>Fuck! Someone is fuckin’ up your shit in your kitchen.
>You’re pressed up against the goddamn wall just outside the kitchen.
>Pots, pans, plates, fucking everything is flying in every direction!
>Your mental fucking swear jar fills up quickly when your shit is getting fucked around with.
“W-who’s there?” Nice stutter, pussy.
>A pink motherfucking blur darts out of the kitchen and straight towards you face.
“Gah!”
>”Good morning! Hey! You don’t have any breakfast food! Eggs, pancake batter, coffee cake, apple fritter-“
>… Pinkie Pie.
“I have cake.”
>”That’s a dessert cake, not a breakfast cake. Apple cinnamon bread, cinnamon swirls, cinnamon rolls, cinnamon donuts, glazed donuts, chocolate donuts, caramel donuts.”
>Oh my god. Oh my god…
>You cup your hand over her snout for a moment.
>You derailed her train of thought. Thank goodness.
>”The point is that we don’t have any food!”
“We can eat cake until I find a way to get some bits. But, wh-“
>”Nope!”
“What?”
>”Nope! We don’t have cake!”
>You take a peek inside the kitchen. Okay, what the fuck, Pinkie? Everything that was in the cupboards is now on the floor. Also, your cake is gone.
“Where’d it go?”
>Pinkie gives you the biggest shit eating grin.
>PINKIE WHY
>”Imsorry!”
“Wh-… There was, like, still half of the cake leftover!”
>”I know! But, I was hungry!”
“Pinkie, the amount of cake you ate is… lethal!”
>”Nuh-uh!”
>YES-FUCKING-HUH!
“Are you sure you’re okay?” YOU HOPE SHE ISN’T! THAT WAS YOUR ONLY REMAINING SOURCE OF FOOD!
>”Mmhm!”
>FUCK!
 
”And… you’re still hungry?”
>“Yep!”
>Argh! Why? Why!? Fucking… Chill, man. Chill.
“Ugh, Pinkie, just clean this up, will ya?”
>”Okey-dokey-lokey!”
>Pinkie turns into a blur once again as she moves at SANIC HEGEHOG speeds.
>It takes less than a minute before everything is put back in its original place. Actually, the kitchen looks cleaner than before. That’s… not fair.
>She needs a suitable punishment, something that’ll make her learn. If she’s going to be a resident of this house, she needs to respect your property.
>Oh, that’s right!
“Pinkie, did you come up with a decision?”
>”Yes! I decided to eat the entire cake because I was so hungry!”
>…
“I was talking about your residency here.”
>”My what?”
“DIDYOUWANTTOLIVEHEREORNOT?”
>”Oh… um.” This is the first time you’ve seen Pinkie Pie seriously thinking about anything. “I don’t know yet… I have lots of friends who could help me. But, it’s not…” Oh gosh, is she tearing up?
>Pinkie Pie and sad are as good a combination as cats and water.
>You get on one knee and wrap your arms around her in a tight embrace.
“It’s okay, you can tell me.”
>”I-It’s not fair to ask them something like that.”
“Pinkie, you know they’ll be happy to help you in a time of need.”
>”I know, but…”
>You and Pinkie both hear a sharp rapping on your front door, followed by a familiar sophisticated voice.
>”Anonymous~”
>Pinkie slips out of your arms and answers the door before you could even process what was going on.
>”HiRarity!” Oh, looks like all that sad shit is gone.
>”Pinkie Pie?! Oh it’s so good to see you! We’ve been worried, dear. Where have you been?”
>Pinkie shrugs, “Iunno.”
>”Well, why are you here, now?”
>”Oh! Last night I got a leg wiggle, an ear flap, and a teeth chatter! You know what that means? It means somepony was going to…” Was Pinkie Pie getting nervous? You don’t believe it. “Um… Violate Anon.”
>What, whoa. WHOA!
“Pinkie!” You pull her aside, “Let me handle this.”
>You take Pinkie’s spot in the doorway.
“Good morning, Rarity!”
>”Anonymous!” Rarity says with a fake smile, “Are you okay? Pinkie mentioned…”
“Yes! I’m fine, don’t worry about it.”
>She leans in close and lowers her voice. You don’t know why, Pinkie Pie is too close not to hear everything.
>”Are you sure? Did Pinkie Pie… Do something?” She points a hoof at the broken window.
“Pinkie Pie didn’t do anything but I’d rather not talk about it.”
>Not until Twilight can figure this out. Applejack’s and Fluttershy’s affection are unnatural and you’d prefer not to freak anyone out.
>”Very well, now, for the real reason I’m here!” Rarity’s horn lights up as a moderately sized giftbox is levitated into your sight. “You were supposed to pick this up yesterday but you never came by.”
>Aww, you thought she was trying to fondle your human goodies but she just wanted to give you a present.
“What is it?” GOD. YOUR VOICE DOESN’T ACCURATLY DESCRIBE YOUR EXCITEMENT THE MOMENT.
>YOU FUCKING LOVE PRESENTS!
>”Why don’t you open it and find out?” Oh Rarity, you cur! Torturing me so!
>You snatch the gift out of the air and tear it that shit open.
>It’s… a box!!
>”I know you’ll just LOVE it, darling.”
>Pinkie Pie makes a very audible gasp.
>”I know what it is!”
>PINKIE PIE DON’T YOU DARE RUIN THIS FUCKING SURPRISE FOR ME!
>Once she sees the expression on you face she shuts right the fuck up.
>You open the box.
>And…
>Clothes.
>Wait, CLOTHES!
>”They’re rather bland, I know. But, you do need something other than… that.”
>Bland! Bland is your style! White Polo shirt! Dark blue pants! And… No.
>No way!
“You made me… new boxer briefs!?”
>She did… These things are fucking SWANKY AS HELL!
>”I see you’re a stalli-er, man who enjoys his undergarments.”
“I couldn’t live without them, Rarity. Thank you.”
>”You’re welcome, darling! … Now please get yourself changed.”
>Oh, you never got around to washing these dirty clothes.
>And you haven’t showered in a couple days. Heh.
“Right away, Miss Rarity!”
>”Splendid! Now, I’m afraid I must take my leave. I DO have a boutique to run. Ta-ta~”
“Alright, catch you later, Rarity. Thanks again!”
>”Bye Rarity!”
>Oh, right! Pinkie!
“Pinkie…” You nod your head in Rarity’s direction.
>Pinkie shakes her head in response.
>You nod your head a little harder.
>She shakes her head even harder.
>You nod you head so hard you-oh Rarity is already gone.
>Shoot. Whatever, you have new duds to put on.
-
>Yes! Fucking swag! Freshly showered, shaved, and dressed.
>The joints on the shirt feel a little awkward but otherwise, DAMN!
>That is one handsome looking fogged up mirror.
“I’m a pheromone-secreting, hot bodied, love-spell casting Warlock!” You say while flexing.
>”You’re a wha?!”
>Was Pinkie Pie sitting just outside the bathroom door this entire time?
“Nevermind.”
>You exit the bathroom, the remaining steam from the shower wafts out with you. You look incredibly fabulous.
>Mental note: Use the word ‘fabulous’ once a day, max.
>”Oooooo…” Yeah, that’s right Pinkie. Take it in. Anon is hot shit right now.
“Heh, do I look as good as I feel, right now?”
>”Yeah, Anon. You look really good.” Awwww yeeeaaa-Pinkie why are you looking at me like that?
>Yes, those are the dreaded half-lidded eyes. Why? Why?!
“OkayPinkiePiegottago.”
>You awkwardly shuffle towards the front door. You won’t let this shit happen again
>”Wait Anon don’t you want to talk about,“
>You‘re out of that house faster than-
>”What Applejack did last night?!”
“Gah!” HOWDIDSHEGETOUTHERESOFAST?
>”Aah!”
“Why are you yelling?!”
>”I dunno!” PINKIE GONNA BE PINKIE!
“How did… ! Augh, fine! What is it?”
>Pinkie Pie adopts a worried look.
>”Did you want to talk about what happened last night?”
>You groan loudly and bring a hand to your forehead. No, you don’t want to talk about it. This whole thing is a fucking nightmare. Pinkie doesn’t even know about Fluttershy, yet. Oh yeah, you’ll tell her. Just not now.
“Later, Pinkie. Now… I’m hungry and I want answers.”
>”Oh! The answer to you hunger is food! Ponies eat food when they’re hungry!”
>You give her a deadpan glare. Extra emphasis on the dead.
>”Uh… Answers for what?”
“Applejack. She told me Twilight could explain her behavior. Personally I think she’s after my hot bod.”
>The ‘hot bod’ comment was an experiment. Pinkie’s reaction would determine whether she could be trusted or not.
>To your relief, she only takes a quick glace over your body with an unchanging expression.
>Perhaps the whole bathroom incident was a fluke.
“Pinkie, would you like to come into town with me?”
>“Mmhm!” She gives you a cute smile and hops to your side.
>The two of you make your way into Ponyville. You, ready to find some answers, and Pinkie, with unknown but innocent motives.
>But, you feel an itch in the back of your mind. You’re forgetting something. A foreboding feeling gathers in the pit of your stomach as you reach Twilight’s Library.