>Chillaxin' with The Dash at your place.
>You've got a really good sports failures video playing - SO MANY TESTICLE INJURIES! - and yet for some reason Dash seems distracted.
 
>"You okay bro?"
 
>"Huh?  Oh, yeah.  I'm just... I don't know what I'm gonna do tomorrow."
 
>You raise an eyebrow.  "What's tomorrow?"
 
>"Seriously?  Everyp0ny's been going nuts for a week.  Tomorrow is Hearts and Hooves Day."
 
>"Uhhh..."
 
>"Really?  Jeez.  Hearts and Hooves Day is all about mushy lovey gunk."
 
>Your eyes widen with comprehension and you snap your fingers.  "Ooh, like Valentine's Day!"
 
>"Probably?"
 
>"Sounds gay," you spit as deadpan as possible, completely abandoning all pretense of enthusiasm.
 
>Dash looks a little uncomfortable.  "So you lacking a hawt date?"
 
>"Situation's... kinda complicated.  See there's... I've got a target.  PLENTY hot.  But, uh... I sorta haven't admitted how I feel yet."
 
>"Ah, gotcha.  So you're standing around like a pussy because you're afraid of rejection."
 
>She glares at you.  "It's not always that simple, Anon.  I have reasons."
 
>"Reasons?  Or EXCUSES?"
 
>"Look, it's... the relationship would be weird.  Some ponies might say 'unnatural' or something stupid.  Whatever, listen, I'm gonna head home.  I'm not sure what I'm going to do tomorrow... I dunno, MAYBE I'll meet you in the park at like three?  It really depends."
 
>You nod your head.  "Whatever, pussy.  Yeah.  I'm not doing anything.  I'll swing by."
 
>"Cool.  Later, I guess."  She steps out the door and takes to the skies.
 
>Hearts and Hooves Day, eh?  God, you've been single for a LONG time now.  How many months have you been here?  You broke up with your last girlfriend like... four months before you ended up here, and now you've sorta lost track of time.
>There's probably no way back, so maybe you ought to consider finding a good place to put your dick around here.  I mean, it's not really like you could be judged for being a furry.  Not that you were.  Or are.  But if you WERE, they couldn't judge you for it.  Because they're all furries.
>Err, wait... no that isn't quite right.  It's probably still going to be considered weird.
>Damn.
>...
>What?  Lamenting being single forever isn't the same as admitting sexual deviancy!
 
>Whatever.  You decide to go to bed early.
 
>Even though you went to bed early, you still sleep way late.  You eventually crawl out of bed and realize you have nothing to do today.
>So you head to the park.  Sure, you don't need to be there for hours, but what the fuck else are you gonna do?
>As you come around the last corner to bring the nice little lakeside spot into view, you see Dash lying there.  That's odd.
 
>"Didn't you have some shit to figure out today, Dash?"
 
>"Huh?  Oh."  Dash rubs a hoof on the back of her neck and looks at the ground.  "I sorta... uh..."
 
>"Still too much of a pussy to go for it, huh?"
 
>"Anon I-"
 
>"No, it's alright.  I get it.  I just thought you were more awesome than that."
 
>She stomps a hoof.  "Would you LISTEN for a second?"
 
>"Can't hear you over the sound of your failure!  Also?  Everyone knows that ponies who are into the sick shit you're into don't deserve love."
 
>"I just... I-"
 
>Oh shit... is she crying?  Fuck.  Playful ribbing, not merciless mocking!  Dial that shit down before you hurt somebody!
>"...Sorry.  You okay?"
 
>"No!  I'm not, Anon.  I'm really not."
 
>"Hey, listen, let's get out of here, alright?  Anywhere in public today, you're just gonna see couples everywhere and I'm pretty sure that can't possibly make anything better.  I know a spot in the woods.  If you want, we can-"
>You feel can practically feel your testicles falling off at how unmanly you're about to be.
>"-talk this all out.  Figure out your feelings and help you through whatever's wrong."
 
>She looks up at you with a weak smile as she wipes away a few tears.  "Okay."
 
>The two of you set off for a woodsy little grove on the edge of town.  The further away from town you get, the more uneasy Dash becomes.
 
>"You seem tense."
 
>"Don't... don't worry.  We're kinda heading toward the farms... you said there wouldn't be anyp0ny around where we're going, right?"
 
>"Yeah."
 
>"Should uh... should be fine then."
 
>You eventually arrive at your destination.  You're maybe five minutes away from Sweet Apple Acres, but you're surrounded on all sides by dense shrubbery and trees and shit.  You sit on a log.
>"So.  You have a problem.  What can I do to help?"
 
>"I'm... okay Anon, this is gonna be kindof a weird question, but stay with me here."
 
>"Sure thing."
 
>"How do you tell the difference between friendship and love?"
 
>"That's a hard question to answer.  You just sorta... know."
 
>"Yeah, THAT'S helpful."
 
>"Sorry."
 
>"Look, there's... I have all my friends, and I feel pretty much the same way about most of them.  But there's one in particular that I feel... different about.  And I can't really explain it."
 
>"Whoa, hang on, weren't you saying something about the attraction being 'unnatural' or some bullshit?"
 
>"It... uh... it is.  Think about who my friends are."
 
>"Not seeing it."
 
>"You're pretty thick sometimes, Anon."
 
>"Could you gimme a clue?"
 
>She sighs and facehoofs.  "Okay.  The last time you were in a relationship, what was your partner like?"
 
>"Uh... she was funny, I guess?"
 
>"No, like, not her personality."
 
>"A redhead."
 
>"No!  I mean... okay, was she a hermaphrodite dolphin from another planet?"
 
>"OOOH.  No.  She was a a human female from, er, the same planet."
 
>"Okay.  And that's normal, right?"
 
>"Yeah."
 
>"So, normally, what should my partner in a relationship be?"
 
>"A male pony from this planet?"
 
>"Bingo.  Now, are any of my friends stallions?"
 
>"No."
 
>"..."
 
>"..."
 
>"You're so STUPID!  It's Applejack, okay?"
 
>"Alright, well, Sweet Apple Acres is right over there!"
 
>A few tears leak out of her eyes.  "I... I told you last night.  Some ponies think it's unnatural."
 
>"Yeah, and they're stupid.  Lesbians are AWESOME!"
 
>"Yeah, well a traditional country mare like Applejack doesn't agree."
 
>"Hey, you never know until you try, right?"
 
>She looks like she's barely holding back a goddamn FLOOD of tears.
 
>"Oh... so you already?"
 
>"Yeah."
 
>"And she said no?"
 
>Dash closes her eyes and nods.
 
>You put an arm around her.  "I'm sorry."
 
>She doesn't say anything.
 
>"I'm not, like, good at this kinda sappy stuff.  But I just want you to know, I've got your back.  You need a wingman, I've got your back.  You need to vent or rant, I'll be around.  You need to drown your sorrows in alcohol, I can help you."
>You make ridiculous 'gang signs' with your hands.  "You're my dawg, bro."
 
>She chuckles a bit.  "Thanks."
 
>"No problem.  You uh, you wanna get away from Sweet Apple Acres now?  My bad dragging you out here."
 
>She nods.
 
>"Where you wanna go?"
 
>"I don't care.  Anywhere but here."
 
>"Well, there are still a billion couples making out in the streets, and you seem to have plenty of sorrow in need of drowning... wanna get hammered and make fun of Applejack for being a very silly pony?  I know a song you might like..."
 
>Alcohol makes the hours melt away.  It got real late when you weren't looking, but you can't complain too much.  You and Dash have been having a wonderful time, and she seems to have cheered up a lot.
>You take some of the credit for that.
>Your jokes about Applejack involving actual apples in the bedroom got quite a few laughs out of Dash.
>See, mom?  I told you drinking made everything better!  You were just doing it wrong!
 
>Dash nudges you.  "Hey Anon?"
 
>"'Sup?"
 
>"I uh... I've had a lot.  A LOT."
 
>"I know.  I was there."
 
>The two of you share a goofy grin.
 
>"Yeah, so, um... not sure I should try to fly anywhere like this."
 
>"Say no more.  It's pretty standard procedure.  Part of the code.  If you invite bros over for drinks, be prepared to allow them to sleep on whatever surfaces you have available.  It just so happens I've got a pretty bitchin' couch that isn't in use when I'm asleep."
 
>She wobbles toward you and wraps a wing around you in a weird hug-like way.  "Thanks.  For tonight.  You're... you don't get enough credit around here for the cool stuff you do."
 
>"Yeah, well doing cool things for the credit isn't actually cool.  I try to do what's right because it's right, not because I want a cookie."
 
>She smiles warmly and pulls her wing off of you.  "I'm gonna go commit a warcrime in your bathroom now.  I think the cheese on those nachos was bad."
 
>"Thank you so much for sharing that delightful tidbit."
 
>She's got a huge, shit-eating grin.  "Hey, it's part of the code, right?  Can't desecrate the air supply without a warning or an apology?"
 
>"Right.  I think I'm gonna go pass out.  Mi casa es su casa, or however the saying goes.  In the morning, we'll go get something from Pinkie and then... I dunno... basketball or something."
 
>"Sounds good."
 
>That night, you dream about Applejack and Rainbow Dash having sicknasty lesbian horse sex.
>You find it frighteningly arousing.
>The pure, unfiltered hatred that mentally deficient creatures call 'sunlight' storms through your eyelids and starts cooking your brain.  You wake up wishing for death.  You briefly consider, but then soundly veto, declaring that you drank too much last night.
>You grab a quick shower and slide into the living room to find Dash snoring on your couch with TV still on.
 
>She's cute when she's sleeping.
>Where the fuck did THAT come from?
 
>You turn around to go find something to do and stub your toe.
>"Ah FUCK!"
 
>Dash shoots upright "Huhwhuzzawho?"
 
>You sit on the floor cradling your super serious and manly injury you got fighting a tiger or some shit.
>"Sorry.  That was just me."
 
>She rubs her eyes.  "Can you turn down the lights?"
 
>"'Fraid not.  That's the sun."
 
>She groans.  "Figures.  The one time you really need Nightmare Moon..."
 
>"Deal with it.  Now get up, assbutt, some food has an appointment with our stomachs."
 
>"Food is good."
 
>"Such wisdom!"
 
>She trots over to you and punches you in the shoulder.  "Less talking, more walking."
 
>You stand up and salute her.  "Sir yes sir!  Lemme just find my shoes."
 
>She nods and heads to the door and you flail around like a stroke victim looking for the OTHER shoe that was RIGHT THERE LAST NIGHT WHERE THE FUCK DID IT GO?
>Oh, there it is.
>You slip it on and turn to go out when you're suddenly hit by the distinct sensation of your pants being a size or two too small.
>Boner, what are you doing here?  This is afterdrunk breakfast run!  This is no place for boners!
>Luckily, Dash isn't looking in your direction right now.  She's facing the other way, so unless she's got eyes on her pert little flank she...
>...
 
>Aw, fuck.  WHY, BONER?  WHY?  PONY NOT FOR SEXING!
 
>Huh... that usually doesn't work.  You were able to talk him down.  Well then.  Maybe a crossed wire?  A fluke?  You and Dash are going to walk down to Sugarcube Corner and there will be no more boners?
>Let's hope so.
 
>You both head out the door, walking pretty much side by side.  Fortunately, this prevents even the remote possibility of you staring at succulent forbidden fruits that you-
>God DAMNIT you are not attracted to ponies!  NO!  THAT IS NOT A TRUE THING!
>Regardless, even if you WERE, which you are NOT, you two are walking side by side and so you won't be looking in any untoward directions.
 
>"So hey, Anon, I've been thinking... about Applejack."
 
>"Are you sure that's a good idea?"
 
>"I'm fine... I mean, I'm not even sure- Okay, remember yesterday?  I asked how you can tell the difference between friendship and something more.  I've never really, y'know, dated or whatever.  I'm honestly not sure what sort of feelings I'm even looking for.  All I know is that I feel DIFFERENT about Applejack than the rest of the girls.  That doesn't necessarily mean I'm in love with her, does it?"
 
>Shit, why's she gotta ask you questions about this kinda stuff?  You don't know anything!  You're apparently still in denial about your own fee- NO YOU ARE NOT.
>YOU ARE JUST AROUSED BY VAGINAS IN GENERAL, ESPECIALLY GIVEN HOW LONG YOU HAVE NOW BEEN SINGLE.
>Dash is your bro, nothing more.
>... says the man who was just talking feelings with her the other day.
>SHUT THE FUCK UP DON'T JUDGE ME FEELINGS CAN BE MASCULINE
>Even if you DID want more, WHICH YOU DO NOT, she's apparently a lesbian  so you are barking up the wrong tree.
 
>"Anon?"
 
>Right... you've been tripping over your own stupidity for several seconds now instead of answering her.
>"Uh... yes?  I'm sorry I'm not more help here, I'm just... me not am gud at feels."
 
>"Don't worry about it too much.  Let's just head in and grab some food."
 
>Huh, you got here faster than you expected.  The two of you step inside and Pinkie bounces up to the counter.
 
>"Hiya, Dashie!  Didja have any Apple Pie yesterday?"  She wiggles her eyebrows suggestively.
 
>"Well, no, but how the hay did you know I wanted any?"
 
>"Boring, next question!"
 
>"Seriously, how did you-"
 
>"I said next question!"
 
>You clear your throat.  "Food?"
 
>Pinkie nods.  "Okay, I'll be right back.  I'm sorry yesterday didn't go the way you wanted.  That's two in a row without a lot of time to heal.  Maybe I can set you up with one of those stallions we met last month?"
 
>Stallions?  So she's NOT a lesbian?
>No boner, that doesn't actually change the fact that you aren't interested.
>I said are NOT interested!
 
>Dash shrugs.  "I'm... I'm okay.  I'll think about it."
 
>The tell-tale jingle of the doorbell makes your blood turn to ice.  You're pretty sure it isn't supposed to do that...
>Applejack just walked in.
 
>"Rainbow, can we talk?"
 
>"Maybe.  Maybe I'm busy?"
 
>"Come on now, I may have been... less than invitin', but I didn't think I was outright hostile to ya or nothing'."
 
>"I'm... I'm a bit hung over, and I'm starving, okay?  Did you just want to apologize for the way you said it?  I've already forgiven you."
 
>Applejack shuffles her hooves and looks down.  "Not ezackly.  I'd really like a chance to talk."
 
>"I'm not going anywhere."
 
>"In private."
 
>Dash looks at you for a second before turning back to Applejack.  "Anything you want to say to me, Anon can hear too."
 
>Applejack blushes furiously.  "Well now this is gonna be 'plum awkward."
 
>"Look, AJ, I'm not mad at you.  If you're not into mares you're not into mares.  Sure, it sucks-"
 
>"What would you say if my barn door DID swing that way?"
 
>Dash looks angry.  "Well for starters I'd want to know why you're jerking me around about it."
 
>"I jes'... look, I was raised REAL traditional-like.  Mares an' mares... it ain't natural, that's what Granny always told me.  I kept telling myself.  You're a right pretty mare, Rainbow, ain't no denyin' that.  I want... I want to give us a try.  I think maybe I do have feelings for ya an just can't admit it on account of my upbringing."
 
>"I say you two should go for it.  Dash really cares about you, and you shouldn't immediately close off a possibility because you think it's weird.  Experimenting isn't wrong."
>Except when you do it, boner.  It is completely wrong for you.  Go directly to jail do not pass go do not collect $200 wrong.
 
>Applejack blushes again.  "So whaddaya say, Rainbow?  Can ya forgive me and give me a chance here?"
 
>Dash leans over the table and plants her lips on Applejack's.
>You silently thank the table for hiding your secret shame-powered erection.
 
>She pulls back.  "I think so."
 
>You hear that?  She's taken now.  Give up.  Go home.  Forsake this unholy obsession and pursue the much more righteous path of dying alone, but unsoiled by horsedicking.
>Logic wins!  Penis retreats!
 
>Though that negative, sadness-like feeling sure doesn't seem appropriate considering the win-win situation here.  Dash gets the lovin' she deserves and you get to continue to claim purity.  What about that could possibly make you feel BAD?
 
>"So hey, Anon, I uh... I'm gonna take AJ here out on the date I had planned for yesterday.  Don't worry, I won't disappear.  I'll still make time to hang out with you, just not every night.  Maybe even bring my new marefriend with me.  See you tomorrow?"
 
>"Sounds good, Dash."
 
>For reasons beyond your comprehension, you find yourself driven to drink heavily again that night.
>You dream again of those two engaging in erotic tomfoolery, again denying you thought it was hot even in the face of overwhelming dick-based evidence, but find that the alcohol and pleasant dream haven't washed away that strange morose feeling.
 
>Dash knocks on your door early in the afternoon and invites you out for basketball.
>Applejack is there, but even numbers work better and so a fourth pony was brought along.  Some pegasus stallion you've never met before.
>You have a hard time focusing on the game.
>What's wrong with you?
>You can't seriously...
>I mean, BESIDES the fact that she's a pony (who you are NOT attracted to), she's your BRO.
>You'd have to consult the rulebook to be sure, but you're reasonably confident that this is a massive violation.
>AND she's taken.  Do you spend huge, unreasonable amounts of time pining for women you already had your shot at who ended up with someone else?
>Don't answer that.
>...
>The answer is yes.
>The answer is ALSO irrelevant because no because of reasons A B and C as outlined above.
 
>The game is over.  You and Random Stallion Guy lost, which honestly even if you had been paying attention was probably inevitable.
>Dash and Applejack are P0nyville's top atheletes, afterall.  Whose bright idea was it for those two to be on the same team, anyway?
 
>Two shining paragons of fitness, both with no small amount of pride in their abilities and fairly mean competitive streaks, couldn't possibly be bested by mere mortals like you and No Name.
>They didn't even break a sweat!
>See?  Both dry as a bone.  Not a drop of moisture anywhere on either of those fine bodies.
 
>...
>Did you just?
>No.
>GOD.
>FUCKING.
>DAMNIT.
 
>NO!
 
>One is TOLERABLE.  Heck, maybe even FUNNY if you spin it just right.
>But TWO ponies?  Unacceptable.  Absolutely, unquestionably unacceptable.
>What would even... what's your endgame there, a three-way?
>There isn't a single imaginable scenario in which a three-way between Dash, Applejack, and a human is even REMOTELY okay.
>Who would want to see something like that?  A sick fuck, that's who!  And you're NOT one of those!
 
>And even if you WERE, you were never one for mindless sex with people you don't really care about.  You barely know Applejack!
>...>implying you care about Dash.
>Okay, whoever is saying that shit?  SHUT IT.  YOU AREN'T FUNNY AND YOU AREN'T RIGHT AND I HATE YOU AND I DO NOT WANT TO PUT MY DICK BETWEEN HORSE A AND HORSE B, NO MATTER WHICH HORSES ARE SELECTED FOR THAT PURPOSE.
>Whatever you say, man.  By the way - ding.  Welcome to bonertown, population: you.
 
>"So Anon, would ya mind terribly if Rainbow and I stopped by your place tonight fer... what was it called... BASH?  'Booze and stupid shit'?  I've got some powerful cider ya might wanna try."
 
>"Nah, he'd love it.  New and exciting alcohol is new and exciting, right Anon?"
 
>As confused as you totally aren't about whatever it is you aren't feeling right now, you could use some booze and/or stupid shit to relax with.  "How's seven?"
 
>"Sounds great!"
 
>"I'll catch up with you in a sec, AJ."
 
>"Sure, sugar."  She starts to trot away.  Whatshisname is already gone.
 
>"You okay, Anon?  You were pretty out of it back there."
 
>"Huh?  Oh.  Yeah, I dunno.  I've... I'm not sure what to think lately.  Everything's a little weird."
 
>"Well hey, you're there for me, I'm here for you.  Wanna talk about it?"
 
>No.
>No no no.  Don't do it.
>Don't you say a word.  Don't you FUCKING say A WORD.
>"... I think I might be-"
>SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH RIGHT THIS SECOND BEFORE I-
>"-developing some feelings."
 
>A look of comprehension dawns across Dash's face, followed quickly by one of horror.
>She seems (rightfully) disgusted by the implications of that statement.
>"Anon, are you saying what I think you're saying?"
 
>"... yeah."
 
>Why is the world sideways and why is there suffering where your jaw is supposed to be?
>Oh, you're bleeding.  Okay.  The suffering is because of the same thing that's making you bleed.
>The world isn't sideways, you're just lying on the ground.
>So okay then.  Mysteries solved.
>Now why the hell are you on the ground and bleeding?
 
>"Don't you do this to me, Anon!  Don't you DARE do this!"
 
>You start to push yourself into a sitting position.
 
>"How could you even do something like that?  How awful do you have to be to wait until now?  There's... there's no good way for this to end!  One or more hearts are gonna end up broken, maybe even more damage than that!  I know you aren't good with feelings, but this... you can't... UGH!"
>She blasts out of there at a crazy speed, the shockwave from her takeoff sending you rolling a few feet across the basketball court.
>You aren't so injured that you can't move, but you can't find the motivation to stand at the moment.
>You lie there, bleeding just a bit and feeling the warm rays of the sun on your body.
>There's a very faint breeze.
>It's quiet.
>...
>