_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 
>Twilight
"???"
'???'
~~~~
 
The long, long hallway seemed to grow ever longer still as the mare trotted down it at a snails pace, the weight of what felt like a hundred thousand forms upon her back pressing down as she traversed what may have been a hundred miles.
 
>Freaking paperwork. You see this? This is why I let Applejack handle this stuff... was happier when I was crazy. I miss being crazy. I miss-
 
"LOOK OUT!"
 
She felt a magical grip grab hold of her and toss her into the air, just in time to miss a whoosh of something passing by beneath her. She fell back to earth, but did not land upon hard flooring like expected. Rather, she felt a little 'puft' of soft bedding beneath her rump as she landed. Her world was given no time to slow down before she felt the rush of air mix with the flickering of the walls passing her by.
 
'...Twilight. How are you?'
 
She looked up with no lack of irritation to her mentor, noting casually that despite her trip, her paperwork had remained on her back. Magic, useful for so many things it seemed.
 
>Are you and her seriously racing?
 
"No, she's LOSING! HAH!"
 
>Do you really think this is the time?
 
Her tone was surprisingly causal, considering they were banking hard at near hairpin turns every so often, never slowing down an inch.
 
"All of my guys are accounted for!"
 
>Not what I meant.
 
"Not my problem you can't..."
 
Flipflipfli-whoosh!
 
SMACL!
 
"SORRY!"
 
>WHY WOULD YOU EVEN BRING THAT!?
 
"Celestia, what's a good word for explaining stuff!"
 
'Illustrate.'
 
"Thanks! Not my fault you cannot Illustrate your point, Twi-light."
 
>...THAT'S JUST MY NAME!
 
"I ran out of things to tack onto the end of Twi..."
 
>And you, stop encouraging her!
 
'Come now, Twilight, as your mentor I must relate to you that it is important to relax sometimes. Considering what we've been through, a bit of a race is quite acceptable, assuming we do not hurt anyone in the interim.'
 
"That's why I tossed you!"
 
>I... ugh. What is she avoiding now?
 
"I'M NOT AVOIDING ANYTHING!"
 
'Not a clue, I'm afraid. Anything you can think of?'
 
>Did she talk to Shiny?
 
'Did that.'
 
>Saw her hive was alright?
 
'Better than alright, even.'
 
>Saw that 7's alive?
 
'Heard from the grapevine she did, was irate but he is otherwise fine.'
 
>Made sure 42's okay?
 
'Gave me a very detailed description.'
 
>I was there when she saw 88 and 77... hrm...
 
"I TOLD YOU! I'M NOT-"
 
>Aw, crap.
 
'Crap?'
 
>Crap.
 
'Why crap?'
 
>Has she talked to 41 yet?
 
'No, why would she... oh. What did that one do?'
 
>Chrysalis!
 
"I'LL DEAL WITH THAT ONE LATER!"
 
>You can't keep avoiding it, Chrysalis!
 
"What part of 'I'm not avoiding anything' do you not understand!?"
 
>Look, just... just don't do the fire abduction thing you did with Jugglejack, okay? I get that this is your minion, she disobeyed your orders flagrantly and jeopardized your whole plan and all, and this is PROBABLY going to go very, very badly for her, but can you at least try not to look like a supervillain when you do it? That's all I ask! Don't look like some dark lord about to cut off her head or something. That's all, and you can handle it yourself, it's your hive.
 
"...Fine!"
 
'This going to end badly?'
 
>We might have our first changeling casualty.
 
'...Oh dear.'
 
>Yeah.
 
"HEY! YOU NAGGING DUMBASSES!"
 
'Rude.'
 
"Oh, fine, then I won't mention you should pay attention to where you're going!"
 
>What? What do you...
 
'...Shoot.'
 
>I blame yo-
 
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 
>Guard
"DT"
~~~~
A guard sits on a stool in front of Diamond Tiara's wooden advice stand.
>I don't know what I should do. It's clear that this job is getting more hazardous than I thought it'd be, but my cutie mark is a freaking spear. I don't know what kind of life I can have other than being a guard. I'm a spear of the princesses, but I don't know if I can take any more of these attacks.
 
"If your cutie mark's a spear don't you think the answer is obvious? Stay in the army you dumbass!"
 
>But all my friends are leaving.
 
"If your friends all jumped off the Canterlot waterfall, would you!?! Don't you have any loyalty to the crown!?!"
 
>Of course I do, but-
 
"But nothing! As a spear of the princesses, do you really want to leave the people unprotected when the next attack happens?"
 
>No...no I don't.
 
"Well?"
 
>If only I had the courage.
 
"I have just the thing to prescribe to you then."
She writes a little slip.
"Give this to the pharmacist next to me. She'll handle your needs."
Silver Spoon waves enthusiastically.
 
>But she's right-
 
"Don't question me! Just do it!"
He hands SS the slip and she hands him a bottle.
"It's liquid courage. You'll be feeling better once you take this daily."
 
>...it tastes like Burgundy Bull.
 
"Do you want me to take it back?"
 
>Uh no.
 
"Good. Get back to your post. NEXT!"
 
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 
NC!
~~~~
 
LATER!
 
>HEEeeyyyyy, YOU! Yesh, you! Whash you doin' out here in dish plash? Don'cha know ish pash... ish pash... ish sleepy time! Shorry, buh ah' gotta tell ya' ta' go home, ish' da' job..
 
[...One, how did you manage to get to the Crystal Empire? Two, how did you get inside my hospital room, three-]
 
>BLARGH!
 
[...no, you know what? I'm continuing on. Four, why are you-]
 
*THUMP!*
 
>ZZZzzzz...
 
[...Well, screw you too.]
 
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 
 >42
"18"
~~~
 
>NNNGGGGHHH!
 
"Mind telling me what you're doing?"
 
>IT ITCHEEEESSSS!
 
"Yes, regrowing skin will do that to you."
 
>IT HURTS SO MUCH!
 
"Why are you missing skin, by the way? You keep dodging the question, but it needs answered."
 
>FINE! I... blew up a hoverbike in my face...
 
"...Intentionally?"
 
>Yes...
 
"...Don't do that."
 
>Well, it wasn't exactly planned.
 
"No, seriously, Forty Two?... Don't do that."
 
>...You just got a really strange look on your face.
 
"...Don't do that."
 
>It was necessary to-
 
"Don't."
 
>...
 
"..."
 
>...I'm sorry, I would like to focus on this, but IT ITCHES SO MUCH!
 
"I'll get you some ointment."
 
>THANK YOU!... NGGGHHHHH!
 
"...But seriously, don't-"
 
>GOT IT!
 
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 
NCOMAKE!
>Pommel
"Daw"
*Conductor*
~~~
 
>...
 
"What?"
 
>Does it feel like this is taking longer than it should?
 
"We've only been here for an hour or so."
 
>Something feels... off...
 
*ATTENTION PASSENGERS! We uh... we're in Apploosa for some reason. We're currently trying to figure out how we ended up several thousand miles off course, but in the meanwhile... sit tight?*
 
>...
"..."
>...
"..."
>...
"..."
>...How.
 
{FUCK YOU! I ONLY WANTED TO GO FROM ONE END OF CANTERLOT TO THE OTHER! WHY IS YOUR FUCKING TRAIN MAP SO FUCKING CONFUSING!?}
 
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 
NComake
>7
"Jetset"
~~
 
>So, wait, seducing isn't part of your agent job?
 
"...What? No."
 
>Huh. Weird.
 
"Why is that weird?"
 
>Because we're supposed to be the inside men.
 
"..."
 
>...
 
"..."
 
>...You found that funny, don't-GLK!
 
"No."
 
>C-come on, we're great undercovers agents-HRK!
 
"Noooo."
 
>Just saying, I'm a total cock and dagger man-GLLLLKK!
 
"NOOOOOOOOOO!"
 
>...
 
"..."
 
>...You're a virgin, aren't-ACK!
 
"BURRRRRNNNN!"
 
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 
Omake
>29
"32"
~~~
 
>...Really?
 
"Are you that surprised? What, was she just going to let me out with ZERO development on this front? Why? Let's face it, the last interaction I had with her before the hospital scene was calling her a whore through bars and saying I would still kill her. Oh yeah, totally open for parole there."
 
>I mean, I guess it makes sense from a script perspective, but still.
 
"Meh."
 
>I'm starting to think you really want this prison porno to get off the ground.
 
"We still doing that?"
 
>Nah. "Triple species treats" took off, I don't need this anymore. We cornered the market on changeling/pony/zebra porno.
 
"...You're joking, right?"
 
>...
 
"...You cruel bastard."
 
>You're the one who was dumb enough to think I would give up on royalty!
 
"Right... I'M the dumb one.."
 
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 
OMAKE!
>Librarian
"Chitania"
~~
 
>You alright over there?
 
"WHY IS SO MUCH OF THIS JUST PORN!? IT'S EVERYWHERE! IT'S EVERYWHEEEERE!"
 
>...What? We don't have porn in here.
 
"OH YEAH!? THEN WHAT'S THIS!?"
 
>...You think cellular mitosis is porn? You have some weird tastes.
 
"WHAT!? What are you... Wait a minute! That's not what the picture was!"
 
>Riiiiiight.
 
"NO! REALLY! IT WAS PONIES FUCKING!"
 
>Please stop, I understand, everyone has a kink.
 
"YOU SHUT UP! WHO IS DOING THIS!?"
 
Up above, the stars twinkled.
 
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 
OMAKE!
>7
"??"
~~~~
 
>Yep. Just gonna relax in my bed, enjoy my time off... do nothing at all... heh, poor Jetset's probably stewing in his anger, doing nothing at all just the same... yep. This is awesome...
 
*Bum, bum bum bump, bum bumbaduuuumm!*
 
>...What is that sound?
 
"Rising up, straight to the top! Had the guts, got the glory!"
 
>...Uh...
 
Jetset appears in his window, points to him, and mouths 'you'. In the background, the music gets louder.
 
"IT'S THE, EYE OF THE TIGER IT'S THE THRILL OF THE FIGHT!'
 
Jetset teleports away.
 
>...Fuck.
 
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 
NCOMAKE!
>18
"SA"
'???'
~~~
 
>So, Shiny... I hear there's a certain way to get screentime around here?
 
"Oh, shoot, sorry, we stopped doing that a while ago."
 
*SLAM!*
 
'WHAT!?'
 
*STOMPSTOMPSTOMP!*
 
'YOU MEAN I'VE BEEN BOUNCING MY BUBBLE BOOTY OFF FOR NOTHING!?'
 
"Well, not NOTHING Pinkie, I mean, I enjoyed it-"
 
*POW!*
 
*STOMPSTOMPSTOMP!*
 
>...
 
"...Wow, glad this is all non-canon, I am OOC as fuck right here."
 
>Right? There's, like, nothing here that's even remotely you.
 
"Weird."
 
>...So, since this is non-canon, you wanna-
 
~~~~~~
 
>...
"..."
>...
"..."
>...
"...So, how much longer till you think we're doing this in REAL canon?"
>That in particular? Hopefully not for a long time, I can't feel my throat...
"Warned you, O O C."
 
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 
OMAKE!
>77
"88"
~~~
 
>And then I met the love of my life, Cheerilee, and it wasn't long before I was-OHHOWOW! Oh wow! I almost went into... yeah, should probably skip that part-
 
"NO!"
 
>..
 
"I HAVE HAD NO SEXINESS BUT PLANT RELATED STUFF, GET TO IT!"
 
>I don't feel comfortable-
 
*SMACK!*
 
"DETAILS, LING! I WANT DETAILS!"
 
>...Well, for starters, she's a biter.
 
"YES!"
 
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 
Non-Canon Pinkie Preview
 
>Pinkie
~~~~~
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-6ZaCY0sToo
 
>Spike and 007 patch up, memories are repressed, and Applebloom asks AJ some uncomfortable questions!
 
>Spitfire joins Spike in a bar. Rarity attempts to execute some of AJ orders that she left behind for reconstruction. Pennydrop brainstorms, in her underground base, under a mansion, next to Baboon City to figure out how to profit from recent events. Find out what happens in thread 56: She has Big Butts and I Can Not Lie...and of course, a years worth of fan service!
 
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________