>Be Anon
>no seriously, you’re no gimmicks regular ass guy, anon
>OKAY slightly nerdy but still relatively normal Anon
>be chilling out at home on 4chan after staying up until 3:44 AM
>just read the latest Anon in Equestria thread on /mlp/
>oh that guy dashieisbestpone knows how to write a good story you think to yourself
“But methinks it’s time for bed”
>you had a bad habit of talking to yourself
>you get up from your comfy computer chair, and sleepily shuffle out of the living room
>and head for the kitchen
>you weren’t one for routines but you had ONE, you’d always follow the same procedure before bed
>“okay brain” you think to yourself “are you ready”
>brain has given a big affirmative, okay brain take it away
>You brush your teeth
“yep”
>You got your Ibuprofen for your migraines
“yep”
>you got your BreatheRight Nasal Strip
“yep, right here on my face brain”
>you got your ratty grey shirt with the holes in the collar
“yep, put that on after I showered”
>got your black sweat shorts
“yep, that came with the shirt”
>Got your Arizona Fruit Punch to drink and your weed and pipe
“yep, yep and yep, I got this shit down brain”
>Okay good, you may watch one episode of MLP, but ONLY one, I don’t want you staying up all night like when you first started watching that show
“Shut up brain you’re not my mom
>naw dude, I’m your brain, I’m worse than your mom
“Oh right”
 
>you go from the kitchen to your bedroom, and sit down on the futon against the back wall
>you grab the TV remote and pop the TV on
>you waste no time in getting to your DVR, all that’s on now is shopping and infomercials anyways
>after some searching you find what you’re looking for
> You’ve got every single episode of FIM on that thing, even the ones you don’t like
>because there aren’t any you don’t like.
>You never understood why people were so militant about Season 1 or 2 being better than the other
>it’s all pony to you and that’s all that matters
>looking through the episodes for one that catches your eye takes some time because of this
>did you mention you were also indecisive as hell?
>you eventually settle on your favorite episode “Sonic Rainboom”
>A bowl is packed and you settle in for your nightly cooldown
>after all that S.T.A.L.K.E.R. today you need this
>you need to switch from “Brutality Mode” into “Sweet Dreams” mode
>pony was one of the best ways you could do that
 
>Even though you’ve seen it many times the episode never loses its charm
>You’re on the part where rarity is about to fly up to the sun
>you know what happens next, her wings burn up and she falls for her pride
>You hope they were deliberately trying to reference Icarus, because that would be cool
>just when she’s about to fall though you get a weird feeling
>you were a paranoid /x/phile before you found MLP so this kinda thing wasn’t too uncommon
>but still you find that it’s making you very uneasy
>you try to push it from your mind, it’s all the pot you smoke making you think stupid shit
>but you still can’t quite shake it
>you watch rarity fall and you watch the ensuing chaos like you have before
>and of course Rainbow dives and catches her whilst performing a sonic Rainboom
>thus showing those motherfuckers who doubted her in life who she really was
>but your TV looks so weird though, it’s like SUPER DUPER detailed
>It’s a respectable HD TV and all that but this shit looks really sharp
>then you see it, and you do indeed shit bricks like a true follower of the /x/
 
>Pinkie Pie is staring right at you
>they’re all sitting in a circle on the ground, which you don’t remember during this episode either
>no it’s not pot or lack of sleep that’s doing this to you, you’re so used to those two things it’s easy to tell
>nor is it part of the episode, you’ve seen this one quite a few times
>Pinkie Pie is FUCKING staring at you, like that one god damned copypasta you read
>of course you begin to nope, as you’ve done in any situation like this as long as you can remember
>you head for the door and pass out of Ms. Pie’s sight range
>but you stop dead in your yellow bellied tracks when you hear her voice
>PP “Girls, did you just see what I saw”
>“What’d ya see pinkie” by that southern drawl you can tell that’s AJ
>PP “I dunno, some kind of silly looking bald thing on two legs”
>the next to speak up is Fluttershy “I’ve never heard of an animal like that before” she says softly
>Damn it you’ve always had a weakness for that voice, and now it sounded like she was in the room
>you stood there listening to them look around for you, like you had been standing right there and then vanished
>At least according to Pinkie Pie you were
>and that of course raised a lot of existential questions that your contemplative mind would tear apart later
>now, you were gonna figure out what the hell was going on
>Mainly why cartoon ponies were acknowledging your presence all of a sudden
>you turn slowly and peek at the screen
>they’ve all gathered around twilight
>Twi:“Okay, I’m going to try a spell I read about yesterday” she says
>Twi: “It’ll teleport whatever it is to us and hold it in a state of suspended animation”
>Suddenly you’re overcome with vertigo nausea and a MASSIVE headache
>And boy is Twilights horn glowing, hell it’s so bright it’s probably what’s CAUSING your headache
>and it only gets brighter, until you feel your feet drop out from under you
 
>oh boy, this thing in your futon hurts
>you open your eyes looking for the hard thing that has invaded your bed
>and you look up into six big pairs, quietly watching your every move
>Shit you had hoped all that weird shit last night was a drug induced nightmare
>and yet, lo and behold the main six are gawking at you as you lay on the ground
>the silence is both awkward and horrifying for you, it’s just like that time you sneezed and farted really loud in 3rd grade
>the first pony to open her mouth is, as you expected Pinkie Pie
>PP: “see I told you I saw a bald thingy looking at us” she says with her normal enthusiasm
>the rest of them still sit looking at you with an expression of shock
>Twi: “How in Celestia’s name did this happen…” she says sounding heartbroken
>Rare: “Now Darling don’t beat yourself up like that, you had no idea it was one of THESE dreadful things
>now you weren’t one to take being insulted like that laying down, even though you were totally laying down as you’re thinking this
“Dreadful?! Now I’ve been called many things but I’m anything but dreadful”
>you sit up slowly as you say that holding your still somewhat sore head
>the whole cast seems to back away when you get to your feet, all of them but pinkie
>It’s almost like they’re afraid of you or something
>Rarity looks visibly pale as you gesture to her and Twilight can’t stop sobbing
“I’m not all that particularly sure why I’m being treated like some kind of monster anyway”
>Rarity: “Don’t try to fool us beast, we’ve had quite enough of your kind’s “Shenanigans” before”
>It’s Fluttershy that speaks up next, but her words surprise you
>FS: “He doesn’t look like the last human that was here” she says that timidly and just loudly enough that the others can hear “he’s not sweaty or fat”
>PP: “yea, he doesn’t smell like cheese or have all that scratchy fur on his face either!” she interjects
>as you hear that last part your mind starts clinking like a broken slot machine
>Fat
>Sweaty
>cheesy smell and scratchy facial hair
>then it all clicks into place and your brain does a mental backflip of terror as you realize what they’re talking about
 
>You had to think of something fast now or they’d think you’re like…THEM
“Wait a minute, Wait a minute, I know of what you speak”
>you have a foolproof plan to clear your good name of the past sins of some horrid autistic nut
>and hopefully not end up as the second “manned” mission to the equestrian moon
>and for that you had to utilize your best skill, one that’s gotten you out of schoolyard fights and drunk and disorderlies both
>you had to lie, to lie like you’ve never lied before
“The thing you just described is no human”
>you put the most serious “spooky story” voice you have into action
>they all look at you less scared but more confused now, at least Twilight’s stopped crying though
“Oh no, these things are something else. They live amongst us in secret”
>Twi: “like…like Changelings” she says in between her final few sobs
>you put your hands up in a mystical gesture and nod gravely
“But they’re not, they’re called…”
>you look side to side like you’re about to tell them an amazing secret
“…neckbeards.”
>they all gasp like some cheap mystery dinner play but it’s the effect you were hoping for
“Though instead of love they feed on attention and pity, but sow only chaos and awkwardness in their wake”
>Twilight’s face brightens at this revelation and the rest of the mane 6 look visibly relieved
>well except pinkie, she looks the same as she did before, excited
>PP “see, what’d I tell you, he’s not so bad” she says bouncing up to you and extending a hoof in greeting
>PP “Hi I’m…”
“Pinkie Pie”
>you then turn and point at the bewildered looking equines in front of you
“And you guys are, Twilight Sparkle, Rarity, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy and Applejack”
>you point at each one when you say their name
>and you examine each of the expressions on their faces, Fuckin’ Priceless
>“Wait up a sec, how do you know all our names” Rainbow Dash says a look of suspicion on her face as she flies up to eye level with you
“You guys are really famous where I’m from”
 
>So here you are like all of those AIE stories you used to read
>walking with the cast of FIM through a nice sized field that was supposed to be near Ponyville and you could sorta kinda see it off in the distance, but you were still quite a way off
>you had been much farther about an hour ago but you had passed the time with idle conversation
>and by that you mean answering twilights questions about you while the others couldn’t get a word in edgewise
>Twi: “so is there really a television show about us where you’re from?”
“Yep, it’s pretty popular too; some people even go as far as trying to dress up like ponies”
>AJ “well that’s just buckin’ stupid, ya’ll don’t look nuthin’ like us”
>Rarity “Oh, I’m sure with some creative needlework they could look like very handsome ponies”
>she looks over at you “Even if they’d be a little… big”
>AJ: “but the front legs would be too short, an’ besides what use would it be anyways”
“To look like a huge dork in public places”
>that comment elicits a small giggle from Rainbow who’s been flying along lazily behind you
>RD “does everyone do that stuff” she says stifling a laugh
“No, for some reason it’s only the people who’re terrible at making costumes”
>Rainbow can’t hold it in now, she’s openly laughing
>First Impression Verdict: Awesome