>Day 140 of summer hiatus
 
>Well, this sucks.
>You’ve been looking forward to the third season of “My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic” for months.
>And now it looks like you’re probably going to miss the premiere tomorrow.
>Definitely won’t get to finish the 17-hour marathon of the entire series you had planned today.
>You had needed to refresh your memory on most of the episodes -
>You spent a lot of time screwing around on /mlp/ and such
>But it had been a while since you actually sat down to watch the show.
>And now you may never get to see it again.
>You were probably going to die in this stupid forest.
>Fucking magic portal.
 
>You knew you shouldn’t have messed with it.
>Hell, you could’ve at least put on something better than pajamas before you did.
>But noooooooo
>You just HAD to see what was beyond the huge, inexplicable bush in your refrigerator right away, didn’t you?
>In your defense, it was one hell of a thick leafy bush.
>How were you supposed to see there wasn’t any ground under it, until you pushed your way inside?
>Apparently fate thought it would be funny for the portal to come out in the branches halfway up a weird, bushy tree.
 
>Right away you could tell someone was trying to rustle your jimmies
>and damn if they weren’t doing a good job of it.
>You had crashed down through the branches of the tree
>which was growing on a steep, rocky hill you then started rolling down
>tumbling through thick vegetation all the way.
>Somehow you managed to hold onto your box of Gorilla Munch through the whole ordeal.
>It wasn’t really that important
>But it was all you had brought with you apart from your bedclothes.
>So you kept it in a death grip until you stopped rolling.
 
>Now, you are lying on the ground in some damn forest.
>No idea where you could be.
>Letting out a grunt, you manage to get to your feet and check the damage.
>Fortunately you didn’t suffer any real injuries
>As far as you can tell, at least
>Seems like just a few cuts and bruises.
 
>You’re pretty sure nothing is broken.
>The tree’s branches had gone all the way down its length, keeping you from falling too fast as they snapped beneath you.
>As such, you didn’t hit the ground very hard.
>Plus, your bathrobe and slippers kept you from getting scratched up all that badly during the trip.
>Of course the slippers have taken a good beating
>And your bathrobe is absolutely ruined.
>Damn it, you had liked that bathrobe.
 
>This forest is uncomfortably dark.
>Morning light shines between the trees as they began to thin out ahead of you.
>You tuck your cereal under your arm and trudge towards the light.
>Hopefully you’ll be somewhere you recognize.
>Otherwise you will probably need to try finding that portal again.
 
>Even in the darkness you can tell there’s something off.
>All the plants look… wrong
>You think some of the trees might even be purple
>And something else isn’t quite right.
>You aren’t sure what.
>Though it becomes obvious as you leave the forest.
 
>The trees give way to a vast, open countryside.
>Outside the dim confines of the forest, you are able to see a lot better.
>What in the actual fuck is going on here?
>The world exists in smooth lines and curves
>Colors are bright and distinct, not blending into one another
>The sun is low in the sky, yet no shadows are cast by anything
>And it all looks
>flat.
 
>You reach out a hand to touch the landscape.
>It has to be a painted wall right in front of you, it’s just gotta be
>But you only touch empty space
>And your arm looks like everything else does.
 
>Holy shit
>You are in a cartoon
 
>Your mind starts turning inside out, struggling to comprehend existence in a two-dimensional world.
>How the fuck was this possible?
>Hell, how were you supposed to move?
>You can’t even turn your head without making your eyes hurt, due to the illogical way your view shifts.
>Yet despite that, you feel you could safely maneuver around.
>Somehow, even with perspective behaving impossibly and your eyes focusing on everything at once,
>You have a very good sense of your position relative to what’s around you.
 
>For example, you innately know that majestic castle, jutting from a mountainside ahead of you, is very large and far away.
>It’s not just a small, fake castle on a nearby hill.
>Although, you could just know that because you’re familiar with the castle in question
>Not to mention that medieval-esque town a short distance from the forest you just came out of
>Or the apple orchards and farm fields you’re almost right next to.
>You’ve seen them all before, on a popular television show made for little girls.
 
>Holy SHIT
>You are in EQUESTRIA
 
>Day 1 in Equestria
 
>’yo dawg, I heard you like little ponies,
>SO I PUT EQUESTRIA IN YO FRIDGE’
>Magic portals confirmed for bro-tier
>You have never been so excited
 
>It wasn’t like this had ever been a deep burning wish of yours
>You aren’t quite as utterly obsessed with My Little Pony as some people were
>And you didn’t tend to dwell on impossible dreams.
>But you are definitely okay with this.
 
>Hell, you are better than okay
>The more you think about the situation
>The more you realize how completely AWESOME this could be.
>It’s making you rather giddy.
>You know it can’t be a dream, you still ache from your short adventure in the strange forest…
>no, the EVERFREE Forest.
>You have no doubt about being in Equestria.
>Even if you did, it would’ve vanished once the tiny, light-blue unicorn showed up.
 
>ohmygoditsaPONY
*squee*
>Woah woah woah.
>What the hell was that?
>You are not a person who “squees”
>This should disturb you.
>But you seem to have left all your fucks in the Everfree Forest.
 
>The unicorn had just crested a small hill about twenty feet away.
>It seems to be heading for the nearby apple orchard.
>You can barely contain your excitement.
>The shock and glee of being in Equestria has overridden your natural social awkwardness.
>You wear a big smile as you enthusiastically wave to the pony.
 
>They seem to notice the movement and look over in your direction.
>When they see you, they freeze in their tracks
>Jaw dropping, eyes growing wide
>You may have made a mistake.
 
>shiiiit what the fuck are you doing?
>You probably look like a monster to them.
>They have no idea what a human is.
>Plus you’re stumbling out of the Everfree Forest
>Wearing a ripped-apart bathrobe
>Covered with twigs and leaves
>Oh crap, you DEFINITELY look like a monster to them.
>Way to make a good first impression, asshole.
 
>And they’re one of those easily frightened background ponies too, nice job
>They’re going to scream in terror, run off to Ponyville, and tell everyone a monster came out of the forest
>The mane six will hunt your ass down and you’ll have to explain
>With your people skills, you’re probably going to be experimented on, banished to the wilderness, or worse.
>The pony still isn’t running off, though, that’s odd.
>You almost wish they would
>The stare they’re giving you is kind of unsettling…
 
>Wait a second
>Their coat and mane aren’t exactly light blue, really
>It’s more of a minty greenish-blue
>You can only think of one unicorn with that color scheme.
>Squinting a little, you look closely at the mark on its flank
>You had at first thought it was a gold horseshoe.
>nope.avi
>That’s no horseshoe
>It’s a harp.
>Your jimmies rustle so hard, they make you lose your grip on your cereal box.
 
>You fool
>You didn’t just scare a random-ass background pony
>No, you had gone flapping your big, fingery human hand at none other than LYRA HEARTSTRINGS.
>May Celestia have mercy on your soul.
 
>She’s been staring at you for over a minute now.
>You’ve read enough AiE stories and such to know where this is probably going.
>Being the first one to find you, there’s nobody to stop Lyra from making you her personal plaything.
>You’re going to be her super awesome human friend forever
>And/or her super awesome human sex slave
>Or perhaps she’ll just cut off your super awesome human hands, graft them onto her hooves, and set you free.
 
>But she’d have to catch you first.
>And with the Everfree Forest so close behind you…
 
>No, that wouldn’t work.
>She’d be after you in a second
>You’re really not in very good shape
>And a little pony is still, essentially, a horse.
>You can’t outrun a horse.
>Especially a magical one.
>Sighing, you resign yourself to your fate.
 
>Your raised hand, still hanging tensely in the air, waves to her again weakly.
”Uh. Hi, Lyra.”
>Damn, her pupils sure did shrink fast.
>You brace yourself, knowing the beginning of a rape face when you see it
>Her mane starts to frizzle up a bit
>And here comes the psychotic grin…
 
>Wait, no, she’s not grinning
>Her open mouth is just getting wider.
>Now she’s screaming in terror.
>And running off in the direction of Ponyville.
 
>Huh.
>You should really stop reading so much fanfiction.
 
>At least you had been right about background ponies being flighty as hell.
>Still, Lyra?
>Fleeing at the sight of a human?
>She should’ve at least been interested in you for innocent reasons, right?
>You had hardly even detected any curiousity on her part
>Just surprise, followed by horror.
>It would appear that the “real” Equestria just sort of ignores fanon.
>That makes enough sense, you suppose.
 
>Still, Lyra’s undoubtedly going to spread panic through the whole town.
>Average Ponyville citizens seemed like major xenophobes - even in canon.
>You should probably get friendly with some main characters quick, before everyone has heard about the “monster”.
>First, though, you need to stop wearing a monster costume.
 
>You slip the tattered bathrobe off your shoulders, leaving you in your dark-blue pajamas.
>Ugh, just look at the condition this thing is in.
>Such a shame.
>You would miss this bathrobe, it was pretty damn comfy.
>Or used to be, at least
>The poor thing was shredded beyond repair.
>It sacrificed itself to defend your pasty skin from really nasty scratches.
>After such a heroic end to its illustrious career, it deserves a memorial.
 
>The best you are able to do is tie what’s left of the bathrobe around a tree branch, letting it hang like a banner.
>This also lets you mark the spot you exited the Everfree Forest.
>In case needed to look for the portal again, this would give a good indication of where to start.
>If the portal hadn’t closed behind you, at least
>You were kind of busy falling to see if it had or not
>Didn’t care much either way.
>Things were surely going to be so amazing here that you’d never want to go home again.
 
>Once that’s finished, you think about the best course of action to acquire some friendship
>Since otherwise you’re likely to end up on the receiving end of unpleasant magic.
 
 
>At first you think of Pinkie Pie, obviously
>She could be friends with anyp0ny!
>However, she’s most likely somewhere in Ponyville right now
>If you just strolled right into town, there’d be a whole stampede of frightened ponies.
>That had happened with Zecora, after all.
>Come to think of it, not even Pinkie was friendly with the zebra, at first.
>She seems to have learned not to judge books by their covers, though.
 
>Actually - Zecora herself would probably make a good friend.
>Being an outsider herself, she knew how it felt to be misunderstood
>Which probably made her rather tolerant of unusual individuals like yourself.
>But she also lives somewhere out in the Everfree Forest.
>You had already been lucky not to run into something dangerous the first time you were in there.
>Best to play it safe.
 
>Fluttershy might have pity on a bizarre, scraped-up creature like yourself
>You weren’t sure where her cottage was supposed to be in relation to Ponyville, though.
>You can’t see it, and for all you know, it could be way past the other side of town.
 
>On the other hand... you are obviously right next to part of Sweet Apple Acres.
>You’re not entirely comfortable with the idea of going in there.
>Oh for fuck’s sake
>Get a grip, man
>Lyra turned out to be the polar opposite of an obsessed human-enthusiast.
>There’s simply no reason to think your super awesome human schlong will cause you to be aggressively pursued by a certain orange farm pony.
>…Right?
 
>Meh
>It’s really your only option either way.
>You shrug and pick back up your box of Gorilla Munch
>Tuck it under your arm
>Give your faithful bathrobe-flag a salute
>And start to walk towards Sweet Apple Acres.
>Your body is ready.
 
>Okay, maybe it’s not.
>After a few seconds of moving three-dimensionally through what you perceive as a two-dimensional space, you are suddenly staggered by the mother of all headaches.
>Your brain was not built to process what your eyes are giving it, apparently.
>It’s a painful process to stumble your way over to the nearby apple orchard that had been Lyra’s destination, but you manage it.
>You can only make it past a couple rows of trees, before another wave of agony rips through your skull and makes you collapse.
 
>Moaning and keeping your eyes shut, you blindly feel your way to the closest apple tree, leaning up against it.
>As you slowly massage your temples to little effect, you decide it’s probably best to just wait here for the migraine to go down.
>You sit there for a while in darkness, head throbbing.
>Before long, you’ve fallen into a dreamless sleep.
 
>You wake up.
>Damn, your bed is uncomfortable today.
>Probably because it’s the ground on the outskirts of Sweet Apple Acres.
>Your eyes shoot open as you remember, and you quickly stand up.
>oh fuck no you idiot you’ll…
>Wow.
>You’re actually just fine
>The simplistic, colorful world feels natural to you, and your head doesn’t hurt at all.
>You guess you got used to it while you were sleeping?
>Somehow?
>It’s magic, you don’t gotta explain shit.
 
>You start strolling off between the apple trees, noticing the sun is directly above you in the sky now.
>You were out for a few hours, it seems.
>Picking up the pace, you head for the big barn you can see through the tops of the trees.
>Hopefully you could still convince somep0ny you weren’t a dangerous abomination of nature.
 
>You briefly consider trying to find the farmhouse first, but decide against it.
>There was a good chance you’d bump into Granny Smith there.
>For all you know, even cartoon ponies could be susceptible to heart attacks
>That would definitely not help your integration into society.
 
>The central barnyard was where a lot of the action at Sweet Apple Acres seemed to happen anyway.
>At this time of day, Applejack and Big Macintosh were probably out and about doing farm work.
>One of them had to show up there eventually.
>Maybe you’d get lucky and run into Applebloom
>She would definitely be curious enough to at least give you a chance, it worked out that way for Zecora.
>You’d certainly prefer her to Big Mac or Applejack
>You still weren’t sure if fan material was completely irrelevant in the “real” Equestria
>Or whether that would even help you much.
>Big Mac seemed like an alright guy in the series, yet there was no guarantee he’d be much of a bro.
>And even if Applejack wasn’t a latent rapist, she might not take kindly to a big ugly critter trespassing on the farm.
>You’ll just take things as they come, you guess.
 
>Nearing the barnyard, you hear noises beyond the trees ahead.
>You slow down, hiding behind one, and peek out around the side.
>It’s Applejack, moving some big buckets from the barn up next to an apple tree.
>Great.
>You might as well get this over with.
>Staying out of sight, so your looks won’t shock her right away, you call out.
“Hello?”
>You wait a few moments.
>There’s no response.
>Frowning, you peek out again.
>Applejack’s still just lining up buckets around the other tree.
>You call out louder, still watching her.
“Hello there!”
>She doesn’t even flinch.
>The fuck?
“HELLO? HELLOOO?”
>God damn, is she deaf? This is weird.
 
>You leave your box of Gorilla Munch leaning against the tree, and stride out into the barnyard waving your arms.
“HEY! APPLEJACK!”
>She turns around, her gaze sweeping right past you as she trots away.
>Wow, she is TOTALLY out of it.
>Didn’t she learn better than to work herself into a dazed stupor?
 
>You walk up alongside of her and try to give her a light shove.
>Oof. She’s built like a brick wall.
>It was always obvious she had a ton of physical strength
>But damn, really?
>She won’t even budge.
>A moment after you touch her she comes to a stop, turning around.
>Guess you finally got through to her.
 
>Yeah, no.
 
>”YEEHAW!”
>She gallops back towards the tree, turns herself around in a slide and bucks it hard with her hooves.
>All the apples fall perfectly into the gathered baskets.
>Despite how awkward this all is, that was pretty cool.
>And far too well executed for a pony in her state
>Something’s not right here.
 
>Suddenly, you hear something behind you.
>”Good afternoon.”
>You spin around towards the new voice, forgetting Applejack completely when you hear it.
>You had been so involved with trying to get her attention, you didn’t even notice the unicorn and baby dragon walking up.
>”My name is Twilight Sparkle.”
 
>You manage to hold in the squee this time.
>You didn’t really have a favorite pony, but Twilight Sparkle was close.
>It was probably because you easily identified with her, both of you being reclusive, intellectual types.
>Although she actually had some friends…
>Whatever
>You’re standing next to TWILIGHT SPARKLE.
 
>Finally, here was somep0ny sensible to talk with!
>She and Spike don’t even seem too bothered by your alien appearance
>This is going to be easy.
“Uh, hi! I’m - WAAGH!“
>You’re shoved out of the way as Applejack zips past you toward Twilight.
>”Well howdy doo, Miss Twahlight! A pleasure makin’ yer acquaintance!”
>Okay, Applejack is certifiably insane now.
 
>She’s grabbed onto one of Twilight’s hooves and is flailing it rapidly up and down in a hoofshake.
>”Ah’m Applejack. We here at Sweet Apple Acres sure do like making new friends!”
>Sure, unless they’re big bald monkeys, right?
>You crazy-ass horse, you and Twilight are already friends
>Except… no.
>They aren’t, not yet.
>It finally gets through your thick skull.
>This is the first episode of “Friendship is Magic”, isn’t it?
 
>You’re pretty sure it is.
>You had just rewatched the first couple of episodes this morning, after all.
>And then you decided to finally make some breakfast before continuing your all-day ponython.
>Grabbed a box of Gorilla Munch, opened up the fridge
>Except there wasn’t any milk inside, just a fucking magic portal.
>And now here you are, once again watching Twilight and Applejack talk about the Summer Sun Celebration.
>As opposed to, you know, the giant hairless ape that’s staring at them incredulously.
 
 
>You have a bad feeling about this.
>Walking over, you wave your hand in front of Twilight.
>”And you’re in charge of the food, right?”
>Just look at all the fucks she isn’t giving.
>Yep, won’t even move when you push her.
>It’s like she weighs a million pounds
>Same goes for Spike
>You suppose this all makes sense.
>After all, you might mess up the plot if you got in the way.
 
>With a sigh, you finally accept that your bad feeling was right.
>You’re in Equestria.
>At the same time, you’re not.
>You’re just an audience with no influence on what you see.
>But come to think of it
>Isn’t this what you wanted to do today, anyhow?
 
>You’re going to get to watch every single episode of My Little Pony!
>In ultra-high definition!
>With surround sound!
>OVERLAID DIRECTLY ONTO YOUR EYEBALLS!
>USING HYPER REALISTIC 3D!
>VIEWING FROM ANY ANGLE!
>SHIT BRO YOU CAN SEE WHAT HAPPENS OFFSCREEN IF YOU WANT TO!
>MAYBE EVEN THE STUFF THAT GOES ON BETWEEN EPISODES!
>ISN’T THIS GOING TO BE SO ABSOLUTELY FUCKING AWESOME?!
 
 
>Yeah.
>Sure.
>It’s gonna be
>awesome…
 
 
>A loud ringing interrupts your thoughts.
>”SOUP’S ON, EVERYP0NY!”
>Oh right
>You had completely tuned out Applejack and Twilight’s conversation.
>Suddenly Apples, Apples everywhere.
>The stampeding family of ponies somehow carry you over to a gazebo with a picnic table, next to a dizzy Twilight and Spike.
>You stand there and try to collect yourself, while Applejack introduces her whole family as they pile baked goods onto the table.
>And nope -
>None of them notice you either.
 
>Welp.
>You guess this is alright.
>Yeah, you had been excited at the prospect of living in Ponyville
>Getting to know the mane six
>Maybe having adventures of some sort
>But this is neat too.
>You guess.
 
>You can’t help but think you’re forgetting something.
>What was it…
>gurgleblurgle
>Oh. Thanks, stomach.
>You remember you never actually got around to eating breakfast this morning
>You’d had a few hunger pangs since you entered Equestria, but they were ignored.
>Everything was too exciting at the time for you to care.
>Now… well…
 
>You glance over at the gathering of ponies.
>They’re all distracted by Twilight, who is trying to decline their invitation to brunch.
>Your eyes then turn to the mountain of apple-based pastries on the table in front of you.
>They look delicious.
>And there’s so many of them, no one would notice if one or two went missing, right?
 
>Feeling a little better about your situation, you reach out for an apple fritter.
>Your hand sort of… phases right through it.
>Blinking, you try again with a muffin.
>Your hand tingles oddly while it’s “inside” the muffin
>Otherwise, nothing happens.
 
>Well… of course nothing happens!
>If you could pick things up, you might do all sorts of poltergeisty antics and ruin the storyline, silly!
>Haha, you could be so oblivious sometimes.
>OF COURSE you can’t pick anything up.
>Of course.
>…oh god, you are going to fucking die.
 
[END OF EPISODE 0]