Title:           One Star Review
Author:          Bolding
Pastebin link:   http://pastebin.com/3ZBRe4KK
First Edit:      Friday 19th of April 2013 04:48:34 PM CDT
Last Edit:       Last edit on: Tuesday 23rd of September 2014 10:19:17 PM CDT

>It was another slow day of gardening.
>Digging the small trowel into the soft Equestrian soil, you continue shoveling at the ground to plant your money tree.
>If the shit worked in Animal Crossing, why not here?
>Deeper and deeper you dig, making sure there is plenty of room for the tree to grow.
>Looking around, you slap yourself for your ignorance.
>You forgot the bag of bits inside your house.
>Dropping the trowel, you head towards the house when a strange burning spreads across your legs.
>Lifting your pant legs up, you look in horror as a few dozen fire ants crawl about your legs.
>Swatting them off, you step on the few survivors out of spite before going inside.
“Fucking ants! I swear, when I become supreme overlord of the world, anything with more than four legs will be executed!”
>Heading upstairs, you turn on the cold shower and run your legs under it.
>Dear God did it feel good!
>A sudden knocking at your front door breaks your peaceful little moment.
“Who is it?” you scream from the bathroom.
>... No response.
>Shutting the water off, you curse under your breath as you make your way down the stairs.
>Winging the door open with a mighty force, you look outside and see no one.
“I swear on the holy shit of Je- Oh!”
>You look down and see a small glowing package labeled ‘To: Anon | From: Amahooves.colt’.
>ITS WAS HERE!
>Grabbing the package, you head back into the your home and slam the door behind you.
>Ripping open the box, you remove its contents.
>The Uranium ore sample you ordered a week ago was finally here!
>Taking the package, you place inside your cabinet.
>Your plan was now going perfectly.
>But to carry out this plan, you had to be sneakier than Sam Fisher himself.
>Reaching into your closet, you grab your trusty rock outfit that you made out of styrofoam and plastic Prof. Pony bottles.
>Sprinting out of your house like a retarded cheetah, you head over to none other than Fluttershy’s house.
>Slowly, you waddle your way toward the pond in hopes of not being spotted.
>As you approach it, Fluttershy exits her home, staring directly at you with a worried look on her face.
>“Um, Anon? Why are you dressed up like a different human?”
>You rip off the disguise and look at it again.
>Dammit! You grabbed the wrong rock outfit!
>This was your Dwyane “The Rock” Johnson outfit!
>Wait a second... You just took off your disguise.
>SHIT.
>Grabbing the disguise, you throw it at her screaming at the top of your lungs:
“CAN YOU SMELL WHAT THE ROCK IS COOKING?!”
>Fluttershy screams as the giant wrestling figure collides with her.
>You quickly jump into the pond and grab four terrapins.
>As you jump out, you sprint towards Fluttershy’s house.
“PEOPLE’S ELBOW!” you bellow as you slam into her door.
>You needed a rhino and warthog for this plan to be complete.
>Looking around, you can’t seem to find them anywhere.
>A small rat runs up to you, shaking it’s little fist in the air for the intrusion.
“You’ll just have to do,” you whisper, grabbing it by the tail.
>Making your way out, you begin running for home, but not before screaming out at a completely dazed and confused Fluttershy,
“IT DOESN’T MATTER WHO YOU ARE!”
>As you approach your humble abode, you open the door and quickly shut it behind you.
>IT WAS TIME.
>There was no time for flukes or gimmicks now.
>Taking the animals in hand, you place them inside of a plastic tubberware container and reach into cabinet for your Uranium.
>Using a pestle and mortar, you crush the chuck of ore into a fine powder before placing it into a bowl of water.
>Carefully mixing it, you lay the complete concoction down on your coffee table and move your living room furniture around.
>Grabbing a tarp from the closet, you lay it down across the floor and pour the mixture onto it.
>FINALLY.
>Reaching for the tubberware container, you dump the confused creature and jump onto the tarp.
____________________________________
>Three days and a few hefty fines later, you begin to write your letter to the Amahooves.colt reviewers federation.
“Do not be fooled by this product. I bought this along with four terrapins and a rat (since I couldn’t lay my hands on a warthog and a rhino). I rubbed this product into my skin and gums then rolled around with the terrapins and the rat. Long story short I did NOT end up with my own crime-fighting mutant superhero team. The rat bit me and I crushed the terrapins. Also I now have a strange rash and I’m coughing up blood, what’s up with that? I give it one star out of five.”
>Letting out a disgruntled sigh, you seal the letter and place it in your mailbox.
>You had also learned that day that Uranium did not make a good ant killer.
>It just made them bigger.
>The good thing about their growth, however, was that it made them slower, giving you enough time to beat them to death with your shovel.
>But, alas, the garbage ponies refused to take the carcasses along with your weekly refuse.
>This week was just disappointing.