Title:           Butt off (intermission)
Author:          LaPsbin
Pastebin link:   http://pastebin.com/triHyNNT
First Edit:      Friday 22nd of April 2016 03:01:58 PM CDT
Last Edit:       Friday 22nd of April 2016 03:01:58 PM CDT

>After Anon and Lyra's little... schuffle, which ended with the poince being called and Lyra being dragged away in chains, you and the fellas got everything cleaned up as best as you could
>The finalists were moved and the ground was cleared; you even had the crowd move back a little more so you could give the final contestants a little more room
>You could see all four of them standing at the back of the crowd, patiently waiting for you to call for them
>There were gentle, amused smiles on each of their faces, looks that you were sure they had been wearing since this began
>Even from all the way over from where you were standing you could feel their... aura, their presence
>It kind and gentle but nonetheless commanding and powerful
>The mares that were standing there waiting for you to call for them were the leaders of Equestria
>They were the sovereign rulers of everypony here, they had fought on and for the very ground that you stood on, two of them having done so thousands of years longer than you had been alive
>You were about to judge alicorns, demi-gods with powers that you couldn't and didn't want to comprehend
>You, of course, were BUCKING TERRIFIED
>A quick look at the other boys showed that, as they tried to busy themselves, they weren't taking this any better than you were
>Now you KNOW that none of the princesses would hurt anyone of their subjects, especially a stallion, without good reason
>BUT WHAT IF THEY DID THOUGH?!
>THESE FILLIES HAD THE POWER TO MOVE BUCKING PLANETS!
>WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF THEY SNAPPED IF YOU GAVE THEM A LOW SCORE?!
>HOW IN EQUESTRIA WERE YOU EVEN GOING TO JUDGE THEM?!
>It took quite a bit of mental gymnastics to keep yourself from falling to the ground and curling into a ball but you managed to do it
>This was the final bend of the race, Caramel
 
>After this was over you could get those pants and socks that Anon OWES YOU, you could go home and you could take the longest and bubbliest bubble bath that you have ever taken in your life
>You could do this
>You. Could. Do. THIS!
>...
>OhsweetbabyLunayouhopedthatyoucoulddothis!
>You looked up at Anon, your leader, your captain, the bucker who had dragged you into this, to see how he was doing
>He had to be freaking out too right?
>You knew that Anon was a weirdo but even he had to understand the implications of what you all were about to do
>Looking up at him you think that he did understand... but not in the way that a sane pony would
>No, he was looking at the princesses with the kind of excitement that you might see on the face of a fat filly in a candy store
>You were about to judge alicorns: creatures who were a perfect mixture of all three of the races and who's beauty and elegance was the stuff of legend
>That meant that Anonymous--and it WAS going to be Anon because YOU didn't have a death wish-- was going to be groping and touching these mares in a situation where he wouldn't be attacked by the guard and thrown in jail or worse
>And, from his big, big smile and his shining eyes, you could tell that he was happy about that
>...
>Looking down at his pants you could see that he was, in fact, VERY happy about that
>...
>...Bucking loony...
>Finally noticing that you were staring at him, Anon looked down at you and winked
>"Are you ready to do this my little amigo?" he asked
"No actually, I'm not ready for this at all."
>"That's the spirit!" Anon chirped, patting you on the back just a little too hard
>...
>He was gonna die
>He was gonna die and you weren't gonna do anything to stop it
>Clearing his throat, he cupped his hands around his mouth
>"Could we please get our next contestants front and center please?" he called
>As one the entire crowd looked back at the princesses
 
>Without saying a word a path was made for them and, with smiles still on their faces, they began to make their way toward you
>Ponies bowed as they walked past, the sun seemed to shine a little brighter, even the ground seemed to tremble with each graceful, elegant step that they took
>You and the fellas, not forgetting your manners, bowed as the alicorns drew near
>Even Anon graced them with a bow, though one with such flourish that it bordered on silly
>You couldn't help but roll your eyes at the sight, keeping your nose pointed low to the ground
>As the grew closer you could hear their horseshoes hitting the ground and that aura that you had felt seemed nearly suffocating
>Finally, as you looked up just a little bit, you could see a pair of golden horseshoes
>"Arise, my little ponies," a voice as sweet and rich as honey said. "Please, there's no need for that here."
>Slowly you picked your head up to stare at Princess Celestia, who was giving you a smile so kind and so motherly that your own mother, who was lounging on her couch waiting for your father to finish dinner, couldn't help but feel self-conscience for reasons that she couldn't discern
>To Princess Celestia's right was Princess Luna and to her left was Princess Mi Amore Cadenza with Twilight bringing up the rear
>Four out of six members of the royal family were right in front of you
>...
>And in a minute or two they were going to turn around and show you their butts
>...
>Ohmyhoshohmygoshohmygoshohmy--
>"Your majesties, it's wonderful that you decided to take the time out of your busy schedules to come here," Anon said with another bow. "Once again I'd like to thank you for doing so."
>Princess Cadence let out a giggle
>"Oh it was no trouble at all, Anon," she said with a wave of her hoof. "I'm sure that I don't just speak for myself when I say that we all wanted to get out of our castles for a little while."
 
>...
>That's a sentence you don't think you've ever heard...
>"Aye," Princess Luna said with a nod. "As We said before 'tis a joy to mingle with our subjects when we can."
>"What my sister says is true," Princess Celestia said with a nod. "We are happy--"
>For a brief, brief second a chill unlike you've ever felt hit you, making your shutter and your fur stand on end
>The sun seemed to flicker, and out of the corner of your eye you swore that you could see... something standing there
>"And what farce is this?" a voice, which seemed to be coming from nowhere and everywhere asked. "A judging of the best hindquarters and WE were not invited? For shame."
>Celestia's head snapped up, and before you could even process what was happening one of her massive white wings had pushed you to the side and she was making her way past you
>The other princesses looked behind you as well, their smiles disappearing and their horns sparking to life
>The sun flickered again as a giggle filled the air
>"Aw... Are you not happy to see me? I'd have thought that at least you would enjoy seeing an old friend once more, Luna."
>...
>Nope, you weren't going to do it
>You weren't going to look over your shoulder to see who was talking
>Nope, nada, nein
>Not today
>...
>...
>...
>Slowly, you looked over your shoulder
>...
>Oh sweet Faust help you
>Nightmare Moon grinned as she looked at your little group, her reptile-like eyes piercing
>"What a lovely group of stallions that I have before me~" she purred, licking her lips. "You all shall make a--"
>"You shall not TOUCH them demon," Princess Celestia spat, stepping in front of you and the fellas
>Nightmare Moon's grin widened
>"Demon? That's not a very nice name to call your little sister's BEST FRIEND~"
>"How did you manage to survive, monster?" Luna snarled, looking like she was ready to charge. "The elements should have destroyed you!"
 
>Nightmare Moon chuckled as you and the boys, along with most of the crowd, slowly began to back away
>"My sweet, sweet Luna; even now your naivety astounds me."
>The princesses stood shoulder to shoulder as the midnight black alicorn took a few steps forward, seemingly at ease even with four horns being pointed at her
>"Did you truly think that I would not take measures to ensure my continued existence?"
>Princess Celestia's lips drew back into a snarl
>"It does not matter how you managed to survive, demon. You WILL fall today!"
>Nightmare Moon raised an eyebrow
>"Oh? You think so?" she said, inspecting a hoof
>"We beat you once, Nightmare! We can do it again!" Twilight said
>Nightmare Moon looked at the youngest, purplest princess, a tinkle in her eye
>"Ah, but unlike last time I decided to bring a friend with me."
>The area to your left erupted into green flame
>You yelped in fright, quickly scrambling away your backside hit something
>"Awhohoho~, and unlike OUR little scuffle I guarantee that the four of you will not be walking away from this."
>Queen Chrysalis, Leader of the Changeling Horde, stepped out of that unholy fire wearing the same smirk that Nightmare Moon had on her face
>Though the princesses looked surprised Princess Cadence and Twilight wheeled around to face her, their horns crackling with magic
>Both of the villains began to make their way toward your little group
>Nightmare Moon's horn glowed, and the whispering that had been going on in your ear only got louder
>Chrysalis' horn then glowed, and you watched as the sun, which had been glowing so brightly, flickered like a candle
>...
>Alright...
>This had been real, REAL fun but you think that it was time that you left
>The other fellas, their eyes wide and their ears pinned against their heads, slowly made their way toward you, each of them looking like they were scared out of their minds
>To be honest you were probably just as scared and confused as the rest of them
 
>WHY WAS THIS HAPPENING?!
>WHY TODAY?!
>WHY WAS IT EVERY TIME ANON TALKED YOU INTO SOMETHING SOMETHING LIKE THIS BUCKING HAPPENED?!
>WHY DID YOU STILL LET ANON TALK YOU INTO THINGS?
>YOU SHOULD BUCKING KNOW BETTER COLT!
>You looked up at the thing that you had dumped into
>It was Anon, who was looking at the terrifying scene in front of him with a furrowed brow
>In fact, if you didn't know any better, you would have thought that he was lost deep in thought as he looked around
>...
>Oh no
>Nononononono!
>Anon might have been stupid but even HE wasn't that dumb!
>He would--
>You flinched as the human loudly cleared his throat
>"Excuse me."
>Your eyes widened as six pairs of eyes flickered toward him
>YOU BUCKING IDIOT ANON!
>DON'T GET THE ATTENTION OF THE SUPER VILLAINS!!!
>Anon bent down and somehow managed to grab you and the fellas
>"Before... whatever is going to happen happens I'd like to talk to you ladies about something. But before I do that I need to use the little stallions room. Excuse me."
>Not a single demi-god said as word as Anon, not taking his eyes off of any of the mares, took a step backward, and another, and another
>Sparing a glance backward you noticed that he was making his way toward his house, which wasn't fifty feet from where all of this was going down
>ATTA BOY ANON!
>You all could hole up in his house while the princesses fought it out!
>As Anon made it to his front door, still not taking his eyes off of the princesses and the two evil queens, all of which hadn't taken their eyes off of him, and began to blindly grab for it
>Time Turner's horn glowed, and with a click the door was opened
>"Alright," Anon said just a little too loudly. "Don't go anywhere, ladies, we'll be out in a few minutes after we finish powdering our noses and whatever else small horse men do in the bathroom."
>He then stepped into his house, reaching over for the door with his foot
 
>"...Please don't blow up anything; especially my house. I still got a SHIT load of payments on this thing. We'll be right back out. Promise."
>You and the fellas let out a sigh of relief as he closed the door
>You expected Anon to let you down and then direct you to his basement to where you all could cower but he didn't
>Instead he carried you all up a flight of stairs and into his bathroom, only setting you down as he closed the door behind him
>You all looked up at him as he looked around his oddly clean bathroom (oddly clean for him anyways)
>"...Huh," he said, scratching his chin. "That was something huh?"
>You opened your mouth to start screaming
>Two of Equestria's most dangerous enemies were right outside of his bucking door!
>That deserved more than "that was something huh?"
>But you didn't yell
>You didn't get mad
>Nope; not this time
>Anon might not see the gravity of the situation but he had gotten you out of there before things got bad
>And since you got out of there you could--
>A particular sound fills the air
>You and the fellas, some of which were shaking in their horseshoes, slowly turned your heads
>Anon was standing over his toilet, his pants and underwear down below bit ankles and a ba--
"What the buck are you doing?!"
>Though he was peeing, Anon managed to look over his shoulder at you
>"What? Didn'tyou hear me outside when I said that I had to use the bathroom?"
>Your eye twitched
"I can SEE that. But WHY ON CELESTIA'S GREEN EARTH are you holding a baseball bat?"
>Your eye twitched again when you looked at the human's bare green flank
"In fact, why do you even HAVE a BASEBALL BAT in your bathroom?"
>Anon look at the baseball bat in his hand before looking back at you and shrugging
>"I have the bat for protection," he said as he turned back around so that he could focus on the task at hoof
"Protection?"
 
>"Yep, ever hear of sewer gofers? I got ol' Betsy here in case one of those little bastards ever pop out of my john and try to bite my willy off."
>...
>You were going to kill this stallion
>If the two super villains standing outside didn't kill you all you were going to make it a POINT to kill this crazy stallion in front of you
"Anon..."
>"Hey, my uncle incognito got his Johnson ripped off by an angry sewer gofer once upon a time. Fucked him up real bad. So EXCUSE me if I want to take precautions!"
>"But what if you're pooping," Time Turner innocently asked
>You groaned
>NO!
>Don't encourage him!
>"Don't be silly; a sewer gofer would never try to get you when you're pooping! They'd get shit on, and nobody wants to get shit on. I heard from my other cou--"
"Anon, nopony cares about your pooping habits or sewer gofers or any of that!" you snapped before turning toward the fellas. "What we NEED to focus on is what to do now."
>Leaning over, Anon set his bat down, shook himself off, pulled up his pants and zipped them back up
>"What do you mean, Caramel?" he asked, walking past all of you to get to his sink. "We're gonna go back out there and do our jobs."
>If your eyes got any bigger you were sure they would have popped out of your BUCKING HEAD
>The other fellas weren't far off, all of you looking at Anon as he began to wash his hands
>"...Anon," Mr. Cake said after clearing his throat. "I know that you've been having fun with this whole contest today. Everypony here has had fun and we appreciate that you decided to bring us along for the ride."
>...
>You know what? Fine
>You could agree with that statement...
>"That being said I think that the fun and games are over. Two VERY bad ponies are outside and we--"
>"Who were the ones to beat those two out there?" Anon interrupted as he reached over and grabbed the nearest towel
>You all looked at each other
>"Well... the Twilight and her friends did didn't they?" Thunderlane said
 
>Drying his hands, Anon tossed his towel away and turned to all of you
>"That's right, they did, but right now, as they are, the girls can't really fight those two evil queens out there can they?"
>...You guess not
>You really didn't know all that much about how Twilight and the other elements beat Nightmare Moon and queen Chrysalis but you read something in it in the pap--
>...
"You want to stall for time so that the other girls can get the elements," you said.
>Anon nodded
>"Yep. If we manage to give the girls a bit of time to get ready maybe we can keep the town from getting wrecked from all of the god horses fighting."
>"B-But we could get hurt out there!" Spark Plug said, his eyes huge
>Anon shrugged
>"We could get hurt in here if they start fighting. At least if we're out there we have a chance of the princesses making sure we don't get hurt
>...
>"But we're just a couple of stallions!"
>"I have KIDS, Anon."
>"I don't want to bucking die!"
>"Hey, hey, hey, easy there," Anon said crouching down so that he was eye level to you all. "I know that you guys don't want to get hurt and you're scared. That's fine; I'm scared and I most certainly don't want to get hurt."
>Reaching over, Anon lightly tapped your wither with a fist
>"But just think about it: Villains are some prideful SOB's right? If we can just talk them into getting their flanks examined then maybe we can give the girls a chance."
>He looked at each and every one of you
>"I know that they're fucking evil and they tried to destroy the world and all of that, but I kinda doubt they're just up and kill a couple of stallions for no good reason."
>He didn't know that!
>What if those mares ENJOYED killing stallions?!
>Anon smiled at you with that silly but genuine smile of his
>"Come on, haven't you guys ever wanted to be the guy that saved the day and showed the girls up?
 
>You looked at the fellas, who in turn looked back at you
>You then took a long, good look at yourself and started to think
>Hopes, fears, desires, wants, happiness, your character, your likes, your dislikes; you examined anything and everything that made you you
>You didn't want to die today
>You were BUCKING SCARED out of your mind about what could happen
>...
>But you didn't want anypony ELSE to get hurt
>And, even though you'd like to have a few more shops here, you liked this little town that you called your home
>You might have just been a simple farmhand whose boss was a flank-staring pig but now, maybe, there was a chance that you could do something...
>Something that mattered...
>Though your heart was racing, your legs were shaking and you felt physically sick you looked up at Anon, smiling weakly
"...Alright, I'll go with you."
>"What?!" Thunderlane said, looking at you in shock. "What the buck are you talking about, Caramel?! Do you bucking realize what you're agreeing to?!"
>Mr. Cake looked down for a moment before he looked up, his chest puffed up
>"Me and my honey bunny are getting sick of rebuilding our shop. I'll go out with you too, Anon."
>Thunderlane's head snapped toward the father of two
>"Mr. Cake you have KIDS! What would happen to them if something happen to you?!"
>Time Turner's nose scrunched up and he took a step forward
>"Anon's right, if we don't do something we could ALL end up getting hurt."
>"Y-yeah," Spark Plug mumbled, still looking terrified, though there was a gleam of determination in his eye. "We'll h-help you, Anon."
>Thunderlane looked left, then right, before he let out a groan
>"Oh Celestia buck me straight in my flank," he said with a shake of his head
>He was silent for a little while after that before he groaned once more
>"Fine. FINE. I'll bucking go too. If you buckers die I won't have anypony to go clubbing with on the weekends..."
>Anon's grin widened as he stood up
 
>"Don't you guys worry, I'll make sure that you all get out of this in one piece."
>He then turned around, walking over and opening his door and stepping out into his hallway
>You and the boys looked at each other one last time before you started to make your way toward the unknown
>Yeah...
>Anon was right!
>You could--
CLICK!
 
>You are Anon
>And at that moment you were staring at your bathroom door that you had just locked
>"Anon?" Caramel said, tapping on the door, his little hoofsies pawing at the doorknob. "Why did you just lock the door?"
>You looked down at yourself
>Your suit was presentable but you were gonna have to eye yourself in a mirror for some little touch ups
"I want you guys to remember everything I taught you today. I can't guarantee that it will help you later in life but you never know."
>The tapping on the other side of the door stopped
>"...Anon, open this door right now," your little horse friend demanded, the his voice jumping a few octaves
"You guys should be safe in there until it's over,"you said, straightening your tie
>Just like you thought he would Caramel started pounding on your door with all of the strength in his little horse body
>But he was a little pone and you were a man that appreciated a strong, thick door with good hinges, so the door held
>"Anon? ANON! You open this bucking door right now! ANON?!"
>You smiled, placing a hand on the door
"There's a bunch of dirty magazines under the counter if you get bored and there's a box of crackers under the pile of red towels if you get hungry."
>By now three sets of hooves were wailing on the door, your friends desperate to get out
>"You're not going out there alone, Anon! DO YOU BUCKING HEAR ME?!"
"Bye bye, Caramel."
>"WHAT WAS ALL OF THAT HORSE APPLES OF GETTING UP PUMPED UP IF YOU WERE JUST GOING TO LOCK US UP IN HERE?!"
"That pep talk was more for me than you."
>As you turned away, you could hear Caramel scream in frustration
 
>"WHO THE BUCK EVEN HAS A LOCK ON THE OUTSIDE OF THEIR BUCKING BATHROOM?!"
>Silly Caramel
>That lock is so the sewer gofers don't run amok in your house
>...
>You'll get one of those little bastards eventually...
>"ANON! WE CAN HELP YOU! WE CAN DO THIS TOGETHER! WE NEED TO DO THIS TOGETHER! YOU CAN'T JUST GO OUT THERE BY YOURSELF YOU STUPID BUCKER!"
>No can do little buddy
>While you would have probably appreciated someone coming along to help you you weren't gonna risk your buddies like that
>They had families and lives and shit
>You were just some green alien that liked to touch pony butts
>Though you really doubted that the queens out there were going to hurt ANYONE if someone DID get hurt, or... worse, not much harm would be done if you got wrecked
>Hopefully one of them would notice that your bathroom had a window so they could get out eventually
>Heh, silly ponies...
>>"ANON! ANON! YOU ANSWER ME DAMMIT!"
>See ya in space, Cowboy
>You quietly made your way downstairs as the sounds of your friends trying to break down your bathroom door echoed throughout your house
>You stopped at the mirror that was sitting on the wall near your front door
>Your suit looked fine, your pants weren't wrinkled, and looking down and pulling your pants down slightly you noticed your limited edition Space Jam underwear still looked clean
>You took a step toward your mirror, staring at the HANDSOME son of a bitch staring back at you as you straightened your tie
>This was it
>You had been training your whole life for this moment...
>Time to go out and touch some of the biggest, fullest, perkiest asses in the whole wide world
>Your mirror imagine grinned at you as you turned around and threw open your door
>There wasn't a sound to be heard outside
>All was still; there wasn't even a gust of wind
>With your head held high you stepped off your porch and made your way over toward the princesses and villains, all of which were staring at you
 
>Huh... you honestly didn't expect them to wait for you...
>Say what you will about the baddies in horseland but at the very least they had some good manners
>"Aw, there he is, the strange green one with an affinity for flanks," Nightmare Moon said, looking past you. "And just where did your other little friends go?"
>Your eyes darted around, and you noticed that the crowd had vanished
>Good
>That meant that no one would get caught in the crossfire if this went bad
>Which it hopefully wasn't
>It wouldn't
>...You'd be fine
>You kept walking until you were in between the princesses and the queens, your hands gripping both sides of your collar
"Oh they decided that they needed to use the little colt's room, don't worry about them. Now, since I got all of you LOVELY ladies here I'd like to talk to you all about something."
>Today might have been the day that you were gonna die but that was alright
>You were gonna make grandma Anonymous proud and touch god butts
>And it was going to be fucking AWESOME
