Title:           Diggy Hole 3
Author:          LaPsbin
Pastebin link:   http://pastebin.com/8d7jHvZp
First Edit:      Saturday 22nd of August 2015 11:57:45 AM CDT
Last Edit:       Saturday 22nd of August 2015 11:57:45 AM CDT

>You take another bite out of your sandwich, wanting to give her a moment to think about the position she was in
>After a minute she just cocks her head at you
>"Did you need something? Cause I'm a little busy," she splashes around a little bit, "right now."
>She--
>What--
>Why was she--
"...Rainbow."
>"Yeah?"
"Get the fuck out of my bird bath."
>Rainbow blinks slowly before her face scrunches up
>"What? No!"
>She splashes around a bit more
>"I wanna splishy splashy!"
>...
>...
>...
>Nope
>You quickly finish your sandwich and put down your drink, taking a step toward the little horse
"Rainbow... I got work to do and I don't have time for this shit."
>Rainbow squeaks as you poke her chest
"So. Get. Out. Of. My. Fucking. Bird. Bath. For. Fuck's. Sake."
>Now, when trying to tell a little bird horse to get out of one's bird bath it could go two ways
>One: They would paw at your bird bath and make sad bird horse noises before leaving
>And two: they would glare at you, puff out their little chest spread their wings, make angry bird horse noises, and they wouldn't budge
>It looked like Rainbow was in the latter category
>"No! This is MY bird bath! I'm gonna play in it and there's nothing you can do about it!"
>She then proceeded to make this loud growling/purring sound that you suspected was supposed to startle other bird horses
>And you were sure that it was scary and all
>For bird horses
>But you weren't a bird horse
>You were a human that had was ready to stick his foot up Rainbow's ass
"...So you're not gonna get out of my bird bath?"
>"Nope."
"Even though I'm asking you real nice like?"
>"Naha."
>Rainbow yelped as you picked her up by the scruff of her neck
"Then I'm not gonna ask nice then."
 
BE TWIBRIGHT PURPLEHOERS
>What the hay is Rainbow doing?
>WHAT THE HAY IS RAINBOW BUCKING DOING?!?!?!?
>A bird bath? Really?!
>"Is something the matter, Darling?"
>You look up from your binoculars to look over at Rarity wide-eyed
>This wasn't good!
>Anon HATED it when Pegasi played around in his bird bath!
>You thought that you'd told Rainbow about that before!
>In fact you were SURE you had about her about it just the other day!
>Bucking three second attention span bird horses...
>Hey
>HEY NOW
>You might be upset Twilight but there's NO reason to be racists or stereotypical!
>Realizing that your little mental tangent was going on a little too long you focus back on Rarity
"Rainbow's playing around in Anon's bird bath," you say, placing your binoculars back into your saddle bag
>You honestly couldn't look at that... scene anymore
>...Bucking bird horses
>Rarity blinked before snorting in amusement
>"Oh? Is she now?" she said, a hoof coming up to cover up her mouth while she giggled. "Oh THAT is something I MUST see!"
>Rarity was about to paw at your bags but you gently pushed her away with a hoof
"No, we have to get Rainbow away from that house right now!"
>You must have sounded as panicked as you felt because your friend rolled her eyes
>"Oh come now, Twilight," she said with a wave of the hoof. "I'm sure that the stories of Anonymous finding Pegasi in his bird--"
>Rarity pauses mid sentence as a particular sound fills the air
>It was quiet, but you swear it almost sounded like... screaming
>Screaming that was getting louder and louder and--
>"Oh sweet Celestia! What is that?!"
>You gaze turns skyward, where a blue blur was zooming across the sky toward you and Rarity and Pinkie (who was STILL playing with the ball of her's)
>"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!"
>As the blur came closer you could JUST make out a rainbow trail behind it
"...Holy hay," you murmur, your ears pinning to the sides of your head. "I think that that's Rainbow..."
>Rarity looks up at the blur and then back at you
>"Rainbow? Why would she be--"
>From behind you you hear Pinkie giggle
>"Oooooh! It looks like we got a flying Dashie on our hooves!"
>With another giggle the party pony trots past you and Rarity and...
>Where the heck did she get a baseball mitt?
>Didn't they only play baseball in Labyrinthia?
>And why the hay is it so bucking big?
>...Bucking Pinkie...
>With a big smile on her face Pinkie (somehow) picks up the mitt and slips one of her hooves into it, getting up on her back legs with a little hop
>"It's all tied up here on the corner of Candy Lane and Hooves Street in the seventh inning! The bases are full and there's two outs and Pinkie Pie is in the outfield chewing her bubble gum and making dirt castles!"
>What...
>What the HECK is Pinkie talking about?!
>You and Rarity just sit down as Pinkie hits her mitt with a hoof
>Eyeballing Rainbow you do some quick math in your head
>...
>...
>...
>Yep
>Rainbow was definitely going to hit where Pinkie was standing
>And, while you really SHOULD use your magic to stop your friend's inevitable plunge to the cold, hard ground you decided to wait and see what would happen
>The craziness that was Pinkie had just left the train station
>And right now there were no brakes on this crazy ride that you found yourself in
"HAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPP MMMMMMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!"
>Pinki squats down and hits her mitt again
>"Ooh! It's a pop up! And it's coming toward Pinkie! All she needs to do is catch this and the Ponyville Party Ponies can go into overtime to win the game!"
>You can heard the sound of Rainbow cutting through the air as she flew toward you
>How the hay Anon was able to throw Rainbow this bucking HARD was something you'd have to ask about later
>Right now you had to sit back, not blink, and enjoy the ride
>TheRideNeverEnds.exe
>One second Rainbow might have been a hundred meters away from you
>The next second she was within twenty
>You could hear window rattling as Rainbow zoomed by them
>Carts and fruit stands were thrown around and upturned by her awe-inspiring speed
>You could see the disbelief and terror in her eyes when she saw the wall of leather that was waiting for her
>She opens her mouth to most likely scream something just as Pinkie giggles
>"And Pinkie races for the ball! Will she get it?!"
>Realizing that you and Rarity were in the line of fire as it were you quickly teleported both you and Rarity away from Pinkie so she wouldn't crash into either of you when Rainbow's force inevitably throws her backward and down the street like a rag doll
>But, knowing Pinkie, what was SUPPOSED to happen wasn't going to happen AT ALL
>"Thank you, darling."
"Don't mention it."
 
THUD!
 
>Rainbow lets out a grunt as she slams into Pinkie's mitt with enough force to shatter bone
>Though, once again, knowing Pinkie and her fuckery, your blue friend would be fine
>None of her organs would be ruptured
>No brain damage
>No broken bones
>Nothing
>Heck, Pinkie didn't even move an inch when Rainbow crashed into her mitt
>TfwSciencedoesn'thavealloftheanswers.jpg
>"Whooooo! Pinkie made the catch! PINKIE MADE THE CATCH!" Pinkie screams, lifting the giant mitt above her head while she made crowd cheering noises and did some silly little dance
>It looked like she was going to toss it onto the ground
>...Yeah
>No
>Frowning, you grab the mitt and levitate it over toward you and Rarity
"Rainbow? Are you alright?"
>You see Rainbow's leg twitch in the mitt
>"...Man, BUCK Anon..."
>Rarity cracks a smile
>"Well, it looks like SOMEPONY now knows not to play around in other's bird baths."
>You hear Rainbow growl from within in the mitt
>She shouldn't be able to growl
>Heck, like you said before, she shouldn't be BREATHING
>But buck it
>You're marking out
>Andtheeyesstarttoglaze.jpg
>"I swear to Celestia if he wasn't a colt I'd fly back there and smack him RIGHT in the bucking mouth!
>You use your magic to open up the mitt so a disheveled Rainbow could wiggle out of it
>Boy does she NOT look happy...
>Though, to be fair, you wouldn't be too happy either if somepony tossed you through the air like a hoofball
>Rainbow ruffles her feathers and looks down the street toward Anon's house, her face a mask of rage
>"You know what? Buck it! I don't care if he's a colt! I'm going to go back over there and give him such a--"
>Tsking, Rarity closes Rainbow's mouth with her magic
>"Rainbow! I'm ashamed of you!" she said, walking over and placing a hoof on the Pegasus's shoulder
>"I don't care WHAT Anon did to you! You know better than to lay your hooves on a colt!"
>Pinkie hops in between the two and does a little bounce in the air
>Yeah! And seeing how hard 'Nonny tossed ya Dashie I'm not so sure you'd be the one slapping somepony around!"
>Rainbow's frown deepened and it looked like she was about to say something when Pinkie darted forward, wrapping her up in a hug
>"I'm glad I caught ya, Dashie," Pinkie said, nuzzling her friend's cheek.
"I would have been real sad if you would have gotten hurt."
>The anger seemed to drain off Rainbow's face
>"...Yeah, yeah," she muttered, returning the hug. "I'm sure I would have been fine any way... but thanks for the save, Pinks."
>Both you and Rarity quietly aw at the little scene before Rarity trots away from you all and toward the human's abode
"Rarity," you call. "Where are you going?"
>Rarity looks over her shoulder at you and smirks
>"Well, seeing how thoroughly Rainbow failed--"
>"HEY!"
>"--Anon is certainly distressed. If we are to have any luck calming the poor colt down and get him out of that FILTHY hole in the ground somepony needs to go and sooth the savage beast as it were."
>The fashionista puffs her chest out and turns back toward Anon's house
>"And not to brag dears but I believe out of all of us I'm the most qualified in talking down fuming stallions."
>You open your mouth to protest but immediately close it
>Who the buck were you kidding?
"Well... good luck with that Rarity..."
>Though she doesn't turn back around you swear you can FEEL her smile
>"Thank you for the kind words, Twilight, but I shant be needing them. A lady does not need LUCK with a stallion."
 
BE ANON
>You're once again digging in your hole
>Though now you're in a bit of a better mood than you had been before your little snack break
>Tossing little horses through the air like footballs did that to a guy
>Not that you ENJOYED throwing them through the air like you did
>You actually DID like throwing them but whatever
>But someone had to learn these little pone's around hopping up on shit they weren't supposed to
>And besides, you've tossed like ten bird horses through the air like that and not a SINGLE one of them had gotten hurt!
>...Except Rain Cloud
>She ended up in the hospital...
>But FUCK her
>Breaking TWO of your fucking bird baths and laughing at you when you had demanded that she pay for them both
>She learned
>And so did Rainbow
>Hopefully
>Probably
>Maybe
>But if not you were more than happy to see if you could toss her ALL the way across town
>Stupid hyper light weight aerodynamic horses...
>Well you don't have to deal with anymore of THAT nonsense
>Today
>Now you could just dig your hole in peace without anyone and--
>"Oh ANNNNNOOOONNNN!"
>You pause mid shovel and sigh
>Why can't you just dig in without anyone bothering you?!
>Putting down your shovel you turn around and look up a smiling Rarararara, who was looking down at you from the edge of your hole
>"It's oh so lovely to see you! It's been ages darling!"
>You blink
"...I saw you yesterday..."
>She continued like she hadn't heard you
>"Anon, darling, why don't you get out of that horrid hole and let me take you out on the town!"
>"Anon, darling, why don't you get out of that horrid hole and let me take you out on the town!"
>She looked you up and down, biting her lip
>"You look SO stressed you, Darling! So angry! You need to take a breather and just RELAX!"
>Angry?
>Stressed?
>You didn't feel either of these right now
>Tired sure
>And more than a little bit bored
>But not angry or stressed or anything like that
>And you most certainly don't have time to be pissing around town
>You still had a fuckton of work to do
"I'd love to Rarity but I really need to get this hole dug for the septic tank that's coming."
>A septic tank that STILL hadn't fucking come in
>FUCKING. SEPTIC. TANK. PONE
>WHEN. WAS. THE. FUCKING. THINK. GONNA. COME IN?!
>Rarara lets out a ladylike snort, waving your remark away with a hoof
>"Come now, Darling! Life's too short to be doing such menial labor!"
>She looks like she wants to take a step toward you but then she remembers that you're in a dirt filled hole and you also happened to be covered in dirt and sweat
>Though she does her best to hide her distaste you can't help but smile when you see her muzzle scrunch up
>Aw
>Silly marshmallow pone
>Still smiling you pick your shovel back up and lean on it
"I'd love to go out with you and mess around, Rarity but we're going to have to go another day."
>If you worked out ass off today then there was a good chance you'd be able to finish digging this tank up and get the new one put in by tomorrow
>If the fucking then ever decides to fucking come in that is
>Then you'd be able to take the rest of week off and just be the lazy motherfucker you were
>Rarity bites her lip
>"What if I told you I knew a few mares that would be more than happy to dig up the hole for you, Anonymous?"
>....
>....
>....
>What the hell was she--
>Oh that motherfucker...
>You snort
>You didn't even need to think about the "few mares" that she was referring to
>It looked like appul hoers had ratted you out
>She never did like it when you did yard work by yourself
>For some fucking reason...
>You'd bet a bag of bits that dress horse (or Appul hoers more likely) had a group of mares around the corner RIGHT NOW
>Fucking super nice, helpful little pones...
"Oh? And who might these mares be?"
>"Why Twilight, Applejack, Pinkie, and I of course! Gentlemares such as ourselves saw that you were working your fingers to the bone and we simply couldn't let you work as such any longer!"
>You guffaw
"YOU'RE going to get down here and get dirty?"
>That was a load of bullshit with a capital B
>You can see her stumble a bit at that
>"Well... The other girls WILL," Rarara says with a light blush and a stomp of her off. "And I'd be more than happy to cheer them and manage everything so as to keep your yard as intact as possible!"
> 'Intact as possible'?
>THAT was a phrase that you didn't really care for
>Doing your best to clear off your dirty hand with your slightly less dirty shirt, you reach up and pat Rarity on the cheek
>As you expected she hopped backward with a look of terror on her eyes
>The silly little marshmallow clean freak
"I appreciate the offer, Rarity, but I'm still gonna have to say no."
>Wrenching the shovel out of the ground you once again start to dig
"I don't need you all running around my yard fucking shit up anymore than it already is thank you very much."
>And those four would do it to
>Not Rarity, since there was no way in hell that she'd pick up a shove
>But you KNEW Ponk and Twibright and Appul Kicker
>Even though they usually didn't mean it they were some pretty fucking destructive ponies
>Like REALLY destructive
>"...Are you sure darling? We'd all be more than happy to help. I for one cannot bare to see you digging out here by yourself with nopony helping--eep!"
>You can't help but smile as you throw another shovel full of dirt over your shoulder, damn near hitting Rarararara
>None too surprisingly, Rarity combat rolls away from the thrown dirt almost faster than you could see
"I'll be seeing you later, Rarity," you tell the huffing and puffing little horse behind you. "I gotta load more work to do and daylight's a'burning."
 
BE TWBRIGHTO SPENIO
>You can't help but grip your binoculars tightly as you watch the scene between Rarity and Anon unfold
>They're talking...
>And talking...
>And Anon...
>Tossed dirt at Rarity...
>And Rarity looks really mad about it and...
>Huh...
>It looked like Rarity couldn't talk Anon out of his hole
>RARITY
>The mare that made stallions swoon just by walking by!
>Horse feathers!
>And she was supposed to be the last solution if what you had planned didn't work out!
>But all of that got tossed right out of the window after the second part of the BUCKING PLAN!
>All Because Rainbow HAD to jump up on that bucking bird bath and play around like it was her personal swimming pool!
>And now that Rarity just WALKED over there now your plan was ruinedandnowAnonwouldnevergoonadatewithyouandhe'ddiefromdoingallofthisworkandtheprincessandyourmomwouldbeDISAPPOINTEDINYOUWHENTHEYWOULDYOUTHATYOU--
>Oh sweet Luna were you hyperventilating?!
>Are you seeing red?!
>WHY THE HECK DOES IT FEEL LIKE EVERYTHING'S CLOSING IN ON YOU!
>WHY DOES IT FEEL LIKE THE SKY'S GETTING CLOSER?!
>IT FEELS LIKE SOMETHING CRAWLING ALL OVER YOU!
>YOUCAN'THAVEANIGHTMAREIFYOUNEVERBREAM.can'twakeup!
>Calm down Twilight!
>CALM THE BUCK DOWN!
>You have to force yourself to sit down and close your eyes
>Just do your breathing exercises that Cadence taught you
>Breathe in
>And out
>In
>And out
"Whooooooo...."
>Taking a few deep breaths you use your wings to rub the sides of your head, the feathery appendages doing their best to relieve your growing headache
>...Alright
>Even though your plan went tits up you can still fix this
>The fat stallion hasn't sung yet
>All you needed to do is go over there, get Anon's attention, and hit him with some science
>Colts LOVED science
>...You think
>The second that Anon saw that you and the girls, and the whole town's mare population on general, respected the SHIT out of him (courtesy of the charts that you've taken the liberty of drawing up) he'd calm right down and you all would be able to dig up that septic tank for him without any more fuss
>With a new plan made you can't help but feel a little better as you wait for Rarity
>The fashionista comes into view a minute or two later, her face scrunched up in irritation and anger
>"The NERVE of that stallion! I offer our services to help the poor dear out and he throws dirt at me! DIRT! Never in all of my years have I seen a stallion do--"
>Your eyes can't help but glaze over
>Oh holy horseshoes
>Here we go
>Rarity is on another one of her rants that'll probably take an hour or three as she whines and complains about everything and nothing
>The mare might be one of your very best friends but whole SHIT was she a tom colt sometimes...
>...Alright
>More than sometimes
>But that was what you loved about her
>...No homo
>While you would have LOVED to just sit there and listen to her rant for an undetermined amount of time (insert sarcasm here) you had work to do
"Oh really? Huh. Naha! Get out!"
>Seeing that she had somepony listening to her (though you weren't REALLY listening of course) Rarity sinks further into her little whine fest
>Which allowed you to walk over to her, place a hoof on her shoulder, and gently guide her over to where Pinkie and Rainbow were sitting
"Yep. Yep. No! You didn't deserve that AT ALL!"
>You weren't even sure what you were saying was appropriate to the conversation
>But Rarity seemed to appreciate it all the same
>"--It wasn't like I was saying anything that would cause him to act in such a manner! I swear that--"
>...Alright
>Enough of that
>Back to ignoring and nodding
>It was better for everypony involved
>Both Pinkie and Rainbow stop whatever they were doing when they see the two of you walking over to them
>Trying to look as casual as possible you nudge your head toward Rarity before waving your hoof around your head and making a face
>The two of them look at each other before nodding
>In a flash Pinkie was gone, only to reappear a second later with two mannequins
>Since Rarity was so wrapped up in her bitching she wouldn't even notice that she was talking to two inanimate objects until she had calmed down enough
>That meant Pinkie could do... whatever she was going to do to help with this whole mess >You hadn't even bothered to tell Pinkie all of the plan since you knew that she was just going to go about it in her own impossible way
>And Rainbow could be your backup incase Anon wasn't too keen on seeing anypony else today
>You had JUST watched him toss Rainbow through the air like it was nothing
>YOU had no desire to share a similar fate
>Flying over to the two of you Rainbow grabbed Rarity
"Do whatever you're gonna do with that colt, Twi," she murmured into your ear. "If anypony here can knock some sense into him it's you."
"--I try to be the perfect gentlemare, Darlings! But sometimes it's so hard and--"
>Ugh
>Sweet Celestia flaming teats Rarity...
>Shaking your head your head you do a quick check to see if you had everything you needed for this little lecture of yours
>Did you have the portable chart board?
>Yep
>Did you have your charts and notes and pictures?
>They were in your right saddle bag
>Did you have paper and quills in case Anon wanted to take notes during the presentation?
>...
>...
>...
>Did REALLY bring extra paper for Anon?...
>God were you a nerd...
>A cute nerd but still
>Nottobragoranything.jpn
>The walk to Anon's house is a short one
>Two minutes and forty-three point two-three-four to be precise
>You can see Anon still digging his hole
>All dirty and sweaty and...
>Hey now!
>None of that!
>You needed to focus!
"Um, Anon?" you say quietly
>No Twilight!
>You needed to be more forceful than that!
>A stallion ALWAYS reacts more positively toward a commanding mare than a submissive one!
"YO ANON!"
>...
>...
>...
>Whatthebuckiswrongwithyou?!?!?!?!?
>Yo Anon?
>YO ANON?
>Why would you say something so stupid?
>Why didn't your brain stop your bucking mouth?!
>Why were you so bucking AWKWARD around stallions?!
>Ihaveascendedtosauceboss.autism
>Thesaucerises.jpg
>You can't help but cringe awkwardly, taking a few nervous steps back
>You're wings flair from your sides, and you had the sudden but overwhelming urge to fly away, never to be seen again, but you force yourself to stay put
>You had already bucked up now
>May as well try to go through to your plan and hope that it doesn't bite you in the flank
>...It was going to blow up on your face but you had to at least try
>For Anon
>Said human sighs, putting his shovel down and turning around
>"Now who the hell wants to--"
>He stops when he sees you, his eyes narrowing slightly
>"Twilight?"
>You find yourself sweating under his gaze
>Sweet Luna you better not be blushing!
"O-Oh, Hello, A-Anon!" you say, mentally cringing at your stutter
>Anon looks you up and down
>"When the hell did you start saying yo?"
>Your wings twitch and your whole body seems to stiffen
>You could hear the pounding of your heart on your ears as you shuffled in place
>You were desperately trying to keep your head above your own sauce
>But the noodles were trying to drag you down
>Everything you had wanted to say to Anonymous seemed to vanish so now you were racking your brain trying to figure out what to say and how to respond to him in a way that wouldn't make you look like a dork
>Your hooves were sweaty
>Your knees were weak
>Your wings were heavy
>Something, something, Dad's spaghetti
>Youhadtobuckingsaysomething!
>Youcouldn'tjustkeepstandingtherelikeaputz!
>Saysomethingdamnit!
"Y-You too..."
 
BE ANON
>...
>...
>...
>Alright then
>You just look at Twilight, who's turning so red and looks so embarrassed that you kinda want to get out of this hole and give her a hug
>So you do
>With a grunt you crawl out of your hole and walk over toward the adorkable, awkward little horse
>She takes a few steps backward and looks over her shoulder with the obvious intent to run but you're too quick
"Oh quit being silly and get over here."
>Twilight squeaks as you pick her up and give her a squeeze
>Her back hooves kick around a bit and she mads some panicked horse noises but soon she's returning the hug, her little hoofsies trying their hardest to wrap around your frame
>"...Anon?"
"Yeah Twi?"
>"You're really dirty."
>You can't help but laugh, patting the silly little horse on the back
"Well, digging for like eight hours straight does that to a guy."
>The two of you hold your hug for a little longer, you rocking Twilight back and forth and Twilight nuzzling your shoulder, until you set the little horse down
>Looking down at her you see that she looks a little bit better, though she's still as red as all hell
"You feel better?"
>Twilight looks away from you, kicking at the dirt
>"...Yeah... Thanks Anon..."
>Chuckling, you cross your arms
"Alright, so did you need something or were you just gonna shout yo and be one you merry way?"
>Twilight blushes even harder at the little jab but she manages to look back up at you
>"A-Actually I wanted to talk to you about something."
>She patted her saddle bags
>"I t-think you'll find it interesting!"
>Humming thoughtfully you look back at your hole
>Well...
>You COULD go for something to eat
>That sandwich might have hit the spot twenty minutes ago but that was twenty minutes ago
>Now you were getting kinda peckish again
>As long as we get something to eat first I'd be more than happy to hear you out."
 
BE ANON
>You know, there weren't as many diners, restaurants, fast food places, or what have you's in Ponyville as you'd like
>Sure, the little town didn't have more than a thousand little horses living in it
>But there wasn't even a fucking pizza place here!
>All there was was Sugarcube Corner, Laffy's Taffy Emporium (which was actually a pretty good mom and pop diner despite what the name would have you believe) and Hay's Burger Place
>Three places to eat
>THREE!
>And Sugarcube Corner was a place that pretty much sold baked goods; so unless you had one hell of a sweet tooth that place would get pretty fucking old REAL fast
>The other two places were hardly any better
>You couldn't eat most of the things on the Hay's Burger Place menu (what with most of it being hay based) and Laffy's Taffy Emporium was so god damned small that it was only once in a blue moon that there would be an open seat in the whole place!
>If you had the slightest inkling of how to business you'd have opened up Anon's Pizza and Strip club Hideaway
>Where one could get a large cheese peetzer and a pair of LX ta-tas waved in one's face if one so desired
>...Or whatever the pony equivalent of boobes were...
>Whatever
>But that dream had died when you had asked the Mayor how much it would cost to get a building permit
>...Fucking atrocious permit cost
>Taking your right to be your own boss and making a fuck load of money being a sleazy business man away from you...
>You can't help but grumble at the thought as you sipped on your cola and stuck another handful of french fries into your mouth
>Though you couldn't eat MOST of the shit at Hay's Burgers they still had potato fries on the menu
>And even though they didn't call them french fries, and even though they cut the fries into this weird lightning bolt shape you could still eat them
>So you did
>As you listened Twilot go on and on and on about... something
>You HAD known what that something was in the beginning, after Twilight had finished her FIVE burgers and set up a little stand and started putting charts and shit on the thing
>But then the little purple pone princess started to get a bit excited
>And when she gets excited she starts to use big words
>Like the kind of words that one only knew if they were looking to get their doctorate in something science-y or medical-y
>And since you only had a high school degree under your belt (East High 4 life) all you could do was sit there, eat your fries and drink your pop, and just TRY to understand the words that were coming out of Twilight's mouth
>You knew for a fact that at first she was talking about friendship and ponies caring about you and some such shit then she just went off
>"--So you see, if you look at this equation here under Nightingales' Polynema behavioral Diorama--"
>Doyouspeakenglishmotherfucker.wat
>One of the burger joint's many patrons leans toward you
>"Is that filly speaking Prench or something?"
>You shrug
"Probably."
>You look over at the other little horses that also happened to be listening to Twilight's little presentation
>Just like you every horselet in attendance was looking at Twibright with a mixture of confusion and awe
>They had no idea what the hell she was fucking saying
>And you'd bet the deed to your house that they didn't know what any of the charts or notes Twilight had given you all (apparently she had extra) said or meant
>But they were sure what she was saying was important in a friendship, life lesson-y sort of way
>And since this was most likely about friendship these little ponies, since they were ALL about friendship, had decided that they were going to sit here and listen to this so they could be better friends in the long run
>...Or at least that's what the mare next to you had said when you had asked her why the hell she was still listening to this
>You weren't sure if she was just fucking with you or what but...
>Ugh
>Man was this shit boring!
>You figured that Twilight was going to talk your ear off but you hadn't expected that it'd go THIS far!
>You had been sitting here for two and a half hours for Christ's sake!
>TWO AND A HALF HOURS!!!
>You enjoyed a little get together with your buddies as much as the next guy but this was going a bit too far for your liking!
>You had come here for a talk not a fucking lecture!
>Twilight saw you digging that hole of yours
>She should have known that you wanted to get back to it at some point!
>You don't blame her for her thoroughness or her dedication to... whatever she was talking about
>But you had work to do!
>And you kind of NEEDED to get back to that work
>Sometime today!
>You resist the urge to yawn as you take another sip of your pop
>The little mare next to you (one of the flower sister's you think) takes notice of your boredom and nudges you with a hoof
>"Anon? Are you alright there buddy?"
>"--And if you turn to page twenty-seven to look at graph D2 you can see that--"
"How do you think I'm doing?"
>The flower sister looks at Twilight then back at you, her widdle nose scrunching up
>"AW, come on, it's not that... bad."
>You just give her a look while you eat some more of your now cold fries
>The little mare's ears pin against the back of her head
>"Well... you know how the princess gets! Holy hay, I barely know the princess and I know how she gets!"
>She nudges you again
>"AND she's the Princess of Friend! So you should be honored that she cares enough about you to talk to you about it!... Even though nopony here knows what the buck she's saying!"
>You look at the little horse for a long moment before nodding slowly
>...You know what?
>This fun sized mystery horse was right
>It WAS nice that Twinought had taken time out of her busy schedule to come to your house and take you to an eatery and pay for your food (which you thought was awfully sweet) and talk to you about friends and love and caring and sharing and all of that biz
>No matter what people thought about Twilight she was a good friend
>One of the better ones that you've ever had
>Someone that you could go to and you knew she'd do her very best to listen to you or help you out
"You know what? You're right random mare!"
>Flower pone blinks
>"...It's Daisy Anon..."
>You slap her on the back just a bit too hard and nearly knock her out of her seat
"Of course you are!"
>Looking at Twilight to make sure her back's still to you you get up out of your seat
"Hey Daisy, do you want to do me a favor? While I do care that Twilight's trying to explain something to me... whatever the fuck it is I have to get back home and get some work done."
>The flower pone now known as Daisy just looks up at you
>"What? Are you talking about that hole you've been digging by yourself for the last couple of days?
>You nod
"Yeah, listen, when Twilight realizes I'm gone just tell her that I'm back at my house digging out that hole alright?"
>Flower pone's face scrunches up
>"So you're just going to leave when I just told you that you should care that your friend went through the trouble to set all of this, "she waves at the charts and the notes and shit, "for you?"
>All around you ponies are glaring at you
>It looked like a guy couldn't have a private conversation...
>Neb-nose little horses...
>You frown
>Hey now...
>If you phrase it like that you kinda sound like a piece of shit
>...Which was, in retrospect, was kinda true...
>But still...
"Hey! Don't you give me that look!"
>You boop her nose
"I gotta get that hole dug before my tank comes in! All of this friendship and care is nice and all but that's not gonna get finished by itself!"
>Daisy just looks at you, crossing her widdle hoofsies
>Pone's mad
>And she's silently judging you
>Judging you all over...
>You can't help but quietly groan
"Alright, alright... if you tell Twilight then I'll go down to your flower shop and I'll buy a fuckton of roses from you."
>The little mare's face softens somewhat
>"...I'll tell her if you buy the tulips. ALL of them. My sister's and I've been trying to sell--"
"Fine, fine! I'll buy your flowers!"
>"And you need to come and have lunch with me something!"
"Lunch? What for?"
>The little pone pokes you again
>"Because SOMEPONY needs to get out more and socialize with the ponies around him!"
>She crossed her hooves again
>"I mean come on! I live two doors down from you and you didn't even know my NAME!"
>Hey now!
>It's not your fault that all of these little horses look the same!
>...And yes
>You realize that sounds racist
>Butfuckittho.OGboy
>And when in the hell did the flower sister turn into such starch advocates of friendship?
>Weren't they supposed to be the town cowards?
>You just look at her for a little longer before nodding slowly
"...Fine, if you want to get all chummy with me then I'll go with you on this little lunch date."
>Daisy brightens considerably at your news
>"GREAT!"
>She waves toward the exit
>"Go and dig your hole then, you big stallion you!"
>Scrunching your nose up at the odd phrasing you look at Twilight one last time you quickly make your way out of the Burger Place
>Not because you were a bad friend
>But because you had a man on a mission
>...And you might have been sick of listening to shit you didn't understand...
>...Alright
>You WERE kind of a bad friend...
>But you'd fix that
>You Pinkie Promise!
>As soon as you finished digging out that hole of yours you'd take Twigly out and do friendship related things with her to make it up for leaving out of the blue like this
>AND you'll give her all of those flowers you just got conned into buying
>'Cause bitches LOVED flowers
>Especially horse ones
BE TWIBURGH STEERKLE
"--And that, Anonymous, is why you should let the girls and I help you dig out your septic tank!"
>You can't help but smile as you finish the final part of your presentation
>Though it was a little short and rushed you figured the message would help carry it through
>And the notes you'd given everypony probably helped too
>You take a deep breath as you retract the pointer that you had been using since part seven of your little powerpoint
>Sweet Celestia you hoped you didn't bore Anon...
>You might not have been a gentlecolt's mare even you knew most stallion's didn't care about science as much as you did
>BUT you HAD done your best to make what you had been saying as interesting as possible!
>So hopefully that helped and--
>"Whoo! Yeah princess! Great job!"
>Your can't help but gasp in shock when you hear the other ponies in the eating joint start to clap
>"That was... something!"
>"Yeah! I almost understood some of it!"
>"You... You made some great graphs your majesty!"
>Wait
>Ponies were clapping?
>...
>...
>...
>Ohmygosh!
>Was your powerpoint so good that you actually had normal, non science-minded ponies clapping to it?!
>Ha!
>Though it wasn't entirely professional, you couldn't help but hop into the air with glee
>You knew that your presentation would be riveting!
>Awe-inspiring even!
>Buck yeah!
>Who's the princess!
>You were! Yes you were!
>And this princess was going to be helping dig out her friend's hole within the hour
>Which would hopefully end with you asking him out on a date and him saying yes
>A girl can hope right?
>But enough about the future!
>Right now you wanted to bask in the present!
>You could see Anon's smiling and touched face now!
"Thank you, thank you everypony," you say modestly, turning around to see the bright-eyed and smiling faces of your adoring public. "But there's no need to--"
>Your eyes scan the room, and you see a group of ponies all clapping and cheering you on...
>But no Anon...
>Your smile lessens just a hair as you continue to look around for him
>Where did your human go?
>Was he in the little colt's room?
>You HAD been speaking for a while now and if you learned anything about stallions from you BBBFF you knew that stallions had bladders similar to an infant's
>Or maybe 'Nonny had gotten hungry again had gone to the register to order some more food?
>He might not have been able to eat much here (you had offered to take him somewhere else but he HAD said that eating here would be fine) but he seemed to enjoy the fries...
>As your adoring fans continue to clap and shout your name to the heavens a particular mare, one of the flower sisters, gets up from her chair and walks over to you
>"Princess? You wouldn't happen to be looking for Anon would you?"
>Your smile turns slightly embarrassed
>Was it really that obvious?
"Well... Yeah actually," you admit, rubbing your elbow with a hoof. "You didn't see where he ran off to by chance did you Daisy?"
>Though you bet he was going to walk right back in the dining area any minute now and demand that you re-say the whole last bit because--
>"Actually, he left a couple of minutes ago."
>...
>...
>...
>...What?
"What?"
>Daisy must not have heard the concern in your voice, a smile still glued to her face as she looked you up and down
>"Yeah, he told me to tell you that even though your speech was wonderful and great and stuff he had to get back home and work on that hole of his."
>Daisy puffed her chest out just a little bit while your wings drooped to the ground
>He had just left?
>Even after you had poured your heart out to him and these ponies up here on the stage that was Hay's Burger Place?
>...Why?
>Did you say something you shouldn't have?
>Was your speech a little too sexist?
>Did you dump too much science on Anon's lap at once?
>Your mind races while Daisy continues to speak
>Of sweet Celestia
>You MUST have put too much science in your presentation!
>Poor Anon must have run home with a nasty migraine from all of your big words and gotten confused about what he was saying!!
>...Or
>Or maybe there was another reason that he left...
>With dread making itself known in the pit of your stomach you look back at Daisy
"Daisy!" you practically yell, interrupting her. "Did Anon seem off to you when he left? Was there an odd look on his face or was he moving in an odd way or anything like that?"
>Daisy blinked before growing thoughtful
>"...I don't think so," she said after a minute. "He just kind of asked me to tell you where he had went and that was that."
>The mare's nose scrunched up
>"Well... actually..."
>You have to resist the urge to grab the mare by her shoulders and shake the information out of her
"Please, Daisy, there might be something wrong with Anonymous," you plea
>"When he left I kinda called him out on being a bit of a jerk leaving while you were doing your presentation..."
>Really?
>Aw
>That's really nice of her
>Putting hoes before bros...
>"And he got a bit defensive saying that he REALLY needed to get that hole of his dug."
>Daisy plops down onto her flank and crosses her hooves
>"He actually seemed like he really, really wanted to get back to it, which is weird considering how much normal stallions hate manual labor..."
>You listen to Daisy carefully, going over what she said again and again, trying to see how they fit in with all of this...
>Why would Anon tell Applejack that he didn't need your help?
>Why would he get mildly aggressive when Rarity told him that she had a group of mares at the ready to help him out?
>Why, after listening to your speech on why it's not sexist for a mare to help out a stallion, and why one should help a friend no matter their race or gender or beliefs, did he just up a leave?
>And if what Daisy told you was true, why the hay did he wait until near the end of the speech to get up and leave the building?
>If he really wanted to leave and finish up with that hole of his he could have just left in the beginning of your speech...
>...
>...
>...
>...Unless he WANTED to listen to it and something you said at the end that him away...
>...
>...
>...
>Oh sweet Cider!
>"Um... Princess? Are you alright there?" Daisy asked.
>You found yourself shaking your head
"No... no Daisy, I'm not alright," he say, the fur on the back of your neck standing on end
>The last thing you had been talking about in your speech was about friendship
>What friendship meant, why it was important, and how it help fulfill and enrich a pony's life
>You yourself had said how lonely Anon seemed to be most of the time
>How he would rather work or stay in his house than be out and about making friends
>Well...
>What if it was worse than you thought?
>What if all of the self-inflicted solitude was a cry for help?
>Maybe human's had to go the extra mile for their friends
>And when he saw none of you going that far for him Anon just shut himself off from the world?
>He WANTED to go out and make some guy friends
>He WANTED to start dating and maybe start or join a herd
>Heck, you bet your castle of doom that he WANTED somepony to help him dig that hole!
>But he just didn't know how to ask any of you or show you that he cared in a way that you'd understand
>And in his frustration he's unreasonable and believes that everypony is out to get him!
>THAT'S why he left at the end of you speech!
>He heard about all of the friends that most ponies had and how great it was, and, realizing (or thinking) that he didn't have any of that and that he was alone, he left because he was upset
>And that was why he wouldn't let any of you help digging the hole!
>He didn't think you were his friends
>...
>Hedidn'tthinkyouwerehisfriends!
>Now in full panic mode, you grab Daisy and pull her close
"Daisy! I need you to do me a favor!"
>"...Alright, but could you ease up on the--"
"There's no time for any of that! I need you to find your sisters, then the three of you can go and..."
 
BE ANON
>Walking through town whistling a little tune to yourself
>With your belly full of greasy fast food and your body slightly rested you were ready to dive back into digging that damned hole out!
>Like a baws!
>...Now you just needed to get there without tripping over some little horse
>Even though it was getting a little later in the day it looked like half of the town is out in full force at the marketplace
>And a full market meant crowded streets
>And crowded streets meant that what was supposed to be a brisk walk to your house had turned into a crawl
>Not that you were upset or anything
>You couldn't be mad at the pones for being up and about
>They were just doing what little horses does
>Feeling a little more social than usual you find yourself idly chatting with a little horse here and there while you walk
>But then you hear it
>That giddy, bubble sound that meant sanity was about to leave the building
>"'Nonny!"
>You watch as Pinkie Pie pops out of a flower pot the size of a shoe box, hops up onto a apple stand (which scared the HELL out of poor big Mac) then jumps off of it and high into the air before landing right in front of you
>"Hi 'Nonny!" Pinkie said with a bright smile and a cheery little bounce
>You make it a point to look up at the market full of ponies, all of whom had just witnessed what the hell had just happened
>And, like fucking always, not a single one of them batting an eyelash
>...Fucking Pinkie Pie
"...Hi Ponk," you say, not breaking your stride
>With that impossible smile still on her face, Pinkie hops along beside you
>The two of you walk along a bit before you decide to break the silence
>Though you were sure Pinkie was just popping out of shit to say hello just for giggles she MIGHT have something important to tell you
>You weren't hold your breath tho
"So... did you need something, Pinkeno? Or were you just trying to give me a heart attack back there?"
>Pinkie giggles
>"Oh you're such a silly, 'Nonny! If I wanted to give you a heart attack I'd have brought my death stare mask!"
"...Wha--"
> "Nonners! I have to ask you something super duper important!"
>You just look at the little pink horse with a small frown before motioning for her to continue
>She just keeps on hopping along with that big ol' smile of hers
> "Well, I was with Twilight and the other girls and we all heard that you didn't want any help with digging that big hole in your front yard so we tried to think of something to--"
>Oh god
>Here we go...
>You find yourself slowing down as Pinkie talks faster and faster and faster, until it didn't even sound like she was speaking words
>Sighing, you reach over and close her mouth with a hand
>This, of course, does not stop Pinkie from continuing to hop right next to you
>Nor does it imped you in anyway
>...Fucking logic-breaking Ponk...
"I need you to slow down and use english, Pinkie. Please."
>Pinkie giggles once again the second you
>"You mean Equish, Silly."
"I know what I said."
>Pinkie snorts in amusement before her face turns serious and she hops right in front of you
>Stopping you watch as the little mare looks at you in determination
>" 'Nonny, will you let me suck your dick?"
>...
>...
>...
>U fukin wot m80?
>Your eye twitches as a stallion not three away from you gasps in shock
>You could FEEL every single pony in the market turning and staring at the two of you
>You could have heard a fucking pin drop at the moment as every single little horse here digested what Pank just said
>And all Pinkie did was look up at you with her smile
>You awkwardly clear your throat
"Any particular reason why, Pinkie?" you ask as calmly as you can manage.
"This seems a little... out of the blue."
>Sure you could have just told her no and left the market as fast as your legs could take you
>But you were not the kind of guy that was bothered or embarrassed very easily
>Hell, back on Earth you had been arrested five times for extreme nudity
>...You can still see those girl scouts faces...
>That and you dad always taught you to NEVER refuse oral from any women, no matter what
>A belief that got him in a hell of a lot of trouble with your mother when she found your old man throat fucking her ninety year old grandmother sure
>But you had to, at the very least, admire dad's commitment to his principles
>His really, really fucked up principles...
>...Sweet Jesus was your childhood fucked up...
>Like unusually fucked up...
>Long-buried childhood trauma aside you may as well see what the fuck she was on about
>The pink part planner does this weird happy little wiggle
>"Well, I thought that since you wouldn't let anypony help you dig your hole you were grumpy or something, and usually when a stallion's that grumpy they're all pent up because they haven't put any baby batter in an oven or a gobbler."
>Ponk poked your stomach as another stallion near you up and passed right out
>The pussy
"So I thought if I gobbled up your lollipop you'd feel better and let us help you with your yard work, silly filly!"
>You stare down at Ponk for a moment, trying your very best to process what she said
"...Alright... so you want to blow me because you think I'm so mad about everything and anything?"
>"Yep!"
"And you think after I give you some of my fifty herbs and spices I'll feel better and let you and your little friends help me with digging up my septic tank?"
>"Aha!"
>Pinkie pokes you again
>"We're all worried about you, 'Nonny, and we want to show you that we all really care!"
>The crowd of ponies behind you aw's as your eye twitches
"...You want to show me you care... with your mouth?"
>Ponk nods
>"Yep, with my mouth!"
>That...
>That's...
>...Kind sweet actually...
>In a weird, eighties porno shoot kind of way
>But still
"Well, Pinkie that's real... nice of you, and I really appreciate that you'd be willing to go so far to show me that you care."
>You reach over and give her head a little pat
"But I'm good."
>Pinkie frowns
>"But!--"
"I'm not mad at the world or grouchy or grumpy or any shit like that."
>Pinkie cocks her head at you
>"Really?"
"Really, really."
>You give her another pat on the head
"Thanks for offering but I'd rather just go home and finish digging up my tank if you don't mind, Pinks. So if that's all you want I gotta be getting home now..."
>You hear a little horse from the crowd snort
>"Heh... What a scaredy colt..."
>You frown
>Oh
>Someone's talking shit eh?
>SmackyainthegabberIwill.jpn
>Your reaction was almost instantaneous
"Whoever said that I'm going to find where you live and fuck your mother while your dad watches! Then I'm gonna buttfuck HIM!"
>You try to scan the crowd for the shittalker but suddenedly every single little horse in attendance finds the ground to be the most interesting thing in the world
>...Huh...
>Some of them looked a little shook up
>But you had to harden your heart
>You had to be a bit tough on these little horses every once in a while
>If you didn't put your foot down they'd go ahead and walk all over--
>"U-Unf... C-Could you describe what you'd do to my parents? Or m-maybe what would y-you' make them wear?"
>...
>...
>...
>Nope
>Nada
>Noperino
>Not even going to go there
>Fucking weird, weird fetishizing ponies...
>Snorting, you give Ponk's head one more pat before turning to leave
>Huh
>You were a heck of a lot calmer and more mature than you thought you'd be for this...
>Your dad might be spinning in his grave that you just turned down a mouth hug and you might have just threatened someone in front of a bunch of witnesses (...you think?) but so what?
>You had shit to do and you didn't have that much time to--
>"...Er, about that 'Nonny... You might actually have not be happy with me and Applejack then..."
>You look down at Pinkie Pie and cock and eyebrow
>Applejack?
>Why would you be mad at appul bucker?
>She's not even here right now...
"What are you--"
>You stop, eyes narrowing
"Wait! Is fucking Applejack digging up my hole?!"
>Pinkie opened her mouth to answer but you were already sprinting down the street as fast as your legs could take you
>That little orange fuzball!
>She had NO right to be in your front yard
>Rummaging through your dirt
>Playing with your shovel and pickaxe
>That was YOUR hole to dig
>Yours!
