>A distincly hoofstep-like set of sounds gently floats into your ears, but it's not a pony walking.  The timing is wrong.
>It's more like jumping.
>Or hopping?
 
>"Hiya, Anon!  Are you practicing basketball?  Because if you are, that's good.  You're doing it completely wrong, and if you're that bad you definitely need the practice!"
 
>"Not now, Pinkie."
 
>"Aw, you sound sad!  What's wrong?  Would a cupcake help?"
 
>"...No, Pinkie.  A cupcake would not help."  You stand up.
 
>"You've got a little blood coming out of your mouth."
 
>"I know."
 
>She frowns and stops bouncing.  "Do ya wanna talk about it?"
 
>"No.  Talking about it is why I'm bleeding."
 
>"Huh?"
 
>"I'm gonna go drink.  You wanna come with me?"
 
>Her smile returns.  "Sure!  It's been ages since I've gotten completely hammered!"
 
>Okay then.  You can deal with this.  So maybe... MAYBE you want to put your dick in a horse.  MAYBE.  And MAYBE she's super pissed off at you now and you've blown your chance.
>Doesn't mean life has to suck.  You and P0nyville's resident party expert are gonna go consume enough alcohol to level Russia.  Sounds like as good a night as any.
>Your mood improves.
>What could possibly go wrong?
 
>Your eyes creak open.
>Oh look, the sun wants to say hello!  Isn't that nice?
>No.  No it is not.  The sun doesn't speak English.  Or Equestrian.  Whatever.
>The sun only speaks in PAIN.
>You immediately slam your eyes shut and reach for the nearest pillow to cover your face, but are surprised to hit something warm and furry.
>Only a really shitty pillow would be furry.  Warm makes sense if it was recently used, though.
>Is that the sound of someone breathing?
>God, everything's so damn hazy right now.  How much did you drink last night?
>You remember... basketball.  And then something bad with Da-
>Oh yeah.
>Okay, you remember WHY you were drinking.
>So then let's see... you got up to go home and... right, Pinkie came with you.
>She pulled out a copy of Equestria's Funniest Home Videos and the two of you played some terrible drinking game.  One that was clearly meant to kill the players like "drink every time the audience laughs."
 
>You're startled out of your thoughts by a yawn.
>Oh shit.
 
>"Morning, Anon!"
 
>Oh SHIT.
 
>In an act of bravery they will sing songs of for ages, you open your eyes and look toward the furry pillow.
 
>"I'm really glad I just happened to bump into you before you went home.  Last night was so much fun!  I got completely hammered, and THEN I got completely hammered!"  She winks at you.  "Round two, big guy?"
 
>Everything is spinning.  Yeah, you're hungover pretty bad, but even if you weren't...
>This is heavy.
>You've managed to completely flip your life upside-down in one day.
>Way to go fuckass!
>Your bro and MAYBE love interest hates your guts (and is taken), you've submitted concrete evidence to the universe that you ARE a furry, and then you had to go ahead and top the shit cake with some extra shit icing by making sure the mare you fucked in a drunken stupor just happened to be one of Dash's best friends - thus ensuring maximum awkwardness from now until the end of time.
 
>"Anon, do you want to put your cinammon stick in my tertiary cake hole or not?"
 
>No!  You want to sort out the love triangl... er, rhombus?  You're gonna go with that.  You want to sort out this love rhombus before you go making any more mistakes!
>Wait, tertiary cake hole?  What does that even MEAN?
 
>Pinkie leaps onto you and pins you to the bed.  "Okay look, I'm gonna be straight here with ya.  Well, okay, I guess it's not really possible to be gay with you, but that's besides the point!  I want to go again, and if you don't say no in the next ten seconds I'm going to interpret your silence as consent and get started."
 
>Ohgod, boner, why?  WHY HAVE YOU BETRAYED ME?
>You could have been forgiven for last night!  Could have said you were drunk and didn't know what you were doing, but this?  You have no excuse!
>Brain, come on pal, veto this dick!
>...
>FUCK YOU, BRAIN.  NEVER THERE WHEN I NEED YOU!  Can't trust that traitorous dick either.
>You suppose you can only listen to the sagely stomach from now on.
>Stomach, advice?  Bacon you say?  Sounds splendid!
 
>Pinkie grins hungrily down at you.  "Party time!"  In one swift, laser-guided motion, you find yourself entangled with Pinkie, engaged in no fewer than three different erotic activities.
>Your mouth is being invaded by a tongue.
>Councillor stomach demands an explanation for this.  That's not bacon!  It's not bacon at all!
>Though it does carry a very pleasant minty flavor.
>Quickly, while your penis is distracted you should make a break for it!
 
>Really?  How retarded ARE you?
>Isn't it a bit late to run away now, anyway?
>You're having sex with Pinkie for at least the second time in the last twenty four hours.  You're going to have to deal with the consequences whether you continue right now or not.  You might as well enjoy yourself.
>Dick, you aren't brain!  You can't logic!  Stop making sense!
>Brain, tell him!
 
>There's a knock at the door.
>Yes!  Saved!  Saved by...
>Somewhere deep in the most idiotic parts of your brain, you wish you had a doorbell.
 
>"Anon?  You in there?  We need to talk!"
 
>FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK
 
>Pinkie stops moving and sits upright.  "Uh... hmmm.  You know, I'm pretty sure this is the first time I've ever been interrupted.  I dunno what I'm supposed to do here.  Do we ignore it and keep going, or what?"
 
>"No, we definitely uh... we need to stop so I can answer the door."  You gently push Pinkie off to one side.  "This might be important."
 
>"'Kay.  I'll wait."
 
>Okay, pants then door.  Think you can manage that without fucking anything up?
>Success!  Gold star for you!  You put on pants and walked to the door and nobody died or got their heart broken!
 
>You make a show of sleepily rubbing your eyes.  "Mfmrglh... mrng.  Er... morning."
 
>"Anon, I need to know two things so I can figure out how mad to be."
 
>You gulp and nod.
 
>"Yesterday... you... you were gonna say what I thought you were gonna say, and you weren't making anything up or playing a prank on me.  Right?"
 
>You nod again.
 
>She chokes back a small sob, tears welling in the corners of her eyes.  "Then why?  Why did you wait so long?"
 
>"Dash, I'm not sure I follow..."
 
>"I... you waited until after I asked Applejack out."  She's doing a really good job of keeping her voice level despite how drenched her face is in sorrow.  "You waited until I couldn't say yes, and now I'm torn because I couldn't stand to lose either of you!  Why couldn't you... why couldn't you have gone before?  Before I realized how I felt about AJ?  Maybe..."
>She sniffles.
>"Maybe if we'd been together, I wouldn't have thought about how lonely I was so much.  Maybe I wouldn't have figured out that I liked her, and then it could've just been me and you?"
 
>Brain?  I know you're there, brain.  Listen, I know we're not on the best terms right now, but I really need your help here.
>You have to tell me what in the FUCK Dash is going on about.
>Can you do that for me?  Please?
>No?
>Well fuck you, too.
 
>"Dash, what are you talking about?  What do you mean before?  We were just bros!  Bros don't bang!"
 
>"Cut the crap, Anon!  Don't pretend you didn't know!  I was as obvious as it gets!  I wanted you so bad, and I made SURE you could tell!"
 
>"You never said anything!"
 
>"Look, we're way past the part where you don't want to hurt my feelings by rejecting me, okay?  You can't just stay quiet and pretend nothing's happening anymore.  There's you, there's me, and there's Applejack, and there's a darn good chance one of us is going to have our heart broken.  So please... please don't make this any worse than it has to be."
 
>"Anon, I got tired of waiting and went to your kitchen to make us some breakfast but you didn't have any eggs so-"
 
>"Pinkie?  What the hay are you doing here?"
 
>"Huh?  Oh, Anon was pretty down yesterday so I came over to cheer him up!"
 
>Dash's face shifts from sadness to confusion.  "Okay, but why are you here today?"
 
>You look over and see Pinkie about to say something.  You have no clue what (who ever does?) but you're more certain than you have been about anything for DAYS that if she keeps talking, there will be blood.
>You shove a hand over her muzzle.
>"Heheh, you know Pinkie.  Always, uh, not making any sense."
 
>Confusion fades and is replaced with a slowly building anger.  "Anon?  I need to know one more thing..."
 
>"It's not what it looks like?"
 
>You can see the rage about to boil over.  You're in such deep shit now... you flinch back as Dash-
 
>Turns and walks away without a word.
 
>You hang your head.
 
>"Did I miss something?"
 
>"Pinkie, I think you should go."
 
>"Aw, but I was gonna make us breakfast!  It was gonna be so scrumptious and wonderful and fantastic as soon as I could get some eggs..."
 
>"Please."
 
>She drops her smile.  She doesn't frown or scowl or anything.  Her face is just... blank.  "Okay, Anon.  I'll go."
 
>You stand in the doorway alone.  A breeze that should be pleasant is instead chilling, doing nothing but reminding you of the stench of your sins - you could use a shower.  You don't care.
 
>For a while, you don't really do much of anything.  You're enough of a fuckup that it's better not to take any risks, right?
>After a few days - you're not sure how many, you haven't left the house - there's a knock at the door.
>You shuffle over and crack it open just a bit.
 
>"Anon, we gotta talk.  Rainbow's been actin' mighty unusual fer a few days and I was hopin' you'd be able to help me snap her out of it."
 
>You shut the door and immediately hear a pounding noise.
 
>"Now just what in tarnation are you doin'?  That is RUDE, Anon!  I know you care enough about Rainbow that ya don't wanna see her mopin' around, so help me put a stop to it!"
 
>You don't respond.
 
>She bucks the door heavily.  "FINE!  If you ain't gonna help, I can always get Pinkie to throw a party for some reason or other."
 
>You sigh and open the door.  "That's probably a bad idea."
 
>"Huh?  Why's that?"
 
>"She's... pretty mad at her.  Probably angrier with me, but still definitely not on good terms with Pinkie."
 
>"Somethin' happen?"
 
>"...You could say that.  I... I screwed up.  Bad."
 
>"Yeah, I figured this was on you.  'Swhy I came to ya."
 
>"You're not mad?"
 
>"I'm a mite upset, sure, but nah.  I ain't mad at ya.  Ponies - and I guess people, too - make mistakes.  I just want Rainbow to be happy.  Truth is, I'm pretty sure she's sweet on ya."
 
>You blink.  "What about you?"
 
>"Listen, I love Rainbow.  I do.  She's one of the most important ponies in my life.  But there's more than one kind of love, sugar.  The last thing I wanna do is hurt her, so when she came to me all blubberin' I couldn't very well just shut her off completely.  So I did the only fair thing.  Gave it a chance.  It's been a few days, and I'm pretty sure we ain't gonna work.  If I'm bein' honest, I think we're both too stubborn.  So yes, I do love Rainbow, and maybe I do like mares.  Heck, you could prob'ly even say she gits my engine revvin'."
>She blushes.
>"But that don't matter none.  Point is, I don't love her the way she needs to be loved.  And right now with how out of sorts she is, I'm figurin' she needs that love more than ever."
>"Now I know you think you ain't interested in ponies like that, but if you'll remember I was sayin' the same thing about mares.  Sometimes ya just gotta give somethin' a chance.  I don't know what kinda love you have for Rainbow.  I don't know how much you care.  But I'm hopin' it's enough for you to give her the chance she deserves."
 
>You stand in stunned silence for a good twenty seconds.
 
>"Anon?  Ya still with me?"
 
>"What do I do?"
 
>"Take Rainbow out on a date, of course."
 
>"No, I mean... she's mad at me."
 
>"Well shoot, I thought you were smarter than that.  You APOLOGIZE, ya big lug."
 
>Who's a silly human?
>You're a silly human!
>Who is?
>You is!
>Stu-pid fuck.
>Saying stupid shit and fucking up relationships - who is?
>You is!
>Stu-pid fuck.
>You herp all day and you herp all night, popping pony boners left and right.
>Dreaming all your sick-fuck dreams, staring at ponies so lustfully.
>Who's a silly human?
>You're a silly human!
>Who is?
>You is!
>Stu-pid fuck.
>Being blind to signals and putting dicks in Pinkie - who is?
>You is!
>Stu-pid fuck.
 
>Are we done here?  Do you feel sufficiently retarded yet?  Good, time to move on.
>"Where is she?"
 
>"By the lake in the park.  She likes that spot a lot."
 
>"Thank you."  You lean down and grab Applejack in a fierce hug.  "You're a good pony."
 
>"Heh... thanks?"  You don't notice, but she's blushing a little.
 
>You put her down, and take off running, not bothering to shut the door behind you.
>Dick, stomach, brain, we all on the same page here?  Operation don't be a piece of shit?
>Good then-
>Weeeeell...
>Brain?  What the fuck is it, and why can't it wait?
>You did kinda plow Pinkie...
>And?  I'm going to apologize to Dash.
>Aren't you forgetting someone?
>God damnit brain, why can't we focus on the mission?
>If you're a piece of shit to anyone, you're a piece of shit.  Do unto others, etcetera?
>But she... she's Pinkie!
>Don't try to pull that, you saw her face and you know it!  She wasn't happy when you told her to leave.
>But... but...
>Y'know, she's at Sugarcube Corner.  You know what else is there?
>YOU SON OF A BITCH, YOU'RE JUST MANIPULATING STOMACH NOW!
>Stomach?  What's your take here?
>DISREGARD BITCHES, ACQUIRE CAKE
>Thought so.
>Okay, we're gonna make a QUICK detour.  QUICK, got it?
 
>You pop into the front door and are relieve to see a fairly peppy looking Pinkie.
 
>"Hiya, Anon!  How are ya?"
 
>"Uh, good, I guess?  Listen, Pinkie, about the other day..."
 
>"Aw, don't worry about it."
 
>"Are you sure?  You're not, like, secretly in love with me or anything?"
 
>She taps a hoof against her chin.  "Nope.  You were sad, so I cheered you up.  I really hadn't been hammered or hammered in forever, so I figured why not?  It was a fun night of no-strings-attached sexy adventures."
 
>"You looked... sad when I told you to leave."
 
>"Well duh!  I wasn't gonna get to make that awesome breakfast!  Plus I was disappointed that I didn't get to go for another spin on your disco stick.  We had a nice night at the Roxbury, but I wanted to try taking you to Studio 54!"
 
>You blink.
 
>"Studio 54 is my ass!"
 
>You shake the... whatever out of your head.
>Okay, brain, we good here?  Dick, you still on your best behavior?
>STOMACH HUNGRY
>Yes, stomach, well aware.  Gonna grab something on to eat on the way, sound good?  Everyone happy?  Everybody set?
>You grab some food and take off for the park.
 
>Dash is lying on her stomach, staring out across the eerily calm water.
>You gently sit down next to her.
>"Hey."
 
>"What do YOU want?"
 
>Pop quiz, brain, is the answer:
>A) To apologize
>B) To see you smile
>C) Your hot flank
>or D) A three-way with you and Applejack?
>Dick, put your hand down.  It's BRAIN'S turn to answer.  You'll get your chance later.
 
>"Applejack doesn't love you."
>SMOOOOOOOOOOOTH, brain.  You get an F+.
 
>"... I know."
 
>"I... uh... I'm sorry.  About everything."
 
>"..."
 
>"I'm a stupid fuckup.  I really didn't know how you felt.  Not that that's necessarily BETTER, but it's the TRUTH.  I'm an idiot."
 
>"Why?"
 
>Again with the non-specific why!  Is she doing that on purpose?
 
>"Why Pinkie?"
 
>"I... I was depressed and drunk and confused and... I don't know.  I don't know what you want to hear on this one.  I'm not even sure what I did was wrong!  As far as I knew, nop0ny loved me and suddenly here comes Pinkie ready and willing to try to make me feel better.  What was I supposed to do, huh?"
 
>"I dunno, not fuck one of my best friends behind my back?"
 
>"But it wasn't, 'behind your back'!  I can't honestly apologize for something that I had no way of knowing would hurt you."
 
>"You totally could've known if you weren't such a stupid jerk!"
 
>"Okay, yeah.  I can apologize for being a dumbass.  That... that's all me.  I can even swear to you that if I knew... I would NEVER have done it.  Making girls cry is against the code."
 
>"That makes me feel SO much better, knowing that some dumb little code would be the only thing stopping you from breaking my heart!"
 
>"Are you trying to make new reasons to be mad at me now?  That's not the only thing!  God damnit Dash, I CARE about you!  When I realized what was going on... when I saw the look on your face when you found out about Pinkie, I was crushed!  That look could destroy armies.  Why do you think I didn't leave the house for however many days?"
 
>"...You didn't leave your house?"
 
>"No.  I didn't.  I sat there and wallowed in self-pity.  Which maybe isn't the best course of action, but if all I'd done wrong was violate the code I wouldn't have turned into a giant quivering shitpile like that.  It took a pretty damn impressive speech from Applejack to turn me around."
 
>She turns to face you.  "Applejack?  But she doesn't-"
 
>"No way.  Don't even think it.  She cares about you.  She loves you."
 
>"Then why doesn't she want to be with me?"  She blinks away a few fresh tears.  "Why didn't you want to be with me?"
 
>"I can't speak for others-"
 
>"Am I too stupid?  Loud?  Ugly?"
 
>"What?  No!  None of that!  I'M the dumb piece of shit, not you.  And you're not ugly.  Not even close.  If I'm being completely, 100% honest with myself, I think I always found you attractive.  I was just denying it because I didn't want to admit that I would love nothing more than to repeatedly put my dick into and take it back out of horses.  It's kindof frowned upon where I'm from."
 
>She almost smiles.
 
>"I'm never going to let my penis into any of Pinkie's various 'cake-holes' again, and I'm giving you free reign to hit me whenever I say or do something that hurts you.  You're... I don't even know what I would DO around here without you.  You're...
>Okay brain, please hold on and don't interrupt.
>Why?  What are you about to do?
>Trust me, it's awesome.
>Not buying it.
>Can't hear you!  Talking to Dash!
>"When there's lightning bringing me down... when it's cold and I've lost my hold to the shadows of the night-"
>OH COME ON, YOU CAN'T SERIOUSLY BE DOING THIS?  IT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE!  THAT'S NOT WHAT THE SONG IS ABOUT AT ALL!
>"-when there's no sign of the morning coming-"
>This is easily the stupidest thing you've ever said!
>Nope.  It's fuckin' Dio, man!  DIO!
>"You're my rainbow in the dark."
>GAWD YOU SUCK SOOOO BAAAAAD
>Shut it, you know I rock.  Dio rocks.
>There is a difference between rocking and being romantic you sweaty, festering asshole!
 
>Dash blinks a few times.
 
>"Eheh... what I'm trying to say here is, Dash, you're the best pony.  The BEST.  It'd be stupid of me on so, so many levels to not do everything I can to keep you happy.  So... please.  Can you give me the chance to show you how almost worthwhile I can be?  I promise I'm at least 35% of a useful person.  I can understand simple instructions and occasionally say something witty!  I can quote Spaceballs verbatim, and sometimes when the moon is just right, I can say something to make a friend feel better.  Act now and I'll throw in a lifetime supply of trying not to eat the last slice of pizza!"
 
>"Anon, shut up."
 
>"What?"
 
>It's easy to forget just how fast Dash can be.  You didn't blink, but you still didn't see her move into place in front of you.
 
>She puts a hoof on your chest.  "Just stop talking.  It's not... you don't need to say any more.  You won this before you even got here."
>She leans in and presses her lips to yours.
>It feels... right.
 
>Long after the kiss ends, the two of you are still wrapped in eachother's embrace, neither of you wanting to move for fear of shattering this beautiful, fragile moment.
>After how many times you screwed up, you're not sure how you got the good ending.  All you can remember is a string of failures and an impious boning.
>But it's okay, because you're right where you need to be.
>You have Dash, and your stomach is even full.
 
>Hey.
>Hey.
>HEY.
>What?
>Three-way.  Go for it.
>What?  But Applejack is-
>Totally still physically attracted to Dash.
>Yeah but-
>Come on, what happened to "you'll get your turn later?"
>Isn't Dash enough?
>But... but... three-way!
>Maybe if there's ever a clop, okay?
>YAY!
 
>...(hehe... sucker - there's never gonna be clop!)