Merry and Meanie
 
(based on an email request, plus inspired by the old “Goofus and Gallant” from Highlights Magazine)
 
>be Brandon Wyckoff, programming executive for Fluffy TV
>you were the guy who brought them revolutionary programming for fluffies like “Ball”, “Babies!” and “Plot”
>you’ve recently been contacted by the Fluffy Associated Pro-Breeders.
>seems they have problems with mares who misbehave when their foals are taken away and they want you to produce a special video
>never one to avoid having another producer credit, you meet with the group’s president
>”Mr. Wyckoff? Bill LeGrange. Thanks for meeting with us.”
>”Not a problem, Bill… your organization has spent some impressive advertising dollars with us.”
>”I appreciate it, anyway. Look, you’re a busy guy so I’ll keep this short and sweet.”
>you’re impressed with this guy. at first glance he’s a little redneck-y but the guy’s smart and direct.
>”We have a lot of problems with mares acting up when we take their foals.”
>”I can see that.”
>”We’d like you to produce a video we can show to mares to reinforce good behavior.”
>”Okay…”
>”For before, during, and after the birth process. A happy mare is a good breeder.”
>”Well, I suppose I could come up with something…”
>”Well, here… I brought a video I made of a typical case. If you don’t mind.”
>”No, no… go ahead.”
>you motion to a DVD player on the wall. LeGrange pops his DVD into it.
>”This is a breeding facility in Montana. Clean place, good reputation. But watch how this mare reacts…”
>you stare intently at the screen. A blue pegasus fluffy with a white tail lays in a wooden cage, nursing two foals.
>two others crawl in her fluff.
>a middle-aged man in overalls opens the cage.
>”Time to wean your foals, Sparkle.”
>he reaches in to take the foals. the fluffy leans over and bites his hand.
>”OW! You goddam bitch! What’d you do that fer?”
>”yu nu take babehs!”
>”I’ll do whatever the hell I want with them!”
>he smacks the mare on the nose and grabs the two nursing foals. they start crying for their mother
>”NUU! Nuuu take babehs! bad stupit hooman!”
>she gets up and tries to get out of the cage, either to save her babies or to bite the breeder. he slams the door in her face
>”Goddam bitch! I’ll get the other two later…”
>he takes the crying, squirming foals, muttering to himself as he walks away.
>”gonna give this little shit here an enema… see how you scream for momma then…”
>LeGrange pipes up.
>”This next bit is time lapse. Watch what happens around 1am…”
>the camera speeds up, showing the mare eating, drinking, crapping, the babies playing… all in a matter of seconds.
>you continue to watch in silence.
>around the 1am mark, the remaining two foals nurse at their mother’s teats.
>she grabs one by the scruff of its neck and plops it hard on the cage floor. it starts crying.
>”wahhhh! mumma! why mumma huwt? weggie owies! weggie!”
>the mare shifts her weight and lays directly on top of the foal. after a few moments its muffled cries stop
>”She killed it… she killed it rather than let the breeder take it.”
>”Ayuh… happens sometimes. I’d say… 20%, give or take. Most breeding facilities don’t have 24/7 care so anything goes at night.”
>”Jesus.”
>the camera speeds forward again. the breeder in overalls opens the mare’s cage to feed her.
>”Sparkle, where’s your other baby?”
>”spawkle dun nuu.”
>”Don’t you lie to me, girl! Where is it?”
>”dun nuu!”
>the breeder angrily grabs her by the scruff of her neck and presses her face hard against the wooden wall of her cage
>”wahhhh! why huwty fwuffy?”
>”SHUDDUP!”
>meanwhile, the other foal has fallen out of its mother’s fluff and landed on the floor. it waddles around
>”mumma? mumma giev miwlk? mumma giff nummies? why man howd mumma?”
>the breeder spots the other foal, dead, in Sparkle’s blanket
>”Goddam BITCH! Killed your own foal, huh?”
>the remaining foal is now hugging its sibling, trying to get it to move.
>”pwease bwutha move! haff huwties? giff huggies! huggies fix huwties!”
>the breeder angrily backhands the foal, knocking it into the blankets. it starts sobbing
>”nuu! nuu huwt babeh!”
>”YOU DIDN’T GIVE A GOOD GODDAM ABOUT THIS ONE!”
>he’s screaming at her, waggling the dead foal in her face
>”bad hooman take babehs! babehs betta off dead!”
>the breeder angrily punches the mare in the face and takes the last foal
>”nuu! giff back babeh!”
>”You want it back? I’ll give it back.”
>he slams the mare on the floor of her cage
>then, gritting his teeth in anger, the breeder starts removing body parts from the
screaming foal.
>a leg, a wing, another leg… throwing them at the mother’s face
>she doesn’t even know how to react. her mouth hangs open in surprise and horror.
>”Here’s your fucking baby back, bitch!”
>the foal, still screaming horribly, has had its legs and wings torn off.
>the breeder grabs its tiny fuzzy nuts and pulls them off, throwing them at the mother as well.
>”NUUUU! BABEH! PWEASE STAWP!”
>the breeder finally throws the foal against the back wall of the cage, crushing its
skeleton.
>”There he is. Enjoy.”
>the breeder stomps away
>the mare lays there, covered in bloody pieces of its foal, sobbing and hugging its bleeding body
>”Wow. That’s a shame.”
>”Yep. Shame he had to lose a perfectly good foal to make a point.”
>”Did she behave after that?”
>”Well, not quite… watch…”
>you stare at the screen for another minute.
>”Ouch! Right in the ass!”
>”Hee hee… yeah.”
>”Wow… how’d he fit that turkey baster in there?”
>”Oh, after they have a few litters they’re pretty elastic.”
>”Well, let’s get this show on the road. I can have a product for you in 30 days.”
>”Sounds like a plan. I’ll cut you a check for the deposit and I’ll see you in a month.”
>shake hands with LeGrange. start putting together a crew. you already have an idea.
>
>”Happy Mare and Sad Mare”
>rough cut
>Director: Mark Romanek
>Actor: Brent Spiner
>
>4, 3, 2, 1…
>”Hello, I’m actor Brent Spiner. Welcome to the happiest breeding facility on earth!”
>camera pans around to a clean, well-kept facility
>”Did I say happiest? I meant… almost the happiest. Here you can see our two favorite mares: Merry and Meanie!”
>the camera shows two cages next to each other. Merry is a bright blue earth fluffy with a pink mane. she’s well-groomed and happy
>next to her is Meanie - she’s puke-green with a shit-brown mane and looks like she just got hit in the face with a brick
>(she did)
>”Hey… my buzz is starting to wear off - can I get a joint?”
>*voice off-camera* “Yes, Mr. Spiner.”
>*sounds of a lighter, then coughing*
>”Ahem. Yes, Merry and Meanie. Our two favorite breeding mares. Hello, girls!”
>”hewwo mistah spina!”
>”First we’re going to show you how mares get an ‘examination’. Do YOU know what an ‘examination’ is?”
>Merry, well-rehearsed and trained, speaks right up.
>”dat when nice docta man make shu fwuffy is helfy!”
>”Very good, Merry! Yes, sometimes your mama or daddy or another nice human will take you to see a nice doctor.”
>Meanie shudders at the mention of a doctor - probably too many rectal temperatures taken.
>”The nice doctor will make sure you’re healthy. Some of the things he does will tickle!”
>Brent steps into view, wearing a doctor’s coat and old-time head-reflector thingy
>he carefully takes Merry from her cage and puts her on a table, first listening to her heartbeat
>”tee hee! dat tickle!”
>Brent rubs her belly, making her coo. then he does a quick eye and ear examination.
>”Very good, Merry! Have a cookie.”
>”yay cookie!”
>”Now… here is how a BAD fluffy acts. Get over here. GET OVER HERE!”
>Brent grabs Meanie and slams her on the table.
>”OWIES!”
>he roughly flips her over, pulls on a rubber glove, and jams his fingers in her vag and ass.
>”eeeeeeeee! nu towch! bad towcH! dat bad towch! nuuuuu!”
>*off camera* “If she keeps acting up, just hit her with the brick again.”
>*WHAM*
>”owie.”
>”See that? Bad fluffies don’t listen to the nice doctor. They struggle and cry. And then they get the brick.”
>
>Part II - breeding
>”As you can see, they’re both getting ready to have Special Hugs!”
>Merry beams at the idea but Meanie shudders.
>”First we need to make sure the girls are shaved properly. That means easier mating and cleanup!”
>Brent takes Merry down and carefully lays her on the table
>”Try to relax.”
>he uses a small electric shaver to trim the fluff around her anus and groin. after that, he tickles her chin and she giggle
>”GOOD fluffies don’t mind the shaver. It helps to keep you clean!”
>Brent grabs Meanie and tosses her on the table. He uses a larger, rustier shaver on her, taking away chunks of fluff unevenly
>at one point it nicks her anus, making her scream.
>”Should I… the brick? Okay…”
>*WHAM*
>”OWIE!”
>”See that? BAD fluffies move around and make shaving difficult for daddy and then their poopie place gets cut.”
>Brent puts the two mares in separate breeding pits
>the first features a handsome pegasus fluffy - white with a white mane. Merry is obviously head over heels for him
>he slowly nuzzles her fluff around her neck, then along her sides and finally around her groin
>Merry’s tail raises in anticipation.
>the stallion mounts her, slowly thrusting (camera trick) making it look like he’s taking his time.
>Merry seems to enjoy it but with a little creative editing they’ll make it look like she’s in ecstasy
>finally, the stallion finishes and lays down, cuddling with Merry. he asks her about her day and listens intently
>”GOOD fluffies like to meet stallions and have their babies. It’s fun and special hugs feel REALLY good!”
>an old, ratty-looking gray earth pony is dumped into the breeding pit with Meanie
>”NUU! NU WAN!”
>she waddles around the pit until Brent Spiner jabs her in the ass with a cattle prod
>*ZORCH*
>the old fluffy mounts her, slobbering on her back and thrusting sloppily
>”NUUU! NU WAN! NUUUUU!”
>*ZORCH*
>the old fluffy falls off Meanie, landing on his side. he immediately dies of a stroke.
>Meanie, covered in slobber, semen, and probably a few other fluids sits in the pit looking miserable.
>”mah butt stickeh.”
>”BAD fluffies don’t want to have special hugs because they’re stupid pieces of shit who can’t appeciate a good lay.”
>*off camera voice* “Stick to the script, Brent.”
>”Sorry… I was thinking about my ex-wife…”
>
>Part III - Birth
>director’s note: this sequence was filmed three weeks later.
>we finally found Brent passed out in an alley with a Brazilian hooker and woke him up.
>”Urgggh… my head… did that chick have a penis, or…?”
>*off camera voice* “We can check on that for you, Brent.”
>”No, no… better off not knowing. Okay… where were we…”
>the camera shows the two mares laying on tables, breathing heavily
>”Merry and Meanie are in labor. Let’s watch and see what happens.”
>Merry squeezes out three foals. she carefully cleans each one and rotates them on her teats so they all have a chance
>Meanie craps out three foals but one is a runt. she refuses to clean it.
>”nuu cwean stupit babeh!”
>*off camera voice* “Brent, zap her with the cattle prod until she cleans it.”
>”nuu wan!”
>*ZORCH*
>”wahhhhhh! nuu wan cwean stupit babeh!”
>*ZORCH*
>*ZORCH ZORCH ZORCH*
>”wuh… buh…”
>*ZOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORCH*
»*off camera voice* “Careful Brent - don’t set her on fire.”
>”You gonna clean the baby?”
>weeping, the fluffy finally does so.
>”stupit dum babeh…”
>”Now feed it.”
>”NUU! miwlk fo offa babehs!”
>*ZOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORCH*
>”WAHHHHHHHHHHHH! OKAY! FEED BABEH!”
>angry and her lip quivering, Meanie reluctantly feeds the runt
>”GOOD fluffies clean and feed their babies. BAD fluffies don’t clean or feed their babies.”
>Brent takes one of Meanie’s healthy foals from her
>”NUU! NU TAKE BABEH!”
>*ZORCH ZORCH ZORCH*
>Brent hand-feeds the baby with a bottle
>”GOOD fluffies let humans help to take care of the babies. BAD fluffies interfere!”
>Brent casually tosses the foal back into the cage, breaking one of its legs
>”WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
>*ZORCH*
>”God, I love this thing… where can I buy one?”
>*off camera voice* “We got that one from Basspro…”
>
>PART IV - Weaning
>director’s note: this sequence was filmed two weeks later.
>Brent showed up, washed, well-fed and chipper.
>we knew something was wrong.
>*off camera voice* “You okay brent?”
>”Better than okay!”
>*off camera voice* “Probably found Christ or something…”
>camera focuses on the two mares nursing their foals
>”Today is a big day… the babies are going to new homes! They’re going to be loved and cared for and given lots of SPAGHETTI!”
>”weally?”
>”Sure, Merry… let’s go with that.”
>Brent opens Merry’s cage and carefully removes her squirming foals, tickling each one
>*off camera voice* “Send in the adopting families…”
>three beautiful familes, a lovely wife, handsome husband, and charming little boy, all dressed immaculately, walk up to Brent
>”Hello, Mr. Spiner! We’re here for our fluffy!”
>Brent hands them one of Merry’s foals. she looks a little dismayed at first but Brent is a fast talker
>”See, Merry? These are nice people who will give lots of love and spaghetti to your baby!”
>”wuv and spasgettis?”
>”That’s right! Here you go, folks!”
>Brent hands the beaming family the fluffy. they walk off-camera, cuddling it
>*off camera voice* “they can just throw that in the trash on the way out.”
>two more handsome families likewise take Merry’s babies. Brent cheers her up with a cookie
>”GOOD fluffies let people adopt their babies and take them to loving homes with LOT of spaghetti!”
>three perverts in overcoats show up to adopt the other foals
>Brent opens Meanie’s cage and roughly pulls a foal off her teat
>”NUU! NU TAKE BABEH!”
>*WHAM*
>”OWIE! DUN WIKE BWICK!”
>Brent hands the foal to the first pervert, who immediately spreads its little legs wide and starts to unzip his pants
>*off camera voice* “Sir? Sir? Please use the restroom for that. Or the commisary.”
>the pervert nods and hurries off with the crying foal
>Brent hands a foal to the next pervert. he lifts up its tail and examines it, plunging his fingers into its orifice
>”Look okay?”
>”Can I have the female instead?”
>”Sure… but why stick your finger in its ass?”
>”For fun.”
>the second pervert takes the filly and starts inappropriately rubbing her tiny nub of a vulva.
>”eeeeee! bad touchies! nu towch speshal pwace! mama! hewp! mama!”
>the pervert hurries off with the foal
>the third takes his colt, promptly drops his pants, and sticks his dick in its ass
>*off camera voice* “Guess he couldn’t wait.”
>”Sir? Can you… sir? Meh. Whatever.”
>*off camera voice* “Just keep going, Brent, we’ll edit him out in post.”
>”Ahem. BAD fluffies…”
>”Yeah… that’s it… squirm some more… cry for momma… yeah…”
>”AHEM. BAD fluffies don’t let their babies get adopted. And then they get hit with a brick and their foals get raped.”
>*off camera voice* “Good read, Brent.”
>”Thanks… say, have you folks heard the good word about Scientology?”
>*off camera voice* “Oh godammit. You’re fired, Brent.”
>*other off camera voice* “Well what do we do now?”
>*off camera voice* “Focus on the fluffies and cut Brent out of the shot, then get someone else to do the voiceovers.”
>*other off camera voice* “Who?”
>
>”Hello… I’m Ron Perlman for the Fluffy Associated Pro-Breeders. We hope this video has been both helpful and educational.”
>*off camera voice* “Nice read, Ron, thanks.”
>”OH GODAMMIT! THIS FILTHY BITCH SHIT ON MY SHOE!”
>*sounds of a fluffy being choked*
>*off camera voice* “Oh well… we were gonna just throw Meanie into traffic anyway.”
>*more sounds of a fluffy being choked*
>
>pending approval from Fluffy Associated Pro-Breeders
>end tape