Title:           Diggy Hole 7
Author:          LaPsbin
Pastebin link:   http://pastebin.com/s9PERRNj
First Edit:      Saturday 22nd of August 2015 12:05:44 PM CDT
Last Edit:       Saturday 22nd of August 2015 12:05:44 PM CDT

BE Twilight Sparkle
>This is bad!
>This is very, very, VERY bad!
>Why the buck did Anon jump out of the window?!
>Couldn't he have just used the bucking stairs?
>The bucking crazy stallion must have had a death wish!
>Sweetstarsabovewhatwereyougonnado?!?!
>Trotting in place, you look over at your teacher
"Princess! We have to do something about this!"
>While you didn't know what that something was you were sure that the Princess would know what to do!
>You watch as your teacher, with a tired sigh, rolled out of Anon's bed and ruffled her feathers
>"I suppose that you're right, Twilight. Something DOES need to be done about all of this."
>Shaking her head the Princess looked past you and at the ruined window that Anon just hopped through like a nut
>"Come, lets go downstairs and see what my sister is doing."
>You didn't know how the Princess was able to walk out of the room and down the stairs as calmly as she did
>You ran down the stairs as fast as your hooves could take you, then ran back up them when you noticed that your teacher hadn't been running down the stairs with you, then ran back down them because you honestly didn't know what to do with yourself
>It still looked like you still had to master the art of being calm under pressure, something that your teacher seemed a master of
>She was probably thinking up something right now to solve all of this under that cool, calm gaze of her's
>Cool as a cucumber AND the other side of the pillow your teacher was
>"Sister, is that thou?" a voice from the kitchen called
>Yawning (what a bucking ZEN MASTER) your teacher led you to the kitchen, where Luna was sitting on Anon's counter eating a big tub of what looked like chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream
>"Shouldn't you be eating something more breakfast related, Luna?" your teacher asked in amusement
>Luna froze, a spoon in her mouth, before her eyes snapped toward you and the Princess
>"Oh, it is thou," she said, sighing in relief. "We had feared that the mob outside had besieged the house and were trying to force themselves in."
>Wait!
>Back up!
>BACK RIGHT UP!
"THERE'S A MOB OUTSIDE?!"
>Luna nodded, scooping a big spoon full of ice cream out of the tub before shoving it into her mouth
>"Aye, a very big one at that."
>Your teacher seemed to take the news surprisingly well, walking past her sister and opening Anon's fridge
>"Did you save any food for us or did you eat everything in sight like you usually do, Luna?" she asked, poking her eat in
>Luna snorted
>"There was barely any substance in the human's house to speak of, dear sister, so thou shall have to make do with whatever We have left thee. AND we would like to remind thou that WE are not the one that managed to eat half of the castle's supply of--"
>Wait!
>They're EATING
>Right after Luna said that there's a mob outside?
>A MOB!
>Hundred of ponies doing Faust knows what to Anon out there!
>They could be hurting the poor, defenseless stallion
>OR WORSE!
>MUCH, MUCH WORSE!!!
>Why the hay didn't you take a minute to properly look outside that BUCKING WINDOW?!
>You could have stopped this before it began!
>You didn't know how but you would have figured something out
"WHAT THE HAY ARE YOU TWO DOING?!"
>Both the Princess and Luna reeled back in surprise at your shout, looking at you then each other in confusion
>"... We are eating, Twilight Sparkle," Luna said before scooping up another spoonful of ice cream for herself to emphasis her point. "What does it look like we art doing?"
"Anon's outside, by himself, with a mob of mares outside ready to do Faust knows what with him, and the two of you are just going to sit in here and EAT BREAKFAST?!"
>The Celestial sisters looked at each other once again before nodding
>"Yes, my student, and after that I do believe that I'll go back up to Anonymous's bedroom and fix his window since he was such a dear and let us all sleep over his house.
>Luna nodded
>"Say what you will about that stallion but it was good of him to shelter us like he did."
>Wat
>WAT?
>WAT?!?!?!?!?!
>WERE YOU THE ONLY PONY HERE THAT HAD ANY SENSE OF DECENCY?!
>THEY COULD HAVE BEEN RAPING ANON RIGHT NOW AS THE THREE OF YOU WERE HAVING THIS--
 
BOOM!
 
>You can't help but jump as two armored mares come flying through Anon's door, knocking the thing off its hinges, mystery mares tumbling through the entryway before skitting to a stop a few feet from the entrance to the kitchen
>"YOU CUNTS ARE PAYING FOR THAT!" You could hear Anon, as clear as day, roar over what sounded like a battlefield outside. "JUST LIKE YOU'RE PAYING FOR MY FUCKING FENCE!"
>With a hum your teacher walked over to the bruised, battered, and unconscious mares and gave them a little kick with her hoof
>"Oh I wouldn't worry too much about Anonymous, my dear student--"
>"DESPAIR, FOR I AM THE END OF DAYS YOU LITTLE HORSES!"
>"--I think that he'll be able to handle himself. "
>Luna nodded, kicking her hooves around as she levitated the now empty tub of ice cream over to the garbage bin
>"Aye, and if he DOES become overwhelmed then mares outside should, along with probably having their way with Anonymous on the bare earth outside, dig up that blasted hole that hath been vexing us all for these last few days."
>With a huge yawn Luna opened one of Anon's drawers and pulled out a bag of cookies, opening them with a flick of her horn
>"And if he doesn't there is a good chance that he will be too tired to stop US from overpowering him and digging up his hole."
>She shrugged, levitating a cookie out of the bag and nomming on it
>"And we three can have our way with him if we so desire at the time. I myself hath always been a bit frisky after--"
"We'renotgonnabuckingdoanythinglikethat!!"
>Luna blinked
>"...Thou didn't need to bite off our head, Twilight Sparkle. A simple no would have sufficed."
>Rolling her eyes at you, your teacher walked over and laid a wing over you
>"I know that this might seem... strange to you, my dear student, but why don't the three of us just let all of... THIS sort itself out on its own."
>You watch as one of the cookies from Luna's bag levitates over to your teacher, who took a big bite out of it
>"I've always found that the less you do in situations like these the faster and better they seem to sort themselves out."
"But--"
>"AND if it gets too out of hoof than I'm sure that the three of us are more than capable of ceasing any silliness."
>With a grunt your teacher hopped up onto the counter with her sister
>"Let everypony out there let off some steam for an hour or two. Heavens know that Anonymous needs it, and I'm sure half of the town need it after how that stallion out there's been acting. So why don't the three of us just go ahead and look through Anon's kitchen to see if he has any food and have ourselves a hearty breakfast, hmm?"
>You just stand there, mouth agape, looking at Luna and your teacher, a mare that you thought was a paragon of all things good and noble and marely, in shock
>What the TARTARUS was wrong with these two?!
>You three just couldn't sit here, eat all of Anon's junk food, and wait for all of this to sort itself out!
>You three were better than that!
>And you had no bucking idea WHY the princesses would even suggest something like that!
>It wasn't like the two of them did nothing while...
>...
>...
>...
>...Oh
>Oh holy horse apples...
>All of the puzzle pieces just fitted together...
>The Princess...
>Luna...
>They were...
>S-L-A-C-K-E-R-S
>...
>...
>...
>"...Twilight, dear, are you alright? You're looking a little... Flustered..."
>...
>...
>...
>NA! That couldn't be true!
>This was bucking Princess Celestia you were bucking talking about!
>S-She was just
>She was just...
>...Testing you?...
>YEAH!
>That's what this was!
>A test!
>A TEST!
>This was another test!
>The Princess WANTED you to go out there and protect Anon so that you could be a marely mare like her!
>In fact, you bet that she set this ALL up (somehow) so that you'd better understand FRIENDSHIP!
>Yeah!
>That was it!
>YepYepYep!!!
>Don'tthinkaboutit!!
>Themadnesssetsinifyouthinkaboutit!
>With a giggle that sounded just a teeny bit crazy, you saluted
"I understand what you want me to do now, Princess! And don't you worry, I'm on it!"
>Both your teacher and her sister look at each other once again
>Though, to the untrained eye, it looked like they were WORRIED about you!
>"...On what, Twilight? What are you talking about?"
>Oh!
>OH!
>Just look at her!
>Look at how faked worried she looked!
>Worried, hah!
>But you knew the truth
>They were just surprised that you figured out their little test so quickly and were hiding it under masks of concern!
>But of course you managed to figure out the Princess's plan so quickly!
>You were her star pupil!
>Somepony that she wanted to mold and test so that you'd be the very best, smartest, and friendliest mare in the whole wide, wide world!
>Hahahahahaha!
>She REALLLLLLY had you going there for a second!
>You had almost thought that you teacher was a lazy mare that got others to do important things for her!
>But she wasn't a lazy pony
>NO!
>She was the hardest working, most qualified mare that you've ever met!
>You bet your bucking Crystal Castle of Doom that if she really had wanted to she would have beaten off Chrysalis, and Tirek, and Nightmare Moon, and all of those other challenges that you and your friends had had to overcome
>...
>...
>...
>Hah!
>With only the slightest eye twitch you spin around
"DON'T YOU WORRY, ANON! I UNDERSTAND EVERYTHING THAT'S GOING ON NOW! I KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON AND I'M COMING TO SAVE YOU!"
 
BE CELESTIA
>Both you and your sister watch as Twilight raceD out through the hole in the wall that used to have a door, shouting some nonsense to the heavens before joining the battle that was probably still raging outside
>You didn't know cause you hadn't looked out the hole
>Not really well anyway
>Cause your tummy had the rumblies
>That only hay bacon could satisfy
>Luna, still eying where your student had run off to, reached into her cookie bag and pulled out another cookie to shove in her mouth
>Though you'd usually chastise her for eating junk food this early in the morning you'll let it pass this time
>There wasn't anything else in Anon's house TO eat except junk food it seemed
>The colt really needed to go out and do some proper shopping...
>Reaching over you grab yourself a cookie
>Hmmm
>Cookielicious...
>"Sister?"
"Yes Luna?"
>"Should We perhaps venture forth and assist Twilight Sparkle in whatever she plans to do?"
>"BURN, MAIM, KILL! BURN, MAIM, KILL!!!"
>You twitch as Anonymous throws another pair of mares into his house sending them tumbling through what was left of the entryway and past the first two mares and into a wall
>Huh...
>That looked like it hurt
>A lot...
>Maybe you SHOULD go out there and put a stop to this nonsense?
>All it would take was a spell after all
>You could teleport the mob away, knock Anon out, or just dig up the hole yourself if you REALLY wanted to...
>...
>Eh...
>Nah
"Let us wait a bit before charging out there," you say, taking another bite out of your cookie. "Let's let everypony tire themselves out before we both go charging out there horns ablaze."
>You know, you quite like the little seat that Luna had picked out
>It was a good deal higher up than a normal chair and it had that firmness that you sometimes wanted whenever you say down...
>Yes...
>You'd have to sit on a counter more often whenever you happened to find yourself in a kitchen
"For all we know Twilight will have this all settled by the time the two of us fix ourselves a proper breakfast. Let's give the mare a chance, eh?"
>You sister nods at your obvious wisdom
>"Aye, we also believe that that is the best course of action. We wouldn't want to steal any glory from young Twilight."
>Nodding yourself you hop off the counter and walk over to the four knocked out mares
>A quick pat down reveals four bit bags
>Bit bags filled with bits
>Bits that you were sure their owners wouldn't mind "lending" to you
>They HAD broken Anon's door down
>The very least they could do was full up his fridge with goodies to eat
>Like hay bacon
"Then come along sister and lets make a quick run down to the marketplace to get something to cook up for breakfast!"
>Luna scrunches up her nose
>"...Will thou buy the pancake batter that We like?"
>You roll your eyes
"Of course I will, you big baby. Now come on, let's get something to cook up before I start to fade away."
>And not a bother was given that day.jng
 
BE ANONYMOUS
>Fighting in a battle was a lot different than what you've read about
>The history books never mention the how fucking loud it was
>The Movies never could show or explain the sensory overload of having dozens and dozens of little horses charging at you all at the same time with weapons raised
>Nor did they talk about the full body sting of getting hit everywhere at once by foam pool noodles
>And they most certainly didn't talk about how eventually the sounds and the sights and the smells dimmed until they were nothing
>Not even background noise
>The only thing you could hear was the mares that were charging you and maybe Lyra's scream or Bon Bon's cursing and/or barrage of hurtful insults
>Half of which were directed at you
>The only thing you could see were those colorful plastic noodles of pain and the bodies that you had to dodge
>And the pain
>Well
>You weren't feeling much of that after getting knocked around for what felt like an eternity
>Probably cause you were a real motherfucker
>....Or because they were hitting you with pool noodles
>Eh
>Somewhere during the beginning of the attack you had managed to wrestle two foam noodles off some mares and had been tearing into the enemy like a man possessed
>You hit the little horses on the muzzles, you hit them on the rumps, you hit them on the back of their widdle furry legs
>And you showed no mercy
>They'd get hit whether they were tear-eyed and begging you to stop hitting them because it stung everywhere or screaming about how they were going to beat you until you cried like a colt
>No mercy, no rest; you had to be a machine on this battlefield that had become your front yard
>You had to keep swinging your noodles like a mad man
>You had to keep pushing the enemy back, and you had to protect you hole at all cost
>Because this was war
>...A war where you and a bunch of ponies beat on each other with foam noodles...
>But it was still war!
>Or at least the closest thing that you want to get to a real, proper war
"How are you doing over there BON BON?" you yell, taking three noodles to the stomach and one to the back
>"Why won't he stay down?" one of the little horses that hit you asked, her voice filled with panic. "WE KEEP HITTING HIM BUT HE WON'T STAY DOWN OR CRY OR ANYTHING!"
>With a battle cry you spin around and start pummeling the closest armored mare with your noodles of death
"Because. You. Fuckin. Horses. Are. Outta. Your. Damn. Mind." you grunt in between hits
>The mare does her best to block your attacks, her eyes wide with panic while she backpedals, but your barrage starts to find kinks in her defense
>The little earth pony mare cries out when you hit her on the side of the neck
>Tears start to form in her eyes when you hit on of her legs
>And her lip begins quivering when you hit her on the rump
>Ihavebecomethedestroyerofpone
>"S-Stop it you m-meanie! T-That s-stings!"
>Bon Bon leisurely waved your hose back and forth, bringing down pone after pone with a spray of water
>If you didn't know any better you'd say that the mare was watering her flowers, not leaving her fellow ponies in a shivering, soaked mess
>Bonnie Bun's was one stone cold motherfucker
>And a cunt
>A big one
>"Maybe you should stop worrying about me and start worrying about all of the mares that are hitting you, dummy," Bon Bon called over the screaming and shouting of the mob. "Maybe then you'd stop getting hit so many times!"
>Ugh!
>Fucking Bon Bon...
>From behind Candy rump you could see a mare charging at her with noodle raised
>"I'm going to buck you up you bucking DIRT HORSE!"
>Yeah!
>You fuck that bitch up random pone
>Time seemed to slow as the charging mare sprinted closer and closer toward Bon Bon
>Bondeno didn't seem to notice her attacker, just waving your hose back and forth while humming a little tune to herself
>You watch the scene unfold holding a little horse in a headlock, a smile coming to your face and your eyes widening
>Come on!
>Hit her
>Whack her in the head!
>"ARRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH!"
>Almost there....
>"AAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!"
>Just a few more feet....
>"AAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHH!"
>Smack her RIGHT in the back of the head
>Maybe that'd knock some of the cunt out of her!
>You're practically squirming as the random little horse comes within swinging distance
>She skidded to a stop and spun herself around so she that she'd had Bon Bon a little bit harder
>Yes...YES!
>COME ON!
>YOU WERE SO. FUCKING. READY. FOR THIS!!!
>Without even looking back at her attacker, Bon Bon's back leg shoots out, hitting the little mare right in the face
 
KONK!
 
>You make a disappointed sound as the little mare crumbles in a heap, tossing the little horse in your arms into a group of mares that were about to dog pile on you
>FUCK!
>So close...
>Good try little pone
>Good try...
>Bon Bon, seeing you staring at her, frowned
>"And if you quit staring at my butt maybe I wouldn't have to take out most of the mares myself!"
>You growl, dropping one of your noodles and picking a mare up by the scruff of her neck as she tried to race around you
"I wasn't staring at your fat ass you cunt! And the only reason why you're beating down more ponies is because you're using a fucking hose!"
>You throw the little horse at another horse that was about to go for Lyra
"That shit has area of effect!"
>"Stop making things up you weirdo and keep fighting!"
>You grunt as an armored mare slams into your gut, making you take a few steps back and almost knocking the wind out of you
>Two more mares slam into both of your sides, nearly knocking you off of your feet
>"Just. Let. Us. Dig. Your. Bucking. Hole!" one of the growls, pawing at your arm
>With a snarl you shake yourself like a dog, causing the mares on you to go flying off
>"You see? If you paid attention to what the hay was going on all around you then stuff like that wouldn't happen!"
>Spitting, you lean down and grabbed the noodle that you had discarded
"Just keep hitting them with that fucking water while I keep hitting them with these noodles!"
>To your left you could hear Lyra giggling
>Yeah! Yeah! Take that!"
>When this little clash of yours had started you had been worried about the bird horses flying around
>They could have started dive bombing you or they could have even flown behind you, Bon Bon, and Lyra and started fucking around with your hole
>But, luckily, that was where Lyra came it
>The mint green little horse would use those fly swatters of her's to smack any pegasus in the sky on the nose, causing them to lose control and crash, effectively taking them out of the fight
>Which was great and all...
>But you kinda wish she could control WHERE they fucking crashed
>Your poor bird bath had been destroyed in moments, and your fence was so fucked up by the bird horses flying through it (though the little fuckers never seemed too worse for wear afterward) that the enemy had just up and tore down the rest of it
>Which was another thing that they were going to have to FUCKING PAY FOR!
>That and your fucking door
>The fucking destruction CUNTS
>"See Bonnie? I told you that I'd find something for you and Anon to bond over!" Lyra called, two of her fly swatters flashing through the air
>You head two yelps in the air before two bird horses came crashing into the mob
>"It might not be the... BEST thing to bond over but the two of you are definitely bonding!"
>"SHUT UP LYRA!" both you and Bonnie yell
>Time seems to slow after that
>Though, at most, you had been out here for ten minutes, it felt like you had been out here all day
>Battle time was weird like that... you think
>The mob of ponies in front of you try everything to overwhelm you
>You had shown them that that wasn't going to fly during the first ten minutes
> So then the mob tried to get around you so they could get at the hole
>Even if you kept beating them down eventually they dig up the hole and pull out your septic tank, especially with all of the unicorns and their dirt moving magic
>But like last time you, Lyra, and Bon Bon managed to beat them back
>And through all of this bullshit, though all of the hitting and yelling and adorable pony swearing that wasn't really swearing, looking over everything with a frown, was Applejack
>MOTHER
>FUCKING
>SILLY
>APPUL
>HOERS
>Sweet Christ above how you wanted to rush that silly pony and give her such a SMACK
>But that was just what she wanted you to do probably
>Appul hoers might have been the silliest pony around but she wasn't stupid
>She knew the second that one of you broke formation you'd all be overwhelmed
>And that'd be bad mkay?
>But as everything stood none of you were going anywhere and as the minutes ticked by the more you three ground down her little "army"
>All you needed to do was make a few more mares cry, maybe toss a couple more through the air, and...
>"Man, BUCK this!" one of the mares said, throwing down her noodle and backpedaling away from you, her eyes wide and her ears pinned back. "I'm not getting my bucking flank kicked to dig some hole!"
>...The army would start to waver
>Though both of your noodles had chunks missing and your body was REALLY starting to ache from all of the continuous activity you couldn't help but smile
>With a growl you swiped at the row of mares in front of you
>With a chorus of yelps they hop away from you
>Yes!
>You can see the bravery leaving their eyes!
>A bit more testosterone-filled aggression and mares would start to run
>And, if you were lucky, if a few mares started to run then a WHOLE BUNCH of mares would start to run
>Heh
>Only (at max) twenty minutes of fighting and you were ready to end the battle?
>These little horses were fucking plebs
"Come on then!" you yell, taking another step forward and swinging your noodles around like you had ants in your pants. "I can keep doing this all day!"
>You reach down and grab two mares that had been lying curled up on the ground sniffling
>Casualties of your might you were guessing
"I'll take you all on you little marshmallow horses!" you scream, tossing the mare into the crowd
>Bon Bon, seeing what you were trying to do, starts walking forward with her hose
>"Come on buckers! Who wants some?!"
>The mob slowly starts to back away from you, some mares throwing off their helmets, others throwing down their pool noodles and looking around for any exits
>At the moment not a single mare was trying to hit you and from what you could see no little horse was trying to dive bomb you
>They were all just kind of quietly standing there looking at you nervously
>None of them seemed to know what to do
>You could tell that more than a few of them wanted to retreat, but there were others that still wanted to take a crack at you even after seeing that their silly little horse weapons didn't do much more than piss you off
>Come on...
>Run you little niggas...
>Run on home...
>The gap between your three man/horse army and the mob increase a bit more as the mares continued to slowly back away
>You and Bon Bon didn''t even have to herd them back anymore, they were slowly retreating back toward Applejack's little command center on their own
>Just a bit more...
>Run the fuck away so I can--
>"An' where the sam 'ell do you think ya'll going?!"
>You frown as you see motherfucking Granny Smith in some weird green, apple themed robes shoving her way through the crowd toward you
>The fuck is this then?
>It takes a minute but she eventually makes her way to you
>"Are ya'll gonna let some no good, ornery, pig-headed colt walk all over ya like a bunch of door mats?!"
>Snorting, you take an aggressive step toward the elderly mare
"You best to pissing off, Granny Smith," you advise
>Looking past the crowd you see Applejack hurriedly making her way toward you all
>You could see the horror on her face
>...
>...
>...
>What?
>Did she think that you were low down enough to beat an elderly women with a pair of noodles?!
>She was right, you'd beat Granny Smith with these foam noodles until you knocked the denchers out of her mouth if she made a break for your hole, but it was still a bit shitty of her to up and assume that you'd beat up old people willy-nilly!
>The bitch
>Granny Smith frowned at you
>"Now see here ya young whipper-snapper! You're gonna stop all of this here nonsense an' let these mares do their work!"
>You smile mockingly
"They can dig up my hole any time they want, Granny. All they have to do is step over my dead fucking body to do it."
>You spread your arms out wide
"Do I got any takers? Any takers at all?"
>Your smile widens when you see the mob take a few more steps back at that
>Yeah!
>Alpha as fuark!
>"Granny! Ya get yer fanny back over here right now!" Appulz screamed
>Granny looked over her shoulder
>"I ain't standin' by an' letting this there stallion make all of us act like fools any longer!" she said with a stomp of the hoof before turning to look at you with a set jaw
>"Now listen here youngin'! Are ya gonna let all of these here mares dig yer bucking hole or am I gonna have ta bring out the big guns?
>Both Bon Bon and Lyra snort and you couldn't help but smile yourself at that
>What the hell was this fossil going to do?
>Talk you to death
"That hole's MINE to dig, Granny. Not your's, not Applejack's, not a single pony here. MY. HOLE."
>Squatting down until you were eye level with the old bag you flash her a toothy grin
"So you can bring out whoever or whatever you want to try to fucking move me but I promise you I ain't going NOWHERE."
>A look of sadness flashes across the elderly mare's face
>"An' that's yer answer then, youngin'?"
"That it is, Granny."
>Shaking her head, Granny Smith steps away from you
>"Then I'm afraid ya left me no choice," she said, placing the hood of her robe over her head and slowly standing up onto her back hooves. "I must summon the Great One ta stop yer nonsense!"
>As you stand back up to your full height the wind suddenly started to pick up
>Winds strong enough to damn near move you
>...Strange
>There wasn't a windy day scheduled today...
>Looking up you see that black clouds were starting to form over Ponyville
>What?
>There wasn't any rainstorms scheduled today either
>In fact it was supposed to be bright and sunny, without a cloud in the sky, for the rest of the week
>You, Bon Bon, Lyra, and every single little horse in the mob look at Granny Smith, watching in a mixture of confusion and awe as the old mare starts to rock back and forth, her eyes becoming hazy and unfocused
>"Oh Great Apple! I call upon thee! Leave yer sanctum within that there Everfree forest and help yer servants!"
>The clouds seemed to get darker and more pronounced as Granny Smith lifted her hooves high into the air
>Was...
>Was Granny fucking doing this?!
>You look over to your right to see Bon Bon, her head pinned to the back of her head, taking a few nervous steps back
>Looking to your left you see Lyra doing the same thing, her fly swatters falling to the ground as the mint mare's golden eyes surveyed the sky with nothing less than terror
>The crowd in front of you fare no better, every single one of them, Applejack included, moving away from Granny
>"Come! Help us beat this here critter down so that he may know of yer might and the might of the Apple family oh Great One!"
>Another gust of wind whipped through your yard, tugging at your clothes
>"Anon," Lyra yelled, her mane flying this way and that. "Anon! What the hay is she doing?!"
"I have no fucking idea what the fuck she's doing!" you yell, backing up with her and Bonnie. "You're the one with all of the magic! You tell me what the hell she's doing!"
>"This isn't like any magic I know about!" Harp butt yells back
>Another gust of air knocks the hood off of Granny's head, letting you all once again see her face
>It seemed... sharper
>More... animalistic...
>"DO DRA SHON HABBA DABBA DO SHIM SHAM THANK YOU MA'AM BOFANGLE MOMANGLE--"
>"Anon! Anon!"
>You grunt in surprise as something nails you in the back, causing you to stumble forward
>Ohsnapson!
>GetitoffgetitoffGETITOFF!
>Reflexively you reach down a pluck your attacker off of you, and you get into tossing position, but then you stop when you see that it was Twiggy Piggy
"What?!" you yell. "Can't you see that I'm a bit busy at the moment?!"
>Twilight, who must not have noticed all that BULLSHIT popping off like ten feet away from her (cause she was blind or some shit), smiles, all four of her hooves spreading out wide before wrapping themselves around you in a weird and slightly uncomfortable hug
>"Anon! I just realized that this was all a test by the Princess!" Dorkale said with a crazy(ish) look on her eyes. "I wasn't supposed to be trying to force my help on you! I was supposed to let you come to me and ask for my help like a friend SHOULD!"
>...What the fuck is she talking about?
>And why does her mane look all weird like that?
>...And what was that about a Princess?
>This wasn't a FRIENDSHIP LESSON either or whatever the hell she just said...
"Parkle, what the FUCK are you talking about?"
>Twilight nuzzled your neck
>"Princess Celestia set this all up so we could all learn something about friendship today, Anon! FRIENDSHIP!"
>She nuzzled you again, and you have to resist the urge to throw her at into the crowd of mares in front of you
>Exasperated, you look back over at Granny Smith
>Did Twilight seriously not see the world ending shit that was going on RIGHT OVER THERE?!
>What the hell was wrong with her?!
>"I'm sorry for trying to dig up your hole, Anon!" It wasn't right to try to force anything on you, even if you are a stallion," Book Hoers said, looking up at you with a big smile. "If you want to dig up your hole by yourself then you should be able to do it all by yourself! You're a person that deserves to make your own decisions and I should have respected that."
>...Huh
>It was... nice to hear someone say that
>A little sudden and out of place-- you know, since Twilot looked like she was about to lost it and with whatever the fuck Granny Smith was doing-- but it was still nice
>Maybe the little horse had an epiphany or some shit while she was fucking around in your house?...
>Yeah
>It was probably some stupid shit like that
>Fucking ponies...
>The magic of friendship (or some such faggotry) was practically sparkling in the little mare's eyes
>"But remember, if you need DO need help, with anything, you can come and..."
>Slowly trailing off, Twilight looked over at Granny Smith, then up at the blackened sky with the clouds all spinning around and shit, before she looked back at you
>"...Anon?"
"Yes Twilight?"
>"Could you please tell me what the hay's going on?"
>Gently grabbing the mare by the scruff of her neck you peel her off of you and set her down on the ground
"I fucking wish I could tell you, Narkle."
>"DTHUM DOM DURTHAGEL FORE NAGTH APPLE QUSIEM APPLE APPLA APPLERN APPLAOLU!"
>What sounded like a roar echoed out from the clouds, shaking the very earth itself and knocking you off your feet
>"ARISE GREAT APPUL! ARRRRRIIIIISSSSSEEEEEE!"
I HAVE ANSWERED YOUR CALL, GRANNY SMITH OF THE APPLES!
>One moment all you were able to see up in the sky was the clouds
>The best moment this... thing appears right above you all
AND I HAVE COME TO REAP AND DEVOUR THE NONBELIEVERS!
>HELLO!
>THAT YELLING WAS A FUCKING THING!
>"Is that a bucking giant apple with wings?!" Bon Bon yells, pointing at a... giant... apple with...
>What the hell is this shit?!
>Candybutt frowned, looking over in your direction
>"Anon, why is it whenever me and Lyra try to help you some SHIT like this happens?!"
"Because you touch yourself at night Bonnie," you immediately answer, your mind trying to process what the hell was happening in front of you
>Bon Bon's frown deepened
>"You'r mother touches herself at night you dick."
"No you!"
>That little verbal fencing out of the way you look back at all of... that
>All of that shit happening in front of you
>So...
>Old Granny Smith summoned some giant apple god thing so fuck you up?
>...Why did it have wings?
>What ever was life?
>What the hell were you doing her--
ANONYMOUS THE HUMAN! I HAVE GAZED UPON YOU AND FOUND YOU WANTING!
>The apple yelled turning (?) toward(?) you
>Holy shit is that thing weird...
>Shuffling in place uncomfortably , you look over at Bon Bon, then at Twilight, then at Lyra
"...Well fuck you too big apple thing!"
>The winged apple huffs(?)
>Wait
>Where the fuck was it's mouth and how was it--
DO NOT FEAR THIS CREATURE, DAUGHTERS OF THE APPLE AND ALLIES! HE IS A CREATURE OF FLESH AND BLOOD AS THOU ARE!
>The mob looked up at the apple, their fear slowly leaving their faces
>Though you didn't know why
>There was a GIANT, FLYING, TALKING APPLE floating above them!
RALLY THYSELVES! TAKE HEART NOW, FOR I HAVE COME TO THIS FIELD OF BATTLE TO SPILL AND SHED BLOOD WITH THEE! FIGHT LIKE LIONESSES AND HE SHALL CRUMBLE!
>Applejack threw a hoof up into the air
>"Ya heard the Great Apple, girls! Come on now, lets give ol' Anon what fer!"
>Oh shit!
>They're fucking rallying!!!
STEEL THYSELF, BEAST, FOR THOU SHALL SUFFER AN ETERNITY IN A POOL OF STALE CIDER AFTER I HAVE SMITTEN YOU!
>Double shit!!
>That thing wasn't to kill your ass!
"Hey Twilight?"
>You, Twilight, Bon Bon, and Lyra slowly back away as the big apple monster in the sky and it's horde of pone minions slowly descend upon you
>"Yeah, Anon?"
"Since you're an alicorn you're pretty much a god now right?!"
>Twilight chuckled, giving you a shove with a blush on her cheeks
>"Oh Anon! Now I wouldn't say that I was a GOD! I mean that after becoming an alicorn I might be a little more--"
"Just answer the god damned, motherfucking, pissing question Twilight!"
>Twilight stops, humming thoughtfully
>"Aw... Maaaaybe?"
>Fuck it
>You'll fucking take a maybe if it meant not getting murdered by a giant flying apple
"Hey, great! Listen, you remember when you said that you'd help me out with anything if I asked for it?"
>"You mean the whole thing that--"
"Yeah, yeah, that! Look, I'm going to have to ask you that favor right now!"
>The armored mares in front of you lower their pool noodles while they shouted and jeered at you
"Could you take out that fucking flying apple demon while me, Bonnie, and Lyra deal with everyone on the ground?"
>You stop your retreating and look at her
"Can you do that for me, Twilight?"
>The giant flying apple seems to glow for a moment
DO NOT TEST ME YOUNG ALICORN! I AM FAR BEYOND THEE!
>The apple warned
IF THOU TRIES TO STOP ANY OF US THERE SHALL BE NO MERCY FOR THEE!
>Twilight looks at the big apple then at you, her ears splayed back
>Come on Darkle...
>Help a nigga out...
>For once in your little horse life go ahead and be based...
>Twilight closed her eyes and took a deep breath before looking up at you with a determined smile
>"Alright! I'll help you Anon!"
>Fuck Yes!
>Narkle for the motherfuckin--
>"B-But if I help y-you I want you to do something for m-me..."
>You stop
>Bon Bon and Lyra stop
>The mob stop
>Even the fucking apple stops
>And you all just look at Twinought
"...What do you want?"
>Twilight looked away from you, rubbing a leg shyly
>"Well... could you give me a... k-kiss after a-all of this is o-over?"
>You don't think you've seen the little mare any redder as she looked back up at you
>"I-If y-you don't m-min--"
>Twilight squeaked when you kneeled down and put your hands on her shoulders
"Twilight."
>"Y-Yes A-Anon?"
>You point at the big apple
"If you keep that thing from mashing my potatoes then I'll give you all the kisses you want."
>Darkle seemed to perk up considerably at that
>"R-Really?!"
>You nod
"Really, really."
>"Y-You Pinkie Promise?"
"Cross my heart and hope to cry, stick a cupcake in my eye," you say, going through the motions
>Now grinning like a crazy person, Twilight takes off into the air
>"Then don't you worry, Anon! I'm beat the hay out of this apple monster and w-we can k-kiss all we w-want afterward!"
>The apple rises up in the air a little more
COME THEN, CHILD! IF THOU WISHES TO FIGHT A GOD THEN LET US TAKE OUR BATTLE TO THE SKIES!
>As you get back up you notice that somewhere in the middle of the big winged monster apple appearing you tossing horses around you seemed to have lost your noodles
>You look down at you empty hands before looking over your shoulder
>About a foot away from you, Bon Bon, and Lyra was your hole
>None of you could back up anymore; you all either had to make your stand here or you'd all have to run away
>And there was no way in hell that you were running away
>Not now
"I SEEMED TO HAVE MISPLACED MY WEAPONS!" you shout at the once again advancing mob, your teeth bared as you squat down into a fighter's stance.
"THANK GOODNESS THERE'S A GREAT BIG GROUP OF HORSES HERE THAT I CAN REARM MYSELF FROM!"
>Once again slamming your fists against your chest, you look out at the mob like they were the scum of the earth
"COME ON THEN, LADIES! COME AND MAKE MY FUUUUCCCCKKKKIIIIINNNNGGGG DAY!
 
BE TWILIGHT SPARKLE
I SHALL SLAY THEE UPON THIS BATTLEFIELD, TWILIGHT SPARKLE: YOUNGEST OF THE ALICORNS! ALL WHO LOOK BACK UPON THIS DAY WILL KNOW MY MIGHT AND KNOW THY WEAKNESS!
>You know, you honestly never expected any of those aerial combat books that you read while back in Canterlot would have any use
>You had only read them out of boredom, back when you were a pudgy purple unicorn that didn't into friendship
>But now you were a perfectly healthy and not puddy at all alicorn
>With wings!
>And right now you had a winged apple god chasing you through the air at high speeds
>Speeds that SHOULD have been impossible for the boulder-sized apple if you looked at the laws of Aeronautics and--
 
ZING!
 
>You yelp as a bolt of white magic shoots right above your head
"MOTHERBUCKER! STOP. SHOOTING. AT ME!"
>And since a giant flying apple was trying to kill you in the fly, and since you both were flying, it looked like all of those flying techniques in the books were going to be put to good use
I WILL FLAY THE SKIN FROM THY BONES!
>...So if those books were useful than maybe that one you read about how to make paper mache teddy bear might help you in the futur--
THOU CANNOT RUN FROM THE GREAT APPLE, WELP! MY STEM IS LONG REACHING AND MY VENGEANCE IS ETERNAL!
>Oh yeah
>You had a flying apple trying to kill you
>...You should probably be focusing on that and not that dumb shit about useless books that you've read over the years....
>Yeah, that'd probably help
"HEY!... WHY DON'T YOU GO BUCK YOURSELF!"
>With a mighty flap you rise into the air before tucking your wings against your sides
>Your momentum takes your up a little farther before you feel gravity grab ahold of you and start to pull you back down toward the earth
YOU WILL NOT BEST ME, TWILIGHT SPARKLE!
>The apple boomed, speeding toward your quickly slowing down form
CEASE YOUR STRUGGLES AND I SHALL MAKE YOUR DEATH QUICK!
"Comeoncomeoncomeoncomeoncomeon!"
>Hurry the buck up gravity!
>You bitch!!
>As you begin your descent to the ground you tuck your legs in to give you just a bit less wind resistance
>Alright
>Lets do this
>Time to wreck shit!
>The wind whips at your face as your body falls, the wind stinging your eyes as you quickly pick up speed
>Out in the distance you could see the black cloud covering the town
>A bit above that you could see the unicorn mountain range and Canterlot in the center of it standing atop the highest mountain top
>For some reason, as you're fall toward the earth, you couldn't help but wonder how your parents were doing
DIVING INTO THE CLOUDS WILL NOT SAVE YOU CHILD! THERE IS NO BARRIER ON THIS OR ANY OTHER WORLD THAT I CANNOT SEE THROUGH!!
>It HAD been a while since you've seen your mom or dad
>Maybe a bit too long
>...You know what?
>After this was all over you'd get Spike to send them a letter to see how they were doing...
>No
>You'd take Spike up with you to Canterlot so you could visit mom and dad
>You bet dad would like that
>The apple, seeing you falling, quickly dives with you, trailing behind as it fires more bolts of death your way
>Which was another odd thing because you couldn't see where the hay it was casting
>Usually you'd need a central point of focus for a spell (i.e. a horn or a staff or the tip of a finger) but with this apple it looked like it just fired its spell out of nothing!
>Which was really interesting given the--
 
ZING!
 
>Oh
>Oh right
>You needed to DODGE the bolts that would probably kill you if they so much as grazed you so that you didn't DIE
>You know, like the book said!
>Keeping your wings tucked in tight you awkwardly weave randomly through the air as best as you can, dodging bolt after bolt that flies your way
>Come on... come on...
>Just a little more...
>You were going to look so cool if you pulled this shit off...
>Like a missile you fly down through the black clouds (keeping your mouth closed so you don't get a mouthful of whatever they were made out of) and toward the ground, where the mother of all battles appeared to be happening
>There were armored mares as far as the eye could see
>So many that they spanned almost the half the bucking town
>And Ponyville wasn't a small bucking town!
>Some of them were carrying shovels
>Others were carrying weapons of war
>Even over the screaming of the wind in your ears you could hear the army-- maybe one of the biggest ever seen on Equestrian soil-- yelling, cheering, singing war songs and screaming prayers
>You don't think you've ever seen this many ponies in one place before...
>Certainly not like this at least
>This mob, this army, this... sea of ponies looked like they would be able to sweep over any obstacle that dared oppose it
>It was a giant beast
>Unmoveable
>Savage
>unstoppable
>A force of nature itself
>And anypony trying to stop it should have been swept aside like they were nothing
>Should
>You said should
>Because, there, in Anon's yard, the mighty beast was finding itself stopped in its tracks
>Though he was barely a dot from where you were you saw Anon, not a few feet from his hole, fighting like his life depended on it
>Which, in retrospect, it probably did
>Though the mob below you moved and swelled and charged toward that hole not a single one of them seemed to make it
>They were either tossed away, or beaten down then tossed away, or hosed down and beaten down then tossed away
>You can't help but smile in excitement at the thought of your hopefully, maybe, sweet-Celestia-above-please-please-please soon to be coltfriend fighting all of those mares down there and WINNING
>WINNING!!!
>Heh
>It looked like you found yourself a warrior prince like the ones in your fantasy (dork) novels (and self-written fanfiction of said novels)
>Wonder if--
 
Zing! Zing!
 
"EEP!"
>Another bolt of magic flies by your head
>Like so close that you could smell the fried air particles
SO YOU SHALL NOT FACE ME? YOU WISH TO RUN? VERY WELL! I SHALL RIP OUT THY SOUL AND FORCE IT INTO AN APPLE TREE YOU WRETCHED COWARD!
>OHBUCKINGSHIIIIIT!!!
>The winged apples attacks seem to increase the closer you get to the ground
>Bolts fly through the air in such heavy concentrations that it might as well have been rain
>Eventually the only thing you can do it dodge and pray that one of his magic missiles doesn't hit you by chance
>COME ON!
>You couldn't die now!
>You still had to beat this thing and get your kiss from Anon!
>He had said that he was going to smooch you and everything in front of a bunch of ponies!
>So you COULDN'T mess this up!
>The ground seems to racing up towards you as the seconds tick by, the houses and ponies below becoming sharper and more pronounced as you fly downward
>You're moving so fast that you've had to close your eyes to keep the wind from bucking them up and, if your calculations are correct, you're going fast enough to nearly break the sound barrier
>A speed that most pegasi didn't dare go because normally their bodies couldn't take it
>If you were a normal bird horse the moment you tried to open your wings at this speed they'd be ripped off you faster than you could spit
>Which you'd imagine would hurt
>A lot-lot
>Luckily for you you were NOT a normal bird horse
>You were an alicorn
>And being an alicorn meant that your body was quite a bit more durable than a normal pony's body
>And it also helped that you had magic on your side
>Magic that you neededtousenowbeforeyouhitthegroundanddied!!!!
I SHALL CRUSH THEE, WORM! THOU SHALL BE NOTHING MORE THAN PASTE ON THE GROUND IN WHICH I SHALL GROW MY CHILDREN ON!!!
>Your fur stood on end as you felt a massive amount of magic being built up behind you
I PROMISE THAT THOU SHALL NOT EVADE THIS ONE, PUP! NOW DIE!
>Alright!
>It's now or never!
>Timetodothis!!!
"AWWWWWWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!"
>Now screaming at the top of your lungs you unleash the magic that you had been gathering since the beginning of your little fall into a series of spells that would hopefully save you from becoming a pony pancake and make you look really cook and alpha mare material at the same time
>Firin'thrustersCap'n!
>Light explodes off of your horn and your vision blurs for a second as you cast your spells in quick secession
> It takes a few seconds, but soon you feel tingling all over your body
>Tingling that quickly turns painful
"AURGH!"
>Bars of magic encase your wings
>Wings that, as the seconds passed, grew to an utterly massive size
>OhmygoshthishurtsmorethanIthoughtitwould!!!
>Adrenaline and pain spurring you onward, you throw a quick prayer to anypony listening and unfurl your wings
>Don'tfailmenowmagic!!
>Vertigo makes your stomach do flips and puts your lungs in your throat as your body violently slows down before you flap your wings
>The bones in your wings groan in protest but they don't break
>They withstood a force that you weren't even going to bother calculating
>Now it's time to see just how strong these puppies are!
>GOTTAGOFAST!
 
ZIIIINNNNNGGGGGGGG!
 
>Moving so fast that it feels like your eyeballs were in your colon, you fly above the winged apple just as it launches a storm of magic right here you had been a moment ago
>...Owowowowowowowo
>Gritting your teeth you quickly charge up another spell
"YOU MISSED YOU DUMB HUNK OF FRUIT!"
>Almost faster than you could see the apple spins around to face(?) you
HOW DID--
>Not giving it a chance to say a darned thing you launch a fireball at it
>The apple's wings flap desperately to dodge your attack but it may as well have been moving through honey
 
BOOM!
 
URGH!
>The apple cries, flying backward
YOU DARE--
>Moving faster than most ponies could dream about you close the distance between you and the apple
"SO NOW IT'S MY BUCKING TURN!"
>Your magically toughened hooves connect against the apple's shiny hide with another boom and with a flap of your wings you start to force it downward
>The apple's magical bolts fly over your head as you flap your wings as hard as you can, driving the apple down toward the cold, hard ground
>Realizing what you were trying to do, the apple tries to do a barrel roll to make you slide off the things but you had prepared for that, simply slowing down a bit, letting it do its roll, and slamming right back down on it
STOP... THIS... AT... ONCE!
>You were going to turn this bucking thing into the worlds biggest batch of applesauce!
>Nopony gets away with trying to murder Twilight Sparkle!
>Nor do they get away with threatening Anon!
>YOUR ANON!
I SAID STOP THIS AT ONCE YOU--
"JUST SHUT THE BUCK UP AND GET SMASHED ALREADY!"
>Letting your magic flow through your body you give the apple one last hard buck
 
BOOM!
 
>A sonic rainboom rips through the sky as the apple flies toward the ground
>And into a hou--
 
BOOOOOOOOMMMM!!!!
 
>...
>...
>...
>...You really hope that there was nopony in that house
>...Or in any of the houses around THAT house
>Cause that would have been bad
>Really, really, really, really BAD
>..Maybe the next time you kick something so hard that it breaks the sound barrier you should do it in an area that's a little less... populated?
>For safety reasons and all that?
>...Yeah...
>You really need to remember that next time...
>Flapping your giant wings (which looked pretty AWESOME by the way) you take a moment to survey the damage you caused
>...
>...
>...
>Well...
>Shit...
>It looked like you might have knocked down a whole block
>...But on the bright side you had kicked the winged apple through the houses and not where all of the ponies were standing around
>So at least that was something right?
>...
>Maybe you should have thought through that plan a little--
HUMPH, IT APPEARS THAT I MAY HAVE MISJUDGED THEE, YOUNG TWILIGHT SPARKLE
>Your eyes widened in shock
>Wait
>There was no way that--
 
ZING!
 
>You cry out in pain as a bolt of white magic comes flying out from the ruined part of town and hits one of your massive wings
>You fall out of the sky for a few dozen feet before you manage to catch yourself in the air
"...OW..."
>Gritting your teeth, you quickly use your magic to heal your damaged wing
"How the hay did you--"
>Dust and debris go flying as something comes flying out of the ruined buildings
I HAD COME INTO OUR FIGHT EXPECTING I FACED A CHILD THAT DID NOT KNOW HER WAY AROUND A BATTLEFIELD
>You yelp in surprise as the winged apple, with not a single scratch on it, just... appears in front of you
>With another yelp you flap your wings, distancing yourself from it
>HOW WAS THAT BUCKING THING STILL MOVING AROUND?!
>YOU KICKED IT HARD ENOUGH TO BREAK THE SOUND BARRIER!
>The apple floats into the air, regarding you with... whatever the hay that it was looking out from
>If that thing had a mouth you were SURE that it'd be smiling
IT APPEARS THAT I HAVE QUITE THE WARRIOR STANDING BEFORE ME. A WARRIOR THAT I HAVE DISRESPECTED IN MY ARROGANCE
>The apple dipped its body toward you
IF I HAD KNOWN THAT I HAD A FIGHTER IN MY MIDST I WOULD HAVE NOT HELD BACK AS I HAVE
>Wait
>THAT THING'S BEEN HOLDING BACK THE WHOLE TIME?!
>What kind of bullshit is that?!
THAT IS A MISTAKE I WILL RECTIFY AT ONCE!!!"
>There was a flash of light that forced you to cover your eyes
READY YOURSELF, TWILIGHT SPARKLE! FOR I SHALL COME AT YOU WITH EVERYTHING I HAVE!!!
>You gulp as you open your eyes to see what the apple had become
>...
>...
>...
>Double shit
"...Actually, would you mind holding back some more please? I'd appreciate it since--"
READY THYSELF!
>Oh buck you right up the buckin--
 
BANG!
BE ANON
>"KEEP PUSHING GIRLS!"
>"JUST A LITTLE BIT MORE AND WE'LL GET'EM!"
>"THAT HOLE'S OURS MONKEY MAN!"
>And things were starting to get pretty fucking rough
>After that apple... thing appeared and gave the crowd that little pep talk the army of mares had come at you with a zealous-like ferocity
>It took a bit longer to beat them down with your noodles
>They no longer flinched as you tossed one of their number through the air
>They didn't even bother trying to move out of the way of Bon Bon's hose of death
>Hell, your screaming and shouting wasn't even doing anything anymore!
>You were fighting a new breed of little horse
>And, at that moment, things weren't looking good
>"ANON YOU NEED TO KEEP THEM OFF ME!" Bon Bon, yelled, booting a mare in the face before weaving under a pool noodle
>You grunt as no less than five mares launch themselves at you, nearly knocking you on your ass as they pounded you with hoof and noodle alike
"I'M A BIT FUCKING BUSY HERE MYSELF, BONNIE!" you scream, ripping the little horses off of your body as quickly as you could and throwing them out of your yard
>Lyra, who had to summon up a bunch more fly swatters to deal with all of the new pegasi flying around in the air yelps as she dodged a noodle swung at her
>"ANON! WE NEED TO FIGURE OUT SOMETHING SOON 'CAUSE MY MAGIC'S GONNA RUN OUT EVENTUALLY!" mint pone say, her coat matted in sweat and her mane frazzled
"JUST KEEP FIGHTING! IF WE KEEP FIGHTING THEN--"
>"SHIT!" Bon Bon screamed
>Whacking another little horse with your noodle so hard that you swear you saw one of her teeth fly out of her mouth, you look over to see what the hell Bonny Buns was on about
>You had expected that one of the little horses had finally managed to hit her or tackle her to the ground or something like that
>What you saw was a hell of a lot worse
>The water from the hose wasn't coming out as powerfully; in fact it looked...
>Shit
>SHIT!
>SHITSHITSHITSHITSHIT!
>"THEY GOT AT THE BUCKING FAUCET AND TURNED THE HOSE OFF!" Bon Bon screamed in anger, watching as the hose's water trickled down to nothing before throwing it down in disgust
>Seeing that that they weren't about to get a jet of water to the face, a group of mares charged Candy Butt with a terrifying roar
>Heh
>She's definitely gonna get the cunt ass of her's--
>With a very un pony-like snarl, Bon Bon launched herself forward the group
>Now...
>You really couldn't explain what she... DID to them
>...You saw a bunch of flipping and spinning and you swear to god above that Bon Bon hit one of the ponies with this blue spinning ball... thing
>And then something like a small explosion went off and a smoke cloud surrounded them all ...
>You know?
>Eh, what the fuck ever
>All you know was by the end of it there were a group of mares laying around the panting angry little horse
"... WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?!"
>With a back flip (the fuck?...) Bon Bon is right back to your side
>"DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT!" she yelled, getting into this weird, horse kung fu stance. "WE GOT COMPANY INCOMING!"
>Company?
>What the hell ohmygodheretheycomeagain!
>The next few minutes are a flurry of noodles, hooves, and you tossing what felt like a MILLION fucking ponies through the air
>Somewhere during this intense, pain in the ass of a fight, you had lost both of your noodles once again, forcing you to use your hands to slap around the horses
>Bon Bon seemed have to picked up a noodle, her coat matted and her breathing ragged, and was fucking EVERYTHING around her up
>Lyra looked like she was ready to kneel over, more and more of her fly swatters falling to the ground as she was forced to conserve more and more magic
>You weren't doing any better
>Your body was REALLY starting to ache
>And with each tackle and each hit you found yourself recovering less and less
>Shit
>It looked like your three man army was going to be overwhelmed
>You put up one hell of a fight but the enemy was too numerous and too determined
>Though it had looked like you were going to pull out in the beginning it had turned bad and there was nothing that you'd be able to do about it...
>But that didn't mean you were gonna go out like some fucking BITCH!
>FUCK THAT!
>If you were going out right now you were leaving this world the way you came in it
>Being a general nuisance and a bother to everyone around you!
"COME ON, YOU CUNTS!" you scream, throwing punches, throwing out kicks, tossing your body weight around, doing everything to fight back and keep the mob at bay. "I STILL HAVE A HELL OF A LOT OF FIGHT IN ME!"
>"Not fer long ya don't!"
>Your pupils dilate as you hear that FUCKING voice
>A voice that easily carried across the battlefield
>A voice that had that country twang that made you twitch
"Fucking... Applejack..."
>And lo and behold there was the silly pony herself, not five feet from you with a paddle in her mouth
>The mob, seeing that their leader was ready to join the fray, parted for the mare
"And what the fuck do you think you're gonna do with that, Apple horse?" you growl
>Tree Kicker grins
>I remember sayin' somethin' about puttin' ya over my knee and teachin' ya some manners," she said around the handle in her mouth
>You find yourself growling as she takes a step toward you
>"An' I mean ta do it with this here paddle."
>She pats one of her legs
>"Now why don't ya come over here and take yer medicine like a good stallion?"
>Some of the mob jeers at you as you look at Applejack
>Dis...
>Dis here little nigga was playing with forces beyond her control
>Ain't nobody paddling Anon. Y Mous
>Not your fucking dad when you were little, not your mom, not your teachers, and not this here little FUCKING HORSE RIGHT HERE!!
>With teeth bared you flipped Appul hoers the bird
>She doesn't know what it means but it makes you feel a bit better
"Why don't you fucking come here and make me you fucking apple humper?"
>The smile on Applejack's face vanishes
>"Ya best watch yer buck--"
"Fuck off the end of my dick, Applejack, you apple-themed cunt."
>Everything's silent after that
>No one moves a muscle
>You and Appulz glare at each other, not blinking, not turning away
>Bon Bon hands you a pool noodle that she got from fuck knows where
>Appulz kicks at the dirt
>You ready yourself for her charge
>Wait for it...
>Wait for it...
>Waaaaaiiiiitttttt fffffooooorrrrr iiiiittttt.........
>NOW!!!
>The two of you launch yourselves forward
>"AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!"
"AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!"
>Applejack cocks her head back while you ready to swing your noodle
>You had to hit the bitch first!
>If you didn't hit her first she'd fuck you up with that paddle!
>Like fuck up fuck up!
>Cause it was real wood and shit!
>So if you just stunned her and you manged to grab--
 
BOOOOOOOOM!!!
 
>Both you and Applejack, not five feet from each other, skid to a halt as a purple blur flies through the air so fast that there's an air cone around it
>Whatever the hell it was arches in the air before it started to fall down toward...
>OHFUCKINGSHIT!
>Spinning around so fast that you nearly give yourself whiplash, you run back toward your hole as fast as your legs can take you
>Applejack, seeing where the blur was headed, and seeing just how fast it was going, dropped her paddle in panic, spinning around and looking at the mob
>"GET OUTTA THE WAY, YA'LL! IT'S COMING RIGHT FER US!"
>Not looking back you scoop both Lyra and Bon Bon into your arms, ignoring their cries of shock, indignation, and protest, and hopped into your hole
>Ponies are climbing over each other to get out of the way, shouting in panic as the blur grew ever closer
>Along with the air cone you could see, at it's edges, the blur looked like it was on fire
>And if you knew anything about anything you knew that whenever something had flames on it, be that real flames or flames painted on, it was going pretty, really, terribly, fast
>And stick a carrot up your ass and call you the Easter Bunny if the fucking thing wasn't about it hit your fucking yard
>...God fucking damnit...
"GET YOUR HEADS DOWN!" you scream, grabbing the two little mares in your arms, sitting against the wall of your hole, and holding them close. "THAT FUCKING THINGS ABOUT TO--"
 
BOOOOOOOOM!
POP!
 
>You held onto Lyra and Bonnie, shield them as best as you can, as the ground shook above you, throwing rock and dirt everywhere, the second that thing hit the ground
>The boom that it made was so loud that if you hadn't been hiding in your hole your eardrums probably would have exploded
>Everything's gonna be fine old boy...
>Just keep hiding in your hole until the earth stopped fucking shaking...
>Your hole wasn't going to collapse and kill you
>And the earth most certainly wasn't going to open up and swallow you all
>And just ignore the sudden wetness in your pants...
>You can just blame it on Bon Bon after this was all over...
>Stay calm, stay calm, STAY CALM...
>You don't know how long the earth shakes, or if anyone that wasn't in your hole was alright, or if your fucking house was still intact, but, eventually, the ground stops shaking and your ears stop ringing
>It takes a bit longer for you or the little horses to stop shaking but eventually you find yourself sitting at the bottom of your hole, your pants soaked in what was DEFINITELY not your own piss, with Bon Bon and Lyra holding onto you like their lives depended on it and their muzzles buried in your neck
>"...Anon?" Lyra finally says after a few minutes of everything being silent
>You crack open an eye to look at the dirt-covered and frazzled little horse
"Yeah?"
>"Are you alright?"
>Despite the situation you couldn't help but snort, giving the mint pone a scratch under the chin with a shaky hand
"Yeah, I'm alright."
>You look up out at the sky above your hole
"But I'm not sure about everything that's up there."
>Lyra's golden eyes look over your face before she looks up at the sky with you
>"I'm sure everyponies alright..."
"Yeah... I'm sure too..."
>Feeling particularly generous, you give Bonnie Bun's chest a scratch as you and Lyra go quiet again
>Huh...
>It sounded pretty dead up there...
>Hopefully no one died on your lawn...
>You really didn't want to somehow get sued over this...
>Still looking up at the sky, Lyra lays her head on your chest
>"...Anon?"
"Yeah?"
>"What do you think's up here?"
>She looks back at you
>"I mean what do you think crashed?"
>You give the little horse another scratch to keep her calm while you hum thoughtfully
"I really couldn't--"
>"Did you pee your pants?"
>Doing your very best not to flinch you look over at Bon Bon, who's glaring at you
"...Come again?"
>Disgust fills the earth ponies face as she wiggles in your lap
>"I said did you pee your pants?" Bon Bon snapped. "Your pants are wet and I sure as hay did--"
>Timetonipsthisinthebud!
>With a gasp you push Bon Bon off of you
"Bon Bon, you sick fucking horse! Did you fucking pee on me?!"
>Lyra gasped as you looked down at your wet pants
"Lyra, look at this shit!" you yell, pointing at your pants before pointing at Bon Bon. "Bon Bon over there peed ALL over me!"
>Lyra looks at Bon Bon with wide eyes as Bon Bon growls
>"Anon! You know I didn;t--"
>"Bon Bon!" Lyra interrupts, wrapping her hoofsies around your neck and pulling your head toward your belly. "What the hay's wrong with you! Peeing on poor Anon then trying to blame it one him!"
>Bon Bon's eye twitches, and you very nearly laugh at the expression of disbelief on her face, before the candy mare stomps a hoof
>"Anon, you dumb bucking monkey! Don't you go and trying to blame that on my when you obviously peed your--"
>You bury your face into Lyra's belly with a fake sob
"S-She p-peed all o-over me, Lyra," you say as she holds you close. "S-She peed a-all over m-me a-and r-ruined my p-pj's..."
>Lyra gasped again, pointing a hoof at Bon Bon while you shake with laughter
>So sweet Jesus above look at Bon Bon's fucking face!
>Keks4daysson
>"On his bucking pj's Bonnie! ON HIS BUCKING PJ'S! Have you no shame?!?!?!"
>Bon Bon looks all around your hole, probably trying to find something to hit you with
>But was that a flustered look you spied?
>"I-I didn't, I couldn't I-I--"
>"...Ow..."
>The three of you freeze as you hear a voice coming from right above your hole
>"Anon, did you hear that?"
"Yeah, I heard it..."
>Gently pushing Lyra off you, and ignoring the big ol' wet patch in your crotch area, you slowly get to your feet
>That little horse up there sounded like she was hurt
>And, while you wanted these fucking ponies off of your property you REALLY didn't want to see them seriously hurt
>So, against your better judgement, and with a little help from both Bon Bon and Lyra, you poke your head out of your hole to see what was happening
>You were expecting one of the mares in the mob to be laying in a heap right next to your hole on fire or some shit
>What you weren't fucking expecting was Twiggy Piggy, all bruised and battered with her wings spread out wide on the dirt, laying not three feet away from your hole
>Behind her it looked like god's hand had come down on high and had dig a trench into the ground, starting from the other end of the street to your yard
>Dirt was everywhere, everything was on fire, the mob that had been in your lawn had fucked off a to the other street where Twilight here didn't drag her sorry hiester through the dirt at a violent speed
>But you weren't paying attention at all of that
>Right now you were focused on Twilight
>Scrambling out of your hole you run to the poor purple horse
>Holy hell
>You REALLY hopped that you wouldn't have to shoot Twilight now
>...Or did they have pone hospitals in Horseland?
>You honestly could remember at the moment...
>Hitting your knees you scoop the little mare up and set her head in your lap
"Twilight, TWILIGHT! Are you alright? Say something!"
>Groaning, Twilight's eyes slowly opened, her eyes slowly focusing on you
>"Anon?" she said weakly
>You nod, holding her close
"Yeah, yeah, it's me, Twilight. I'm here."
>She smiled , her eyes closing as she tucked her legs against her furry little chest
>"I'm... sorry but I couldn't... stop the apple," Twilight murmured as you did your best to put her wings back to her sides. "It was... too strong..."
THOU MANAGED TO SHIELD YOURSELF AS I SENT THEE CRASHING TOWARD THE GROUND? IMPRESSIVE.
>Looking up you see the winged apple hovering above you, a glowing aura coming off it's body, it's white wings now sparkling, and it's stem... longer?
>Did that fucking apple go fucking super sayian?!
BUT THOU LIE DEFEATED, TWILIGHT SPARKLE. EVEN THOUGH THOU MANAGED TO PROTECT THYSELF FROM THE BRUNT OF MY ATTACK THY MAGIC IS USED UP. I HAVE WON AND I WILL TAKE THE SPOILS OF WAR
>The apple regards (?) you
NOW RISE, ANONYMOUS THE HUMAN! YOUR ALLIES LIE--
>Something in your snaps, your vision turning red
>Gently pulling Twilight off of your lap you look over at Lyra, and Bon Bon, who had somehow managed to climb out of your hole
"I'm going to need you to get Narkle out of here."
>With a grunt you get to your feet and stare hatefully at the giant winged apple
"OI! FUCKHEAD!"
>The apple stops its monologuing (or whatever the fuck it was doing) and stares (?) at you
DO NOT INTERRUPT YOUR BETTERS, PUP! I--
>With a roar you launch yourself toward the flying apple
"YOU FUCKED UP!"
>The apple tries to back away as you race toward it, charging up some fuck-you-and-everyone-you-ever-loved magic to blast you to bits, but you're too fast
"YOU FUCKING FUCKED UP!"
>With another roar you launch yourself in the air and toward the apple
FOOL! I-- URGH!
>Your fingers dig into the apple's flesh as you grab ahold of it, causing the apple to take off high into the air
>Still growling and snarling and just being an angry motherfucker in general, you hold on tight to the apple as it spins around and bobs and weaves through the air, desperately trying to shake you off
"BECAUSE OF YOU MY YARDS NOW FUCKED UP AND ON FIRE AND ONE OF MY FRIENDS IS FUCKING HURT YOU CUNT!"
>The apple lets out another pained yell as you wrenched your fingers from the holes that they had put in the apple and drove them right back into a new spot
CEASE YOUR ACTIONS AT ONCE, CREATURE! I-- AURGH!
>You slowly start to climb the apple's body, your mouth frothing and your vision tinted in red
"AND I FUCKING BET YOU TOLD APPLEJACK AND ALL OF THESE FUCKING LITTLE PONIES TO COME TO MY YARD AND FUCK WITH ME, DIDN'T YOU?!"
>The mob of mares on the ground look like they're about to shit their collective pants as the apple fires off a barrage of spells wildly into the air
>Applejack in particular looks like she's about to faint
>"A-Anon!" she shouts up at you. "Ya leave the Great Apple alone, ya hear? Get yer fingers outta him and--"
"YOU THINK YOU'RE SO FUCKING TOUGH? WELL YOU WON'T BE SO FUCKING TOUGH AFTER I'VE FUCKING EATEN YOU!"
>The apple cork screws through the air, stopping suddenly before speeding up to incredible speeds
>Your legs dangle useless behind you but you don't need them
>Your hate stiffy will anchor you down
C-CREATURE! IF THOU RELEASES ME FROM THY GRASP THAN I WILL--YEOW!"
>You sink your teeth deep into the apple's apple-y hide, shaking your head back and forth before you rip a big chunk out of the apple
>FUCK. THE. POLICE!
>Spitting out the mouthful of apple you growl
"How about that you fucking cunt?!"
>With another ear-splitting cry, the apple slams into a building
>You let out a cry of your own, and you can feel something snap inside of you, but you manage to hold on
>You weren't gonna let go of this fucker!
>Not until it was in PIECES!
S-STOP THAT AT ONC--OW! CREATURE! I WILL LAY A CUR--OW! UPON THOU AND THY--AW! FOREBEARERS FOR--OW!"
>Applejack throws down her helmet as you keep taking big chunks out of the apple
>"Anon! ANON! YA BETTER QUIET EATING THE GREAT APPLE RIGHT NOW OR I'M GONNA GIVE YA SUCH A THRASHING WHEN YA GET DOWN HERE! I SWEAR TA CELESTIA!"
>The flying apple keeps slamming you against buildings but you barely feel it after the second or third time
>Your hate stiffy had transcended reality
>Where did this fucking apple get off flying and using magic and talking and shit?!
>You'll fucking teach it!
>You'll teach it good!
STOP--AW! FEASTING UPON--EEK! MY FLESH--OWOWOWOWOWOWOW!
>The apple dipped in the air, it's wings flapping weakly
JACK OF THE APPLES! MARES OF THE APPLE CLAN AND IT'S ALLIES! COME TO MY--
>Reaching up you paw for one of the apple's wings
"I'm... going... to fucking... fuck you.... up..." you grunt, your fingers straining as you paw at the apple's wing joint
>Almost....
>There....
>And...
 
SNAP!
 
>The apple lets out a pained shriek as you reach up, grab its wing joint, and pull on it with all of your might
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
>And just like that you're sent spinning toward the ground with this big fucking apple, holding onto it with all of your might
>HolyfuckingSHIT
>BRACEYOURSELFNIGGA!
 
BOOM!
 
>You're thrown off the apple and sent rolling as you and the apple hit the ground with a bone breaking amount of force
"Argh..." you groan, forcing yourself to a knee with a shake of your head. "I'm... not... done... yet..."
>Sweet Christ above that's gonna smart like a motherfucker tomorrow...
>And for a long while after that...
>Opening an eye you see Applejack's paddle, looking as good as new, right next to your foot
>Reaching down you grab it before turning toward the winged apple, both of its mighty wings bent at awkward angles and it's whole body cut up and bitten up and bruised
>Forthefuckinemperorwemarch.jnp
>You begin lumping toward it
>Seeing you advancing toward it the apple tries to weakly flap its wings
P-PLEASE, HAVE M-MERCY!
>You growl as you point the paddle at it
"I'm going to fucking hit you with this fucking this until you split in half you fucking prick!" you promise
>You didn't care that you vision was blurry, and you didn't care that you could see darkness at the ends of your vision you were going to go over there and--
>"AAAAAANNNNNNOOOOOOONNNNNNN!"
>Out of the corner of your eye you see an orange blur racing toward you
>If you weren't so fucked up you might have been able to dodge or roll or do SOMETHING to get out of the way but you honestly didn't know how you were still up and walking
>There was a good chance that you broke more than a few ribs when that apple slammed you into all of those buildings, your left leg didn't feel right, and you were pretty sure you had a concession
>So the blur that was Applejack was able to charge at you at full tilt and DECK you hard enough to knock you off your feet with a surprised grunt and send the two of you head over heel into your hole
>A wet crunch fills your ears and stars flash across your vision as you hit that cold, unforgiving earth face first
>Your vision starts to go black, and all of the rage that had been keeping you going for so long was starting to drain out of your body
>If you weren't hurt before you certainly were now
>And it wasn't a good pain
>...
>...
>...
>Welp
>It looked like this was it
>You were too hurt to continue and you were about to pass the fuck out because of the pain
>The spirit was willing but the body was too broken...
>...Heh
>At least you got some good hits in right?
>AND you fucked up some sort of apple god
>So that was something right?
>With a wheezing chuckle you let your body go limp
>Above you you see an orange blur moving back and forth and you can barely register that someone had rolled you onto your back and was now yelling something into your ear but you just ignore it
>Sorry little pone...
>Anonymous isn't in right now...
>Please leave a message at the end of the beep...
>Though it hurts you chuckle again, slowly closing your--
ARISE MY WAR BOY! YOU STILL NOT HAVE EARNED YOUR PLACE IN VALHALLA! YOU MUST FIGHT FOR ME UNTIL THE END!
>Your half-lidded eyes snap all the way open
>Was that voice...
>Coming from below you?...
YOU ARE DESTINED TO RIDE ETERNAL, MY WAR BOY! BUT NOT YET!
>You're not sure how you did it but you manage to roll your head to the side
>There, past the orange blur, something shiny and metal-y could be seen
YES, ANONYMOUS, IT IS I! YOUR SEPTIC TANK! THE ONE WHO YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO DIG UP TO FIND YOUR GLORY!
>You blink, a frown making its way into your face
"...What?... Septic tanks... don't talk..." you mutter
>Impossibly, you can hear the septic tank below you chuckle
THAT IS WHERE YOU ARE WRONG, MY WARRIOR! NOW ARISE! SHOW THESE PONIES THAT YOU ARE AWAITED! RISE AND FIGHT PAST THE POINT WHERE YOUR SOUL LEAVES YOUR BODY! SHOW THESE SIMPLE PONIES WHAT YOU CAN DO!
>You blink again, trying to get the dirt out of your eyes as your face scrunches up in thought
>Whoo
>You must be REALLY fucked up if you think your fucking tank's talking to you...
>...
>...
>...
>Eh
>What the hell?
>What's the harm in listening to it?
"...Am I really awaited in Valhalla?"
YOU SHALL RIDE TO VALHALLA, ALL SHINY AND CHROME MY WAR BOY! BUT FIRST YOU MUST RISE! RIIISSSEEEE!
>Though your mind is clouded with a haze of pain you couldn't help but think of what Immortan Tank just said
>What if...
>What if the tank was actually speaking the truth?
>What if you WERE awaited in Valhalla?
>Where you could drink all day and kick the shit out of other people while getting blown by Valkyries?
>That'd be FUCKING AWESOME!
>You could deal with an eternity of that shit!
>Your mind races as you feel a tingling all along your body
>Along with the orange blur you can see that a bunch of other blurs had hopped into your hole
>The hole that you had sworn to keep from the little horse menace
>The hole that you had fought tooth and nail to make sure that it was dug by you and only you
>The hole that had the Immortan tank awaiting you at the bottom!
>The tank that just promised you a one way ticket to paradise!
>The cool one, not that cuck Buhhda's paradise!
>Your body twitches as magic hits it, and you can't help but groan as you feel your broken bones and torn muscles mending and healing at an incredible rate
>Your arms and legs spasm and you can't help but smile
>The Immortan was right!
>Who else would use magic to heal your broken body other than the heroes of Valhalla?!
>This...
>THIS WAS A SIGN!
>YOU WERE DESTINED TO RIDE TO THE GATES OF PARADISE ALL SHINY AND CHROME!
>ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS BEAT THESE LITTLE HORSES!
>IF YOU COULDN'T DUG UP THE IMMORTAN THAN NOBODY COULD!
>YOU'D LEAVE ONE LAST IMPRESSION BEFORE YOU GO OUT HISTORIC!
>With a yell you hop to your feet, looking wildly around
>You can see Applejack, who looks horrified and scared and had tears in her little pone eyes, and a whole bunch of little horses around her
>Sniffling, Appul hoers looks up at you
>"A-Anon?"
"I LIVE, I DIE, I LIVE AGAIN!"
>The ponies in the hole jump as you scream out to the heavens, slamming your fists against your chest
>Past all of the ponies in YOUR HOLE, hidden under a mountain of dirt and something that had somehow managed to survive this shitfest, was your trusty pickaxe
>The pickaxe that had been your faithful companion since the beginning of this journey of yours
>And the pickaxe that was going to help you to put an end to this
>ALLLLL of this
>"A-Anon, please, ya hit yer head pretty darn hard. Lily Crisp over here did 'er best ta heal ya up but--"
"WITNESS ME, APPLE HORSE!"
>Applejack blinks in confusion
>"...Pardon? What the hay am I--"
>With a giggle and an explosion of confetti, Pinkie motherfucking Pie suddenly appears in your hole
>The little mare had covered herself in white flour and it appeared that she had painted a skeleton's mouth on her face
>"WITNESS!" she screamed, tossing a can of something at you
>Catching it you see that Ponk had tossed you a can of sprayable silver food coloring
>It wasn't chrome spray, but since there wasn't such a thing as chrome in horseland, it'd have to do
>Aw
>Thanks Pank
>I'll save ya a seat in Valhalla and find you a Valkyrie sloot to blow you too
>It'll be fucking cash
>With a deranged cackle you slam the can against your chest before spraying your mouth with the "chrome"
"WITNESS ME!" you shout again
>Ponk points at you as you push through the mares, who try to stop you but are too confused and disorientated to more than paw at you as you barrel through them, and reach your pickaxe
>"WITNESSED!" Ponk screams again, hopping up and down on her back legs. "WIIIIITTTTTTNNNNNEEEESSSSSSSEEEEEDDDDD!
>Though Appulz has no fucking idea what the hell's going on boy does she not look happy
>"PINKIE! Anon needs ta go get somepony ta look at 'em! He don't need ya comin' in here an--"
WITNESSED!
>Your septic tank roars as you push past the mares in your hole toward that bit of exposed metal
>Applejack follows your gaze, her eyes widening
>"SOMEPONY STOP 'EM!" she yelled, realizing what you were trying to do. "DON'T LET 'EM GET NEAR THAT THERE BIT O' METAL!"
>The group of mares begin to spur into action but by then it was already too late
>You were ready to get your dick sucked by big tittyed white women in the afterlife
>...And other races as well...
>You weren't picky
>And you were gonna SAVOR that dick suckin'!
>Almost as much as you were going to savor THIS...
>You backhand a mare as she crosses your vision, and you kick another as they try to grab your pickaxe
>You feel two of them tackling you but you don't even miss a step
YES! YES! GO FORTH MY WAR BOY! I SHALL CARRY YOU TO THE GATES OF VALHALLA MYSELF WHEN THIS IS ALL OVER!
>Huh
>The place where your shit goes was going to fly you to the afterlife
>...It's not the flaming Harley-Davidson that you wanted but you guess it'll have to do
>"ANON!" Applejack yells, trying to push past the group of mares to get to you. "ANON! THERE'S PROBABLY SOMETHIN' WRONG WITH YER HEAD RIGHT NOW! I NEED YA TA THINK ABOUT WHAT THE HAY YOU'RE DOIN'!"
>You take a step
>Then another
>Then another
>"ANON! DON'T YA DARE--"
>With one last shout, the last shout that you'd utter on this mortal plane, you raise your pickaxe above your head
"WWWWWWWIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTNNNNNNNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS MMMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
>"ANON DO--"
 
BOOM!
