>You're Cap'n Anon
>and you're about to shit your britches
>it's a good thing you wore the brown ones today
>some kind of midget unicorn is blasting you with some kind of purple light
>but that light is very very FUCKING UNSETTTLING!
>it feels like it's crawling around under your skin and poking around in your guts
>like horrid unholy EELS
>god you fucking hated eels
>and this feeling of nausea and violation is made worse by how bright the purple light is
>you made it a point to bring up how unnecessary the light is after the invasive probing was over
>it felt like a million years but the light finally faded and this “Twilight” looked exhausted
>you also made a mental note of how ridiculously funny that name was
>you collapse to your hands and knees, and thus are about face level with the purple horse
“YE BE SOME KIND OF HEATHEN WITCH HORSE!”
>thanks mouth, just thanks, you couldn't let brain think of something first?
>The pair are shocked by your outburst
>Twilight's eyes widen and her look of curiosity turns into one of  surprise.
>Fluttershy just puts her hoof to her mouth
>you slowly glance over at Peg
>he gives you that oh, so familiar, “With all due respect Captain you just fucked up bad” look.
>finally Peg breaks the awkward silence
>”What he be meanin' is we ain't never had that come about before”
>Twilight's look changes from surprise to one of glee
>You mean you've never heard of a Changeling detection spell?” she says
“Err... no, we're sayin' we ain't never seen no magic unicorn before”
>with that her already ear to ear grin grows twice as wide
>dear god it looks like her head's gonna split from that smile
>”Hell, we don't even know where we are” Peg says carefully getting to his feet
>Twilight makes a sound you can only describe as a “squee” and starts pacing back and forth
>”nowonderyouweresosurprisedtoseeus!doyouknowwhatthismeansforequestrianscientificstudyImeanI'vejustdiscoveredanewspecies....”
>you've never heard something talk so fast and use so many words you didn't understand
>if you weren’t totally lost out here in Port Lunacy you'd just run her through to get some quiet
>as Twilight talks and starts walking Fluttershy timidly gesture's for you two to follow
>having no other choice, and secure in the fact you weren’t going to prison you followed them
>as you walk Twilight goes on and on and on about all sorts of confusing shit
>she talks about how her people aren't called horses they're called ponies
>how horse was akin to the term whore where your from
>something about two princesses
>one was called Celstika or some other nonsense
>how she raises the sun each day
>that's an outright lie, the sun is blown across the sky by the wind everyone knows that
>she talks about some place called Canterlot, you had no idea why the spelled Camelot that way
>and she talks about how she's gonna get some kind of award for finding you
>all you knew was if it was gold you'd just take it off her hands
>uhhh, hooves, whatever, you'd be stealing it
>but for now, you were gonna see if you could get some free eats
 
>You keep walking, for about an hour before the forest starts to become more sparse
>you reach the actual treeline and find yourself standing next to a cottage
>it looks like any old house you might see in the countryside back home
>you're swiftly lead past it, it feels like the ponies are talking to you
>but you've long since stopped listening
>it's not like anything Twilight said was interesting or was anywhere near relevant to nautical thievery
>you feel a tug hard tug at your beard and look down to see it covered in purple light
>and you also see a very annoyed looking Twilight
>”have either of you been listening to anything I've been saying!”
>you honestly haven't but Peg said something that surprised you
>”I been listnin' miss Sparkle”
>when the hell did anyone say a thing about sparkles
“Mr. Peg, ye can't honestly say ye was listnin' ta all that gibbrish”
>he looks as serious as a Spanish inquisitor, “I think all this stuff is right fascinating Cap'n”
>he wasn't joking, Twilight's face lights up
>”well at least one of you has some enthusiasm, This is a very big event for the ponies of Equestria”
>she says this very proudly
>You are far less impressed with all this, for all you knew none of it was happening
>you could be dead and lying at the bottom of the sea right now
>still, if you were dead you figured you wouldn't be so hungry
“all of this aside, where can we get some grub, me belly be growlin' with a fierceness”
>Twilight looks back to you “we'll let Pinkie Pie take care of that once we get into Ponyville”
>Ponyville, suddenly you knew exactly where you were
>you were in [spoiler]the of teriible puns[/spoiler]
>well, at least you were going somewhere where there was food
>take care of the basics first, then move on to plundering and running amok
 
>you can easily see where your headed now, it looks like your average farming town actually
>but as you approach you can see more of these ponies meandering about
>most of them stop and stare when they see you, some of them even faint or run full speed away
>it's good to see your reputation proceeds you
>or at least you hope, they could just be running from the big hairy giant that's stomping through town
>well it's not ALL that different than what you're used to
>Then you see it...
>it looked innocent enough at first, all it was was a pink pony with a poofy mane
>not all that exotic considering where you are, a land of multi-coloured talking equines
>but then it looked at you, when it did it's eyes went from average (from what you've seen)
>straight to a 10 mile wide expression of insanity
>it was upon you in a flash, there was no escaping it
>the pink one impacts your chest with such a force it knocks you on your ass
>is this what it's like to be hit with a cannonball
>you look up into your assailant's eyes, completely stunned by the blow
>and then it opens it's mouth
>and you thought ol' Twilight could talk fast
>this thing's lips move faster than a bluefin tuna “HI” it nearly shouts “I'm Pinkie Pie and you must be new in town, I'm friends with everypony in town, but your not a pony now are you...
>”Pinkie.”
>twilight tries to get the overexcited pony's attention
>”... But thats alright I'm sure we'll be best friends soon, hey do you like parties. OF COUSE YOU DO! Everypony likes parties, how could you not...
>”Pinkie!”
>”... and we'll have the biggest welcoming party Ponyvilles ever seen!, there'll be balloons and games and cake and...
>”PINKIE PIE!”
>Pinkie looks up at the irritated purple unicorn
>”Yea Twilight?”
>”We'll have plenty of time for a party later we need to get these two to the library and I need to send the princess a letter”
 
>just as she says this your gut lets loose a furious growl
>”Oh twilight you silly filly, he can't go to the library yet, he's hungry, he's going to sugarcube corner first!”
>her enthusiasm rustles your jimmies, but they haven’t stopped rustling all day now have they
“now now it's quite alright I'll...”
>you don't finish that sentence
>because pinkie pie is dragging you along by your coatsleeve
>or at least until Twilight grabbed your other arm with her magic juju power
>”we...need...to... run..some..tests” twilight says gritting her teeth with much effort
>”But twilight he'll starve before your done with those tests, you'll take a million billion years!” Pinkie says whilst showing no fatigue whatsoever
“Ladies Ladies please, This be me only coat and ye's gonna tear it!”
>but your words fall on deaf ears, you're being used as a tug o war rope and it was getting old fast
>initialize loud ass piratey voice now
“GYAAARRR!, YE TWO BE TEARIN' ME ARMS OFF WIT YER SQUABBLIN!”
>you then turn to Pinkie
“just go get some food from yer “corner” an' bring it to wherever tha hell I'm gonna be!
>you turn to twilight next
“And ye juss take me to yer Library an' get all this nonsense over wit!”
>you see Fluttershy giggle at this as the two are totally speechless
“Ye should've figured that one out inna first place ya bellowin' crazies”
>”okie dokie loki!” pinkie says and starts hopping off to her destination
>”Twilight just mutters “come on” and mumbles under her breath about “who the real crazy is here”