1/?
>Day One
“I cannot begin to exist in a reality where six miniature equines possess even a fraction of hope that there will be opposition to any and all of my desires.”
>Those words have echoed in your brain for the past three days.
>Three sleepless days, you might add.
>You've needed to stay awake that long to manage every part of this voyage so that absolutely nothing goes wrong.
>It's just who you are, play it off as OCD and you'll be fine.
>You are not just any Anon. You are a very special Anon, on a very special quest.
>You are not an Anon that just finds himself on Equestria by random happenstance. You've heard rumors that other humans have found their way here before you.
>But, by your calculation you believe you are the first to arrive on time, prepared, and on location.
>You are looking for someone.
>Well, something, I guess. It's hard to explain.
>It's a search and rescue, basically.
>"We should reach your marker in about ten minutes,"
>A cool, confident female voice reaches your attention.
>"Assuming it's not somewhere in the middle of the ocean or inside a volcano. Have you double-checked our course?"
>Insert your femanon bodyguard. You call her your lackey.
>She calls you her friend, and is relentlessly watching out for you because "you're bad at taking care of yourself," according to her.
>You "hmph" to yourself.
>"I'm just saying... oh! It looks like we'll be arriving early."
>You blink. That's odd. Perhaps a miscalculation, or an unstable perimeter.
"Be ready for anything."
>The sound of your own voice slightly startles you, as well as Femanon.
>"It' not like you to be cautious."
>You return her smirk with a stoic gaze.
"I am just providing a necessary element of caution to this situation, and this new environment. We don't know what to expect, especially if the locals don't take kindly to our presence. This isn't the first time they've seen Humans."
>You just remembered how awkward and wordy you are.
 
2/?
>"Anyway, we're coming up on our point of landing. Anything else you wanna add?"
>Femanon motions toward the window
>For three days you've been staring at dimensional rivers and pools of space and time until you reach the "magical land of Equestria."
"It'll be nice to see something green for a change."
>You realize this is the first positive thing you've said on the whole three day journey.
>Note to self, be more positive.
>"And... clearing the boundary in... 5...
>As femanon begins her countdown you take a look around you.
>Inside a small cabin, not a space ship or a blue police box, but an actual small log house.
>A strange way of travel, yes, but it gets the job done. The home away from home.
>You've brought everything a mystic needs to travel the planes.
>You've got your staff. You've got your necessary alchemical and magical repositories.
>But most importantly you've got a letter. A letter handwritten by someone very special, and it needs to reach someone.
>Or somepony, rather.
>As the white waters and tides of creation and space swathe and bob you around in-between dimensions (inter-planar travel is a lot like sea voyage, you'd be surprised) you can see your destination coming into view.
>It looks like a broken picture frame at first, with moving images inside it. The closer you get, however, the bigger it becomes.
>Until your log-cabin-floating-ship-thing slips right through the gigantic picture frame.
>And before you know it, the sun is shining, the trees are swaying, the birds and bees are chirping and buzzing, and you just remembered how much you don't actually want to be here.
>"What's the matter Anon? I thought you could use a change of scenery."
>You make a frown, or something like a frown if it wasn't so angry-looking.
>"What's the matter with you, anyway?"
 
3/?
>You just ignore her and gather your trusty satchel which has all manner of useful tools and gadgets from your world.
>Open the floor, get on the floor, everybody-wait, it's actually pretty nice here. A grassy clearing surrounded by trees. Natural. Everything is in order, you suppose.
>And then you push your glasses up the bridge of your nose.
"Femanon, are you ready to begin your first journey into an uncharted world?"
>Silence
"Femanon?"
>You look around and it appears your bodyguard has engaged herself with the local wildlife. In this case, a 3-foot-5 grey pony with a blonde mane. And she's wall-eyed, great.
>You cautiously make your way over to where femanon is kneeling, running her fingers through the grey p0ne's mane.
>"She doesn't look so bad, now does she? I bet you're hungry... here."
>Femanon retrieves a bright green apple from her satchel, only for the grey p0ne to bat it out of her hand with a marshmallow-ey hoof. She looks almost insulted.
>"I beg your pardon?"
"Try something else. What else have you got in your pack?"
>"Nothing a horse would eat."
"Not horse, pony."
>"It's a HORSE, Anon. Look. Four legs. Mane. Snout. Neigh, et cetera!"
"Yes, I see that, but your nomenclature is a bit too extravagant for this pint-sized miniature."
>The grey p0ne frowns, making a sad face.
"Okay, look, I don't know you, but I didn't mean that. I'm sorry. My friend here is just... ignorant."
>femanon sighs.
>"You're just so charming."
>"MUFFIN!"
>The both of you stop and stare. Well, you stare and point your destructo-blast-the-shit-out-of-talking-p0nies-staff.
"Did that miniature horse just speak?"
>Femanon gives the tiny horse a quizzical gaze.
>"You... want a muffin?"
>The grey one nods too quickly for her brain to register, so a shaky-giddy-giggle is about as much as she gets.
"I.. think that's a yes. Femanon?"
Femanon is way ahead of you, retrieving a small muffin from her pack.
 
4/?
>"Is this what you want?"
>Femanon holds the muffin to the grey p0ne's snout. It grins. "Thanks!"
"That thing just talked again."
>You point your robe and wizard hat at it.
>Just kidding, you actually forgot your hat. You always do that.  
>"Yes, Anon. They talk. And they're not livestock. THESE are the natives."
>You brain makes the connection: Equestria is run by miniature horses.
"I knew that."
>It's okay, you're like a thousand years old or something, there's a lot going on in that brain. A few years' age will wipe away some of that short term memory, but you remember all the important stuff at least. Like who you are, and the world you came from. And your apprentice, Femanon. And most importantly, your employer.
>Needless to say, you're basically a messenger of the Gods. A herald of their will manifested, a being who can travel great distances without the need to eat or sleep. All the power you have has been granted by an all-powerful-being who basically runs this whole carnival of a life you have. You call him your Employer.
>But you are not without your limitations.
>For starters, you're basically blind without your glasses (not just anyone's, YOUR'S)
>Second, all the magic you know to this day had to be learned first hand. That means trial and error.
>Thirdly, you MUST have an apprentice at all times. The average lifespan of a human is a good 70 or so years, which means you've watched a good number of good friends pass on and there's nothing you could do about it. Kinda sad, really.
>Fourth and finally, you're still quite mortal. The only real thing your Employer granted you was a new life, and over a thousand years of service. Let's just say you're in debt to him since he saved you that one time, but that's a different story.
>But you make it work. It's a job, somebody's gotta do it.
>And plus, your job is also incredibly important to the balance and the well-being of existence itself.
>So here you are. In a grassy clearing surrounded by dense forest with your 17th apprentice and a miniature grey horse. Time to do what you were (re)born to do.
"You can talk? Great. We need your help."
>Grey p0ne looks at you with her interesting eyes.
"We need you to take us to your capitol. Your overseer is the most important part of mine and my compatriot's objective right now, so it's best that we get a move on. I have a schedule to keep."
>Grey p0ne just stares.
"... Do you understand?"
>She shakes her head.
"Fucking-"
>Femanon interrupts.
>"Allow me."
 
5/?
>After much deliberation you find that the grey horse can't actually talk, but only knows and responds to select phrases that it's likely been trained to respond to based on behavioral experiments.
>Like a parrot or something.
>"Can you at least lead us out of here?"
>Femanon seems to always ask the right question. You just ask the really hard ones.
>Whatever the case, that grey miniature seems to understand that bit and motions for you two to follow.
>The slow pace of progress has begun. You sigh.
"I have a feeling I won't be seeing my own home for a while."
>"I hope you brought your favorite picture, then."
>Wait a minute. You're a goddamn mystic. You don't need this shit. Can't you do some crazy rabbit-out-of-the-hat-magic for us?
>No, no, because you see, there's a reason they're in a forest. The only fucking forest in the show. It rhymes with "clever bees".
>"Hey, anon? I just realized, since you're a mystic and all, can't you just do the crazy magic you usually do to get us out of here?"
"And risk missing out on this beautiful flora and naturally occurring weather? Why, the mere thought..."
>Your sarcastic response ignites a barrage of insults from Femanon, and quickens the grey p0ne's pace to a trot.
>Ah, the slow pace of progress.
"I can't very well fly, Femanon. I'm not a bird, or a small mammal."
>"But you have MAGIC."
"Magic won't give me WINGS."
>"FOR FUCK'S SAKE"
>Femanon didn't yell because she ran out of rebuttals. In fact, she had a pretty nice one cooked up until she tripped over that p0ny that suddenly stopped.
>You contain your laughter (which is pretty easy because you're a no-fun-loving-dick) and cast your gaze ahead to realize what the hold-up is.
"Oh."
>It seems your bickering has landed you a new local. A big one. One with the head of a lion, the tail of a scorpion and fucking bat wings.
"Femanon, I hope you packed more muffins."
>As you point your staff-of-fuck-that-thing's-shit-up forward, Femanon draws her own broadsword from its sheathe on her waist.
>"I got a tasty one, right here."
>She removes her buckler from the other side of her waist, fasting it to her right forearm.
>"That's not a muffin at all!" the grey horse cries.
>You both manage to say stfu in unison before that fucking thing lunges at you!
 
6/?
>But you are ANON! Master of the elements, and with your left hand you project a massive fucking wall of kinetic energy into that bitch!
>The resounding "THOOM!" cues Femanon's follow-up charge.
>She rushes the beast and swipes her broadsword in an arc over her head just in time to chop off the end of a thrusting scorpion tail before ducking back and taking some distance.
>The beast roars in frustration, flinging its blood all over the place from the ruined end of its tail.
>Blood slaps on your white robes.
"Oh GOD DAMMIT."
>The beast is charging!
>You put one foot forward.
>The beast is still charging!
>You relax every muscle in your body in about 3.50 seconds. It feels like a cool wave of rushing water is babbling on your bones and muscles.
>STILL FUCKING CHARGING HOLY SHIT HERE IT COMES
"SMILE YOU SON OF A BITCH"
>At the very last second the beast reaches you, it rears up on its hind quarters and comes down with its jaws wide open ready to consume your whole upper body in one go.
>That is, if you didn't drop your body weight to the ground and gag your staff up into the roof of its mouth and BLAST THAT BITCH'S HEAD TO PIECES WITH A KINETIC EXPLOSION TO THE DDDOOOMMMEEE MOTHERFUCKER MLG PRO WHAT FUCK OGRE1
>You roll the gigantic beast off with the end of your staff and sit up just in time to see a fucking chariot in the sky being led by a group of pegasi?
"Oh what now?"
>The grey p0ne, who was originally daft with amazement at what just happened, squeals with glee and takes to the sky herself.
"You know, I didn't even know she had wings until just now."
>You really have to start paying more attention.
>"No time, Anon, that group in the sky's circling us. I think they might land."
>Not if you have anything to say about it! With both hands you form a magical mega-phone and cup it around your mouth and shout
"I WILL FUCK ALL OF YOU UP, DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME"
>They suddenly double-time it to the ground, circling until they land in a clearing adjacent to the path you were walking on before being ambushed by that huge dead thing.
>"Oh, nice job. Do you want to preserve our good terms with the natives or destroy it?"
"I want to get off this fucking rock, Femanon."
>"WELL QUIT YOUR BITCHING, YOU HAVE A JOB TO DO."
>Silence. Femanon sheathes up her broadsword after tenderly wiping both sides of blood off on the creature's pelt (after skinning a bit for herself.)
"Look,-"
>Too late. A group of royal-looking, armor-clad pegasi with some unicorns in the chariot have landed. One unicorn is a bit larger than the others, and sports a blue mane. He whispers to one of the unicorns at his side and they jump off the landed chariot, trotting over to you.
 
7/?
>"Our royal captain of the guard Shining Armor would like to have a w-"
"Let me stop you there. If your leader sends a lackey to communicate with me, then he is no leader. I did not send my lackey to talk to you."
>Femanon whines.
"Be quiet. You - in the blue."
>The blue-maned pegasus has locked eyes with you. Somehow, he can tell after looking into your gaze that you have a thousand plus years' experience on him. I think he knows you're not someone to be fucked with.
>As if the giant, bleeding carcass next to you wasn't a clue.
"If you are a leader, then YOU speak to me. My business is urgent and my time is short."
>The blue pegasus bites his lip. On the one hoof, you look like a huge threat and it would be way easier to take out this 6-foot hairless-ape right here right now. On the other hoof, they come with a message?
>Just as you think the big unicorn is about to buy it, the grey pegasus makes another appearance. She kicks the giant dead thing and suddenly you get an idea.
"Oh, yeah, we also saved her. So I'm not here to kill you."
>Femanon groans.
"Very reassuring."
>"Is this true? Did they really kill that manticore?"
>The pegasus nods quickly.
>"How in Equestria did you go about that? A manticore is one of the most lethal predators in the everfree forest."
"So THAT'S where we are."
>You pack up your satchel of things and motion Femanon to follow as you make your way over to the chariot, throw your things in and take a cramped seat.
"As for the manticore. Well. The ones in my home are bigger. I'm Anon."
>The blue unicorn raises an eyebrow. "I'm Shining Armor, and I wasn't expecting any company."
"No, but your Princess is. And I know you can take me to her."
>"Then you really are on urgent business."
>The fuck do you think I just said motherfucker.
>"But, you have to explain everything to me first. Who you are, where you came from, and why you're here."
"I already told you. I'm Anon. I'm from another place. And I'm on urgent. Business. Now fly. I'll explain as I go, trust me. Femanon, get up here."
>She tosses her things in and slides onto your lap.
>"No funny business."
"But your business is plenty fun to me."
>She blushes and punches your leg.
>Shining Armor gives the command and once the other pegasi are up and running, they're in the air before they know it. It's riveting, actually, how they maintain enough velocity to keep the chariot in the sky up and even.
"What's gonna happen to that beast back there?"
>You're yelling over the sound of the wind. Why aren't there any goddamn walls or doors or windshields on this thing.
>"We're leaving it! Nothing works right in the everfree forest, everything happens on its own! The weather! Animals! They all have a will of their own! It's not natural!
"Then I don't want to see what is..."
 
8/?
>As you fly over the edge of the everfree forest you pass Ponyville on the way. You ask Shining Armor why there are so many royal guards, he says because of the times as of late, the Princess is very uncertain about the well-being of her Empire. She's beefed up security everywhere.
>So the Princess is in a state of panic. And then you show up. But why is she so rattled? She runs this whole show here by herself, what has she got to worry about?
>Something that she hasn't told anyone else, obviously. She must be hiding something. That is the conclusion you have come to.
"How much farther to Canterlot?"
>"We'll be landing in just a moment!" Shining Armor seems to have taken a liking to you. Not only do you seem noble, but you're just a take-charge kind of guy and you killed a fucking manticore with the help of Femanon. "Humans are not to judged, that's for sure." he says.
"You haven't met any other humans, then. Let's hope it stays that way."
>Shining Armor seems kind of puzzled by that, but he lets it go. None of his business anyway.
>As you land on a platform extended by a bridge to Canterlot built up from the mountain it's dug into, Femanon is the first to jump out of the chariot.
"Thanks, your leather was really a pain to sit under."
>Femanon honestly wants to believe that's some kind of compliment, and in truth it really is, but you're just so fucking retarded and awkward that's how it came out.
>"We'll lead you inside the Castle. I'm sure that's where the Princess is now." Shining Armor takes point across the bridge and the rest of his posse follow.
"At least we're getting the service we came for. Seems like they're not at all as skittish as I thought they'd be."
>"I have to agree. They seem pretty welcoming."
>Well I mean look at you, you're both humans. Sooner or later everypony's gonna find out, and sooner or later nopony will give a shit. Who cares. Fucking humans.
>You make your way across the luxurious and grand marble architecture that can be identified all the way from bumfuck pony-ville, and find yourself against some great oak doors. This must be it. Finally, we can see the Princess and give her this stupid note and go home.
>The royal guards pry open the door and to your astonishment, she's not there.
"Well goddammit."
>"Huh. That's odd. The Princess is usually here giving the upper class ponies a tour."
>Femanon looks at him.
>"Why would you let us just barge in on an open tour?"
>"Because I've always wanted to bust open these huge doors and go "PRINCESS, WE'VE GOT COMPANY!" in a cool voice in front of her guests!"
>"That's pretty weird dude."
>"I like justice and my wife Cadence!"
"OH MY GOD DAMMIT, BOTH OF YOU, SHUT UP AND LET ME THINK."
>You interrupt them, and before long you have reached a solution.
"I guess we'll just have to stay here until she gets back. Is that alright with you, Shining Armor?"
>"Just don't muck up the carpet with your dirty robes."
"Oh. I think I can fix that."
>In a bright flash that momentarily blinds everything close to you, your robes are fresh and new. And you gave them accented blue bevels on the shoulders down to the cuffs. Goddamn you're stylish!
 
9/?
>You are Anon. And you're in horseworld, in a horse palace, waiting to talk to a horse princess.
>Femanon actually came up with a pretty good idea about an hour ago. She suggested we ditch Shining Armor and go looking around the castle because you've got a hunch this princess is hiding something.
>"Anon, how can we find something if we don't know what we're looking for?"
"We'll know when we find it. Come on."
>Accessing restricted areas of the castle is off-limits. Or it would be, if the both of you weren't INVISIBLE BECAUSE YOU'RE A BADASS MYSTIC. But you still can't give yourself wings. So what? You just never got around to learning that spell. Big deal. You have other, way cooler shit you can do anyway.
"What do you say, Femanon? Shall we search the dungeon or the archives first?"
>"You would pick the archives because you're a nerd, and I would pick the dungeon because I bet there's some neat loot we could find."
"There's plenty of loot that's written in text kept in those archives! I could learn everything about their culture and history. Give me ten minutes and I could sing their national anthem."
>The two of you seem to ignore the perplexed royal guard standing right in front of the pathway to either the dungeon or the archives.
>"Oh, shit, this guy sees us. Uh. Sorry, guy."
>Femanon grabs your staff and thwacks the royal horse in the back of the head with it, creating a resounding tang! that resonates down every hallway of every corridor in the castle.
"This is why I don't put you in charge. Because you fuck things up."
>"I'm sorry, Anon..."
"No. Sorry's not good enough. I need you to tell me that YOU KNOW HOW MUCH OF A FUCKING IDIOT IT TAKES TO DO WHAT YOU JUST DID."
>The sound of hooves beating against marble quickly ends your pep talk with your rookie and you bolt it to the dungeon because hey, turning left has always worked out pretty well for you in the past.
>After going down flight after flight of stairs for what seems like a while, you finally reach ground level. It's dark. It's musty. It's a dungeon, alright. The only source of light given off is by torches and lamps hung in the corner. There's no one there, because, well, there aren't any prisoners to monitor.
"This is a perfect place to keep secrets. Good thinking, Femanon."
>"Thanks!"
"Shut up, you still fucked us up pretty hard there. All they have to do is go left."
>"Not if I do this!"
>Femanon shuts the wooden door and slides a chair between the knob and the floor, creating a makeshift barricade.
"It'll have to do. Now..."
>You lift your right hand, palm facing up, and a fresh beam of light forms hovering just above your hand. It shortens into a rod that's 3/4ths of an inch thick and about a foot long. You basically just made a fancy glowstick.
"Let's see what secrets she's hiding."
>It only takes 2 minutes to realize there are jail cells here, each with a block removed at the wall to reveal a barred-in view of the outside. By looking out of one, you can see that you're on the side of a cliff.
"This dungeon is built into the mountain. It's a sheer drop on the other side of these jail cells. Straight into the lake below."
>"Should we be worried? You know, since you can't make wings and the royal guard is out to get you and we've only been here an hour."
"YOU. Out to get YOU. You knocked out the guard, you get the dungeon. You may as well already lock yourself in one of these cells! I'm still mad about that!"
>In a fit of rage you grab your apprentice and toss her in the last deep dark cell in the very back of the room, much against her pleas and cries.
>"ANON!!"
>She finally yells.
"WHAT?!"
>"THERE'S SOMEBODY IN HERE WITH ME!!"
 
10/?
>You stagger over there.
"Some.. body?! As in a human??"
>"YES!"
>Her shrill cries call the attention of several guards posted upstairs, they make their way down.
>You swing open the gate and Femanon clings to you. After shoving her off and to the side, you make your way into the cell...
>"Anon..."
>A voice whispers your name from the corner. An old, haggard voice.
>You bring the glowstick closer to the corner and it reveals a shriveled man, wasting away and nearly dead. All that's left of him are skin and bone and rags and lengths of white hair in bushy beard and flowing locks.
"Who are you."
>"I am like you.." the voice wheezes out.
"Listen, I don't have time, and neither do you old man, so I'll be brief-"
>But before you can finish, his gaze fixes yours upon eyes solid white. In a heated, fiery flash he telepathically burns an image into your mind. A figure, about adolescent's height. With long, perfect golden hair with texture as silky as the sky. And great yellow eyes, too; open, seeing, taking every image in, witnessing, unveiling, revealing, peering eyes. And... two rows of razor sharp teeth fixed in a crooked smile?
>It's remarkable how you maintained such detail of the image, but then again it was BURNED into you. Telepathically.
>"Hy... Hyyyy.... Hyyyyyddddeeeee.... Hyde is awake.... and he's here... he's HERE, ANON..!" the crippled old man reaches out his bony hands, touching your face. You refuse to flinch, no matter how gross it gets.
>"But... but you... you are... hmmmm.. yess.... you are here for a reason, my dear anon.."
"I need you to elaborate, old man. Who are you?"
>Femanon comes back from checking the wooden door she blocked.
>"Anon, they're about to bust the door down and it sounds like there's a whole lot of them. We need to move."
>"The one you seek... is not the enemy... the true evil has not shown himself, but Anon, he is HERE!! HERE!!"
"WHO is here?! What do you mean? You're not making any sense you old-"
>BAM! Crash. The door flies off its hinges, surrounded with a familiar golden aura.
>"I need you to step away from that human, Anon. Right now."
>You pry yourself from the old man, because a soothing female voice calls your attention.
"Celestia."
>"Anon."