Episode 26: Normal Noirman, Private Eye
 
(The episode opens in black and white. In fact the entire episode is black and white. It is dark and rainy. It zooms in slowly on the exterior of Harshwhinny Towers.  It then starts to pan upwards to the sixth floor. All the while a Film Noir style jazz piano piece plays in the background)
Norman: (V/O) A dark night in a city that knows how to keep it’s secrets.  But on the 6th floor of the Harshwhinny Building, one man is still searching for the answers to life’s persistent questions…
(The camera stops on the window with Norman staring out of it)
Norman: (V/O) That’s me...Normal Noirman, Private Eye.
(The camera changes to a view behind Norman as he looks out the window.  He is dressed in a black topcoat and trousers with a fedora. There is a large desk behind him)
Norman: (V/O) It was a cold night in late October. Halloween to be exact. The type of night where one could look out the window of the sixth floor and see the glacier of winter moving slowly toward them.  Times had been tough and the recession had hit me hard.  I was working less than a West Virginia tooth fairy. (Laughter)  My voicemail contained less messages than Mayor Mare’s last campaign and my email inbox seemed to suggest that I was a sexually undersized male in need of home refinancing. (Laughter) My bank account was looking leaner than an Equestria Girl on a hunger strike. (Laughter) But all of that changed in an instant as soon as she walked in.
(SFX of a door opening as Norman turns to reveal Rarity. She is dressed in a cliche film noir femme fatale style)
Norman: (V/O) She was beautiful. The type of girl a man would be willing to get himself into deep trouble for.  She had hair that resembled a moonlit evening, fingernails as crimson as her outfit, but none of it compared to her eyes.  Pools of blue that seemed to show the promise of great times with no hint of guilt whatsoever.
Rarity: Mr. Normal.
Norman: (Walking to his desk) You’re speaking to him.
Rarity: I’ve been told that you are a man who can find lost things.
Norman: Well, it seems like you’ve heard right Miss…
Rarity: Rarity. Rarity Belle.
Norman: Well Miss Belle.  I’ve been known to find lost things in my time.
Rarity: I’ll be short...My sister Sweetie and her friends went out trick or treating earlier. When they returned for a Halloween party tonight, they set their stash of candy down for only a few moments, only to return to find it gone. I took the liberty to sneak out of the party.  The guests are still there. One of them is surely the culprit.
Norman: You seem very sure of yourself Miss Belle. Why not just try to solve the crime yourself?
Rarity: And not be a proper hostess at my own party. Why Mr. Normal, what kind of girl do you take me for.
Norman: (V/O) I wanted to answer but if their was one thing I had learned from broads in the past, they could have a mean slap when you spoke your mind. (Laughter)
(Norman sits down at his desk)
Norman: (Changing the subject) Can I get you a drink Miss Belle?
Rarity: Whiskey, neat.
Norman: (V/O) I love this girl. (Laughter)
(Norman produces a decanter of whiskey and two glasses from his desk and pours out the drinks. Rarity sits down across the desk from him)
Norman: So you want me to come over to the party and try to figure out who pilfered your sister’s candy?
(Rarity downs the whiskey rather quickly)
Rarity: That’s correct, Mr. Normal.
Norman: Well Miss Belle, I’d love to help you but I don’t do children’s parties. I’m not the Great and Powerful Trixie.
(Cut to Trixie’s apartment, she sits watching TV with a package of peanut butter crackers on the table in front of her. She sneezes and sniffles) (Laughter) (Back to Norman and Rarity)
Rarity: Mr. Normal, I assure you this is about more than just a party. This is about returning what was wrongfully stolen from my dear baby sister. (She begins to tear up)
Norman: (V/O) I couldn’t bear to see those blue eyes well with tears.  It just wasn’t right. Maybe I was a softy, maybe it was because I had been wronged before, or perhaps it was because all I had in my kitchen to cook was toast. (Laughter) I had to help her. (Aloud) Well, I guess I can take a look.
Rarity: (Not crying anymore) I would be ever so thankful Mr. Normal.
Norman: I must warn you, however...I don’t work for cheap.
(Rarity gets up and walks around the desk behind Norman, wrapping her arms around his neck from behind)
Rarity: I’m sure you don’t Mr. Normal.  But I’m sure we can negotiate a deal that is…(She leans in close to his ear, whispering) Satisfying for both of us.
Norman: (V/O) I’d had plenty of women try this on me before. Needless to say, I knew how to react. (Aloud, stumbling) Rarararararara….(Laughter) (V/O) After I had crossed my legs and forced myself to think about Madeleine Albright naked on a cold day, I was was ready to reply. (Aloud) I’ll take the case!
Rarity: Thank you so much, Mr. Normal! Consider this a down payment. (She kisses him on the cheek)
Norman: Rarararararara (Laughter) (V/O over the scene) And with that, I found myself on the trail of the missing candy. (Aloud) Rarararara…(Laughter to end scene)
 
(Act II opens inside Rarity’s apartment where the party is taking place. We see Brad dressed as a roman-esque soldier, Twilight dressed in a similar costume, Applejack as a Lion, Pinkie Pie with puffy hair and roller skates, Fluttershy dressed as a bat, Dash as an astronaut, and Sunset as a fried egg. Norman enters)
Norman: (V/O) By the time I arrived at Rarity’s, the party was already in full swing.  The one bright side of this whole affair was that the party was small, only eight attendees when the crime took place.  Nabbing the culprit shouldn’t have been too hard. (Norman walks through waving at everyone) I decided to get right down to business and interview the victims. Surely they could provide some insight into the night’s events.
(Norman enters the kitchen and we see the Crusaders, dressed like knights sitting at the table. Their helmets are on the table in front of them, they seem depressed.)
Norman: Hey kids.
Crusaders: (Dejected) Hey Norman.
Norman:Your sister told me about the lost candy, Mini-Aryan. I’m here to see if I can help find it for you.
Sweetie: (smiling) Thanks for the help, Norman.
Norman: You’re welcome. Now, tell me what happened?
Sweetie: Well, the three of us went out.  
Applebloom: We got all the candy we could.
Scootaloo: Then we emptied our three bags into one large bag.  
Norman: One large bag?
Sweetie: Yeah, we decided to pool all of our candy together.
Scootaloo: Then we could divide it equally amongst us.
Norman: Equally? Are you sure you girls haven’t been spending too much time with that Glimmer Gal from the other town over? (Laughter)
Applebloom: No, it’s just the crusader way.
Norman: So, you pooled the candy together and then…
Scootaloo: Then we went to Sweetie’s room for a little bit and when we came back to the dining room, the bag of candy was gone.
Norman: So you left it in the dining room?
Applebloom: Yep.
Norman: And no one has left the party since it happened?
Sweetie: Nope...except for sis. She left to find you saying you could help.
Norman: Well, that’s what I’m here for.  If all goes well, I’ll have your candy back to you by the end of the night.
Crusaders: (Slightly happier) Thanks Norman!
(Norman heads back to the living room and party)
Norman: (V/O) So the thief was still at the party.  More importantly, the Crusaders weren’t out of the room for too long. That means the thief had to work fast. They had to be ready to pounce on it like a white tiger on an effeminate German magician. (laughter) It’s okay, I hear he’s been upgraded from “critical” to “Fabulous”. (Laughter) (Norman walks toward Applejack) Speaking of big cats. (Aloud) Hey Applehat!
AJ: Well Howdy Norman! Golly, you have that gumshoe look down pat.  
Norman: Thanks.  Nice Lion outfit.
AJ: (Blushing) It ain’t nothin….
Norman: (V/O) Flattery is always the easiest way to begin an interrogation. I had this lion right where I wanted her, just like a Minnesota Dentist on safari in Africa. (Laughter) (Aloud) Shame about your sister’s candy.
AJ: Damn straight it is. If I ever catch the varmint who took it, it’ll be the last candy they’ll ever eat.
Norman: Ah, so it wasn’t you then.
AJ: (Surprised) What! Sug, why would you ever suggest that? Why would I?
Norman: Who knows, I hear the girls got quite a haul.
AJ: Norman, I would never steal from my own sister.
Norman: (V/O) Now I wanted to believe her considering she was the element of honesty but part of me felt like she was lion. (Laughter)
AJ: I promise you, Norman, it wasn’t me! I’ll do anything to help your investigation.  
Norman: Thanks Applehat. (V/O) I was still suspicious but I seemed to have hit a dead-end with the lion. (Norman moves on and sees Rainbow Dash) Considering the crime had to be committed fast, perhaps Canterlot’s resident speedster could be the culprit. (Aloud) Hey Dash!
Dash: (Muffled from inside her space helmet) Hey Norman!
Norman: So...I don’t suppose you know where the Crusader’s candy went?
Dash: Can’t say that I do...it’s a shame considering they had a ton and it looked delicious (realizing what she said) not that I wanted any of it.
Norman: Oh really...I don’t suppose you stole a little just to get a taste?
Dash: Well...no...I mean, I may have wanted to but…(she mumbles)
Norman: What was that?
Dash: my helmets kind of stuck.
Norman: What?
Dash: My helmet’s stuck. I haven’t eaten anything tonight
Norman: (V/O) I was suspicious...I was more suspicious than Twilight when she found out Brad’s recent trip to Vanhoover corresponded perfectly with the International Cheerleading Championships. (Laughter) I had to test it.
(Norman grabs onto Dash’s helmet. No matter what he tries it won’t loosen up. He stops)
Norman: Welp...good luck with that Dash.
Dash: Wait! (he’s gone) Don’t leave me….(She grabs a chip and slams it into the helmet breaking against it.) (Laughter)
Norman:(V/O) My next lead was Fluttershy. She was dressed as a bat. Seriously, what was it with this girl and Vampire imagery lately? (Laughter)
Fluttershy: No, I’m afraid I don’t care much for Candy. I don’t even give out candy at Halloween.
Norman: What do you give out then?
Fluttershy: Healthy food like carrots and celery sticks.
Norman: Well, that explains why the kids in the apartment complex egged your door last year. (Laughter)
Fluttershy: Oh...no...I’m sure they were just giving the eggs to me to incubate to raise the chicks. The kids probably just didn’t know their own strength when sending the eggs to my door. (Laughter)
Norman: (V/O) It might all be an act but I was pretty sure Flutters wasn’t the culprit.
(Scene change to Norman seated across from Sunset.)
Norman: (V/O) My next possible suspect was one Sunset Shimmer. (Aloud) Nice costume...bacon and eggs.
Sunset: But I’m just eggs.
Norman: (Looking at Sunset’s hair) Ah...right of course. (Laughter)
Sunset: So what did you want to talk about? If it’s about converting the Flim Flam brothers to the word of friendship, it’s going to be a few more weeks before I have a plan together. (Laughter)
Norman: I want to know if you know the whereabouts of the Crusader’s candy.
Sunset: Are you suggesting that I stole candy from children?
Norman: Face it, Shimmy. You once attempted to convert the entire school into an army of zombies.  While this might be a step down for you, it might also be a way to get back into a life of crime.  
Sunset: Oh Norman, you know I’m reformed.  I’m not a bad girl anymore. (her eyes go half lidded) Unless you want me to be a bad girl.
Norman: (V/O)I knew exactly what she was getting at.  The fact that she was so into this friendship kick made me sure that she was most likely not the one who took the candy.  She had too much to lose taking candy from her friend’s sisters. (Getting up, aloud) Whatever. Stay Sunnyside up Shimmer. (Laughter)
(Cut to Norman with Twilight)
Norman: (V/O) On to Twilight Sparkle. The self-proclaimed Princess of Friendship. Mom and Dad always wanted me to marry her for the whole “Royal Grandkids” thing. (Laughter)  Too bad for my folks that I was already committed to the Aryan Beauty.  Still, could a girl who was basically Shimmer’s Pope of Friendship be the one who stole the candy? (Aloud) Hello Princess.
Twilight: That’s General to you, Norman.
Norman: (Saluting her) Sorry General.  Cute matching outfits you and Brad have tonight.
Twilight: Aren’t they! They’re based of the General and Adjunct from the Great Equestrian-Griffon War of….
Norman: (V/O) If I hadn’t been turned into a pony by her back in High School, I would never believe any of these stories.  It’s sad that I can just accept them now. (Aloud, getting her attention) We have a friendship emergency you know.
Twilight: Friendship emergency!? What happened?
Norman: Someone took the Crusader’s candy.
Twilight: That’s the first I’ve heard of this.
Norman: You haven’t noticed anything suspicious?
Twilight: No.
Norman: Where were you one hour ago.
Twilight: Dancing in the living room. (She starts moving to the music...badly) (Laughter)
Norman: You’re a horrible liar.
Twilight: I certainly am not. I didn’t take any candy.
Norman: I meant that you call that dancing. (Laughter)
Twilight: You’re just jealous of my moves.
Norman: Right. So you have no idea where the candy is?
Twilight: Can’t say I do...but I’m sure there is someone here who does.
Norman: Oh really?
Twilight: Just look towards people who have a sweet tooth.
Norman: What’s that supposed to mean?
(Twi doesn’t hear him as she starts dancing again)
Norman: God Damn It Purple! (Laughter to end the scene)
(Act Three opens with Norman sitting on the couch with the party going on around him. He is drinking whiskey and watching his surroundings)
Norman: (V/O) Things were moving slow...too slow. Things were moving slower than Patricia leaving a Girl Scout meeting. (Laughter) I give her credit though...I hear she’s down to only two packs a day. (Laughter) Just then, a thought hit me. (Flashbacks to Halloween a few years ago when Brad ate a ton of candy leading to his “Cupcakes” dream involving Pinkie.) Brad was known for eating far too much candy for his own good.  He often suffered from night terrors from all the candy he could eat.  Plus Brad was a total opportunist. After all, the taking of the candy had to be a finely timed, while coordinated, astute unified criminal move! So naturally…(Hanging his head) Brad couldn’t possibly have been involved. (Laughter)
(Cut to Brad dancing with Twilight, he sneezes)
Twi: Are you catching a cold?
Brad: No...I just feel really slighted. (Laughter)
(Back to Norman)
Norman: (V/O) All of the information I had gathered was useless.  The whole case was looking more useless than buying a wedding gift for Miss Harshwhinny. (Laughter)
(We can see Norman thinking back though all of the girls he has talked too...all except one, that is. Flashback to last year when Pinkie ate all the candy bars leading to the Zombie Apocalypse that forced Norman on his odyssey.)
Norman: (Aloud, a eureka moment) PINKIE!
Pinkie: (Out of nowhere on the couch next to him) What is it Normie?
Norman: (Falling off couch in surprise) Gah! (Laughter) The hell did you come from?
Pinkie: Teleportation.
Norman: What?
Pinkie: Silly Normie, I’ve been here for a while, you’ve just been lost in thought.
Norman: Ah yes, reckon that is true.
Pinkie: Yeah, plus teleportation is not part of being able to break the fourth wall. (Laughter)
Norman: Ah...right.
Pinkie: So why are you yelling out my name?
Norman: I need to talk to you.
Pinkie: Okay.
Norman: We need to go somewhere more quiet though, come to the kitchen with me.
Pinkie: (Blushing and giggling) Oh my, so forward Normie. (Laughter)
Norman: No time for that, come on.
Pinkie: (Smiling) Ah, you’re no fun.
(Cut to the kitchen. It is dark, Norman sits at one end of the table, Pinkie at the other.  There is a desk lamp shining in her face)
Pinkie: Well, this is dramatic. (Laughter)
Norman: (Leaning toward her) So what do you know about the theft of the Crusader’s candy?
Pinkie: (smiling) Even if I knew anything about it, you think I’d tell you.
Norman: So you know something about it?
Pinkie: I never said that.
(Reaching out and taking Pinkie’s hands. She blushes heavily)
Pinkie: N...n...normie?!
Norman: Your hands are sticky...you’ve been eating candy, haven’t you.
Pinkie: (Nervously) So..so what if I have. It’s Halloween! Candy is in high supply.  
Norman: But Rarity doesn’t have any candy here at this party itself.
Pinkie: Ah well...um….
Norman: (Reaching in his pocket with right hand, still holding hers with his left) I have ways of making you talk.
Pinkie: You can try, I’ll never talk.
Norman: So you say. (He holds up the hammer he has pulled from his pocket)
Pinkie: You wouldn’t dare.
Norman: So are you going to talk?
Pinkie: Heh...make me.
(Norman looks at her...then brings the hammer down on the table with a bang. There is a cracking noise as Pinkie screams)
Norman: I’d hate to do that again...now, where’s the candy?
Pinkie: (Through gritted teeth) That’s nothing.
(A bang from the hammer, more cracking, more screaming from Pinkie)
Pinkie: You’re a monster!
(The hammer falls again)
Norman: This would be easier if you tell me where the candy is.
Pinkie: Never!
(Bang, crack, scream)
Norman: Now...shall I work on the next set?
Pinkie: No!  No please...make it stop...Make it stop!!!
Norman: So, you’ll talk?
Pinkie: Yes...Yes (weeping) Just please...please make the pain stop.
Norman: (Setting down the hammer) Now...who took the candy?
Pinkie: (Still crying) It was Rarity! Rarity took it!
Norman: Miss Belle?!  No!  That can’t be!
Pinkie: It’s true...She made me swear never to tell but I just couldn’t take anymore!
(Norman tosses a Kit Kat Bar at Pinkie)
Norman: You did good, Pinks.
(He gets up and leaves. The camera zooms out revealing that he had been using the hammer to break gumballs, jawbreakers, kit kats and various other candies in front of Pinkie. She puts her head near the broken candy)
Pinkie: Shhh...it’s okay, he can’t hurt you anymore. (She grabs the broken kit kat and eats it) Mmmm...crunchy! (Laughter)
(We see Norman walking to Rarity’s room)
Norman: (V/O) Rarity! I should have known! The woman who hired me! The woman who claimed she wanted to be a good host but never returned to her own party! Of course it was her!
(Norman pushes open her door)
Norman: Rarity!
(The room is empty but Norman sees the bag with all of the candy in it. He grabs it)
Norman: (V/O) Miss Belle was nowhere to be found...but I found the candy and made sure to return it to the crusaders.
(Norman swings by the guest room and knocks, Sweetie answers and Norman hands her the candy)
Norman: Here you go. (he goes to leave)
Sweetie: Wait!
Norman: (stopping) Eh?
Sweetie: Help us divide it into 4 shares.
Norman: Four?
Applebloom: Yeah...you helped us so you get a share.
(We see Norman sitting on the floor of the room with the Crusaders parsing out the candy)
Norman: (V/O during the scene) The Crusaders talked me into taking a share of the candy. I guess that was the only pay I was going to be getting tonight.  I didn’t mind though. Their Halloween wasn’t ruined. They’re good kids. (We see Norman walking down the hall to his apartment and putting the keys in the lock) I never found Miss Belle for the rest of the night. She seemed to have slipped away...like a ghost. (We see the door from the interior as it opens showing Norman. He gets a surprised look on his face, shift to Norman’s POV where we see Rarity laying on his couch. She smiles and waves to him) (Still V/O) That’s when I found her. I know I should have been angry but seeing her there made me instantly forgive her. Her skin was like porcelain. Her hair like the night sky. Her stocking covered legs seemed to go on fore…
Rarity: (Interrupting) Darling, are you going to stand there and keep monologuing or are you going to come in here and keep me company.
(The scene turns to outside the apartment where we see Norman enter and close the door behind him. There is a final crescendo from the film noir music as the narrator takes us out)
Narrator: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep it’s secrets. But on the sixth floor of the Harshwhinny building, one man still tries to find the answers to life’s persistent questions. Norman Noirman: Private Eye. (Applause to end scene)
(After credits scene: Back in color. A shirtless Norman wakes up in bed. There is someone else under the covers next to him. He stretches)
Norman: Last night was amazing.
(The body next to him stirs revealing…)
Brad: It was totally Bradical! (Laughter)
(Cut to morning, Norman wakes from the dream with a cringe but nothing more)
Norman: It’s bad when that nightmare doesn’t even faze me anymore. (Laughter)