Dynamic Statics
 
Originally posted under the pseudonym "Staticsfag" on 11/23/2014 on /mlp/
[Be warned: M/F l-lewd. Some high level physics jokes and nonsense involved.]
 
> Day shit hitting the fan at an alarming rate in Equestria.
> Be Anon.
> You are an engineering student in a prestigious university in Canterlot.
> Sit in the back of your statics class writing greentexts because fuck statics class.
> Being dropped into Equestria with only what you had on your back was bad
> Trying to find a job was worse.
> You know what job everyone needs?
> Engineers.
> You sigh and start thinking of a good name for your characters.  
> Class begins as the professor pony starts talking with a raspy accent.
> He sounds like Q from Star Trek.
> What a coincidence
> Suddenly, out of nowhere, the door is almost knocked down by a purple mare with wings and a disheveled mane.
> “Am I late? I’ve never been late before! PLEASE TELL ME I’M NOT LATE!”
> The professor looks at her.
> “I guess not, class started about 30 seconds ago. Just sit anywhere.”
> She looks around the classroom.
> There is only one seat.
> Next to you.
> WhichseatshouldItake.mov
> She flies over and plops down next to you.
> She is visibly hyperventilating and her eyes are watery, but she looks greatly relieved.
> She pulls out her pad of paper and pencil from her saddlebag and begins scribbling.
> Until her pencil snaps in half.
> She groans.
> Engaging white knight mode.
> You offer her your pencil, which you had been using for the very critical purpose of spinning around in circles.  
> “Oh, thanks, ummm….” She says, “What’s your name?”
“Anonymous. The Great. And Prestigious. Hailing from the lands of 4chan”
> You were also the spectacular spaghetti-spewing serpent of suburban slums, based off of how you said that.
> “Well Mr. Anonymous, I thank you. My name is Twilight Sparkle.”
“A pleasure to meet you.”
> The professor is trying to find out where he made a mistake in his math, so Twilight continues talking to you.
> “Have you had any luck integrating to pony society?”
“Integrating doesn’t seem to make a difference. I feel like e^x.”
> She giggles softly at your comment, clearly understanding it.
> “I can ‘+ C’ what you did there.”
> She goes back to taking notes.
> She is so fucking cute.
> Those eyes, that smile.
> [spoiler] And what a sweet ass [/spoiler]
> Maybe you can get a date with her?
> You would be the envy of all your online horsefucker friends, and they would kill themselves to be in your position.  
> Your hands are clammy.
> You can’t think straight.
> This may be the most important sentence of your life.
> YOLO.flac
[spoiler] “Ay gurl u wunt sum fuk?” [/spoiler]
> Spaghetti geysers erupt from your pockets, and you are drenched in their saucy torrent.
> Her smile faded and was replaced with one of emotional strain.
> Somebody tried. Somebody failed.
> After a few moments of emotional discomfort, she responds
> “I… I don’t think this is a good direction for this conversation. I think you should go away.”
> Her voice was quivering and she was obviously feeling uncomfortable.
> Perfect. Time for more jokes.
“Wow Twilight, that is cold. Like -273.15 degrees Celsius cold, but I think I’ll be 0K.”
> You can still salvage this.
> She laughs nervously, but she still seems to want you to move.
> Fuck that.
“You want to act on me? From that distance there?”
> You gesture to the three feet of space between you.
> She starts to blush when she realizes what you’re implying.
“I… I think we are having a moment here, Twilight.”
> “What!” Her voice turns from one of discomfort to one of anger as she goes on the defensive.
> “The only distance I want to be from you is very, very far away.”
> Ouch. That hurt.
> But not enough to stop you.
“That only makes the moment stronger.”
> She was somewhere between laughing uncontrollably and ready to gouge your eyes out with a melon baller.
> It could go either way.
> She heaves a grumbling sigh and gets back to taking notes.
> Obviously, you weren’t going to let that happen.
“Hey Twilight?”
> “Leave me alone.”
“Hey, hey, I try to force myself on you and you just force back, you know what that makes us, Twilight? You know what that makes us?!”
> “Damnit Anonymous, I’m trying to focu-”
“A couple, Twilight! A COUPLE!”
> You are laughing so hard right now, but you are so far in the back that the professor doesn’t notice.
> Twilight shudders but still attempts to focus on her note taking.
> The professor is going on about truss analysis.
> “So, given that we have a member of length 0.3 meters and a force of 180 Neightons acting along the vector <3i – 4j + 0k>  on the end of it, it is possible to equate this to the other segments in the triangle, since we know that the entire system is in equilibrium…”
> Stoppedlisteningthere.mp3
> Keeping your head facing forward, you lean towards Twilight, who is scribbling extremely fast in an attempt to get everything down.
> And also avoid you.
> “Hey Twilight, what do you weigh?”
> While that question would usually get you choked back on earth, Twilight thought it would be best if she just told you.
> “I don’t know, 40 lbs. Why?”
> Bad call on her part.
> With a shit-eating grin you lean right up to her ear and whisper:
“Do you want to be the 180N force hanging off my one foot member?”
> d(rage)/d(t) was through the fucking roof.
> All Jimmies rustled.
> All Jigglies puffled.
> She grinds her teeth at your comment, then takes a deep breath and regains her composure.
> “You know what Anonymous? YOU KNOW WHAT? I accept.”
> lulwut?
> Your smile fades, and now it’s your turn to be shocked.
> Just then, the professor dismisses the class.
> “See you at 11 Anonymous. Right here.” She winks at you and walks out, leaving you in a stunned daze.
> [spoiler] Smooth as fuck. [/spoiler]
 
 
> You have no idea what she is planning, but you sure as hell won’t let her win.
> You were a fucking beta faggot on earth, no need to be a fucking beta faggot here in Equestria too.
>  You’re standing in a dark lecture hall an hour before midnight waiting to have sex with a horse.
> Thanks, Obama.
> As the clock strikes 11, Twilight walks in.
> Wearing horse lingerie.
> Surprisingly, as your whyboner attests, horses wearing skimpy clothes are much more arousing then their usual attire of nothing at all.
> Fuck. Spaghetti management is critical as you attempt to sputter out any words that are not embarrassing.
“…So 100 kilopascals go into a bar…”
> Flawless victory.
> She walks down to you and puts her saddlebag on the desk. Before walking over to you and gesturing to the professor’s desk in a quirky geek’s closest attempt at being sexy.
> Your dong is expanding faster than the universe after the Big Bang.
> Speaking of big bangs, you realize that you haven’t said anything to Twilight in a while and try again.  
“I wish I was your secant line so I could touch you in at least two places!”
> Better. At least that one was somewhat sexual.
> She begins to chuckle under her breath while attempting to remain sexy.
> “Do you want to be my statistics homework? Really hard while I do you on the desk?”
> Oh shit.
> She was playing your game.
> She wanted the D.
> She wanted the D so bad.
> She wanted the D more than anyone who had ever had centripetal acceleration and velocity.
> She just needed permission.
“Since distance equals velocity times time, let's let velocity or time approach infinity, because I want to go all the way with you.”
> Close enough.
> She walks over to you and wraps her hooves around your neck.
> “In Euclidean geometry two parallel lines never touch ... Why don’t we study some non-Euclidean geometry?”
> Topunf.exe
> She removes what little clothing she has, in a manner that is clearly attempting to re-enact sex scenes she read about in her books.
> Topperunf.exe
> This was far more arousing than it should be, given the species gap, but given your degenerate case of sexual-interest-in-anything-with-a-hole-iphilia, you didn’t care.
> She turned around and showed you what you were up against.
> This wasn’t the result of some crappy drawfag’s thought that it would be a good idea to put a human vagina on a horse.
> No, this was 100% legit horse pussy.
> The only thing stopping it from being completely bon-a-fide was your pants, which Twilight magically undoes and tosses aside.
> She gasps.
> Your fucking hung like a Foucault Pendulum.
“Filly, you take the ‘C’ out of sec(xy)”
> What’s this mare’s game? She must be up to something, but you can’t see what it would be.
> With only enough blood to run one brain at once, you walk over to Twilight who is lying on her back.
> You step directly up to her and lean over her.
“If I supply the current, and you a little resistance, the closer we are to air’s dielectric breakdown. In other words, sparks will fly.”
> She giggles enough that she starts to snort.
“Safe word is [spoiler] humuhumunukunuku?pua?a [/spoiler].”
> “W-what?”
> Fucking casual.
> You lean in, inches from her face.
“Watts? Oh no, you will be measuring my power in foot
pounds
per
second.”
> She blinks.
> You flip her over and push her tail out of the way.
> You insert, and she squirms in an attempt to get in position.
> As you begin thrusting, she starts to moan with pleasure.
> “Wow, you seem to have a lot of power, Anon.”
> She must have not noticed the fucking 3 to 1 size difference.
“I work overtime a lot, Twilight. Get it? WORK OVER TIME?”
> In some abstract kind of real fucking hell, Twilight is making a noise that sounds like uncontrollable laughing and uncontrollable moaning at the same time.
> If the horsefuckers could see you now.
> “We may have learned about forces on three dimensional bodies in class, but you are the only 3D dimensional body that I want,” She says.
> This mare.
> If it’s a joke fight she wants, it’s a joke fight she’ll get.  
> As you slow down, she noticeably begins grinding on your crotch.
> ”Sorry if I am grinding on you anon,” she tries to get out between moans and laughs, ”I just cant help myself.”
“No way, Twilight, I am remaining excited! You will never get me to my ground state!”
> She is laughing, but you can see fire in her eyes.
> “I wish we could determine our coefficient of static friction.”
> At least she tried.
“I…”
> You thrust hard enough to make her eyes bulge out.
”…prefer kinetic.”
> Fuckin parried.
> “Screw me Anon! Screw me worse than that last exam!”
> Oh shit, she scored a hit.
> Now you are both laughing, trying to focus on making up another joke.
> Your brains are short circuited by your lust and you are both grasping at straws.
> You needed a finishing move.
“I am trying to lay some pipe. Whether you are structurally sound enough to handle it is on you.”
> You are losing quality fast.
> You are laughing so hard your chest begins to hurt.
> The stress on your heart is too much.
> But the strain on your beam is just right.
“I’ll be your derivative so I can lie tangent to your curves.”
> “Good thing I’m not constant, or you would be nothing.”
“Wait wha-“
> Unexpectedly, she pushes you down and climbs on top of you, keeping your cock firmly in place.
> Then she begins to rotate.
> Ohshitniggawhatareyoudoing.png
> “Let’s see how many degrees of freedom I have with you.”
> She is spinning around on your penis like a top, using her wings for thrust.
> Toppestunf.jpg
> She found your fourth axis.
> You were incapacitated.
> “I m-may be an engineer, Twilight, but I’m no Bohr in bed!”
> Size was on your side.
> In a burst of willpower, you curl up and force Twilight down between your legs.
> You roll forward, coming to rest on top of her.
> You were now railing the tiny pony on the floor, doggie style.
> Time to force the horse.  
> You lean over to Twilights ear.
“I'm gonna break you like a large non-polar substance breaks a phospholipid bilayer!”
> Her face is forced against the ground, and she is struggling to form coherent thoughts.
> “You're a moving electric charge, and I'm a moving magnetic charge…”
> Wait
> That wasn’t funny.
> She must be losing it.
> “Flux me!”
> Oh my god, she still has some fight in her.
> You are both laughing uncontrollably, but the end is Nye.
> Bill Nye.
> The Science Guy.
 
> You feel yourself getting close
> She is getting close as well.
> You are running out of time.
> In a haze of orgasmic pleasure, you start blurting out whatever your minds can grasp at.
“Are you into trig? Cos’ your Tan makes me want to Sin.”
> “I’ll treat you like my homework; I’ll slam you on the table and do you all night long!”
> Fucking Twilight is too close.
> You can’t let her win
> You won’t let her win  
> She arches her back as she orgasms and a mess of fluids seep out of her.
> You are not far behind her.
> But neither one of you care.
> There are more important matters to attend to.
“YOU CANT HANDLE THE EXPONENTAL GROWTH OF MY NATURAL LOG.”
> “I AM GOING TO DO YOU LIKE THE SAT. 3 HOURS AND 45 MINUTES …. WITH A BREAK FOR SNACKS!”
"YOU MUST BE A CHANGING MAGNETIC FIELD BECAUSE YOU ARE INDUCING A FLOW SOMEWHERE IN ME!"
> That was it.
> The world fades as the universe accepts your finishing move.
> She fucking loses it.
> Due to the immense amount of physical exertion, coupled with the constant laugher, she has to stop moving for a moment to catch her breath so she doesn’t pass out from lack of oxygen.
> She falls off you, landing next to you as your dick slips out of her with a satisfying pop.
> FATALITY.
> Game over. You win.
> In the creepiest looking pile of hysterical laughter and lusty moans, you both collapse in a giggling heap.
> As your laughter subsides, you look to Twilight.
> Twilight is nuzzling next to you, her muzzle on your chest.
> Her hair is a mess, and there are tears in her eyes from laughing so hard.
> “You will always be my favorite human, Anonymous…”
“And you will always be my favorite pony, [spoiler] Keldeo [/spoiler]”
> Shit.
> “What!?” She growls at you, jumping to her hooves and staring you down.
> She is visibly enraged, and with furious eyes, her horn glows violently as she reaches into her saddlebag…
> [spoiler] And pulls out a melon baller. [/spoiler]
> Oh Shit.
 
Fin. For you.