Read here, or listen to the narration by Tvox: http://soundcloud.com/zuul-1/neckbeard-in-horseland
 
 
Neckbeard in Horseland
 
Music: youtube.com/watch?v=Y75ryZC8LB0
 
"I am Derrik, and I'm a brony!"
>"That's great. Can I take your order?"
 
>Your fat ass is standing in line at McDonalds.
>Yeah, you're hungry, but the main reason you're here is to show off your new 'Brony' shirt that arrived in the mail today.
"Okay, can i get a Big Mac, two large fries, and a large diet coke?"
>"Yes, you can. Nice shirt."
>You extend your hairy fist to the sarcastic teenage girl behind the register.
"Brohoof."
>She ignores you and helps the next customer in line.
>Ha, I guess she's not a 'pegasister'.
>You quietly hum 'Winter Wrap Up' as you wait for your order.
>You offer a brohoof to everyone who happens to glance at your shirt.
>A guy in a red soccer jersey pounds your fist enthusiastically.
"Are you a brony?"
>"Ha, what is a brony?" he asks you in a thick accent that you don't recognize.
"Duh, a brony is anyp0ny who watches 'My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic'!"
>What a fucking idiot.
>"Oh." He smiles awkwardly. "No, I don't know that."
>He tries to order his lunch.
"You should definitely watch it! It's made by Lauren Faust who made Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends and the Powerpuff Girls. The animation and writing is so good. It's like my favorite show."
>Soccer guy orders his food while you talk to him.
"Hey, I have all the episodes on my laptop! Do you want to watch it?"
>"Uh, sorry man. I've got to pick my kids up from school. Next time." He picks up his food and leaves.
"Whatever, your loss."
>Your food is there waiting for you.
>You pick it up and carry it to a table to eat.
>There's a moment of panic when you start your laptop and see that you left rule34 open.
>It's a picture of Rainbow Dash bent over with her horse vag and crotchtits exposed.
>You quickly close your clop folder and look at the people around you.
>Oh, good, none of them noticed.
>Shit, your desktop picture is Cheerilee giving Big Macintosh a rimjob.
 
>You might as well continue where you left off: Season 2, episode 13, The Cutie Pox.
>You laugh loudly when you see the Big Lebowski pony cameo scene in the bowling alley.
>No one else in the Restaurant was watching.
>You play that scene four more times, laughing, hoping somebody in McDonalds will see that the show has references to more mature movies.
>A lady close by moves to another table.
>You see a four year old boy with his family looking at you condescendingly.
>Whatever.
>You finish your food, but don't leave until the episode is done.
 
>On your way home you scroll through your music library on your ipod and see nothing but pony songs.
>Now Playing: Smile, Smile, Smile.
"My name is Pinkie Pie, and I am here to say..."
>Without a care in the world, you skip down the sidewalk, singing and not paying attention to the world around you.
>That is why you don't notice a large sinkhole opening up on the other side of the street.
>It grows in size, swallowing parked cars and causing a panic.
>The screaming frustrates you, and you turn up the volume on your iPod and sing louder.
"Come on, everyp0ny! Smile, Smile, Smile!! Fill my heart up with Sunshine! Sunshine!"
>People run past, trying to get away from the expanding hole.
"ALL I REALLY NEED'S A SMILE, SMILE, SMILE, FROM THESE HAPPY FRIENDS OF MIIIIIIINE!"
>A fleeing citizen knocks into you from behind, causing your ipod to fall onto the sidewalk.
"I'm gonna love and tolerate the SHIT out of you!"
>Now the glass is cracked, obscuring Pinkie Pie's anus on your lock-screen wallpaper.
>Your so angry, you feel like Twilight Sparkle in season 1, episode 22, Feeling Pinkie Keen.
>Suddenly, the cement gives away beneath your feet and you're falling into darkness.
 
>Okay, now you're in a grassy field.
>This place reminds you of Equestria, but you say that about every place you go.
>Your backpack is here with you, along with all of it's important contents: Your laptop, Your Fluttershy plushie, and snacks.
>You hear someone approaching.
>"Hello!"
>Holy FUCKING shit she sounds like Tara Strong!
>If only you had something for her to sign.
>Wait that's not Tara Strong.
>It's Twilight Sparkle.
>"Ew, what's that smell?"
>You have shit your pants.
>Even an autist knows this is not how you make first impressions.
>You turn to run away from her, but trip on your untied shoelace and fall on your face.
>"Oh my, are you okay? Applejack, Rainbow Dash! Come here, I found something!"
>You are face to face with your three favorite ponies.
"Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh!" You say in a crusty rusty voice.
>"What's your name?" Twilight asks.
"I'm Anonymous!"
>"The tag on your backpack says 'Derrick'" Applejack points out.
>...
"I'm Derrick."
>"Well, hi Derrick. I'm Twilight Sparkle, and these are my friends: Applejack and Rainbow Dash."
"I know."
>"Oh. Um.... Why don't you come with us to town? We'll find you a place to stay."
 
>By the time you arrive in P0nyville, your new 'Brony' shirt is drenched in salty sweat.
>The shit in your pants is making you somewhat uncomfortable.
>There are ponies everywhere, and none of them are wearing clothes.
>You feel tightness in your XXL sweatpants
>Quick, you must hide your erection.
>You jump behind a nearby fruit stall.
>The boner grows.
>Everything changes when you see pound cake crawling out the front door of Sugarcube Corner.
>Like the mysterious mare do-well you spring into action to save the child.
>You waddle over and pick up pound cake.
>Surrounding ponies are quite shocked to see a hairy, fat, bipedal creature clutching a baby and sporting a massive erection.
"I'm a hero" you tell them to clear up any confusion.
>They still throw your ass in pony prison.
 
4 years later
>Today is the day you finally get released from prison.
>You've lost five pounds and feel like a whole new man(child).
>You can't wait to get out and see the world, spend time with the mane six, and fuck horses.
>You knock on the library door, and Spike answers.
"Oh hi Spike, I'm Derrick. Is Twilight Sparkle here?"
>"Uh, yeah. Wait here a minute."
>He goes upstairs.
>Wow, you're in Twilight's house!
>Not now, boner.
>Twilight arrives.
>"Hi Derrick." she seems uncomfortable.
"Hi Twilight. I'm not actually a pedophile."
>"Okay."
>The only sound in the room is your loud mouthbreathing.
"So, anyway. Can you turn me into a pony?"
>"Probably not."
"I want to be a dark red alicorn with spaghetti as my cutie mark."
>"I can't make you a pony."
"Oh."
>...
>"Can you please leave?"
"Sure, I'll come back later if you are busy."
>You walk over to the town center and see Fluttershy boarding the train to Canterlot.
>You join her.
"Hi Fluttershy."
>"Oh, uh, hello."
"You don't know me but I know you."
>"Oh."
"I was just wondering... Have you ever considered having a special somep0ny who isn't a pony."
>"No."
>You can't hold it in.
>You start crying.
>Even the element of kindness doesn't want to comfort you.
>You cry all the way to Canterlot while Fluttershy sits awkwardly across from you.
>Upon arriving at your destination, you decide to find Princess Luna.
>From the street, you see her up on her tower.
"Hey! Princess Luna!"
>"What? Who goes there?"
"It's me. Ano- I mean Derrick!"
>"What do you need, traveller?"
"No, I'm Derrick!"
>"What do you need, Derrick?"
"Come down here."
>Luna flies down to the base of the tower.
>"What is the emergency?"
"I want to be a pony."
>"May I ask why?"
"I come from a world where your world is a children's television program that I watch religously. I want to live here forever, but your subjects do not accept me in this form."
>"Well, I can tell this is important to you. I'll see what I can do."
>Luna points her unicorn horn at you and turns you into a dark red pony.
"Darker."
>She makes you darker.
"Can I be an alicorn."
>"No."
 
>You return to P0nyville, hoping to be accepted by the community.
>"Hi!" It's Pinkie Pie. "I've never seen you before! Are you new to P0nyville?"
"Uh, yes."
>"Well, I'm friends with everyp0ny in p0nyville, so you do you want to be my friend, too?"
"No, you're the most annoying character."
>Pinkie goes home to cry.
 
>Then Zuul ran out of ideas
>"Derrick? Doctor, this patient is waking up!"
>You wake up.
>Your in a hospital bed.
"What's happening?"
>"You fell into a hole and went into a coma."
"Oh, shit! Did I miss season 3 of friendship is magic?"
>"Derrick, that was 8 years ago."
>You're on youtube, searching for season 3.
"Where is it?!"
>"I'm sorry, Derrick. After you went into a coma, my little pony merchandise sales dropped significantly. Hasbro went bankrupt and the show was cancelled."
 
The end