Title:           Bags and Hoofers
Author:          Cerenth
Pastebin link:   http://pastebin.com/NdBLCcST
First Edit:      Thursday 21st of February 2013 09:52:23 PM CDT
Last Edit:       Thursday 21st of February 2013 09:52:23 PM CDT

>Okay!
>Today’s the day!
>You’ve got one objective:
>Seduce Twilight Sparkle.
>The purple unicorn has been on your mind ever since you arrived in Equestria.
>It’s taken you so long, but you’ve finally built up the courage to ask her on a date.
>You get up out of bed, full of energy and enthusiasm!
>You leap to your bathroom and start your morning routine!
>Shit, sha-
>*KNOCK* *KNOCK*
>What the...
>Already?
>But you haven’t even gotten a chance to have a shower yet!
>You put down your razor.
>It makes a whining noise as you put it down.
>It didn’t get to make sweet love to your facial follicles today.
“I know, Slasher. Don’t worry. You’ll have plenty of work to do tomorrow.”
>You stomp downstairs to see who it is that has interrupted your day.
>You fling the door open to reveal...
>3 guesses.
>...
>No, it’s not Cadence.
>Nor is it Twilight. That would make this too easy.
>...
>No, it’s not Doctor Whooves!
>It’s Fucking Fluttershy!
“What is it, you yellow wretch?”
>”Mmpf mmf!”
>Fluttershy is lying on your doorstep, gagged and bound in the most unusual fashion.
>Her legs have been tied underneath her, and she has a couple of plugs shoved into her mouth and...
>Yeah, her yellow butthole.
>You shudder at the sight.
>A note attached to her side catches your attention.
>Before you can read it, a white unicorn with squiggly purple hair waves to you from your front gate.
>”I hope you enjoy it, Anon! She had me make that for her especially. Ta-ta!” Rarity calls.
“N-no! Wait!”
>Dammit, she’s out of earshot.
>You need to talk to her today to get your new clothes...
>Damn.
>Now what does Flutternutter want with this note.
>You stare at the piece of paper with your bleary, sleepy eyes.
>”O-oh, Anon...” It begins.
>Great, she stutters in text as well.
>”I w-was wondering if using me like a bag was your fetish. You can pick me up by the plugs inside me. Feel free to stick whatever you want in m-m-my v-v-vagoo!”
>You crumple the note up in disdain.
>Upon closer inspection, the plugs inside Fluttershy seem to be connected by a strap of durable material.
>Just for the sake of it, you heft her up by the strap to get a feel of how heavy she is.
>”MMMMMPF!”
>The plugs tug and stretch Fluttershy out, but they hold.
>You look closer, and it seems like there is some kind of lock on each end.
>A timer indicates that Fluttershy is trapped in this state for the next 20 hours.
>Damn, she’s dedicated.
>She’s really quite light.
>You jiggle her by the strap, and she squeals in a mixture of delight and slight pain.
>Well, actually, this could be one of Flutters’ more useful attempts.
>You can’t exactly leave her alone today in this state.
>You pick her up and sling the strap over your shoulder.
>OBTAINED: FLUTTERMESSENGER BAG!
>What?
>Who the heck said that?
>Ugh. Whatever.
>You head back inside, but stop dead in your tracks when you see the clock on the wall.
>Shit! You’re late!
>All that messing about with Fluttershy has thrown you off schedule!
>You need to get into town, now!
>Still in your unwashed, unkempt, bearded state, you rush off down the road towards town.
>Fluttershy jostles alongside you, squeaking and squealing in ecstasy as each stride makes her squirm in delight.
>You take no notice though.
>You only have eyes for a purple unicorn today!
>You’re about halfway down the road when all of a sudden a blue blur swoops into your vision.
>”Hey, Anon! Whatcha doin’?”
“Hey... Dash... Can’t talk! Gotta go fast!”
>Dash simply flies alongside you effortlessly as you sprint towards Ponyville.
>”Yeah... Yeah... Cool. I love to go fast. You know me!”
>She takes a look at your Flutterbag.
>”Oh, hey! Awesome! That looks totally cool! Oh, wait... That’s actually Fluttershy? Oh my gosh, that’s even cooler! Hey, can I try?”
>Suddenly a weight on your back throws you off balance.
>OBTAINED: RAINBOW BAG!
“What? Hey! Get off!”
>”No! I’m in your inventory now, and it’s really cool! You’re really comfortable, you know!”
>Rainbow Dash has hooked her forelegs over your shoulders and her hind legs underneath them.
>Her blue belly rests against your back.
>Her head rests over one of your shoulders.
>She has made herself into some kind of fuzzy backpack.
>Her tail tickles your knees.
“Arrgh! I never asked for this!”
>You shake yourself to try and dislodge her.
>She holds on tight.
>”Haha! It takes a lot more to unequip me! You’re not getting rid of me that easy!”
>Great. Now you’re stuck with her.
>Well, just like Fluttershy, she’s not that heavy.
>Looks like you’re just going to have to deal with it.
“Fine. You can stay. But don’t bother me, ok?”
>”You got it, bro! Hey, where are we going, anyway? Into town? Oh, can we go see Pinkie?! I want to tell her all about how cool this is!”
>You groan.
>This is going to be a long day.
 
“I’m telling you, Rarity! It’s not going to fit!”
>”Darling, anything is possible with the power of love!”
“Well I don’t love it!”
>”You don’t love it ENOUGH, darling. Let’s try again!”
>You bend over once more, allowing Rarity access to your body.
>Her horn lights up and she works her magic.
>You grunt and wince and grit your teeth as your body contorts to her whims.
>Rainbow Dash giggles.
>Once again, you and Rarity sigh in defeat.
>”This would be a lot easier if Rainbow Dash just got out of the way...”
>”No! My human! You just want to take his back slot!”
“Seriously, Rainbow. Get off!”
>”No! She’ll take my comfy spot!”
>”Darling, I promise I won’t latch onto him like a limpet. It is unbecoming of a lady. Either way, I’d rather take the waist slot.”
>Rarity licks her lips in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable.
>And that’s no gooooooooood.
>”F-fine. But put me back right away, Anon!”
>Rainbow’s death grip on your shoulders finally relents.
>She slumps to the ground, sulking the entire way down.
>”There! Now we can get your shirt on, Anon!”
>Finally!
“Right. Take it away, Rar!”
>Rarity’s horn lights up, and she floats over a piece of sky blue material.
>She stretches it over your head and your arms fit through the short sleeves on the side of the shirt.
>”There. Done! Doesn’t it look marvellous?”
>You turn around on the podium in Rarity’s boutique.
>Three mirrors all reflect a hideous image back at you.
>You’re now dressed in a tiny T-shirt that only comes down to the bottom of your ribcage.
>It’s way too small for you.
>Printed on the front is the picture of a pony that looks a lot like Rainbow Dash, albeit quite badly drawn and malformed.
>The text alongside it indicates that she, and by extension you, are 20% cooler.
>You’re stunned.
>”I saw how much the fillies and colts love Dash, and I just thought you’d be the talk of the town with this little number! It even shows off your midriff!”
>You turn once more to face Rarity.
>Your best WTF face is on full display.
>You’re about to tear the fashion disaster to shreds, but suddenly Rainbow Dash clings to your back once more.
>”MINE!”
“What, no! Get off! I need to burn this thing!”
>”No way! It’s super cool! I love it!”
>”Indeed, darling. I can assure you that it is fashionable and will be for the next 5 hours. So long as you wear it, you won’t have to pay me for it.”
>You groan.
“Can I at least get my jacket back?”
>”And cover up my hard work? I don’t think so.”
>You sigh.
“Fine. Let’s get going.”
>You step down to the podium and walk to the door.
>You pick up Fluttershy, who was hanging on a hook next to the door.
>She squeaks and drips a bit onto the floor.
>You look awful right now.
>Your stomach grumbles.
>”Oh, hey! Anon! That reminds me! We’ve gotta go see Pinkie! We’ve just gotta!”
>Normally you don’t wear apparel that talks to you.
>But it seems today is anything but normal.
“Fine. But I still need to go see Twilight!”
>”Yeah, yeah. Whatever.”
>You carry the two pegasi towards Sugarcube Corner.
>As you cross the square that separates the boutique from the bakery, you’re stopped by a gaggle of odd looking ponies.
>You recognise these guys.
>They’re all wearing white unitards and chanting.
>You’ve come across them before.
>”The marker must be in my hole... The marker must be in my hole...”
>They’re some weird cult that has decided to start worshipping you.
>Rapeotologists or something.
>They want your marker.
>The marker is your penis.
“Fuck you, and fuck your marker!”
>”Yes, exactly...”
>All of a sudden, the ponies swarm your legs.
>Like a group of sex-crazed piranhas they nip and bite at your trousers.
>You flail your limbs to try and disrupt the constantly moving torrent of ponies that swirl around and through your legs.
>The ponies are too small, too numerous and too fast for you to land any blows, so you do the only other thing you can.
>You run.
>Rainbow Dash laughs as you lurch towards Sugarcube Corner.
>Eventually you escape the maelstrom of public >rape that was chasing you and barricade yourself in the bakery.
>You pant to get your breath back.
>”Ahahaha! You’re totally out of shape, Anon!”
“Fuck... You... Rainbow Dash...”
>You look down to see that the crazy ponies completely destroyed your trousers.
>You’ll need to get back to Rarity’s to get a new pair!
>But you can’t get there now. They’re still out there!
>Your pulse is starting to slow down, but is suddenly raised sky high by the sudden appearance of a pink puffball in your vision.
>”Ohay?gozaimasu, Anon-kun!”
>Holy fuck that scared the shit out of you.
>Pinkie Pie just popped up in front of you, wearing a kimono and brandishing a plate of something in your face.
>To be fair, you should have been expecting this.
>It’s Pinkie Pie, after all.
“Ohio gesundheit to you too, Pinkie-poon.”
>Pinkie giggles.
>”Silly Nonny! That’s not how you speak in Japaneighs!”
>Oh, she’s being Japanese today.
>That would explain the oriental decor that adorns every inch of Sugarcube Corner.
>Hanging lanterns...
>Suits of samurai armour...
>Slime orgy in the corner...
>It’s so authentic!
“Wow, Pinkie... You put a lot of effort into this. I guess you’re a big Japanophile, huh?”
>”I’ll have you know I was acquitted of all charges of that, and I regularly babysit the Cakes’ kids nowadays.”
“What?”
>”Oh, nothing. Hey, would you like to join in with the festivities?”
“Uh-“
>Before you really have a chance to answer, Pinkie Pie shoves some food in your mouth.
>Again, this is normal behaviour for Pinkie Pie.
>You bite into what seems to be a paste filled pastry.
>You immediately spit it out when you get to the filling.
>It’s grass flavoured.
“Blech! That’s awful, Pinkie! You know I can’t eat grass!”
>”Oh, sorry, Anon... I forgot. Hey, take these instead!”
>Pinkie pulls out a couple of wooden objects from... You know, you don’t even want to speculate where she pulled them out from.
>She hands them to you.
“What are these, Pinkie?”
>”They’re super cool thingies for your feet! I can’t remember what they’re called... But they’re all the rage right now!”
>You look at the wooden sandal-type objects.
>Oh yeah, you recognise these now.
>They’re old style japanese shoes.
>You’ve seen them in a couple of animes.
>What, you can’t enjoy some Samurai Champloo once in a while?
“Uh, thanks, Pinks. I’m not sure they’re really my style though...”
>”Wear them for me, Nonny?”
>Pinkie bats her eyelids and looks up at you with big puppy dog eyes.
>Don’t give in!
“Uh, I just don’t think...”
>”WEAR THEM!”
>Gone is the pleading look, instead replaced by an insistent frown.
>It’s much more convincing than her begging form.
>Talk about bipolar!
>You put the damn sandals on.
>They have a -1 AGI stat on them.
>Goddamn! How does anybody walk in these things?
>As soon as Pinkie sees you wobbling in the wooden footwear, her frown turns upside down.
>”Yay! Thank you, Nonny! As soon as ponies see you in that super cool getup, they’ll be flocking to the store to see where you got your gear from! I really appreciate it!”
“Uh... Anything to help a friend...?”
>Pinkie’s grin stretches from ear to ear.
>You’re not sure that’s supposed to be physically possible.
>Again, this is normal behaviour for Pinkie Pie.
>”That makes me so happy to hear, Nonny! Now you go have a really good day with your ponybags, ok?”
“Okay. Thanks, Pinkie.”
>You turn to leave, when Rainbow Dash finally faces Pinkie Pie.
>”Heya, Pinks!”
>”Oh my gosh! You got one of those talking Rainbow Dash bags! That’s so cool!”
>”I’m not a bag, Pinkie! It’s me, the real Rainbow Dash! I’m just equipped in Anon’s back slot!”
>And here comes the gushing.
>”Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygoshwhatdoesitfeellikeitmustbesocoolblahblahblah...”
>You tune the two rapidly talking ponies out.
>Now that you’re facing the door, you look out on the square.
>The rape cult has moved on for now; you can’t see them anywhere.
>Finally!
>You need to get moving now.
>Twilight’s housebrary is just on the other side of the fountain in the square!
>You need to cut Dash’s conversation short.
>”...and he’s so warm and comfortable! You’ve gotta try this some time!”
>”Oh wow! That sounds like so much fun! Have you let him use your special ability yet?”
>”No, not yet. I don’t think he even knows that he gets stat bonuses from me.”
“Sorry, ladies. Gotta go!”
>You fling open the door and take the opportunity to start running across the square.
>You manage to get a quarter of the way when the -1 AGI stat causes you to stumble and fall.
>Fluttershy slips off your shoulder and goes bouncing away, squeaking the entire time.
>Bugger.
>”Y’all alright, sugarcube?”
>You’d recognise that southern accent anywhere.
“I think so, AJ.”
>Applejack reaches out a hoof to help you get up.
>You accept her gracious offer.
>”Now where’re you goin’ in such a hurry?”
“Today’s the day I ask Twilight out on a date, you say proudly.”
>”Well golly! It’s about time! I know you’ve had yer eyes on her for a while now!”
>You bashfully rub the back of your neck.
“Heh, yeah... I do a pretty poor job of hiding it, don’t I?”
>”You can sure say that again! I’m surprised you haven’t had somepony’s eye out with that thing yet. Y’all are dangerous, walkin’ around at pony head height.”
>Okay, she may have a point.
>More than once you’ve gotten an eyeful of purple pony plot and have thought about rutting it 6 ways to Sunday.
>But you can’t help it!
>She must have put a spell on it, because damn...
>You’re bewitched.
>Thankfully the conversation is broken by your stomach growling again.
>This is what happens when you skip breakfast.
>”Don’t tell me y’all are goin’ around on an empty stomach, Anon?”
“I didn’t quite have a chance to have breakfast, so...”
>Applejack’s eyes sparkle with what could only be described as a mixture of opportunity, desire and excitement.
>”Well you stumbled in front of the right apple pony today, sugarcube! Let me fix ya right up!”
>Applejack kicks a hind leg out at the cart behind her.
>It unfolds automatically to reveal a veritable cornucopia of baked apple goods.
>”Now open wide, Anon! Ya gotta eat up everythin’ to grow big an’ strong!”
>Applejack advances on you menacingly with a slice of apple pie.
>You don’t know if you like where this is going...
 
>15 minutes later, you definitely didn’t like where that went.
>Applejack’s cart is devoid of all apples.
>”There y’go, Anon! Still feelin’ hungry?”
>You weren’t after the first slice of apple pie.
>But she just kept on cramming more and more apples down your throat.
>You told her you couldn’t eat all those apples.
>She took that as a challenge.
“Uuuugh... My stomach feels like it’s going to explode...”
>”Good! That’s a sign of a good home cooked apple meal. Mac eats twice that for his breakfast!”
>That’s because he’s a fucking horse, you stupid bint!
>You don’t say that out loud.
>You struggle to stand up.
>Your belly now hangs over your pants.
>You have a food baby.
>Rainbow Dash laughs.
>She always laughs.
>”Well, I’d better get goin’! Gotta go get more apples!”
>Applejack canters off into the distance, leaving you to deal with your distended belly.
>Rainbow Dash stops her mocking to whisper something into your ear.
>”You know her fetish is feeding, right?”
>Shit, that explains a lot.
>You’ve got to remember never to be hungry around her ever again.
>You set off at a sluggish pace towards Twilight’s library.
>You’re so close now.
>”Hey, brochacho! Whoa... That’s a mondo tubular look you got there!”
>Oh no.
>Not here.
>Not now.
>You wearily look to your right to see a cream fuzzball staring at you.
>”Hey, Anon! How’s it hanging?”
>Shit, what was this one’s name again?
>All these alpacas look the same!
>That’s not supposed to be racist, either.
“Uh... not so great...”
>”Cool. Awesome. Hey, I got that thing you requested!”
>Oh shit, now you remember.
>You ordered something special ages ago from one of these guys.
>Of all the days to finally get it done, they had to pick today.
>The alpaca starts to turn in place.
“N-no! Ricardo! Stop!”
>He stops dead in his tracks and cranes his neck to face you.
>”What’s up, bro?”
“Uh... Now’s not the best time. Maybe we could do this somewhere... not in public?”
>Rainbow Dash is peering over your shoulder with obvious intrigue.
>”No way! Cough it up, bro! I wanna see this!”
>”You got it, talking backpack!”
>The alpaca coughs into his hoof.
>He produces a mare fleshlight.
>It’s pink.
“Arrgh! Ricardo, no! I asked for a purple one!”
>”You... You got a replica of Twilight’s... BLEEEEEEEEEEEEGH!”
>Rainbow Dash throws up all over your head.
“Ah, shit! Dash! What the hell?”
>”That’s fucking disgusting, Anon! How could you... BLEEEEEEEEEGH!”
>Dash pukes again.
>It’s rainbow coloured.
“Ricardo, get rid of that thing!”
>”Oh, okay. I’ll just shove it in your bag for later.”
>Ricardo trots over to your Flutterbag and shoves the pink fleshlight into her vagina.
>It enters her effortlessly, since she’s so well lubricated.
>”There you go, man. Take care!”
>Ricardo wanders off.
>His fuzzy fringe causes him to trot straight into a lamppost.
>How do those creatures even function?!
>”Sorry about that, Anon...”
“It’s fine, Dash...”
>How are you going to clean yourself up?
>”Oh, hey, Anon! I have a great idea! Put down Fluttershy for a second!”
>You comply.
>Rainbow spreads her wings.
>ACTIVATING SPECIAL ABILITY: FLY
>Wut?
>Suddenly you take off like a rocket into the blue sky.
>You take this sudden turn of events like a real man.
>Kicking and screaming all the way like a little girl.
>Rainbow Dash takes you looping through the air, crashing through as many clouds as she can.
>You see her plan now.
>She’s trying to wash off her rainbow puke.
>After she smashes through about 10 clouds, knocking off a few pegasi along the way, she sets you down in front of the library again.
>”There you go, Anon! Good as new!”
>You take a look at your hair.
>It’s still rainbow coloured, but the stains are gone from your clothes.
>In fact, you’re mostly dry except for the parts that were covered by your limbs.
>So you’ve got two great big damp patches underneath your armpits.
>Wonderful.
>You look around for your Flutterbag.
>Ah, there she is.
>She’s squeaking and squealing as a stallion is sniffing her rear.
“Hey, go on! Get!”
>You shoo him away and heft Fluttershy onto your shoulder again.
>She sighs in relief as she relishes the security you give her.
>Right, well...
>It seems like it’s time.
>You’re going to ask Twilight Sparkle out on a date.
>Take a deep breath...
>You can do this.
>You knock on the library door.
>Twilight herself answers it.
“Uh... Hi Twilight, I...”
>”AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! YOU’RE ONE OF THEM! GET AWAY FROM ME, YOU FREAK!”
>She slams the door in your face.
>Well that went a lot worse than you anticipated.
>What the hell went wrong?
>You look at yourself.
>You’re wearing a Rainbow Dash shirt.
>A Rainbow Dash bag.
>A Fluttershy bag.
>No trousers, just boxers.
>Weeabooish footwear.
>Your hair has been dyed rainbow colours.
>You have a large belly and a neckbeard.
>You smell because you didn’t have a shower today.
>You have become that which you hate.
>A brony.
“NNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
>All chances of winning Twilight Sparkle have disappeared.
>All that remains is to head back home.
>You load up your magical computer and head to /mlp/.
>You find a spaghetti thread.
>You descend into the deepest depths of faggotry to reflect your current look.
“omg gurlz just don’t appreciate nice guys, right /mlp/?”