>You are Anonymous.
>Your obsession to get to Equestria has consumed most of your time lately.
>It has got to the point that you are looking for rituals on the web.
>Right now you are about to do the most ridiculous one yet.
>To summon the power of Shrek.
>You try to get the stupid, but safe methods out first...
>Well. Not on this case.
>Melting all the onions you could find. You put all the liquid in a syringe.
>When the red moon raised. You were ready.
>You broke into the propriety of your local church.
>Inside you start the preparations.
>A pentagram drawn in the floor.
>Chanting the Latin words you found on the net.
>After doing so. You inject the love to your veins.
>It was weird as hell.
>Then; you wait. And wait...
"Dayum dis stupid ass fuckers. Full of bullsh-"
>You feel a throb.
>Your left arm hurts. Your respiration is cut.
>Pressure in your chest.
>You fall into the floor.
>Your last words.
"Ah should've done dis on a swamp..."
>Looking on the bright side. You had a peculiar death.
>After the darkness. You rise from the ashes.
>What the fuck were ashes doing above your body anyway?
>Wait a minute. Hooves?
"Fuck yeah. I wasn't bamboozled."
>You scream to the blue sky.
"SHREK IZ LOVE!!!
SHREK IZ LIFE!!!"
>After repeatedly blessing your savior. You pay attention to your body.
>Wings? Nigga; you were a pegasus. Sweet.
>Scanning your surroundings. You realize that you are on the Everfreet forest.
"Aw shit nigga. Ah'm on dat ziggers turf... Da fuck was her hide at again?"
>You try to fly. But it only resulted in a land crash.
"Fuck. Dis wings ain't got no swag."
>You spoke wincing in pain.
>Flying wasn't an option.
>You trot aimlessly around the forest.
>Then you were found tiber wolves.
>They corner you. Ready to attack.
"Oh hell naw. I ain't gonna get bite by yaur rabies. Go away!"
>You scream to the wolves. Hoping that they will pull out.
>What you didn't expect; was that the puppies would start rubbing against you.
"Ah hell naw. Getcha asses out of here! Don't be bossin on me."
>But they ignored your command.
>One of the dogs licks your face.
"Fuckin dawgs..."
>The monsters were happy to be next to you.
"Imma get five-o pet control on yaur'll if yo dunnot fly bye."
>The doggies didn't care.
>Reluctantly. You accept their affection.
"Ah guess yaur mah fresh-ly hommies now."
>The canines can't bother to blink an eye on you.
>Whatever.
>With your new friends on your tail. You venture into the forest.
"Playaz... We need to dig deeper."
>And deeper you went.
>Unfortunately you didn't find anything.
"This is some shit here brah.
Where Am I, biatch?
Any nigs gonna help a sistah?"
>Your ramblings were lost in the maze of the woods.
>The only company you had were three wolves.
"Ya'll ain't gonna get rid of me. Not dat doggystyle. Got'cha?!?"
>Your companions couldn't decipher your hood talk.
>Beta faggosts.
>Hours pass quickly.
>Afternoon. And you're still in this hellhole of a place.
"Dis ain't what I thought Ah'll be bustin once Ah gots here... Shit sucks."
>Defeated. You try to use your wings one more time.
>You fell flat on the ground.
"Goddamit."
>You keep trying and trying. Cursing on every failure.
>Eventually. Your fellow friends depart to somewhere unknown.
"Hey!! Hey! Where yo think yaur goin?!? Ah'm spittin at yo. Fuckin come back!!"
>Your fellowship didn't respond.
>You follow them to what you hope isn't an adventure.
"Yo idiotic muthafuckas!! Yaur asses are mine biatches!! Come back ta me!"
>Tracking them down. You come across a raggity ass tree.
"Bout time."
>Seems like you finally located Zecora.
>You knock on the door.
>No response.
>You knock again.
>Nothing.
>Angrily you knock once more.
"Knock-knock ring'ding a-ling dick dong-dum diddy-dum, quit ingnorin me biaaatch!"
>You left the door to the verge of collapse.
>You snort.
"Whatevs. Ah didnt wanna talk ta ya anyway..."
>You give the zigger some time to respond.
>Fuck her.
>As you leave her busted hide behind.
>She appears from behind some bushes.
>"My. What I stare at is strange. I was expecting a large stallion mage."
"Where was yo?!?"
>You asked with an accusatory tone.
>The zebra was a bit astonished.
>"Gathering the fruits of the forest. From poison jokes to wall crests."
>You noticed the saddles she carries as she says so.
"Ah ain't takin yaur shit."
>You storm out of her vision.
>"Wait. Have some faith on me."
"Oh yeah. What if Ah don't!"
>You turn to her furious. With some violence on your voice.
>"You came for an answer to me. To master that new body of yours. Comply and I shall provide."
>Thinking it again. You're lost in a dangerous forest.
>Might as well accept her offer.
"Kay. But only cuz Ah'm lost up in dis ghetto."
>"Follow me."
>You go behind her trail. Right back to her home tree.
>She tries to open the door. But it collapsed as she touched it.
>Zecora glares at you.
"Oh yeah. Blame the niggerest."
>No racism is a lie.
>Zecora rolled her eyes and proceeded to enter her house.
>Inside. There are many voodoo items and miscellaneous relics.
>You whistle.
"Dayum. Ya sure shizzle know ta pimp yaur turf."
>The zebra was baffled at your comment.
>"I'll take it as compliments. Now let me align my equipment. Then we shall speak."
"Don't sweat it sis."
>Zecora started to unpack.
>Meanwhile, you were busy admiring the junk in her house.
>It was then when you saw it.
>A mirror. And god almighty could not protect you of what was on it.
>Amber eyes. Nocturnal pupils.
>Thin jet grey covers your body.
>Your mane was a weird 80's style mix with metal hair from those years.
>Oh by god. Are those Chiropteran...
>Indeed. You is a bat pone. And not the cute kind.
"SHIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEET!!"
>Your scream echoed inside the house.
>The hermit asked. Shocked at your fear.
>"What has disturbed you?"
"What disturbs me, son? Ah'll be tellin ya! Ah look shittier than shaniquia, yo. How come yaur ass ain't dazzled!"
>Again. The poor recluse couldn't comprehend your word.
>She puts her hoof to her chin. Pondering on your sentence.
>"What you are saying is how come I'm unsurprised by your appearance."
"Yah. It ain't hard ta catch. Right?"
>At loss of words. Zecora decides to change the subject.
>"On such case. I was told by an old sage. That a dark creature would visit on the orange sky."
>What does this even mean?
"Yo don't rap fancy. Ain't need for dat."
>Once again. You have puzzled her.
>She tries it again.
>"On insipid words. Your visit was warned to me."
>Interesting.
"An' who be snitchin?"
>"The gentleman behind."
>She points her hoof to the outside.
>As you turn to meet the snitch. A giant green hand picks you.
>"Aaah. In tha name of fuck!!"
>It pulls you out of Zecora's.
>"My lady."
>He said sardonically.
>Then you see it. It was a colossal Shrek.
>By Jehovah. It was no one else but the true god itself.
"Gawdayum nigger; don't spook me like so. Also. Heya brotha."
>Shrek proceeds to talk.
>"You are in my swamp."
>He squishes you. Enough to cause you pain.
"Aaargh!! What the fuck!"
>"Get out of my swamp!"
>Shrek was unhappy.
"The fuck are ya talkin bout bro-"
>He squishes again.
"Fuckin nigg-"
>And once more.
"Ya fuckin-Argh!
stupid biatch-FUCK!!
ya'll be. All balls and-Aahh!
no shaft. What happened-Aaah!
What happened ta yaur shaft Shrek!!"
>The ogre was expressionless. Then he said.
>"Hold on. One more time. She can still make it."
"Oh naw ya ain't-"
>Shrek squished you one last time.
>This time. The pain was so strong that you passed out.
>...
>A beeping sound awakes you.
>You find yourself in a hospital room. Surrounded by medical equipment.
>A doctor closes to you.
"Hey yo... Wazzup with dis things..."
>"Ma'am. You suffered a heart attack."
"And how..."
>"The syringe you used had an air bubble on it. You were clumsy."
>Fuck this gay world.
>"Also ma'am. May I ask. What kind of satanic ritual involves melting onions."
>Curse you internet.
"I was bamboozled... with red onions..."