Title:           My Ice Cream
Author:          LaPsbin
Pastebin link:   http://pastebin.com/M7jchRTD
First Edit:      Wednesday 18th of November 2015 12:26:41 PM CDT
Last Edit:       Wednesday 18th of November 2015 12:26:41 PM CDT

"Are you two sure you don't want any ice cream?"
>Princess Cadence and Prince-Consort Shining Armor looked up at you with a pair of smiles
>They were nice, toothy and pearly white smiles
>There was no malicious intent on their faces, and their body language didn't suggest that anything was out of the ordinary
>They were smiling up at you not to mock or because they had to
>They were doing it because they wanted to smile at you, they wanted you to know the care they felt in their hearts for you
>The smiles that the royal couple were giving you was one filled with friendship and trust
>And you didn't fucking trust it one little bit
>You knew better
>Ohhhhhhhh did you fucking know better....
>"I'd love some, Nonny," Cadence said as the frozen treat horse passed you your large vanilla cone. "But I'm on a diet right now. So no ice cream for me."
>"And I can't have any because Candy wanted me to go on the diet with her," Shining chirps, patting his belly with a hoof. "I was meaning to lose a couple of pounds anyway. The Prince's life makes you a bit pudgy if you aren't careful!"
>Your expression doesn't change from the bemused, nearly irritated look that you had worn since coming to this ice cream stand
>So this was how they were going to be huh?
>Alright then...
>Reaching into your pockets you pulled out a bag of bits
>The same bag of bits that you had just used to buy the ice cream in your hand in fact
"I'm going to ask you two one last time, while we're here standing in front of the stand. Do you two want some ice cream?"
>Not breaking eye contact with them you shake your bit bag
"We're right here, I just want you two to remember that. And I'm offering to buy you guys ice cream. You can get whatever flavor, size and topping that you want. Then we can go sit by that tree over there and enjoy our treats."
>You point at the little horse sitting behind the counter
"She'll get you whatever you two want right now."
>Cadence giggled, covering her mouth with a hoof
>"Don't you worry about us you silly little filly! We don't need any ice cream!"
>You could feel a headache coming on as Shining walked over and nudged your leg
>"Yeah, what she said. But thanks for offering, Anon. You're a good friend."
>"The best friend that the two of us could ask for," Cadence added with a happy wing flutter
>You look at the little ice cream horse
>From the look on her face you can tell that she knew that these two little horses were full of the shittest shit that had ever been shat
>Just like you she was wise to their antics
>The three of you came down to this stand at least once a week
>You had a sweet tooth, and it got hot in the Crystal Empire this time of year
>And this ice cream stand made some of the best ice cream in the city
>So why not cool off with some ice cream and enjoy chatting with your two favorite horses?
>...Was what you had thought at first
>...But now you knew what was going to happen
>The same fucking thing was going to happen that happened every time this little pink horse and her little horse husband came down here with you
>And you were sick of it
>Alright
>To be fair you were KINDA doing this to yourself by inviting them each time but you still had a right to be mad dammit!
>THIS WAS YOUR FUCKING ICE CREAM!
>Frowning, you glared at the two
"I will BUY you two your own cones," you say, nearly growling. "I WILL buy your own cones with my OWN MONEY."
>This time Shining chuckles, nuzzling his wife's cheek before turning around
>His horn glows, and a pink aura tugs at your hand
>"Come on, Anon, let's go and get out of this heat."
>You and the ice cream pone share a look before you follow the prince toward the little oak tree that was a stone's throw away from the ice cream stand
>Give me strength, little ice cream pone
>Only you know my pain
>"You have a good day, sir," ice cream horse calls
"I'll try," you answer, your grip tightening ever so slightly on your frozen prize. "I'll try."
>Cadence's shoulder brushes against your leg as she walks beside you, the same bright little smile on her face
>You knew, just like her husband, lovebutt was happy to be out and about
>The Crystal Castle was cold and lonely even in the summer and you knew that both of them wanted to be out amongst their subjects
>Which was why you always made it a point to drag/force/carry their furry little asses down here every once in awhile
>And though they sometimes complained when you did it you knew they appreciated
>Which almost made the headache worth it
>Almost
>Though you're still frowning you bring your ice cream up to your face and have yourself a lick
>Hmmm
>That's the shit right there...
>Like he always does Shining sits to your left as you plop down onto the ground and lean back up against the tree
>And like she always did Cadence sat to your right, leaning against you and resting her head on your shoulder
>You always told her NOT to do that fucking shit, since, you know, if was like a hundred and ten degrees outside but she never listened
>Condense and Shiny here were a touchy-feely kind of horse
>If they weren't rubbing up against you or nuzzling you they'd jump up into your lap or just hop up onto your back and make you give them "human rides"
>And you didn't even want to fucking get into your bed situation...
>Eying them warily you began to tongue-fuck your ice cream like the dirty little bitch it was
>Yeah
>Get that shit all over my face
>That's the stuff right there...
>"So, Nonny, how's the armory been treating you?" Shining asked
>Wiggling against the tree to get a bit more comfortable you look over at cap'n pone
"Not as bad as I thought it was going to be," you say. "It's been a pain in the ass teaching all of those armory ponies how to use a power hammer but--"
>That was when you felt it
>The slightest pressure on top of your cone making your pinkie move just a hair
>Your head snaps over so fast that you see stars and you fucking GLARE at Cadence
>The Princess of Love smiles back at you, the picture of 'innocence'
>"I heard HeatStroke complaining about you bringing in all of of those thingamajiggers with you to help the armory out the other day," she said, trying to continue your conversation
>Your eyes drift over to your ice cream
>You couldn't see any out of place lick marks but you knew what you felt...
>You swear to god if you catch that little horse licking your fucking ice cream you were punting her back to the castle
"Heatstroke complains if I so much as sneeze in that fucking dump he calls a forge," you grumble, getting yourself another tongue-full of ice creamy goodness
>Lord knows how much more of it you'd have if what you thought was happening was happening
>Shining chuckles
>"You know if you were a little bit nicer to him Heatstroke wouldn't bust your flank all the time right?"
>You snort, moving your ice cream away from the pink menace
"I can make ten times what that old prick makes and he still tries to give me shit. The fucker needs to grow up and--"
>You feel that slight pressure on your cone again
"OI!"
>Your head whips around and your growl at Shining
"Didn't I fucking ask you if you wanted any fucking ice cream?!"
>"...What are you talking about, Anon buddy?" Shining asked, cocking his head to the side
>Naha
>You weren't doing this shit today
>Not again
"I know you just took a lick of my ice cream!"
>You feel that pressure on the fucking cone again
"Cadence, I swear to fucking god I'm going to put you over my knee and give your subjects one hell of a show!"
>While most ponies would be a little concerned about being threatened by a guy that was twice their height and triple their weight Cadence doesn't even flinch
>In fact she doesn't even move her head from your shoulder
>...Did you just fucking see her licking her lips?
>"Are you alright there, Nonny?" she asked, 'concerned'. "Is the heat getting to you?"
>You turn to look over at Shining
>The little nigger has melted ice cream ON HIS FUCKING FACE!
>YOU CAN FUCKING SEEEEEEEE IIIIIIITTTTTT!
>Before you could comment as such the prince's tongue darts out of his mouth and cleans up the evidence
>"Yeah, maybe we should go and get you something to drink because I think you're starting to see things," he tells you
>You try to move your ice cream in a position where you'd be able to see it at all times but it's useless
>Whenever you turned to talk to one of these little devil horses the other could do whatever they wanted while your head was turned
>And you couldn't just STARE at your ice cream like a weirdo or keep it in front of your face at all times
>You might not have wanted them to eat your shit but you weren't at THAT level yet
>...Yet
>Making a concerned noise Cadence wraps a wing around you
>"Shining hasn't even looked at you--epp!"
>Fucking gotcha bitch!
>You watched as Cadence's tongue slipped out of her mouth
>This time she wasn't going for your ice cream
>This time she was licking clean her lips
>Growling your hand shot you and clamped her muzzle shut
"What the fuck's this then?"
>Your thumb runs along her bottom lip, coating it in a white liquid
>Not breaking eye contact with Shining, who looked a hell of a lot more nervous all of the sudden, you popped your thumb into your mouth
>Yep
>Yep
>You FUCKING knew it!
>Letting go of the thieving princess's mouth the two of you stare at each other
>Before Cadence lunges forward and noms your ice cream
"MOTHERFUCKER!" you snarl, pulling your ruined treat away from her
>You try to scoot to safety but you could feel Shining pressing his furry little body against your side, effectively trapping you
>Before you could turn to slug that little horse you got to watch as his muzzle appeared by your shoulder and lurched forward, taking a huge chunk of your ice cream
>FUCKING CUNTING SHIT NIGGER!
>You were about to throw out an elbow to avenge your ice cream that YOU FUCKING PAID FOR when a pink blur knocks you onto your back
>Your ice cream and magicked out of your hand with a pop and you let out an irritated groan as your back hits the dirt
"...I hate you both."
>Cadence pressed her nose against yours
>"Sorry, Nonny," she said, nuzzling your chin with a giggle. "We couldn't help it."
>Your ice cream coated her face
>The fucking ice cream that you paid for is all over her dirty horse face
>That little nigger
>And to top it all off you could see what was left of your ice cream floating next to her head
>You are a 1,000,000 percent mad
"I swear to god the second that you let me up I'm going to kick both of your asses so hard that all of your shit for the next month will be shaped like my boot
>Shining magically takes the cone away from his wife as she sits on your stomach
>"Then I guess Cadence is gonna have to sit on you until you calm down huh?"
>The Princess of Love beams, wiggling her rump in what you assumed was villian-like glee
>"Don't worry, Shiny! I'll made Nonny stop being such a stick in the mud!"
"I'm not being a stick in the mud. A stick in the mud is someone that ruins something because of their bad mood and no other reason."
>Your eye twitches as Shining takes a bite out of your cone
>You could pick up Cadence and toss her at her husband
>This little pink horse didn't weigh more than ten pounds soaking wet
>And that meant you could REALLY lob her
>...But what's the fucking point?
>Sighing, you continue to speak
"I'm completely justified--"
>"PRINCESS OF LOVE ATTACK NUMBER FIVE!"
>You weren't able to finish your thought as Cadence began to assault you with nuzzles and kisses, her eyes sparkling with joy as she wrapped her hooves around your shoulders and mashed her lips against yours
>Shining smiled as she then began to roll the two of you around, not letting up her nuzzles or kisses, as you cussed her out
>His widdle furry chest puffing out, Shining took another bite out of your cone, licking his lips
>"Sweet Celestia is this some good ice cream."
>Fucking Cadence
>Fucking Shining
>Fucking ice cream
