and your hole alone
>All you needed to do was toss the little "leader" of this shit show and your statement would be complete
>"Anon! If you'd just listen for me for one second so I can--"
"Look at all of the fucking damage you all fucking caused!"
>You poke her again
"Do you know how much work it's going to take to fix all of this?"
>Not that much really, what with there being magic and all, but you may as well make her feel bad about what she did
>Bust her balls as it were
"I'm probably going to have to spend the next two or three fucking days working on all of this!"
>You expected Twilight to look ashamed
>Or at the very least a little upset since you foiled her plan and all
>But she was just looking at you with look of utter determination
>"I'm going to help you with this, Anonymous," she said. "I'm going to help you with this, and the girls are going to help you with this, because we care."
>You find yourself frowning as she lurches forward and wraps her hooves around your shoulders in what you assumed was a hug
>Wat?
>What was she--
>You watch as Book hoers teleports away from you in a pop, appearing a in the street a second later
>The two of you have this weird... stare down for a few seconds before she raced away
>"Don't you worry Anon!" she yells. "You might have beaten me this time but I'll find a way to beat you and dig that hole out! It's be our friendship hole, Anon! OUR FRIENDSHIP HOLE!!!"
>You just stand there watching as she sprinted around the corner, your mind trying to piece together what the hell she was yammering on about
>...
>...
>...
>You know what?
>Fuck it
>You were too tired to deal with this shit!
"Fucking ponies," you mumble to yourself. "I swear to fucking god..."
>Right now your fucked up lawn and your fucked up neighbors and your fucked up life could wait
>You wanted to get something to eat
>You wanted to take a fucking bath
>And you wanted to just RELAX for five minutes
>Sit down for a bit, maybe have a deer or ten
>If anyone deserved to take a break right now it was YOU
>But then, after your leisure time, you needed to get back out here and man the fort
>From the look on Twilight's face, and all of the bullshit that she had just put you through, it looked like this nonsense was far from done
>She, for some unfathomable reason, wanted to help you dig this hole
>And you, being the unreasonable cunt you were, weren't going to let her
>Because she just wouldn't leave you alone
>Because she had gotten like half of the town to jump you and ruin your front yard
>Because freedom and America and fireworks and shit!
>Because some men aren't looking for anything logical like money
>They can't be bought, bullied, reasoned, or negotiated with
>Some crazy, fucked up men just want to watch the world burn
>YOU were that crazy motherfucker
>And TWILIGHT
>WAS
>NOT
>GOING
>TO
>FUCKING
>TOUCH
>YOUR
>MOTHERFUCKING
>HOLE
>JESUS
>CHRIST!
 
 
BE TWILIGHT SPARKLE
>You had been unprepared
>Vastly unprepared
>You didn't expect Anon, a stallion, to put up that much of a fight!
>Not one bucking bit!
>Human females must have been bucking shit brick houses to deal with that shit!
>Trying your hardest to ignore the burning in your legs you race toward your house, magicking open the door and running through into your home without stopping
>So from what you had gathered human males were more aggressive, stronger, and a lot tougher than stallion males
>But the problem was you didn't know HOW tough or strong he WAS
>And you couldn't test the waters by using your magic on him because you, along with most mares you knew, didn't have the stomach to try to physically overpower a male
>You mother had taught you better than that
>So that left you with only one choice
>You needed somepony with the experience and knowledge to handle any type of stallion
>Somepony who's presence demanded respect and awe
>And if words wouldn't sway Anonymous then they would have courage and the grit to lay down the law and force him to step down!
>Scrambling upstairs you race toward your desk, putting out a quill and a piece of paper
"Dear Princess Celestia...
 
>BE ANON
>You weren't gonna lie
>It had been a pretty rough night
>After your shower and regulary scheduled masterbation secession you had walked by one of your windows to find a group of ponies trying to dig up your hole in the middle of the night
>They had latern helmets and they were singing songs, and it was adorable, but still...
>Though all it had taken was some yelling and threats on your part to get them to go away you had been paranoid that they were going to come back the second that you went to sleep
>So you had done the only thing that made sense at the time and slept outside in your hole with a broom on your right and your shovel on your left
>Which, oddly enough, wasn't as bad as you thought it was going to be
>It wasn't cold out, so all you needed was a thin blanket that you had wrapped around yourself
>Since the ground was all dug up that made it a pretty comfortable to lay on
>...Maybe better than your bed now that you think about it...
>Fuck did you need to get a better bed...
>But the whole sleeping outside thing wasn't what made it hard to sleep last night
>What made it hard to sleep was the fact that you had been correct in assuming that the little horselets would try to come back later in the night
>At about twelve in the morning you had awoken to about five or six of the little buggers trying to drag you out of your fucking hole by your t-shirt
>Which you hadn't been happy about one fucking bit
>So instead of the sleep that you had been wanting to get you had spent most of the night playing sentry, just waiting with your broom to give someone hell
>And that meant, as the sun peeked its fiery head over the horizon, you weren't in the best of moods
>You were tired
>You were achy from digging and fighting yesterday, and sitting in a hole for about eight hours wasn't helping one bit
>And you were starting to get hungry and you kinda had to go to the bathroom
>But FUCK all of that!
>You weren't going to leave this hole!
>You were going to wait until the sun came up and then you were going to dig this motherfucker!
>Fucking ponies
>Telling you that you couldn't dig your hole by yourself!
>And why the hell not?
>This was YOUR property!
>You should be able to do whatever the hell you wanted
>This house of your's was your castle
>Your kingdom
>Your motherfucking empire
>And you were it's ruler
>The one that looked after and maintained everything!
>Not Twibnight, not appul hoser, not anyone else
>So you were GOING to dig this hole
>'Cause it was your hole
>And no one else's
>YOUR'S
>Yawning hugely you hold your blanket tight against your shoulders before rubbing your eye
>But that didn't mean you were too happy about it
>...FUCK this no sleeping bul--
>"Nonny! NONNY!!! Whoo! Over here!"
>Turning your head you see Ponk skipping down the street toward you, a paper bag in her mouth and a spring in her step
>Still yawning you reach over and grab your broom
"Morning Pinkie," you say tiredly, hefting your weapon as she made her way toward you
>She giggled
>"I saw that somepony was being a grumpy gills and decided to sleep outside!"
>She drops the paper bag at your feet
>"But not like camping outside because you didn't have a sleeping bag or a campfire or a tent! Did you need a tent Nonny because--"
>Why the hell does she have to sound so chipper right now when it must be five in the fucking morning?
>No one's supposed to be happy at five in the morning!
>...Fucking morning people...
>Quickly tuning out the chatting pony you reached down--making sure to keep an eye on Pank so she didn't try anything funny-- and grabbed the paper bag
>Frowning slightly, you give it a little shake
"Oi, Pinkie," you say, interrupting... whatever Pinkie was saying. "What's in the bag?
>Still smiling Pinkie reaches behind her back and pulls out a steaming foam cup of coffee
>...At least you think it was coffee...
>It SAID coffee on the side so...
>"I thought that you'd like some breakfast, Nonny Puss! You'll need the energy to "dig your hole of freedom!"
>You bat at Pint's legs with the bag as she stomps around your hole, deepening her voice and making faces at you as she said it.
"Hey, I did NOT say that," you mutter, taking a careful sip of your coffee
>Hmm
>Hot and black and bitter
>Just like you liked your ex-girlfriends
>Pinkie giggled again as you put down your coffee to see what goodies awaited you in your paper bag of mystery
>"I know silly! I just thought it'd be silly enough to get you to smile!"
>You stop messing with the bag to look up at her with bloodshot eyes
"What time is it Pinkie?"
>Pinkie looks up at the sky, squints, and looks back at you
>"It's about four-thirty Nonny Bagonny."
>Four-thirty?
>Jesus Christ
>Did the sun really raise this early?
>What the fuck was wrong with Sun hoers?
"There's no way you're going to get me to smile, laugh, grin, chuckle, or giggle at four-thirty in the morning, Pinkie."
>"Aw, come on, Nanny Panny Fo-Fanny!"
>Pinkie jumps into the hole with you as you finally manage to open up the paper bag
>Huh
>There's a LOT of donuts in here
>And they're Caramel Apple
>Your favorite
>With a grunt you sit down, Pinkie hopping into your lap the second your ass touches the dirt
>"Come on! Give your aunt Pinkie a smile!"
>She squishes your cheeks together as you reach up for your coffee
>"Come on! Who's a silly filly? Who's a big ol' filly--thmp!"
>Pank lets out a pleased hum as you stuff a donut onto her mouth
"Shush," you demand, pulling out another donut from the bag. "Let me get some fucking coffee in me and something to eat before you start yammering again... For fuck's sake..."
>Her ears twitching, Pint nodded with a smile, wiggling in your lap as she reached into your bag and helped herself to another one of your donuts
>Which was just as well since you kind of wanted to make sure she didn't put anything into them
>...Though, knowing Pinkie she'd--
>Ugh
>Too much thinky
>Needed wakey upy foody
>There's a comfortable silence as you and Pinkie just sit there and eat, Pinkie trying to chat with you and you stuffing more food into her face whenever she opened her mouth while you tried to find a way to wake yourself up
>And, after seven to ten cups of coffee, all provided by Pinkie pulling them out of her asshole, and a couple of donuts, you could say that you almost felt halfway awake
"Alright," you say, giving Ponk Pea a pat on the back as you finished up your last cup of life-giving nectar. "Get up off me Pinkie."
>Pinkie, still licking the crumbs off of her lips, hopped off of your lap, allowing you to rise to your feet
>"Do you feel better, Nonnynator?" she asked
>You pat her head with the barest of smiles
"Yeah, I feel like a million bucks, Pinkie. Thanks for the grub."
>Pinkie giggles, hopping out of the hole
>"Alright, this party pony's got some baking to do!" she says with a happy bounce
>You nod, tossing your blanket off of you and grabbing the trusty shovel that had been keeping you comfortable during this long, hard night
"And I gotta get to work since the sun's all out and such."
>Pinkie was about to turn away but then she just stopped
>"Nonny?"
>You yawn again
"Yeah?"
>"How come you don't want anypony helping you?"
>Looking up you see Polio looking down at you with a big, sad look that would melt the heart of even the most dastardly, evil creatures
>...
>...
>...
>We can't take the hnnnngg Cap'n!
"Come on, Pinkie! Don't give me that fucking look!" you demand, shielding your face so as to protect your poor, poor heart
>She doesn't stop, and you swear you can feel the cute seeping through your forearm
"For fuck's sake stop looking at me like that god dammit! You're killing me here!"
>"..."
"I just want to dig it up by myself alright?"
>"..."
>You pick up your shovel and do your best to shield yourself with it
>It didn't work but you tried
"Don't you ever have the desire to do something yourself without anyone helping you?"
>"..."
"I want to dig out this big ass hole by myself and look at all of the dirt and feel proud and shit!"
>You find yourself backing away from Pinkie
>It was like you were looking right at the eye of fucking Sauron
>Except it was a hell of a lot cuter
>...And Pinkie wasn't on fire
"And look at what happened when some of your ponies tried to help me the other day!"
>You wave a hand around the war zone that had become your front yard
"I don't even see what's the big deal about me doing it by myself anyway! It's just digging a fucking hole and--umph!"
>You stagger backwards as Pinkie leaps toward you and wraps you up in a patented Party Pone hug
>"Alright, Nonnykins," she says, nuzzling the side of your face. "I believe you, silly filly."
>Regaining your balance you return the hug--though you're not really too happy about it-- giving the mare a squeeze before the two of you break it
>"Bye, bye Nonny!" Pinkie says with a wave. "I hope you manage to dig your freedom hole!"
"Wait, it's not a freedom..."
>You sigh, facepalming
"Fuck it... See you Pinkie..."
>It's gonna be another long fucking day
>You just knew it
 
BE PRINCESS LUNA
>'Tis another lovely, lovely day in your kingdom
>Or at least it would be if not for some disconcerting news that your sister made you aware of
>Apparently sister had received news--from young Twilight Sparkle no less-- that that odd stallion that your sister had allowed sanctuary was being... difficult
>So difficult that Twilight had requested your sister's help in the matter
>Something that, for the life of you, you couldn't fathom
>Why would she need help with a difficult colt?
>All one needed to do was show them to the nearest kitchen and they would know what to do from here
>Stallions were, by nature, very simple creatures after all
>...Though to be fair, a mare, in many ways, was just as simple...
>And you yourself would LOVE to know how to make a sandwich...
>But enough about your views about the lesser sex!
>You and your sister had a matter of importance to settle!
>And from the way that your sister had insisted on cancelling her schedules to go to Ponyville to see the mattered settled you had figured that it the matter at hoof must have been far more serious than you expected
>...Or your dear sister was simply so bored that she had been looking for any excuse to ditch work and go goof around
>Your expect it to be the latter since she was sitting in the royal chariot next to you looking positively giddy with excitement
>Though you are no better, since you had also decided to postpone your (admittedly minor but horribly boring) duties of the day to, as they say, "play hookie and swing loose man"
>...Or however the fillies and colts say it these days
"Art thou well, sister mine?" you ask, poking her with a wing. "Thou art moving to and fro as though thou hast a swarm of ants in thy pantaloons."
>Your sister just smiles, leaning over to nuzzle you
>"Oh, it's nothing, Luna," she tells you, looking out into the horizon. "I was just thinking on Twilight's letter."
>You nod
"Aye, it is an... interesting read."
>You can't help but chuckle in amusement as what she told you about it came to mind
"Though we fear that it is more fiction than fact."
>Your sister giggles quietly
>"Oh, I'm sure that Twilight just got a little excited over what must be a silly little understanding," she says with a wave of the wing
>You can't help but shake your head in disbelief
"Couldst thou imagine a magicless stallion fighting off a hoard of mares with none but his bare hooves?"
>"Hands," your sister quickly corrected
>You roll your eyes and wave a hoof dismissively
"It makes no difference WHAT appendages he has, the two of us still have to make the journey down to Ponyville to quell this situation. A situation that your student should--"
>Your sister bit her lip
>"Luna?"
"Yes sister?"
>"I know that you might think that this is silly and all but I'd appreciate it if you'd take the situation seriously. From what Twilight said Anonymous is already agitated with what happened, and there's no need to make things any worse.
>You find yourself frowning
>Your sister didn't think you were going to be serious?!
>You were the definition of seriousness!
>You OOZED it!
>The contents of your chamberpot had more seriousness in it than a room full of diplomats during a world meeting!!!
"We promise that We will give this all of the seriousness that it deserves, sister mine," you tell Celestia
>"And remember what I taught you about today's stallions and how... gentle they can be...."
>You snorted
"I, Princess Luna, Lady of the Night, Mistress of Dreams, swear upon my crown and my honor to look upon the young colt Anonymous' plight with understanding and gentleness. We will also hold his hoof and call him pretty, and--"
>You can't help but grin as your sister slugs you in the shoulder
>"You know what I mean, Luna!"
>Resisting the urge to rub your shoulder you slug your sister right back
"What We DO know is that thou art taking this matter far too seriously, sister. The two of us will go down, solve the issue, and have enough time to frolic with the peasantry."
>Or at least you'd do your best to make sure that was what happened
>Hopefully Anonymous wasn't a screamer, or heaven forbid, a cryer
>You HATED when a stallion was a bucking cryer
>Bucking mare up and take life's lumps like you had a pair of ovaries!
>"Your Majesties," one of your drivers says over the wind. "We will be landing in Ponyville in a few moments."
>You grin, giving your sister a look
"Art thou ready to lay down the law, sister mine?"
>Celestia rolls her eyes and shoves you when you wiggle your eyebrows at her
>"I don't know why I take you anywhere..."
 
BE ANON AGAIN
>Diggy hole, diggy hole
>You were a motherfucker that was digging a hole!
>Not wanting a repeat of yesterday you had decided to take breaks in between your digging to move the soil that you had shoveled up into the back
>All the while keeping an eye out for little horses carrying shovels
>You knew that they were out there
>Waiting for you to be just a LITTLE lax in your vigilance
>Then they'd descend upon you like an adorable tornado of destruction
>You were so paranoid that they were going to jump you again your process was nothing like it had been yesterday
>You just could keep your eyes down for more than a minute without looking around
>For fuck's sake, you had been digging since the fucking break of dawn but had only managed to dig a foot and a half or so!
>...
>...
>...
>But that was fine
>Slow and steady won the race!
>As long as your fucking neighbors left you well enough alone everything would be fine
>You'd dig your hole, you'd put your new tank in, and everyone would live happily ever after
>And if you just--
>"Anon! ANON!"
>...God damnit
>Poking your head up from out of your hole you see book horse leading her little troop of "do-gooders" toward you
>But unlike last time it appeared that they had two extra special guest
>Motherfucking Princess Celestia and Princess Luna
>That...
>That fucking tattletale!
>She told on you didn't she>1
"Did you go and fucking tell on me, Purple?" you demand as they stop just short of your fence
>While Twilot at least had the common decency to look a bit ashamed Celestia looks like she's about to start laughing
>"I wouldn't say that, Anonymous," she says, both her and her sister entering the "danger zone"
>You don't break eye contact as you reach over and grab your broom
>This seems to amuse Sunny bun's further, and even Woona looked like she wanted to crack a smile
>"Oh come now, my little human, there's no need for that. My sister and I have just come here to speak to you."
>Luna nods
>"Aye, we hath come to settle the dispute between thee and the townsfolk."
>Hah!
>You'll be the fucking judge of THAT!
"Oh really?"
>Though they're doing their best to look disarming you heft your broom, making it a point to give it a few practice swings
"There's nothing so you to talking about or oversee or any of that shit," you say as they stop a few feet from you
>Just a bit out of your broom's range you couldn't help but notice
"I told Twinight over there that I didn't want anyone helping me and look at what the hell she did!"
>You gesture to your poor, poor yard
"I wasn't asking her or any of those little horses over there to move a fucking mountain, I just asked them to leave me alone so I could spend the day just getting some yard work done. Is that really too much to ask?"
>Celestia just looked down at you with her motherly smile, taking a step forward and opening her mouth to say something, but then her sister cut her off
>"Anonymous, We would like to know why art thy britches in a bunch?"
>A small frown comes to her face as she brushes past her sister and keeps walking forward until she's at the edge of your hole
>"My sister hath given thee a home to lounge in and put in a good work to thy boss so that she would hire thee--"
>You have to resist the sudden urge to start swinging your broom
>Celestia didn't GIVE you this house
>...Well, she DID, at first
>But after you had gotten back on your feet you had worked tooth and nail to pay her back
>She had tried to protest, the generous little horse that she was, but you wouldn't be denied
>You HATED free handouts
>Especially when you were the one getting them
>"'--Thou also live in a place with a plethora of young and spry mares-- mares who, We are sure, would be happy to settle in with thee and protect thee from the world-- but thou continue to live in isolation like a leper!"
>She snorted, looking you up and down
>"Thou art only getting older by the day, Anonymous. It would be wise for thee to find thyself some good wives before mother time sets her gaze upon thee."
>You watch as the Princess of the Night unfurls a wing and uses it to poke your nose
>"But thou willst never find thyself a mare if thou continue playing the shrew. Now come, crawl out of that hole and let us do what is obviously mare's work while thee speak with our sister."
>She nudges her head toward your house
>"Thou can reward our chivalry by making us something to eat after thou settle thy grievance with her !"
>...
>...
>...
>You very slowly put down your broom
>With narrowed eyes you pick up your shovel
>For a moment, a LONG moment, you consider the chances of getting away with regicide
>And then you put your shovel down after a few more seconds of thinking it over
>No
>You might not have been the smartest tool in the shed, and since Woona was talking in her Ye Oldie you could barely understand what the hell what she was saying, but you understood the gist of it well enough
>This little zigga didn't want to help you get these little horselets away from your house
>She, for whatever fucking reason, had joined them
>And now she wanted to fuck with your hole, your property, and yer liberties
>And not only that she had called you a freeloader and demanded that you go into your fucking house, walk into your motherfucking kitchen, pull out some bread and assorted foodstuffs, and make her a motherfucking sandwich
>The
>Bitch
>Wanted
>You
>To
>Make
>Her
>A
>Motherfucking
>Sandwich
>Oh, you done fucked up now little horse
>You done fucked up real good...
 
BE TWILIGHT
>...Holy hay
>That must have been the most sexist things you've heard since your Granny Sparkle was in town...
>Didn't your teacher said that she was doing all that she could to help Luna get used to the modern life?
>Shit, she could have fooled you!
>...
>...
>...
>...She must have not covered the fact that stallions had rights and all of that stuff yet...
>Oh...
>Yep
>The Princess looks horribly embarrassed...
>"LUNA!"
>And she sounds angry and--
>Oh holy shit....
>Anon looks a heck of a lot angrier than Princess Celestia sounds...
>A LOT angrier...
>And he's getting out of his hole...
>He looks at all of you, his face suddenly becoming emotionless
>"Will you all excuse me for a moment? I have to go and get something."
>Before anyone can think of replying he walks off, leaving you all just standing there looking at Princess Luna, who was very slowly realizing that she MIGHT have said something a bit... inappropriate
>[Angry Human noises off in the distance]
>She looked back at her upset sister, then at the crowd of disquieted--not the stallions though, most of them looked pretty bucking mad--, then at you
>"Oh... did we say something wrong?" she asked, blinking slowly
>You try to hold it back but a groan escapes your mouth
>Thereistrulynopeacefromthisevil.jgp
 
BE PRINCESS CELLERY
>Wha--
>What the heck was that?!
>Did you sister REALLY just do that?!
>You TOLD her to be gentle with Anonymous!
"Luna! What did I say to you in the chariot!" you growled, taking a step toward her
>Your sister just looks around in confusion
>"We were simply saying the truth, sister mine," she tells you as you stand there fuming. "We do not understand where thy anger is coming from nor why it is directed at us."
>Your eye twitches
>Really?
>REALLY?!
"You told him to go and make you a sandwich Luna? What did I tell you about telling stallions that?!"
>You through you were getting through to her with your lessons about today's males
>About the struggles they had gone through through the years, earning the right to vote, own property, hold positions in government, among other things
>A stallion was no longer just something that a group of mares could own!
>Sweet gods above
>YOU were the one that had fought for male's rights when nopony else would!
>They were creatures with this own thoughts and and feelings and all of that jazz!
>Luna cocked her head, obviously still puzzled as to why you were upset
>"...But what crime is that, dear sister? We art hungry and we would enjoy a hay sandwich with tomato if it was brought it to us. Is it truly wrong for asking to sup with one that you had gone out of your way to help? Hath you and I not had many a feast for a hero that helped save our kingdom?"
>You stomped your hoof so hard that the earth shook
"It is NOT the same thing!"
>"We do not understand why thou art yelling at us," Luna said, now starting to look slightly upset herself. "All that we said was true. Thou gave Anonymous this home, and we hath heard from thy own mouth that thou had set him up with a job."
>She stomped a hoof herself
>"And we are not WRONG about his need to find a mate. The longer he stays without a herd the more likely it is that a group of mares will force themselves upon him."
>Luna turned away from you to look out at the crowd that your dear student had brought with you
>"That is not a fate we would have brought on any stallion and We would spare him of it if We could."
>You open your mouth to continue yelling when you stop
>That--
>Th--
>...
>...
>...
>...Huh
>You take a moment to think over what your sister had told Anon
>It might have been a little... rude and more than a little blunt
>And Anon had every right to be mad that she had said it like that...
>BUT...
>You HAD given Anon that house, even though the silly man had insisted that he pay you back the house's worth...
>And you HAD gone out of your way to make sure that the big colt had gotten a job where he would be able to provide for himself...
>...And even YOU had been slightly concerned about Anon getting taken advantage of by mares that didn't have his interest at heart when you had found out that he STILL hadn't found somepony...
>And heaven forbid if somepony tired to force him to rut...
>...
>...
>...
>Your sister, in her own really, really, REALLY blunt and harsh way, had voiced her concern for young Anonymous...
>...
>...
>...
>Huh
>You really don't know what to feel now...
"...Luna, I... THINK that you mean well--"
>"Of course we mean well, Sister! We wouldn't--
"--BUT the way that you said what you said might have been a little too blunt for Anonymous."
>You hadn't seen hide nor hair of the poor thing since he stormed off
>The dear must have been crying his eyes out somewhere...
>For the briefest of moments your sister looks just a bit unsure of herself
>You can't help but take a step forward and wrap a comforting wing around your little sister
>...You know, this was just as much your fault as it was Luna's
>You knew that your lil' sis was still adjusting
>Of course she'd say something every once and a while that wouldn't be "politically correct"
>You should have known that she might say something like that...
>Then you could have simply explained to everypony that you sister was still learning and that-- even though it didn't look like it-- she cared just as much as you
>If you had done that then Anon wouldn't have stormed off you wouldn't have to look forward to a bunch of angry letters when you got home
>...
>...
>...
>You done bucked up Celestia...
>Luna leaned against your side
>"...We said something wrong didn't we sister?"
>You nuzzled the top of her head
"It's nothing that we can't fix, Luna," you tell her
>Luna nodded
>"Aye, if we said something that truly offended him as a person then we are more than happy to make amends. We art a lady after all, and a princess to boot. It would be shameful if we did not."
>She snorted half-heartedly
>"Though we are still going to dig the stallion's hole whether he wants us to or not. He may be a stallion but we art the night and--
>If you would have been paying attention you would have noticed that Anonymous had finally returned from wherever he had wandered off
>If you would have just looked over your shoulder, or if your sister would have, or if the hundred ponies would have said something (bucking ninnies) you would have seen that he was carrying a hose
>You would have also been able to watch as he attached the end of the hose, muttering angrily to himself, to a spigot, put a nozzle on the other end, and turned the water on
>But you didn't see any of that, which was why Anonymous was able to get right behind the two of you, aim his hose, and fire the cold, cold water
>Hitting your sister right in the back
>"AURTHRGRNGRTOBNRO!"
>The second that the water hit your sister she launched herself out of your wing hug, her wings flaring, and rolled across the grass
>"WHO HATH DARED thmpmepempe!--"
>Still confused as to what the BUCK happening you rolled away yourself, spinning around to see a narrow-eyed human glaring at your sister while he sprayed water right into her face
"ANON?!?!!"
 
>BE ANON
>You watch with no small amount of satisfaction as Moon bottom bucks and rolls and hops around your house, trying her very hardest to get away from your hose of death
>Her body twitched and tensed each time you nailed her with what HAD to be fucking freezing cold water
>"Anon! Thou will cease thy actions at onc--"
>Yawning you flick the end of your hose, causing a jet of water to hit the Angwy Princess of the Night right in the middle of her back
>She lets out a surprised whinney, doing a barrel roll onto the air before crashing in a heap next to your fence
>"ANON!"
>Still making sure that your cold water of doom was hitting some part of Luna (and silently awing as she tried to bat it away with her hoofsies) you turn to see Celestia glaring at you
>She mad
>Not that you have a fuck to give tho
>In fact you give negative fucks
>You're the oxygen of fuckronegativity
>'Cause you be takin' fucks
"Don't you worry," you tell her. "You'll get yours in a minute."
>Luna rolled away from the water, desperately trying to get to her sister
>"Tia, Tia! WE art in need of assistance! The water is too cold! THE WATER IS TOO COLD! We will get a cold if--"
>Another flick of your wrist sent a turret of water into the princess' face, which forced her to shield her money maker with her hooves
>"SISTER--THLMPMTHMTPLMTPL! HALP! HAL--FULUREREULRTRL! WE ART BEING OVERWHELMED! THOEUREORNEROI! WE BEG OF THEE TO COME TO OUR AID!"
>Luna rolled around on the ground, coating herself in newly made mud, trying to get the water off of her body but your hose, and the water coming out of it, followed her
"Bad horse," you murmur. "BAD. Saying grown folks didn't work for their shit..."
>"WE SWEAR TO THE GODS OF VENGEANCE THAT WE PUT THEE OVER OUR KNEE AND TEACH THEE TO TREAT THY--THOEKRNEON! SISTER HALP! IT'S GETTING INTO OUR MOUTH! IT'S. GETTING. INTO. OUR. MOUTH!!! WE ART BEING KILLED BY WATER!!! HALP!!!!"
>...Sweet Jesus was this adorable
>It was like hosing down a big dog and watching--
>"ANONYMOUS!"
>You can't help but drop your hose as what sounded like a fucking gun shot went off right next to your ear
>A magical golden glow encases your hose, shutting it off and moving it away from you
>And before you can try to process that an invisible force spins you around to face down an angry-looking Celestia
>...
>...
>...
>Fuckthepolice
>You try to dive for your water-tossing weapon but sun hoers is already upon you, her chest puffed out and her wings spread out wide
>You can't help but back peddle as she stomps toward you
>Fuckingshit!
>You might have gone just a bit too far with this one...
 
BE CELESTIA
>Anon just hosed your sister!
>HOSED HER!
>You hadn't seen savagery like that in...
>...In decades!
>You had expected Anon to be a little upset but you didn't think he was going to outright attack her!
>Poor Luna was probably going to need counseling...
>And a towel
>Warneverchanges.horror
"ANON!" you roar
>The human, surprised, drops his terrible weapon, which allowed you to turn it off and throw it away from him
>Anon spins around, looks, at you, then at his hose, before trying to dive for it
>Unfortunately for him you're too quick
"STOP!" you roar, hoping in front of him and spreading your wings
>Anonymous, letting out a panicked squeak, backpedals away from you, but you don't give him an INCH of breathing room
>Stallion or not you could not let such an attack on your sister go unanswered
>You had to put a stop to this AT ONCE!
>You stomp toward the retreating human with all of the anger of a goddess as he retreats with a panicked look on his face
"Sister, are you alright?"
>You see Luna, gasping and shaking, rise to her hooves
>"We... We shall live... Sister."
>Anonymous tries to skirt around you but a growl stops him in his tracks
>He tries to do it again and once again you barely manage to force him back
>The fear is slowly leaving him when he notices that you aren't attacking
>He continues to try to get around you as you desperately try to think of a way to stop this
>You could keep him back with your magic if you had to but the second that it would take to cast the spell might give Anonymous enough time to reach his dreaded weapon
>Then you'd all be doomed...
>Wet AND doomed...
 
BE ANON
>You can't help but just stand there for a moment and watch as Sunhoers stomps toward you
>Her chest was so puffed out that you expected her to fall flat on her face at any moment, her nose was scrunched up adorably, her wings were extended and the ends of them were flapping, and this weird horse-y/ pigeon cooing sound was coming from her mouth
>...But that was it
>She wasn't blowing you up with her horse god magic
>She wasn't trying to fuck you up with that pig sticker on her forehead
>Hell, she wasn't even trying to hit or tackle you
>She was just stomping around being adorable and making her silly sounds
>...
>...
>...
>You honestly don't know if she's just making fun of you or what but you think its about time Princess Cellery and Moonbottom kindly fucked off your property
>Like right meow
>You try to walk about her but she takes a few quick steps forward, flaps her wings, and honks at you
>She honks...
>Like a goose...
>You find yourself taking a few steps backwards in shock
>You didn't know why but you're... intimidated
>And you're confused as to WHY you're intimidated
>...Fucking ponies must be rubbing off on you if you think that big white horse stomping around like a ninny was scary...
>"Yeah!" one of the little horses shouts from the crowd that was--for some reason-- still watching this shit show. "Go get'em Princess! Show that colt who's boss!"
>"YEAH!" a whole bunch of mares yelled
>Well fuck you too little horses...
>"No!" someone that sounded like a stallion screamed right back. "You stand your ground, Anon! Don't let a sexist mare try to oppress you!"
>"YEAH!" a whole bunch of stallions cried
>Ohshit!
>Whatrudoinpone?
>Staph!
"Shit the fuck up!" you yell
>There was no way in HELL you were going to be the cause of a fucking gender war
>...Not again...
>You turn around and start making your way toward the crowd, rolling up your sleeves with a furrowed brow
"And all of you little fucks get away from my house! I just want to dig my fucking hole and--"
>"Anonymous!"
>Turning around you see Celestia looking at you with worry on her widdle horse face
>"You know that I don't look at you different than anypony else, no matter if you're a mare or a stallion, right?"
>You nod, walking back over to the silly white pone and patting her on the head
"Yeah, don't you even worry about it, Princess. Don't go and listen to any of these little horses trying to start shit."
>The princess smiles, nuzzling your hand
>"Oh thank goodness, I was sure tha-- HAH!"
>With what suspiciously sounded like a battle cry, Celestia launches herself at you
>You stumble backward as her hooves wrap themselves around your shoulders
"Celestia, what the hell--"
>"Shush, shush," the princess pone whispered, wrapping her wings around you and pulling herself close against you. "Just relax, just relax. Go to sleep, go to sleep..."
>You heard Twilight gasp
>"I-Is that a-a combat snuggle?" she asked, sounding horrified. "P-Princess, Anon doesn't d-deserve t-tha--"
>You feel Celestia nuzzle the side of your head
>"It's alright, Anon," she whispered, her wings tightening around you. "You're safe here. Nopony's going to hurt you or make you angry. In fact you're not angry one little bit; you're calm, happy, and sleepy... SLEEPY..."
>You just kind of stand there wondering what was going on
>Combat snuggle?
>What the hell was that?
>And why did all of the little horses look like they've just shit themselves?
>She was just hugging you....
>Hugging and whispering nonsense in your ear
>But that was IT...
>...
>...
>...
>Fucking ponies...
 
BE CELESTIA
>Your plan worked!
>You had managed to close in on Anon when he was distracted!
>Though you hadn't imagined in your wildest dreams that you'd have to combat snuggle anypony, let alone a stallion, when you came down here there was no helping it
>No matter how much doing this hurt you to your very core you couldn't let Anonymous get near that hose of his
>You didn't want anypony else to get hosed by the angry human
>And you were more than willing to taint yourself by committing this vile act to achieve this goal
>May the gods above save your soul...
>You feel Anon relax under your assault
>Soon he'd be incapacitated and you'd be able to talk some sense into the silly stallion
>And if not you'd just have to cuddle him until he couldn't be cuddled anymore
>No matter how much it sickened you to cuddle a stallion without his permission
"There, there," you coo, nuzzling him. "You're getting sleepy, Anon. You want to relax and take a nap."
>You knew that Anon would collapse at any moment
>You could feel it in your BONES
>In your younger years you had spent decades mastering the art of cuddle based combat
>And though it had been many a year since you had been forced to use it you knew even now that nopony came close to your expertise
>None could withstand your cuddliness or your softness
>Just a few more--
>"...What the hell do you think you're doing?"
>You stiffen slightly and look down
>...
>...
>...
>Why didn't Anon look like he was going to fall asleep?
>Why weren't his eyelids drooping?!
>Your form in that cuddle leap had been PERFECT!
>PERFECT!
>You wiggle around, fluffing your wings and chest tuft out the best you can in your position
"Shush, it's alright, Anon."
>You continue to rub your cheek against his as soothingly as you can...
>But he doesn't even yawn!
>What the holy horse apples was going on?!
>Anon looked up at you in irritation for a moment before looking past you and at the hose that was lying a few feet away
>You follow his gaze before the two of you just look at each other for a long, awkward moment
"..."
>"..."
"...Anon?"
>"Yes Princess?"
"You wouldn't happen to feel sleepy or lightheaded do you? Maybe you're about to pass out? Anything like that?"
>Anon shakes his head
>"Nope."
>Anon tried to push you off of him but you wrap both your fore legs and your back legs around him
"Not even a little bit?"
>"Get off of me Celestia."
>Your eyes widen in alarm
"Oh, I'm not too heavy for you am I dear?" you asked, concerned even while Anon was trying to pull you off of him
>But you weren't going to let go if you could help it
>There was too much at stake!
>...And you REALLY didn't want to get wet
>Anonymous ignores your question, and begins to make his way over to his hose of doom
>Ohshitwhatrudoin'?!
"Anonymous please, we can talk about this!"
>You try to throw your weight around to hopefully knock him off of his feet so you can try some ground glomping but the man may was well have been rooted to the ground
"Anon please, be reasonable. There's no need to use that hose."
>Anonpls
>You try to cover Anon's face with your hooves and your wings but he just continues to walk forward
>With an angry growl you grab the human's face
>Anonstop
"Anonymous! You will stop right this instance and you wil-- Anon don't you touch that hose! DON'T YOU TOUCH THAT HOSE!"
>NoAnonplsstahp!
>You try to keep Anon's arms by his side but the human managed to wiggle his arms free just in front of your boom
>Why wasn't anypony trying to help you?!
>What the hay was Twilight doing?
>What about your sister?!
>Didn't they see you were in a bit of trouble here?!
>Anon squats down and paws at the hose as you try your very hardest to push it away from him
"Anonymous," you say as calmly as you can manage . "Please, let's be reasonable about this."
>The damnable human continues to ignore you, his eyes narrowing as he comes closer and closer to getting those hands of his on that hose
>AnonNO!
"I can give you anything you want if you just stop being so silly. Do you want bits? A title? Clothing? Jewelry?"
>Your wings bat at his arms, you squeeze his cheeks and look at him as sternly as you can but he still manages to grab that hose of his
>Flyyoufools.pgn
>You try to roll away from Anon but one of the human's arms snakes upward and grabs you by the back of your peytral, lifting you bodily into the air
>You squirm and wiggle with all of your might
"ANON! You put me down right now!"
>...You had no idea that Anon was with STRONG
>Sweet gods above you couldn't remember the last time anyone was able to hold you like this!
>..Don't you get bucking aroused!
>Now's not a good time for that!
>Not looking away from you, Anon very slowly and deliberately brings up the hose and puts the cold metal faucet against your chest
>You gasp at the sensation, freezing and staring down at the stone-faced human with wide eyes
>You can feel the human's hot breath wash against you neck
>You could see his unblinking, merciless eyes
>For a brief, brief second you couldn't help but feel...
>Small...
"...A-Anon pls..."
>Anon brings you close and leans toward your ear, whispering,
>"Fuck. The. Pol-ice."
