----- Gratuity -----
[By Sprontr, 12/27/14]
 
> Be You.
> Yes, you, you beta faggot.
> You are sitting at your computer right now, lurking /mlp/, and reading a [shamlessselfpromotion] pretty good greentext [/shamlessselfpromotion]
> You’re a scrawny motherfucker.
> Testosterone never really kicked in.
> Everyone called you “little boy”
> You were used to it.
> You open another tab and go to Netflix.
> Start watching My Little Pony.
> It’s your favorite show.
> You tried to convert your friends and relatives, but they all cringed too hard for you to make an impact.
> You look out your window at the night sky.
> The North Star is bright.
> You have seen all the Disney princess movies, and know the power of wishing upon a star.
“If anyone is out there,” you begin, “….I want… no… I WISH to cum inside Rainbow Dash….”
> Nothing happens.
> Oh well, I guess dreams never do come tru-
> Suddenly, the ground begins to quake.
> Earthquake, motherfucker!
> Thisisit.jpg
> You dive to save the first thing you think of to save.
> Your Rainbow Dash toy.
> After saving your little Dashie, you hug her to your chest and close your eyes and wait for the quake to pass.
> Soon enough, it does.
> You open your eyes.
> You are no longer in your room.
> Did the ceiling collapse?
> Did you die?
> You slowly stand up, carefully putting Dashie down and giving her mane a few quick brushes.
“Finally! I’ve been transported to Equestria and I can live with my waifu and we can be happy together forever!”
> “What the fuck are you talking about?”
> A man walks up to you, wearing an official-looking green uniform.
> “I’m President Truman, and we brought your sorry ass back here to August 6, 1945 because we need you.”
> He looks down and sees Dashie.
> “What do you think this is? Ponyland? Now, stop being such a [spoiler] homosexual and get in the Gay.[/spoiler]”
> You just stand there stunned like the beta faggot you are.
“W-What? I’m sorry, my good sir, but I don’t swing that way. I am saving my marriage-virginity for my waifu, Rainbow Dash.”
> You gesture down to the vinyl collectible.
> Truman looks down at Dashie, then back to you
> He pulls a facepalm with a heavy side of cringe.
> “What the fuck is wrong with people in the future?”
> Truman does an official-looking 360 and walks out.
> After he leaves, it doesn’t take long for the very nice yet very convincing men with very large guns to load you and Dashie into the Enola Gay’s cargo bay.
> At least your cargo pants aren’t out of place anymore.
> The plane sputters to life and takes off into the sky.
 
 
> The time passes slowly.
> It feels like you are flying in circles.
> You are sitting next to a navigator who is just sitting there, bored.
> You lean in and look him in the eyes.
> You ask the question.
[spoiler] “So. Who’s your favorite pony?” [/spoiler]
 
 
> It doesn’t take long for the very nice yet very convincing men with very large guns to load you and Dashie into a parachute harness.
“We’re going to jump? That sounds pretty dangerous. I can’t fly; I’m not a Pegasus…”
> The navigator and co-pilot share a “is-this-nigga-serious?” glance, then both simultaneously push you out the bay door.
> As you fall, you hear the navigator shout as loud as he can down to you.
> [spoiler] “No faggots on the Gay!” [/spoiler]
 
 
> You deploy your parachute above a small city.
> You gently float down, and you pull Dashie out of your pocket and start petting her hair.
> The ground is getting closer.
> Suddenly, motherfucking bird out of nowhere!
> It knocks Dashie from your grasp and she falls to the streets below.
> It takes you a moment to process.
> Then you flip out.
> You are frantically trying to get the parachute off and find her.
> You don’t care about the fall.
> You don’t care about yourself.
> You have to protect your pony waifu.
> These freaking clips are impossible to unhook.
> You watch in dismay as you slowly drift farther and farther away from her.
> You touch down in a small park in the middle of the city.
> You get the parachute off and start making your way towards where you last saw her.
> As you round a corner, you bump into another person, a man.
> He is wearing a uniform and has a flag on his shoulder.
> A white rectangle with a red dot in the middle.
> He looks at you.
> Or he squints at you.
> You can’t really tell.
> He says something to you that sounds something like [spoiler] “ching-chang-chong” [/spoiler] before walking off.
> [spoiler] Fucking Chinese. [/spoiler]
 
 
> You need to find Dashie, but you can’t do it on an empty stomach.
> You duck into a local restaurant.
> Surprisingly, you are greeted in English, albeit broken.
> “Herro! Rewcome to Sushi Haurse!”
> You timidly sit down with tears in your eyes.
> “Awwww, ruts rong?”
“I just lost a very good friend of mine…”
> “Aww, how twajic. You know rut you need? Sushi!”
“I had her, and she just slipped from my grasp…”
> “Here, have a araskra roll.”
> He hands you a plate of sketchy looking fish, then comes over to talk to you.
> “My name is [spoiler]Yu[/spoiler].”
“Thanks Yu, I haven’t seen generosity like this since season 1 of My Little Pony.”
> Yu looks at you.
> And starts laughing.
> “Ah-haha! Ry Rittle Prony? Aren’t pronys for grurls?”
> You say nothing.
> They never listen.
> You drown your sorrows with enough miso soup and sushi to kill a small animal.
> Not that you would ever do it, you fucking beta, but you could probably even drown Yu in it.
[spoiler] > inb4 >implying Asians aren’t small animals [/spoiler]
> With a Dashie that needs saving, you are eager to leave.
> Then you get the bill.
> And realized that the small allowance the United States military gave you only paid for the meal and tax.
> With few options, you leave what money you have and look to Yu, who is tiding up another table.
> You make a break for it.
> You make it outside, only to hear that sing-song ching-chong voice rise up out of the restaurant.
“RRRAAAAYY, come rack here!”
> Gottagofast.gif
> You duck and dive between carriage carts as fast as your scrawny legs will carry you, as Yu follows not far behind.
> You know what he was going to say, those four little words you never wanted to hear.
> Step one: Find Dashie.
> You’ll deal with Yu later.
> But just incase you ended up cornered, you needed to make a quick stop.
> You duck into the local haberdashery and make a quick steal, still managing to stay ahead of Yu.
> And by steal, you mean it.
> You have no yen
> You have no dollars
> You have only a bunch of fake plastic bits you used at your local BronyCon.
> You quickly throw them on the ground.
> Yu, who is not far behind you, slips on the small plastic cylinders and you can put some distance between you.
> You reach an open courtyard.
> Nowhere to run.
> Nowhere to hide.
> Yu, breathless, comes out of a corridor and spots you.
> “Hoi!” He says in his ching-chongy accent.
> He is panting heavily, but he still manages to choke out those four little words.
> “How abrout a tip?!”
> You look back at him.
> You give a solemn sigh.
> You were done running.
> You were done hiding.
> They never learn.
> You had to reveal your true power levels.
> For Dashie.
> Your heart burns with the burning fury of Celestia’s mane as you scream back to him.
“You want a tip…”
> You whipped the stolen item out of your bag with your right hand and lifted it to your head.
> You raised your left arm to meet your now fedora-ed countenance.
> You were going to need both hands for this one.
“….THEN I SHALL GIVE IT TO YOU!”
> You release a bloodcurdling scream as you smash your arms down, pulling the brim of the gentleman’s hat down, down, down.
> The fabric of the brim is stretching, but your euphoria is stretching the very fabric of reality.
> The brim shears and rips apart, then reforms as the multiverses struggle to keep existence from collapsing.
> Schrodinger’s cat is dead in all situations.
> For a brief moment, all dimensions, realities, and scenarios are one as space-time coalesces onto a single point.
> Yu’s eyes go blank as your euphoria goes supernova, collapsing in on itself in the very nexus of all realities.
> He lifts his hands to cover his face from the blinding light, but there is no escaping your fury.
> He can see the bones in his hands and the light shining through them is still enough to make him scream in agony as his eyelids cannot block out your euphoria.
> Suddenly, everything stops.
> You have surpassed your mortal form, and now float there, fully transcendental.
> Tippus maximus
> Your cargo shorts softly sway in the wind.
> The scent of Doritos is heavy in the air.
> The temperature in the immediate area [spoiler] drops 20%. [/spoiler]
> Your eyes are closed, as you no longer need them.
> Yu’s eyes are completely melted.
> He is covered in third degree burns.
> He is crying and shaking in a mix of pain and fear.
> “Ra…rat are yo-”
> Your eyes shoot open at his words.
> Acting like a euphoric capacitor, you instantly release everything you absorbed.
> The closest comparison is that scene from Indiana Jones when they open the Ark.
> But all three horrible fates happening at once.
> Anyone within a five mile radius of you is either killed instantly, vaporized, or worse; killed multiple times in multiple different ways in multiple different dimensions.
> The high-pressure shockwave of euphoria obliterates everything in its path, turning civilians to mush, sand to glass, glass to dust, and buildings into gravel.
> It was over as quickly as it began.
> You gently float down and rest amongst the smoldering ashes and rubble.
> You fall to your knees and feel the charred ground, the soot clinging to your fingers like Cheetos dust.
> Dashie lays on the ground before you, untouched by your wrath.
> You pick her up and start brushing her mane and tail.
 
> tfw you try to enlighten them.
> tfw when they never listen.
> tfw you mess with little boy.