THIS IS COMPLETE BULLSHIT - PT2 (FOR REAL THIS TIME)
 
>Every fibre of your being is clinging to a future where you don't go to this party.  Something vastly more ancient and infinitely more primal than simple fear has made certain you understand - to attend this party is to invite a fate considerably darker than death upon yourself and all that you have ever cherished.
 
>Seriously, what the FUCK is up with that?  Did you recently get hypnotized?  Have you been poisoned?  Did you eat spoiled food?
>Do you... have gas, maybe?
>Whatever it is, it doesn't matter.  It's pretty fucking compelling, and so to the party you shan't go.
 
>You turn around and take a step toward your kitchen, but between one footstep and the next you go tumbling into darkness and lose most of your motion.  You can wriggle - but not much - as you bob up and down through the void.  It smells faintly of potatoes in this empty place.
>Probably because it's a potato bag you sack of ignorant shit?  You're being abducted.
>Wait, really?  Shit.  Where are they taking me?
>If you knew that, you'd already know that!
>Wait, yeah, -I- don't know, but what about you?
>I'm not even a thing.  Narrative voice pretending to be a character for the sake of comedy.  You should probably stop talking to me before the gag gets old.
>Oh.  Okay.
 
>Suddenly, you stop moving.
>"Aw, turnip whiskers.  Those are a thing I can use as an exclamation of exhasperation, right?  Anyway, dang.  Anon, are you okay?  I totally forgot to find out if you were allergic to potatoes or not.  I really hope you aren't or everything's gonna be super duper ruined!"
 
>"Pinkie?"
 
>"Ooh, you're still talking!  That means you're probably not allergic because if you were your throat would swell shut and you wouldn't be able to breathe.  And you can't talk if you can't breathe!  I learned that one the hard way."
>The bobbing motion of the burlap sack resumes.
 
>"Pinkie, let me out of here!  Kidnapping is RUDE!"
 
>"Sorry, but I can't do that.  A combo that big couldn't be wrong - you need to come to the party!"
 
>At the mention of this for some reason incredibly dreaded party, you start sweating.  "B-but you already gave me an invitation.  Why the bag?"
 
>"Duh.  I could hear you hyperventilating and I knew you were nervous about it.  And that's fair - you're still pretty new here and a lot of embarassing things could happen, but trust me.  In the end, you won't regret it."
 
>"As I've discussed pretty extensively with our mutual associate, FUCK future me!  I don't care if I don't regret it later.  I don't want to NOW!  I really, really, REALLY don't want to..."
>Holy shit, are you... crying?  Yeah, you've got a terrible feeling about this, but come the fuck on.  It's a goddamn PARTY.  Why are you CRYING?
>You sniffle some of the bitch-fluids back inside your face.
>"Please.  PLEASE, Pinkie.  Don't make me go.  I'm begging you..."
 
>She stops again, plopping the bag roughly on the ground.  You take the opportunity to scramble for the opening and manage to get halfway out before she stops you.
>"Anon, there are three things in the world that are more important than anything else.  Which of the three things makes a pony happiest is going to depend on what kind of pony they are, but it's always, ALWAYS one of the same three things, whether a pony realizes it or not."
>She breathes a deep, calm breath.
>"The three L's are the very foundations of bliss, and it would be wrong of me to do anything  that pushes you away from them.  And at this party, all three will be there in spades."
 
>"The three L's?"
 
>"I Pinkie Pie Promise you that future you will be infinity times happier if you go to this party than if you don't go.  It may be a little uncomfortable now, but some day present you is going to come out of that coccoon and become future you."
 
>You realize you've still got some tear streaks on your face and hastily wipe them away.
>"Pinkie, I can't.  I just..."
 
>"There you two are!"
>Batman comes running down the path.
>"Pinkie, what the shit are you doing?  I told you about the change in plans!"
 
>"You had your turn.  We're doing things my way now."  She sticks out her tongue.
 
>"You can't!"
 
>"Listen mister, I think everp0ny knows that I know way more about Laughter than you ever will, and judging by how bad you are at this I'd say I know a lot more about Love, too.  Do I need to go for all three?"
 
>He growls and dives at her, one fist right out front.  She steps to the side and he falls over.  You know you were just referring to him as Batman because of the costume and for the sake of convenience, but JESUS CHRIST DUDE, IF YOU'RE GOING TO BE BATMAN AT LEAST LEARN TO THROW A FUCKING PUNCH!
 
>He jumps to his feet and goes on the attack again, and Pinkie once again effortlessly bounces out of harm's way.
>"We can't risk it!  I barely managed to contain the aftermath of your fuckup with the bees."
 
>"I already said I was sorry about that, and I got Twilight all fixed up, too!"
 
>"But you know what happened AFTER, and this could be a thousand times worse!"
 
>"My combos don't lie."
 
>"I'm pretty sure your combos don't account for temporal fluctuations!"
 
>You snap your head to face the false-Batman.
>"What did you just say?"
 
>"Aw, fuck... look what you made me do, Pinkie!  We're going COMPLETELY off the goddamn rails now.  We have no data on anything like this!"
 
>"Excuse me, hello, guy whose fate you're arguing over here?  WHAT THE FUCK?"
 
>He facepalms.  "Look, you need to quit being so fucking selfish, and don't let Pinkie tell you otherwise.  It doesn't matter how happy you are - I'm just trying to make sure the universe doesn't END."
 
>That... might be what the awful feeling in your stomach was relating to.  If "I have a bad feeling about this" feelings are proportional to how terrible the thing is, then comparing that feeling to the feeling you got before you jumped the fence into the tiger enclosure... yeah.  Universe-ending peril seems about right.
>You stand and brush yourself off.
>"Okay then.  NOT going to that party, see you some other time."
 
>Pinkie does some kind of tackle-hug, pinning you to the ground and flashing you the most sincere smile you've ever seen.
>"Life without Laughter or Love or Lesbians isn't worth living, Anon.  I swear to you in the name of all that is pastry, things will be okay.  Go to the party."
 
>Batman, blessed be he (even if not truly him), has seen fit to grace you with meat.  Both he and every sense you have urge at the highest levels of logic and reason and feeling that you not go.  The risk is too great.
>Pinkie Pie, a pony you met fairly recently but who has always done her best to make others happy, swears to you that not going is a mistake.
>This should be easy.
>...
>Why isn't it easy?
>Brain, we good on this?  Don't do it?
>Stomach, I have meat back home.
>Liver?  Alcohol at home, too.
>Dick?  Porn.
>Foreboding sense of doom?  Stay home, right?
>Everybody agrees.
>...
>Why isn't it easy?
 
>Dear sweet Jesus help you, you're at the party.
>Everything looks and sounds and smells and tastes like nothing's wrong, but you can't erase the feeling of a looming apocalypse.
>You aren't having a very good time, shivering and sweating in the corner by the punch.
>Most of the others seem to be enjoying themselves, so good for them?
>Why are you even HERE?  God this was the stupidest idea...
>You reach for the ladle drifting around the punch bowl.
>Your hand bumps into Twilight's hoof.
 
>"Oh, hi Anon."
 
>"H-hey Twilight.  Having... having a good time?"
 
>She shivers a little.
>"To tell you the truth, not really.  I feel really awful, and I don't even know why."
 
>"Oh.  Uh... what kind of awful?  Like, are you sick or something?"
 
>"No. I just... I can't explain it.  It's almost as if something is deeply wrong on a cosmic scale."
 
>You gulp.  That's a good fucking sign.
>"You uh, you don't say?"
 
>Something blue catches your eye.  Dash has just landed near you.
>"Hey Anon!  Pinkie says we're gonna play some kinda drinking game in a few minutes.  You in?"
 
>You're still sweating bullets.  The world hasn't been torn asunder yet, but the feeling won't go away.
>Drinking would probably help soothe your nerves.
>"Sure.  What about you, Twilight?"
 
>She smiles, but it looks a bit forced.
>"I'd hate to be a party pooper, and I'm pretty sure everyp0ny else will be playing.  I might as well."
 
>"Awesome!  I'll go round up Fluttershy and Rarity and AJ!"
>She jets off to the far corner of the room to coax yellowquiet out of hiding.
 
>You quickly down a glass of punch, and are completely blown away by how rapidly the feeling washes away.
>It's almost like you're just some guy at a party with some friends.  You aren't sure what this means.
>"Hey Twilight..."
 
>"Yes?"
 
>"Do you... suddenly feel a lot better?"
 
>Her face scrunches up a little.  "I do.  How did you know?"
 
>"I don't think it matters.  I guess... I guess there's nothing to worry about.  The false Batman is just a temptress of the fleshy pleasures."
 
>Twilight gives you an accusing look.
 
>"That, uh, came out a lot more awkward than I meant for it to.  Forget I said anything.  Let's just have a good time here."
 
>She smiles and nods.
 
>"Fillies and slightly more masculine fillies and then that one dude over there with the dong, it is time!  Those of you with weak constitutions may want to just sit and watch the game unfold.  We are going to play a little game I like to call OH SHIT, MY LIVER MADE ME SAY WHAT?"
>She holds up a remote and a shot glass.
>"We are going to watch a bad horror movie, and every time a character is killed or maimed as a direct result of something stupid they did, we are all going to drink.  But wait, there's more!  That would be fun, but not fun enough.  With each and every drink, we will resume an ongoing game of Truth or Dare!  The game is over when the movie ends.  I've seen good ponies go to JAIL playing this game, and I hope for nothing less than the best from all of you!  So without further ado, may I present our movie for the evening - Winter Stab-Up 5!"
 
>The room breaks into uproarious cheers.  There are a good two dozen ponies here, ready and waiting to get fablosutely shucking fit aced.
>You're incredibly shocked that your sense of impending doom disappeared BEFORE this was announced and hasn't returned.
 
>Dash jabs you in the rib.
>"We can take these chumps."
 
>It hasn't even been an hour yet, and you can no longer see straight.  This movie is AWFUL.
>Oh look, another pony who heard a strange noise and went to investigate.  Cue needlessly gory death presented courtesy of the worst fucking acting you've ever seen in 3... 2... 1... bingo.
>You slam down a shot of who even cares what anymore as the movie is paused.
>The eight remaining players form a circle and your stomach does a little flip.
>Shit, are you about to go down?  You thought you could handle your liquor better than that...
>No wait... this is something else.
>Fuck, it's the doom thing!  It's back.
>Why is it back?
>You're not sure, what with the inebriation and all, but you think it's even worse than before.
>Was that break just the calm before the storm?
>Your eyes shift around the room for several seconds until somep0ny coughs.
 
>"Huhwha?"
 
>"It's you.  We're waiting.  Truth or dare?"
 
>"Oh, uh..."
>Shit, fuck, shit.  There's got to be a way out of this... a way to clamp your tail between your legs and run home to hide.
>There's a crack of thunder outside.
>Maybe you can fake an injury on a dare?
>"Dare."
 
>"Eat this.  No questions."
>Whoever this pony is, she's got guts.
>It's some kinda faintly glowing rock.  You'd guess uranium, but you don't know shit.
>You take it in your hand and stare at it for a second.
>This could work.  You can fake diarrhea or something.  These ponies don't know how whatever it is might affect your sensitive alien digestive system.
>You close your eyes and choke it down.
>It burns a little, but doesn't really have any taste to speak of.
>You prepare to double over in mock-pain, when there's another crack of thunder and a shattering of glass.
>You're knocked to the floor.
 
>"You IDIOT!"
>You look up at your assailant.
 
>"Batman?"
 
>"Do you realize what you've just done?"
>He turns and glares at the pony who offered you the strange stone.
>"And YOU.  What's your game?  What do you stand to gain from this?"
 
>She smirks.
>"I'm not sure it's wise to tell you."
 
>Dash is on Batman, punching him repeatedly in the face.
>"Leave Anon alone!"
>Suddenly, she's ensconced in a soft glow and lifted away from her target.
 
>"Ah, no.  He'll suffer enough as his plans fall apart.  Besides, we wouldn't want to hurt that pretty face.  Go on, show them."
 
>He spits at her.
>"Go fuck yourself."
 
>"Well that's not very nice, now is it..."
>She's not a unicorn, but she's definitely doing magic.  That's what's happening with Dash floating there struggling to get down and now with his mask slowly lifting upward to reveal...
 
>"Anon."
 
>What.
>The.
>Fuck.
 
>He... you?
>You...
>He...
>Batman?
>Why Batman?
>And... dating Twilight?
>But you...
>He...
>Batman?
 
>Wait.
>Waitwaitwait.
>Temporal anomalies.
>Cryptic plans.
 
>God DAMNIT why does every new development in your life have to be something this unbelievably retarded?
>Batman is YOU from another point in time.
>Probably the future.
>It's always the goddamn future.
 
>Wait.
>Waitwaitwait.
 
>FUCK.
>That ASSHOLE!  Always assuring you that "future you" would appreciate what he's doing.
>THAT SON OF A BITCH.
>Set jimmies to maximum rustle and prepare to violently rectify the situation.
 
>Fuck future you.
>Fuck him right in his fucking future.
>You jump to your feet and prepare to punch yourself in the face repeatedly until you think of the best way to destroy him.
 
>You're gripped in place by an odd glow and unable to move a muscle.
>"I'm sorry, I thought I made it clear he didn't need to be harmed?  You, on the other hand... well let's make that dare a little more interesting."
 
>Your stomach feels funny.
>You okay, buddy?
>No.  No stomach is not okay.  Stomach is mad, and so is brain.  Brain says you're stupid for eating that thing.
>It probably wasn't uranium, but you thought it was - how stupid do you have to be to willingly consume a nugget of what you believe to be glowing radioactive ANYTHING?
 
>PAIN.  PAIN AND SUFFERING WHERE YOUR ORGANS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE.
>QUICK CHECK, WHO'S STILL OKAY?
>STOMACH?  LIVER?  BRAIN?
>KIDNEY?
>NO?  EVERYBODY IS SCREAMING AND LIKELY ON FIRE?
>FUCK
 
>There's a strange sound approaching from the distance.
>You don't actually know that, what with the screaming, but it's there.
>You also don't know that most of the occupants of the room have fled, also screaming.
>It's just you, the magical non-unicorn, Dash, Pinkie, and you.  And that noise that you can ALMOST hear now.
 
>There it goes.  Sortof a battlecry.  Pretty fucking loud if you can hear it right now.
>A very satisfying and resounding *CRACK* echoes through the room and you fall to the floor.
>You still ache - a LOT - but the searing waves of agony are gone.
 
>"Anon!  Are you okay?  It's totally not my fault that I'm late!"
 
>"Huh?"
>You crack an eye open to see Rainbow Dash talking to you.  Not you, you.  Fuck that guy.
 
>"What are you talking about?"
>At least he's just as lost as you are.
 
>"I'll explain later."
 
>"Now hold just one bucking second here.  SOMEp0ny needs to explain what's going on!"
>Dash seems enraged and confused by Dash.
 
>Wait.  Dash... Dash?
>GOD DAMN IT NOT THIS SHIT.
 
>Dash stamps a hoof.
>"There's no TIME!  Ugh, what's that word Twilight would use... um... irony?  Whatever.  She'll be getting up any second - there's no way that was enough to finish her and we need to get out of here while we have the chance.  I've got Anon, can you get Anon?"
 
>You and Dash both make the same confused expression.
>You look over to where the bitch magicking the shit out of you was to see a limp pony with her head at a VERY unnatural angle.
>Is Dash sure she's not done?
 
>Her eyes snap open.
 
>Horrible doom sensation is back.  Is everybody ready to leave?  You're ready to leave.
>Let's leave.
>Please?
 
>The horrible bitch's head snaps back into place and she stands up.
>She glares at Dash.
>"Well now that's not very nice."
 
>Pinkie?  What are you doing walking up to that thing?
>She presses her nose up against the other pony and narrows her eyes.
>"You aren't going to win, you know.  The three-"
 
>Pinkie glows and is thrown against the wall.
>"Save your breath.  You'll need it to let everyp0ny know how bad this is about to hurt."
>Pinkie is lifted high into the air.
>A broomhandle is snapped, leaving jagged wooden splinters exposed, and stood beneath her.
>"And so laughter falls."
 
>Dash and Dash both try to dash off and save her, but are held fast with more bullshit OP magic.
 
>Pinkie smiles.
>"I already told you.  You aren't going to win."
>The glow around her dissipates, and she begins to fall.
>"You aren't even a lesbian."
>Just before impact, Pinkie vanishes into thin air.