Anon-PI
EPISODE 3: "Kids, Naps & Kidnapping"
 
[ As we last we left our intrepid Anonymous, he had a shitty day:
Finds out he might have a daughter.
Finds out he might have to kill a unicorn.
Finds out he might not mind either one.
Finds out the feels are stronger than he thought.
Finds out electricity is a bitch.]
 
Ep 01: http://pastebin.com/E8d25qPg
Ep 02: http://pastebin.com/yRfPAJ2r
Ep 03: http://pastebin.com/4SSTNfCi
 
***
 
> You are Anonymous the Human. The only Human in the magical land of technicolor ponies.
> As you reboot your brain from the coppery tang of burnt blood and hair in the air, you look around and find the ponies have at least figured out that you are not as resistant to good, old fashioned iron chains as you are magic.
> You are laying out on an operating table of some kind. An underground lab...sewer bricks and mould as far as the eye can see...Machines glowing with eldritch magical fields wur and click around you, but for the most part you find yourself whole, still clothed, and with less of a headache than you had from your hangover that morning.
"My fucking head..."
> "It's awake," a familiar blue unicorn says, trotting up next to you. "I should call the Royal Guard for what you did to my sister. Do you have any idea how long it takes horns to heal?"
"Not sure. Come closer and we'll expand the sample size of the experiment."
> He does a double take, looking down at you with a smirk. "Ahh, so you DO understand science. I suppose rolling around in the hay with Twilight would eventually smarten you up through osmosis if nothing else."
"So why didn't it work with you?"
> His smile fades.
"Besides, we both know you can't call the Royal Guard. Somehow, I'm thinking experimenting on a toddler is within the scope of your malpractice insurance. So drop the shit. Let us go and I might be able to convince Twilight to banish you somewhere with more atmosphere than the Moon."
> Bright Eyes reluctantly nods and shrugs his shoulders. "Then let's both drop the 'shit'. You've been unconscious for three hours. Nopony's come for you. The only reason I have not to kill you right now is because the Professor may be able to use you to reverse engineer your damnable resistances. You and the child."
> Your reaction betrays your feels. Spaghetti begins to leak from somewhere in your coat.
> "Ahh...yes...the child," his smile returns and he takes a tentative step towards your side...still annoyingly out of reach of the short chains around each of your limbs. "What did Twilight Sparkle tell you? That she's your baby? That's what she told me...but I think we both know that's not quite the truth."
"What the hell do you mean, Blinky?"
> He seems genuinely insulted by the nickname, but his smile is hard-set. "Biological spells are so touchy. Only Alicorns really have domain over that kind of magic, you see. For unicorns like myself, I have to try to trick the laws of nature instead of move them around at my will."
> A hoof rests on your side, just out of reach as he plays up his dramatic mad-genius bit. No wonder Twi found him...she would do the same thing when she got going.
> "You see, your dear wife...who I might add was so desperate to be rutted she-"
> You grab his hoof. Somehow. Somehow you do it...nearly breaking your own wrist in the process. He shrieks as you grunt, pulling away as fast hard as he can, but you've already resigned yourself to the pain.
"I'm going to break your leg unless you unchain me. Ask your sister how serious I am."
> But he closes his eyes and focuses his horn. A chain flies up and over your neck, pulling down tight. You gasp in surprise, letting him go in an instinctive effort to reach your neck.
> "Bloody monkey! That's what you are!" he whimpers, rubbing his hoof...bruised by your attack. "And yeah...you have resistance to my magic...but chains don't!"
> You close your eyes, ready to feel more pain, but are saved at the last moment.
> Crying.
> Very loud...very demanding crying.
> Bright Eyes lets out an annoyed sigh and lets the chain go slack. "If she IS your daughter, she certainly has your ridiculous metabolism. OH GOD THAT SMELL!" he cries, limping off to another side of the room.
> You gasp as breathing becomes possible again - following the pony with shaky vision.
> Finally...you see her as she's lifted up for changing.
> She's so tiny. So perfect. So skinny but not in a malnourished way, almost like she was a filly stretched to human baby size. Little fingers & toes wiggle in the air as she looks around and sees you...eyes locking onto yours. She is so undeniably a product of you and Twilight that the tears finally break through the walls of ice and you strain against the chains just to hold her.
> "Celestia! What a mess! She's not going to start to want to eat flesh anytime soon, is she?" the unicorn laments as he magics away a fully loaded diaper.
"That's my girl," you say proudly.
> But the smile returns on Bright Eyes' snout. "Oh, poor Anon...fooled again by your wife. If I didn't know better I'd think she didn't trust you with the truth."
> He spirits Starlight down into a fresh diaper as she resists with gurgling and pouting.
> "Oh, wait, I DO know she doesn't trust you. That's why she let me mount her."
"Not in front of the baby, you asshole," you snap.
> A tug on your clothes alerts you to folders being yanked from your pockets.
> "Let's have a look here...ahh yes!" he laughs, letting Starshine plop back into her crib with a coo. "Here we are. Twilight Sparkle. Let's see...this is a fertility test, about three months before she decided to contact me. Mmm, yep, no problems with her. Not at all."
"Fuck off."
> He laughs and continues reading for a moment. "Ahh, here it is! Pregnancy report. We run basic paternity tests on all foals out of necessity." But before his gloating can continue, his smile fades. "Wait...what?"
> "This can't be right..." he mumbles.
"What's the matter, asshole?" you cough. "Let me guess. Human and Pony DNA? Geeze. Who could the father be?"
> You're expecting some smart-assed response, but instead Bright Eyes looks genuinely confused. "Human...Human DNA. I mean...that would explain how she looks like you but..."
"But what?"
> The unicorn frowns and tosses away the folder. "I it must have been one of my spells. I must have targeted the ovium instead of the spermatozoa by accident."
"Pretty big difference there, champ. I'm no biology expert but even I know the difference. Tell me, did your daddy have really big udders"
> Instead of getting rise out of him, though, he seemed lost in the moment of brainstorming thought. You hated to admit how much it reminded you of your wife. "But that doesn't make sense...and then why was the gestation so quick? And-"
> A chime fills the air.
> Bright Eyes looks up at a passageway leading away from the corner of the lab, presumingly towards the front door. "Stay here."
"Funny. Real funny. How much you want to bet that's one of the Elements of Harmony here to kick you in the throat?"
> He hesitates for a moment, but then steels himself. "It's probably the professor." With that, he trots down the hall.
> No sonic rainbooms or magical explosions. A chiming, swirling sound like a portal, then nothing but hushed speaking. A single female voice that sounds so familiar and yet so...not.
> "You caught the male?" it asks with a large dose of skepticism. "You. Alone?"
> "Of course I did. I'm not as stupid as you seem to think I am. Now are you going to help me or not? Bright Eyes huffs as they come around the corner together.
> Your heart stops as the new mare pulls back her traveling cloak to reveal a horn, attached to lavender skin above two large, violet eyes.
 
 
"TWILIGHT?"
 
> The name hangs in the air for a moment, and Bright Eyes looks around in confused panic. "Where?!"
"Right...There, you idiot!"
> The mare regards you with a confused look. "I'm sorry...have we met?"
"Twilight Sparkle. You are Twilight Sparkle. What the hell do you mean 'have we met'?"
> She blinks, then raises an eyebrow. "Professor Sparkle, please."
> Bright Eyes, to his credit, looks just as dumbfounded as you must look.
> The moment she begins to trot towards you, though, you understand. This isn't YOUR Twilight. She isn't from around here at all. As she comes closer you get a whiff of chemicals and human smells...like someone from...well...a lab back home. Antiseptic and lemon and faux baby-powder deodorant.
> She looks you over as if she's studying a specimen that she has never seen before.
"Who are you? You aren't my Twilight."
> The pony wearing your wife's body frowns. "I have no reason to answer your questions. Why is your skin so...pale?"
"Because I used to play too much goddamn Minecraft. Fuck you and answer my question!"
> She sighs and then cocks her head a little to the side. "Not in front of the pony, please. You'll only confuse him."
> Rage begins to build up as she uses her horn to pull out an empty syringe from her cloak.
"I'll have to get a sample back to my lab for testing. You understand, Doctor Eyes?"
> He nods, albeit a bit reluctantly, trying to understand what is happening and failing. "Uh....of course, Professor?"
"Don't you dare-"
> The needle sinks into your arm, though, and draws it's load of red easily as you try to struggle. "You really should sedate him," the false Twilight advises as she pockets her sample. "Now, where is the child?"
> "O-over here. I'll uhm...yeah, I think I can knock him out without too much brain damage."
> "Good. Now...let's take a lo-" the Twilight gasps as she peers into the crib.
> You've heard that gasp before. You know you have.
> "Starlight?"
> Your blood runs hot and cold all at once. Bright Eyes notices it too. The cold voice is gone. If you weren't actively certain a moment ago that this was not your wife, you would have been fooled a thousand percent.
> The baby...your baby...cooes happily and tiny little fingers and toes reach up to the purple pony's face.
> In a heartbeat, Twilight spins around and lets out a massive jet of angry light from her horn. It smashes through beakers and machines on the wall as Bright Eyes leaps out of the line of fire at the last possible second.
> You cough madly as the wall collapses and dust fills your lungs, but at least you can see outside again.
"What the FUCK is going on?!"
> Twilight, however, ignores you completely. "You...you...tiny little animal! Come back here! YOU had her alllll this time? YOU HAD MY DAUGHTER ALL THIS TIME?!?" she begins to glow, and just before the countertop ignited from the heat the scrambling cyan pony leapt away to another hiding spot.
> Part of you wants to enjoy the show. The other part of you hears your....?....daughter crying in panic.
"Twilight! Get Starlight!"
> The purple pony's attention snaps back to you, then to the cradle. "Come on, Starshine, we're getting the hell out of-"
> A blast of blue now, from the desperate fake doctor, knocks Twilight to her knees. She stumbles forward as if she's not used to having four of them. "I'm sorry! I didn't know!" he gasps. "Leave me alone!"
> Twilight roars and her eyes turn pure white before the blast that shakes the rest of the wall free and begins to cause the roof to crack. Bright Eyes looks around at his shield and lets out a triumphant squeak that it held.
"Shit...shit...Twilight! Get me free! I can help! I swear I can help!"
> Without so much as a glance, the chains come off. "Help me or you'll wish you had."
 
** BANG **
 
> Both the unicorns look over to you in shock as smoke rises from your drawn revolver.
"One last Private Dick cliche..."
> The shield around Bright Eyes flickers and shatters as the tip of his horn falls to the ground, smoking. He lets out a scream as you aim for another shot.
> Twilight aims as well. A blast of purple energy knocks him up and out into the street, but not before a wild explosion of his own unicorn power fires up and into the ceiling. The report from your revolver stops it, turning Bright Eyes' left eye into a splattered mess.
> You stand and you watch the wifefucker fall into a heap, just to make sure. Before you can walk over and empty the rest of your cartridges into his groin, Twilight...this Twilight cries out in pain, returning your attention to the now.
> The entire building above you shifts three feet to the left and you feel a groan through the very foundation. Rock begins to tumble down, and it is only due to sheer dumb luck that Twilight manages to pull Starlight free from the cradle before the wall shatters above it.
> You look around at the surreal shadow of the building moving forward, about to burry you alive, and you smile.
"Maybe it's better this way. Just a private dick and his-"
> Twilight hoof-smacks you out of it. "This way! Hurry! Take her! I can't do both!"
> With the baby thrust into your arms all thoughts of a dramatic An Hero moment leave you and you sprint after the pony pretending to be your wife.
> Around the corner isn't the front door... A mirror. A full length mirror stands glowing softly at the end of the hall.
> Twilight told you about this...you think...something about an alternate dimension...
> "JUMP IN YOU FOOL!" this Twilight orders, and you do without hesitation.
"OHH FUUU~"
 
***
 
> You wake up aching and alive. Gentle cooing and giggling alerts you that you must have somehow not landed and crushed your daughter in the process.
> As you look up, though, you see not the Pony, but a woman who looks remarkably like a Pony. Er...Kind of.
"What. The. Fuck-"
> Professor Twilight looks over at you in the middle of shards of glass. Instead of a cold glare, her eyes are filled with tears. "I can never thank you enough for what you just did."
> The baby...still looking like herself, and now remarkably like her mother...just giggles and burbles without any sense of the close call she just experienced.
"I'm sorry, but...where are we?"
> "My lab," Twilight says. "My home." She smiles down at the baby. "Our home."
> You take a moment to stand up. A few glass cuts on your knees and back...bruises for days...but you're alive.
> The room...the lab...is huge. Massive, really. A proper human lab with no magical baubles. You see a computer...an actual computer...in the corner.
"I'm...back on Earth?"
> Twilight shakes her head. "Not quite, I'm afraid. But close enough for now, I suppose."
> Realizing you'll have to fill in some blanks on your own while Mother and Daughter bask in each other, you look at a huge corkboard on the wall.
> Pictures and strings and lines...they all seem to be centred around a nearby high school.
> Dates and times...years ago if the nearby Doctor Who wall calendar can be trusted (when was the last time you saw him without hooves?)
> Then, you see evidence of a loved one. Some guy with a wise looking smile standing next to Twilight...this Twilight...in photos everywhere on the desk.
> And a tear-stained obituary. A car crash.
> "I think I can fill in the rest," Twilight says with a long sigh as she cradles the baby. "You'd better sit down."
"Yeah. Maybe I should."
> Professor Twilight tells you of this land. A strange pocket of reality that seems to exist outside of the flow of time both from Equestria and Earth.
> "At first, I figured the Princesses just created it as an experiment. Then, I thought it was a prison. Then...I" she sighed. "Then I don't know what I thought. But I found love. And we had her."
"So you turn into a pony when you travel to Equestria?"
> "It seems that way. I've only ever traveled through the portal twice...rumour has it there are more out there, though. I was using that one to see if I could learn more about our universe."
> She points to the shattered mirror, then smiles down at her baby.
"Why didn't she turn into a pony then?"
> "I don't know," Twilight admits. "It may have something to do with the spells Bright Eyes was using. I...don't have magic in this land, so I was trying to find a scientific method to the strange occurances I had been observing. We collaborated. He taught me a bit of Unicorn magic while I was in that form, and I gave him data on biology."
"So...your baby...how did she...get into Equestria?"
> Twilight looks across her corkboard and sighs. "My boyfriend and I...we didn't mean to have a baby yet. But it was such a joyous thing...we didn't question it. He told me...when she came out and we saw her horn...that he would explain it all. That he was a banished pony... it seemed all so crazy that..."
"What happened?"
> "I told him to leave. He...got into an accident a few weeks later," Twilight sighs, looking over to you. "Maybe that's why she doesn't change when she goes from realm to realm. I was too scared to bring her, so I took some of her blood and sent it to Bright Eyes...he promised he could help me figure out what to do. The next day, though, she went missing. I thought the worst...that she was spirited back to the pony side. I've been looking for her ever since."
"How long has it been?"
> "Two weeks."
> You ponder what this all could mean. How this poor child could have been tossed back and forth between the two worlds...how Twilight...your Twilight could have mistaken it for her own.
"My wife has some explaining to do," you decide out loud.
> Professor Twilight looks you over and smiles. "You look so different. Even now. I wish I could help you more, Anon, but you found my little girl, and I promise I'll try to get you back home."
"Home..." you sigh. "Yeah. Can't hardly wait."
> The sound of magic begins to fill the air and all three of you stand up and look to the middle of the lab. The broken mirror begins to slide pieces back together.
"OuCHFUCK!" you cry as a shard rips itself from your forearm and flies over to the forming portal.
> "HOLD ON ANON! WE'RE COMING!" comes the desperate cry of Rainbow Dash.
> She flies through the intact portal...hovers for a moment...transforms into a human...or reasonable facsimile in a burst of light and colour...and promptly face-plants into the desk, groaning.
> Five more ponies...then humans rush through...with Twilight Sparkle at the last.
> As she transforms and looks up at herself, though, her eyes grow wide. Even more so when she sees the baby in her doppelganger's arms.
"Well, this should be interesting."
> "Starlight!" Pone-Twi gasps, taking a step forward.
> "No you don't!" Proff-Twi growls, reaching around wildly for a weapon...finding a bunsen burner stand. "Nobody's taking my daughter! I have the stretch marks to prove she's mine!"
> Immediately you can see the difference. They're nearly twins, of course...but the Professor has actually given birth. Recently. She's fuller in the hips and chest, and her lab coat and clothing look like they're relaxed from months of work as maternity gear.
"Twilight, what the hell is going on?"
 After everyone... (feels good not to say everypony) settles down, Twilight finally retells the tale of her pregnancy.
> "It...it wasn't what I expected, really. A few days of being sick...then I was fine. I started gaining weight...that's when I realized I must be pregnant finally!"
> Applejack looks over to her. "Didja go to the Doc, Twi?"
> Fluttershy nods quickly. "It's important! Oh, Twilight, you should have come to me at least so I could have given you natal hay supplements!"
"Please tell me you aren't going to explain this away as you getting fat."
> Twilight looks deeply offended. "I...I thought about that, alright? I did go to the doctor, alright? I went and I told him what happened. He did the tests. I was pregnant. You can ask him."
"Then what? What was the birth like?"
> Twilight looks away. "I...Don't remember."
> The faces of her friends, the other Twilight and yourself must have been too much for her and she stomps her...foot...in anger. "I'm not making this up!"
> "Bitch...this little angel took me nine hours of labour," Professor Twilight hissed. "You don't just forget about that!"
> "Daaahlings...please," Rarity sighs, rubbing her hoof into her temple, as if the cursing was finally getting to painful levels. "There are plenty of spells out there that could explain your...painless delivery. A Magcerian Section for one, or a skilled and teleportation expert could have easily whisked a fully grown col....er...kid away from you."
> "You've got to trust me, Anon...I swear...I woke up and she was there...snuggled against me like she just decided to come out."
> "But you DIDN'T deliver her. I did." The professor reaches into her coat, pulls out her wallet and after a moment, finds a long roll of photos depicting the horrifying beauty of a messy, but entirely natural birth.
> Rainbow Dash leans in and gasps. "Whoah nelly...."
> Fluttershy shrugs. "Looks right to me. And might I add you have very toned muscles down there!"
> Applejack nods. "Good birthin' hips!"
> Rarity glares at each of them.
"Twilight...you said there were a lot of spells going on, right?"
> She nods, looking down at the ground. "Yes...Some I didn't even really understand..."
"And this world is a mirror universe? Quantum locked or something? Is it possible that you were both pregnant but with only one baby?"
> Both Twilights look up at the suggestion, initially offended but as they look at each other, their eyes grow wide.
> "It...was a really quick pregnancy," Professor Twi admits. "I just thought I wasn't showing until a few months into it."
> Twilight nods. "We'd have to look through Bright Eyes' notes...but...I I suppose it makes a kind of sense...I couldn't find the umbilical cord anywhere...and I just kinda shrank back to regular size."
> Prof gasps. "I...I mean...he had my blood...and her blood...if your magic can use that-"
> "Of course...blood is a very powerful linking agent, and if-"
> As the two Twilights rattle on about their theory, the rest of the girls just step back and watch them work. Pinky pulls out a notepad and begins to write down ideas for a super-dooper-mothers-day-bash with a pen in her mouth. Rarity is too busy showing her how to hold a pen to notice as you disappear into the mirror.
 
***
 
> On the other side, the building is being propped up by magic and emergency crews are everywhere.
> A shocked Shining Armor is there at the entrance to the collapsed lab. "Princess! Over here!"
> Cadance lands a moment later, breathing an honest sigh of relief. "Oh, heavens! Are you alright, Anon? We feared the worst when Twilight made the call...the building had almost fallen over and when she said she detected a portal-"
"I'm alive."
> "But are you hurt?" she presses, looking you over frantically.
"I'm alive," you repeat, then walk past.
> Walking out of the rubble to where a body-bag is covering a pair of ponies. Blinky and his sister if the outlines are anything to go off of.
"Congrats, buster. You fucked with two universes worth of my wife."
> You pull out your revolver and promptly empty the remaining four rounds into the body. Crotch level.
> The two royals and the street full of ponies in witness all open their mouths, horrified at the sound of gunfire and the sudden holes in the body.
> On the silent prayer that you miscounted, you raise the gun to your own head and pull. Nothing but a click.
"Oh well."
> You drop the gun as the guards swarm you. An unlucky stallion-knee brings you back to your favourite part about today...other than holding that little girl that you thought was yours for a moment.
> Unconsciousness.
 
***
 
> The smell. Ponyville. Fluttershy's hut if the tangy scent of bunny urine is anything to go off of.
> You try to sit up but you find a thick, moving vine is resting on top of you. Oh, nevermind. A boa constrictor.
"HELP!"
> Fluttershy is there a moment later, and she frowns at you. "Anon! Don't you ever do that again! Do you know how worried we were about you?"
"I HAVE A FUCKING SNAKE AROUND MY CHEST!"
> "And Mister Hissy is very angry with you too! Why did you try to...Bang...yourself?"
"FLUTTERSHY I AM SERIOUSLY AFRAID OF SNAKES! ESPECIALLY BIG ONES THAT CAN EAT ME!"
> Flutters finally relents and coaxes the massive yellow python to move. It glares at you, then her, then moves of to find another warm lump to sleep on.
> You breathe deeply, trying to relax. Someone else enters the room and Fluttershy leaves without a word.
> "I'm sorry, Anonymous," Twilight says, sitting next to you, tears already forming. "Look at me...Princess of magic and master of accidental kidnappings."
> It's a long time before either of you speak. The numbness of the day's events is still heavy.
"So...she wasn't ours?"
> "No," Twilight says quietly. "We checked...and the spells and science seem to indicate some kind of duality between our worlds. But...there was only one father, so..."
"So she's not ours."
> "No."
"Oh," you sigh. "Too bad. She really was beautiful."
> "Yeah. She was..." she swallowed back the tears. "I know...I've done...a terrible thing, but will you hear me out? Just once more? Then you can decide?"
> You look into her eyes. All your anger is spent. All your ice is melted. You almost feel...human again. But you also remember everything.
"Alright. Once."
> "I was...in heat. And I know that normally doesn't mean anything, and it's not an excuse. But I learned from the other Twilight that because she was going through her pregnancy I may have experienced a lot of the same urges...the needs...not for-"
"Sex?"
> She nods. "Not really for that...but for a baby. It was so powerful. Even now I try to think about what happened and I can barely recognize myself. And I know that you can't possibly trust me...not like before...but I can honestly say I didn't mean to do it. I was willing to do anything...but betray you. And I still can't believe I did. And maybe...if all these spells and all these hormones did something to me that fundamentally...I can ask you to believe that I didn't. That I never would have. That I wasn't the same mare."
> You look away as she begins to sob.
> "I wasn't me...I wasn't your wife...but I am now. I am...and I miss us. Oh, Anon, I love you and if this is the last time I-"
"I forgive you."
> "No! You don't understand...I can't live like that again! Either-"
> But she's already shut up as you kiss her.
> It feels good. Real good. Even with the bitter parts of your soul still screaming out against her betrayal...somehow they get quieter now as she kisses you back.
 
** MONTHS LATER **
 
> The office never looked better. Clean, warm and inviting instead of a repurposed highrise flat.
"Damn good to be back."
> Instead of the skyline of Manehattan, the treeline of the Everfree Forest lay outside your windows, with Ponyville and the new palace not far away.
> "AHHH! YOU STUPID...NO! NOT THERE!"
"Ladies? Is there a problem?"
> Professor Twilight poked her head out of the bathroom angrily. "No. Nothing. Can you get us some towels? Your wife has severely overestimated her bladder control."
> Something bumps your leg and you look down to see a tiny pony-human looking up at you with a pacifier in her mouth.
"Come on, Starlight. Let's get your momma and godmother a towel, alright?"
> She giggles happily as you pick her up and head to the closet. Her mother, the Professor leans out of the bathroom and kisses her daughter on the forehead before returning back to the horrors within.
"Let's go get you loaded up with sugar!"
> "YAYA! PINKIEPIETIME!" the little girl mumbles around the soother.
> "Don't you DARE, Anon! She didn't sleep for THREE DAYS after last time!" the Proff shouts back.
"Aww, maybe later," you wink.
> The kid winks back. Daaw....
> Finally the two Twilights...both in Pony form...come out of the bathroom. "Next time we're coming back to the human world to do the test," the Prof says, waving around a white plastic device with her magic and glaring at her stained coat.
> YOUR Twilight looks like she still needs to pee, but it's all nerves, you can tell. "What does it say? Did it work?"
> "IF it worked, you mean you coming to my lab and fornicating in my guest futon, then we should know if your ovim transformed while you were there in a few seconds. Sit."
> "I-"
"Sit, Twilight, please."
> Your wife lets out a defeated squeak, then glares at the clock. "I can move time ahead if you-"
"TWILIGHT!"
> "Sorry..."
> Finally, after what seems like five minutes, Professor Twi opens the little protective sheath on the test and groans.
"W-what is it?"
> Your wife's ears go flat against her head. "Is...It's not?"
"Come on, Professor, what is it?" you ask, resisting the urge to drop her kid and grab the pregnancy test yourself.
> Professor Twilight grumbles. "I guess this means I get to have a phantom pregnancy now, huh? All the bloating...the swelling...the cravings...." she breathes out a long sigh. "But...I suppose...it's my turn."
> Twilight finally breaks and snatches the test away from her mirror-universe counterpart. Her eyes grow twice as wide and she makes a sound that you think could be the world's first recorded joy-induced aneurysm.
> You wisely put down Starlight before she gets crushed.
> She holds it up to your eyes and you see the little blue plus shining bright against the back of the test paper. "Anon...You...I...I-I'm pregnant."
 
>You are Anonymous. You are no longer the only Human in Equestria. Maybe the only non-purple one, now. A million questions come to you in a rush of joy...of relief...of emotions you didn't even realize were possible.
> You are...no...you are no LONGER Anon. You are....you...are....
 
"Hello, Pregnant..." you whisper, leaning down to embrace your wife. "I'm Dadanon."