_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 
>Twilight
"Spike"
'DT'
[42]
{77}
~~~~~
>So I've been doing some research with Shining Armor, and I think you all need codenames.
 
"Uh, not to burst your bubble, isn't that a comicbook thing?"
 
'Call dibs on Bejeweled!'
 
>accepted! I'll get a codename patch for you.
 
"Wait, that's just a normal pony name, and it's too much like your real name, shouldn't it be different to obfuscate one's identity-"
 
{I choose Sole Survivor}
 
>Passed!
 
"Oh, come on, this is just stupid! 42, you agree with me, right?
 
[...]
 
"Right?"
 
[I wanna be...]
 
"OH COME ONE!"
 
[Queen of Blades!]
 
>Granted! Spike, all that's left is you.
 
"I don't need a secret identity, or rather, I can't have one! I'm the only biped in a widespread civilization of quadrupeds! If anyone took a look at me, they'd know who I am! Besides, you don't have a code name, do you?"
 
>I'm Professor X! So, what'll it be, Spike? We can assign you one if you'd like.
 
"... Ugh... I'll take Humdrum."
 
>...
 
{...}
 
[...]
 
'... Wow, you got self-esteem issues.'
 
"This is karma for the OnO games, isn't it?"
 
NON CANON
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 
>Dash
"Spitfire"
'Soarin'
-Bulk Biceps-
[Fleetfoot]
~~~~~~
 
*WHAM!* *WHAM!* *WHAM!*
 
>CAN'T FUCKING BELIEVE IT!
 
"What's your problem."
 
'Yeah, Dash, whatever it is, it can't be THAT ba-'
 
>Eighty. Five. Percent.
 
"...Eighty five percent bad?"
 
'Yeah, what the hell does that me-'
 
>Eighty five percent of the Wonderbolts are ON DRUGS.
 
"...Ah."
 
>...'Ah'. As in 'ah, I see what you mean now' or 'ah, you finally figured it out'?
 
"The latter."
 
'What!? Sptis, you can't mean that-'
 
>Spitfire, are you telling me you knew that the VAST majority of your fliers were taking performance enhancing substances? And also other, much more illegal substances?
 
"Well... the former, yes. Kind of just looked the other way on the other stuff. Didn't really seem like my business, you know?"
 
>...
 
'Pretty sure she's going to bring out the whip for this one Spi-'
 
"I don't know why you're mad at me, Fleetfoot is the one selling it."
 
*SLAM!*
 
[YOU BACKSTABBING BITCH!]
 
'Oh, sure, NOW that's a probl-'
 
-RAINBOW DASH!-
 
>What!?
 
-Did I do well on my test? Huh huh huh?-
 
>Against all common sense, you came back negative, Bulk. I still don't understand it.
 
-...I'M SO SORRRY!-
 
'Aaaand, off he go-'
 
[You weren't complaining when I split the profits!]
 
"I complained when you STOPPED!"
 
*BLAM!*
 
'...She has a gun. Wow.'
 
>...
"..."
[...]
 
'Oh, hey, got to finish that ti-'
 
>You two are going to SUFFER. You know that, right?
 
"...Considering quitting a lot more heavily now."
 
[Yeaaah...]
 
>Consider very, very hard, because I think I'm out of 'humiliating' punishments, and am moving on to the real thing.
 
'DAMN!'
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 
>SA
"Cadence"
'18'
[42]
~~~~
 
>...*Sniff*... nooooo...
 
*SLAM!*
 
"SHIIIIINYYYY HEEEEY!"
 
'Wesh brough' preshense!'
 
[Buh we ate shome of 'em. Shorry!]
 
>Nooooo...
 
"LOOKI' Ih! CHOCOLAH!"
 
'Shey are sha BESH!'
 
>Okay, on SOME level, I get Cadence. Cadence is so lightweight she got tipsy when she stepped on a campaign bottle. 18, I get you. As a fellow doer of the paperwork, I too wish to drink heavily, and often. But you, 42, you are just confusing me.
 
[Shey wanna' ta' get drunk, buh Ah' shed it wassn a good idea, so ah' tried ta' drink ih' all a'fore THEY could drink it. Shmart, right!?]
 
>...
 
[Ah' don think sho eisher, an' ah'm drunk. Jush sheem kinna dumb now.]
 
"Enouh talk, SHEXY DANSH TIME!"
 
'Wooo! You like it!?'
 
[He liksh it!]
 
"SHEXY DANSHIN!"
 
>...
 
"Woo! Now comsh sha fun part!"
 
>Is the fun part the part where you all fall down and go to slee-OOOF!
 
"Naaah! Ish huggy part! Ya' like huggy part! Buh now... WISH KISSHY PART!"
 
>Honey, normally I would jump at the chance, but your breath is pretty much just vomit at this point. I see chunks of food.
 
"...SHOOT! AJ cerulean, wash yer' bresh like?"
 
'...Shmells like ah' ate a cat.'
 
>Did you?
 
'NO! Sha's silly... but sha cat food was pretty good, I dunno why we give it ta' cats. Should be 'fer ponies.'
 
>...Why do we have catfoo-
 
"FERTY TWO! How'sh yer' bresh!?"
 
[...Shmells like drinkin'.]
 
"No pukey?"
 
[No pukey.]
 
"Shen get in here an' make out wish my hushybaloo!"
 
>...
'...'
"..."
 
[....Wait... too late.]
 
>Too late for wha-
 
"'[BLARGH!]"'
 
*THUMP!*
 
"'[ZZZzzzz]"'
 
>...How did NONE of that hit Cadence, but somehow it ALL hit me!? That's a mutli-score bonus right there.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 
>Applebloom
"Scootaloo"
'Sweetie Belle'
[Babs Seed]
~~~~~
[Wow, you guys sure are doin' some major remodelin' 'round here.]
 
"Yeah, we got attacked by robots."
 
[Ey, cuz, Scoots off her meds 'r somethin'?]
 
>No, we really got attacked by robots. They attacked tha Crystal Empire, an' Canterlot, an' here too.
 
'We tried to help fight them off but we weren't very useful.'
 
"But, hey, we tried at least, more than can be said for the Mayor."
 
>*Snorts* Yeah!
 
'We also salvaged plenty of scrap from the dead bots for our next Cutie Mark attempt!'
 
"We already failed building our own robots. Mostly."
 
>We did make a pretty sweet laser gun though!
 
'I like the flamethrower myself!'
 
"I like the crank gun I stole but I'm gonna have to find something else, I've only got so many bullets left."
 
>You can borrow tha scatter shot gun! We got plent o' those! 'r maybe we kin start makin' our own bullets!
 
'Yeah! I'll ask Rarity to teach me how to engrave them so we can put the Cutie Mark Crusader emblem on them!'
 
"Awesome!"
 
[... This is why I don' like visitin' ya, cuz, I feel like an underachiever now.]
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 
>29
"MM"
~~~~
 
*SLAM!"
 
>AT LAST! RECOGNITION!
 
"...You know I can't read the paper when you're bumping it into my nose, right?"
 
>No need! I'll read it for you. A-hem. 'In a shocking turn of events, The Great And Powerful Trixie has taken the stage show by storm! Her previously hammy and self fellating dialect has been traded out for a much more sophisticated and sincere dialog. She's as lovely to the ears as she is to the eyes!'... Isn't it amazing!?
 
"...Did you read the rest of it?"
 
>No, why would I do that?
 
"...'we spoke with the unicorn for a personal interview, and asked her what had brought about this shift in her spoken word. She very insistently proclaimed she had simply decided to stop dumbing it down for the masses, and that she always used to speak like this. It was all her, her her her her her, direct quote.'.."
 
>...THAT BITCH! She totally backstabbed me and stole all the credit for all the hard work I put in!
 
"..."
 
>...I'M SO PROUD!
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 
>Rarity
"Applejack"
[Spike]
~~~~~
 
>...Well, it seems we have reached an impasse.
 
"Is that fancy fer', Ah'm tryin' ta' steal yer' library book cause Ah've got no sense o' decency?"
 
>It's not your library book until you check it out, darling.
 
"Look, Rar, there's only one copy o' "Dragon Biology and Mating Habits" around here, and Ah' saw it first."
 
>I magically grabbed it first.
 
"Ah' physically grabbed it first. Physical is more important than magical."
 
>Says the...
 
"Don't work no more, does it?"
 
>I blame Celestia.
 
"...Ya' should, Ah' guess?"
 
>Glad we cleared that up. Now... hand it over.
 
"No."
 
>Applejack.
 
"Rarity!"
 
>APPLEJACK!
 
"RARI-... Oh, hey the book opened..."
 
>...My, that is... impressive.
 
"And ribbed."
 
>"....Truce? Truce."
 
[Hey girls what're you-]
 
>"NOTHING! REQUIRED READING!"
 
As one, they huddled together, checked out the book, and slipped away.
 
>Got the flashlight?
 
"Got the blankets?"
 
>...Does this count as a sleepover?
 
"..."
 
>...
 
"...Yes. We are having a sleepover if anyone asks, and nothing else."
 
>...First page!
 
"Ooooh!"
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 
Rarity
"Applejack"
~~~~~
"... Rares... You seein' what Ah'm seein'?"
 
>H-How many times has Twilight checked this out or extended the check out
 
"... Thirty seven times... wit' one extended check out lastin' a year..."
 
>Maybe she was just... Trying to learn about Spikey? You know. to raise him better!
 
"Yep! Definitely gotta be it. That's mah reasonin' an' Ah'm stickin' to it!"
 
>... Why are these pages sticky?
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 
>Twilight
"Spike"
~~~~~
 
>ARRRGGGHHHH!
 
"You know, normally when I open the door with little cakes, you're all 'Oh hey, Spike! Thanks for being so nice to me! You're a good friend.' Don't like this new direction, have to say. Don't want to sound like a trender, but it was better back when."
 
>Chrysalis is a BITCH!
 
"Oh my gosh! Twilight from four years ago! It's you! Quick, before the portal closes and you go back, I need to warn you of stuff and give lottery numbers!"
 
>Har de har har, Spike, but I'm serious. You see this?
 
"The giant block with scribbles? Yes. Yes I do."
 
>This is a tablet filled with Changeling writing. A tablet I have had translated by the bitch herself.
 
"Bitch QUEEN! Let's not sell her short."
 
>And you would think that with a long, long tablet that has been translated, I would be able to use simple comparisons to translate other such writing, correct?
 
"Were we in a world of sanity, yes. But, alas."
 
>Alas indeed. She must be either deliberately mistranslating stuff, or using variations when translating the same word. This one little scribble? Either means ocean, bird, sky and Chrysalis, or she's fucking with me.
 
"It would be the only fucking with going on in her life."
 
>I will get the soap.
 
"Retracted. Still, it does look like she's doing it intentionally, and very methodically. It all translates sane, but she's doing it in a way you can't replicate."
 
>And worse, she won't teach 42 or 18.
 
"Didn't she say that any drones who learned how to read tended to get delusional and try to start a coup? Reason not to teach them. Still, why doesn't she want you reading it without her?"
 
>I want to say because she's protective of her language, but I think she just likes watching me freak out whenever she reveals some other, horrible thing.
 
"It's probably that... or she's worried you'll translate something you're not supposed to know..."
 
>...
 
"..."
 
>"...Nah, it's the other thing."
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 
>SA
"18"
~~~~
 
>....
 
"..."
 
>...Fine, get it out of your system.
 
"You kissed HER!?"
 
>Aaand, there we go. She wasn't supposed to tell you that, you know. Asked her not to, but we've firmly established that she has as much care for my opinion as Two does for the works of classic literature.
 
"It's just... that's SO unfair! So, so unfair! I do way more than her!"
 
>You realize that was essentially mouth to mouth resuscitation, right? She was going to die. In fact, I think she actually did die for a second there.
 
"Still..."
 
>Dead, 18. As in the not living thing. As in the thing you were going to be if Chrysalis hadn't slammed your head into a wall.
 
"...She told you about that?"
 
>No, the guard who dragged you clear did. He also mentioned you using his body to smooth out the lumps in the wall yourself. He's not holding a grudge, though, says you had your reasons.
 
"... Would you have done it for me too? If I had made it though."
 
>In a heartbeat. But Twilight says you're not equipped to handle that, so it's a moot point. Don't do something stupid, 18, I like having you around and I'd miss you if it went badly.
 
"...Thanks."
 
>Don't thank me yet, I've got SO many hazard pay forms to fill out, and guess who's going to help me?
 
"You are so lucky you're nice to me, or I would walk."
 
>Luckiest stallion alive.
 
*DESK SHAKING THUMP!*
 
>Let's get to it.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 
>Rarity
"Applejack"
[Spike]
~~~~~~
 
>It's never going to work, darling.
 
"Ah, what do ya'll know?"
 
>Sorry, but he'll never be yours. All mine, mine mine mine.
 
"NO! Ah' can't let ya' have him! Ya' had yer' chance, and ah' finally got him movin' towards me!"
 
>Oh, darling, of course I can get him back. Me and him were so close for so long, you'll just never be able to have something like that. We just fit, you wouldn't understand.
 
"Ah' can so! Ah'll prove it!"
 
>Applejack, don't do anything foolish!
 
"Oh, ah'm doin' it!"
 
>Don't you dare, Applejack!
 
"Doin' it!"
 
>DON'T YOU DARE YOU HORRIBLE LITTLE THING!
 
"Ah'm gonna grab him, squeeze the life outta him, drag him inta' mah' bed and he is gonna be mine for the rest o' time!"
 
>NOOOOO! WHY DIDN'T I MOVE QUICKER!?
 
"TOO LATE NOW! TOO LATE NOOOOW!"
 
>...
 
"...DAMN IT!"
 
[You two have wasted SO MUCH money on that claw game. Wouldn't it just be cheaper to just buy a stuffed dragon?]
 
"It's personal."
 
>You wouldn't understand. Now, if you don't mind, my turn!
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 
>SA
"Chrysalis"
[???]
~~~~
 
>And here... we... go...
 
"WHAT THE FUCK!?"
 
>You like my little addition?
 
"You put a MOAT in front of your room!? How... that is just confusing!"
 
>Don't you want to come in? I'm naaaaaked!
 
"REALLY!? Oh shit I-... Oh, haha, fucking hilarious. But seriously, drop that little drawbridge."
 
>Nope. Gotta swim. Go ahead, it's only a few feet deep.
 
"A few... you know I can't swim!"
 
>Oh, that's a shame. How are you supposed to get inside? This is a real conundrum.
 
"Come ooooooon! I need to mess up your papers!"
 
>They're right here, I don't know what you're waiting for.
 
"COME ON!"
 
>No, I think I'll just keep it just like-
 
*SPLASH!*
 
>....Chrysalis? CHRYSALIS!? Oh shit I didn't think you'd actually-
 
"Wasn't me."
 
>...Then who-
 
[SHINY HELP! I CAN'T SWIM!]
 
>... DAMN IT, CADENCE!
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 
>Luna
“AJ56”
‘Applejack’
~~~~~
 
The moon had been hanging in the sky for more than a few hours, round and resplendent, and a certain Lunar Princess found herself sighing with boredom as she surveyed a Canterlot deep in slumber.
 
>Hmph. Wasting away thine’s hours not appreciating the beauty of our moon, these ponies have no idea the wonders of a rich nightlife!
 
She had to refrain from laughing at her own pitiful joke but she was in need of some laughs, a good time.
 
>But where can the laughter be doubled?
 
And it was then that 56 and his idiotically smiling face swam over her vision….
 
>Ugh, no… not that little pervert! We would rather buck apples our entire life.
 
Elsewhere in the peacefully quiet castle, a certain apple princess tussled in her sleep, one of her back legs softly kicking under the covers.
 
Luna sighed in defeat, and then began to grin.
 
>Well… why not? Even if we already know of the perversion that rules his dreams, it could make for some most joyous blackmail!
 
In a bright flash of iris light, Luna entered the Dreamscape of the one she sought, surprised to find herself not in the setting of, say, a strip club, but on the shore of a sandy beach. The sun was bright, the air smelled sweet… and she was confused.
 
>A beach… but why…? Oh, we understand… that little reprobate is planning to bask in some wet posteriors! Well! Not if we have a say!
 
And she was off, galloping through the sand in search of the mischievous Changeling. After a few minutes, a great gathering of ponies came into view, separated by aisles. Easily visible were her sister, Chrysalis, Shining, 18, Cadance, everyone was there. But for what…?
 
Unnoticeable to all except the dreamer, Luna hesitantly crept closer, stopping a few rows back when she beheld 56 and a dream version of herself standing side by side. The Changeling in question was decked out in a very dashing suit while she wore the most stunning white gown she had ever seen, even with a satin veil.
 
>What the…?
 
56 and her dream-version stood before a podium, behind which was Applejack who looked to be in the middle of speaking.
 
‘…and do y’all, 56, take Moons tuh be yer’ lawfully wedded wife?’
 
“You kiddin’? Look at her! She’s gorgeous! Who wouldn’t?”
 
‘That’s nice, sugarcube, but we need a yes or no here.’
 
“Yes! Definitely!”
 
‘And now, 56 had somethin’ special he wanted to say. Go on, sugar.’
 
Luna was utterly dumbfounded as she watched 56 fumble inside his jacket before pulling out a crumpled piece of paper, nervously clearing his throat.
 
“M-my dearest mare of moonlight so splendid, ever since first laying eyes upon your magnificent visage I knew in my very chitin that there would be none who could ever make my heart pitter-patter the way you do, for every precious second that I’m held within your regal gaze I… I, uh… you know what, screw this crap. I knew I shouldn’t have asked 29 to help, I barely know what the hell I’m saying.”
 
From somewhere in the crowd an irate voice yelled out, “PHILISTINE!”
 
Despite herself, Luna put a hoof to her lips, giggling as 56 balled up the paper and chucked it. He reached out and took Dream Luna, who was also laughing, by the hoof.
 
“Moons- er, Luna… you’re the best mare I’ve ever met, and not because of that amazing ass either. Well, that’s part of it, I mean, I’d love to sleep on that one day, but the way you talk makes me happy, too. I know you feel embarrassed about it but I love the ‘thee’s and ‘doth’s and stuff. I don’t get much love from not-mom, barely any really, but I get lots from you! And so I want to make sure you’re always happy- I’d even join the Night Guard to do it! I… I love you!”
 
>…
 
A sterling silver band found it’s way onto Dream Luna’s hoof and she stared down at it, her cheeks flushed and her eyes watering over. The crowd burst into cheers as 56 stretched onto his tippy-hooves to lift up her veil.
 
“Don’t cry, Moons. I mean, you look darned cute when you do, but… this is supposed to be a happy moment after all. And you’re my mare of honor.”
 
>I’m… th-that little idiot… I’m n-not crying… I’m not- damn it….
 
Concentration lost, the dream faded and Luna found herself back in her quarters, staring out into the twinkling darkness. As she dwelt on what she’d seen and rubbed at her bloodshot eyes, she had the sudden urge to steal Applejack’s band and spray-paint it silver.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 
>Applejack
"Rarity"
'Spike'
[Twilight]
~~~~~
>Say, Rares, has Spike been visitin' you lately at all?
 
"Ohohoho! Perhaps he's simply lost interest in 'plain old Applejack' and seen the light one again!"
 
>Have ya'll seen 'em 'r not? Ah'm pretty worried 'bout tha workload he keeps givin' himself!
 
"... no, I honestly haven't, the times I do catch a glimpse of him, he looks so exhausted..."
 
>Ya'll don' think...
 
"No..."
 
[Spike! Where are you?]
 
'Right here, Twi...'
 
[There you are! Come on! I need your help for some more experiments in my lab.]
 
'coming...'
 
[Thank you, my number one assistant!]
 
Twilight kisses Spike's cheek and sets him on her back and the two head off.
 
>... That...
 
"Hussy..."
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 
>Applejack
"Rarity"
~~~~~
Applejack and Rarity enter Twilight's lab
 
>Rares... Ah suddenly ain' feelin' righ' 'bout snoopin' like this. Ah mean Twi' an' Spike have history, 's only natural he'd lend 'er a hand. Ah'm startin' ta think we've been blowin' this whole thing outta proportion.
 
"Then how do you explain... THIS!"
 
Rarity levitates a copy of Dragon Biology and Mating Habits
 
"And I found it amongst these!"
 
Rarity then gestures to a pile of books and research notes, many of them focusing on dragon sex and sexual reproduction
 
>... That's... mighty... Somethin'...
 
Rarity turns bright red.
 
"Ohoho! Look at these though!"
 
She holds up research and medical notes on Spike
 
>... Goodness gracious... He's really got all that in that lil' body o' his?! ... Ah'm gonna need a copy o' this. For reasons.
 
"Me too. I think this concludes today's investigation."
 
Using their magic, each make a copy of the notes.
 
>"In my bunk, no calls."
 
~~~~~
Another evening of investigation has led Applejack and Rarity to Twilight's Holodeck Sub-Space Alternate Reality Simulator. A quick access of the log makes them both go pale beneath their coats.
 
Long logs and recording sessions focus on Twilight (assuming the form of a dragon in some and a pony in others) and a simulated Spike in a rather committed relationship. It seemed like some bad dream when the logs stretched from copulations into full term pregnancies with both pureblooded dragon eggs or the bizarre hybrid children, even scenarios of the births and maturation of such children. The screen was filled with variables, factors, calculations, and other long streams of data neither understood, but the video logs told much.
 
Rarity looked away first. "So... This is how it is... Et tu, Twilight?"
 
 
Applejack shook her head. "No, look, if Twi wants Spike, we ain' got no righ' to stop 'er, anymore than Ah'd have a righ' to a shut you out 'r you me. An' in the end, the decision falls ta Spike... Whoever he's happy wit'... Even if it ain' me." Applejack fiddles with her band and turns away to hide her tears.
 
Rarity smiles and puts a hoof on Applejack's shoulder. "If I lost Spikey to any pony, I would be honored for it to be you or Twilight."
 
Applejack brightened. "Lose? Ah didn' say a hoot 'bout givin' up! Ah'm gonna drag tha kid off ta Neighvada nexy openin' you two leave an' gonna get a quickie weddin'!"
 
Rarity's own competitive streak rose. "Oh! You think I would present such an opportunity for you? But never mind that, would you really take it? You're a family mare, Applejack, you wouldn't dare have a wedding without your whole family. And I mean all of them. By the time you finish with the invitations, I'll have swooped my beloved Spikey off his feet and be riding off with him into the sunset!"
 
"Jus' try it on mah watch..." Applejack challenged and met Rarity's gaze. "But first, Ah'm welcomin' Twi to war."
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 
>Twilight
"Applejack"
'Rarity'
~~~~~
"Hey, Twi, Ah gotta talk to you on somethin'!"
 
'As must I, do you have a moment to spare?'
 
Twilight looks up from her research
 
>Actually, I wanted to talk to you two, medical matters. Being a princess, whether we work hard on progressing science, society, arts, it's all a very stressful job, I understand this. And many react differently to stress. Sexual activity is a normal stress relief method for both ponies and dragons. Still, I recommend caution and must warn you of... Outbursts, fits of draconic instincts taking hold.
 
'...'
 
"... Pardon?"
 
>Dragon-Pony intimate relations are, unlikely to, but can produce off-spring in a one in one thousand chance. If that's what you desire, not recommended as stress can cause miscarriage or you can find time to carry offspring to term, can increase odds by a factor of ten. Still, you must both be warned that dragons are rough mates, prone to violence in bed despite their desires, normally to impress females with their power, on mares... Painful. I can forward advice book, contains valuable diagrams positions comfortable for pony and dragon, erogenous zone overviews. I can also supply some demonstration videos I've made as well as oils, lotions, and ointments to reduce discomfort.
 
"..."
 
'...This... is a joke, right?'
 
>Really, Rarity! Doctor patient confidentiality is a sacred trust! I would never dream of mockery!
 
"Mah innocence is gone..."
 
>Splendid, we can schedule a psychological therapy appointment later!
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________