MacGyver in Equestria
[By Sprontr]
 
> Be Angus MacGyver from the Phoenix Foundation.
> Peter Thornton sent you to recover the black box from a soviet plane crash in the deserts of western Kyrgyzstan.
> You could never say no to that pudgy fellow.
> The sun is barely over the horizon, as you had been flying all night.
> The plane gives a slight beeping as you approach your destination.
> The blackbird’s pilot signals you to jump, and you airdrop over the open desert.
> According to general protocol, you stash the parachute and start your searching.
> The pillar of smoke is fairly noticeable.
> So are the 20-odd guards swarming the wreck, positioned on the edge of a rock ridge.
> You see them reach into the wreckage and pull out the black box and put it on the ground.
> Now what?
> You need a way to get they away from the wreck…
> You reach into your bag and pull out your trusty pocketknife.
> You rush back your parachute and cut off as much paracord as you can and start splicing them to make them thinner.
> You scan the desert brush and find some pieces of dry wood, lashing cut pieces of your parachute to them with dry grasses and paracord.
> You tie the spliced paracord to your contraption and voila!
> You have a kite and means to fly it.
> The wind is coming over the ridge and sweeping the air upward.
> Perfect.
> Sneaking over to the edge, you tie your kite to a stone, and place it just on the edge of the ridge and duck your way over to the other side of the wreck.
> And wait.
> C’mon… catch….
> Suddenly, the wind grabs the kite and pushes it upward.
> The Soviets see it and go to investigate.
> Aw, yis.
> You sprint to the box and start dicking around with your hands like Indiana Jones in the Temple of Doom.  
> You look up to see one, a scrawny little fucker, see you and call to the others.
> They shout something that sounds like [spoiler]“Cheeki Breeki!”[/spoiler] and start rushing at you, guns firing.
> Takethemoneyandrun.gif
> You grab the box and run to the left of the rocky ridge and out of sight.
> The ridge is more of a depression in the ground.
> There is a cave to one side, and a pile of what looks like explosives to the other.
> And a dead end in front of you.
> You have about 30 seconds before the Ruskis are all over you. Think fast!
> They won’t stop until they kill you.
> Or until they think they kill you!
 
> Be kebob-removing scrawny Soviet serviceman.
> Some cheeky Americunt tried to spy on your top secret mission.
> No, no, no. NOT TODAY!
> You pull your gun up and start going full /k/ on his sorry ass.
> He ducks behind the ridge before you could get a shot on him.
> You are up like a bolt, and sprinting with the full force of Mother Russia!
> You get right up to the rock ridge when an earthshattering explosion erupts from around the corner.
> You duck down and look over your shoulder in time to see a massive fireball well up.  
> You smile to yourself and watch as the brush burns.
> No one could have survived that shit.
> A few of your comrades surround the ridge, but after 10 minutes, there is no motion.
> You will go get the body and the box after the fire dies down.
 
> Be Mac again.
> You ducked into the cave and made it far enough in before setting off the explosives with a flare gun.
> Problem solved!
> Almost.
> The explosion knocked some rocks loose, and the resulting cave-in sealed off the opening.
> Only one way to go now.
> As you reach the end of the cave, you notice that the cave-in had also dislodged some rocks at this end, and a path is revealed, barely large enough to squeeze through, standing up, nose to the wall.
> As you shuffle though the tunnel, you notice that the cave walls get increasingly smooth, to the point that they do not seem to be natural formations anymore.
> It’s completely dark, but you manage to feel your way around.
> You kick something.
> Must be a rock.
> You attempt to push it out of the way, but, while it does move, there appears to be some resistance, as if the rock is pivoting on something.
> You try to step over it, only to step on something dry, almost paperlike, that collapses under your foot, much unlike the rocks that surround you.
> You have just enough room to crouch down and feel what it is.
> is that… fabric?
> What the hell?
> You light up a flare in the ancient cave.
> You wish you didn’t.
> A desiccated corpse is sprawled out before you.
> The “rock” was its skull, and you had stepped over it onto it’s torso, which crumbled under your weight.
> The body looked as if it was a thousand years old.
> But that’s not the odd part.
> Its skin was a sickly green, and it appeared to be wearing a full tuxedo.
> Due to your time in Veitnam, you are no stranger to corpses, and you bend down to get a look at its face, which was covered by a green mask with a black question mark on it.
“You don’t see that every day…”
> In your curiosity, you forgot that you were holding a flaming object over what is essentially a paper husk.
> You realize it too late, and an ember from the flare falls down, down, down.
> The poor soul lights up instantaneously, and you barely have time to jump back before the body becomes a bonfire.
 
> You push onwards, and the small passageway widens to the point you can spread your arms out, and then it opens up to a large chamber.
> A stone-carved alter lies in the center of the room,
> Oddly, the walls are decorated with what appears to be horses, but in a variety of colors, and with heads far too large for their bodies, and text including “Thanks M.A. Larson,” “Twilicorn a Shit,” and “>No Hooves”.
> More disconcerting though, were the six skeletons kneeling in a circle before the alter.
> Tibetan monks, it looks like, but, peculiarly, they appeared to be wearing cargo shorts under their robes.
> They are identical, save for a stuffed animals they are each holding. They are all horses, but some have wings and some have horns.
> Orange, yellow, white, purple, blue, and pink.
> You walk over to the alter and find an encryption etched in its stone surface.
> This thing is seriously ancient, but somehow the inscription is in English.
> You read it aloud.
[spoiler]“I want to cum inside Rainbow Dash?”[/spoiler]
> As if responding to your voice, it glows in a faint, but growing, blue light, and makes a faint, but growing, whirring hum.
> The flare goes out.
> You start to back away, but the blue light keeps getting brighter and brighter.
> The light illuminates the bones around you, and the entire cavern is illuminated.
> The Whirring is as loud as a jet engine.
> You soon find yourself on the ground covering your eyes to prevent them from melting, and covering your ears to prevent them from bleeding.
> Suddenly, everything stops.
> No light, no whirring.
> You put your hands down and feel the soft grass.
> Wait, soft grass?
> You look up.
> You are no longer in the cave, but rather in a dark wood clearing.
 
DUNDUNDUNDUN-DUUUUUNdundadun Dadadududuhduhdandundan!