CHARACTERS = {
    "married": {
        "name": "Married Couple",
        "dialogue": [
            [
                ("Dude, not to be rude, but, like, you've been hittin that longer than The Real World has been on the air.", 1, 'D', 3, 'B'),
                ("I just don't get it. Like, I can't even whack it anymore to that video of a German chick yelling at a Japanese girl while they rub strawberries all over each other, and I only watched that, like, four times tops. How do you boink the same chick for thirty years?", 3, 'D', 1, 'A'),
                ("Dude, you guys have kids?? How can you even hit that afterwards? No, like, seriously, how does it work? Like, once her vaj is the size of a baby, how do you even know whether it's in or not? It'd be like sticking your junk in a laundry chute, and I've only tried that once.", 2, 'D', 3, 'B'),
            ],
            [
                ("Like, seriously. The first time you tapped that, Cory and Topanga were still in Middle School.", 4, 'D', 3, 'C'),
                ("Like, I'm just sittin' here imagining you two doing it back in the day, and there's like a Blink 182 poster on the wall, and you can hear the dial-up tone from the modem while you try to sign onto AOL so you can download a new buddy icon.", 3, 'B', 3, 'C'),
                ("Hey, no hard feelings. He he. Hard. Just let me buy you a Maury Test Daycare and we'll forget about the whole thing.", 4, 'H', 1, 'D'),
            ],
            [
                ("WHOA, that means you guys are older than torrented porn. Did people have to, like, fax each other porn?", 1, 'I', 3, 'B'),
                ("Like, I'm just sayin', you've had the same piece of ass since before Pogs were a thing. Like, seriously. Think about it. The first condom you ever used is older than Pogs.", 1, 'G', 3, 'C'),
                ("Middle School was actually the first time I discovered the joys of boinking. I got my nads caught in a radiator, and the rest just came naturally. He he. I accidentally made a joke.", 2, 'E', 1, 'A'),
            ],
            [
                ("What?? Oh, are you like, not allowed to watch porn anymore? Dude, seriously, if I ended up like you, I'd probably stick my head under the fly weights of an Abductor machine.", 2, 'C', 3, 'B'),
                ("Hey, how about I buy you a DRANK?", 4, 'A', 1, 'D'),
                ("I'mjust wondering... can a va-jay-jay, like, expire?", 2, 'D', 3, 'B'),
            ],
            [
                ("Yech, you two doin' it must sound like slapping two pancakes together.", 2, 'G', 3, 'C'),
                ("No need to get all pissy! Here, let me buy you a DRANK.", 4, 'A', 1, 'D'),
                ("I've already lost my boner just thinking about your guys saggy, floppy bodies.", 2, 'F', 3, 'C'),
            ],
            [
                ("Dude, don't blame me just because your shorty here looks like a speed bag that's had all the sand punched out of it.", 3, 'C', 3, 'C'),
                ("Don't get mad, bro! And... bro-dette. Here, let me buy you guys a cold DRANK.", 3, 'H', 1, 'D'),
                ("Like, seriously. It's just gross. Like, you guys could have done every position in my Page-A-Day Babes, Barbells and Barbiturates calendar, like, thirty times.", 2, 'D', 3, 'B'),
            ],
            [
                ("Hey, it's cool, I liked Blink 182. Let me buy you two a DRANK.", 4, 'H', 1, 'D'),
                ("Dude, when you guys got it on, did you actually play, like, saxophone music and old keyboard synthesizers? Like, was that your version of putting on a Kanye album?", 4, 'I', 3, 'B'),
                ("So... if we had a threesome, would I be a distraction from the daily grind? heheh.... grind....", 3, 'E', 3, 'A'),
            ],
        ],
        "responses": {
            "A": ["Excuse me?", "Who the hell..."],
            "B": ["What does that even mean?", "......Gross."],
            "C": ["...", "Uhhuh... Right."],
            "D": ["I think we'll pass on that."],
        },
        "climaxes": (13, ("Sure, how bout you come over our place, and get married with us, in a long committed relationship, while you help us raise our kids, working a nine to five job, and spending your weekends working on your scrapbooking?", 'D'), ("Ok, kid. Here's what's going down. If you don't want us to call the cops right now you'll agree to pay for babysitting for our kids every weekend for the next month. We'd make you do it, but you'd confuse milk with bailey's. Now get out of our faces before we make you date my lonely Aunt Hildegard. She'd love you.", 'C')),
    },
    "lesbians": {
        "name": "Lesbian Couple",
        "dialogue": [
            [
                ("Whoa, whoa whoa, we've got chick on chick action over here! Wait, is this like a hidden camera porno? Is that a thing?", 1, 'G', 3, 'B'),
                ("Sooo, I don't get it. If there's two women... who has the penis?", 2, 'D', 3, 'B'),
                ("Have you ever noticed how weird your hands smell after touching latex, like in a hospital glove? DUDE, if I had five dicks, I would use a hospital glove like a condom!", 2, 'B', 1, 'A'),
            ],
            [
                ("You guys can't be lesbians. You're both hot!", 4, 'F', 3, 'C'),
                ("I have a video at home where two chicks do basically like a 69 but they're flipped, like, the other way around, like if you tried to stack two Pringles on top of each other the wrong way. Can you do that?", 1, 'I', 1, 'A'),
                ("Which of you makes the sandwiches?", 2, 'A', 3, 'C'),
            ],
            [
                ("Would wearing a latex glove be like wearing a condom for you? Like, does one of you complain like, 'No I don't wanna wear it I'll just pull out, it's cool' and the other is all like 'No, you said that last time but you didn't so you gotta put it on!'", 1, 'A', 3, 'B'),
                ("It's basically like you've Friendzoned the entire world.", 2, 'F', 3, 'B'),
                ("Can I get you a DRANK with ice?", 4, 'A', 1, 'D'),
            ],
            [
                ("I've never actually gone down on a chick, but how come in pornos they both always make so much noise? Like, how come you can hear them both? Like, wouldn't one of them have an echo?", 1, 'D', 3, 'B'),
                ("Wait... so... would you have sex with a gay guy?", 1, 'D', 3, 'B'),
                ("Can I get you two ladies a DRANK?", 1, 'C', 1, 'D'),
            ],
            [
                ("Okay, you're looking really angry, and I know there's like a whole lot of estrogen in the air right now, but I think you really just need to bring it down. Here, why don't we ask the bartender if he'll put the WNBA on TV?", 4, 'I', 3, 'C'),
                ("I mean, I get it, but, how do you KNOW you're not into dicks if you've never tried it? I'm just saying, I'm available for research.", 3, 'H', 3, 'B'),
                ("I think we'll all feel better after a nice cold DRANK.", 4, 'F', 1, 'D'),
            ],
            [
                ("Are you sure you're not just cranky because you've never gotten laid in, like, your entire life?", 2, 'G', 3, 'C'),
                ("All right, final offer. I'll buy you guys a DRANK and we can go find a kiddie pool and fill it with jello.", 4, 'E', 1, 'A'),
                ("All right, all right, fine. You two can have sex with each other, and I'll just watch.", 3, 'E', 3, 'C'),
            ],
        ],
        "responses": {
            "A": ["Excuse me?", "Who the hell...", "What does that even mean?", "......Gross"],
            "B": ["...", "You WHAT?", "Just... wow."],
            "C": ["...", "Uhhuh... Right.", "I think we'll pass on that."],
            "D": ["What... what is wrong with you? I just don't even... just, what?"],
        },
        "climaxes": (13, ("Well, let's look at this another way. If you've never had sex with a man, how do you know you're not gay? Here, we're gonna shove this handle of Jim Beam up your ass, and you let us know if you like it.", 'D'), ("You don't interact with a lot of real, live, women who aren't on a Redtube screen, do you?", 'C')),
    },
}