_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 
>Spike
"Twi"
'DT'
[77]
(42)
-32-
~~~
-So what is it you all do exactly in this Gun Club?-
 
"I have to admit, this is one time I sort of looked before I leaped in membership. I mostly understand you guys get into fights-"
 
'Hey hey hey! First rule! Don't talk about it!'
 
"About wha-?"
 
(IT!)
 
-You mean about fig-?-
 
(SHHHHHHHHH!)
 
-All... right then?-
 
>Well, most of what we do is discuss about anything weapons or combat related. Practice with different weapons, sometimes full on swapping them around, push for a pro-gun and weapon agenda, share stories, that kind of thing.
 
"Wait, what was the one before last?"
 
>Swap our weapons?
 
"Okay, didn't hear you the last time."
 
[Sometimes we do more relaxing activities, such as fight eachother, go on camping trips in groups-]
 
'Blegh!'
 
[not all of us go though...]
 
"Well, is the floor open for discussion?"
 
>Sure, what'cha got in mind, Twilight?
 
Twilight reaches under the table and produces an enormous array of weapons
 
"Shiny wants me to help arm up a group he's forming, Dash also says she needs new arms for The Wonderbolts. Anyone wanna help me test these things?"
 
Everyone stares with a happy look on their face and slowly nod. In PJ's case, it causes her potato to fall from her mouth.
 
"Great! I think we need something more than the simulator for this!"
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 
>Dadling
"Bat-mom"
~~~~
 
>Oh my gosh, this stuff is delicious! OW!
 
"No! Bad Changeling! The formula is for the BABY!"
 
>...Formula? Why... why would you need that? I mean, sure, we eat stuff, but we can survive ENTIRELY on love. All we have to do is hug buggy jr, and they're good.
 
"We don't know that! We don't know ANYTHING about how you guys function as babies!"
 
>Except that we obviously don't nurse. Seriously, could you imagine one of the others in the ballroom getting milk from Chrysalis's mom?
 
"...Ew."
 
>You don't even know what she looks like.
 
"I stand by my previous statement-STOP DRINKING IT!"
 
>NEVER!
 
"...Can I try some?"
 
>..
 
"...Wow, that IS good!"
 
>Right? We need to stock up on this.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 
"Twi"
'DT'
[77]
(42)
-32-
~~~
'...'
 
[Poppet, something on your mind?]
 
'Shhh... Watch.'
 
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
 
[... I don't think you needed to sush anyone to hear that-]
 
'Watch closely!'
 
Clk clk clk clk clk clk! Clack! Spiiinnn!
 
"What's up guys?"
 
[Poppet here is observing Spike carefully over... something.]
 
(What something is that?)
 
'Just shut up and watch!'
 
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
 
-Is there some kind of cease fire?-
 
'"SHHHHHH!'"
 
Clk clk clk clk clk clk! Clack! Spiiinnn!
 
"..."
 
'He did it again!'
 
(Holy!)
 
[...]
 
-What am I looking at?-
 
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
 
"Charity is based on the Smith & Wesson 500 revolver from the human world..."
 
-What does that even mean?-
 
Clk clk clk clk clk clk! Clack! Spiiinnn!
 
-... Oh...-
 
WRITER NOTES
 
Some time ago it was established Charity (before the name was even given in rfact) was based on a S&W 500.
500's only hold five shots in their cylinders, and Spike is often depicted as firing and loading six shots. I don't mean to insults this, in fact I even like this odd quirk where Spike seems inexplicably able to load in an extra shot.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 
Somewhere a fanfic writing Changeling frowns
>Crap, I always assumed it was a generic six-shooter and not actually based on anything. Damn it, how am I going to explain this one?
He hastily scribbles the words "It's a magic gun"
>Bam.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 
>Cadence
"SA"
'???'
~~~
 
>OH NO! HOW IS SHE GOING TO GET OUT OF THIS ONE!?
 
"...Sweetie, I think you're getting a liiittle too invested in that comic book."
 
>Oh hush, it's like watching myself in action! Pap! Zownds! KABAM! It's so fun! And her and Luminous Shield are so close and loving! It really is a great book.
 
"Well, I guess I can't argue with that."
 
>Though... it is a little immature, I'll give you that.
 
"Eh, nothing really wrong with-"
 
>GAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSPPPPPP!
 
"...Could have just, I don't know, actually gasped. Didn't have to say the word gasp for that to come across."
 
>I can't believe it! They're launching a brand new book next month, aimed at MATURE readers like myself! This is the best! Now I can read my comics AND feel smart about it! YAY!
 
"...Mature is probably a strong word-"
 
>YAAAAAAAA-
 
~~~~one month later~~~~~~~
 
>-UUUUUUUUUCK YOOOOOOOOOU!
 
"...Honey?"
 
>FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUUUUUUUUUCK YOOOOOU!
 
"Am I about to get angry sex? Please tell me this is leading to angry sex."
 
>THEY RUINED IT! They ruined EVERYTHING good about the book! This is GARBAGE! Sheer, putrid GARBAAAAAGE!
 
"Oh, come on, it can't be that-"
 
~~~~~
 
"-LLLLY SHIIIIIIT, This is HORRIFYING!"
 
>Right?
 
"They broke them up on the SECOND PAGE!? Because she CHEATED ON HIM WITH THE ENTIRE EVIL TEAM!? WHY!? Why would she do that!? SHE HATES HALF OF THEM!... THAT ONE KILLED HER DAD, APPARENTLY!"
 
>And they brutally murdered the happy comic relief sidekick! Who the hell was asking to see Sweetbird TORTURED TO DEATH!?
 
"...Actually, this part says they took a poll-"
 
>IT'S STUPID!
 
"Seriously. And look at this, apparently Luminous Shield moves on fast, doesn't he! Is there any of the Power Ponies he HASN'T slept with yet?'
 
>...No, actually, there, isn't. He did all of them.
 
"...Oh fuck, that one looks like Twilight too."
 
>It really does.
 
"And-OH COME ON! Mane-Iac!? She just STRANGLED A TODDLER TO DEATH, and you have sex with her!? Graphically! On panel!... kind of interesting use of her hair, actually-"
 
>CALL THE GUN CLUB!
 
"Well, that might be a little-"
 
>SMACK!
 
"...Again, sound effect-GLK!"
 
>CALL. THE. GUN. CLUB. We're about to reboot those assholes TO THE STONE AGE! With fire! ALL THE FIRE! That's what we're going to do!
 
"Fine! Jeez. Oh, fuck, what about you-know-who?"
 
>You know... CRAP!
 
"...We can never, EVER let her see this!"
 
'See what, oh my greatest foe, LUMINOUS SHIELD-'
 
>NOTHING MANEY! NOTHING! YOU GO DOWN THE HALL!
 
'...But I need you to-'
 
"DOWN THE HALL, MANEY! DOWN! THE! HALL!"
 
'...And I'M the crazy one, they say..."
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 
>AJ12
"Various ponies"
~~~~
 
~At a border checkpoint.~
>Next! ...Papers please.
 
"Man the line was really long."
 
>What's the purpose of your Visit?
 
"Passing through"
 
>Duration?
 
"3 days"
 
AJ12 looks at the papers and stamps the passport
>...well your papers check out so go on.
Opens the gate and lets the pony through.
>Next! ....Papers please.
 
"Here you go."
 
>What's the purpose of your visit?
 
"I'm here for a concert. I hear the Backstreet Colts are back."
 
>Alright, duration?
 
"A week"
 
He looks though the papers and stamps the passport
>Cause no trouble...
Opens the gate and lets the pony through.
>*SIGHS* This new temp job is really dull, but at least it's something...NEXT! ...papers, please.
 
A mare gives him her papers and he looks through them
"I'm returning home."
 
>...ma'am...your passport is expired.
 
"Oh?"
 
>...it means I can't let you in.
 
"What?! That's outrageous! I want to go home! You can't just keep me out!"
 
>Look miss, you should have-
Suddenly a steam powered car rams through the gate, completely smashing it.
>WHAT THE HELL!? THAT GATE'S GOING OUT OF MY PAYCHECK!
 
"Woooohooo! Run my little ponies!"
The crowd rushes through the gate and scatter in all directions into Equestria.
 
>Oh crap, oh crap! Uh uh guards? Guards!
 
"YEEEAH! Ah'm Dizzy Gibbs Jr and no gate can hold me! YEEEHAAAW!!!"
He rides off
 
>...ooooh I'm so fired for this.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 
>SA
"Chrysalis"
'Celestia'
~~~
 
>Okay? This idea? This thing right here? This is... a fucking brilliant idea and you should feel happy.
 
"...Really?"
 
'I'm with him, this actually does look like it'll be fun.'
 
>I mean, I'm not going to lie, this ramp looks amazing. How you got this to cling to the mountain so well, I will never know. So many loops and turns... one problem, though, are you sure I won't over-shoot that lake it lands in?
 
"Well, no. In fact, we'll ALL overshoot it, and do to the high winds needed for the mini hurricane launcher at the end, we won't even be able to fly. Me and Celly will SURVIVE, but it'll kind of kill the mood. And you."
 
>...Oh my, I now what it feels like to have blue-balls of the SOUL.
 
'Dick move. I was THIS close to jumping.'
 
>You are not allowed in the bed for a month.
 
"WAIT WAIT! Believe it or not, I figured out a way to make this work! With math!"
 
>...
'...'
 
"...TWILIGHT figured out a way to make this work, with math!"
 
>Much better.
 
"All we have to do is add a few more... pounds to the ride."
 
'What, like, hugging a bag or something?'
 
"Naaah, bags are too big and unwieldy. No, we need something that'll... hug back."
 
>Ahhhh. So, in order to go down this massive, beautiful ride, you two need to hug?
 
"No, me and Celly will be too heavy, we'll undershoot it. Unlike, say..."
 
>...Oh! Oh ho hoooo! I read you loud and clear.
 
"Yes, but you'll have to be very... tight... and intimate, if you catch my drift."
 
>I think I do, and you know what I have to say to that?
 
"Yeeeeesss?"
 
>THREETWOONEHUGMECELLY!
 
'SPRING!'
 
"WHAT!? NO! NO DON'T! DON'T... AWWW! I spent WEEKS on this, and I don't even get to go down it first!? I designed this SPECIFICALLY to make you grind in all the best places! This took so much work!...DAAAAMN!... well, at least she'll probably burn-"
 
>MAGIC SHIELD GO!
 
"DAAAAAMN!.... I'M NEEEEEXT!"
 
'MAYBE, MAYBE NOT! WHEEEEEEE!'
 
>THIS IS AMAZING! WHEEEEEEE!
 
"...Does this count as Neotare? I feel like it should."
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 
>42
"Spike"
~~~~
 
*CRACK!*
 
>...Whoops.
 
"RIBS! OW!"
 
>Sorry.
 
"H-heh, don't apologize. It's a fight remember? Gotta be prepared for the real thing!"
 
>Oh, if you say so.
 
*CRACK!*
 
"NNNN-... However, I do feel like this is a good time for a break."
 
>I agree. Sit, you could... I said sit. Not whomp onto the ground.
 
"Mnneh. Floors comfy. Damn, did you used to be this rough with Shining Armor back in the day?"
 
>...Ah... no. No, I was... actually pretty hard on him. Honestly... honestly tried to kill him once or twice, only stopped because my Queen hadn't ordered it.
 
"...What?"
 
>Well, I mean, he kept fighting me, and I just hated him so much for shaming us. We were tossed out like garbage at the wedding, and he just hated us so much...
 
"Can't really blame the guy."
 
>I see that now. I see how right he was to think of us as monsters. Heh, that's kind of the worst part, isn't it? I didn't change and give him a chance... he changed and gave me one. I was just the Changeling beating his brains in to make myself feel strong, infiltrating the Empire for a future invasion, and there he was... bringing me waffles...
 
Playfully, she poked the dragon in his side.
 
>I think I went easy on you, in comparison. I think... I think with him, I was just trying to feel powerful and in control while my species was weak and helpless, with you... I needed to make you feel powerful instead.
 
"...Really?"
 
>Well, yes. I knew how much you prided yourself with that gun, that it made you feel all adult, now that ponies would actually listen to you. You needed to see that you could be strong all on your own. Fighting me... that was a good way to do that.
 
"Awwww, I never knew you had such a mushy center, 42! C'mere!
 
The dragons arms clenched tight around her neck. He expected her to flake out again, act all embarrassed. He did not expect her to laugh in an almost matronly way and rub his head.
 
>Heh. You're a cool little guy, you know that? I wish it hadn't taken me so long to be friends with you guys.
 
"Daww, big sissy 42, that's what I'm going to call you now. Can't stop me, happening."
 
>You do realize the concept of "Big sisters" means nothing to me, right? Every one who doesn't have a dangly part between their legs in the Ballroom is my 'sister', save my Queen, obviously.
 
"Eh, all you need to know is I think you're awesome."
 
>Well, I'm not going to argue with that.
 
"By the way... think you're wrong about you and Shiny."
 
>Hm?
 
"Look, not going to lie, he was straight up lazy when you landed on the scene. And the worst part was, it wasn't entirely his fault. He wasn't a bad captain of the guard... in comparison. But every one before him just threw up this big idea that "someone with superpowers will handle it" and didn't bother with the training or preparing. He was an above average peacetime captain, but a shitty one when stuff actually went down. I think you showed him that."
 
>You... you do?
 
"Yep. Because for once in his life, he couldn't just use his magic shield and make everything better. Fighting you one on one, no magic, meant he had to rely on his own skills, and you know what? He came up short, real short. So... you coming along was the best thing that could have happened to him, physically at least. Certainly mentally for battle strategies. You may have beaten him until he tasted blue, but I don't think he'd trade that time for anything else in the world. And you know what? Me neither."
 
>...D-damn it, you're just trying to make me cry. I'm not going to, you know, I can hide it.
 
"S'okay, I'll know."
 
>...I guess so... little brother.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 
>Cadence
"Chrysalis"
'SA'
~~~~
 
>NO!
 
"Pleeeease?"
 
>NO!
 
"PLEEEEEEASE!"
 
>NONONO! You cannot sleep with Shiny! He'd never cheat on me!
 
"I'm not asking you to let him cheat on you, I'm just suggesting you have a bit of an open marriage is all! Look, you and him don't really play 'adult leap frog' all that often, I'm just offering to tag in when you're not feeling it and sub for you, that's all!"
 
>...A *WHAT*!? What the hell is an 'open marriage?
 
"...Are... are you serious?"
 
~~~~~ten minutes later~~~~~
 
*DOORSLAM!*
 
>OH MY GOD!
 
'...Honey, are you okay?'
 
>...Did you know there are ponies out there who have sex with lots of other ponies, and it's NOT cheating!?
 
'You mean an open marriage?'
 
>....WHY DID NOBODY TELL ME SOONER!?
 
'...please don't tell me you're about to ask to go sleep with another stallion.'
 
>What? Ew, no. I barely have sex at all, and if I wanted more I could obviously just go to you.
 
'...So, are you saying it's okay for ME to...'
 
>Eh, I'd review it, see if they pass my love-barometer test, but that's not why I brought it up.
 
'...were you, by any chance, using this as a really roundabout means of foreplay?'
 
>No. I just thought it was cool.
 
'...Of course you did.'
 
>...It would solve a lot of problems though, wouldn't it?
 
'Yeah, but then where would our crazy relationship drama come from?'
 
>Point. Well, just wanted to share that, BYE!
 
'...'
 
"...So, can I tag in, or-"
 
>Not you!
 
"DAMN!"
 
NON CANON
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 
>AJ
"Pinkie"
'Luna'
 
~~~~
 
>Pinkie... What unholy monstrosity is this?
 
"It's... The Ultimate Cupcake..."
 
>That's ah cupcake? It's half the size of the table!
 
"I know..."
 
>What's all in it?
 
"...everything."
 
>I beg yer par-
 
"EVERYTHING! Chocolate, white chocolate, every flavor of frosting imaginable! Sprinkles, candy, fudge, marshmallows, caramel sauce... Everything sweet and sugary in this world..."
 
>Are ya actually gonna eat it?
 
"..."
 
>Pinkie?
 
"I don't think so..."
 
>How come?
 
"If I do I'm gonna end up like you and the Anons wouldn't like that?"
 
>The who know?
 
"Hmm?"
 
>*Sigh*...Never mind. So... What ARE you going to do with it?
 
"Hmmmmm... Wanna give it to Luna and see what happens?"
 
~~~~~~~~~~~
 
'-EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-'
 
>You know this probably set her diet back ah century or two...
 
"Yep... oh look! There goes the moon again!"
 
>It's like watching ah strobe light... How many times has it gone around again?
 
"I lost count after magenta but I think its somewhere around puse!"
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 
>Pinkie
"Cheese"
'77'
~~~
"Finally! We found you!"
 
>Hey, Cheese, like this party I'm throwing?
 
'... There's no one else here.'
 
>Totally, it's a commentary on the excess of the monarchy, I made a cake out of depleted uranium with Vegemite frosting to symbolize the wastefulness of our recent militarization. I got the recipe from this book I found.
 
"Ack! Avert your eyes, Dusty! Avert them! That book is EVIL!"
 
'Ugh! I can FEEL the corrupting influence of the Omnomonomicon! I'm starting to think like 32! But I must resist!'
 
>Why bother resisting, it only means you're ignoring the problem at hand. And that's how the culinary world is being strangled by plebeians who think pancakes should stay circular. WHY ARE THEY FLAT, MAN? WHY CAN'T THEY BE THREE DIMENSIONAL! LIKE THE DEPTH OF REAL WORLD PROBLEMS COMPARED TO A CHILDNESS TWO DIMENSIONAL BREAKFAST!
 
Pinkie throws the book through the wall and escapes through it screaming about 'politics supporting status quo meals'
 
"Hey, you okay there?"
 
'Fine... When you described her condition, I never imagined it was so terrible, and Princess Twilight said nothing about how... drastic the changes could be.'
 
"We have to go after her! She could poop on every party in a fifty mile radius!"
 
'Then it's all the more important we report back immediately to figure out a way to at least minimize the damage.'
 
"DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE SEVERITY OF THIS SITUATION? SHE SERVED ME A GRILLED CHEESE WITH CASU MARZU!"
 
'Get a hold of yourself!'
 
Smack!
 
"Wow... Sorry..."
 
'I know you have strong feelings for her, but this has become bigger than all three of us, We're going to need everyone we can get.'
 
"Right! Then let's hurry fast and save Pinkie and parties everywhere!"
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 
>77
"SA"
'42'
(Various guards)
[Mane-Iac]
~~~~
 
>Prince Shining Armor, I must protest!
 
"Cleared it with Celly, going to have to take it up with her. Your guards will be fine."
 
>I have already- wait, MY guards? Shining Armor, there are thirty of my guards, and all of them are armed to the teeth. I am protesting you sending that poor mare to her obvious demise.
 
"...Oh, uh, nobody told you?"
 
>...Told me wha-
 
'CRUMBLES LOOK OUT- Damn. I was sure at least one rocket would make it through.'
 
>...Well, my soldier's battle saddles will-
 
*BOOP!*
 
The magical shield's timing could not have been better. Well, assuming you asked anyone besides the poor sod who just splatted against it, obviously.
 
>...Uh...
 
{OH SWEET CELESTIA NO!}
 
{HOW DO YOU 'CATCH' BULLETS WITH HAIR!? FUCK YOU, PHYSICS CALLED AND THEY WANT A DO OVER!}
 
{PLEASE DON'T PUT THIS ON MY RECORD! PLEEEEASE!}
 
{THIS IS NOTHING LIKE MY ANIMES! NOTHING!}
 
{I DIDN'T WANT TO LOSE MY VIRGINITY LIKE THIS!}
 
[I do not know what that means, but I will be all to happy to rob you, OF YOUR PRECIOUS VIRGINITY! AHAHAHAHAHAH!]
 
{...That's my helmet.}
 
[Shoot.... thiiiis?]
 
{Spear.}
 
[Thiiiiis?]
 
{Armor.}
 
[Well, blast it! Which part is your virginity!?]
 
{...No no, I was wrong, you grabbed it. Got it right there.}
 
[The little frilly thing on your helmet?]
 
{...Yes.}
 
[MWAHAHAHAHH! I AM THE GREATEST VIRGINITY STEALER, OF ALLLLLL TIIIIIIIIIME! AAAAHAHAHAHAHAH!]
 
>...M-maybe I... underestimated her, just a touch.
 
"If it makes you feel and better, her and Chrysalis? Best buddies. You don't even know."
 
>...Score one more for the hive! HA HAAA!
 
'Glad someones happy.'
 
[AAAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!]
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 
>Chrysalis
"SA"
~~~
>Hnnnng-ahhh... And that was my cousin Pentatomidina's stink squirting ability.
 
"Gross, but doesn't smell that bad."
 
>Yeah, seems it's a genetic thing whether a pony actually finds it disguisting or not.
 
"So, what abilities do you not know?"
 
>Oh, man, would you believe it? The best queen is missing only the best talent out of all the hives: extremophilia!
 
"... Is that like having sex on a rocket-powered skate board while riffing on a guitar?"
 
>Wow, I think you just found something too kinky and weird even for me. ... Nope! There we go, it's sexy if you add sunglasses and explosions. Anyway though, Extremophilia was a power my Grauntie Tardigracia and her hive knew. Amazing thing: she could survive pretty much anything with it! Boiled in oil? She was fine. Absolute zero temperatures? She was cool with it. Pressures strong enough to crush even Luna's ass to match Cadence's? Shrugged it off like it was nothing! They could go without food, water, or love, for hundreds or years without weakening, it was amazing!
 
"Wow, they sound pretty tough. So how did they die out?"
 
>To be honest, I'm not sure they did. Last I heard they were drifting in space.
 
"Wouldn't that kill, well, anything not Celestia or Luna?"
 
>Apparently not. One of the changelings in the ball room? One of Graunties, he says, we picked him up from the impact site of his return to earth so I can believe it myself.
 
NON CANON
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 
>SA
"Applejack"
~~~~~
 
>Okay! SO! I just shot Fluttershy in the head and she exploded into sparkles. We gonna fill me in on that?
 
"There's a bunch o' not-Fluttershy's runnin' around, each one's got an gimmick and they turn inta' sparkles when you shoot 'em."
 
>...Really! Well, this sounds like information that should have been shared! A bit BEFORE I started questioning where to bury the body, thank you!
 
"How'd ya' not know? Chrysalis killed one."
 
>Never came up, actually!
 
"...Why'd ya' shoot her anyway?"
 
>This one's gimmick? Fashion.
 
"Uh huh..."
 
>Racy fashion.
 
"Still not seein' the-"
 
>For Two.
 
"...Fer' two ponies, or-"
 
>Other Two. The Two with the capital T. The MY BABY GIRL WHO IS NOT A WHORE Two. That Two.
 
"Ah."
 
>My shotgun hungered, and I was but a vessel.
 
"...Please get outta' my office."
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 
>Waterbearling
"Celestia"
~~~
Celestia is sitting in her bed with the Waterbear Changeling
 
"So... You can really survive extreme heat and radiation?"
 
>Eeyup.
 
A cosmic bullet slams into his head doing nothing.
 
"Like... Even solar levels?"
 
>One of the reasons we went into space was to get a tan... I got caught in planet's gravity and I figure I'll work on it next century.
 
Vengeful spirits of the dead rise and attempt to tear his soul.
 
Doing nothing.
 
"So... do you have any weird kinks? Are you secretly gay? Something? Anything?"
 
>I'm kind of lazy... You're going to be the one doing everything.
 
A meteor smashes through the roof and strikes the two on the bed, cracking in half against Celestia and the changeling's bodies
 
"Deal."
 
Celestia tears off her regalia and gets ready to pounce her new lover... Until some mystic force yanks him away and sends him back into space with the rest of his hive.
 
"...MOMMA NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"
 
NON CANON
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________