>Day Soaps in Equestria
>God fucking damn the ponies in this place, every fucking day it's more of the same retarded drama
>You're currently half-listening to Rarity gossiping about Flitter cheating on her coltfriend with some minotaur Lolseas or something
>"Heavens, darling, it just keeps going on! Now, don't tell anypony I told you this, but Flitter might even be pregnant! She was reportedly feeling nauseous this morning, and she's not certain who the father is!"
>Your wandering mind has decided now is the best time to start visualizing
>You can't get the idea of a mutant pony/minotaur demonspawn out of your head
>You never asked for this
>You abruptly stand up
"I'm done."
>"Darling?"
"I'm done with this shit. Done with Equestria. Time for me to go. See you again never, Rarity."
>"W-wait, Anonymous, you can't be serious!"
"I'll kill myself if I have to. Fuck this gay Equestria."
>You stomp off towards your home as Rarity keeps yelling your name
>You kick open the door and head into your bedroom, where you whip out your Suitcase of Holding
>You start dumping everything you care about taking with you into it
 
>Meanwhile, a panicked Rarity has told Twilight what happened with you and your threat of suicide
>Twilight writes an urgent letter to Princess Celestia, begging for help, and then rushes off towards your house
>Rarity takes it upon herself to round up the rest of the gang, to see if any of them can help
 
>Back at your house, you're rifling through your pantry for the food you're going to need
>You just got to the canned goods when you hear Twilight shouting your name
>In seconds, she's in your kitchen and begging you to stay and not kill yourself
>You stare blankly at her and wait for her to stop talking
>"Do you know where ponies who kill themselves go to, Anon? TARTARUS! They go to Tartarus! A-and besides, if you leave then that means I've been a bad friend, and I CAN'T be a bad friend, I just CAN'T, it means I did something wrong and I NEED TO FIX IT! WHAT DID I DO WRONG ANON, WHAT DID I DO WRONG? I'LL MAKE YOU STAY, I'LL CAST A SPELL AND THEN YOU WON'T LEAVE!"
>You give her a firm slap on the cheek, not enough to really hurt her, but enough to snap her out of the crazed look she was getting
"Twilight, I made up my mind. I'm leaving, and there's nothing you can do to stop me."
>"But-"
"No. Now if you'll excuse me, I have packing to do."
>You reach for a can of beans and Pinkie Pie pops out of it, making a mess of your shelves
>"Anon! I heard you wanted to leave! Is it true?"
"Yep."
>"Well, why?"
"'Cause I can't deal with it anymore."
>"But what about-"
>You put a finger on her lips, stopping her mid-sentence
>She stares into your eyes, studying you carefully
>Years ago, you and Pinkie had discovered she could tell if someone really meant something, merely by looking into their eyes
>"You... you really, really, mean it... I'm gonna... I'm gonna miss you."
>Pinkie hugs you tightly, and your resolve wavers ever so slightly
"...I'll miss you, too, Pinkie."
 
>You close your suitcase and head outside, Pinkie and Twilight trailing behind you
>You make it all of five steps before a lasso wraps around your torso
>"Hold it right there Sugarcube!"
"Applejack, please."
>Applejack and Rarity were waiting outside, apparently
>"Nuh-uh. Not until you explain why you wanna go!"
>You glance in Rarity's direction, and she shrinks back in place slightly, nervous smile on her face
"You wouldn't understand if I told you, now get out of my way and just respect my wishes."
>You wriggle out of the rope on your own and start walking in the direction of the Ponyville Train Station
>...And are immediately tackled to the ground by a pair of pegasi, your suitcase going flying
>Rainbow Dash is crying openly, Fluttershy is... Fluttershy
>"But, you said, we were gonna go see the wonderbolts this weekend! You can't leave, Anon! You're my bro!"
"I'm sorry, Dash, but-"
>"Anooooooooon, whyyyyyyy? You- you can't- I don't want to- lose my- my b-bro!"
>Dash's sobs are starting to make you crack worse than Pinkie's hug
>You're starting to wonder if you really do want to do this
>"Um, are... are long, painful goodbyes your fetish, Anonymous?"
>And there was the confirmation
"Thank you, Fluttershy."
>"Huh? Did I g-guess it right?"
"No. I was losing sight of why I wanted to leave, but you were right there to remind me. Thank you."
>Her eyes momentarily widen, before what you just said really sinks in
>She stares at the ground in disappointment
>"Oh... you're... welcome..."
 
>You pick your suitcase back up and take off again
>A shrill whistling noise heralds the arrival of Princess Celestia herself, who lands right in front of you
>"Anonymous, please reconsider, I beg you!"
"Not in the mood for this shit, Celestia."
>"But, Anonymous-"
"No."
>"Anonymous, please think of-"
"I said, no."
>"But I need to tell you-"
"NO, GODDAMMIT!"
>Her ears flatten and she lowers her head reflexively
>You sigh
"Sorry for the yelling, but my mind's made up."
>"...Please, just let me tell you, there's something very important you must know before you leave."
"It won't make a difference, but fine."
>"Well, um, it's kind of..."
>She looks kind of nervous, like she's struggling to find the words
>"It's... this is a somewhat private matter, could we... maybe... go somewhere else before I tell you?"
"Fuck that shit. You can tell me right here."
>Celestia rubs the back of her neck with a hoof
>"I, um... I..."
"Right, nice talking to you. I'm going now."
 
>Celestia grabs your hand with her forehooves
>"Please... I'm- I'm pregnant."
>You blink
"Good for you, I guess? How is this supposed to-"
>"...It's yours."
>what
"What"
>"The foal... you're the father."
"That's impossible. We've never-"
>"Do you remember that night from a few weeks ago? There was that party, in Canterlot..."
>You remember that night all too well
"...Yeah, Luna and I ditched that party, she complained it was boring. She came over to my place to... spend the night. But she left before I-"
>"Before you woke up."
>The realization of what happened that night is starting to creep up on you
"You're fucking shitting me. She slapped me when I asked her about it the next night! What the hell is wrong with you? Disguising yourself as your sister?"
>She flinches
>"I-I don't know, I just... I..."
>She rears up on her hind legs, pulls you into her chest, and begins crying into your shoulder
>You reluctantly hold her back
"I guess I... can't let you raise... our kid, alone. As messed up as this shit is."
>She looks into your eyes, and you look into hers
>She slowly goes in for a kiss
>You shrug
"Screw it. Why not?"
>You kiss, and the world stands still
>She slips you a little tongue, and-
>"AND... CUT! That's a wrap!"
>The set bursts into ponies applauding as you and Celestia keep kissing
>She reluctantly breaks the kiss seconds later, giving you a wink
>"Meet me in my dressing room in ten minutes for our date, Anonymous."
>Getting into soaps was the best decision you ever made.