Title: Anon Sniffs Everything (with narration by PaleNarrator) Author: JazzTeeth Pastebin link: http://pastebin.com/r5vDVzjS First Edit: Saturday 31st of March 2012 12:57:38 PM CDT Last Edit: Saturday 31st of March 2012 12:57:38 PM CDT     http://soundcloud.com/p-332/sniff-something-drastic - PaleNarrator's bitchin' dramatic reading for more depraved pony goodness!  Perfect for kicking back on rainy days and smoking cigars!   >Day 178 in the Year of Our Princess Two Thousand and Twelve     >You are Anonymous     >And you can't stop smiling       >Seriously, you can't fucking stop, you sniffed at a pile of Twilight's laundry and now your facial muscles won't loosen     >She stepped out for a few hours and asked if you could mind the library. You asked her why Spike couldn't watch her precious book vault, but she just laughed     >He would probably just like...try to eat them or something     >dumbass dragon     >You tried to grab his attention, pantomiming your distress, but he's just staring at you and eating all the ice cream.     >Your face is really freaking sore.     >You try sniffing other things.   >You look around the library >Her copy of letters to Celestia! That should do something. >SNORT >Like...warm cinammon. You can feel your muscles relaxing into its neutral almost-frown. >Then your shoulders hike up like frankenstein. Good job. Retard >You go for her quillstand and start huffing. Smells a lot like Rainbow Dash, go figure >The shoulders loosen, but now your legs turn into spaghetti, causing your head to bash into her hardwood floor >Spike is still staring. He still gives no fucks   >So there you are, a fucking cripple with a headache lying uselessly on the floor for the passive amusement of a useless dragon in crayola cartoon horse land. >You miss your mom. You miss your brother and your sister. >"Hey Spike?" "Yeah?" >"I fucking hate you. Just thought I should say that." "Noted." >You huff again. >Uh-oh. >Your legs straighten out and your propelled into an upright position by your raging boner.     >You stand at attention. Or your penis is. In fact, this is the most attention its ever paid to anything. It may be the single most focused non-sentient entity in all of Equestria. >You marvel at its power. >Spike is staring at your battering ram, it straining against the mortal fabric of your pants >The spoon has fallen from his mouth >Fuck, this thing is really getting sore. This is no ordinary boner. It was just pure hardness, no actual arousal. Your testicles were jimmied as hell. >You're not really enjoying it at all. You had a laptop with 30 gigs of quality human pr0n on it, but the batteries died out six months ago. Research into an alternate power source were still ongoing. >You still need to get to a normal state >You REALLY didn't want twilight to find you like this >She might get the p0nies to steal your house again and banish you back to the field. >That creepy fucking field.   >Your eyes scan the room. >This will only be remedied by sniffing something drastic >Fucking weird human allergic reactions >Spike is still staring at you, eating ice cream >You look at him >He looks at you >You launch yourself into the air screaming "HENSHIN A GO GO!" as he panics and scurries off. >Soon shelves are getting tipped over, books are being thrown around >but you snag the bastard >"Hahaha, got you, ya scaly fuck!" >He belches green flame >There is a sudden heat and the sound of your ass being hurled through a thousand ethereal doors and you slam against a cold stone floor, eyes closed and cursing the earth. "Anon." >Eyes open. Oh fuck. It's HER. >"Hello...Princess Celestia." "You shouldn't fight with Spike." >"But I have a boner and only he can fix it." >She looks at your Tower of Isengard. >You and your boner are quickly magicked back to the library.     >You probably shouldn't have tried smelling her >But that doesn't matter, Spike is now struggling in your hands once gain, his face away form your body >You hold him close >"I need you, Spike." >The small dragon is kicking and screaming, but your superior human strength is no match for him. >"Only through joining can you relieve me." >SNORT! >Like...a thousand year old jolly rancher. >Your ceramite boner dissipates >You smile. >And once again find that you can't stop smiling. >"GOD EMPEROR DAMMIT!" You yell as you toss Spike away. He immediately scampers off into the second floor of the library. >The library entrance door opens >Oh fuck. >It's Twilight.   >Oh no. Oh no. No. Nononononoonno. No. >"Hi" The library looks like a shit tornado paid a visit >She looks at you disapprovingly. "Did you smell my laundry?" >You nod. Your eyes speak of horrors untold. Your teeth look great, however. "HE WAS SMELLING ME" "Did you smell spike?" >You nod again. >She shakes her head and smiles softly, walking close to you. >Aw fuck, here it comes. "Sixth time this month, and you still haven't learned." >Maybe she'll banish you to the field. You really hope she'll banish you to the field. >She nuzzles you on the nose and giggles softly. You close you eyes and just hope its over quickly. "Your dumb sometimes, but it's kinda cute." >She kisses you once. >Your muscles relax. >She kisses you gain. Her lips are warm and they taste sweet, like...not quite like a thousand year old jolly rancher, but its still pretty banging. You kiss back, but only a little bit >The smile is gone, but you can feel the boner coming back. >You hate this monster that you've become. You really wish your laptop still worked. Honest to Celestia titties would be the best thing for you right now. >Twilight pulls away and rubs her head beneath your chin. Her mane is soft and smells like grape kool-aid >You missed kool-aid. "Now get out of here before I throw a pillowcase over your head."   >You scurry home. >You lock the doors >You climb up onto your roof >And you scream blasphemies at Luna's moon for hours on end. >"STOP IT!" "LEAVE ME ALONE" "I WANT MY LAPTOP BACK!" >They don't listen, however. They never do. The p0nies think its funny, though. "Can you sing a song, Anon? "Your voice carries really well, Anon!" "Show us our cock, Anon!" >Once your larynx can take no more, you eventually make your way back downstairs and lock the doors to your room. >You throw your head into a pillow and cry, you cry spaghetti noodles and you just don't stop >You begin to masturbate furiously, proclaiming your hate for this world, for p0nies, and how they've turned you into a desperate monster. >Eventually your seed is wasted onto your bedsheets, which you toss into a corner. Fuck it, you'll just sleep on a bare mattress. >You hug your pillow close, sniffling lightly. >You hope you get to see Twilight again tomorrow.